Sept 26 Aft
Father, just did shoonya and did Osho tarot. I wasn't too sure of samyama. I still think original idea of hata is good.
Yea, I didn't do hata today. Mind was thinking. But ok lah. I just need to stay focus.
On my plan for website + promoters for self-development tool is good. It is just like the travel agent website. They gather all and provide a discount. I too can gather all. Just like the website that gathers all the financial markets.
Just now Sl called and again the tone of judging tone of a parent. I can see her. I see her strength for organisation and detailed but I also can see her weakness for uncertainty.
Osho
1. The Issue
Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful. Then it is simple, too. U don't depend on others and u don't make others dependent on u.
U relate; as long as things are moving beautifully, u share. And if u see that the moment has come to depart because ur paths separate at this crossroad, u say goodby with great gratitude for all that the other has been to u. With no misery, no pain, u separate.
Soul
Yea, guess that's my suppressed issue. My erotic dream tells all. Part of me still hopeful of Z, hoping he changes his mind. But today reading Osho on conversion of sexual energy into money energy, I knew it to be hopeless. Guess I am hopeful cos I don't want to be alone.
Perhaps samyama also an escape.
2. Internal influence
Playfulness
The moment u start seeing life as non-serious, a playfulness, all the burden on ur heart disappears. All the fear of death, of life, of love - everything disappears.
One start living, with a very light weight or almost no weight. So weightless one becomes, one can fly in the open sky.
When the Page of Fire enters ur life, it is a sign that u r ready for the fresh and the new. Something wonderful is just on the horizon, and u have just the right quality of playful innocence and clarity to welcome it with open arms.
Soul
Guess I need not worried about me not as diligent on hata. I used to do it out of perseverance. Now no more weight, I am no longer diligent. Perhaps, now I can do with love. Do it because I want to and not because I have to.
On Z, just change my mind on him. True, he is my soul mate and cosmic card but it is also stated that when I see the lesson, it disappear. With me and him, it is about 'drive'.
3. External influence of which u r aware.
Existence
U r not accidental. Existence needs u. Without u something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it.
Home is not a physical place in the outside world, but an inner quality of relaxation and acceptance.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Mind
Ur head goes on spinning and weaving - it keeps u occupied. This cloud has to be dropped. U r clinging to it - the cloud is not interested in u, remember it.
Soul
Yea. Guess I m worried of being a nobody. I am trying to grap to a lost Z, hoping for release in samyama.
4. Resolution
Exhaustion
A man who lives through conscience becomes hard. A man who lives through consciousness remains soft.
When u live thru conscience, ur whole life energy has been depleted in ur efforts to keep fueling the enormous and ridiculous machine of self-importance and productivity. U have forgotten to really rest. No doubt u can't allow urself to be playful. To abandon his duty for a trip to the beach could mean the whole structure might come tumbling down.
Life isn't a business to be managed, its a mystery to be lived. Its time to tear up the time-card, break out of the factory and take a little trup into the unchartered.
Soul
Chill out. Don't worry about me not waking up at 4 am for hata.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Sexual energy can be turned into energy to make money
Sept 26
Father, had an erotic dream yesterday. I had to choose between 2 guys and in the end I went for the former one. It was so pleasurable that I think I woke up. Most likely because I no longer have a partner and my body misses it.
As I was driving, I was smiling. I need not go to new company anymore.
On hata, I am still not motivated. Will see.
Osho
Sex is natural.
Sexuality means a perverted state of sex energy. It becomes poisonous.
The second poison is anger and the third is greed. The three poisons combined together, this unholy trinity, creates ur ego. If sexuality disappears, u will be surprised that anger disappears - without any effort on ur part.
Anger simply means that ur sexuality is hindered. And sexuality creates greed; greed is a form of sexuality, it is a perverted form. Money becomes ur object of love because society does not allow any other kind of love. It allows money, power; they can become ur objects of love. It helps to change ur object of love. First it changes ur sex into sexuality.
Soul
Mmm. Tot of Z. Sex was always natural to him. In the last 1 year, maybe becos of me, he want to switch off his sex and it turns into pornography. For the first time in his life, he was into porno. He then switched it to money. He keep on saying he transfer the energy from body and heart to the mind.
Osho
Man's sexuality is more repressed than woman's for the simple reason that man has to earn money, has to become famous, has to become a politician and etc. Naturally, from where is he going to get all this energy to be president? There is only one energy; u don't have many energies in u, mind u, u have only one kind. Now if u want to have more money or more power, u want to be the prime minister, then u have to take ur sexuality and channelise it.
U can divert ur sexual energy; then money, power, prestige, they become ur sexual objects. And u can talk about morality and discipline easiy; u can teach others how to control their sexuality very easily but in fact what u r doing is nothing but a perversion of sex.
When sex become perverted, love becomes hatred. Nothing is wrong with sex, but everything is wrong with sexuality. Sex should be allowed a natural flow. Yes, one day, if u live it naturally, transcendence happens, but it is spontaneous, it is not celibacy. It comes through celebration.
Soul
Exactly on Z. I wonder about myself too.
Osho
Just silently watching all the processes of the mind - tots, memories, imagination, dreams, desires - a realisation happens, a realisation that: in his mind, mind is not.
When u watch the mind clearly, silently, the mind start disappearing. More watchfulness, less mind. One percent watchfulness, nine percent mind. Nine percent watchfulness and there is no mind in the mind. All tots are gone, the mind is absolutely empty. And in that emptiness, Tao comes in, rushes in. U have created the right space for it.
Soul
Suddenly tot of doing samyama this Nov.
My mind is bit too much. Might as well straighten it now. On hata, I can do.
(Sept 30 - nope won't run off. Will face loss of Z and loss of Isha. But will consider Hata in Dec)
Father, had an erotic dream yesterday. I had to choose between 2 guys and in the end I went for the former one. It was so pleasurable that I think I woke up. Most likely because I no longer have a partner and my body misses it.
As I was driving, I was smiling. I need not go to new company anymore.
On hata, I am still not motivated. Will see.
Osho
Sex is natural.
Sexuality means a perverted state of sex energy. It becomes poisonous.
The second poison is anger and the third is greed. The three poisons combined together, this unholy trinity, creates ur ego. If sexuality disappears, u will be surprised that anger disappears - without any effort on ur part.
Anger simply means that ur sexuality is hindered. And sexuality creates greed; greed is a form of sexuality, it is a perverted form. Money becomes ur object of love because society does not allow any other kind of love. It allows money, power; they can become ur objects of love. It helps to change ur object of love. First it changes ur sex into sexuality.
Soul
Mmm. Tot of Z. Sex was always natural to him. In the last 1 year, maybe becos of me, he want to switch off his sex and it turns into pornography. For the first time in his life, he was into porno. He then switched it to money. He keep on saying he transfer the energy from body and heart to the mind.
Osho
Man's sexuality is more repressed than woman's for the simple reason that man has to earn money, has to become famous, has to become a politician and etc. Naturally, from where is he going to get all this energy to be president? There is only one energy; u don't have many energies in u, mind u, u have only one kind. Now if u want to have more money or more power, u want to be the prime minister, then u have to take ur sexuality and channelise it.
U can divert ur sexual energy; then money, power, prestige, they become ur sexual objects. And u can talk about morality and discipline easiy; u can teach others how to control their sexuality very easily but in fact what u r doing is nothing but a perversion of sex.
When sex become perverted, love becomes hatred. Nothing is wrong with sex, but everything is wrong with sexuality. Sex should be allowed a natural flow. Yes, one day, if u live it naturally, transcendence happens, but it is spontaneous, it is not celibacy. It comes through celebration.
Soul
Exactly on Z. I wonder about myself too.
Osho
Just silently watching all the processes of the mind - tots, memories, imagination, dreams, desires - a realisation happens, a realisation that: in his mind, mind is not.
When u watch the mind clearly, silently, the mind start disappearing. More watchfulness, less mind. One percent watchfulness, nine percent mind. Nine percent watchfulness and there is no mind in the mind. All tots are gone, the mind is absolutely empty. And in that emptiness, Tao comes in, rushes in. U have created the right space for it.
Soul
Suddenly tot of doing samyama this Nov.
My mind is bit too much. Might as well straighten it now. On hata, I can do.
(Sept 30 - nope won't run off. Will face loss of Z and loss of Isha. But will consider Hata in Dec)
First tot of changing my tots on the "supposed' ending with Z
Sept 25
Father, I woke up 6.15 am before alarm clock. Body was fine but mind doesn't want to do hata. So, I just lied down for awhile, mental drama going on. Then I said let's do it. No excuse not to do except pure laziness.
I woke up at 6.30 am and do it. I did the asanas. It was a strain bending down for first asanas. I persevere and I was quite fine. I was laughing in the lying down pose and I tot I really want to go back for hata. Since I am a control and with my RA, hata is a must. It is my alternative to medicine.
Father, I shared with ShaL on my plans to be a promoter of self development tools. This is the second time I shared. I can't say I received positive reply. But I continue sharing.
Sept 25 Eve
I did my samyama in the evening. Suddenly a tot occurred. Instead of thinking that Z and I are meant to be and now I failed. Why not I think we are not meant to be and I passed. Like Sadhguru said there are many ways to interpret a situation. Why cling to failure, why don't I just changed it.
Osho
One of the most basic things about the mind is that it always tells u that u may be an exception.
Soul
Yea, I tot others cannot get Z but I can cos I am an exception. I recalled in the last meet, he said I was like one of his ex who can't let go of him, who hold on. What makes me think I am exception? Pride, fear of being wrong.
Osho
U may think that the world has become insipid, then be a little patient. Something is on its way, some other interest must be on its way. Sometimes there is a small interval between two. Sometimes there is a short rest between one journey and another. One race ends and there is a short stopover before the next race begins.
Soul
Is this a msg for me! I tot I do away with the world but perhaps not cos I too not keen to go to heaven yet.
Father, I woke up 6.15 am before alarm clock. Body was fine but mind doesn't want to do hata. So, I just lied down for awhile, mental drama going on. Then I said let's do it. No excuse not to do except pure laziness.
I woke up at 6.30 am and do it. I did the asanas. It was a strain bending down for first asanas. I persevere and I was quite fine. I was laughing in the lying down pose and I tot I really want to go back for hata. Since I am a control and with my RA, hata is a must. It is my alternative to medicine.
Father, I shared with ShaL on my plans to be a promoter of self development tools. This is the second time I shared. I can't say I received positive reply. But I continue sharing.
Sept 25 Eve
I did my samyama in the evening. Suddenly a tot occurred. Instead of thinking that Z and I are meant to be and now I failed. Why not I think we are not meant to be and I passed. Like Sadhguru said there are many ways to interpret a situation. Why cling to failure, why don't I just changed it.
Osho
One of the most basic things about the mind is that it always tells u that u may be an exception.
Soul
Yea, I tot others cannot get Z but I can cos I am an exception. I recalled in the last meet, he said I was like one of his ex who can't let go of him, who hold on. What makes me think I am exception? Pride, fear of being wrong.
Osho
U may think that the world has become insipid, then be a little patient. Something is on its way, some other interest must be on its way. Sometimes there is a small interval between two. Sometimes there is a short rest between one journey and another. One race ends and there is a short stopover before the next race begins.
Soul
Is this a msg for me! I tot I do away with the world but perhaps not cos I too not keen to go to heaven yet.
A reminder on the futility over Z
Sept 24
Father, today I suddenly had tots of Z. I saw he has uploaded new profile and msg and I tot it was for me. For a moment, I forgot about us being off already.
Father, I had a short term wish is that my partner is with me.
I didn't do any practice for the past 3 days. Guess need to go back.
Father, whenever tots of Z came up. I just told myself, is ok for the tots cos I love him. But it is also ok if we r not together cos I need not have him. Let him be.
Osho
A real saint will startle u. A true saint will hit u. U will writhe with impotent anger at his presence. Many times u will be angry with him, many times u will want to run away from him. U will fear the sage. U will think a thousand times before going near him. Because going near an enlightened person means change, transformation.
Soul
True. That's why it took me 4 years before I dare to face Sadhguru.
Osho - Daya
Those who are in love with the divine. It is the intoxication which never allows u to be sober again. It is the unrestrained ecstasy which never leaves u.
Soul
Yea. I have encountered it daily. G said I laugh like a child when I am in meditation mode. And I can get in whenever I am in 'water'. I felt an uninhibited joy arising from within.
Tot of ripeness - perhaps I finally knew the futility of any future with Z. Yea, another line from Osho to remind me of the futility of any change in Z.
Osho - ripeness
Never hurry. Be patient, be trusting. When the time comes, u will be ready, u will be ripe.
One day that times comes, one day the child suddenly sees that the doll is only a doll that there is no sense talking to it. The doll has never heard anything he said. Smiling and laughing at his own foolishness, he will put the doll in a corner and move one. After that he will not even look at it again. It is the same with life.
Soul
That's exactly how I feel and behave when I saw the futility of any future with Z. That's why I call it quits and wants us to check out.
Father, thanks for the reminder.
Osho
This is ur dilemma. U have not found happiness. It cannot be found. No one has ever found it. No matter how young u r and no matter how much faith u have that the doll will answer u; it never does, it never speaks. There is no way it can.
No one has ever found happiness in this way. U haven't found it either, but ur hope has not yet died. U think it is possible to find it, u think that the doll will speak: "Let me try a little harder. Let me try to persuade it a little more, let me wait a little longer. Perhaps I didn't work hard enough; perhaps I didn't work as much as I should have done. Perhaps my race is half-hearted. Perhaps I didn't run properly, I didn't stake my life totally. Let me stake it one more time.
Soul
That's exactly how I feel for 2 years before I got ripe last time I broke off with Z.
Father, today I suddenly had tots of Z. I saw he has uploaded new profile and msg and I tot it was for me. For a moment, I forgot about us being off already.
Father, I had a short term wish is that my partner is with me.
I didn't do any practice for the past 3 days. Guess need to go back.
Father, whenever tots of Z came up. I just told myself, is ok for the tots cos I love him. But it is also ok if we r not together cos I need not have him. Let him be.
Osho
A real saint will startle u. A true saint will hit u. U will writhe with impotent anger at his presence. Many times u will be angry with him, many times u will want to run away from him. U will fear the sage. U will think a thousand times before going near him. Because going near an enlightened person means change, transformation.
Soul
True. That's why it took me 4 years before I dare to face Sadhguru.
Osho - Daya
Those who are in love with the divine. It is the intoxication which never allows u to be sober again. It is the unrestrained ecstasy which never leaves u.
Soul
Yea. I have encountered it daily. G said I laugh like a child when I am in meditation mode. And I can get in whenever I am in 'water'. I felt an uninhibited joy arising from within.
Tot of ripeness - perhaps I finally knew the futility of any future with Z. Yea, another line from Osho to remind me of the futility of any change in Z.
Osho - ripeness
Never hurry. Be patient, be trusting. When the time comes, u will be ready, u will be ripe.
One day that times comes, one day the child suddenly sees that the doll is only a doll that there is no sense talking to it. The doll has never heard anything he said. Smiling and laughing at his own foolishness, he will put the doll in a corner and move one. After that he will not even look at it again. It is the same with life.
Soul
That's exactly how I feel and behave when I saw the futility of any future with Z. That's why I call it quits and wants us to check out.
Father, thanks for the reminder.
Osho
This is ur dilemma. U have not found happiness. It cannot be found. No one has ever found it. No matter how young u r and no matter how much faith u have that the doll will answer u; it never does, it never speaks. There is no way it can.
No one has ever found happiness in this way. U haven't found it either, but ur hope has not yet died. U think it is possible to find it, u think that the doll will speak: "Let me try a little harder. Let me try to persuade it a little more, let me wait a little longer. Perhaps I didn't work hard enough; perhaps I didn't work as much as I should have done. Perhaps my race is half-hearted. Perhaps I didn't run properly, I didn't stake my life totally. Let me stake it one more time.
Soul
That's exactly how I feel for 2 years before I got ripe last time I broke off with Z.
Z has his own path to follow
Sept 23
Father, as I was swimming. I had tots of Z. He is a Jack of Diamonds, a salesman card. I also saw the price of BMW535 which is nearly 600k. The insecurity wells up. He is creating more debt. Looks like he hasn't work on his lesson.
It took him 2 years to freed himself from the card debts. Anyway, let's not dwell on it. If he is back, means I got to learn. If not, means my money issue is over. I am now not overly felt the need to take up any lesson.
I love him but let's not forget what I see. I can understand him getting a loan of 500k for his business but not a loan of 500k for the car. That's increasing his commitment by 1 million. Guess that's like W who also got a BMW.
Maybe I am negative but fear comes up. And I want my 2nd part of life to be lived freely. I worked so hard to get my financial freedom, so no need to shackled with a partner with so a heavy commitment.
Anyway, let's see. Let's not look for 'trouble'.
After 2 hours, a tot came. That's his dream and not mine. He too would think my dream is scary. Just like I would think he stunt my dream, the same thing he also tot of. That's why he said I don't want him to grow, which translated to I don't love him.
Father, as I was swimming. I had tots of Z. He is a Jack of Diamonds, a salesman card. I also saw the price of BMW535 which is nearly 600k. The insecurity wells up. He is creating more debt. Looks like he hasn't work on his lesson.
It took him 2 years to freed himself from the card debts. Anyway, let's not dwell on it. If he is back, means I got to learn. If not, means my money issue is over. I am now not overly felt the need to take up any lesson.
I love him but let's not forget what I see. I can understand him getting a loan of 500k for his business but not a loan of 500k for the car. That's increasing his commitment by 1 million. Guess that's like W who also got a BMW.
Maybe I am negative but fear comes up. And I want my 2nd part of life to be lived freely. I worked so hard to get my financial freedom, so no need to shackled with a partner with so a heavy commitment.
Anyway, let's see. Let's not look for 'trouble'.
After 2 hours, a tot came. That's his dream and not mine. He too would think my dream is scary. Just like I would think he stunt my dream, the same thing he also tot of. That's why he said I don't want him to grow, which translated to I don't love him.
Contentment with self is more important than contentment with the world
Sept 21 Eve
Father, tot of Z. He is going off for a good holiday. Had tots to send him a good wish. But decided not to. It his own 'fight'. He has to walk his path, the same as mine.
As V said I achieved a dream of 3 days week. But I said I didn't think it was big cos I was already on 4 days week previously. When I made the decision to quit, I had computed a much smaller amount than what I should be getting, so I didn't take much risk per se. Ian even said my job is a no brainer.
Tao Teh Ching
A bow that is stretched to its fullest capacity may certainly snap.
A sword that is tempered to its very sharpest may easily broken
A house that is full of jade and gold cannot remain secure for long.
One who proudly display his wealth invites trouble.
Therefore, resign from a high position when ur mission is complete.
Soul
What a coincidence that today is my last day. I was definitely the bow that was stretched to the max. Amen.
Osho
The first step is not being content with urself. The second is being content with the world; it is all right as it is. U accept it if it is like this and u accept it if it is like that.
Father, tot of Z. He is going off for a good holiday. Had tots to send him a good wish. But decided not to. It his own 'fight'. He has to walk his path, the same as mine.
