Nov 25 afternoon
Just finished my facial, it was one of the most peaceful period and I was there for nearly 3 hours. I just feel my fear, my need for approval, suddenly everything coming to place. I am accepting myself.
I suddenly see the "cancer" horoscope in me, the emotional me. All my truth is finally out. I have always wondered about the suppression card and tot it doesn't really apply to me as I am a direct person and I always expressed my feelings, that's the Taurus in me. Finally Cancer is out. Now I knew there is hope to heal my over-reactive immune system in my body. I will be conscious and need not let my fears of people be absorbed into my body.
Saturn
Father complexes - don't like to wait. U can be impatient, frustrated, annoyed when u don't get what u want and when u want it, which is to say often.
You are wilful and want to rule over others. You need to pay ur dues and deal with issues of cruelty, power and insensitivity.
First, u must gain mastery of ur self, then u can realistically think about becoming an inventive, take charge leader. Once u have learned to successfully deal with ur anger and aggression, u will have faith to do ur thing.
Self respect and self expression may be limited due father complex. U have learned thru school of hard knocks n now u can learn from the school of gentle caress. You can gain power and a big payoff by understanding negative conditions are neither permanent nor pervasive.
Parts of u r thoughtful, calm and level headed. U have some natural emotional control.
To get more power do more work wit ur dream.
Soul
Now I understand my turmoil when I quit new company, I felt like a failure, and worried about my staff"s reaction, worried about my bosses. The same dilemma I faced when I quit Isha leadership. No wonder it was termed as a burden to me. I did it for people, I didn't do it be because I want. When the going got tough and I had difficulty dropping it, I become resentful. In the end, I broke down and quit both new company and Isha leadership.
Nov 25 afternoon (hope to heal my RA)
Just finished my facial, it was one of the most peaceful period and I was there for nearly 3 hours. I just feel my fear, my need for approval, suddenly everything coming to place. I am accepting myself. I suddenly see the "cancer" horoscope in me, the emotional me. All my truth is finally out. I wondered about the suppression card and tot it doesn't really apply to me as I am a direct person and I always expressed my feelings, that's the Taurus in me. Finally Cancer is out. Now I knew there is hope to heal my over-reactive immune system in my body. I will be conscious and need not let my fears of people be absorbed into my body.
Saturn
Father complexes - don't like to wait. U can be impatient, frustrated, annoyed when u don't get what u want and when u want it, which is to say often.
You are wilful and want to rule over others. You need to pay ur dues and deal with issues of cruelty, power and insensitivity.
First, u must gain mastery of ur self, then u can realistically think about becoming an inventive, take charge leader. Once u have learned to successfully deal with ur anger and aggression, u will have faith to do ur thing.
Self respect and self expression may be limited due father complex. U have learned thru school of hard knocks n now u can learn from the school of gentle caress
You can gain power and a big payoff by understanding negative conditions are neither permanent nor pervasive.
Parts of u r thoughtful, calm and level headed. U have some natural emotional control.
To get more power do more work wit ur dream.
Soul
Now I understand my turmoil when I quit new company, I felt like a failure, and worried about my staff"s reaction, worried about my bosses. The same dilemma I faced when I quit Isha leadership. No wonder it was termed as a burden to me. I did it for people, I didn't do it be because I want. When the going got tough and I had difficulty dropping it, I become resentful. In the end, I broke down and quit both new company and Isha leadership.
Uranus
Confront bullies, resist being dominated. Develop ur own strength. Curb ur temper and any social/antisocial tendencies.
Radical and conservative forces conflict within you. Work to resolve the conflict between ur duty and ur need for freedom.
Soul
That's explained my dilemma.
Embrace life - Irwin.
When we confront our strangeness, we are less likely to project it on others. When we embrace our own lack of wholeness, our own complexities, we are less likely to be oppressors, even passively.
Soul
Yea. Finally saw the root in me.
Radical and conservative forces conflict within you. Work to resolve the conflict between ur duty and ur need for freedom.
Soul
That's explained my dilemma.
Embrace life - Irwin.
When we confront our strangeness, we are less likely to project it on others. When we embrace our own lack of wholeness, our own complexities, we are less likely to be oppressors, even passively.
Soul
Yea. Finally saw the root in me.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Natal Chart now 95% - a great masquerade
Nov 25
Father, I woke up at 6.45 am n went for morning walk in the park. I just focus on watching my breathe n there were little tots, a peaceful walk.
On Z, I am now sure that I can let go. I am quite sad that I m not as confident as I tot. I now know why I am affected whenever I perceived that others are not approving of me. I started my inner journey because I don't want to be affected emotionally by others. I wanted to stealth myself against others. I wanted self-mastery.
