Energy Generator

About 2 weeks back, when my boss came back from a long holiday, I see her as totally different. So relaxed, so 'soft' and not her usual hard mode. I asked if she went to a Spa Detox centre and she looks so rejunevated and younger too. She looks so good and serene.

She said that whenever she is away, she destresses automatically. I told her that means internally she is ok and she absorbed easily from her environment and it stays with her.

I used to think that it was her affecting the people around her as most people are fearful of her and try as much as possible to avoid her. At times, I even thought of Hitler who lost the War as he cannot receive bad news. My boss also hates bad news and hence people hide from her. But in reality, she also absorb from us, so is a two-way thingy.

Yesterday evening, suddenly I thought of my boss is being an absorber of energy/vibes around her as she is sensitive and detailed. She has a threatening mode as her mgm style and hence creates fear in people.
She then absorb the fear from people and become heavily burden and also fearful.
In fear mode, unconsciously she further activated her defensive mechanism and becomes even more attacking and threatening.

She is always seems to be proud of her mgm style that has seem to bring her much success and hence keeps to it despite receiving much negative feedback.

What she is not aware and infact all of us also, is that both parties are 'linked'.

She is not aware of her defense mechanism and hence continue to issue threat whenever she feels insecure. Until she realise she is at the receiving end and only hurts herself, the cycle continue.

She has a choice as she is the generator.

If she realise she is the generator and also the one who is at the receiving end, she can make a choice to be generate positive energy and hence will receive positively.

I realise she is very comfortable with me. Firstly, I am generally not fearful of her and at times seems immune to her anger. So, since I have no negative vibes, she didn't absorb any, and hence she stay ok....Now I know why she is comfortable with me.

I wonder, what is my issue. What is my mirror here?

Father, last week asked me to jump n said I was flowering n I know my political mind was working.

While d flowering, I did by having d blog. But the jump, I did not.

This week, my Osho card (http://www.osho.com/Main.cfm?Area=Magazine&Sub1Menu=Tarot&Sub2Menu=OshoZenTarot&Language=English) gave me the following 5 cards.
1. Receptivity
2. Internal politics
3. The burden from outside.
4. Adventure
5. Harmony

Father, what is it? I just know that my ego was glad I didn't have to make a move to Internal audit or to talk to my ex ex boss last Friday.
However, weekend, I was not feeling good

Father, how do I know which is real. Is the IA real.

Anyway, not sure of IA or what. But am sure it was my pride that hinders me from contacting my ex ex boss.

So, just now send him a sms greeting. Felt ok, didn't felt the terrible feeling. He replied n that is good.

Father, let me greet this day as I m meant to do.
Let me be mindful of my political mind.

While I am not sure of what I wan. I know m no longer fearful of moving up the career path.

This is how I read and interpreted the cards:
Political mind
The truth cannot be achieved. It is already the case. Only the lie has to be dropped.
Striving after truth is a distraction and a postponement.
See the lie, look deep into the lie of your personality. (Alas, I have always just do elimination method,.... I tot my role now is to see what I really wan and not jus be in the middle, not happy yet afraid to move)

I don't know what is real. What I know is:
1. don't like detailed work
2. Don't like my boss threatening style
3. I am not as adaptable as I think I am. I don’t think I can take as much ‘suffering’ as I thought I can.
4. I like work which use my mind, don’t like to be hurried so I can explore various scenarios, like the Action Plan..and give me the A Ha moments.
5. I am afraid to try anything else, afraid to fall into another frying pan. Afraid that I have no energy anymore to fight. These past 6 mths was difficult - May to Jan - 9 mths.
6. Afraid this will look bad on my resume.

Father, I just see the burden card, is me carrying the load to conquer my dislike for reporting n my dislike for no growth.

I tot, jus like my friend, we meant to suffer before we can succeed. We meant to suffer n overcome. My friend keep on highlighting that I didn't suffer enough and that I was pampered and that I was judgemental towards others. My ex staff also said that I was too pampered. (These 2 believes in suffering. 1 due to low self esteem and the other due to Christianity).

Father, what is d lie
Can I lie n pretend I like it.

Adventure
Insecurity is the only way to grow. To face danger is the only way to grow, to accept the challenge of the unknown is the only way to grow.
Adventure - require trust.

Harmony
Listen to your heart.
Move according to your heart, whatsoever the stake.
To reach God, you have to choose to be simple.


With meditation, let yourself be softer and more receptive because an inexpressible joy is waiting for you just around the corner.
Nobody can point it to you.
Its there, deep within.

Father, after all this deliberation, I still do not know what is right.

What I know is that my mind is political. I will just continue to do my yoga kriya meditation until the matters clears up. Just have to remind myself my mind has been in operation for 40 plus years and here my Kriya only 3 months plus.

So, just give myself time, amen

Everything is not as real as you may think

Sadhguru (encounter the Enlightened)
Everything is transient. When u finally realised that everything that you perceive n feel may not be real, you won't take yourself seriously.
You will loosen up and not stuck to anything.
When you are not stuck to anything, you have the option to withdraw or to particpate, but there is no suffering. If you want to, you can suffer too, knowing it won't last.

So, you can't do anything without fear of being stuck with something and there will be no escape.

Even if you cry, it is no longer suffering and when u finished crying, you are a new being.

Soul
Yeah, about 2 weeks ago, I suddenly breakdown and cried and wail that I am unable to deliver my job. So many reporting to do and I am not good enough. Why did I have to suffer. What have I done. Why me.
I cried and wail during my drive home. When I reached home, the tears stop and I feel released, the heart feel light and I don't feel the suffering anymore.

It has been 10 days since my cry and I have less resistant towards reporting. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, I told myself that I can only do 1 report at a time, I can't do all consecutively. I have been able to inform HQ whenever I think I cannot meet their deadline. No longer mind that they know I can't keep up to their schedule. So, I am managing my fear of being inadequate, not keeping up.

But, like he said, the suffering was transient and I need not fear that the crying/suffering is endless. Amen.

Looking for God even when you feel good

This mornin, I didn't do kriya. Was feeling good n tot no need to do kriya tonight n go eat dinner cos feeling hungry.

Then I recall Sadhguru's book; people go to temple to pray when they feel bad. They forget abt God when they feel good. I also recall he said that yoga should be part of our life and shld be even more important than our life.

I start to think, yeah. I normally do kriya becos I don't feel good, so had to find release and the experience is wonderful.

I wonder what is my experience when I do kriya without needing any release.

Below is my experience - amazing.

When my stomach was sucked in, as norm, I lifted my head n start to open my mouth. But this time, I felt my head was pulled back and my chin was stretched to the max. I started to feel bit afraid but I let it be. Then it relaxes and I tot there be laughter as usual.

But no laughter coming out. So I just be n was still n felt good. The stretch was a good release.

Then suddenly my stomach was sucked in again n yet there was no inclination to lift n push my head. Instead, my head in normal position and I was breathing normally. But its not a normal breathing, is as if something lead the air thru my nose and I felt the breath was circulating at the nostril at even speed, with my stomach still sucked in throughout the whole time.

Amazing, tot this is physically not possible, we'll at least not by me, who I view as physicall lacked coordination.

Then I tot that was d end but I started to laugh n laugh non stop.

My mind said that is enough n I stop n start to open my eyes. Eyes can be open. So, I tot yeah, good, its over.

Then, I started to do my ending aum, but laughter burst out of me again and it continue for a few moments n then all become quiet.

This is amazing.

Something is OuT there or shld I say Something is IN here within me. Amen