Jan 30 Eve
Father, a good day today. My family and I had a great time. We praise and self-promote cheerfully. There was no guest and we are happy cos we don't have to entertain.
I wish that Z will be here with me for next year celebration. I want him to be part of my family. When I prayed, I also wish for our happiness.
Today the headhunter called me again and this time I told her I am not free. I also said that I got a bigger role now and won't be leaving soon.
I waited for nearly 3 hours for a dentist appointment. I am amazed I didn't get ruffled. The dentist was good and I had 3 filling. When he was drilling, I just focus on middle of eyebrow and pain lessens.
Sadhguru
Don't piss in ur own soup. U r capable of it. If some kind of confirmation has happened to u in some way, u just have to intensify that and keep steadily on the focus. Forget about the number of years u have been with Isha.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Many ways we engage with our mind
Jan 30
Father, was too tired to do hata. Woke up at 5.40 am and did breathe watching, followed by shakti and shambavi. It was good.
Father, luckily I ignored my negative tots on Z and me. Z and I are still intact. We spoke nearly 2 hours yesterday.
Soul without shame
Ur normal reactions to judgement are not true defenses against attack; they are engagements. U tolerate the judge, accepts its terms (that it is the authority and can pass judgements) and endeavour to minimise, deflect or argue with the judgement. What u don't do, is to put an end to the relationship altogether.
To truly defend against an attack - that is, to disengage - would be to see the judgement as an unacceptable invasion or intrusion and take whatever action is needed to end it. This would mean not being involved with the judge at all.
Below are the modes of engagement;
1. Counterattack
U fight back and defeat the judge.
U usually blame others and completely rejecting an deficient feeling in urself.
It is normally explosive, intense and quick - highly reactive. No thinking involves, just action.
The result is an escalation of the interaction and continued avoidance of ur real experience
Soul
Tot of ex-boss.
2. Rationalise
U try to justify or explain urself to argue ur way out of the judgment.
Ur body may feel stiff and dry.
Men are particularly prone, which is experienced as withdrawal from emotional contact with themselves or others.
Normally rationalising to avoid feeling hurt.
Soul
I think I am rationaliser.
3. Absorb or collapse
U give up internally, replacing opposition with compliance in an effort to appease the attacker and make the situation ok again.
A feeling of dramatic loss of energy, a hopelessness and often depression.
Tend to exaggerate ur deficiency and failure, turning molehills into mountain.
This seems to be a more socially accepted way for women to engage than for me.
Soul
Tot of J and other gals.
Soul without shame
Ones normally rationalise to avoid feeling hurt. Thus u kept goin. Once u recognised the feeling, u be able to attend to that feeling and u will disengage from the judge.
Being able to recognise when u engage an attack immediately offers u an avenue of disengaging - simply to stop. This is a real option but it is more difficult. The next one will be to develop awareness of urself and the ways u engage. In addition, knowing which mode is ur familiar style can help expand ur awareness.
Soul
Exactly. Nowadays when I can see myself rationalising, I would stop and go into the feeling. The sadness will goes but rationalising is never-ending.
Soul without shame
Each mode of engagement roughly with one of the three centers of the body
1. Counterattacking - Belly
(Strength and weakness)
Instinctive, fast, without tot.
The underlying assumption is that survival depends on strength and power. The childhood belief of those who engage this way was that the only way to stop the attack was to fight back, to resist, not to be taken prisoner. For whatever reason, not fighting back felt too devastating to endure.
By counter-attacking, u unconsciously hoped to have ur own strength recognised, preventing further attacks by intimidating others. If u r the one who counterattacks, ur response must be immediate, and u will tend to have little feeling or awareness of urself at the time.
To stop the cycle of counter-attack, u will need to step back from that instinctual show of force long enough for something else to happen. What will help u is to slow down. By slowing down, u bring in more awareness of ur heart and head centers.
Counter-attackers find vulnerability especially difficult because to them it implies weakness.
Normally used in a sustained intimate relationship.
2. Rationalising - originates in the head center
(Right and wrong)
And tends to be quite mental and out of touch with feeling or direct action. If u habitually react in this way, u probably learned as a child that what was most respected was the power of the mind. Ur greatest hope for avoiding judgement was to justify urself and hopefully convince ur parents through reason that u were right and maybe they would accept and approve of u. The worst thing u could do was to become irrational or emotional, plead or throw urself on their mercy, for that would only prove that u had no logical support for ur position, that u were wrong. Feelings had to be hidden and no action could be taken without careful foretots
To break the rationalising engagement will mean letting go of the primacy of the mind. If u r a rationaliser, u must practice being aware of ur heart after being judged, or noticing what ur body wants to do.
For u, thinking replaces all other activity and basically locks any awareness of urself in the moment. It is particularly difficult for a rationaliser to feel the pain of the attack because pain implies there is something wrong with u.
Father, was too tired to do hata. Woke up at 5.40 am and did breathe watching, followed by shakti and shambavi. It was good.
Father, luckily I ignored my negative tots on Z and me. Z and I are still intact. We spoke nearly 2 hours yesterday.
Soul without shame
Ur normal reactions to judgement are not true defenses against attack; they are engagements. U tolerate the judge, accepts its terms (that it is the authority and can pass judgements) and endeavour to minimise, deflect or argue with the judgement. What u don't do, is to put an end to the relationship altogether.
To truly defend against an attack - that is, to disengage - would be to see the judgement as an unacceptable invasion or intrusion and take whatever action is needed to end it. This would mean not being involved with the judge at all.
Below are the modes of engagement;
1. Counterattack
U fight back and defeat the judge.
U usually blame others and completely rejecting an deficient feeling in urself.
It is normally explosive, intense and quick - highly reactive. No thinking involves, just action.
The result is an escalation of the interaction and continued avoidance of ur real experience
Soul
Tot of ex-boss.
2. Rationalise
U try to justify or explain urself to argue ur way out of the judgment.
Ur body may feel stiff and dry.
Men are particularly prone, which is experienced as withdrawal from emotional contact with themselves or others.
Normally rationalising to avoid feeling hurt.
Soul
I think I am rationaliser.
3. Absorb or collapse
U give up internally, replacing opposition with compliance in an effort to appease the attacker and make the situation ok again.
A feeling of dramatic loss of energy, a hopelessness and often depression.
Tend to exaggerate ur deficiency and failure, turning molehills into mountain.
This seems to be a more socially accepted way for women to engage than for me.
Soul
Tot of J and other gals.
Soul without shame
Ones normally rationalise to avoid feeling hurt. Thus u kept goin. Once u recognised the feeling, u be able to attend to that feeling and u will disengage from the judge.
Being able to recognise when u engage an attack immediately offers u an avenue of disengaging - simply to stop. This is a real option but it is more difficult. The next one will be to develop awareness of urself and the ways u engage. In addition, knowing which mode is ur familiar style can help expand ur awareness.
Soul
Exactly. Nowadays when I can see myself rationalising, I would stop and go into the feeling. The sadness will goes but rationalising is never-ending.
Soul without shame
Each mode of engagement roughly with one of the three centers of the body
1. Counterattacking - Belly
(Strength and weakness)
Instinctive, fast, without tot.
The underlying assumption is that survival depends on strength and power. The childhood belief of those who engage this way was that the only way to stop the attack was to fight back, to resist, not to be taken prisoner. For whatever reason, not fighting back felt too devastating to endure.
By counter-attacking, u unconsciously hoped to have ur own strength recognised, preventing further attacks by intimidating others. If u r the one who counterattacks, ur response must be immediate, and u will tend to have little feeling or awareness of urself at the time.
To stop the cycle of counter-attack, u will need to step back from that instinctual show of force long enough for something else to happen. What will help u is to slow down. By slowing down, u bring in more awareness of ur heart and head centers.
Counter-attackers find vulnerability especially difficult because to them it implies weakness.
Normally used in a sustained intimate relationship.
2. Rationalising - originates in the head center
(Right and wrong)
And tends to be quite mental and out of touch with feeling or direct action. If u habitually react in this way, u probably learned as a child that what was most respected was the power of the mind. Ur greatest hope for avoiding judgement was to justify urself and hopefully convince ur parents through reason that u were right and maybe they would accept and approve of u. The worst thing u could do was to become irrational or emotional, plead or throw urself on their mercy, for that would only prove that u had no logical support for ur position, that u were wrong. Feelings had to be hidden and no action could be taken without careful foretots
To break the rationalising engagement will mean letting go of the primacy of the mind. If u r a rationaliser, u must practice being aware of ur heart after being judged, or noticing what ur body wants to do.
For u, thinking replaces all other activity and basically locks any awareness of urself in the moment. It is particularly difficult for a rationaliser to feel the pain of the attack because pain implies there is something wrong with u.
Controls leads need to be in position of authority
Jan 27 Eve
Father, I was updating blog. Control correlates with achievements. The higher the need to be in control, the higher level of achievement.
I have always knew I don't like execution work, I don't like to be restricted. I want freedom to do what I want. In other words, I want to be in control. In order to do that I have to be at the Top. Hence it is true control relates to achievement.
