Mar 8 Eve
Father, my body is aching, my throat is sore and I can't eat. I had a lovely beef clear soup with sliced pancake, which is very good. The roasted pike perch is also good but I just cannot eat. I was able to eat some potato.
I just want to sleep of the bad cold.
Today, I was bit angry with E for being so stubborn. I was surprised but I found myself reminding him that he said I could change what I want. That was our first battle, the beginning of many. But the good thing is we make up afterwards. We both genuinely like each other.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Nothing to lose is to be come fearless; is to be my true Self
Mar 8
Father, one more night to go. I want to go back. While I like western food, my nose cannot stand the dry weather. I am having a sore throat now cos cannot breathe through the bleeding nose.
Today I woke up at 3 am and then I slept back till 4.50 am and did my practice. I didn't do suria today. I just proceed to do meditation. It was fine. There were some tots but now I can choose to ignore it.
Father, I have been frontal with teacher and also my friends at Isha.
Soul without sham
The moment when some part of u stands up and says, "Enough!". Until now, u were willing to keep negotiating, accommodating, and adjusting to try to get around the judge. The time has come to do something different, to break out of the loop. One form the feeling takes when it arrives is quite distinctive: it u don't act, u feel u might just explode.
One of the most common discomforts of aggressive direct response to the judge is feeling that it is not nice and is even downright hostile or violent. Yes, it is hostile and it's not nice - and for good reason: u r defending ur life. If u r constrained by the need to be polite and considerate, u will never regain ur inner freedom. It is the judge that demands those niceties toward others while disregarding the integrity of ur soul. U must learn to protect urself from inner attacks and perhaps the most difficult step in doing so is confronting ur reluctance to use the full force, of ur instinctual energy in defending. If u don't use it to support ur truth, the judge will continue to use it against u.
Soul
I am now using it. It started with Z and then Ze from new office and then with N and now with teacher. Father, I am now letting all my weakness come out, the emotional me, the vulnerable me, the not so nice me, the lazy me, the alone me.
Soul without shame
Value is an expression of what an object or experience means to u, either by itself or in relation to other things.
The unshakable belief that everyone carries is that u must earn value, be given it, be blessed with it or in some way receive it. It isn't there as a natural birth right. Like everyone else, ur parents believed in value as an acquired quality, so they did not recognise or mirror ur own inherent value.
As a result, u got a clear message that value was achieved in certain ways, by meeting certain standards. If u didn't meet those standards or engage in the prescribed activities, u came to be believe u were not as valuable.
Each time u turn toward something else as the source of ur value in the moment, u must ask why. How did u learn to value something else more than ur own being.
One dimension of maturing is the continual transformation in what we feel is important in life - changes in value.
The judge mercilessly dictates standards and ideas about what gives u value and what doesn't. It is more loyal to those standards than it is to u. It is convinced that ur self-worth can feel secure only if u measure up - continue to measure up. The judge believes all will be lost if u don't, so it motivates u, rewards u, chides u, punishes u, encourages u, rails against u, all in an effort to keep u focused on its set of values. It u don't meet the standards or decide they r not important, it tells u that u r worthless. Thus ur self-esteem is constantly manipulated by the judge.
By being willing to experience without judgement, it is to feel that u r without value is the doorway to truly valuing who u r.
Soul
Whenever I feel sad, I have learned to allow it to be expressed and not judge myself weak and hold it back. When I feel angry, I allow it to be expressed and not judge myself weak and hold it back.
Soul without shame
Most often, value seems given to u through the appreciation and approval of those u love, admire and depend on.
What is "striking" is how easily these "sources" of value change.
Value seems completely relative - always dependent on where u r in ur life, what u r doing, and how things are going. It is because of ur belief that value lies outside of u that u abandon urself, turn ur back on ur own truth and listen to ur judge. This belief is the source of self-betrayal that is revealed as u pursue ur process of self-discovery.
The journey of inner unfoldment becomes successful the more u r able to value urself regardless of what is going on in ur life.
U must learn to value who u r more than what u do, whom u know, how u feel, what u think and how u behave. Only in this way, will u find the motivation to be urself fully and deeply, no matter what.
What is needed is to begin to experience value as a state of being u can feel and know in urself directly. It arises in the heart as a sweet, velvet liquid of luscious, amber nectar. Value has a preciousness and a richness that is both light and substantial at the same time. When experienced, this quality gives u a sense of home and a feeling that u have a right to be here because u r made of the same essential substance as everything else in the universe.
The more u taste this heart quality, the more u realise it is at the very center of ur life. It is there waiting to be revealed at the heart of every tot, feeling, action, role or experience that arises out of u. The value remains no matter what form ur life takes. It is the nature of who u r.
Soul
I experienced it. It is such a luscious delightful sweet feeling of fulfillment and contentment
Soul without shame
For u to act freshly and without judgemental constriction, u must know urself in a way not defined by ur history.
Soul
I overcome that by knowing "There is nothing to lose". When I know that, I just act without fear. I follow my truth of the moment.
Father, one more night to go. I want to go back. While I like western food, my nose cannot stand the dry weather. I am having a sore throat now cos cannot breathe through the bleeding nose.
Today I woke up at 3 am and then I slept back till 4.50 am and did my practice. I didn't do suria today. I just proceed to do meditation. It was fine. There were some tots but now I can choose to ignore it.
Father, I have been frontal with teacher and also my friends at Isha.
Soul without sham
The moment when some part of u stands up and says, "Enough!". Until now, u were willing to keep negotiating, accommodating, and adjusting to try to get around the judge. The time has come to do something different, to break out of the loop. One form the feeling takes when it arrives is quite distinctive: it u don't act, u feel u might just explode.
One of the most common discomforts of aggressive direct response to the judge is feeling that it is not nice and is even downright hostile or violent. Yes, it is hostile and it's not nice - and for good reason: u r defending ur life. If u r constrained by the need to be polite and considerate, u will never regain ur inner freedom. It is the judge that demands those niceties toward others while disregarding the integrity of ur soul. U must learn to protect urself from inner attacks and perhaps the most difficult step in doing so is confronting ur reluctance to use the full force, of ur instinctual energy in defending. If u don't use it to support ur truth, the judge will continue to use it against u.
Soul
I am now using it. It started with Z and then Ze from new office and then with N and now with teacher. Father, I am now letting all my weakness come out, the emotional me, the vulnerable me, the not so nice me, the lazy me, the alone me.
Soul without shame
Value is an expression of what an object or experience means to u, either by itself or in relation to other things.
The unshakable belief that everyone carries is that u must earn value, be given it, be blessed with it or in some way receive it. It isn't there as a natural birth right. Like everyone else, ur parents believed in value as an acquired quality, so they did not recognise or mirror ur own inherent value.
As a result, u got a clear message that value was achieved in certain ways, by meeting certain standards. If u didn't meet those standards or engage in the prescribed activities, u came to be believe u were not as valuable.
Each time u turn toward something else as the source of ur value in the moment, u must ask why. How did u learn to value something else more than ur own being.
One dimension of maturing is the continual transformation in what we feel is important in life - changes in value.
The judge mercilessly dictates standards and ideas about what gives u value and what doesn't. It is more loyal to those standards than it is to u. It is convinced that ur self-worth can feel secure only if u measure up - continue to measure up. The judge believes all will be lost if u don't, so it motivates u, rewards u, chides u, punishes u, encourages u, rails against u, all in an effort to keep u focused on its set of values. It u don't meet the standards or decide they r not important, it tells u that u r worthless. Thus ur self-esteem is constantly manipulated by the judge.
By being willing to experience without judgement, it is to feel that u r without value is the doorway to truly valuing who u r.
Soul
Whenever I feel sad, I have learned to allow it to be expressed and not judge myself weak and hold it back. When I feel angry, I allow it to be expressed and not judge myself weak and hold it back.
Soul without shame
Most often, value seems given to u through the appreciation and approval of those u love, admire and depend on.
What is "striking" is how easily these "sources" of value change.
Value seems completely relative - always dependent on where u r in ur life, what u r doing, and how things are going. It is because of ur belief that value lies outside of u that u abandon urself, turn ur back on ur own truth and listen to ur judge. This belief is the source of self-betrayal that is revealed as u pursue ur process of self-discovery.
The journey of inner unfoldment becomes successful the more u r able to value urself regardless of what is going on in ur life.
U must learn to value who u r more than what u do, whom u know, how u feel, what u think and how u behave. Only in this way, will u find the motivation to be urself fully and deeply, no matter what.
What is needed is to begin to experience value as a state of being u can feel and know in urself directly. It arises in the heart as a sweet, velvet liquid of luscious, amber nectar. Value has a preciousness and a richness that is both light and substantial at the same time. When experienced, this quality gives u a sense of home and a feeling that u have a right to be here because u r made of the same essential substance as everything else in the universe.
The more u taste this heart quality, the more u realise it is at the very center of ur life. It is there waiting to be revealed at the heart of every tot, feeling, action, role or experience that arises out of u. The value remains no matter what form ur life takes. It is the nature of who u r.
Soul
I experienced it. It is such a luscious delightful sweet feeling of fulfillment and contentment
Soul without shame
For u to act freshly and without judgemental constriction, u must know urself in a way not defined by ur history.
Soul
I overcome that by knowing "There is nothing to lose". When I know that, I just act without fear. I follow my truth of the moment.
I follow my body
Mar 7
Father, woke up at 4 am this morning. I was really tired and slept back and wait till alarm at 5.05 am. I finished my practice by 7.24 am. Just had breakfast and today I gone bit normal. Didn't over eat like yesterday.
Asanas was fine and I was laughing. The plough back not that great. I was able to shake off tots on teacher but on Z, nope as it was pleasurable. At least now I know I can shake of negative ones.
Shakti is good and Shambavi too. I found my surka kriya is better due to more attention. Aum chanting of course is fine now but no laughing today. Towards the end, I was fine and then laughing. Suddenly I found myself singing the chinese song, "only u in my heart", followed by loads crying. I was surprised at the tears and went into my feeling
Father, woke up at 4 am this morning. I was really tired and slept back and wait till alarm at 5.05 am. I finished my practice by 7.24 am. Just had breakfast and today I gone bit normal. Didn't over eat like yesterday.
Asanas was fine and I was laughing. The plough back not that great. I was able to shake off tots on teacher but on Z, nope as it was pleasurable. At least now I know I can shake of negative ones.
Shakti is good and Shambavi too. I found my surka kriya is better due to more attention. Aum chanting of course is fine now but no laughing today. Towards the end, I was fine and then laughing. Suddenly I found myself singing the chinese song, "only u in my heart", followed by loads crying. I was surprised at the tears and went into my feeling
My confidence is not real
Mar 6
Father, did suria and my body loves it. It was effortless despite the slight pain on my knee.
When I did shakti and shambavi, there were tots of z and teacher. When tots of teacher came. I just let it roll and didn't participate.
I am feeling much better now. And the next time if she said we r to overcome our likes and dislikes, then I asked her first to overcome her own likes for N before she asked us to overcome our dislikes. Secondly, my tolerance level is so high that if someone annoys me, he/she must have serious problem. Thirdly if she keep on saying there is no leader, then I said why we have to follow her.
Father, I am glad this incident with teacher/N happens cos I can relived my past issue of hidden unfairness, my issue of not able to say No to my self-control.
Soul without shame
Many times in ur childhood, u were faced with a choice of whether to stay with ur own experience - what u were feeling as true and real or to turn ur back on that reality and adopt the one presented to u by parents and family. To reject the latter would have threatened u with rejection, isolation, abandonment, and possibly even death. Inevitably u choose to accept and operate within the consensus reality of ur familial environment, seeing others and urself the way outside influences mirrored these things.
Self-betrayal is another term for self-rejection, which was the result of distancing urself from ur own feelings as a child.
The more u see the process of judge in action, the more u see that it takes u away from the truth. U r not a helpless child, and all these worries and problems are not important enough to constantly bend u out of shape.
It is time to stand up and speak for urself and the truth of ur experience. It is time to activate ur essential strength.
Soul
True. I who seem to be so confident and in control and always dismissed what I don't want, is actually afraid of losing control, afraid of expressing my feelings and afraid to go for what I want.
This is the final call.
Soul without shame
The energy for active defending is available to u the moment u recognise that ur deepest nature is being constricted by the experience of being attacked. This strength springs from a desire to be free of frustrating and limiting identifications. Ultimately, this truth is nothing but the integrity and aliveness of the human soul
Soul
Will allow the release of my self control and to accept it and not feel guilty for having the feelings.
Soul without shame
This essential quality may begin as anger as the debilitating effect of self-judgement but it emerges as an assertive strength to be urself without the need for acceptance, approval or acknowledgment of anyone else. Most fundamentally, it is the strength to be urself without a self-image but with a sense of presence that is grounded, clear and vitally alive.
Soul
Its time I allow my weak self to show. To accept myself for feeling weak. Accept myself for low tolerance level. Accept myself for being afraid of new responsibilities. Accept myself for laziness, for procrastination. Accept myself for all the weakness in me. Accept myself for not showing up to the self-image I have.
My self-image
1. Confident
2. In control of myself
3. Emotionally strong
4. Smart
5. Perseverance
6. High tolerance
7. Ability to say no.
8. Not afraid of challenges
9. Can take new responsibilities, leadership
10. Kind
11. Well-balanced
12. Logical
13. Empathetic
14. Good communicator
15. Not good in romantic relationship
16. Good in work relationship
17. Love food.
Father, I am willing to release my self-image, especially the part of good self-control.
Soul without shame
Strength is the essential aspect that the judge is most effective at blocking - the part of ur essence that was especially undermined by the judgements of powerful adults. No u can begin a vital aspect of ur journey: recovering that compassionate, intelligent vitality - the strength essence.
The key is to respond to ur bodily experience, not to the words in ur mind whenever ur inner judge is in action.
Soul
I know. When I didn't want to go for volunteering and the judge force me. My mind was agreeing to it but my body cried out in resistance. I followed my body instead.
Soul without shame
When strength is present, u feel alive, awake and prepared to take appropriate action to deal with anything that stands in the way of ur living ur life. This quality separates u from old self-images that might lure u into engaging with the judge and also gives u the energy and capacity to stop further attacks or attempts of the judge to take control.
One of the most common discomforts of aggressive direct response to the judge is feeling that it is not nice and is even downright hostile or violent.
Yes, it is hostile, and its not nice - and for good reason, u r defending ur life. If u r constrained by the need to be polite and considerate, u will never grow
Father, did suria and my body loves it. It was effortless despite the slight pain on my knee.
When I did shakti and shambavi, there were tots of z and teacher. When tots of teacher came. I just let it roll and didn't participate.
I am feeling much better now. And the next time if she said we r to overcome our likes and dislikes, then I asked her first to overcome her own likes for N before she asked us to overcome our dislikes. Secondly, my tolerance level is so high that if someone annoys me, he/she must have serious problem. Thirdly if she keep on saying there is no leader, then I said why we have to follow her.
Father, I am glad this incident with teacher/N happens cos I can relived my past issue of hidden unfairness, my issue of not able to say No to my self-control.
Soul without shame
Many times in ur childhood, u were faced with a choice of whether to stay with ur own experience - what u were feeling as true and real or to turn ur back on that reality and adopt the one presented to u by parents and family. To reject the latter would have threatened u with rejection, isolation, abandonment, and possibly even death. Inevitably u choose to accept and operate within the consensus reality of ur familial environment, seeing others and urself the way outside influences mirrored these things.
Self-betrayal is another term for self-rejection, which was the result of distancing urself from ur own feelings as a child.
The more u see the process of judge in action, the more u see that it takes u away from the truth. U r not a helpless child, and all these worries and problems are not important enough to constantly bend u out of shape.
It is time to stand up and speak for urself and the truth of ur experience. It is time to activate ur essential strength.
Soul
True. I who seem to be so confident and in control and always dismissed what I don't want, is actually afraid of losing control, afraid of expressing my feelings and afraid to go for what I want.
This is the final call.
Soul without shame
The energy for active defending is available to u the moment u recognise that ur deepest nature is being constricted by the experience of being attacked. This strength springs from a desire to be free of frustrating and limiting identifications. Ultimately, this truth is nothing but the integrity and aliveness of the human soul
Soul
Will allow the release of my self control and to accept it and not feel guilty for having the feelings.
Soul without shame
This essential quality may begin as anger as the debilitating effect of self-judgement but it emerges as an assertive strength to be urself without the need for acceptance, approval or acknowledgment of anyone else. Most fundamentally, it is the strength to be urself without a self-image but with a sense of presence that is grounded, clear and vitally alive.
Soul
Its time I allow my weak self to show. To accept myself for feeling weak. Accept myself for low tolerance level. Accept myself for being afraid of new responsibilities. Accept myself for laziness, for procrastination. Accept myself for all the weakness in me. Accept myself for not showing up to the self-image I have.
My self-image
1. Confident
2. In control of myself
3. Emotionally strong
4. Smart
5. Perseverance
6. High tolerance
7. Ability to say no.
8. Not afraid of challenges
9. Can take new responsibilities, leadership
10. Kind
11. Well-balanced
12. Logical
13. Empathetic
14. Good communicator
15. Not good in romantic relationship
16. Good in work relationship
17. Love food.
Father, I am willing to release my self-image, especially the part of good self-control.
Soul without shame
Strength is the essential aspect that the judge is most effective at blocking - the part of ur essence that was especially undermined by the judgements of powerful adults. No u can begin a vital aspect of ur journey: recovering that compassionate, intelligent vitality - the strength essence.
The key is to respond to ur bodily experience, not to the words in ur mind whenever ur inner judge is in action.
Soul
I know. When I didn't want to go for volunteering and the judge force me. My mind was agreeing to it but my body cried out in resistance. I followed my body instead.
Soul without shame
When strength is present, u feel alive, awake and prepared to take appropriate action to deal with anything that stands in the way of ur living ur life. This quality separates u from old self-images that might lure u into engaging with the judge and also gives u the energy and capacity to stop further attacks or attempts of the judge to take control.
One of the most common discomforts of aggressive direct response to the judge is feeling that it is not nice and is even downright hostile or violent.
Yes, it is hostile, and its not nice - and for good reason, u r defending ur life. If u r constrained by the need to be polite and considerate, u will never grow
I compromise because I don't want to lose control, to be emotional
Mar 5 Eve
Osho
1. The issue
Fighting
An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with our amour we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.
If this description seems to fit u, its time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to u if u just let it in. Start by forgiving urself; u r worth it.
