Jan 23 Aft
Father, no reply from Z after half day. At first I start to think I don't care if he doesn't reply. Then second tot is that's no true and its my defense mechanism operating cos I took it as personal rejection.
So, I say that I want to have his reply but if he doesn't I am fine too. Then an alternative tot came, if he wanted to be my man, that's msg basically put his as a friend and I don't think he want that. Aiyah, its my compulsive tot. Its enough!.
I had a great time at the wet market today. Wet market is my hobby. I like it becos the people are real, no "mask" or "clothes" to hide and also it has my food whereby I too can be myself. I found myself grinning throughout the trip. When I went a crowd and sense a drop in energy, I automatically goes for breathe watching to keep me grounded.
7thunder Card - Queen of Spades
Queens have their greatest power in the feminine, receptive mode. To truly receive, we must attain that state of mind in which we allow everything to come to us without hesitation.
Once we does that, we allow ourselves to experience more joy and success.
(Feb 6 - a tot just occurred to me, does this means when its sadness or bad news, we don't resist, we just let it be. We don't set up defense mechanism that may does us self-jeopardy)
Today card - Eight of Heart
Card of considerable emotional power, charm and personal magnetism.
It is an indicator of having healing energy, a 'spiritual force' gathering in u, a force u can use to better ur life in many ways.
It can bring u more social fun, better intimate relationships or more success in ur business.
Soul
So apt, I have finally let go of my Control cast and let Mars come out. And when it is out, I operate less from projection of hidden defense mechanism that can self-sabotage me. I am alive and I am open to life.
Finally he replied saying he got back late and just woke up. I replied, "happy hunting".
For now, I will be myself, at my own terms.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Intimacy by Rabbi Irwin
Jan 23 late afternoon
I was waiting for my pedicure and was browsing thru my BB and found this excerpt from Rabbi Irwin on Intimacy.
Intimacy by Rabbi Irwin
Intimacy is a never ending dance between loneliness and connection, expectation and disappointment; hot sex and boring sex. There is the greatest risk of loss and the greatest hope for gain.
Marriage, or any close relationship, is a place where you learn about your self - your shadows and your light. Its a place of commandment and trangression. Its a place whereby we are meant to wrestle with ourselves, as well as our loved ones, in order to give birth to a new world.
Its a place that can withstand your brokenness.
We choose a lover in order to fill up something inside us, to find the flesh of our flesh, and we project onto that person, our greatest hope. This is also true with children and friendship, but with romantic love, the bubble is much bigger and likely to pop.
Unless we genuinely helped each other by challenging and being challenged, we cannot continue to feel that oneness.
The real work of intimacy comes when romantic (automatic) love ends and intentional love begins when we leave the garden of eden.
Continuing and maintaining that newness and passion, we must reveal more and more of ourselves and unveil more and more of the other person. We must feel vulnerable and exposed in order to keep love alive.
Blame is a big part of every relationship; its a primal protective device, a shield against vulnerability.
When we hide parts of who we are from our lover, we just ensure that it is not the full me that is being loved. And so love ends up feeding our doubt about the relationship.
We yearn for a person with whom we can be vulnerable and yet be embraced. We long for a place that can tolerate the inevitable turbulence, disruption, anxiety and anguish. We want to feel cherished and celebrated as well
There is no such thing as great love, only great loving, a never-ending process of learning about oneself and each other.
We also need to sweat the small stuff, especially when pettiness threatens to pulls us apart.
We learn to support our lovers, whether silently, or in words or actions, to help them discover themselves in the emotional storm. We are in a dance of perpetual discovery.
Soul
What a great summation! The scary part was the the inevitable turbulence, disruption, anxiety and anguish.
I no longer want to participate in the drama that resulted from resistance.
I will be on my terms, the whole of me. No longer hiding any parts of myself.
I was waiting for my pedicure and was browsing thru my BB and found this excerpt from Rabbi Irwin on Intimacy.
Intimacy by Rabbi Irwin
Intimacy is a never ending dance between loneliness and connection, expectation and disappointment; hot sex and boring sex. There is the greatest risk of loss and the greatest hope for gain.