Just because a person has a low desire for control does not mean that he is unable to take more control of his decision. It simply means that he doesn't need it nor tend to seek it. In some way, he can count his blessings that he are not driven in the way that people with a high need for control can be driven.
Tot of this week Osho card -
Going with the Flow
Be the last, be non-ambitious. Water goes down, it searches for the lowest ground, it wants to be a nonentity. It does not want to declare itself unique, exception, extraordinary. It has no ego idea.
Soul
For the first time, I am willing to let go of control and I choose freedom instead. I let go of leadership in Isha. It wasn't easy. But I am getting use to it. I no longer drive myself so that I be in control.
Was updating Dec 29 blog and saw this;
Sadhguru
When everything becomes petty in ur life, u r turning spiritual. The so-called big things in ur life become petty when spirituality arise. It is only awareness which can induce this maturity.
When u have the awareness to see through the various activities, compulsions, when u see them simply as an endless rigmarole which does not really lead u to anything in particular, then the spiritual process can begin.
Soul
Leadership in Isha was one of them. I felt relief when I read this. Now I know for sure I made the right decision.
Yesterday, when I received the mail on reinstatement of a severed staff, my mind start to make noise. I waive it and said let's 'worry' tomorrow. And the answer came and it was automatically resolved. It would have been a wasted worry.
Father, I was updating blog. Control correlates with achievements. The higher the need to be in control, the higher level of achievement.
I have always knew I don't like execution work, I don't like to be restricted. I want freedom to do what I want. In other words, I want to be in control. In order to do that I have to be at the Top. Hence it is true control relates to achievement.
Just because a person has a low desire for control does not mean that he is unable to take more control of his decision. It simply means that he doesn't need it nor tend to seek it. In some way, he can count his blessings that he are not driven in the way that people with a high need for control can be driven.
Tot of this week Osho card -
Going with the Flow
Be the last, be non-ambitious. Water goes down, it searches for the lowest ground, it wants to be a nonentity. It does not want to declare itself unique, exception, extraordinary. It has no ego idea.
Soul
For the first time, I am willing to let go of control and I choose freedom instead. I let go of leadership in Isha. It wasn't easy. But I am getting use to it. I no longer drive myself so that I be in control.
Was updating Dec 29 blog and saw this;
Sadhguru
When everything becomes petty in ur life, u r turning spiritual. The so-called big things in ur life become petty when spirituality arise. It is only awareness which can induce this maturity.
When u have the awareness to see through the various activities, compulsions, when u see them simply as an endless rigmarole which does not really lead u to anything in particular, then the spiritual process can begin.
Soul
Leadership in Isha was one of them. I felt relief when I read this. Now I know for sure I made the right decision.
Yesterday, when I received the mail on reinstatement of a severed staff, my mind start to make noise. I waive it and said let's 'worry' tomorrow. And the answer came and it was automatically resolved. It would have been a wasted worry.
To change, you need to be willing to lose what you have
Jan 27 Aft
Father, just did my role in Isha. I realised I ended all my mails with "Thank You". I don't feel like using "Cheers".
I also realised what I miss what's the 'affection' from lead role. Well, I don't need anymore.
Osho
1. The Issue
Trust
Trust life. If u trust, only then can u drop ur knowledge, only then u can put ur mind aside.
When the heart is innocent and the walls have disappeared, u r bridged with infinity. And u r not deceived; u cannot lose ur real treasure.
Soul
Well, I took a leap with easing off from Isha leadership. I don't know if it is right or wrong, I just know I am unhappy if I continue.
Also, Z is changing; he has shared about his changing plan on having children but he also is not as responsive. He hasn't been replying my msg. I am not sure and mind is saying he is running off and asking me to run too. Well, I am staying put first.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Aloneness
Aloneness is the presence of oneself. It is a very positive. It is an overflowing presence and there is no need for anybody.
When we find no support among others for our deeply felt truths, we can either feel isolated and bitter or celebrate the fact that our vision is strong enough to survive the powerful human need for the approval of family, friends and colleagues.
When there is also no "significant other" in our lives, we can either be lonely or enjoy the freedom that solitude brings.
Be a light unto urself. Ultimately each of us must develop within ourselves the capacity to make our way through the darkness without any companions, maps or guide.
Soul
This week I felt I am all alone. I am not feeling cheerful cos I don't want to continue to rely on Isha and neither do I have Z as an alternative. I felt I lost both. But I am still determined to ease away from Isha and ignore my mind's calls of running away from Z.
Actually, going back to Isha and running away from Z is just my defense mechanism to retain what I had.
I am willing to lose all, the glory of Isha leadership and my self-control on Z.
I am determined to continue.
Suddenly tot of my Destiny's Result of Eight of Spades after overcoming Pluto of Seven of Spades.
3. External influence of which u r aware
Possibilities
Don't be content easily. Those who remain content easily remain small. But there is no need. This smallness is ur own imposition upon ur freedom, upon ur unlimited possibilities, upon ur unlimited potential.
U r at a point where a world of possibilities is open to u. Because u have grown more loving towards urself, more self-contained, u can easily work with others. Because u r relaxed and at ease, u can recognise possibilities as they present themselves, sometimes even before others can see them. Because u r in tune with ur own nature, u understand that existence is providing u with exactly what u need.
Enjoy the flight! And celebrate all the varied wonders of the landscape spread before u.
Soul
Very appropriate, I begin new job and Saturn period.
I guess the way I graduated from current company, same as I graduated from Isha. I no longer derive any joy from both. Earlier I was afraid to come out.
My only joy was the newsletter cos that's writing.
I don't really enjoy sathsang. Now I know why I need good food after sathsang, cos I need to love back myself as being a sathsang guide is forcing myself to do something I don't like.
Just now S said he thinks I won't enjoy new company as I am used to 4 days work. I replied that I tot about it but things will work out fine.
I am excited about the new company. Not sure where I will be but I know I be fine.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Going with the Flow
Be the last, be non-ambitious. Water goes down, it searches for the lowest ground, it wants to be a nonentity. It does not want to declare itself unique, exception, extraordinary. It has no ego idea.
Be available to the currents of life, with never a tot of saying " I don't like that".
Be ready to float now, trusting that life will support u in ur relaxation and take u exactly where it wants u to go.
Allow this feeling of trust and relaxation grow and more; everything is happening exactly as it should.
Soul
That's it. I am not activating my defensive mechanism of self-control. I am not taking charge, setting parameters. I am just going with the flow of my feelings.
I even declare to Z, that I am open to having one child. But of cos, I would prefer not to but I can't let my preference cause unhappiness to Z.
5. Resolution
Understanding
U r out of jail, out of cage; u can open ur wings and the whole sky is yours.
U r now spreading ur wings, ready to take flight for the very first time. It may feel a little shaky but don't let it overshadow the opportunity to experience the lightheartedness and adventure on offer, right there alongside the shakiness.
Soul
Yea, freeing myself from Isha leadership, from current company.
Today I feel settled. Six of Diamond.
Father, just did my role in Isha. I realised I ended all my mails with "Thank You". I don't feel like using "Cheers".
I also realised what I miss what's the 'affection' from lead role. Well, I don't need anymore.
Osho
1. The Issue
Trust
Trust life. If u trust, only then can u drop ur knowledge, only then u can put ur mind aside.
When the heart is innocent and the walls have disappeared, u r bridged with infinity. And u r not deceived; u cannot lose ur real treasure.
Soul
Well, I took a leap with easing off from Isha leadership. I don't know if it is right or wrong, I just know I am unhappy if I continue.
Also, Z is changing; he has shared about his changing plan on having children but he also is not as responsive. He hasn't been replying my msg. I am not sure and mind is saying he is running off and asking me to run too. Well, I am staying put first.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Aloneness
Aloneness is the presence of oneself. It is a very positive. It is an overflowing presence and there is no need for anybody.
When we find no support among others for our deeply felt truths, we can either feel isolated and bitter or celebrate the fact that our vision is strong enough to survive the powerful human need for the approval of family, friends and colleagues.
When there is also no "significant other" in our lives, we can either be lonely or enjoy the freedom that solitude brings.
Be a light unto urself. Ultimately each of us must develop within ourselves the capacity to make our way through the darkness without any companions, maps or guide.
Soul
This week I felt I am all alone. I am not feeling cheerful cos I don't want to continue to rely on Isha and neither do I have Z as an alternative. I felt I lost both. But I am still determined to ease away from Isha and ignore my mind's calls of running away from Z.
Actually, going back to Isha and running away from Z is just my defense mechanism to retain what I had.
I am willing to lose all, the glory of Isha leadership and my self-control on Z.
I am determined to continue.
Suddenly tot of my Destiny's Result of Eight of Spades after overcoming Pluto of Seven of Spades.
3. External influence of which u r aware
Possibilities
Don't be content easily. Those who remain content easily remain small. But there is no need. This smallness is ur own imposition upon ur freedom, upon ur unlimited possibilities, upon ur unlimited potential.
U r at a point where a world of possibilities is open to u. Because u have grown more loving towards urself, more self-contained, u can easily work with others. Because u r relaxed and at ease, u can recognise possibilities as they present themselves, sometimes even before others can see them. Because u r in tune with ur own nature, u understand that existence is providing u with exactly what u need.
