Sept 8
Father, did suria that was effortless and nowadays even the slopping down is via the chest and not the chin. My elbow is getting stronger. Tots came in and not as easy to focus on the Energy as we also need to keep track of the no. of cycles. Towards the eight cycle, I can feel the energy expanded. I follow it through and during the relax period, I felt in deep meditation. Full relaxation.
Then start on my breathing meditation. Tot of Tamil teacher and this time instead of watching. I become aware of the breathe instead and focusing on it. The experience was sweet. And these 2 days surprisingly, my back no 'cracking' sound. I can sit straight so comfortably. M surprised at my body.
Then did shambavi, did focus but tots do come in but only 50 percent of norm. I also did the 2 min of the first three session instead of my norm 1.5 min. Suria namaskara, back was errect and left hand was still, focus on the breathe.
In th end, don't have the bliss or orgasmic experience (aiyah, not due to me. It was Tamil teacher and Sadhguru ), just a feeling of sweetness. But I like it.
Yeah, my experience is sweet now. Thanks to Tamil teacher
Father, my mind is made up. I am going for the Samyama Refresher. This decision is confirmed by the Osho cards too. And the issue mentioned under No Samyama is the same in my this week
Osho.
Conscience vs Consciousness.
The Patient Card, I wonder, actually is Tamil teacher leading me to higher level.
Eight of Club
The card of mental power, the ability to focus one's mind on a goal or objective and see it through to a successful conclusion.
Soul
Really true. I choose natural detachment over food.
Whatever the outcome, at least I overcomed my attachment to food.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tamil IE (5) - samyama
Sept 7 Aft
Father, why I find it so difficult to volunteer?
I don't mind doing the marketing side. But that's all.
Just now they call me to for Volunteer meeting - core team. Immediately I tensed up and I can find my resistance.
Actually, I don't like to volunteer and I don't get anything out of it per se. I am volunteering because I want to keep it going, that's all.
Aiyah. Don't resist.
Take this as a Lesson to learn so I can promote my own website.
Some more, I core team aiyoh.
Father, with budget delayed. I can now go for the Satir counseling course. But now looking at their website and also tot of mine. Doesn't seem to jive. 3500 - perhaps shld go for coaching course instead.
Today, I actually wan to ask Tamil teacher on samyama and breathing meditation. Just now did my shoonya with focus, it has more depth. I tot I can now learn to do samyama cos now I can focus and contain the energy. I wanted to tell the Tamil teacher abt my 8 days of laughing, singing and dancing. I was disappointed with my expectation of samyama. I tot it will help me to transform, alas it just a happy meditation trip. Also I now lost the samyama meditation. Tot of re-starting with new guidance since I can now focus.
Now just received email from isha about samyama on 26 to 30 oct - perfect timing for me. I would not hesitate at all if there is no 40 days veg. And now I have to start on 15 Sept and m going to my sister's place outstation.
Father, how?? Its like u asking me to go. I tot samyama was over in aug. And now staring at my face.
Father, guide me.
Evening
My tot was have an intense Shambavi and then do my own samyama.
Anyway, I didn't focus well. So, the session was like my normal one albeit 10 percent hike. I tot perfect, that teach me a lesson. Sadhguru saying not so easy. Have to do samyama refresh.
When I was going back, I didn't wan to ask teacher already. I want to decide on my own. Anyway, how can he help me? It has to be me lah.
I jus wan to say short goodbye but he seems inviting and I told him that I lost samyama meditation. I realised that he laughed a lot with me or rather he is also joyful like me and tend to laugh easily. Guess, just like local teacher, they can relax and be their joyful self with me
Surprisingly, he told me to come on 15 Sept and he will see if he can help me on the samyama meditation. He asked me how many years has lapsed and said its good to do a refresher. I told him only this year lah and he says perhaps he can see what we can do on 15 Sept. Meanwhile he asked me to do the breathing awareness. I said I m fine with that and now he tot me to focus, its even deeper than ever.
He says that samyama is not the last. There are other advance program that I can join, like 3 mths and 6 mths. After that is life. I told him that I am Seeker.
Mmmm, Father. Sadhguru has send him to help me. Who knows, perhaps this is my Past life karma, I got help now.
Father, both the 2 meditators says I go in very fast. I told them I didn't take any effort. He replied that its must have been my Past Life efforts. I agree.
Tot I should not let my Past Life goes to waste. I only need to do food thingy.
Osho
The cycle of death and birth is God's request for u to sing properly. It is part of ur training and u have to pass through it. He who understands this breaks his identity with death.
Father, why I find it so difficult to volunteer?
I don't mind doing the marketing side. But that's all.
Just now they call me to for Volunteer meeting - core team. Immediately I tensed up and I can find my resistance.
Actually, I don't like to volunteer and I don't get anything out of it per se. I am volunteering because I want to keep it going, that's all.
Aiyah. Don't resist.
Take this as a Lesson to learn so I can promote my own website.
Some more, I core team aiyoh.
Father, with budget delayed. I can now go for the Satir counseling course. But now looking at their website and also tot of mine. Doesn't seem to jive. 3500 - perhaps shld go for coaching course instead.
