Jul 17
Father, regretted in sharing my discovery of my belief in lovability with my close friend.
She didn't bring up the topic at all. Towards the end, she brought up the matter of her buying something that she doesn't wan because she want to help. To me, it was another compulsive behaviour seeking validation from people. And also another 'ploy' so she doesn't have to open her door.
She says its best not to analyse. If u know who you are, there is no need to analyse. I just replied people has many layers. In my mind, I tot, no one truly knows who they are.
She says that she is now generous after her path. Wish I could agree with her. I just smiled.
I have outgrown her. I tot she would open her door but she is still there.
And she asked me when did I start to wear jade. That question also irks me a bit. To her, one shouldn't change and want other things. Perhaps, its just her not wanting to change.
What about me? I am sad that I have no one to shared with but m glad I made the peeling. Analyses and Insight would be my gift to the world. Perhaps for other people, analyses paralyse, but not for me.
Father, who knows she is able to surrender to U and let U take charge. I can't at the moment.
This morning, my practice was amazing. So fluid and I felt such deep connection. When I swam, I was floating. No longer worry abt destination, jus enjoy floating. Whenever I reach the end, I don't even have to wait for a few seconds, laughter just erupt from within me. Such joy.
Father, now I know why food no longer held much fascination to me. My joy from meditation and swimming is much more than my joy in tasting food. So, its not a matter of interest waning in food, but more of I found alternative mode of joy. And the joy I experienced is much more than I ever experienced with food.
Osho - Nanak
Existence has loved u, desired u, made u. It does not matter what u r like; it is still giving u life. You are already the loved one.
But u turn ur back to him, afraid of his love. You run away and hide just when he wishes to fill ur being. When Nanaks speaks of winning His Love, he means to become upright, stand facing Him, and shed all fear.
When ur vessel is filled with His love, it will shower all around u. There is no end to His Grace. Once u know that, the grace from above never ceases to pour. Then no matter how much u give, ur vessel is always brimming.
The guru is one whose vessel is so filled with God's love that he can contain it no more. As he begins to overflow, other vessels are filled through him. His vessel is so full that now he is capable of giving. When the cloud is saturated, it must rain. Then only can it become light. The flower saturated with fragrance, must give it up to the winds.
It is only out of fear that u overturned ur vessel, fear that it may be filled with something unwanted or wrong. It is out of fear u have closed all doors. When u close ur door, neither the their nor beloved can come in.
You are so afraid of something entering that u have covered the opening and then cry that u r empty.
If u go against the wind or the flow of the river, u will have to struggle and what will be the outcome. You will never arrive, u will only get tired.
The more we ignore His support, the more effort we have to make, because then we have to do what normally he would have done for us. We have substitute our labour for His.
You are fighting existence; there u break. You become old and decrepit because ur life is one long struggle.
Soul
My new belief; Life is not easy, why make it more difficult?
Of cos now; Life is good.
Osho - Nanak
Wherever u bath, there will be the Ganges.
It makes no difference what u do; the real question is ur own self.
When u r different, the most ordinary stream becomes the Ganges; but if u r no different from the ordinary, then even the holy waters of the Ganges become ordinary.
So it is a question of u being ordinary or non-ordinary.
Ordinary is to live without His rememberance.
Extraordinariness is to live with His remembrance. Accept losing everything but not His remembrance.
Soul
Every swimming pool is now like Teethakoon to me.
Even my bed is energised as I laugh almost everynight just before I sleep
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Your knowledge cannot exceed your own understanding
Jul 16 Even
Osho
When u read a book, u interpret the words in ur own way. It is u who reads and interprets, and ur interpretation cannot be more than u; it cannot transcend ur own understanding. You will attach ur own meanings to the words.
Soul
Now I know why so many people is stuck.
Osho
It is great fortune to come across a living guru.
Soul
I have. While I don't attach to him. I greatly felt his presence and bow down to him. And I do my practices cos whatever he says has come true for me.
Osho
It is not that u will understand all that the guru says; u will understand his very being. To be with him, to breathe the air around him, is to be in a different climate altogether. At least for that much time you are lost to the world; you reside in a different world and your consciousness assumed another form. Be ready and willing to look through the guru's window - there is no other way besides this.
Soul
That's why I do sathsang.
Osho - Nanak
God is the benefactor of all. Let me not forget him.
That within, the master of all, is one.
Osho
When u read a book, u interpret the words in ur own way. It is u who reads and interprets, and ur interpretation cannot be more than u; it cannot transcend ur own understanding. You will attach ur own meanings to the words.
Soul
Now I know why so many people is stuck.
Osho
It is great fortune to come across a living guru.
Soul
I have. While I don't attach to him. I greatly felt his presence and bow down to him. And I do my practices cos whatever he says has come true for me.
Osho
It is not that u will understand all that the guru says; u will understand his very being. To be with him, to breathe the air around him, is to be in a different climate altogether. At least for that much time you are lost to the world; you reside in a different world and your consciousness assumed another form. Be ready and willing to look through the guru's window - there is no other way besides this.
