Feb 14
A tot came; Z said "I am the only one that knows about his dream." I am the only one that knows about his life."
I just realised that he doesn't touch people because he is actually a private person and like me, he too has many layers. Perhaps now that he knows about me, he wanted to slow down too. So, give him time. Need not follow my time. I can be impatient.
A tot just came. I recalled I repeatedly told him I only date guys with brain, and he sheepishly said that's not him, he is only average. I wonder if he talks about non-commitment becos of me. He gave me the story of d gal to tell me that I have no worries.
Aiyoh. I just know one thing he does want me. He behaves like a Jack only when he is with me. Other times he is behaves like a mature adult, with other sometimes he crack some jokes. And I knows I want him. Just like I learnt during the swim in the Resort. Just see on what's is here and now, don't have to see the future. What will happen, will happen.
Father, I realised what I lost is just my pride at the moment. I am coming to 44, why do I need to worry about that? Like H said, nearly half lifetime is gone. I just text him. Amen.
Courage is ability to lose. Instead of thinking of I lost, why don't I think it makes him happy to know I want him too.
Found this by Ekhart Tolle in New Earth
As the ego is no longer running your life, the psychological need for external security, which is illusory anyway, lessens. You are able to live with uncertainty, even enjoy it. When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life. It means fear is no longer a dominant factor in what you do and no longer prevents you from taking action to initiate change.
If uncertainty is unacceptable - it turns to fear
If uncertainty is acceptable - it turns into increased aliveness, alertness and creativity.
Soul
Whatever happens, I am initiating change towards my Top 5. And I really want him.
He rejected. At first I took it badly and I said I want out. Having a rship cause more problem. I then stop myself, I just said it is a happy problem, one that I didn't have for many years.
Then a tot came, he can't come cos he is not coming to volunteer meet and he did say we go out separately one day...which means another time. This is not rejection.
Father, my negative tots are so auto. Anyway, I feel better now.
Just rec a text from him. He is giving me his bb pin number so that all my texts to him is free. That's good news, that's means he wants me to text him more. I guess I will also have to open up to him. Mmm, this is like giving me a key to his house, too big a comparison ... but something there.
Late afternoon
Told boss about Z saying that he doesn't want to have a commitment. She roll her eyes and said that we have not even start and we talked about commitment. We are talking about something in future that both parties does not know what will not happen. She asked me to ignore it.
Actually, she is right. We both doesn't know. That's means we both also got an issue. Just like Z's insistence on asking my stand whether I want to commit and here I was worried that he doesn't want to commit.
So, what I know is that we both want each other.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Facing my karma in relationship (30)
Feb 13 Eve
Father, almost everyone said the sathsang was great. For me, I think its just doable as I faltered for a 2 to 3 minutes trying to recall the script. Then I just ignored and do it on my own and it become smooth. Also I didn't watch the dvd, so will do so in future for better preparation.
Earlier I broke the ice and called Z and I knew he welcomed me. Then at sathsang, I noticed that he tried to sit outside my view. Why? Then for dinner, at first we both sit across each other and then we have to split up. Then he didn't make any attempt to chat me up and I am disappointed.
Mmm, head being lowered. But I remind myself this is a happy problem as alas I felt it after such a long dry spell.
Father, I am having doubts again. And I tot if I m feeling this even before it start, then how after we become intimate. Father, this is scary. A tot came, I asked for him in my 2 to 3 months goal, become a famous published author in 2 to 3 years, become a famous transformational speaker in long term and I also pictured Z in it. Z following me when his schedule permit and we were on a plane ride together.
One thing I noticed is that I can speak quite well off the cuff and my voice sounded good. So, looks like me being a Transformational speaker does have merits.
Aiyoh, I miss him but he doesn't miss me.
I called him later and we chatted, the bad feeling is gone. He reiterated to meet up next week. Never mind lah, go slow.
Father, almost everyone said the sathsang was great. For me, I think its just doable as I faltered for a 2 to 3 minutes trying to recall the script. Then I just ignored and do it on my own and it become smooth. Also I didn't watch the dvd, so will do so in future for better preparation.
