Father, today didn't do meditation. Didn't realise that the alarm clock was off when the mobile was reset.
Woke up at 6.40 am wondering why sky is slightly bright at 5.40. Then it dawn that its 6 plius. Woke up for my changing time. I knew I was having another dream. Emotional control – can be taken as emotionally retarded. Now that my control switch is off, I start to dream day and night.
F4 yesterday. He being a coward, not willing to face upfront and asked others to do it instead. Jandi told him off that if that all he can do to avoid this wedding, then there will be another one coming. So, he might as well jus proceed with the wedding. Jungpo asked her to tell him not to walk the aisle and Jandi didn't reply cos its a decision that Jungpo has to made - losing his home, his family, his wealth, his company.
Remind me of myself - fear of losing my personality over food and chinese culture. I always tot my issue was I can't come down but can go up. Actually either coming down or going up - growth. The truth is I am afraid to grow. Now that I have come down in reporting, I have grown.
Now I guess I too perceive that proceeding with the spirituality - volunteering, herd mentality – may be low value and involve sacrifices and I was determine not to join the herd.
In reality, I was attached to my personality n I used my mom and family as a front. No one is preventing me from dropping my personality.
What a paradox, I who used to take pride that I have load of courage to change but I am actually unwilling to change. I was willing to go up just within a narrow range and don't even want to come down an inch. Me not wanting to go down - at the onset is my VFM mode, but the truth is I am afraid to grow. Another humbling experience.
1. Happy - Sad - Happy
2. Good at work - Inadequate - Good
3. Secure - Insecure - Trying.
4. Fearless - Fearful - Trying.
5. Courage - Coward - Trying
6. Growth - Stagnant - Trying. .
Now I knew what was d feeling that was nagging me behind, always buzzing, pushing me to conquer, to achieve....Actually I was stagnant, not in terms of work but my Being.
The last 5 to 6 years - to grow n I have resisted cos I tot it was to come down, to be humble and I resisted cos in my mind to grow is to go upward. I also resisted cos I thought God was unfair for wanting to make me suffer, wanting to make me humble. That is not the God that I thought he is and I won't kow tow...
Alas it is to grow, to expand. Insecurity is the only way to grow. This is similar to what Satprem said - growth in spirituality is not a vertical line going up, it is a spiral line going up and going down - expansion.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Afraid to go down - afraid to change
My Osho card for the week.
1. Issue - Adventure - there wil be danger, there will be sacrifice n u may be led astray, lost and never reaching the goal. But the search will help u to grow. Insecurity is the only way to grow. To face danger is the only way to grow, to accept
2. Internal - Conditioning by the society gives u a cozy personality - unless u drop ur personality, u will not be able to find ur individuality.
3. Sharing - the Queen of Fire is so rich, so much a queen that she can afford to give. It didn't occur for her to take inventories or to save some for later. She dispenses her treasures without limits, welcoming all and sundry to partake of her abundance, fertility and light that surrounds her. U r in a situation where u hav opportunity to share ur love, ur joy and laughter. And in sharing, you find that u feel even more full. Everything around you seems to be "coming together" now. Enjoy it, ground yourself in it and let the abundance in you and around you overflow.
4. What is needed - Patience. The whole existence waits for the right moment. The trees know when to let go of all the leaves and stand naked against the sky. They are still beautiful in that nakedness, waiting for the new foliage with a great trust that the new will soon be coming and the new leaves will start growing. We have forgotten how to wait. This card reminds us that now is a time when all that is required is to be simply alert, patient, waiting. Be contented and let's nature takes its course as something momentous is going to happen. In silence and waiting, something inside you goes on growing - ur authentic being. And one day it jumps and your whole personality is shattered; u r a new woman.
5. Resolution - finally see the reality of the Political mind that taught u a kind of slow suicide by makin u feel unworthy, guilty and takes away all ur glory. Whatever game that I have been playing has come to an end.
Today these 3 persons was brought to me and I know can relate to my Osho cards:
Colleague 1 - message to me to be grateful for all my blessings. She said I seems to be afraid to grow.
