Jan 20 Eve
Its been 9 days since my last msg to Z and nearly one month since he broke off with me.
Just now I had dinner with some new meditators. One of them also start searching when he was down.
Today P did a good job for IK. I was bit slighted that I cannot go into the hall. Later I realised its because I asked to be low profile. So, she is following my wishes. I guess the Outsider Card is raised.
Father, guide me on what is my true calling. I tot just earning 3 days week is my calling and writing is my part time hobby. If my job is my calling, I wouldn't have asked for a 3 days week.
Osho
Just as there is gravitation, there is also levitation. Water uses the principle of grace to lift things up. It never drowns things on its own.
It is not hard to swim; u simply need to have trust in the water. After trashing around with ur hands and feet for about two to three days, u will gain this trust and know that there is no need to be nervous, that the water doesn't drown u. As soon as ur doubt fades, u begin to swim.
Faith comes and u swim.
U acquire both faith and the ability to swim at the same time. Now all u need is a little more acquaintance with water, a little more familiarity.
Soul
I knew when I have faith I can swim.
I need to have Faith in life.
It is not to have Faith card person.
Such irony, only when I broke up with Z back in mid Sept that I took up breast strokes lesson again in November.
And now Z broke off with me in mid December, I managed to unravel the secret of breast strokes in mid January.
Osho
Swimming is not a learning; rather, it is a truth of life. Once u become acquainted with it, u cannot forget it.
Once u have known divine, u can never forget it. Once u have entered meditation, u cannot undo it.
Once u have tasted love, u cannot turn away from it.
Once the ray of prayer descends upon u, u cannot forget it.
The divine is not something u learn; u cannot forget it. It is our intrinsic self-nature.
In swimming, when ur intrinsic nature and the intrinsic nature of the water fall into a harmony, u can just lie there, not moving ur hands and feet, and the water will keep u supported. There is no need to move ur body even a little. A harmony has happened, a perfect tuning has taken place.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
It is not Z's money issue...it is me I need to look at..
Jan 20 Aft
Father, what a mirror! I have always pride myself the better manager of finance. Part of me did look down at him when he was so broke that he has to borrow some money from me.
I guess that was his lowest point and for me, a big fear that my partner can be that low.
I think mainly due to my past childhood memories where there were only 20 dollars left in my dad's biz kitty and I took the money to pay the trishaw uncle. My sis was crying that I was so blur that I didn't knew how seriously dire straits our family were in. And since I took the money, what's left for food tomorrow. That memory haunts me. I swore never be in that state again, hence my money accumulation mode.
When Z was in that state, I tot I saw dad and I was frightened. I know I sounded angry and made Z feels bad. When he broke off with me in mid July, he quoted this incident whereby I made him feel small.
For the first time, I see maybe I could be wrongly asserted my pride in financial management. Maybe I need to see myself instead of judging Z.
While Z may have an issue in keeping money....and I have no issue...BUT I have an issue in creating money whereas Z has no issue...
After 2 years, I finally see my mirror...
I feel bit dejected and humbled...
I wish I can apologise to him but it is too late...he has left us...
Father, what a mirror! I have always pride myself the better manager of finance. Part of me did look down at him when he was so broke that he has to borrow some money from me.
I guess that was his lowest point and for me, a big fear that my partner can be that low.
I think mainly due to my past childhood memories where there were only 20 dollars left in my dad's biz kitty and I took the money to pay the trishaw uncle. My sis was crying that I was so blur that I didn't knew how seriously dire straits our family were in. And since I took the money, what's left for food tomorrow. That memory haunts me. I swore never be in that state again, hence my money accumulation mode.
When Z was in that state, I tot I saw dad and I was frightened. I know I sounded angry and made Z feels bad. When he broke off with me in mid July, he quoted this incident whereby I made him feel small.
For the first time, I see maybe I could be wrongly asserted my pride in financial management. Maybe I need to see myself instead of judging Z.
While Z may have an issue in keeping money....and I have no issue...BUT I have an issue in creating money whereas Z has no issue...
After 2 years, I finally see my mirror...
I feel bit dejected and humbled...
I wish I can apologise to him but it is too late...he has left us...
Finally see I have an issue with my money...is my problem..not Z
Jan 20
Father, woke up just before 7 am. Went for my walk alone as mom is away. The walk was quite peaceful. Had some tots, a mixture of office and Z. He no longer takes my mind. I was about to type he takes my world instead of mind. Guess what's in our mind is our world. No wonder both Sadhguru and Osho said if u changed ur beliefs which is all in ur mind, ur world changes.
There is something that I m procastinating, my third book, which is mainly my learnings with Z. I didn't want to complete it as I didn't want to end Z.
I need also to write the story about Stress, cos life can be effortless, if we trust life. I never tot it would be possible for me to swim like others, but I know now it can happen to me, if I just be calm and let life lead me.
There was a drama show yday about living life with regrets, I have none with Z. I have done all I could. I have gone and stayed with him despite my fear that he will leave me for a child-bearing woman, despite my fear about him giving me financial comforts.
I went into Osho to check my card. I didn't click Rship card as there is no more between Z and I. Just have to slowly but surely remove him. Tears starts to gather on the ending.
I got the Sorrow card.
The pain is not to make u sad, remember. That's where people go on missing. The pain is just to make u alert - because people become alert only when the arrow goes deep into their heart and wound them.
When ur man leaves u, those dark nights, u r alone. U have loved that man so much and u have staked all, and then suddenly one day he is gone. Crying in ur loneliness, there are occasions when, if u use them, u can become aware.
The pain is not to make u miserable, the pain is to make u aware! And when u r aware, misery disappears.
Time of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen, we must go deep, to the roots of our pains, and experience it as it is, without blame or pity.
Soul
Yea, my story on life can be effortless must be written
I m now reading the first draft of my Third book.
I need high savings so that I can have my freedom to choose the type of job I want. Since I can't do biz, being in a job was given, so only way is to reduce spending. And to me, a financial commitment is a restriction as it restrict from leaving a job that I may not want.
Z also needs freedom and so he have his own biz. Since he is freed, he can earn the money he need to buy whatever he enjoys.
And he doesn't see the loan commitment as a restriction against freedom as he is fine with working for himself forever.
Father, I know I m getting nearer to complete my Cosmic lesson. Help me.
My original restriction is having to be in job. I worked to give myself a comfortable life style. But I make sure minimum life style so I need have to work further. So, the real issue is I don't like to work. That's why I always have a dream of 3 days work. But in order to fulfilled this dream, I must reduce my wants.
Instead of reducing my wants, why don't I do something that frees me, that I don't feel restriction. I always reduce my wants because I don't want to pay the price of working.
So, the real price is working, the real restriction is working.
To Z, having his own biz is about creation. He doesn't feel its a price to pay.
By expansion of his biz, he can then increased his wants. I have interpreted it wrongly, due to my own fear.
Father, this is the root and I know I m getting closer. Help me. Please help.
He buys things because he enjoys them. He is not a slave to buying as he can go on no food even. He truly enjoy doing business.
To me, buying things is increasing restriction as I felt my job is restriction. It is not buying things.
Father, why can't I expand? Why can't I do work that is not restricting me?
Father, for the first time I can see I m the one to be pitied on, not Z. It could be me that need to straighten out my life, not him.
Father, tell me how? For the first time since Z broke off with me a month ago, I finally see a glimmer of the results of Cosmic Lesson.
Father, guide me.
I think it is me that need to change my view on creation vs job. Once I perceived price to pay, means it is a restriction to me.
That's why I keep harping on Z to collect money borrowed by his friend. I want Z to pay less price on working. I care about him and don't want him to suffer further as I perceived working is suffering. But I m sure he thinks I am judging him...infact I am caring cos I wouldn't lend the money in the first place, out of fear.
Father, it is me. Finally after 2 years, I m looking at Myself. I have an issue with my work. The issue is not money.
Father, woke up just before 7 am. Went for my walk alone as mom is away. The walk was quite peaceful. Had some tots, a mixture of office and Z. He no longer takes my mind. I was about to type he takes my world instead of mind. Guess what's in our mind is our world. No wonder both Sadhguru and Osho said if u changed ur beliefs which is all in ur mind, ur world changes.
There is something that I m procastinating, my third book, which is mainly my learnings with Z. I didn't want to complete it as I didn't want to end Z.
I need also to write the story about Stress, cos life can be effortless, if we trust life. I never tot it would be possible for me to swim like others, but I know now it can happen to me, if I just be calm and let life lead me.
There was a drama show yday about living life with regrets, I have none with Z. I have done all I could. I have gone and stayed with him despite my fear that he will leave me for a child-bearing woman, despite my fear about him giving me financial comforts.
I went into Osho to check my card. I didn't click Rship card as there is no more between Z and I. Just have to slowly but surely remove him. Tears starts to gather on the ending.
I got the Sorrow card.
The pain is not to make u sad, remember. That's where people go on missing. The pain is just to make u alert - because people become alert only when the arrow goes deep into their heart and wound them.
When ur man leaves u, those dark nights, u r alone. U have loved that man so much and u have staked all, and then suddenly one day he is gone. Crying in ur loneliness, there are occasions when, if u use them, u can become aware.
The pain is not to make u miserable, the pain is to make u aware! And when u r aware, misery disappears.
Time of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen, we must go deep, to the roots of our pains, and experience it as it is, without blame or pity.
Soul
Yea, my story on life can be effortless must be written
I m now reading the first draft of my Third book.
I need high savings so that I can have my freedom to choose the type of job I want. Since I can't do biz, being in a job was given, so only way is to reduce spending. And to me, a financial commitment is a restriction as it restrict from leaving a job that I may not want.
Z also needs freedom and so he have his own biz. Since he is freed, he can earn the money he need to buy whatever he enjoys.
And he doesn't see the loan commitment as a restriction against freedom as he is fine with working for himself forever.
Father, I know I m getting nearer to complete my Cosmic lesson. Help me.
My original restriction is having to be in job. I worked to give myself a comfortable life style. But I make sure minimum life style so I need have to work further. So, the real issue is I don't like to work. That's why I always have a dream of 3 days work. But in order to fulfilled this dream, I must reduce my wants.
Instead of reducing my wants, why don't I do something that frees me, that I don't feel restriction. I always reduce my wants because I don't want to pay the price of working.
So, the real price is working, the real restriction is working.
To Z, having his own biz is about creation. He doesn't feel its a price to pay.
By expansion of his biz, he can then increased his wants. I have interpreted it wrongly, due to my own fear.
Father, this is the root and I know I m getting closer. Help me. Please help.
He buys things because he enjoys them. He is not a slave to buying as he can go on no food even. He truly enjoy doing business.
To me, buying things is increasing restriction as I felt my job is restriction. It is not buying things.
Father, why can't I expand? Why can't I do work that is not restricting me?
Father, for the first time I can see I m the one to be pitied on, not Z. It could be me that need to straighten out my life, not him.
Father, tell me how? For the first time since Z broke off with me a month ago, I finally see a glimmer of the results of Cosmic Lesson.
Father, guide me.
I think it is me that need to change my view on creation vs job. Once I perceived price to pay, means it is a restriction to me.
That's why I keep harping on Z to collect money borrowed by his friend. I want Z to pay less price on working. I care about him and don't want him to suffer further as I perceived working is suffering. But I m sure he thinks I am judging him...infact I am caring cos I wouldn't lend the money in the first place, out of fear.
Father, it is me. Finally after 2 years, I m looking at Myself. I have an issue with my work. The issue is not money.
7thunders - 2
Jan 19 Eve
7thunders
Jacks, Kings and Queen doesn't bow down to people.
Soul
Z is a Ruling Jack of Diamonds. Me, a Ruling Ace of diamonds and Destiny Queen of Diamonds. We both don't bow to people.
7thunders
Ace of Diamonds are uncomfortable to be Moon to people.
Soul
True. I normally don't like to be in supporting role.
7thunders
Venus
Three of Club - The Writer Card
They are such to have some emotional losses which are destined and karmic in nature.
They may repeatedly attract those uncertain about making commitment one way or the other.
If they see the emotional losses as 'completions' and graduations to a higher level, they can avoid disappointment.
They can have love whenever they make a firm decision and refuse to accept less than what they truly want.
Their love has the potential to be realised on a more universal level.
If they utilise their inheritance of spiritual knowledge, much success can be realised. They are here to be transformers of energy - worry into creativity and fear into faith.
Soul
Yea, Z is gone. Just a dream.
Let me use my worry about sadness over Z into my writing.
Let me turn my fear into faith.
Today I met an attractive guy aged 48 and yet can pass of for mid thirties, same as me. There is hope for me. I guess part of me is hammering myself, wish I met Z when I was in thirties. But I truly like myself and doesn't want to go back in time. I m a lovely, courageous and joyful person.
7thunders
Jacks, Kings and Queen doesn't bow down to people.
Soul
Z is a Ruling Jack of Diamonds. Me, a Ruling Ace of diamonds and Destiny Queen of Diamonds. We both don't bow to people.
7thunders
Ace of Diamonds are uncomfortable to be Moon to people.
Soul
True. I normally don't like to be in supporting role.
7thunders
Venus
Three of Club - The Writer Card
They are such to have some emotional losses which are destined and karmic in nature.
They may repeatedly attract those uncertain about making commitment one way or the other.
If they see the emotional losses as 'completions' and graduations to a higher level, they can avoid disappointment.
They can have love whenever they make a firm decision and refuse to accept less than what they truly want.
Their love has the potential to be realised on a more universal level.
If they utilise their inheritance of spiritual knowledge, much success can be realised. They are here to be transformers of energy - worry into creativity and fear into faith.
Soul
Yea, Z is gone. Just a dream.
Let me use my worry about sadness over Z into my writing.
Let me turn my fear into faith.
Today I met an attractive guy aged 48 and yet can pass of for mid thirties, same as me. There is hope for me. I guess part of me is hammering myself, wish I met Z when I was in thirties. But I truly like myself and doesn't want to go back in time. I m a lovely, courageous and joyful person.
7thunders
Jan 19
7thunders
Five of Diamond Cosmic Lesson.
The act we must emulate this year. U need to be a Salesman.
Soul
Seven of Spades is my Cosmic lesson, the Faith card
Yea,despite all his failures in rships and also his financial commitment, he has faith he will be good.
Me, got lots of good things going on for me and yet don't have faith. Need to overcome my Saturn's Seven of Clubs, negative mind in order to have faith.
7thunders
As u learn to love urself better, u find urself attracting partner that is more compatible with u. The rship reflects more of what u are at.
Ace of Diamonds female married to King of Clubs male is most suitable. Aries King of Clubs.
Relationship is a tool for us to be more conscious.
Usually the neglected child would come up whenever u feel not loved.
Soul
Yes, my Outsider card comes out whenever I felt excluded.
When I broke off with Z back in mid Sept, it was because I was experiencing my Outsider card.
7thunders
Queen of Diamond
Three of Clubs in Venus have dialog in their mind about their rship.
Creativity - need to be channeled elsewhere.
Ace of Diamond - u probably need a man that is moon to u.
Soul
True, rship with Z was in my mind. Now just need to unravel.
Z was my moon, but he wants to leads, so we go nowhere.
7thunders
Five of Diamond Cosmic Lesson.
The act we must emulate this year. U need to be a Salesman.
Soul
Seven of Spades is my Cosmic lesson, the Faith card
Yea,despite all his failures in rships and also his financial commitment, he has faith he will be good.
Me, got lots of good things going on for me and yet don't have faith. Need to overcome my Saturn's Seven of Clubs, negative mind in order to have faith.
7thunders
As u learn to love urself better, u find urself attracting partner that is more compatible with u. The rship reflects more of what u are at.
Ace of Diamonds female married to King of Clubs male is most suitable. Aries King of Clubs.
Relationship is a tool for us to be more conscious.
Usually the neglected child would come up whenever u feel not loved.
Soul
Yes, my Outsider card comes out whenever I felt excluded.
When I broke off with Z back in mid Sept, it was because I was experiencing my Outsider card.
7thunders
Queen of Diamond
Three of Clubs in Venus have dialog in their mind about their rship.
Creativity - need to be channeled elsewhere.
Ace of Diamond - u probably need a man that is moon to u.
Soul
True, rship with Z was in my mind. Now just need to unravel.
Z was my moon, but he wants to leads, so we go nowhere.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Seeking valuation in work, now that I lost Z
Jan 18 Eve
Finally, back home after 4 days biz trip.
Body is feeling feverish, took an aspirin. Suddenly tot of Z who seldom take pills and prefer to let his own body does its natural defend. In my case, my Rheumatoid pills suppressed the immune system and so there is a tendency for me to fall sick when I take a flight.
Just now I had some negative tot on the ex company. I was chasing for money owes to us, after 3 weeks of silence and here they insinuated that I m impatient and not nice for pressuring S. Also I knew they other countries too. I began to have my negative tots about them.
This time I knew it was because of The Outsider card. I also knew that since I lost Z's approval, I lost my valuation and automatically fall back to work. I won't be hasty. I will investigate first.
M definitely having a fever, I can see a double eye lid. Perhaps I could have caught a cold in the pool yday as it was very chilly. I just took a quick shower. The aspirin will help and a good night sleep. I m best a home, a true crab.
Today received an preposterous reply from the website company. They claimed that my website contravene their religious belief and hence they cannot. My tot is they don't want to do but they don't how to say no. So, I just replied noted. But I did forward the email to the introducer.
A tot came, perhaps this is just like Z. Don't know how to say no, best to cook up a marriage date, such a coward.
As I was reading 7thunders notes, I saw Uranus - unexpected event. A good period of letting go for Sevens and Nines.
My first tot was good for Z to let go of me...but then tot perhaps he was supposed to let go of his old plan..but he couldn't hence his Pluto challenge of Five of Clubs.
Then Queen of Heart in Neptune means dreaming or looking for a good rship. Now I know why the cards said be wary as the partner may not be what u think it is. It is a dream. That will be Z card from mid Feb onward. He is looking for a good rship...but since it is Neptune..a dream
Just like I dream of Z and it is not real. The sadness is lesser but I m feeling bit edgy, not my normal cheerful self. I guess this 4 days of hiding my sadness has taken its toll on me.
According to Louise Hays, fever is anger building up. I was angry with ex company. Or maybe deep down m angry at Z for being such a coward. Yea, courageous in carrying out plan but can't handle emotional confrontation.
Mmm, leave it. Take day by day.
At least I now know when the chattering in my mind become too noisy and I can opt to focus on my breath to reduce the noises.
Osho
All religions tell u to enjoy aloneness - because how can u go into urself until u enjoy aloneness?
U must go there alone. That is why all religions tell you to light the lamp of meditation. Only the lamp of meditation can accompany you. Then u can descend into the deepest well. The journey is long. The journey into oneself is the longest journey.
Just by closing ur eyes, don't really mean your eyes are closed. U close ur eyes, but ur dreams of the outside world continue, the images of others continue to arise, - friends, ur loved ones, ur colleagues, etc. U close ur eyes but u r never alone. If u could be alone, u could go into urself even with ur eyes open.