Earlier I broke the ice and called Z and I knew he welcomed me. Then at sathsang, I noticed that he tried to sit outside my view. Why? Then for dinner, at first we both sit across each other and then we have to split up. Then he didn't make any attempt to chat me up and I am disappointed.
Mmm, head being lowered. But I remind myself this is a happy problem as alas I felt it after such a long dry spell.
Father, I am having doubts again. And I tot if I m feeling this even before it start, then how after we become intimate. Father, this is scary. A tot came, I asked for him in my 2 to 3 months goal, become a famous published author in 2 to 3 years, become a famous transformational speaker in long term and I also pictured Z in it. Z following me when his schedule permit and we were on a plane ride together.
One thing I noticed is that I can speak quite well off the cuff and my voice sounded good. So, looks like me being a Transformational speaker does have merits.
Aiyoh, I miss him but he doesn't miss me.
I called him later and we chatted, the bad feeling is gone. He reiterated to meet up next week. Never mind lah, go slow.
Receptivity - being open (2)
Feb 13
Father, the course is over.
I have another realisation. The right mantra should be;
"To be able to lose means to Live" and not "To lose means to live"
So, just like in the office, be a Win Win situation. So, good place for everyone.
So, my song this morning is still valid; If I can't have u, I don't want u, baby.
Afternoon
The trainers told me that they were impressed with me since day one. They said I am a good negotiator and an honourable one too.
Father, I love U. I will share my experience today. A miraculous recovery for me to able to love him again after 30 odd years.
I just realised that this is a first swim I had since the recovery. So, perhaps both, me and also the stones. They were calling out to me. Today I was swimming effortlessly round the four corners of the pool without stopping. I just focused on the stone below me, didn't think of the distance. Amazing.
A tot came, my body can now moved to any type of music. Previously, only to isha music and I tot its becos of isha. But now, any music so that's means my body has become more receptive. And listening to any music is such a joy. I used to experience joy in the pool and now anywhere as long as there is music. I need not close eyes or focus, it just happen by itself.
The corner section of the pool, near the stone section called out to me. When I stayed there and float, suddenly I felt a wave of sadness, I was crying, then a wave of laughter, followed by singing. I felt their energy very strongly. I promised them that I will be back.
After I was done, I swam and I stopped when I saw this single white rock. I picked it up and its here with me now.
In the final lap, which I didn't plan to make. I was dancing with the water, with the stone. Amazing.
Suddenly a tot occurred to me, just like what Sadhguru says, if u receptive, u can connect with Energy anywhere, not just in Ashram or Himalaya.
For me, I can connect with water and now stone. Amen.
Suddenly I tot of Z and I laughed. He must be feeling more dismayed than me after our sharing. In his ernesty to breakthru my doors, he inadvertently open his. And his doors are far more 'private' than mine.
Yea, he can say I am not in his mind, and he doesn't miss me, he doesn't want any commitment but just my body but he has broken all "not to" and has exposed all his inner doors to me. He is smart, so by now he knows what he has done as he is now very vulnerable. Wonder how will he pull it back so he has an upper standing vs me. He doesn't want to lose.
Everytime he says nope he doesn't want me, he got deeper with me. Now I can see it as I am able to lose. When u don't mind losing, somehow there is more clarity as u know see it more objectively. No wonder I can see it. I will just be my loving self with him. I don't care what others think and even if I lose in the end, also doesn't matter cos I have lived.
Sadhguru
When we live with certain limitations, life imposes its own limitations. Only within yourself when u live without any limitations, life opens up its bounty for u.
When u approach life, if u r able to become nothing, something very small, u will have become a wonderful human being.
Soul
Similar to my mantra; To lose is to Live!
Father, why I felt a grab if people call me Aka, especially the chinese one. The indians I don't mind cos that's their language. Ah ha, I know. To me, if the chinese call me Aka, that's mean they think I am indian...really quite racist me.
Father, the course is over.
I have another realisation. The right mantra should be;
"To be able to lose means to Live" and not "To lose means to live"
So, just like in the office, be a Win Win situation. So, good place for everyone.
