Feb 10 Aft
Soul
Was having tots of yesterday 3 hours of intense conversation, covering our dreams, fantasy, past, our reaction towards each other. Was giving myself hope that Z wanted to be my partner. Anyway, I dashed it. His Jack of Diamond states that he has the upper hand in relationship. He can be involved with a person physically and be emotionally detached. To him physical and emotion are two different matters.
I will remember he is just a good friend who wants to be my Sex Therapist because he wants to be happily married to another man.
1. The Issue
Slowing down
It is a time when u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about yourself or other people and to take responsibility for any illusions you might have been carrying.
There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who u r right now.
If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is, and u r able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already home.
Soul
My illusion that Z wanted to be my committed partner. He just want to be non-commital sex therapist.
There goes my little hope of valentine gift.
I don't need to do anything now. Infact he more excited about it than me.
I have courageously open up all my doors to Z.
2. Internal Influence
Transformation
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity".
Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And, like death, it takes u from one dimension into other.
Soul
About me accepting Z's ultimatum of no commitment but is willing to be my sex therapist and friend.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Facing my karma in relationship (26) - courage
Feb 10
Father, amazing nite. We spoke for 3 hours yesterday.
I am not sure if I can go thru with this relationship. He offers a relationship without any commitment, just companionship. Really unknown.
Suddenly tot of the Courage card needed to go thru Unknown. Inner was Transformation. What to do was - Creator, using passion to transform.
Resolution - release of all suppression.
So, I have to go through with this.
What I know is I am taking this becos it is part of my destiny, breaking through my limitation, my fear.
What I know is that my practices will help me to stay focus
What I know is I have a real thing. I dreamt of someone helping me to overcome my issue. Someone that understand. The only thing is that he is not in love with me, he is only doing this to help me, he can walk out any time.
What I know is that Z is a real diamond that is not mine. And he said that I am not in his mind and he doesn't miss me.
However, the fact that he was affected by me, the fact that he was triggered and he said he wanted to walk off. The fact that to him, I made him 'angry'. He do care for me and he will stop it if he finds that I cannot handle it.
Aiyoh, really scary. But I know that God is helping me. Without boss's intervention, I couldn't have come to this stage.
Just finished meditation. I was disappointed that he didn't want to be my potential partner and he just want to have sex with me. He is a good friend who volunteer to be my Sexual therapist because he cares for me and wants me to be happily married to another man.
I need not have to go all the way, I just want to test if I can respond sexually.
What a turn of event. Perhaps this is the best way to break my fear. A partner will have his own insecurities and would not be able to do this with me.
Because Z is not in love with me, he can help me to break free of my sexual issue. Amen.
So is a perfect solution.
Father, amazing nite. We spoke for 3 hours yesterday.
I am not sure if I can go thru with this relationship. He offers a relationship without any commitment, just companionship. Really unknown.
Suddenly tot of the Courage card needed to go thru Unknown. Inner was Transformation. What to do was - Creator, using passion to transform.
Resolution - release of all suppression.
So, I have to go through with this.
What I know is I am taking this becos it is part of my destiny, breaking through my limitation, my fear.
What I know is that my practices will help me to stay focus
What I know is I have a real thing. I dreamt of someone helping me to overcome my issue. Someone that understand. The only thing is that he is not in love with me, he is only doing this to help me, he can walk out any time.
What I know is that Z is a real diamond that is not mine. And he said that I am not in his mind and he doesn't miss me.
However, the fact that he was affected by me, the fact that he was triggered and he said he wanted to walk off. The fact that to him, I made him 'angry'. He do care for me and he will stop it if he finds that I cannot handle it.
Aiyoh, really scary. But I know that God is helping me. Without boss's intervention, I couldn't have come to this stage.
Just finished meditation. I was disappointed that he didn't want to be my potential partner and he just want to have sex with me. He is a good friend who volunteer to be my Sexual therapist because he cares for me and wants me to be happily married to another man.
I need not have to go all the way, I just want to test if I can respond sexually.