Today, I actually wan to ask Tamil teacher on samyama and breathing meditation. Just now did my shoonya with focus, it has more depth. I tot I can now learn to do samyama cos now I can focus and contain the energy. I wanted to tell the Tamil teacher abt my 8 days of laughing, singing and dancing. I was disappointed with my expectation of samyama. I tot it will help me to transform, alas it just a happy meditation trip. Also I now lost the samyama meditation. Tot of re-starting with new guidance since I can now focus.
Now just received email from isha about samyama on 26 to 30 oct - perfect timing for me. I would not hesitate at all if there is no 40 days veg. And now I have to start on 15 Sept and m going to my sister's place outstation.
Father, how?? Its like u asking me to go. I tot samyama was over in aug. And now staring at my face.
Father, guide me.
Evening
My tot was have an intense Shambavi and then do my own samyama.
Anyway, I didn't focus well. So, the session was like my normal one albeit 10 percent hike. I tot perfect, that teach me a lesson. Sadhguru saying not so easy. Have to do samyama refresh.
When I was going back, I didn't wan to ask teacher already. I want to decide on my own. Anyway, how can he help me? It has to be me lah.
I jus wan to say short goodbye but he seems inviting and I told him that I lost samyama meditation. I realised that he laughed a lot with me or rather he is also joyful like me and tend to laugh easily. Guess, just like local teacher, they can relax and be their joyful self with me
Surprisingly, he told me to come on 15 Sept and he will see if he can help me on the samyama meditation. He asked me how many years has lapsed and said its good to do a refresher. I told him only this year lah and he says perhaps he can see what we can do on 15 Sept. Meanwhile he asked me to do the breathing awareness. I said I m fine with that and now he tot me to focus, its even deeper than ever.
He says that samyama is not the last. There are other advance program that I can join, like 3 mths and 6 mths. After that is life. I told him that I am Seeker.
Mmmm, Father. Sadhguru has send him to help me. Who knows, perhaps this is my Past life karma, I got help now.
Father, both the 2 meditators says I go in very fast. I told them I didn't take any effort. He replied that its must have been my Past Life efforts. I agree.
Tot I should not let my Past Life goes to waste. I only need to do food thingy.
Osho
The cycle of death and birth is God's request for u to sing properly. It is part of ur training and u have to pass through it. He who understands this breaks his identity with death.
Tamil IE (4) - intense practices
Sept 7
Father, I finally know what being intense in practice means. I finally know what To Be With IT means.
All these while, I just fell into the zone without much effort. I just do the process, without any focus (no intensity) and since I got to be joyful. I didn't tot of doing anything until I become disatisfied and tot there shld be more.
So far, all the people I have met doesn't have the type of grace that I wanted too. Even, Sadhguru, when I met him in person, honestly I was bit disappointed. I am more affected by His Energy rather than his person. Perhaps, its becos I couldn't contain his presence and I just laugh and laugh. If I kept it in and contain it, I would have experience the bliss of his presence.
For the first time, I met such a lovely presence in the Tamil teacher. And I wanted to have what he has. He guided me to my first blissful meditation. He also led me to my first intense practice and the meaning of Be with IT. Amen.
The timing is amazing. I never plan nor expected this. I tot this was the 'peak' with Isha and I am doing it for maintenance purpose due to my health. And now I have propel forward. Like he said I can be a Seeker, which I am. I have never consciously did my practice. I just did it by the way, confident that the Universe wil connect and I be joyful.
Never have I consciously make an effort. I just let it happen. I never make it happen. Or rather for the first time, with the focus, I am able to contain the energy and experience the bliss.
Text P to attend the IE Tamil class. He just go back from Kailash, so timing is good too. For me, he represent my inroad to samyama.
Tot of what I have received from U. Father, I am so humbled by Your Grace. Thanks so much for everything from the bottom of my heart. My tears of gratitude for U.
Everytime, I am confused or stranded, U always send to me someone or something to propel me further.
Sadhguru, from today onward. I will do my practice with Intensity. Let's be pragmatic. I am already doing the hours, so I should do it with focus so I reap the benefits. Thank U for sending the Tamil teacher.
This morning, did my asanas with focus. I just focus on the point at my forehead and do all the closing of feet. Have break in between and when spurt of laughter came, I contained it and it makes the asanas more intense.
On the 90/45, I spend longer time. On the plough back, I stop at every posture, savouring it, just like I did for suria namaskara.
On the head touching ankle. I did bend down and stay there for more than 1 min.
On the relaxing, take 3 sets of deep breathe followed with open mouth release.
Did my 61 points consciously and the relaxation, I was totally relaxed. Later did 10 motion of open mouth/chest breathing.
After the asanas, I was just so nimble.
Did my breathing meditation and this time noted I didn't move with my breathe, just being aware of my body and I went in deeper than before. Head was shaking on its own accord.
My shambavi. I was focused on my forehead all the time. I only let go abt 10 percent of time. Did my surka kriya with focus, left hand was still and just focus on breathing and my back was straightened unconsciously.
Everything flow thru.
When I reach the end, I contained the spurt of laughter and just take in the energy, keep on focusing on my third eyes, taking all inward.
There was an orgasmic experience rising from my pelvic and it was a real pleasure. I would gauge it at 30 percent of yday blissful experience.
But it is more than I have ever experienced with Shambavi or even Shakti.
I finised my practice at 7 am. I have never felt this refreshed before after morning practice. This is the first time in the 1 year since I started my 4.30 am practices.
