Jul 14 Eve
Tots of Z is flowing. Tots of how much I express vs him. Tot of this being one-sided and etc. Then I called him and he didn't pick up.
Anyway, don't worries. We been together for one and half years. He can't let me go.
Osho - In search of celebration
Lieh Tzu
Taking and giving, when we come to the market-place, the meditation is lost. Then, first attain to meditation, then go again and again, and become more and more alert, so that u can become capable one day of relating and remaining alone together; of being in the market-place and yet not being there; of being in the crowd and yet being alone.
Whenever u lose it, u find them and reconnect yourself with urself. By and by, slowly, one day u will see u can stand in the market-place and u remain as alone and silent as anywhere else. Then u have become a lotus; u r in the water and the water touches u not.
Soul
Tot of how wonderful if my job doesn't touch me.
Osho - In search of celebration
Lieh Tzu
First develop, evolve, the shunya - the zero, the emptiness and then bring it to the world. Again and again u will lose it, that's true, but because of that don't try to escape. It is a challenge.
And the highest peak is attained only when nobody can disturb ur inner space - nobody, no situation, can disturb it. Then for the first time u have become a possessor of it. Then u r a possessor and u r possessed by it. Then it is really urs.
But if something can take it away, then it is still not totally urs. U have touched it, but have not yet been a possessor.
Soul
Good motivation for me to do shoonya again. Even teacher said I must go back.
Osho - In search of celebration
Lieh Tzu
Nothing else is there need to be done. U have forgotten who u r. The only thing that has to be done is that u have to remember who u r. Forgetfulness is the world, remembrance is God.
To forget is to be lost.
To remember is to be back home.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Missing my Top 5
Jul 14
Father, 3 days has passed. Its true we are unique bunch of management team.
But I am still not sure I want to stay. The old me would have chosen new company for excitement, challenges and prospect. The new me only tot of my time not spend on what I love to do which is yoga, writing, isha, coffee time, my family and Z.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
A ripe human being is a human being who feel deeply that at the deepest level there is happiness and harmony, but who knows at the same time, that desiring happiness and harmony cuts him off from reality. Because he is mature and he knows this principle, he stops desiring.
If u really like urself, then u will do what u have to do easily. U know that u have to do it. Why dislike it?
The liking and the enjoyment have nothing to do with the external activity. It has to do with accepting urself. So, it doesn't matter what u do.
Father, 3 days has passed. Its true we are unique bunch of management team.
But I am still not sure I want to stay. The old me would have chosen new company for excitement, challenges and prospect. The new me only tot of my time not spend on what I love to do which is yoga, writing, isha, coffee time, my family and Z.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
A ripe human being is a human being who feel deeply that at the deepest level there is happiness and harmony, but who knows at the same time, that desiring happiness and harmony cuts him off from reality. Because he is mature and he knows this principle, he stops desiring.
If u really like urself, then u will do what u have to do easily. U know that u have to do it. Why dislike it?
The liking and the enjoyment have nothing to do with the external activity. It has to do with accepting urself. So, it doesn't matter what u do.
Once u experience ur beingness, u start growing and develooping ur true potential
Jul 13 Eve
Father, the food no longer interest me as before. The colleagues are a nice bunch. But I no longer wants to work hard and play hard. I just want to be myself. I just want to go back to Z.
Today, E said all women are crazy except for me. I told him that my boyfriend said I am emotional. J asked me how long I was with my boyfriend and I said one and half years. Unlike Z, I can be open cos I can declare I have done it. Our position on security is opposite. For me, is ok to fail as my aim is just to have one rship. For him. Is not ok to fail as he has failed a few times.
I think N is attracted to E. For me, I think E is too much a baby.
Diamond Heart - book 3
What determines the value of meditation is that u do the meditation. If u really do it, in time u will become present mainly because u will not go along with the judgements and the preferences of the ego. The meditation requires a certain effort and there is actual work on the ego through the perseverance.
It is necessary at first to make the effort to be more present. But ultimately u need to be present without effort, to just let urself be.
The false pearl is the personality which has developed according to the ego ideal. The personal essence, the personal beingness, on the other hand, which we call the Pearl beyond Price, develops by living according to ur essential self. This essential development can take place only when u r not separate from urself.
It allows ur capacities, functions and accomplishments to develop in a genuine way as an outgrowth of ur spontaneous unfoldment. It is the result of living in the moment, living in a way that is true to who u r.
To actualise ur particular unique work in this life means to be ur personal essence. It is the essence of all that u have developed and integrated in ur soul as u live a real life.
When u experience urself as ur beingness, as ur personal essence, u feel that u have accomplished urself _ not just urself in the sense of knowing who u truly are, but by who u truly are, u start growing and developing ur potential.
Father, the food no longer interest me as before. The colleagues are a nice bunch. But I no longer wants to work hard and play hard. I just want to be myself. I just want to go back to Z.
Today, E said all women are crazy except for me. I told him that my boyfriend said I am emotional. J asked me how long I was with my boyfriend and I said one and half years. Unlike Z, I can be open cos I can declare I have done it. Our position on security is opposite. For me, is ok to fail as my aim is just to have one rship. For him. Is not ok to fail as he has failed a few times.
I think N is attracted to E. For me, I think E is too much a baby.
Diamond Heart - book 3
What determines the value of meditation is that u do the meditation. If u really do it, in time u will become present mainly because u will not go along with the judgements and the preferences of the ego. The meditation requires a certain effort and there is actual work on the ego through the perseverance.
It is necessary at first to make the effort to be more present. But ultimately u need to be present without effort, to just let urself be.
The false pearl is the personality which has developed according to the ego ideal. The personal essence, the personal beingness, on the other hand, which we call the Pearl beyond Price, develops by living according to ur essential self. This essential development can take place only when u r not separate from urself.
It allows ur capacities, functions and accomplishments to develop in a genuine way as an outgrowth of ur spontaneous unfoldment. It is the result of living in the moment, living in a way that is true to who u r.
To actualise ur particular unique work in this life means to be ur personal essence. It is the essence of all that u have developed and integrated in ur soul as u live a real life.
When u experience urself as ur beingness, as ur personal essence, u feel that u have accomplished urself _ not just urself in the sense of knowing who u truly are, but by who u truly are, u start growing and developing ur potential.
Once u know urself; ur roles in life change, along with ur capacities
Jul 13
Today I woke up in the hotel when alarm rang at 5.15 am. I was so comfortably sleeping. The bed is nice and cosy and total blackout. Then I put it to 6.15 am but still I didn't want wake up. In the end I woke up 7.53 am.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
The ego ideal is a compensation for a certain loss. Goals are also a compensation, an attempt to fill a certain hole.
Society is primarily structured around these compensations. Everybody has goals and ideals and plans, and they are all compensations for the absence of the essential self. Everyone is living his life as a compensation.
That is why in time, when u become more in tune with urself and know urself better, the roles u perform in ur life, along with ur capacities, become different. Ultimately, ur gift to the world is being who u r. It is both ur gift and ur fulfillment. U can then exercise ur capacities and abilities, attaining pleasure, joy and fulfillment in ur life.
Soul
First tot my writing is my fulfillment. I need to write, I need to express. When it is shared, it becomes my gift.
Developing people for me is out of necessity rather than want to. Doing work is because of the money. I don't mind working but I don't want it to intrude on my leisure hours in having coffee and writing.
Diamond Heart - book 3
At the beginning, from the perspective of the superego, u want to become better. But what is "better"? Basically, u believe that to become "better" means actualising ur ego ideal. U just take the Work and fit it with ego ideal. After a while, u see this motivation, u might not use the Work for superego reason. The clearer it becomes, the more u really see u cannot try to become who u r. At some point u give up trying to become who u r, when u give up trying to be who u r, u just are.
But u have to get to the point that u really understand this completely before u can let go of trying. When u r convinced of the futility of what u r trying to do on all levels, then u let go. This will means ultimate surrender.
Soul
I am taking a more chill it approach to my practices. If I don't do it, I won't. I no longer want to trained myself, force myself just to attain.
Today I woke up in the hotel when alarm rang at 5.15 am. I was so comfortably sleeping. The bed is nice and cosy and total blackout. Then I put it to 6.15 am but still I didn't want wake up. In the end I woke up 7.53 am.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
The ego ideal is a compensation for a certain loss. Goals are also a compensation, an attempt to fill a certain hole.
Society is primarily structured around these compensations. Everybody has goals and ideals and plans, and they are all compensations for the absence of the essential self. Everyone is living his life as a compensation.
That is why in time, when u become more in tune with urself and know urself better, the roles u perform in ur life, along with ur capacities, become different. Ultimately, ur gift to the world is being who u r. It is both ur gift and ur fulfillment. U can then exercise ur capacities and abilities, attaining pleasure, joy and fulfillment in ur life.
Soul
First tot my writing is my fulfillment. I need to write, I need to express. When it is shared, it becomes my gift.
Developing people for me is out of necessity rather than want to. Doing work is because of the money. I don't mind working but I don't want it to intrude on my leisure hours in having coffee and writing.
Diamond Heart - book 3
At the beginning, from the perspective of the superego, u want to become better. But what is "better"? Basically, u believe that to become "better" means actualising ur ego ideal. U just take the Work and fit it with ego ideal. After a while, u see this motivation, u might not use the Work for superego reason. The clearer it becomes, the more u really see u cannot try to become who u r. At some point u give up trying to become who u r, when u give up trying to be who u r, u just are.
But u have to get to the point that u really understand this completely before u can let go of trying. When u r convinced of the futility of what u r trying to do on all levels, then u let go. This will means ultimate surrender.
Soul
I am taking a more chill it approach to my practices. If I don't do it, I won't. I no longer want to trained myself, force myself just to attain.
Just being present..no future goals
Jul 12
Father, it was a good session and we all enjoyed ourself.
E said I am drunk most of the time. I said then its great cos I am drunk without drinking, a great life, so its a good thing. E said he meant it as a compliment, I got personality.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
The problem is that when u r trying to reach a goal, u r separating urself from ur present reality. U r not living in the present, and u r rejecting who u r at the moment.
U set goals to accomplish certain things or to be a certain way because u believe that the way things are and the way u r at the present time are not good enough and won't get what u want. U also think that having no goals would mean that u would be bored or lazy or half-dead, or that there is something wrong with u.
Having goals in this way is one way to live ur life. A second way is to live in the present, to be who u r at the moment, as a completeness and a fullness. This means actualising who u r.
At any moment u r who u r, and there is no need to be anything or to go anywhere. It is because u r not who u r that u want to be something and u create all these goals and aims. Because who u r is missing, u have no true direction; ur life feels meaningless, insignificant, with no value and no orientation. U attempt to fill this deficiency with goals and ideals and aims in order to create a sense of significance, meaning, fullness, importance and etc.
However, when u let urself be who u r instead of trying to be something different, u experience everything in ur life as significant and important without even thinking of things as significant and important, by virtue of just being, just living.
A person living in the present can have goals, but the goals are not to be something, the goals are an expression and the result of who the person is at the moment. The person is already fulfilled, and that fulfillment can then manifest as certain goals.
Father, it was a good session and we all enjoyed ourself.
E said I am drunk most of the time. I said then its great cos I am drunk without drinking, a great life, so its a good thing. E said he meant it as a compliment, I got personality.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
The problem is that when u r trying to reach a goal, u r separating urself from ur present reality. U r not living in the present, and u r rejecting who u r at the moment.
U set goals to accomplish certain things or to be a certain way because u believe that the way things are and the way u r at the present time are not good enough and won't get what u want. U also think that having no goals would mean that u would be bored or lazy or half-dead, or that there is something wrong with u.
Having goals in this way is one way to live ur life. A second way is to live in the present, to be who u r at the moment, as a completeness and a fullness. This means actualising who u r.
At any moment u r who u r, and there is no need to be anything or to go anywhere. It is because u r not who u r that u want to be something and u create all these goals and aims. Because who u r is missing, u have no true direction; ur life feels meaningless, insignificant, with no value and no orientation. U attempt to fill this deficiency with goals and ideals and aims in order to create a sense of significance, meaning, fullness, importance and etc.
However, when u let urself be who u r instead of trying to be something different, u experience everything in ur life as significant and important without even thinking of things as significant and important, by virtue of just being, just living.
A person living in the present can have goals, but the goals are not to be something, the goals are an expression and the result of who the person is at the moment. The person is already fulfilled, and that fulfillment can then manifest as certain goals.
Informing old boss that I want to go back
Jul 11
Father, I didn't do my practice today as I need to leave for 6 am cab.
Just now a bit of fiasco on the yoga day event. The second list from the yoga is only 50% of the committed ones. The meditator was feeling worried and hence jumped when she saw my mail. Father, our reaction is based on our perception.
Nowadays I take things less personally.
Just like Z said I am very emotional, that's his perception as he doesn't express his emotion.
Today I broke thru the barriers of financials. E has keeping a tight loop on the recon. We are almost 80% there.
Its good I had a call with SS. He was bit miffed that I have abandoned him. I told him that I have spoken to E that I am not willing to take his pace and will re-evaluate by year end. I also said I wanted a part time job and S can offer me that but not E. S laughed and said E can only offer 7 days.
Father, I tot of my 'mental drama' to be Operational director. It was the compulsive part of me and also big head. Anyway, that's what is said about compromise. Good thing I gained back my financial authority.
Father, all my actions are there for me to go for 3 days week
1. Mac Aire instead of HP
2. Telling E that evaluation year end and I want part time and old company can give me that.
Me, I found a nice pearl earring with white gold, about 600. It looks nice on me. I have been wanting a pair of contemporary pearl earring and I got it. My ear was bit sensitive, so its good that its white gold.
Father, I didn't do my practice today as I need to leave for 6 am cab.
Just now a bit of fiasco on the yoga day event. The second list from the yoga is only 50% of the committed ones. The meditator was feeling worried and hence jumped when she saw my mail. Father, our reaction is based on our perception.
Nowadays I take things less personally.
Just like Z said I am very emotional, that's his perception as he doesn't express his emotion.
Today I broke thru the barriers of financials. E has keeping a tight loop on the recon. We are almost 80% there.
Its good I had a call with SS. He was bit miffed that I have abandoned him. I told him that I have spoken to E that I am not willing to take his pace and will re-evaluate by year end. I also said I wanted a part time job and S can offer me that but not E. S laughed and said E can only offer 7 days.
Father, I tot of my 'mental drama' to be Operational director. It was the compulsive part of me and also big head. Anyway, that's what is said about compromise. Good thing I gained back my financial authority.
Father, all my actions are there for me to go for 3 days week
1. Mac Aire instead of HP
2. Telling E that evaluation year end and I want part time and old company can give me that.
Me, I found a nice pearl earring with white gold, about 600. It looks nice on me. I have been wanting a pair of contemporary pearl earring and I got it. My ear was bit sensitive, so its good that its white gold.
Focusing on my 3 days week
Jul 10
Father, woke up at 4.15 am and body seems fine despite me sleeping around 11 plus pm.
Then mind was saying, why do the work, u slept late last night. I know I cannot do tomorrow as cab is coming at 6 am. So, I just ignored the mind and do my asanas. It felt good and I doze off a bit.
Then I did my shakti and shambavi and both went in deep. I didn't want to come out but I knew its nearly 7 am and so force myself to end the practice. That's why 4 am is still the best.
On old company, my part time role is infinite.
Father, woke up at 4.15 am and body seems fine despite me sleeping around 11 plus pm.
Then mind was saying, why do the work, u slept late last night. I know I cannot do tomorrow as cab is coming at 6 am. So, I just ignored the mind and do my asanas. It felt good and I doze off a bit.
Then I did my shakti and shambavi and both went in deep. I didn't want to come out but I knew its nearly 7 am and so force myself to end the practice. That's why 4 am is still the best.
On old company, my part time role is infinite.
Opening up to Z
Jul 9 eve
Father, after the whole drama on P and Isha. I tot I deserve a rest, then the mind swing to Z.
Shoonya and samyama was great. I noticed I have gone in deeper.
Anyway, called Z but not reachable and I left a msg - sometimes you can return my calls.
He called me back about 2 minutes later. He started to tease me etc and I wasn't in the mood. So, I hang up on him after 5 min.
I was tired and bit piss at him. He knows I was sad for a couple of days and expect TLC from him. Yet he still teases me. Then tears flow and I cried wailing. And felt better.
Mind saying Z doesn't love me etc, might as well break up and etc. Then I said why he didn't call me, he didn't love me.
I ignored it, I knew he was just teasing, wanting to make me laugh. On not calling back, he knows that when I am angry or sad, I don't want to talk.
After 15 minutes, I called him back. I told him about my feelings and he tries to comfort me. We chat about his biz and later on him getting his debt back from his friend.
Father, after the whole drama on P and Isha. I tot I deserve a rest, then the mind swing to Z.
Shoonya and samyama was great. I noticed I have gone in deeper.
Anyway, called Z but not reachable and I left a msg - sometimes you can return my calls.
He called me back about 2 minutes later. He started to tease me etc and I wasn't in the mood. So, I hang up on him after 5 min.
I was tired and bit piss at him. He knows I was sad for a couple of days and expect TLC from him. Yet he still teases me. Then tears flow and I cried wailing. And felt better.
Mind saying Z doesn't love me etc, might as well break up and etc. Then I said why he didn't call me, he didn't love me.
I ignored it, I knew he was just teasing, wanting to make me laugh. On not calling back, he knows that when I am angry or sad, I don't want to talk.
After 15 minutes, I called him back. I told him about my feelings and he tries to comfort me. We chat about his biz and later on him getting his debt back from his friend.
King of Spades = The Master of ur own destiny
Jul 9 Aft
1. The Issue
The Master
The whole work of meditation is to make u aware of all that is "mind" and disidentify urself from it.
The mind, the servant is playing the role of master. And the servant is created by outside world, it follows the outside world and its laws.
Once ur awareness becomes a flame, it burns up the whole slavery that the mind has created.
Now u can do and act on only that which makes u more joyous, fulfills u, gives u contentment, makes ur life a work of art, a beauty.
There is no blissfulness more precious than freedom, than being a master of ur own destiny.