Colleague 2 - message to me is to be accountable for my personality n to change to what is my choice now. To forgive myself and my family
Colleague 3 - told me about the temple at Batu Caves and asked if I knew of any quiet temple. Suddenly I tot of the temple back in Teluk Intan, the one that mom and me always goes to pray. I also recalled I always asked why she brought me when I am not the Indian God's son. Why I have to give the blessing, shouldn't it be brother instead. Suddenly realised actually mom does pray to Indian God, so me praying now to Indian Yogis is a non issue with her.
Food - mom always encourage me to eat more vegetables, less meat. Ask me to eat less during dinner. Ask me to eat healthy.
Its me n my mind. I have used mom as the Resistant. Its me and me all along. I was attached to my personality - VFM mode in career, Gourmet Eater in Food.
Its time to drop my personality. Mom is supporting me.
1. Issue - Adventure - there wil be danger, there will be sacrifice n u may be led astray, lost and never reaching the goal. But the search will help u to grow. Insecurity is the only way to grow. To face danger is the only way to grow, to accept
2. Internal - Conditioning by the society gives u a cozy personality - unless u drop ur personality, u will not be able to find ur individuality.
3. Sharing - the Queen of Fire is so rich, so much a queen that she can afford to give. It didn't occur for her to take inventories or to save some for later. She dispenses her treasures without limits, welcoming all and sundry to partake of her abundance, fertility and light that surrounds her. U r in a situation where u hav opportunity to share ur love, ur joy and laughter. And in sharing, you find that u feel even more full. Everything around you seems to be "coming together" now. Enjoy it, ground yourself in it and let the abundance in you and around you overflow.
4. What is needed - Patience. The whole existence waits for the right moment. The trees know when to let go of all the leaves and stand naked against the sky. They are still beautiful in that nakedness, waiting for the new foliage with a great trust that the new will soon be coming and the new leaves will start growing. We have forgotten how to wait. This card reminds us that now is a time when all that is required is to be simply alert, patient, waiting. Be contented and let's nature takes its course as something momentous is going to happen. In silence and waiting, something inside you goes on growing - ur authentic being. And one day it jumps and your whole personality is shattered; u r a new woman.
5. Resolution - finally see the reality of the Political mind that taught u a kind of slow suicide by makin u feel unworthy, guilty and takes away all ur glory. Whatever game that I have been playing has come to an end.
Today these 3 persons was brought to me and I know can relate to my Osho cards:
Colleague 1 - message to me to be grateful for all my blessings. She said I seems to be afraid to grow.
Colleague 2 - message to me is to be accountable for my personality n to change to what is my choice now. To forgive myself and my family
Colleague 3 - told me about the temple at Batu Caves and asked if I knew of any quiet temple. Suddenly I tot of the temple back in Teluk Intan, the one that mom and me always goes to pray. I also recalled I always asked why she brought me when I am not the Indian God's son. Why I have to give the blessing, shouldn't it be brother instead. Suddenly realised actually mom does pray to Indian God, so me praying now to Indian Yogis is a non issue with her.
Food - mom always encourage me to eat more vegetables, less meat. Ask me to eat less during dinner. Ask me to eat healthy.
Its me n my mind. I have used mom as the Resistant. Its me and me all along. I was attached to my personality - VFM mode in career, Gourmet Eater in Food.
Its time to drop my personality. Mom is supporting me.
Resistant in going up
This morning, didn’t want to go up in my spiritual development. I only wanted to do meditation and to calm myself down. Didn’t think of getting enlighten? I don’t think I can give up things that I like
1. Difficult to get partner if into spiritual mode
2. Didn't wan to be so hard on myself by letting go of my food
3. Afraid I have more responsibility n no time for myself.
Father, suddenly I can see that these reasons are real similar to the ones whereby I don't want to go up in my career. Father, tell me more.
Jus now when doing exercise, I tot of what my Finance Manager said. She said that I have unconsciously crossed the Finance Head line and hence there is no more growth in Finance for me and hence I feel frustration and no growth. She encouraged me to move towards operations especially if we downsized.
Tot of me n my meditation. When I attend d meditation course, I wan only to silent my mind for a moment, little did I knew that I found my Soul. I finally saw the glimmer of orange light turning into white light. The other day at the Inner Engineering meditation, on 2nd day, when I was in light, I saw an eye. At first I tot it was an illussion, a play of light n try to blink it away but it stayed on for sometime.