Suddenly tot of reading my Natal Chart.
Pluto card in my natal chart
You are capable of maintaining a great masquerade. In lieu of struggling to control others, work to control yourself. Instead of stealthing yourself against others, strive to plummet the depths of your own soul.
You are wilful n a rebel. You are capable of about as much personal change as u decide. Rather than reacting or responding to circumstance, try initiating change.
You could achieve great wealth. You have a talent for transforming yourself and society. It a good idea for u to further ur own stealth. Learn to relate to people in a big way. You can do something distinguished and prominent for the great masses of people. You can help the disadvantages.
Soul
I recalled I couldn't relate to this. Now I finally agreed with it.
I am affected by people because I care for their approval. Now I know why I faced Dilemma in opening my website and blog.
Neptune
Learn to communicate ur ideas to others professionally. To become more than a daydreamer, learn to do whatever it takes to act, the instant u have a creative idea.
Somewhat consciously and somewhat unconsciously, u will be influenced by and personally able to utilise supernatural forces. We're talking seeking truth and self mastery. Put an end to the insignificant side of ur life. Develop a mystical comprehension of destiny
Learn reverse paranoia. Imagine that everyone is out to help u and make ur life better. Loosen oppression.
To fulfill ur destiny, u need to develop ur pyschic and intuitive skills. Just as importantly, u need to learn to see urself and other people and situations as they are, not as u really wish them to be.
Soul
Father, I have not been active on my ideas. I was caught in my dilemma of risking approval. I admitted I now can see myself with clarity. I now know what started my search, the pain of being affected by people. I will let this period of knowing my fears and my need for approval. I used to judged people for such issues and now I realised its my own projection.
Uranus
Confront bullies, resist being dominated. Develop ur own strength. Curb ur temper and any social/antisocial tendencies.
Radical and conservative forces conflict within you. Work to resolve the conflict between ur duty and ur need for freedom.
(Nov 28 - yeap, there is 2 sides of me)
Father, I woke up at 6.45 am n went for morning walk in the park. I just focus on watching my breathe n there were little tots, a peaceful walk.
On Z, I am now sure that I can let go. I am quite sad that I m not as confident as I tot. I now know why I am affected whenever I perceived that others are not approving of me. I started my inner journey because I don't want to be affected emotionally by others. I wanted to stealth myself against others. I wanted self-mastery.
Suddenly tot of reading my Natal Chart.
Pluto card in my natal chart
You are capable of maintaining a great masquerade. In lieu of struggling to control others, work to control yourself. Instead of stealthing yourself against others, strive to plummet the depths of your own soul.
You are wilful n a rebel. You are capable of about as much personal change as u decide. Rather than reacting or responding to circumstance, try initiating change.
You could achieve great wealth. You have a talent for transforming yourself and society. It a good idea for u to further ur own stealth. Learn to relate to people in a big way. You can do something distinguished and prominent for the great masses of people. You can help the disadvantages.
Soul
I recalled I couldn't relate to this. Now I finally agreed with it.
I am affected by people because I care for their approval. Now I know why I faced Dilemma in opening my website and blog.
Neptune
Learn to communicate ur ideas to others professionally. To become more than a daydreamer, learn to do whatever it takes to act, the instant u have a creative idea.
Somewhat consciously and somewhat unconsciously, u will be influenced by and personally able to utilise supernatural forces. We're talking seeking truth and self mastery. Put an end to the insignificant side of ur life. Develop a mystical comprehension of destiny
Learn reverse paranoia. Imagine that everyone is out to help u and make ur life better. Loosen oppression.
To fulfill ur destiny, u need to develop ur pyschic and intuitive skills. Just as importantly, u need to learn to see urself and other people and situations as they are, not as u really wish them to be.
Soul
Father, I have not been active on my ideas. I was caught in my dilemma of risking approval. I admitted I now can see myself with clarity. I now know what started my search, the pain of being affected by people. I will let this period of knowing my fears and my need for approval. I used to judged people for such issues and now I realised its my own projection.
Uranus
Confront bullies, resist being dominated. Develop ur own strength. Curb ur temper and any social/antisocial tendencies.
Radical and conservative forces conflict within you. Work to resolve the conflict between ur duty and ur need for freedom.
(Nov 28 - yeap, there is 2 sides of me)
Sadhguru on man-woman relationship
Sadhguru
The attachment is not to somebody. This must be clearly understood. The attachment is to ur body. Because u r deeply attached to this body, u get attached to somebody. If u have no attachment to this body, u cannot get attached to anybody. Please see that.