As V said I achieved a dream of 3 days week. But I said I didn't think it was big cos I was already on 4 days week previously. When I made the decision to quit, I had computed a much smaller amount than what I should be getting, so I didn't take much risk per se. Ian even said my job is a no brainer.
Tao Teh Ching
A bow that is stretched to its fullest capacity may certainly snap.
A sword that is tempered to its very sharpest may easily broken
A house that is full of jade and gold cannot remain secure for long.
One who proudly display his wealth invites trouble.
Therefore, resign from a high position when ur mission is complete.
Soul
What a coincidence that today is my last day. I was definitely the bow that was stretched to the max. Amen.
Osho
The first step is not being content with urself. The second is being content with the world; it is all right as it is. U accept it if it is like this and u accept it if it is like that.
Consciousness is a double-edged sword
Sept 21 Aft
Osho
Consciousness is a double-edged sword. If u use it rightly, u will enjoy Tao far more deeply than any bird, any tree, river or star. But if u r not conscious, u will fall from Tao; u will be miserable - more miserable than any bird, than any tree, than any river, than any star.
Man is conscious hence he will be very miserable or he will be very consciously blissful. Either he will become an idiot or he will become a Buddha. And u have to choose between the two, u cannot simply remain in between. Either u have to fall below nature or u have to rise above nature. The birds are really in a beautiful space. U can also be in the same space - and in a far better way, in a far deeper way.
Surrendering to nature, means surrendering to Tao.
Soul
Today my last day. No acknowledgement from anyone. The old me be hurt. The new me just savouring the ending. Also, client is buying me a good steak dinner.
Five of Clubs
It may be a signal for a change in ur life. Be open to new plans, new ideas, new places to go.
Soul
Yea, freedom.
Osho
Consciousness is a double-edged sword. If u use it rightly, u will enjoy Tao far more deeply than any bird, any tree, river or star. But if u r not conscious, u will fall from Tao; u will be miserable - more miserable than any bird, than any tree, than any river, than any star.
Man is conscious hence he will be very miserable or he will be very consciously blissful. Either he will become an idiot or he will become a Buddha. And u have to choose between the two, u cannot simply remain in between. Either u have to fall below nature or u have to rise above nature. The birds are really in a beautiful space. U can also be in the same space - and in a far better way, in a far deeper way.
Surrendering to nature, means surrendering to Tao.
Soul
Today my last day. No acknowledgement from anyone. The old me be hurt. The new me just savouring the ending. Also, client is buying me a good steak dinner.
Five of Clubs
It may be a signal for a change in ur life. Be open to new plans, new ideas, new places to go.
Soul
Yea, freedom.
Thinking of Z
Sept 21
Father, I felt good. Had tots of Z today and I wanted to wish him safe trip. He deserved a good holiday after working so hard for past 2 years. But I hold back, we will see each other next time. For now, he pursues his dream and me pursuing mine. I am glad we were together previously. I have come home to myself.
Just check the Osho rship card to see if I am on right track.
1. Me - Receptivity
When u listen attentively to somebody, u forget urself. If u cannot forget urself, u never listen. U simply pretend to listen, u don't listen.
Soul
Yea, I couldn't listen and now I finally did and hence end it. Knowing he is pursuing his dreams and it doesn't include me. So, its time I let him to pursue his and for me to pursue my dream. Once I let him do his, I can do mine and it involves letting him go. This break up is very good, many times better than I expected.
The Queen of Water brings a time of un-boundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectations or demands. Neither duty or tot of merit or reward are important. Sensitivity, intuition and compassion are the qualities that shine forth now, dissolving all the obstacles that keep us separate from each other and from the whole.
2. Him - Fighting.
Our external world, one moment it was there, another moment is gone. And for this simple movement, how much fuss we make!
How much violence, ambition, struggle, conflict, anger, hatred for this small moment!
Just like waiting for the train in a waiting room on a station, and creating so much fuss: fighting, hurting each other, trying to possess, trying to boss, trying to dominate - all that politics. And then the train comes and u r gone forever.
A smouldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. Infact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor, we are preventing from being healed. By lashing out at others, we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.
It is time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to u if u just let it in. Start by forgiving urself; u r worth it.
Soul
Exactly what I told him, it is not he is unlovable but he makes it difficult to love him.
Osho said it means he 'hate" himself and doesn't believe his lovable, so don't get involve. He focus his energy on the external world,
He is a worldly man, chasing his dream.
3. The Composite Energy - Innocence
This is a time of letting go, relaxation and sweetness. Innocence that comes from a deep experience of life is childlike but not childish. Innocence of life lived fully has a quality of wisdom and acceptance of the ever changing of life.
Soul
Yea,I went in all the way. Accepting that we both have different dreams. And it is ok for me to let go.
4. The Insight
Ripeness
When the fruit is ripe, it drops from the tree itself. One moment it hangs by a thread from the branches of the tree, bursting with juice. The next moment it falls - not because it has been forced to fall or has made an effort to jump, but because the tree has recognised its ripeness and simply let go.
Soul
Yea, I didn't plan to drop. It just happen. I was ripe. Amen.
Me, today final day at work, tomorrow is freedom from career. For Z, tomorrow going for holiday, freedom also.
Father, I felt good. Had tots of Z today and I wanted to wish him safe trip. He deserved a good holiday after working so hard for past 2 years. But I hold back, we will see each other next time. For now, he pursues his dream and me pursuing mine. I am glad we were together previously. I have come home to myself.
Just check the Osho rship card to see if I am on right track.
1. Me - Receptivity
When u listen attentively to somebody, u forget urself. If u cannot forget urself, u never listen. U simply pretend to listen, u don't listen.
Soul
Yea, I couldn't listen and now I finally did and hence end it. Knowing he is pursuing his dreams and it doesn't include me. So, its time I let him to pursue his and for me to pursue my dream. Once I let him do his, I can do mine and it involves letting him go. This break up is very good, many times better than I expected.
The Queen of Water brings a time of un-boundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectations or demands. Neither duty or tot of merit or reward are important. Sensitivity, intuition and compassion are the qualities that shine forth now, dissolving all the obstacles that keep us separate from each other and from the whole.
2. Him - Fighting.
Our external world, one moment it was there, another moment is gone. And for this simple movement, how much fuss we make!
How much violence, ambition, struggle, conflict, anger, hatred for this small moment!
Just like waiting for the train in a waiting room on a station, and creating so much fuss: fighting, hurting each other, trying to possess, trying to boss, trying to dominate - all that politics. And then the train comes and u r gone forever.
A smouldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. Infact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor, we are preventing from being healed. By lashing out at others, we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.
It is time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to u if u just let it in. Start by forgiving urself; u r worth it.
Soul
Exactly what I told him, it is not he is unlovable but he makes it difficult to love him.
Osho said it means he 'hate" himself and doesn't believe his lovable, so don't get involve. He focus his energy on the external world,
He is a worldly man, chasing his dream.
3. The Composite Energy - Innocence
This is a time of letting go, relaxation and sweetness. Innocence that comes from a deep experience of life is childlike but not childish. Innocence of life lived fully has a quality of wisdom and acceptance of the ever changing of life.
Soul
Yea,I went in all the way. Accepting that we both have different dreams. And it is ok for me to let go.
4. The Insight
Ripeness
When the fruit is ripe, it drops from the tree itself. One moment it hangs by a thread from the branches of the tree, bursting with juice. The next moment it falls - not because it has been forced to fall or has made an effort to jump, but because the tree has recognised its ripeness and simply let go.
Soul
Yea, I didn't plan to drop. It just happen. I was ripe. Amen.
Me, today final day at work, tomorrow is freedom from career. For Z, tomorrow going for holiday, freedom also.
Breaking my culture - wearing an electric blue indian top
Sept 21
Father, woke up before alarm at 5.30 am. I slept about 6 hours. This whole week didn't do hata. Will start next week.
Today is my last day. I tried to arrange dinner again but only JV and Sl can make it.
When I was driving today, I suddenly can see the beauty of the branches (quite an ugly one).
Mmm, nearly 20 minutes, still haven't got my breakfast.
Osho
U can't drop ur ego. U understand it, see it. Then seeing it, it disappears. Once u have seen the beauty of egoless moments, then it will be easy for u to see the ugliness of the ego, the misery of the ego.
Soul
I am feeling happy for the ending. But a tot came, journey just started. Not sure what will come.
Osho
The closer u come to the master, the closer u will be to urself. The day u r dissolved in ur master, u will be dissolved in urself. The master will disappear immediately, the master is just a device, an excuse to dissolve. Suddenly u will find urself, u will discover urself.
The function of the real master is to help u to discover urself, to help u to be urself. And unless u r urself, u r not free and u cannot know what bliss is and u cannot know what truth is and u cannot know what God is.
Soul
I am glad I came to peace with Sadhguru and released the Parent in me.
Father, thank u for the Nine of Diamonds in my 2nd karma card. It helps me to release things much easier.
I have let go of my career. I have let go of my rship with Z. I have let go of leadership in Isha. I was apprehensive up till now. Today, a settlement came.
Age 42 to 48 in Ruling
Long range - Five of Diamonds (Change of values)
Important transition for u that will leave u in an entirely new place by ur next 7 year period. A fundamental change in what is most important to u will likely to cause major changes in ur job, approach to money and even rship.
U could even move to a new location during this powerful period of transition.
Since our lives are basically structured to provide us with the things we deem most important, when this inner picture of what is most important to us changes, our exterior world has no choice but to follow suit.
To get the most of this period, allow the changes to flow in ur life without trying to know exactly what lies ahead.
When u r in transition, u must change and depart from what has been, and the future is not always clear. But there are always clear skies ahead just beyond what we can see. It would be wise to expect changes and to not make big commitments until after next period.
Soul
Amen.
I am wearing an electric blue indian top with flower pattern stitches. I would have never wore this. Even I bought it in India, under duress, I still tot It would be lying in the wardrobe. Alas, I can wear it in public and to work even. Amazing breakthru!
Father, woke up before alarm at 5.30 am. I slept about 6 hours. This whole week didn't do hata. Will start next week.
Today is my last day. I tried to arrange dinner again but only JV and Sl can make it.
When I was driving today, I suddenly can see the beauty of the branches (quite an ugly one).
Mmm, nearly 20 minutes, still haven't got my breakfast.
Osho
U can't drop ur ego. U understand it, see it. Then seeing it, it disappears. Once u have seen the beauty of egoless moments, then it will be easy for u to see the ugliness of the ego, the misery of the ego.
Soul
I am feeling happy for the ending. But a tot came, journey just started. Not sure what will come.
Osho
The closer u come to the master, the closer u will be to urself. The day u r dissolved in ur master, u will be dissolved in urself. The master will disappear immediately, the master is just a device, an excuse to dissolve. Suddenly u will find urself, u will discover urself.
The function of the real master is to help u to discover urself, to help u to be urself. And unless u r urself, u r not free and u cannot know what bliss is and u cannot know what truth is and u cannot know what God is.
Soul
I am glad I came to peace with Sadhguru and released the Parent in me.
Father, thank u for the Nine of Diamonds in my 2nd karma card. It helps me to release things much easier.
I have let go of my career. I have let go of my rship with Z. I have let go of leadership in Isha. I was apprehensive up till now. Today, a settlement came.
Age 42 to 48 in Ruling
Long range - Five of Diamonds (Change of values)
Important transition for u that will leave u in an entirely new place by ur next 7 year period. A fundamental change in what is most important to u will likely to cause major changes in ur job, approach to money and even rship.
U could even move to a new location during this powerful period of transition.
Since our lives are basically structured to provide us with the things we deem most important, when this inner picture of what is most important to us changes, our exterior world has no choice but to follow suit.
To get the most of this period, allow the changes to flow in ur life without trying to know exactly what lies ahead.
When u r in transition, u must change and depart from what has been, and the future is not always clear. But there are always clear skies ahead just beyond what we can see. It would be wise to expect changes and to not make big commitments until after next period.
Soul
Amen.
I am wearing an electric blue indian top with flower pattern stitches. I would have never wore this. Even I bought it in India, under duress, I still tot It would be lying in the wardrobe. Alas, I can wear it in public and to work even. Amazing breakthru!
Blissful shoonya (meditation)
Sept 20 Eve
Father, work late tonight. Tomorrow last day. Sl finally called me and complained about E too. Perhaps J and P is right on Sl feeling betrayed by me for 'leaving' her...but I don't think so.
Did shoonya and then came out and went in deep. It was so pleasurable, similar to orgasm. I was laughing gently cos don't want to break the bliss. Amazing.
Tao Teh Ching
The subtle essence of the universe is active.
It is like an unfailing fountain of life which flows forever in a vast and profound valley.
It is called the Primal Female and the Subtle Origin.
The Gate of the Subtle Origin becomes the root of the universe.
It subtly and gently generates without exhausting itself.
Osho
Believing in God simple means ... I don't end at myself, more is possible. More than myself is possible. My circumference is not the ultimate circumference of my existence. I can be big, I can be vast, I can expand.
Simply remembering this is remembering divine.
Soul
Amen. What I knew is whatever I faced in the outer world, I will have have refuge in my inner world.
Osho
Difference between a worldly person and a spiritual person. A worldly person want to expand his world; a spiritual person expands himself. A worldly person is completely satisfied with himself. He is content with himself; he is not at all concerned that he can be quite different, that a Buddha can descend within him, that a Jesus can be born within him. He is not worried about this. He is just very discontented about small things and not at all discontented about great matters.
When the dissatisfaction u have with things begins to move inwards and the contentment that u have towards the inner moves outwards, u have already become a religious person.
Father, work late tonight. Tomorrow last day. Sl finally called me and complained about E too. Perhaps J and P is right on Sl feeling betrayed by me for 'leaving' her...but I don't think so.
Did shoonya and then came out and went in deep. It was so pleasurable, similar to orgasm. I was laughing gently cos don't want to break the bliss. Amazing.
Tao Teh Ching
The subtle essence of the universe is active.
It is like an unfailing fountain of life which flows forever in a vast and profound valley.
It is called the Primal Female and the Subtle Origin.
The Gate of the Subtle Origin becomes the root of the universe.
It subtly and gently generates without exhausting itself.
Osho
Believing in God simple means ... I don't end at myself, more is possible. More than myself is possible. My circumference is not the ultimate circumference of my existence. I can be big, I can be vast, I can expand.
Simply remembering this is remembering divine.
Soul
Amen. What I knew is whatever I faced in the outer world, I will have have refuge in my inner world.
Osho
Difference between a worldly person and a spiritual person. A worldly person want to expand his world; a spiritual person expands himself. A worldly person is completely satisfied with himself. He is content with himself; he is not at all concerned that he can be quite different, that a Buddha can descend within him, that a Jesus can be born within him. He is not worried about this. He is just very discontented about small things and not at all discontented about great matters.
When the dissatisfaction u have with things begins to move inwards and the contentment that u have towards the inner moves outwards, u have already become a religious person.
Finally no longer seek approval from my ex-staff (my outer Parent)
Sept 20
Father, I slept around 12 am yesterday cos I worked late till 8.30 pm, reach home 9 plus and I tot to do only shoonya but it took longer and I have my dinner around 10 plus pm.
Wake up at 5.15 am to the alarm but head was feeling heavy cos jolted from deep sleep and I think I was having a dream. I knew I am not in the right frame so I slept back and wake up 6.10 am, just doing guru pooja and shambavi. I finished by 7.06 am. I had to force myself to come out. Of course, it would be better with shakti and breathing.
Had some negative tots on Sl but I waived it off. She is harmless but its just her Parent. What a wonderful life! Everything happens for a reason. Now I knew why she is a karma card, cos she is my mirror of my hidden Parent. Seventeen years ago I am not aware when I met YY and ten years ago, when I met SL. But now I knew. On the surface, not the same but I got an unknown hidden Parent that drives.
Al is a driver, M is a driver, Jc is also a driver, E is a driver.
Osho
Nirvana is a state of unconditional acceptance. Wherever u r, if u can accept ur life with totality, with joy, with gratitude, if u can see ur life as a gift, then nirvana is never a problem. The problem arises only because u don't accept ur life, u reject life. And the moment u reject life u start looking for some other life and u become worried about whether it is going to be better than this life or not. It may be worse. That's what hell is: the fear of a worse life than this. And that is nirvana; the greed for a better life than this. But there is no other life; there is no hell, no heaven. Only fools are interested in such things.
Soul
I reached a good place. I am even ok with Sl rejecting me. It doesn't matter, besides I am not her type. I like the way I am.
Osho
Atheist are always more skillful as far as argumentation is concerned than theists. Theists are believers; they are gullible people. Atheists believe in logic and nothing else, and logic knows only how to deny. Logic has no idea of how to say yes. The word yes does not exist in the logician's mind, only "no".
Soul
Tot of E and Sl.
Osho
God is now and here.
There is only one way to know what is now and what is here, and that is meditation. One has to become utterly silent, because mind is always going either backwards or forwards; either it moves into memories or into imagination. It never stays here, it never remains in the now, for the simple reason that to be in the now means the death of the mind. It is afraid of the now, it is afraid of the present.
Soul
Amen. Yea, I knew. Today felt not as great as 3 meditations
Father, I slept around 12 am yesterday cos I worked late till 8.30 pm, reach home 9 plus and I tot to do only shoonya but it took longer and I have my dinner around 10 plus pm.
Wake up at 5.15 am to the alarm but head was feeling heavy cos jolted from deep sleep and I think I was having a dream. I knew I am not in the right frame so I slept back and wake up 6.10 am, just doing guru pooja and shambavi. I finished by 7.06 am. I had to force myself to come out. Of course, it would be better with shakti and breathing.
Had some negative tots on Sl but I waived it off. She is harmless but its just her Parent. What a wonderful life! Everything happens for a reason. Now I knew why she is a karma card, cos she is my mirror of my hidden Parent. Seventeen years ago I am not aware when I met YY and ten years ago, when I met SL. But now I knew. On the surface, not the same but I got an unknown hidden Parent that drives.
Al is a driver, M is a driver, Jc is also a driver, E is a driver.
Osho
Nirvana is a state of unconditional acceptance. Wherever u r, if u can accept ur life with totality, with joy, with gratitude, if u can see ur life as a gift, then nirvana is never a problem. The problem arises only because u don't accept ur life, u reject life. And the moment u reject life u start looking for some other life and u become worried about whether it is going to be better than this life or not. It may be worse. That's what hell is: the fear of a worse life than this. And that is nirvana; the greed for a better life than this. But there is no other life; there is no hell, no heaven. Only fools are interested in such things.
Soul
I reached a good place. I am even ok with Sl rejecting me. It doesn't matter, besides I am not her type. I like the way I am.
Osho
Atheist are always more skillful as far as argumentation is concerned than theists. Theists are believers; they are gullible people. Atheists believe in logic and nothing else, and logic knows only how to deny. Logic has no idea of how to say yes. The word yes does not exist in the logician's mind, only "no".
Soul
Tot of E and Sl.
Osho
God is now and here.
