Fear of water and yet happy

Jun 6 morning.
Woke up and had these tots. Quickly wrote it down

Clarity.
1. Ten of Clubs
No remorse. Must learn from them. 
Rather their parent is focused outside.
Mine too much inside hence RA.

Volunteer
Didn't enjoy it. Didn't find any fulfilment.
Woke up and realised I truly didn't enjoy volunteering.
Sad I was on it for so many years. No wonder I always said I don't want anything to happen.
It is mainly because of my validation issue..that arise in group relationship.

Did Bhuta Shuddhi followed by Surya Kriya. Alignment not great cos right elbow bit painful. Breathing was nice.
Shakti was good. Able to do slow Kapala Bhakti. Singing at the end.
Shambavi was awesome. Was having other people voices during aum chanting. Towards the end singing.

Today swimming. Fear came. I chant Brahmananda. Can't swim breast stroke. Even free style one direction only. At first judging myself. Then I start to laugh.
It's okay if I can't swim. I m okay. I m happy. It is okay if I judged myself failure it doesn't affect my happiness.
First time I fear water and yet feel happy.