Soul
Yea. I will tell teacher that I am not affected by N per se except that he is affecting others. I see him quite harmless as he doesn't have true power. What I was triggered was by teacher defending him over and over again and even by scolding us for not respecting him. Whereas his off-putting emails were not even chastised at all. And he also cannot lead nor gather any team and here we have been doing that. Instead we r asked to seek leadership from someone who can't do it.
Me, heavy duty volunteering cos I don't want to do it. I don't expect appreciation but neither do I expect to be scolded.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Awareness
This mind give u a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by the projections of the future, u go on living - at the minimum. U don't live at the maximum. Ur flame remains very dim.
Once u start dropping tots, the dust u have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. Ur whole life becomes a flame, and a flame without any smoke. That is what awareness is.
A channel is now opening from the circumference of activity to that center of witnessing. It will help u to become detached and a new awareness will lift the veil from ur eyes.
3. External influence
Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen on its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful. U don't depend on others and u don't make others dependent on u.
U r no longer interested in all kinds of dramas and romances that other people are engaged in. It is not a loss. It is the birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectation or demands.
4. What to do
Suppression
It is dangerous to keep all those inhibitions inside u. Insanity is nothing but all these suppressions coming to a point where u cannot control them anymore.
The figure in this card is quite literally "all tied up in knots". His light still shines within but he has repressed his own vitality trying to meet so many demands and expectations. He has given up all his own power and vision in return for being accepted by the very same forces that have imprisoned him.
5. Resolution
Compromise.
Compromise may be a way of not going in either direction or it may just be a repression of ur confusion. It will assert itself. Never repress anything, be clear-cut about ur situation.
And if u r confused, remember that u r confused. This will be the first clear-cut thing about u; that u r confused. U have started on the journey.
Soul
Same msg as Soul without shame.
Compromise is betraying our own truth, betraying our self, self-rejection.
Osho
1. The issue
Fighting
An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with our amour we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.
If this description seems to fit u, its time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to u if u just let it in. Start by forgiving urself; u r worth it.
Soul
Yea. I will tell teacher that I am not affected by N per se except that he is affecting others. I see him quite harmless as he doesn't have true power. What I was triggered was by teacher defending him over and over again and even by scolding us for not respecting him. Whereas his off-putting emails were not even chastised at all. And he also cannot lead nor gather any team and here we have been doing that. Instead we r asked to seek leadership from someone who can't do it.
Me, heavy duty volunteering cos I don't want to do it. I don't expect appreciation but neither do I expect to be scolded.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Awareness
This mind give u a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by the projections of the future, u go on living - at the minimum. U don't live at the maximum. Ur flame remains very dim.
Once u start dropping tots, the dust u have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. Ur whole life becomes a flame, and a flame without any smoke. That is what awareness is.
A channel is now opening from the circumference of activity to that center of witnessing. It will help u to become detached and a new awareness will lift the veil from ur eyes.
3. External influence
Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen on its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful. U don't depend on others and u don't make others dependent on u.
U r no longer interested in all kinds of dramas and romances that other people are engaged in. It is not a loss. It is the birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectation or demands.
4. What to do
Suppression
It is dangerous to keep all those inhibitions inside u. Insanity is nothing but all these suppressions coming to a point where u cannot control them anymore.
The figure in this card is quite literally "all tied up in knots". His light still shines within but he has repressed his own vitality trying to meet so many demands and expectations. He has given up all his own power and vision in return for being accepted by the very same forces that have imprisoned him.
5. Resolution
Compromise.
Compromise may be a way of not going in either direction or it may just be a repression of ur confusion. It will assert itself. Never repress anything, be clear-cut about ur situation.
And if u r confused, remember that u r confused. This will be the first clear-cut thing about u; that u r confused. U have started on the journey.
Soul
Same msg as Soul without shame.
Compromise is betraying our own truth, betraying our self, self-rejection.
Helplessness - feeling of contriction
Mar 5
Father, I miss Z already. Luckily the 13 hours flight is over. I think I barely slept cos the seat is so upright. But I watched 2 nice movies. The food was good too.
Soul without shame
As soon as u become identified with the small helpless child in u, ur experience is dramatically limited. Other people look like ur judge; u expect to be attacked; u feel contracted and uncomfortable; ur awareness is limited; and u have few options for behaviour. Ur self-image has completely closed u in, as though u have entered a room with no windows. U feel a lack of inner spaciousness.
Soul
When I meditate I felt such spaciousness. The recent tightness was caused by the new company.
Father, I don't know about my decision. I still want to retire. But the incident on Z and teacher shows me I still have room to grow.
Soul
I guess that's how I feel when I volunteer in Isha. I had a huge sense of relief when I told them I want out. Alas it has not happen yet. I did skip out of one volunteering event and it cause me such turmoil. I felt bad for not going. But I also know I really don't want to go.
(Apr 1 - I am still in.)
Father, I miss Z already. Luckily the 13 hours flight is over. I think I barely slept cos the seat is so upright. But I watched 2 nice movies. The food was good too.
Soul without shame
As soon as u become identified with the small helpless child in u, ur experience is dramatically limited. Other people look like ur judge; u expect to be attacked; u feel contracted and uncomfortable; ur awareness is limited; and u have few options for behaviour. Ur self-image has completely closed u in, as though u have entered a room with no windows. U feel a lack of inner spaciousness.
Soul
When I meditate I felt such spaciousness. The recent tightness was caused by the new company.
Father, I don't know about my decision. I still want to retire. But the incident on Z and teacher shows me I still have room to grow.
Soul
I guess that's how I feel when I volunteer in Isha. I had a huge sense of relief when I told them I want out. Alas it has not happen yet. I did skip out of one volunteering event and it cause me such turmoil. I felt bad for not going. But I also know I really don't want to go.
(Apr 1 - I am still in.)
Unfairness issue - feeling put upon; loss of authority
Mar 4 Eve
Father, I did have some tots on Z not calling me back and I will miss him when I am in Germany. I told myself that even if he doesn't call me back, doesn't mean I am not lovable. I am sure we r fine and we be back to usual when I am back from Germany.
I just got over the hoo hah with my mind on teacher and N and had a breakthru on the mirror between my mother and brother. It was just projection. I forgot that when my emotion is higher than norm, then it is projection of inner.
To my surprise, Z called back when I didn't expect it. .
Father, it was also the sense of unfairness I had on Isha volunteering. Why other people can back out? Why can't I? I guess this could also be why can't my mom let neighbour take my elder sis, why take me? Just because I have the attributes, why it have to be me that is being sacrificed? Why do I still have to volunteer after so many rounds of being 'put off?
Thanks to teacher and N, I will explore this. This being put upon and unfairness issue is still new to me. I want to get to the root as this is the cause of RA.
I also realised that I am not triggered by N cos I think he is foolish unlikeable person. He doesn't affect me per se unless I felt that he was encroaching and giving me orders. Then I will tell him off. Teacher is the one who can trigger me whenever she scolds me for taking a jibe or telling N off.
Father, I know its a feeling of being put on, feeling of unfairness.
How can I turn this around? Guide me.
A tot came. I am an adult now. I have the capability to turn the situation around. I stood my ground when my mother said I was not nice to my brother for having said that I won't let him have the master bedroom since I owned the house.
I didn't realise it but I was forced to buy the house. I was financially able to do so. I bought the family house and now have to take care of my parents and brother's family too. But that one I was fine cos my brother take cares of my parents. Guess this is why all of us have a feeling of unfairness towards my elder brother. He doesn't have to take care of parents, hardly gave them money and yet he got the best treatment. Again, mom said she is keeping the harmony in the house.
Mmm, a tot came. Is this love? If I want to compare, I does the same to Z too. With Z, he failed me time and time again but I still give him chance. Part of me holding on cos I knew he is my Cosmic Lesson and Reward card. And it was confirmed when I knew his lesson for me is soul mate relationship. With him my lesson was in letting go of control and trusting faith.
I can defend myself and said no to being good. If she harp on me being joy. Then I will tell her that if even such a joyful person like me can be triggered, then he must be really annoying. But I was not triggered by him cos he is quite harmless. Infact, I was triggered by the fact teacher allows him to continue and even more so for him to lead. She is backing the wrong horse. She disappointed me further by defending him whenever and wherever possible, condoning his action.
Soul without shame
When the spaciousness is missing, u have a very different sense about living ur life. U feel under pressured, hemmed in by the choices u make, tense in ur body, or held back in ur self-expression. The externals of ur life put stress on u, u feel trapped by ur schedules, ur commitment, the demands of others and ur own limited energy. Ur judge is active. It is at these times that u find urself consciously saying, "I need space!" or perhaps, "I need time to slow down, to relax, to take a vacation and get away from it all."
Soul
That's how I feel now. Previously only current company and Isha. When I have the new company, which I am excited about, I wanted to release Isha. But I was caught by M's transfer back to India.
I lost my 4 days week, my time with Z, my time in writing my stories and updating blog.
I was so happy with a 4.5 days week. I just need to breathe. To get away from all.
Father, I did have some tots on Z not calling me back and I will miss him when I am in Germany. I told myself that even if he doesn't call me back, doesn't mean I am not lovable. I am sure we r fine and we be back to usual when I am back from Germany.
I just got over the hoo hah with my mind on teacher and N and had a breakthru on the mirror between my mother and brother. It was just projection. I forgot that when my emotion is higher than norm, then it is projection of inner.
To my surprise, Z called back when I didn't expect it. .
Father, it was also the sense of unfairness I had on Isha volunteering. Why other people can back out? Why can't I? I guess this could also be why can't my mom let neighbour take my elder sis, why take me? Just because I have the attributes, why it have to be me that is being sacrificed? Why do I still have to volunteer after so many rounds of being 'put off?
Thanks to teacher and N, I will explore this. This being put upon and unfairness issue is still new to me. I want to get to the root as this is the cause of RA.
I also realised that I am not triggered by N cos I think he is foolish unlikeable person. He doesn't affect me per se unless I felt that he was encroaching and giving me orders. Then I will tell him off. Teacher is the one who can trigger me whenever she scolds me for taking a jibe or telling N off.
Father, I know its a feeling of being put on, feeling of unfairness.
How can I turn this around? Guide me.
A tot came. I am an adult now. I have the capability to turn the situation around. I stood my ground when my mother said I was not nice to my brother for having said that I won't let him have the master bedroom since I owned the house.
I didn't realise it but I was forced to buy the house. I was financially able to do so. I bought the family house and now have to take care of my parents and brother's family too. But that one I was fine cos my brother take cares of my parents. Guess this is why all of us have a feeling of unfairness towards my elder brother. He doesn't have to take care of parents, hardly gave them money and yet he got the best treatment. Again, mom said she is keeping the harmony in the house.
Mmm, a tot came. Is this love? If I want to compare, I does the same to Z too. With Z, he failed me time and time again but I still give him chance. Part of me holding on cos I knew he is my Cosmic Lesson and Reward card. And it was confirmed when I knew his lesson for me is soul mate relationship. With him my lesson was in letting go of control and trusting faith.
I can defend myself and said no to being good. If she harp on me being joy. Then I will tell her that if even such a joyful person like me can be triggered, then he must be really annoying. But I was not triggered by him cos he is quite harmless. Infact, I was triggered by the fact teacher allows him to continue and even more so for him to lead. She is backing the wrong horse. She disappointed me further by defending him whenever and wherever possible, condoning his action.
Soul without shame
When the spaciousness is missing, u have a very different sense about living ur life. U feel under pressured, hemmed in by the choices u make, tense in ur body, or held back in ur self-expression. The externals of ur life put stress on u, u feel trapped by ur schedules, ur commitment, the demands of others and ur own limited energy. Ur judge is active. It is at these times that u find urself consciously saying, "I need space!" or perhaps, "I need time to slow down, to relax, to take a vacation and get away from it all."
Soul
That's how I feel now. Previously only current company and Isha. When I have the new company, which I am excited about, I wanted to release Isha. But I was caught by M's transfer back to India.
I lost my 4 days week, my time with Z, my time in writing my stories and updating blog.
I was so happy with a 4.5 days week. I just need to breathe. To get away from all.
Why am I angry? My unfairness issue is triggered
Mar 4 Aft
I know why I was so reactive. I spend nearly 3 hours doing Isha things instead of appreciation, I got backlash.
I admit I was cheeky but the backlash from teacher was too much.
Called Z but he was sleeping. Father, what's the point of having an unreachable boyfriend.
Cried again and now I felt better. Just need to release the sadness. I have cried twice today and it is fine.
Of course, behind the scene, I blamed myself for putting in the jibe and cause unnecessary suffering to myself and jeopardise the approval process. I should be smart enough to know N is her beau and she is very protective of her. Anything on him, she is sensitive. Anyway, never mind lah. What's done is done. But it is proven that not only we need to take care of her feelings, we also cannot take a jibe at N in anyway at all.
Mmm, again the rationale me. The need to behave in a particular way to achieve the objective that I wanted.
Mmm, suddenly I realised that it was the child in me experiencing the feeling of unfairness. Its like the episode with my brother. I felt I was unfairly treated. I may have done 'wrong' by not resisting but he is doing totally wrong. And yet, I seem to feel the brunt of it whereas he didn't.
Suddenly tot of RA. Feeling put on. My volunteering is a responsibility and not a willingness. While I don't expect appreciation, I react when I got hit instead.
Rheumatoid Arthritis
Deep criticism of authority. Feeling very put upon.
Affirmation.
I am my own authority.
I love and approve of myself.
Life is good.
Soul
Recently my RA symptom is back and I know its because I am feeling very put upon by the fact that I still need to do Isha eventhough I wanted to pull out. But at least now I contribute only when I want to.
Soul without shame
U r not a small child doing what it has to in order to survive a difficult childhood; u r a soul condemning urself to live out an endless pattern of deadening self-images. Only in that recognition is there the possibility of rediscovering the soul's true defense. Are u willing to stand up and be heard? Are u willing to stop the soul betrayal? Its time to say to ur judge; "Get the hell out and let me have my life!"
Soul
When I told off teacher, it was a reaction. But later my mind spinning non-stop on defense projection/guilt, that's my inner judge.
The one who pounce of me if I don't react "smartly and without emotion". I noticed that I attack myself whenever I feel either anger or sadness. On sadness, I am better equipped now and learned to expressed and release it cos after sadness is laughter. But on anger, it is still difficult. After expression of anger, there is loads of attack on me. I felt bad for expressing anger or annoyance.
Even that day, the case with Zee. After I raised my voice in anger, I felt bad. I rein it back and got myself in control.
I hate it when I got angry. I hate it when I am not in control. That's why I valued emotional control. And for anyone to breach my tolerance, it will be very great.
Even with strangers, I don't really get angry, I just walked out. With friends, also seldom. With staff, I have learned to express my anger a couple of years ago. And now with peers, I am learning.
Such irony. I tot I am able to be assertive, be able to say No. But looks like it is only for work.
Behaviours that bugged my parents:
1. Being angry
2. Being sad
3. Being emotional
4. Being not helpful, not nice
5. Being fair - we must always be helping rather than needing help.
6. Being fair - blood is thicker than water. Having to give way to my elder brother and sister in law everytime. Eventhough they r the one hurting us, still we cannot retaliate. When we retaliate, we r accused of breaking the harmony of the family eventhough they started it. I guess this is similar to my experience as a child with my brother. I retaliate against my brother but somehow I felt I was blamed instead for causing the disharmony, for having my brother move away.
Ah hah, that's exactly how I felt with teacher and N. N was being obnoxious and yet his behaviour is excused and when I retaliate, I was ticked off.
Father, thank You. At last the Queen of Spade - self mastery for today show up.
The feeling of unfairness has been inside me for so long and now teacher and N is there to let me release it. Now was she unfair? Yes. Is it because I am not lovable? No. She defends him because he is her beau. She defends him because she too was the target of such attack and whenever N is being perceived as attacked, she jumped into his defense. She was defending herself. Also, she has backed him for so long and to back out now would make her wrong.
So, it has nothing to do with me.
Father, I now feel at ease. A feeling of Ah Hah sounded in me. The mindless chattering from my inner judge has gone. Thanks to teacher and N and to me. But perhaps thanks to Sadhguru cos I was asking for his help when the chattering was over-flowing.
I know why I was so reactive. I spend nearly 3 hours doing Isha things instead of appreciation, I got backlash.
I admit I was cheeky but the backlash from teacher was too much.
Called Z but he was sleeping. Father, what's the point of having an unreachable boyfriend.
Cried again and now I felt better. Just need to release the sadness. I have cried twice today and it is fine.
Of course, behind the scene, I blamed myself for putting in the jibe and cause unnecessary suffering to myself and jeopardise the approval process. I should be smart enough to know N is her beau and she is very protective of her. Anything on him, she is sensitive. Anyway, never mind lah. What's done is done. But it is proven that not only we need to take care of her feelings, we also cannot take a jibe at N in anyway at all.
Mmm, again the rationale me. The need to behave in a particular way to achieve the objective that I wanted.
Mmm, suddenly I realised that it was the child in me experiencing the feeling of unfairness. Its like the episode with my brother. I felt I was unfairly treated. I may have done 'wrong' by not resisting but he is doing totally wrong. And yet, I seem to feel the brunt of it whereas he didn't.
Suddenly tot of RA. Feeling put on. My volunteering is a responsibility and not a willingness. While I don't expect appreciation, I react when I got hit instead.
Rheumatoid Arthritis
Deep criticism of authority. Feeling very put upon.
Affirmation.
I am my own authority.
I love and approve of myself.
Life is good.
Soul
Recently my RA symptom is back and I know its because I am feeling very put upon by the fact that I still need to do Isha eventhough I wanted to pull out. But at least now I contribute only when I want to.
Soul without shame
U r not a small child doing what it has to in order to survive a difficult childhood; u r a soul condemning urself to live out an endless pattern of deadening self-images. Only in that recognition is there the possibility of rediscovering the soul's true defense. Are u willing to stand up and be heard? Are u willing to stop the soul betrayal? Its time to say to ur judge; "Get the hell out and let me have my life!"
Soul
When I told off teacher, it was a reaction. But later my mind spinning non-stop on defense projection/guilt, that's my inner judge.
The one who pounce of me if I don't react "smartly and without emotion". I noticed that I attack myself whenever I feel either anger or sadness. On sadness, I am better equipped now and learned to expressed and release it cos after sadness is laughter. But on anger, it is still difficult. After expression of anger, there is loads of attack on me. I felt bad for expressing anger or annoyance.
Even that day, the case with Zee. After I raised my voice in anger, I felt bad. I rein it back and got myself in control.
I hate it when I got angry. I hate it when I am not in control. That's why I valued emotional control. And for anyone to breach my tolerance, it will be very great.
