My heavy self judgement (Sun in Saturn)

May 11

Woke up okay at 4.30 am, decided to skip morning leisure breakfast during office days from now on. Not worth waking up early at 3.30 am.

Left shoulder was bit painful. Did Bhuta Shuddi followed by cat stretch. It was bit painful.
Did Angamardhana. Albeit the left shoulder slight pain it was a good one. On the squatting, first tot was not to do but I try and now hurt my back slightly cos pain in left shoulder unable to support and I jerked.
Hope it's okay by tomorrow. Can feel the stiffness.
Decided not to do Surya Kriya

Breathing was good. Being in awareness of my body. Feel contented.

Shakti good too. Did take a rest after second slow Kapala Bhakti. Towards the end just deep silence. Very fulfilled.

Shambavi was good. Towards the end just silence. Just nothing. Infact I find Shakti more fulfilling. Am I finally reaching stillness?.

Came to office. Bit hectic in the morning. Can feel my emotion spiral downward. Just want to be alone. Not sure why the spiral. Luckily got my Rudrashkh.

Was bit put off with myself for my inconsiderate remarks on the fellow meditator. Saying she is free now because her in law has most likely pass away. But that was in my mind. Never mind. I truly got much Saturn fighting with my Sun. Sun in me just want to let go but get hit by Saturn.
I can see this is causing my RA. Always biting up myself. Not even hurting anyone except of my own high standard. Mmm, that's why j spiral down. I was judging myself internally. No wonder I project it to P. She got higher standard than me. Even before she judge I already judged. So much self attach.


Secrets of Yoga
Patanjali
If u want to attain to the ultimate, u have to lose all. This is the way of true seeker; whatsoever he gains, he goes and sacrifices it to God.
Otherwise if u start clinging to the gifts, then and there ur progress stops. Then and there u make an abode and start living there.

Soul
This is to tell me whatever experience I have during Sadhana, don't cling.

Mmmmm also judging myself for spiral down despite such a high yesterday. Instead of seeing as bad. See it as good cos now I m aware of downward spiral. It take time to identify the source. Feel myself neutral again.

The secrets of yoga
U have a headache. Before u take aspirin, do a little meditation. It may be aspirin not needed then. Just close eyes and feel where the headache is exactly, pinpoint on it, focus on it. And u will be amazed that it is not such a big thing as u were imagining before. It is not spread all over the head. The more diffused the headache the more u r identified with it. The more clear, focused, defined, demarked, localised, the more distant u are.

Soul
Earlier just know feeling bad. Not sure why. Then was double by judging myself for feeling down.
Now I can see it was just my silly comment that I judged myself and fearful of how P judged me. Now I can see it. The bad feeling gone. Truly a small thing that cause me to feel bad and double by my self judgement.
When will this end?

The secrets of yoga
Again and again it will come. Again, focus; again it will disappear. At the perfect focusing u are so far away from ur head that u cannot feel the headache.


Soul
Key is to focus. And the first door is to be aware I self judge myself for feeling bad. So it prevent me from finding the issue that make me feel down in the first place.
I m just a sensitive person. That's my strength and weakness. No need to judge myself for being sensitive. That's where my receptivity to grace arose.