There is only one way to know what is now and what is here, and that is meditation. One has to become utterly silent, because mind is always going either backwards or forwards; either it moves into memories or into imagination. It never stays here, it never remains in the now, for the simple reason that to be in the now means the death of the mind. It is afraid of the now, it is afraid of the present.
Soul
Amen. Yea, I knew. Today felt not as great as 3 meditations
Facing the Parent in others...not as difficult as before
Sept 19 Aft
Today's 7thunders.com card
Five of Diamond
At its deepest level, the Five of Diamonds signals a time when u will undergo a change in values. If our values, or what we really want from life, changes, it is likely that many other changes will occur at the same time.
We could move to a new location, get a new job or even change rships.
Soul
True. I still miss Z but there is no anxiousness nor expectation. We r both following our own dreams. I dreamed of my partner with me this coming new year dinner.
Sept 19 Eve
Wow, what a day! To face the Parent in Sl. Such heavy Parent. I was getting angry, then I realised that it was hurting. She kept on saying I was not good and E was good. Talking to me was quite pointless. Saying that when she leave the company, things goes on well, that's another side of saying things not on well for me. So much judgement.
When she asked more and I told her I don't know. I replied I didn't ask. She keep on saying how can I allow it. I said I can work with uncertainty, I can live with mistake. I said what I inform her was what E told me and Ze. She said she cannot believe it cos E is very good at explaining. She said since I had the file for so long, why I didn't act on it. I said it was not due yet and we moved on to other things.
Then in the finale, she said E doesn't want to explain in detail to us as he felt me and Ze couldn't get it and he doesn't want to waste time. Such a heavy bomb. I replied that I don't ask for too much detailed. She said she need more detailed so she can do a good job and not make mistake. Well, for me, mistake can be made.
She even went to the extent of asking why I took up the job then. I told her that's why I am leaving now cos I don't like it.
I didn't want to explain that the job is low level to me cos that would make her look bad. I didn't want to tell her that I am not good at execution, I am only good at giving direction.
When she was giving such heavy handed judgment, I gave myself an inner pep talk. Need not be affected, she has her strength, but it won't be easy for her to go up the corporate ladder.
I told her there are instance where E deliberately used a higher figure and I just let it be. She judged me for letting it happen. She said I help Z to 'cheat' others. Then when I said I acted under instruction for biz, she then changed the story and defended E and said she understood why E does it, as there are plus and minus. I just looked at her, wrong is wrong, we need not find reason to justify our actions.
No wonder she can symphatise with her 'bad' boss.
And the beauty of this is I know E for nearly 2 years and here she keep on asserting she knows E better than me eventhough she just reported to E about 3 months only. Granted both of them in the same pace..but it doesn't mean she knows E better than me.
Father, I also realised something. She needed so much information before she can start. To me, that means she is not that smart, or perhaps she is afraid. It is just like a driver that has a good sense direction is naturally afraid of getting lost. For me, I don't need it cos I don't mind getting lost.
Father, I can now see the similarity between her and YY. Both also on Parent mode. But YY's sting is not as much as Sl. In Sl case, her arrogance shines thru.
Father, thank U. What a finale. Perfect. My hidden Parent is uncovered and Sl no longer affect me like those days. I was laughing throughout my drive home. Thank U for the breakthru. I have reached a good place after nearly 10 years. I have finally accepted myself even if others, like Sl and Z doesn't.
On E, I knew he like me.
Also, on Sl. I used to want her approval. But now I see the people she approve are those like hers. I am not same type like her, so no way she approve. And I don't want to be like her.
(Sept 30 - When I read this, I tot I sounded bit defensive and I was like jealous of her and E. Then I was jealous of her saying E is good boss vs me. I too faced the same 'feelings' in the past whenever she praise her ex-boss. And now history repeat itself.
Now alas I realised I would never be a good boss in her eyes. She wanted a different type of boss, one who provides detailed explanation, knows how to execute and delegate. I am the type that need others to execute, I can only set direction..but I am good with people and also a good strategist. )
Osho - Daya
What is meant by remembering the divine?
If a man considers himself to be the peak as he is, he will live in sorrow and then be finished - just as no flowers will ever blossom if a seed assumes itself to be the end of things. A seed has to transcend, it has to go beyond itself. It is when man also tries to go beyond himself that he remembers the divine.
Remembering God means
I don't end at myself, more is possible. More than myself is possible. My circumference is not the ultimate circumference of my existence. I can be big, I can be vast, I can expand.
Soul
Amen.
Today's 7thunders.com card
Five of Diamond
At its deepest level, the Five of Diamonds signals a time when u will undergo a change in values. If our values, or what we really want from life, changes, it is likely that many other changes will occur at the same time.
We could move to a new location, get a new job or even change rships.
Soul
True. I still miss Z but there is no anxiousness nor expectation. We r both following our own dreams. I dreamed of my partner with me this coming new year dinner.
Sept 19 Eve
Wow, what a day! To face the Parent in Sl. Such heavy Parent. I was getting angry, then I realised that it was hurting. She kept on saying I was not good and E was good. Talking to me was quite pointless. Saying that when she leave the company, things goes on well, that's another side of saying things not on well for me. So much judgement.
When she asked more and I told her I don't know. I replied I didn't ask. She keep on saying how can I allow it. I said I can work with uncertainty, I can live with mistake. I said what I inform her was what E told me and Ze. She said she cannot believe it cos E is very good at explaining. She said since I had the file for so long, why I didn't act on it. I said it was not due yet and we moved on to other things.
Then in the finale, she said E doesn't want to explain in detail to us as he felt me and Ze couldn't get it and he doesn't want to waste time. Such a heavy bomb. I replied that I don't ask for too much detailed. She said she need more detailed so she can do a good job and not make mistake. Well, for me, mistake can be made.
She even went to the extent of asking why I took up the job then. I told her that's why I am leaving now cos I don't like it.
I didn't want to explain that the job is low level to me cos that would make her look bad. I didn't want to tell her that I am not good at execution, I am only good at giving direction.
When she was giving such heavy handed judgment, I gave myself an inner pep talk. Need not be affected, she has her strength, but it won't be easy for her to go up the corporate ladder.
I told her there are instance where E deliberately used a higher figure and I just let it be. She judged me for letting it happen. She said I help Z to 'cheat' others. Then when I said I acted under instruction for biz, she then changed the story and defended E and said she understood why E does it, as there are plus and minus. I just looked at her, wrong is wrong, we need not find reason to justify our actions.
No wonder she can symphatise with her 'bad' boss.
And the beauty of this is I know E for nearly 2 years and here she keep on asserting she knows E better than me eventhough she just reported to E about 3 months only. Granted both of them in the same pace..but it doesn't mean she knows E better than me.
Father, I also realised something. She needed so much information before she can start. To me, that means she is not that smart, or perhaps she is afraid. It is just like a driver that has a good sense direction is naturally afraid of getting lost. For me, I don't need it cos I don't mind getting lost.
Father, I can now see the similarity between her and YY. Both also on Parent mode. But YY's sting is not as much as Sl. In Sl case, her arrogance shines thru.
Father, thank U. What a finale. Perfect. My hidden Parent is uncovered and Sl no longer affect me like those days. I was laughing throughout my drive home. Thank U for the breakthru. I have reached a good place after nearly 10 years. I have finally accepted myself even if others, like Sl and Z doesn't.
On E, I knew he like me.
Also, on Sl. I used to want her approval. But now I see the people she approve are those like hers. I am not same type like her, so no way she approve. And I don't want to be like her.
(Sept 30 - When I read this, I tot I sounded bit defensive and I was like jealous of her and E. Then I was jealous of her saying E is good boss vs me. I too faced the same 'feelings' in the past whenever she praise her ex-boss. And now history repeat itself.
Now alas I realised I would never be a good boss in her eyes. She wanted a different type of boss, one who provides detailed explanation, knows how to execute and delegate. I am the type that need others to execute, I can only set direction..but I am good with people and also a good strategist. )
Osho - Daya
What is meant by remembering the divine?
If a man considers himself to be the peak as he is, he will live in sorrow and then be finished - just as no flowers will ever blossom if a seed assumes itself to be the end of things. A seed has to transcend, it has to go beyond itself. It is when man also tries to go beyond himself that he remembers the divine.
Remembering God means
I don't end at myself, more is possible. More than myself is possible. My circumference is not the ultimate circumference of my existence. I can be big, I can be vast, I can expand.
Soul
Amen.
Uncovering the Hidden Parent in me via Sadhguru
Sept 19
Father, today woke up around 5 am before alarm clock at 5.15 am. I slept around 11.45 pm yesterday. My shoonya and samyama was quite ok.
Osho
A master is not a psychoanalyst, he is a mirror. He simply reflects all ur burdens, tensions, anxieties, anguish, with all ur problems, with all ur miseries. And naturally u become offended.
Soul
True. I used to fear and dislike and avoid Sadhguru. I tot he would "force" me to do things that I don't want to, like be vegetarian, quit job, be teacher, be a full time volunteer, stay in ashram and etc.
I even avoid him during samyama. I avoid his gaze during sathsang. After 4 years, I finally was able to face him. What a release. To my amazement, there is no 'force'. He just looked at me and start to laugh. And I also laughed when I sense his energy and acceptance. Then he walk away, I was still laughing non-stop.
I guess that's the parent in me. Just like I felt judged or pressed when Sl's comments. Now I can see her Parent's mode and the judgement on myself is gone. I can also see why she is attracted to bad guy cos the alignment with the natural Parent in her. She both scold and nurture. Bad guys need that. And I knew why she doesn't seem to care for me, cos with me, her Parent can't work. With me, she has to bring out Adult in her, which she is resistant. Mmm, a tot came on Sdr, my ex-staff, also a Parent. Her 'story' is same with Sl. And the same with ex-boss A. A also not a good gal, and no one likes her, so Sl can nurture her. No wonder Sl said she doesn't experience it with E. E is mostly Adult like me, except in defense, he become Parent and me become Child.
I have loads of hidden Parent in me. Z also have Parent in him and in a way he directed the rship his way. He won't allow any departure from his way. Anyway, with him, he is following my dream. Just like I am following mine.
Now alas, I have uncovered my hidden Parent, the going will be easy. I know my RA will dissolve. There is no hidden Parent to force me anymore. My suppression is released.
Suppression
In sanskrit, the name is alaya vigyan, the house where u go on throwing into the basement things that u want to do but u cannot, because of social conditions, culture, civilisation. But they go on collecting there, and they affect ur actions, ur life, very indirectly. Directly, they cannot face u -- u have forced them into darkness, but from the dark side, they go on influencing ur behaviour. They are dangerous, it is dangerous to keep all those inhibitions inside u.
Soul
I used to be unable to relate to this. I tot I cleared out my whole inner drawers, and normally acted out what I want. But alas, now I can truly see the hidden Parent. Now I knew why Sl comes back into my life - to let me see.
Osho
If somebody becomes resistant that means something is wrong in his inner world, something is repressed and that repression starts uncoiling itself.
Sex is a natural phenomenon which gives glimpses of meditation. From sex, u can go to meditation, but if sex loses its appeal, the doors for meditation are closed because u won't have glimpses of meditation. It is only in sexual orgasm that u melt, merge, disappear. And those few moments of disappearance, dissolution, give u the first taste of what it will be to dissolve forever. Those drops of nectar can give u some idea of the ocean that a Buddha carries in his being. But if sex loses its appeal, then even those drops become impossible. And a person who has not even tasted a drop of nectar cannot conceive that there is a possibility of any oceanic experience. For him, Buddha will become a fiction.
Try to understand my approach. I want u to transcend sex - but through sex, not by becoming indifferent to it, not by dropping it in an immature way.
Soul
I am lucky. I encountered my own being in meditation before I had sex. So, to me sex is not critical as I can encountered my being in meditation, in the swimming pool. I felt the same bliss as during sex.
Osho
I will have to open ur wounds. U may have forgotten about them, completely forgotten; u may have started believing that they no longer exist. And I will have to reopen them to show u where u are, because unless u know where u r, u cannot move a single inch, u cannot grow. U can move only from where u are.
Soul
I know where I am now, with my hidden Parent uncovered.
Osho
And there will times when u feel ecstatic. Then don think I am giving this ecstasy to u - nobody can give truth to u. I can inspire, I can challenge, I can invite, I can seduce u into the journey, but I cannot give the truth to u. U have to find it urself; I can only show ur face.
I m simply a mirror.
Soul
True.
Osho
The master simply represents God on earth. U have to be utterly naked before the master, only then will u be capable one day of facing ur God. If u r capable of facing ur master, u will certainly able to face ur God.
Soul
After 4 years, I was finally able to face Sadhguru. Amen.
Father, today woke up around 5 am before alarm clock at 5.15 am. I slept around 11.45 pm yesterday. My shoonya and samyama was quite ok.
Osho
A master is not a psychoanalyst, he is a mirror. He simply reflects all ur burdens, tensions, anxieties, anguish, with all ur problems, with all ur miseries. And naturally u become offended.
Soul
True. I used to fear and dislike and avoid Sadhguru. I tot he would "force" me to do things that I don't want to, like be vegetarian, quit job, be teacher, be a full time volunteer, stay in ashram and etc.
I even avoid him during samyama. I avoid his gaze during sathsang. After 4 years, I finally was able to face him. What a release. To my amazement, there is no 'force'. He just looked at me and start to laugh. And I also laughed when I sense his energy and acceptance. Then he walk away, I was still laughing non-stop.
I guess that's the parent in me. Just like I felt judged or pressed when Sl's comments. Now I can see her Parent's mode and the judgement on myself is gone. I can also see why she is attracted to bad guy cos the alignment with the natural Parent in her. She both scold and nurture. Bad guys need that. And I knew why she doesn't seem to care for me, cos with me, her Parent can't work. With me, she has to bring out Adult in her, which she is resistant. Mmm, a tot came on Sdr, my ex-staff, also a Parent. Her 'story' is same with Sl. And the same with ex-boss A. A also not a good gal, and no one likes her, so Sl can nurture her. No wonder Sl said she doesn't experience it with E. E is mostly Adult like me, except in defense, he become Parent and me become Child.
I have loads of hidden Parent in me. Z also have Parent in him and in a way he directed the rship his way. He won't allow any departure from his way. Anyway, with him, he is following my dream. Just like I am following mine.
Now alas, I have uncovered my hidden Parent, the going will be easy. I know my RA will dissolve. There is no hidden Parent to force me anymore. My suppression is released.
Suppression
In sanskrit, the name is alaya vigyan, the house where u go on throwing into the basement things that u want to do but u cannot, because of social conditions, culture, civilisation. But they go on collecting there, and they affect ur actions, ur life, very indirectly. Directly, they cannot face u -- u have forced them into darkness, but from the dark side, they go on influencing ur behaviour. They are dangerous, it is dangerous to keep all those inhibitions inside u.
Soul
I used to be unable to relate to this. I tot I cleared out my whole inner drawers, and normally acted out what I want. But alas, now I can truly see the hidden Parent. Now I knew why Sl comes back into my life - to let me see.
Osho
If somebody becomes resistant that means something is wrong in his inner world, something is repressed and that repression starts uncoiling itself.
Sex is a natural phenomenon which gives glimpses of meditation. From sex, u can go to meditation, but if sex loses its appeal, the doors for meditation are closed because u won't have glimpses of meditation. It is only in sexual orgasm that u melt, merge, disappear. And those few moments of disappearance, dissolution, give u the first taste of what it will be to dissolve forever. Those drops of nectar can give u some idea of the ocean that a Buddha carries in his being. But if sex loses its appeal, then even those drops become impossible. And a person who has not even tasted a drop of nectar cannot conceive that there is a possibility of any oceanic experience. For him, Buddha will become a fiction.
Try to understand my approach. I want u to transcend sex - but through sex, not by becoming indifferent to it, not by dropping it in an immature way.
Soul
I am lucky. I encountered my own being in meditation before I had sex. So, to me sex is not critical as I can encountered my being in meditation, in the swimming pool. I felt the same bliss as during sex.
Osho
I will have to open ur wounds. U may have forgotten about them, completely forgotten; u may have started believing that they no longer exist. And I will have to reopen them to show u where u are, because unless u know where u r, u cannot move a single inch, u cannot grow. U can move only from where u are.
Soul
I know where I am now, with my hidden Parent uncovered.
Osho
And there will times when u feel ecstatic. Then don think I am giving this ecstasy to u - nobody can give truth to u. I can inspire, I can challenge, I can invite, I can seduce u into the journey, but I cannot give the truth to u. U have to find it urself; I can only show ur face.
I m simply a mirror.
Soul
True.
Osho
The master simply represents God on earth. U have to be utterly naked before the master, only then will u be capable one day of facing ur God. If u r capable of facing ur master, u will certainly able to face ur God.
Soul
After 4 years, I was finally able to face Sadhguru. Amen.
Hidden Parent in me
Sept 18 Eve
Father, just now as I was driving I tot of Z's cosmic lesson for me with his Seven of Spades and what Osho said about mirror. I tot of my past fear of Sadhguru, I tot he would "force" me to do more things.
Then I tot of Sl and her communication in Parent mode. Now I can see her Parent mode and it no longer affects me like those years.
Tot of Z and his drive for wealth, shutting down everything except his mother.
Z and I survived so long because of me driving myself to open my boundaries to him.
Suddenly I cried and cried loads. Suddenly I can see my hidden Parent. E is also a Parent too.
Perhaps my lesson is over as my hidden Parent has now come out.
Tao Teh Ching
Empty ur mind
Enjoy good health
Weaken ur ambitions
Strengthen ur essence.
When people are free from cunning, desire and artifice, everything will be well ordered for its own accord.
Father, just now as I was driving I tot of Z's cosmic lesson for me with his Seven of Spades and what Osho said about mirror. I tot of my past fear of Sadhguru, I tot he would "force" me to do more things.
Then I tot of Sl and her communication in Parent mode. Now I can see her Parent mode and it no longer affects me like those years.
Tot of Z and his drive for wealth, shutting down everything except his mother.
Z and I survived so long because of me driving myself to open my boundaries to him.
Suddenly I cried and cried loads. Suddenly I can see my hidden Parent. E is also a Parent too.
Perhaps my lesson is over as my hidden Parent has now come out.
Tao Teh Ching
Empty ur mind
Enjoy good health
Weaken ur ambitions
Strengthen ur essence.
When people are free from cunning, desire and artifice, everything will be well ordered for its own accord.
Last 4 days to go in new company
Sept 18 Aft
Father, faced 'attack' from E, as expected. Anyway, it is part of my role to confront and withstand.
Now just focus to do my part for next 4 days.
1. Issue
Beyond Illusion
The space between the two eyes has opened, revealing the lotus of spiritual unfoldment and the rising sun of awareness.
Don't look outside for what is real, but to look within.
Soul
Another 4 days. Just focus inward and I can pass through.
Anyway, I just make up with E. I think we got 'stronger' after this. I guess that is Seven of Heart today. E and I have our differences but the rship is still intact.
I also confronted Sl for her tone of voice. She is not so likeable lah. I put up with it cos I am her friend and part of me feel guilty of leaving her too. But she is just like a Parent - either "teaching" or 'nurturing'. She is a true Parent.