Even with strangers, I don't really get angry, I just walked out. With friends, also seldom. With staff, I have learned to express my anger a couple of years ago. And now with peers, I am learning.
Such irony. I tot I am able to be assertive, be able to say No. But looks like it is only for work.
Behaviours that bugged my parents:
1. Being angry
2. Being sad
3. Being emotional
4. Being not helpful, not nice
5. Being fair - we must always be helping rather than needing help.
6. Being fair - blood is thicker than water. Having to give way to my elder brother and sister in law everytime. Eventhough they r the one hurting us, still we cannot retaliate. When we retaliate, we r accused of breaking the harmony of the family eventhough they started it. I guess this is similar to my experience as a child with my brother. I retaliate against my brother but somehow I felt I was blamed instead for causing the disharmony, for having my brother move away.
Ah hah, that's exactly how I felt with teacher and N. N was being obnoxious and yet his behaviour is excused and when I retaliate, I was ticked off.
Father, thank You. At last the Queen of Spade - self mastery for today show up.
The feeling of unfairness has been inside me for so long and now teacher and N is there to let me release it. Now was she unfair? Yes. Is it because I am not lovable? No. She defends him because he is her beau. She defends him because she too was the target of such attack and whenever N is being perceived as attacked, she jumped into his defense. She was defending herself. Also, she has backed him for so long and to back out now would make her wrong.
So, it has nothing to do with me.
Father, I now feel at ease. A feeling of Ah Hah sounded in me. The mindless chattering from my inner judge has gone. Thanks to teacher and N and to me. But perhaps thanks to Sadhguru cos I was asking for his help when the chattering was over-flowing.
Feeling angry
Mar 4
Father, I am not in a good mood today.
I took a jibe at N and immediately teacher bounced back. This time I didn't give ground. Nothing to lose. I have told her about N and she is still protecting him. She has taken out Ma and Me and now on my case.
For Ma and Me, they r attached to Isha. Whereas I am not, nothing to lose here. Mmm, payback time.
Father, I am angry and heart is beating. I want to be true to my feelings now. My heart is beating fast. I guess I got angry because I took the time to prepare the report. I did it out of responsibility. I didn't want to leave people in a lurch. And here I got pounced for the small jibe. Whereas his emails was so off-putting and bragging.
Truth is Now.
I used to push it away, rationalising.
Behind my anger is feeling hurt. I am hurt that instead of appreciating, she hit out at me. It is not worth it. I am doing this out of responsibility. I just wish to be left alone to do my practice. I am not even keen on ashram nor Isha.
Father, I am not in a good mood today.
I took a jibe at N and immediately teacher bounced back. This time I didn't give ground. Nothing to lose. I have told her about N and she is still protecting him. She has taken out Ma and Me and now on my case.
For Ma and Me, they r attached to Isha. Whereas I am not, nothing to lose here. Mmm, payback time.
Father, I am angry and heart is beating. I want to be true to my feelings now. My heart is beating fast. I guess I got angry because I took the time to prepare the report. I did it out of responsibility. I didn't want to leave people in a lurch. And here I got pounced for the small jibe. Whereas his emails was so off-putting and bragging.
Truth is Now.
I used to push it away, rationalising.
Behind my anger is feeling hurt. I am hurt that instead of appreciating, she hit out at me. It is not worth it. I am doing this out of responsibility. I just wish to be left alone to do my practice. I am not even keen on ashram nor Isha.
Settling down with myself - ecstasy in pool
Mar 3
Father, its great. For the whole day, no anxious feeling on Z. This morning, I had a lovely swim. The last 2 laps was amazing. My head now turn in tandem with body and less strain. I can swim smoother. I was laughing loads in the pool. I recalled that Z was perfect lesson for me. I am not going to justify why he doesn't return call or etc. That's his karma to work out as it cause him to lose the love that he wants.
As for me, I am not as bothered. I love him and I am staying. Choosing me would entail changing his plan.
On his unreachability and unavailability, it triggers my past issue of unlovability over and over again that I no longer believe it. Someone's unreachability has nothing to do with me. He is unreachable cos he doesn't want to be reach, he doesn't want to be loved and then have that love taken away.
The weekly Osho card is so real. Everytime with Z, I have to the Fool. I have to ignore my judgements. I am determined to recognised I am lovable. And only I can give love to myself unconditionally.
Seven of Spades
The powerful Seven of Spades will challenge u to rise to higher levels of thinking, speaking and acting. It challenges will manifest in areas where u r likely to be holding some negative patterns that need to be changed.
If u r willing to take responsibility for ur condition and practice positivity in spite of circumstances, u can realise the powerful spiritual potential of this card and attain new height. This is the card of Faith.
Affirmation
I am tapping into the source of God energy and transforming all the negativity in my life into fearlessness and appreciation. I am living faith.
Soul
Suddelny tot Seven of Spades is similar to Osho - The Fool card. The Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
(Apr 1 - suddenly tot that since I can transform the negativity with Z into positivity, I have faith that my job will be transformed too.)
Father, its great. For the whole day, no anxious feeling on Z. This morning, I had a lovely swim. The last 2 laps was amazing. My head now turn in tandem with body and less strain. I can swim smoother. I was laughing loads in the pool. I recalled that Z was perfect lesson for me. I am not going to justify why he doesn't return call or etc. That's his karma to work out as it cause him to lose the love that he wants.
As for me, I am not as bothered. I love him and I am staying. Choosing me would entail changing his plan.
On his unreachability and unavailability, it triggers my past issue of unlovability over and over again that I no longer believe it. Someone's unreachability has nothing to do with me. He is unreachable cos he doesn't want to be reach, he doesn't want to be loved and then have that love taken away.
The weekly Osho card is so real. Everytime with Z, I have to the Fool. I have to ignore my judgements. I am determined to recognised I am lovable. And only I can give love to myself unconditionally.
Seven of Spades
The powerful Seven of Spades will challenge u to rise to higher levels of thinking, speaking and acting. It challenges will manifest in areas where u r likely to be holding some negative patterns that need to be changed.
If u r willing to take responsibility for ur condition and practice positivity in spite of circumstances, u can realise the powerful spiritual potential of this card and attain new height. This is the card of Faith.
Affirmation
I am tapping into the source of God energy and transforming all the negativity in my life into fearlessness and appreciation. I am living faith.
Soul
Suddelny tot Seven of Spades is similar to Osho - The Fool card. The Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
(Apr 1 - suddenly tot that since I can transform the negativity with Z into positivity, I have faith that my job will be transformed too.)
Settling down with myself
Mar 2
Father, I am happy with my 1st half day off. I am happily going into office 2nd half day. And when I go off early for Isha volunteer meeting, I felt fine too. On Isha volunteering, now that I can say no and only do when I want to, I felt better.
Just now I asked for more contribution from the group volunteers.
Just now try to call Z but no response. For the first time, I am totally not bothered cos I know he left his phone upstairs. The wound is finally gone.
Father, I am happy with my 1st half day off. I am happily going into office 2nd half day. And when I go off early for Isha volunteer meeting, I felt fine too. On Isha volunteering, now that I can say no and only do when I want to, I felt better.
Just now I asked for more contribution from the group volunteers.
Just now try to call Z but no response. For the first time, I am totally not bothered cos I know he left his phone upstairs. The wound is finally gone.
Loving ourselves, is accepting our holes too
Mar 1
Father, today asanas was fine. There were little tots on shakti and shambavi and I found myself going in deeper. Today is busy day but somehow I knew I be fine.
I am glad I can take half day off tomorrow. I am also glad that I forget about my ego and call Z, so I didn't let my old wound affect me now.
4. What is needed for resolution
Healing
Be aware of ur wound. Don't help it grow, let it be healed; and it will be healed only when u move to the roots. The less the head, the more the wound will heal, with no head, there is no wound.
Soul
Instead of lamenting why Z is unreachable and doesn't return call, I work on myself. He is my Lesson and with my wound, a perfect partner.
Yesterday news about the Cable TV content director "falling in love" with Sadhguru and now planning our shows is great.
Tot of M leaving on 1 April. Things are meant to be. He led us this far and now it is time for us to grow.
5. Resolution
No-Thingness
Nothingness to nothingness is the whole journey. So, why in the middle, become so worried, so anxious, so ambitious - why create despair.
Relax into this no-thingness ... fall into this silence between the words ... watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breathe.
And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.
Mar 1 Eve
I am happy I took half day off. From now onward. First half Friday I am off.
Diamond Heart
In this Work, we know that u can experience ur love and will only experience it by allowing urself to experience the holes deficiencies associated with them. This is difficult and frightening. But once u can finally do that, then the real resolution can happen, the resolution not of simply resolving the emotional conflict but of retrieving the lost quality. It is the presence of the quality of love that will eliminate the problem of love for u, and the presence of will that will eliminate the sense of powerlessness. Nothing else will do.
Soul
Remind me of my insight;
Anger
Hurt
Guilt
Fear
Love.
Father, today asanas was fine. There were little tots on shakti and shambavi and I found myself going in deeper. Today is busy day but somehow I knew I be fine.
I am glad I can take half day off tomorrow. I am also glad that I forget about my ego and call Z, so I didn't let my old wound affect me now.
4. What is needed for resolution
Healing
Be aware of ur wound. Don't help it grow, let it be healed; and it will be healed only when u move to the roots. The less the head, the more the wound will heal, with no head, there is no wound.
Soul
Instead of lamenting why Z is unreachable and doesn't return call, I work on myself. He is my Lesson and with my wound, a perfect partner.
Yesterday news about the Cable TV content director "falling in love" with Sadhguru and now planning our shows is great.
Tot of M leaving on 1 April. Things are meant to be. He led us this far and now it is time for us to grow.
5. Resolution
No-Thingness
Nothingness to nothingness is the whole journey. So, why in the middle, become so worried, so anxious, so ambitious - why create despair.
Relax into this no-thingness ... fall into this silence between the words ... watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breathe.
And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.
Mar 1 Eve
I am happy I took half day off. From now onward. First half Friday I am off.
Diamond Heart
In this Work, we know that u can experience ur love and will only experience it by allowing urself to experience the holes deficiencies associated with them. This is difficult and frightening. But once u can finally do that, then the real resolution can happen, the resolution not of simply resolving the emotional conflict but of retrieving the lost quality. It is the presence of the quality of love that will eliminate the problem of love for u, and the presence of will that will eliminate the sense of powerlessness. Nothing else will do.
Soul
Remind me of my insight;
Anger
Hurt
Guilt
Fear
Love.
Nothing to lose, means willing to lose all
Feb 29
Father, a leap year, additional one day. I woke up feeling fresh at 3.16 am and I slept back. Then woke up at 4 am to do my practice. Suria was fine, my body likes it. Shakti and shambavi fine too. I was having some flying tots of Z that I don't want. Suddenly a tot came, only mind creates suffering and somehow all tots of Z fades out. I decided I won't be caught up with the mind.
Towards the end of Suria, I suddenly felt a wave of air in my lower stomach rushing out. I tot I wanted to vomit and it turns out that I wanted to laugh. This is new, laughing after suria.
Nothing to lose, also means willing to lose Z. So, I changed my plan to call him today. I have called so many times and messaged him but still no reply. It is enough, he knows where to find me. I feel rested. I am not rejecting him but neither will I pursue him. I want him but I don't need him. I am fine. I am safe and lovable.
Soul without shame
A true defense does not function in support of any self image, whether child of judge. It is independent of the mind.
Feb 29 Aft
For the second time in my life, lunch is after 2.30pm. I had a good concall.
No response from Z. This is the longest ever and even with continuous call from me. Well, today I decided I stop for now.
Evening
I felt fine and I called him. I nagged him for not replying. He said he was at business partner's place and it was too late to call me. He said tonight he will be having business meeting and luckily I called him.
Father, I am so easily satisfied. As long he is contactable, I am fine. I don't need loving gesture, just don't leave me. That's real desperate. Why I didn't think of asking more?
Just back from dinner, lovely time spent with Isha core team. This Friday, even if I take half day, I am fine. I just want to wake up later and have a nice leisure breakfast.
Father, a leap year, additional one day. I woke up feeling fresh at 3.16 am and I slept back. Then woke up at 4 am to do my practice. Suria was fine, my body likes it. Shakti and shambavi fine too. I was having some flying tots of Z that I don't want. Suddenly a tot came, only mind creates suffering and somehow all tots of Z fades out. I decided I won't be caught up with the mind.
Towards the end of Suria, I suddenly felt a wave of air in my lower stomach rushing out. I tot I wanted to vomit and it turns out that I wanted to laugh. This is new, laughing after suria.
Nothing to lose, also means willing to lose Z. So, I changed my plan to call him today. I have called so many times and messaged him but still no reply. It is enough, he knows where to find me. I feel rested. I am not rejecting him but neither will I pursue him. I want him but I don't need him. I am fine. I am safe and lovable.
Soul without shame
A true defense does not function in support of any self image, whether child of judge. It is independent of the mind.
Feb 29 Aft
For the second time in my life, lunch is after 2.30pm. I had a good concall.
No response from Z. This is the longest ever and even with continuous call from me. Well, today I decided I stop for now.
Evening
I felt fine and I called him. I nagged him for not replying. He said he was at business partner's place and it was too late to call me. He said tonight he will be having business meeting and luckily I called him.
Father, I am so easily satisfied. As long he is contactable, I am fine. I don't need loving gesture, just don't leave me. That's real desperate. Why I didn't think of asking more?
Just back from dinner, lovely time spent with Isha core team. This Friday, even if I take half day, I am fine. I just want to wake up later and have a nice leisure breakfast.
Suffering is call to return to ourself, go back HOME
Feb 28 Eve
Father, I am tired. I now have my nice room to come back to. Spacious and nice. I miss Z and I called him but no response. For the first time, instead of naming him, unreachable. I just said he must be very tired cos he didn't want his mobile near him.
When I was on my ride back, I know I no longer believe the "rejection" mode anymore. Instead of taking his "unreachability" personally, I now accept that he is just v tired and want to have down time. Just like E and me too.
Suddenly I realised that perhaps talking to me is also tiring. He needs energy to crack his jokes, to keep me entertained, to avoid topics that I don't like. So, just give him space.
(Apr 1 - suddenly it occur to me on why he tries hard to keep me entertained. He tot he was boring and his ex left him. He doesn't want me to leave him. Thats show I am important to him. It is more than 1 year already and we are still going strong.)
Yea, let me remember his need for down time causes him to be unreachable and not because I am unlovable. I no longer take it personally.
Diamond Heart - book 1
The more we are in touch with ourselves, the more we feel this innate desire to know and be who we really are. We want the freedom to live as we are supposed to live, to fulfill our potential.
When we don't live that way, we suffer. That suffering, rather than being a problem that the Work aims to solve, is simply a hunger for our true selves. It is a signal that we want to return to our true nature.
Soul
Yeap, hence my blog; suffering is blessing
Father, I now acknowledge that I am hard working. When I got things I want or are committed to, I will do it. Perhaps, u could say I am too hardworking. I worked even when my true self no longer wants to. I lost myself.
Father, I am tired. I now have my nice room to come back to. Spacious and nice. I miss Z and I called him but no response. For the first time, instead of naming him, unreachable. I just said he must be very tired cos he didn't want his mobile near him.
When I was on my ride back, I know I no longer believe the "rejection" mode anymore. Instead of taking his "unreachability" personally, I now accept that he is just v tired and want to have down time. Just like E and me too.
Suddenly I realised that perhaps talking to me is also tiring. He needs energy to crack his jokes, to keep me entertained, to avoid topics that I don't like. So, just give him space.
(Apr 1 - suddenly it occur to me on why he tries hard to keep me entertained. He tot he was boring and his ex left him. He doesn't want me to leave him. Thats show I am important to him. It is more than 1 year already and we are still going strong.)
Yea, let me remember his need for down time causes him to be unreachable and not because I am unlovable. I no longer take it personally.
Diamond Heart - book 1
The more we are in touch with ourselves, the more we feel this innate desire to know and be who we really are. We want the freedom to live as we are supposed to live, to fulfill our potential.
When we don't live that way, we suffer. That suffering, rather than being a problem that the Work aims to solve, is simply a hunger for our true selves. It is a signal that we want to return to our true nature.
Soul
Yeap, hence my blog; suffering is blessing
Father, I now acknowledge that I am hard working. When I got things I want or are committed to, I will do it. Perhaps, u could say I am too hardworking. I worked even when my true self no longer wants to. I lost myself.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Forget about the past; be a FOOL
Feb 27 Eve
I had a comfortable time with my boss, E and I know he is comfortable with me too. We click since day one.
He show me his work and I was able to understand. Next month we will do it together and in April, I will be on my own.
Today, I have been watching my breathe and it is great. I found myself having less worry on Z. And of course, once I read my weekly Osho, I calmed down
1. The Issue
Patience
We have forgotten how to wait; it is almost an abandoned space. And it is our greatest treasure to be able to wait for the right moment.
Now it is a time when all that is required is to be simply alert, patient, waiting. Contented, with no trace of anxiety, she is simply waiting. It is a time full of mystery, like the hours just before the dawn. It is a time when the only thing to do is wait
Soul
I done all I could. I was even able to let go rejection and ask for him. I have expressed my feeling again. We have been together for one year and alas last week I went to his house and we had a great time. I came back feeling more bonded to him and wish that we could sleep together always. I love waking up next to him.
We have come to the time, he will either let me go or we deepen. Perhaps the last few days, he was busy thinking about us. There is a goodness in him. He knew continuing will only deepen my bond to him and he doesn't want me to be hurt. Yet he also cannot let me go. Perhaps he is facing his dilemma over me.
(Mar 29 - he kept my joyong website in favourite. He read my stories. That shows he wants to know me. No wonder he told me he already knows me. Like P said, Z has faced major failures in relationship with women who claimed that they really love him. In the end, they left him. Of course, he doesn't realise he caused it by not reciprocating their love in the ways they needed to.)
2. Internal influence
The fool
A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trust u; u deceive him again and he trust u. He does not learn. His trust is tremendous, his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it.
This card indicate that if u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the "rightness" of things, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear 'foolish" to others, even to urself, if u try to analyse with the rational mind. But the 'zero' place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
Yea, I am staying put. I love him.
3. External influence
Schizophrenia
The whole effort of Zen is how to drop schizophrenia, how to drop this split personality, how to drop the divided mind of man, how to become undivided, integrated, centred, crystallised.
U can't work ur way of this one by solving it, making lists of pros and cons, or in any way working it out with ur mind. Better follow ur heart, if u can find it. If u can't, just jump.