Perhaps just like my career path, my spiritual path has exceeded my original aim and I am not willing to proceed ahead. I guess perhaps my trip to India has pushed me forward beyond my original aim.
Father, I still have resistant.
1. Difficult to get partner if into spiritual mode
2. Didn't wan to be so hard on myself by letting go of my food
3. Afraid I have more responsibility n no time for myself.
Father, suddenly I can see that these reasons are real similar to the ones whereby I don't want to go up in my career. Father, tell me more.
Jus now when doing exercise, I tot of what my Finance Manager said. She said that I have unconsciously crossed the Finance Head line and hence there is no more growth in Finance for me and hence I feel frustration and no growth. She encouraged me to move towards operations especially if we downsized.
Tot of me n my meditation. When I attend d meditation course, I wan only to silent my mind for a moment, little did I knew that I found my Soul. I finally saw the glimmer of orange light turning into white light. The other day at the Inner Engineering meditation, on 2nd day, when I was in light, I saw an eye. At first I tot it was an illussion, a play of light n try to blink it away but it stayed on for sometime.
Perhaps just like my career path, my spiritual path has exceeded my original aim and I am not willing to proceed ahead. I guess perhaps my trip to India has pushed me forward beyond my original aim.
Father, I still have resistant.
Attention and Memory comes from Interests
Swami Rama
Attention and memory comes from interest. If you have an interest in something, you never forget it. Thus memory really indicates and reflects your interest.
If you are not interested in studying a subject, then it becomes difficult for you and you cannot easily understand it.
Doing things without genuine interest weakens and dissipates the mind and create internal conflict.
Your mind is very powerful. There is nothing greater except the individual soul, the center of consciousness within. The mind is second only to the soul in power, for its functioning and expression, it has the ability to borrow power from the center of consciousness, the individual soul.
So, before the light of the body extinguishes, learn to focus all your awareness within. Then you merely leave your shell here.
Soul
I seldom able to remember financials and that gave me additional information of where my interest does not lies in. No wonder, I faced such conflict in doing financial reporting. No wonder, I expanded towards operations. Let me see, I remember about the food I ate. I instinctively know about people. Mmm, I am always interested in philosophy, psychology,…anything to do with my the inner world….
Father, my memory is my interest.
1. Food
2. Mind related knowledge
3. Personality related knowledge
4. Spiritual devt.
My strength
1. Intuitive
2. Approachable
3. Influencing
4. Resourceful
At times, I felt guilty cos I have loads of strength but sometimes dont want to 'help' others. I do help and sometimes it is tiring....
I wonder what is my purpose in life....
Attention and memory comes from interest. If you have an interest in something, you never forget it. Thus memory really indicates and reflects your interest.
If you are not interested in studying a subject, then it becomes difficult for you and you cannot easily understand it.
Doing things without genuine interest weakens and dissipates the mind and create internal conflict.
Your mind is very powerful. There is nothing greater except the individual soul, the center of consciousness within. The mind is second only to the soul in power, for its functioning and expression, it has the ability to borrow power from the center of consciousness, the individual soul.
So, before the light of the body extinguishes, learn to focus all your awareness within. Then you merely leave your shell here.
Soul
I seldom able to remember financials and that gave me additional information of where my interest does not lies in. No wonder, I faced such conflict in doing financial reporting. No wonder, I expanded towards operations. Let me see, I remember about the food I ate. I instinctively know about people. Mmm, I am always interested in philosophy, psychology,…anything to do with my the inner world….
Father, my memory is my interest.
1. Food
2. Mind related knowledge
3. Personality related knowledge
4. Spiritual devt.
My strength
1. Intuitive
2. Approachable
3. Influencing
4. Resourceful
At times, I felt guilty cos I have loads of strength but sometimes dont want to 'help' others. I do help and sometimes it is tiring....
I wonder what is my purpose in life....
Questioning Mind
Swami Rama
The mind raises questions such as "Shall I do this or not?". Whenever you consider doing something, suddenly a questioning comes into your mind and you wonder, "Shall I or not?" Shall I go this way or that way?"
There is always a doubting nature to your mind and that is the result of the faculty of manas. This constant doubt is called samkalpa vikalpa. Manas is an importer of external and exporter of internal. To do that it employs the senses.