What a turn of event. Perhaps this is the best way to break my fear. A partner will have his own insecurities and would not be able to do this with me.
Because Z is not in love with me, he can help me to break free of my sexual issue. Amen.
So is a perfect solution.
Facing my karma in relationship (25) - breakthru
Feb 9 Aft
Father, just had a chat with boss. She asked about Z and I shared with her.
I told her that I m in a period of uncertainty. I know Z likes me but I think not as much as I like him.
I told her about Z always asking me the personal question; "Why am I not married?" to "Why don't I want to settle down?". He asked it everytime we meet. I told boss that I either ignored it and infact told him bluntly that we are not that close, so I can't tell him. The latest was I told him that relationship is uncertain, so I don't go into it.
Luckily, I was saved by the call from his brother or I will self jeopardize myself.
She also said that Z is definitely interested in me for him to ask me so many times. Z wanted to be sure that I want to settle down. He don't want to waste his time going out with someone that doesn't want to settle down.
I told her that Z's plan is to be settled by early 2012 and he gave himself 1 year for the relationship. So, that further confirmed her assessment.
Boss said Z is very brave to put himself up for rejection. I could have just said nope and that would be the end. Boss said she is puzzled on why I was defensive.
Boss said this is a good man. There are many men, but very few good man and I should keep him. I told her that I saw his value and I know he is good. Boss said that I have not open up to Z, the way he had. And infact, Z should feel more uncertain than me. He should be the one calling it off instead of me.
Boss said that once I tell Z that I am interested in settling down then the relationship will progress and not in stale mate like now. I was the one who is keeping it on stale mate, not Z.
I told her I did tell him that I like him and want to do things together. He responded by asking me again on "settling down" again. He asked why I don't want to settle down. He even said that he thinks I don't want to settle down. When I asked why he thinks that, he replied he doesn't know 'why'. Boss said this confirmed that he is definitely interested in me.
Earlier I tot is was because firstly he was fooling around, teasing me. Secondly I tot he was just being a busybody, invading my privacy.
Boss told me that uncertainty is the base of relationship. If I can't stand uncertainty, how to have relationship.
Father, Z really like me. I am now feeling love for myself. I have just text Z that I want to call him tonite.
Now I believed that there is a bigger possibility for me to have a relationship with Z.
Now I have more confidence of my card for the day;
King of Heart
Brings success in dealing with our own emotions, success with the public, artistic field and romantic success in one form or another.
For ladies, the King of Hearts represents the perfect lover or companion and so it often indicates having an enjoyable sexual relationship or in some cases, marriage.
Soul
I now know it is possible. Amen. Thank U.
I also recalled another thing. I asked Z how he shows his love, he said through eye contact.
(Soul - yea..he always asked me to open my eyes...)
I recalled when we were having dinner. He was watching me, saying that I looked hot. He noticed I avoided his gaze and he asked me to look into his eyes. Father, I even asked him to change topic as he is making me blush. Aiyoh.
I also told boss that Z said a few times that he wants to break away all my doors as I keep on saying that I can't answer him because he hasn't reach the inner door. Boss said that shows he is keen on me, otherwise he wouldn't be breaking the doors.
Like boss says, Z should be the one running off, not me.
(Mar 19 - when i called him, he said he would have given up on me if I haven't call him. He has enough of my yo yo. I am giving him 'hell'!)
Father, just had a chat with boss. She asked about Z and I shared with her.
I told her that I m in a period of uncertainty. I know Z likes me but I think not as much as I like him.
I told her about Z always asking me the personal question; "Why am I not married?" to "Why don't I want to settle down?". He asked it everytime we meet. I told boss that I either ignored it and infact told him bluntly that we are not that close, so I can't tell him. The latest was I told him that relationship is uncertain, so I don't go into it.
Luckily, I was saved by the call from his brother or I will self jeopardize myself.
She also said that Z is definitely interested in me for him to ask me so many times. Z wanted to be sure that I want to settle down. He don't want to waste his time going out with someone that doesn't want to settle down.
I told her that Z's plan is to be settled by early 2012 and he gave himself 1 year for the relationship. So, that further confirmed her assessment.