2. Internal influence
Intensity
It is a dark night, but with the intense fire of inquiry u are bound to come to the sunrise. U have to find ur innermost core on ur own, with no guide, no guiding scriptures.
U r likely to create ripples in the waters around u. Some will feel uplifted and refreshed by ur presence, others may feel threatened or annoyed. But the opinions of others matter little; nothing can hold u back right now.
Soul
I am intense, that's for sure.
3. External influence
Suppression
Literally tied up in knots. His light still shines within, but he has repressed his own vitality trying to meet so many demands and expectations.
Soul
I just want to end this and move forward. Like I told E, I cannot take the pace.
I don't even feel I want to do hata. But Father, where am I extreme like Z??
Well, P said I am extreme on my yoga practices and egoless on Z.
Yea, perhaps I was egoless, that's why Z was so ego and we maintain for nearly 2 years. I can put up with a lot, if its the things I want. Normally I have healthy parameters, but with work, rship with Z and yoga practices, I go all the way.
4. What is needed for resolution?
New Vision
Now u r presented with an opportunity to see life in all its dimensions, from the depths to the heights. They exist together, and when we come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a different perspective on the world.
By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
5. Resolution
Experiencing
The thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us.
Soul
Amen.
Father, faced 'attack' from E, as expected. Anyway, it is part of my role to confront and withstand.
Now just focus to do my part for next 4 days.
1. Issue
Beyond Illusion
The space between the two eyes has opened, revealing the lotus of spiritual unfoldment and the rising sun of awareness.
Don't look outside for what is real, but to look within.
Soul
Another 4 days. Just focus inward and I can pass through.
Anyway, I just make up with E. I think we got 'stronger' after this. I guess that is Seven of Heart today. E and I have our differences but the rship is still intact.
I also confronted Sl for her tone of voice. She is not so likeable lah. I put up with it cos I am her friend and part of me feel guilty of leaving her too. But she is just like a Parent - either "teaching" or 'nurturing'. She is a true Parent.
2. Internal influence
Intensity
It is a dark night, but with the intense fire of inquiry u are bound to come to the sunrise. U have to find ur innermost core on ur own, with no guide, no guiding scriptures.
U r likely to create ripples in the waters around u. Some will feel uplifted and refreshed by ur presence, others may feel threatened or annoyed. But the opinions of others matter little; nothing can hold u back right now.
Soul
I am intense, that's for sure.
3. External influence
Suppression
Literally tied up in knots. His light still shines within, but he has repressed his own vitality trying to meet so many demands and expectations.
Soul
I just want to end this and move forward. Like I told E, I cannot take the pace.
I don't even feel I want to do hata. But Father, where am I extreme like Z??
Well, P said I am extreme on my yoga practices and egoless on Z.
Yea, perhaps I was egoless, that's why Z was so ego and we maintain for nearly 2 years. I can put up with a lot, if its the things I want. Normally I have healthy parameters, but with work, rship with Z and yoga practices, I go all the way.
4. What is needed for resolution?
New Vision
Now u r presented with an opportunity to see life in all its dimensions, from the depths to the heights. They exist together, and when we come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a different perspective on the world.
By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
5. Resolution
Experiencing
The thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us.
Soul
Amen.
Embracing my Silence
Sept 18
Father, I woke up awake before 4.10 am. Body is fine but I don't want to do hata. I just want to rest. I slept back and woke up 5.15 am and finished practice at 6.57 am. I had no expectation cos I skip my Monday practice and went for a lovely walk in the park. To my surprise, even at Guru Pooja, my head was shaking non-stop. Then breathing was fine. Shakti was ok. Shambavi was deep, head shaking non-stop. It took me longer to come up and so I am not surprised to see it is nearly 7 am.
I drove and there is a sense of contentment. Mind was quite quiet too. I just drove and feel the trees and flowers around me. Contentment set in. Tot of Z, nothing personal. He desires me but he followed his dream, just like me desires him but follow my dream. The same that I desire exciting job with good pay but my dream is 3 days job and writing. Also, I may be a deterrent in his dream and he is borrowing another 500k to finance his business.
Osho
If u repressed anything. It will come out in some way. Innocence is ur nature. Innocence is not something to be achieved. It has only been repressed deep down in u. If all the repressions are removed it will start surfacing. U will become a child again.
Soul
I tot of me repressing my unlovability and insecurity on money, perhaps that's why I attract Z (double lesson) into my life. Amen. Thanks to Z, I learned both. Lesson is gone. Lovable or unlovable, that's me. Good or not in something, that's me too. Nothing to hide. No good or bad, just me.
Father, such a peace falls on me. Then a giggle came. Everything is OK.
Osho
Even though the society destroys ur intelligence it cannot destroy it totally; it only covers it with many layers of information.
And that's the whole function of meditation; to take u deeper into urself. It is a method of digging into ur own being to the point when u come to the living waters of ur own intelligence, when u discover the springs of ur own intelligence.
When u have discovered ur child again, when u r reborn, then, only then will u understand.
A master is not a psychoanalyst, he is a mirror. He simply reflects u with all ur burdens, tensions, anxieties, anguish, with all ur problems, with all ur miseries.
Soul
Tot of Z being my mirror. If I don't have the feeling of unlovability. He can't hurt me. Tot of Seven of Spades - how am I extreme?
Seven of Heart
It is a highly spiritual number, promises success in love if u try a new approach and adopt a more selfless or unattached attitude. If we can allow others to be who they are and not place so many demands upon them, we not only become more aware of their true personalities, but we also allow ourselves the freedom to be just who we are and experience just how it feels to be free of fear and attachment.
Soul
This morning I have accepted Z's decision to choose for his dream, which is the same as I did. For now, we are not aligned.
Father, I woke up awake before 4.10 am. Body is fine but I don't want to do hata. I just want to rest. I slept back and woke up 5.15 am and finished practice at 6.57 am. I had no expectation cos I skip my Monday practice and went for a lovely walk in the park. To my surprise, even at Guru Pooja, my head was shaking non-stop. Then breathing was fine. Shakti was ok. Shambavi was deep, head shaking non-stop. It took me longer to come up and so I am not surprised to see it is nearly 7 am.
I drove and there is a sense of contentment. Mind was quite quiet too. I just drove and feel the trees and flowers around me. Contentment set in. Tot of Z, nothing personal. He desires me but he followed his dream, just like me desires him but follow my dream. The same that I desire exciting job with good pay but my dream is 3 days job and writing. Also, I may be a deterrent in his dream and he is borrowing another 500k to finance his business.
Osho
If u repressed anything. It will come out in some way. Innocence is ur nature. Innocence is not something to be achieved. It has only been repressed deep down in u. If all the repressions are removed it will start surfacing. U will become a child again.
Soul
I tot of me repressing my unlovability and insecurity on money, perhaps that's why I attract Z (double lesson) into my life. Amen. Thanks to Z, I learned both. Lesson is gone. Lovable or unlovable, that's me. Good or not in something, that's me too. Nothing to hide. No good or bad, just me.
Father, such a peace falls on me. Then a giggle came. Everything is OK.
Osho
Even though the society destroys ur intelligence it cannot destroy it totally; it only covers it with many layers of information.
And that's the whole function of meditation; to take u deeper into urself. It is a method of digging into ur own being to the point when u come to the living waters of ur own intelligence, when u discover the springs of ur own intelligence.
When u have discovered ur child again, when u r reborn, then, only then will u understand.
A master is not a psychoanalyst, he is a mirror. He simply reflects u with all ur burdens, tensions, anxieties, anguish, with all ur problems, with all ur miseries.
Soul
Tot of Z being my mirror. If I don't have the feeling of unlovability. He can't hurt me. Tot of Seven of Spades - how am I extreme?
Seven of Heart
It is a highly spiritual number, promises success in love if u try a new approach and adopt a more selfless or unattached attitude. If we can allow others to be who they are and not place so many demands upon them, we not only become more aware of their true personalities, but we also allow ourselves the freedom to be just who we are and experience just how it feels to be free of fear and attachment.
Soul
This morning I have accepted Z's decision to choose for his dream, which is the same as I did. For now, we are not aligned.
Remembering my own inner bliss
Sept 17
Staying OK
Living joyously means living not only by knowledge but also by faith. Once embarked, courage is available.
Soul
I miss him. But I can no longer take it.
Suddenly tot of Five of Heart in Destiny now proceeded to Five of Hearts in Ruling. What is experienced inside is translated outside. There is no longer any difference between inside and outside.
This morning, I went for a walk in the park with my mom. My mom is a good companion to me. When I was walking, breathing the fresh air, watching my breathe, suddenly I was humming a song. This continues for quite awhile.
Osho - Daya
The bliss of the flower is that it doesn't have to go anywhere; the future has ended for it. And when the future ends, the connection with the past also breaks. When nothing more has to happen, who needs to remember the past. The test is over. Now there are no more trials.
Soul
Not sure if I am on the right track but I suddenly tot of my unlovability. I faced it squarely. I no longer feel its pinch anymore. At the moment, I feel I need not learn anymore.
Osho
Enlightenment is a celebration. There will be dancing, there will be singing, a thanksgiving, an expression of gratitude.
Soul
I have experienced joy, I sing spontaneously for someone who never tot to sing. I laugh and giggle without reason. I danced without music.
These 2 days, I have completed 2 stories. My third book will mainly be on Z.
Just like he respect me for me breaking away, I too respect his wish to be alone to pursue his dreams. I guess we both do desire and want each other. But our dream now is different. Me is on rship and well-being. Him on aloneness and wealth. A classic case of focusing on our dream instead of desires.
Osho
The enlightened mystics says: "Believing won't do. Taste it!" An enlightened mystic makes that taste available to u. He pours forth the sweet honey in which he himself is drowning. That is why there is so much emphasis on sathsang, on sitting near an enlightened mystic. Something will start to resonating in ur heart. This resonance is totally illogical! It is beyond ur intellect, it is not something ur mind can grasp. A master is the mystic whom u have begun to taste, through whose medium u have begun to know.
Soul
Yea, sathsang is great for me. I just open and melt. Ad said I goes into a trance. After 4 years, I finally acknowledged Sadhguru as my Master. Perhaps he saw me and hence laughed. K said he laughed cos he recognised me.
Staying OK
Living joyously means living not only by knowledge but also by faith. Once embarked, courage is available.
Soul
I miss him. But I can no longer take it.
Suddenly tot of Five of Heart in Destiny now proceeded to Five of Hearts in Ruling. What is experienced inside is translated outside. There is no longer any difference between inside and outside.
This morning, I went for a walk in the park with my mom. My mom is a good companion to me. When I was walking, breathing the fresh air, watching my breathe, suddenly I was humming a song. This continues for quite awhile.
Osho - Daya
The bliss of the flower is that it doesn't have to go anywhere; the future has ended for it. And when the future ends, the connection with the past also breaks. When nothing more has to happen, who needs to remember the past. The test is over. Now there are no more trials.
Soul
Not sure if I am on the right track but I suddenly tot of my unlovability. I faced it squarely. I no longer feel its pinch anymore. At the moment, I feel I need not learn anymore.
Osho
Enlightenment is a celebration. There will be dancing, there will be singing, a thanksgiving, an expression of gratitude.
Soul
I have experienced joy, I sing spontaneously for someone who never tot to sing. I laugh and giggle without reason. I danced without music.
These 2 days, I have completed 2 stories. My third book will mainly be on Z.
Just like he respect me for me breaking away, I too respect his wish to be alone to pursue his dreams. I guess we both do desire and want each other. But our dream now is different. Me is on rship and well-being. Him on aloneness and wealth. A classic case of focusing on our dream instead of desires.
Osho
The enlightened mystics says: "Believing won't do. Taste it!" An enlightened mystic makes that taste available to u. He pours forth the sweet honey in which he himself is drowning. That is why there is so much emphasis on sathsang, on sitting near an enlightened mystic. Something will start to resonating in ur heart. This resonance is totally illogical! It is beyond ur intellect, it is not something ur mind can grasp. A master is the mystic whom u have begun to taste, through whose medium u have begun to know.
Soul
Yea, sathsang is great for me. I just open and melt. Ad said I goes into a trance. After 4 years, I finally acknowledged Sadhguru as my Master. Perhaps he saw me and hence laughed. K said he laughed cos he recognised me.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
We offers what we want
Sept 16
Father, my blog hit is consistent now. I am glad others can share and learn from my experiences.
Losing Z is not as bad as I tot.
Osho
Aloneness means positively enjoying it, being positively ecstatic about it, being positively blissful about it, so much so that if u r never together with anybody again, no question arises, no problem arises, not even the desire, not even a lurking desire somewhere in the unconscious. When u r so contented - not just satisfied, remember ...these words are totally different. One can create satisfaction without being contented.
Satisfaction is a kind of "accepting the inevitable.". If one is lonely, one is lonely; one has to live with it. And man is capable of adjusting to any situation.
Soul
While I am generally blissful in meditation mode, I cannot say I am contented off meditation. And I know I want my partner. And of course, I went thru my dilemma with Z. But one thing I learned towards the end is that I too need to speak Z's language. He wants to be acknowledged as a giver. Wish I could practice more but my limits was up.
Osho
Unless u know how to be alone, ur togetherness will become troublesome, ur togetherness will create misery, because ur togetherness will bring out everything that remains asleep in u while u r lonely.
When u r together, the other provokes it, the other becomes a challenge. U become a challenge for the other, the other becomes a challenge for u.
Soul
When I first decide I am ready to embark into love, to face my fear of unlovability, I met Z. The reason why I went into the rship was to face and overcome my unlovability. It was a journey of nearly 2 years.
He has proven to me time and time again that feeling of unlovability won't kill me. I need not be afraid of it.
And the finale is to face the unlovability completely by accepting the ending of a 2 year rship. And ending that came even though I still love him. Alas, I didn't die. I am intact. Thanks to meditation, my inner joy sustain me.
Osho
Don't be repressive. Be in the world and yet remain alert, aware, watchful. If u r not repressive in ur aloneness, ur aloneness will become a blissful, beautiful experience. Meet with the other person out of ur bliss, not out of ur misery. And then togetherness does not only double ur bliss, it multiplies it. Togetherness always multiplies whatsoever u bring to it. If u bring misery to it, it multiplies misery.
Soul
Suddenly tot of Z's request for the biz in my company. He wants to see my love for him. He said I didn't want to see him grow. For him, he would give me biz if I asked as he wants to see me grow.
For me, loving him is to give him the understanding he needs, to emphatise with him, to stay with him even when my parameters are breached. To stay and delayed my wants. To wait for him.
That is why he always joked of me giving him money. And I always say no. He wanted to test how much I love him. He doesn't want the money as his preference is to be the Giver and not Receiver. He just wants me to show him love the way he wanted.
Guess we r different. I have psychological depth and I want 'health and I offer 'health. He wants wealth and he offers wealth. We offers what we want, which is normal.
Osho
If u know how to be alone, u will know how to be alone together, because it is not a question of learning it again in a different way; it is the same phenomenon. If u know how to be alone, u will know it everywhere, whether in rship or not in rship.
In togetherness, helps spiritual growth, integrity, tremendously because it gives u an opportunity, a great challenge. It exposes u to the full light and u can see urself. The other becomes the mirror. Rship is a mirror. U cannot see ur face without a mirror.
Learn to be alone - and that will happen only through meditation - and then allow mirrors into ur life so that u can see where u r, what u r, how much u have grown.
Father, my blog hit is consistent now. I am glad others can share and learn from my experiences.
Losing Z is not as bad as I tot.
Osho
Aloneness means positively enjoying it, being positively ecstatic about it, being positively blissful about it, so much so that if u r never together with anybody again, no question arises, no problem arises, not even the desire, not even a lurking desire somewhere in the unconscious. When u r so contented - not just satisfied, remember ...these words are totally different. One can create satisfaction without being contented.
Satisfaction is a kind of "accepting the inevitable.". If one is lonely, one is lonely; one has to live with it. And man is capable of adjusting to any situation.
Soul
While I am generally blissful in meditation mode, I cannot say I am contented off meditation. And I know I want my partner. And of course, I went thru my dilemma with Z. But one thing I learned towards the end is that I too need to speak Z's language. He wants to be acknowledged as a giver. Wish I could practice more but my limits was up.
Osho
Unless u know how to be alone, ur togetherness will become troublesome, ur togetherness will create misery, because ur togetherness will bring out everything that remains asleep in u while u r lonely.
When u r together, the other provokes it, the other becomes a challenge. U become a challenge for the other, the other becomes a challenge for u.
Soul
When I first decide I am ready to embark into love, to face my fear of unlovability, I met Z. The reason why I went into the rship was to face and overcome my unlovability. It was a journey of nearly 2 years.
He has proven to me time and time again that feeling of unlovability won't kill me. I need not be afraid of it.
And the finale is to face the unlovability completely by accepting the ending of a 2 year rship. And ending that came even though I still love him. Alas, I didn't die. I am intact. Thanks to meditation, my inner joy sustain me.
Osho
Don't be repressive. Be in the world and yet remain alert, aware, watchful. If u r not repressive in ur aloneness, ur aloneness will become a blissful, beautiful experience. Meet with the other person out of ur bliss, not out of ur misery. And then togetherness does not only double ur bliss, it multiplies it. Togetherness always multiplies whatsoever u bring to it. If u bring misery to it, it multiplies misery.
Soul
Suddenly tot of Z's request for the biz in my company. He wants to see my love for him. He said I didn't want to see him grow. For him, he would give me biz if I asked as he wants to see me grow.
For me, loving him is to give him the understanding he needs, to emphatise with him, to stay with him even when my parameters are breached. To stay and delayed my wants. To wait for him.
That is why he always joked of me giving him money. And I always say no. He wanted to test how much I love him. He doesn't want the money as his preference is to be the Giver and not Receiver. He just wants me to show him love the way he wanted.
Guess we r different. I have psychological depth and I want 'health and I offer 'health. He wants wealth and he offers wealth. We offers what we want, which is normal.
Osho
If u know how to be alone, u will know how to be alone together, because it is not a question of learning it again in a different way; it is the same phenomenon. If u know how to be alone, u will know it everywhere, whether in rship or not in rship.
In togetherness, helps spiritual growth, integrity, tremendously because it gives u an opportunity, a great challenge. It exposes u to the full light and u can see urself. The other becomes the mirror. Rship is a mirror. U cannot see ur face without a mirror.
Learn to be alone - and that will happen only through meditation - and then allow mirrors into ur life so that u can see where u r, what u r, how much u have grown.
Trying to accept another ending with Z
Sept 15
Did my practices. Went for swim but road block and so I drove back. Had a good brunch with my mom and sis.
Did have some tots of Z, but I waived it off. I am looking for my happiness, I want a full time partner, not a part time one. I want a real one.
In the afternoon, tot that Z and I would be in the cinema by now. I miss him but then a tot came, only one day with him, without him will be my normal routine.
I just did a check on Osho Tarot on us. Perfect interpretation.
1. Me - Projection
True, I projected what I want to him. I tot there was an opening when he agreed for a movie and when he comes back even when I said I want him for my new year eve dinner but he reiterate there is none.