Enjoy the flight! And celebrate all the varied wonders of the landscape spread before u.
Soul
Very appropriate, I begin new job and Saturn period.
I guess the way I graduated from current company, same as I graduated from Isha. I no longer derive any joy from both. Earlier I was afraid to come out.
My only joy was the newsletter cos that's writing.
I don't really enjoy sathsang. Now I know why I need good food after sathsang, cos I need to love back myself as being a sathsang guide is forcing myself to do something I don't like.
Just now S said he thinks I won't enjoy new company as I am used to 4 days work. I replied that I tot about it but things will work out fine.
I am excited about the new company. Not sure where I will be but I know I be fine.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Going with the Flow
Be the last, be non-ambitious. Water goes down, it searches for the lowest ground, it wants to be a nonentity. It does not want to declare itself unique, exception, extraordinary. It has no ego idea.
Be available to the currents of life, with never a tot of saying " I don't like that".
Be ready to float now, trusting that life will support u in ur relaxation and take u exactly where it wants u to go.
Allow this feeling of trust and relaxation grow and more; everything is happening exactly as it should.
Soul
That's it. I am not activating my defensive mechanism of self-control. I am not taking charge, setting parameters. I am just going with the flow of my feelings.
I even declare to Z, that I am open to having one child. But of cos, I would prefer not to but I can't let my preference cause unhappiness to Z.
5. Resolution
Understanding
U r out of jail, out of cage; u can open ur wings and the whole sky is yours.
U r now spreading ur wings, ready to take flight for the very first time. It may feel a little shaky but don't let it overshadow the opportunity to experience the lightheartedness and adventure on offer, right there alongside the shakiness.
Soul
Yea, freeing myself from Isha leadership, from current company.
Today I feel settled. Six of Diamond.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Non resistance allows ur experience to flow and transform more easily
Jan 27
Father, did my practice. Suria was not effortless but towards third cycle I was laughing. I was laughing despite myself.
Shakti and shambavi was ok. No laughter during aum chanting.
There was no reply from Z. Was bit disappointed. Of course, the mind said here goes, he didn't want u and u should ask him for ultimatum. I just waived it. I remembered I am in his next year's Result and Environment card this coming year, another 2 months to go and it will be April. The next 2 months I will focus on new job.
Me and Z, closer and drift, then closer and drift. Two steps forward one step backward. I must remember that alas he is changing his mind about marriage, something I tot could never happen. I just recalled that Five of Clubs was his displacement.
For me Ace of Heart and Nine of Diamond is my displacements.
On Isha, I know my decision is correct cos I only encountered fear of losing friendship, but not fear in losing Isha.
Soul without shame
As u begin to be more aware of ur inner process, u realise that u r constantly evaluating, assessing, reacting to and commenting on ur experience.
What if u did not take a position on whether ur experience was good or bad? What if u could just let ur experience be what it is without needing to change it.
For the judge, this is inconceivable, but there is an aspect of ur true nature that supports such a possibility. This is the quality of acceptance.
Soul
Good. Just take all in. Then there be no avoidance nor attachment.
Soul without shame
True acceptance means stepping out of the world of assessment altogether. It is exactly the experience of neither rejecting nor approving. It is non-action; a state of being without attitude, simply allowing experience to be as it is.
There is no justification or effort to defend, deny, protect or promote what is there. Acceptance means u get out of the way and stop taking a position. U don't approve nor reject; u don't push away ur experience, u don't try to hold on to it. If u like it, that's accepted; if u dislike it; that's accepted. Whatever it is, ur soul is simply there with the experience.
Soul
Tot of me easing out from Isha leadership role ... another Nine of Diamond. It was difficult but I started the ending. I recalled that when Z told me to end it since I am not happy, I told him I can't. Well, now I can.
Soul without shame.
Ur soul spontaneously relaxes as it senses the arising of acceptance. There is release and letting go throughout the body as the experience of inner rejection drops away.
When true acceptance is felt for whatever is arising internally, a natural flow of transformation in the soul becomes apparent. It will unfold in its own natural cycle and pass away as something new takes its place. The spontaneous, non-defensive functioning of inner life is the gift that acceptance offers to ur soul. Some called it the state of grace.
Soul
My case is outer rejection but no inner rejection. I push away all inner rejection. Father, things are really not what they seems.
Soul without shame
U take every opportunity to maintain some control over ur world. In particular, u have learned that at least u can always control ur inner experience.
If u don't like something that happens and u can't change it, u can pretend it doesn't matter, withdraw and stop caring, or decide u really do like it after all.
If u want something and can't have it, u can shift to wanting something else, resent the world for denying u or decide never to want anything again. The irony is that the biggest barrier to a smoothly functioning life is this constant effort to manipulate ur inner experience.
Soul
Yes. In my case, I limit my wants and increase my money so I can have fulfill my limited wants.
Soul without shame
As often occurred, when mother and the environment were not attuned to ur needs, frustration would build and if it cannot be released, ur soul responded by shutting down ur sensitivity to the frustration or charge. Whatever the intolerable feeling, u would numb urself to it in order to carry on. Instead of a real discharge, a freezing of the charge in the physical, energetic and psychic system occurred. From then on, the cycling of tension and relaxation happened in a more limited field, trapped within the bounds of the frozen energy. Deep down, u believed that rejecting ur immediate experience was fundamental to survival.
Now as an adult, u continue to reject ur experience through judgement and manipulation, believing that u must still control urself. U feel compelled to take action, figure out what to do, or at least feel bad about urself. If all else fails, u can always eat something and numb out again.
Soul
No wonder. I numb myself by reading and eating.
Soul without shame
Acceptance can only arise when u recognise the extent of ur own distrust and self-rejection. U must see the judge's constant fostering of self-doubt. Eventually u must uncover the way ur present experience is completely coloured by what happened to u in those first few months of life. This makes it possible to recognise that u r not that infant and u no longer need ur mother or the physical environment to provide self-regulation.
Soul
Yea. I took charge.
Soul without shame
U don't have to like ur experience; u simply don't resist it. Resisting ur experience is the same as not trusting the movement of true nature - believing u must control things to ensure movement because u do not experience the larger flow of reality.
By not resisting, u don't get stuck or fixed on a particular feeling or concern, so ur experience is able to flow and transform more easily and naturally.
Acceptance means relaxing into ur own experience so that a natural process of unfolding can occur. It simply allows reality to be more apparent because it is not clouded by judgement. Then reality can support action through u.
Becoming familiar with the many elements of true nature support this transformation. As u r aware and stand up for the truth of ur experience, the inner frozenness of self-rejection is melted bit by bit. And through these moment of letting go, the flow of acceptance arises as a natural balm to soothe the aching harshness in ur soul.
Soul
I no longer need to act big and strong. I no longer need to be the lead nor the best in everthing. I no longer need to drive myself to be the best. I don't need to be the best to obtain self-approval nor friends/relatives' approval.
I no longer need to stand out. I no longer need to explain my stand. Amen.
Father, did my practice. Suria was not effortless but towards third cycle I was laughing. I was laughing despite myself.
Shakti and shambavi was ok. No laughter during aum chanting.
There was no reply from Z. Was bit disappointed. Of course, the mind said here goes, he didn't want u and u should ask him for ultimatum. I just waived it. I remembered I am in his next year's Result and Environment card this coming year, another 2 months to go and it will be April. The next 2 months I will focus on new job.
Me and Z, closer and drift, then closer and drift. Two steps forward one step backward. I must remember that alas he is changing his mind about marriage, something I tot could never happen. I just recalled that Five of Clubs was his displacement.
For me Ace of Heart and Nine of Diamond is my displacements.
On Isha, I know my decision is correct cos I only encountered fear of losing friendship, but not fear in losing Isha.
Soul without shame
As u begin to be more aware of ur inner process, u realise that u r constantly evaluating, assessing, reacting to and commenting on ur experience.
What if u did not take a position on whether ur experience was good or bad? What if u could just let ur experience be what it is without needing to change it.
For the judge, this is inconceivable, but there is an aspect of ur true nature that supports such a possibility. This is the quality of acceptance.
Soul
Good. Just take all in. Then there be no avoidance nor attachment.
Soul without shame
True acceptance means stepping out of the world of assessment altogether. It is exactly the experience of neither rejecting nor approving. It is non-action; a state of being without attitude, simply allowing experience to be as it is.
There is no justification or effort to defend, deny, protect or promote what is there. Acceptance means u get out of the way and stop taking a position. U don't approve nor reject; u don't push away ur experience, u don't try to hold on to it. If u like it, that's accepted; if u dislike it; that's accepted. Whatever it is, ur soul is simply there with the experience.
Soul
Tot of me easing out from Isha leadership role ... another Nine of Diamond. It was difficult but I started the ending. I recalled that when Z told me to end it since I am not happy, I told him I can't. Well, now I can.
Soul without shame.
Ur soul spontaneously relaxes as it senses the arising of acceptance. There is release and letting go throughout the body as the experience of inner rejection drops away.
When true acceptance is felt for whatever is arising internally, a natural flow of transformation in the soul becomes apparent. It will unfold in its own natural cycle and pass away as something new takes its place. The spontaneous, non-defensive functioning of inner life is the gift that acceptance offers to ur soul. Some called it the state of grace.