Soul
That's why I do sathsang.
Osho - Nanak
God is the benefactor of all. Let me not forget him.
That within, the master of all, is one.
Valuation a measure of my lovability (2)
Jul 16
This mornin woke up 6.30 am, feeling fine. But mind says why don't you take a break since you have been purging and vomiting yesterday. Then a second tot came, no discretion in meditation. So, I wake up and did my practices and later went for breakfast.
When I was doing suria namaskara, a tot came in. She value her possession more than being liked.
I valued my deliverable more than being liked.
When I got her a third class PA, it touched her deeply, make her feel bad and she lashed at me to deliver good PA for her. She keep on stressing on getting value for money.
I recalled that I felt bad, she scolded me over such insignificant matter. She didn't value my friendship, she didn't love nor appreciate me. I didn't do anything bad to warrant such scolding. Now I know this is not about me. Her possession is her valuation and her likeability factor is not her valuation. So, she has no compunction to seek valuable possession by threatening and scolding me.
My question on how she managed to overcome basic human need for people to like her is answered.
I am lovable. She not loving me is becos her lovability is more important than my lovability. So, this is not about me, its about her.
I have been asking myself. Why do I always need to hold true to my words. Why can't I give people what they want? Why I get myself in difficult position, making them dislike me? It is not smart, why self-sabotage.
Then I realised valuation of my deliverables is more important than getting approval/liking from others. Even if I knew the others doesn't like my answer, it won't change. On one hand, I can be said to be courageous and hold true, on the other hand, its just because I felt bad to give bad deliverable. I cannot love myself if I give bad deliverable.
CEO is lovable, its just that my lovability is more important her lovability. So, I will be the last person to seek validation as I don't seek from others. So, this is not about them, its about me.
We all need not take it personally. Amen.
Mmm, D still looking for answer. Seeking for marriage counseling, seeking to assert her loss of control. Her key is power. That's the first door she must pass through. Only when she was willing to powerless, the rest of her insight can flow thru.
My first key was sadness, second key was control, third key was rejection, fourth key was unlovability. When I am able to see how unloved I am, that I finally can see the rest of me.
As for D, I understand why she is not taking the advice we did together. Cos not having power makes her feel unloved, so she need to recover that. Also she is a fixed card, no one but her can make the change. Surprisingly, the tot of why she like that, waste my time, and etc.
Father, thank U. I no longer takes rejection personally. This is not about me. In the end, everything is about ourselves. So, then we need not take things personally from others. Once we removed the emotion out of the way, we need to see our projection.
This mornin woke up 6.30 am, feeling fine. But mind says why don't you take a break since you have been purging and vomiting yesterday. Then a second tot came, no discretion in meditation. So, I wake up and did my practices and later went for breakfast.
When I was doing suria namaskara, a tot came in. She value her possession more than being liked.
I valued my deliverable more than being liked.
When I got her a third class PA, it touched her deeply, make her feel bad and she lashed at me to deliver good PA for her. She keep on stressing on getting value for money.
I recalled that I felt bad, she scolded me over such insignificant matter. She didn't value my friendship, she didn't love nor appreciate me. I didn't do anything bad to warrant such scolding. Now I know this is not about me. Her possession is her valuation and her likeability factor is not her valuation. So, she has no compunction to seek valuable possession by threatening and scolding me.
My question on how she managed to overcome basic human need for people to like her is answered.
I am lovable. She not loving me is becos her lovability is more important than my lovability. So, this is not about me, its about her.
I have been asking myself. Why do I always need to hold true to my words. Why can't I give people what they want? Why I get myself in difficult position, making them dislike me? It is not smart, why self-sabotage.
Then I realised valuation of my deliverables is more important than getting approval/liking from others. Even if I knew the others doesn't like my answer, it won't change. On one hand, I can be said to be courageous and hold true, on the other hand, its just because I felt bad to give bad deliverable. I cannot love myself if I give bad deliverable.
CEO is lovable, its just that my lovability is more important her lovability. So, I will be the last person to seek validation as I don't seek from others. So, this is not about them, its about me.
We all need not take it personally. Amen.
Mmm, D still looking for answer. Seeking for marriage counseling, seeking to assert her loss of control. Her key is power. That's the first door she must pass through. Only when she was willing to powerless, the rest of her insight can flow thru.
My first key was sadness, second key was control, third key was rejection, fourth key was unlovability. When I am able to see how unloved I am, that I finally can see the rest of me.
As for D, I understand why she is not taking the advice we did together. Cos not having power makes her feel unloved, so she need to recover that. Also she is a fixed card, no one but her can make the change. Surprisingly, the tot of why she like that, waste my time, and etc.
Father, thank U. I no longer takes rejection personally. This is not about me. In the end, everything is about ourselves. So, then we need not take things personally from others. Once we removed the emotion out of the way, we need to see our projection.