4 of Hearts
Is a sign of protection in love, marriage and family
It represent at its most basic level, the foundation of love upon which all of our other relationships are built. It is the home of heart.
Soul
That's exactly how I feel. Alas, my heart is open up and filled with love.
Father, I finally know what being intense in practice means. I finally know what To Be With IT means.
All these while, I just fell into the zone without much effort. I just do the process, without any focus (no intensity) and since I got to be joyful. I didn't tot of doing anything until I become disatisfied and tot there shld be more.
So far, all the people I have met doesn't have the type of grace that I wanted too. Even, Sadhguru, when I met him in person, honestly I was bit disappointed. I am more affected by His Energy rather than his person. Perhaps, its becos I couldn't contain his presence and I just laugh and laugh. If I kept it in and contain it, I would have experience the bliss of his presence.
For the first time, I met such a lovely presence in the Tamil teacher. And I wanted to have what he has. He guided me to my first blissful meditation. He also led me to my first intense practice and the meaning of Be with IT. Amen.
The timing is amazing. I never plan nor expected this. I tot this was the 'peak' with Isha and I am doing it for maintenance purpose due to my health. And now I have propel forward. Like he said I can be a Seeker, which I am. I have never consciously did my practice. I just did it by the way, confident that the Universe wil connect and I be joyful.
Never have I consciously make an effort. I just let it happen. I never make it happen. Or rather for the first time, with the focus, I am able to contain the energy and experience the bliss.
Text P to attend the IE Tamil class. He just go back from Kailash, so timing is good too. For me, he represent my inroad to samyama.
Tot of what I have received from U. Father, I am so humbled by Your Grace. Thanks so much for everything from the bottom of my heart. My tears of gratitude for U.
Everytime, I am confused or stranded, U always send to me someone or something to propel me further.
Sadhguru, from today onward. I will do my practice with Intensity. Let's be pragmatic. I am already doing the hours, so I should do it with focus so I reap the benefits. Thank U for sending the Tamil teacher.
This morning, did my asanas with focus. I just focus on the point at my forehead and do all the closing of feet. Have break in between and when spurt of laughter came, I contained it and it makes the asanas more intense.
On the 90/45, I spend longer time. On the plough back, I stop at every posture, savouring it, just like I did for suria namaskara.
On the head touching ankle. I did bend down and stay there for more than 1 min.
On the relaxing, take 3 sets of deep breathe followed with open mouth release.
Did my 61 points consciously and the relaxation, I was totally relaxed. Later did 10 motion of open mouth/chest breathing.
After the asanas, I was just so nimble.
Did my breathing meditation and this time noted I didn't move with my breathe, just being aware of my body and I went in deeper than before. Head was shaking on its own accord.
My shambavi. I was focused on my forehead all the time. I only let go abt 10 percent of time. Did my surka kriya with focus, left hand was still and just focus on breathing and my back was straightened unconsciously.
Everything flow thru.
When I reach the end, I contained the spurt of laughter and just take in the energy, keep on focusing on my third eyes, taking all inward.
There was an orgasmic experience rising from my pelvic and it was a real pleasure. I would gauge it at 30 percent of yday blissful experience.
But it is more than I have ever experienced with Shambavi or even Shakti.
I finised my practice at 7 am. I have never felt this refreshed before after morning practice. This is the first time in the 1 year since I started my 4.30 am practices.
4 of Hearts
Is a sign of protection in love, marriage and family
It represent at its most basic level, the foundation of love upon which all of our other relationships are built. It is the home of heart.
Soul
That's exactly how I feel. Alas, my heart is open up and filled with love.
Tamil IE (3) - my first blissful experience
Sept 6 Eve
Evening
Amazing. I didn't plan to attend the tamil IE and only to do the Sunday initiation as my friend LK is not around, just want to volunteer.
This morning Shambavi was fantastic and I really liked the teacher and also I know the center's energy is good and of cos I wanted to ask teacher about his experience. I told him I am not keen in volunteer nor being a teacher. He said I can be a Seeker (which is exactly what I am). I shared about my experience, he said I am on the right track. I told him that there must be more than jus laughing, dancing and singing. I wanted to ask about his experience as he has a lovely presence. He told me that there is more than joy and what I experience is just a phase but I must let the laughter phase go.
I told him I am willing but not sure how.
He says that to cross over, it doesn't require time nor years of practices. It just require intensity. When I laugh, sing and dance, means my body cannot contain the energy. So this requires more sadhanas.
He asked me to do the shambavi together with the rests of the IE participants and volunteers, just be here, also asked myself to contain the laughter a bit and see what's else there
Firstly, I sit quietly to the music. I didn't follow my body to sway, I contain the movement and suddenly I found myself sitting erect and at ease for a very long time. Very surprising
I did shambavi, I just focused being there. I did intensely and the most amazing was surka kriya. My left hand didn't even lift up, and towards the middle, I found my back becomes erect without effort and the surka kriya was the deepest breathing I have ever done.
Then aum chanting, he was there to support. Then I did the fluttering and this time I try to contain the head swinging and focus on the breathe instead. I found it slightly difficult but he helped me by doing the fluttering and the energy got to me.
Then I did the bandana. I know the secret is locking the bottom and not the top, so I can still breathe. With that I managed to lock much longer on full and empty breathe.