4. What is needed for resolution
Healing
U carry ur wound. With the ego, ur whole being
I had a comfortable time with my boss, E and I know he is comfortable with me too. We click since day one.
He show me his work and I was able to understand. Next month we will do it together and in April, I will be on my own.
Today, I have been watching my breathe and it is great. I found myself having less worry on Z. And of course, once I read my weekly Osho, I calmed down
1. The Issue
Patience
We have forgotten how to wait; it is almost an abandoned space. And it is our greatest treasure to be able to wait for the right moment.
Now it is a time when all that is required is to be simply alert, patient, waiting. Contented, with no trace of anxiety, she is simply waiting. It is a time full of mystery, like the hours just before the dawn. It is a time when the only thing to do is wait
Soul
I done all I could. I was even able to let go rejection and ask for him. I have expressed my feeling again. We have been together for one year and alas last week I went to his house and we had a great time. I came back feeling more bonded to him and wish that we could sleep together always. I love waking up next to him.
We have come to the time, he will either let me go or we deepen. Perhaps the last few days, he was busy thinking about us. There is a goodness in him. He knew continuing will only deepen my bond to him and he doesn't want me to be hurt. Yet he also cannot let me go. Perhaps he is facing his dilemma over me.
(Mar 29 - he kept my joyong website in favourite. He read my stories. That shows he wants to know me. No wonder he told me he already knows me. Like P said, Z has faced major failures in relationship with women who claimed that they really love him. In the end, they left him. Of course, he doesn't realise he caused it by not reciprocating their love in the ways they needed to.)
2. Internal influence
The fool
A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trust u; u deceive him again and he trust u. He does not learn. His trust is tremendous, his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it.
This card indicate that if u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the "rightness" of things, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear 'foolish" to others, even to urself, if u try to analyse with the rational mind. But the 'zero' place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
Yea, I am staying put. I love him.
3. External influence
Schizophrenia
The whole effort of Zen is how to drop schizophrenia, how to drop this split personality, how to drop the divided mind of man, how to become undivided, integrated, centred, crystallised.
U can't work ur way of this one by solving it, making lists of pros and cons, or in any way working it out with ur mind. Better follow ur heart, if u can find it. If u can't, just jump.
4. What is needed for resolution
Healing
U carry ur wound. With the ego, ur whole being
Focus on breathing
Feb 27
Father, I put alarm at 5.25 am. I didn't put at 4 am. I let my body wakes up, if it want to do practices. I am going to let my body talk and my feelings expressed.
Just now on the way to airport, my mind was working overtime on Z. I just focused on my breathe and the mind-chattering slowed down and become dim and I feel rested.
I just had a good coffee and chicken muffin. Real good and I feel satisfied.
I am glad my burden on Isha is released. I am now in because of friendship.
Father, I put alarm at 5.25 am. I didn't put at 4 am. I let my body wakes up, if it want to do practices. I am going to let my body talk and my feelings expressed.
Just now on the way to airport, my mind was working overtime on Z. I just focused on my breathe and the mind-chattering slowed down and become dim and I feel rested.
I just had a good coffee and chicken muffin. Real good and I feel satisfied.
I am glad my burden on Isha is released. I am now in because of friendship.
Romantic love is not unconditional
Feb 26 Eve
Father, I finally did it. I didn't go to the event and instead went to a cafe. I felt good.
But I am now sad about Z. He didn't return my call and even when I ask him to return call, he also didn't. It is a slap on my face, a rejection. As I was writing this, a tot came in, he did it before and u r still together. He doesn't mean the way I see it.
The old me would have sweat about it and having rejection tots. But the new me feel like scolding him. And also since I am going to overseas trip, I won't be speaking to him for next 2 days. Let's face it, he doesn't love me as much as I do. He doesn't need me as much as I do. He doesn't see non-response as an indication of rejection. He just see that he was either busy or he wanted a rest.
Anyway, I tried to call again but he is still unreachable. He is unreachable to all except his mother. Even his sister complained. Anyway, I have done my part. I didn't go on rejection mode and I called him. I rest my case. Besides, now that I see his house, there is no way he could have hear my calls.
I have just spoken to the friends from Isha. And looks like it went well, there were 42 persons who came. That's great! I am glad both C and M understand my situation. They too just want me to be happy.
Anyway, with that my feeling for Z settled down somewhat and I msg him that I have called him but he is unreachable. And I am going to overseas.
South Node in Leo
If Leo people doesn't remain conscious of the importance of this emotional connection, they may stop following through on their impulses to be generous with their partner. Then the partner may start doubting themselves:"What's wrong with me?"
They look around and see that other mates are being doted upon by their partners and wonder why they aren't getting the same attention. They then no longer feel that they are special to the Leo person and so they begin withdrawing to protect their own sense of self-worth. They also stop going out of the way to make the Leo person feel special. This starts a downward spiral and no one wins.
The unmet need to feel special and important to a significant other continues to grow and if this dynamic doesn't change, it leaves both people open to seeking alternative fulfillment. Then down the road, if someone comes along who says to either one of them; "You are really special!". Its all too easy to go into a new direction.
Soul
Perfect lesson for me. Luckily I overcome it and now having knowledge of Nodes, I know nothing wrong with me. It is just him.
Exactly, love is not unconditional.
Father, I finally did it. I didn't go to the event and instead went to a cafe. I felt good.
But I am now sad about Z. He didn't return my call and even when I ask him to return call, he also didn't. It is a slap on my face, a rejection. As I was writing this, a tot came in, he did it before and u r still together. He doesn't mean the way I see it.
The old me would have sweat about it and having rejection tots. But the new me feel like scolding him. And also since I am going to overseas trip, I won't be speaking to him for next 2 days. Let's face it, he doesn't love me as much as I do. He doesn't need me as much as I do. He doesn't see non-response as an indication of rejection. He just see that he was either busy or he wanted a rest.
Anyway, I tried to call again but he is still unreachable. He is unreachable to all except his mother. Even his sister complained. Anyway, I have done my part. I didn't go on rejection mode and I called him. I rest my case. Besides, now that I see his house, there is no way he could have hear my calls.
I have just spoken to the friends from Isha. And looks like it went well, there were 42 persons who came. That's great! I am glad both C and M understand my situation. They too just want me to be happy.
Anyway, with that my feeling for Z settled down somewhat and I msg him that I have called him but he is unreachable. And I am going to overseas.
South Node in Leo
If Leo people doesn't remain conscious of the importance of this emotional connection, they may stop following through on their impulses to be generous with their partner. Then the partner may start doubting themselves:"What's wrong with me?"
They look around and see that other mates are being doted upon by their partners and wonder why they aren't getting the same attention. They then no longer feel that they are special to the Leo person and so they begin withdrawing to protect their own sense of self-worth. They also stop going out of the way to make the Leo person feel special. This starts a downward spiral and no one wins.
The unmet need to feel special and important to a significant other continues to grow and if this dynamic doesn't change, it leaves both people open to seeking alternative fulfillment. Then down the road, if someone comes along who says to either one of them; "You are really special!". Its all too easy to go into a new direction.
Soul
Perfect lesson for me. Luckily I overcome it and now having knowledge of Nodes, I know nothing wrong with me. It is just him.
Exactly, love is not unconditional.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Settling down with myself - dont want to be lead in Isha
Feb 26
Father, I am really not keen to volunteer in Isha. I am doing it out of responsibility. There is no passion for me.
I am only continuing cos I don't want to let people down and now with my new job, I really got no time. I really don't want to volunteer. Anyway, I asked and they have enough volunteers, so I don't have to go. I cried cos I really don't want to go. My only concern was in letting down my friends. Anyway, they can handle it. It is my arrogance to think otherwise.
I just want to do my new job and also have time for my writing.
Eight of Spades
This is the most powerful card of physical and willpower. When this card is present, u will find urself experiencing more power over ur health and work matters.
Success is indicated by this card, along with the ability to overcome any obstacles that may appear in a way.
Power comes from a focusing of our will, a narrowing down of the areas of our interest. Because of this, we often lose focus in less important areas while we gather force in one.
Soul
Yea, alas I finally said no to Isha. At first, I tot a group of 26 and I know I don't have to go. Later I found out is 54, I felt pressured to go. This is a big event and I felt responsible. Anyway, I know I really don't want to go. If I went it is because of responsibility.
Ruling card for the year
Pluto challenge
This could also be a year when u complete involvement with a certain type of work and u tend to resist letting go. If we realise that the time has come to move on and simply accept the timing of things, we can flow with this on to something much better. Something new and better ways always follow a nine year
Affirmation
I am releasing myself from things, occupation and people that were once good for me but have now outlived their purpose in my life. I set myself free to move on to higher and better things in my life.
Soul
Yea, lot of releasing.
Father, I am really not keen to volunteer in Isha. I am doing it out of responsibility. There is no passion for me.
I am only continuing cos I don't want to let people down and now with my new job, I really got no time. I really don't want to volunteer. Anyway, I asked and they have enough volunteers, so I don't have to go. I cried cos I really don't want to go. My only concern was in letting down my friends. Anyway, they can handle it. It is my arrogance to think otherwise.
I just want to do my new job and also have time for my writing.
Eight of Spades
This is the most powerful card of physical and willpower. When this card is present, u will find urself experiencing more power over ur health and work matters.
Success is indicated by this card, along with the ability to overcome any obstacles that may appear in a way.
Power comes from a focusing of our will, a narrowing down of the areas of our interest. Because of this, we often lose focus in less important areas while we gather force in one.
Soul
Yea, alas I finally said no to Isha. At first, I tot a group of 26 and I know I don't have to go. Later I found out is 54, I felt pressured to go. This is a big event and I felt responsible. Anyway, I know I really don't want to go. If I went it is because of responsibility.
Ruling card for the year
Pluto challenge
This could also be a year when u complete involvement with a certain type of work and u tend to resist letting go. If we realise that the time has come to move on and simply accept the timing of things, we can flow with this on to something much better. Something new and better ways always follow a nine year
Affirmation
I am releasing myself from things, occupation and people that were once good for me but have now outlived their purpose in my life. I set myself free to move on to higher and better things in my life.
Soul
Yea, lot of releasing.
I can choose to ignore the chattering of my mind
Feb 25
I had a good dinner with the new team. Father, thanks for helping me make this change. SS was wrong on the new company, it is growing real fast. Like Mk said, it is the second largest biz after NY.
My role cover 14 countries and I do like the people.
I called Z twice and he didn't even return call. The old me would have reacted but the new me is calm. I no longer take his non-response as 'rejection' as I have been proven wrong so many times. He has also said that he doesn't want to end just last Wed and we have a great time at his place, the first time and I think it will be the first of many times. He has let me into his house.
He does have an issue in receiving love. He doesn't reciprocate love and he is surprised when it dries up. He only act when I said I am leaving. In a way, we r similar, when we love someone, it is forever and so we assume our partner's love is forever, unconditional. In reality, all love is conditional. At the moment, my love for him is conditional too. So, I am not sure if it will last with his continuance lack of response. And I am no longer afraid of losing him ... Cos it be a case of him losing me instead.
Diamond Heart
Any deep loss is an opportunity to grow, to understand more about urself, to experience holes that u believe can only be filled by someone else.
Unfortunately, people usually defend like crazy against deeply feeling these losses. This is primarily to avoid feeling the hole. They don't know that the hole, the sense of deficiency, is a symptom of a loss of something deeper - the loss of Essence.
When we stop defending against feeling a hole, the actual experience is not painful.
Soul
That's true.
Diamond Heart
Allowing ourselves to tolerate the holes and go through them to the other side is more difficult now because everything in society is against this. Society is against Essence. Everybody around u, wherever u go, is trying to fill holes and people feel threatened if u don't try to fill ur holes in the same way they do. When a person is not trying to fill his holes, it tends to make other people feel their own holes more.
Soul
Yea.
I had a good dinner with the new team. Father, thanks for helping me make this change. SS was wrong on the new company, it is growing real fast. Like Mk said, it is the second largest biz after NY.
My role cover 14 countries and I do like the people.
I called Z twice and he didn't even return call. The old me would have reacted but the new me is calm. I no longer take his non-response as 'rejection' as I have been proven wrong so many times. He has also said that he doesn't want to end just last Wed and we have a great time at his place, the first time and I think it will be the first of many times. He has let me into his house.
He does have an issue in receiving love. He doesn't reciprocate love and he is surprised when it dries up. He only act when I said I am leaving. In a way, we r similar, when we love someone, it is forever and so we assume our partner's love is forever, unconditional. In reality, all love is conditional. At the moment, my love for him is conditional too. So, I am not sure if it will last with his continuance lack of response. And I am no longer afraid of losing him ... Cos it be a case of him losing me instead.
Diamond Heart
Any deep loss is an opportunity to grow, to understand more about urself, to experience holes that u believe can only be filled by someone else.
Unfortunately, people usually defend like crazy against deeply feeling these losses. This is primarily to avoid feeling the hole. They don't know that the hole, the sense of deficiency, is a symptom of a loss of something deeper - the loss of Essence.
When we stop defending against feeling a hole, the actual experience is not painful.
Soul
That's true.
Diamond Heart
Allowing ourselves to tolerate the holes and go through them to the other side is more difficult now because everything in society is against this. Society is against Essence. Everybody around u, wherever u go, is trying to fill holes and people feel threatened if u don't try to fill ur holes in the same way they do. When a person is not trying to fill his holes, it tends to make other people feel their own holes more.
Soul
Yea.
Settling down with myself )6) - expressing anger
Feb 24
Father, I slept at 10 pm and woke up 4 am, 6 hours of sleep. I felt refreshed. I did my suria. Shakti and shambavi was fine. I doze off in the end.
Again, uncertainty with Z. Even with my heartful declaration, he just make a joke and laugh it off. The thing is he tries to talk about it but I wanted to switch it off.
Anyway, he didn't reply to my messages, and that mean he is very busy.
Soul without shame
U feel the pain, and u r larger than it. U experience a sense of allowing and support for the truth, without needing to do or be anything.
In the openness of a truthful heart, there are no boundaries, no walls against the flow of life, inside or out. U can know the experience of other people, of flowers, trees and squirrels, of the wind and rocks, because ur heart is completely awake, open and undefended.
Feb 24 Eve
Father, my slight outburst of raising my voice at the other gal has promoted my profile further. Both E and C came to me and told me about it.
The gal was pushing on strongly despite my numerous reminders. She seem oblivious. Anyway, I don't hold it cos that's just who she is. I am glad I was able to tell her that she was not direct but coming in too strongly.
I have not been able to do shoonya for the past 2 days due to meeting. And now I have to leave for next country on Mon and Tue.
Diamond Heart 1
We learn to develop the capacity to be aware of what is happening but not to identify with it; we develop what we call awareness and disidentification
U have to be aware of what's happening inside of u and outside of u.
Developing this capacity to pay attention and to disidentify at the same time ultimately leads us to experience our essence.
"In the world but not of it" not only describes the person who is free; it describes Essence itself.
U can dig in the body, in the emotions and in the mental events to find the precious substance. For eg, u can do bodywork to develop the sensitivity of ur body. U might explore ur emotions and sensation until u become so aware of them that u see subtle discriminations.
U see that u were sure an emotion is not an emotion; or physical is not physical.
Father, I slept at 10 pm and woke up 4 am, 6 hours of sleep. I felt refreshed. I did my suria. Shakti and shambavi was fine. I doze off in the end.
Again, uncertainty with Z. Even with my heartful declaration, he just make a joke and laugh it off. The thing is he tries to talk about it but I wanted to switch it off.
Anyway, he didn't reply to my messages, and that mean he is very busy.
Soul without shame
U feel the pain, and u r larger than it. U experience a sense of allowing and support for the truth, without needing to do or be anything.
In the openness of a truthful heart, there are no boundaries, no walls against the flow of life, inside or out. U can know the experience of other people, of flowers, trees and squirrels, of the wind and rocks, because ur heart is completely awake, open and undefended.
Feb 24 Eve
Father, my slight outburst of raising my voice at the other gal has promoted my profile further. Both E and C came to me and told me about it.
The gal was pushing on strongly despite my numerous reminders. She seem oblivious. Anyway, I don't hold it cos that's just who she is. I am glad I was able to tell her that she was not direct but coming in too strongly.
I have not been able to do shoonya for the past 2 days due to meeting. And now I have to leave for next country on Mon and Tue.
Diamond Heart 1
We learn to develop the capacity to be aware of what is happening but not to identify with it; we develop what we call awareness and disidentification
U have to be aware of what's happening inside of u and outside of u.
Developing this capacity to pay attention and to disidentify at the same time ultimately leads us to experience our essence.
"In the world but not of it" not only describes the person who is free; it describes Essence itself.
U can dig in the body, in the emotions and in the mental events to find the precious substance. For eg, u can do bodywork to develop the sensitivity of ur body. U might explore ur emotions and sensation until u become so aware of them that u see subtle discriminations.
U see that u were sure an emotion is not an emotion; or physical is not physical.
Settling down with with myself (5) - loving Z
Feb 23
This morning I woke up feeling tired, the same as everyday at 4 am. But today I was reluctant to wake up. Gave myself till 5 am and I exclude hata.
Of course, I still think hata is good and I will do it as it refreshes my body.
Yesterday unexpected visit to Z's house. Finally after 1 year plus. He has been asking me to go a few times but I resisted. This time I was ready and we had a great time and I wish I could stay for the night. But I know he can't cos his mom will be back. When he came inside me, I was feeling so high, tears flow and I can sense the love in me welling up causing tears to fall. And the pleasure is different cos its the feeling that gives it the high. Alas I understand what it meant by having both physical and being connection.
I don't know where we r heading but we both want to be together. And I know that alas I am able to express my feelings and I am no longer afraid of losing him. "Nothing to lose" equates to dis-entanglement. Then I can be who I am. Father, I look great. There is a serenity and youthfulness in my looks. Like they said, I don't look my age of 44.
Feb 23 eve
A good day. I am glad I attended the mgm meeting at new company. It gave me the confidence that it is big and expanding and I have a role to play.
I am also glad I met my boss's boss as I like him and I know he like me too. I think he is comfortable and know I can stand up to E.
Soul without shame
Ego's job is to maintain the status quo, to protect u by maintaining a restricted sense of self. If u expand or feel too good, the judge will give u a dose of reality; if u shrink too much or collapse, it will remind u that things aren't so bad and that u will survive. Its job is not to validate u, acknowledge ur courage, or appreciate ur pain.
Soul
Exactly my insight of loud husband.
Soul without shame
When u feel the presence of compassion for ur own hurt, u know it will be all right and u don't have to do anything, change anything or fix anything. Yes, the hurt is there and u can be with it because there is compassion in ur heart. Compassion arises from a heartfelt understanding of ur own truth and it supports ur willingness to be with that truth.
