Peaceful silence despite sadness

May 23 eve

Towards the late evening I was still watching television. Didn't want to go to bed despite working day tomorrow. I knew I was disturbed.
Alas I forced myself to go to bedroom at 9.45 pm.
Shower and sat with shrine. I allow myself to feel the sadness. Fear of the unknown in office matters. Still not sure where are things headed. Not looking forward to office.

 Memories of Z and wife came back. Their loving rship and renovated house comes in. Tears came. But part of me also happy for them, knowing they meant to be. I knew that Z is not what I want. He is not someone that I can have deep conversations with. He has done his role by releasing me from my karmic sexual South Node in Scorpio.

Also knowing that their type of married life style is not what I truly want. While I want a marriage partner, I want someone I can grow with. Exchange ideas, deepening our sadhana. I know I won't be house proud like them. I also not so keen on cooking and entertaining.

After awhile, sadness subside and I went into deeper silence.
Peaceful silence. Sat for along while.
Went to bed at 10.35 pm but couldn't sleep.

So I just focus on the peaceful silence. Just being with the silence not feeling any frustration over unable to sleep. It was a long period before I finally slept. Body Woke up at 3 plus am fresh. I slept back and woke up 4.30 am. Body still fine. Thanks to Sannidhi.

Did Bhuta Shuddhi followed by cat stretch. Right shoulder still stiff. Can't lift up my hand normally. Decided to skip Surya Kriya.
Angamardhana was okay. I did slowly since my back still not fully healed. Skipped the skipping and lying down rolling. The warrior sitting without any prop was good. I was dancing and singing.

After Angamardhana Dhyna I sat longer for breathing meditation. It was so nice. Just feeling the silence.

Shakti was good. Some tots of Z and wife happy marriage came in. But I just let it be.

Shambavi is good. Contented silence. Just want to stay there.

Father, there is a silence beneath the tots. I now have to choice to choose which one I want to be. I can stay at the level of tots or go in deeper to the silence beneath.

Osho
A sincere person allows himself to be seen as he is. He invites u into his innermost core of being.
My whole effort is to help u to become sincere. I want you to laugh; I want you to weep. I want you to be sad sometimes, to be happy. But whatsoever u are, u are. Whatsoever u are inside, that's ur outside also. U are of one piece; then u will be alive, flowing, moving, growing, reaching to ur inner destiny, revealing, flowering, unfolding.