Then the quiet moment, at first nothing, then a laughter try to escape and I close my mouth and a few more times, I just contain in and focus inward. And suddenly I found myself in a state of such pleasure, so orgasmic. And it went on and on, and it become so sweet, so full that I was gasping, exclaiming and also tears of gratitude came. I was there for a long long time until Teacher asked us to come out. I was still caught in the blissful experience.
Father, I finally encountered bliss.
When I came out, I felt my heart has open up and my hand goes to keep it warm. I felt love flooded within me.
I shared this with another fellow meditator, M and she says she also experience something more, she found herself laughing. She wanted to talk more to me.
Father, yea. Our local teacher normally ignore such sharing. So, its not just me.
Evening
Amazing. I didn't plan to attend the tamil IE and only to do the Sunday initiation as my friend LK is not around, just want to volunteer.
This morning Shambavi was fantastic and I really liked the teacher and also I know the center's energy is good and of cos I wanted to ask teacher about his experience. I told him I am not keen in volunteer nor being a teacher. He said I can be a Seeker (which is exactly what I am). I shared about my experience, he said I am on the right track. I told him that there must be more than jus laughing, dancing and singing. I wanted to ask about his experience as he has a lovely presence. He told me that there is more than joy and what I experience is just a phase but I must let the laughter phase go.
I told him I am willing but not sure how.
He says that to cross over, it doesn't require time nor years of practices. It just require intensity. When I laugh, sing and dance, means my body cannot contain the energy. So this requires more sadhanas.
He asked me to do the shambavi together with the rests of the IE participants and volunteers, just be here, also asked myself to contain the laughter a bit and see what's else there
Firstly, I sit quietly to the music. I didn't follow my body to sway, I contain the movement and suddenly I found myself sitting erect and at ease for a very long time. Very surprising
I did shambavi, I just focused being there. I did intensely and the most amazing was surka kriya. My left hand didn't even lift up, and towards the middle, I found my back becomes erect without effort and the surka kriya was the deepest breathing I have ever done.
Then aum chanting, he was there to support. Then I did the fluttering and this time I try to contain the head swinging and focus on the breathe instead. I found it slightly difficult but he helped me by doing the fluttering and the energy got to me.
Then I did the bandana. I know the secret is locking the bottom and not the top, so I can still breathe. With that I managed to lock much longer on full and empty breathe.
Then the quiet moment, at first nothing, then a laughter try to escape and I close my mouth and a few more times, I just contain in and focus inward. And suddenly I found myself in a state of such pleasure, so orgasmic. And it went on and on, and it become so sweet, so full that I was gasping, exclaiming and also tears of gratitude came. I was there for a long long time until Teacher asked us to come out. I was still caught in the blissful experience.
Father, I finally encountered bliss.
When I came out, I felt my heart has open up and my hand goes to keep it warm. I felt love flooded within me.
I shared this with another fellow meditator, M and she says she also experience something more, she found herself laughing. She wanted to talk more to me.
Father, yea. Our local teacher normally ignore such sharing. So, its not just me.
My Journey
My Journey
I started my journey in 1997 during recession as I was feeling insecure. Work used to be my security and I am good at it. But I wasn't as sure as before as I now know that outside circumstance is beyond our control. We can be the best worker, but when the economy is down, everything goes.
So, I started to read book to find answers on how I can be more secure. I start to read books on personal development, to better equip myself in my career and to find back my security level. But the more I read, the more insecure I felt.
In 1999, I took a gamble and quit my job as I won an offer for a 3 months scholarship to Finland. That was the turning point for me. I was introduced to spirituality by Wayne Dyer's Sacred Self.
In 2000, I was initiated into A Course in Miracles (“ACIM”) and it was the book that finally broke down my control self. I plummeted down into a mild depression. I just wasn’t my normal happy self, but I can’t seem to come out of it.
But I just couldn’t accept that God create me and leaves me here to suffer. I know there must be a way out and I keep on searching. Then I read the book, suppression of feeling led to depression, and from then on, I learn to let go of my control and let my feeling surfaced and my depression ended.
Around the same time, I found Carl Jung and I was totally connected to him. He taught me that it was my unconsciousness that rules me and I am not in control as I thought I am. I got scared cos I am the type of person that needs to be in control in order to feel safe. I made a commitment to open up all my doors of unconsciousness as I cannot allow others to control me.
And I was then able to practice ACIM with an approach to open up all my doors of unconsciousness, it was a humbling period. Every time I thought that it was someone/some people that hurt me, I would be brought back to see how I contributed to the unhappy situation that I was in. So, I learnt through the hard way about projections and mirrors. At the same time, I also read Krishnamurti who taught me about how relationship is always mirror for me to see myself (inwardly)
In Year 2001, I attended Asia Work workshop and became aware firstly that I have past wounds that need to be addressed and secondly I am an internal control freak. My self control operates on automatic mode closing all doors to my feelings.
With ACIM, I found my auto self control switch and turn it off and start to feel again.
While ACIM has turn my mind around by changing my behaviour but it does not address the inner wound. And I found Meister Eckhart and Cloud of Unknowing. When I read their words, my door crumble and past wound is expressed.