So, my song this morning is still valid; If I can't have u, I don't want u, baby.
Afternoon
The trainers told me that they were impressed with me since day one. They said I am a good negotiator and an honourable one too.
Father, I love U. I will share my experience today. A miraculous recovery for me to able to love him again after 30 odd years.
I just realised that this is a first swim I had since the recovery. So, perhaps both, me and also the stones. They were calling out to me. Today I was swimming effortlessly round the four corners of the pool without stopping. I just focused on the stone below me, didn't think of the distance. Amazing.
A tot came, my body can now moved to any type of music. Previously, only to isha music and I tot its becos of isha. But now, any music so that's means my body has become more receptive. And listening to any music is such a joy. I used to experience joy in the pool and now anywhere as long as there is music. I need not close eyes or focus, it just happen by itself.
The corner section of the pool, near the stone section called out to me. When I stayed there and float, suddenly I felt a wave of sadness, I was crying, then a wave of laughter, followed by singing. I felt their energy very strongly. I promised them that I will be back.
After I was done, I swam and I stopped when I saw this single white rock. I picked it up and its here with me now.
In the final lap, which I didn't plan to make. I was dancing with the water, with the stone. Amazing.
Suddenly a tot occurred to me, just like what Sadhguru says, if u receptive, u can connect with Energy anywhere, not just in Ashram or Himalaya.
For me, I can connect with water and now stone. Amen.
Suddenly I tot of Z and I laughed. He must be feeling more dismayed than me after our sharing. In his ernesty to breakthru my doors, he inadvertently open his. And his doors are far more 'private' than mine.
Yea, he can say I am not in his mind, and he doesn't miss me, he doesn't want any commitment but just my body but he has broken all "not to" and has exposed all his inner doors to me. He is smart, so by now he knows what he has done as he is now very vulnerable. Wonder how will he pull it back so he has an upper standing vs me. He doesn't want to lose.
Everytime he says nope he doesn't want me, he got deeper with me. Now I can see it as I am able to lose. When u don't mind losing, somehow there is more clarity as u know see it more objectively. No wonder I can see it. I will just be my loving self with him. I don't care what others think and even if I lose in the end, also doesn't matter cos I have lived.
Sadhguru
When we live with certain limitations, life imposes its own limitations. Only within yourself when u live without any limitations, life opens up its bounty for u.
When u approach life, if u r able to become nothing, something very small, u will have become a wonderful human being.
Soul
Similar to my mantra; To lose is to Live!
Father, why I felt a grab if people call me Aka, especially the chinese one. The indians I don't mind cos that's their language. Ah ha, I know. To me, if the chinese call me Aka, that's mean they think I am indian...really quite racist me.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Facing my karma in relationship (29) - to lose is to live
Feb 12
Father, I just text him to come. I am no longer afraid to lose. Once u r no longer afraid, u have courage.
They say courage exists when there is fear.
I also know that when I am afraid, I freezes.
Once I did the text, I felt bit apprehensive. Then a tot came, it is ok to lose. Then I realised that with Z the possibility is double loss. I felt lose if he didn't reply or if he says no cos that's 'rejection and I felt lose if he wants to come cos then I lost to him.
After that, I tot fine, I will be dead but at least I played the game. Once I says that, immediately the feeling apprehension is gone. So, when I received his reply with a rejection with smile. I replied in kind with a smile and cheer. Father, this is amazing. I also want to thank U. Whenever I reach my end and I wanted to flight, U always send someone or something to gave me motivation to stay on.
And then when Z and I finally open up and he says he wanted a relationship without any commitment, I wanted to flight. And here U send me Samurai Game. The only thing I did was to stop running and at times makes some move and U did the rest.
(Mar 21 - Recently, he told me that he really wanted to join me when I text him but he could not make it.)
Best of all U send Z who stood by me. I don't know what's tomorrow but what I knew was he pushed me to open up all my doors and stood by me. Somewhere, somehow something made him stayed on even though he wanted to turn away from me. It must be U.
I only have this mantra;
"To lose is to live!"
The ability to lose is the courage I need.