Marriage, or any close relationship, is a place where you learn about your self - your shadows and your light. Its a place of commandment and trangression. Its a place whereby we are meant to wrestle with ourselves, as well as our loved ones, in order to give birth to a new world.
Its a place that can withstand your brokenness.
We choose a lover in order to fill up something inside us, to find the flesh of our flesh, and we project onto that person, our greatest hope. This is also true with children and friendship, but with romantic love, the bubble is much bigger and likely to pop.
Unless we genuinely helped each other by challenging and being challenged, we cannot continue to feel that oneness.
The real work of intimacy comes when romantic (automatic) love ends and intentional love begins when we leave the garden of eden.
Continuing and maintaining that newness and passion, we must reveal more and more of ourselves and unveil more and more of the other person. We must feel vulnerable and exposed in order to keep love alive.
Blame is a big part of every relationship; its a primal protective device, a shield against vulnerability.
When we hide parts of who we are from our lover, we just ensure that it is not the full me that is being loved. And so love ends up feeding our doubt about the relationship.
We yearn for a person with whom we can be vulnerable and yet be embraced. We long for a place that can tolerate the inevitable turbulence, disruption, anxiety and anguish. We want to feel cherished and celebrated as well
There is no such thing as great love, only great loving, a never-ending process of learning about oneself and each other.
We also need to sweat the small stuff, especially when pettiness threatens to pulls us apart.
We learn to support our lovers, whether silently, or in words or actions, to help them discover themselves in the emotional storm. We are in a dance of perpetual discovery.
Soul
What a great summation! The scary part was the the inevitable turbulence, disruption, anxiety and anguish.
I no longer want to participate in the drama that resulted from resistance.
I will be on my terms, the whole of me. No longer hiding any parts of myself.
I am transforming (12)
Jan 23 Eve
F confronted me and said that I am such a nagger. I asked her how frequent do we meet. She didn't want to reply but in the end she relented its at the most once a month. Actually our SS pgm completed sometime before Aug 2010 and we met only 2 times since then and today becos of S's graduation. So, all in all, its one time in 2months. She does have major authority issue.
For me, I told her that my ego was dented because she doesn't want to listen to me at all, she didn't open up to me at all. Of course for me, after I knew about Ace of Diamond and Ten of Spade issue, I accepted her reluctance to open to me. And I had an alternative tot, its good to have a group of friends that I don't have to share my Light.
I found that she has only one door and she seldom opens it. For me, I have few layers of doors, so I can open them confidently. For her, since it is only one door, she really has to be more choosy to open it. The last time she open her door was few years ago and she was given wrong advice. Great insight and somehow it dispel my ego denture on her not opening to me at all. Now I know it is not 'personal' and need not take it as a rejection per se.
And besides she doesn't even open to Wayne Dyer who told her "Infinite patience brings immediate results".
Father, I like the message to me, Infinite patience brings immediate results.
Today I met another Controller who is beautiful. This time no envious feeling and I tot of introducing her to Z. Then a tot came, Z can do his own hunting and besides I want Z to hunt me, so why sabotage my own chance.
Father, great bonding with S and F. Thank U.
Today also received kudos from P on my website. To receive from her is a big honour as P has great insights and writes so well.
Father, I am so happy. Just now while waiting for S, I start to dance to the music. This time I am standing dancing. My feet moves on its own, real dancing, the sense of two left feet is gone. Father, I want to dance. So, Friday is a good time for me to do dancing. I recalled natal chart says I can dance. Let's try that. Amen.
I don't know if my body can respond passionately to a man's touch. But I want my body to respond to music, a safer choice. I want to dance. I want to feel connected with my body. I already connect with my emotion and now I want my body.
The Passion Test
You can never know what will show up in ur life. You can only stay open to what is required of u in the present moment.
When u let go of the way u think things should be and open yourself to the way they are appearing, u open yourself to the will of God, to the perfect organising power of Nature.
Soul
Yea, I tot now the focus in on writing and here Z suddenly made inroad into my life. Its ironic, we met about 1 year ago and nothing happen but 2 months back, we suddenly click on the banana.