So u do not have to work on ur attachments to people around u. U really need to work on ur attachment to ur own body. As u release yourself from this, u r free from everything.
It s just that u have exposed ur body to somebody and u think that is closeness. Somewhere u have shared certain things with somebody, which u cannot share with anybody and everybody on the street.
This is because ur religions, ur cultures, ur morals have brought a certain shame and a certain sense of impurity into the basis biological process of life. It has become a way of opening up to a certain person, because the only thing u r capable of opening up to somebody is ur body. Unfortunately, this is the highest opening that people are able to offer to each other. The biggest they can offer is opening their bodies to each other. Nothing more is happening.
The secret between them is that they have opened their bodies to each other. They have a kind of nucleus between them. It is a conspiracy. It is a certain kind of conspiracy that they have, that they cannot share with anybody else. But it is not enough. And u will never be fulfilled with it.
Soul
That's bit heavy. So, I m on the right track. Just focus on my practices, then I will not depend on others for my valuation. Once I am valuable inside by myself, I will no longer need validation from outstanding.
I have overcome validation from work, validation from Isha friends and validation from my boyfriend. Or I should say my ex-boyfriend.
The attachment is not to somebody. This must be clearly understood. The attachment is to ur body. Because u r deeply attached to this body, u get attached to somebody. If u have no attachment to this body, u cannot get attached to anybody. Please see that.
So u do not have to work on ur attachments to people around u. U really need to work on ur attachment to ur own body. As u release yourself from this, u r free from everything.
It s just that u have exposed ur body to somebody and u think that is closeness. Somewhere u have shared certain things with somebody, which u cannot share with anybody and everybody on the street.
This is because ur religions, ur cultures, ur morals have brought a certain shame and a certain sense of impurity into the basis biological process of life. It has become a way of opening up to a certain person, because the only thing u r capable of opening up to somebody is ur body. Unfortunately, this is the highest opening that people are able to offer to each other. The biggest they can offer is opening their bodies to each other. Nothing more is happening.
The secret between them is that they have opened their bodies to each other. They have a kind of nucleus between them. It is a conspiracy. It is a certain kind of conspiracy that they have, that they cannot share with anybody else. But it is not enough. And u will never be fulfilled with it.
Soul
That's bit heavy. So, I m on the right track. Just focus on my practices, then I will not depend on others for my valuation. Once I am valuable inside by myself, I will no longer need validation from outstanding.
I have overcome validation from work, validation from Isha friends and validation from my boyfriend. Or I should say my ex-boyfriend.
Shoonya happens only when u surrender..
Nov 24 Eve
Sadhguru
When u do Shoonya, u r actually in surrender. If surrender is not there, there is no Shoonya, please see. Meditation is deep surrender. If u really become meditative, u r in surrender.
Surrender is just like darkness. It always is. It is not something that u do. Whatever u do is just a brief happening. Whatever u do is like a wave which comes and goes away, but it is not the ocean. The ocean is always there. It is the wave which is rising and receding.
Surrender is to break this cycle of little happenings in ur life and to fall back on the vastness, into the boundlessness of what life is. Surrender is something that u become. It is a quality.
Soul
That's what I tot too. When I meditate, I open up my doors, then become receptive and nature helps me to open all. When I am meditating, I am not as bothered about others people.
(Nov 28 - now I finally knew why I love meditation...cos I can let go, truly need not bother about other people..or rather need not bother of what I think of myself....)
Sadhguru
When u do Shoonya, u r actually in surrender. If surrender is not there, there is no Shoonya, please see. Meditation is deep surrender. If u really become meditative, u r in surrender.
Surrender is just like darkness. It always is. It is not something that u do. Whatever u do is just a brief happening. Whatever u do is like a wave which comes and goes away, but it is not the ocean. The ocean is always there. It is the wave which is rising and receding.
Surrender is to break this cycle of little happenings in ur life and to fall back on the vastness, into the boundlessness of what life is. Surrender is something that u become. It is a quality.
Soul
That's what I tot too. When I meditate, I open up my doors, then become receptive and nature helps me to open all. When I am meditating, I am not as bothered about others people.
(Nov 28 - now I finally knew why I love meditation...cos I can let go, truly need not bother about other people..or rather need not bother of what I think of myself....)
I am fearful and not fearless as I tot I am
Nov 24
Father, I find sleeping with the salt lamp is more restful, I woke up energized. I put alarm back to 7.30 am.
Did my usual guru pooja, followed by shakti and shambavi. Breathing with mudra was good. Surka kriya was slightly difficult at first but was fine moments later. I went in deep and see violet flames.