The question is of removing the crowd. U will have to put aside all ur scriptures, all ur doctrines - because u will never able to go inside urself with such burden. This journey is possible only if u r weightless.
Finally, back home after 4 days biz trip.
Body is feeling feverish, took an aspirin. Suddenly tot of Z who seldom take pills and prefer to let his own body does its natural defend. In my case, my Rheumatoid pills suppressed the immune system and so there is a tendency for me to fall sick when I take a flight.
Just now I had some negative tot on the ex company. I was chasing for money owes to us, after 3 weeks of silence and here they insinuated that I m impatient and not nice for pressuring S. Also I knew they other countries too. I began to have my negative tots about them.
This time I knew it was because of The Outsider card. I also knew that since I lost Z's approval, I lost my valuation and automatically fall back to work. I won't be hasty. I will investigate first.
M definitely having a fever, I can see a double eye lid. Perhaps I could have caught a cold in the pool yday as it was very chilly. I just took a quick shower. The aspirin will help and a good night sleep. I m best a home, a true crab.
Today received an preposterous reply from the website company. They claimed that my website contravene their religious belief and hence they cannot. My tot is they don't want to do but they don't how to say no. So, I just replied noted. But I did forward the email to the introducer.
A tot came, perhaps this is just like Z. Don't know how to say no, best to cook up a marriage date, such a coward.
As I was reading 7thunders notes, I saw Uranus - unexpected event. A good period of letting go for Sevens and Nines.
My first tot was good for Z to let go of me...but then tot perhaps he was supposed to let go of his old plan..but he couldn't hence his Pluto challenge of Five of Clubs.
Then Queen of Heart in Neptune means dreaming or looking for a good rship. Now I know why the cards said be wary as the partner may not be what u think it is. It is a dream. That will be Z card from mid Feb onward. He is looking for a good rship...but since it is Neptune..a dream
Just like I dream of Z and it is not real. The sadness is lesser but I m feeling bit edgy, not my normal cheerful self. I guess this 4 days of hiding my sadness has taken its toll on me.
According to Louise Hays, fever is anger building up. I was angry with ex company. Or maybe deep down m angry at Z for being such a coward. Yea, courageous in carrying out plan but can't handle emotional confrontation.
Mmm, leave it. Take day by day.
At least I now know when the chattering in my mind become too noisy and I can opt to focus on my breath to reduce the noises.
Osho
All religions tell u to enjoy aloneness - because how can u go into urself until u enjoy aloneness?
U must go there alone. That is why all religions tell you to light the lamp of meditation. Only the lamp of meditation can accompany you. Then u can descend into the deepest well. The journey is long. The journey into oneself is the longest journey.
Just by closing ur eyes, don't really mean your eyes are closed. U close ur eyes, but ur dreams of the outside world continue, the images of others continue to arise, - friends, ur loved ones, ur colleagues, etc. U close ur eyes but u r never alone. If u could be alone, u could go into urself even with ur eyes open.
The question is of removing the crowd. U will have to put aside all ur scriptures, all ur doctrines - because u will never able to go inside urself with such burden. This journey is possible only if u r weightless.
Meeting my karma cards
Jan 18
Father, I had a good night sleep. Woke up at 5.30 am with alarm. Asanas were not great. Shakti and Shambavi were fine. These days I love most Suka Kriya. So peaceful.
7thunders
The first karma card that sits in the same position in Spiritual Spread as per ur Life Spread (past life) is ur first karma card.
When u meet someone of ur karma card, if u like them, u r freed. If u don't like them, u got more to work on.
The second karma card, see ur Spiritual spread, and the same position in Life Spread
U meet the person that is ur best side.
If u r with a karma card, u require lots of consciousness.
Soul
My first karma cards are three of diamonds and two of diamonds. At first, there were bit of challenges but I have accepted them, albeit at times exasperated with them.
My second karma card is Nine of Diamond and...
Finally now meeting them. my staff and a new peer. I do like them at first, but now find them also challenging as they are quite stubborn...
Father, I had a good night sleep. Woke up at 5.30 am with alarm. Asanas were not great. Shakti and Shambavi were fine. These days I love most Suka Kriya. So peaceful.
7thunders
The first karma card that sits in the same position in Spiritual Spread as per ur Life Spread (past life) is ur first karma card.
When u meet someone of ur karma card, if u like them, u r freed. If u don't like them, u got more to work on.
The second karma card, see ur Spiritual spread, and the same position in Life Spread
U meet the person that is ur best side.
If u r with a karma card, u require lots of consciousness.
Soul
My first karma cards are three of diamonds and two of diamonds. At first, there were bit of challenges but I have accepted them, albeit at times exasperated with them.
My second karma card is Nine of Diamond and...
Finally now meeting them. my staff and a new peer. I do like them at first, but now find them also challenging as they are quite stubborn...
Unnecessarily rowing...
Jan 17 Eve
Father, just now try to swim breast stroke. But I couldn't, my body panic whenever I m supposed to be still and let the water takes me. I tried a few times but to no avail. I can feel the fear in my heart. I m still afraid to let the moment be, still stressing myself.
I wanted to cry but there are people in the pool so I cannot.
In the end, I just let my body choose and it chooses free style.
Went back to hotel room, shower and did my practices. Shoonya and Samyama was so peaceful. Thanks for the tools.
Its been a week since my last msg to Z whereby I open my blog. There is no response from him. A Tot came, just let it flow away, like a dream.
7thunders.
Cosmic Lesson card is someone who is setting an example that u would benefit by following them. Like Saturn but he won't be criticising. They are more inspirational.
Soul
Z is a determined person focused on achieving his goals irrespective of personal price. He taught me money is for spending.
I m determined to have a life that allows me to focus on my spiritual path. I drop career and money for a 3 days work.
7thunders
In the deck of cards, we tend to look at the deck in front of us, to the right and above. So, we tend to attract to those we can see.
Soul
I m Queen of diamonds and I attract Jack of Diamonds (Z) and king of Diamonds (J). My Ruling is Ace of Diamonds and I attract Two of Diamonds (S).
Just had dinner with M, another Seven of Spades like Z, he too had two sons like Z. He too is busy earning money for his family. His family not with him. He always on the road. He exercise to release his energy. He has changed, bit like given up. I wonder whether Z be like that when he is 48.
Mmm, keep on receiving emails. Feeling bit harassed as if I have to be accountable. Anyway, today my fear is on high mode. So, stay low.
Osho
The divine cannot be outside you. The divine is as much hidden with the seeker as in outer where he is seeking. Nothing will be gained by going Kailash or Kaaba, Girnar or to Jerusalem, because the one u r searching for, that ray of consciousness, resides within u. Find it there.
The only thing that stops you from moving towards devotion is the fear that u will lose control and no longer remain ur own master. If u want the divine to be ur master, u cannot remain the master urself. U must get off the throne. Get down and bow in front of the throne and u will find that his boundless radiance, his infinite light, his grace has filled you from all sides.
Ramakrishna used to say, "you are unnecessarily rowing. Unfurl ur sails, put down your oars. His winds are blowing. He will take ur boat to the other shore.
Stop relying on urself. Walk with his feet, see with his eyes, live according to him. Let ur heart beat with his heart
Soul
This is exactly the same msg I received two days ago in the swimming pool.
Father, just now try to swim breast stroke. But I couldn't, my body panic whenever I m supposed to be still and let the water takes me. I tried a few times but to no avail. I can feel the fear in my heart. I m still afraid to let the moment be, still stressing myself.
I wanted to cry but there are people in the pool so I cannot.
In the end, I just let my body choose and it chooses free style.
Went back to hotel room, shower and did my practices. Shoonya and Samyama was so peaceful. Thanks for the tools.
Its been a week since my last msg to Z whereby I open my blog. There is no response from him. A Tot came, just let it flow away, like a dream.
7thunders.
Cosmic Lesson card is someone who is setting an example that u would benefit by following them. Like Saturn but he won't be criticising. They are more inspirational.
Soul
Z is a determined person focused on achieving his goals irrespective of personal price. He taught me money is for spending.
I m determined to have a life that allows me to focus on my spiritual path. I drop career and money for a 3 days work.
7thunders
In the deck of cards, we tend to look at the deck in front of us, to the right and above. So, we tend to attract to those we can see.
Soul
I m Queen of diamonds and I attract Jack of Diamonds (Z) and king of Diamonds (J). My Ruling is Ace of Diamonds and I attract Two of Diamonds (S).
Just had dinner with M, another Seven of Spades like Z, he too had two sons like Z. He too is busy earning money for his family. His family not with him. He always on the road. He exercise to release his energy. He has changed, bit like given up. I wonder whether Z be like that when he is 48.
Mmm, keep on receiving emails. Feeling bit harassed as if I have to be accountable. Anyway, today my fear is on high mode. So, stay low.
Osho
The divine cannot be outside you. The divine is as much hidden with the seeker as in outer where he is seeking. Nothing will be gained by going Kailash or Kaaba, Girnar or to Jerusalem, because the one u r searching for, that ray of consciousness, resides within u. Find it there.
The only thing that stops you from moving towards devotion is the fear that u will lose control and no longer remain ur own master. If u want the divine to be ur master, u cannot remain the master urself. U must get off the throne. Get down and bow in front of the throne and u will find that his boundless radiance, his infinite light, his grace has filled you from all sides.
Ramakrishna used to say, "you are unnecessarily rowing. Unfurl ur sails, put down your oars. His winds are blowing. He will take ur boat to the other shore.
Stop relying on urself. Walk with his feet, see with his eyes, live according to him. Let ur heart beat with his heart
Soul
This is exactly the same msg I received two days ago in the swimming pool.
Search for Self Mastery...is search for Divinity
Jan 16 Eve
Father, thank U for the tools. Today I received an urgent email on client negotiation. I can feel my fear coming up. Then I said, don't have to be stressed. Let life takes me.
Just now doing on What's app. Then scroll down to Z, saw my msg to him since last Friday. Didn't open him cos it is over. Today, little tots of him. He already taken me out of his life, so need not look back.
I checked my stats for my blog and noted many times page view for the journal on Pe's feedback on Z. I tot it is probably Z checking out if I told any mutual friends about us. Bit sad that its his major concern.
Osho
The search for divinity means only this: I want something so I no longer need to search for happiness outside of myself, so that I find my happiness within myself, so that the fountainhead of my happiness can burst forth within me.
Soul
I started my journey because I don't want to be sad because of someone or something. I don't want my well being to be affected by others.
Didn't realised it was a path of divinity.
Osho
Everything in the world is just ur belief. Ur wife is a belief, ur husband is a belief, the rship of brother and sister is a belief.
If u believed in it, it is okay but there is nothing more than that.
The shops, the bazaar, fame, position and prestige - all are ur beliefs. They are all a dream. The world is a dream that u dream with ur eyes open.
Don't place any value on it. Don't think of it as real. It is neither worth grasping nor worth renouncing. As it doesn't exist,.what can u grasp, what can u renounce ? The world is only worth waking up from.
Soul
When I read this, I tot my rship with Z is my belief. Because I believed we had a rship, that's why I feel sad when he broke it off. I felt its loss.
So, why don't I remove my belief that we had one, then no loss. I believed we had, whereas he doesn't believe so.
That's why he can switched me off from him. He doesn't feel any pain cos he doesn't believed I belong to him, what's there to lose.
So, need to do the same.
Father, thank U for the tools. Today I received an urgent email on client negotiation. I can feel my fear coming up. Then I said, don't have to be stressed. Let life takes me.
Just now doing on What's app. Then scroll down to Z, saw my msg to him since last Friday. Didn't open him cos it is over. Today, little tots of him. He already taken me out of his life, so need not look back.
I checked my stats for my blog and noted many times page view for the journal on Pe's feedback on Z. I tot it is probably Z checking out if I told any mutual friends about us. Bit sad that its his major concern.
Osho
The search for divinity means only this: I want something so I no longer need to search for happiness outside of myself, so that I find my happiness within myself, so that the fountainhead of my happiness can burst forth within me.
Soul
I started my journey because I don't want to be sad because of someone or something. I don't want my well being to be affected by others.
Didn't realised it was a path of divinity.
Osho
Everything in the world is just ur belief. Ur wife is a belief, ur husband is a belief, the rship of brother and sister is a belief.
If u believed in it, it is okay but there is nothing more than that.
The shops, the bazaar, fame, position and prestige - all are ur beliefs. They are all a dream. The world is a dream that u dream with ur eyes open.
Don't place any value on it. Don't think of it as real. It is neither worth grasping nor worth renouncing. As it doesn't exist,.what can u grasp, what can u renounce ? The world is only worth waking up from.
Soul
When I read this, I tot my rship with Z is my belief. Because I believed we had a rship, that's why I feel sad when he broke it off. I felt its loss.
So, why don't I remove my belief that we had one, then no loss. I believed we had, whereas he doesn't believe so.
That's why he can switched me off from him. He doesn't feel any pain cos he doesn't believed I belong to him, what's there to lose.
So, need to do the same.
7thunder - power cards
Jan 15 Eve 1
7thunders
Are they materialistic/mundane or spiritually orientated. Spirituality means the willingness and the capacity to seek within for answers, ie changing themselves and not changing the world. They surrender to the Universe.
The Power cards rarely look at themselves, they use their power to change outside world. A Seven or Nine is bad to a person who is attached, a person who is always changing the world around them.
Soul
I m a power card of Queen. I have met Seven of Spades. Firstly at work, MF and secondly in rship, Z.
And now I met Nine. Ja, P and this year meeting Nine of Diamonds, both my staff and peer.
7thunders
Are they materialistic/mundane or spiritually orientated. Spirituality means the willingness and the capacity to seek within for answers, ie changing themselves and not changing the world. They surrender to the Universe.
The Power cards rarely look at themselves, they use their power to change outside world. A Seven or Nine is bad to a person who is attached, a person who is always changing the world around them.
Soul
I m a power card of Queen. I have met Seven of Spades. Firstly at work, MF and secondly in rship, Z.
And now I met Nine. Ja, P and this year meeting Nine of Diamonds, both my staff and peer.
Life can be effortless..if we let life takes us
Jan 15 Eve
Now in overseas for business. Did a good day work and went back to hotel for a swim.
I did my breast stroke but I seems to stop half way. Then I start to cry uncontrollably. I asked Father, why can't I swim far, why I am still afraid. How long will the fear lasts? An answer came, its ok. U r afraid now. Just accept u r afraid, its ok.
With that, I seem to calm down and swim at a more leisurely pace.
I swam second laps towards the end of the pool, where there is a downpours of water. The man made water fall in the pool is loud and I can cry my heart out. I now welcome tears as I knew it is a good release and it healed me.
Last Saturday, I couldn't cry long as there were many people. Today was just me alone. So, I continued to unabashedly. Firstly no one and secondly the pouring water covers my cries.
When I was crying, I asked how long the sadness will be? How to go on living with such sadness?
After all the loud cries, I felt much better and started to swim.
As I was swimming alternate free style and breast strokes, this on coming lap was supposed to be free style and I plan to do free style. But somehow I start to do breast strokes. When I was swimming leisurely, I didn't immediately reach out my hands to swim, instead I let the flow of water takes me when I have both my feet and palms closed, making an arrow shape allowing the flow of water to take me further before I used my hands strokes to swim further. I just let the water take me and then my hands automatically shift towards the surface of water, then I do my hand strokes. It was effortless.
For the first time in my life, I can swim breast strokes effortlessly. There is hope for me
Then a tot occurred to me, that's my answer, let life takes me, I need not paddle continuously. Once I kick out my legs (do my action). I should stop and let life do my action work with life and let life response to do its part. I need not continue my hand strokes (second action) immediately.
I have plead with Z for a chat which he refused. I have open my blog to him and shared my soul, but he didn't response. I have cried my heart out, crying every day for the past 2 weeks. I have finally wrote him 'obituary of thankfulness' for my growth with him. I have allowed my tears to flow whenever it wants to. I have totally open up my soul, being vulnerable to Z and life.
So, now I need to rest. I m actually exhausted from doing all I can to release my sadness n let go of Z from my heart.
Alas understands why I got Osho Exhaustion card this week.
Amen. The tears helped me, hence again my Ice-Olation card under Issue this week.
I then say a prayer of thanks to Father and Sadhguru. I laugh loads. I tot I lost my energy connection to water cos for the past one month, I only laugh little in the pool. My receptivity is back, my joy is back. Amen.
Today card
Jack of Spades
It represent an initiation into a higher life style, thus would be considered to be a spiritual initiation.
Soul
True. Really moment to moment.
Today I mistakenly locked my luggage bag. I was surprised that I was quite calm about it.
I even tot to ask my ex boss personal secretary as they normally handled emergency. So R helped me to unlock within 3 minutes. Hurray.
Just now was on correspondence with teacher. Had to tell her problem faced. I knew she will react. But I don't like C's reply that seems to insinuate that I m not acting like a team player, me the whistle blower.
Aiyah, maybe her intention was to make sure V won't feel bad and that we are here as a team. This could be my envious, being Outsider comes in. Just let her be and I be myself.
Suddenly a tot came, C seems very good in getting sympathy. Whereas I have difficulty in getting cos I think I don't need it. Instead of judging her, learn from her. Mmm, a transforming idea. Hurray!
Now in overseas for business. Did a good day work and went back to hotel for a swim.
I did my breast stroke but I seems to stop half way. Then I start to cry uncontrollably. I asked Father, why can't I swim far, why I am still afraid. How long will the fear lasts? An answer came, its ok. U r afraid now. Just accept u r afraid, its ok.
With that, I seem to calm down and swim at a more leisurely pace.
I swam second laps towards the end of the pool, where there is a downpours of water. The man made water fall in the pool is loud and I can cry my heart out. I now welcome tears as I knew it is a good release and it healed me.
Last Saturday, I couldn't cry long as there were many people. Today was just me alone. So, I continued to unabashedly. Firstly no one and secondly the pouring water covers my cries.
When I was crying, I asked how long the sadness will be? How to go on living with such sadness?
After all the loud cries, I felt much better and started to swim.
As I was swimming alternate free style and breast strokes, this on coming lap was supposed to be free style and I plan to do free style. But somehow I start to do breast strokes. When I was swimming leisurely, I didn't immediately reach out my hands to swim, instead I let the flow of water takes me when I have both my feet and palms closed, making an arrow shape allowing the flow of water to take me further before I used my hands strokes to swim further. I just let the water take me and then my hands automatically shift towards the surface of water, then I do my hand strokes. It was effortless.
For the first time in my life, I can swim breast strokes effortlessly. There is hope for me
Then a tot occurred to me, that's my answer, let life takes me, I need not paddle continuously. Once I kick out my legs (do my action). I should stop and let life do my action work with life and let life response to do its part. I need not continue my hand strokes (second action) immediately.
I have plead with Z for a chat which he refused. I have open my blog to him and shared my soul, but he didn't response. I have cried my heart out, crying every day for the past 2 weeks. I have finally wrote him 'obituary of thankfulness' for my growth with him. I have allowed my tears to flow whenever it wants to. I have totally open up my soul, being vulnerable to Z and life.