I want him because I want to transform myself.
I want him because I want him.
I want him because he is a diamond
I want him because he is the partner I dream off that I tot could never happen. His ability to be open and vulnerable with me.
Suddenly I recalled what he says. He saw a gal he has emotion for, then he plan for how to get her to bed. Emotion, mental, physical. In his ernest to get me to bed, he forgot to protect his own vulnerability. Of course, I am sure he now 'hits' himself.
In the end, he is afraid to lose, like me too. And he has more reason to fear loss. For me, no reason. And its perfect as my life lesson is the ability to lose.
Amen.
Father, I just text him to come. I am no longer afraid to lose. Once u r no longer afraid, u have courage.
They say courage exists when there is fear.
I also know that when I am afraid, I freezes.
Once I did the text, I felt bit apprehensive. Then a tot came, it is ok to lose. Then I realised that with Z the possibility is double loss. I felt lose if he didn't reply or if he says no cos that's 'rejection and I felt lose if he wants to come cos then I lost to him.
After that, I tot fine, I will be dead but at least I played the game. Once I says that, immediately the feeling apprehension is gone. So, when I received his reply with a rejection with smile. I replied in kind with a smile and cheer. Father, this is amazing. I also want to thank U. Whenever I reach my end and I wanted to flight, U always send someone or something to gave me motivation to stay on.
And then when Z and I finally open up and he says he wanted a relationship without any commitment, I wanted to flight. And here U send me Samurai Game. The only thing I did was to stop running and at times makes some move and U did the rest.
(Mar 21 - Recently, he told me that he really wanted to join me when I text him but he could not make it.)
Best of all U send Z who stood by me. I don't know what's tomorrow but what I knew was he pushed me to open up all my doors and stood by me. Somewhere, somehow something made him stayed on even though he wanted to turn away from me. It must be U.
I only have this mantra;
"To lose is to live!"
The ability to lose is the courage I need.
I want him because I want to transform myself.
I want him because I want him.
I want him because he is a diamond
I want him because he is the partner I dream off that I tot could never happen. His ability to be open and vulnerable with me.
Suddenly I recalled what he says. He saw a gal he has emotion for, then he plan for how to get her to bed. Emotion, mental, physical. In his ernest to get me to bed, he forgot to protect his own vulnerability. Of course, I am sure he now 'hits' himself.
In the end, he is afraid to lose, like me too. And he has more reason to fear loss. For me, no reason. And its perfect as my life lesson is the ability to lose.
Amen.
Facing my karma in relationship (28) - running
Feb 11
Woke up and before meditation
Father, I think I am on the right track. It is ok to end it. I guess the amazing interaction we had was the finale.
At the end, he is a cold man, things doesn't reach his heart. Me, am a warm woman.
Now I realised the Friendliness card meant, meditate, blissful, love + enjoy while u r and end when u r not. No drama required.
To continue with him would have drama. To continue with him would defeat my new mantra of effortless love and effortless life.
When I am keen, I become warm and I love to touch. Being physical is an expression of my love. It is unrealistic for me to expect myself to go through. Just end it like he suggested. We r like 2 ships that passed through the night.
He said he only now realised that. So that's means physical just an act, his emotion is not involved as confirmed by his story.
I am loved, loving and lovable and I need not accept a person that is not the same, that doesn't appreciate me. Amen.
If I can't have u totally, why start. Especially when u told me that u r so strong and won't change ur mind. Here I was thinking a one session will do that when a one full year session doesn't even stirred u. I need not settle for less.
No shame in being wrong. He tot I was attracted to his clothing, he was wrong. His clothing was lousily coordinated despite being so expensive.
I tot he was attracted to me as he always observed me, turns out he only likes to see me being connected to the Source. Guess he is envious of that and perhaps tot that having me can gain access to the Source.
If I can't have everything of u, I don't want u. If u don't want everything of me, then u can't have me too. I am a package deal person. I deserve everything, not just morsels like what I used to think. No more. I am lovable and my partner will come. I need not settle for morsel, I need no go thru fire to prepare myself for my partner. My main thing is just to do my body - dancing and scuba diving and getting lassik
After meditation
I was laughing and singing in my meditation and this song came;
If I can't have u, I don't want u baby....