Soul
Yea, I know I can earn good money while I stay in corporate world. I know I can be financially safe and have loads of comfort. But it doesn't make me happy.
What makes me happy is my inner journey, sharing of my journey with others.
I also know promoting Isha will be one of my Top 6. So, I did it. It just took an idea and simple email. Like P said, let's volunteer myself. Once I got the deal, I will get them in for execution, the same as the yoga event.
I have send an invite to ex-colleague, D and C and also landlord S. I am opening up. Father, the last few days of turmoil and the declaration over my suffering in volunteering helps to open me up.
Thanks to P.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Turning in
U r already there, there is no point in going. When going stops, journeying disappears; when desiring is no more clouding ur mind, u r in. This is called turning in. But it is not turning at all, it is simply not going out.
To develop the knack of taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessings. U r ready to take this distance now, and to watch the show without getting caught up in the drama.
Soul
Mmm, it was 2 days for the mental drama. Earlier I tot I retrograde for taking so long to recover. Perhaps it was because I was advancing. The tots were there, buzzing but I didn't let it affect me so much. I wasn't really suffering. If I had, I would have reacted on it. Instead, I let it prolong until I received the text msg to call P.
I recalled that I just want to hold on to Truth - no one is out to hurt me. I am safe.
Just now, tots of rejection from Z also floats in. I ignored it.
3. External influence
Ice-olation
Tears, only the tears have the power to melt the ice. Its okay to cry, and there is no reason to feel ashamed of ur tears. Crying helps us to let go of pain, allows us to be gentle with ourselves, finally helps us to heal.
Soul
I cried on my suffering in volunteering.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Compromise
Don't be clever, otherwise u will remain the same, u will not change.
Soul
Today I decided on part time next year. And the old company can give me that.
So, I finally confirmed on the new notebook, Mc Aire.
5. The understanding.
Beyond illusion
This is the only distinction between the dream and the real: reality allows u to doubt, and the dream does not allow.
The space between the two eyes has opened, revealing the lotus of spiritual unfoldment and the rising sun of awareness.
Not to look for outside for what is real, but to look within. When we focus on externals, we too often get caught up in judgments - this is good, this is bad, I want this, I don't want that.
These judgement keeps us trapped.
Soul
I know I got 6 months to go with both companies.
I want a 3 days work next year, with 10k salary.
So for now, just do what needs to be done.
1. The Issue
The Master
The whole work of meditation is to make u aware of all that is "mind" and disidentify urself from it.
The mind, the servant is playing the role of master. And the servant is created by outside world, it follows the outside world and its laws.
Once ur awareness becomes a flame, it burns up the whole slavery that the mind has created.
Now u can do and act on only that which makes u more joyous, fulfills u, gives u contentment, makes ur life a work of art, a beauty.
There is no blissfulness more precious than freedom, than being a master of ur own destiny.
Soul
Yea, I know I can earn good money while I stay in corporate world. I know I can be financially safe and have loads of comfort. But it doesn't make me happy.
What makes me happy is my inner journey, sharing of my journey with others.
I also know promoting Isha will be one of my Top 6. So, I did it. It just took an idea and simple email. Like P said, let's volunteer myself. Once I got the deal, I will get them in for execution, the same as the yoga event.
I have send an invite to ex-colleague, D and C and also landlord S. I am opening up. Father, the last few days of turmoil and the declaration over my suffering in volunteering helps to open me up.
Thanks to P.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Turning in
U r already there, there is no point in going. When going stops, journeying disappears; when desiring is no more clouding ur mind, u r in. This is called turning in. But it is not turning at all, it is simply not going out.
To develop the knack of taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessings. U r ready to take this distance now, and to watch the show without getting caught up in the drama.
Soul
Mmm, it was 2 days for the mental drama. Earlier I tot I retrograde for taking so long to recover. Perhaps it was because I was advancing. The tots were there, buzzing but I didn't let it affect me so much. I wasn't really suffering. If I had, I would have reacted on it. Instead, I let it prolong until I received the text msg to call P.
I recalled that I just want to hold on to Truth - no one is out to hurt me. I am safe.
Just now, tots of rejection from Z also floats in. I ignored it.
3. External influence
Ice-olation
Tears, only the tears have the power to melt the ice. Its okay to cry, and there is no reason to feel ashamed of ur tears. Crying helps us to let go of pain, allows us to be gentle with ourselves, finally helps us to heal.
Soul
I cried on my suffering in volunteering.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Compromise
Don't be clever, otherwise u will remain the same, u will not change.
Soul
Today I decided on part time next year. And the old company can give me that.
So, I finally confirmed on the new notebook, Mc Aire.
5. The understanding.
Beyond illusion
This is the only distinction between the dream and the real: reality allows u to doubt, and the dream does not allow.
The space between the two eyes has opened, revealing the lotus of spiritual unfoldment and the rising sun of awareness.
Not to look for outside for what is real, but to look within. When we focus on externals, we too often get caught up in judgments - this is good, this is bad, I want this, I don't want that.
These judgement keeps us trapped.
Soul
I know I got 6 months to go with both companies.
I want a 3 days work next year, with 10k salary.
So for now, just do what needs to be done.
Taking charge of my life - Top 5
Jul 9
Father, such heavy energy yesterday. I guess it was because I try to get the special meditation and didn't follow thru.
I am glad everyone now knows what is my feeling on volunteering. I really don't want to. But once I am in, I gave my best.
At least I now knew the yoga event will be given the attention it deserves.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
Just being oneself, life has meaning. U will be the meaning. Ur true preciousness is the meaning.
This very moment, not related to past or future, is the center and from there u can see that u r nothing but grace. Not only does life has meaning, but it is a grace, as if the heavens opened and poured grace into u.
U will see that ur very nature is that grace, pure, unoriginated preciousness, which u don't see by looking but by being.
To be urself, means u r the Essence, u r the Being, u r the significance, u r the meaning.
We have seen that we are always looking for the preciousness that was lost, thinking we can get it from the outside. But it is the innermost. It is so private, so deep, so inner, that there is nothing more inner than this.
To be really oneself is to eliminate the chasm, to unify the two sides of oneself, to fully become one. It is not as if u r someone who has a body, someone who does this or that, someone who has an Essence. U r it! U r the whole thing.
To be able to simply fall into one's nature, is, however, not easy. It is the most difficult thing there is. It takes perseverance, patience, sincerity and compassion for oneself. And it may take a long time.
Soul
I don't know. But I feel I cleared the air on Isha. Not sure the response but now they know I am not there voluntarily, they know I don't feel joy when I am doing. But I gave my best, going beyond likes and dislikes.
Father, it is getting clearer that I have to drop new company. So, I still have to safe guard the old company. I need a part time job. On my new car, I could just re-finance it to 6 years and then instalment would be around 1500 instead of 3000.
Father, this year King is for me to lead my life the way I wanted to. I no longer want my days to filled up with work after work. No time for myself.
Anyway, will have to wait till year end. Another half year to go.
I have selected old company. I also decided on my new notebook, Mc Aire to follow the old company. This decision means I have chosen.
It was funny, the notebook thingy was hanging about 1 month, roughly same time on my dilemma.
Yea, after I take part time, I still have my writing to move on to. I be fine. Who knows, even 4A can pay me 1500 just to be their advisor.
Father, my long range Destiny is Ace of Diamondss
A desire for money or the birth of a new way of earning money. All Aces represent new beginnings, a desire for something that starts a new cycle of creating. Aces are the representatives of pure creative energy.
Diamonds represent our value systems, the things that we like or dislike, treasure or discard. So, the Ace of Diamonds means that we experience the birth of a new value or that we suddenly like or want something that we didn't before.
Soul
So correct.
I take over my destiny. Focus on my Top 5 instead of my financial security, my comfort and etc.
Father, such heavy energy yesterday. I guess it was because I try to get the special meditation and didn't follow thru.
I am glad everyone now knows what is my feeling on volunteering. I really don't want to. But once I am in, I gave my best.
At least I now knew the yoga event will be given the attention it deserves.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
Just being oneself, life has meaning. U will be the meaning. Ur true preciousness is the meaning.
This very moment, not related to past or future, is the center and from there u can see that u r nothing but grace. Not only does life has meaning, but it is a grace, as if the heavens opened and poured grace into u.
U will see that ur very nature is that grace, pure, unoriginated preciousness, which u don't see by looking but by being.
To be urself, means u r the Essence, u r the Being, u r the significance, u r the meaning.
We have seen that we are always looking for the preciousness that was lost, thinking we can get it from the outside. But it is the innermost. It is so private, so deep, so inner, that there is nothing more inner than this.
To be really oneself is to eliminate the chasm, to unify the two sides of oneself, to fully become one. It is not as if u r someone who has a body, someone who does this or that, someone who has an Essence. U r it! U r the whole thing.
To be able to simply fall into one's nature, is, however, not easy. It is the most difficult thing there is. It takes perseverance, patience, sincerity and compassion for oneself. And it may take a long time.
Soul
I don't know. But I feel I cleared the air on Isha. Not sure the response but now they know I am not there voluntarily, they know I don't feel joy when I am doing. But I gave my best, going beyond likes and dislikes.
Father, it is getting clearer that I have to drop new company. So, I still have to safe guard the old company. I need a part time job. On my new car, I could just re-finance it to 6 years and then instalment would be around 1500 instead of 3000.
Father, this year King is for me to lead my life the way I wanted to. I no longer want my days to filled up with work after work. No time for myself.
Anyway, will have to wait till year end. Another half year to go.
I have selected old company. I also decided on my new notebook, Mc Aire to follow the old company. This decision means I have chosen.
It was funny, the notebook thingy was hanging about 1 month, roughly same time on my dilemma.
Yea, after I take part time, I still have my writing to move on to. I be fine. Who knows, even 4A can pay me 1500 just to be their advisor.
Father, my long range Destiny is Ace of Diamondss
A desire for money or the birth of a new way of earning money. All Aces represent new beginnings, a desire for something that starts a new cycle of creating. Aces are the representatives of pure creative energy.
Diamonds represent our value systems, the things that we like or dislike, treasure or discard. So, the Ace of Diamonds means that we experience the birth of a new value or that we suddenly like or want something that we didn't before.
Soul
So correct.
I take over my destiny. Focus on my Top 5 instead of my financial security, my comfort and etc.
Finaly opening up on how much I don't like volunteering
Jul 8
Father, alas I felt clear. I finally told them I am sad when I do volunteering. There are loads of resistance. But once I am in, I am in. Just like being a sathsang guide. I really don't want but its a responsibility I cannot shrug off. So, I do it and gave my best. But it doesn't mean I am happy doing it.
Alas, the truth it out. When C said that Sadhguru coming here answer her prayer, I tot mine was complete opposite. I want Sadhguru as far as possible. I don't want to know him and I don't want him to know I exist. I just want to use his tools. Am I thankful to him? Yes, he is in my daily prayer. But do I want to see him, not at all. It be the scariest thing. That's why I ignored him during samyama.
My eye lids feel heavy with unshed tears.
I can see that P feels bit sorry for her outburst and now try to make up.
But it doesn't matter anymore. I know its about my own issue on lovability.
Father, alas I felt clear. I finally told them I am sad when I do volunteering. There are loads of resistance. But once I am in, I am in. Just like being a sathsang guide. I really don't want but its a responsibility I cannot shrug off. So, I do it and gave my best. But it doesn't mean I am happy doing it.
Alas, the truth it out. When C said that Sadhguru coming here answer her prayer, I tot mine was complete opposite. I want Sadhguru as far as possible. I don't want to know him and I don't want him to know I exist. I just want to use his tools. Am I thankful to him? Yes, he is in my daily prayer. But do I want to see him, not at all. It be the scariest thing. That's why I ignored him during samyama.
My eye lids feel heavy with unshed tears.
I can see that P feels bit sorry for her outburst and now try to make up.
But it doesn't matter anymore. I know its about my own issue on lovability.
Mental suffering...all over nothing
Jul 7
Father, I was sad. But I am better now. Just did my practices. Now tot of long range is King of Spades.
Yea, looks like I got to take a leadership role.
I received a text msg to call P and tot she wanted to apologise. I couldn't call back as I was still feeling hurt. Then when I saw her this morning, I avoided her.
Father, I had such mind suffering the whole day. It stopped during facial as I was too tired to keep up with it. I just focus on my breathe and let it be. When I am done, I went for a hair wash.
Father, thank U. When I realised it was the friendship, the sense of rejection that I feel, I know the friendship was intact. I replied her and she called back.
I tot she would apologise but looks like she didn't even tot of it at all. She just wanted my help with our meditator K. Such anti-climax for my mind suffering.
Jul 7 Eve
Father, what a day. It started with the drama in my mind. And it ended well with distribution of Isha flyer.
I found some lovely food too, thanks to M.
Father, I was sad. But I am better now. Just did my practices. Now tot of long range is King of Spades.
Yea, looks like I got to take a leadership role.
I received a text msg to call P and tot she wanted to apologise. I couldn't call back as I was still feeling hurt. Then when I saw her this morning, I avoided her.
Father, I had such mind suffering the whole day. It stopped during facial as I was too tired to keep up with it. I just focus on my breathe and let it be. When I am done, I went for a hair wash.
Father, thank U. When I realised it was the friendship, the sense of rejection that I feel, I know the friendship was intact. I replied her and she called back.
I tot she would apologise but looks like she didn't even tot of it at all. She just wanted my help with our meditator K. Such anti-climax for my mind suffering.
Jul 7 Eve
Father, what a day. It started with the drama in my mind. And it ended well with distribution of Isha flyer.
I found some lovely food too, thanks to M.
Ego triggerred..but I didn't react
Jul 6 Eve
Father, the yoga event was supposed to be great. But I was cut down by the Core team.
Suddenly I tot perhaps that's how J feels too.
I guess in my case, it was greater cos I had and now I was cut down to size.
Lk also agrees with me that its the events that pull people in. Like me, she is also disappointed that guru poornami was not held.
V was also shocked. She said if this opportunity was given to Iy, they would grab it. Here she noticed it was not supported.
Anyway, I contributed 500 to make it work.
Who knows, perhaps they see this as me bragging again. I must remember that P is a Nine. Perhaps she is really angry about having to lead and she did the best way she knows how, which is to do task allocation, project work.
So, it is true...the culture of a team always depends on the leader. Since C is mild, and K takes a back seat, then P is the one leading it.
I was surprised that with such a video clip, she can still say we should go small, don't need big event. Perhaps, it was a scare of any event itself.
I feel hurt but I shouldered it. I know this is an opportunity from nowhere. It was funny, a few months ago Lk said to do IK event and I said no. Now I am doing for 2 k people. Aiyah, nevermind..maybe it will not materialise.
But I am glad K was on my side. She knows what I went through and so she understand.
Father, I am having suspicious tots of uprising. My auto defense mechanism. Just drop it. Its just another week till 15 July. So, no worries. After that, I won't join.
My conscious is clear. I just wanted to help out. Perhaps it could be taken wrongly as I make them feel small. That's what some people said about me.
Resolution.
The Fool
If u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the "rightness" of things, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear "foolish" to others, or even to urself if u try to analyse them with the rational mind.
But the "zero" place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
I just do what needs to be done. Life is here and we move. No regrets.
Father, the yoga event was supposed to be great. But I was cut down by the Core team.
Suddenly I tot perhaps that's how J feels too.
I guess in my case, it was greater cos I had and now I was cut down to size.
Lk also agrees with me that its the events that pull people in. Like me, she is also disappointed that guru poornami was not held.
V was also shocked. She said if this opportunity was given to Iy, they would grab it. Here she noticed it was not supported.
Anyway, I contributed 500 to make it work.
Who knows, perhaps they see this as me bragging again. I must remember that P is a Nine. Perhaps she is really angry about having to lead and she did the best way she knows how, which is to do task allocation, project work.
So, it is true...the culture of a team always depends on the leader. Since C is mild, and K takes a back seat, then P is the one leading it.
I was surprised that with such a video clip, she can still say we should go small, don't need big event. Perhaps, it was a scare of any event itself.
I feel hurt but I shouldered it. I know this is an opportunity from nowhere. It was funny, a few months ago Lk said to do IK event and I said no. Now I am doing for 2 k people. Aiyah, nevermind..maybe it will not materialise.
But I am glad K was on my side. She knows what I went through and so she understand.
Father, I am having suspicious tots of uprising. My auto defense mechanism. Just drop it. Its just another week till 15 July. So, no worries. After that, I won't join.
My conscious is clear. I just wanted to help out. Perhaps it could be taken wrongly as I make them feel small. That's what some people said about me.
Resolution.
The Fool
If u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the "rightness" of things, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear "foolish" to others, or even to urself if u try to analyse them with the rational mind.
But the "zero" place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
I just do what needs to be done. Life is here and we move. No regrets.
Going back to my Top 5
Jul 6
Father, I woke up at 4.25 am. I think I slept around 10.40 pm after Z's call. Body was fine but mind was making some noise. But I remember I only did 2 hata session this week, so a third one is good.
Surprisingly suria was effortless. I didn't require a doze as I got enough sleep. But did cut short on the breathing meditation. Yesterday samyama was quite good, similar to my experience in Ashram. I start to sing and dance.
Father, I am sure my Top 5 and it has nothing to do with work
1. Me time
2. My practices
3. My family
4. My boyfriend
5. My writing
Internal influence that u r unable to see
Success
Because of ur willingness to accept the recent challenges of life, u r now or u soon will be - enjoying a wonderful ride on the tiger of success.
Soul
When I saw this card. I wonder what it could be about as there is nothing good happening per se. I was so tired this week on managing both company. And today is Friday, still got to work.
Father, I am getting more positive on Z. These days he will return my calls soon. I guess my note the other day make him realise that he has taken me too 'lightly'.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
When u know urself, when u realise ur true identity, the meaning of life does not come to u in the form of a conceptual answer to a question. It is not an answer in ur mind. It is u.
The presence, fullness and intrinsic preciousness is directly experienced; it is not in reference to anything else.
It is complete autonomy; only the experience itself can give a taste of this satisfaction. This experience of self-realisation is the answer, in the sense that it ends the drive. It is true absence of seeking.