So, now I need to rest. I m actually exhausted from doing all I can to release my sadness n let go of Z from my heart.
Alas understands why I got Osho Exhaustion card this week.
Amen. The tears helped me, hence again my Ice-Olation card under Issue this week.
I then say a prayer of thanks to Father and Sadhguru. I laugh loads. I tot I lost my energy connection to water cos for the past one month, I only laugh little in the pool. My receptivity is back, my joy is back. Amen.
Today card
Jack of Spades
It represent an initiation into a higher life style, thus would be considered to be a spiritual initiation.
Soul
True. Really moment to moment.
Today I mistakenly locked my luggage bag. I was surprised that I was quite calm about it.
I even tot to ask my ex boss personal secretary as they normally handled emergency. So R helped me to unlock within 3 minutes. Hurray.
Just now was on correspondence with teacher. Had to tell her problem faced. I knew she will react. But I don't like C's reply that seems to insinuate that I m not acting like a team player, me the whistle blower.
Aiyah, maybe her intention was to make sure V won't feel bad and that we are here as a team. This could be my envious, being Outsider comes in. Just let her be and I be myself.
Suddenly a tot came, C seems very good in getting sympathy. Whereas I have difficulty in getting cos I think I don't need it. Instead of judging her, learn from her. Mmm, a transforming idea. Hurray!
Letting go of Z...little by little
Jan 15
Woke up and first tot was Z is no longer with me. Then a tot came, he was never with u. U can't lose what u don't have.
Took a long shower and did my practices. At first wanted to skip breathing meditation, but somehow, just went into it. So nice.
Shakti and Shambavi were good. Surprisingly there were little yoga of Z. Maybe the orbituary message helps.
I am not writing the open letter to Z. He has passed away from my life. I have expressed my prayer of thanks. Don't need to write a future that is never to be. Just live in the moment. He is no longer with me. Live day by day.
Woke up and first tot was Z is no longer with me. Then a tot came, he was never with u. U can't lose what u don't have.
Took a long shower and did my practices. At first wanted to skip breathing meditation, but somehow, just went into it. So nice.
Shakti and Shambavi were good. Surprisingly there were little yoga of Z. Maybe the orbituary message helps.
I am not writing the open letter to Z. He has passed away from my life. I have expressed my prayer of thanks. Don't need to write a future that is never to be. Just live in the moment. He is no longer with me. Live day by day.
Our partner, our mirror
Jan 14 Eve
7thunders.com
Mirror
Look at everyone's partner as a reflection of themselves
Just ignore what they tell u about their life and look at how they feel and think about their partner. Bingo! You have an exact description of how they feel about themselves and how they see themselves.
Example
If u hear someone says, "My partner is just so afraid all the time. I can't stand putting up with his (or her) fear all day long"
Then you know that this person is very fearful themselves and that they don't like being reminded of this by their partner. This same person may appear to be fearless and very capable. They may tell u that they are thinking of leaving a rship becos they feel that their partner is not on the same level.
But in truth this person is very afraid and chose someone to reflect this to them to see if they could learn to love this part of themselves.
If they leave this rship, they will attract another person jus like that one.
Golden rule
We will attract the same person that reflects how compatible we are with ourselves.
Our rship are indeed a reflection of how we are inside and how we feel about ourselves
The very minute we begin to love ourselves more, we attract a more loving partner.
Soul
I used to think Z is so courageous to continuously pursued rships and marriage, despite such major failure in his rships.
I always tot I m such a fearful person, I don't have major failure and yet I m fearful. He is truly courageous. He really have faith that he will succeed. Hence he is Seven of Spades card.
This two weeks I suddenly see myself as a courageous woman. I continued to go back to Z despite facing so many rounds of non committal answer. I can't say I have faith, I was guided along by my intuitive Osho cards, my perseverance to learn my Cosmic lesson and my love for him. I just knew I wanted him so I overturned all my fears. I am truly courageous.
7thunders.com
Mirror
Look at everyone's partner as a reflection of themselves
Just ignore what they tell u about their life and look at how they feel and think about their partner. Bingo! You have an exact description of how they feel about themselves and how they see themselves.
Example
If u hear someone says, "My partner is just so afraid all the time. I can't stand putting up with his (or her) fear all day long"
Then you know that this person is very fearful themselves and that they don't like being reminded of this by their partner. This same person may appear to be fearless and very capable. They may tell u that they are thinking of leaving a rship becos they feel that their partner is not on the same level.
But in truth this person is very afraid and chose someone to reflect this to them to see if they could learn to love this part of themselves.
If they leave this rship, they will attract another person jus like that one.
Golden rule
We will attract the same person that reflects how compatible we are with ourselves.
Our rship are indeed a reflection of how we are inside and how we feel about ourselves
The very minute we begin to love ourselves more, we attract a more loving partner.
Soul
I used to think Z is so courageous to continuously pursued rships and marriage, despite such major failure in his rships.
I always tot I m such a fearful person, I don't have major failure and yet I m fearful. He is truly courageous. He really have faith that he will succeed. Hence he is Seven of Spades card.
This two weeks I suddenly see myself as a courageous woman. I continued to go back to Z despite facing so many rounds of non committal answer. I can't say I have faith, I was guided along by my intuitive Osho cards, my perseverance to learn my Cosmic lesson and my love for him. I just knew I wanted him so I overturned all my fears. I am truly courageous.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Z in my daily prayer of thanks
Jan 14
Father, woke up with Z in my mind. I miss us and tot of our good times, that will never be repeated. Wish we could be like the other couple whose goal is on spiritual path. But that is not to be.
I have to go on my own.
Sadhguru said if u r conversant in the physical, the physical will yield to you. If u r conversant in the other dimension, divinity bows to u.
Z and I are opposite. Z's forte is in physical and mine is in other Dimension. I admitted it won't be easy but that's the attraction. We bring a balance to each other, we complement each other.
I m not afraid of differences cos I always form team with opposites. Everyone complement each other and we become a better team.
When Z and I started, I was inexperienced and he patiently and gently helped me to open up sexually. He was patient and never rush me, always considerate. With him, from a frightened virgin, I become someone who can enjoy sex with him. There are still many things I want to try and experience with him. Alas, no more.
I used to be very tight with money as it is my security. I needed money to feel secure so I don't spend unnecessary except for food. I also avoid capital commitment and infact was loan free when I met Z. Whereas Z has many loans obligation. So, he looks 'good' but owes bank and me looks average but quite loaded with savings and Z had none.
When I saw how unconcerned he is with money, I was scared shit. I cannot be with a man that is financially insecure.
But he taught me that without commitment there is no growth.
And slowly I let go of my need for accumulating money. I renovated my room and bathroom. With my inherent good taste, it was not cheap. Infact others wonder why I spend so much. Its been nearly one year after renovation and I enjoy my room. I had wished for him to see my room and sleep with me but it never happen.
I used to buy only only used cars, but I learned from Z that money is meant to be enjoyed.
I also tot I could never drive big car but Z encourages me. So, I finally bought a big expensive car. It was bit of challenge for me to park the car, but alas I m now comfortable, thanks to the back camera.
So he has helped me to be more conversant of the physical.
Lastly I used to take any "rejection" such as unanswered, unreturned phone calls personally. I would have have all sort of negative drama in my mind. Z had given me so many such situations as he wills that he cannot and should not call me so that he won't develop any feelings for me.
I learned to ignore his 'rejection' and continues to love him. My osho Outsider card was heavily activated with Z but now I can see it as it is.
That's why Z is in my daily prayer of thanks, even to this day. Despite his cruel rejection of me, and my sadness, I never fail to thank him daily for being him. Amen.
Suddenly realised that I m writing an obituary to Z as he had passed away from my life.
A tot came, still one thing to do, my open letter to Z. I wanted him to know my vision of our relationship, if we had continued to be together.
Today card is Z
Seven of Spades
This card challenge u to rise to higher levels of thinking, speaking and acting in areas that u r likely to be holding some negative patterns that need to be changed.
If u r willing to take responsibility for ur condition and practice positivity in spite of circumstances, u can realise the powerful spiritual potential of this card and attain new heights. In its highest form, this is the card of Faith.
Soul
Exactly. Same card of Trust like a fool in osho.
I m lovely, joyful and courageous. I have love Z despite no hope of a committed rship.
Whatever I learned with Z will be with me.
Father, woke up with Z in my mind. I miss us and tot of our good times, that will never be repeated. Wish we could be like the other couple whose goal is on spiritual path. But that is not to be.
I have to go on my own.
Sadhguru said if u r conversant in the physical, the physical will yield to you. If u r conversant in the other dimension, divinity bows to u.
Z and I are opposite. Z's forte is in physical and mine is in other Dimension. I admitted it won't be easy but that's the attraction. We bring a balance to each other, we complement each other.
I m not afraid of differences cos I always form team with opposites. Everyone complement each other and we become a better team.
When Z and I started, I was inexperienced and he patiently and gently helped me to open up sexually. He was patient and never rush me, always considerate. With him, from a frightened virgin, I become someone who can enjoy sex with him. There are still many things I want to try and experience with him. Alas, no more.
I used to be very tight with money as it is my security. I needed money to feel secure so I don't spend unnecessary except for food. I also avoid capital commitment and infact was loan free when I met Z. Whereas Z has many loans obligation. So, he looks 'good' but owes bank and me looks average but quite loaded with savings and Z had none.
When I saw how unconcerned he is with money, I was scared shit. I cannot be with a man that is financially insecure.
But he taught me that without commitment there is no growth.
And slowly I let go of my need for accumulating money. I renovated my room and bathroom. With my inherent good taste, it was not cheap. Infact others wonder why I spend so much. Its been nearly one year after renovation and I enjoy my room. I had wished for him to see my room and sleep with me but it never happen.
I used to buy only only used cars, but I learned from Z that money is meant to be enjoyed.
I also tot I could never drive big car but Z encourages me. So, I finally bought a big expensive car. It was bit of challenge for me to park the car, but alas I m now comfortable, thanks to the back camera.
So he has helped me to be more conversant of the physical.
Lastly I used to take any "rejection" such as unanswered, unreturned phone calls personally. I would have have all sort of negative drama in my mind. Z had given me so many such situations as he wills that he cannot and should not call me so that he won't develop any feelings for me.
I learned to ignore his 'rejection' and continues to love him. My osho Outsider card was heavily activated with Z but now I can see it as it is.
That's why Z is in my daily prayer of thanks, even to this day. Despite his cruel rejection of me, and my sadness, I never fail to thank him daily for being him. Amen.
Suddenly realised that I m writing an obituary to Z as he had passed away from my life.
A tot came, still one thing to do, my open letter to Z. I wanted him to know my vision of our relationship, if we had continued to be together.
Today card is Z
Seven of Spades
This card challenge u to rise to higher levels of thinking, speaking and acting in areas that u r likely to be holding some negative patterns that need to be changed.
If u r willing to take responsibility for ur condition and practice positivity in spite of circumstances, u can realise the powerful spiritual potential of this card and attain new heights. In its highest form, this is the card of Faith.
Soul
Exactly. Same card of Trust like a fool in osho.
I m lovely, joyful and courageous. I have love Z despite no hope of a committed rship.
Whatever I learned with Z will be with me.
Sathsang...finally feeling at ease
Jan 13 Eve
Last time after every sathsang, Z be the first one I contact. Now, no more.
I had my release today in Sathsang. Now my attachment to Z has loosen.
I tot we r very compatible n that's special but he doesn't think so. It takes 2 hands to clap, now the other hand has gone, no more sounds.
Today sathsang was great. Very energetic and many people reach beyond. Since I had my release, I felt good. This is the second time I felt this way.
Osho
Whatever man does through effort is called maya, the illusory. Whatever is not done through human effort is called the divine.
Prayer is informal. It happens in a certain state of feeling. Sometimes it happens through tears and no words come. Sometimes it happens through dance and there is no trace of tears; sometimes through a smile, sometimes through humming a song. And the song is not fixed, that song will not be the same every day. Just whatever emerges, whatever comes, whatever arises naturally.
Soul
I have been praying informally as above.
Last time after every sathsang, Z be the first one I contact. Now, no more.
I had my release today in Sathsang. Now my attachment to Z has loosen.
I tot we r very compatible n that's special but he doesn't think so. It takes 2 hands to clap, now the other hand has gone, no more sounds.
Today sathsang was great. Very energetic and many people reach beyond. Since I had my release, I felt good. This is the second time I felt this way.
Osho
Whatever man does through effort is called maya, the illusory. Whatever is not done through human effort is called the divine.
Prayer is informal. It happens in a certain state of feeling. Sometimes it happens through tears and no words come. Sometimes it happens through dance and there is no trace of tears; sometimes through a smile, sometimes through humming a song. And the song is not fixed, that song will not be the same every day. Just whatever emerges, whatever comes, whatever arises naturally.
Soul
I have been praying informally as above.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Joy and bliss is within me...not with Z
Jan 13
Yday slept at 1.30 am, after reading Osho - daya and watching leela. I went to bed and suddenly laughter erupted.
Woke up with ok mood and body seems rested. But my fingers are numb, I knew this means I numb my feelings. Could be yday I numb it when I went to see Pe. I try to listen to my heart. I couldn't find it.
Came back after walk and breakfast. Now reading newspaper and saw Z's horoscope that he be meeting someone new. This is same as what his cards says, I start to feel sad.
A tot came, why I always think he will be better and I m left unwanted, why can't I have happy tot of myself, why can't I create of happy tot for myself.
Father, now m feeling unsure. I admitted I could be numbing myself. I don't want to do that but I don't want to be sad too. Guide me.
Or could it be I haven't been taking my medicine for past 2 days.
Just washing my face, suddenly tears came. If Pe is right that Z cook up the story of marriage just to get rid of me, that is even more sad. That's means he rejected me even when he hasn't found his partner, that is how much he want to get rid of me.
An alternative tot came, this is the advance notice u both talked about two years ago. The day he wanted to finally get married, he has to pull it out in advance, not at the verge. Father, noted but still I m sad that he never changed his mind. I too had doubts about him but I changed my mind cos I love him. He never love me, so won't even challenge his mindset.
Was washing my hair and suddenly I cried, it is truly over for him to be so cruel. I cried for awhile, did my body scrub and then proceed to release myself sexually as it is finally over. It was not so easy, first tot was Z, I tried to replace him with another face, but I couldn't. Then I try Z again, but couldn't too. In the end, just focus on my pleasure and I reached orgasm. Then laughter exploded from me. Continuous laughter, a tot came on what Osho said about the joy and bliss is in me, not my partner. I finally experienced it.
I tot I m such a treasure, a lovely, courageous, joyful woman. I have experienced life ups and down, but I stay intact. I m grateful.
My osho card for the day
Moment to moment
This is similar to my insight yday of taking one day at a time.
This card challenges us to move away from our preoccupations with other spaces and other times, and stay alert to what is happening here and now.
Life is a great ocean in which u can play if u drop all ur judgements, ur preferences and attachment to the details of ur long term plans. Be available to what comes ur way, as it comes. And don't worry if u stumble or fall, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, have a good laugh, and carry on.
Soul
Amen.
Queen of Spades (the card of Self-mastery)
We r given a special opportunity to achieve much success in our external life, by mastering ourselves within. This means creating more success by changing our inner tots, beliefs, and attitudes instead of trying to alter our external circumstances.
Soul
Yea. First step, I knew joy and bliss is in me.
Yday slept at 1.30 am, after reading Osho - daya and watching leela. I went to bed and suddenly laughter erupted.
Woke up with ok mood and body seems rested. But my fingers are numb, I knew this means I numb my feelings. Could be yday I numb it when I went to see Pe. I try to listen to my heart. I couldn't find it.
Came back after walk and breakfast. Now reading newspaper and saw Z's horoscope that he be meeting someone new. This is same as what his cards says, I start to feel sad.
A tot came, why I always think he will be better and I m left unwanted, why can't I have happy tot of myself, why can't I create of happy tot for myself.
Father, now m feeling unsure. I admitted I could be numbing myself. I don't want to do that but I don't want to be sad too. Guide me.
Or could it be I haven't been taking my medicine for past 2 days.
Just washing my face, suddenly tears came. If Pe is right that Z cook up the story of marriage just to get rid of me, that is even more sad. That's means he rejected me even when he hasn't found his partner, that is how much he want to get rid of me.
An alternative tot came, this is the advance notice u both talked about two years ago. The day he wanted to finally get married, he has to pull it out in advance, not at the verge. Father, noted but still I m sad that he never changed his mind. I too had doubts about him but I changed my mind cos I love him. He never love me, so won't even challenge his mindset.
Was washing my hair and suddenly I cried, it is truly over for him to be so cruel. I cried for awhile, did my body scrub and then proceed to release myself sexually as it is finally over. It was not so easy, first tot was Z, I tried to replace him with another face, but I couldn't. Then I try Z again, but couldn't too. In the end, just focus on my pleasure and I reached orgasm. Then laughter exploded from me. Continuous laughter, a tot came on what Osho said about the joy and bliss is in me, not my partner. I finally experienced it.
I tot I m such a treasure, a lovely, courageous, joyful woman. I have experienced life ups and down, but I stay intact. I m grateful.
My osho card for the day
Moment to moment
This is similar to my insight yday of taking one day at a time.
This card challenges us to move away from our preoccupations with other spaces and other times, and stay alert to what is happening here and now.
Life is a great ocean in which u can play if u drop all ur judgements, ur preferences and attachment to the details of ur long term plans. Be available to what comes ur way, as it comes. And don't worry if u stumble or fall, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, have a good laugh, and carry on.
Soul
Amen.
Queen of Spades (the card of Self-mastery)
We r given a special opportunity to achieve much success in our external life, by mastering ourselves within. This means creating more success by changing our inner tots, beliefs, and attitudes instead of trying to alter our external circumstances.
Soul
Yea. First step, I knew joy and bliss is in me.
My friend's input on Z's cruel break up with me
Jan 12 Eve
Just back from Pe's house. She was tired but knew I had something to tell her. I told her how Z broke up with me via msg and he is getting married. Pe said that was cruel. Z is a coward for not meeting up.
However, she recalled one of her past experience and said Z could be cruel to be kind. Perhaps he wanted to break up with me long time ago but couldn't. This time he had to do the final cut.
In fact, she thinks Z is calling a blough on his marriage. He is most likely haven't found the gal, but wanted to break up with me first.
She said I don't look like a heart broken gal. I told her I m not expressive. I had been sad and crying for past 2 weeks.
Today feeling slightly better after release of sadness. One day at a time.
I can now see Z as giving me advance notice. Just finished watching the last portion of 2nd leela dvd. Still feeling ok. I m also glad I don't feel judged by Pe over Z. We can now be vulnerable with each other, less judgments. She and I came a long way..since more than 10 years ago.
I told Pe that I tot of Kailash, she said I could be running away. I didn't reject but I don't think so, cos Kailash came before my trip to India. But, possible. Anyway, will see if there is any more msg coming. I forgot to share with her that I m not gathering new knowledge in Ashram. I m just deepening my practices, gaining further commitment.