At first I tot not good timing as I need my balance to focus on my writing as I am not confident yet. But little did I knew that by opening up, I let him helped me with my control issue and I finally knew why I couldn't response with passion. And now I want to do dancing. And 2 months later, can do scuba diving.
Father, I now want to connect and experience my bodily function. It started with effortless yoga and morning walk, then effortless swimming, then now dancing and later scuba diving. When I met the right partner, I want to slow dance, to have passionate love making.
The Passion Test
Every single thing u can see that was created by man was an idea in someone's mind at one time. If u want to create the life of ur dreams, it begins by writing your dreams down and becoming as clear as possible.
The power of intention and attention is what brings ideas into concrete form. When u have intention and attention with no tension, then the whole process becomes fun.
Soul
Father, now that I can dance and express my emotion, I no longer feared of not having good food. I still like it and I was pleasantly surprised at the food today. Father, I love U. I love mySelf. Amen.
F confronted me and said that I am such a nagger. I asked her how frequent do we meet. She didn't want to reply but in the end she relented its at the most once a month. Actually our SS pgm completed sometime before Aug 2010 and we met only 2 times since then and today becos of S's graduation. So, all in all, its one time in 2months. She does have major authority issue.
For me, I told her that my ego was dented because she doesn't want to listen to me at all, she didn't open up to me at all. Of course for me, after I knew about Ace of Diamond and Ten of Spade issue, I accepted her reluctance to open to me. And I had an alternative tot, its good to have a group of friends that I don't have to share my Light.
I found that she has only one door and she seldom opens it. For me, I have few layers of doors, so I can open them confidently. For her, since it is only one door, she really has to be more choosy to open it. The last time she open her door was few years ago and she was given wrong advice. Great insight and somehow it dispel my ego denture on her not opening to me at all. Now I know it is not 'personal' and need not take it as a rejection per se.
And besides she doesn't even open to Wayne Dyer who told her "Infinite patience brings immediate results".
Father, I like the message to me, Infinite patience brings immediate results.
Today I met another Controller who is beautiful. This time no envious feeling and I tot of introducing her to Z. Then a tot came, Z can do his own hunting and besides I want Z to hunt me, so why sabotage my own chance.
Father, great bonding with S and F. Thank U.
Today also received kudos from P on my website. To receive from her is a big honour as P has great insights and writes so well.
Father, I am so happy. Just now while waiting for S, I start to dance to the music. This time I am standing dancing. My feet moves on its own, real dancing, the sense of two left feet is gone. Father, I want to dance. So, Friday is a good time for me to do dancing. I recalled natal chart says I can dance. Let's try that. Amen.
I don't know if my body can respond passionately to a man's touch. But I want my body to respond to music, a safer choice. I want to dance. I want to feel connected with my body. I already connect with my emotion and now I want my body.
The Passion Test
You can never know what will show up in ur life. You can only stay open to what is required of u in the present moment.
When u let go of the way u think things should be and open yourself to the way they are appearing, u open yourself to the will of God, to the perfect organising power of Nature.
Soul
Yea, I tot now the focus in on writing and here Z suddenly made inroad into my life. Its ironic, we met about 1 year ago and nothing happen but 2 months back, we suddenly click on the banana.
At first I tot not good timing as I need my balance to focus on my writing as I am not confident yet. But little did I knew that by opening up, I let him helped me with my control issue and I finally knew why I couldn't response with passion. And now I want to do dancing. And 2 months later, can do scuba diving.
Father, I now want to connect and experience my bodily function. It started with effortless yoga and morning walk, then effortless swimming, then now dancing and later scuba diving. When I met the right partner, I want to slow dance, to have passionate love making.
The Passion Test
Every single thing u can see that was created by man was an idea in someone's mind at one time. If u want to create the life of ur dreams, it begins by writing your dreams down and becoming as clear as possible.
The power of intention and attention is what brings ideas into concrete form. When u have intention and attention with no tension, then the whole process becomes fun.
Soul
Father, now that I can dance and express my emotion, I no longer feared of not having good food. I still like it and I was pleasantly surprised at the food today. Father, I love U. I love mySelf. Amen.