2. Him - In the Past
True, he is stuck in the past and cannot see the good in the present.
3. Composite
Change
Life repeats itself mindlessly, unless u become mindful, it will go on repeating like a wheel
Soul
True, we r back to square 1. Our main issue on where the rship is going.
4. Insight
Rebirth - whatever the space u r in right now - be aware that it will evolve into something new if u allow it. It is a time of growth and change.
Soul
Yes, my decision to end is correct. I m glad our ending is good. It is time for a change.
Now updating blog and saw this
Soul
Suddenly tot of me and Z. I rushed into it to overcome my unlovability. Now I want to prolong it to prove I am not unlovable.
Yea,
I now faced it my unlovability confirmed. Z said his feelings for me didn't grow, there is no intention to commit to us.
Facing it isn't as bad as I tot. I need not prolong the rship just to avoud feeling unlovable. Just face it. And while I am sad but I felt free too.
Yea, there is no should on me and Z. There is no should that we be together. There is no should that I need to be with Z in order to grow.
Result in Destiny
Nine of Diamonds
It could be an indicator of the ending of a certain kind of work that u have been doing for a long time or the ending of certain pursuit. This could be the pursuit of some financial goal, some rship or some other "thing" that is valued.
Nine of Diamond represents the end of a certain thing that we once valued and accumulated. It is a graduation from one level of values to the next. If we can learn to let go, we can experienced a feeling of freedom and exhilaration as we move to the next level in our personal development. Endings are only disappointments to those who are not conscious of what is really going on in their life and who have no faith in life or love.
Soul
Ending the pursuit on Z, the pursuit to prove that I am lovable. Ending the pursuit of career.
Amen.
Did my practices. Went for swim but road block and so I drove back. Had a good brunch with my mom and sis.
Did have some tots of Z, but I waived it off. I am looking for my happiness, I want a full time partner, not a part time one. I want a real one.
In the afternoon, tot that Z and I would be in the cinema by now. I miss him but then a tot came, only one day with him, without him will be my normal routine.
I just did a check on Osho Tarot on us. Perfect interpretation.
1. Me - Projection
True, I projected what I want to him. I tot there was an opening when he agreed for a movie and when he comes back even when I said I want him for my new year eve dinner but he reiterate there is none.
2. Him - In the Past
True, he is stuck in the past and cannot see the good in the present.
3. Composite
Change
Life repeats itself mindlessly, unless u become mindful, it will go on repeating like a wheel
Soul
True, we r back to square 1. Our main issue on where the rship is going.
4. Insight
Rebirth - whatever the space u r in right now - be aware that it will evolve into something new if u allow it. It is a time of growth and change.
Soul
Yes, my decision to end is correct. I m glad our ending is good. It is time for a change.
Now updating blog and saw this
Soul
Suddenly tot of me and Z. I rushed into it to overcome my unlovability. Now I want to prolong it to prove I am not unlovable.
Yea,
I now faced it my unlovability confirmed. Z said his feelings for me didn't grow, there is no intention to commit to us.
Facing it isn't as bad as I tot. I need not prolong the rship just to avoud feeling unlovable. Just face it. And while I am sad but I felt free too.
Yea, there is no should on me and Z. There is no should that we be together. There is no should that I need to be with Z in order to grow.
Result in Destiny
Nine of Diamonds
It could be an indicator of the ending of a certain kind of work that u have been doing for a long time or the ending of certain pursuit. This could be the pursuit of some financial goal, some rship or some other "thing" that is valued.
Nine of Diamond represents the end of a certain thing that we once valued and accumulated. It is a graduation from one level of values to the next. If we can learn to let go, we can experienced a feeling of freedom and exhilaration as we move to the next level in our personal development. Endings are only disappointments to those who are not conscious of what is really going on in their life and who have no faith in life or love.
Soul
Ending the pursuit on Z, the pursuit to prove that I am lovable. Ending the pursuit of career.
Amen.
Unplanned break up with Z
Sept 14 Eve
Father, it was totally unexpected.
We have our normal meet up. Suddenly he had a birthday dinner he cannot avoid. We had our fun. I was bit hurt that he didn't invite me to go with him but I kept it to myself. And then I took the courage to ask him until when will I be hidden. He said I have to remain unknown. He said he is not interested in commitment. He likes me but he is not ready. Also, I am the only one and he is not fooling around as he respect his body.
He said he now listen to his head, then heart and alas his body. He is now so focused on his head that he even ignored his heart. Whereas I am following heart and body but my head is in another direction. I told him my head asked me to leave him but my heart and body asked me to stay.
I was getting sad but wanting to run away. But I then remember my Osho - The Outsider card and keep my cool.
We had dinner and I brought it up again. This time I stay cool. He keep on reiterating that I have not followed our original rule of no commitment. I keep on saying I am ok and the break it again and again. I said that's true but the more time we got back together, my feelings for him grown and the fact that he continued with us despite knowing my love for him, I interpreted he has feelings for me too. I stayed because of hope. And I was so happy that he agreed for a movie date and assumed he changed. Alas he said he hasn't changed at all, he still wants the original arrangement. But I said we make it 2 years ago and I thought things changed. He said nope.
I told him that I miss him most during weekend. I am available but I cannot be with him because I am hidden. And its like today, he have a dinner but I can't join him because I am hidden.
He has lot of activities and cannot spend time alone with me. And I cannot go with him because I am hidden. So, I am not in his life.
I want him to be in my life but he cannot cos he wants to be hidden.
Suddenly I laughed at myself, the helplessness of our situation and I looked at us. How can we grow together?
Do I want to be like that? Then he said he will go for dinner and then come back to have fun with me. That of course pissed me off. At times, his choice of words is hurtful and he doesn't realised it.
Suddenly it dawned on me, this is not what I want. This rship doesn't make me happy. It is going nowhere. I know no point for us to spend the night together. It has ended. My face changed and he immediately said he knew I want to leave. I told him yes, it is pointless for us to continue.
(Sept 29 - why does he always think I am ready to leave? Guess thats like me on auto, he will reject me)
He took a shower and I packed and waited. Then we checked out. He was waiting for me at the car park and tried to strike a conversation about my new car. He said he hope I am not hurt. I told him no worries, he didn't do anything. I gave him a hug and drive off.
Now at home, updating my blog.
Father, thank U for everything. I didn't plan for us to end but it just happens. His friend's birthday dinner is a blessing in disguise. I am leaving because it no longer makes him happy.
I have open the door and walked out. I am looking for my happiness. I will love again. Alas, a good break up. That's how we should be.
Ruling Card in Venus
Five of Hearts
It is a divorce cards and it is likely that u will have some sort of separation from love ones.
Soul
Alas it is true. I really didn't expect us to break up today.
Both of us on Four. Me, Four of Hearts, knowing what I value. He, Four of Spades - no change. No wonder.
Father, I am alone. I am not sure if I can ever be in a loving rship. But I don't want to be sad. Sadhguru says whatever I accept, I be happy.
I am still lovable. Amen.
Father, it was totally unexpected.
We have our normal meet up. Suddenly he had a birthday dinner he cannot avoid. We had our fun. I was bit hurt that he didn't invite me to go with him but I kept it to myself. And then I took the courage to ask him until when will I be hidden. He said I have to remain unknown. He said he is not interested in commitment. He likes me but he is not ready. Also, I am the only one and he is not fooling around as he respect his body.
He said he now listen to his head, then heart and alas his body. He is now so focused on his head that he even ignored his heart. Whereas I am following heart and body but my head is in another direction. I told him my head asked me to leave him but my heart and body asked me to stay.
I was getting sad but wanting to run away. But I then remember my Osho - The Outsider card and keep my cool.
We had dinner and I brought it up again. This time I stay cool. He keep on reiterating that I have not followed our original rule of no commitment. I keep on saying I am ok and the break it again and again. I said that's true but the more time we got back together, my feelings for him grown and the fact that he continued with us despite knowing my love for him, I interpreted he has feelings for me too. I stayed because of hope. And I was so happy that he agreed for a movie date and assumed he changed. Alas he said he hasn't changed at all, he still wants the original arrangement. But I said we make it 2 years ago and I thought things changed. He said nope.
I told him that I miss him most during weekend. I am available but I cannot be with him because I am hidden. And its like today, he have a dinner but I can't join him because I am hidden.
He has lot of activities and cannot spend time alone with me. And I cannot go with him because I am hidden. So, I am not in his life.
I want him to be in my life but he cannot cos he wants to be hidden.
Suddenly I laughed at myself, the helplessness of our situation and I looked at us. How can we grow together?
Do I want to be like that? Then he said he will go for dinner and then come back to have fun with me. That of course pissed me off. At times, his choice of words is hurtful and he doesn't realised it.
Suddenly it dawned on me, this is not what I want. This rship doesn't make me happy. It is going nowhere. I know no point for us to spend the night together. It has ended. My face changed and he immediately said he knew I want to leave. I told him yes, it is pointless for us to continue.
(Sept 29 - why does he always think I am ready to leave? Guess thats like me on auto, he will reject me)
He took a shower and I packed and waited. Then we checked out. He was waiting for me at the car park and tried to strike a conversation about my new car. He said he hope I am not hurt. I told him no worries, he didn't do anything. I gave him a hug and drive off.
Now at home, updating my blog.
Father, thank U for everything. I didn't plan for us to end but it just happens. His friend's birthday dinner is a blessing in disguise. I am leaving because it no longer makes him happy.
I have open the door and walked out. I am looking for my happiness. I will love again. Alas, a good break up. That's how we should be.
Ruling Card in Venus
Five of Hearts
It is a divorce cards and it is likely that u will have some sort of separation from love ones.
Soul
Alas it is true. I really didn't expect us to break up today.
Both of us on Four. Me, Four of Hearts, knowing what I value. He, Four of Spades - no change. No wonder.
Father, I am alone. I am not sure if I can ever be in a loving rship. But I don't want to be sad. Sadhguru says whatever I accept, I be happy.
I am still lovable. Amen.
Opposites attracts
Sept 13 Eve
Osho
Energy is created by the friction of the opposite.
Life cannot exist even for a single moment without its opposite because it depends on the opposite.
There is great attraction between man and woman for the simple reason they r mysterious to each other. The same thing creates conflict and the same thing creates attraction.
The farther away they are, the greater the distance between them, the more attraction between them.
Soul
Mmm..Z and I are definitely opposites...I am into mental plane and he is into physical. I am into well-being and he is into wealth. I am into following my heart and he is into following his mind.
I like to explore and analyse and reads...he doesn't..he thinks he already knows.
Osho
Ur experience will be far more rich if u can find Tao in dance and in stillness.
Soul
I have found him through both ways, movement and stillness.
Osho
Energy is created by the friction of the opposite.
Life cannot exist even for a single moment without its opposite because it depends on the opposite.
There is great attraction between man and woman for the simple reason they r mysterious to each other. The same thing creates conflict and the same thing creates attraction.
The farther away they are, the greater the distance between them, the more attraction between them.
Soul
Mmm..Z and I are definitely opposites...I am into mental plane and he is into physical. I am into well-being and he is into wealth. I am into following my heart and he is into following his mind.
I like to explore and analyse and reads...he doesn't..he thinks he already knows.
Osho
Ur experience will be far more rich if u can find Tao in dance and in stillness.
Soul
I have found him through both ways, movement and stillness.
Doing time or doing life?
Sept 13 Aft
Father, I love U.
Staying OK
Staying OK means taking charge of ur life, and taking charge of ur life means taking charge of ur time.
Most of us, until we feel that tight turn of the screw called the midlife crisis, don't pay much attention to time, for our illusion is we will live forever.
William Sloane Coffin said, "There are 2 ways to be rich; one is to have a lot of money, the other is to have few needs".
Most of us does not know how to use time deliberately. In our early years, most of our times were structured for us by parents, teachers, professors, job-placement bureaus, bosses, spouses, then children. Not many people make a want list early in life and set about making their dreams come true. Most of us are far down the path before we stop and smell the roses.
Will u do time or do life? The answer depends on whether or not u own ur life, treasure it and plan its use.
Soul
Father, I am stopping now.
Now I know why King of Spades in Ruling - Long Range
King of Spades (Mastery over one's environment and one's self)
This is likely to be a hallmark year for you, one in which u can accomplish most anything u set ur mind to. It is highly recommended that u set high goals for urself this year to take advantage of this once, or at most twice, in a lifetime influence
The King of Spades is considered the most powerful card in the deck as far as material mastery and accomplishment is concerned. All legal and work matters should go ur way and u can proceed with confidence in any direction u choose.
To get the most from this influence, find an area where u can take responsibility, and assume the role of leader in some way. The sky is the limit. U can master new or existing situations, given the highest gift of mastery possible. Use it wisely.
It should be mentioned here that the power and success indicated by this card will only manifest itself to those who are ready and willing to also assume the responsibility that is implied here. For eg, u would have to be a leader of some sort or have ur own business to get the most of out of this powerful card.
Yea, just focus on my dream.
I have acted on Z, my 3 days work and next will be writing.
Staying OK
The best model for time-structuring is ur heart. The heart works one-third of the time and rests two-thirds. Faithfully it does its unerring job from birth until our final day.
Were we to follow our hearts, we would divide 24 hours into 3 segments
1. Working 8 hours
2. Sleeping 8 hours
3. 8 hours for life-renewing activities.
What a revolutionary change would come over us individually and as a society if we followed our hearts.
Soul
This is so great. Father, thank u so much. I am embarking on such self time that involves my meditation, writing, swimming and hata yoga and just drinking coffee.
Staying OK
Taking charge of our time involves decisions. Even if we are living with impossible pressures based on past decisions not well thought out, we still have options.
If we think we don't, we must make them, for the alternative may kill us.
The Latin word for anguish, which certainly attends severe time pressure is angustia, meaning narrowness or tightness. Sometimes our narrowness is the real crowding of demands upon us, but sometimes is narrowness of thinking.
One way we can gain time is to eliminate time waster, those things we do that produce no enjoyment, only worry.
Time waster
1. Things
2. Confusion in our mind, indecisions
3. U can't say No
4. U don't know how to interrupt. U too polite.
5. Dulling sensation - alcohol
6. Television
7. Use prime time for second rate tasks
8. Untimeliness
9. A perfectly clean house
10. Worrying about aging.
11. Staying up late
Father, I love U.
Staying OK
Staying OK means taking charge of ur life, and taking charge of ur life means taking charge of ur time.
Most of us, until we feel that tight turn of the screw called the midlife crisis, don't pay much attention to time, for our illusion is we will live forever.
William Sloane Coffin said, "There are 2 ways to be rich; one is to have a lot of money, the other is to have few needs".
Most of us does not know how to use time deliberately. In our early years, most of our times were structured for us by parents, teachers, professors, job-placement bureaus, bosses, spouses, then children. Not many people make a want list early in life and set about making their dreams come true. Most of us are far down the path before we stop and smell the roses.
Will u do time or do life? The answer depends on whether or not u own ur life, treasure it and plan its use.
Soul
Father, I am stopping now.
Now I know why King of Spades in Ruling - Long Range
King of Spades (Mastery over one's environment and one's self)
This is likely to be a hallmark year for you, one in which u can accomplish most anything u set ur mind to. It is highly recommended that u set high goals for urself this year to take advantage of this once, or at most twice, in a lifetime influence
The King of Spades is considered the most powerful card in the deck as far as material mastery and accomplishment is concerned. All legal and work matters should go ur way and u can proceed with confidence in any direction u choose.
To get the most from this influence, find an area where u can take responsibility, and assume the role of leader in some way. The sky is the limit. U can master new or existing situations, given the highest gift of mastery possible. Use it wisely.
It should be mentioned here that the power and success indicated by this card will only manifest itself to those who are ready and willing to also assume the responsibility that is implied here. For eg, u would have to be a leader of some sort or have ur own business to get the most of out of this powerful card.
Yea, just focus on my dream.
I have acted on Z, my 3 days work and next will be writing.
Staying OK
The best model for time-structuring is ur heart. The heart works one-third of the time and rests two-thirds. Faithfully it does its unerring job from birth until our final day.
Were we to follow our hearts, we would divide 24 hours into 3 segments
1. Working 8 hours
2. Sleeping 8 hours
3. 8 hours for life-renewing activities.
What a revolutionary change would come over us individually and as a society if we followed our hearts.
Soul
This is so great. Father, thank u so much. I am embarking on such self time that involves my meditation, writing, swimming and hata yoga and just drinking coffee.
Staying OK
Taking charge of our time involves decisions. Even if we are living with impossible pressures based on past decisions not well thought out, we still have options.
If we think we don't, we must make them, for the alternative may kill us.
The Latin word for anguish, which certainly attends severe time pressure is angustia, meaning narrowness or tightness. Sometimes our narrowness is the real crowding of demands upon us, but sometimes is narrowness of thinking.
One way we can gain time is to eliminate time waster, those things we do that produce no enjoyment, only worry.
Time waster
1. Things
2. Confusion in our mind, indecisions
3. U can't say No
4. U don't know how to interrupt. U too polite.
5. Dulling sensation - alcohol
6. Television
7. Use prime time for second rate tasks
8. Untimeliness
9. A perfectly clean house
10. Worrying about aging.
11. Staying up late
Handling Parent in others
Sept 13
Father, woke up 5.20 am. Was feeling tired. Anyway, still do my practices. Guru pooja and breathing not good. Shakti was ok but shambavi was good. I went in deep.
Mmm, tot of samyama. We r having the IE in end OCt and samyama starts 1 Nov. Timing not so good. Also, my preference would be for hata.
On Z, finally it dawn on me that he doesn't want to be reached to everyone, that's why mobile is off. So, me, I am fine with that...need not take it personally.
Staying OK
Parent does not think. Like the time operator, it is a recording. It neither listen nor think.
We usually recognise a Parent when we run into one, mostly because of the oppression we feel.
Physical - frowning, pursed lips, the pointing index finger, head wagging, the "horrified look", foot tapping
Verbal - I am going to put a stop to this once and for all; I can't for the life of me ... If I were u...Always and never are usually parent words which reveal the limitations of an archaic system closed to new data.
Parent shrinking
1. Cross the transaction.
Adult response to a Parent putdown or tirade might be, "I can see u feel strongly about that. Would u care to tell me how u arrived at that conclusion?"
If the Parent persist, another response is: "It would be helpful to me if u would let me know what it is u plan to do". The Parent is good at talking but action is something else. He will either back down, leave or engage his Adult, since thinking and time are required for action
2. Agree.
Sometimes u might find a point of agreement with a Parent person, even though u feel that much of what he says is off bae. If u can fish out that one point, and respond favourably to it, he may lose his desire to hassle over the other nineteen points.
3. Go off on a tangent.
This may be risky but can work in getting the other person out of his Parent.
4. Cheers
When a Parent has made an impassioned statement about some issue, draw him out. "That marvelous! U really put ur words to that one. I wish everyone has ur enthusiasm.
5. Silence.
A puzzled or intrigued stare with a friendly crinkling at the corner of the mouth.