Just back from Pe's house. She was tired but knew I had something to tell her. I told her how Z broke up with me via msg and he is getting married. Pe said that was cruel. Z is a coward for not meeting up.
However, she recalled one of her past experience and said Z could be cruel to be kind. Perhaps he wanted to break up with me long time ago but couldn't. This time he had to do the final cut.
In fact, she thinks Z is calling a blough on his marriage. He is most likely haven't found the gal, but wanted to break up with me first.
She said I don't look like a heart broken gal. I told her I m not expressive. I had been sad and crying for past 2 weeks.
Today feeling slightly better after release of sadness. One day at a time.
I can now see Z as giving me advance notice. Just finished watching the last portion of 2nd leela dvd. Still feeling ok. I m also glad I don't feel judged by Pe over Z. We can now be vulnerable with each other, less judgments. She and I came a long way..since more than 10 years ago.
I told Pe that I tot of Kailash, she said I could be running away. I didn't reject but I don't think so, cos Kailash came before my trip to India. But, possible. Anyway, will see if there is any more msg coming. I forgot to share with her that I m not gathering new knowledge in Ashram. I m just deepening my practices, gaining further commitment.
Enough of crying..turning point
Jan 12 Af
Sadness sat in again. Don't feel like working.
Just want to sleep off the sadness.
Woke up after 3 hours. Feeling better. Decided today is my off day. Will do work tomorrow.
Had a piece of cake and coffee, my comforts.
Enough of crying and sad for the day.
Lets go out with friend for dinner.
Then later, I did my office work for 2 hours before going out for dinner with friend. Want to tell Pe about Z's final break up with me. I wanted to find an alternative view of Z's spiteful breakup, very cruel. I don't deserved to be treated this cruelly. While he may be 'afraid' I will 'hold' on, but give me the benefit of doubt. I will find it difficult to let go, but I have my pride too. I won't stay since Z has found someone else is getting married. He see me so weak.
Sadness sat in again. Don't feel like working.
Just want to sleep off the sadness.
Woke up after 3 hours. Feeling better. Decided today is my off day. Will do work tomorrow.
Had a piece of cake and coffee, my comforts.
Enough of crying and sad for the day.
Lets go out with friend for dinner.
Then later, I did my office work for 2 hours before going out for dinner with friend. Want to tell Pe about Z's final break up with me. I wanted to find an alternative view of Z's spiteful breakup, very cruel. I don't deserved to be treated this cruelly. While he may be 'afraid' I will 'hold' on, but give me the benefit of doubt. I will find it difficult to let go, but I have my pride too. I won't stay since Z has found someone else is getting married. He see me so weak.
One day at a time
Jan 12
Had a good night sleep after watching leela. Little tots of Z and I m glad.
Woke up with a sadness, I asked when will this end? When can I move on? Did my practices, a quiet calm settled in me.
Went for my swim, bit flustered. I then asked how to go on, the future look bleak. I cried a bit in the pool (first time) and swim one step at a time, feeling calmer. Then I knew how to go on with my life, "one day at a time". I felt better.
Swam for another round, sadness came again, I had tots of Z celebrate with his future wife. This is unfair, I waited 2 years for him but alas its not me. Then I stop, my tots are mine to create. Why don't I focus on my heart, instead of sad tots over Z.
I breathe in then I asked my heart, how? Suddenly a muffle came and I tot my heart cried again, but it was actually singing. I cried again, this time with gladness cos my heart is singing, we can go on, then I started to laugh, one day at a time.
I swam again and suddenly recalled the tot that I always stop my growth. I was afraid that more growth means less chance for me to be loved and comforted.
I knew I stop my growth career wise but I knew that final cut with the new company and going on 3 days weeks is correct.
I also stop my spiritual growth n tot of Kailash came. Yes, go all the way, with that I swam rigorously. Feeling better.
Then tot perhaps to cancel March trip to Australia and focus on Kailash. But never mind, I have money.
Came back, wanting some porridge to comfort myself. Family was waiting for me for dim sum breakfast. Yes, one day at a time.
Had a good night sleep after watching leela. Little tots of Z and I m glad.
Woke up with a sadness, I asked when will this end? When can I move on? Did my practices, a quiet calm settled in me.
Went for my swim, bit flustered. I then asked how to go on, the future look bleak. I cried a bit in the pool (first time) and swim one step at a time, feeling calmer. Then I knew how to go on with my life, "one day at a time". I felt better.
Swam for another round, sadness came again, I had tots of Z celebrate with his future wife. This is unfair, I waited 2 years for him but alas its not me. Then I stop, my tots are mine to create. Why don't I focus on my heart, instead of sad tots over Z.
I breathe in then I asked my heart, how? Suddenly a muffle came and I tot my heart cried again, but it was actually singing. I cried again, this time with gladness cos my heart is singing, we can go on, then I started to laugh, one day at a time.
I swam again and suddenly recalled the tot that I always stop my growth. I was afraid that more growth means less chance for me to be loved and comforted.
I knew I stop my growth career wise but I knew that final cut with the new company and going on 3 days weeks is correct.
I also stop my spiritual growth n tot of Kailash came. Yes, go all the way, with that I swam rigorously. Feeling better.
Then tot perhaps to cancel March trip to Australia and focus on Kailash. But never mind, I have money.
Came back, wanting some porridge to comfort myself. Family was waiting for me for dim sum breakfast. Yes, one day at a time.
Tired after so much crying and contemplation
Jan 11 Eve
Just finished watching a drama serial, the gal finally got the guy. I m happy for them.
Its been a tiring week with sadness over Z and the difficult contract negotiation. Asking and expressing my desires are getting easier. Even if their lawyer said no, we can still reiterate. Don't give up on ourselves so easily out of fear of rejection. Mmm, suddenly tot perhaps that what the new head, with a Nine of Diamonds is teaching me.
Finally released the blog to Z. Taking a break from reading Osho and now to watch Sadhguru's leela dvd.
Just finished watching a drama serial, the gal finally got the guy. I m happy for them.
Its been a tiring week with sadness over Z and the difficult contract negotiation. Asking and expressing my desires are getting easier. Even if their lawyer said no, we can still reiterate. Don't give up on ourselves so easily out of fear of rejection. Mmm, suddenly tot perhaps that what the new head, with a Nine of Diamonds is teaching me.
Finally released the blog to Z. Taking a break from reading Osho and now to watch Sadhguru's leela dvd.
I am afraid of Growth..
Jan 11 Aft 1
Father, my movement is rigid.
I m afraid to grow. To grow means more power, more responsibility, and no love. As I tot, more power, I lose the right to seek love as I had to create it myself. Only the weak one have such eligibility to seek love from others.
Mmm, this was drained to me by my mom. No wonder I don't want to be cured from RA as it gives me and others a valid excuse nor to grow.
My RA caused by my suppression of emotions. I suppressed due to fear of losing approval, losing my valuation as a high EQ person. I tot if I lost it, I m no longer special, I m no longer lovable.
Father, I just wrote to T on Kailash. I think that's next. I needed the lake to dissolve me. Dhynalinga opened me up.
Six of Clubs
Your intuition will be stronger than usual.
Situations will arise that promote bringing your life into balance and stability. Whatever is out of balance will have to be adJusted so there may be karmic debts to pay.
Soul
Finally after all the tears and digging, I saw my blindness which cause me to have expectation on Z. He didn't betrayed me, I self blinded myself.
But I know if I didn't self blind myself, we couldn't have continued for so long. I wouldn't have found my heart, and open my heart.
This is a new beginning. I like to see where I go from here.
Another breakthru is I no longer take the break up as a personal rejection of me or my lovability. This time I can see my loveliness, my grace. I can see how I play a part.
Father, my movement is rigid.
I m afraid to grow. To grow means more power, more responsibility, and no love. As I tot, more power, I lose the right to seek love as I had to create it myself. Only the weak one have such eligibility to seek love from others.
Mmm, this was drained to me by my mom. No wonder I don't want to be cured from RA as it gives me and others a valid excuse nor to grow.
My RA caused by my suppression of emotions. I suppressed due to fear of losing approval, losing my valuation as a high EQ person. I tot if I lost it, I m no longer special, I m no longer lovable.
Father, I just wrote to T on Kailash. I think that's next. I needed the lake to dissolve me. Dhynalinga opened me up.
Six of Clubs
Your intuition will be stronger than usual.
Situations will arise that promote bringing your life into balance and stability. Whatever is out of balance will have to be adJusted so there may be karmic debts to pay.
Soul
Finally after all the tears and digging, I saw my blindness which cause me to have expectation on Z. He didn't betrayed me, I self blinded myself.
But I know if I didn't self blind myself, we couldn't have continued for so long. I wouldn't have found my heart, and open my heart.
This is a new beginning. I like to see where I go from here.
Another breakthru is I no longer take the break up as a personal rejection of me or my lovability. This time I can see my loveliness, my grace. I can see how I play a part.
Friday, January 11, 2013
My projections...my blindness on Z
Jan 11 Aft
Father,
Not sure on the msg. I tot my release is complete. I m expecting completion card or friendliness.
Osho
1. Me - laziness
2 him - lovers
3. Composite - projection
4. Insight - sorrow.
U have loved Z so much and u have staked all and then suddenly one day he is gone. Crying in ur loneliness, those are the occasions when, if u use them, u can become aware.
The arrow is hurting; it can be used. The pain is not to make u miserable, the pain is to make u become aware! And when u r aware, misery disappears.
Times of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen, we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is, without blame or self-pity.
Soul
Father, I just told S that I shared with Z, my blog. I said I need to express my emotions, otherwise pain will come. I told her, she wants to express and her 'friend" wants to listen, so they are perfect. Me, I cannot talk and Z don't want to listen. I can write but Z don't read and can't write.
Father, suddenly it occurred to me that Z and I don't have any communications, we don't share our emotions, that's why we have frequent explosion.
And that's why he is now ready to get married to another girl. What s fuck up? Shame on me for not having good communications, which is my forte at work. But, I had difficulty in expression. From now onwards, need to express. I must remember if I don't express, pain will come.
Was updating my blog and saw The Source card in this week "what to do?".
I went in and found my Inner Guidance and it said to express and released my blog to Z.
Father, this is a new beginning for me. I now learned the value of expression. Also, I can now finally open up my website, together with my blog. Amen.
Soul
Now I understands the Laziness card. I may have found my heart and release its sadness. But going forward, I need to learn to express verbally.
Suddenly recalled Ad said I m not confrontation verbally, I only do it via email, via writing.
Z and I don't communicate. We avoid it. I avoid out of fear of losing him. He avoid because he doesn't want to know my feelings, he doesn't want to get attached, doesn't want to get involved, as he is focused on his original plan of getting married with children. He knows he is going to leave me and so don't want to be entangled. That's is why he never wanted to initiate any calls.
Father, I have blinded myself :(
He has never been true with me. I recalled when we first started, he said that is his plan and if I agree, he will play.I agreed because I fell in love with him and he is my cosmic lesson and I wanted to open and released my body sexually. I knew something is blocked within me.
He was my Seven of Spades - faith card. So, I just continues to love him quietly cos he didn't want to know of my love. To him, that will only make him guilty for leaving me when the time comes. That's why he feel justified in marrying another girl without giving me advance notice.
So, I can't say he cheated me, I cheated myself because I was hoping albeit in futile. I was the stupid one. My perception was distorted because of my entanglement, because of my love, because I want to be with him.
It was only sex for him, but love for me. I hoped he can see my love from my love making, but he only take it as my experiment. He pretend that I m experienced sexually, eventhough he knew he was the first guy for me. He prefers not to know so he can let go of me without guilt.
So, he doesn't want to listen to my feelings, he doesn't want me to express myself so he can continues to pretend that I am the same as him, being with him for sex, just for the play. He can 'play' for one and half year without being entangled at all.
But I need not blame myself for not expressing my feelings as I have been blocked by him many times as he doesn't want to know about my feelings. I know I did try a couple of times, but he runs away. And when I write to him out of desperation, he waived and jokes it off as he really, truly don't want to know about me. And here, I explore every facet of him :(
Now finally can see today Osho's composite card of Projection.
I blinded myself with hope that he will eventually love me and he blinded himself that I never love him and since he never declared, he can absolved himself for any involvement with me. And as for the confidential rship. It is not because he may lose focus on his business.
The confidentiality of our rship is to facilitate a clean break for him. To enable him to break up easily without anyone knowing about us, about me. I used to think he was ashamed of me, that he cannot show me up as his girlfriend, but it has nothing to do with me. He hides me so he can have a clean break.
Shame on me for putting him on a pedestal. I should be putting myself up.
Now that my perception is cleared, I have to take. I can't least remove the pain of betrayal by Z. He didn't betrayed me. He just stood to his original plan, avoid his feeling, ignore my feelings. It was I who is blind.
I just need to see how my love for him blinded me. And how my fear of expression, fear of sadness and fear of losing him makes me unable to express with clarity, resulting in me blindly hoping and Z executing his original plan without any qualms of hurting me.
Father, I m now determined to express myself in future. Suppression not only result in RA pain but also caused me unhappiness in my relationships. I have found my heart and my courage for expression. I m determined to live well.
Father,
Not sure on the msg. I tot my release is complete. I m expecting completion card or friendliness.
Osho
1. Me - laziness
2 him - lovers
3. Composite - projection
4. Insight - sorrow.
U have loved Z so much and u have staked all and then suddenly one day he is gone. Crying in ur loneliness, those are the occasions when, if u use them, u can become aware.
The arrow is hurting; it can be used. The pain is not to make u miserable, the pain is to make u become aware! And when u r aware, misery disappears.
Times of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen, we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is, without blame or self-pity.
Soul
Father, I just told S that I shared with Z, my blog. I said I need to express my emotions, otherwise pain will come. I told her, she wants to express and her 'friend" wants to listen, so they are perfect. Me, I cannot talk and Z don't want to listen. I can write but Z don't read and can't write.
Father, suddenly it occurred to me that Z and I don't have any communications, we don't share our emotions, that's why we have frequent explosion.
And that's why he is now ready to get married to another girl. What s fuck up? Shame on me for not having good communications, which is my forte at work. But, I had difficulty in expression. From now onwards, need to express. I must remember if I don't express, pain will come.
Was updating my blog and saw The Source card in this week "what to do?".
I went in and found my Inner Guidance and it said to express and released my blog to Z.
Father, this is a new beginning for me. I now learned the value of expression. Also, I can now finally open up my website, together with my blog. Amen.
Soul
Now I understands the Laziness card. I may have found my heart and release its sadness. But going forward, I need to learn to express verbally.
Suddenly recalled Ad said I m not confrontation verbally, I only do it via email, via writing.
Z and I don't communicate. We avoid it. I avoid out of fear of losing him. He avoid because he doesn't want to know my feelings, he doesn't want to get attached, doesn't want to get involved, as he is focused on his original plan of getting married with children. He knows he is going to leave me and so don't want to be entangled. That's is why he never wanted to initiate any calls.
Father, I have blinded myself :(
He has never been true with me. I recalled when we first started, he said that is his plan and if I agree, he will play.I agreed because I fell in love with him and he is my cosmic lesson and I wanted to open and released my body sexually. I knew something is blocked within me.
He was my Seven of Spades - faith card. So, I just continues to love him quietly cos he didn't want to know of my love. To him, that will only make him guilty for leaving me when the time comes. That's why he feel justified in marrying another girl without giving me advance notice.
So, I can't say he cheated me, I cheated myself because I was hoping albeit in futile. I was the stupid one. My perception was distorted because of my entanglement, because of my love, because I want to be with him.
It was only sex for him, but love for me. I hoped he can see my love from my love making, but he only take it as my experiment. He pretend that I m experienced sexually, eventhough he knew he was the first guy for me. He prefers not to know so he can let go of me without guilt.
So, he doesn't want to listen to my feelings, he doesn't want me to express myself so he can continues to pretend that I am the same as him, being with him for sex, just for the play. He can 'play' for one and half year without being entangled at all.
But I need not blame myself for not expressing my feelings as I have been blocked by him many times as he doesn't want to know about my feelings. I know I did try a couple of times, but he runs away. And when I write to him out of desperation, he waived and jokes it off as he really, truly don't want to know about me. And here, I explore every facet of him :(
Now finally can see today Osho's composite card of Projection.
I blinded myself with hope that he will eventually love me and he blinded himself that I never love him and since he never declared, he can absolved himself for any involvement with me. And as for the confidential rship. It is not because he may lose focus on his business.
The confidentiality of our rship is to facilitate a clean break for him. To enable him to break up easily without anyone knowing about us, about me. I used to think he was ashamed of me, that he cannot show me up as his girlfriend, but it has nothing to do with me. He hides me so he can have a clean break.
Shame on me for putting him on a pedestal. I should be putting myself up.
Now that my perception is cleared, I have to take. I can't least remove the pain of betrayal by Z. He didn't betrayed me. He just stood to his original plan, avoid his feeling, ignore my feelings. It was I who is blind.
I just need to see how my love for him blinded me. And how my fear of expression, fear of sadness and fear of losing him makes me unable to express with clarity, resulting in me blindly hoping and Z executing his original plan without any qualms of hurting me.
Father, I m now determined to express myself in future. Suppression not only result in RA pain but also caused me unhappiness in my relationships. I have found my heart and my courage for expression. I m determined to live well.
My heart is open - open my blog to Z
Jan 11
I had a dream of Z making love to me, in front of others meditation members. I even saw his little black book where he records the number of times he made love to us. I saw P name for one time and become upset cos he was not open with me. Then I saw my names, the most times in the list. I said it doesn't matter who he had made love too as I m the one he comes back too. With that I woke up.
First tot I had was Z was in my mind, still not fully released. Not sure what else is left to released.
Then I said maybe the dream is to confirmed Z opened my body but not my heart.
I have to be the one who open my heart. I don't need another lesson.
Took a shower and I did my asanas followed by breathing. There were some little tots of office end Z but I waived it. While I was doing Shakti, suddenly a voice said, tell Z the blog.
I was surprised as this has never occurred to me. But I was open to the inner voice and said I will check my Osho card and if the same msg came, I will share the blog. After all, nothing to lose, he is already lost and won't be in my future, so no impact to my vulnerability in releasing my emotions. There is nothing to hide. When I did Shambhavi, it occurred to me, perfect release. Release my blog, followed by release in Sathsang.
My lesson is to open my heart and express my feeling, It may have come too late but at least I had a proper closure as Z won't even want to have a chat with me. Since it is also difficult for me to open up, whatever left unsaid is all in my blog. Whether he reads or not, doesn't matter, main thing is I learned to overcome my fear to express my feelings. I know he already made up his mind, and there is no more hope of us but there is hope for me still. This is a new beginning.
In future, when I have my partner, I will blog to release and then tell him my feelings. It is a delayed expression but one step at a time. Amen.
Just checked my Whatsapp, Z would have read my message. I no longer need to suffer in silence.