I created my own world of unlovability (4)
Jul 15 Evening
Today still purge water. And I recall this mornin at 3 am, I wanted to vomit at the same time, but I hold it back.
Finished my practices and immediately I have the strength to vomit. I vomit everything out of me.
I don't like to vomit, I don't mind purging. Vomit leaves a bad taste in my mouth. After the vomit, I felt much better.
I am glad this happen now, at home rather than in samyama.
This is the clearing after my discovery of my core belief on what makes me lovable and my realisation that I need not do anything to be lovable. Even a valueless person is lovable. Now finally I understand what the Existence card means.
As long as I am, Existence cares for me.
Sadhguru
The very purpose of putting a group of people together is to help u understand ur likes and dislikes, which are the basis of all the limitations u have set for urself as a person.
Take a careful look at ur personality; you will see that it is just a bundle of likes and dislikes. These likes and dislikes have risen from ur enslavement to the duality of life, which is the bedrock of ignorance.
The very word 'yoga' means to transcend this duality and know the oneness of existence. You like or dislike something simply because somewhere deep down u have identified it as either good or bad. Whatever u identify as good you can't help liking and whatever u identify as bad, u can't help disliking.
Shiva is a complex amalgamation of all that's beautiful, ugly, pleasant, good and bad. They made him the highest so that in accepting him, u accept everything.
You transcend the limitations of your likes and dislikes, and in turn, your dualities.
Soul
Just now when I was thinking that I may be too much in meditation since I lost my value in work. Wondering if I am seeking my value in meditation instead. 2nd tot came immediately, meditation can never be too much. Besides I don't do on Sunday.
Cloud of Unknowing.
That in all other work beneath this, men should keep discretion; but in this none.
In this work, shalt thou hold no measure: for I would thou shouldest never cease of this work whiles thou livest.
Soul
I recall when I read Sadhguru, it also talk about ernesty and focus in spiritual practices for it to be fruitful.
So, ignore the mind. I can't imagine, despite purging since 3 am, I am still doing my practices.
Cloud of Unknowing
That by indiscretion in this, men shall keep discretion in all other things; and surely else never.
Do this work evermore without ceasing and without discretion, and thou shalt well ken begin and cease in all other works with a great discretion.
Soul
Message to continue ahead. Like GM says I do have the discipline. And now coupled with loss of value in work, who knows I may strive for value here. But no worries, I be fine. Cos meditation does not need 'to be controlled', unlike other avenues.
(Aug 8 - I used to dislike it when people says I am disciplined. I guess its reflect the 'pushing authority' I have on myself. Nowadays, I will just tell people, I am disciplined. Funnily, the word no longer affects me.)
Osho - Nanak
Suffering - u r trying to steer ur life without God. Having set him aside, u have trusted yourself too much and taken urself to be too clever; there is no other reason for ur unhappiness.
Happiness - u have set ur cleverness and intellect aside, giving no credence to ur abilities but experiencing him in everything; you have begun to live more in him and less in yourself. Ultimately you may dwell entirely in him.
Soul
So true, my core belief in lovability was wrong and resulted in suffering. I let go of my belief and start afresh. Suddenly tot of my purging/vomit as letting go of all my past.
Osho - Nanak
Sometimes he gives and thus creates you.
Sometimes he takes away and in so doing you evolve further!
Sometimes suffering is necessary because sorrow wakes you up, makes you conscious.
In happiness you are lost and sleepy. In suffering, you awaken.
Like a boat that need two oars to move, a man walks with 2 feet and 2 hand. In life, u need night and day, joy and sorrow, birth and death; or else the boat keeps on going round and round, reaching nowhere.
Soul
P shared with me that S affect her and she is trying to see the mirror.
Suddenly tot of S and his belief of ulterior motive in people. He felt justified in being a victim and that God will teach the other person their lesson (karma). And I admit I can be taken in cos I too had such belief whenever am down. But when I am up, am fine. S need to re-look. From now on, need to steer the boat for him.
I used to be frustrated that this conflict among them has happen. (Aug 8 - guess its a reflection of me not being a good leader.)
Then one day, I decide to let it play and now it no longer affect me as much as before. Today I tot that they are also here to teach me, since I too judged about God's ulterior motive that caused me suffering. Alas, now that I know is me, wonder too about S.
Even d scolding incident wit CEO is a true blessing.
Tot of D and SY cases, both also teaching for me.
Osho - Nanak
When a person begins to perceive, knowing that he is in everything, he is filled with thanksgiving; even when sorrow comes, he accepts it cheerfully.
When u accept his joy and u accept his sorrow equally, then joy is no longer joy, sorrow is no longer sorrow; the dividing line is lost.
When u begin to look upon them impartially, ur attachment to joy and rejection of suffering are both broken and u stand apart, free from both, having arrived at the attitude of witness then u shall be rid of sorrow and carry home joy
Soul
Amen.
Today still purge water. And I recall this mornin at 3 am, I wanted to vomit at the same time, but I hold it back.