Boss said Z is very brave to put himself up for rejection. I could have just said nope and that would be the end. Boss said she is puzzled on why I was defensive.
Boss said this is a good man. There are many men, but very few good man and I should keep him. I told her that I saw his value and I know he is good. Boss said that I have not open up to Z, the way he had. And infact, Z should feel more uncertain than me. He should be the one calling it off instead of me.
Boss said that once I tell Z that I am interested in settling down then the relationship will progress and not in stale mate like now. I was the one who is keeping it on stale mate, not Z.
I told her I did tell him that I like him and want to do things together. He responded by asking me again on "settling down" again. He asked why I don't want to settle down. He even said that he thinks I don't want to settle down. When I asked why he thinks that, he replied he doesn't know 'why'. Boss said this confirmed that he is definitely interested in me.
Earlier I tot is was because firstly he was fooling around, teasing me. Secondly I tot he was just being a busybody, invading my privacy.
Boss told me that uncertainty is the base of relationship. If I can't stand uncertainty, how to have relationship.
Father, Z really like me. I am now feeling love for myself. I have just text Z that I want to call him tonite.
Now I believed that there is a bigger possibility for me to have a relationship with Z.
Now I have more confidence of my card for the day;
King of Heart
Brings success in dealing with our own emotions, success with the public, artistic field and romantic success in one form or another.
For ladies, the King of Hearts represents the perfect lover or companion and so it often indicates having an enjoyable sexual relationship or in some cases, marriage.
Soul
I now know it is possible. Amen. Thank U.
I also recalled another thing. I asked Z how he shows his love, he said through eye contact.
(Soul - yea..he always asked me to open my eyes...)
I recalled when we were having dinner. He was watching me, saying that I looked hot. He noticed I avoided his gaze and he asked me to look into his eyes. Father, I even asked him to change topic as he is making me blush. Aiyoh.
I also told boss that Z said a few times that he wants to break away all my doors as I keep on saying that I can't answer him because he hasn't reach the inner door. Boss said that shows he is keen on me, otherwise he wouldn't be breaking the doors.
Like boss says, Z should be the one running off, not me.
(Mar 19 - when i called him, he said he would have given up on me if I haven't call him. He has enough of my yo yo. I am giving him 'hell'!)
Facing my karma in relationship (24)
Feb 9
Father, he replied with a smile after 1 hour. Anyway, I was sleeping by then.
I tot why spend so much time on him. He is in my mind loads and part of me resent it cos I know I am not in his. And yet I can't get rid of him. The old me would do a self jeopardy just to end it.
Hey, having a loving husband is in my Top 5 list, so its fine I am spending time on him. Intention and Attention but without Tension, that's my motto.
I now realised whenever I seek him to give him love, I am fine if I can't get his response. But if I seek him to extract love then I be bad if I can't get him.
Sadhguru's message of give joyously if u want to give. Don't discriminate or judge as the sun shines on all. And this reaffirm the earlier message from the Passion Test, Jay Abraham that says if u want love give love.
So, learn 2 things that I need to do.
1. Seek him only when I want to give love
2. When I give love, give joyously, forget about his reciprocation, if any.
To do that I need trust in the Universe for the messages I have received.
The Passion Test
Stephen M R Covey
Trust is a great form of motivation of releasing talent, energy, passion;
of releasing ur own energy and passion by being trusted and also by extending trust to other people.
Today card
King of Hearts
Being the highest card in the suit of love, rules through love, compassion and wisdom. He has all the power and knowledge of love and knows how to use it, thus when this card appears, it gives u the opportunity to have more control over ur feelings and romantic impulses. This will bring more success in all ur personal relationships.
For the ladies, it represents the perfect lover or companion.
Soul
Sounds good. Will see. First tot was Z seeing me today. 2nd tot is that it may not happen but I definitely talk to him tonite.
The Samurai Game
Each player to adopt an attitude of service of the sort that was at the core of being a Samurai - service to teammates (clan), service to leader (daimyo), service to a personal idea or code of ethics.