Swim was ok today. I managed to practice breast strokes and water threading. At first I tot I missed swimming today cos it was raining heavily but it stopped minutes before 9.30am, so I quickly changed and drive out. I did good in free style and quite ok with breaststroke.
Father, while I was typing the journal, I tot it is good for me, it slowed down my mind. Previously I can type fast, so no stopping the mind. But now I need to slow down my mind cos I can't type fast.
Had a good session with P. We shared our feelings for past few months. I m glad that we finally got together. She started her questions since primary school and finally able to embark on her path after university. She been through many tools and Isha practices was the one she continues. She also into philosophy of Veda. She turns out to be a real pro.
Father, when I talked to her I become aware of how much I sought validation from people. For a moment, I tot I must be crazy to think she looked to me. She is way above me in her search. I m nowhere near her. Then I suddenly tot why do I need P or people's to look up to me???
If people approved of me, I am fine. Father, on the surface I seems not bothered but actually I do. Yea, me volunteering is due to people. That's why it is a burden cos I m not doing it for me. When I finally break down and pull out, I felt a sense of relief. What bothered me was how others view me. Whether they will reject me because I bailed out.
Father, I who tot I m fearless, is actually fearful. I who tot I don't care for other people's opinions is actually very bothered. Its just like when I had a difference of opinions with Z, I will go back to explain or justify my response so that he understands, so that he won't feel hurt, so that he won't rejects me.
Father, everything is truly not what it seems. Now I know why I attract fearful friends, friends who are affected by other's opinions, who can't take actions because of their fears and concern about people's reaction. I used to judge them and I got angry with them for not overcoming their fears and concerns. Alas I am one of them.
Now I know why I m perceived to be egoless with Z. I gave in to him cos I sought his approvals, I sought his love and attention. I was afraid of rejection. Alas, I m ready to face my fears. I m fine, the past is gone. The new me can face it. Amen.
Father, I find sleeping with the salt lamp is more restful, I woke up energized. I put alarm back to 7.30 am.
Did my usual guru pooja, followed by shakti and shambavi. Breathing with mudra was good. Surka kriya was slightly difficult at first but was fine moments later. I went in deep and see violet flames.
Swim was ok today. I managed to practice breast strokes and water threading. At first I tot I missed swimming today cos it was raining heavily but it stopped minutes before 9.30am, so I quickly changed and drive out. I did good in free style and quite ok with breaststroke.
Father, while I was typing the journal, I tot it is good for me, it slowed down my mind. Previously I can type fast, so no stopping the mind. But now I need to slow down my mind cos I can't type fast.
Had a good session with P. We shared our feelings for past few months. I m glad that we finally got together. She started her questions since primary school and finally able to embark on her path after university. She been through many tools and Isha practices was the one she continues. She also into philosophy of Veda. She turns out to be a real pro.
Father, when I talked to her I become aware of how much I sought validation from people. For a moment, I tot I must be crazy to think she looked to me. She is way above me in her search. I m nowhere near her. Then I suddenly tot why do I need P or people's to look up to me???
If people approved of me, I am fine. Father, on the surface I seems not bothered but actually I do. Yea, me volunteering is due to people. That's why it is a burden cos I m not doing it for me. When I finally break down and pull out, I felt a sense of relief. What bothered me was how others view me. Whether they will reject me because I bailed out.
Father, I who tot I m fearless, is actually fearful. I who tot I don't care for other people's opinions is actually very bothered. Its just like when I had a difference of opinions with Z, I will go back to explain or justify my response so that he understands, so that he won't feel hurt, so that he won't rejects me.
Father, everything is truly not what it seems. Now I know why I attract fearful friends, friends who are affected by other's opinions, who can't take actions because of their fears and concern about people's reaction. I used to judge them and I got angry with them for not overcoming their fears and concerns. Alas I am one of them.
Now I know why I m perceived to be egoless with Z. I gave in to him cos I sought his approvals, I sought his love and attention. I was afraid of rejection. Alas, I m ready to face my fears. I m fine, the past is gone. The new me can face it. Amen.
Sadhguru on relationships...
Nov 23 even
Father, today I did Shoonya and samyama in the evening. I felt much better. Not sure, but I m fine with his non response. Now that I know my fear, I m not as eager for my lesson. Perhaps it is over.
Sadhguru
All relationships come from a certain compulsion in u, because without fulfilling these relationships, u will be nothing.
There is another way to exist; one can exists without any relationships. One is so complete with himself that it does not matter. But right now the quality of ur relationships decides the quality of ur life. It is definitely deciding the quality of your life.