So hurt naturally brings compassion if the heart is not blocked, and
This morning I woke up feeling tired, the same as everyday at 4 am. But today I was reluctant to wake up. Gave myself till 5 am and I exclude hata.
Of course, I still think hata is good and I will do it as it refreshes my body.
Yesterday unexpected visit to Z's house. Finally after 1 year plus. He has been asking me to go a few times but I resisted. This time I was ready and we had a great time and I wish I could stay for the night. But I know he can't cos his mom will be back. When he came inside me, I was feeling so high, tears flow and I can sense the love in me welling up causing tears to fall. And the pleasure is different cos its the feeling that gives it the high. Alas I understand what it meant by having both physical and being connection.
I don't know where we r heading but we both want to be together. And I know that alas I am able to express my feelings and I am no longer afraid of losing him. "Nothing to lose" equates to dis-entanglement. Then I can be who I am. Father, I look great. There is a serenity and youthfulness in my looks. Like they said, I don't look my age of 44.
Feb 23 eve
A good day. I am glad I attended the mgm meeting at new company. It gave me the confidence that it is big and expanding and I have a role to play.
I am also glad I met my boss's boss as I like him and I know he like me too. I think he is comfortable and know I can stand up to E.
Soul without shame
Ego's job is to maintain the status quo, to protect u by maintaining a restricted sense of self. If u expand or feel too good, the judge will give u a dose of reality; if u shrink too much or collapse, it will remind u that things aren't so bad and that u will survive. Its job is not to validate u, acknowledge ur courage, or appreciate ur pain.
Soul
Exactly my insight of loud husband.
Soul without shame
When u feel the presence of compassion for ur own hurt, u know it will be all right and u don't have to do anything, change anything or fix anything. Yes, the hurt is there and u can be with it because there is compassion in ur heart. Compassion arises from a heartfelt understanding of ur own truth and it supports ur willingness to be with that truth.
So hurt naturally brings compassion if the heart is not blocked, and
Settling down with myself (4) - my negative emotion
Feb 22 Aft
We connected and Z said he was only joking when he said all those things to me.
Alas, I overcome another hurdle, the fear of telling him how I feel, the fear of losing him. I realised everytime we overcome hurdle, we felt closer.
Today got the Filipino Reporting Analyst. He fits the role well, can speak well and I think hardworking. His Destiny is Jack of Heart, so that's fine with me.
Soul without shame
Awareness is very powerful, and this process of exploration must be undertaken in safety, especially from ur judge. In other words, discovering that u r feeling like an angry and humiliated four-year-old is not a reason to attack urself. It is important that the awareness be held in a space of gentle and respectful kindness.
Soul
I guess it was me with my brother. Someone that I love and I hide my hurt cos if I expressed I worry he hurt me or at times he will said he is joking and I am too serious. So, that nullify my sadness and I just stop expressing it.
Soul without Shame
AH Almaas
To live in freedom and absolute fulfillment, we need a complete, radical shift and such a shift can occur only when there is a complete understanding of what we are actually doing. All the work u do here is based on understanding what u do and how u interfere with the natural process.
If u try to do anything other than understand the situation, ur effort will be a blockage, a resistance, an interference. U cannot make urself grow; u can only cease to interfere.
U cannot make urself happy; u can only stop ur judgements. Growth and expansion are natural; they are the life force itself. And u cannot predict its direction.
Soul
Yea, I know.
We connected and Z said he was only joking when he said all those things to me.
Alas, I overcome another hurdle, the fear of telling him how I feel, the fear of losing him. I realised everytime we overcome hurdle, we felt closer.
Today got the Filipino Reporting Analyst. He fits the role well, can speak well and I think hardworking. His Destiny is Jack of Heart, so that's fine with me.
Soul without shame
Awareness is very powerful, and this process of exploration must be undertaken in safety, especially from ur judge. In other words, discovering that u r feeling like an angry and humiliated four-year-old is not a reason to attack urself. It is important that the awareness be held in a space of gentle and respectful kindness.
Soul
I guess it was me with my brother. Someone that I love and I hide my hurt cos if I expressed I worry he hurt me or at times he will said he is joking and I am too serious. So, that nullify my sadness and I just stop expressing it.
Soul without Shame
AH Almaas
To live in freedom and absolute fulfillment, we need a complete, radical shift and such a shift can occur only when there is a complete understanding of what we are actually doing. All the work u do here is based on understanding what u do and how u interfere with the natural process.
If u try to do anything other than understand the situation, ur effort will be a blockage, a resistance, an interference. U cannot make urself grow; u can only cease to interfere.
U cannot make urself happy; u can only stop ur judgements. Growth and expansion are natural; they are the life force itself. And u cannot predict its direction.
Soul
Yea, I know.
Nothing to lose - is the ability to lose all
Feb 22
Father, I am back. Did my asanas, it wasn't great but have some laughter. Shakti and Shambavi was fine and I had little tots. I find myself not hooked. I saw the tots and asked if I want to follow, I said nope and just focus on my breathe. I have a choice now in either to follow or not follow my tots.
On my lesson in "nothing to lose". I had an insight that "nothing to lose" also include losing Z. Only then I can be fearless in this relationship. I am not leaving him but I no longer fear of losing him. He and I have different perspective of this rship. I stayed cos I love him and I know he is my life's greatest lesson - both cosmic lesson and cosmic reward. I think we r great together and I want us to have a committed relationship. I want us to have a permanent relationship that includes our family and friends. He wanted a temporary relationship and definitely no commitment. And he also wants our rship to be private.
We both wants different things and I am bound to be hurt but at least I want to be able to express how I feel and say what I want to have from him.
There is nothing to lose on my side and now there is nothing to lose also if I don't have him.
Tot of the healing book
Rheumatoid Arthritis
Deep criticism of authority. Feeling very put upon.
I am my own authority.
I love and approve of myself.
Life is good.
Nose - stuffy
Not recognising the self worth.
I love and appreciate myself.
Fat arm
Anger at being denied love
It is safe for me to create all the love I want.
Soul
Finally I can see that Z and I are on different path. Because of that my feelings will be hurt. I am staying because of hope. He is staying because he is getting what he wants, an uncommitted relationship. I gave him that cos I was afraid to lose him.
I recalled I was reading about saying no to sex without condom. And the guy doesn't comply, withhold sex. I tot how can? I tried to ask Z but he said no. For me, withhold sex also not good for me as I want him. So, net net I was afraid to lose him and I cannot make a stand against him. Well, not really, he asked me to other things like introductions and etc, which I said nope straight off.
Well, now my new Insight is "nothing to lose" includes losing Z too. Just like my "nothing to lose includes losing the job. I am confident I will find new job, that I am valuable. Then the same I am confident, I will find new lover, that will valued me.
Z replied, "thanks for help". He is ignoring my msg. Of which I told him that his reply doesn't match with my msg.
Father, I am back. Did my asanas, it wasn't great but have some laughter. Shakti and Shambavi was fine and I had little tots. I find myself not hooked. I saw the tots and asked if I want to follow, I said nope and just focus on my breathe. I have a choice now in either to follow or not follow my tots.
On my lesson in "nothing to lose". I had an insight that "nothing to lose" also include losing Z. Only then I can be fearless in this relationship. I am not leaving him but I no longer fear of losing him. He and I have different perspective of this rship. I stayed cos I love him and I know he is my life's greatest lesson - both cosmic lesson and cosmic reward. I think we r great together and I want us to have a committed relationship. I want us to have a permanent relationship that includes our family and friends. He wanted a temporary relationship and definitely no commitment. And he also wants our rship to be private.
We both wants different things and I am bound to be hurt but at least I want to be able to express how I feel and say what I want to have from him.
There is nothing to lose on my side and now there is nothing to lose also if I don't have him.
Tot of the healing book
Rheumatoid Arthritis
Deep criticism of authority. Feeling very put upon.
I am my own authority.
I love and approve of myself.
Life is good.
Nose - stuffy
Not recognising the self worth.
I love and appreciate myself.
Fat arm
Anger at being denied love
It is safe for me to create all the love I want.
Soul
Finally I can see that Z and I are on different path. Because of that my feelings will be hurt. I am staying because of hope. He is staying because he is getting what he wants, an uncommitted relationship. I gave him that cos I was afraid to lose him.
I recalled I was reading about saying no to sex without condom. And the guy doesn't comply, withhold sex. I tot how can? I tried to ask Z but he said no. For me, withhold sex also not good for me as I want him. So, net net I was afraid to lose him and I cannot make a stand against him. Well, not really, he asked me to other things like introductions and etc, which I said nope straight off.
Well, now my new Insight is "nothing to lose" includes losing Z too. Just like my "nothing to lose includes losing the job. I am confident I will find new job, that I am valuable. Then the same I am confident, I will find new lover, that will valued me.
Z replied, "thanks for help". He is ignoring my msg. Of which I told him that his reply doesn't match with my msg.
Settling down with myself (3) - expressing my feeling to Z
Feb 21 afternoon
Father, I have send a note to Z on his slight outburst of "game over" yesterday. I immediately took it as a 'cut' of our relationship. I think he saw my face change and he try to lighten the situation by talking about the BB.
But today I feel sad...its true, there is nothing to lose when I am with him...but somehow I remember all his comments on us:
- we are temporary
- he has loads of gals but all require money and he sticks with me cos I don't need money and infact sponsor him
- he is unreachable and I am only the one that still calls back.
He calls me twice and I was in meeting. But even I am not in meeting, I don't think I can take his call as I am feeling emotional. I don't want to break down, I don't want to lose control...Today, I am feeling emotional ...tears is just near my eyes.
I am beginning to evaluate me staying with him....he keeps on saying I am not important and the only reason we are together is because I m available and he doesn't have money to find new ones.
Now I realised what is keeping inside me. I am slow to react but his words hurts...thats me, keeping things inside...
Father guide me.
I know my nodes says that I like to shut down whenever I feel emotional..
anyway...I guess I need to attend to it...at least made him realise how I felt..It is not even on win win situation..is it s on win lose situation...
Not sure...but suddenly tot of my cards - suppression.
Father, why do I don't know I feel hurt at the on-set...I guess thats what is meant by auto-emotional control.
I don't feel like I have to continue just to prove I could do it. I have done it..but I am not sure I want to be in relationship that is not recognised, not appreciated, not given any importance at all, just a by the way...I deserved more..
I just don't want to prove I am more...
Internal Influence that I am unaware
The Burden
When we carry a load of shoulds and shouldn'ts imposed on us by others we become like this ragged, struggling figure trying to make his way uphill. "Go faster, try harder, reach the top!" shouts the foolish tyrant he carries on his shoulder, while the tyrant himself is crowned with an imperious rooster. If life these days feels like just a struggle from the cradle to the grave, it could be time to shrug your shoulders and see what it feels like to walk without these characters on your back. You have your own mountains to conquer, your own dreams to fulfill, but you will never have the energy to pursue them until you release yourself from all the expectations you've gathered from others but now think are your own.
Soul
I think I come to realise of 'appreciation' when I see how S cares for C. Also, of how both S and E appreciates me. I guess my Three of Heart is the tussle between S and C, old vs new office.
On another note...I guess the only fear is letting go of Z...what if I cannot find another...but then what am I losing as he is not giving me anything at all...not his time, nor his care, not his money..nothing....
Suppression
The figure on this card is quite literally "all tied up in knots". His light still shines within, but he has repressed his own vitality trying to meet so many demands and expectations. He has given up all his own power and vision in return for being accepted by the very same forces that have imprisoned him. The danger of suppressing one's natural energy in this way is apparent in the cracks of a volcanic eruption about to take place around the edges of the image.
Soul
Father, I am just sad...that he didn't appreciate me despite me being with him...eventhough i was afraid, eventhough i am not getting what i want...so, any action by him will cause me to think of 'rejection'...especially since he keep on telling me it is temporary...and we r just ship that pass in the night...and we r together because he doesn't have money to find another gal...
All those things hurts..but somehow i blocked it....anyway for now let me be sad that he reciprocate my love...
let me stay with this feeling of sadness...wish I m back home...so I can cry....again...
Yday Maha opens me up...opens up my feeling door...
Feb 21 Eve
Father, I had a good cry in the car. After that I felt calm. I tot of my normal modus opus randi of clamping down whenever I get emotional. This is me not liking that I am not in fcontrol.
I called him but no response. Part of me knew that he be unreachable. But I no longer take that personally as he is most likely sleeping. I also know of him disliking his phone after office hours.
Anyway, this time I didn't keep my feelings inside. I msg him as follows;
U know I love u but I also have pride too. It is quite demeaning to know that u didn't leave because I am the only gal who doesn't need money for dates and etc. U keep on reminding me I am only temporary with u. I know u don't love me, liking also I am not sure. My problem is sometime I feel hurt but I kept inside. Yday when u said game over, the hurt came back.
Father, I have send a note to Z on his slight outburst of "game over" yesterday. I immediately took it as a 'cut' of our relationship. I think he saw my face change and he try to lighten the situation by talking about the BB.
But today I feel sad...its true, there is nothing to lose when I am with him...but somehow I remember all his comments on us:
- we are temporary
- he has loads of gals but all require money and he sticks with me cos I don't need money and infact sponsor him
- he is unreachable and I am only the one that still calls back.
He calls me twice and I was in meeting. But even I am not in meeting, I don't think I can take his call as I am feeling emotional. I don't want to break down, I don't want to lose control...Today, I am feeling emotional ...tears is just near my eyes.
I am beginning to evaluate me staying with him....he keeps on saying I am not important and the only reason we are together is because I m available and he doesn't have money to find new ones.
Now I realised what is keeping inside me. I am slow to react but his words hurts...thats me, keeping things inside...
Father guide me.
I know my nodes says that I like to shut down whenever I feel emotional..
anyway...I guess I need to attend to it...at least made him realise how I felt..It is not even on win win situation..is it s on win lose situation...
Not sure...but suddenly tot of my cards - suppression.
Father, why do I don't know I feel hurt at the on-set...I guess thats what is meant by auto-emotional control.
I don't feel like I have to continue just to prove I could do it. I have done it..but I am not sure I want to be in relationship that is not recognised, not appreciated, not given any importance at all, just a by the way...I deserved more..
I just don't want to prove I am more...
Internal Influence that I am unaware
The Burden
When we carry a load of shoulds and shouldn'ts imposed on us by others we become like this ragged, struggling figure trying to make his way uphill. "Go faster, try harder, reach the top!" shouts the foolish tyrant he carries on his shoulder, while the tyrant himself is crowned with an imperious rooster. If life these days feels like just a struggle from the cradle to the grave, it could be time to shrug your shoulders and see what it feels like to walk without these characters on your back. You have your own mountains to conquer, your own dreams to fulfill, but you will never have the energy to pursue them until you release yourself from all the expectations you've gathered from others but now think are your own.
Soul
I think I come to realise of 'appreciation' when I see how S cares for C. Also, of how both S and E appreciates me. I guess my Three of Heart is the tussle between S and C, old vs new office.
On another note...I guess the only fear is letting go of Z...what if I cannot find another...but then what am I losing as he is not giving me anything at all...not his time, nor his care, not his money..nothing....
Suppression
The figure on this card is quite literally "all tied up in knots". His light still shines within, but he has repressed his own vitality trying to meet so many demands and expectations. He has given up all his own power and vision in return for being accepted by the very same forces that have imprisoned him. The danger of suppressing one's natural energy in this way is apparent in the cracks of a volcanic eruption about to take place around the edges of the image.
Soul
Father, I am just sad...that he didn't appreciate me despite me being with him...eventhough i was afraid, eventhough i am not getting what i want...so, any action by him will cause me to think of 'rejection'...especially since he keep on telling me it is temporary...and we r just ship that pass in the night...and we r together because he doesn't have money to find another gal...
All those things hurts..but somehow i blocked it....anyway for now let me be sad that he reciprocate my love...
let me stay with this feeling of sadness...wish I m back home...so I can cry....again...
Yday Maha opens me up...opens up my feeling door...
Feb 21 Eve
Father, I had a good cry in the car. After that I felt calm. I tot of my normal modus opus randi of clamping down whenever I get emotional. This is me not liking that I am not in fcontrol.
I called him but no response. Part of me knew that he be unreachable. But I no longer take that personally as he is most likely sleeping. I also know of him disliking his phone after office hours.
Anyway, this time I didn't keep my feelings inside. I msg him as follows;
U know I love u but I also have pride too. It is quite demeaning to know that u didn't leave because I am the only gal who doesn't need money for dates and etc. U keep on reminding me I am only temporary with u. I know u don't love me, liking also I am not sure. My problem is sometime I feel hurt but I kept inside. Yday when u said game over, the hurt came back.
Settling down with myself (2)
Feb 20 Aft
Father, I am slowly but surely releasing the inner burden. Today, didn't do my hata cos I know tonight it will be late.
I am glad I didn't spend much time worrying cos it is not necessary. E came down to help. I thanked him just now.
I also got an agent who said she can definitely get a higher rental than what I am getting. Great.
1. Issue
The Creator
The mystic, creates himself. He works on himself, his own being. And he is the real creator, the real poet, because he makes himself into a masterpiece.
The King of Fire tells us that anything that we undertake now, with the understanding that comes from maturity, will bring enrichment to our own lives and to the lives of others. Using whatever skills u have, whatever u have learned from ur own life experience, it is time to express urself.
2. Internal influence
The burden
A man's true life is the way in which he puts off the lie imposed by others on him. Stripped, naked, natural, he is what he is. This is a matter of being, and not of becoming.
All aims and ends and ideals and goals has to be dropped. They are all lies. When we carry a load of should and shouldn't imposed on us by others we become like this ragged, struggling figure trying to make his way uphill. "Go faster, try harder, reach the top".
Just drop ur loads.
3. External influence
Courage
When we r faced with a very difficult situation, we have a choice; we can either be resentful and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardships, or we can face the challenge and grow.
If the seed is to become the flower, we must go through the challenges. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower u r meant to be.
4. What is needed for resolution
Suppression
5. Resolution
Consciousness
The flower that has become aware of itself need not come back to life because life is nothing but a school in which to learn. He has learned the lesson, he is now beyond delusions. He will move from the known for the first time, not to the unknown but into the unknowable.
Father, I am slowly but surely releasing the inner burden. Today, didn't do my hata cos I know tonight it will be late.
I am glad I didn't spend much time worrying cos it is not necessary. E came down to help. I thanked him just now.
I also got an agent who said she can definitely get a higher rental than what I am getting. Great.