Also each player was to serve all opponents by respectfully bringing the best of self to every contest - regardless of outcome. In so doing, each contestant would have the potential to generate similar attitudes in opponents.
Soul
Being the best of self even with opponents. And here I am not even being my best self with Z. If I be my best self, there is a potential that Z will also be his best self.
Talking to Sh gives me back my original purpose. My target audience are thinkers who can apply knowledge on themselves.
My forte is filtering and I gave the gist of learnings from each book. That was my purpose.
I need to do 2 facebook:
1. One for my comments on books.
2. One for my tots of the day??
Father, he replied with a smile after 1 hour. Anyway, I was sleeping by then.
I tot why spend so much time on him. He is in my mind loads and part of me resent it cos I know I am not in his. And yet I can't get rid of him. The old me would do a self jeopardy just to end it.
Hey, having a loving husband is in my Top 5 list, so its fine I am spending time on him. Intention and Attention but without Tension, that's my motto.
I now realised whenever I seek him to give him love, I am fine if I can't get his response. But if I seek him to extract love then I be bad if I can't get him.
Sadhguru's message of give joyously if u want to give. Don't discriminate or judge as the sun shines on all. And this reaffirm the earlier message from the Passion Test, Jay Abraham that says if u want love give love.
So, learn 2 things that I need to do.
1. Seek him only when I want to give love
2. When I give love, give joyously, forget about his reciprocation, if any.
To do that I need trust in the Universe for the messages I have received.
The Passion Test
Stephen M R Covey
Trust is a great form of motivation of releasing talent, energy, passion;
of releasing ur own energy and passion by being trusted and also by extending trust to other people.
Today card
King of Hearts
Being the highest card in the suit of love, rules through love, compassion and wisdom. He has all the power and knowledge of love and knows how to use it, thus when this card appears, it gives u the opportunity to have more control over ur feelings and romantic impulses. This will bring more success in all ur personal relationships.
For the ladies, it represents the perfect lover or companion.
Soul
Sounds good. Will see. First tot was Z seeing me today. 2nd tot is that it may not happen but I definitely talk to him tonite.
The Samurai Game
Each player to adopt an attitude of service of the sort that was at the core of being a Samurai - service to teammates (clan), service to leader (daimyo), service to a personal idea or code of ethics.
Also each player was to serve all opponents by respectfully bringing the best of self to every contest - regardless of outcome. In so doing, each contestant would have the potential to generate similar attitudes in opponents.
Soul
Being the best of self even with opponents. And here I am not even being my best self with Z. If I be my best self, there is a potential that Z will also be his best self.
Talking to Sh gives me back my original purpose. My target audience are thinkers who can apply knowledge on themselves.
My forte is filtering and I gave the gist of learnings from each book. That was my purpose.
I need to do 2 facebook:
1. One for my comments on books.
2. One for my tots of the day??
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Samyama is a good tool (8)
Feb 8 Eve
Father, take Z as an icon. Both he and MF, a Seven of Spades still dreams on despite having so many setbacks. MF in terms of work, Z in terms of relationship.
Just now heard a text, hope it was from him but alas it wasn't. Move on.
Did my meditation. It was good. I felt much calmer and the screaming helps to release the inner tension. I am not as angry as before for having to undertake this challenge with Z. I deserved to be happily loved.
Sadhguru - Himalayan Lust
There is an endemic problem with people. People always want to know whether they are going to the right place or not. If they water the garden, they want to make sure they are watering only the fruit-bearing trees, not the weeds. If they give money to somebody, they would like to give to somebody who deserves it, not to somebody who doesn't deserves it. Is he exploiting me?
Now the sun rose in the morning, gave himself totally to the weeds and the flowering trees and the fruit-bearing trees, to the good man, the evil man, criminals, saints, the same way.
The little, petty things that u have to give, why do u calculate so much about making a mess out of ur life? If u have something to give, u give. Whether that person deserves it or not, that's none of ur business. If u don't want to give, don't give; that is also okay.
U want to give, so you give joyfully.