Finished my practices and immediately I have the strength to vomit. I vomit everything out of me.
I don't like to vomit, I don't mind purging. Vomit leaves a bad taste in my mouth. After the vomit, I felt much better.
I am glad this happen now, at home rather than in samyama.
This is the clearing after my discovery of my core belief on what makes me lovable and my realisation that I need not do anything to be lovable. Even a valueless person is lovable. Now finally I understand what the Existence card means.
As long as I am, Existence cares for me.
Sadhguru
The very purpose of putting a group of people together is to help u understand ur likes and dislikes, which are the basis of all the limitations u have set for urself as a person.
Take a careful look at ur personality; you will see that it is just a bundle of likes and dislikes. These likes and dislikes have risen from ur enslavement to the duality of life, which is the bedrock of ignorance.
The very word 'yoga' means to transcend this duality and know the oneness of existence. You like or dislike something simply because somewhere deep down u have identified it as either good or bad. Whatever u identify as good you can't help liking and whatever u identify as bad, u can't help disliking.
Shiva is a complex amalgamation of all that's beautiful, ugly, pleasant, good and bad. They made him the highest so that in accepting him, u accept everything.
You transcend the limitations of your likes and dislikes, and in turn, your dualities.
Soul
Just now when I was thinking that I may be too much in meditation since I lost my value in work. Wondering if I am seeking my value in meditation instead. 2nd tot came immediately, meditation can never be too much. Besides I don't do on Sunday.
Cloud of Unknowing.
That in all other work beneath this, men should keep discretion; but in this none.
In this work, shalt thou hold no measure: for I would thou shouldest never cease of this work whiles thou livest.
Soul
I recall when I read Sadhguru, it also talk about ernesty and focus in spiritual practices for it to be fruitful.
So, ignore the mind. I can't imagine, despite purging since 3 am, I am still doing my practices.
Cloud of Unknowing
That by indiscretion in this, men shall keep discretion in all other things; and surely else never.
Do this work evermore without ceasing and without discretion, and thou shalt well ken begin and cease in all other works with a great discretion.
Soul
Message to continue ahead. Like GM says I do have the discipline. And now coupled with loss of value in work, who knows I may strive for value here. But no worries, I be fine. Cos meditation does not need 'to be controlled', unlike other avenues.
(Aug 8 - I used to dislike it when people says I am disciplined. I guess its reflect the 'pushing authority' I have on myself. Nowadays, I will just tell people, I am disciplined. Funnily, the word no longer affects me.)
Osho - Nanak
Suffering - u r trying to steer ur life without God. Having set him aside, u have trusted yourself too much and taken urself to be too clever; there is no other reason for ur unhappiness.
Happiness - u have set ur cleverness and intellect aside, giving no credence to ur abilities but experiencing him in everything; you have begun to live more in him and less in yourself. Ultimately you may dwell entirely in him.
Soul
So true, my core belief in lovability was wrong and resulted in suffering. I let go of my belief and start afresh. Suddenly tot of my purging/vomit as letting go of all my past.
Osho - Nanak
Sometimes he gives and thus creates you.
Sometimes he takes away and in so doing you evolve further!
Sometimes suffering is necessary because sorrow wakes you up, makes you conscious.
In happiness you are lost and sleepy. In suffering, you awaken.
Like a boat that need two oars to move, a man walks with 2 feet and 2 hand. In life, u need night and day, joy and sorrow, birth and death; or else the boat keeps on going round and round, reaching nowhere.
Soul
P shared with me that S affect her and she is trying to see the mirror.
Suddenly tot of S and his belief of ulterior motive in people. He felt justified in being a victim and that God will teach the other person their lesson (karma). And I admit I can be taken in cos I too had such belief whenever am down. But when I am up, am fine. S need to re-look. From now on, need to steer the boat for him.
I used to be frustrated that this conflict among them has happen. (Aug 8 - guess its a reflection of me not being a good leader.)
Then one day, I decide to let it play and now it no longer affect me as much as before. Today I tot that they are also here to teach me, since I too judged about God's ulterior motive that caused me suffering. Alas, now that I know is me, wonder too about S.
Even d scolding incident wit CEO is a true blessing.
Tot of D and SY cases, both also teaching for me.
Osho - Nanak
When a person begins to perceive, knowing that he is in everything, he is filled with thanksgiving; even when sorrow comes, he accepts it cheerfully.
When u accept his joy and u accept his sorrow equally, then joy is no longer joy, sorrow is no longer sorrow; the dividing line is lost.
When u begin to look upon them impartially, ur attachment to joy and rejection of suffering are both broken and u stand apart, free from both, having arrived at the attitude of witness then u shall be rid of sorrow and carry home joy
Soul
Amen.
I created my own world of unlovability (3)
Jul 15
Father, yday abt 3 am, suddenly want to pass motion and also want to vomit. I realised that I have purged in my sleep. Quickly went to toilet and continue purging. Surprisingly, there were no pain at all and after purging for 15 min, I went back to sleep.
