I can now doubt my mind

Jul 4
Woke up bit tired. Had a tot of Z but brushed it off.
Did my one cycle of Surya kriya followed by hata. Getting more nimble.
Breathing was fine. Shakti was good and main thing is I sat through without rest. This is the first time I did that. After 2 cycles of Kapala Bhakti I can feel feet not as cramped an a tot came to sit through. I did. I realised its my mind that wanted to rest as body can take it.
Was singing in my mind when I start Shambavi. My heads was shaking furiously during aum chanting. The physicals movement during aum is similar to breathe fluttering. Towards the end a deep silence. I sat for quite a long while. Plough back was good. I was laughing during prayer of thanks. I added Osho into my list. He truly has guided me loads with his darshan and tarot cards.

1. The Issue
Transformation
This is a time for deep let go. Allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there, accepting its facticity. Knowing there is nothing else more that u could do.

Soul
I accept my mind will still project tots of Z cos I m attached to him and I love him.
I let the tots run until it gets weird and I will ask mind to stop hurting us and it evaporates.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Politics
All but the most innocent and sincere of us have a politician lurking somewhere in our minds.

Soul
Have already known that minds cannot give anything new. Can only extrapolate the past.
Now I can see that mind keep on limiting me. With the slight disturbance, it will ask us to STOP. Whereas I now can see just need to slow down, go with the flow. Mind says I die if I change food. But now I can with ease.
Mind says I can't swim breast stroke. I can and body prefer it. Mind says I cannot breathe flutter on lying down posture but I can. Mind says I can't sit full Shakti but I can
I m beginning to doubt the mind especially when it generate hurting and attacking tots of Z. Truly not helping me, not for my well being. Truly not ME.
Mind says I can't go Kailash. I m doubting that. For now I plan 3 days walking.

3. External influence
Control
If u r uncontrolled, flowing, alive, then u r not nervous. There is no question of being nervous - whatsoever happens, happens. U have no expectation of future.

Soul
Two old friends - I no longer wish to spend time with them. I can see our values are different. And I can't be myself with them. So, its tiring.
The mind says I should not let go. But I let it be.
If Z can be off my life, why not them.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Understanding
Just drop clinging to this cage, move out of the cage and the whole sky is yours. Open ur wings and fly across the sun like an eagle.
There are thousands of flowers, uncountable, but they all become possible in the climate of freedom.

Soul
Yes. The past is gone. Not only Z is gone. The old me is gone.
I will fly like an eagle. If I m afraid, need not stop, just slow down.
I just decided that I will be one of lead coordinator for IE. No more resistance.
My new name Joy Ong is already established officially. My revamped website joyong.org be launched by end of this week. It is time I come out of closet. Show me up.
Time for new people aligned with my new values to show up. Amen.

5. Resolution
 Rebirth
Everything passes by you; ur consciousness reflects it but it does not get identified.
Ur consciousness is only a mirror. Things come and go.
Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being.

Soul
Very true. I am finally HOME.