Facing my karma in relationship (14)
Jan 23 Aft
Father, no reply from Z after half day. At first I start to think I don't care if he doesn't reply. Then second tot is that's no true and its my defense mechanism operating cos I took it as personal rejection.
So, I say that I want to have his reply but if he doesn't I am fine too. Then an alternative tot came, if he wanted to be my man, that's msg basically put him as a friend and I don't think he want that. Aiyah, compulsive tot. Its enough.
I had a great time at the wet market today. Wet market is my hobby. I like it becos the people are real, no "mask" or "clothes" to hide and also it has my food whereby I too can be myself. I found myself grinning throughout the trip. When I went a crowd and sense a drop in energy, I automatically goes for breathe watching to keep me grounded.
7thunder Card - Queen of Spades
Queens have their greatest power in the feminine, receptive mode. To truly receive, we must attain that state of mind in which we allow everything to come to us without hesitation.
Once we does that, we allow ourselves to experience more joy and success.
Today card - Eight of Heart
Card of considerable emotional power, charm and personal magnetism.
It is an indicator of having healing energy, a 'spiritual force' gathering in u, a force u can use to better ur life in many ways.
It can bring u more social fun, better intimate relationships or more success in ur business.
Soul
So apt, I have finally let go of my Control cast and let Mars come out. And when it is out, I operate less from projection of hidden defense mechanism that can self-sabotage me. I am alive and I am open to life.
Finally he replied saying he got back late and just woke up. I replied, "happy hunting".
For now, I will be myself.
Father, no reply from Z after half day. At first I start to think I don't care if he doesn't reply. Then second tot is that's no true and its my defense mechanism operating cos I took it as personal rejection.
So, I say that I want to have his reply but if he doesn't I am fine too. Then an alternative tot came, if he wanted to be my man, that's msg basically put him as a friend and I don't think he want that. Aiyah, compulsive tot. Its enough.
I had a great time at the wet market today. Wet market is my hobby. I like it becos the people are real, no "mask" or "clothes" to hide and also it has my food whereby I too can be myself. I found myself grinning throughout the trip. When I went a crowd and sense a drop in energy, I automatically goes for breathe watching to keep me grounded.
7thunder Card - Queen of Spades
Queens have their greatest power in the feminine, receptive mode. To truly receive, we must attain that state of mind in which we allow everything to come to us without hesitation.
Once we does that, we allow ourselves to experience more joy and success.
Today card - Eight of Heart
Card of considerable emotional power, charm and personal magnetism.
It is an indicator of having healing energy, a 'spiritual force' gathering in u, a force u can use to better ur life in many ways.
It can bring u more social fun, better intimate relationships or more success in ur business.
Soul
So apt, I have finally let go of my Control cast and let Mars come out. And when it is out, I operate less from projection of hidden defense mechanism that can self-sabotage me. I am alive and I am open to life.
Finally he replied saying he got back late and just woke up. I replied, "happy hunting".
For now, I will be myself.
Facing my karma in relationship (13)
Jan 23
The only reservation I have about Z is indian food and also he wants children.
Frankly both also am not keen.
But RA is putting me a hold back on this.
So, will be open. Besides, I am attracted to him mentally, emotionally and physically. So, just be open and see where it goes.
At least he likes banana and we both like water.
Reading my Mars Natal Chart - I think 80 percent is out becos my eros were suppressed all these years. Anyway, coincidentally I just bought the right flower essence today. Everything is falling into place.
On Friday afternoon, my website become alive, in the evening Z opens up and the Saturday afternoon, I had the tarot reading and bought Eros flower essence and in the evening I was opened up by Z's sharing and become alive. And now reading my issue of MARS, really apt and for the first time I will attend to it. I want to live, I want to bring my emotion and body back again. It has stopped since I was a primary school kid, closed for more than 30 odd years.
Father, I am attracted to Z and I wants to liberate myself with him. A tot came, just 'enjoy' him and don't worry about the ending. But a second tot came in, I can no longer dismissed him after yday conversation. He is a man to be reckoned with. He is intentional and purposeful. He goes for what he wants. I wish to learn that from him. I always shy away from what I want.