I woke up at 4.30 am to do my practices. Of cos, mind says to drop practice since I was purging in the early moring. I ignored my mind and continued.
The breathing meditation is good and I went in deep and was even laughing, the first time. Then after practice, continue purging until now.
This is a real clearing. No pain, just purging. Amen.
Radical Forgiveness
If u want to know what u dislike about yourself and have likely disowned, simply look at what annoys you about the people who come into your life. Look at the mirror they provide.
If u seem to attract a lot of angry people into ur life, u probably have not dealt with some anger of ur own.
If people seem to withhold love from you, some part of u is unwilling to give love.
If people seem to steal things from you, part of u behaves dishonestly or feels dishonest.
If people betray u, maybe u have betrayed someone in the past.
Look at the issues that upset u too.
If abortion really makes u mad, maybe a part of u shows little reverence for life in other ways, or part of u knows it could abuse a child.
If u r passionately against homosexuality, maybe u cannot accept the part of u that sometimes feels homosexually inclined.
The reflection does not always appear so readily or as simply. For eg, sometimes we do not identify with the specific behaviour as much as we do with the underlying meaning it holds for us.
A man who gets angry with overeating wife. He might be resonating with her use of food to avoid dealing with emotional problems becos it mirrors his tendency to run away from his own emotional problem.
The beauty of RF lies in the fact that it does not require us to recognise what we project. We simply forgive the person for what is happening at the time. In doing so, we automatically undo the projection, no matter how complicated the situation.
The reason for this is simple, in that the person represents the original pain that caused us to project in the first place. As we forgive him or her, we clear the original pain.
Soul
Same like ACIM. Father, is this the sign to go back. I tot this time I am ready to do Teacher's manual.
Yday, when I cried on my valuation mode, I saw the face of Ku Cheh, one of my childhood"s friend mother. I remember she look down at me for having clothes that are not 'clean" to wear.
I recalled I was very upset with her and infact I want to leave her house the same night and i vowed that I will be valuable.
I only endured her becos of the good food and toys to play. I didn't even like the friend. I guess I used her. I recall when she was nasty and the mom condemned my clothes, I cried and wanted to walk out that night and told them I wanted to go home.
Even my best friend throughout primary to secondary and college, we don't have things in common. She doesn't excite, she makes me feel 'bad' cos she is beautiful. I stayed becos of the food.
Father, looks like I never really care much for people.
Not true, I now have close friends that have common interest. We helped each other to grow. I helped my staff to grow. (Aug 8 - actually, I am alone in this.)
Radical Forgiveness
Ironically, the people who seem to upset us the most are those who, at the soul level, love and support us the most. They are often souls we made contracts with prior to our incarnation to do certain things with us during our lifetime. Infact most time, our personalities clash terribly.
Almost always, and often at great expense to themselves in terms of their own discomfort, these individuals try to teach us something about ourselves and encourage us to move torward our awakening.
Soul
Amen.
Radical Forgiveness
When we see ourselves as victims, we think only about killing the messenger. We miss the message.
It doesn't occur to us that we might have (at the soul level) attracted the person and the situation to ourselves for a reason and that had it not been this person it simply would have been someone else.
Soul
Yea, my 3 bosses with valuation issue. They came continuously without break.
Mmm, tot of S. He need this for his sake.
Father, yday abt 3 am, suddenly want to pass motion and also want to vomit. I realised that I have purged in my sleep. Quickly went to toilet and continue purging. Surprisingly, there were no pain at all and after purging for 15 min, I went back to sleep.
I woke up at 4.30 am to do my practices. Of cos, mind says to drop practice since I was purging in the early moring. I ignored my mind and continued.
The breathing meditation is good and I went in deep and was even laughing, the first time. Then after practice, continue purging until now.
This is a real clearing. No pain, just purging. Amen.
Radical Forgiveness
If u want to know what u dislike about yourself and have likely disowned, simply look at what annoys you about the people who come into your life. Look at the mirror they provide.
If u seem to attract a lot of angry people into ur life, u probably have not dealt with some anger of ur own.
If people seem to withhold love from you, some part of u is unwilling to give love.
If people seem to steal things from you, part of u behaves dishonestly or feels dishonest.
If people betray u, maybe u have betrayed someone in the past.
Look at the issues that upset u too.
If abortion really makes u mad, maybe a part of u shows little reverence for life in other ways, or part of u knows it could abuse a child.
If u r passionately against homosexuality, maybe u cannot accept the part of u that sometimes feels homosexually inclined.
The reflection does not always appear so readily or as simply. For eg, sometimes we do not identify with the specific behaviour as much as we do with the underlying meaning it holds for us.
A man who gets angry with overeating wife. He might be resonating with her use of food to avoid dealing with emotional problems becos it mirrors his tendency to run away from his own emotional problem.