I had a dream of Z making love to me, in front of others meditation members. I even saw his little black book where he records the number of times he made love to us. I saw P name for one time and become upset cos he was not open with me. Then I saw my names, the most times in the list. I said it doesn't matter who he had made love too as I m the one he comes back too. With that I woke up.
First tot I had was Z was in my mind, still not fully released. Not sure what else is left to released.
Then I said maybe the dream is to confirmed Z opened my body but not my heart.
I have to be the one who open my heart. I don't need another lesson.
Took a shower and I did my asanas followed by breathing. There were some little tots of office end Z but I waived it. While I was doing Shakti, suddenly a voice said, tell Z the blog.
I was surprised as this has never occurred to me. But I was open to the inner voice and said I will check my Osho card and if the same msg came, I will share the blog. After all, nothing to lose, he is already lost and won't be in my future, so no impact to my vulnerability in releasing my emotions. There is nothing to hide. When I did Shambhavi, it occurred to me, perfect release. Release my blog, followed by release in Sathsang.
My lesson is to open my heart and express my feeling, It may have come too late but at least I had a proper closure as Z won't even want to have a chat with me. Since it is also difficult for me to open up, whatever left unsaid is all in my blog. Whether he reads or not, doesn't matter, main thing is I learned to overcome my fear to express my feelings. I know he already made up his mind, and there is no more hope of us but there is hope for me still. This is a new beginning.
In future, when I have my partner, I will blog to release and then tell him my feelings. It is a delayed expression but one step at a time. Amen.
Just checked my Whatsapp, Z would have read my message. I no longer need to suffer in silence.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Melt down required
Jan 10 Eve 1
Feeling better after the long cry. I now knew, there was an auto switch on my tears, it is switched off when I just start to cry. It allows a drop or two. After meditation, I can cry bit more. Now I knew why the clamp up against Dhynalinga, cos I m afraid to open. When I did, a meltdown came and such anguish arise.
So Deb Shapiro's interpretation on blocked nose is true.
Blocked nose
Ur blocked nose may be due to having a cold but it could also reflect a need to release some deep grief or sadness. Feelings get locked inside and they need to be aired.
Unexpressed tears can find their way out through a runny nose: ur emotions are literally pouring out of you.
Soul
I was frozen and meditation and finally Dhynalinga freed me. Z's back handed marriage plan was just the switch I need to turn on my tears, to melt.
Now I finally accept the Ice-olation card of unshed tears. It say joy can melt the ice and allow tears to be released. I m finally freed. I can now hear my inner voice, I will cherish myself.
Osho
Awareness is a very subtle energy. Either it keeps flowing out through ur senses, and then it is not really under ur control,... ur senses are causing ur awareness to wander who knows where, to what places. And then whatever each sense is telling u about the world, that is what u think life is. But the senses have no way of knowing the truth. The senses are blind. Only the witness inside u has the possibility of knowing the truth; no one has.
The information the senses give u is simply a matter of habit. U see what u have become used to seeing. When u trained urself, even bitter things like wine and coffee taste sweet. It is only matter of training, a matter of habit, and has no relationship with the truth.
Soul
For food is true.
A tot came. I recalled prior to the incident, I cried loads. Mom told me I will simply cry non stop till I sleep. Then after the incident, I stopped crying.
Osho
Senses cannot be trusted. Ur perception is akin to ur passion. It changes.
Feeling better after the long cry. I now knew, there was an auto switch on my tears, it is switched off when I just start to cry. It allows a drop or two. After meditation, I can cry bit more. Now I knew why the clamp up against Dhynalinga, cos I m afraid to open. When I did, a meltdown came and such anguish arise.
So Deb Shapiro's interpretation on blocked nose is true.
Blocked nose
Ur blocked nose may be due to having a cold but it could also reflect a need to release some deep grief or sadness. Feelings get locked inside and they need to be aired.
Unexpressed tears can find their way out through a runny nose: ur emotions are literally pouring out of you.
Soul
I was frozen and meditation and finally Dhynalinga freed me. Z's back handed marriage plan was just the switch I need to turn on my tears, to melt.
Now I finally accept the Ice-olation card of unshed tears. It say joy can melt the ice and allow tears to be released. I m finally freed. I can now hear my inner voice, I will cherish myself.
Osho
Awareness is a very subtle energy. Either it keeps flowing out through ur senses, and then it is not really under ur control,... ur senses are causing ur awareness to wander who knows where, to what places. And then whatever each sense is telling u about the world, that is what u think life is. But the senses have no way of knowing the truth. The senses are blind. Only the witness inside u has the possibility of knowing the truth; no one has.
The information the senses give u is simply a matter of habit. U see what u have become used to seeing. When u trained urself, even bitter things like wine and coffee taste sweet. It is only matter of training, a matter of habit, and has no relationship with the truth.
Soul
For food is true.
A tot came. I recalled prior to the incident, I cried loads. Mom told me I will simply cry non stop till I sleep. Then after the incident, I stopped crying.
Osho
Senses cannot be trusted. Ur perception is akin to ur passion. It changes.
Let me cry
Jan 10 Eve
Freed to cry out.
Came back from early from contract negotiation meeting. Suddenly feel like a walk in the park. Went with my sister and nephew and I walked for about 45 minutes. During the walk, I felt freed and my sister and I said we will walk weekly on Wednesday. I like that, another new beginning.
My sister commented that her sis in law and me are both single, but our life style so different. Her sis in law into drinking and mine is healthy.
Came back to do Shoonya and Samyama. Had some illusory tots on Z, I told myself to just accept my sadness and such tots will stop. Cried a bit over Z during Samyama.
Had a tot of Z. He had faced difficult times for the past two years. He deserved a rest now. I m happy for him, he is now financially stable n got the wife and family he wanted.
Then I tot I too had good wishes for the first person that I loved too. They didn't settled down with me. I m sad and yet I wish them well.
I m such a lovely person, always have kind tots for people, even when I m not in the equation. I need to start have the same loving tots for myself. Find myself a lovely partner, like me.
Was feeling hot and had a quick shower. A tot of telling Z that I m fine and I wish him well came. I dismissed it and said Z treated me shabbily. Even I wish him well, I don't have to tell him.
Then I started to cry out loud, a voice said, "why can't u cherished urself?". "why must u give others first?". I cried for a bit more and suddenly stop.
Father, I cried a few times today. I was about to write that I never cried so many times in a day, about to say, "I m done". Suddenly, I start to cry uncontrollably, a voice said, begging, "let me cry", "let me cry", "let me cry".
A tot came, when the childhood incident happen, I want to cry but mom said cannot, ask me to stop crying. From that day, I can hardly cry eventhough I m sad. My tears normally last for a few second or so, and suddenly stop. I can never cry more.
I m crying again, a voice said "let me cry", "let me cry". Suddenly I was singing Nadha bramha. I quickly switched and CD and let myself cry throughout the song.
I feel better now. Suddenly I knew why I m mostly cold, cos I m frozen. Now that I m freed, I can feel the heat.
Father, I got the Guidance card today. It said listen to my Inner Voice, it may be soft but I can follow it to safety.
Just now told S that I cried loads. I m no longer ashamed of my tears. I deserved to cry, just like I deserved to be cherished, to be loved, deserved to be taken care of.
Father, let my soft Inner Voice be heard. I will listen. Let me just be an ordinary gal that need love and comfort, I need not be the self-protected gal, going around saving and loving others before myself.
Freed to cry out.
Came back from early from contract negotiation meeting. Suddenly feel like a walk in the park. Went with my sister and nephew and I walked for about 45 minutes. During the walk, I felt freed and my sister and I said we will walk weekly on Wednesday. I like that, another new beginning.
My sister commented that her sis in law and me are both single, but our life style so different. Her sis in law into drinking and mine is healthy.
Came back to do Shoonya and Samyama. Had some illusory tots on Z, I told myself to just accept my sadness and such tots will stop. Cried a bit over Z during Samyama.
Had a tot of Z. He had faced difficult times for the past two years. He deserved a rest now. I m happy for him, he is now financially stable n got the wife and family he wanted.
Then I tot I too had good wishes for the first person that I loved too. They didn't settled down with me. I m sad and yet I wish them well.
I m such a lovely person, always have kind tots for people, even when I m not in the equation. I need to start have the same loving tots for myself. Find myself a lovely partner, like me.
Was feeling hot and had a quick shower. A tot of telling Z that I m fine and I wish him well came. I dismissed it and said Z treated me shabbily. Even I wish him well, I don't have to tell him.
Then I started to cry out loud, a voice said, "why can't u cherished urself?". "why must u give others first?". I cried for a bit more and suddenly stop.
Father, I cried a few times today. I was about to write that I never cried so many times in a day, about to say, "I m done". Suddenly, I start to cry uncontrollably, a voice said, begging, "let me cry", "let me cry", "let me cry".
A tot came, when the childhood incident happen, I want to cry but mom said cannot, ask me to stop crying. From that day, I can hardly cry eventhough I m sad. My tears normally last for a few second or so, and suddenly stop. I can never cry more.
I m crying again, a voice said "let me cry", "let me cry". Suddenly I was singing Nadha bramha. I quickly switched and CD and let myself cry throughout the song.
I feel better now. Suddenly I knew why I m mostly cold, cos I m frozen. Now that I m freed, I can feel the heat.
Father, I got the Guidance card today. It said listen to my Inner Voice, it may be soft but I can follow it to safety.
Just now told S that I cried loads. I m no longer ashamed of my tears. I deserved to cry, just like I deserved to be cherished, to be loved, deserved to be taken care of.
Father, let my soft Inner Voice be heard. I will listen. Let me just be an ordinary gal that need love and comfort, I need not be the self-protected gal, going around saving and loving others before myself.
Blocked nose - deep grief or sadness locked inside (unexpressed tears)
Jan 10 Aft
Father, I did Shoonya just now. It had been a long time since I laugh loads during Shoonya. I m on the right track. My issue with rship is created by me.
In work, I said nothing to lose, cos I have safety parameters, I knew my strengths and weaknesses, I m secure and confident about my deliverable and always work for win win situation.
Nothing to lose, cos I m safely secure.
I will implement the same in my romantic rship.
Had some tots of unexpectedly meeting Z and his future wife. But I waived off. Need not waste time thinking about him.
Deb Shapiro
Inflammation occurs when the immune system is trying to fight off an invading harmful substance, causing swelling and pain.
There is a war going on between ur inner being and invading substance. Perhaps u r failing to acknowledge this war within urself.
1. Are u feeling angry and fired about something?
2. An inflammation is swollen and sore, can u find out what is making u feel this way inside?
3. Is there a battle going on between what is acceptable and what is not?
4. Is there a battle between ur own beliefs or feelings and those of someone else.
5. What or who has penetrated ur defence.
.
Cold
Colds, runny noses and tears are all related - mucus and tears are both ways of releasing repressed or pent up informations.
U may well feel a helplessness and despair, the same need for comfort. So, if u have a bad cold, u may want to see if there is some crying or grieving u r repressing, some deep feelings that has been pushed aside. Unshed tears will find their way into the nose, whether they are due to sadness, frustration or guilt.
Soul
No wonder, since I got loads pent up.
Deb Shapiro
Blocked nose may be one way of keeping memories away. There could also be some intuitive insight u would rather not acknowledge, or a deeper perception u r ignoring.
If ur nose is blocked, do u really want to pull back or take some time out to urself for a while. This is one way to put up a barrier, a blockage that stops the world from coming in.
Are u blocking something within urself, getting stuffy and airless in ur attitude
Are u being particularly prejudiced or closed.
What do u need to do open up and breathe freely again.
Ur blocked nose may be due to having a cold but it could also reflect a need to release some deep grief or sadness. Feelings get locked inside and they need to be aired.
Unexpressed tears can find their way out through a runny nose: ur emotions are literally pouring out of you.
Soul
Mmm. Mine is blocked.
Father, I did Shoonya just now. It had been a long time since I laugh loads during Shoonya. I m on the right track. My issue with rship is created by me.
In work, I said nothing to lose, cos I have safety parameters, I knew my strengths and weaknesses, I m secure and confident about my deliverable and always work for win win situation.
Nothing to lose, cos I m safely secure.
I will implement the same in my romantic rship.
Had some tots of unexpectedly meeting Z and his future wife. But I waived off. Need not waste time thinking about him.
Deb Shapiro
Inflammation occurs when the immune system is trying to fight off an invading harmful substance, causing swelling and pain.
There is a war going on between ur inner being and invading substance. Perhaps u r failing to acknowledge this war within urself.
1. Are u feeling angry and fired about something?
2. An inflammation is swollen and sore, can u find out what is making u feel this way inside?
3. Is there a battle going on between what is acceptable and what is not?
4. Is there a battle between ur own beliefs or feelings and those of someone else.
5. What or who has penetrated ur defence.
.
Cold
Colds, runny noses and tears are all related - mucus and tears are both ways of releasing repressed or pent up informations.
U may well feel a helplessness and despair, the same need for comfort. So, if u have a bad cold, u may want to see if there is some crying or grieving u r repressing, some deep feelings that has been pushed aside. Unshed tears will find their way into the nose, whether they are due to sadness, frustration or guilt.
Soul
No wonder, since I got loads pent up.
Deb Shapiro
Blocked nose may be one way of keeping memories away. There could also be some intuitive insight u would rather not acknowledge, or a deeper perception u r ignoring.
If ur nose is blocked, do u really want to pull back or take some time out to urself for a while. This is one way to put up a barrier, a blockage that stops the world from coming in.
Are u blocking something within urself, getting stuffy and airless in ur attitude
Are u being particularly prejudiced or closed.
What do u need to do open up and breathe freely again.
Ur blocked nose may be due to having a cold but it could also reflect a need to release some deep grief or sadness. Feelings get locked inside and they need to be aired.
Unexpressed tears can find their way out through a runny nose: ur emotions are literally pouring out of you.
Soul
Mmm. Mine is blocked.
Angry with myself for believing I don't need protection
Jan 10
Woke up at 4.30 am before alarm. Body was fine, so got up at 5 am to take shower. Did the standing postures followed by breathing. Shakti and Shambhavi was fine but there were many tots of a contract negotiation that is happening today.
I can feel the fear in me. Worrying about the contract negotiations. At first judge myself for not able to convinced the client and not understanding the seriousness of the said clauses. But then I have never encountered any disputes before. So, I will learn. Also then realised I need to qualify the authority to the Marketing Director by saying I needed an email proof that their Purchasing has accepted their purchase requisition and PO being processed and there is a limit of RM30k.
No worries, don't take this personally, the deal will go thru.
I finally realised I was angry with myself, for believing I had no needs, I don't need to be comforted, don't need to be protected, don't need to be cherished.
I even believe that when I love my partner, he doesn't have to do anything to obtain my love. He need prove his love. He need not show his love, he need not cherish me. My love is true and committed.
Father, with this kind of belief, how can I expect to anyone to protect and comfort me. I have always been envious of people who gets protection. I tot it was me who is not so lovable, so others are not keen to safeguard me. I will be resentful of people who got more TLC vs me, especially if I don't think they deserve it. And sad to say, I normally think they deserves it, except for me. So, I look to myself and God for protection. I keep on saying God had given me many gifts and with it comes responsibility. No wonder I resisted Sadhguru and played down on my spiritual receptivity cos I tot with more powers, more responsibility, no more love. That's is also why I don't want to go Kailash, cos I don't want to go higher.
Now I know it was my belief that keeps others from loving me, from cherishing me.
No wonder I m angry but since it was not realised, it went into my body.
As I was driving, my new mantra I deserved to be cherished.
Resolution
Fighting.
An explosive temper or a smouldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frightened people away, we can avoid being hurt even more.
Its time to stop fighting, there is so much love available to u, if u just let it in. Start by forgiving urself.
Soul
My case, suppressed rage at myself causing joints inflammation. I limit my growth from all angles, so that I don't have to be responsible for everyone, so I can then still be eligible to ask for comfort.
I believed I don't need and can't get comfort, so I stop asking from myself and others. I even give the impression I don't need comfort by suppressing by sadness and rage.
Father, I finally see how I have created myself. It is Shame on me for disallowing myself to be loved and cherished.
Reading Z's north node in Aquarius and South node in Leo. I knew he can't give love but I said I will give love for both of us. Shame on me.
Seven of hearts.
Indicates betrayal by those we love.
We allowed ourselves the freedom to be just who we are and experience just how it feels to
Soul
Yes. I am the betrayer myself. I disallowed myself to be loved and cherished.
No wonder I always have the feeling of being unloved. It was I who kept myself away from being loved.
Woke up at 4.30 am before alarm. Body was fine, so got up at 5 am to take shower. Did the standing postures followed by breathing. Shakti and Shambhavi was fine but there were many tots of a contract negotiation that is happening today.
I can feel the fear in me. Worrying about the contract negotiations. At first judge myself for not able to convinced the client and not understanding the seriousness of the said clauses. But then I have never encountered any disputes before. So, I will learn. Also then realised I need to qualify the authority to the Marketing Director by saying I needed an email proof that their Purchasing has accepted their purchase requisition and PO being processed and there is a limit of RM30k.
No worries, don't take this personally, the deal will go thru.
I finally realised I was angry with myself, for believing I had no needs, I don't need to be comforted, don't need to be protected, don't need to be cherished.
I even believe that when I love my partner, he doesn't have to do anything to obtain my love. He need prove his love. He need not show his love, he need not cherish me. My love is true and committed.
Father, with this kind of belief, how can I expect to anyone to protect and comfort me. I have always been envious of people who gets protection. I tot it was me who is not so lovable, so others are not keen to safeguard me. I will be resentful of people who got more TLC vs me, especially if I don't think they deserve it. And sad to say, I normally think they deserves it, except for me. So, I look to myself and God for protection. I keep on saying God had given me many gifts and with it comes responsibility. No wonder I resisted Sadhguru and played down on my spiritual receptivity cos I tot with more powers, more responsibility, no more love. That's is also why I don't want to go Kailash, cos I don't want to go higher.
Now I know it was my belief that keeps others from loving me, from cherishing me.
No wonder I m angry but since it was not realised, it went into my body.
As I was driving, my new mantra I deserved to be cherished.
Resolution
Fighting.
An explosive temper or a smouldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frightened people away, we can avoid being hurt even more.
Its time to stop fighting, there is so much love available to u, if u just let it in. Start by forgiving urself.
Soul
My case, suppressed rage at myself causing joints inflammation. I limit my growth from all angles, so that I don't have to be responsible for everyone, so I can then still be eligible to ask for comfort.
I believed I don't need and can't get comfort, so I stop asking from myself and others. I even give the impression I don't need comfort by suppressing by sadness and rage.
Father, I finally see how I have created myself. It is Shame on me for disallowing myself to be loved and cherished.
Reading Z's north node in Aquarius and South node in Leo. I knew he can't give love but I said I will give love for both of us. Shame on me.
Seven of hearts.
Indicates betrayal by those we love.
We allowed ourselves the freedom to be just who we are and experience just how it feels to
Soul
Yes. I am the betrayer myself. I disallowed myself to be loved and cherished.
