Nine of Clubs - no more hands on volunteering

Jun 19 eve

This morning I knew I want to go to ashram. Tot I go with volunteer group.
Once I found out that volunteer plus special program takes 8 days immediately I start to reject it.
I knew its because my preference to be on my own time in ashram, being with Devi, dip in Teethakhoon, being in Dhynalinga, being with Vijii.

But then how to tell others that I want to go but not with them. This truly show I can't do volunteering. No more place to hide. Earlier I told them I can't go because of shifting house. Then tot of office work. But alas its because I truly not keen in volunteering. And when I go ashram I just want a quiet ashram. In the end that's me. Wanting nothing to happen.

During Sannidhi Pooja I knew I had to tell them. I really want to go ashram but in my own terms. I just want to be in comfort. Savouring ashram in my own time. I remember even Ayur Sampoorna I find that the schedule hectic no time for me to savour ashram.

Yes. Gather my courage and told my friends that I can't join them and I m planning a different trip. 

Father this is me. Lack parameter. Forgot that I m not keen in volunteering and jump on board. But these days I jump out faster. Ready to acknowledge I made a mistake.
Wonder if this is the defence mechanism that is lacking in me and hence over active inner defence mechanism.

2014/15 Ruling
Pluto
Queen of Spades
Somehow connected to ur result card you are attempting to develop a sense of mastery from within, a greater level of organisational ability or both. Self mastery comes from inner knowledge and self control. It is knowing u can have everything u want, not by changing the world but by changing yourself.
U will have to work hard this year and possibly doing work that u find somewhat distasteful.  Spades are work and the Queen using her work as karma yoga, a tool to purify her tots and emotions.
This is the goal u have set for urself and u must have good reason for why u want this. Keep this uppermost in ur mind as u progress through the year. U will no doubt have to make changes within and outside of urself  to achieve this goal.

Affirmation
I develop my capacity to transform my life by changing my beliefs, ideas, and concepts of the world. I become the master of myself.

Result
Nine of Clubs
Much of ur challenges is to let go of outworn ideas, projects, plans or way of communicating. This is a year of completion that may at times seem like disappointing endings.
The Nine of Clubs says that u are completing a major chapter in ur life and it is time to move on to greener pastures.
Be open to spiritual wisdom in all forms, as this will help make change easier.

Affirmation
I complete projects this year and let go of the past. I broaden my understanding by releasing old ways of thinking.

Soul
Truly a year of ending.
Finally realised that it was me who made my life miserable. It was me who couldn't let go of validation.
Now I do what I truly want. Now I can also undo what I decided. I can make mistake. I tend to jump in out of enthusiasm. Now can jump back out.
Also it's okay I m not in the same mode as the rest in Isha. Isha main stay is volunteering but I m not. Can't do it. Just not me. Just as they are not into shrine. They not so into intense sadhana.
I m now sure of my path. No longer need to follow them or to judge them. All of us on our individual path  and yet we can still be friends. True friends never part.