My life and relationship with others have improved so much but yet it is not yet transformed because I realised that I am continuously clearing shit from my mind. But it is like a never ending story, once I uncover and release a story, a new story will come up. I asked God, why can’t I overcome my fear, why so much fears? When will this ends?
I also know that I have not been able to get a grip on my need to be valued at work. Unconsciously, I drive myself in work and because I was disconnected from my feeling and body, my system break down and I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I can already see that my mind, which is my pride, is also my weakness. It is creating so much shit that I am unable to clear all of them. I prayed to God for help, because I know I can no longer help myself anymore. I cannot rely on my mind, I am disconnected with my feeling as I don’t trust them and definitely I cannot rely on my body, as I thought I am a physically challenged person, someone unable to play even simple game like badminton.
So, body, mind and feeling are out. I prayed to God, help me, I am at tail end and no longer can help myself.
Alas, in late 2008, I was introduced to Isha yoga, in d first session, Sadhguru said apart from mind, body and emotion, there is a 4th dimension that governs us, ensuring our heart beat n blood flow n it is Energy. This Energy is not within our grasp and hence we can't manipulate it.
I was ecstatic; alas there is another dimension in me that can help me. I who always tot I can't do meditation, fell into it and doing it diligently as d results of joy and peace is amazing. I wake up daily at 6 am to do my meditation. For someone who love food, I now delay my dinner by 2 hours so that I can do my evening meditation, clearing all my daily stress and be happy again.
In early 2009, I started a blog on my daily journal detailing my feelings, my thoughts and excerpts from books that I have read that connects me. It was a form of expression and I also hope that others can have a first-hand view of the inner turmoil and joy, the up and downs in our journey to be our Self.
My Rheumatoid Arthritis acted up sometimes mid 2009 and I decided to take up hatha yoga from Isha. And for someone who dislikes exercise of any forms, now wake up 4.30 am daily to do yoga. Amazingly, I love doing yoga with awareness, which gives me the same experience as meditation.
In late 2009, I finally acknowledged that I am no fulfilled in my current career as a head of finance in a corporate environment. I decided to resign, but was offered a 4 day week instead. But still I don’t know what I am looking for and I was guided to the Passion Book, that help me to zoom down towards my Top 5 Passion List and on top of the list is to be a Transformational Leader as I love to share about my experiences and how it resulted in Insights that have helped me and can help others too.
I am so happy, the happiest I have been in all my 43 years. I found myself laughing to sleep nearly every day and when I am in the pool, I just laughed with joy. And during meditation, I am in such contentment and peace that tears of gratitude just fell. I can now accept the good and bad part of me, because all is ME.
Just before I did this profile of mine, I was led to a book by AH Almaas, Diamond Heart Book 4, a book I bought back in 2006. I recalled that it couldn’t connect with it. But now I can. And coincidentally, the book is about combining spirituality with psychology in order to transform our personality. This basically outlines my approach in my journey, so looks like I am on the right track.
But the journey ahead is long, there will be ups and downs, but after a while, a sense of contentment and fulfillment will arise. What I know that we need to get clarity on our Self using psychological and spiritual tools, but in the end, we still need to act on it to enable our transformation to take effect. Otherwise, all the knowledge that we gathers will come to nothing.
I am now at this stage of transforming my personality to match my inner values, but it will not be easy, so much attachment to go through. In the end, even if I knew what is good for me, I tend not to change, cos I am afraid of losing what I have, not sure of the gain. But this is a choice that I will make everyday until my outer matched my inner!
For now, my first step is to act on my Passion as a writer and I am starting my website; joyong
I started my journey in 1997 during recession as I was feeling insecure. Work used to be my security and I am good at it. But I wasn't as sure as before as I now know that outside circumstance is beyond our control. We can be the best worker, but when the economy is down, everything goes.
So, I started to read book to find answers on how I can be more secure. I start to read books on personal development, to better equip myself in my career and to find back my security level. But the more I read, the more insecure I felt.
In 1999, I took a gamble and quit my job as I won an offer for a 3 months scholarship to Finland. That was the turning point for me. I was introduced to spirituality by Wayne Dyer's Sacred Self.
In 2000, I was initiated into A Course in Miracles (“ACIM”) and it was the book that finally broke down my control self. I plummeted down into a mild depression. I just wasn’t my normal happy self, but I can’t seem to come out of it.
But I just couldn’t accept that God create me and leaves me here to suffer. I know there must be a way out and I keep on searching. Then I read the book, suppression of feeling led to depression, and from then on, I learn to let go of my control and let my feeling surfaced and my depression ended.
Around the same time, I found Carl Jung and I was totally connected to him. He taught me that it was my unconsciousness that rules me and I am not in control as I thought I am. I got scared cos I am the type of person that needs to be in control in order to feel safe. I made a commitment to open up all my doors of unconsciousness as I cannot allow others to control me.
And I was then able to practice ACIM with an approach to open up all my doors of unconsciousness, it was a humbling period. Every time I thought that it was someone/some people that hurt me, I would be brought back to see how I contributed to the unhappy situation that I was in. So, I learnt through the hard way about projections and mirrors. At the same time, I also read Krishnamurti who taught me about how relationship is always mirror for me to see myself (inwardly)
In Year 2001, I attended Asia Work workshop and became aware firstly that I have past wounds that need to be addressed and secondly I am an internal control freak. My self control operates on automatic mode closing all doors to my feelings.