Soul
That's what I do to SL. Alas, now I realised her mode is generally Parent. No wonder she likes to chastised me. Even the issue with E, she supported him and not me cos E was acting from Parent too.
Staying OK
6. Move in
Walk closer to them. They will back off
7. Change ur mind, if u mean it. If u r being criticised because of something u said six months ago...declare u have given ur statement a tot and believe it is not the best approach at all and u appreciate the Parent's view Then ask for his approach. The Parent is often critical of someone else's idea. It takes the Adult to come up with a better idea.
Soul
Just like yday she said I didn't manage E well. I said yea, true and perhaps she would learn to manage E better. Suddenly she stop.
8. Could u please state that another way.
"I want to be sure I followed ur thinking correctly so I don't misunderstand ur meaning - could u please state it again.
9. Write it down.
"What was that again!?". Hold on a minute.
10. Find his Child and feed it.
11. Be OK
Self esteem is the requirement to make any of the foregoing effective. It is a tall order for most of us and requires that we daily replenish our inner resources through meditation or regularly being in the company of people who value us.
Soul
Sl definitely doesn't value me. When I said I got back with Z, instead of congrats, she said I haven't deal with my issue on openness yet. Another criticism. I am glad I had this chance with her, to work thru my past.
Staying OK
Parent types like to move in whenever there is a sign of perturbation. If it isn't with criticism, it may well be nurturing.
Sometimes this is pleasant, sometimes it isn't. A "there there" can be every discomfiting as a "here here".
Some Parent are like ambulances chasers, eager to be in on the excitement, help out, give advice, take charge, even when it's morbid. Sharing ur problem with disaster addicts will not make u feel better. Sharing ur problems with thinking and feeling people will.
Soul
SL really is highly Parent. I got both Parent from her, mostly criticism. Nurturing comes in when she knows I m in pain due to RA or when I m sad due to Z. When I m down, I didn't like her nurturing cos I was not that sad...and I find bit discomfiting on who is she to comfort me, when I didn't ask for it.
Amen, now past issue or karma with SL is cleared.
Ace of Clubs
A birth of a new of communicating with the world around u.
Soul
Very true. I can handle Child but I had issues with Parent and Sl has max Parent. I finally saw it. Amen.
Father, woke up 5.20 am. Was feeling tired. Anyway, still do my practices. Guru pooja and breathing not good. Shakti was ok but shambavi was good. I went in deep.
Mmm, tot of samyama. We r having the IE in end OCt and samyama starts 1 Nov. Timing not so good. Also, my preference would be for hata.
On Z, finally it dawn on me that he doesn't want to be reached to everyone, that's why mobile is off. So, me, I am fine with that...need not take it personally.
Staying OK
Parent does not think. Like the time operator, it is a recording. It neither listen nor think.
We usually recognise a Parent when we run into one, mostly because of the oppression we feel.
Physical - frowning, pursed lips, the pointing index finger, head wagging, the "horrified look", foot tapping
Verbal - I am going to put a stop to this once and for all; I can't for the life of me ... If I were u...Always and never are usually parent words which reveal the limitations of an archaic system closed to new data.
Parent shrinking
1. Cross the transaction.
Adult response to a Parent putdown or tirade might be, "I can see u feel strongly about that. Would u care to tell me how u arrived at that conclusion?"
If the Parent persist, another response is: "It would be helpful to me if u would let me know what it is u plan to do". The Parent is good at talking but action is something else. He will either back down, leave or engage his Adult, since thinking and time are required for action
2. Agree.
Sometimes u might find a point of agreement with a Parent person, even though u feel that much of what he says is off bae. If u can fish out that one point, and respond favourably to it, he may lose his desire to hassle over the other nineteen points.
3. Go off on a tangent.
This may be risky but can work in getting the other person out of his Parent.
4. Cheers
When a Parent has made an impassioned statement about some issue, draw him out. "That marvelous! U really put ur words to that one. I wish everyone has ur enthusiasm.
5. Silence.
A puzzled or intrigued stare with a friendly crinkling at the corner of the mouth.
Soul
That's what I do to SL. Alas, now I realised her mode is generally Parent. No wonder she likes to chastised me. Even the issue with E, she supported him and not me cos E was acting from Parent too.
Staying OK
6. Move in
Walk closer to them. They will back off
7. Change ur mind, if u mean it. If u r being criticised because of something u said six months ago...declare u have given ur statement a tot and believe it is not the best approach at all and u appreciate the Parent's view Then ask for his approach. The Parent is often critical of someone else's idea. It takes the Adult to come up with a better idea.
Soul
Just like yday she said I didn't manage E well. I said yea, true and perhaps she would learn to manage E better. Suddenly she stop.
8. Could u please state that another way.
"I want to be sure I followed ur thinking correctly so I don't misunderstand ur meaning - could u please state it again.
9. Write it down.
"What was that again!?". Hold on a minute.
10. Find his Child and feed it.
11. Be OK
Self esteem is the requirement to make any of the foregoing effective. It is a tall order for most of us and requires that we daily replenish our inner resources through meditation or regularly being in the company of people who value us.
Soul
Sl definitely doesn't value me. When I said I got back with Z, instead of congrats, she said I haven't deal with my issue on openness yet. Another criticism. I am glad I had this chance with her, to work thru my past.
Staying OK
Parent types like to move in whenever there is a sign of perturbation. If it isn't with criticism, it may well be nurturing.
Sometimes this is pleasant, sometimes it isn't. A "there there" can be every discomfiting as a "here here".
Some Parent are like ambulances chasers, eager to be in on the excitement, help out, give advice, take charge, even when it's morbid. Sharing ur problem with disaster addicts will not make u feel better. Sharing ur problems with thinking and feeling people will.
Soul
SL really is highly Parent. I got both Parent from her, mostly criticism. Nurturing comes in when she knows I m in pain due to RA or when I m sad due to Z. When I m down, I didn't like her nurturing cos I was not that sad...and I find bit discomfiting on who is she to comfort me, when I didn't ask for it.
Amen, now past issue or karma with SL is cleared.
Ace of Clubs
A birth of a new of communicating with the world around u.
Soul
Very true. I can handle Child but I had issues with Parent and Sl has max Parent. I finally saw it. Amen.
Staying OK
Sept 12 Aft
Father, I really can see Sl. I know she is fearing of uncertainty. She is good in her job but her fear of uncertainty makes her communication quite bad. Instead of seeking information, she would say bad things to make people feel guilty. Anyway, I had enough and hang up.
(Sep 29 - Later that day she called me and told me that she was feeling angry with her ex-boss and took it out on me.)
Staying OK
Persecutor - Victim - Rescuer ; a destructive game.
Happiness is a form of courage - Holbrook Jackson.
However, courage must be accompanies by rethinking early childhood decisions about how one reacts to persecution. A child cannot leave mother. A grownup can.
The art of saying no, the "I m OK - U r OK" way is to do everything possible to avoid hurting the Child in another person at the same time u r looking after urs.
Father, I really can see Sl. I know she is fearing of uncertainty. She is good in her job but her fear of uncertainty makes her communication quite bad. Instead of seeking information, she would say bad things to make people feel guilty. Anyway, I had enough and hang up.
(Sep 29 - Later that day she called me and told me that she was feeling angry with her ex-boss and took it out on me.)
Staying OK
Persecutor - Victim - Rescuer ; a destructive game.
Happiness is a form of courage - Holbrook Jackson.
However, courage must be accompanies by rethinking early childhood decisions about how one reacts to persecution. A child cannot leave mother. A grownup can.
The art of saying no, the "I m OK - U r OK" way is to do everything possible to avoid hurting the Child in another person at the same time u r looking after urs.
Being total in rship with Z
Sept 12
Father, I woke up at 4 am because of the rain. I slept back and woke up at 5.20 am when the alarm rang. I had a dream too and was feeling groggy.
But a tot came to me, Totality, the Insight of my rship with Z and also in my Issue card this week. What does it means? Then a click, on my Queen of Cloud - too much in the mind card and it occur to me that I was having misgivings and doubt.
I should be glad Z responded to my invite and here I was dilly dallying because of my own fears of future and past. I need to be Total in pursuing my rship with Z.
My short term dream during Shakti was to have Z in my new year eve family dinner. I love him and I want him. So, why the doubts? Why hesitate when I am to be going forward!
I did my practices and I went in deep despite my grogginess. When I am done by 7 am, I msg Z for meetup this Friday.
He replied at 8 am when he woke up. I also asked for a movie date cos all my memories of us seems to be focused in bed. He said ok and I gave him a smile. Father, he just want me to be happy. Whenever he do something and I am happy, I will inform him. He just want to be appreciated. (Sept 29 - I am not sure why..everytime I asked for something..he said I am 'complaining')
I also recalled the First House card, me giving him independence. It is true, whenever Z wants to be close, I tend to back off. Well, no more. I now know it is difficult for him to open up and if I back off, not sure when he can open.
Alas, now I know our lesson: Go with the Flow.
I also recalled my Three of Club in Venus.
Ruling Card in Venus
Five of Hearts
It is a divorce cards and it is likely that u will have some sort of separation from love ones.
Ace of Clubs
Birth of new idea, plan or way of communicating with the world around u. To pursue some new plans u made.
Soul
Yea, I am moving away from the old rship. I am setting new terms with Z. I also found a new way to communicate with Z. He is the type that wants to be of 'Provider'. He likes to me be happy because of him. So, I now tell him I am happy with him.
Destiny
Three of Clubs
Mental creativity or writer card
Indecision about love and friendships is the major influence. See if it isn't ur own fickleness and indecision that is the root cause of any disappointments with friendships.
King of Heart
Emotional power, charm and the ability to master ur emotions and affections. Used for success in any personal or professional relationship. For women, this card often means a new romantic partner and one that is very fulfilling.
Soul
Yea, it was my indecision that causes bottleneck in my rship with Z. I now decide to be Total with him.
My issue was Three of Clubs in Venus - indecision over fear of not having enough.
Well, Z is enough for me.
Five of Spades
It means a change of the things u do day in and day out.
Soul
Definitely changing my rship with Z and changed my communication mode with Z.
Father, I woke up at 4 am because of the rain. I slept back and woke up at 5.20 am when the alarm rang. I had a dream too and was feeling groggy.
But a tot came to me, Totality, the Insight of my rship with Z and also in my Issue card this week. What does it means? Then a click, on my Queen of Cloud - too much in the mind card and it occur to me that I was having misgivings and doubt.
I should be glad Z responded to my invite and here I was dilly dallying because of my own fears of future and past. I need to be Total in pursuing my rship with Z.
My short term dream during Shakti was to have Z in my new year eve family dinner. I love him and I want him. So, why the doubts? Why hesitate when I am to be going forward!
I did my practices and I went in deep despite my grogginess. When I am done by 7 am, I msg Z for meetup this Friday.
He replied at 8 am when he woke up. I also asked for a movie date cos all my memories of us seems to be focused in bed. He said ok and I gave him a smile. Father, he just want me to be happy. Whenever he do something and I am happy, I will inform him. He just want to be appreciated. (Sept 29 - I am not sure why..everytime I asked for something..he said I am 'complaining')
I also recalled the First House card, me giving him independence. It is true, whenever Z wants to be close, I tend to back off. Well, no more. I now know it is difficult for him to open up and if I back off, not sure when he can open.
Alas, now I know our lesson: Go with the Flow.
I also recalled my Three of Club in Venus.
Ruling Card in Venus
Five of Hearts
It is a divorce cards and it is likely that u will have some sort of separation from love ones.
Ace of Clubs
Birth of new idea, plan or way of communicating with the world around u. To pursue some new plans u made.
Soul
Yea, I am moving away from the old rship. I am setting new terms with Z. I also found a new way to communicate with Z. He is the type that wants to be of 'Provider'. He likes to me be happy because of him. So, I now tell him I am happy with him.
Destiny
Three of Clubs
Mental creativity or writer card
Indecision about love and friendships is the major influence. See if it isn't ur own fickleness and indecision that is the root cause of any disappointments with friendships.
King of Heart
Emotional power, charm and the ability to master ur emotions and affections. Used for success in any personal or professional relationship. For women, this card often means a new romantic partner and one that is very fulfilling.
Soul
Yea, it was my indecision that causes bottleneck in my rship with Z. I now decide to be Total with him.
My issue was Three of Clubs in Venus - indecision over fear of not having enough.
Well, Z is enough for me.
Five of Spades
It means a change of the things u do day in and day out.
Soul
Definitely changing my rship with Z and changed my communication mode with Z.
Yeap..not ending yet..
Sept 11 Eve
I was surprised that Z reverted on the trip. He proposed earlier cos he is off to oversea for 2 weeks. Well, may be good. We both don't see each other for another month. That be about 3 months.
I am real tired. I don't have energy. When I do meditation, joy and peace comes. But after that, not sure where the energy went. Another one and half weeks to go.
I also don't want to call Z. Too many times of missed calls that is not returned. And I was the one who always call him. Tired. Like I said, it be easier for me to move on and if we end now, it be fine for me. I love him but the bad memories lingers on and he also has his own issue to handles, so I am not hopeful.
I do need a spa treatment to rejunevate myself. Mmm, if not Vietnam, maybe local resort. Or maybe just go to the CJ and relax on my own.
Osho
Discipline has to be effortless; it has to be out of sheer understanding. Repression has nothing to do with understanding or learning.
Discipline mans the art of learning. One has to be awake, on then can one learn. One has to watch all that goes on happening around u and one has to deepen this watchfulness so that u can see even the inner processes of ur body, mind and heart.
U have to become a mirror. U have to witness everything within urself, then only do u learn from it, and that learning brings discipline. Then a deep harmony arises in u, because whatsoever is wrong starts falling away from u of its own accord. U r not to drop it. If u have to drop it through effort, then it is repression.
And once u repress anything, the energy that is being repressed starts turning sour into u. The same energy that would have become a flower becomes a thorn. The same energy that would have helped u to grow become stagnant, start stinking.
Energy needs to remain in flowing state; repression makes ur life stagnant.
Express urself. Existence is God's expression - that's what creativity is all about. Express urself, don't condemn anything. Nothing is wrong with u; all that is is beautiful. It may need transformation, but it is not wrong. It has not to be dropped, it has to be transformed. And transformation happens thru discipline; discipline comes through meditation. Become more aware, watchful. But don't carry conclusions.
Soul
Yea, I am judging myself for loving Z without boundary. For being egoless, for being forgiving, for always contacting him. I feel small and so I stop.
I was surprised that Z reverted on the trip. He proposed earlier cos he is off to oversea for 2 weeks. Well, may be good. We both don't see each other for another month. That be about 3 months.
I am real tired. I don't have energy. When I do meditation, joy and peace comes. But after that, not sure where the energy went. Another one and half weeks to go.
I also don't want to call Z. Too many times of missed calls that is not returned. And I was the one who always call him. Tired. Like I said, it be easier for me to move on and if we end now, it be fine for me. I love him but the bad memories lingers on and he also has his own issue to handles, so I am not hopeful.
I do need a spa treatment to rejunevate myself. Mmm, if not Vietnam, maybe local resort. Or maybe just go to the CJ and relax on my own.
Osho
Discipline has to be effortless; it has to be out of sheer understanding. Repression has nothing to do with understanding or learning.
Discipline mans the art of learning. One has to be awake, on then can one learn. One has to watch all that goes on happening around u and one has to deepen this watchfulness so that u can see even the inner processes of ur body, mind and heart.
U have to become a mirror. U have to witness everything within urself, then only do u learn from it, and that learning brings discipline. Then a deep harmony arises in u, because whatsoever is wrong starts falling away from u of its own accord. U r not to drop it. If u have to drop it through effort, then it is repression.
And once u repress anything, the energy that is being repressed starts turning sour into u. The same energy that would have become a flower becomes a thorn. The same energy that would have helped u to grow become stagnant, start stinking.
Energy needs to remain in flowing state; repression makes ur life stagnant.
Express urself. Existence is God's expression - that's what creativity is all about. Express urself, don't condemn anything. Nothing is wrong with u; all that is is beautiful. It may need transformation, but it is not wrong. It has not to be dropped, it has to be transformed. And transformation happens thru discipline; discipline comes through meditation. Become more aware, watchful. But don't carry conclusions.
Soul
Yea, I am judging myself for loving Z without boundary. For being egoless, for being forgiving, for always contacting him. I feel small and so I stop.
Hoping to move on from Z...but alas not yet
Sept 11 Aft
Father, I just did my shoonya. So beautiful. I was laughing throughout. I was happy that Z and I now come to a finale. I have send an invite and when he don't respond due to fear, I can safely move on.
We both come to a good place, a good ending.
(Sept 29 - alas...I am still vacillating, I am now in Three of Clubs in Venus..in-decision. Today I even checked my Osho tarot card on our rship...I guess I miss him and I wanted him back. But the bigger part of me said no. So ironic, I got a Schizophrenia card...stuck in between 2 hard places..don't know which way to turn)
Did my Rship card with him and got this.
1. Me
Morality
The Queen of Cloud lurks in the minds of all of us who have been brought up with rigid ideas of good and bad, sinful and virtuous, acceptable and unacceptable, moral and immoral.
Remember that all these judgments of the mind are just products of our conditioning. And whether our judgements are applied to ourselves or to others, they keep us from experiencing the beauty and godliness that lies within.
Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts can we begin to see life as it really is.
Soul
True, I was in my mind since yesterday afternoon once Z got back into my life. It is easier for me to move on. Anyway, comparison and etc was made. So much in my mind until the I was getting tired and only stopped when suddenly awareness of the flower branches comes to my view. Then I laughed at myself. Just be lah.
2. Z
The Outsider
The small child in this card is standing on one side of a gate, looking through it. He is so small and so convinced he cannot get through, he cannot see that the chain holding the gate is not locked; all he has to do is open it. Feeling like a small, helpless child.
U now have an opportunity to stop the tape, to quit tormenting urself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past, and let go of the old pain. It will bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
3. The Composite Energy
Laziness
The msg this card brings is that this poolside resort is not ur final destination. The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show. Ur complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now it's time to move on. No matter how fuzzy the slippers, how tasty the pina colada, there are skies upon skies waiting to be explored.
Soul
I tot it was the ending. And moving on is easier than continuation.
4. The Insight
Totality
Every moment, there is a possibility to be total. Whatsoever u r doing, be absorbed in it so utterly that the mind thinks nothing, is just there, is just a presence. And more and more totality is coming.
And try to see when u r not total. Those are the moments which have to be dropped slowly, slowly. When u r not total, whenever u r in the head - thinking, brooding, calculating, cunning, clever -- u r not total.
It is just an old habit. Habits die hard. But they die certainly -- if one persists, they die.
Osho
1. Issue
Totality
Soul
Same card as above. Looks like I been in my heard.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
The Rebel
The Rebel has formed himself by embracing all the colours of the rainbow, emerging from the dark and formless roots of his unconscious past and growing wings to fly into the sky.
His way of being is rebellious - not because he is fighting against anybody or anything, but because he has discovered his own true nature and is determined to live in accordance with it.
The Rebel challenges us to be courageous enough to take responsibility for who we are and to live our truth.