Soul
My case is outer rejection but no inner rejection. I push away all inner rejection. Father, things are really not what they seems.
Soul without shame
U take every opportunity to maintain some control over ur world. In particular, u have learned that at least u can always control ur inner experience.
If u don't like something that happens and u can't change it, u can pretend it doesn't matter, withdraw and stop caring, or decide u really do like it after all.
If u want something and can't have it, u can shift to wanting something else, resent the world for denying u or decide never to want anything again. The irony is that the biggest barrier to a smoothly functioning life is this constant effort to manipulate ur inner experience.
Soul
Yes. In my case, I limit my wants and increase my money so I can have fulfill my limited wants.
Soul without shame
As often occurred, when mother and the environment were not attuned to ur needs, frustration would build and if it cannot be released, ur soul responded by shutting down ur sensitivity to the frustration or charge. Whatever the intolerable feeling, u would numb urself to it in order to carry on. Instead of a real discharge, a freezing of the charge in the physical, energetic and psychic system occurred. From then on, the cycling of tension and relaxation happened in a more limited field, trapped within the bounds of the frozen energy. Deep down, u believed that rejecting ur immediate experience was fundamental to survival.
Now as an adult, u continue to reject ur experience through judgement and manipulation, believing that u must still control urself. U feel compelled to take action, figure out what to do, or at least feel bad about urself. If all else fails, u can always eat something and numb out again.
Soul
No wonder. I numb myself by reading and eating.
Soul without shame
Acceptance can only arise when u recognise the extent of ur own distrust and self-rejection. U must see the judge's constant fostering of self-doubt. Eventually u must uncover the way ur present experience is completely coloured by what happened to u in those first few months of life. This makes it possible to recognise that u r not that infant and u no longer need ur mother or the physical environment to provide self-regulation.
Soul
Yea. I took charge.
Soul without shame
U don't have to like ur experience; u simply don't resist it. Resisting ur experience is the same as not trusting the movement of true nature - believing u must control things to ensure movement because u do not experience the larger flow of reality.
By not resisting, u don't get stuck or fixed on a particular feeling or concern, so ur experience is able to flow and transform more easily and naturally.
Acceptance means relaxing into ur own experience so that a natural process of unfolding can occur. It simply allows reality to be more apparent because it is not clouded by judgement. Then reality can support action through u.
Becoming familiar with the many elements of true nature support this transformation. As u r aware and stand up for the truth of ur experience, the inner frozenness of self-rejection is melted bit by bit. And through these moment of letting go, the flow of acceptance arises as a natural balm to soothe the aching harshness in ur soul.
Soul
I no longer need to act big and strong. I no longer need to be the lead nor the best in everthing. I no longer need to drive myself to be the best. I don't need to be the best to obtain self-approval nor friends/relatives' approval.
I no longer need to stand out. I no longer need to explain my stand. Amen.
Health of relationship relates to the level of vulnerability/openness
Jan 26
Father, today I wake up at 5.45 am to do my practices. But I was so sleepy and decide to give myself a break. I slept back and woke up at 7.30 am and just did shakti and shambavi.
Just now finally opted out from the concall on Isha. I really didn't want to. When I woke up, I felt the resistance and decided to go with the flow instead. Don't push myself to do something that I am not keen to do.
After that, there was some guilty tots but I waived them off. It is fine, they are still my friends. I cannot commit to Isha just because of my friends. I don't want to act.
Then I wanted to call Z and there were tots that he doesn't want me. And he was just sharing his view, that's all. I waived it off too and call Z. He is in meeting.
Father, the mind acts and twist real fast. It is never satisfied, always come up with different angles. I was in turmoil for one month over house renovation and now that it has lost its hold, the mind tries to trigger me on my bed. Well, I admit it is not soft but I am fine.
Soul without shame
When u have a little distance, the chameleonlike quality of the judge's concerns can sometimes become quite laughable.
Intimate relationship is not a two-way connection but a four-way connection in which each person is dealing with another person and two judges.
As it happens, though, most people would be terrified to let go of their standards and beliefs about how things need to be in relationship. They tend to believe that these standards determine security and satisfaction. This is the judge's approach: make sure the rship is measured against the rules or at least those hard-won principles learned from past experience. Rather than provide fixed standards for future behaviour, experience, when integrated serves to develop ur inherent capacities to be yourself and relate from that truth. True peace and satisfaction only come from knowing, being and relating from ur true nature.
U believe that ur judge is needed to keep u safe in rship. The more vulnerable u r, the more u think u need it to protect u. The opposite is true; the more two people are willing to be vulnerable in themselves and with each other, the less they will need their judges for protection. In fact, the health and viability of a relationship is ultimately related to the capacity for sharing vulnerability.
Father, today I wake up at 5.45 am to do my practices. But I was so sleepy and decide to give myself a break. I slept back and woke up at 7.30 am and just did shakti and shambavi.
Just now finally opted out from the concall on Isha. I really didn't want to. When I woke up, I felt the resistance and decided to go with the flow instead. Don't push myself to do something that I am not keen to do.
After that, there was some guilty tots but I waived them off. It is fine, they are still my friends. I cannot commit to Isha just because of my friends. I don't want to act.
Then I wanted to call Z and there were tots that he doesn't want me. And he was just sharing his view, that's all. I waived it off too and call Z. He is in meeting.
Father, the mind acts and twist real fast. It is never satisfied, always come up with different angles. I was in turmoil for one month over house renovation and now that it has lost its hold, the mind tries to trigger me on my bed. Well, I admit it is not soft but I am fine.
Soul without shame
When u have a little distance, the chameleonlike quality of the judge's concerns can sometimes become quite laughable.
Intimate relationship is not a two-way connection but a four-way connection in which each person is dealing with another person and two judges.
As it happens, though, most people would be terrified to let go of their standards and beliefs about how things need to be in relationship. They tend to believe that these standards determine security and satisfaction. This is the judge's approach: make sure the rship is measured against the rules or at least those hard-won principles learned from past experience. Rather than provide fixed standards for future behaviour, experience, when integrated serves to develop ur inherent capacities to be yourself and relate from that truth. True peace and satisfaction only come from knowing, being and relating from ur true nature.
U believe that ur judge is needed to keep u safe in rship. The more vulnerable u r, the more u think u need it to protect u. The opposite is true; the more two people are willing to be vulnerable in themselves and with each other, the less they will need their judges for protection. In fact, the health and viability of a relationship is ultimately related to the capacity for sharing vulnerability.
Mind working overtime
Jan 25
Father, no practice today as my sis and family slept in my room. When I woke up, I had a tot that my bed is hard. Then I tot, I never tot it was hard before and I recalled because my brother and family said it. Mmm, mind sure is busy. Now that it couldn't judge me on renovation, it moves on to other things. I also recalled that I didn't choose G cos I found it bit soft. The one I like is 4k and above.
Jan 25 Eve
Father, another day passed. Did I miss him? Yes. But I am fine. My love is giving. I remembered my Issue on Trust. Just go with the flow. I want him, don't have to suppress it.
On Isha, when I saw the fiasco and note it was not handled properly, I was bit judgemental. And then I wanted to back off but I didn't as I knew it was my mind again.
Father, no practice today as my sis and family slept in my room. When I woke up, I had a tot that my bed is hard. Then I tot, I never tot it was hard before and I recalled because my brother and family said it. Mmm, mind sure is busy. Now that it couldn't judge me on renovation, it moves on to other things. I also recalled that I didn't choose G cos I found it bit soft. The one I like is 4k and above.
Jan 25 Eve
Father, another day passed. Did I miss him? Yes. But I am fine. My love is giving. I remembered my Issue on Trust. Just go with the flow. I want him, don't have to suppress it.
On Isha, when I saw the fiasco and note it was not handled properly, I was bit judgemental. And then I wanted to back off but I didn't as I knew it was my mind again.
Imbalance in energy body causes chronic ailments
Jan 24
Father, my asanas was good. Plough back not as smooth. Shakti and Shambavi was fine but I had tots of Z.
I saw Z's msg of being unable to make it. He didn't respond to my msg. I can see him running away. At the moment, I am fine. Let him think things through. He wants a breather. It was already a great breakthru that he was willing to consider marriage without children.
The old me would feel rejected and attack by mind planning to reject him too. Well, not now. For the first time I can see that as self-sabotage.
Jan 24 Eve
Father, I shared with Y and B on Isha Kriya and IEO. Y is definitely keen on IEO and Shambavi, whereas B is on Ishakriya.
Just now I received text on mms from Z. I couldn't log in and I msg him but no reply for the whole day. The old me would have reacted. The new me find it not necessary. Tot of my this week Osho cards.
1. The Issue - Trust
2. Internal Influence - Aloneness
3.
4. What to do - Just jump without bungee strip.
5. Resolution - Going with the flow.
Sadhguru
The art of consecration is to transform what is gross to the subtlest possible level. We r talking about transforming this piece of flesh and bone into a godlike entity by itself.