With ACIM, I found my auto self control switch and turn it off and start to feel again.
While ACIM has turn my mind around by changing my behaviour but it does not address the inner wound. And I found Meister Eckhart and Cloud of Unknowing. When I read their words, my door crumble and past wound is expressed.
My life and relationship with others have improved so much but yet it is not yet transformed because I realised that I am continuously clearing shit from my mind. But it is like a never ending story, once I uncover and release a story, a new story will come up. I asked God, why can’t I overcome my fear, why so much fears? When will this ends?
I also know that I have not been able to get a grip on my need to be valued at work. Unconsciously, I drive myself in work and because I was disconnected from my feeling and body, my system break down and I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I can already see that my mind, which is my pride, is also my weakness. It is creating so much shit that I am unable to clear all of them. I prayed to God for help, because I know I can no longer help myself anymore. I cannot rely on my mind, I am disconnected with my feeling as I don’t trust them and definitely I cannot rely on my body, as I thought I am a physically challenged person, someone unable to play even simple game like badminton.
So, body, mind and feeling are out. I prayed to God, help me, I am at tail end and no longer can help myself.
Alas, in late 2008, I was introduced to Isha yoga, in d first session, Sadhguru said apart from mind, body and emotion, there is a 4th dimension that governs us, ensuring our heart beat n blood flow n it is Energy. This Energy is not within our grasp and hence we can't manipulate it.
I was ecstatic; alas there is another dimension in me that can help me. I who always tot I can't do meditation, fell into it and doing it diligently as d results of joy and peace is amazing. I wake up daily at 6 am to do my meditation. For someone who love food, I now delay my dinner by 2 hours so that I can do my evening meditation, clearing all my daily stress and be happy again.
In early 2009, I started a blog on my daily journal detailing my feelings, my thoughts and excerpts from books that I have read that connects me. It was a form of expression and I also hope that others can have a first-hand view of the inner turmoil and joy, the up and downs in our journey to be our Self.
My Rheumatoid Arthritis acted up sometimes mid 2009 and I decided to take up hatha yoga from Isha. And for someone who dislikes exercise of any forms, now wake up 4.30 am daily to do yoga. Amazingly, I love doing yoga with awareness, which gives me the same experience as meditation.
In late 2009, I finally acknowledged that I am no fulfilled in my current career as a head of finance in a corporate environment. I decided to resign, but was offered a 4 day week instead. But still I don’t know what I am looking for and I was guided to the Passion Book, that help me to zoom down towards my Top 5 Passion List and on top of the list is to be a Transformational Leader as I love to share about my experiences and how it resulted in Insights that have helped me and can help others too.
I am so happy, the happiest I have been in all my 43 years. I found myself laughing to sleep nearly every day and when I am in the pool, I just laughed with joy. And during meditation, I am in such contentment and peace that tears of gratitude just fell. I can now accept the good and bad part of me, because all is ME.
Just before I did this profile of mine, I was led to a book by AH Almaas, Diamond Heart Book 4, a book I bought back in 2006. I recalled that it couldn’t connect with it. But now I can. And coincidentally, the book is about combining spirituality with psychology in order to transform our personality. This basically outlines my approach in my journey, so looks like I am on the right track.
But the journey ahead is long, there will be ups and downs, but after a while, a sense of contentment and fulfillment will arise. What I know that we need to get clarity on our Self using psychological and spiritual tools, but in the end, we still need to act on it to enable our transformation to take effect. Otherwise, all the knowledge that we gathers will come to nothing.
I am now at this stage of transforming my personality to match my inner values, but it will not be easy, so much attachment to go through. In the end, even if I knew what is good for me, I tend not to change, cos I am afraid of losing what I have, not sure of the gain. But this is a choice that I will make everyday until my outer matched my inner!
For now, my first step is to act on my Passion as a writer and I am starting my website; joyong
My past - self criticism of not being good enough
Sept 6 Afternoon
Father, as I was talking to my gals on d Soul Sisters program, suddenly I realised that I felt not good enough with all the New Age professionals there.
There are Tarot readers, Psychics, people who have been into new age a few years ago. They know more than me. Who am I to share.
1. Issue - Exhaustion
A man who lives through conscience becomes hard. A man who lives through consciousness remains soft.
A hard person is mechanical and reacts in a predictable way.
A real man acts spontaneously.
It is energy draining to live as a hard man.
Life isn't a business to be managed, its a mystery to be loved.
Soul
I have let go of my past. Also with that my predictable response on staff's claim. It is true, it does takes energy to maintain my principles.
2. Internal Influence.
Ripeness
You are now ready to share ur inner riches, ur 'juice'. All u need to do is relax right where u are and be waiting for it to happen.
3. External issue
The Outsider
My key issue; Inner self-criticism
"Somehow "not good enough" to be accepted and included.
Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past and let go of the old pain.
It will bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
(Oct 8 - yeap, I no longer allow criticism of me not being good enough to hijack my dream. It is ok to dream of my vision partner.)
4. What is needed for resolution
Change
Life repeats itself mindlessly - unless u become mindful, it will go on repeating like a wheel. Once u see the pattern, u can get out of it.
Soul
This is reminding me to remove my ego inward self-criticism. Forever comparing me to others and its mostly some people with strength that is my weakness.