But manas is limited as it can't make decision.
The decision maker is buddhi, the faculty of discrimination.
You are usually controlled by manas because you do not take the advice of buddhi, the higher function.
Buddhi - judges, discriminate and decide.
The deciding quality of buddhi is also important especially on timing of decision. If u miss to decide, an opportunity is lost.
Chitra - acquire knowledge - intuitive library within you.
Ahamkara - the sense of I-ness (ego). A high ego person always uses "I" a lot.
The higher ur ego, the more you do not communicate or relate well to others. The ego is helpful, provided you understand its intended role.
Manas - disturbs u with doubts n questions
Ahamkara - separates u from ur center of consciousness
Buddhi - discriminator
Chitta - intuitive library
The use of manas n ahamkara is due to mental habits.
U needs to train your ahamkara towards chitta and train your manas towards buddhi.
Don't do anything in life unless your buddhi tells you to do it.
Training the physical habits has a direct result in training the mind.
1. Get up from bed immediately. The no. of minutes that it takes you to get out of bed will tell you how lazy you are.
Regardless of Sunday or Monday, get up immediately at the time u want to instead of lazing around as it is a bad habit on both the physical and mental level.
2 Don't overeat or eat food that makes u lethargic.
3. If u remain idle without doing something useful, your mind thinks scattered and random thoughts and waste its energy.
Habit patterns weave your character;
Character composes your personality
Personality is who you are.
You are responsible for your habits patterns (although your family has also contributed to them through the way they brought you up and treated you in your childhood.)
Soul
This mornin woke up, feeling tired cos I was dreaming. Then I had a tot why meditate, no difference. I just replied at least I enjoy it. I may not know the benefits yet. Besides, perhaps that is why I found it difficult to intro meditation cos its personal and I enjoy it and besides no one has noticed any transformation.
For me, my auto control is gone and hence I am experiencing my internal mood swing. while I do experience mood swing, during meditation, I flower even more.
The more I allow my negative emotion to come out in the open, the more I allow my positive emotion to come out too.
So, the major transformation is the disappearance of my Auto-Control mode.
I used to be fearful of losing the switch. My switch is on ‘off mode’ now n I too gained the benefit of enjoyable meditation.
The mind raises questions such as "Shall I do this or not?". Whenever you consider doing something, suddenly a questioning comes into your mind and you wonder, "Shall I or not?" Shall I go this way or that way?"
There is always a doubting nature to your mind and that is the result of the faculty of manas. This constant doubt is called samkalpa vikalpa. Manas is an importer of external and exporter of internal. To do that it employs the senses.
But manas is limited as it can't make decision.
The decision maker is buddhi, the faculty of discrimination.
You are usually controlled by manas because you do not take the advice of buddhi, the higher function.
Buddhi - judges, discriminate and decide.
The deciding quality of buddhi is also important especially on timing of decision. If u miss to decide, an opportunity is lost.
Chitra - acquire knowledge - intuitive library within you.
Ahamkara - the sense of I-ness (ego). A high ego person always uses "I" a lot.
The higher ur ego, the more you do not communicate or relate well to others. The ego is helpful, provided you understand its intended role.
Manas - disturbs u with doubts n questions
Ahamkara - separates u from ur center of consciousness
Buddhi - discriminator
Chitta - intuitive library
The use of manas n ahamkara is due to mental habits.
U needs to train your ahamkara towards chitta and train your manas towards buddhi.
Don't do anything in life unless your buddhi tells you to do it.
Training the physical habits has a direct result in training the mind.
1. Get up from bed immediately. The no. of minutes that it takes you to get out of bed will tell you how lazy you are.
Regardless of Sunday or Monday, get up immediately at the time u want to instead of lazing around as it is a bad habit on both the physical and mental level.
2 Don't overeat or eat food that makes u lethargic.
3. If u remain idle without doing something useful, your mind thinks scattered and random thoughts and waste its energy.
Habit patterns weave your character;
Character composes your personality
Personality is who you are.
You are responsible for your habits patterns (although your family has also contributed to them through the way they brought you up and treated you in your childhood.)