If u can make a rock reverberate like the divine, definitely u can make the self reverberate like the divine too. Because its the same energy; it is just vibrating at different level of operation, different levels of manifestation and expression.
Soul
I wonder if the kriyas that makes me receptive...is actually making me divine.
Sadhguru
If ur energy body is in proper balance and in full flow, there is no question of disease in ur body.
When it comes to chronic ailment, whatever may be the ailment, the root cause is always in the energy body.
Soul
I am stopping and redirecting the flow. I am rejecting my own deliverables.
Sadhguru
If u don't make ur tots, emotions, opinions, ideas, beliefs and urself, important, u r absolutely receptive. The only barrier is urself, nothing else.
When u see that the way u think and feel is not enough, u become receptive. If u continue ur sadhana, u will find love is no more an emotion, it's just a certain way that u r.
Loving someone/something means fundamentally u r still longing to become one with something or somebody. So u r just longing. It never delivers u there; it is just a vehicle. It is not the destination. Love is not the destination.
The main point is if u make urself into an atmosphere of love, the possibility of going through this world more pleasantly is definitely there for u, no matter what's happening around u.
So, especially if u want to walk the spiritual path, keeping urself - ur interiority - pleasant, is extremely important because its a very challenging path. If u keep ur interiority pleasant, if ur emotions are pleasant always, then walking the path become a joyful process.
Soul
I am not there. I am not love.
Sadhguru
If there is no love in u, then u must know something else. U must know the blissfulness of just ur existence; not being happy about something; just being blissful, ur very existence being blissful. Every cell in ur body become sweet. U don't love anybody, u don't like or dislike anybody - u r just pleasant. When u r simply so sweet and pleasant within urself, ur very presence is pleasant. Everything is experienced as pleasant.
Soul
I am this.
Father, my asanas was good. Plough back not as smooth. Shakti and Shambavi was fine but I had tots of Z.
I saw Z's msg of being unable to make it. He didn't respond to my msg. I can see him running away. At the moment, I am fine. Let him think things through. He wants a breather. It was already a great breakthru that he was willing to consider marriage without children.
The old me would feel rejected and attack by mind planning to reject him too. Well, not now. For the first time I can see that as self-sabotage.
Jan 24 Eve
Father, I shared with Y and B on Isha Kriya and IEO. Y is definitely keen on IEO and Shambavi, whereas B is on Ishakriya.
Just now I received text on mms from Z. I couldn't log in and I msg him but no reply for the whole day. The old me would have reacted. The new me find it not necessary. Tot of my this week Osho cards.
1. The Issue - Trust
2. Internal Influence - Aloneness
3.
4. What to do - Just jump without bungee strip.
5. Resolution - Going with the flow.
Sadhguru
The art of consecration is to transform what is gross to the subtlest possible level. We r talking about transforming this piece of flesh and bone into a godlike entity by itself.
If u can make a rock reverberate like the divine, definitely u can make the self reverberate like the divine too. Because its the same energy; it is just vibrating at different level of operation, different levels of manifestation and expression.
Soul
I wonder if the kriyas that makes me receptive...is actually making me divine.
Sadhguru
If ur energy body is in proper balance and in full flow, there is no question of disease in ur body.
When it comes to chronic ailment, whatever may be the ailment, the root cause is always in the energy body.
Soul
I am stopping and redirecting the flow. I am rejecting my own deliverables.
Sadhguru
If u don't make ur tots, emotions, opinions, ideas, beliefs and urself, important, u r absolutely receptive. The only barrier is urself, nothing else.
When u see that the way u think and feel is not enough, u become receptive. If u continue ur sadhana, u will find love is no more an emotion, it's just a certain way that u r.
Loving someone/something means fundamentally u r still longing to become one with something or somebody. So u r just longing. It never delivers u there; it is just a vehicle. It is not the destination. Love is not the destination.
The main point is if u make urself into an atmosphere of love, the possibility of going through this world more pleasantly is definitely there for u, no matter what's happening around u.
So, especially if u want to walk the spiritual path, keeping urself - ur interiority - pleasant, is extremely important because its a very challenging path. If u keep ur interiority pleasant, if ur emotions are pleasant always, then walking the path become a joyful process.
Soul
I am not there. I am not love.
Sadhguru
If there is no love in u, then u must know something else. U must know the blissfulness of just ur existence; not being happy about something; just being blissful, ur very existence being blissful. Every cell in ur body become sweet. U don't love anybody, u don't like or dislike anybody - u r just pleasant. When u r simply so sweet and pleasant within urself, ur very presence is pleasant. Everything is experienced as pleasant.
Soul
I am this.
Breakthru in Z...finally he said maybe no children
Jan 23 Eve
Father, I am not sure if this is real but I found myself volunteering to do housework. Simple things like cutting vege, boiling water and etc. This has never happen to me before. Even mom and sis in law noticed.
Father, Z told me that recently he is considering about getting married but don't want anymore children. He now thinks children are big responsibility. He already has children with his ex and he is fine in meeting them up. When he asked me what I think. I didn't reply and instead ask him why is he thinking about all these. He said his mom is pressuring him for marriage. I told him just relax.
Father, why don't I tell him how I feel? He finally had a change of mind. Why don't I tell him I saw us together and I don't mind having a child with him. I saw us having a daughter which he dotes on.
I recalled I decided that I won't tell him cos I don't him to marry me just because of children. I want him to marry me for me sake. Alas, he finally said it.
Good that the phone was off and we were disconnected. I open up and msg him; U r thinking of maybe no children. Here I m thinking I m ok if got one child. We r both changing ;)
Just now again he said I am 'special', others would have run away with his unreachability.
Ego said why do I go on declaring I am fine with one child. He is not proposing to me. He could turn and said he wasn't asking me.
I no longer believe it. I am beautiful and lovable. I love him and have already tell him. He has repeatedly ask me if I want children. I already had a change of mind cos I know he dotes on children and I want to give him the happiness to.
Again the ego said he is not proposing to u. Well, doesn't matter. What matter is I tell how I feel. What matter is I am now opening up to having a child. I am now not afraid to be vulnerable.
Father, I am not sure if this is real but I found myself volunteering to do housework. Simple things like cutting vege, boiling water and etc. This has never happen to me before. Even mom and sis in law noticed.
Father, Z told me that recently he is considering about getting married but don't want anymore children. He now thinks children are big responsibility. He already has children with his ex and he is fine in meeting them up. When he asked me what I think. I didn't reply and instead ask him why is he thinking about all these. He said his mom is pressuring him for marriage. I told him just relax.
Father, why don't I tell him how I feel? He finally had a change of mind. Why don't I tell him I saw us together and I don't mind having a child with him. I saw us having a daughter which he dotes on.
I recalled I decided that I won't tell him cos I don't him to marry me just because of children. I want him to marry me for me sake. Alas, he finally said it.
Good that the phone was off and we were disconnected. I open up and msg him; U r thinking of maybe no children. Here I m thinking I m ok if got one child. We r both changing ;)
Just now again he said I am 'special', others would have run away with his unreachability.
Ego said why do I go on declaring I am fine with one child. He is not proposing to me. He could turn and said he wasn't asking me.
I no longer believe it. I am beautiful and lovable. I love him and have already tell him. He has repeatedly ask me if I want children. I already had a change of mind cos I know he dotes on children and I want to give him the happiness to.
Again the ego said he is not proposing to u. Well, doesn't matter. What matter is I tell how I feel. What matter is I am now opening up to having a child. I am now not afraid to be vulnerable.
Self judgment leads to self attack, which is similar to auto immune disease
Jan 23
Father, woke up at 5.30 am and did my practice. Finished about 8 am, 2.5 hours.
Suddenly recalled G in ashram and can help to buy Ishoppe goods. Also tot of why I felt so suffering when I had to lead Isha. I can now see the similarity with my case of being taken care by neighbours.
Mom said I was the best choice cos I was cute, cheery and don't cry with strangers. So what if I have the attributes, that doesn't mean I have to be sacrificed. Just like in Isha, just because I have the attributes of leadership and is receptive to Sadhguru's grace, why I have to sacrifice myself. I remembered teacher's words; No one wants to do the dirty job. So, I had to take it up.
Father, knowing about the similarity clears all the self-guilt I was feeling. Now I know why. Let's me focus on being me.
I also noticed that I start to volunteer in my house, preparing gingko nuts and cutting dried meats without any funfair. Just doing it cos it needs to be done and my family will enjoy it. Even my family noticed it and they said they never seen me so hard working before.
Soul without shame
You do not like to experience these old self-images, so when u r in touch with feelings connected to those self-images, u want to distance urself from the feelings by either denying them, trying to change them, ignoring them or withdrawing from them. The problem is that u also move away from any awareness that ur judge provoked this self-rejection and the diminishment, disorientation and paralysis that go with it.
When u recognise the input of the other person or ur own judge as an attack, u naturally stay focused on how it is affecting u and how to stop it.
In other words, the judgement stirs up a feeling in u of wrongness, which takes u into the past and away from ur experience in the moment. Thus, u cannot appropriately respond to the implicit attack.
Judgement attack u specifically by generating certain emotions that will arouse self-beliefs that disarm u.