So, I knew its fine. I deserved all,
Woke up and before meditation
Father, I think I am on the right track. It is ok to end it. I guess the amazing interaction we had was the finale.
At the end, he is a cold man, things doesn't reach his heart. Me, am a warm woman.
Now I realised the Friendliness card meant, meditate, blissful, love + enjoy while u r and end when u r not. No drama required.
To continue with him would have drama. To continue with him would defeat my new mantra of effortless love and effortless life.
When I am keen, I become warm and I love to touch. Being physical is an expression of my love. It is unrealistic for me to expect myself to go through. Just end it like he suggested. We r like 2 ships that passed through the night.
He said he only now realised that. So that's means physical just an act, his emotion is not involved as confirmed by his story.
I am loved, loving and lovable and I need not accept a person that is not the same, that doesn't appreciate me. Amen.
If I can't have u totally, why start. Especially when u told me that u r so strong and won't change ur mind. Here I was thinking a one session will do that when a one full year session doesn't even stirred u. I need not settle for less.
No shame in being wrong. He tot I was attracted to his clothing, he was wrong. His clothing was lousily coordinated despite being so expensive.
I tot he was attracted to me as he always observed me, turns out he only likes to see me being connected to the Source. Guess he is envious of that and perhaps tot that having me can gain access to the Source.
If I can't have everything of u, I don't want u. If u don't want everything of me, then u can't have me too. I am a package deal person. I deserve everything, not just morsels like what I used to think. No more. I am lovable and my partner will come. I need not settle for morsel, I need no go thru fire to prepare myself for my partner. My main thing is just to do my body - dancing and scuba diving and getting lassik
After meditation
I was laughing and singing in my meditation and this song came;
If I can't have u, I don't want u baby....
So, I knew its fine. I deserved all,
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Cosmic Lesson (7)
Feb 10 Eve 2
Evening
Just came back from the preliminary training briefing. He asked if there were last 24hours, what would I be doing. First tot was me writing response to comments on website. Second tot was having a heart to heart session with my partner, but I already done it yday.
Why I join the training? I know what I want, but it is not easy. It will take courage. Where did my courage gone to? How can I bring it back.
Then a tot came to me on my issue, bloody hell, the challenge has doubled. Just when I tot I nearly overcome my fear, u gave me a double shot. I have to face the challenge with a guy that says he will abandon me anytime.
Father, why lah?? Why double. I tot of my past. Nope I am not going back there. My love life is effortless, why do I need to choose to overcome a double challenge. There is nothing to prove. Why can't I wait for the right guy? Why do I need to take this lesson! The logical step is to walk away.
I proceed earlier cos I tot he was keen on me but since he isn't. There is no reason to continue. We can just be like the stranger that passed through the night. And at the end, I valued yday so much, even more than the physical. And if he can't even value it, there is no reason to continue.
As for his call for scuba dive, was for me to rendezvous with him. I tot it was because he wanted to share his interest. Looks like he already had the intention even from day one. And that is still without no liking. He was just looking for an outlet for his own release. I was just one of the many.
Father, my love life is effortless. And this one is not even a partner issue as he doesn't even has me in his mind. I don't have to pursue this. I can just drop it. He is a diamond but he is not mine.
A tot came, m I coming from fear?
An answer. Why am I afraid of walking away? Don't I trust that there will be someone else. Why do I need to jump in just because I am asked. He totally has no feeling for me and he said that if I cannot handle, we should not start. Yday, I said I want to. But now, why set myself up. Why don't I just say no. So, what if he abandoned me. I like him but he doesn't, he just want to have fun.
Yea, I recalled the korean drama. He truly supported her and was her soil.
My love life is effortless. So I need not pursue to change my physical status just to get ready for partner. My partner will understand and I can already flow. So, I need not take up the offer. Yea loh, why such drama? He doesn't, doesn't lah, I need not prolong it. So, what if we shared all the intimate chat, if he doesn't even value it, I need not also.