1. Issue
The Creator
The mystic, creates himself. He works on himself, his own being. And he is the real creator, the real poet, because he makes himself into a masterpiece.
The King of Fire tells us that anything that we undertake now, with the understanding that comes from maturity, will bring enrichment to our own lives and to the lives of others. Using whatever skills u have, whatever u have learned from ur own life experience, it is time to express urself.
2. Internal influence
The burden
A man's true life is the way in which he puts off the lie imposed by others on him. Stripped, naked, natural, he is what he is. This is a matter of being, and not of becoming.
All aims and ends and ideals and goals has to be dropped. They are all lies. When we carry a load of should and shouldn't imposed on us by others we become like this ragged, struggling figure trying to make his way uphill. "Go faster, try harder, reach the top".
Just drop ur loads.
3. External influence
Courage
When we r faced with a very difficult situation, we have a choice; we can either be resentful and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardships, or we can face the challenge and grow.
If the seed is to become the flower, we must go through the challenges. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower u r meant to be.
4. What is needed for resolution
Suppression
5. Resolution
Consciousness
The flower that has become aware of itself need not come back to life because life is nothing but a school in which to learn. He has learned the lesson, he is now beyond delusions. He will move from the known for the first time, not to the unknown but into the unknowable.
Settling down with myself
Feb 20
Father, I woke up at 4 am, feeling groggy and tired. When I sat down at the toilet bowl, I tot perhaps don't have to do cos tonight got Maha and I need to stay up. I then went back to sleep but mind was spinning, so I didn't sleep well and I woke up 5.50 am. I tot might as well do shambavi. I woke up and did my guru pooja and shambavi. I feel refreshed. On the way to work, I feel fine.
Father, I too drive myself in practices. It was thru perseverance that I got up at 4 am on work day. That's why I don't want to work on Friday morning cos at least I can wake up at 6.30 am.
Yesterday I has some worries and I was watching breathe but got interrupted from P. I had to watch the Isha Kriya dvd, which was a good stopper. I told her about my worries and she understand. Then Z send me a msg that he is sad and I called him back. We chatted and have fun. Such irony, I wanted to call him but I let go and in the end, he too wanted the chat. He told me he listened to my advice and now he is on investment mode instead of debt mode. So, when he talked it will be on investment and savings instead. Of course, he did say we were temporary. Never mind, his displacement is Five of Clubs and will follow thru this year April. So, still got time. For me, nothing to lose.
I think I know why I am here at new company. They calling for help. It seems my role has always been to manage CEO. It started from G, A, then M and recently J and now E. Mmm, why do I always play support role to CEO??
(Mar 25 - it is stated in my North Node in Taurus)
Soul without shame
Joy is curious. Joy is curiosity. As u love the truth, or as truth loves the activity u r engaged in, truth shines.
When we r curious, we r completely whole, happy. Whatever happens to be there, u r in love with it. U r completely in love with urself, with ur existence. U r free the moment that u r completely curious.
Soul
For now, I am curious as to where the new company led me. As for Z, while he may find me boring at times but his sexual attraction for me got him hooked. Like he said he can't set a date cos he is thinking with his D.
Father, my issue with leadership and responsibility goes all the way since I was a child. Mmm, I am a Queen but my personality is Ace and Ace doesn't want to be queen cos to be queen is to serve and be responsible for loads of people. Ace just wants to be alone and do her own thing. The only lucky thing is that both my Ace and Queen is under same Diamonds.
Father, I woke up at 4 am, feeling groggy and tired. When I sat down at the toilet bowl, I tot perhaps don't have to do cos tonight got Maha and I need to stay up. I then went back to sleep but mind was spinning, so I didn't sleep well and I woke up 5.50 am. I tot might as well do shambavi. I woke up and did my guru pooja and shambavi. I feel refreshed. On the way to work, I feel fine.
Father, I too drive myself in practices. It was thru perseverance that I got up at 4 am on work day. That's why I don't want to work on Friday morning cos at least I can wake up at 6.30 am.
Yesterday I has some worries and I was watching breathe but got interrupted from P. I had to watch the Isha Kriya dvd, which was a good stopper. I told her about my worries and she understand. Then Z send me a msg that he is sad and I called him back. We chatted and have fun. Such irony, I wanted to call him but I let go and in the end, he too wanted the chat. He told me he listened to my advice and now he is on investment mode instead of debt mode. So, when he talked it will be on investment and savings instead. Of course, he did say we were temporary. Never mind, his displacement is Five of Clubs and will follow thru this year April. So, still got time. For me, nothing to lose.
I think I know why I am here at new company. They calling for help. It seems my role has always been to manage CEO. It started from G, A, then M and recently J and now E. Mmm, why do I always play support role to CEO??
(Mar 25 - it is stated in my North Node in Taurus)
Soul without shame
Joy is curious. Joy is curiosity. As u love the truth, or as truth loves the activity u r engaged in, truth shines.
When we r curious, we r completely whole, happy. Whatever happens to be there, u r in love with it. U r completely in love with urself, with ur existence. U r free the moment that u r completely curious.
Soul
For now, I am curious as to where the new company led me. As for Z, while he may find me boring at times but his sexual attraction for me got him hooked. Like he said he can't set a date cos he is thinking with his D.
Father, my issue with leadership and responsibility goes all the way since I was a child. Mmm, I am a Queen but my personality is Ace and Ace doesn't want to be queen cos to be queen is to serve and be responsible for loads of people. Ace just wants to be alone and do her own thing. The only lucky thing is that both my Ace and Queen is under same Diamonds.
Fear in letting go of comfort zone
Feb 19 Eve
Suddenly I miss Z and I want to talk to him. I ask myself, we just spoke yesterday. So, what is it? Then I realised I have worrying tots of tomorrow. What are they? I am worried of the new role. I am worried I can't make the Maha on time or rather I am afraid how they viewed me if I want to go off early. I have these flexibility in old company and I felt I lost it. Even jeans, they don't wear.
While I am not so bothered about what E tot of me as I already told him I was supposed to be on leave tomorrow and tuesday. I am more worried about the rest.
Yea, the inner judge poking why I left my old comfortable job. And now after 3 years, I now start to have worrying tots. Tot of seeking comfort from Z. A tot came to me, for him is money worries and etc. Work is not an issue to him as he is not afraid of hard work.
Father, I know leaving current company was the right move as it is crumbling. And I know I am ready for my next growth phase. I can be the COO, but I am not sure of the price to pay. Aiyah, no worries lah.
Mmm, what's my internal Influence Osho card
Ripeness
Only if ur meditation has brought u a light that shines in every night will even death not be a death to u but a door to the divine.
Soul
Yea, facing my Nine of Diamond. It is not I am afraid of the new job but its more of me losing my old comforts.
I didn't seek this change and infact I resisted it. But I am in now.
For the first time I want some guidance for what's next. I think just released energy from my mind.
Suddenly I miss Z and I want to talk to him. I ask myself, we just spoke yesterday. So, what is it? Then I realised I have worrying tots of tomorrow. What are they? I am worried of the new role. I am worried I can't make the Maha on time or rather I am afraid how they viewed me if I want to go off early. I have these flexibility in old company and I felt I lost it. Even jeans, they don't wear.
While I am not so bothered about what E tot of me as I already told him I was supposed to be on leave tomorrow and tuesday. I am more worried about the rest.
Yea, the inner judge poking why I left my old comfortable job. And now after 3 years, I now start to have worrying tots. Tot of seeking comfort from Z. A tot came to me, for him is money worries and etc. Work is not an issue to him as he is not afraid of hard work.
Father, I know leaving current company was the right move as it is crumbling. And I know I am ready for my next growth phase. I can be the COO, but I am not sure of the price to pay. Aiyah, no worries lah.
Mmm, what's my internal Influence Osho card
Ripeness
Only if ur meditation has brought u a light that shines in every night will even death not be a death to u but a door to the divine.
Soul
Yea, facing my Nine of Diamond. It is not I am afraid of the new job but its more of me losing my old comforts.
I didn't seek this change and infact I resisted it. But I am in now.
For the first time I want some guidance for what's next. I think just released energy from my mind.
I am still 'doing' eventhough I dont like it
Feb 19
Father, it was raining. I took my umbrella and had a lovely walk in the park. Did my usual 3 rounds despite the rain.
Was updating my blog for Jan 18 and realised this. I have the subsconscious need to be the best in whatever I do. This is ironic when I seems not bothered. The thing is why everytime I am involved, I seems always have to take the lead, to be responsible.
That's why I avoid life. Cos anything I touched I always seem to lead. Perhaps its because of my subconscious need to be the best, to prove my value.
Father, again now at new company. I see the people there and I knew why E wants me there, its again to take a lead cos Je and J can't. I wonder the other guy, D may be good.
Anyway, I am not sure of S yet, but if she didn't take up the offer, I will then get the audit gal to be FM then.
Just now I finished my shower and then I turned on the rain shower, I had whale of time laughing non-stop. Looks like its not the water pressure, its just the volume of water.
Father, while I can't let go of the lead role but at least I can now voice my resistance being a lead in Isha. Talking about overcoming likes/dislikes is this. Me, don't like to even volunteer but now have to be volunteer lead. Me, who doesn't really like J but have to support her and made her feel welcome.
Father, it was raining. I took my umbrella and had a lovely walk in the park. Did my usual 3 rounds despite the rain.
Was updating my blog for Jan 18 and realised this. I have the subsconscious need to be the best in whatever I do. This is ironic when I seems not bothered. The thing is why everytime I am involved, I seems always have to take the lead, to be responsible.
That's why I avoid life. Cos anything I touched I always seem to lead. Perhaps its because of my subconscious need to be the best, to prove my value.
Father, again now at new company. I see the people there and I knew why E wants me there, its again to take a lead cos Je and J can't. I wonder the other guy, D may be good.
Anyway, I am not sure of S yet, but if she didn't take up the offer, I will then get the audit gal to be FM then.
Just now I finished my shower and then I turned on the rain shower, I had whale of time laughing non-stop. Looks like its not the water pressure, its just the volume of water.
Father, while I can't let go of the lead role but at least I can now voice my resistance being a lead in Isha. Talking about overcoming likes/dislikes is this. Me, don't like to even volunteer but now have to be volunteer lead. Me, who doesn't really like J but have to support her and made her feel welcome.
I am not open
Feb 18
Father, Z msg me on my BB's headings. I just let it be cos I was watching my favourite drama show. Then I called him an hour later but no response and I know he slept already.
I called him around 7 pm and he woke up. He was very tired from all the travelling. We spoke and have fun. He wants me to intro his chartered accountant friend. Of course, I said nope. He then said I always says no and I am not open. Well, I react the same way with others too. My first response is generally no, unless it relates to my work. That is also mentioned in my nodes.
I normally don't like to do this connection thingy and favours asking. My friends also doesn't ask me. And those who asked, I either ignore and said no to.
Diamond Heart - Ah Almaas
In the world and not of it
It doesn't mean u have to forget about relationships and go off to a cave someplace or to the north pole and merge with the icebergs. If u want to this, that's fine; it doesn't really matter.
What does matters is that whatever u r doing, whether in a relationship or not, u need to look inside urself and find what the barriers are that prevent u from experiencing that part of u that can feel merged and melted no matter who u r with and where u r.
Soul
With Z, I seek bliss with him. As for the merging, I can find that during meditation. I know I don't need him. Infact the merge of myself is even more potent vs the merge of us both.
Father, Z msg me on my BB's headings. I just let it be cos I was watching my favourite drama show. Then I called him an hour later but no response and I know he slept already.
I called him around 7 pm and he woke up. He was very tired from all the travelling. We spoke and have fun. He wants me to intro his chartered accountant friend. Of course, I said nope. He then said I always says no and I am not open. Well, I react the same way with others too. My first response is generally no, unless it relates to my work. That is also mentioned in my nodes.
I normally don't like to do this connection thingy and favours asking. My friends also doesn't ask me. And those who asked, I either ignore and said no to.
Diamond Heart - Ah Almaas
In the world and not of it
It doesn't mean u have to forget about relationships and go off to a cave someplace or to the north pole and merge with the icebergs. If u want to this, that's fine; it doesn't really matter.
What does matters is that whatever u r doing, whether in a relationship or not, u need to look inside urself and find what the barriers are that prevent u from experiencing that part of u that can feel merged and melted no matter who u r with and where u r.
Soul
With Z, I seek bliss with him. As for the merging, I can find that during meditation. I know I don't need him. Infact the merge of myself is even more potent vs the merge of us both.
My comfort zone is cracking, face up to new future
Feb 17
Father, this morning alarm rang at 6.30 am but I was so tired. I just can't and also don't want to get up. I wanted to sleep. I slept and woke up about 8.15 am and just did practices without hata. It was quite deep.
Father, with SL in my life. I am not sure of my interaction but I know she can do the job. Anyway, let's see.
Ace of Spade
Traditional card for death, change and transformation.
On teacher. Looks like not reverting on venue. The old me would have reacted. But the new me is not as bothered as before. Like C said she is now being churlish cos I didn't kow tow. So, let's see. Two can play the game. Mmmm, perhaps a good opportunity to pull out. Or is this my defense mechanism. Frankly I don't have their passion for Isha. I am grateful to Sadhguru and I love the practices but I don't identify myself with Isha.
Afternoon
Just updating my blog and saw this.
Sadhguru
If one is striving for growth, earthquakes and landslides keep on happening in one's life. Everyday, in its effort to grow, it dismantles itself, thus leading to a huge number of landslides and avalanches.
Soul
Thanks for this. Major landslides but it only spur me to grow. Looks like my time for retirement is not here yet.
Osho cards for the week
1. Issue
Laziness
The gentleman clearly thinks he got it made. He doesn't have the energy to get up and do anything because he thinks he's done it already. He hasn't yet turned to see the mirror cracking around him on his right, a sure sign that the place he thinks he's finally arrived at is about to shatter and dissolve before his very eyes.
The message this card brings is that this poolside resort is not ur final destination. The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show.
Ur complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now it's time to move on.
Sadhguru
When who u are is broken, only then u can be ecstatic.
As body and mind becomes less and less important, all the undulations of life don't affect u anymore.
(Mar 25 - Just now when the mind was working overtime, I was feeling like not so great. I tot whether it could be due to V asking me about my expectation for Z. I said we just enjoy each other company. But I guess, I wanted us to progress. We are meeting on weekend, which is a progress and he does keep me posted on his whereabout. I just look at it, I think I was just tired. Then I did shoonya and i am fine. )
Soul
Tot of me being ecstatic despite receiving bad news last Wednesday. I was crying and followed by many rounds of laughing. Part of me was ecstatic and I don't know why. It seems weird to be happy over such bad news.
Father, this morning alarm rang at 6.30 am but I was so tired. I just can't and also don't want to get up. I wanted to sleep. I slept and woke up about 8.15 am and just did practices without hata. It was quite deep.
Father, with SL in my life. I am not sure of my interaction but I know she can do the job. Anyway, let's see.
Ace of Spade
Traditional card for death, change and transformation.
On teacher. Looks like not reverting on venue. The old me would have reacted. But the new me is not as bothered as before. Like C said she is now being churlish cos I didn't kow tow. So, let's see. Two can play the game. Mmmm, perhaps a good opportunity to pull out. Or is this my defense mechanism. Frankly I don't have their passion for Isha. I am grateful to Sadhguru and I love the practices but I don't identify myself with Isha.
Afternoon
Just updating my blog and saw this.
Sadhguru
If one is striving for growth, earthquakes and landslides keep on happening in one's life. Everyday, in its effort to grow, it dismantles itself, thus leading to a huge number of landslides and avalanches.
Soul
Thanks for this. Major landslides but it only spur me to grow. Looks like my time for retirement is not here yet.
Osho cards for the week
1. Issue
Laziness
The gentleman clearly thinks he got it made. He doesn't have the energy to get up and do anything because he thinks he's done it already. He hasn't yet turned to see the mirror cracking around him on his right, a sure sign that the place he thinks he's finally arrived at is about to shatter and dissolve before his very eyes.
The message this card brings is that this poolside resort is not ur final destination. The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show.
Ur complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now it's time to move on.
Sadhguru
When who u are is broken, only then u can be ecstatic.
As body and mind becomes less and less important, all the undulations of life don't affect u anymore.
(Mar 25 - Just now when the mind was working overtime, I was feeling like not so great. I tot whether it could be due to V asking me about my expectation for Z. I said we just enjoy each other company. But I guess, I wanted us to progress. We are meeting on weekend, which is a progress and he does keep me posted on his whereabout. I just look at it, I think I was just tired. Then I did shoonya and i am fine. )
Soul
Tot of me being ecstatic despite receiving bad news last Wednesday. I was crying and followed by many rounds of laughing. Part of me was ecstatic and I don't know why. It seems weird to be happy over such bad news.
New job have challenges, but I am fine
Feb 16 Aft
Father, it is great that SL agrees. She is interested in the portfolio that I recommend. Like she said it is destiny, pre-arranged. Yea, a few months ago, she would not be ready and neither am I.
I felt bit helpless as I can't do the reporting. But it is good that I manage to hold back and keep Sharon motivated. On D, even J doesn't want to keep her. So, I was correct in my assessment of her from day one. Anyway, no point talking to her then.
No worries. Tomorrow take half day off.
(Mar 25 - She didn't join me. Looks like my karma with her ended)
Feb 16 Eve
Father, bit tired. But at least got half day tomorrow. Anyway, let's work on that. Even if I cannot get 1 full day, look for half day off.
So fast, tomorrow is volunteer meeting.
Today, I gave the Isha kriya dvd to my new staff. She and I just clicked and she wants to meditate.
Just now I did shoonya and samyama. I went in deep. I admit ego is still talking of loss comfort but I am moving on.
Father, it is great that SL agrees. She is interested in the portfolio that I recommend. Like she said it is destiny, pre-arranged. Yea, a few months ago, she would not be ready and neither am I.
I felt bit helpless as I can't do the reporting. But it is good that I manage to hold back and keep Sharon motivated. On D, even J doesn't want to keep her. So, I was correct in my assessment of her from day one. Anyway, no point talking to her then.
No worries. Tomorrow take half day off.
(Mar 25 - She didn't join me. Looks like my karma with her ended)
Feb 16 Eve
Father, bit tired. But at least got half day tomorrow. Anyway, let's work on that. Even if I cannot get 1 full day, look for half day off.
So fast, tomorrow is volunteer meeting.
Today, I gave the Isha kriya dvd to my new staff. She and I just clicked and she wants to meditate.
Just now I did shoonya and samyama. I went in deep. I admit ego is still talking of loss comfort but I am moving on.
