When u r at ease inside, everything outside is acceptable

Oct 5
Yday picnic n games is good. Hurt my feet during tug og war. So did my friend, so wil not think m jinx in games. My feet hurt cos I was wearing d wrong shoes n also I was havin fun.
Main benefits of d yoga meditation is I no longer worry abt office matters. I used to take pride I don't bring my work home. But then that's becos I didn't face work issue and I was emotionally stunted. And now there is so many work issue but m fine.
I m truly happy go lucky. A full cycle.
Reading d sathsang paper helps cos its says that d benefits will come later n hence we have to be very patient. Jus do the kriya with commtiment and love.

Food is love
My good friend says, "You can't make anyone leave, Colleen. In the same way that you can't make anyone stay.They stay or they leave because of decisions they made becos of reasons that have to do with them, not becos of something u do or don't do on a particular day".
Colleen - I didn't believe her.

Soul - in some moments, I saw rship whereby d woman is way below me, nasty even n yet d guy stayed. I tot d guy mus really love her inspite of everything. Me, didn't do anything also people leave, I must really be unlovable. Perhaps its time to reevaluate. Mayb this belief m unlovable is from d childhood days, but now I knew m so lovable that mom can off-load me to neighbour for free. I wan to have new perception of my lovability.

When food is love
There are areas whereby we never were and never will be in control. The areas that hav to do with loving and being loved.
When we become intimate wit someone else, we lose control. We lose control of how long they stay or if they leave, how they feel abt us, how we feel abt things they do or say. We lose control of the effect that loving them has on our lives. We become vulnerable to loss, pain, death.

Soul - that's my issue. Mmm, I used to tot I always be in control n then when faced rship m out. I wonder since things r full cycle, perhaps I be whole that I need not be in control. That's real confidence.

When food is love
Rather than experience the loss of control that loving brings, many of us choose to feel out of control abt something within our control - the food we eat or don't eat.

Soul - that's different from me. I like food cos m in control of what to eat or not eat. I don't have weight problem as I don't overdo wit food. I don't get lost in it. I get lost in reading. Wit food is pleasure n control. Perhaps that why I hold tightly to food. Disallowing anything disagreeable to my taste bud.
On d other hand, food is something that I give to myself - in terms of quality. So that's why I can't compromise. It a measurement of how much I value myself.
Another tot just came. I m finally in control of myself, not let d unconscious rule me. I used to be an internal control freak, using suppression and now I am a truly an internal control being, using awareness n detachment. Alas, mastery instead of controlling. I gone a full cycle. Amen.

The osho card
1.
2. Internal - existence
3. External - awareness
4.
5. Change - external life is forever changing, going up n down. It is d internal life that we need to aware. Internal life once aware - u can be grounded n yet deatched.

When food is love
Everything that we believe we. r not allowed to do in our lives - with people, in our work - we allow ourselves with food.

We take the biggest one, the best for ourselves, we take more than we need, we spend loads of money on food, we don't think about others. We allow ourselves to have exactly what we want. As for the rest of our lives, we are always on a diet of restricted feelings.
Becos at some age, each of us learned that to be loved, we could not reveal ourselves. To be loved, we could not ask for what we wanted.

Soul - so true for me. Whenever m in a rship, I don't dare to ask question abt them cos I also don wan them to know me. Aiyah, isn't this contradicting to me wanting to meet n share my tot. I don't dare to ask for what I want cos I am afraid they ask for what they want and I can't fulfill n that be d end of d rship.
Aiyoh, now only see where I was heading previously. The approach is totally contradicting to what I wan to have and what I can be. Alas, thank God there were no rship n it needed d con man to tell me m not ready then.
A question came, am I ready now? An answer came, when u the rship wil come, u don't hav to control it to bring it to fruition.

When food is love
When we ate, we felt both victorious and desperate - victorious because it was our way, sometimes our only way, of being ourselves, and desperate becos being ourselves seemed to take us further and further away from what we wanted more than anything else - to be loved.
We practised and became a masterful act.

Soul - yeap, that applies to us too.

When food is love
As soon as we begin relying on others to fill us, we feel the need, the urgency, to control what they do and say; we feel the need, the urgency, to control what they do and say; the reflection of ourselves in their eyes becomes critical.
They must love us in a particular way, say things in a particular manner. They must love us the way we would love ourselves if only we were allowed. They must become what we define as loving so that we will know we r loved. They must do everything our parents did.

Soul - I cld replace the word love with value and change the context to the work that I do. I let my work value me.
Why I don't think of love? Why d word value instead?
Now updating the blog few weeks later on Oct 27. I suddenly can relate to the above. Normally Regional comments irritates me, make me they judging/questioning my value. I was angry last Friday and when he follow thru with emails on Monday, I was irritated and Tuesday, I just felt nothing. He is just being himself and his comments is not a reflection of me. I can allow him to say him piece cos I don't allow him to affect me. It is when I am affected that I can't allow him to say his piece...amazing...Father, thank you.

When food is love
Being loved by Matt heightens the ways in which I already felt complete and exacerbates the emptiness.
Being loved in the present brings up all the ways in which we were not loved in the past.
The only insurance against repeating the pain in the past is to allow ourselves to feel it fully and release it in the present.
When we allow our bodies/weight to interfere with the quality of intimacy in our lives, when we feel too fat, too ugly to be stroked, we r trying to protect ourselves from being hurt.

Soul - tot can replaced this with me using Work to prevent me from getting intimate with anyone. Work is my clutch. Something I can rely on. And if its more n more challenging, then I don't have tine to think of what I really want. Cos I do want a partner, I do want to share wit others, but m afraid of to be hurt more than anything.
Even this sathsang thingy, I didn't wan to fail. I didn't wan to get hurt.
In the end, my fear of failure - a reflection of my value - a reflection of my lovability.
　
When food is love
But the hurt we r protecting ourselves from is not in the present. Nor is it in the future. We r trying to protect ourselves from feeling a hurt that has nothing to do with our lives now; over and over for the rest our lives, we r trying to protect ourselves from feeling our past and in so doing we never allow ourselves to claim the present.
Soul - Father, thank u. It time I let go of fear of failure. Failure does not equate to value. Value does not equate to lovability. My lovabilty has no equation to what I do or don't do. I m lovable, period.