My love life is effortless. I need no go through such challenge. For now, I know I already can respond and I can do dancing. So, just go for dancing. I need not challenged myself. I need not prove myself. My transformation is to go with the flow......
To accept his rejection. To walk away knowing that my lovability is intact.
A sigh of relief! Let me valued the child in me. Just go for dancing. I already am ready, just wait for my partner, need not take a guy who doesn't even like me, doesn't value me, who wants to bed me and even had the gall to offer another guy to me.
Yea, I am fine. So what if he abandon me. He doesn't have me nor I him.
I will meditate and be blissful, my partner will come. Z was a false start.
I tot of going out again with Z. But a tot came, why start the drama, he already says he doesn't like u and he also said he is strong and won't change his mind. Use the energy on my writing.
So, tell him. I tot u like me and I want to explore further. But now that u don't, there is no need to go further. For u, its just a form of release, for me, it is an act of love. And I don't have the urgency nor feel desperate to change the status quo. U r projecting ur issue to me. I recalled Sadhguru says, when u can't have joy, you aim for pleasure.
I need not accept the challenge. My love life will be effortless and it is up to me to make it so by not accepting unnecessary challenges.
He and I are at different phase.
I have learnt me lesson, it is ok to be rejected. So, what if he doesn't like me or appreciate me, it doesn't affect my lovability.
He has helped me by explaining to me about the mixed signal. In future I will handle it.
Also yday sharing has cleansed up everything in our closet. So, that could be the finale.
He will understand. I will ask him, if I were his friend, would he ask me to take up the offer. I will tell him that taking up the offer will affect my joy. I don't want to risk it.
Evening
Just came back from the preliminary training briefing. He asked if there were last 24hours, what would I be doing. First tot was me writing response to comments on website. Second tot was having a heart to heart session with my partner, but I already done it yday.
Why I join the training? I know what I want, but it is not easy. It will take courage. Where did my courage gone to? How can I bring it back.
Then a tot came to me on my issue, bloody hell, the challenge has doubled. Just when I tot I nearly overcome my fear, u gave me a double shot. I have to face the challenge with a guy that says he will abandon me anytime.
Father, why lah?? Why double. I tot of my past. Nope I am not going back there. My love life is effortless, why do I need to choose to overcome a double challenge. There is nothing to prove. Why can't I wait for the right guy? Why do I need to take this lesson! The logical step is to walk away.
I proceed earlier cos I tot he was keen on me but since he isn't. There is no reason to continue. We can just be like the stranger that passed through the night. And at the end, I valued yday so much, even more than the physical. And if he can't even value it, there is no reason to continue.
As for his call for scuba dive, was for me to rendezvous with him. I tot it was because he wanted to share his interest. Looks like he already had the intention even from day one. And that is still without no liking. He was just looking for an outlet for his own release. I was just one of the many.
Father, my love life is effortless. And this one is not even a partner issue as he doesn't even has me in his mind. I don't have to pursue this. I can just drop it. He is a diamond but he is not mine.
A tot came, m I coming from fear?
An answer. Why am I afraid of walking away? Don't I trust that there will be someone else. Why do I need to jump in just because I am asked. He totally has no feeling for me and he said that if I cannot handle, we should not start. Yday, I said I want to. But now, why set myself up. Why don't I just say no. So, what if he abandoned me. I like him but he doesn't, he just want to have fun.
Yea, I recalled the korean drama. He truly supported her and was her soil.
My love life is effortless. So I need not pursue to change my physical status just to get ready for partner. My partner will understand and I can already flow. So, I need not take up the offer. Yea loh, why such drama? He doesn't, doesn't lah, I need not prolong it. So, what if we shared all the intimate chat, if he doesn't even value it, I need not also.
My love life is effortless. I need no go through such challenge. For now, I know I already can respond and I can do dancing. So, just go for dancing. I need not challenged myself. I need not prove myself. My transformation is to go with the flow......
To accept his rejection. To walk away knowing that my lovability is intact.