Soul
I am surely getting there.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
If u observe urself, u will probably discover that u have become disappointed in one thing after another. U will see that u r disappointed with ur career, lover, spouse, ur own mind, everything. U r disappointed because they don't do what u hoped they would do for u.
There is one disappointment after another until u allow urself to fall into the great chasm, the great split. U need to allow urself to exist in the vast emptiness. We must go through this non-existence. There is no other way.
To become unified, we must go through the split in us. We cannot go over it or avoid it. We must allow ourselves to experience the chasm. We have to allow ourselves to feel the insignificance completely, without defending against it.
Soul
This is similar to the integration.
Ace of Spades
This is a traditional cards for death, change and transformation. It is certain that u will go through some sort of death and rebirth, or at the least, some important and powerful changes.
Father, I woke up at 4.25 am. I think I slept around 10.40 pm after Z's call. Body was fine but mind was making some noise. But I remember I only did 2 hata session this week, so a third one is good.
Surprisingly suria was effortless. I didn't require a doze as I got enough sleep. But did cut short on the breathing meditation. Yesterday samyama was quite good, similar to my experience in Ashram. I start to sing and dance.
Father, I am sure my Top 5 and it has nothing to do with work
1. Me time
2. My practices
3. My family
4. My boyfriend
5. My writing
Internal influence that u r unable to see
Success
Because of ur willingness to accept the recent challenges of life, u r now or u soon will be - enjoying a wonderful ride on the tiger of success.
Soul
When I saw this card. I wonder what it could be about as there is nothing good happening per se. I was so tired this week on managing both company. And today is Friday, still got to work.
Father, I am getting more positive on Z. These days he will return my calls soon. I guess my note the other day make him realise that he has taken me too 'lightly'.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
When u know urself, when u realise ur true identity, the meaning of life does not come to u in the form of a conceptual answer to a question. It is not an answer in ur mind. It is u.
The presence, fullness and intrinsic preciousness is directly experienced; it is not in reference to anything else.
It is complete autonomy; only the experience itself can give a taste of this satisfaction. This experience of self-realisation is the answer, in the sense that it ends the drive. It is true absence of seeking.
Soul
I am surely getting there.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
If u observe urself, u will probably discover that u have become disappointed in one thing after another. U will see that u r disappointed with ur career, lover, spouse, ur own mind, everything. U r disappointed because they don't do what u hoped they would do for u.
There is one disappointment after another until u allow urself to fall into the great chasm, the great split. U need to allow urself to exist in the vast emptiness. We must go through this non-existence. There is no other way.
To become unified, we must go through the split in us. We cannot go over it or avoid it. We must allow ourselves to experience the chasm. We have to allow ourselves to feel the insignificance completely, without defending against it.
Soul
This is similar to the integration.
Ace of Spades
This is a traditional cards for death, change and transformation. It is certain that u will go through some sort of death and rebirth, or at the least, some important and powerful changes.
Holding on to my Dream of 3 days week
Jul 5
Father, I put my alarm at 5.30 am today since I slept nearly 12 am yesterday. No need to be gung ho. I am well rested. I now know that my practices is work too.
I told E, I too am excited about the biz and we do work well together. Besides both my cards are Diamonds and my Ruling in Ace of Diamonds - even more keen on work.
But I just want to be. My wish is still to work 3 days week.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
Stop striving after all kinds of things; stop dreaming, scheming, planning, working, achieving, attempting, moving, manipulating, trying to be something, trying to get somewhere.
U forget the simplest, most obvious thing which is to be here. If u r not in ur body, u miss the source of all significance, meaning and satisfaction. We miss who we are, which is fundamentally beingness, existence.
If we are not here, we exist on the fringes of reality. We don't sufficiently value simply being. Instead we value what we want to accomplish, or what we want to possess. It is our biggest mistake.
When we are really present, the presence itself is made out of fullness, contentment and blissful pleasure.
We think that we will have pleasure or delight if we fulfill a certain plan, if a certain dream comes true, if someone we care for likes us, if we take a wonderful trip. This attitude is an insult to who we are. We are the pleasure, we are the joy, we are the most profound significance and the highest value.
When we understand this, we see that its ridiculous to think that we will get pleasure and joy through these external things, by doing this or that, or receiving approval or love from this or that person. We see then that we have been misinformed; we have been barking at the wrong tree.
Soul
Me, slowly seeing that.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Happiness, value and pleasure are not the result of anything. These qualities are part of our fundamental nature. If we simply allow ourselves to be, this is our natural experience.
The only thing we need to do is to let ourselves be.
Soul
I know. That's what I experienced when I sit for my practices, when I just enjoying my coffee.
This series of book I bought and read back in 2004. In that year, I can only relate to Book 1 and 2 and now I can relate to Book 3, with Isha's tool. Thanks to Sadhguru.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
The existence, this delight, is the very centre of reality, all the time.
We constantly put our attention on whether the situation is what we want or don't want. Is it good or bad? But the significance of any experience is our mere presence, nothing else. The content of any experience is simply an external manifestation of that central presence.
What stops u from being, from being present, is nothing.
Father, I put my alarm at 5.30 am today since I slept nearly 12 am yesterday. No need to be gung ho. I am well rested. I now know that my practices is work too.
I told E, I too am excited about the biz and we do work well together. Besides both my cards are Diamonds and my Ruling in Ace of Diamonds - even more keen on work.
But I just want to be. My wish is still to work 3 days week.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
Stop striving after all kinds of things; stop dreaming, scheming, planning, working, achieving, attempting, moving, manipulating, trying to be something, trying to get somewhere.
U forget the simplest, most obvious thing which is to be here. If u r not in ur body, u miss the source of all significance, meaning and satisfaction. We miss who we are, which is fundamentally beingness, existence.
If we are not here, we exist on the fringes of reality. We don't sufficiently value simply being. Instead we value what we want to accomplish, or what we want to possess. It is our biggest mistake.
When we are really present, the presence itself is made out of fullness, contentment and blissful pleasure.
We think that we will have pleasure or delight if we fulfill a certain plan, if a certain dream comes true, if someone we care for likes us, if we take a wonderful trip. This attitude is an insult to who we are. We are the pleasure, we are the joy, we are the most profound significance and the highest value.
When we understand this, we see that its ridiculous to think that we will get pleasure and joy through these external things, by doing this or that, or receiving approval or love from this or that person. We see then that we have been misinformed; we have been barking at the wrong tree.
Soul
Me, slowly seeing that.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Happiness, value and pleasure are not the result of anything. These qualities are part of our fundamental nature. If we simply allow ourselves to be, this is our natural experience.
The only thing we need to do is to let ourselves be.
Soul
I know. That's what I experienced when I sit for my practices, when I just enjoying my coffee.
This series of book I bought and read back in 2004. In that year, I can only relate to Book 1 and 2 and now I can relate to Book 3, with Isha's tool. Thanks to Sadhguru.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
The existence, this delight, is the very centre of reality, all the time.
We constantly put our attention on whether the situation is what we want or don't want. Is it good or bad? But the significance of any experience is our mere presence, nothing else. The content of any experience is simply an external manifestation of that central presence.
What stops u from being, from being present, is nothing.
I chose my Dream of 3 days week - informed my boss
Jul 4 Aft
After I wrote my journal this morning. My boss E called me to see him. I went into the toilet and cried. It was a good release. All the stress and dilemma is out. I know for sure now job is not Top 5, just a means for me to live comfortably.
I had a good session with E. I told him its not the job per se. My values have changed. I no longer want my work time to erode into my well-being time. I told him he cannot offer me part time but old company can.
Anyway, I will decide by year end.
I also told him I was bit hurt that he didn't reply my text msg on my birthday. He said he wanted to reply but was distracted. He promised me a belated birthday next week.
Father, I am glad I clarified myself. I am excited about the event at GE as the opportunities are great but I am tied up at work.
After I wrote my journal this morning. My boss E called me to see him. I went into the toilet and cried. It was a good release. All the stress and dilemma is out. I know for sure now job is not Top 5, just a means for me to live comfortably.
I had a good session with E. I told him its not the job per se. My values have changed. I no longer want my work time to erode into my well-being time. I told him he cannot offer me part time but old company can.
Anyway, I will decide by year end.
I also told him I was bit hurt that he didn't reply my text msg on my birthday. He said he wanted to reply but was distracted. He promised me a belated birthday next week.
Father, I am glad I clarified myself. I am excited about the event at GE as the opportunities are great but I am tied up at work.
I chose my Dream of 3 days week
Jul 4
Father, I realised now what P said its true. There is a drive or commitment in me. When I do something I like, I commit to it and I drive myself to it.
This morning, I woke up at 4 am, the body is fine but I really want to rest. I pressed alarm to 5.30 am and I woke up and I tot I really don't want to do anything.
I just want to rest as the last 2 days has been real hectic. The practices is work.
Now that I have 2 offices to take care, additional work comes in and I don't have energy for the well-being work. That's what making me unhappy.
Now I recalled, when I first started, I was only doing half hour for Shambavi. So, eventhough I work late, I still look forward to Shambavi. 8 months later, the work at old company was settled and then I channeled my energy to well-being work and did shakti and shoonya. Still it was fine. One year later, I tot of resigning and then got 4 days work and I did 3 hours in morning and 1 hour in evening. All together 4 hours a day. I slept about 4 hours plus but I was always sleepy on the road.
Now with additional work load from new company, I can no longer spent that type of hours on well-being.
The work on new and old company doesn't bring me well-being. And it is taking me away from my work on well-being. That's why I am unhappy and wanted to resign.
The same happen with volunteering work on Isha. I had to let go because I can no longer have rest time. So, letting go of Isha work has make me relieved and happier.
Now, work on new company is getting more as E has higher expectation with my team now in place. E is an extremely demanding boss who always over-deliver.
My Top 5 is my well-being. Work at corporate is just a means for me to have a comfortable life. Come year end, I need to cut either one. The one I remain would be the one that can give me 4 days work and I know E cannot give me that but S can. And in old company, I am my own boss and in new company I am not.
I am glad I told S and he told me he already fight for me to be in old company part time. So, my stay in old company is infinite.
Father, I feel better now. I know what I truly want. My well-being and my freedom.
Internal influence that u r unable to see
Consciousness
When u choose this card, it means that there is a crystal clarity available right now, detached, rooted in the deep stillness that lies at the core of ur being. There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding u have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself.
Soul
Thank U. I needed this new company and the car to truly make me see.
If I didn't have the new company, I may still have wandering tot of what if. Now I can have the corporate sky but that's not what I truly want. I want my well-being. I want my happiness, my joy.
And I thanked S for not letting me go. For letting my part time position be infinite.
Father, I realised now what P said its true. There is a drive or commitment in me. When I do something I like, I commit to it and I drive myself to it.
This morning, I woke up at 4 am, the body is fine but I really want to rest. I pressed alarm to 5.30 am and I woke up and I tot I really don't want to do anything.
I just want to rest as the last 2 days has been real hectic. The practices is work.
Now that I have 2 offices to take care, additional work comes in and I don't have energy for the well-being work. That's what making me unhappy.
Now I recalled, when I first started, I was only doing half hour for Shambavi. So, eventhough I work late, I still look forward to Shambavi. 8 months later, the work at old company was settled and then I channeled my energy to well-being work and did shakti and shoonya. Still it was fine. One year later, I tot of resigning and then got 4 days work and I did 3 hours in morning and 1 hour in evening. All together 4 hours a day. I slept about 4 hours plus but I was always sleepy on the road.
Now with additional work load from new company, I can no longer spent that type of hours on well-being.
The work on new and old company doesn't bring me well-being. And it is taking me away from my work on well-being. That's why I am unhappy and wanted to resign.
The same happen with volunteering work on Isha. I had to let go because I can no longer have rest time. So, letting go of Isha work has make me relieved and happier.
Now, work on new company is getting more as E has higher expectation with my team now in place. E is an extremely demanding boss who always over-deliver.
My Top 5 is my well-being. Work at corporate is just a means for me to have a comfortable life. Come year end, I need to cut either one. The one I remain would be the one that can give me 4 days work and I know E cannot give me that but S can. And in old company, I am my own boss and in new company I am not.
I am glad I told S and he told me he already fight for me to be in old company part time. So, my stay in old company is infinite.
Father, I feel better now. I know what I truly want. My well-being and my freedom.
Internal influence that u r unable to see
Consciousness
When u choose this card, it means that there is a crystal clarity available right now, detached, rooted in the deep stillness that lies at the core of ur being. There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding u have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself.
Soul
Thank U. I needed this new company and the car to truly make me see.
If I didn't have the new company, I may still have wandering tot of what if. Now I can have the corporate sky but that's not what I truly want. I want my well-being. I want my happiness, my joy.
And I thanked S for not letting me go. For letting my part time position be infinite.
Tot of leaving new company and going back to old company
Jul 3 Eve
Father, what a birthday. I was crying on my way back. So much stress.
Yea, with E like that, there is no way I can have part time work. Whereas, with S, I can still have that.
Like I told E, I am a wrong hire. Anyway, let's continue till end Dec and I will then decide. By then I will have fulfill my commitment to WY and my commitment to the team that I have set up.
My rship with E is still good. Him not replying to my birthday sms just reinforced why I won't have my part time.
Just now I tot of having to sell my Teana. But then I can afford it. If I do stop work at year end, I can do a refinance and make it longer. I am wondering how much FD I have.
Father, this is a sign that I wanted to quit. But such irony, I have Teana. Frankly without T, I may have quit immediately. But maybe not cos I cannot just leave my team like that. Anyway, 6 months to go.
Father, I just told my younger sis about selling her my new car at year end.
Had a chat with Z. He so sweet. His battery was down and so he sms me instead. He said it was my birthday and he don't want to miss it.
Father, what a birthday. I was crying on my way back. So much stress.
Yea, with E like that, there is no way I can have part time work. Whereas, with S, I can still have that.
Like I told E, I am a wrong hire. Anyway, let's continue till end Dec and I will then decide. By then I will have fulfill my commitment to WY and my commitment to the team that I have set up.
My rship with E is still good. Him not replying to my birthday sms just reinforced why I won't have my part time.
Just now I tot of having to sell my Teana. But then I can afford it. If I do stop work at year end, I can do a refinance and make it longer. I am wondering how much FD I have.
Father, this is a sign that I wanted to quit. But such irony, I have Teana. Frankly without T, I may have quit immediately. But maybe not cos I cannot just leave my team like that. Anyway, 6 months to go.
Father, I just told my younger sis about selling her my new car at year end.
Had a chat with Z. He so sweet. His battery was down and so he sms me instead. He said it was my birthday and he don't want to miss it.
Spiritual practice requires commitment
Jul 3
Father, I woke up at 4 am. I was fine but hesitant and tot this is not an easy job to get up early and do practices. Then I tot of the benefits, my healthy, my sanity, my good looks. With that I start my practices. All were good.
During yday session, I nominated myself out of Finance. Alas, not granted as I am already out of Comp margin. Also, SS said he fight to keep me in. No wonder, he is so insistent I cannot go. If he fight for me to be in and then let me go, he look like a fool.
1. Issue
Receptivity
Listening is one of the basic secrets of entering into the temple of God. Listening means passivity, means forgetting urself completely - only then can u listen.
Neither duty, tot of merit or reward are important. Sensitivity, intuition and compassion are the qualities that shine forth now, dissolving all the obstacles that keep us separate from each other and from the whole.
2. Internal influence
Consciousness
Buddha represents the consciousness that is available to all who become a master of the mind and can use it as the servant it is meant to be.
When u choose this card, it means that there is a crystal clarity available right now, detached, rooted in the deep stillness that lies at the core of ur being.
There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding u have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself. Accept this great gift, and share it.
3. External influence of which u r aware
The Source
Zen asks u to come out of the head and go to the basic source. Zazen means just sitting at the very source, not moving anywhere, a tremendous force arises, a transformation of energy into light and love, into greater life, into compassion, into creativity. It can take many forms. But first, u have to learn how to be at the source. Then the source will decide where ur potential is. U can relax at the source and it will take u to ur very potential.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Compromise
Don't be clever, otherwise u will remain the same, u will not change.
Compromise always leave a bitter taste in the mouth.
If u r confused, remember that u r confused. U then have started on the journey.
5. Resolution
Ice-olation.
We r miserable because we r too much in the self. Either u can be in existence or u can be in the self. To be in the self means to become an island. If u r flowing, the self cannot exist.
Father, I woke up at 4 am. I was fine but hesitant and tot this is not an easy job to get up early and do practices. Then I tot of the benefits, my healthy, my sanity, my good looks. With that I start my practices. All were good.
During yday session, I nominated myself out of Finance. Alas, not granted as I am already out of Comp margin. Also, SS said he fight to keep me in. No wonder, he is so insistent I cannot go. If he fight for me to be in and then let me go, he look like a fool.
1. Issue
Receptivity
Listening is one of the basic secrets of entering into the temple of God. Listening means passivity, means forgetting urself completely - only then can u listen.
Neither duty, tot of merit or reward are important. Sensitivity, intuition and compassion are the qualities that shine forth now, dissolving all the obstacles that keep us separate from each other and from the whole.
2. Internal influence
Consciousness
Buddha represents the consciousness that is available to all who become a master of the mind and can use it as the servant it is meant to be.
When u choose this card, it means that there is a crystal clarity available right now, detached, rooted in the deep stillness that lies at the core of ur being.
There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding u have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself. Accept this great gift, and share it.
3. External influence of which u r aware
The Source
Zen asks u to come out of the head and go to the basic source. Zazen means just sitting at the very source, not moving anywhere, a tremendous force arises, a transformation of energy into light and love, into greater life, into compassion, into creativity. It can take many forms. But first, u have to learn how to be at the source. Then the source will decide where ur potential is. U can relax at the source and it will take u to ur very potential.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Compromise
Don't be clever, otherwise u will remain the same, u will not change.
Compromise always leave a bitter taste in the mouth.
If u r confused, remember that u r confused. U then have started on the journey.
5. Resolution
Ice-olation.
We r miserable because we r too much in the self. Either u can be in existence or u can be in the self. To be in the self means to become an island. If u r flowing, the self cannot exist.
