Politic - mental drama on Z

May 3
Woke up 7 am but feeling bit tired. So, got another alarm at 7.30 am.
Tots of Z comes to my mind. Then I realised that the Osho politic card that I got under Issue yesterday. The mind will dig and stir. A real shit stirrer.
I want to read the excerpt of Food is love cos I wonder whether I replaced Sex is love.

Did my Surya kriya. Quite good except for last cycle when I had tots of Z and my foot goes too much off center. Surya kriya needs focus.
Breathing was lovely. Shakti was good. Shambavi fine. Throughout some tots of Z and  etc, but nothing disturbing and so practice is not disrupted.
Silence and singing towards the end.

Just did Shoonya. It was deep and so peaceful.

Now reading Food is Love. A tot came to me; "why Z can't talk to me?"  I think if he talk, then there is a closure to it. It is the hanging part that makes me hold on. It is his silence that makes me continues. I need open discussion and he cannot handle that.

Mmm, it is Z not talking to me that edges me. I takes pride in communication and here in my own rship, my boyfriend can't even talk to me. My pride is real dented. It can be interpreted that he can't trust me to be rational or reasonable; which is my strength.
Of course, reading his South Node in Leo and lunar in Leo explain that it is just him.

Father, now reading Food is Love. Food used to be my love. It is something I can't give up cos it is me. I used to say the day I give up food is the day I m enlightened.
Alas, after 4 and half years of practices. I gave up food.
When Z broke up with me, I turned to food, I ate the best food that I can find. But I realised the best food doesn't make me happy. And as a result of my food binge, I gained weight and have bad cholesterol.
So, now I stop eating chicken and red meat. There were no drama. Now I see meat and I know I have eaten the best and yet it does nothing.

My body is slimming down and I know cholesterol level going down to normal. The practices is going great.

But my face got acnes on the neck and lower face. It has been a few years since I got acnes. Something is brewing and I don't know.

On Z, I can't control him. He is avoiding me because of himself. I can't change others. I just have to accept it as truly ended eventhough we didn't go through a proper closure. It is just my pride that insist on proper communication. The outcome may be the same.

Mmm, perhaps all this is because I still don't want to admit I failed. But I have no regrets cos I m opened physically and I found myself. Aiyah, this just the mind.

Be focus on loving and not attached.

Now doing my blog. Suddenly there is no issue on Z. Just my mind working overtime.