The beauty of RF lies in the fact that it does not require us to recognise what we project. We simply forgive the person for what is happening at the time. In doing so, we automatically undo the projection, no matter how complicated the situation.
The reason for this is simple, in that the person represents the original pain that caused us to project in the first place. As we forgive him or her, we clear the original pain.
Soul
Same like ACIM. Father, is this the sign to go back. I tot this time I am ready to do Teacher's manual.
Yday, when I cried on my valuation mode, I saw the face of Ku Cheh, one of my childhood"s friend mother. I remember she look down at me for having clothes that are not 'clean" to wear.
I recalled I was very upset with her and infact I want to leave her house the same night and i vowed that I will be valuable.
I only endured her becos of the good food and toys to play. I didn't even like the friend. I guess I used her. I recall when she was nasty and the mom condemned my clothes, I cried and wanted to walk out that night and told them I wanted to go home.
Even my best friend throughout primary to secondary and college, we don't have things in common. She doesn't excite, she makes me feel 'bad' cos she is beautiful. I stayed becos of the food.
Father, looks like I never really care much for people.
Not true, I now have close friends that have common interest. We helped each other to grow. I helped my staff to grow. (Aug 8 - actually, I am alone in this.)
Radical Forgiveness
Ironically, the people who seem to upset us the most are those who, at the soul level, love and support us the most. They are often souls we made contracts with prior to our incarnation to do certain things with us during our lifetime. Infact most time, our personalities clash terribly.
Almost always, and often at great expense to themselves in terms of their own discomfort, these individuals try to teach us something about ourselves and encourage us to move torward our awakening.
Soul
Amen.
Radical Forgiveness
When we see ourselves as victims, we think only about killing the messenger. We miss the message.
It doesn't occur to us that we might have (at the soul level) attracted the person and the situation to ourselves for a reason and that had it not been this person it simply would have been someone else.
Soul
Yea, my 3 bosses with valuation issue. They came continuously without break.
Mmm, tot of S. He need this for his sake.
I created my own world of unlovability (2)
Jul 14 Afternoon
Cheerful
Having or showing good spirits or joy; contented; happy; joyful; lively; animated; willing
Father, again comment that the carpet is not nice. It reflect my opinion too. Could be a wrong buy. Felt bad
I know its the lovability of delivering not valuable item.
I just delivered one not so nice carpet but I am still lovable
Even I m worthless, am lovable.
So difficult to be worthless, especially faced with CEO who insist on valuable.
Doubly hard. Fighting myself and CEO.
Spoke to SY and she says mine is triple hard. For them, they get value from outside, if outside is ok, inside follow suit. Mine is, even if outside is ok, inside may not be ok, 2 levels and mine is added with valuation CEO, that's 3 levels.
Admit my mistake and get refund for carpet. Fear gone. But this is done for CEO and not me.
Shoulders
Cause - Represent our ability to carry out experiences in life joyously. We make life a burden by our attitude.
Affirmation - I choose to allow all my experiences to be joyous and loving.
Fat Arms
Cause - Anger at being denied love
Affirmation - It is safe for me to create all the love I want.
(Aug 8 - not sure, after the 'clearing', my arms look less bloated.)
Just now cried during guru pooja, during shoonya and during shakti. During shoonya and guru pooja, I asked for forgiveness for denying love for myself. During shakti I start to massage my upper and lower stomach and tears fell like never before. I have a good release.
Cheerful
Having or showing good spirits or joy; contented; happy; joyful; lively; animated; willing
Father, again comment that the carpet is not nice. It reflect my opinion too. Could be a wrong buy. Felt bad
I know its the lovability of delivering not valuable item.
I just delivered one not so nice carpet but I am still lovable
Even I m worthless, am lovable.
So difficult to be worthless, especially faced with CEO who insist on valuable.
Doubly hard. Fighting myself and CEO.
Spoke to SY and she says mine is triple hard. For them, they get value from outside, if outside is ok, inside follow suit. Mine is, even if outside is ok, inside may not be ok, 2 levels and mine is added with valuation CEO, that's 3 levels.
Admit my mistake and get refund for carpet. Fear gone. But this is done for CEO and not me.
Shoulders
Cause - Represent our ability to carry out experiences in life joyously. We make life a burden by our attitude.
Affirmation - I choose to allow all my experiences to be joyous and loving.
Fat Arms
Cause - Anger at being denied love
Affirmation - It is safe for me to create all the love I want.
(Aug 8 - not sure, after the 'clearing', my arms look less bloated.)
Just now cried during guru pooja, during shoonya and during shakti. During shoonya and guru pooja, I asked for forgiveness for denying love for myself. During shakti I start to massage my upper and lower stomach and tears fell like never before. I have a good release.
I created my own world of unlovability
Jul 14
Father, today felt sleepy. Guess was bit tired. Good thing is that wrist swelling has reduced.