Why do u calculate? Because u want to know, whatever u r giving, if its earning u good enough marks. This is very bad karma. It is not necessary for u to keep accounts of what to give.
The giving is about u, not about the other person. Be glad there is somebody to receive.
Soul
Suddenly tot of me resist to give to Z because of its uncertainty, I don't want to lose out.
For the beggars, these days I have changed I tend to give whoever asked me. I don't care if they r real or not, they are pitiable and I have the money. And if they are willing to go thru such drastic measure to get money, I salute them and give. As for those who are 'commercialised", making their owner richer, at least by my giving, they got their food.
Sadhguru
There are too many forces working on the physical world, too many; we will never control all of them.
The only way to take charge of life is to distance urself from the physical (mind and body). Once u distance urself from the physical, u r in complete charge of ur life, hundred percent.
If u r a part-time yogi who practices at least a few hours a day, u r focusing on what to do with ur interiority, then it will happen very quick.
If u do only 20 min yoga, it will still happen, but it will take a longer time because u r taking small doses. With such a small dose, it will take much longer. If u increase the dosage, it will work fast.
So for those of u who think that u have a million year life span can go slowly. Those of u who know that they have a very short lifespan, those of u who are already grey, must hasten up, because it's a very brief life. There is no time to go in small doses. U should increase the dosage.
Soul
Samyama very important.
Aiyah, as I was reading this, I tot of Z who said I was crazy for waking up at 4 am to do my practices. I was laughing and tot to share the article with him. I text him without any reservation. No mind here. Anyway, he didn't reply. So, don't have to follow through. Yea!
Father, if I don't think so much, I just want to be with him. Its only when I think and calculate on its possible outcome that I pulled back. Its like what Sadhguru says if u want to give, u give joyfully. Don't spend time agonising if the person is worthy or not.
Father, take Z as an icon. Both he and MF, a Seven of Spades still dreams on despite having so many setbacks. MF in terms of work, Z in terms of relationship.
Just now heard a text, hope it was from him but alas it wasn't. Move on.
Did my meditation. It was good. I felt much calmer and the screaming helps to release the inner tension. I am not as angry as before for having to undertake this challenge with Z. I deserved to be happily loved.
Sadhguru - Himalayan Lust
There is an endemic problem with people. People always want to know whether they are going to the right place or not. If they water the garden, they want to make sure they are watering only the fruit-bearing trees, not the weeds. If they give money to somebody, they would like to give to somebody who deserves it, not to somebody who doesn't deserves it. Is he exploiting me?
Now the sun rose in the morning, gave himself totally to the weeds and the flowering trees and the fruit-bearing trees, to the good man, the evil man, criminals, saints, the same way.
The little, petty things that u have to give, why do u calculate so much about making a mess out of ur life? If u have something to give, u give. Whether that person deserves it or not, that's none of ur business. If u don't want to give, don't give; that is also okay.
U want to give, so you give joyfully.
Why do u calculate? Because u want to know, whatever u r giving, if its earning u good enough marks. This is very bad karma. It is not necessary for u to keep accounts of what to give.
The giving is about u, not about the other person. Be glad there is somebody to receive.
Soul
Suddenly tot of me resist to give to Z because of its uncertainty, I don't want to lose out.
For the beggars, these days I have changed I tend to give whoever asked me. I don't care if they r real or not, they are pitiable and I have the money. And if they are willing to go thru such drastic measure to get money, I salute them and give. As for those who are 'commercialised", making their owner richer, at least by my giving, they got their food.
Sadhguru
There are too many forces working on the physical world, too many; we will never control all of them.
The only way to take charge of life is to distance urself from the physical (mind and body). Once u distance urself from the physical, u r in complete charge of ur life, hundred percent.
If u r a part-time yogi who practices at least a few hours a day, u r focusing on what to do with ur interiority, then it will happen very quick.
If u do only 20 min yoga, it will still happen, but it will take a longer time because u r taking small doses. With such a small dose, it will take much longer. If u increase the dosage, it will work fast.