Fear of losing my Dream of 3 days week
Jul 2
Father, I slept early yday and woke up at 4 am to do my practices. Suria was effortless but I had some tots of Z. Then I did breathing and found I couldn't go in and later I did Shakti. Half way thru, I just don't want to do it and I finished it at 6.10 am and went back to sleep and woke up at 6.55 am.
Why??
I think the issue of non-entity still troubles me. Tots of me losing my retirement plans still troubles me. Tot of Z non-commitment still troubles me. Tot of people riding on me because of my passion troubles me. Tot of me using valuation cause me to be a commodity troubles me.
Resolution
The Fool
Ur actions may appear "foolish" to others, or even to urself, if u try to analyse them with the rational mind. But the 'zero' place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
Let me do what I need to do. Its true my valuation do drives me. But it no longer is the main thing. Let me just come to myself. If I am stupid, so be it.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
The understanding of what it is to be oneself unifies the spiritual and the mundane. It unifies the teachings of people like Christ and Buddha with the yearning of the ordinary person.
There must be some truth to both the universal spiritual teachings and the personal longing experienced by the majority of people. There must be something which unifies these so that they are not in contradiction. And to really make that unification, not theoretically or mentally but experientially, is to see the two as one, is the door to knowing what it is to be oneself. Without this unification of spiritual and personal, even cosmic and divine experience lacks the aspect of celebration.
It doesn't matter what authorities or teachers says if it doesn't make sense in my own experience. The more u question and think for urself, the more u become urself.
To be oneself, means not to be conditioned by others, by the external, not to be an extension of the past, yours or anyone else's past. To be oneself, means to be an original. U want a normal life, and still to be happy and free; not just free on a mountain retreat, but free in ur normal life.
How can u be a free person, be urself and not be controlled by ego and personality? Is it possible to be oneself without being one's personality?
We have a true longing to live as royalty and have dominion over our own lives.
Soul
Father, part of the reason why I want to write is to be non-doing. Part of me is envious of people who are able to let go, to be not doing.
Of course, at home, I am completely non-doing. At work, mostly doing.
Diamond Heart - book 2
To be oneself is true "joi de vivre". Joy is for simply existing; and all value and celebration is of this beingness.
The moment u know who u r, it becomes easier to know what is not u, what is conditioned and what is personality.
When u r truly personal, u r not just merged with the universe, u r a child of the universe. U r the microcosm.
Then u can live this earth with all the pleasures, with all the festivities, and all the freedom and power - all from the universal, but on earth, as a human being. Then u r everything - a friend, a lover, a warrior. U r the personal and universal with no contradiction.
Aloneness means u r urself and u r not influenced by others. To be completely oneself is to be alone inside u, with nothing hanging on u, pushing u, pulling u. Then what opens up is a kindness, a warmth, a tenderness, a compassion for oneself.
The moment u know urself, u can always recognise it. Then, if this is not present, u can ask what is stopping it. By understanding what is stopping u, u become urself again. When all the issues and beliefs and images that block this experience are removed by understanding, then it is not just a state u experience, but a station.
A station means that a quality of essence is present whenever there is a need. When u r urself as a station, u r no longer being guided, u have matured.
Father, I slept early yday and woke up at 4 am to do my practices. Suria was effortless but I had some tots of Z. Then I did breathing and found I couldn't go in and later I did Shakti. Half way thru, I just don't want to do it and I finished it at 6.10 am and went back to sleep and woke up at 6.55 am.
Why??
I think the issue of non-entity still troubles me. Tots of me losing my retirement plans still troubles me. Tot of Z non-commitment still troubles me. Tot of people riding on me because of my passion troubles me. Tot of me using valuation cause me to be a commodity troubles me.
Resolution
The Fool
Ur actions may appear "foolish" to others, or even to urself, if u try to analyse them with the rational mind. But the 'zero' place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
Let me do what I need to do. Its true my valuation do drives me. But it no longer is the main thing. Let me just come to myself. If I am stupid, so be it.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
The understanding of what it is to be oneself unifies the spiritual and the mundane. It unifies the teachings of people like Christ and Buddha with the yearning of the ordinary person.
There must be some truth to both the universal spiritual teachings and the personal longing experienced by the majority of people. There must be something which unifies these so that they are not in contradiction. And to really make that unification, not theoretically or mentally but experientially, is to see the two as one, is the door to knowing what it is to be oneself. Without this unification of spiritual and personal, even cosmic and divine experience lacks the aspect of celebration.
It doesn't matter what authorities or teachers says if it doesn't make sense in my own experience. The more u question and think for urself, the more u become urself.
To be oneself, means not to be conditioned by others, by the external, not to be an extension of the past, yours or anyone else's past. To be oneself, means to be an original. U want a normal life, and still to be happy and free; not just free on a mountain retreat, but free in ur normal life.
How can u be a free person, be urself and not be controlled by ego and personality? Is it possible to be oneself without being one's personality?
We have a true longing to live as royalty and have dominion over our own lives.
Soul
Father, part of the reason why I want to write is to be non-doing. Part of me is envious of people who are able to let go, to be not doing.
Of course, at home, I am completely non-doing. At work, mostly doing.
Diamond Heart - book 2
To be oneself is true "joi de vivre". Joy is for simply existing; and all value and celebration is of this beingness.
The moment u know who u r, it becomes easier to know what is not u, what is conditioned and what is personality.
When u r truly personal, u r not just merged with the universe, u r a child of the universe. U r the microcosm.
Then u can live this earth with all the pleasures, with all the festivities, and all the freedom and power - all from the universal, but on earth, as a human being. Then u r everything - a friend, a lover, a warrior. U r the personal and universal with no contradiction.
Aloneness means u r urself and u r not influenced by others. To be completely oneself is to be alone inside u, with nothing hanging on u, pushing u, pulling u. Then what opens up is a kindness, a warmth, a tenderness, a compassion for oneself.
The moment u know urself, u can always recognise it. Then, if this is not present, u can ask what is stopping it. By understanding what is stopping u, u become urself again. When all the issues and beliefs and images that block this experience are removed by understanding, then it is not just a state u experience, but a station.
A station means that a quality of essence is present whenever there is a need. When u r urself as a station, u r no longer being guided, u have matured.
7thunder cards (Jul 2012 to Jun 2013)
Jul 2012 To June 2013
Destiny
Long Range - Ace of Diamonds
Pluto - Jack of Clubs
Affirmation; I transform myself to become more mentally creative and successful this year. I begin a new and better life on an intellectual level
Results - Nine of Diamonds
U be less attached to money and will have a new and broadened perspective about money that gives u more freedom and less concern than ever before.
Money goes in and out - that only by flowing with it can we have a peace of mind
Affirmation: I learn to release financial worries and to flow with the cycles of abundance in my life. I learn to give things away.
Environment - Queen of Diamonds
Displacement - Queen of Diamonds
Ruling
Long range - King of Spades
Pluto - Queen of Spades
Results - Jack of Clubs
Environment - Ace of Diamonds
Displacement - Ace of Diamonds.
Mercury in Destiny (3 Jul to 23 Aug)
Five of Hearts / Six of Diamonds
The Five of Hearts speaks of changes and restlessness in ur heart that can manifest in many ways.
At the deepest level, u will probably be feeling a dissatisfaction with ur current relationship or home situation and desire some sort of change. When this card appears, there is always the chance of a separation or divorce with someone u love, but there is an equal possibility that u will be taking a trip or moving to a new home. The highest manifestation of this card is that of going out and meeting new people, telling others about what u r doing and who u r. U can make important contacts when this card is around.
Five of Hearts in the Mercury period
This period could be marked by sudden changes in feelings or a sudden move away from loved ones. Travel, separations and changes could bring emotional turmoil and insecurity during this period.
Watch out for a tendency towards fickleness that goes along with this influence. At the same time u may be able to meet a lot of new and interesting people during this period and some of them could end up as romantic partners.
July 28
Soul
I am separating from new company and finally achieve my dream of 3 days work with old company.
Z is feeling sad that he is not financially stable, that he cannot afford me. So, he is trying to give me up.
Mercury in Ruling
Queen of Diamonds / Eight of Clubs
Queen of Diamonds represents a woman who likes to live and act extravagantly and who often spends beyond her means. Sometimes she is successfully engaged in her own business or in some business capacity.
This card can bring much financial success if its creative aspect is applied in some business or financial pursuit that u may be involved in. The Queen of Diamonds is a masterful card when it comes to business and finance, especially promoting and marketing.
During this period, ur mind is sharp and u can have some good ideas about how to make money for urself.
The Queen of Diamonds bring u a savvy about money that can be applied in any business for success. However, she also may stimulate u to suddenly go shopping and spend some money on a luxury item or two. Be aware so ur desire to look good infront of others doesn't hurt ur bank account. This is a good time to take classes on how to make money.
Jul 28
Finally achieve my dream of 3 days week
Destiny
Long Range - Ace of Diamonds
Pluto - Jack of Clubs
Affirmation; I transform myself to become more mentally creative and successful this year. I begin a new and better life on an intellectual level
Results - Nine of Diamonds
U be less attached to money and will have a new and broadened perspective about money that gives u more freedom and less concern than ever before.
Money goes in and out - that only by flowing with it can we have a peace of mind
Affirmation: I learn to release financial worries and to flow with the cycles of abundance in my life. I learn to give things away.
Environment - Queen of Diamonds
Displacement - Queen of Diamonds
Ruling
Long range - King of Spades
Pluto - Queen of Spades
Results - Jack of Clubs
Environment - Ace of Diamonds
Displacement - Ace of Diamonds.
Mercury in Destiny (3 Jul to 23 Aug)
Five of Hearts / Six of Diamonds
The Five of Hearts speaks of changes and restlessness in ur heart that can manifest in many ways.
At the deepest level, u will probably be feeling a dissatisfaction with ur current relationship or home situation and desire some sort of change. When this card appears, there is always the chance of a separation or divorce with someone u love, but there is an equal possibility that u will be taking a trip or moving to a new home. The highest manifestation of this card is that of going out and meeting new people, telling others about what u r doing and who u r. U can make important contacts when this card is around.
Five of Hearts in the Mercury period
This period could be marked by sudden changes in feelings or a sudden move away from loved ones. Travel, separations and changes could bring emotional turmoil and insecurity during this period.
Watch out for a tendency towards fickleness that goes along with this influence. At the same time u may be able to meet a lot of new and interesting people during this period and some of them could end up as romantic partners.
July 28
Soul
I am separating from new company and finally achieve my dream of 3 days work with old company.
Z is feeling sad that he is not financially stable, that he cannot afford me. So, he is trying to give me up.
Mercury in Ruling
Queen of Diamonds / Eight of Clubs
Queen of Diamonds represents a woman who likes to live and act extravagantly and who often spends beyond her means. Sometimes she is successfully engaged in her own business or in some business capacity.
This card can bring much financial success if its creative aspect is applied in some business or financial pursuit that u may be involved in. The Queen of Diamonds is a masterful card when it comes to business and finance, especially promoting and marketing.
During this period, ur mind is sharp and u can have some good ideas about how to make money for urself.
The Queen of Diamonds bring u a savvy about money that can be applied in any business for success. However, she also may stimulate u to suddenly go shopping and spend some money on a luxury item or two. Be aware so ur desire to look good infront of others doesn't hurt ur bank account. This is a good time to take classes on how to make money.
Jul 28
Finally achieve my dream of 3 days week
Going back to my Dream
Jul 1
Father, we some lovely time, me, B and J. We have come a long way.
Today I had a nice walk at the park. For the first two rounds, I was focused on my breathing. On the third round, I tot of how to get volunteers more enthusiastic. I was so excited that I tot I had another round to go.
Yea, looks like my retirement plan isn't on. I must decide to let go of old company. The reason I hold on was because it was my escape route.
Father, in my need to create valuation, I have become a commodity. I created it.
Father, King of Spades means I have the means to create the life that I want.
Suddenly a tot occurred to me. It would be easier for me to get a part time role in new company. I just want to do the front end part, no more reporting. I do the pricing and contract, billing and performance - client account management.
This is better than old company. So, let me take this one year, learned all that I can. And who knows, I can even go on Comp plan.
Alas, I can see the opportunity. This is a better avenue for my semi-retirement. And I can even do recruitment for them.
Jul 28
Soul
Alas, I forgot E would never let me do that. Even if I go on 3 days work, I will have to work on the nights. He expects people to be on stand-by
Father, we some lovely time, me, B and J. We have come a long way.
Today I had a nice walk at the park. For the first two rounds, I was focused on my breathing. On the third round, I tot of how to get volunteers more enthusiastic. I was so excited that I tot I had another round to go.
Yea, looks like my retirement plan isn't on. I must decide to let go of old company. The reason I hold on was because it was my escape route.
Father, in my need to create valuation, I have become a commodity. I created it.
Father, King of Spades means I have the means to create the life that I want.
Suddenly a tot occurred to me. It would be easier for me to get a part time role in new company. I just want to do the front end part, no more reporting. I do the pricing and contract, billing and performance - client account management.
This is better than old company. So, let me take this one year, learned all that I can. And who knows, I can even go on Comp plan.
Alas, I can see the opportunity. This is a better avenue for my semi-retirement. And I can even do recruitment for them.
Jul 28
Soul
Alas, I forgot E would never let me do that. Even if I go on 3 days work, I will have to work on the nights. He expects people to be on stand-by
My need to generate self-valuation results in me becoming a commodity
Jun 30
Father, last Friday I had to make it for the volunteer meet. I know I need to make it right.
I tot the volunteer meet is now dry. Not lively. So task orientated, not inspiring. I was glad that I made the effort to turn up, otherwise it may not happen.
Then I saw A asking C and I felt bit jealous. He always used to ask me and I felt I was no longer important, no longer valued. It lasted a moment cos I know I don't really want it.
Soul
I suddenly tot of Z's reply to my question.
My question - why do I always need to be a leader wherever I go?
Z's reply - because I always shows my commitment and hence people assume I am leader.
The issue with u is that u like to commit to what u do and then everybody ride on u.
If u don't want to be a leader, don't want people to ride on u, just be moderate.
Soul
I don't know how. I either like or I don't. Moderate to me means, the issue doesn't matter to me and it can go either way. For me, when I like, I commit to making it happen the way I want. I will do whatever is necessary.
But now I am not sure if I am committed to create or perform because of my issue with valuation. I excel because of valuation.
Taoist say;
That which is not created by man is valuable.
That which is created may have a relative value, a market value, but really it is not valuable; it has no value.
A man made thing is a commodity.
Lao Tze
All the useful trees are gone. Some tree were straight and is now gone. It must have been very egoistic, straight, proud of being somebody - it is gone.
This tree is not straight, not a single branch is straight. It is not proud at all, hence it exists.
If u want to live long, become useless, don't be a commodity, don't become a thing. If u become a thing, u will be sold and purchased in the market and u will become a slave. If u r not a thing, who can purchase u and who can sell u?
Become a nonentity so that nobody looks at u and u can live ur life as u want to live it. Nobody comes to interfere with u.
Soul
I drive myself to excel because I want to feel valuable vs others. Father, I just tot of my feelings yesterday in the volunteer meeting. I was restless as I was not the leader. I felt bit jealous when A refers to C instead of me.
Just like at work, I drive myself to gain the respect of E's direct report. My aim was to be their leader.
When I aim to be recognised, to be valuable, the price to pay is for people to ride on me, to use me.
Infact, if I have not been so useful, SS wouldn't fight to keep me on board and E wouldn't fight to have all of me. I am useful to them. Both also doesn't want to let me go.
Father, I needed valuation. I created myself to be valued. I become a commodity. Because I wanted the valuation, I continue to meet the demands. I become the slave to my own need to be valuable. I generate my own valuation.
Something on this. Father, give me more. I want to break this cycle of having to be valuable.
Father, last Friday I had to make it for the volunteer meet. I know I need to make it right.
I tot the volunteer meet is now dry. Not lively. So task orientated, not inspiring. I was glad that I made the effort to turn up, otherwise it may not happen.
Then I saw A asking C and I felt bit jealous. He always used to ask me and I felt I was no longer important, no longer valued. It lasted a moment cos I know I don't really want it.
Soul
I suddenly tot of Z's reply to my question.
My question - why do I always need to be a leader wherever I go?
Z's reply - because I always shows my commitment and hence people assume I am leader.
The issue with u is that u like to commit to what u do and then everybody ride on u.
If u don't want to be a leader, don't want people to ride on u, just be moderate.
Soul
I don't know how. I either like or I don't. Moderate to me means, the issue doesn't matter to me and it can go either way. For me, when I like, I commit to making it happen the way I want. I will do whatever is necessary.
But now I am not sure if I am committed to create or perform because of my issue with valuation. I excel because of valuation.
Taoist say;
That which is not created by man is valuable.
That which is created may have a relative value, a market value, but really it is not valuable; it has no value.
A man made thing is a commodity.
Lao Tze
All the useful trees are gone. Some tree were straight and is now gone. It must have been very egoistic, straight, proud of being somebody - it is gone.
This tree is not straight, not a single branch is straight. It is not proud at all, hence it exists.
If u want to live long, become useless, don't be a commodity, don't become a thing. If u become a thing, u will be sold and purchased in the market and u will become a slave. If u r not a thing, who can purchase u and who can sell u?
Become a nonentity so that nobody looks at u and u can live ur life as u want to live it. Nobody comes to interfere with u.
Soul
I drive myself to excel because I want to feel valuable vs others. Father, I just tot of my feelings yesterday in the volunteer meeting. I was restless as I was not the leader. I felt bit jealous when A refers to C instead of me.
Just like at work, I drive myself to gain the respect of E's direct report. My aim was to be their leader.
When I aim to be recognised, to be valuable, the price to pay is for people to ride on me, to use me.
Infact, if I have not been so useful, SS wouldn't fight to keep me on board and E wouldn't fight to have all of me. I am useful to them. Both also doesn't want to let me go.
Father, I needed valuation. I created myself to be valued. I become a commodity. Because I wanted the valuation, I continue to meet the demands. I become the slave to my own need to be valuable. I generate my own valuation.
Something on this. Father, give me more. I want to break this cycle of having to be valuable.