Also tot of d front reception carpet. Not the best, but is the best there as I need to combine brightness and ability to withstand dirt. Ego says CEO will scold me. First tot, I have done my best. If she insist, buy again. 2nd tot, its ok if I am worthless, and not able to select value. (Aug 8 - She likes the carpet as it looks grand. Again, a classic example of how ego always work to reduce our worth.)
Besides that the blast may be good for me as what my Osho card says, blessing in disguise; don't escape it. The previous blast led me to my unlovability and later my value system. So, that is great. A half an hour scolding for such massive discovery. I can pay the price.
Father, for me the 'hurt' part was that selection by me is not valuable. Coming from me, not valuable and it makes me feel down. Ah hah, maybe this carpet is just another example. I used to be compulsive and felt bad, or need to defend. Now jus accept it, my selection is not a measure of who I am.
The colleague attachment is power. Just send a msg to her
This mornin, tot of u. A word came : Power.
Perhaps its not productivity that u were attached to.
When u grown up, suddenly u realised if u assert yourself, u have power and that feel great.
I recall u mention that ur dad is powerless and ur family is powerless in ur grandfather household and somewhere u decided u will be powerful. And ur power comes from assertion of urself; driving urself.
Also tot of u and CEO. She is powerful like ur grandfather. Perhaps ur friction with her is that with her, ur 'power' lessen and u didn't like it.
CEO used power to assert others and u used power to assert urself. Perhaps that's the mirror.
Father, mirrors running around everywhere. My mirror with CEO is valuation and her mirror with CEO is power.
Radical Forgiveness.
Our core belief also have certain frequency. Other people resonate with the energetic frequency of that belief; in other words, they vibrate sympathetically at the same rate with it. When they do so, they are attracted into our lives to mirror our beliefs back to us. This gives us a chance to look and, if necessary, change our minds about that belief.
It is not only negative beliefs that get mirrored back to us. For eg, if we are loving and trusting, we will tend to attract people into our lives who are likewise trustworthy and nurturing.
Soul
What a coincidence. A book truly meant for me.
My belief that internal valuation equal to worthiness, equals to lovability is the mirror of CEO's external valuation.
I am willing to change this. Becos the mind is endless and I don't want to keep on having to prove or justify my existence. It is so tiring, I am exhausted and resentful. RA is the result of over-exertion.
Father, one of my main resentment is that I always seem to have to justify my existence, to prove my worth before I can get recognition/respect/love.
I am always envious of people who didn't have to do anything and is loved.
It has nothing to do with God punishing me, God thinks m not lovable. It has to do with my own core belief that my worth is attached to the valuation of my deliverables. No one, nothing did this to me, except myself. Father, forgive me.
You loved me and I didn't realise. It was me who is hurting myself.
You love me so that today I didn't get my usual breakfast table and hence got this secluded place that I can cry.
You love me that u send LY to give me the book on Radical Forgiveness, Flower essence's inner child.
Father, why? Where did this belief comes from? At home, we never had to prove ourselves. We never shared our result or salary figure. We were never asked to excel.
Only thing is that I don't wan to be poor and I don't want to be look down, I want the freedom to eat what I want. I want to be free. I guess the price to pay is to have success.
Mom's word; Study hard, find a good job. Make a good life. Be a valuable person.
Don't know lah. Perhaps just my karmic issue.
My need for self worth drive me to over assert to give valuable deliverable; rejecting anything that can reduce my worth - failure of any new thing; low value tasks, eating low taste food, rejection from lover.
I don't want to be put in a position where my valuation is questioned.
That's the reason I left WY company, I left SG, why I wanted to leave current company a year and half ago. That's also the reason why I don't want a partner.
Father, I live in a fearful world. My core belief of valuation-worth-love is the root. It has given me some success but it has eliminated all opportunities. No wonder, my decision making - eliminate the negative, left the neutrel and positive situation.
Problem is what I perceive negative arise from my fear of failure.
Arthritis
Cause - Feeling unloved. Criticism and resentment
Affirmation - I am love. I now choose to love and approve of myself. I see others with love
Arthritis fingers.
Cause - A desire to punish. Blame. Feeling victimised.
Affirmation - I see with love and understanding. I hold all my experiences up to the light of love.
Rheumatoid Arthritis
Cause - Deep criticism of authority. Feeling very put upon.
Affirmation
I am my own authorty.
I love and approve of myself.
Life is good.
Soul
Louis Hay is so right. Will check out on fat arm.
(Aug 8 - no wonder I got RA. I have wrongly evaluated myself. Wrongly tot that God doesn't love and how can God love me. Wrongly tot I am not lovely, I am. Wrongly tot I am not clever, I am very intelligent. I gave my authority to You, Father. I cannot trust myself.)
7thunder card
10 of Spade - success and satisfaction in achieving my goals.
Soul - my goal is to find the belief of my unlovability; found the valuation and also found out I created my own unlovability. I created the justification for my existence. No one asked it of me, only I did. I am my own authority.
Father, today felt sleepy. Guess was bit tired. Good thing is that wrist swelling has reduced.