Expansion requires letting go
Feb 16
Father, I am still fine over yday event. My mind is clear and infact I am exploring how I can shape up the department. This visibility is not just about reporting, it is also about communication and driving results. We do need a PMO that identify and document key data that provide and drives results and it will be communicated to Manager. So, we are not just providing reports, we are also monitoring results with reporting Team Leads, identifying high flyers and low performance, and alert Mgm.
We are going to be Sales or Business Mgm Office and we are in charge of monitoring company, country, clients and individual staff performance. We will also set and compute sales commission payable. I wrote a short note to new boss, E and he fully agrees.
I am excited about this new role. Yea, the previous dilemma was in letting go.
I was having Success Card in this week Osho. At first, not sure but now I know.
Success
Because of ur willingness to accept the recent challenges of life, you are now - or soon will be - enjoying a wonderful ride on the tiger of success. Welcome it, enjoy it and share your joy with others and remember that all bright parades have a beginning and an end.
Soul
Yea.
Coincidentally today Destiny's card
King of Spades in Jupiter
The King of Spades is the final and most powerful card in the deck, representing both mastery of one's environment and one's self.
Whenever this card appears, u can bet that u will experience good fortune and results.
It is especially good for legal matters and business but can be applied to any area of life for success. It brings the most blessings to those who are ready and willing to take responsibility for their life and work and who can take a leadership position in their work.
Soul
Very true. I am glad I stake my claim by getting into my creative part and showed my forte. I have always dreamed of managing a business for CEO and now I am doing it.
Now know what my Osho - the Miser meant
The moment u become miserly, u r closed to the basic phenomenon of life; expansion and sharing.
Our treasures can become stagnant from disuse and worthless if we refuse to share them. Loosen ur grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring.
Soul
Yea.
Father, I am still fine over yday event. My mind is clear and infact I am exploring how I can shape up the department. This visibility is not just about reporting, it is also about communication and driving results. We do need a PMO that identify and document key data that provide and drives results and it will be communicated to Manager. So, we are not just providing reports, we are also monitoring results with reporting Team Leads, identifying high flyers and low performance, and alert Mgm.
We are going to be Sales or Business Mgm Office and we are in charge of monitoring company, country, clients and individual staff performance. We will also set and compute sales commission payable. I wrote a short note to new boss, E and he fully agrees.
I am excited about this new role. Yea, the previous dilemma was in letting go.
I was having Success Card in this week Osho. At first, not sure but now I know.
Success
Because of ur willingness to accept the recent challenges of life, you are now - or soon will be - enjoying a wonderful ride on the tiger of success. Welcome it, enjoy it and share your joy with others and remember that all bright parades have a beginning and an end.
Soul
Yea.
Coincidentally today Destiny's card
King of Spades in Jupiter
The King of Spades is the final and most powerful card in the deck, representing both mastery of one's environment and one's self.
Whenever this card appears, u can bet that u will experience good fortune and results.
It is especially good for legal matters and business but can be applied to any area of life for success. It brings the most blessings to those who are ready and willing to take responsibility for their life and work and who can take a leadership position in their work.
Soul
Very true. I am glad I stake my claim by getting into my creative part and showed my forte. I have always dreamed of managing a business for CEO and now I am doing it.
Now know what my Osho - the Miser meant
The moment u become miserly, u r closed to the basic phenomenon of life; expansion and sharing.
Our treasures can become stagnant from disuse and worthless if we refuse to share them. Loosen ur grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring.
Soul
Yea.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Even death is a door!
Feb 15 Eve
Father, what a day!!
Firstly, I found out that both of my new staff are not suitable for their role. Then I had a chat with the 3 days new staff and she wanted to resign asap but I managed to convince her to stay.
Then I found out that the 'older gal' is not good, evasive and etc.
I left office and needed to go to isha meet to get some loving energy. It was jam on the way and I was stuck in traffic. I cried and wailed, then I laugh so much, alternating each and I wonder if I gone crazy. An hour later I was fine. Had the meet up and have fun.
I came back and now found out that the other gal has resigned and she is very frustrated indeed.
Anyway, I was planning to take her out too. Perhaps blessing in disguise.
For the first time, I don't take this personally. I see the plus side also. I think the old gal is afraid cos previously there is no one to assess her performance and she seems to be the queen there and don't like competition.
Also, somehow I always believe 'not good' people won't stay with me. I am sure, with my luck. I get good people.
What a day!! And here I tot the Osho card was weird. Me crying in Resolution card and I cried loads today
Ice-olation
The tears and only the tears, have the power to melt the ice. Its okay to cry, and there is no reason to feel ashamed of ur tears. Crying helps us to let go of pain, allows us to be gentle with ourselves and finally helps us to heal.
Soul
Amen.
Father, what a day!!
Firstly, I found out that both of my new staff are not suitable for their role. Then I had a chat with the 3 days new staff and she wanted to resign asap but I managed to convince her to stay.
Then I found out that the 'older gal' is not good, evasive and etc.
I left office and needed to go to isha meet to get some loving energy. It was jam on the way and I was stuck in traffic. I cried and wailed, then I laugh so much, alternating each and I wonder if I gone crazy. An hour later I was fine. Had the meet up and have fun.
I came back and now found out that the other gal has resigned and she is very frustrated indeed.
Anyway, I was planning to take her out too. Perhaps blessing in disguise.
For the first time, I don't take this personally. I see the plus side also. I think the old gal is afraid cos previously there is no one to assess her performance and she seems to be the queen there and don't like competition.
Also, somehow I always believe 'not good' people won't stay with me. I am sure, with my luck. I get good people.
What a day!! And here I tot the Osho card was weird. Me crying in Resolution card and I cried loads today
Ice-olation
The tears and only the tears, have the power to melt the ice. Its okay to cry, and there is no reason to feel ashamed of ur tears. Crying helps us to let go of pain, allows us to be gentle with ourselves and finally helps us to heal.
Soul
Amen.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Joy is knowing I am fine as I am...no more is needed
Feb 15 Aft
Father, an eventful day. I am glad E called me and I am now ready to take my role. I realised J also sees me as his second in command.
Today I briefed both B and A on their roles. I think I did a good one. Father, managing and directing comes naturally to me. Anyway, I have resigned myself to the fact that my role in current company is over and is to plan for succession planning.
I have written to my current boss and new boss will get it done.
Soul without shame.
One fundamental quality in human nature that cannot exist around the judge is joy. U can recognise this by noticing how naturally joy arises in children - and how unusual it is in adults. It is the quintessential quality of a happy childhood. Joy is at the heart of play, freedom, lightness, spontaneity and fun.
Lighthearted, radiant happiness can only manifest itself in an internal environment free of restraint. To be joyful means to let ur heart go, let it blossom and radiate. U r so full of pleasure at what u feel and what u r experiencing that u r overflowing and glowing, dancing and singing.
If joy is allowed, it completely undoes the mind; it bursts forth with such radiant sweetness and energy that no reason can explain it and no rules can contain it.
The true source of joy is the heart's knowing and being itself without restraint.
Soul
That's me. I am dancing and singing and laughing.
Soul without shame
Without the presence of joy, u will not be moving from ur heart in a creative and spontaneous way, so u will never be in touch with what ur heart truly wants, what it is u truly love in ur life.
In the state of joy, suffering and misery are not denied but are seen as passing manifestations of the surface layers of reality. Ironically, many people believe that pain and unhappiness characterize the deepest realm of the human soul, yet joy brings such a buoyant gladness into the heart precisely because it springs from the depths of true nature - touching that place where Being is unbounded, undivided and inseparable from love.
The more u cultivate curiosity - ur desire to know ur own experience simply for the sake of discovering the truth regardless of the consequences - the more u can challenge the judge's efforts to limit and direct ur exploration.
If u r truly curious, u will not accept statements but will want to find out for urself, to question ur assumptions and past beliefs about reality. U will want to know now, in the moment, what is actually true. As u discover the freshness of ur present unfolding experience, u experience joy at knowing ur own heart and mind. The more u uncover and let go of investment in childhood experiences of urself, the more u remove the restraints from who u r now and who u might become.
Soul
Yea, I am not sure I be in new company if not for the sense of curiosity.
Soul without shame
As each limitation of ur mind is relaxed, a bubble of joy is released. As ur internal boundary cracks open, a light, sweet delight escapes. Each taste awakens the heart further to its own love of being whole and true and real.
As more constrictions are loosened, the heart's joy deepens, boundaries dissolve and the bubbling of newly discovered freedom gives way to the rich, soft quiet of an awakened soul. Beaming in the blissful rapture of a ripening joy, the heart rests in the truth.
Soul
I am experiencing.
Father, an eventful day. I am glad E called me and I am now ready to take my role. I realised J also sees me as his second in command.
Today I briefed both B and A on their roles. I think I did a good one. Father, managing and directing comes naturally to me. Anyway, I have resigned myself to the fact that my role in current company is over and is to plan for succession planning.
I have written to my current boss and new boss will get it done.
Soul without shame.
One fundamental quality in human nature that cannot exist around the judge is joy. U can recognise this by noticing how naturally joy arises in children - and how unusual it is in adults. It is the quintessential quality of a happy childhood. Joy is at the heart of play, freedom, lightness, spontaneity and fun.
Lighthearted, radiant happiness can only manifest itself in an internal environment free of restraint. To be joyful means to let ur heart go, let it blossom and radiate. U r so full of pleasure at what u feel and what u r experiencing that u r overflowing and glowing, dancing and singing.
If joy is allowed, it completely undoes the mind; it bursts forth with such radiant sweetness and energy that no reason can explain it and no rules can contain it.
The true source of joy is the heart's knowing and being itself without restraint.
Soul
That's me. I am dancing and singing and laughing.
Soul without shame
Without the presence of joy, u will not be moving from ur heart in a creative and spontaneous way, so u will never be in touch with what ur heart truly wants, what it is u truly love in ur life.
In the state of joy, suffering and misery are not denied but are seen as passing manifestations of the surface layers of reality. Ironically, many people believe that pain and unhappiness characterize the deepest realm of the human soul, yet joy brings such a buoyant gladness into the heart precisely because it springs from the depths of true nature - touching that place where Being is unbounded, undivided and inseparable from love.
The more u cultivate curiosity - ur desire to know ur own experience simply for the sake of discovering the truth regardless of the consequences - the more u can challenge the judge's efforts to limit and direct ur exploration.
If u r truly curious, u will not accept statements but will want to find out for urself, to question ur assumptions and past beliefs about reality. U will want to know now, in the moment, what is actually true. As u discover the freshness of ur present unfolding experience, u experience joy at knowing ur own heart and mind. The more u uncover and let go of investment in childhood experiences of urself, the more u remove the restraints from who u r now and who u might become.
Soul
Yea, I am not sure I be in new company if not for the sense of curiosity.
Soul without shame
As each limitation of ur mind is relaxed, a bubble of joy is released. As ur internal boundary cracks open, a light, sweet delight escapes. Each taste awakens the heart further to its own love of being whole and true and real.
As more constrictions are loosened, the heart's joy deepens, boundaries dissolve and the bubbling of newly discovered freedom gives way to the rich, soft quiet of an awakened soul. Beaming in the blissful rapture of a ripening joy, the heart rests in the truth.
Soul
I am experiencing.
Comfort zone does not lead to growth
Feb 15
Father, today practice was fair. Woke up by alarm and still feeling tired.
I had a good chat with Z and I am glad I no longer let auto-rejection mode to come into pix. He was busy and he is aware he didn't return call twice and so must take call even if he is very tired and hungry. We spoke about one hour and I noticed he didn't want to end our call. He told me his case is going good and the charges put up by his ex has nothing to do with children access. I am happy for him.
On my Osho's card;
1. Issue
Laziness
The gentleman clearly thinks he got it made. He doesn't have the energy to get up and do anything because he thinks he's done it already. He hasn't yet turned to see the mirror cracking around him on his right, a sure sign that the place he thinks he's finally arrived at is about to shatter and dissolve before his very eyes.
The message this card brings is that this poolside resort is not ur final destination. The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show.
Ur complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now it's time to move on.
Soul
Yea, I had lunch with J and she said to move on, do a transfer. She said I should not waste the opportunity.
Then in the afternoon M told us that our major client has put us on 6 month notice for bad delivery. Looks like everything is telling me to go.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Ripeness
Only if ur meditation has brought u a light that shines in every night will even death not be death to u but a door to the divine.
When a fruit is ripe, it drops from the tree by itself. One moment it hangs, next moment it falls - not because it has been forced to fall or has made the effort to jump, but because the tree has recognise its ripeness and simply let it go.
Soul
Yea.
3. External influence
Success
Enjoy the peak when it lasts and the enjoy the valley when it comes.
The greatest wisdom to keep in mind with all the phenomena in the parade of ur life, whether they be valleys or peaks, is that "this too will pass"
Soul
I am not sure if this is success or going down. I can only think of the price to pay, what I lost. I can't see what I gain yet. What I see is major work going on. I just had idea of how to keep to 4 days. Morning in current company and afternoon in new company. Then they can have me both.
5. What is needed
The miser
The moment u become miserly, u r closed to the basic phenomenon of life; expansion, sharing. The moment u start clinging to things u have missed the target. Because things are not the target, u, ur innermost being is the target
Loosen ur grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring.
5. The understanding
Ice-olation
We r miserable because we r too much in the self. To be in self, means to draw a boundary line around u. To be in the self, means to make a distinction between 'this I am' and that I am not'. This self isolates. It makes u frozen and u r no longer flowing.
If u r flowing, the self cannot exist.
Soul
Yea, take on both, do together and the route is great.
Father, today practice was fair. Woke up by alarm and still feeling tired.
I had a good chat with Z and I am glad I no longer let auto-rejection mode to come into pix. He was busy and he is aware he didn't return call twice and so must take call even if he is very tired and hungry. We spoke about one hour and I noticed he didn't want to end our call. He told me his case is going good and the charges put up by his ex has nothing to do with children access. I am happy for him.
On my Osho's card;
1. Issue
Laziness
The gentleman clearly thinks he got it made. He doesn't have the energy to get up and do anything because he thinks he's done it already. He hasn't yet turned to see the mirror cracking around him on his right, a sure sign that the place he thinks he's finally arrived at is about to shatter and dissolve before his very eyes.
The message this card brings is that this poolside resort is not ur final destination. The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show.
Ur complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now it's time to move on.
Soul
Yea, I had lunch with J and she said to move on, do a transfer. She said I should not waste the opportunity.
Then in the afternoon M told us that our major client has put us on 6 month notice for bad delivery. Looks like everything is telling me to go.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Ripeness
Only if ur meditation has brought u a light that shines in every night will even death not be death to u but a door to the divine.
When a fruit is ripe, it drops from the tree by itself. One moment it hangs, next moment it falls - not because it has been forced to fall or has made the effort to jump, but because the tree has recognise its ripeness and simply let it go.
Soul
Yea.
3. External influence
Success
Enjoy the peak when it lasts and the enjoy the valley when it comes.
The greatest wisdom to keep in mind with all the phenomena in the parade of ur life, whether they be valleys or peaks, is that "this too will pass"
Soul
I am not sure if this is success or going down. I can only think of the price to pay, what I lost. I can't see what I gain yet. What I see is major work going on. I just had idea of how to keep to 4 days. Morning in current company and afternoon in new company. Then they can have me both.
5. What is needed
The miser
The moment u become miserly, u r closed to the basic phenomenon of life; expansion, sharing. The moment u start clinging to things u have missed the target. Because things are not the target, u, ur innermost being is the target
Loosen ur grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring.
5. The understanding
Ice-olation
We r miserable because we r too much in the self. To be in self, means to draw a boundary line around u. To be in the self, means to make a distinction between 'this I am' and that I am not'. This self isolates. It makes u frozen and u r no longer flowing.
If u r flowing, the self cannot exist.
Soul
Yea, take on both, do together and the route is great.
Emotions are not bad...
Feb 14
Father, I did my asanas. It was fine. Shakti and Shambavi is ok too. These days I take it easy on myself. If I feel like resting, I would rest.
On Z, I am surprised but I am fine. I have called and msg him twice but he didn't respond. I think he wants to get his money sorted out first. "Face" is important to him. Looking at his card after 1 April, there is Queen of Clubs in Saturn and that is his wife. One always displays extreme in Ruling cards.
For me after 18 Mar is Five of Spades, change of life style, job location, which is true.
Soul without shame
If ur parents deplored hatred or greed or if they had difficulty tolerating ur explosive energy when u were angry or ur tears when u were sad, u learned that these feelings were bad. This inevitable led to avoiding, hiding or denying these feelings when they arose in u or learning to condemn urself for having them.
Soul
Yea, negative feeling is taboo. My father don't like us being angry or quarrel and mom doesn't like us crying or sad. No wonder, I become a thinker. Anyway, I can now feel.
Soul without shame
Ur contact with ur soul nature is diminished much more by blocking the experience of ur tots and feelings than it is by blocking their expression, because u learn to distrust the spontaneous movement of ur own responses to life.
Another aspect of growing up is learning to experience the value of ur experience whether or not anyone else sees it, responds to it, or approves of it. Expression is important because the child needs to communicate, be heard and be understood. Feelings not acknowledged by others will not be perceived or integrated.
Soul
True. I am now more able to express anger and sadness. I can also feel being overwhelmed.
(Mar 23 - now I know why I feel resentment. My expression of my need to get out from Isha was left unheard. I also ignored my own feeling as I sought approval from friends and teacher. Well, the Universe has helped by sending such a bad leader as a teacher. It broke the camel back. I finally stood up and said enough is enough. No more. I also don't care that I will lose my standing as Isha leader and friends.)
Father, I did my asanas. It was fine. Shakti and Shambavi is ok too. These days I take it easy on myself. If I feel like resting, I would rest.
On Z, I am surprised but I am fine. I have called and msg him twice but he didn't respond. I think he wants to get his money sorted out first. "Face" is important to him. Looking at his card after 1 April, there is Queen of Clubs in Saturn and that is his wife. One always displays extreme in Ruling cards.
For me after 18 Mar is Five of Spades, change of life style, job location, which is true.
Soul without shame
If ur parents deplored hatred or greed or if they had difficulty tolerating ur explosive energy when u were angry or ur tears when u were sad, u learned that these feelings were bad. This inevitable led to avoiding, hiding or denying these feelings when they arose in u or learning to condemn urself for having them.
Soul
Yea, negative feeling is taboo. My father don't like us being angry or quarrel and mom doesn't like us crying or sad. No wonder, I become a thinker. Anyway, I can now feel.