So for those of u who think that u have a million year life span can go slowly. Those of u who know that they have a very short lifespan, those of u who are already grey, must hasten up, because it's a very brief life. There is no time to go in small doses. U should increase the dosage.
Soul
Samyama very important.
Aiyah, as I was reading this, I tot of Z who said I was crazy for waking up at 4 am to do my practices. I was laughing and tot to share the article with him. I text him without any reservation. No mind here. Anyway, he didn't reply. So, don't have to follow through. Yea!
Father, if I don't think so much, I just want to be with him. Its only when I think and calculate on its possible outcome that I pulled back. Its like what Sadhguru says if u want to give, u give joyfully. Don't spend time agonising if the person is worthy or not.
Facing my karma in relationship (23)
Feb 8 Aft
Just finished my shoonya. It was great, I was laughing non-stop despite my emotion being bit-off due to Z. Looks like there is no worries as my inner joy is intact and not affected by my outer circumstances.
Osho
1. The Issue
Slowing Down
Each moment one has to be at ease with yourself. Do whatsoever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm and centred.
It is a time when u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about urself or other people, and to take responsibility for any illusions u might have been carrying.
There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who u r right now.
This is the time for acceptance of what is.
Just like the tortoise, we carry our home with us wherever we go. There is no need to hurry, no need to seek shelter elsewhere. Even as we move into the depths of the emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachment.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.
Soul
Yea. Will follow thru and stay with this. Mmm, just realised. Its like swimming, part of me wants to raise forward to finish the race, not caring if I fail or pass, I just don't want to be in space whereby I am not in control and chance of failure is looming, a place of uncertainty. Even willing to fail so that
Never mind, just slow down. I need to face this period of uncertainty. Remember its not the destination/outcome that is the challenge. My real challenge is being in the period of uncertainty. I must remember we r safe and my inner joy is intact. Just flow. I am safe. Amen.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to balance
Transformation
Symbols of transformation - the sword that cuts through illusion, the snake that rejuvenates itself by shedding its skin, the broken chain of limitations.
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity".
Soul
This is a period of uncertainty. I seem to be going nowhere or somewhere. And it is not within my control, I cannot do anything to direct the tide.
3. External influence of which u r aware
Courage
Long is the journey and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed.
Nothing can be guaranteed.
The sprouts starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why.
Much courage is needed.
When we r faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardship, or we can face the challenge and grow.
(Soul - seems similar with my article on my feelings towards Z; once decision is made, deal with ur insecurities)
The flower shows us the way, as its passion for life leads it out of the darkness and into the light. There is no point fighting against the challenges of life or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them.
Be courageous enough to grow into the flower u r meant to be.
Soul
So apt. I know I am not going to run from Z. So, I am feeling bit edgy. No wonder both colleagues also scared of me. I was really off when I told J that I don't need the preliminaries/greetings, just tell me what he wants. Just now E called me, I was also edgy and want him to get to the point. He was smart and hang up.
4. What is needed for resolution?
The Creator
The mystic creates himself. He doesn't work with objects, he work with the subject; he works on himself, his own being.
The Zen master has harnessed the energy of fire and is able to use it for creation rather than destruction. He is so integrated that there is no longer any difference between who he is inside and who he is in the world outside. He offers this gift of understanding and integration to all those who come to him, the gift of creative light that comes from the center of his being.
Whatever u undertake now, with the understanding that comes from maturity, will bring enrichment to our own lives and to the lives of others.
Using whatever skills u have, whatever u have learned from ur own life experience, it is time to express yourself.
Soul
Not sure. But I know I have the courage to face this period of uncertainty.
5. Resolution
Suppression
Find a healing outlet for this potential explosions. It is essential to find a way to release whatever tensions and stresses that might be building up inside. Do anything to shake ur energy and allow it to circulate freely.
Soul
I released my suppressed anger by screaming in my car, all the way home. It was great. I am freed as I now can scream. I recalled that I cannot even open up my mouth to utter a scream.
Just finished my shoonya. It was great, I was laughing non-stop despite my emotion being bit-off due to Z. Looks like there is no worries as my inner joy is intact and not affected by my outer circumstances.