Soul
Amen.
3. External influence
Suppression
It is essential to release whatever tensions and stresses that might be building up inside u right now. Do anything to shake up ur energy and allow it to circulate freely.
Soul
Yea, suppressed my want of Z. Suppressed my need to leave new company.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Rebirth
Whatever the space u r in right now - sleepy and depressed or roaring and rebellious - be aware that it will evolve into something new if u allow it. It is a time of growth and change.
Soul
For the first time I see the fear in Z and I can emphatise in him. I am not sure if he can come out but at least I don't want to stay in my own fear too.
5. Resolution
Ice-olation
Father, I just did my shoonya. So beautiful. I was laughing throughout. I was happy that Z and I now come to a finale. I have send an invite and when he don't respond due to fear, I can safely move on.
We both come to a good place, a good ending.
(Sept 29 - alas...I am still vacillating, I am now in Three of Clubs in Venus..in-decision. Today I even checked my Osho tarot card on our rship...I guess I miss him and I wanted him back. But the bigger part of me said no. So ironic, I got a Schizophrenia card...stuck in between 2 hard places..don't know which way to turn)
Did my Rship card with him and got this.
1. Me
Morality
The Queen of Cloud lurks in the minds of all of us who have been brought up with rigid ideas of good and bad, sinful and virtuous, acceptable and unacceptable, moral and immoral.
Remember that all these judgments of the mind are just products of our conditioning. And whether our judgements are applied to ourselves or to others, they keep us from experiencing the beauty and godliness that lies within.
Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts can we begin to see life as it really is.
Soul
True, I was in my mind since yesterday afternoon once Z got back into my life. It is easier for me to move on. Anyway, comparison and etc was made. So much in my mind until the I was getting tired and only stopped when suddenly awareness of the flower branches comes to my view. Then I laughed at myself. Just be lah.
2. Z
The Outsider
The small child in this card is standing on one side of a gate, looking through it. He is so small and so convinced he cannot get through, he cannot see that the chain holding the gate is not locked; all he has to do is open it. Feeling like a small, helpless child.
U now have an opportunity to stop the tape, to quit tormenting urself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past, and let go of the old pain. It will bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
3. The Composite Energy
Laziness
The msg this card brings is that this poolside resort is not ur final destination. The journey isn't over yet, as that white bird flying into the vastness of the sky is trying to show. Ur complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now it's time to move on. No matter how fuzzy the slippers, how tasty the pina colada, there are skies upon skies waiting to be explored.
Soul
I tot it was the ending. And moving on is easier than continuation.
4. The Insight
Totality
Every moment, there is a possibility to be total. Whatsoever u r doing, be absorbed in it so utterly that the mind thinks nothing, is just there, is just a presence. And more and more totality is coming.
And try to see when u r not total. Those are the moments which have to be dropped slowly, slowly. When u r not total, whenever u r in the head - thinking, brooding, calculating, cunning, clever -- u r not total.
It is just an old habit. Habits die hard. But they die certainly -- if one persists, they die.
Osho
1. Issue
Totality
Soul
Same card as above. Looks like I been in my heard.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
The Rebel
The Rebel has formed himself by embracing all the colours of the rainbow, emerging from the dark and formless roots of his unconscious past and growing wings to fly into the sky.
His way of being is rebellious - not because he is fighting against anybody or anything, but because he has discovered his own true nature and is determined to live in accordance with it.
The Rebel challenges us to be courageous enough to take responsibility for who we are and to live our truth.
Soul
Amen.
3. External influence
Suppression
It is essential to release whatever tensions and stresses that might be building up inside u right now. Do anything to shake up ur energy and allow it to circulate freely.
Soul
Yea, suppressed my want of Z. Suppressed my need to leave new company.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Rebirth
Whatever the space u r in right now - sleepy and depressed or roaring and rebellious - be aware that it will evolve into something new if u allow it. It is a time of growth and change.
Soul
For the first time I see the fear in Z and I can emphatise in him. I am not sure if he can come out but at least I don't want to stay in my own fear too.
5. Resolution
Ice-olation
Courage to ask for what I want from Z
Sept 11
Woke up 4.10 am, waiting for alarm. I deliberately slept earlier yesterday so I can do hata. Got up at 4.20 am when alarm rang. Mind still reluctant but I just do it. First 2 cycle was stiff, but third cycle onward was ok and I was laughing by sixth cycle and by ten cycle I can feel the subtle body and it is quite pleasurable.
Had tots of Z when I was driving to work, don't know where we are heading. He seems to go into hibernation whenever I said I want commitment. Not sure how we can progress further. Part of me fear he goes away again. Then a tot arise, he came back even after u said u wanted commitment. Tots was browsing. Then suddenly I saw the flower branches and my mind stopped. I laughed, so much drama in my mind. One thing for sure, is that I want him to be at my family dinner this new year eve. And that's what I wished for during shakti meditation. And dilemma and avoiding him isn't going to get me there. So, I decided to invite him to our 3 days 2 night trip at the resort. And I can clear my queries with him there instead of going thru the dilemma on my own. Just sent him the msg.
I love him and we are going forward. This time I will ask for what I want. Nothing to lose.
Staying OK
Small change, sustained, is more certain to produce different outcomes in life's transactions than the dramatic emergence of a "new you". In flying a plane, as little as a five degree change in heading will make a significant difference in the total outcome of the journey.
Although a change in thinking precedes a change in behaviour, it is changed behaviour that counts. Action, not thinking alone, is what produces a new set of recordings, grow boutons, whose altered firing patterns sustain change.
1. The difference I want
2. How far do I want to go?
3. Gain and loss
4. What will I do differently?
Change produces loss as well as gain. If the loss is not anticipated, and consequences are uncomfortable, we may feel our decision to change was wrong.
Change in ourselves may be disruptive to others. That is why it is important to talk about our intentions with those we love, so our change does not become a threat to them.
Often we feel the loss before we feel the gain. We must therefore, keep our goal in sight so that a momentary dip in our self-confidence does not cause us to scrap our program.
Soul
He read my msg, no answer yet. Yea, right move. If he says no, then I can move on. If he says yes, then progress. I realised with him, don't use mind. Just go with the flow. On the resort, I can go on my own too.
Staying OK
Everything costs.
If we want more freedom, we will have to accept more responsibility.
Record ur gains. The Child likes to see progress. Keeping records of the important changes in our life not only show us what we did but spurs us on with the proof we can.
Keep ur current want list handy. Carry it with u as an ever-present reminder of ur life plan.
Soul
Yea, go thru Top 5 again.
Staying OK
One and Only, None and Lonely
Relying on one person to fill all of one's emotional needs is a setup for failure.
Initial closeness begins to feel the strain of carefulness. If u mean everything to me, I dare not offend u. It is hard to be real with someone u need that much. With amazing speed, the configuration of the rship changes to an A-frame, both persons leaning on each other for dear life, but not close. Boredom sets in also. Soon he and she knows all the partner's jokes, anecdotes and history; and irritation sets in. "U don't tell me u love me anymore". One say accusingly. "U know I love u," comes the slightly irritated reply.
Soul
I had tot of why Z doesn't miss me. A reply came. He is activated by being useful. He is useful to his family and he is on call, so very little alone time. Whatever left alone time is meant for recuperation. That's why he doesn't have time to miss me.
Whereas, I am not useful to my family. I have adequate alone time and hence still got time to miss him. He has none.
Still no reply from him. Guess he is aware he is stepping into 'dangerous" ground.
Staying OK
Healthy relationships requires community: friendships, acquaintances, co-workers, members in social groups in which the entire family participate or groups in which family members participate individually with others who share mutualities of interest and need. If ur life is built on our "one and only", be prepared for none and lonely.
Idolatry is built on the illusion that if we worship someone enough, he or she will love us forever and ever. The reality is, sometimes people disappoint us, particularly if they prefer being real persons rather than idols.
Soul
With Z, nothing to lose, not even him.
King of Spades
Be prepared to take a leadership role and to live by ur own wisdom when this potent card appears. Success is urs for the taking, but u have to claim it.
Soul
Yea. Me issuing the invite was the first step. I m working towards him coming for my family dinner.
Woke up 4.10 am, waiting for alarm. I deliberately slept earlier yesterday so I can do hata. Got up at 4.20 am when alarm rang. Mind still reluctant but I just do it. First 2 cycle was stiff, but third cycle onward was ok and I was laughing by sixth cycle and by ten cycle I can feel the subtle body and it is quite pleasurable.
Had tots of Z when I was driving to work, don't know where we are heading. He seems to go into hibernation whenever I said I want commitment. Not sure how we can progress further. Part of me fear he goes away again. Then a tot arise, he came back even after u said u wanted commitment. Tots was browsing. Then suddenly I saw the flower branches and my mind stopped. I laughed, so much drama in my mind. One thing for sure, is that I want him to be at my family dinner this new year eve. And that's what I wished for during shakti meditation. And dilemma and avoiding him isn't going to get me there. So, I decided to invite him to our 3 days 2 night trip at the resort. And I can clear my queries with him there instead of going thru the dilemma on my own. Just sent him the msg.
I love him and we are going forward. This time I will ask for what I want. Nothing to lose.
Staying OK
Small change, sustained, is more certain to produce different outcomes in life's transactions than the dramatic emergence of a "new you". In flying a plane, as little as a five degree change in heading will make a significant difference in the total outcome of the journey.
Although a change in thinking precedes a change in behaviour, it is changed behaviour that counts. Action, not thinking alone, is what produces a new set of recordings, grow boutons, whose altered firing patterns sustain change.
1. The difference I want
2. How far do I want to go?
3. Gain and loss
4. What will I do differently?
Change produces loss as well as gain. If the loss is not anticipated, and consequences are uncomfortable, we may feel our decision to change was wrong.
Change in ourselves may be disruptive to others. That is why it is important to talk about our intentions with those we love, so our change does not become a threat to them.
Often we feel the loss before we feel the gain. We must therefore, keep our goal in sight so that a momentary dip in our self-confidence does not cause us to scrap our program.
Soul
He read my msg, no answer yet. Yea, right move. If he says no, then I can move on. If he says yes, then progress. I realised with him, don't use mind. Just go with the flow. On the resort, I can go on my own too.
Staying OK
Everything costs.
If we want more freedom, we will have to accept more responsibility.
Record ur gains. The Child likes to see progress. Keeping records of the important changes in our life not only show us what we did but spurs us on with the proof we can.
Keep ur current want list handy. Carry it with u as an ever-present reminder of ur life plan.
Soul
Yea, go thru Top 5 again.
Staying OK
One and Only, None and Lonely
Relying on one person to fill all of one's emotional needs is a setup for failure.
Initial closeness begins to feel the strain of carefulness. If u mean everything to me, I dare not offend u. It is hard to be real with someone u need that much. With amazing speed, the configuration of the rship changes to an A-frame, both persons leaning on each other for dear life, but not close. Boredom sets in also. Soon he and she knows all the partner's jokes, anecdotes and history; and irritation sets in. "U don't tell me u love me anymore". One say accusingly. "U know I love u," comes the slightly irritated reply.
Soul
I had tot of why Z doesn't miss me. A reply came. He is activated by being useful. He is useful to his family and he is on call, so very little alone time. Whatever left alone time is meant for recuperation. That's why he doesn't have time to miss me.
Whereas, I am not useful to my family. I have adequate alone time and hence still got time to miss him. He has none.
Still no reply from him. Guess he is aware he is stepping into 'dangerous" ground.
Staying OK
Healthy relationships requires community: friendships, acquaintances, co-workers, members in social groups in which the entire family participate or groups in which family members participate individually with others who share mutualities of interest and need. If ur life is built on our "one and only", be prepared for none and lonely.
Idolatry is built on the illusion that if we worship someone enough, he or she will love us forever and ever. The reality is, sometimes people disappoint us, particularly if they prefer being real persons rather than idols.
Soul
With Z, nothing to lose, not even him.
King of Spades
Be prepared to take a leadership role and to live by ur own wisdom when this potent card appears. Success is urs for the taking, but u have to claim it.
Soul
Yea. Me issuing the invite was the first step. I m working towards him coming for my family dinner.
Pre-menopause ...not pregnancy
Sept 10 Eve
Father, confirmed for second time that I am not pregnant. Then it is most likely pre-menopause.
Tot of Z, but don't feel like talking to him. Why can't he call me? Sometimes I also needed strokes. I called him yday but he didn't pick up. So, he should be the one returning the call. Alas, he is still holding back.
Father, continuing with him is more difficult than leaving.
I now remember my boundary issue. When I am down, don't make the call.
(Sept 29 - now updating my blog..Well, thats true...while I may miss him..but no turmoil...no drama...)
Father, confirmed for second time that I am not pregnant. Then it is most likely pre-menopause.
Tot of Z, but don't feel like talking to him. Why can't he call me? Sometimes I also needed strokes. I called him yday but he didn't pick up. So, he should be the one returning the call. Alas, he is still holding back.
Father, continuing with him is more difficult than leaving.
I now remember my boundary issue. When I am down, don't make the call.
(Sept 29 - now updating my blog..Well, thats true...while I may miss him..but no turmoil...no drama...)
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Security and novelty doesn't bring happiness...it only reduce fear of being a nobody
Sept 10 Aft
Yea, Z is back in action. Very prompt response. Alas, his strength is in providing security for his family. He thrives in fulfilling his obligation to his family. That's what made him feel good. That's is his valuation. That's what he brings to the table, his strength.
No wonder he was reactive whenever I said he doesn't make me feel secure, or he makes me afraid.
Alas, I now found his Moon. He wants to be appreciated for his strength.
Four of Clubs
The card of mental satisfaction and stability. Whenever this card appears, u can bet that u will experience some mental peace for a while.
Soul
Yea, Z and I come to a settlement. It feels good. I also tell him that I just realised my fear on him not able to give me security is false as his priority is on family.
Anyway, I m glad I took the fall yday. Not sure if we r heading anywhere but comm is now open.
Staying OK
If we have not learned to say no, we will find our yeses lacking in enthusiasm and, increasingly, in follow-through.
If we know what we want, we probably can get a lot more out of life than we think. Quantities of energy are released when we finalise at least some objectives and cease our endless indecisions.
Soul
That's the reason I want to quit new company. It is taking the toil on me and I find little energy left on my Top 5 like coffee and dessert, writing time and yoga practices.
Staying OK
As we contended in I am OK, U r OK, there are shoulds that are adult. Does getting what I want leave time to help others get what they want? Will my happiness be at the expense of someone else's happiness? Will getting what I want make me happy? What will make me happy?
Soul
Yea. Focus on what makes us happy instead of focusing on what we feared.
Staying OK
Wants can derive from security, novelty and meaning.
We know people who seem to have abundance of both and are unhappy.
What they lack is meaning. What is the significance of my life, amidst the din of doing and the fear of not doing?
Soul
True
Staying OK
Often we contemplate change by planning what we are going to get rid of. Clutter, busyness, fat, fear, bills, sometimes people. Don'ts are depriving and account for the failure of many of our New Year's resolution.
As we have stated, change or redecision, requires Child participation. The Child was preeminently involved in our earliest decision of how to get strokes and stay alive.
Change will not work if it is merely an intellectual exercise, involving only the Adult. There has got to be something in it for the Child, little rewards along the way, not just one big vague reward years down the line, like, "a happy and productive life". What about happy days?
Most of our life is dominated by habit; unthinkingly we walk the same paths, day after day, year after year. Rewards, experienced and repeated, provide a reason to change even the most ingrained habits, those we think we can never change: I am like that; that's just the way I am.
Unless energy is deliberately and repeatedly applied to new courses of action, we will continue to do the same thing, the same old way. It does not matter what kind of energy the body feels, emotional, physicals, sexual; all can be used to build new habits.
Positive, emotional energy - joy, enthusiasm, anticipation, visions of glory, being stroked - is the most potent energy.
Had we put all ten units of energy into a "no thank you" response, we would have fired the synapse of a new habit path.
With ten units energy dissipated in indecision, the synapse did not have enough energy to fire, and the old habit, guilt and all, was reinforced. Toying with temptation drains energy.
Soul
Me, need to reactivate hata yoga. My excuse is that I m still working in 2 companies. But it is also possible because hata didn't improve much things. No more additional benefits. Previously done due to fear of RA.
Yea, Z is back in action. Very prompt response. Alas, his strength is in providing security for his family. He thrives in fulfilling his obligation to his family. That's what made him feel good. That's is his valuation. That's what he brings to the table, his strength.
No wonder he was reactive whenever I said he doesn't make me feel secure, or he makes me afraid.
Alas, I now found his Moon. He wants to be appreciated for his strength.
Four of Clubs
The card of mental satisfaction and stability. Whenever this card appears, u can bet that u will experience some mental peace for a while.
Soul
Yea, Z and I come to a settlement. It feels good. I also tell him that I just realised my fear on him not able to give me security is false as his priority is on family.
Anyway, I m glad I took the fall yday. Not sure if we r heading anywhere but comm is now open.
Staying OK
If we have not learned to say no, we will find our yeses lacking in enthusiasm and, increasingly, in follow-through.
If we know what we want, we probably can get a lot more out of life than we think. Quantities of energy are released when we finalise at least some objectives and cease our endless indecisions.
Soul
That's the reason I want to quit new company. It is taking the toil on me and I find little energy left on my Top 5 like coffee and dessert, writing time and yoga practices.
Staying OK
As we contended in I am OK, U r OK, there are shoulds that are adult. Does getting what I want leave time to help others get what they want? Will my happiness be at the expense of someone else's happiness? Will getting what I want make me happy? What will make me happy?
Soul
Yea. Focus on what makes us happy instead of focusing on what we feared.
Staying OK
Wants can derive from security, novelty and meaning.
We know people who seem to have abundance of both and are unhappy.
What they lack is meaning. What is the significance of my life, amidst the din of doing and the fear of not doing?
Soul
True
Staying OK
Often we contemplate change by planning what we are going to get rid of. Clutter, busyness, fat, fear, bills, sometimes people. Don'ts are depriving and account for the failure of many of our New Year's resolution.
As we have stated, change or redecision, requires Child participation. The Child was preeminently involved in our earliest decision of how to get strokes and stay alive.
Change will not work if it is merely an intellectual exercise, involving only the Adult. There has got to be something in it for the Child, little rewards along the way, not just one big vague reward years down the line, like, "a happy and productive life". What about happy days?
Most of our life is dominated by habit; unthinkingly we walk the same paths, day after day, year after year. Rewards, experienced and repeated, provide a reason to change even the most ingrained habits, those we think we can never change: I am like that; that's just the way I am.
Unless energy is deliberately and repeatedly applied to new courses of action, we will continue to do the same thing, the same old way. It does not matter what kind of energy the body feels, emotional, physicals, sexual; all can be used to build new habits.
Positive, emotional energy - joy, enthusiasm, anticipation, visions of glory, being stroked - is the most potent energy.
Had we put all ten units of energy into a "no thank you" response, we would have fired the synapse of a new habit path.
With ten units energy dissipated in indecision, the synapse did not have enough energy to fire, and the old habit, guilt and all, was reinforced. Toying with temptation drains energy.