Missing my dream
Jun 29 Aft
Father, a drama with E. I am really up to my neck. I told him this morning I wake up with a tot to quit by year end. I told him to back off and gave us time to set up my dept and that we r not like him. I told him to stop throwing spanner. He corrected and said he is throwing a screw.
Anyway, net is that I told him that I am wrong hire and I cannot cope with him. Anyway, we make up in the end. Father, we are like good friends that can 'fight' and yet be ok. We been through many rounds.
Father, I really cannot do this pace. I want to focus on my Top 5. I did the work just now and E relented and did the pricing. But I don't feel satisfaction, more of a sense of relief. I just want to do a good lunch.
Father, I am not afraid. This morning I tot I can do 2 days for old company, they pay me 6k and then I can do freelance recruitment for new company - maybe 3k. That is enough for me already.
Father, I know. This is part of growth. I am meant to be a Queen wherever I go.
My swan is out and I am worried I lost her. The eagle was before that. I know I have to combine eagle and swan.
Father, a drama with E. I am really up to my neck. I told him this morning I wake up with a tot to quit by year end. I told him to back off and gave us time to set up my dept and that we r not like him. I told him to stop throwing spanner. He corrected and said he is throwing a screw.
Anyway, net is that I told him that I am wrong hire and I cannot cope with him. Anyway, we make up in the end. Father, we are like good friends that can 'fight' and yet be ok. We been through many rounds.
Father, I really cannot do this pace. I want to focus on my Top 5. I did the work just now and E relented and did the pricing. But I don't feel satisfaction, more of a sense of relief. I just want to do a good lunch.
Father, I am not afraid. This morning I tot I can do 2 days for old company, they pay me 6k and then I can do freelance recruitment for new company - maybe 3k. That is enough for me already.
Father, I know. This is part of growth. I am meant to be a Queen wherever I go.
My swan is out and I am worried I lost her. The eagle was before that. I know I have to combine eagle and swan.
Trying to stay positive
Jun 29
Father, I didn't do hata today. I slept about 12 pm and hence I woke up 5.45 am to do my guru pooja, bit of breathing and shakti and shambavi. By the time I finished was about 7.10 am. 1 and half hour.
I feel better with the meditation. I was feeling frustrated and I am sure SL feels the same. We needed to set up and at the same time clean the house in order. But here E likes to throw a spanner or two.
My negative tot would be to leave at year end. Like Sl said for Finance person, we want to streamline and get to routine. If things are always messy, people won't stay.
My positive tot would be just to spear ahead once I am confident.
I will focus on the P & L, only I can get it off him.
I also realised that we do what we can and stay on track and don't let him shake us too much. It is only when I want to fulfill his request that we got lost.
A tot came, while this is not good, it was not as bad as when I was in old company. This is second worst. I tot God want me to suffer, and I survived and shine. So, this is second worst and next year I am on a King. I just need to stay positive.
I recalled I avoided regional role, avoided outsource and now double impact, coupled with such an ambitious boss. Triple whammy. Yea, I am meant to be someone greater. I used to think I can't drive big car and now I am comfortably driving one.
Two of Diamonds
We often need the association of others in order to achieve our financial goals. The Two of Diamonds will encourage us to develop relationships that are mutually beneficial between ourselves and others in our business and financial life. The most success comes with this card when we adopt a Win-Win attitude towards all our business dealings.
Father, I didn't do hata today. I slept about 12 pm and hence I woke up 5.45 am to do my guru pooja, bit of breathing and shakti and shambavi. By the time I finished was about 7.10 am. 1 and half hour.
I feel better with the meditation. I was feeling frustrated and I am sure SL feels the same. We needed to set up and at the same time clean the house in order. But here E likes to throw a spanner or two.
My negative tot would be to leave at year end. Like Sl said for Finance person, we want to streamline and get to routine. If things are always messy, people won't stay.
My positive tot would be just to spear ahead once I am confident.
I will focus on the P & L, only I can get it off him.
I also realised that we do what we can and stay on track and don't let him shake us too much. It is only when I want to fulfill his request that we got lost.
A tot came, while this is not good, it was not as bad as when I was in old company. This is second worst. I tot God want me to suffer, and I survived and shine. So, this is second worst and next year I am on a King. I just need to stay positive.
I recalled I avoided regional role, avoided outsource and now double impact, coupled with such an ambitious boss. Triple whammy. Yea, I am meant to be someone greater. I used to think I can't drive big car and now I am comfortably driving one.
Two of Diamonds
We often need the association of others in order to achieve our financial goals. The Two of Diamonds will encourage us to develop relationships that are mutually beneficial between ourselves and others in our business and financial life. The most success comes with this card when we adopt a Win-Win attitude towards all our business dealings.
To be oneself - just be what you are now
Jun 28 Aft
Father, my team is in place. Next month should be better. I have gained the respect of all E's direct reports, except for K whom I have not handle yet.
I know A now refers to me. Z is in my hand. L was the first and pro me and now N is also coming in. As for the new KL hub, he seems ok too.
Diamond Heart - book 2
To be oneself is not "to do oneself" or "to express oneself".
To truly develop means first u need to be urself and that ur self will develop. If u r being something else, that might develop, but it's not u.
Many people go to very deep places and have very high and refined experiences and insights, without knowing what it is to be oneself. Even when people really work on themselves, they are usually taking a detour. They get to states of being very open, very loving, very compassionate, even universal, without ever knowing what it is to be oneself.
Although it might be wonderful, their experience becomes very limited, very restricted. The only way we can experience all that is possible for a human being is to be ourselves. If we are not ourselves, any other development is only a sector of human experience. To be a complete human being, to be a totality and experience wholeness, to be able to experience all possibilities and all potential for a human being, first we need to be ourselves.
Soul
Exactly.
I also feels that. Just be urself. Whatever is there, experience it. Don't suppress as it comes out in projection, one way or the other.
I found once I am able to accept myself, I then can accept others. The reason why people are comfortable with me is that I am comfortable myself.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
When a person learns what it is to be oneself, the process of inner development, realisation and understanding of truth involves continual discovery and expansion.
Father, my team is in place. Next month should be better. I have gained the respect of all E's direct reports, except for K whom I have not handle yet.
I know A now refers to me. Z is in my hand. L was the first and pro me and now N is also coming in. As for the new KL hub, he seems ok too.
Diamond Heart - book 2
To be oneself is not "to do oneself" or "to express oneself".
To truly develop means first u need to be urself and that ur self will develop. If u r being something else, that might develop, but it's not u.
Many people go to very deep places and have very high and refined experiences and insights, without knowing what it is to be oneself. Even when people really work on themselves, they are usually taking a detour. They get to states of being very open, very loving, very compassionate, even universal, without ever knowing what it is to be oneself.
Although it might be wonderful, their experience becomes very limited, very restricted. The only way we can experience all that is possible for a human being is to be ourselves. If we are not ourselves, any other development is only a sector of human experience. To be a complete human being, to be a totality and experience wholeness, to be able to experience all possibilities and all potential for a human being, first we need to be ourselves.
Soul
Exactly.
I also feels that. Just be urself. Whatever is there, experience it. Don't suppress as it comes out in projection, one way or the other.
I found once I am able to accept myself, I then can accept others. The reason why people are comfortable with me is that I am comfortable myself.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
When a person learns what it is to be oneself, the process of inner development, realisation and understanding of truth involves continual discovery and expansion.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Worrying about having to go back to Isha leadership
Jun 28
Father, I woke up at 4.30 am, feeling ok despite sleeping at nearly 12 am. But I just don't want to do my practices. I want to take a break.
However, I do admit, I feel better with practices.
Father, I was disappointed with the core team. They let me continue instead of stopping me. Anyway, I just stopped here lah. Honestly what I see is that they are not able to garner support from the group. They are doing on stand alone basis, small scale. Can I do it? Yes. But I don't want to do it as I have enough on my plate. Doing it will cause me unhappiness.
Father, I think C won't be coming in as Sathsang guide. All her tactics are just delaying it. She has difficulty in saying no. I told P and she didn't disagree.
Father, I woke up at 4.30 am, feeling ok despite sleeping at nearly 12 am. But I just don't want to do my practices. I want to take a break.
However, I do admit, I feel better with practices.
Father, I was disappointed with the core team. They let me continue instead of stopping me. Anyway, I just stopped here lah. Honestly what I see is that they are not able to garner support from the group. They are doing on stand alone basis, small scale. Can I do it? Yes. But I don't want to do it as I have enough on my plate. Doing it will cause me unhappiness.
Father, I think C won't be coming in as Sathsang guide. All her tactics are just delaying it. She has difficulty in saying no. I told P and she didn't disagree.
Going a full circle - becoming a real eagle once I found the swan in me
un 27
Father, it was a good session. Suria was quite good. Shakti and Shambavi was deep. I am glad I woke up at 4.30 am since I slept late last night. I think let's make my time flexi. I have enough sleep and rest and can do my practices.
On the GE case, it is up to them to take it up. I share the idea and contact. I cannot take charge as my plate is full at work. And the E even tot of us doing APAC share services and as usual said I be leading it.
Father, I told E I cannot handle so many things. He said I be hiring people to do things, so be fine.
Aiyoh, this is really an expansion mode and with it come challenges.
Father, I am still seeing challenges or rather growth as suffering. I just want to rest.
A tot just came in - Go with the flow.
What is needed for resolution?
Integration
The conflict is in man. Unless it is resolved there, it cannot be resolved anywhere else.
The politics is within u; it is between two parts of the mind.
The eagle is the embodiment of power and aloneness.
The swan is the embodiment of space, purity, gently floating and diving, upon and within element of the emotions, entirely content and complete within her perfection and beauty.
We are the union of eagle and swan: male and female, fire and water, life and death. The card of integration is the symbol of self-creation, new life and mystical union; otherwise known as alchemy.
Soul
On challenges as opportunities, I can see it. The old me would grab it cos I needed challenges to feel valuation. The new me doesn't want it nor need it. I am just contented. Why don't the world just let me be?
Father, I used to be an eagle and then swan emerge and I want to be a swan. I no longer want to be eagle.
But why my life seems to go towards eagle direction.
Why can't I just be a swan now? It took me so long to let the swan within me arise. I am worried I lose my swan if I let my eagle comes up. I just want to be alone in my swan mode. I just want to savour myself. I don't want to reach out, I don't want to share.
A tot came when I read the Osho card. I have come a full circle, I started with being a pure eagle, then slowly turning into swan and now I am back to eagle.
This is similar to me being happy go lucky, then sadness came and now joy.
Perhaps the Swan in me is to make become a real powerful Eagle - not just outside but inside too.
Resolution
Be a fool in the Taoist sense. Don't try to create a wall of knowledge around u. Whatsoever experience comes to u, let it happen and then go on dropping it.
Go on cleaning ur mind continuously; go on dying to the past so u remain the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe.
What is really yours cannot be robbed from you, that which is really yours nobody can steal from u.
The Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
This card is asking me to trust and go with the flow. I need not worry about losing being a swan as it is in me.
As for being an eagle, my inherent is an eagle, a leader. I cannot stop being one.
I have both of them in me.
Jun 27 Aft
It is now 2.55 pm and I am still waiting for my lunch. Like SL says, I am transformed. She knows how much I love food.
Father, it was a good session. Suria was quite good. Shakti and Shambavi was deep. I am glad I woke up at 4.30 am since I slept late last night. I think let's make my time flexi. I have enough sleep and rest and can do my practices.
On the GE case, it is up to them to take it up. I share the idea and contact. I cannot take charge as my plate is full at work. And the E even tot of us doing APAC share services and as usual said I be leading it.
Father, I told E I cannot handle so many things. He said I be hiring people to do things, so be fine.
Aiyoh, this is really an expansion mode and with it come challenges.
Father, I am still seeing challenges or rather growth as suffering. I just want to rest.
A tot just came in - Go with the flow.
What is needed for resolution?
Integration
The conflict is in man. Unless it is resolved there, it cannot be resolved anywhere else.
The politics is within u; it is between two parts of the mind.
The eagle is the embodiment of power and aloneness.
The swan is the embodiment of space, purity, gently floating and diving, upon and within element of the emotions, entirely content and complete within her perfection and beauty.
We are the union of eagle and swan: male and female, fire and water, life and death. The card of integration is the symbol of self-creation, new life and mystical union; otherwise known as alchemy.
Soul
On challenges as opportunities, I can see it. The old me would grab it cos I needed challenges to feel valuation. The new me doesn't want it nor need it. I am just contented. Why don't the world just let me be?
Father, I used to be an eagle and then swan emerge and I want to be a swan. I no longer want to be eagle.
But why my life seems to go towards eagle direction.
Why can't I just be a swan now? It took me so long to let the swan within me arise. I am worried I lose my swan if I let my eagle comes up. I just want to be alone in my swan mode. I just want to savour myself. I don't want to reach out, I don't want to share.
A tot came when I read the Osho card. I have come a full circle, I started with being a pure eagle, then slowly turning into swan and now I am back to eagle.
This is similar to me being happy go lucky, then sadness came and now joy.
Perhaps the Swan in me is to make become a real powerful Eagle - not just outside but inside too.
Resolution
Be a fool in the Taoist sense. Don't try to create a wall of knowledge around u. Whatsoever experience comes to u, let it happen and then go on dropping it.
Go on cleaning ur mind continuously; go on dying to the past so u remain the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe.
What is really yours cannot be robbed from you, that which is really yours nobody can steal from u.
The Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
This card is asking me to trust and go with the flow. I need not worry about losing being a swan as it is in me.
As for being an eagle, my inherent is an eagle, a leader. I cannot stop being one.
I have both of them in me.
Jun 27 Aft
It is now 2.55 pm and I am still waiting for my lunch. Like SL says, I am transformed. She knows how much I love food.
Following my Destiny - Philanthropist
Jun 26
Father, I woke up at 4 am to do my practices. The asanas was not too bad. Breathing not good. Shakti was good. I slept after hata. I must be tired cos I slept more than half an hour and I didn't have time for Shambavi.
It has been quite a tiring Sunday followed by a hectic Monday.
Such irony. I know I didn't want to do physical volunteering. And I already decided I am fine with giving money.
I am also ok with getting money from people.
I also recalled my Queen of Diamond - Philanthropist. I used to think it could never be. For the first time in my life, I think it is possible. I do have a flair of promoting something I believe in.
Now I can see the Ripeness
- All u need to do is relax where u r, and be willing for it to happen. This sharing of urself, this expression of ur creativity, can come in many ways. It is simply the right time.
Father, I woke up at 4 am to do my practices. The asanas was not too bad. Breathing not good. Shakti was good. I slept after hata. I must be tired cos I slept more than half an hour and I didn't have time for Shambavi.
It has been quite a tiring Sunday followed by a hectic Monday.
Such irony. I know I didn't want to do physical volunteering. And I already decided I am fine with giving money.
I am also ok with getting money from people.
I also recalled my Queen of Diamond - Philanthropist. I used to think it could never be. For the first time in my life, I think it is possible. I do have a flair of promoting something I believe in.
Now I can see the Ripeness
- All u need to do is relax where u r, and be willing for it to happen. This sharing of urself, this expression of ur creativity, can come in many ways. It is simply the right time.
Feeling settled after the drama with Z
Jun 25 Aft
Firstly, all the turmoil I faced yesterday with Z. He really did contact me for so many times. He called and msg me and called the hotels so many times. I let child cried loads yesterday. Luckily I tot of emailing him and I refer to Osho and it led me to see clearly. To allow my sadness to be and to have the courage to go with the flow.
Good thing is that I vented my anger. I am no longer afraid to show both anger and sadness to Z.
He also told me he felt bad about the previous botched date. He drove all the way outstation but couldn't repair the machine.
Father, he really deserved to be love lah. Something about him tug my heart. When he said he is ok with my menses, my heart melt. We slept so well together.
Father, thanks for guiding me with him. Thanks for yday episode, all the old fears of rejection came in and I faced it and I overcome it. I choose to let go of my past. I felt a sense of contentment. I am tired but fulfilled. Now issue is more at work. I don't really want to work.
1. The Issue
Ripeness
When the fruit is ripe, it drops from the tree by itself. This card appears when u r ready to share ur inner riches. All u need to do is relax right where u r, and be willing for it to happen.
Soul
Really not sure on this. But I know now is the time for Sadhguru. Actually I have turned into a Philanthropist. I have contributed 1k for ticket, then another 100 for car sticker and now another 200 for banners and I reached out to all. Actually I think raising money is easier for me, but I would say I too need to contribute.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Success
Enjoy the peak while it lasts and then enjoy the valley when it comes.
A peak is an excitement and nobody can exist continuously in an excitement. Low is relaxation.
All the phenomena in life, whether they be valleys or peaks, "this too will pass"
Soul
I m getting this card for consecutive weeks. I am not sure of the success. But I just want to know everything will pass, especially the work. On Z, that was our biggest finale to date and we overcome it. One thing I know is that both of us wants to be together.
3. External influence
Morality
Queen of Cloud lurks in the minds of us who have been brought up with rigid ideas of good and bad. All judgements are just products of our conditioning.
Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts can we begin to see life as it really is.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Integration
The politics is within u.
The eagle is the embodiment of power and aloneness.
The swan is the embodiment of space and purity, gently floating and diving, upon and within the element of the emotions, entirely content and complete with her perfection and beauty.
We are the union of eagle and swan
This card of integration is the symbol of self-creation, new life and mystical union, otherwise known as alchemy.
5. Resolution
The Fool.
Firstly, all the turmoil I faced yesterday with Z. He really did contact me for so many times. He called and msg me and called the hotels so many times. I let child cried loads yesterday. Luckily I tot of emailing him and I refer to Osho and it led me to see clearly. To allow my sadness to be and to have the courage to go with the flow.
Good thing is that I vented my anger. I am no longer afraid to show both anger and sadness to Z.
He also told me he felt bad about the previous botched date. He drove all the way outstation but couldn't repair the machine.
Father, he really deserved to be love lah. Something about him tug my heart. When he said he is ok with my menses, my heart melt. We slept so well together.