Osho
1. The Issue
Slowing Down
Each moment one has to be at ease with yourself. Do whatsoever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm and centred.
It is a time when u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about urself or other people, and to take responsibility for any illusions u might have been carrying.
There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who u r right now.
This is the time for acceptance of what is.
Just like the tortoise, we carry our home with us wherever we go. There is no need to hurry, no need to seek shelter elsewhere. Even as we move into the depths of the emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachment.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.
Soul
Yea. Will follow thru and stay with this. Mmm, just realised. Its like swimming, part of me wants to raise forward to finish the race, not caring if I fail or pass, I just don't want to be in space whereby I am not in control and chance of failure is looming, a place of uncertainty. Even willing to fail so that
Never mind, just slow down. I need to face this period of uncertainty. Remember its not the destination/outcome that is the challenge. My real challenge is being in the period of uncertainty. I must remember we r safe and my inner joy is intact. Just flow. I am safe. Amen.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to balance
Transformation
Symbols of transformation - the sword that cuts through illusion, the snake that rejuvenates itself by shedding its skin, the broken chain of limitations.
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity".
Soul
This is a period of uncertainty. I seem to be going nowhere or somewhere. And it is not within my control, I cannot do anything to direct the tide.
3. External influence of which u r aware
Courage
Long is the journey and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed.
Nothing can be guaranteed.
The sprouts starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why.
Much courage is needed.
When we r faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardship, or we can face the challenge and grow.
(Soul - seems similar with my article on my feelings towards Z; once decision is made, deal with ur insecurities)
The flower shows us the way, as its passion for life leads it out of the darkness and into the light. There is no point fighting against the challenges of life or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them.
Be courageous enough to grow into the flower u r meant to be.
Soul
So apt. I know I am not going to run from Z. So, I am feeling bit edgy. No wonder both colleagues also scared of me. I was really off when I told J that I don't need the preliminaries/greetings, just tell me what he wants. Just now E called me, I was also edgy and want him to get to the point. He was smart and hang up.
4. What is needed for resolution?
The Creator
The mystic creates himself. He doesn't work with objects, he work with the subject; he works on himself, his own being.
The Zen master has harnessed the energy of fire and is able to use it for creation rather than destruction. He is so integrated that there is no longer any difference between who he is inside and who he is in the world outside. He offers this gift of understanding and integration to all those who come to him, the gift of creative light that comes from the center of his being.
Whatever u undertake now, with the understanding that comes from maturity, will bring enrichment to our own lives and to the lives of others.
Using whatever skills u have, whatever u have learned from ur own life experience, it is time to express yourself.
Soul
Not sure. But I know I have the courage to face this period of uncertainty.
5. Resolution
Suppression
Find a healing outlet for this potential explosions. It is essential to find a way to release whatever tensions and stresses that might be building up inside. Do anything to shake ur energy and allow it to circulate freely.
Soul
I released my suppressed anger by screaming in my car, all the way home. It was great. I am freed as I now can scream. I recalled that I cannot even open up my mouth to utter a scream.
Facing my karma in relationship (22)
Feb 8
Father, did my practices for about 3 hours. I was humming some songs during hatha yoga. As for shakti and shambavi, there were tots of Z. Ended by a stillness.
Father, let's face it, Z is not into me. He is a player who go after what he wants, so I cannot delude myself. I don't want to kid myself and I don't even think about valentine day. 10 days has passed and another 42 days to go. Saturn's lesson is unattachment. Let me remember that I am finally able to love my brother again and that's the miraculous part that I have accelerated from my confession and overcoming my self-judgement. So, the next 42 days should be easy.
Let me keep myself busy with my writing work. And its budget period by mid Mar, so this period will be over in a flash.
(Mar 18 - Nearly over...what a ride! Thanks to Father and all the masters who have guided me. Thanks for my Self for having the courage to go through this. It turns out he is not a player after all!)
Soul
Aiyah, having my husband with me is Top 5. So, not sure if I am reducing my Top 5 by running away from Z. I will stay put.