No wonder I always have the feeling of being unloved. It was I who kept myself away from being loved.
Autoimmune disorder - putting myself down
Jan 9 Eve1
Deb Shapiro
If the immune system is overactive against internal antigen, then it can start destroying the body, as in autoimmune diseases; if it is underactive, then abnormal body cells will develop, as in cancer.
Autoimmune disorder
U need to ask urself how u have become an enemy to urself and/or to what extent u allow others to influence u, in denial of ur own tots or feelings.
1. Do u feel if u r not really valid?
2. Do u think u don't have any needs?
3. Are u carrying guilt, shame or blame from the past that is wearing away ur self esteem?
4. Do u have an underlying dislike or hatred of urself?
5. Do u spend ur time helping others but refusing help urself?
6. Are u critical of urself?
7. Do u constantly put urself down?
8. Is someone else wearing away at u, corroding ur sense of worth?
9. Have u lost ur ability to discriminate?
10. Do u let someone else determine what u think or feel?
Soul
When I read this, I suddenly moved at "do u constantly put urself down?"
"do you feel u r not valid".
"do u think u don't have any needs?"
When Z wanted to break off with me on mid July cos he said I don't feel secure with him financially, I was sad. I said I m ok if he reject me because of another gal, but not him feeling down.
I couldn't let him go feeling down about himself. I literally beg to be in. And he came back.
Now he reject me with another gal, I can accept. But I m hurt that he wasn't open with me that he had moved on, while I m still in love with him, missing him eventhough I broke it off in mid Sept. Even after I broke off, I make sure I still keep in touch, don't want to feel bad I ran off, just like his ex-wife.
Father, why I don't valued myself? Why I tot Z shouldn't feel 'small' while I can. What make me think I don't have feelings, don't have needs.
I m crying loads when I write this. I really don't cherish myself.
How can I expect others to cherish me.
I used to complain to Z that I m not his priority list. Actually my real complaint is that he doesn't cherish me. And I allow it to continues, giving him and myself excuses on why I m not priority. The truth is he doesn't love me and so he can't cherish me.
And perhaps deep down I too doesn't love myself as I don't treasure myself in romantic rship. I give out in terms of tolerance and empathy but to Z, that is not valid.
No wonder P said I m egoless in romantic rship. But outside romantic rship, my ego works fine, so fine that others think I m self centred, protect myself well in work and with friends. Now I see the imbalance.
I always have negative tot of myself whenever I couldn't get a response from Z. I always believed he would reject me. That's what caused me to ask for the few break ups. But it always turns out to be untrue and I slowly gain confidence and have faith in my lovability.
But it was destroyed by his final rejection. He got himself in marriage without any advance notice to me.
And here I still have hopeless tot on him. Its because I don't want to feel sad, don't want to feel my unlovability.
I didn't even tot Z was unfair to me. I just tot he can't confront, so didn't tell me. Or he tot I no longer love him since I was the one who broke it off. He just switched me off, after nearly 2 years.
Father, I m angry with myself. How can I not cherish myself, why give others empathy and none for myself. Why be fair to others, but not to myself. Of all people, I should need the most tender loving care.
I m my own enemy in romantic rship. I lower my standards, I accepts substandard care. I truly didn't cherish myself. Only when u hit my tolerance level, then I break.
I loved A because he was the first person I opened up my mind on my past.
I loved Z because he was the first person I opened up my body. He broke my heart, but I found my heart. Z doesn't like to express emotions, he runs away and he doesn't like me to express too, so I kept it.
Maybe, the next one, is the one I will open up my heart, my emotions.
Deb Shapiro
If the immune system is overactive against internal antigen, then it can start destroying the body, as in autoimmune diseases; if it is underactive, then abnormal body cells will develop, as in cancer.
Autoimmune disorder
U need to ask urself how u have become an enemy to urself and/or to what extent u allow others to influence u, in denial of ur own tots or feelings.
1. Do u feel if u r not really valid?
2. Do u think u don't have any needs?
3. Are u carrying guilt, shame or blame from the past that is wearing away ur self esteem?
4. Do u have an underlying dislike or hatred of urself?
5. Do u spend ur time helping others but refusing help urself?
6. Are u critical of urself?
7. Do u constantly put urself down?
8. Is someone else wearing away at u, corroding ur sense of worth?
9. Have u lost ur ability to discriminate?
10. Do u let someone else determine what u think or feel?
Soul
When I read this, I suddenly moved at "do u constantly put urself down?"
"do you feel u r not valid".
"do u think u don't have any needs?"
When Z wanted to break off with me on mid July cos he said I don't feel secure with him financially, I was sad. I said I m ok if he reject me because of another gal, but not him feeling down.
I couldn't let him go feeling down about himself. I literally beg to be in. And he came back.
Now he reject me with another gal, I can accept. But I m hurt that he wasn't open with me that he had moved on, while I m still in love with him, missing him eventhough I broke it off in mid Sept. Even after I broke off, I make sure I still keep in touch, don't want to feel bad I ran off, just like his ex-wife.
Father, why I don't valued myself? Why I tot Z shouldn't feel 'small' while I can. What make me think I don't have feelings, don't have needs.
I m crying loads when I write this. I really don't cherish myself.
How can I expect others to cherish me.
I used to complain to Z that I m not his priority list. Actually my real complaint is that he doesn't cherish me. And I allow it to continues, giving him and myself excuses on why I m not priority. The truth is he doesn't love me and so he can't cherish me.
And perhaps deep down I too doesn't love myself as I don't treasure myself in romantic rship. I give out in terms of tolerance and empathy but to Z, that is not valid.
No wonder P said I m egoless in romantic rship. But outside romantic rship, my ego works fine, so fine that others think I m self centred, protect myself well in work and with friends. Now I see the imbalance.
I always have negative tot of myself whenever I couldn't get a response from Z. I always believed he would reject me. That's what caused me to ask for the few break ups. But it always turns out to be untrue and I slowly gain confidence and have faith in my lovability.
But it was destroyed by his final rejection. He got himself in marriage without any advance notice to me.
And here I still have hopeless tot on him. Its because I don't want to feel sad, don't want to feel my unlovability.
I didn't even tot Z was unfair to me. I just tot he can't confront, so didn't tell me. Or he tot I no longer love him since I was the one who broke it off. He just switched me off, after nearly 2 years.
Father, I m angry with myself. How can I not cherish myself, why give others empathy and none for myself. Why be fair to others, but not to myself. Of all people, I should need the most tender loving care.
I m my own enemy in romantic rship. I lower my standards, I accepts substandard care. I truly didn't cherish myself. Only when u hit my tolerance level, then I break.
I loved A because he was the first person I opened up my mind on my past.
I loved Z because he was the first person I opened up my body. He broke my heart, but I found my heart. Z doesn't like to express emotions, he runs away and he doesn't like me to express too, so I kept it.
Maybe, the next one, is the one I will open up my heart, my emotions.
Sadness is coming out again
Jan 9 Eve
Did evening Shoonya and Samyama. I cried during Samyama. Z should have told me during our call before my trip to Ashram. At least, I can release my sadness there. Didn't have to get my hopes up and then smashed to pieces by his marriage date.
Later, I calmed down and peace settled in me. I said moved on and visualised a new boyfriend and I doing our practices, going to spiritual places, he takes care of me during our kailash trip. We shared our readings, enjoyed our love making. He had a double storey house, with a guru pooja room and I went there for practices. This is a follow up from my wish in yesterday Kapalvriksha meditation.
Now watching television, saw the big bikes. Suddenly tot of Z and his wish to have fun. Instead, he now get married and settled into family life. Aiyah, maybe it is just me reminiscent him. His dream is family with children. My dream is self mastery via yoga practices and self contemplation.
I m glad I have V and S concerned about me. This Saturday meeting J. He normally able to comfort me.
Deb Shapiro
The stress response system begins in the limbic systems in the brain that deals with emotions and feelings. This area also monitors the nervous system, the digestion, heart rate, blood pressure and respiration. The red alert causes the release of adrenaline, cortisol, and other hormones that affect these systems. The hormones shut down the digestive system (to conserve energy), increase the heart rate (to increase energy), suppress the sensation of feeling (so u can be hurt and still keep fighting or running) and increase the rate of breathing.
Soul
No wonder I can sense my heart beat.
Deb Shapiro
The greatest lesson u can learn from being stressed is that u can work with ur stress response and develop a higher level of adaptability by changing ur perception of urself. U can change ur beliefs! A greater belief in urself, ur capability and a greater sense of humour so u don't take everything - including urself.
Soul
In my case, my stress is in romantic rship. I must have a greater belief in my lovability and in my heart.
Yea, I m a lovely person and there is no more sexual hang up from the past. Z had helped me in that.
This setback with Z is painful, but I have found my heart and I m in new beginning.
Did evening Shoonya and Samyama. I cried during Samyama. Z should have told me during our call before my trip to Ashram. At least, I can release my sadness there. Didn't have to get my hopes up and then smashed to pieces by his marriage date.
Later, I calmed down and peace settled in me. I said moved on and visualised a new boyfriend and I doing our practices, going to spiritual places, he takes care of me during our kailash trip. We shared our readings, enjoyed our love making. He had a double storey house, with a guru pooja room and I went there for practices. This is a follow up from my wish in yesterday Kapalvriksha meditation.
Now watching television, saw the big bikes. Suddenly tot of Z and his wish to have fun. Instead, he now get married and settled into family life. Aiyah, maybe it is just me reminiscent him. His dream is family with children. My dream is self mastery via yoga practices and self contemplation.
I m glad I have V and S concerned about me. This Saturday meeting J. He normally able to comfort me.
Deb Shapiro
The stress response system begins in the limbic systems in the brain that deals with emotions and feelings. This area also monitors the nervous system, the digestion, heart rate, blood pressure and respiration. The red alert causes the release of adrenaline, cortisol, and other hormones that affect these systems. The hormones shut down the digestive system (to conserve energy), increase the heart rate (to increase energy), suppress the sensation of feeling (so u can be hurt and still keep fighting or running) and increase the rate of breathing.
Soul
No wonder I can sense my heart beat.
Deb Shapiro
The greatest lesson u can learn from being stressed is that u can work with ur stress response and develop a higher level of adaptability by changing ur perception of urself. U can change ur beliefs! A greater belief in urself, ur capability and a greater sense of humour so u don't take everything - including urself.
Soul
In my case, my stress is in romantic rship. I must have a greater belief in my lovability and in my heart.
Yea, I m a lovely person and there is no more sexual hang up from the past. Z had helped me in that.
This setback with Z is painful, but I have found my heart and I m in new beginning.
Sadness is coming out...
Jan 9
Woke up at alarm at 7am but body felt tired and so doze and woke up at 7.16 am.
Did suria namaskara and it was quite effortless. Had some tots of Z and office. Shakti and Shambavi was fine.
Father, I cried during aum chanting in Shambhavi. Same thing happen yesterday.
Finally sadness come out, I can feel it and I think my face and body shows it. Tears just at the brink. But I hold it back cos now in Cafe.
Had to check my tarot and got this Osho Healing Card.
Healing
It is time when deeply buried wounds of the past are coming to the surface and ready to be healed.
We are no longer hiding from ourselves and others. In this attitude of openness and acceptance we can be healed.
Nine of Clubs - today
This card literally means completion of plans or ideas. When this card appears, it signal a time when some ideas, ways of thinking or communicating or some personal plans of yours are ready to end.
If you choose to resist this ending, u will experience great disappointment, stubbornly holding on to things, ideas or plans that are no longer useful or helpful to u. If it seems that things are going against u when this card present, it is probably because u r resisting letting go of something, that in reality, is no longer doing u any good.
Soul
Father, thank u for both messages. You always come thru. Amen.
Just update my blog for jan 8 and saw this by Deb Shapiro
Change is the essence of all life. But when it is resisted, it brings uncertainty and doubt. If that uncertainty is resisted, it brings fear. If it is embraced, it brings security and fearlessness in deeper acceptance that nothing can be held onto, as all things are constantly changing.
Soul
This is the key to unravel my Jupiter's Seven of Diamonds.
Woke up at alarm at 7am but body felt tired and so doze and woke up at 7.16 am.
Did suria namaskara and it was quite effortless. Had some tots of Z and office. Shakti and Shambavi was fine.
Father, I cried during aum chanting in Shambhavi. Same thing happen yesterday.
Finally sadness come out, I can feel it and I think my face and body shows it. Tears just at the brink. But I hold it back cos now in Cafe.
Had to check my tarot and got this Osho Healing Card.
Healing
It is time when deeply buried wounds of the past are coming to the surface and ready to be healed.
We are no longer hiding from ourselves and others. In this attitude of openness and acceptance we can be healed.
Nine of Clubs - today
This card literally means completion of plans or ideas. When this card appears, it signal a time when some ideas, ways of thinking or communicating or some personal plans of yours are ready to end.
If you choose to resist this ending, u will experience great disappointment, stubbornly holding on to things, ideas or plans that are no longer useful or helpful to u. If it seems that things are going against u when this card present, it is probably because u r resisting letting go of something, that in reality, is no longer doing u any good.
Soul
Father, thank u for both messages. You always come thru. Amen.
Just update my blog for jan 8 and saw this by Deb Shapiro
Change is the essence of all life. But when it is resisted, it brings uncertainty and doubt. If that uncertainty is resisted, it brings fear. If it is embraced, it brings security and fearlessness in deeper acceptance that nothing can be held onto, as all things are constantly changing.
Soul
This is the key to unravel my Jupiter's Seven of Diamonds.
Feeling uncertain..refers to 7thunders cards
Jan 8 Eve 1
I wonder what is mine for next 5 months (Feb to Jun). In times of uncertainty, I like a glimpse of my future as I am feeling lost. Nothing to hold on to. Z is no more.
Destiny Cards
1. Saturn in Seven of Clubs, but I have Four of Hearts as second card.
Think this is feeling pessimism on romantic rship. But I will aim for spiritual elevation and hope for best.
2. Five of Diamond in Uranus and second card is Queen of Spades.
Unexpected change in my quest for Self-mastery
3. Queen of Spades in Neptune.
Dream of self-mastery
Ruling Cards
1. Seven of Diamonds in Saturn, followed by Jack of Diamonds. Mmm, looks like Z, my cosmic lesson is still with me till 19 March 2013. Perhaps I was still holding on till his birthday on 1 April 2013. I checked his message again. He said his marriage is fixed on 14 Jul 2013. Father, let me wake up n remind myself of my flawed perception. . Need to keep that msg as reminder since I lacked clarity.
2. Seven of Clubs in Uranus, followed by Five of Diamonds.
Unexpected hike (positive or negative) on changes in values
3. Five of Diamonds in Neptune.
Changes in values
Displacement from age 42 to 48
Six of spades.
Underlying theme is that of finding your true purpose in life. You will get some opportunities to fine tune ur direction in life and have the chance to discard any activities that are not contributing to u achieving ur heart-felt goals and desires.
Regardless of ur personal situation, destined events are very likely to occur this period, one that will change the course of ur life in a significant way. As all of this is going on, practice fairness in all ur dealings and u will be directed to the right path for u and ur fulfilment.
Soul
I was 'changed' in terms of career as I am now on 3 days week. Work no longer defines me, it is not longer my valuation mode. But I have transferred the valuation to Z..
But now Z is already taken away.
Both was taken away.
I wonder what is mine for next 5 months (Feb to Jun). In times of uncertainty, I like a glimpse of my future as I am feeling lost. Nothing to hold on to. Z is no more.
Destiny Cards
1. Saturn in Seven of Clubs, but I have Four of Hearts as second card.
Think this is feeling pessimism on romantic rship. But I will aim for spiritual elevation and hope for best.
2. Five of Diamond in Uranus and second card is Queen of Spades.
Unexpected change in my quest for Self-mastery
3. Queen of Spades in Neptune.
Dream of self-mastery
Ruling Cards
1. Seven of Diamonds in Saturn, followed by Jack of Diamonds. Mmm, looks like Z, my cosmic lesson is still with me till 19 March 2013. Perhaps I was still holding on till his birthday on 1 April 2013. I checked his message again. He said his marriage is fixed on 14 Jul 2013. Father, let me wake up n remind myself of my flawed perception. . Need to keep that msg as reminder since I lacked clarity.
2. Seven of Clubs in Uranus, followed by Five of Diamonds.
Unexpected hike (positive or negative) on changes in values
3. Five of Diamonds in Neptune.
Changes in values
Displacement from age 42 to 48
Six of spades.
Underlying theme is that of finding your true purpose in life. You will get some opportunities to fine tune ur direction in life and have the chance to discard any activities that are not contributing to u achieving ur heart-felt goals and desires.
Regardless of ur personal situation, destined events are very likely to occur this period, one that will change the course of ur life in a significant way. As all of this is going on, practice fairness in all ur dealings and u will be directed to the right path for u and ur fulfilment.
Soul
I was 'changed' in terms of career as I am now on 3 days week. Work no longer defines me, it is not longer my valuation mode. But I have transferred the valuation to Z..
But now Z is already taken away.
Both was taken away.
Fear of sadness...make me avoid reality
Jan 8 Eve
Father, I just cried in my car after I re-read Z's message of his fixed marriage date.
I then knew why my mind keep on creating tots that he be back and this is just a test. I m afraid to be sad, so my mind create illusory happy tots instead. No wonder Sadhguru said, if u r identified with an idea, perception is not clear, as it is tinted with what we want. Since I want him and I m afraid of sadness, I delude myself with a wrong perception.
P was right, he never intends to marry me. It was me one sided. Z did try to correct me In the beginning but give up half way so I continues with the play.
And my perception that we had a true friendship is also unreal. He was not open with me. He was not truthful to me.
My dream is self mastery via spiritual mode. So, best partner is one that is doing Isha practices and is rich enough to have a nice guru pooja room to have Sadhguru's padam and linga bhairavi's too. I love to have a weekly sathsang.
Did Shoonya followed by Kapalvriksha. I went in deep during Shoonya, a deep silence.
I didn't cry. When I went into Kapalvriksha, I cried when I visualised Sadhguru, I asked him to help me, to heal me. I felt better after the release. For some moments, had tots of E, which I waived, some vengeful tots on Z, which I waived too as I don't wish him bad. I know we both will be fine after the separation.
First wish, to be healed and be with a partner that practices yoga, he has a nice pooja room, we travel to spiritual place like Kailash
Second wish is to be a famous author
Third wish is to have enough money to help people in need of financials and people in need of spiritual well being.
Amen.
Father, I just cried in my car after I re-read Z's message of his fixed marriage date.
I then knew why my mind keep on creating tots that he be back and this is just a test. I m afraid to be sad, so my mind create illusory happy tots instead. No wonder Sadhguru said, if u r identified with an idea, perception is not clear, as it is tinted with what we want. Since I want him and I m afraid of sadness, I delude myself with a wrong perception.
P was right, he never intends to marry me. It was me one sided. Z did try to correct me In the beginning but give up half way so I continues with the play.