Soul
Yea, that's what happen when I was push to lead Isha. Again, because I have the attribute and there is no one more suitable. This time it was me pushing myself and not my mother. Well, I am no longer pushing myself to do anything just because I have the attributes. Its ironic, I tot I could say No externally, and here I couldn't say No internally. Lopsided.
Soul without shame
A judgement is the same as an attack as far as the health of ur being is concerned. One could even consider self-judgement the original psychic auto-immune disease. Because judgement causes u to reject urself, the basic health of ur soul is at risk.
The more familiar u become with how judgement works, the more it actually feels like a self-destructive disease. The goal is to re-establish a vital survival energy and a healthy immune system that will respond to both attacks and judgements with awareness, alertness, energy, capacity and appropriateness.
Soul
Father, there is a hint here. Judgement is auto-immune disease.
Soul without shame
The key factor is not whether a judgement is true but whether u believe that it is. The tricky part is that ur belief in the truth of the judgement may be completely unconscious and may even be opposite of what u think u believe.
Because u believe there is some truth in a judgement, it generates self-rejection rather than self-defense.
Soul
I who always takes pride in self-acceptance, ability to say no, has actually been pushing myself to deliver my own inner judgement. The fact that I could do it, makes me unaware that I didn't like it. The same as others tot I like it too.
Yea, just because I am receptive and thankful to Sadhguru for the grace I have received, doesn't mean I am bad for not leading isha.
Soul without shame
An attack is any comment or statement that triggers an internal state of diminishment - feeling smaller, less than or devalued.
No one, especially ur judge, has the right to provoke u in ur painful or deficient feelings that cause u to reject urself or take u away from ur present experience unless u ask for it.
Father, woke up at 5.30 am and did my practice. Finished about 8 am, 2.5 hours.
Suddenly recalled G in ashram and can help to buy Ishoppe goods. Also tot of why I felt so suffering when I had to lead Isha. I can now see the similarity with my case of being taken care by neighbours.
Mom said I was the best choice cos I was cute, cheery and don't cry with strangers. So what if I have the attributes, that doesn't mean I have to be sacrificed. Just like in Isha, just because I have the attributes of leadership and is receptive to Sadhguru's grace, why I have to sacrifice myself. I remembered teacher's words; No one wants to do the dirty job. So, I had to take it up.
Father, knowing about the similarity clears all the self-guilt I was feeling. Now I know why. Let's me focus on being me.
I also noticed that I start to volunteer in my house, preparing gingko nuts and cutting dried meats without any funfair. Just doing it cos it needs to be done and my family will enjoy it. Even my family noticed it and they said they never seen me so hard working before.
Soul without shame
You do not like to experience these old self-images, so when u r in touch with feelings connected to those self-images, u want to distance urself from the feelings by either denying them, trying to change them, ignoring them or withdrawing from them. The problem is that u also move away from any awareness that ur judge provoked this self-rejection and the diminishment, disorientation and paralysis that go with it.
When u recognise the input of the other person or ur own judge as an attack, u naturally stay focused on how it is affecting u and how to stop it.
In other words, the judgement stirs up a feeling in u of wrongness, which takes u into the past and away from ur experience in the moment. Thus, u cannot appropriately respond to the implicit attack.
Judgement attack u specifically by generating certain emotions that will arouse self-beliefs that disarm u.
Soul
Yea, that's what happen when I was push to lead Isha. Again, because I have the attribute and there is no one more suitable. This time it was me pushing myself and not my mother. Well, I am no longer pushing myself to do anything just because I have the attributes. Its ironic, I tot I could say No externally, and here I couldn't say No internally. Lopsided.
Soul without shame
A judgement is the same as an attack as far as the health of ur being is concerned. One could even consider self-judgement the original psychic auto-immune disease. Because judgement causes u to reject urself, the basic health of ur soul is at risk.
The more familiar u become with how judgement works, the more it actually feels like a self-destructive disease. The goal is to re-establish a vital survival energy and a healthy immune system that will respond to both attacks and judgements with awareness, alertness, energy, capacity and appropriateness.
Soul
Father, there is a hint here. Judgement is auto-immune disease.
Soul without shame
The key factor is not whether a judgement is true but whether u believe that it is. The tricky part is that ur belief in the truth of the judgement may be completely unconscious and may even be opposite of what u think u believe.
Because u believe there is some truth in a judgement, it generates self-rejection rather than self-defense.
Soul
I who always takes pride in self-acceptance, ability to say no, has actually been pushing myself to deliver my own inner judgement. The fact that I could do it, makes me unaware that I didn't like it. The same as others tot I like it too.
Yea, just because I am receptive and thankful to Sadhguru for the grace I have received, doesn't mean I am bad for not leading isha.
Soul without shame
An attack is any comment or statement that triggers an internal state of diminishment - feeling smaller, less than or devalued.
No one, especially ur judge, has the right to provoke u in ur painful or deficient feelings that cause u to reject urself or take u away from ur present experience unless u ask for it.
Settling down with my feelings of not being in control
Jan 22
Father, thanks for the year. I m contented. Tot of Z. It would be nice of us just to sit and snuggle together. One thing I noticed is that we are suitable for each other in terms of off mode. We r both busy with work and when we r off, we just want to relax, snuggle with each other and not be in activity mode. Even during holiday, we just like to relax, enjoy spa and each other company.
Next 3 months would not be easy. I would have my hands full. I haven't been 'working' for the past one year. Now is time to gear up.
Soul without shame
It is ur belief about ur negative feelings are what cause the bad feelings to affect ur sense of self-worth. It is the devaluation engendered by judgements that causes u to dislike urself for having those feelings, which brings about self-rejection.
U dislike and reject urself for having certain feelings. Whatever the reason, this fact feels like a given, beyond ur control. U were never tot that feelings are just feelings, that they are not statements about the kind of person u r. Remember, emotions, like tots and sensations, are forms the soul takes on; they do not define its true nature
What would happen if u didn't reject or dislike urself for experiencing the feelings aroused by a judgement.
Soul
I used to dislike and reject myself for missing Z, for being affected by him, for losing control.
These days, instead of managing it, I let it flow out with bit of tears or just connect with him. I found it will just passed on.
Father, thanks for the year. I m contented. Tot of Z. It would be nice of us just to sit and snuggle together. One thing I noticed is that we are suitable for each other in terms of off mode. We r both busy with work and when we r off, we just want to relax, snuggle with each other and not be in activity mode. Even during holiday, we just like to relax, enjoy spa and each other company.
Next 3 months would not be easy. I would have my hands full. I haven't been 'working' for the past one year. Now is time to gear up.
Soul without shame
It is ur belief about ur negative feelings are what cause the bad feelings to affect ur sense of self-worth. It is the devaluation engendered by judgements that causes u to dislike urself for having those feelings, which brings about self-rejection.
U dislike and reject urself for having certain feelings. Whatever the reason, this fact feels like a given, beyond ur control. U were never tot that feelings are just feelings, that they are not statements about the kind of person u r. Remember, emotions, like tots and sensations, are forms the soul takes on; they do not define its true nature
What would happen if u didn't reject or dislike urself for experiencing the feelings aroused by a judgement.
Soul
I used to dislike and reject myself for missing Z, for being affected by him, for losing control.
These days, instead of managing it, I let it flow out with bit of tears or just connect with him. I found it will just passed on.
Unconscious need to drive myself to be the best, to be of value (2)
an 19 Eve
Father, I tot I can say No to external easily but now I know I can't say No internally. Keep on driving myself.
It was a trigger when M said S suggested Friday instead of Wednesday. I quickly reply that I am not keen as volunteering is work and Friday is off day for me. When he said to listen to majority, I felt such intense anger and wanted to immediately replied that if it is on Friday, I am not coming. They can do without me. I drafted mail but didn't send. I was looking at myself, wondering why such intense anger.
Then I decided to calm down and do shoonya. When I close my eyes, I burst into tears and again it is I can't go on, I can't continue to lead this. I don't want to volunteer. A heart-breaking tears. Then I calmed down and I finally realised that I need to get out as the child in me is crying.
I wrote them a note asking for forgiveness but I can't carry on and I want out. I also said that I wanted out since Sept last year. Then I asked out for Sathsang but alas no takers. Then I tot I would bear with it and here comes Sadhguru's visit that will take a 7 months of hard volunteering work.
Now I know why I had such strong reaction in Singapore when they ask for volunteering. I absolutely refused to volunteer and sat there for hours. Then when I asked for the place and they said volunteers have to wait, I automatically retorted that I am not volunteering.
Now I know why I resist Sadhguru cos he represent work to me.
Its true, one may say that I have to break limitation. Let's face it, I did it and I don't want to force myself cos I am becoming unhappy. When I am unhappy and can't express, it is worse. It will be bad for the whole team. So, best I come out earlier rather than later. I have given many messages but it was ignored and also because I keep on continue and even flourish. Well, no more. I will not drive myself anymore. I need not prove my valuation.
Had a really good cry. I can't remember the last time I cried like that. Such tears of suffering, feeling that no one care for me, that I always have to be the one to lead, to be alone.
Then a tot that my breakthru is stopping myself from driving myself to overcome my limitations.
