Looking at my illness

Jun 21 eve
Children completes Z and thats why it is a compulsion for him. The choice of partner is irrelevant. Just like I tot a partner completes me. But I m not sure now. I know my true love is within.

Just had a good volunteer meeting. It was small but cosy.
Met a few potential independent volunteers.

Father, thank U. On the way back, mind had some negative tots on C but I let it be. It is the past. I have reaffirmed my commitment to Isha. It will be part of my life. People can come and go, I no longer hold them to what they say they will do but don't do. I no longer rely upon them. I will do what is needed.

Father, yea, Z didn't abandon me. I must be the first few that he sent the wedding invite. I checked with friends, they don't know about his wedding.
Anyway, it is no longer important. I make my peace. I found my true love within me. Amen.

Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Unshed tears will find their way into the nose, whether they are due to sadness, guilt or frustration. It may also imply that u have gone emotionally cold or being cold to ur feelings. It is also where there is too much happening at once and u need to shut off for awhile.

Soul
Yea, when Z told me he was getting married end Dec last year, I had a bad cold. And now this final confirmation of his wedding cause me to have cough instead. Or it could be due to me feeling overwhelmed with leadership on Isha. It has recovered but still some coughing of phlegm.

Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Dry skin implies withdrawal of emotion, a holding back so u do not have to deal with communication or feeling.
Oily skin implies excess of emotion - often passionate or angry ones - that are not finding release.

Soul
Uncanny true as my skin is dry.

Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Itching
When something is causing ur skin to itch, then either someone or something is scratching ur surface, rubbing u the wrong way or really getting to u and bugging u; or something inside u is itching to get free, to break out of familiar or restrictive old patterns.

Soul
As I was reading this, the last part "something inside u is itching to get free, to break out of familiar or restrictive old patterns" seems to click.
The itchiness and spot growth on my lower part of face is hormonal due to skin inflammation.
But I also tot it could be a discharge as it arise about one month after I went into seafood menu. And I finally learned my Cosmic lesson. And I found out my mind is living on time if both past and future on extrapolated past and my true love is within me.
Something inside is changing. Something inside wants to come out.

Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis
The body mind symptoms indicate there may be repressed anger.

Soul
Alas I can finally see it. Even when I was rightfully angry and assert my feeling; there is a guilty part. That I should not do it.
Now I know I repressed my anger because fear of losing validation; fear of losing my image of emotional stable person. 

Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis
Lacking assertiveness and feeling inhibited, find urself unable to express yourself in the way u really want to.

Soul
Father, I truly fear to express my feeling. No wonder it gets blows up.
Yea, I tend to block it. I can be assertive in work as I felt I was "fighting for others" and not me. In work I m confident but outside work I m not.
I m envious of those "bitches" that can express their emotion without fear of losing validation. 

Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis
Do u have a tendency to undermine urself through criticism.

Soul
I tot am not good enough and can't share yet. Here I see M, who has very surface knowledge and yet can claim to be knowledgeable and dare to "teach" others. I was dismayed at her and I was worried cos she is getting the knowledge from me. She may be teaching the wrong thing.

Mmm, now nearly 12 am and I m still alert. Guess its because of the energy field of meditators.

Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Movement is essential, especially going with the flow and allowing change to happen. Life is movement, so the more stuck u r, the more lifeless u may become. However, most important is finding ur heart and expressing it, sharing ur love, and in this way becoming ur own best friend.

Soul
Yes. I just found out that my true love is within me. And the love songs that I sang during my practices is about the joining of my own heart, my inner love.
For the first time in my life. I feel safe. I feel loved. Even if no one in the world loves me; I love myself. I am amazing, courageous woman. 

Sadhguru
How deep is ur suffering u feel now is how far u are away from the Truth.

Soul
Amen.
Father, my mind is falsely giving me illusion of past and extrapolated past projected as future.
As long as I believe them, I will suffer.
I m ready to walk away from my mind now. Just like I walked away from food.