Soul
Me, need to reactivate hata yoga. My excuse is that I m still working in 2 companies. But it is also possible because hata didn't improve much things. No more additional benefits. Previously done due to fear of RA.
There is a Parent, Adult and Child in us...
Sept 10
Father, I didn't do hata. Woke up at 4.10 am from a dream. I just want to rest, guess the child in me reacting. I tot of my wish to practice all Isha processes but I didn't do it. Anyway, woke up later at 5.15 am. Breathing and guru pooja was not good but shakti and shambavi was great. I now take the time to sit straight for at least 5 minutes before I lie down. When I finished reluctantly, it was 6.52 am. Perhaps I can try waking up at 4.20 am tomorrow.
Tot of Z, at least I kept to my promise of being friends. I am sure one day we be friends once more. Not sure if he come back as my partner but I am fine.
I am looking forward to the second part of my life.
Staying OK
Whatever we call people, the essential communication should be that u "count", u r OK.
Soul
Agreed. Generally I do that.
Father, I think Z's moon is a sense of appreciation. He wants to be appreciated for being able to give, to be the provider. With me, he can't. But I do appreciate him. I am thankful he helped me to open up physically. He helped me to face my insecurity. He was the tool that led me to feel my vulnerability. And he is the tool that led me to my invulnerability soon. I haven't reach that yet. But its going that direction.
Staying OK
1. List all ur wants, whatever comes to mind, whether immediate or long-range, silly, salty or salubrious.
The value of the above list is its specificity and spontaneity. These are the kinds of exact wants that intrude into our awareness daily as we go about our business as usual.
2. What Part of Me Wants It!
Determine whether it is Parent, Adult or Child or a combination of these.
If we discover the Child who provides the "want to", the motivation. If only the Child wants it, it may not be good for us, for the child does not consider consequences and other realities.
If only the Parent wants is, we may feel a heavy should, and fear in the Child may provide some motivation, but fear, though it may have its roots in life preservation, does not always produce life enhancement.
The Adult must also be involved in the want, for it is the Adult that provides the "how to".
A team up between Adult and Child is sometimes successful even if the Parent does not get what it wants.
A combination of Parent, Adult and Child, if such a configuration is possible, generally means we will get what we want.
The desire to please the Parent never leaves us. Therefore we never stop trying to accommodate the Parent.
Soul
I know my hata yoga was due to fear. The Parent in me wants to do it. But now the Child is no longer willing. But the Adult in me is finding the subtle body practice unique.
Tot of Sadhguru's Kapalvriksha; he said mind, emotion, energy, body to go together in one direction.
Parent is mind; Child is emotion; Energy is Adult and Body is outcome. Not sure.
But one thing that I am bit confused is previously he said let the Energy be the Driver. So, why now Mind become driver. A tot came in, this is the Mind after cleaning up.
Staying OK
"Vow always to be rich. Spend less." Samuel Johnson.
Soul
This is so apt. I just had to send it to Z. He may not like it but its so funny. And it is my motto.
Staying OK
Marrying someone rich may mean marrying someone selfish.
Soul
Interesting. Just wanted to share with Z. Myself, once I open up, I just open. No tots of holding back. That's me.
I just msg SL:
Aiyah, don't care lah. M happy and I msg Z. Not sure if he will reply but doesn't matter today. Tomorrow I may regret but that's tomorrow
Staying OK
An objective view of the consequences is the function of the Adult. Parent "Don't" messages feel depriving. Adult conclusions give us freedom to choose for ourselves and leave us responsible for our actions.
Father, I didn't do hata. Woke up at 4.10 am from a dream. I just want to rest, guess the child in me reacting. I tot of my wish to practice all Isha processes but I didn't do it. Anyway, woke up later at 5.15 am. Breathing and guru pooja was not good but shakti and shambavi was great. I now take the time to sit straight for at least 5 minutes before I lie down. When I finished reluctantly, it was 6.52 am. Perhaps I can try waking up at 4.20 am tomorrow.
Tot of Z, at least I kept to my promise of being friends. I am sure one day we be friends once more. Not sure if he come back as my partner but I am fine.
I am looking forward to the second part of my life.
Staying OK
Whatever we call people, the essential communication should be that u "count", u r OK.
Soul
Agreed. Generally I do that.
Father, I think Z's moon is a sense of appreciation. He wants to be appreciated for being able to give, to be the provider. With me, he can't. But I do appreciate him. I am thankful he helped me to open up physically. He helped me to face my insecurity. He was the tool that led me to feel my vulnerability. And he is the tool that led me to my invulnerability soon. I haven't reach that yet. But its going that direction.
Staying OK
1. List all ur wants, whatever comes to mind, whether immediate or long-range, silly, salty or salubrious.
The value of the above list is its specificity and spontaneity. These are the kinds of exact wants that intrude into our awareness daily as we go about our business as usual.
2. What Part of Me Wants It!
Determine whether it is Parent, Adult or Child or a combination of these.
If we discover the Child who provides the "want to", the motivation. If only the Child wants it, it may not be good for us, for the child does not consider consequences and other realities.
If only the Parent wants is, we may feel a heavy should, and fear in the Child may provide some motivation, but fear, though it may have its roots in life preservation, does not always produce life enhancement.
The Adult must also be involved in the want, for it is the Adult that provides the "how to".
A team up between Adult and Child is sometimes successful even if the Parent does not get what it wants.
A combination of Parent, Adult and Child, if such a configuration is possible, generally means we will get what we want.
The desire to please the Parent never leaves us. Therefore we never stop trying to accommodate the Parent.
Soul
I know my hata yoga was due to fear. The Parent in me wants to do it. But now the Child is no longer willing. But the Adult in me is finding the subtle body practice unique.
Tot of Sadhguru's Kapalvriksha; he said mind, emotion, energy, body to go together in one direction.
Parent is mind; Child is emotion; Energy is Adult and Body is outcome. Not sure.
But one thing that I am bit confused is previously he said let the Energy be the Driver. So, why now Mind become driver. A tot came in, this is the Mind after cleaning up.
Staying OK
"Vow always to be rich. Spend less." Samuel Johnson.
Soul
This is so apt. I just had to send it to Z. He may not like it but its so funny. And it is my motto.
Staying OK
Marrying someone rich may mean marrying someone selfish.
Soul
Interesting. Just wanted to share with Z. Myself, once I open up, I just open. No tots of holding back. That's me.
I just msg SL:
Aiyah, don't care lah. M happy and I msg Z. Not sure if he will reply but doesn't matter today. Tomorrow I may regret but that's tomorrow
Staying OK
An objective view of the consequences is the function of the Adult. Parent "Don't" messages feel depriving. Adult conclusions give us freedom to choose for ourselves and leave us responsible for our actions.
Great to be in sathsang...as a meditator
Sept 9 Eve
Father, I am happy. I feel so cleansed and light after sathsang. It has been nearly 2 years since I was a meditator.
When I did the Chikshakti, I had 3 wishes - first is Z to be in my family new year eve dinner, second is for me to be a famous writer and third is for me to practice all Isha practices and being an Isha promoter. Chikshakti is a difficult meditation to follow and yet I got in. I was laughing when Sadhguru said I meet my Master.
I was so happy and I wanted to share with Z. I was surprised at the tot as I had no plan to call. Then I recall the Thunderbolt
Me leaping from tower not because I want to, but I have no choice. Ur sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try to hold on to whatever u can. But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important - if u allow it, u will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experiences.
Say 'yes' to the process by meeting it halfway.
I also tot of the Insight
Comparison
Comparison brings inferiority, superiority. When u don't compares, all inferiority, all superiority disappears. Then u r, u r simply there. A small bush, or a big tree. It doesn't matter ur urself.
Soul
I interpreted this as for me to take a jump. My dream still includes him. I got nothing to lose by calling him.
Anyway, I called but his phone is not with him. Let it be. Main thing is I followed my heart, I am happy and wanted to share my love. Who knows, tomorrow I may go back.
Its one hour, mind is reacting but emotion didn't follow. Never mind. I m happy, I feel safe, I share.
(Sept 27 - Z told me he was sleeping when I called. His phone is on vibrate and he is the type that cannot sleep once he wakes up half way. He said he knew about my call the next morning but there were so many other business calls and he forgot about calling me back.)
Osho - Ko Hsuan
The most impossible thing in the world is to transcend the world. The most impossible thing in the world is to know oneself. The most impossible thing in the world is to become utterly empty.
Father, I am happy. I feel so cleansed and light after sathsang. It has been nearly 2 years since I was a meditator.
When I did the Chikshakti, I had 3 wishes - first is Z to be in my family new year eve dinner, second is for me to be a famous writer and third is for me to practice all Isha practices and being an Isha promoter. Chikshakti is a difficult meditation to follow and yet I got in. I was laughing when Sadhguru said I meet my Master.
I was so happy and I wanted to share with Z. I was surprised at the tot as I had no plan to call. Then I recall the Thunderbolt
Me leaping from tower not because I want to, but I have no choice. Ur sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try to hold on to whatever u can. But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important - if u allow it, u will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experiences.
Say 'yes' to the process by meeting it halfway.
I also tot of the Insight
Comparison
Comparison brings inferiority, superiority. When u don't compares, all inferiority, all superiority disappears. Then u r, u r simply there. A small bush, or a big tree. It doesn't matter ur urself.
Soul
I interpreted this as for me to take a jump. My dream still includes him. I got nothing to lose by calling him.
Anyway, I called but his phone is not with him. Let it be. Main thing is I followed my heart, I am happy and wanted to share my love. Who knows, tomorrow I may go back.
Its one hour, mind is reacting but emotion didn't follow. Never mind. I m happy, I feel safe, I share.
(Sept 27 - Z told me he was sleeping when I called. His phone is on vibrate and he is the type that cannot sleep once he wakes up half way. He said he knew about my call the next morning but there were so many other business calls and he forgot about calling me back.)
Osho - Ko Hsuan
The most impossible thing in the world is to transcend the world. The most impossible thing in the world is to know oneself. The most impossible thing in the world is to become utterly empty.
Becoming Nobody (losing position of sathsang guide)
Sept 9
Father, I didn't sleep well yday. Most probably due to Z and my body heat.
Did my morning walk, not as weightless as last Sunday. But I feel happy and my hand was raised most of the times and songs comes to me.
On Z, I love him but I don't want to be in the past rship with him. No hard feelings, we can be casual friends, I need not avoid him. It will take time for me to forget him but it can happen. I want a full-time partner, not a part-timer.
Yea, today I am not the Sathsang Guide. Last Friday when I told V that C was the Sathsang Guide and he said "Wow". No one ever said that about me.
I guess this is the ending of me being Sathsang Guide. I never wanted the position and hold it for nearly 2 years. I am happy just being a meditator as I truly enjoyed sathsang. I really missed it. However, now I am feeling like a Nobody.
Today 7thunder card is Six of Spades - a settling of all affairs and at the same time bring some much needed peace into ur life. A good day for meditation.
Anyway, I am glad C is doing it cos I really need my Sathsang to energise myself for the ending with Z. This morning I knew I still love him but I don't want to go back to the past. I will always be grateful for opening me up. I am ok if we are not together. I am looking forward to my Self. We can just be casual friend. No need to harbour resentment because he cannot be with me.
I did the Rship cards on Z. I am not so clear on the msg.
1. Me - Thunderbolt
Me leaping from tower not because I want to, but I have no choice. In the background is a transparent, meditating figure representing the witnessing.
Ur sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try to hold on to whatever u can. But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important - if u allow it, u will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experiences.
Say 'yes' to the process by meeting it halfway.
Soul
Yea, me now a Nobody to everyone. My belt of success - career, Isha and rship is all gone. I am left with nothing. Tears brimming again.
A tot came, but u will welcome new things.
2. Z - Maturity
Wherever u r, it will be there, and the flowers will continue to shower on u. This is spiritual spring.
All life experiences have brought him to this time of perfection. This is a gift for hard work well done. Ur base is solid now and success and good fortune are urs for they are the outcome of what has already been experienced within.
Soul
Yea, his financial is stronger. That's what he needs. He is now ready to embark on the type of rship he wants. It is not me. I am happy for him. He deserves his happiness.
3. Composite energies
Past Lives
The point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.
Soul
Not sure about this.
4. Insight
Comparison
Comparison brings inferiority, superiority. When u don't compares, all inferiority, all superiority disappears. Then u r, u r simply there. A small bush, or a big tree. It doesn't matter ur urself.
U r needed. A grass leaf is needed as much as the biggest star.
Soul
Tot of me being a Nobody in everywhere, even with Z. I am not his Top 5.
Anyway, ok lah. I still accept him in my life as a friend eventhough we have no future. I still love him.
Osho - day card
The Master, the gardener, and the guest
The longing of the mind is to be extraordinary. The ego thirsts and hungers for the recognition that u r somebody. It cannot tolerate being nobody.
And this is the miracle - when u accept ur nobodiness, when u r just as ordinary as anybody else, when u don't ask for recognition, when u can exist as if u r not existing. To be absent is the miracle.
A nobody is not an ordinary phenomenon; it is one of the greatest experiences in life - that u r, and still u r not. That u r just pure existence with no name, with no address, with no boundaries ... Neither a sinner nor saint, neither inferior or superior , just a silence.
People are afraid because their whole personality will be gone; their name, their fame, their respectability, all will be gone; hence, the fear. But death is going to take them away from u anyway. Those who are wise allow these things to drop by themselves. Then nothing is left for death to take away. Then all fear disappears, because death cannot come to u; u don't have anything for death. Death cannot kill a nobody.
Once u feel ur nobodiness, u have become immortal. The experience of nobodiness is exactly the meaning of nirvana, of nothingness, of absolute undisturbed silence, with no ego, with no personality.
Soul
A tot came. My karma is on my unlovability since I was 'given' to my neighbours to take care. I think it is so hurtful cos I tot I was a Queen, meant to be in palace and not given out to people, not being unwanted.
That's the same thing I now experienced with E and S. I was hurt because I perceive both of them don't want me. They later said they do. With E, he said he tot I don't want to be in new company and hence he let go. He felt my rejection and hence he double reject. With S, it was more of protocol.
The same when Z doesn't want me to be his wife. I took it badly and I was anxious that he come back. Once I knew I was fine without him, that I am still lovable even when he doesn't want me, my anxiety was dissolved.
Amen.
Osho
So, don't be afraid, go into it. If the relationship survives truth, it will be beautiful. If it dies, then too, it is good because one false relationship has ended and now u will be more capable of moving into another rship, truer, more solid, more concerning the essence.
Love is participation, so at least with the lover, don't be untrue.
Father, I didn't sleep well yday. Most probably due to Z and my body heat.
Did my morning walk, not as weightless as last Sunday. But I feel happy and my hand was raised most of the times and songs comes to me.
On Z, I love him but I don't want to be in the past rship with him. No hard feelings, we can be casual friends, I need not avoid him. It will take time for me to forget him but it can happen. I want a full-time partner, not a part-timer.
Yea, today I am not the Sathsang Guide. Last Friday when I told V that C was the Sathsang Guide and he said "Wow". No one ever said that about me.
I guess this is the ending of me being Sathsang Guide. I never wanted the position and hold it for nearly 2 years. I am happy just being a meditator as I truly enjoyed sathsang. I really missed it. However, now I am feeling like a Nobody.
Today 7thunder card is Six of Spades - a settling of all affairs and at the same time bring some much needed peace into ur life. A good day for meditation.
Anyway, I am glad C is doing it cos I really need my Sathsang to energise myself for the ending with Z. This morning I knew I still love him but I don't want to go back to the past. I will always be grateful for opening me up. I am ok if we are not together. I am looking forward to my Self. We can just be casual friend. No need to harbour resentment because he cannot be with me.
I did the Rship cards on Z. I am not so clear on the msg.
1. Me - Thunderbolt
Me leaping from tower not because I want to, but I have no choice. In the background is a transparent, meditating figure representing the witnessing.
Ur sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try to hold on to whatever u can. But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important - if u allow it, u will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experiences.
Say 'yes' to the process by meeting it halfway.
Soul
Yea, me now a Nobody to everyone. My belt of success - career, Isha and rship is all gone. I am left with nothing. Tears brimming again.
A tot came, but u will welcome new things.
2. Z - Maturity
Wherever u r, it will be there, and the flowers will continue to shower on u. This is spiritual spring.
All life experiences have brought him to this time of perfection. This is a gift for hard work well done. Ur base is solid now and success and good fortune are urs for they are the outcome of what has already been experienced within.
Soul
Yea, his financial is stronger. That's what he needs. He is now ready to embark on the type of rship he wants. It is not me. I am happy for him. He deserves his happiness.
3. Composite energies
Past Lives
The point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.
Soul
Not sure about this.
4. Insight
Comparison
Comparison brings inferiority, superiority. When u don't compares, all inferiority, all superiority disappears. Then u r, u r simply there. A small bush, or a big tree. It doesn't matter ur urself.
U r needed. A grass leaf is needed as much as the biggest star.
Soul
Tot of me being a Nobody in everywhere, even with Z. I am not his Top 5.
Anyway, ok lah. I still accept him in my life as a friend eventhough we have no future. I still love him.
Osho - day card
The Master, the gardener, and the guest
The longing of the mind is to be extraordinary. The ego thirsts and hungers for the recognition that u r somebody. It cannot tolerate being nobody.
And this is the miracle - when u accept ur nobodiness, when u r just as ordinary as anybody else, when u don't ask for recognition, when u can exist as if u r not existing. To be absent is the miracle.
A nobody is not an ordinary phenomenon; it is one of the greatest experiences in life - that u r, and still u r not. That u r just pure existence with no name, with no address, with no boundaries ... Neither a sinner nor saint, neither inferior or superior , just a silence.
People are afraid because their whole personality will be gone; their name, their fame, their respectability, all will be gone; hence, the fear. But death is going to take them away from u anyway. Those who are wise allow these things to drop by themselves. Then nothing is left for death to take away. Then all fear disappears, because death cannot come to u; u don't have anything for death. Death cannot kill a nobody.
Once u feel ur nobodiness, u have become immortal. The experience of nobodiness is exactly the meaning of nirvana, of nothingness, of absolute undisturbed silence, with no ego, with no personality.
Soul
A tot came. My karma is on my unlovability since I was 'given' to my neighbours to take care. I think it is so hurtful cos I tot I was a Queen, meant to be in palace and not given out to people, not being unwanted.
That's the same thing I now experienced with E and S. I was hurt because I perceive both of them don't want me. They later said they do. With E, he said he tot I don't want to be in new company and hence he let go. He felt my rejection and hence he double reject. With S, it was more of protocol.
The same when Z doesn't want me to be his wife. I took it badly and I was anxious that he come back. Once I knew I was fine without him, that I am still lovable even when he doesn't want me, my anxiety was dissolved.
Amen.
Osho
So, don't be afraid, go into it. If the relationship survives truth, it will be beautiful. If it dies, then too, it is good because one false relationship has ended and now u will be more capable of moving into another rship, truer, more solid, more concerning the essence.
Love is participation, so at least with the lover, don't be untrue.
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