The only reservation I have about Z is indian food and also he wants children.
Frankly both also am not keen.
But RA is putting me a hold back on this.
So, will be open. Besides, I am attracted to him mentally, emotionally and physically. So, just be open and see where it goes.
At least he likes banana and we both like water.
Reading my Mars Natal Chart - I think 80 percent is out becos my eros were suppressed all these years. Anyway, coincidentally I just bought the right flower essence today. Everything is falling into place.
On Friday afternoon, my website become alive, in the evening Z opens up and the Saturday afternoon, I had the tarot reading and bought Eros flower essence and in the evening I was opened up by Z's sharing and become alive. And now reading my issue of MARS, really apt and for the first time I will attend to it. I want to live, I want to bring my emotion and body back again. It has stopped since I was a primary school kid, closed for more than 30 odd years.
Father, I am attracted to Z and I wants to liberate myself with him. A tot came, just 'enjoy' him and don't worry about the ending. But a second tot came in, I can no longer dismissed him after yday conversation. He is a man to be reckoned with. He is intentional and purposeful. He goes for what he wants. I wish to learn that from him. I always shy away from what I want.
I am transforming (11)
Jan 22 Eve
Father, Z is my Cosmic Reward. Yesterday in his ernesty to seek my understanding of his one-track mind in wanting to be physical with me, he has unknowingly gave me an insight of myself.
Z said that his mode is emotion, mental and then body.
Emotion as he has liking for the gal, then he tot of how to get the gal and when he got the gal, he wants to be with her physically.
I shared that mine was mental, emotional and body. Of course, my mental is on the very high side that emotional and body is literally cut down. I was cold and frigid. I show emotion only when I am eating.
I told him that after meditation, I can now express my emotion and my body is so nimble now. My body can automatically swayed to any music playing in the background.
So, both emotion and body is in operation mode now. And with samyama, I can opt to use my mind or not.
Amazing. Thanks Z
Father, I am alive now!
And ironically I am going to meet A after a 2 year lapse. He was the one who triggered me into this inner journey. Hug to him.
(Feb 1 - met him yesterday. He came with his wife and I was comfortable with both of them. I have forgiven my Past. I am happy again)
Father, thank U. Now everything falls in place.
Just text Z.
Thank U so much. Ur sharing yesterday has unknowingly helped me to clear my own issue. I had a good cry and laugh its all released. Big Hug :)
(Feb 1 - he says he couldn't understand my text and hence didn't reply. But he text me the following day for acknowledgement of receipt.)
Soul
I am so happy. I finally found mySelf. I am alive now. I am not even thinking of Z's potential. I have learned from him. Now I am liberated from my past, from everyone. I am at peace.
(Feb 1 - With my control cast gone, I have fell into a confession. While there is no response, but it was a breakthru for me. And I know this is a preclude to the Samurai Training programme that is happening next weekend.)
Father, Z is my Cosmic Reward. Yesterday in his ernesty to seek my understanding of his one-track mind in wanting to be physical with me, he has unknowingly gave me an insight of myself.
Z said that his mode is emotion, mental and then body.
Emotion as he has liking for the gal, then he tot of how to get the gal and when he got the gal, he wants to be with her physically.
I shared that mine was mental, emotional and body. Of course, my mental is on the very high side that emotional and body is literally cut down. I was cold and frigid. I show emotion only when I am eating.
I told him that after meditation, I can now express my emotion and my body is so nimble now. My body can automatically swayed to any music playing in the background.
So, both emotion and body is in operation mode now. And with samyama, I can opt to use my mind or not.
Amazing. Thanks Z
Father, I am alive now!
And ironically I am going to meet A after a 2 year lapse. He was the one who triggered me into this inner journey. Hug to him.
(Feb 1 - met him yesterday. He came with his wife and I was comfortable with both of them. I have forgiven my Past. I am happy again)
Father, thank U. Now everything falls in place.
Just text Z.
Thank U so much. Ur sharing yesterday has unknowingly helped me to clear my own issue. I had a good cry and laugh its all released. Big Hug :)
(Feb 1 - he says he couldn't understand my text and hence didn't reply. But he text me the following day for acknowledgement of receipt.)