My ego has put me on a pedestal. I now know everyone is different and has their strength and weakness. Even if my strength is not as great as other people strength, but that's also show perhaps my weakness is not as great either.
5. Resolution
Patience
Now is a time when all that is required is to be simply alert, patient, waiting.
In silence and waiting, something inside u goes on growing - ur authentic being. And one day it jumps and becomes a flame and ur whole personality is shattered and u become a new man, a man who knows life's eternal juices.
Heal Ur life
We are meant to be different. Nature never repeats itself. When we can accept this, then there is no competition and no comparison. To try to be like another is to shrivel our soul. We have come to this planet to express who we are.
Often what we think of as the things "wrong" with us are only our expressions of our own individuality.
Soul
You gave me whatever I need. Now I just want to wait.
(Oct 8 - exactly. whenever my ego says that i m not good enough. I will reply that he has been through the world and he knows i m unique. I need not compete with others)
Father, as I was talking to my gals on d Soul Sisters program, suddenly I realised that I felt not good enough with all the New Age professionals there.
There are Tarot readers, Psychics, people who have been into new age a few years ago. They know more than me. Who am I to share.
1. Issue - Exhaustion
A man who lives through conscience becomes hard. A man who lives through consciousness remains soft.
A hard person is mechanical and reacts in a predictable way.
A real man acts spontaneously.
It is energy draining to live as a hard man.
Life isn't a business to be managed, its a mystery to be loved.
Soul
I have let go of my past. Also with that my predictable response on staff's claim. It is true, it does takes energy to maintain my principles.
2. Internal Influence.
Ripeness
You are now ready to share ur inner riches, ur 'juice'. All u need to do is relax right where u are and be waiting for it to happen.
3. External issue
The Outsider
My key issue; Inner self-criticism
"Somehow "not good enough" to be accepted and included.
Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past and let go of the old pain.
It will bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
(Oct 8 - yeap, I no longer allow criticism of me not being good enough to hijack my dream. It is ok to dream of my vision partner.)
4. What is needed for resolution
Change
Life repeats itself mindlessly - unless u become mindful, it will go on repeating like a wheel. Once u see the pattern, u can get out of it.
Soul
This is reminding me to remove my ego inward self-criticism. Forever comparing me to others and its mostly some people with strength that is my weakness.
My ego has put me on a pedestal. I now know everyone is different and has their strength and weakness. Even if my strength is not as great as other people strength, but that's also show perhaps my weakness is not as great either.
5. Resolution
Patience
Now is a time when all that is required is to be simply alert, patient, waiting.
In silence and waiting, something inside u goes on growing - ur authentic being. And one day it jumps and becomes a flame and ur whole personality is shattered and u become a new man, a man who knows life's eternal juices.
Heal Ur life
We are meant to be different. Nature never repeats itself. When we can accept this, then there is no competition and no comparison. To try to be like another is to shrivel our soul. We have come to this planet to express who we are.
Often what we think of as the things "wrong" with us are only our expressions of our own individuality.
Soul
You gave me whatever I need. Now I just want to wait.
(Oct 8 - exactly. whenever my ego says that i m not good enough. I will reply that he has been through the world and he knows i m unique. I need not compete with others)
Tamil IE (2)
Sept 6
Father, the initiation plus d clearing has propel me to another level.
Today was laughing so much during suria. Suria was effortless and the right elbow pain is gone. Did my shambavi, there was bit pain on right leg probably due to fall last Friday coupled with heavy flapping of my legs to the music during IE. The amazing thing is I was humming and then followed by vigorous dancing and ended with plough back asana.
So, with that I will go to IE to do my shambavi, to cement it. I cannot understand the language but I am receptive towards Sadhguru presence. I just want it to envelop me.
(Oct 8 - i know do flapping of my 2 legs during the fast breathing mode. Laughter is nearly gone. All my meditation has deepen considerably and extended about half an hour for both morning and evening practices respectively)
Has tot of d teacher, such a lovely being. People likes and welcome lovely being. I wonder when can I be that. Then a sobering tot came, I can't. But wait, I am joyful being. So what if people doesn't welcome me. Main thing is I am my Natural self and I like me.
Also, during the relax mode after hatha yoga, suddenly did the open mouth and chest breathing, felt lighter. So, can do the open mouth breathing on daily basis.
Then the breathing meditation. Not sure if I was conscious abt my being, but I felt light and I consciously keep my palm open at both laps instead of letting it close like norm.
Father, thank U. Everything I need will be given to me. Yday I have new updates to my Vision Book. Amen.
The past is gone and I have me Now. I am ready to embark on my Natural Self. I want to re-read the Law of Attraction, 3rd time. The first time I couldn't relate, the second time I have realisation and the third time is manifestation. I want to attract and manifest my Vision Book.
Heal Ur Life
Fighting the negative is a waste of time if u really want to make changes in ur life. The more u dwell on what u don't want, the more of if u create. The things about urself or ur life that u have always dislike are probably still with u.
What u put ur attention on grows and become permanent in ur life. Move away from the negative and put ur attention on what it is that u really do want to be or have.