I also tot if I am driving myself with Z. I love him and he doesn't love me. Am I driving myself? Well, a tot came, nope. I have overcome my Cosmic Lesson and when it is time to end, it will end. The first time, I broke it off cos I was driving myself. Second time I was ready.
Father, all these crying confirmed that my decision to be out of leading Isha was the right one. I can continue to promote but I don't want to lead. I am a walking promotion, I need not do anything more. Amen. That's my payback to Sadhguru, being a happy, joyful person by myself.
(Feb 19 - I can't pull out yet. I am in not because of Isha foundation, but because of the friendship in Isha family. I can't leave them in a lurch especially with M going off now)
Father, I tot I can say No to external easily but now I know I can't say No internally. Keep on driving myself.
It was a trigger when M said S suggested Friday instead of Wednesday. I quickly reply that I am not keen as volunteering is work and Friday is off day for me. When he said to listen to majority, I felt such intense anger and wanted to immediately replied that if it is on Friday, I am not coming. They can do without me. I drafted mail but didn't send. I was looking at myself, wondering why such intense anger.
Then I decided to calm down and do shoonya. When I close my eyes, I burst into tears and again it is I can't go on, I can't continue to lead this. I don't want to volunteer. A heart-breaking tears. Then I calmed down and I finally realised that I need to get out as the child in me is crying.
I wrote them a note asking for forgiveness but I can't carry on and I want out. I also said that I wanted out since Sept last year. Then I asked out for Sathsang but alas no takers. Then I tot I would bear with it and here comes Sadhguru's visit that will take a 7 months of hard volunteering work.
Now I know why I had such strong reaction in Singapore when they ask for volunteering. I absolutely refused to volunteer and sat there for hours. Then when I asked for the place and they said volunteers have to wait, I automatically retorted that I am not volunteering.
Now I know why I resist Sadhguru cos he represent work to me.
Its true, one may say that I have to break limitation. Let's face it, I did it and I don't want to force myself cos I am becoming unhappy. When I am unhappy and can't express, it is worse. It will be bad for the whole team. So, best I come out earlier rather than later. I have given many messages but it was ignored and also because I keep on continue and even flourish. Well, no more. I will not drive myself anymore. I need not prove my valuation.
Had a really good cry. I can't remember the last time I cried like that. Such tears of suffering, feeling that no one care for me, that I always have to be the one to lead, to be alone.
Then a tot that my breakthru is stopping myself from driving myself to overcome my limitations.
I also tot if I am driving myself with Z. I love him and he doesn't love me. Am I driving myself? Well, a tot came, nope. I have overcome my Cosmic Lesson and when it is time to end, it will end. The first time, I broke it off cos I was driving myself. Second time I was ready.
Father, all these crying confirmed that my decision to be out of leading Isha was the right one. I can continue to promote but I don't want to lead. I am a walking promotion, I need not do anything more. Amen. That's my payback to Sadhguru, being a happy, joyful person by myself.
(Feb 19 - I can't pull out yet. I am in not because of Isha foundation, but because of the friendship in Isha family. I can't leave them in a lurch especially with M going off now)
Unconscious need to drive myself to be the best, to be of value
Jan 19 Aft
My msg to V;
Hi. I broke down just now. Finally realised why I was not happy with Sadhguru coming. To me, more work and I got suck into leading Isha. I just want to do my practices, enjoy coffee and writing and reading. Again, when I volunteer, I had to be the best. No wonder RA was getting worse.
Reply from V
Then give it up. You are not going to be your best when you feel oppressed. Why dont you let someone else volunteer. Its not worth your sanity.
My response
Yeap, I just wrote to 2 core member that I want out and I want them to help ease me out.
V's comment
Life is to be enjoyed. Working gives you money to enjoy your life. Unless you LOVE volunteering, dont bother. Just stresses you out and there is no value in it.
My's reponse
I never like volunteer. I did it becos of commitment. Again, its my inherent ambition to be the best, even in position, that I never want or ask for...just like being contractor. IEO - ur life is 100% ur doing.
I wanted out after Sadhguru's visit in Sept 2011 but the enthusiasm of P held me back. I wanted to stay on and support her and she has now grown. It is time again.
Volunteering should be out of joy, not out of responsibility. The child in me feel oppressed, why others have a choice in saying No, but not me.
Now alas I know why RA acted up these last few months. It was because I was driving myself in Isha. Father, the drive is so unconscious. On the surface, it seems nothing but the oppression is there. And the worst thing is that I had to be the best volunteer.
The Issue
Politician
The whole game is a lie. Take a good look at yourself to see if you have been playing this game. What you see might be painful, but not as painful as continuing to play. It doesn't serve anybody's interest in the end, least of all yours. Whatever u achieve in this way will just turn to dust in ur hands.
Internal Influence
Past lives
The real point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour
This is a wake up call; the events in ur life are trying to show u a pattern as ancient as the journey of ur own soul.
Soul
Now I know it is about my volunteering in Isha, about me leading it.
Amazing, from resistance in volunteering to being a lead volunteer.
Just like from me being a thorn to my ex-CEO to me being an inseparable component.
Father, the way I drive myself. It is not so much external, it is driven internally and it is unconscious.
Thank u for RA. Looks like I am still unconscious. Back to the practices. Amen.
I have just chat with V and he said I sounded upbeat and excited. I said yes and I will write to teacher. Like V said while I am thankful to Sadhguru, I don't have to payback to Isha. My payback is through my writings. V said my writing help lots of people. I will payback through things that I enjoyed.
Father, main thing in life is to be happy. So, I want to do things I am happy with.
3. New Vision
When u open up, u transcended. U r born anew.
Soul
I feel good now. I feel like I got back myself.
I just wrote to M and P;
Hi. Not sure if u read my SOS email. Fyi, I will also be writing to teacher that I want out too. I won't be good for the team if I am unhappy. Hope u understand.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Experiencing
Feeling of wonder itself, the thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us.
Soul
I lost connecting with nature for the past 2 months. This week, I am back and I can feel the trees once more. I need not prove my worth. I can just be myself.
5. The understanding
Rebirth
Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being.
It is a time for change and growth.
Soul
Finally, I am out of Isha's grip or rather out of my unconscious drive to be the best.
My msg to V;
Hi. I broke down just now. Finally realised why I was not happy with Sadhguru coming. To me, more work and I got suck into leading Isha. I just want to do my practices, enjoy coffee and writing and reading. Again, when I volunteer, I had to be the best. No wonder RA was getting worse.
Reply from V
Then give it up. You are not going to be your best when you feel oppressed. Why dont you let someone else volunteer. Its not worth your sanity.
My response
Yeap, I just wrote to 2 core member that I want out and I want them to help ease me out.
V's comment
Life is to be enjoyed. Working gives you money to enjoy your life. Unless you LOVE volunteering, dont bother. Just stresses you out and there is no value in it.
My's reponse
I never like volunteer. I did it becos of commitment. Again, its my inherent ambition to be the best, even in position, that I never want or ask for...just like being contractor. IEO - ur life is 100% ur doing.
I wanted out after Sadhguru's visit in Sept 2011 but the enthusiasm of P held me back. I wanted to stay on and support her and she has now grown. It is time again.
Volunteering should be out of joy, not out of responsibility. The child in me feel oppressed, why others have a choice in saying No, but not me.
Now alas I know why RA acted up these last few months. It was because I was driving myself in Isha. Father, the drive is so unconscious. On the surface, it seems nothing but the oppression is there. And the worst thing is that I had to be the best volunteer.
The Issue
Politician
The whole game is a lie. Take a good look at yourself to see if you have been playing this game. What you see might be painful, but not as painful as continuing to play. It doesn't serve anybody's interest in the end, least of all yours. Whatever u achieve in this way will just turn to dust in ur hands.
Internal Influence
Past lives
The real point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour
This is a wake up call; the events in ur life are trying to show u a pattern as ancient as the journey of ur own soul.
Soul
Now I know it is about my volunteering in Isha, about me leading it.
Amazing, from resistance in volunteering to being a lead volunteer.
Just like from me being a thorn to my ex-CEO to me being an inseparable component.
Father, the way I drive myself. It is not so much external, it is driven internally and it is unconscious.
Thank u for RA. Looks like I am still unconscious. Back to the practices. Amen.
I have just chat with V and he said I sounded upbeat and excited. I said yes and I will write to teacher. Like V said while I am thankful to Sadhguru, I don't have to payback to Isha. My payback is through my writings. V said my writing help lots of people. I will payback through things that I enjoyed.
Father, main thing in life is to be happy. So, I want to do things I am happy with.
3. New Vision
When u open up, u transcended. U r born anew.
Soul
I feel good now. I feel like I got back myself.
I just wrote to M and P;
Hi. Not sure if u read my SOS email. Fyi, I will also be writing to teacher that I want out too. I won't be good for the team if I am unhappy. Hope u understand.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Experiencing
Feeling of wonder itself, the thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us.
Soul
I lost connecting with nature for the past 2 months. This week, I am back and I can feel the trees once more. I need not prove my worth. I can just be myself.
5. The understanding
Rebirth
Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being.
It is a time for change and growth.
Soul
Finally, I am out of Isha's grip or rather out of my unconscious drive to be the best.