The basis of our relationships come from a certain need. U r trying to somehow make yourself happy by building different types of relationships, by doing different type of activities. In other words, somehow we try to squeeze some happiness out people; somehow we try to get some happiness out of somebody who is next to us right now.
In a man-woman relationship, they r together, they r quarrelling. If u put them apart for 24 hours, they cannot be without each other. If u put them together, they will be back to the same thing. So, u cannot be without the person; u cannot be with the person. This is trouble.
If u become a source of joy by yourself, u and ur relationships are about sharing ur joy, not squeezing joy out of somebody, then u would have wonderful relationships with everybody.
Relationships have become a problem because we r not using them to enhance our lives. We r trying to fill the gaps in our lives with relationships.
Soul
In general most of my relationships are good I only have problems with romantic relationships. That's where my fears are. That's where I m unhappy. That's where I lost control. That's where I feel insecure. That's where I avoid because of low success rate.
Father, today I did Shoonya and samyama in the evening. I felt much better. Not sure, but I m fine with his non response. Now that I know my fear, I m not as eager for my lesson. Perhaps it is over.
Sadhguru
All relationships come from a certain compulsion in u, because without fulfilling these relationships, u will be nothing.
There is another way to exist; one can exists without any relationships. One is so complete with himself that it does not matter. But right now the quality of ur relationships decides the quality of ur life. It is definitely deciding the quality of your life.
The basis of our relationships come from a certain need. U r trying to somehow make yourself happy by building different types of relationships, by doing different type of activities. In other words, somehow we try to squeeze some happiness out people; somehow we try to get some happiness out of somebody who is next to us right now.
In a man-woman relationship, they r together, they r quarrelling. If u put them apart for 24 hours, they cannot be without each other. If u put them together, they will be back to the same thing. So, u cannot be without the person; u cannot be with the person. This is trouble.
If u become a source of joy by yourself, u and ur relationships are about sharing ur joy, not squeezing joy out of somebody, then u would have wonderful relationships with everybody.
Relationships have become a problem because we r not using them to enhance our lives. We r trying to fill the gaps in our lives with relationships.
Soul
In general most of my relationships are good I only have problems with romantic relationships. That's where my fears are. That's where I m unhappy. That's where I lost control. That's where I feel insecure. That's where I avoid because of low success rate.
Laughing at my challenges of Z...
Nov 23
Father, I woke up at 7 am cos not working. Slept more. Didn't do hata. I commit to 4 times. So, one day rest.
My nose was really blocked, so difficult to do surka kriya. But I persevere n focus till I got violet flames. Today laughed loads during resting time.
Tot of z, why can't I have a norm boyfriend that doesn't trigger my fear. Then I laughed, cos if normal, my fear cannot find expression, it will be suppressed even more and aggravate my RA problem. So, perfect boyfriend for me. I can now see my fear. Z is just the tool to bring it out, hence my cosmic lessons, Faith.
Like Sadhguru said only in suffering, we learn. I m really glad. Amen.
No more resentment on Z. I now knew, it is the antidote to RA. It brings my fear outside instead of being inside the body.
I m still not sure if I go back. But its ok to ask if he still with me. I just messaged him. Let's see.
Father, Z has read my msg but didn't reply. The old me would have reacted but new me is not bothered. I can see my fear, so if there is no reason to confront it, I m fine.
I just had a long conversation with SL, I m glad our friendship is intact. I also accepted the role of being guide for pre samyama. And I also got the place booked. I just do what is needed. Amen
Father, I woke up at 7 am cos not working. Slept more. Didn't do hata. I commit to 4 times. So, one day rest.
My nose was really blocked, so difficult to do surka kriya. But I persevere n focus till I got violet flames. Today laughed loads during resting time.
Tot of z, why can't I have a norm boyfriend that doesn't trigger my fear. Then I laughed, cos if normal, my fear cannot find expression, it will be suppressed even more and aggravate my RA problem. So, perfect boyfriend for me. I can now see my fear. Z is just the tool to bring it out, hence my cosmic lessons, Faith.
Like Sadhguru said only in suffering, we learn. I m really glad. Amen.
No more resentment on Z. I now knew, it is the antidote to RA. It brings my fear outside instead of being inside the body.
I m still not sure if I go back. But its ok to ask if he still with me. I just messaged him. Let's see.
Father, Z has read my msg but didn't reply. The old me would have reacted but new me is not bothered. I can see my fear, so if there is no reason to confront it, I m fine.
I just had a long conversation with SL, I m glad our friendship is intact. I also accepted the role of being guide for pre samyama. And I also got the place booked. I just do what is needed. Amen
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