(Oct 8 - yea, instead of focusing on my past wound. Lets just focus on my desire for my vision partner)
Soul
Such a coincidence. That's exactly what I just read. For years, I was focusing on gaining control of my unconsciousness and have been opening doors after doors. Well, its enough. The Past is open up and gone. Now I just need to blow out of the remnants of emotions from my chest.
I want to use my Power to attract and manifest what I want instead.
I would no longer judge and criticise myself unlovingly. I have come a long way and I like who I am now. Yday just before sleeping, I was laughing so much. So carefree. I love me
I have a wonderful new relationship
I am my own person
I am filled with love and affection for myself
I am joyous, happy and free
I am totally healthy.
Heal Ur life
It is impossible to really love yourself unless u have self-approval and self-acceptance.
This means no criticism whatsoever.
Soul
Yeap. I never realised it. But I have criticised myself inwardly all these years. S was just a projection of my inner criticism. Thanks for sending S to my life. I will measure my inward criticism by my outward criticism of him.
(Oct 8 - finally decided to recruit his weakness instead and can now focus on his strength. My criticism of him has reduced considerably. Actually, little irritation left)
Heal ur life
Self-criticism is just the mind going on with old chatter. See how u have trained ur mind to berate u and be resistant to change?
Ignore those tots and get on with the important work on hand!
(Oct 8 - yea, now i am visualising my time with my vision partner and a tot would come and say that i m over-myself. I just ignore it)
Soul
Father, U always gave me whatever I need, right on time. When I read this book a few months ago. I didn't relate well and especially this section of not loving urself. I tot I did and as for self-criticism, I totally ignores it cos there is no way I could have criticised myself.
Now reading 2nd time and after my Realisation that my brother was my parent and he criticise me and I hated it, but inwardly I learnt to criticise myself too.
Father, the initiation plus d clearing has propel me to another level.
Today was laughing so much during suria. Suria was effortless and the right elbow pain is gone. Did my shambavi, there was bit pain on right leg probably due to fall last Friday coupled with heavy flapping of my legs to the music during IE. The amazing thing is I was humming and then followed by vigorous dancing and ended with plough back asana.
So, with that I will go to IE to do my shambavi, to cement it. I cannot understand the language but I am receptive towards Sadhguru presence. I just want it to envelop me.
(Oct 8 - i know do flapping of my 2 legs during the fast breathing mode. Laughter is nearly gone. All my meditation has deepen considerably and extended about half an hour for both morning and evening practices respectively)
Has tot of d teacher, such a lovely being. People likes and welcome lovely being. I wonder when can I be that. Then a sobering tot came, I can't. But wait, I am joyful being. So what if people doesn't welcome me. Main thing is I am my Natural self and I like me.
Also, during the relax mode after hatha yoga, suddenly did the open mouth and chest breathing, felt lighter. So, can do the open mouth breathing on daily basis.
Then the breathing meditation. Not sure if I was conscious abt my being, but I felt light and I consciously keep my palm open at both laps instead of letting it close like norm.
Father, thank U. Everything I need will be given to me. Yday I have new updates to my Vision Book. Amen.
The past is gone and I have me Now. I am ready to embark on my Natural Self. I want to re-read the Law of Attraction, 3rd time. The first time I couldn't relate, the second time I have realisation and the third time is manifestation. I want to attract and manifest my Vision Book.
Heal Ur Life
Fighting the negative is a waste of time if u really want to make changes in ur life. The more u dwell on what u don't want, the more of if u create. The things about urself or ur life that u have always dislike are probably still with u.
What u put ur attention on grows and become permanent in ur life. Move away from the negative and put ur attention on what it is that u really do want to be or have.
(Oct 8 - yea, instead of focusing on my past wound. Lets just focus on my desire for my vision partner)
Soul
Such a coincidence. That's exactly what I just read. For years, I was focusing on gaining control of my unconsciousness and have been opening doors after doors. Well, its enough. The Past is open up and gone. Now I just need to blow out of the remnants of emotions from my chest.
I want to use my Power to attract and manifest what I want instead.
I would no longer judge and criticise myself unlovingly. I have come a long way and I like who I am now. Yday just before sleeping, I was laughing so much. So carefree. I love me
I have a wonderful new relationship
I am my own person
I am filled with love and affection for myself
I am joyous, happy and free
I am totally healthy.
Heal Ur life
It is impossible to really love yourself unless u have self-approval and self-acceptance.
This means no criticism whatsoever.
Soul
Yeap. I never realised it. But I have criticised myself inwardly all these years. S was just a projection of my inner criticism. Thanks for sending S to my life. I will measure my inward criticism by my outward criticism of him.
(Oct 8 - finally decided to recruit his weakness instead and can now focus on his strength. My criticism of him has reduced considerably. Actually, little irritation left)
Heal ur life
Self-criticism is just the mind going on with old chatter. See how u have trained ur mind to berate u and be resistant to change?
Ignore those tots and get on with the important work on hand!
(Oct 8 - yea, now i am visualising my time with my vision partner and a tot would come and say that i m over-myself. I just ignore it)
Soul
Father, U always gave me whatever I need, right on time. When I read this book a few months ago. I didn't relate well and especially this section of not loving urself. I tot I did and as for self-criticism, I totally ignores it cos there is no way I could have criticised myself.
Now reading 2nd time and after my Realisation that my brother was my parent and he criticise me and I hated it, but inwardly I learnt to criticise myself too.
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