A sigh of relief! Let me valued the child in me. Just go for dancing. I already am ready, just wait for my partner, need not take a guy who doesn't even like me, doesn't value me, who wants to bed me and even had the gall to offer another guy to me.
Yea, I am fine. So what if he abandon me. He doesn't have me nor I him.
I will meditate and be blissful, my partner will come. Z was a false start.
I tot of going out again with Z. But a tot came, why start the drama, he already says he doesn't like u and he also said he is strong and won't change his mind. Use the energy on my writing.
So, tell him. I tot u like me and I want to explore further. But now that u don't, there is no need to go further. For u, its just a form of release, for me, it is an act of love. And I don't have the urgency nor feel desperate to change the status quo. U r projecting ur issue to me. I recalled Sadhguru says, when u can't have joy, you aim for pleasure.
I need not accept the challenge. My love life will be effortless and it is up to me to make it so by not accepting unnecessary challenges.
He and I are at different phase.
I have learnt me lesson, it is ok to be rejected. So, what if he doesn't like me or appreciate me, it doesn't affect my lovability.
He has helped me by explaining to me about the mixed signal. In future I will handle it.
Also yday sharing has cleansed up everything in our closet. So, that could be the finale.
He will understand. I will ask him, if I were his friend, would he ask me to take up the offer. I will tell him that taking up the offer will affect my joy. I don't want to risk it.
Cosmic Lesson (6)
Feb 10 Eve
Father, the pool was great. I just wade in and I was laughing non stop. Then I swam, I was swimming so effortlessly. I was swimming so slowly. Just floating, the feet barely moved, just my arm wading the water. After every lap, I was laughing, singing and dancing.
Father, I am safe. When I was swimming, I suddenly had a tot of how to go into this deal safely. I wanted the deal to proceed but I need to a safe exit cos I know I need some protection. So, I know, for the initiation, I would come here. It has a resort feel and the pool is very energetic. Just a one-off session will do and then we will do a cut-off.
When things have settled down, we will continue our friendship but without the intimacy. Who knows, I will be as receptive and adventurous in sex as I am in meditation. Both also I have never tries before, but I fell into it. Just like V pesters me for it, Z is also pestering me into it. And I myself also wanted to break free of the long hidden door. Perhaps the timing is right, when the student is ready, teacher comes. It was such a coincidence that I finally cleared the way with brother.
Father, I had some imagination of him not willing to let me go. I just drop the tot, need to move on. He said I am not in his mind and he doesn't miss me at all.
Tot of E. Who knows, as I didn't change my Vision Book. I wonder whether Z knows that what we shared yesterday is something amazing, its not an everyday event. If he doesn't realise that, its his loss.
And coincidentally after yday amazing incident which I broke through all my doors together with Z, tomorrow I will be attending a self realisation course.
Father, the pool was great. I just wade in and I was laughing non stop. Then I swam, I was swimming so effortlessly. I was swimming so slowly. Just floating, the feet barely moved, just my arm wading the water. After every lap, I was laughing, singing and dancing.
Father, I am safe. When I was swimming, I suddenly had a tot of how to go into this deal safely. I wanted the deal to proceed but I need to a safe exit cos I know I need some protection. So, I know, for the initiation, I would come here. It has a resort feel and the pool is very energetic. Just a one-off session will do and then we will do a cut-off.
When things have settled down, we will continue our friendship but without the intimacy. Who knows, I will be as receptive and adventurous in sex as I am in meditation. Both also I have never tries before, but I fell into it. Just like V pesters me for it, Z is also pestering me into it. And I myself also wanted to break free of the long hidden door. Perhaps the timing is right, when the student is ready, teacher comes. It was such a coincidence that I finally cleared the way with brother.
Father, I had some imagination of him not willing to let me go. I just drop the tot, need to move on. He said I am not in his mind and he doesn't miss me at all.
Tot of E. Who knows, as I didn't change my Vision Book. I wonder whether Z knows that what we shared yesterday is something amazing, its not an everyday event. If he doesn't realise that, its his loss.
And coincidentally after yday amazing incident which I broke through all my doors together with Z, tomorrow I will be attending a self realisation course.
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