Father, thanks for guiding me with him. Thanks for yday episode, all the old fears of rejection came in and I faced it and I overcome it. I choose to let go of my past. I felt a sense of contentment. I am tired but fulfilled. Now issue is more at work. I don't really want to work.
1. The Issue
Ripeness
When the fruit is ripe, it drops from the tree by itself. This card appears when u r ready to share ur inner riches. All u need to do is relax right where u r, and be willing for it to happen.
Soul
Really not sure on this. But I know now is the time for Sadhguru. Actually I have turned into a Philanthropist. I have contributed 1k for ticket, then another 100 for car sticker and now another 200 for banners and I reached out to all. Actually I think raising money is easier for me, but I would say I too need to contribute.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Success
Enjoy the peak while it lasts and then enjoy the valley when it comes.
A peak is an excitement and nobody can exist continuously in an excitement. Low is relaxation.
All the phenomena in life, whether they be valleys or peaks, "this too will pass"
Soul
I m getting this card for consecutive weeks. I am not sure of the success. But I just want to know everything will pass, especially the work. On Z, that was our biggest finale to date and we overcome it. One thing I know is that both of us wants to be together.
3. External influence
Morality
Queen of Cloud lurks in the minds of us who have been brought up with rigid ideas of good and bad. All judgements are just products of our conditioning.
Only when we break through the cage of our conditioning and reach the truth of our own hearts can we begin to see life as it really is.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Integration
The politics is within u.
The eagle is the embodiment of power and aloneness.
The swan is the embodiment of space and purity, gently floating and diving, upon and within the element of the emotions, entirely content and complete with her perfection and beauty.
We are the union of eagle and swan
This card of integration is the symbol of self-creation, new life and mystical union, otherwise known as alchemy.
5. Resolution
The Fool.
Drama on my meet-up with Z - test of courage to face sadness
Jun 24 afternoon
Father, what a day today!
Z and I had a date.
This morning I woke up with menses. It was nearly 1.5 weeks early. I told my mom and she said it is because I am now feeling weak and hence menses is haywire.
I tried to call him around noon but voice mail. I wanted to tell him about my menses and see if he is ok to meet up. Since I couldn't get him, I hang up.
I came around 2.15 pm and waited for him alas, he didn't come. I called so many times via the hotel but there were no response, just voice mail. I know he couldn't reach me cos I have told him my mobile was un-contactable.
Finally around 5 pm, I send him a mail and within minutes he called me from the reception. He said he has already send me an sms ...I am now not sure if he is saying about cancellation or him being late. He said he was hijacked by his sister and etc.
My first tot...again I am the last...I am not wanted.
Now perhaps it was cancellation...the child in me comes up....and I cried again. I have already cried in the room...and now went to Osho...
Alas, there is tarot card on relationship....
Father...what am I to do. My first tot is to end it, to run away. I don't want to be disappointed again and again, I don't want to be sad...
Issue faced
Courage
There is no point fighting against the challenges of life, or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there, and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.
Insight
Transformation
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow, or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity." It is very much like the experience of Gautam Buddha when, after years of seeking, he finally gave up, knowing there was nothing more that he could do. That very night, he became enlightened.
Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And, like death, it takes you from one dimension into another.
Soul
A tot came...not sure why..but it is on self-mastery. When I undertake this journey, i wanted to be self resilient, able to defend myself against anything that comes my way.
Alas, the matter is to be open to things that comes my way. The more I fight against feeling of unlovability, the more I attract such circumstance...and alas...am I unlovable??
No...I m actually quite lovable..
I suddenly tot of what I told Z,...it is not that you are unlovable..it is just that you make ur partner run off. In his case, his belief that every partner is the same cause him to be lackaisadal about his partner. Since the partner doesn't feel special, ie felt rejected, they reject him in return.
Father, what a day today!
Z and I had a date.
This morning I woke up with menses. It was nearly 1.5 weeks early. I told my mom and she said it is because I am now feeling weak and hence menses is haywire.
I tried to call him around noon but voice mail. I wanted to tell him about my menses and see if he is ok to meet up. Since I couldn't get him, I hang up.
I came around 2.15 pm and waited for him alas, he didn't come. I called so many times via the hotel but there were no response, just voice mail. I know he couldn't reach me cos I have told him my mobile was un-contactable.
Finally around 5 pm, I send him a mail and within minutes he called me from the reception. He said he has already send me an sms ...I am now not sure if he is saying about cancellation or him being late. He said he was hijacked by his sister and etc.
My first tot...again I am the last...I am not wanted.
Now perhaps it was cancellation...the child in me comes up....and I cried again. I have already cried in the room...and now went to Osho...
Alas, there is tarot card on relationship....
Father...what am I to do. My first tot is to end it, to run away. I don't want to be disappointed again and again, I don't want to be sad...
Issue faced
Courage
There is no point fighting against the challenges of life, or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there, and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.
Insight
Transformation
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow, or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity." It is very much like the experience of Gautam Buddha when, after years of seeking, he finally gave up, knowing there was nothing more that he could do. That very night, he became enlightened.
Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And, like death, it takes you from one dimension into another.
Soul
A tot came...not sure why..but it is on self-mastery. When I undertake this journey, i wanted to be self resilient, able to defend myself against anything that comes my way.
Alas, the matter is to be open to things that comes my way. The more I fight against feeling of unlovability, the more I attract such circumstance...and alas...am I unlovable??
No...I m actually quite lovable..
I suddenly tot of what I told Z,...it is not that you are unlovable..it is just that you make ur partner run off. In his case, his belief that every partner is the same cause him to be lackaisadal about his partner. Since the partner doesn't feel special, ie felt rejected, they reject him in return.
Drama on Z - courage to face my sadness so I can renew my commitment to grow!
Jun 22
Father, today I wake up at 7 am. I was fine and happy but I don't feel like doing anything at all. I just want me time.
To me, yoga is also work. It is true Pearly said I put all my drive into yoga practices.
Suddenly tot of my Resolution - Slowing down - just be.
As for Z, next step is up to him. If no step, we will end like that. I am not leaving him, I just want a change. If he doesn't initiate, he ended it. I don't have to do anything. While I hope he would but I don't expect cos he operates from the mind.
Father, alas I am also rested on Z.
Father, when I saw the mail from J saying that I should be handling the correspondence from the tax consultant. My first tot was affronted. Why every time is has to be me? Why can't they do their part? Why I have to be the one that suffer? Why E doesn't care for me like the rest? My emotion was running bit off.
However, 5 minutes later, I tot that's because E trust me, E knew I can handle things.
Father, guess I m bit sensitive. I tend to take things negatively. I tend to think people makes me suffer whenever they put me up there.
Father, I don't know what to do. What is the right thing with Z? I just read my article dated 20 May about my talk with him. In that article, I decided to go all the way, not to take his issue personally.
It is just one month later and
I went to Osho and the following msg came.
The King's challenge to his 3 sons
The seed is never in danger, remember. What danger can there be for the seed? It is absolutely protected. But the plant is always in danger, the plant is very soft. The seed is like a stone, hard, hidden behind a hard crust. But the plant has to pass through a thousand and one hazards. And not all plants are going to attain to that height where they can bloom into flowers, a thousand and one flowers.
Very few human beings attain to the second stage, and very few of those who attain the second stage attain the third, the stage of the flower. Why can't they attain the third stage, the stage of the flower? Because of greed, because of miserliness, they are not ready to share ...because of a state of unlovingness.
Courage is needed to become a plant and love is needed to become a flower. A flower means the tree is opening up its heart, releasing its perfume, giving its soul, pouring its being into existence.
Don't remain a seed. Gather courage - courage to drop the ego, courage to drop the securities, courage to drop the safeties, courage to be vulnerable.
Soul
This is the same msg as my Osho - What is needed for resolution?
The miser
The moment u become miserly, u r closed to the basic phenomenon of life: expansion, sharing.
The moment u start clinging to things, u have missed the target, u, ur innermost being is the target; not many things, but an open being, available to millions of things.
To me, this is asking me to go beyond my fear. Whenever I sense I am rejected, I will pull out the plug first. Also, I guess reading his card on Neptune, he got a Queen of Heart and I negatively tot it was not me.
Finally after 2 days of misery, I just read the msg from him. The urine analyser went down - so is an emergency. He is not cancelling our date last minuted because of change of mind. It was an emergency that he needs to attend to.
(Jul 22 - When we met on Jun 26, he told me that he went to the place but was unable to repair the machine.)
When I asked for Friday, he said not sure and it was valid. But by then my emotion came up and cancel my intelligence. I switched off.
When I said cancel, he immediately ask for next week. He really want us to meet. But I let my emotion overwhelmed me. Alas, he stayed cool. Aiyah, he is the right one for me. He always stayed calm when I go on my emotional mode.
Aiyah, I forgot my commitment. To stay on and overcome my fear of rejection. To let him go off first. To face the rejection as it is. So far, it never come but here I am playing again and again.
Osho - internal influence
Whenever we feel left out or excluded, it brings up this feelings of being a small, helpless child. It is not surprising, as the feeling is deeply rooted, it plays over and over again, like a tape in our lives.
U have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting yourself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past and let go of the old pain. It bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
Soul
Finally I know what to do. Continue with my commitment.
Day card
Ten of Heart
Soul
Yea, rested now. I just msg him on where he is and he immediately replied.
I don't want to reply back. To me, is done.
Father, today I wake up at 7 am. I was fine and happy but I don't feel like doing anything at all. I just want me time.
To me, yoga is also work. It is true Pearly said I put all my drive into yoga practices.
Suddenly tot of my Resolution - Slowing down - just be.
As for Z, next step is up to him. If no step, we will end like that. I am not leaving him, I just want a change. If he doesn't initiate, he ended it. I don't have to do anything. While I hope he would but I don't expect cos he operates from the mind.
Father, alas I am also rested on Z.
Father, when I saw the mail from J saying that I should be handling the correspondence from the tax consultant. My first tot was affronted. Why every time is has to be me? Why can't they do their part? Why I have to be the one that suffer? Why E doesn't care for me like the rest? My emotion was running bit off.
However, 5 minutes later, I tot that's because E trust me, E knew I can handle things.
Father, guess I m bit sensitive. I tend to take things negatively. I tend to think people makes me suffer whenever they put me up there.
Father, I don't know what to do. What is the right thing with Z? I just read my article dated 20 May about my talk with him. In that article, I decided to go all the way, not to take his issue personally.
It is just one month later and
I went to Osho and the following msg came.
The King's challenge to his 3 sons
The seed is never in danger, remember. What danger can there be for the seed? It is absolutely protected. But the plant is always in danger, the plant is very soft. The seed is like a stone, hard, hidden behind a hard crust. But the plant has to pass through a thousand and one hazards. And not all plants are going to attain to that height where they can bloom into flowers, a thousand and one flowers.
Very few human beings attain to the second stage, and very few of those who attain the second stage attain the third, the stage of the flower. Why can't they attain the third stage, the stage of the flower? Because of greed, because of miserliness, they are not ready to share ...because of a state of unlovingness.
Courage is needed to become a plant and love is needed to become a flower. A flower means the tree is opening up its heart, releasing its perfume, giving its soul, pouring its being into existence.
Don't remain a seed. Gather courage - courage to drop the ego, courage to drop the securities, courage to drop the safeties, courage to be vulnerable.
Soul
This is the same msg as my Osho - What is needed for resolution?
The miser
The moment u become miserly, u r closed to the basic phenomenon of life: expansion, sharing.
The moment u start clinging to things, u have missed the target, u, ur innermost being is the target; not many things, but an open being, available to millions of things.
To me, this is asking me to go beyond my fear. Whenever I sense I am rejected, I will pull out the plug first. Also, I guess reading his card on Neptune, he got a Queen of Heart and I negatively tot it was not me.
Finally after 2 days of misery, I just read the msg from him. The urine analyser went down - so is an emergency. He is not cancelling our date last minuted because of change of mind. It was an emergency that he needs to attend to.
(Jul 22 - When we met on Jun 26, he told me that he went to the place but was unable to repair the machine.)
When I asked for Friday, he said not sure and it was valid. But by then my emotion came up and cancel my intelligence. I switched off.
When I said cancel, he immediately ask for next week. He really want us to meet. But I let my emotion overwhelmed me. Alas, he stayed cool. Aiyah, he is the right one for me. He always stayed calm when I go on my emotional mode.
Aiyah, I forgot my commitment. To stay on and overcome my fear of rejection. To let him go off first. To face the rejection as it is. So far, it never come but here I am playing again and again.
Osho - internal influence
Whenever we feel left out or excluded, it brings up this feelings of being a small, helpless child. It is not surprising, as the feeling is deeply rooted, it plays over and over again, like a tape in our lives.
U have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting yourself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past and let go of the old pain. It bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
Soul
Finally I know what to do. Continue with my commitment.
Day card
Ten of Heart
Soul
Yea, rested now. I just msg him on where he is and he immediately replied.
I don't want to reply back. To me, is done.
Drama on Z (fear of sadness - 3)
Jun 21 Aft
Father, the pressure of losing Z is getting to me. I just cried during shoonya.
As for work, is work and I now I am getting the hang of it.
Yea, limits up for Z lah. I want more. I want a real relationship, not a make shift one. If his lack of commitment is due to me, then let me be the one who act on it then.
Which one is real? The child that cries out because we are last in Z's mind and want more or the child that cries cos Z is no longer with us.
Father, I don't want to share my issue with friends cos I don't want them to be disappointed in me. I don't want them to tell me what I don't want to hear. To go back to Z. Or I don't want to disappoint them if I do go back to Z thereafter. Either way, I m not sure.
What is real is I cried so much yday. It was tears of sadness.
Jun 21 Eve
A day has past. No news from Z. What do I expect? He has always said he can let me go, although he prefers that I stay. I miss him but limits up.
Father, the pressure of losing Z is getting to me. I just cried during shoonya.
As for work, is work and I now I am getting the hang of it.
Yea, limits up for Z lah. I want more. I want a real relationship, not a make shift one. If his lack of commitment is due to me, then let me be the one who act on it then.
Which one is real? The child that cries out because we are last in Z's mind and want more or the child that cries cos Z is no longer with us.
Father, I don't want to share my issue with friends cos I don't want them to be disappointed in me. I don't want them to tell me what I don't want to hear. To go back to Z. Or I don't want to disappoint them if I do go back to Z thereafter. Either way, I m not sure.
What is real is I cried so much yday. It was tears of sadness.
Jun 21 Eve
A day has past. No news from Z. What do I expect? He has always said he can let me go, although he prefers that I stay. I miss him but limits up.
Drama on Z (fear of sadness - 2)
Jun 21
I woke up and my first tot was I love Z and I miss him. I want him but he doesn't.
I was really tired and forego hata but when alarm ring at 5.30 am, I still not ready. I was feeling cheeky and didn't want to do my practice today. Perhaps its best this way, don't do whenever I am really off, then it wouldn't be a chore.
On Z, next call is his. For me, limit is up. Besides, with me around, he cannot test his charm on others and gets himself on a traditional wife that can give him children.
Tomorrow I am taking off. I needed this break. Just have a nice breakfast with mom. Go to a cafe and do my writing. On Z, there is no need for drama. Let him come back. A tot came, when u love someone, let him go; if he comes back, he is yours.
Father, what an ending to age 44. I didn't expect this. The old me won't mind this rship with Z but the new me wants a proper rship. Meanwhile, just do my thing lah. Focus back on my Top 5, but take Z out.
Aiyah, I was so sad yday and cried loads. But this morning, feeling better. Just remember my Ace of Diamond - keep on attracting partner who is afraid of commitment cos I myself also doesn't want to commit. Well I am ready to commit. I deserve better. I had too low expectation in rship and now coming to realistic expectation. I guess it is because I can't give (don't want to pay price) and hence I don't ask from my partner.
We have been together 1 and half year. It is time.
Resolution
Slowing Down
If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is, and u r able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before. Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.
Diamond Heart - book 2
The reason u r suffering is that u r always filling ur self with the activities of the position u take. When this is happening, u cannot experience things freshly, directly, purely. U even experience ur body as heavy and sluggish. If u allow emptiness, ur body can become light, rather than a hindrance or a boundary for ur experience.
When u allow urself to be that openness and freedom, u will experience urself as giving, as a flow of love.
Ace of Diamond
Aces represent new beginnings. A desire for something that starts a new cycle of creating.
Diamonds represent our value systems, the things we like or dislike, treasure or discard. So, the Ace of Diamonds means that we experience the birth of a new value or that we suddenly like or want something that we didn't before.
Soul
I want a committed relationship. Amen.
I woke up and my first tot was I love Z and I miss him. I want him but he doesn't.
I was really tired and forego hata but when alarm ring at 5.30 am, I still not ready. I was feeling cheeky and didn't want to do my practice today. Perhaps its best this way, don't do whenever I am really off, then it wouldn't be a chore.
On Z, next call is his. For me, limit is up. Besides, with me around, he cannot test his charm on others and gets himself on a traditional wife that can give him children.
Tomorrow I am taking off. I needed this break. Just have a nice breakfast with mom. Go to a cafe and do my writing. On Z, there is no need for drama. Let him come back. A tot came, when u love someone, let him go; if he comes back, he is yours.
Father, what an ending to age 44. I didn't expect this. The old me won't mind this rship with Z but the new me wants a proper rship. Meanwhile, just do my thing lah. Focus back on my Top 5, but take Z out.
Aiyah, I was so sad yday and cried loads. But this morning, feeling better. Just remember my Ace of Diamond - keep on attracting partner who is afraid of commitment cos I myself also doesn't want to commit. Well I am ready to commit. I deserve better. I had too low expectation in rship and now coming to realistic expectation. I guess it is because I can't give (don't want to pay price) and hence I don't ask from my partner.
We have been together 1 and half year. It is time.
Resolution
Slowing Down
If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is, and u r able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before. Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.
Diamond Heart - book 2
The reason u r suffering is that u r always filling ur self with the activities of the position u take. When this is happening, u cannot experience things freshly, directly, purely. U even experience ur body as heavy and sluggish. If u allow emptiness, ur body can become light, rather than a hindrance or a boundary for ur experience.
When u allow urself to be that openness and freedom, u will experience urself as giving, as a flow of love.