And my perception that we had a true friendship is also unreal. He was not open with me. He was not truthful to me.
My dream is self mastery via spiritual mode. So, best partner is one that is doing Isha practices and is rich enough to have a nice guru pooja room to have Sadhguru's padam and linga bhairavi's too. I love to have a weekly sathsang.
Did Shoonya followed by Kapalvriksha. I went in deep during Shoonya, a deep silence.
I didn't cry. When I went into Kapalvriksha, I cried when I visualised Sadhguru, I asked him to help me, to heal me. I felt better after the release. For some moments, had tots of E, which I waived, some vengeful tots on Z, which I waived too as I don't wish him bad. I know we both will be fine after the separation.
First wish, to be healed and be with a partner that practices yoga, he has a nice pooja room, we travel to spiritual place like Kailash
Second wish is to be a famous author
Third wish is to have enough money to help people in need of financials and people in need of spiritual well being.
Amen.
A new beginnng with my Heart
Jan 8
Father, thank u so much for answering my call.
Today woke up at 4.30 am when alarm rang. I was feeling bit tired cos slept after 11 plus yesterday. I couldn't sleep immediately, so I focus on my breathe and within minutes, I slept. I was tired with all the crying.
Did my asanas, breathing, shakti and shambhavi. I had some tots of Z and office matters. surprisingly happy tots of future with Z, I snapped it off cos Z is getting married to someone else. Then sad tots of him. I just continues with my practices.
When I did aum chanting, suddenly I cried, I told Z he hurt me, I m hurting terribly, I won't pretend.
When I was having my quiet time, suddenly an exhale came and I start to cry out loud for 2 times.
When I m done, I was laughing and Z was still in my prayer of thanks.
I felt renewed and know today is my new beginning with my heart in place. I now knew why I don't display the normal characteristic of Cancer zodiac as my heart is locked. Thanks to Dhynalinga, my heart is finally released.
It may be broken but it can healed and be whole again. I am no longer afraid of tears, they are healing.
1. Issue
Integration
We are the union of eagle and swan; male and female, fire and water, life and death. The card of integration is the symbol of self-creation, new life, and mystical union; otherwise known as alchemy.
Soul
Perfect. My heart is now with me. A new beginning. I was living as an eagle and now the swan is out. No wonder I felt such love, I can see the loveliness of me, the beauty of myself. A grace to the world.
2. Internal influence
Ice-olation
We may have felt that the only way to survive is to close off our feelings and emotions so we can't be hurt again. If our pain is particularly deep, we might even hide it from ourselves. This can make us frozen, rigid.
The tears, only the tears have the power to melt the ice. It is ok to cry, and there is no reason to feel ashamed of ur tears. Crying helps us to let go of the pain, allow us to be gentle with ourselves, and finally helps us to heal.
Soul
Father, yes, finally can let go and cry whenever I m sad.
Yes, it was easier for me to switch off, but I got numbness on my hand and long term impact is RA. I will be my friend, not my enemy. I allowed myself to cry with gratefully instead of seeing myself as weak.
3. External influence
Healing
Be aware of ur wounds. Don't help it to grow. Let it be healed.
The figure in this card is now naked, vulnerable, open to the loving touch of existence. The aura around his body is full of light, and the quality of relaxation, caring and love that surrounds him is dissolving his struggle and suffering.
We can be healed.
Soul
Amen
4. What is needed for resolution?
The Source
We tap the source not by thinking or planning but by getting grounded, centered and silent enough to be in contact with the Source.
Soul
I know.
5. Resolution
Fighting
By covering our wounds with armour, we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others, we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.
Stop fighting. Much love is available to you if u just let it in. Start by forgiving urself. U r worth it.
Soul
Fighting has stopped. I was fighting with myself. Eagle try to suppresed the swan. Both are needed.
Yes, shame on Z for being back handed. My love is pure and unconditional.
Six of Diamonds
This is a powerful stabilising card resulting in some sort of settling of accounts.
Soul
Yes.
Father, thank u so much for answering my call.
Today woke up at 4.30 am when alarm rang. I was feeling bit tired cos slept after 11 plus yesterday. I couldn't sleep immediately, so I focus on my breathe and within minutes, I slept. I was tired with all the crying.
Did my asanas, breathing, shakti and shambhavi. I had some tots of Z and office matters. surprisingly happy tots of future with Z, I snapped it off cos Z is getting married to someone else. Then sad tots of him. I just continues with my practices.
When I did aum chanting, suddenly I cried, I told Z he hurt me, I m hurting terribly, I won't pretend.
When I was having my quiet time, suddenly an exhale came and I start to cry out loud for 2 times.
When I m done, I was laughing and Z was still in my prayer of thanks.
I felt renewed and know today is my new beginning with my heart in place. I now knew why I don't display the normal characteristic of Cancer zodiac as my heart is locked. Thanks to Dhynalinga, my heart is finally released.
It may be broken but it can healed and be whole again. I am no longer afraid of tears, they are healing.
1. Issue
Integration
We are the union of eagle and swan; male and female, fire and water, life and death. The card of integration is the symbol of self-creation, new life, and mystical union; otherwise known as alchemy.
Soul
Perfect. My heart is now with me. A new beginning. I was living as an eagle and now the swan is out. No wonder I felt such love, I can see the loveliness of me, the beauty of myself. A grace to the world.
2. Internal influence
Ice-olation
We may have felt that the only way to survive is to close off our feelings and emotions so we can't be hurt again. If our pain is particularly deep, we might even hide it from ourselves. This can make us frozen, rigid.
The tears, only the tears have the power to melt the ice. It is ok to cry, and there is no reason to feel ashamed of ur tears. Crying helps us to let go of the pain, allow us to be gentle with ourselves, and finally helps us to heal.
Soul
Father, yes, finally can let go and cry whenever I m sad.
Yes, it was easier for me to switch off, but I got numbness on my hand and long term impact is RA. I will be my friend, not my enemy. I allowed myself to cry with gratefully instead of seeing myself as weak.
3. External influence
Healing
Be aware of ur wounds. Don't help it to grow. Let it be healed.
The figure in this card is now naked, vulnerable, open to the loving touch of existence. The aura around his body is full of light, and the quality of relaxation, caring and love that surrounds him is dissolving his struggle and suffering.
We can be healed.
Soul
Amen
4. What is needed for resolution?
The Source
We tap the source not by thinking or planning but by getting grounded, centered and silent enough to be in contact with the Source.
Soul
I know.
5. Resolution
Fighting
By covering our wounds with armour, we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others, we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.
Stop fighting. Much love is available to you if u just let it in. Start by forgiving urself. U r worth it.
Soul
Fighting has stopped. I was fighting with myself. Eagle try to suppresed the swan. Both are needed.
Yes, shame on Z for being back handed. My love is pure and unconditional.
Six of Diamonds
This is a powerful stabilising card resulting in some sort of settling of accounts.
Soul
Yes.
My heart is broken, but I found my heart
Jan 7 Eve
I cried on my way home. My heart felt painful similar pain during melt down at Dhynalinga. Then a tot came, but u found ur heart.
Yes, my heart may be broken buy I found it. And I know it will heal. Alas, I saw the beautiful, courageous gal who is pure in her loving.
Shame on Z for not being truthful when he has already found another. If I had not pressed, he would have still kept it from me. And if it not true, then he doesn't deserve my love. He couldn't overcome his own challenge.
I felt love for myself. I am truly lovable. It is Z's loss, not mine. Amazingly beautiful. After the tears, I was laughing.
My eyes is painful from so much crying. Now eyes bit blur when I m typing. I be fine, let me heal my RA. I felt this is a new beginning for me, living with my heart instead of mind.
I also had a tot, since my dream is self-mastery and not love, means I already got love, I just need to unravel it. I found my heart and I finally feel love for myself. Others always say I m self centred, I seem to put myself first. But it is just surface cos I was just projecting an image. Alas, I truly love myself. Amen.
From happy to sad to joy
From self centred to self enemy to self love. Amen.
Osho
When u feel happiness from music, it is actually coming from within u: it is ur own juices that u r drinking. When u get pleasure from making love, this pleasure is coming from within u: u r savouring ur own juices.
Whenever u have found happiness ...perhaps u were in the Himalayas, looking at the lofty snow covered peaks, and u were overwhelmed, speechless, and an exclamation of joy suddenly arose. The peace, the silence, the presence of the unprecedented beauty of the Himalayas freed u for a moment from ur mad race for self-gratification. Once that desire has been broken, once ur mind stops its activities for even one moment, the juices flow from u
Soul
Father, I experience bliss and joy when Z and I make love. But I knew he doesn't reach my depth. So, this could be right, it from me, not Z.
Father, Thank You so much.
Again, perfect timing. I read this book of Daya and then stop about a month ago for Christ Returns and The fall of human intellect and now continues back a few dsys ago and here I am, perfect message for me today.
Could hear P said I told u so, Z was never interested in marrying you. Both of u has different view on marriage. Also tot of Z sharing about me with his future wife Well, I will just ignored these tots since I can choose happy tots.
Osho
The mind stops the flow of ur juices. The mind is always interested in the other. Whenever the mind stops, ur interest in other disappears and u immediately fall back to ur own original source. And the stream of juices is there. Raso vai sah - in the divine is rasa, the juice.
We are all made of rasa; rasa is our self nature. Once we begin to recognise ourselves, there will be nothing but happiness.
I cried on my way home. My heart felt painful similar pain during melt down at Dhynalinga. Then a tot came, but u found ur heart.
Yes, my heart may be broken buy I found it. And I know it will heal. Alas, I saw the beautiful, courageous gal who is pure in her loving.
Shame on Z for not being truthful when he has already found another. If I had not pressed, he would have still kept it from me. And if it not true, then he doesn't deserve my love. He couldn't overcome his own challenge.
I felt love for myself. I am truly lovable. It is Z's loss, not mine. Amazingly beautiful. After the tears, I was laughing.
My eyes is painful from so much crying. Now eyes bit blur when I m typing. I be fine, let me heal my RA. I felt this is a new beginning for me, living with my heart instead of mind.
I also had a tot, since my dream is self-mastery and not love, means I already got love, I just need to unravel it. I found my heart and I finally feel love for myself. Others always say I m self centred, I seem to put myself first. But it is just surface cos I was just projecting an image. Alas, I truly love myself. Amen.
From happy to sad to joy
From self centred to self enemy to self love. Amen.
Osho
When u feel happiness from music, it is actually coming from within u: it is ur own juices that u r drinking. When u get pleasure from making love, this pleasure is coming from within u: u r savouring ur own juices.
Whenever u have found happiness ...perhaps u were in the Himalayas, looking at the lofty snow covered peaks, and u were overwhelmed, speechless, and an exclamation of joy suddenly arose. The peace, the silence, the presence of the unprecedented beauty of the Himalayas freed u for a moment from ur mad race for self-gratification. Once that desire has been broken, once ur mind stops its activities for even one moment, the juices flow from u
Soul
Father, I experience bliss and joy when Z and I make love. But I knew he doesn't reach my depth. So, this could be right, it from me, not Z.
Father, Thank You so much.
Again, perfect timing. I read this book of Daya and then stop about a month ago for Christ Returns and The fall of human intellect and now continues back a few dsys ago and here I am, perfect message for me today.
Could hear P said I told u so, Z was never interested in marrying you. Both of u has different view on marriage. Also tot of Z sharing about me with his future wife Well, I will just ignored these tots since I can choose happy tots.
Osho
The mind stops the flow of ur juices. The mind is always interested in the other. Whenever the mind stops, ur interest in other disappears and u immediately fall back to ur own original source. And the stream of juices is there. Raso vai sah - in the divine is rasa, the juice.
We are all made of rasa; rasa is our self nature. Once we begin to recognise ourselves, there will be nothing but happiness.
Z is getting married to someone else
Jan 7 Aft
Z responded with his marriage date on 14 July.
I was sad and I told him that he went behind my back and made plans without me.
Then mind went on spiral negative and tot of him with his wife of heart cards and him having four of spades from April onwards. Getting even sadder, then I stop myself. Why I always imagined good future for others, why can't I imagined I met my own dream partner next month? Then a tot came, he may have his Queen of Hearts in neptune this March but I also have queen of spades in neptune in June this year. So, why don't I imagined myself fulfilling my dreams and be happy instead of imagining sad things about Z and be sad.
Amazingly elbow pain is gone. I can vouch that from today onwards I will be happy regardless of externals. I will be a friend to myself, lift myself up instead of pulling myself down.
Four of diamonds
A solid sense of what we values. We gotten clear what we want and then we get it.
Soul
I m feeling better now. Glad I cried some on the way back. From now on, expressed myself. Otherwise pain will come.
Deb Shapiro
Movement is essential, especially going with the flow and allowing change to happen. Life is movement, so the more stuck u are, the more lifeless u may become. However, most important is finding your heart, and expressing it, sharing your love, and in this way becoming your own best friend.
Soul
There was an outrageous tot that Z just want to run and created the marriage date.
I still love him and hope for a miracle. But I won't make myself sad. I cannot yet visualise myself with a new partner but I can visualised myself happily alone.
No regrets in sending him the message. I must expressed my heart.
I finally told him that I was open to having a child with him. And I m sad he wasn't open with me. Ah ah, finally all is out. Whatever needed to be said is done. I have expressed all in my heart. My wishes, my sacrifice, my sadness that he was not true and open with me.
Father, this is a big breakthru for me. I have wondered what other development that I can have. Alas I finally found the root cause of my RA. Hiding my heart.
Not sure about self mastery but I know I can cure my RA.
Deb Shapiro
Numbness is due to damaged nerves or distorted messages from the brain and implies a withdrawal of feelings from a particular area.
This may be feelings is too intense to deal with, or too strong to release, and suggests that not feeling anything or a lack of participation.
Is there someone or something u don't want to feel?
What part are u pushing away?
Are those feelings u have withdrawn from inside yourself?
What needs to happen for u to be able to accept that part of u, to bring it back to life.
Soul
No wonder, my fingers were numb for the past few months, especially between mid Sept till mid Dec, I was suppresing my feelings on z.
No wonder, I was pushing away my heart. Now I knew why such pain in the heart area during meltdown in Dhynalinga.
Z responded with his marriage date on 14 July.
I was sad and I told him that he went behind my back and made plans without me.
Then mind went on spiral negative and tot of him with his wife of heart cards and him having four of spades from April onwards. Getting even sadder, then I stop myself. Why I always imagined good future for others, why can't I imagined I met my own dream partner next month? Then a tot came, he may have his Queen of Hearts in neptune this March but I also have queen of spades in neptune in June this year. So, why don't I imagined myself fulfilling my dreams and be happy instead of imagining sad things about Z and be sad.
Amazingly elbow pain is gone. I can vouch that from today onwards I will be happy regardless of externals. I will be a friend to myself, lift myself up instead of pulling myself down.
Four of diamonds
A solid sense of what we values. We gotten clear what we want and then we get it.
Soul
I m feeling better now. Glad I cried some on the way back. From now on, expressed myself. Otherwise pain will come.
Deb Shapiro
Movement is essential, especially going with the flow and allowing change to happen. Life is movement, so the more stuck u are, the more lifeless u may become. However, most important is finding your heart, and expressing it, sharing your love, and in this way becoming your own best friend.
Soul
There was an outrageous tot that Z just want to run and created the marriage date.
I still love him and hope for a miracle. But I won't make myself sad. I cannot yet visualise myself with a new partner but I can visualised myself happily alone.
No regrets in sending him the message. I must expressed my heart.
I finally told him that I was open to having a child with him. And I m sad he wasn't open with me. Ah ah, finally all is out. Whatever needed to be said is done. I have expressed all in my heart. My wishes, my sacrifice, my sadness that he was not true and open with me.
Father, this is a big breakthru for me. I have wondered what other development that I can have. Alas I finally found the root cause of my RA. Hiding my heart.
Not sure about self mastery but I know I can cure my RA.
Deb Shapiro
Numbness is due to damaged nerves or distorted messages from the brain and implies a withdrawal of feelings from a particular area.
This may be feelings is too intense to deal with, or too strong to release, and suggests that not feeling anything or a lack of participation.
Is there someone or something u don't want to feel?
What part are u pushing away?
Are those feelings u have withdrawn from inside yourself?
What needs to happen for u to be able to accept that part of u, to bring it back to life.
Soul
No wonder, my fingers were numb for the past few months, especially between mid Sept till mid Dec, I was suppresing my feelings on z.
No wonder, I was pushing away my heart. Now I knew why such pain in the heart area during meltdown in Dhynalinga.
Bodymind - inflammation
Jan 7
Father, I couldn't sleep immediately yday. I tossed bit, worried about today meeting and some about Z. After 15 minutes of tossing, I focus on my breathe and promptly fell asleep.
I woke up before alarm rang, with a dream. Got some resistance and I m glad I now take shower first. So, had shower and do suria namaskara. It was quite good, got both palms flat on the ground and able to lift head last. Breathing meditation was good and I saw violet flame. Shakti and Shambavi were good too. Head was shaking loads during Shambhavi and one time during Shakti. Ended with loads of laughter, like last Saturday, which is not common.
Deb Shapiro
The most common difficulty with joints is inflammation, indicating hot and angry feelings trying to find expression.
It indicates a resistance or conflict with what is happening, a build up of angry or irritable emotions, or an inability to say what u really want to.
1. What is making you so sore or inflamed?
2. What is making u feel so hot or fired inside?
3. What is so irritating that it is restricting your expression?
When the joints are sore or inflamed, then the feelings being expressed are often critical, irritated or inflexible ones, so u need to release the cause of those feelings.
What is needed to loosen the joints? More forgiveness, more acceptance or more love for yourself.
Soul
I was afraid of losing approval and hold back my anger or sadness.
I was afraid to let go of my personality of a high EQ person, fear of losing my stature, fear of losing my valuation, fear of losing approval
I was also afraid to express due to fear of disappointment.
Just like I now want to tell Z of my wishes in kapalvriksha but I m afraid he will reject me outright.
Me, actually I can learn a thing or two from C on rships as she is now holding two. Or perhaps she already dropped one. I think my negative tot on her is due to envious feeling that she always seem to project the right image and keep herself out of reach from others anger, unlike me. When she is around, my valuation dropped and there is possibility of losing my current approval. Father, I m really confused. I seems to slap myself. I want approval and yet don't want to pay the price, resentment sets in and I rebel and give up. But then I missed it. Father, I just send Z my wishes. Not sure how he react but I expressed what I want. Amen. Just accept that I love him and say what I desire.
Father, all my negative tots are very critical, something S would says, such a negative Parent, like my brother. I have grown up disliking authority and hence always avoid or rebel against authority. I tot I m always kind to myself, giving me freedom for everything. Alas, I m extremely judgemental on myself. Very negative, very demoralising. With such negativity, I don't really need enemy.
Father, I felt a sense of relief after telling Z about my wishes.
Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease in which ur immune system attacks the membrane of the joints due to abnormal rheumatiod factor in the blood.
Movement and expression becomes very limited, as the joints become progressively more rigid and painful.