Soul
This mornin woke up, feeling tired cos I was dreaming. Then I had a tot why meditate, no difference. I just replied at least I enjoy it. I may not know the benefits yet. Besides, perhaps that is why I found it difficult to intro meditation cos its personal and I enjoy it and besides no one has noticed any transformation.
For me, my auto control is gone and hence I am experiencing my internal mood swing. while I do experience mood swing, during meditation, I flower even more.
The more I allow my negative emotion to come out in the open, the more I allow my positive emotion to come out too.
So, the major transformation is the disappearance of my Auto-Control mode.
I used to be fearful of losing the switch. My switch is on ‘off mode’ now n I too gained the benefit of enjoyable meditation.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Meditation makes us conscious
Swami Rama
Meditation anhilates time and then you are free and can be here and now.
When we are not in touch with our Centre, our Soul, we are constantly afraid and insecure. We become caught up by our emotions. We hardly ever come into contact with our Centre from which consciousness flows.
The little bit of consciousness that we presently experience is only a dim consciousness.
Soul
Father, thank you. I was feeling bit lost and not sure of the meditations. While I enjoyed my meditation and look forward to my session, but so far I haven’t really seen any transformation in me except for stopping chewing gums and massages and my RA reading is good.
But you now by giving me Swami Rama’s book, you have guided me back on track again. I was greedy and in a rush for transformation.
After nearly at the end of F4, I finally got it. One of the reason I identify with the show is that I tot love is very difficult, has to go thru lots of challenges n fire before it can be considered true love. That is why when those guys said they don't want me or when things are difficult, I hold on and instead I should move on.
Finally I know that I want and deserved easy love. Love should be accessible as the air that I breathe. No more complicated guys n no more challenging/tricky situation like too young, too old, too poor, too smart, starting biz, building career., divorce, different race, different religion.
At first I was lamenting why no one for me yet? Of course, part of me was fearful also of receiving since my track record is quite bad even to the state of conning. I m glad, you didn't send anyone cos I wasn't ready. I still am not but I will work on remembering that I deserved easy love. My partner is rich, smart, down to earth and tall.
Meditation anhilates time and then you are free and can be here and now.
When we are not in touch with our Centre, our Soul, we are constantly afraid and insecure. We become caught up by our emotions. We hardly ever come into contact with our Centre from which consciousness flows.
The little bit of consciousness that we presently experience is only a dim consciousness.
Soul
Father, thank you. I was feeling bit lost and not sure of the meditations. While I enjoyed my meditation and look forward to my session, but so far I haven’t really seen any transformation in me except for stopping chewing gums and massages and my RA reading is good.
But you now by giving me Swami Rama’s book, you have guided me back on track again. I was greedy and in a rush for transformation.
After nearly at the end of F4, I finally got it. One of the reason I identify with the show is that I tot love is very difficult, has to go thru lots of challenges n fire before it can be considered true love. That is why when those guys said they don't want me or when things are difficult, I hold on and instead I should move on.
Finally I know that I want and deserved easy love. Love should be accessible as the air that I breathe. No more complicated guys n no more challenging/tricky situation like too young, too old, too poor, too smart, starting biz, building career., divorce, different race, different religion.
At first I was lamenting why no one for me yet? Of course, part of me was fearful also of receiving since my track record is quite bad even to the state of conning. I m glad, you didn't send anyone cos I wasn't ready. I still am not but I will work on remembering that I deserved easy love. My partner is rich, smart, down to earth and tall.
What is our mind?
Swami Rama
To be creative, you first have to be emotionally balanced, and to attain balance, you have to understand the negative emotions and how they arise. You have to understand how to use self counselling with them. But unless you regulate your primitive urge - food, sex, sleep and self preservation, your theraphy will not work.
You must learn to regulate the time at which you fulfill the urge. You also have to learn to cultivate and understand your positive emotion and then learn to express them through your mind, action and speech.
All actions are controlled by thoughts
All thoughts are controlled by emotions.
By comparison with your emotions, thought has little power, if you can use your emotional power constructively, you can channel it.
Then your emotional power can be utilised in a creative way and lead you to a height that will give you real happiness.
Soul - I tot is the tot that is powerful. Mmm.
Swami Rama
Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed, Guru Nanak. They were all born as a son of God, just like us.