Ace of Diamond
Aces represent new beginnings. A desire for something that starts a new cycle of creating.
Diamonds represent our value systems, the things we like or dislike, treasure or discard. So, the Ace of Diamonds means that we experience the birth of a new value or that we suddenly like or want something that we didn't before.
Soul
I want a committed relationship. Amen.
Drama on Z (fear of sadness)
Jun 20 Aft
Father, Z just cancelled our appointment. He asked for next week. And I have interpreted that he put us on a one night stand. Suddenly I cried and a tot came, I don't want already. He always put me last. I replied that "I am always last" to him.
Yea, maybe it is time already.
I am worthy. There is no reason why I should be last. This is getting too one sided. Suddenly I cried.
Wow, I cried for a long time. Throughout the car drive. Not the wailing type, but tears just flows. Then on shoonya, wailing came. I just know I deserved better. It is true, he doesn't want us to end now but I prefer that we end while we r still good. Rather than to end with a bad taste. I m sure both of us be fine.
I stopped my contraceptive pill today. I don't know what will happen but at least I made a choice.
Better be neutral alone than to be sad with someone.
I deserve better.
For the first time I moved BB to Application folder.
For the first time, I didn't even visualise me being a friend, me trying to comfort him. I don't feel sorry for him. For the first time I feel sorry for myself. For now, I just want a no show. That's an achievement.
(Jul 22)
So much drama over nothing. It was actually me over-reacting due to pent-up emotion. These days I just expressed whatever I feel instead of suppress it.
Father, Z just cancelled our appointment. He asked for next week. And I have interpreted that he put us on a one night stand. Suddenly I cried and a tot came, I don't want already. He always put me last. I replied that "I am always last" to him.
Yea, maybe it is time already.
I am worthy. There is no reason why I should be last. This is getting too one sided. Suddenly I cried.
Wow, I cried for a long time. Throughout the car drive. Not the wailing type, but tears just flows. Then on shoonya, wailing came. I just know I deserved better. It is true, he doesn't want us to end now but I prefer that we end while we r still good. Rather than to end with a bad taste. I m sure both of us be fine.
I stopped my contraceptive pill today. I don't know what will happen but at least I made a choice.
Better be neutral alone than to be sad with someone.
I deserve better.
For the first time I moved BB to Application folder.
For the first time, I didn't even visualise me being a friend, me trying to comfort him. I don't feel sorry for him. For the first time I feel sorry for myself. For now, I just want a no show. That's an achievement.
(Jul 22)
So much drama over nothing. It was actually me over-reacting due to pent-up emotion. These days I just expressed whatever I feel instead of suppress it.
Self-judgement when expressing anger
Jun 20
Father, I slept well yesterday. My flu has reduced considerably. Looking forward to meet up with Z. Suria was fine. Shakti and Shambavi went in deep. Even breathing meditation was good to. I was able to go inward.
Even yesterday samyama, I was able to click and feel the joy within. I was laughing and dancing.
Father, I admit that whenever I feel my valuation dropped, I tend to want to run so I don't feel bad. There is a part of me that is not really keen to work. Without the car, I would run. Actually, to my surprise I am very comfortable with the big car. I belong in it.
Father, I read "What is needed?" - Be an open being, available to million of things.
This means to grow. This means allow my emotional control to be on manual mode. To change my perception on the following:
1. Challenges are suffering
2. Anger is low valuation
3. Reporting is low valuation.
What I found out after all these years is that I really don't know.
I really like the "Resolution".
Slowing Down
Do whatsover u r doing, but at the deepest core, remain at ease, cool, calm and centered.
If desires, hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is, and u r able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before. Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already home.
(Jul 22 - Father, for the first time I understood this. I don't know where I am heading and I am not bothered to find out. For now, I feel fulfilled.)
Diamond Heart - book 2
If u believe in islands, no matter how rich and wonderful ur island may be, u r bound to suffer fear and frustration. It is possible to see that the sense of boundaries and isolation depend on certain misunderstandings, beliefs and insecurities u want to cover up.
The island is just a mental construction, made up of memories which form a point of view.
It is possible to live without taking a position about ur experience, without having continual commentaries on ur experience. It is possible to have a painful feeling - sadness, anger - without having a point of view about it. This is an energising experience which bring openness and peace, regardless of what the experience is.
Soul
I was fine when I got angry. But later when self-judgment set it that anger is loss of self control, loss of valuation, I begin to feel bad. Then my mind played on defenses on the justification for anger and followed by tots of making amends. Finally I just admit I feel bad about anger and the bad feeling goes away.
Me, got angry - no issue. She hanging up me - no issue.
I only feel bad when I do self-judge.
Diamond Heart - book 2
It is possible to see that everything that happens is a creativity, is the process of life itself moving, changing and transforming.
Suffering occurs from taking a position; a position is rigid and goes against life's movement and change.
Soul
Yea, my idea that challenges is punishment, is God showing me that I need to prove my worthiness. My idea cause me suffering.
Diamond Heart - book 2
When u have no point of view, u can look at a flower and know the flower completely, without reaction or judgement. This perspective where there is complete openness to things, without the rigidity of a point of view, is reality.
This is the absence of rejection, judgement, suffering and restriction. This openness allows essence in all its manifestations.
Soul
Father, thank U for giving me my answers.
Now I know why all Gurus said "U cannot judge cos u truly don't know".
Father, I slept well yesterday. My flu has reduced considerably. Looking forward to meet up with Z. Suria was fine. Shakti and Shambavi went in deep. Even breathing meditation was good to. I was able to go inward.
Even yesterday samyama, I was able to click and feel the joy within. I was laughing and dancing.
Father, I admit that whenever I feel my valuation dropped, I tend to want to run so I don't feel bad. There is a part of me that is not really keen to work. Without the car, I would run. Actually, to my surprise I am very comfortable with the big car. I belong in it.
Father, I read "What is needed?" - Be an open being, available to million of things.
This means to grow. This means allow my emotional control to be on manual mode. To change my perception on the following:
1. Challenges are suffering
2. Anger is low valuation
3. Reporting is low valuation.
What I found out after all these years is that I really don't know.
I really like the "Resolution".
Slowing Down
Do whatsover u r doing, but at the deepest core, remain at ease, cool, calm and centered.
If desires, hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is, and u r able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before. Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already home.
(Jul 22 - Father, for the first time I understood this. I don't know where I am heading and I am not bothered to find out. For now, I feel fulfilled.)
Diamond Heart - book 2
If u believe in islands, no matter how rich and wonderful ur island may be, u r bound to suffer fear and frustration. It is possible to see that the sense of boundaries and isolation depend on certain misunderstandings, beliefs and insecurities u want to cover up.
The island is just a mental construction, made up of memories which form a point of view.
It is possible to live without taking a position about ur experience, without having continual commentaries on ur experience. It is possible to have a painful feeling - sadness, anger - without having a point of view about it. This is an energising experience which bring openness and peace, regardless of what the experience is.
Soul
I was fine when I got angry. But later when self-judgment set it that anger is loss of self control, loss of valuation, I begin to feel bad. Then my mind played on defenses on the justification for anger and followed by tots of making amends. Finally I just admit I feel bad about anger and the bad feeling goes away.
Me, got angry - no issue. She hanging up me - no issue.
I only feel bad when I do self-judge.
Diamond Heart - book 2
It is possible to see that everything that happens is a creativity, is the process of life itself moving, changing and transforming.
Suffering occurs from taking a position; a position is rigid and goes against life's movement and change.
Soul
Yea, my idea that challenges is punishment, is God showing me that I need to prove my worthiness. My idea cause me suffering.
Diamond Heart - book 2
When u have no point of view, u can look at a flower and know the flower completely, without reaction or judgement. This perspective where there is complete openness to things, without the rigidity of a point of view, is reality.
This is the absence of rejection, judgement, suffering and restriction. This openness allows essence in all its manifestations.
Soul
Father, thank U for giving me my answers.
Now I know why all Gurus said "U cannot judge cos u truly don't know".
Fear of suffering and Drive for pleasure is the same!
Jun 8
Father, woke up and did my practices. Suria was quite effortless despite my flu. Shakti and shambavi was fine too. I noticed little tots when I was focused on steps but whenever I just stop, tots comes rushing in like a downpour.
Father, fear of suffering is definitely my mode and Z's mode is drive for pleasure. He is not afraid of suffering and hence able to endure no money. I am not able to endure no money and hence spend below my means.
On the practices, my fear of suffering is the reason I continue. For Z, since there is no fear of suffering and the meditation doesn't result in pleasure, he is not keen to do it. Father, in reality, no judgement can be done cos we never really see the truth.
For me, apart from fear of suffering, the fear of RA also make sure I persevere even if I felt lazy.
That's why I am afraid to marry Z cos he seems always to overspend and cause himself to be in financial difficulties. Of course now, I realised I need not worry as I got loads and he doesn't want to rely on me and that helps to keep him in check.
My life is based on fear of suffering and so I avoid life. Z life is based on pleasure so he push life. We are at both end.
Father, woke up and did my practices. Suria was quite effortless despite my flu. Shakti and shambavi was fine too. I noticed little tots when I was focused on steps but whenever I just stop, tots comes rushing in like a downpour.
Father, fear of suffering is definitely my mode and Z's mode is drive for pleasure. He is not afraid of suffering and hence able to endure no money. I am not able to endure no money and hence spend below my means.
On the practices, my fear of suffering is the reason I continue. For Z, since there is no fear of suffering and the meditation doesn't result in pleasure, he is not keen to do it. Father, in reality, no judgement can be done cos we never really see the truth.
For me, apart from fear of suffering, the fear of RA also make sure I persevere even if I felt lazy.
That's why I am afraid to marry Z cos he seems always to overspend and cause himself to be in financial difficulties. Of course now, I realised I need not worry as I got loads and he doesn't want to rely on me and that helps to keep him in check.
My life is based on fear of suffering and so I avoid life. Z life is based on pleasure so he push life. We are at both end.
Enormous Trust or Intelligence is required for voluntary growth!
Jun 7 Eve
Sadhguru
It takes enormous intelligence for a person to grow without struggle. Not that it is impossible. Most of the people struggle to grow. Either it takes enormous intelligence or it takes enormous trust. These are the only two ways on can grow without struggle. Otherwise, struggle is inevitable.
Jul 22
I have been observing the stagnant lake in the park. When the water is not flowing, stagnancy sets in and dirt growth.
I learn that I want to flow...
Sadhguru
It takes enormous intelligence for a person to grow without struggle. Not that it is impossible. Most of the people struggle to grow. Either it takes enormous intelligence or it takes enormous trust. These are the only two ways on can grow without struggle. Otherwise, struggle is inevitable.
Jul 22
I have been observing the stagnant lake in the park. When the water is not flowing, stagnancy sets in and dirt growth.
I learn that I want to flow...
Friday, July 20, 2012
If u accept the now...u want it..u cannot become unhappy
Jun 7 Aft
Father, thank U for guiding me to Sadhguru. I am thankful for the practices. It allows me to free my mind and gave me rest, peace and joy.
This morning I was laughing loads during aum chanting. I felt so much better.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
If u r attached to anything, there is suffering, especially for fear of loss of it. If u have something, u r afraid of losing it; if u don't have it, u r frustrated and suffering the absence. There is no rest or peace because something always has to be done to keep the desired object there.
The very holding onto heaven is the hell. Pain is not separate from pleasure, heaven is not separate from hell. Psychological pain is just the attempt to hold on to the pleasure itself; this is the origin of all emotional pain.
As long as u desire freedom, as long as u desire happiness, they will elude u.
As long as u want something that is not what is there, at that moment there is a division, a war.
Soul
Tot of Sadhguru's saying; u r happy as long as what u want is there.
So that means u r not happy when what u want is not there.
Wanting is equivalent to accepting.
Happiness is just a result.
So, by not choosing what to want, by accepting, at least sadness won't arise.
A tot came; my 80/20 rule. 20 percent u love, 20 percent u hate, 60 percent is neutral. So, by being in neutral circumstances, I don't feel sad
By avoiding things I don't want, I definitely don't fee sad.
But what eludes me is the possibility of happiness as I don't really know what I want.
My game in life is avoidance as I know what I don't want.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
It doesn't matter what u think u want at any given moment. It doesn't matter whether u think it's good or bad. That's not the point. The point here is the movement of the attitude of rejection, the attitude of wanting and desiring. The content is irrelevant.
U might be experiencing misery and want happiness. Or u might be experiencing freedom and feel afraid of losing it. U might be experiencing something wonderful and want to hold on to it, not want it to change.
It is all the same movement. There is a division in ur experience and there is a struggle. It is not peace. It is not harmony, it is not freedom. It is conflict and violence.
Soul
Suddenly tot of Acceptance of NOW.
Father, thank U for guiding me to Sadhguru. I am thankful for the practices. It allows me to free my mind and gave me rest, peace and joy.
This morning I was laughing loads during aum chanting. I felt so much better.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
If u r attached to anything, there is suffering, especially for fear of loss of it. If u have something, u r afraid of losing it; if u don't have it, u r frustrated and suffering the absence. There is no rest or peace because something always has to be done to keep the desired object there.
The very holding onto heaven is the hell. Pain is not separate from pleasure, heaven is not separate from hell. Psychological pain is just the attempt to hold on to the pleasure itself; this is the origin of all emotional pain.
As long as u desire freedom, as long as u desire happiness, they will elude u.
As long as u want something that is not what is there, at that moment there is a division, a war.
Soul
Tot of Sadhguru's saying; u r happy as long as what u want is there.
So that means u r not happy when what u want is not there.
Wanting is equivalent to accepting.
Happiness is just a result.
So, by not choosing what to want, by accepting, at least sadness won't arise.
A tot came; my 80/20 rule. 20 percent u love, 20 percent u hate, 60 percent is neutral. So, by being in neutral circumstances, I don't feel sad
By avoiding things I don't want, I definitely don't fee sad.
But what eludes me is the possibility of happiness as I don't really know what I want.
My game in life is avoidance as I know what I don't want.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
It doesn't matter what u think u want at any given moment. It doesn't matter whether u think it's good or bad. That's not the point. The point here is the movement of the attitude of rejection, the attitude of wanting and desiring. The content is irrelevant.
U might be experiencing misery and want happiness. Or u might be experiencing freedom and feel afraid of losing it. U might be experiencing something wonderful and want to hold on to it, not want it to change.
It is all the same movement. There is a division in ur experience and there is a struggle. It is not peace. It is not harmony, it is not freedom. It is conflict and violence.
Soul
Suddenly tot of Acceptance of NOW.
Attachment is caused by desire and fear
Jun 7
Father, I woke up with a real bad blocked nose. I had some resistance tots but my middle finger swells and that to me is a sign I still have to do my hata. Besides, I didn't feel good when I don't do it yesterday.
So, despite a blocked nose I proceeded to do my asanas and body was fine with it. I even have a couple of laughter. Then I did shakti and shambavi which was good too.
My Team is good. I like the flow among us. Things are shaping up. I have a new group of babies now.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
U can be attached to anything that u think gives u pleasure or security: a dream, an idea, a tot, a feeling, a person, a car, a house, etc. Some are even attached to hate.
A deep root of attachment is the desire for complete unity. U want to consume it. It looks like a sticky mechanism.
Ultimately attachment is caused by desire and fear, desire for the good and fear of the bad, desire for pleasure and fear of pain, desire for life and fear of death. If u examine fear and desire, u will see that fear itself is based on desire, fear of death is desire of life, and that its opposite, fear of life, is desire for death.
Desire is there because of the absence of understanding.
Father, I woke up with a real bad blocked nose. I had some resistance tots but my middle finger swells and that to me is a sign I still have to do my hata. Besides, I didn't feel good when I don't do it yesterday.
So, despite a blocked nose I proceeded to do my asanas and body was fine with it. I even have a couple of laughter. Then I did shakti and shambavi which was good too.
My Team is good. I like the flow among us. Things are shaping up. I have a new group of babies now.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
U can be attached to anything that u think gives u pleasure or security: a dream, an idea, a tot, a feeling, a person, a car, a house, etc. Some are even attached to hate.
A deep root of attachment is the desire for complete unity. U want to consume it. It looks like a sticky mechanism.
Ultimately attachment is caused by desire and fear, desire for the good and fear of the bad, desire for pleasure and fear of pain, desire for life and fear of death. If u examine fear and desire, u will see that fear itself is based on desire, fear of death is desire of life, and that its opposite, fear of life, is desire for death.
Desire is there because of the absence of understanding.
When u r in the now; ur letting go of ur personality!
Jun 6
Father, I am not feeling good. Caught a cold. This morning I didn't do my practice and I felt even worse. I wish I had done the meditation. I realised I would then to not wake up if I put it too early. In future, just put alarm at 6.45 am and let my body decides.
I guess the stress for couple of months has taken its toll on me. Now that SL is here, I finally can break.
Antics of the mind. My menses will come on June 8 and here it speculated that I could be pregnant and start to extrapolate. I brought myself back. How can it be possible? I am on pill and also RA pill is a prevention too and coupled with the fact that I am 45 years old. It would be a miracle and also a joke on us.
Tot of me and Z. We both have desires or what u called attachment. I desire sad-free and he desire enjoyment. We do both drive to the extreme. In my quest for pain-free I run away and in his quest for enjoyment, he become financially tight.
I have loosen up to welcome pain and he has loosen to realise it is a weakness. He no longer just says enjoyment, he knows of price to pay too.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
These seven factors brings about objectivity:
1. Energy
2. Determination
3. Joyfulness
4. Kindness
5. Absorption
6. Peacefulness
7. Awakeness
Objectivity is exactly what is needed to deal with the personality, its basic patterns and its basic tendencies toward grasping and attachment. With objectivity, u r not influenced by ur superego or ur unconscious; what u see is what is there. U r not determined by ur past experience, concepts or by opinions.
If u could look at ur difficulties and conflicts objectively, u would see they are nothing but resistance against that objectivity, against seeing things as they really are. U r attached to ur attachments and u don't want to see things as they are.
Soul
Me trying to avoid sadness is unrealistic, just like Z always spending to the max.