Ok, step by step, learn about unattachment first, learn not to take rejection personally, learn that I am still lovable. Past issue resolved and transformed. Yeap, these are the markers, so I am on the right track.
Anyway, I still have to warn him about his Jack of Spade period. This could just be an initiation and I need not think of the finale. Perhaps that was the finale and there is a next one come as I am now lovable. This is just the beginning.
(Mar 18 - it is for next year)
The Passion Test
The key is to get out of ur own way. Below are the things that can prevent u from living a passionate life;
1. False ideas
2. False concepts
3. False beliefs.
Eg of False beliefs, thinking "I am worthless", "I can"t do it", "I am not good enough", "I am not lovable".
Soul
Yeap, I am lovable. I have passed the initiation test.
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
The real fast-track path to getting everything, anything, and more than everything u want is putting others ahead of what u want and focusing on their needs, their wants, their desires, and fulfilling them.
Soul
Tot of me and Z. Yea, I believe in a rship we must know what we want and go towards fulfilling them together.
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
In order to be loved, u have to first love.
The mere opposite of what u want is what u have to give first and then u will get back the desired outcome in droves.
Soul
That one is something I am not sure. I guess its becos I tot of I don't have instead of what I have.
(Mar 18 - Mmm, i guess I was loving when I decided to pay for the trip when he said he is out of cash. But I made it cos I really appreciate his vulnerability in telling me he is down. He is so appreciative that I not only paid but didn't make him feel bad about it.)
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
Wrong question ; "Am I worthy of the goal?"
Right question; "Is the goal worth of me?".
Father, did my practices for about 3 hours. I was humming some songs during hatha yoga. As for shakti and shambavi, there were tots of Z. Ended by a stillness.
Father, let's face it, Z is not into me. He is a player who go after what he wants, so I cannot delude myself. I don't want to kid myself and I don't even think about valentine day. 10 days has passed and another 42 days to go. Saturn's lesson is unattachment. Let me remember that I am finally able to love my brother again and that's the miraculous part that I have accelerated from my confession and overcoming my self-judgement. So, the next 42 days should be easy.
Let me keep myself busy with my writing work. And its budget period by mid Mar, so this period will be over in a flash.
(Mar 18 - Nearly over...what a ride! Thanks to Father and all the masters who have guided me. Thanks for my Self for having the courage to go through this. It turns out he is not a player after all!)
Soul
Aiyah, having my husband with me is Top 5. So, not sure if I am reducing my Top 5 by running away from Z. I will stay put.
Ok, step by step, learn about unattachment first, learn not to take rejection personally, learn that I am still lovable. Past issue resolved and transformed. Yeap, these are the markers, so I am on the right track.
Anyway, I still have to warn him about his Jack of Spade period. This could just be an initiation and I need not think of the finale. Perhaps that was the finale and there is a next one come as I am now lovable. This is just the beginning.
(Mar 18 - it is for next year)
The Passion Test
The key is to get out of ur own way. Below are the things that can prevent u from living a passionate life;
1. False ideas
2. False concepts
3. False beliefs.
Eg of False beliefs, thinking "I am worthless", "I can"t do it", "I am not good enough", "I am not lovable".
Soul
Yeap, I am lovable. I have passed the initiation test.
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
The real fast-track path to getting everything, anything, and more than everything u want is putting others ahead of what u want and focusing on their needs, their wants, their desires, and fulfilling them.
Soul
Tot of me and Z. Yea, I believe in a rship we must know what we want and go towards fulfilling them together.
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
In order to be loved, u have to first love.
The mere opposite of what u want is what u have to give first and then u will get back the desired outcome in droves.
Soul
That one is something I am not sure. I guess its becos I tot of I don't have instead of what I have.
(Mar 18 - Mmm, i guess I was loving when I decided to pay for the trip when he said he is out of cash. But I made it cos I really appreciate his vulnerability in telling me he is down. He is so appreciative that I not only paid but didn't make him feel bad about it.)
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
Wrong question ; "Am I worthy of the goal?"
Right question; "Is the goal worth of me?".
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