Soul
I am so happy. I finally found mySelf. I am alive now. I am not even thinking of Z's potential. I have learned from him. Now I am liberated from my past, from everyone. I am at peace.
(Feb 1 - With my control cast gone, I have fell into a confession. While there is no response, but it was a breakthru for me. And I know this is a preclude to the Samurai Training programme that is happening next weekend.)
I am transforming (10)
Jan 22 Aft (Osho card picked up in New Age's centre)
1. Issue
Solar Plexus - defense mechanism due to lack of self confidence, self esteem
2. Internal influence
The Wall of protection
3. External influence
Exhaustion
5. What to do
Experiencing - living in the moment.
4. Resolution
Letting Go
I express that I am now in the middle of creating a new career in writing, having to prove my worth again now that I drop the corporate career. I am not sure if I am good enough.
Soul
I woke up and now I knew what the card meant.
First tot is my love life is effortless.
Then I had a quick question, why the cards?
Answer came;
The Past is gone and I need not hold on to It.
My old cast is gone. My wish is coming true
It was encouraging me that I am on track.
Amen
Its time to live in the spring time of my life.
Father, no wonder I somehow didn't like the mode of interpretation.
Just came out of shower. I received the text from F. Looks like I was defensive yday and retorted too fast. Later no reply, I try to cover by sending her a 2nd text. When there was no reply, I judged her, which she did few hours later
Father, its true. I really seek approval from people. Just like the discovery on having to say No at office. I used to keep quiet to keep peace and to ensure I m liked. It was so easy, to be in control.
These days, without the cast, when I am piss, I just reacted. And then I piss people off and I worried I lost people's liking for me, their view of me being a mature, emotional controlled, reasonable person.
Alas, that's what LY saw of me, the hidden defense mechanism of reaction. I wasn't able to react. And that's why I wasn't able to feel the arousal or respond when people kiss me. My mind controlled my emotion and body.
I used to judge J, A, M for their reactionary mode. In my case, I cannot react. Now alas, I can react.
So, its a happy problem that control cast is gone. I can react and give expression to. both positive and negative tots. I can now dance
Just now in the shop, they switched on music and I found my body moving and swaying without any conscious tots.
Hurray! I can now react! Now need not feel guilty nor worry about the loss of my old controlled image.
1. Issue
Solar Plexus - defense mechanism due to lack of self confidence, self esteem
2. Internal influence
The Wall of protection
3. External influence
Exhaustion
5. What to do
Experiencing - living in the moment.
4. Resolution
Letting Go
I express that I am now in the middle of creating a new career in writing, having to prove my worth again now that I drop the corporate career. I am not sure if I am good enough.
Soul
I woke up and now I knew what the card meant.
First tot is my love life is effortless.
Then I had a quick question, why the cards?
Answer came;
The Past is gone and I need not hold on to It.
My old cast is gone. My wish is coming true
It was encouraging me that I am on track.
Amen
Its time to live in the spring time of my life.
Father, no wonder I somehow didn't like the mode of interpretation.
Just came out of shower. I received the text from F. Looks like I was defensive yday and retorted too fast. Later no reply, I try to cover by sending her a 2nd text. When there was no reply, I judged her, which she did few hours later
Father, its true. I really seek approval from people. Just like the discovery on having to say No at office. I used to keep quiet to keep peace and to ensure I m liked. It was so easy, to be in control.
These days, without the cast, when I am piss, I just reacted. And then I piss people off and I worried I lost people's liking for me, their view of me being a mature, emotional controlled, reasonable person.
Alas, that's what LY saw of me, the hidden defense mechanism of reaction. I wasn't able to react. And that's why I wasn't able to feel the arousal or respond when people kiss me. My mind controlled my emotion and body.
I used to judge J, A, M for their reactionary mode. In my case, I cannot react. Now alas, I can react.
So, its a happy problem that control cast is gone. I can react and give expression to. both positive and negative tots. I can now dance
Just now in the shop, they switched on music and I found my body moving and swaying without any conscious tots.
Hurray! I can now react! Now need not feel guilty nor worry about the loss of my old controlled image.
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