I live below my means and Z lives above his means. Both of us are not realistic.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
U r are attached more than anything else to ur personality itself, to the way ur personality functions, to ur likes and dislikes, and patterns. Even if u don't like it, u don't want to be free from it.
Watchfulness is a way to develop awakening. When u r awake, u r watchful without being watchful. When u r a light bulb, u don't need to look.
So, awakening is called the perfection of non-watching. U watch and watch and u watch until u become the watchfulness. Then u don't put any effort into watching, u r just awake. U don't have to look in order to see, just by being there u see. Then u don't watch anymore. But first u need to watch for a long time. U have to develop watching until u become the watching.
Soul
This is samyama. I must focus on this. Have been quite lax lately.
What I know is my body becomes even more loose when I did samyama vs shakti or shambavi. Just a half hour and everything is loosen.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
Liberation is really nothing but the personality become free in the moment; the personality loosens its grip, let itself just relax.
When ur personality hangs loose, u become like a child and u enter paradise.
Soul
Tot of the Camel, Lion and Child I got in this week Osho. A time of growth and change.
Jun 6 Aft
Diamond Heart - Book 2
As long as ur perspective is to seek to feel good and not bad, to feel pleasure and not pain, u will reinforce ur pain.
It is quite a dilemma: by desiring happiness u tend to create suffering.
Father, I am not feeling good. Caught a cold. This morning I didn't do my practice and I felt even worse. I wish I had done the meditation. I realised I would then to not wake up if I put it too early. In future, just put alarm at 6.45 am and let my body decides.
I guess the stress for couple of months has taken its toll on me. Now that SL is here, I finally can break.
Antics of the mind. My menses will come on June 8 and here it speculated that I could be pregnant and start to extrapolate. I brought myself back. How can it be possible? I am on pill and also RA pill is a prevention too and coupled with the fact that I am 45 years old. It would be a miracle and also a joke on us.
Tot of me and Z. We both have desires or what u called attachment. I desire sad-free and he desire enjoyment. We do both drive to the extreme. In my quest for pain-free I run away and in his quest for enjoyment, he become financially tight.
I have loosen up to welcome pain and he has loosen to realise it is a weakness. He no longer just says enjoyment, he knows of price to pay too.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
These seven factors brings about objectivity:
1. Energy
2. Determination
3. Joyfulness
4. Kindness
5. Absorption
6. Peacefulness
7. Awakeness
Objectivity is exactly what is needed to deal with the personality, its basic patterns and its basic tendencies toward grasping and attachment. With objectivity, u r not influenced by ur superego or ur unconscious; what u see is what is there. U r not determined by ur past experience, concepts or by opinions.
If u could look at ur difficulties and conflicts objectively, u would see they are nothing but resistance against that objectivity, against seeing things as they really are. U r attached to ur attachments and u don't want to see things as they are.
Soul
Me trying to avoid sadness is unrealistic, just like Z always spending to the max.
I live below my means and Z lives above his means. Both of us are not realistic.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
U r are attached more than anything else to ur personality itself, to the way ur personality functions, to ur likes and dislikes, and patterns. Even if u don't like it, u don't want to be free from it.
Watchfulness is a way to develop awakening. When u r awake, u r watchful without being watchful. When u r a light bulb, u don't need to look.
So, awakening is called the perfection of non-watching. U watch and watch and u watch until u become the watchfulness. Then u don't put any effort into watching, u r just awake. U don't have to look in order to see, just by being there u see. Then u don't watch anymore. But first u need to watch for a long time. U have to develop watching until u become the watching.
Soul
This is samyama. I must focus on this. Have been quite lax lately.
What I know is my body becomes even more loose when I did samyama vs shakti or shambavi. Just a half hour and everything is loosen.
Diamond Heart - Book 2
Liberation is really nothing but the personality become free in the moment; the personality loosens its grip, let itself just relax.
When ur personality hangs loose, u become like a child and u enter paradise.
Soul
Tot of the Camel, Lion and Child I got in this week Osho. A time of growth and change.
Jun 6 Aft
Diamond Heart - Book 2
As long as ur perspective is to seek to feel good and not bad, to feel pleasure and not pain, u will reinforce ur pain.
It is quite a dilemma: by desiring happiness u tend to create suffering.
Allowance of the moment, leads us to Now
Jun 5
Father, did my asanas and it was fine despite not regular practice last week. I doze off into deep sleep. Shakti and Shambavi were fine too.
Father, Z is changing. These days he is returning calls, just when I have given up hope on him.
1. The Issue
Stress
The essential man is not a doer. The accidental man is a doer. The accidental man lives in a world of uncertainty and believes as if it is certain. This creates tension in his being: he knows deep down that nothing is certain.
The quality of stress represented by this card visits all of us at times, but perfectionist are particularly vulnerable to it.
Soul
Yea, the build up was last week. This week I am much better. The only stress I have was with Z. I wasn't sure how to reconcile but luckily he called. We didn't talk about my msg.
2. Internal Influence that u r unable to see
Moment to Moment
The past is no more and the future is not yet.
The right person is one who lives moment to moment, whose arrow is directed to the moment, who is always here and now, wherever he is, his whole consciousness, his whole being, is involved in the reality of here and in the reality of now.
The man is in the marketplace but at the same time outside of it, maintaining his balance and able to watch it from above.
This card challenges us to move away from preoccupations with other spaces and other times, and stay alert to what is happening in the here and now. Life is a great ocean in which u can play if u drop all ur judgements, ur preferences and the attachment to the details of ur long-term plans. Be available to what comes ur way, as it comes. And don't worry if u stumble or fall; just pick urself up, dust urself, have a good laugh and carry on.
3. External influence of which u r aware
Rebirth
Ur consciousness is only a mirror. Neither do u come nor do u go. Things come and go.
Whatever the space u r in right now - be aware that it will evolve into something new if u allow it. It is a time of growth and change.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Turning in
Turning inwards simply means that u have been running after this desire and that, and u have been running and running and u have come again and again to frustration. That each desire brings misery, that there is no fulfillment through desire. That u never reach anywhere, that contentment is impossible. Seeing this truth, that running after desires takes u nowhere, u stop.
To develop the knack of taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessings. It is what meditation is about, just watching, as if the mind belongs to somebody else.
U r ready to take this distance now and to watch the show without getting caught up in the drama. Indulge urself in the simple freedom of Turning in whenever u can and the knack of meditation will grow and deepen in u.
5. Resolution
The Miser
The moment u become miserly, u r closed to the basic phenomenon of life: expansion, sharing. The moment u start clinging to things, u have missed the target - u have missed.
Things are not the target, u, ur innermost being, is the target - not a beautiful house, but a beautiful u, not much money but a rich u; not many things, but an open being, available to million of things.
Jun 5 Aft
Father, I am settling down. I am thankful that SL is here with me. I guess this is a settlement of rship, hence Six of Spades.
Z has also settled down with me. He has started to return my calls. He has allows his feelings for me to grow. He also sort of accepted that I am too old to bear him any children. His plan is now to expand his time with his children.
Father, did my asanas and it was fine despite not regular practice last week. I doze off into deep sleep. Shakti and Shambavi were fine too.
Father, Z is changing. These days he is returning calls, just when I have given up hope on him.
1. The Issue
Stress
The essential man is not a doer. The accidental man is a doer. The accidental man lives in a world of uncertainty and believes as if it is certain. This creates tension in his being: he knows deep down that nothing is certain.
The quality of stress represented by this card visits all of us at times, but perfectionist are particularly vulnerable to it.
Soul
Yea, the build up was last week. This week I am much better. The only stress I have was with Z. I wasn't sure how to reconcile but luckily he called. We didn't talk about my msg.
2. Internal Influence that u r unable to see
Moment to Moment
The past is no more and the future is not yet.
The right person is one who lives moment to moment, whose arrow is directed to the moment, who is always here and now, wherever he is, his whole consciousness, his whole being, is involved in the reality of here and in the reality of now.
The man is in the marketplace but at the same time outside of it, maintaining his balance and able to watch it from above.
This card challenges us to move away from preoccupations with other spaces and other times, and stay alert to what is happening in the here and now. Life is a great ocean in which u can play if u drop all ur judgements, ur preferences and the attachment to the details of ur long-term plans. Be available to what comes ur way, as it comes. And don't worry if u stumble or fall; just pick urself up, dust urself, have a good laugh and carry on.
3. External influence of which u r aware
Rebirth
Ur consciousness is only a mirror. Neither do u come nor do u go. Things come and go.
Whatever the space u r in right now - be aware that it will evolve into something new if u allow it. It is a time of growth and change.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Turning in
Turning inwards simply means that u have been running after this desire and that, and u have been running and running and u have come again and again to frustration. That each desire brings misery, that there is no fulfillment through desire. That u never reach anywhere, that contentment is impossible. Seeing this truth, that running after desires takes u nowhere, u stop.
To develop the knack of taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessings. It is what meditation is about, just watching, as if the mind belongs to somebody else.
U r ready to take this distance now and to watch the show without getting caught up in the drama. Indulge urself in the simple freedom of Turning in whenever u can and the knack of meditation will grow and deepen in u.
5. Resolution
The Miser
The moment u become miserly, u r closed to the basic phenomenon of life: expansion, sharing. The moment u start clinging to things, u have missed the target - u have missed.
Things are not the target, u, ur innermost being, is the target - not a beautiful house, but a beautiful u, not much money but a rich u; not many things, but an open being, available to million of things.
Jun 5 Aft
Father, I am settling down. I am thankful that SL is here with me. I guess this is a settlement of rship, hence Six of Spades.
Z has also settled down with me. He has started to return my calls. He has allows his feelings for me to grow. He also sort of accepted that I am too old to bear him any children. His plan is now to expand his time with his children.
Truth makes everything beautiful
Jun 4 Aft
Father, a certain calm is settling over me. When I told SL that will wrest over the P & L control from E, she said I am so ambitious. I don't think I am, I am just doing what is right.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
Joy is the presence of curiosity. It is the presence of discovery. Then u can see not just the Work, not just ur effort, but all of existence as beautiful, intricate, exquisite field. The beauty, this magnificence, includes everything in it, including ugliness. U can see an ugliness so ugly that it is beautiful, because u r seeing the truth. The truth is what makes things beautiful.
Evening
Father, I resigned myself to the fact of my rship with Z. I resigned myself to the fact that my fear of eventual sadness is the cause of me keep on pushing for a break up. For now, I cannot break it up on my own. It is easier for him to break us up.
Father, a certain calm is settling over me. When I told SL that will wrest over the P & L control from E, she said I am so ambitious. I don't think I am, I am just doing what is right.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
Joy is the presence of curiosity. It is the presence of discovery. Then u can see not just the Work, not just ur effort, but all of existence as beautiful, intricate, exquisite field. The beauty, this magnificence, includes everything in it, including ugliness. U can see an ugliness so ugly that it is beautiful, because u r seeing the truth. The truth is what makes things beautiful.
Evening
Father, I resigned myself to the fact of my rship with Z. I resigned myself to the fact that my fear of eventual sadness is the cause of me keep on pushing for a break up. For now, I cannot break it up on my own. It is easier for him to break us up.
Z is with me because of fear of losing pleasure, I am with Z because of fear of suffering
Jun 4
Father, I woke up 4 am to do my practices. Suria was fine. Shakti and Shambavi too. Towards the end I doze off and had an orgasmic dream.
Father, really not sure where I am heading. Today forgot to bring my notebook, which isn't too surprising cos these days I don't bring it back. But I remember to take my book out and yet forgot to bring the bag and that doesn't sounds too good.
On Z, I just know we r together for now and both wants to be with each other. I am the one with the fear as I knew he going to end it. A tot came, he also has fear cos he is afraid he will love me. He is keeping a tight leash on himself.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
Resistance to hell is actually the best way to stay in hell. Not wanting to suffer is the shortest road to suffering.
It is the movement of pushing things away, of resisting them and trying to get away from them, that generates pain.
Always looking for happiness, doing all kinds of things so that finally the day will come when the doors of heaven will open and they will enter with glory and live happily ever after.
Both are trying to get away from pain and go toward pleasure.
Soul
Mmm, suddenly tot of me and Z. I am getting away from pain and he is going towards pleasure. I am ok if got no pleasure and he is ok if got pain.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
Fear of hell and desire for paradise both bring suffering, both seems to perpetuate anguish.
If u don't want to experience pain, there is an attachment. If u want to experience pleasure, there is also an attachment.
Soul
I now realised why I am with Z. We are at opposite ends of each other. Since we r both strong, we try to control each other. But it doesn't work.
What I am learning from him is that opposites are also the same side of coin.
What I learned is that we r both the same.
I am afraid of leaving him because I don't want to suffer the pain of losing him. And yet I want to leave cos I don't want to big suffering in the end.
Z is afraid of leaving me because he doesn't want to lose the pleasure of being with me. While he knew I don't fit his plan of traditional marriage with children, he is not willing to let me go. His fear is then of falling for me that he can't let go.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
If u don't want to experience ur pain, there is an attachment.
If u want to experience ur pleasure, there is an attachment.
Attachment is the pure substance of hell itself, unadulterated anguish. Anguish is exactly what is produced by the movement of attachment. The movement of attachment always occurs in one of two ways: either a movement away from pain or a movement toward pleasure. Regardless of how u might try to get out of this dilemma, u won't. U can't get out of a sticky situation by becoming stickier.
Indulging in ur attachment perpetuates and strengthens the personality. It can't help but do that. That attitude is food for suffering - and for ur personality.
When u experience Essence, u will see that Essence doesn't feel that it wants this or that. It isn't busy pushing away pain or going toward happiness. Essence is just there, experiencing - no rejection and no acceptance. Just presence.
Soul
Wow, looks like no hope. No wonder I am caught. It is an age-old dilemma.
I tot attaining my Joy will help me in Self Mastery and helps me to walk away from any pain. But it didn't. It just ignore the pain and move on. I am not sure of mySelf anymore.
Suddenly tot of my Inner Influence Osho - experiencing.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
We don't do this Work so that u will get something that will release u and then u feel happy. It doesn't work that way. As we have seen, doing it that way is exactly what leads to suffering.
When u accept the truth, it could painful or pleasurable. The affect of it, the emotional shading of it, is irrelevant. Truth is what is there.
Trying to avoid pain and to always seek pleasure will mean the non-acceptance of truth much of the time. It involves the rejection of what is there. U r rejecting ur experience, u r rejecting ur consciousness, u r rejecting urself. How is that going to lead to harmony and happiness?
Sometimes ur experience is painful. What r u going to do? It is ur experience. If u don't want it, u throw it away. Then u throw away part of urself. Well, how can u be happy if part of urself have been thrown away.
Father, I woke up 4 am to do my practices. Suria was fine. Shakti and Shambavi too. Towards the end I doze off and had an orgasmic dream.
Father, really not sure where I am heading. Today forgot to bring my notebook, which isn't too surprising cos these days I don't bring it back. But I remember to take my book out and yet forgot to bring the bag and that doesn't sounds too good.
On Z, I just know we r together for now and both wants to be with each other. I am the one with the fear as I knew he going to end it. A tot came, he also has fear cos he is afraid he will love me. He is keeping a tight leash on himself.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
Resistance to hell is actually the best way to stay in hell. Not wanting to suffer is the shortest road to suffering.
It is the movement of pushing things away, of resisting them and trying to get away from them, that generates pain.
Always looking for happiness, doing all kinds of things so that finally the day will come when the doors of heaven will open and they will enter with glory and live happily ever after.
Both are trying to get away from pain and go toward pleasure.
Soul
Mmm, suddenly tot of me and Z. I am getting away from pain and he is going towards pleasure. I am ok if got no pleasure and he is ok if got pain.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
Fear of hell and desire for paradise both bring suffering, both seems to perpetuate anguish.
If u don't want to experience pain, there is an attachment. If u want to experience pleasure, there is also an attachment.
Soul
I now realised why I am with Z. We are at opposite ends of each other. Since we r both strong, we try to control each other. But it doesn't work.
What I am learning from him is that opposites are also the same side of coin.
What I learned is that we r both the same.
I am afraid of leaving him because I don't want to suffer the pain of losing him. And yet I want to leave cos I don't want to big suffering in the end.
Z is afraid of leaving me because he doesn't want to lose the pleasure of being with me. While he knew I don't fit his plan of traditional marriage with children, he is not willing to let me go. His fear is then of falling for me that he can't let go.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
If u don't want to experience ur pain, there is an attachment.
If u want to experience ur pleasure, there is an attachment.
Attachment is the pure substance of hell itself, unadulterated anguish. Anguish is exactly what is produced by the movement of attachment. The movement of attachment always occurs in one of two ways: either a movement away from pain or a movement toward pleasure. Regardless of how u might try to get out of this dilemma, u won't. U can't get out of a sticky situation by becoming stickier.
Indulging in ur attachment perpetuates and strengthens the personality. It can't help but do that. That attitude is food for suffering - and for ur personality.
When u experience Essence, u will see that Essence doesn't feel that it wants this or that. It isn't busy pushing away pain or going toward happiness. Essence is just there, experiencing - no rejection and no acceptance. Just presence.
Soul
Wow, looks like no hope. No wonder I am caught. It is an age-old dilemma.
I tot attaining my Joy will help me in Self Mastery and helps me to walk away from any pain. But it didn't. It just ignore the pain and move on. I am not sure of mySelf anymore.
Suddenly tot of my Inner Influence Osho - experiencing.
Diamond Heart - Book 1
We don't do this Work so that u will get something that will release u and then u feel happy. It doesn't work that way. As we have seen, doing it that way is exactly what leads to suffering.
When u accept the truth, it could painful or pleasurable. The affect of it, the emotional shading of it, is irrelevant. Truth is what is there.
Trying to avoid pain and to always seek pleasure will mean the non-acceptance of truth much of the time. It involves the rejection of what is there. U r rejecting ur experience, u r rejecting ur consciousness, u r rejecting urself. How is that going to lead to harmony and happiness?
Sometimes ur experience is painful. What r u going to do? It is ur experience. If u don't want it, u throw it away. Then u throw away part of urself. Well, how can u be happy if part of urself have been thrown away.
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