They were great and powerful because they knew the inner dimensions of life and the laws that motivate them to function. They knew their internal states; they knew their own mind. Like all the great ones, in order to make spiritual progress you first need to understand your own thinking process and there are many levels to understand.
Action
Thoughts
Emotion
Fountains - food, sex, sleep and self preservation
A combination of your emotional life and your thinking process is what you call the mind.
You perceive things in different ways because you receive them from different angles.
The mind is the wall between you and reality. But at the same time, the mind can become the means for you to attain the highest goal in life - to know that dimension of life that is presently unknown to you.
The mind has 2 parts
1. Conscious - very small part, used during waking state
2. Unconscious - hidden, that dreams and sleep. Uncultivated, uncultured and unrefined
Only the great ones who were enlightened because they learned to control the unconscious mind. The sages know how to expand the conscious level of mind until nothing remains unconscious for them.
They expanded their field of the conscious mind and are conscious of that which is unconscious for you. For them, there is no such thing as past, present or future.
For you, because you have no present awareness, there are only past and future. You do not live in the here and now.
Your samskaras come forward constantly in your mind and motivates you to perform new actions in the present.
When this is not the case, then you are thinking about the future.
Soul
I always been fearful of being unconscious. The main crux of my path was to unravel all these unconsciousness so that I am aware and they don't lead my life. To me, they were doors that needs to be open, darkness that need to be cleared. Well, at least I am on the right path n the meditation helps to
consolidate me.
I never knew their power. I thought their power was the way operates us unconsciously.
Yea, the mind is on auto-wheel. Never let up. Everytime I have conquered something and jus started to rest, it will call to me. At first work, then meditation, then partner, then transformation, then others.....non-stop
Yea, I go back to the basic card. There is no need not strive to transform. Just my ego pushing me again.
To be creative, you first have to be emotionally balanced, and to attain balance, you have to understand the negative emotions and how they arise. You have to understand how to use self counselling with them. But unless you regulate your primitive urge - food, sex, sleep and self preservation, your theraphy will not work.
You must learn to regulate the time at which you fulfill the urge. You also have to learn to cultivate and understand your positive emotion and then learn to express them through your mind, action and speech.
All actions are controlled by thoughts
All thoughts are controlled by emotions.
By comparison with your emotions, thought has little power, if you can use your emotional power constructively, you can channel it.
Then your emotional power can be utilised in a creative way and lead you to a height that will give you real happiness.
Soul - I tot is the tot that is powerful. Mmm.
Swami Rama
Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed, Guru Nanak. They were all born as a son of God, just like us.
They were great and powerful because they knew the inner dimensions of life and the laws that motivate them to function. They knew their internal states; they knew their own mind. Like all the great ones, in order to make spiritual progress you first need to understand your own thinking process and there are many levels to understand.
Action
Thoughts
Emotion
Fountains - food, sex, sleep and self preservation
A combination of your emotional life and your thinking process is what you call the mind.
You perceive things in different ways because you receive them from different angles.
The mind is the wall between you and reality. But at the same time, the mind can become the means for you to attain the highest goal in life - to know that dimension of life that is presently unknown to you.
The mind has 2 parts
1. Conscious - very small part, used during waking state
2. Unconscious - hidden, that dreams and sleep. Uncultivated, uncultured and unrefined
Only the great ones who were enlightened because they learned to control the unconscious mind. The sages know how to expand the conscious level of mind until nothing remains unconscious for them.
They expanded their field of the conscious mind and are conscious of that which is unconscious for you. For them, there is no such thing as past, present or future.
For you, because you have no present awareness, there are only past and future. You do not live in the here and now.
Your samskaras come forward constantly in your mind and motivates you to perform new actions in the present.
When this is not the case, then you are thinking about the future.
Soul
I always been fearful of being unconscious. The main crux of my path was to unravel all these unconsciousness so that I am aware and they don't lead my life. To me, they were doors that needs to be open, darkness that need to be cleared. Well, at least I am on the right path n the meditation helps to
consolidate me.
I never knew their power. I thought their power was the way operates us unconsciously.
Yea, the mind is on auto-wheel. Never let up. Everytime I have conquered something and jus started to rest, it will call to me. At first work, then meditation, then partner, then transformation, then others.....non-stop
Yea, I go back to the basic card. There is no need not strive to transform. Just my ego pushing me again.
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