Soul without shame
Ur contact with ur soul nature is diminished much more by blocking the experience of ur tots and feelings than it is by blocking their expression, because u learn to distrust the spontaneous movement of ur own responses to life.
Another aspect of growing up is learning to experience the value of ur experience whether or not anyone else sees it, responds to it, or approves of it. Expression is important because the child needs to communicate, be heard and be understood. Feelings not acknowledged by others will not be perceived or integrated.
Soul
True. I am now more able to express anger and sadness. I can also feel being overwhelmed.
(Mar 23 - now I know why I feel resentment. My expression of my need to get out from Isha was left unheard. I also ignored my own feeling as I sought approval from friends and teacher. Well, the Universe has helped by sending such a bad leader as a teacher. It broke the camel back. I finally stood up and said enough is enough. No more. I also don't care that I will lose my standing as Isha leader and friends.)
Emotional control may be good for social world but not good for inner world (2)
Feb 13 Eve
Father, I sent a few critical emails on Isha matters. I was criticised by teacher and was even asked to do something. I refused and I said I rest my case.
On my way back, I suddenly burst into tears. I guess it was the pressure building up in me.
Today lunch with M and she said I am just worried I can't have both, the material and the spiritual. Exactly. I am afraid when I met Sadhguru, I lost my materials side. And I am also afraid if I go into my new job, I lost my spiritual side. Like M said I can have both.
Three of Diamond in Environment
U could take on more than one job at a time successfully. Any types of work that allow u to express ur creativity will be successful. Diversify and u will gain in many ways.
Soul
I should take heart and know I can have it all. M even said my new role in COO.
(Mar 23 - my designation is Commercial Director)
Father, I sent a few critical emails on Isha matters. I was criticised by teacher and was even asked to do something. I refused and I said I rest my case.
On my way back, I suddenly burst into tears. I guess it was the pressure building up in me.
Today lunch with M and she said I am just worried I can't have both, the material and the spiritual. Exactly. I am afraid when I met Sadhguru, I lost my materials side. And I am also afraid if I go into my new job, I lost my spiritual side. Like M said I can have both.
Three of Diamond in Environment
U could take on more than one job at a time successfully. Any types of work that allow u to express ur creativity will be successful. Diversify and u will gain in many ways.
Soul
I should take heart and know I can have it all. M even said my new role in COO.
(Mar 23 - my designation is Commercial Director)
Emotional control may be good for social world, but not good for my inner world
Feb 13
Father, woke up feeling bit tired and my left shoulder has bit of pain. I was not sure if I could do suria and tot of just doing asanas. Then I said let body decides. When it start, it went into suria and there were no pain. Infact suria was quite effortless and I was even laughing. Shakti and shambavi was fine, not many tots.
Six of Diamonds
There will be some sorts of settling of accounts. Though this card usually takes the form of financial debt, it can also manifest in payments of other forms of "value"
This card indicated a lack of change in money, health or business even when it is desired.
Soul
No wonder, M is leaving and C has too much on her plate to do sathsang. Being sathsang guide is easy for me. So, I offer to do it. Like P said, the friendship is strong.
Earlier I wanted to release my role in Isha but looks like I am back to square one. Now with M leaving, I need to take a lead role.
Father, what I learned is that resistance leads to suffering. Just go with the flow. The Universe knows what is best for me. Last year my spiritual program was Z and this year would be Isha.
(Mar 23 - There were quite a few unexpected drama with teacher. We solved one after another, but no more. It ended, teacher was the tool that enable me to say "No" outwardly, to coincide with my "No" inwardly. Coincidentally Nine of Heart in Uranus period)
Soul without shame
As u have recognised, ur judge arose in the environment of ur family, particularly ur mother and ur father, or whoever else may have been around if neither of them is present.
U could not help but take their actions and words as representative of how life is, so u internalised their statements and attitudes as part of ur inner environment, most notably as the judge. Because of this process of internalisation, u still live out of ur parental environment and it is difficult to separate ur sense of urself from ur parents and their desires and expectations of u and of themselves.
Soul
From my dad - don't quarrel. dont raise voice.
From my mom - do good and always be in control of ur emotion
From my brother - always be smart.
From my family - food and siblings
Father, woke up feeling bit tired and my left shoulder has bit of pain. I was not sure if I could do suria and tot of just doing asanas. Then I said let body decides. When it start, it went into suria and there were no pain. Infact suria was quite effortless and I was even laughing. Shakti and shambavi was fine, not many tots.
Six of Diamonds
There will be some sorts of settling of accounts. Though this card usually takes the form of financial debt, it can also manifest in payments of other forms of "value"
This card indicated a lack of change in money, health or business even when it is desired.
Soul
No wonder, M is leaving and C has too much on her plate to do sathsang. Being sathsang guide is easy for me. So, I offer to do it. Like P said, the friendship is strong.
Earlier I wanted to release my role in Isha but looks like I am back to square one. Now with M leaving, I need to take a lead role.
Father, what I learned is that resistance leads to suffering. Just go with the flow. The Universe knows what is best for me. Last year my spiritual program was Z and this year would be Isha.
(Mar 23 - There were quite a few unexpected drama with teacher. We solved one after another, but no more. It ended, teacher was the tool that enable me to say "No" outwardly, to coincide with my "No" inwardly. Coincidentally Nine of Heart in Uranus period)
Soul without shame
As u have recognised, ur judge arose in the environment of ur family, particularly ur mother and ur father, or whoever else may have been around if neither of them is present.
U could not help but take their actions and words as representative of how life is, so u internalised their statements and attitudes as part of ur inner environment, most notably as the judge. Because of this process of internalisation, u still live out of ur parental environment and it is difficult to separate ur sense of urself from ur parents and their desires and expectations of u and of themselves.
Soul
From my dad - don't quarrel. dont raise voice.
From my mom - do good and always be in control of ur emotion
From my brother - always be smart.
From my family - food and siblings
Not entangled = Not attached = Nothing to lose
Feb 12
Father, what an amazing sathsang.
There were 6 sharing session. When I shared about us giving a ray of hope to people, saving people, that it was a noble gesture, one of the IEO member cried.
It was the special long meditation, that normally doesn't have much impact and most people wants it to end. A few was ecstatic and many were smiling with happiness. When the meditation ended, I was so overwhelmed with joy that so many people got it, that I cried. I felt at ease. Today, I take it as my sathsang, my meeting with my own Truth. I felt at ease after the sathsang. For a moment, I know what teacher felt, to be able to facilitate that experience, just like I experienced during Isha kriya guidance session.
Sadhguru
When u r not identified, u don't have vested interest, so u can give urself totally. Not identified means, nothing to be lost and nothing to be gained. U can throw urself into it.
But whereas when u r identified, each time ur involvement questions and threatens who u r and who u r.
So, every situation - if it is not going the way u think it should be going - ur very identity is threatened; it becomes a very insecure and fearful situation for u. So, ur whole sense of involvement will come down. U become subdued, less involved with life.
Soul
That's similar to my insight of when u know there is nothing to lose, u can go all the way out. Just like I know there is nothing to lose with Z, I can declared my love for him.
I know he must be feeling bad about his ex and worried how I see him. Frankly, he was set up and provoked and I don't believe he was an abusive person. He is gentle with me, always giving me freedom to back off, always considering my needs first.
Father, what an amazing sathsang.
There were 6 sharing session. When I shared about us giving a ray of hope to people, saving people, that it was a noble gesture, one of the IEO member cried.
It was the special long meditation, that normally doesn't have much impact and most people wants it to end. A few was ecstatic and many were smiling with happiness. When the meditation ended, I was so overwhelmed with joy that so many people got it, that I cried. I felt at ease. Today, I take it as my sathsang, my meeting with my own Truth. I felt at ease after the sathsang. For a moment, I know what teacher felt, to be able to facilitate that experience, just like I experienced during Isha kriya guidance session.
Sadhguru
When u r not identified, u don't have vested interest, so u can give urself totally. Not identified means, nothing to be lost and nothing to be gained. U can throw urself into it.
But whereas when u r identified, each time ur involvement questions and threatens who u r and who u r.
So, every situation - if it is not going the way u think it should be going - ur very identity is threatened; it becomes a very insecure and fearful situation for u. So, ur whole sense of involvement will come down. U become subdued, less involved with life.
Soul
That's similar to my insight of when u know there is nothing to lose, u can go all the way out. Just like I know there is nothing to lose with Z, I can declared my love for him.
I know he must be feeling bad about his ex and worried how I see him. Frankly, he was set up and provoked and I don't believe he was an abusive person. He is gentle with me, always giving me freedom to back off, always considering my needs first.
There is no mistakes the people you meet
Feb 11
Father, alarm rang at 7 am but I felt it was like 6 am. Partly because of the good blinds that shades off most lights and because I was feeling tired.
I went for a swim. There were loads of people and I even encountered splashes and hits by them. But I still swim on.
I got my upgraded meditation chair and I am happy.
On the mail by teacher. I was not affected by it. Others felt it was a put down by teacher on me. Again I was more affected by my loss of emotional control and caused others to be involved. But anyway, I replied but I reiterated my stand on N. He needs to know how people sees him.
On Z, I read his ex response. As expected, matters of adultery was thrown out as it was not mentioned during divorce. She even had the picture of her being slapped. It was very well-planned.
I hope Z will take this lesson well. All the while, he took non-confrontation approach and now he is taking the back lash. His ex-wife is his Cosmic Reward card in both Lifetime and Spiritual.
Lifetime
His ex challenges him and somehow points the way to his own destiny and fulfillment. It can feel like a true blessing, once the challenges associated with it are met and dealt with.
Spiritual
His ex represents part of his "soul development' and he could be greatly challenged by his ex presence.
Pluto
She challenges him to be more than who he is and to grow into new areas. There can be battle of the will or it can be challenging in many ways. Z has chosen her to help him to transform himself and to grow and develop himself in new ways as he let go of the past.
Wow, looks like loads.
Father, alarm rang at 7 am but I felt it was like 6 am. Partly because of the good blinds that shades off most lights and because I was feeling tired.
I went for a swim. There were loads of people and I even encountered splashes and hits by them. But I still swim on.
I got my upgraded meditation chair and I am happy.
On the mail by teacher. I was not affected by it. Others felt it was a put down by teacher on me. Again I was more affected by my loss of emotional control and caused others to be involved. But anyway, I replied but I reiterated my stand on N. He needs to know how people sees him.
On Z, I read his ex response. As expected, matters of adultery was thrown out as it was not mentioned during divorce. She even had the picture of her being slapped. It was very well-planned.
I hope Z will take this lesson well. All the while, he took non-confrontation approach and now he is taking the back lash. His ex-wife is his Cosmic Reward card in both Lifetime and Spiritual.
Lifetime
His ex challenges him and somehow points the way to his own destiny and fulfillment. It can feel like a true blessing, once the challenges associated with it are met and dealt with.
Spiritual
His ex represents part of his "soul development' and he could be greatly challenged by his ex presence.
Pluto
She challenges him to be more than who he is and to grow into new areas. There can be battle of the will or it can be challenging in many ways. Z has chosen her to help him to transform himself and to grow and develop himself in new ways as he let go of the past.
Wow, looks like loads.
Life is not meant to be controlled (2)
Feb 10 Eve
Father, the portfolio at new company is exciting. They now have 100 persons and can grow more. There is no limit to their growth. I can see that when I consciously remove my resistance. It was just another phase of growth.
I have started listening to Brahma Nanda. This will smoothen the process.
Z and I had good time. Coincidentally both of us early, we reach about 5.30 pm. So gives us more time to enjoy each other company. I told Z that I was aroused whenever I touch him and at times even when we were on the phone. He said that's means I like him a lot. He said to control my feelings for him. Then I retorted for him to set a date. He replied today and then laugh it off. We both knew we want to stay on.
For the first time I interpret that he truly cares for me. He doesn't want to commit to me but he is afraid I be hurt and hence he was actually caring for me. Amen.
I don't know what will happen. But I know I will be fine.
Father, the portfolio at new company is exciting. They now have 100 persons and can grow more. There is no limit to their growth. I can see that when I consciously remove my resistance. It was just another phase of growth.
I have started listening to Brahma Nanda. This will smoothen the process.
Z and I had good time. Coincidentally both of us early, we reach about 5.30 pm. So gives us more time to enjoy each other company. I told Z that I was aroused whenever I touch him and at times even when we were on the phone. He said that's means I like him a lot. He said to control my feelings for him. Then I retorted for him to set a date. He replied today and then laugh it off. We both knew we want to stay on.
For the first time I interpret that he truly cares for me. He doesn't want to commit to me but he is afraid I be hurt and hence he was actually caring for me. Amen.
I don't know what will happen. But I know I will be fine.
Life is not meant to be controlled
Feb 10
Father, what a coincidence. His meeting was cancelled and his phone was barred. I had to check my office mail and saw his mail to call him.
Father, yday I was excited but today I am not. Normally this time Z and I would be lying in bed or me having breakfast with mom. Part of me still resist having my comfortable routine break up. I am going to have chaos.
Can I handle it? Tot of SL, she would be able to do the job. Tot of going back to current company. Let's face it, I don't have much things to do there.
(Mar 23 - SL didnt want to join. I am still looking around)
The thing is what E wants me to do, I can do lah. Its just the break of my comfort zone. Like what MF said I am too young to retire.
The thing is neither do I want to do Isha.
Father, guide me.
Father, I may not like it now but I know this is part of my growth. That's why I am not running away. Everything seems to flow to cut me away from current comfort zone. So, there must be a reason.
What is needed for resolution?
Control
Controlled persons are always nervous because deep down turmoil is still hidden. If u r uncontrolled, flowing, alive, then u r not nervous. There is no question of being nervous - whatsoever happens, happens. U have no expectations for the future, u r not performing. Then why should u be nervous.
There is a time and place for control, but if we put it in charge of our lives, we end up totally rigid.
The image of the King of Clouds reminds us to take a deep breath, loosen our neckties and take it easy. If mistakes happen, its okay. If things get a little out of hand, it's probably just what the doctor ordered. There is much, much more to life than being "on top of things".
Soul
Yea. To let go of the past even if it is so comfortable.
Resolution
Change
It has often been said that the only unchanging thing in the world is change itself. Life is continuously changing, evolving, dying and being reborn. All opposites play a part in this vast circular pattern. If u cling to the edge of the wheel, u can get dizzy! Move toward the center of the cyclone and relax, knowing that this too will pass.
Soul
Amen.
Father, what a coincidence. His meeting was cancelled and his phone was barred. I had to check my office mail and saw his mail to call him.
Father, yday I was excited but today I am not. Normally this time Z and I would be lying in bed or me having breakfast with mom. Part of me still resist having my comfortable routine break up. I am going to have chaos.
Can I handle it? Tot of SL, she would be able to do the job. Tot of going back to current company. Let's face it, I don't have much things to do there.
(Mar 23 - SL didnt want to join. I am still looking around)
The thing is what E wants me to do, I can do lah. Its just the break of my comfort zone. Like what MF said I am too young to retire.
The thing is neither do I want to do Isha.
Father, guide me.
Father, I may not like it now but I know this is part of my growth. That's why I am not running away. Everything seems to flow to cut me away from current comfort zone. So, there must be a reason.
What is needed for resolution?
Control
Controlled persons are always nervous because deep down turmoil is still hidden. If u r uncontrolled, flowing, alive, then u r not nervous. There is no question of being nervous - whatsoever happens, happens. U have no expectations for the future, u r not performing. Then why should u be nervous.
There is a time and place for control, but if we put it in charge of our lives, we end up totally rigid.
The image of the King of Clouds reminds us to take a deep breath, loosen our neckties and take it easy. If mistakes happen, its okay. If things get a little out of hand, it's probably just what the doctor ordered. There is much, much more to life than being "on top of things".
Soul
Yea. To let go of the past even if it is so comfortable.
Resolution
Change
It has often been said that the only unchanging thing in the world is change itself. Life is continuously changing, evolving, dying and being reborn. All opposites play a part in this vast circular pattern. If u cling to the edge of the wheel, u can get dizzy! Move toward the center of the cyclone and relax, knowing that this too will pass.
Soul
Amen.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
My destiny is to write
Feb 7
A handbook for Krisna Consciousness.
The first duty of a person in the renounced order of life is to contribute some literary work for the benefit of the human being in order to give him realised direction toward self-realisation.
Soul
Thats what I am doing.
Evening
I called Z but he is sleeping. He must be more tired than me. I slept the whole day today. I was sourcing for our new meet-up place. This time I initiated it. Normally, it was him that initiate and I execute. Now it is me. A good improvement.
Tot of M's reaction to A. An obvious case of u reject me and now I deflate u. I wonder about A's card cos he has 2 Queen of Diamonds with him.
A handbook for Krisna Consciousness.
The first duty of a person in the renounced order of life is to contribute some literary work for the benefit of the human being in order to give him realised direction toward self-realisation.
Soul
Thats what I am doing.
Evening
I called Z but he is sleeping. He must be more tired than me. I slept the whole day today. I was sourcing for our new meet-up place. This time I initiated it. Normally, it was him that initiate and I execute. Now it is me. A good improvement.
Tot of M's reaction to A. An obvious case of u reject me and now I deflate u. I wonder about A's card cos he has 2 Queen of Diamonds with him.
Sharing my website
Feb 6
Father, what I knew is that I was avoiding my Self. Sadhguru's energy represents the best that I could be. But I was afraid of losing myself.
Today I woke up, feeling tired and not sure if I want to do practices. Then I decided I can't let my fear drive my life. I want my Self. I want to be healed. With that I pull myself together and start with. I was laughing throught Suria and my body likes it. So, looks like it was the mind.
I also shared with S my website. When A asked how I was. I shared about my apprehension on Sadhguru. Now that I identified the source of my fear, I am better.
Also, Sadhguru's msg yesterday was so timely. He said I just need to have total involvement with my own life. Isha is a tool and not an organisation or movement. I need not changed my living environment.
Father, what I knew is that I was avoiding my Self. Sadhguru's energy represents the best that I could be. But I was afraid of losing myself.
Today I woke up, feeling tired and not sure if I want to do practices. Then I decided I can't let my fear drive my life. I want my Self. I want to be healed. With that I pull myself together and start with. I was laughing throught Suria and my body likes it. So, looks like it was the mind.
I also shared with S my website. When A asked how I was. I shared about my apprehension on Sadhguru. Now that I identified the source of my fear, I am better.
Also, Sadhguru's msg yesterday was so timely. He said I just need to have total involvement with my own life. Isha is a tool and not an organisation or movement. I need not changed my living environment.
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