Also tot of d front reception carpet. Not the best, but is the best there as I need to combine brightness and ability to withstand dirt. Ego says CEO will scold me. First tot, I have done my best. If she insist, buy again. 2nd tot, its ok if I am worthless, and not able to select value. (Aug 8 - She likes the carpet as it looks grand. Again, a classic example of how ego always work to reduce our worth.)
Besides that the blast may be good for me as what my Osho card says, blessing in disguise; don't escape it. The previous blast led me to my unlovability and later my value system. So, that is great. A half an hour scolding for such massive discovery. I can pay the price.
Father, for me the 'hurt' part was that selection by me is not valuable. Coming from me, not valuable and it makes me feel down. Ah hah, maybe this carpet is just another example. I used to be compulsive and felt bad, or need to defend. Now jus accept it, my selection is not a measure of who I am.
The colleague attachment is power. Just send a msg to her
This mornin, tot of u. A word came : Power.
Perhaps its not productivity that u were attached to.
When u grown up, suddenly u realised if u assert yourself, u have power and that feel great.
I recall u mention that ur dad is powerless and ur family is powerless in ur grandfather household and somewhere u decided u will be powerful. And ur power comes from assertion of urself; driving urself.
Also tot of u and CEO. She is powerful like ur grandfather. Perhaps ur friction with her is that with her, ur 'power' lessen and u didn't like it.
CEO used power to assert others and u used power to assert urself. Perhaps that's the mirror.
Father, mirrors running around everywhere. My mirror with CEO is valuation and her mirror with CEO is power.
Radical Forgiveness.
Our core belief also have certain frequency. Other people resonate with the energetic frequency of that belief; in other words, they vibrate sympathetically at the same rate with it. When they do so, they are attracted into our lives to mirror our beliefs back to us. This gives us a chance to look and, if necessary, change our minds about that belief.
It is not only negative beliefs that get mirrored back to us. For eg, if we are loving and trusting, we will tend to attract people into our lives who are likewise trustworthy and nurturing.
Soul
What a coincidence. A book truly meant for me.
My belief that internal valuation equal to worthiness, equals to lovability is the mirror of CEO's external valuation.
I am willing to change this. Becos the mind is endless and I don't want to keep on having to prove or justify my existence. It is so tiring, I am exhausted and resentful. RA is the result of over-exertion.
Father, one of my main resentment is that I always seem to have to justify my existence, to prove my worth before I can get recognition/respect/love.
I am always envious of people who didn't have to do anything and is loved.
It has nothing to do with God punishing me, God thinks m not lovable. It has to do with my own core belief that my worth is attached to the valuation of my deliverables. No one, nothing did this to me, except myself. Father, forgive me.
You loved me and I didn't realise. It was me who is hurting myself.
You love me so that today I didn't get my usual breakfast table and hence got this secluded place that I can cry.
You love me that u send LY to give me the book on Radical Forgiveness, Flower essence's inner child.
Father, why? Where did this belief comes from? At home, we never had to prove ourselves. We never shared our result or salary figure. We were never asked to excel.
Only thing is that I don't wan to be poor and I don't want to be look down, I want the freedom to eat what I want. I want to be free. I guess the price to pay is to have success.
Mom's word; Study hard, find a good job. Make a good life. Be a valuable person.
Don't know lah. Perhaps just my karmic issue.
My need for self worth drive me to over assert to give valuable deliverable; rejecting anything that can reduce my worth - failure of any new thing; low value tasks, eating low taste food, rejection from lover.
I don't want to be put in a position where my valuation is questioned.
That's the reason I left WY company, I left SG, why I wanted to leave current company a year and half ago. That's also the reason why I don't want a partner.
Father, I live in a fearful world. My core belief of valuation-worth-love is the root. It has given me some success but it has eliminated all opportunities. No wonder, my decision making - eliminate the negative, left the neutrel and positive situation.
Problem is what I perceive negative arise from my fear of failure.
Arthritis
Cause - Feeling unloved. Criticism and resentment
Affirmation - I am love. I now choose to love and approve of myself. I see others with love
Arthritis fingers.
Cause - A desire to punish. Blame. Feeling victimised.
Affirmation - I see with love and understanding. I hold all my experiences up to the light of love.
Rheumatoid Arthritis
Cause - Deep criticism of authority. Feeling very put upon.
Affirmation
I am my own authorty.
I love and approve of myself.
Life is good.
Soul
Louis Hay is so right. Will check out on fat arm.
(Aug 8 - no wonder I got RA. I have wrongly evaluated myself. Wrongly tot that God doesn't love and how can God love me. Wrongly tot I am not lovely, I am. Wrongly tot I am not clever, I am very intelligent. I gave my authority to You, Father. I cannot trust myself.)
7thunder card
10 of Spade - success and satisfaction in achieving my goals.
Soul - my goal is to find the belief of my unlovability; found the valuation and also found out I created my own unlovability. I created the justification for my existence. No one asked it of me, only I did. I am my own authority.
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