The bodymind symptoms indicate there may be repressed anger.
As the rheumatiod factor is in the blood, this indicates the emotions are very involved here, especially the expression of love. An autoimmune difficulty implies the immune system is attacking u.
(Jan 11 - finally inflammation is now felt in my body. I was so hot for the past few night. Had to take a shower before I sleep)
Soul
For the first time in my life, I felt the immediate negative tots of others rejecting me is really not fair, infact outright nasty. Why I automatically assume people will reject me when I have done nothing wrong, there is nothing to be guilty of.
Actually that's how I tot of my brother whenever he judged me unfairly and unrequisited.
Father, thank u. The chapter on the book is timely.
1. How have u become ur own enemy?
2. Are u denying feelings of love, caring, tenderness and instead becoming overly self critical or judgemental, dismissing those feelings in ur heart as unimportant?
3. Do u feel stuck in a negative or criticising mode?
4. Are u feeling resentful or bitter about somebody
5. Do u lack assertiveness and, feeling inhibited, find yourself unable to express urself in the way u really want to?
6. Are u destroying urself with guilt or shame?
7. Do u have a tendency to undermine urself through criticism or a lack of self respect?
8. Due to condition, arthritis often have clenched fist - indicating desires to hit someone.
9. Is it hate that is replacing love?
Soul
Finally I see all of them.
Father, I couldn't sleep immediately yday. I tossed bit, worried about today meeting and some about Z. After 15 minutes of tossing, I focus on my breathe and promptly fell asleep.
I woke up before alarm rang, with a dream. Got some resistance and I m glad I now take shower first. So, had shower and do suria namaskara. It was quite good, got both palms flat on the ground and able to lift head last. Breathing meditation was good and I saw violet flame. Shakti and Shambavi were good too. Head was shaking loads during Shambhavi and one time during Shakti. Ended with loads of laughter, like last Saturday, which is not common.
Deb Shapiro
The most common difficulty with joints is inflammation, indicating hot and angry feelings trying to find expression.
It indicates a resistance or conflict with what is happening, a build up of angry or irritable emotions, or an inability to say what u really want to.
1. What is making you so sore or inflamed?
2. What is making u feel so hot or fired inside?
3. What is so irritating that it is restricting your expression?
When the joints are sore or inflamed, then the feelings being expressed are often critical, irritated or inflexible ones, so u need to release the cause of those feelings.
What is needed to loosen the joints? More forgiveness, more acceptance or more love for yourself.
Soul
I was afraid of losing approval and hold back my anger or sadness.
I was afraid to let go of my personality of a high EQ person, fear of losing my stature, fear of losing my valuation, fear of losing approval
I was also afraid to express due to fear of disappointment.
Just like I now want to tell Z of my wishes in kapalvriksha but I m afraid he will reject me outright.
Me, actually I can learn a thing or two from C on rships as she is now holding two. Or perhaps she already dropped one. I think my negative tot on her is due to envious feeling that she always seem to project the right image and keep herself out of reach from others anger, unlike me. When she is around, my valuation dropped and there is possibility of losing my current approval. Father, I m really confused. I seems to slap myself. I want approval and yet don't want to pay the price, resentment sets in and I rebel and give up. But then I missed it. Father, I just send Z my wishes. Not sure how he react but I expressed what I want. Amen. Just accept that I love him and say what I desire.
Father, all my negative tots are very critical, something S would says, such a negative Parent, like my brother. I have grown up disliking authority and hence always avoid or rebel against authority. I tot I m always kind to myself, giving me freedom for everything. Alas, I m extremely judgemental on myself. Very negative, very demoralising. With such negativity, I don't really need enemy.
Father, I felt a sense of relief after telling Z about my wishes.
Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease in which ur immune system attacks the membrane of the joints due to abnormal rheumatiod factor in the blood.
Movement and expression becomes very limited, as the joints become progressively more rigid and painful.
The bodymind symptoms indicate there may be repressed anger.
As the rheumatiod factor is in the blood, this indicates the emotions are very involved here, especially the expression of love. An autoimmune difficulty implies the immune system is attacking u.
(Jan 11 - finally inflammation is now felt in my body. I was so hot for the past few night. Had to take a shower before I sleep)
Soul
For the first time in my life, I felt the immediate negative tots of others rejecting me is really not fair, infact outright nasty. Why I automatically assume people will reject me when I have done nothing wrong, there is nothing to be guilty of.
Actually that's how I tot of my brother whenever he judged me unfairly and unrequisited.
Father, thank u. The chapter on the book is timely.
1. How have u become ur own enemy?
2. Are u denying feelings of love, caring, tenderness and instead becoming overly self critical or judgemental, dismissing those feelings in ur heart as unimportant?
3. Do u feel stuck in a negative or criticising mode?
4. Are u feeling resentful or bitter about somebody
5. Do u lack assertiveness and, feeling inhibited, find yourself unable to express urself in the way u really want to?
6. Are u destroying urself with guilt or shame?
7. Do u have a tendency to undermine urself through criticism or a lack of self respect?
8. Due to condition, arthritis often have clenched fist - indicating desires to hit someone.
9. Is it hate that is replacing love?
Soul
Finally I see all of them.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Negative tots on Z
Jan 6 Eve
Father, finally went for massage after a 3 year break. It was not as bad as I expect cos I bought some good oil. My body feels better. Yes, just go for massage when needed especially since Z is not with me now, needed a release. I helped myself today, feels good.
Just now suddenly I couldn't see Z in my What's app, and immediately I tot he blocked me. So, I tot that's the end. But I didn't want to believe it and promptly went to check his status. It looks fine and then I went back to main menu and saw all messages after 27 Dec is gone. So, then I knew it was the system clean up.
Father, I m so negative. Every time I perceived rejection. Why do I always think that? Sadness came in and I felt like crying. I got an overwhelming task in front of me. When I first start with Z, it was the fear of future rejection and now need to do when I had already been rejected. What a tough one! A tot came, then nothing to lose as u already lost it.
I need courage for this. I really need faith.
When I watched leela this morning, I cried cos I have not been celebrating life, I have been avoiding it. I truly needed help to take this journey of faith on Z. Its ok, Sadhguru is with me.
Tot of sending Z my kapalvriksha wishes. But I pulled back, don't want to be so needy, don't want to lose face. He has not response to me yet. I did send him two messages today. This is a breakthru for me. Save it lah.
Osho
As long as u think another person can give u happiness u will receive only hurt. Happiness is ur self nature. If it is possible to obtain happiness, u would have found it by now.
For how many lives, have u held ur begging bowl in front of others and begged? - and u have never bothered to see that they were begging from u too.
This blindness goes very deep. If u had happiness to give to her, would u have asked her for it and vice versa. We only ask for those things that we don't have. We give others what we have; we ask for what we don't have.
Soul
For a moment, I felt down.
But I try to stay true.
Its true I want Z but I want to share with him, a sense of ease. He had worked so hard n its time for rest.
Aiyah, let me have faith.
(Jan 9 - a msg for me...but I ignored it
My dream is self mastery...as I felt I don't own myself. I don't express myself fully...
Z's dream is emotional love...which means he doesn't have love...?? Can he then give me love which I am seeking from him. )
Father, finally went for massage after a 3 year break. It was not as bad as I expect cos I bought some good oil. My body feels better. Yes, just go for massage when needed especially since Z is not with me now, needed a release. I helped myself today, feels good.
Just now suddenly I couldn't see Z in my What's app, and immediately I tot he blocked me. So, I tot that's the end. But I didn't want to believe it and promptly went to check his status. It looks fine and then I went back to main menu and saw all messages after 27 Dec is gone. So, then I knew it was the system clean up.
Father, I m so negative. Every time I perceived rejection. Why do I always think that? Sadness came in and I felt like crying. I got an overwhelming task in front of me. When I first start with Z, it was the fear of future rejection and now need to do when I had already been rejected. What a tough one! A tot came, then nothing to lose as u already lost it.
I need courage for this. I really need faith.
When I watched leela this morning, I cried cos I have not been celebrating life, I have been avoiding it. I truly needed help to take this journey of faith on Z. Its ok, Sadhguru is with me.
Tot of sending Z my kapalvriksha wishes. But I pulled back, don't want to be so needy, don't want to lose face. He has not response to me yet. I did send him two messages today. This is a breakthru for me. Save it lah.
Osho
As long as u think another person can give u happiness u will receive only hurt. Happiness is ur self nature. If it is possible to obtain happiness, u would have found it by now.
For how many lives, have u held ur begging bowl in front of others and begged? - and u have never bothered to see that they were begging from u too.
This blindness goes very deep. If u had happiness to give to her, would u have asked her for it and vice versa. We only ask for those things that we don't have. We give others what we have; we ask for what we don't have.
Soul
For a moment, I felt down.
But I try to stay true.
Its true I want Z but I want to share with him, a sense of ease. He had worked so hard n its time for rest.
Aiyah, let me have faith.
(Jan 9 - a msg for me...but I ignored it
My dream is self mastery...as I felt I don't own myself. I don't express myself fully...
Z's dream is emotional love...which means he doesn't have love...?? Can he then give me love which I am seeking from him. )
Taking a risk in pursuing Z, eventhough it looks futile
Jan 6
I didn't help him to face his challenge to change his mind. I m both his environment and result. I was focused on my sadness, but not taking action.
I didn't help cos I don't want to influence him. I want him to do it on his own. Alas, its because I m afraid to ask for what I want.
It is not too late yet for him to change his mind. Let me be creative. Let me pursue what I want. His card said change of mind, there is such a possibility, there is hope. Let me learn from ex-boss J, who is never afraid to pursue what she wants, even losing her pride, she focused on her goal.
Let me get answer from my card.
Jupiter in Ruling
Three of Spades / Queen of Hearts
This is a time where diversity usually brings many blessings. Success is possible in two areas at once or in business that involve artistic or creative expressions. This is called The Artist Card and thus very favourable for any sort of art or expression of ideas. In Jupiter, it could bring great financial success if channelled into positive creative work.
This influence is actually favourable for many things, such as gambling or short term speculation, if u can handle the risk.
Soul
I am taking a short term gamble on Z for the next 3 months. The only risk is my pride. If I don't try, I already lost him.
Queen of heart
This influence promotes ease, comfort, and pleasure, as well as good mixture of love and money. It also brings a spiritual quality to ur personal rships, causing them to glow with goodness and grace.
Soul
Yes, gambling is in rship with Z.
Jupiter in Destiny
Seven of Diamonds / Three of Hearts
This card here is called The Millionaire Card. It often indicates a great deal of money being spent, but also a lot of money coming in to cover it as well. If u r feeling prosperous during this period, u could attract huge amount of money. Of course, this will not occur if ur prosperous thinking is only masking an inner fear of poverty and limited resources. But the chances are good for overcoming any fears about money and realising the 'Lucky Seven' side of this card.
This card can also means a large financial investment in ur business or occupation for the purposes of expansion.
Whether it is about money, plans to make money, or love, situations will present themselves to test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realising and then releasing our fear, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.
Soul
My investment in web site is taken care of. I m secure in my money.
Now I m going to invest in Z, to feel secure about myself, to ask for what I want.
Three of Hearts
An over abundance of charm and magnetism could lead to social or romantic problems during this period.
On the positive side, this energy is best used for success in social or business situations, as u apply ur charm to groups. The peoples u meet now could be very helpful.
Soul
I can interpret the cards positively. Like Sadhguru says, my tots and imagination is mine to create. And it will also create my world. So, I will create sweet life for myself.
I have started with first kapalvriksha last Friday, will do so again today.
Let me learn to play, without fear of loss.
My 2nd ruling's karma card is ace of hearts, creation of rship. So. I can easily create with Z again.
My 2nd destiny's card is nine of diamond. So, I can easily let go. So, no fear of holding on. There is no fear of suffering nor pain. Let me use my rship skills at work in my romantic rship. I want to activate my femininity.
Sadhguru
Masculine mind wants to conquer, to dominate and so can't be a devotee.
There is misunderstanding on feminine mind due to limitation of physical capabilities.
Feminine and masculinity are both required to make a good life.
Feminine feel fulfilled by giving. Giving is good unless it is misused. When u consciously become a slave, ur ego is dissolved. Even Krishna said he is a slave, willing to live his life for someone else. R
Masculine feel fulfilled by conquering.
Krishna is the way. Leela is the process. Life is celebration, a festival.
Soul
Suddenly I was crying cos I haven't been living that way, except for food.
Then moments later I was laughing loads. I wonder why I never wanted to watch Sadhguru's dvd...they are really good for me as I am receptive towards his energy.
Sadhguru
Krishna is a smiling rogue. People wonder how can he be God's incarnation. Gautama went thru the serious way. After a few days of enlightenment, he asked for food and he is eating joyfully. His disciples left him thinking Gautama had 'fallen' as he now enjoyed food.
But when Krishna on brahmachari, he never complain about food nor his clothes. He went into street begging for 6 years of his life, eventhough he can be a King.
(Jan 9 - It is my fear of sadness and attachment to Z, cloud my perception,..make it flawed. Now thinking it was him changing his mind on the method of wealth creation - stopped going after the potential new biz and focused on his own personal biz which finally make him turnaround. I had previously advised him a few times but he said the potential new biz is the way. Finally he changed his mind and go back to his own business. That is the meaning of Five of Clubs and Queen of Diamonds. This is not me...)
I didn't help him to face his challenge to change his mind. I m both his environment and result. I was focused on my sadness, but not taking action.
I didn't help cos I don't want to influence him. I want him to do it on his own. Alas, its because I m afraid to ask for what I want.
It is not too late yet for him to change his mind. Let me be creative. Let me pursue what I want. His card said change of mind, there is such a possibility, there is hope. Let me learn from ex-boss J, who is never afraid to pursue what she wants, even losing her pride, she focused on her goal.
Let me get answer from my card.
Jupiter in Ruling
Three of Spades / Queen of Hearts
This is a time where diversity usually brings many blessings. Success is possible in two areas at once or in business that involve artistic or creative expressions. This is called The Artist Card and thus very favourable for any sort of art or expression of ideas. In Jupiter, it could bring great financial success if channelled into positive creative work.
This influence is actually favourable for many things, such as gambling or short term speculation, if u can handle the risk.
Soul
I am taking a short term gamble on Z for the next 3 months. The only risk is my pride. If I don't try, I already lost him.
Queen of heart
This influence promotes ease, comfort, and pleasure, as well as good mixture of love and money. It also brings a spiritual quality to ur personal rships, causing them to glow with goodness and grace.
Soul
Yes, gambling is in rship with Z.
Jupiter in Destiny
Seven of Diamonds / Three of Hearts
This card here is called The Millionaire Card. It often indicates a great deal of money being spent, but also a lot of money coming in to cover it as well. If u r feeling prosperous during this period, u could attract huge amount of money. Of course, this will not occur if ur prosperous thinking is only masking an inner fear of poverty and limited resources. But the chances are good for overcoming any fears about money and realising the 'Lucky Seven' side of this card.
This card can also means a large financial investment in ur business or occupation for the purposes of expansion.
Whether it is about money, plans to make money, or love, situations will present themselves to test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realising and then releasing our fear, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.
Soul
My investment in web site is taken care of. I m secure in my money.
Now I m going to invest in Z, to feel secure about myself, to ask for what I want.
Three of Hearts
An over abundance of charm and magnetism could lead to social or romantic problems during this period.
On the positive side, this energy is best used for success in social or business situations, as u apply ur charm to groups. The peoples u meet now could be very helpful.
Soul
I can interpret the cards positively. Like Sadhguru says, my tots and imagination is mine to create. And it will also create my world. So, I will create sweet life for myself.
I have started with first kapalvriksha last Friday, will do so again today.
Let me learn to play, without fear of loss.
My 2nd ruling's karma card is ace of hearts, creation of rship. So. I can easily create with Z again.
My 2nd destiny's card is nine of diamond. So, I can easily let go. So, no fear of holding on. There is no fear of suffering nor pain. Let me use my rship skills at work in my romantic rship. I want to activate my femininity.
Sadhguru
Masculine mind wants to conquer, to dominate and so can't be a devotee.
There is misunderstanding on feminine mind due to limitation of physical capabilities.
Feminine and masculinity are both required to make a good life.
Feminine feel fulfilled by giving. Giving is good unless it is misused. When u consciously become a slave, ur ego is dissolved. Even Krishna said he is a slave, willing to live his life for someone else. R
Masculine feel fulfilled by conquering.
Krishna is the way. Leela is the process. Life is celebration, a festival.
Soul
Suddenly I was crying cos I haven't been living that way, except for food.
Then moments later I was laughing loads. I wonder why I never wanted to watch Sadhguru's dvd...they are really good for me as I am receptive towards his energy.
Sadhguru
Krishna is a smiling rogue. People wonder how can he be God's incarnation. Gautama went thru the serious way. After a few days of enlightenment, he asked for food and he is eating joyfully. His disciples left him thinking Gautama had 'fallen' as he now enjoyed food.
But when Krishna on brahmachari, he never complain about food nor his clothes. He went into street begging for 6 years of his life, eventhough he can be a King.
(Jan 9 - It is my fear of sadness and attachment to Z, cloud my perception,..make it flawed. Now thinking it was him changing his mind on the method of wealth creation - stopped going after the potential new biz and focused on his own personal biz which finally make him turnaround. I had previously advised him a few times but he said the potential new biz is the way. Finally he changed his mind and go back to his own business. That is the meaning of Five of Clubs and Queen of Diamonds. This is not me...)
Facing uncertainty - no response from Z
Jan 5
Mmm, good swim. My breast strokes are getting better. Had bit of laugh at the pool.
Jan 5 Eve
Sadhguru
Ur emotions, ur tots is yours, so it is up to you to make it the way u want to, u can make it sweet.
Soul
Within my heart, I believed Z and I are made for each other, we r so compatible. We always experience joy and bliss when we r together.
Osho
In the relationship of love, u always blame the other if something goes wrong. If something is not happening as it should, the other is responsible. This will destroy the whole possibility of future growth.
Remember: you are always responsible, and change yourself. Drop those qualities which create trouble. Make love a self-transfornation.
Once the possibility is open in u, it will open the other. We create the feeling in the other. When lovers are close, immediately tits go jumping from one to the other.
If u take love as sadhana, don't say the other is wrong. Just try to find out: somewhere, something must be wrong in u, just drop that wrongness. It is going to be difficult as it is against ego. It is going to be difficult because it will hurt ur pride. It is going to be difficult because this will not be dominating, possessing. This will destroy the ego - that's why it is going to be difficult.
Soul
Now I knew why I was disturbed today. After 3 messages, still no response from Z. The old me would have reacted. But I remember my commitment. So, I persevere. I tot just changed, my personality can be changed. Thanks for the msg.
Osho,
But destruction of the ego is the point, the goal. From wherever u like to approach the inner world, - from love, from meditation, from yoga, from prayer - whatsoever the path u choose, the goal is the same: the destruction of the ego, throwing it away.
Soul
Let me persevere.
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