Pulling back from leading Isha
Jan 19
Father, asanas was fine. Shakti and shambavi was good. I was lauging so much during rock baby in shambavi and later during aum chanting. I am just joyful.
There were some tots of the water heater since my brother also said it is not warm. Then I shrugged off and tot it is on 550, too little value to be bothered about. If I can't get replacement, I can buy another one and give this to my brother as their water pressure is low and heat will be enough. I also remember I got 250 voucher and will just Panasonic instead. Of cos, mind said how about hole. I don't think so.
(Feb 19 - given this to my brother as he needs it. For me, heater is no longer an issue. I have adjusted to the heat or rather the lack of it)
Suddenly tot of C and tot if I should send her a text. Aiyah, no need lah..as it would just be to cover my guilt.
Tot of sending msg to Z and then hold back as we have been contacting daily and he may not want it. Then I just send cos why hold back. I have already told him I love him and I already decided to stay with him till the end.
Father, on Isha. I be external communicator and M be the internal communicator. I don't want to lose focus. I want to go back to my Top 5. I am not sure I just want to escape from all or rather I don't really care about being good. Today the meet up with headhunter..not sure..but I will be open.
Soul without shame
Self-judgement is perhaps the greatest source of inner suffering and discontent. More than that - or because of that - it is one of the major barriers to change, growth, expansion and transformation. It prevents u from simply resting in urself from moment to moment.
Soul
True. When mind is still, ease naturally arise.
Soul without shame
When a judgement is directed to u - whether u r conscious of it or not - u tend to experience the world closing in on u. Ur functioning becomes impaired due to this narrowing of attention and loss of flexibility and aliveness.
The overriding manifestation is the marked decrease in awareness - of the environment, of what is going on around u, of ur possible responses, and especially of who u r. And what is profoundly frustrating for many people is the way judgement interferes with their capacity, clarity and sense of humour.
Soul
Could this be what happen to N. For myself, when I judged myself unlovable, I can attack and be cold, something I am not.
Father, alas I realised why I was not excited about Sadhguru's visit. It was because I would be focusing on Isha instead of my writing. I have lost focus on my Top 5. I don't have to inform them that I am not leading. I will just put Meg on this. No need to announce. Just do it quietly and leave the leadership. This is a first to me.
Suddenly tot of ; my life is my doing 100%.
Ace of Spades
A card of death, change and transformation. With this card, u will go through some sort of death and rebirth.
Soul
That's my Osho cards
What to do - experiencing - just do, don't have to announce
Resolution - rebirth.
Yea, I don't have to announce, just quietly leave. Announcing will only give me resistance. Just do it quietly.
Received the mobile contact from M and immediately tot of calling. But I hold back as that would be taking the lead, standing out, which is what I don't want to be.
(Feb 19 - I told them but somehow I can't go out as even M is leaving for good in April. Thats means I have to be in. No wonder Six of Diamond - no change.)
Father, asanas was fine. Shakti and shambavi was good. I was lauging so much during rock baby in shambavi and later during aum chanting. I am just joyful.
There were some tots of the water heater since my brother also said it is not warm. Then I shrugged off and tot it is on 550, too little value to be bothered about. If I can't get replacement, I can buy another one and give this to my brother as their water pressure is low and heat will be enough. I also remember I got 250 voucher and will just Panasonic instead. Of cos, mind said how about hole. I don't think so.
(Feb 19 - given this to my brother as he needs it. For me, heater is no longer an issue. I have adjusted to the heat or rather the lack of it)
Suddenly tot of C and tot if I should send her a text. Aiyah, no need lah..as it would just be to cover my guilt.
Tot of sending msg to Z and then hold back as we have been contacting daily and he may not want it. Then I just send cos why hold back. I have already told him I love him and I already decided to stay with him till the end.
Father, on Isha. I be external communicator and M be the internal communicator. I don't want to lose focus. I want to go back to my Top 5. I am not sure I just want to escape from all or rather I don't really care about being good. Today the meet up with headhunter..not sure..but I will be open.
Soul without shame
Self-judgement is perhaps the greatest source of inner suffering and discontent. More than that - or because of that - it is one of the major barriers to change, growth, expansion and transformation. It prevents u from simply resting in urself from moment to moment.
Soul
True. When mind is still, ease naturally arise.
Soul without shame
When a judgement is directed to u - whether u r conscious of it or not - u tend to experience the world closing in on u. Ur functioning becomes impaired due to this narrowing of attention and loss of flexibility and aliveness.
The overriding manifestation is the marked decrease in awareness - of the environment, of what is going on around u, of ur possible responses, and especially of who u r. And what is profoundly frustrating for many people is the way judgement interferes with their capacity, clarity and sense of humour.
Soul
Could this be what happen to N. For myself, when I judged myself unlovable, I can attack and be cold, something I am not.
Father, alas I realised why I was not excited about Sadhguru's visit. It was because I would be focusing on Isha instead of my writing. I have lost focus on my Top 5. I don't have to inform them that I am not leading. I will just put Meg on this. No need to announce. Just do it quietly and leave the leadership. This is a first to me.
Suddenly tot of ; my life is my doing 100%.
Ace of Spades
A card of death, change and transformation. With this card, u will go through some sort of death and rebirth.
Soul
That's my Osho cards
What to do - experiencing - just do, don't have to announce
Resolution - rebirth.
Yea, I don't have to announce, just quietly leave. Announcing will only give me resistance. Just do it quietly.
Received the mobile contact from M and immediately tot of calling. But I hold back as that would be taking the lead, standing out, which is what I don't want to be.
(Feb 19 - I told them but somehow I can't go out as even M is leaving for good in April. Thats means I have to be in. No wonder Six of Diamond - no change.)
Truth - your real Self
Jan 18 Aft
Have just checked Z's ex 52 days card of Nine of Clubs in Neptune - ending of plan/dream. Looks like good chance for Z. Coincidentally Z's Nine of Spade in Uranus - independence. He is showing and fighting for his rights.
Mmm, I am fine with simple sandwich lunch. I am more keen on a nice cosy place that I can relax and read. Alas, my attachment to food has lessen.
On the water heater, I am ok. At least I got them to check so I can rest the case.
Soul without shame
True nature refers to the essence of u as a human being. It is the essence of what we are beneath our individual histories. True nature also refers to the part of u that is most permanent, unchanging and central in defining who u r.
Soul
I just had a tot. My true nature is joy. I experienced it everytime I go inside. No matter how sad I am, how angry I am, the joy just flow out.
Tot of N. He is harmless and easy to manage as he is upfront. I wonder why people say he has an agenda. He is a politician. To me, he is arrogant and insecure and stupid and hence not a threat. A true politician hides in veil.
Soul without shame
The more u have a sense of urself as soul, the more u r aware that who u truly are is not really defined by ur body. Neither is it defined by what u have learned and known in the past.
Soul
Yea.
Another headhunter calling me. Of course, I said nope but she stop me by saying even if I am not keen, she still wants to meet up and I said ok.
Soul without shame
The more I was aware of the truth, the more my true nature began to arise in the form of personal will, strength and compassion. These, in turn, supported a fuller contact with reality.
Each moment of truth, when allowed without judgement, will become a door to a deeper experience of reality and what is true.
Have just checked Z's ex 52 days card of Nine of Clubs in Neptune - ending of plan/dream. Looks like good chance for Z. Coincidentally Z's Nine of Spade in Uranus - independence. He is showing and fighting for his rights.
Mmm, I am fine with simple sandwich lunch. I am more keen on a nice cosy place that I can relax and read. Alas, my attachment to food has lessen.
On the water heater, I am ok. At least I got them to check so I can rest the case.
Soul without shame
True nature refers to the essence of u as a human being. It is the essence of what we are beneath our individual histories. True nature also refers to the part of u that is most permanent, unchanging and central in defining who u r.
Soul
I just had a tot. My true nature is joy. I experienced it everytime I go inside. No matter how sad I am, how angry I am, the joy just flow out.
Tot of N. He is harmless and easy to manage as he is upfront. I wonder why people say he has an agenda. He is a politician. To me, he is arrogant and insecure and stupid and hence not a threat. A true politician hides in veil.
Soul without shame
The more u have a sense of urself as soul, the more u r aware that who u truly are is not really defined by ur body. Neither is it defined by what u have learned and known in the past.
Soul
Yea.
Another headhunter calling me. Of course, I said nope but she stop me by saying even if I am not keen, she still wants to meet up and I said ok.
Soul without shame
The more I was aware of the truth, the more my true nature began to arise in the form of personal will, strength and compassion. These, in turn, supported a fuller contact with reality.
Each moment of truth, when allowed without judgement, will become a door to a deeper experience of reality and what is true.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Inner Judgement...our subsconscious mind
Jan 18
Father, suria was effortless today. Shakti and Shambavi was fine. I doze off when I switched off the aircond. But this time I found myself becoming more quickly aware that I doze off.
I even had a vision of meeting Sadhguru. He just asked me to sit with him.
Father, I have accepted the water heater issue but even the installer said it is not ok and asked me to get a new replacement. But I realised that I am now used to the heat. Not sure if this is because of acceptance.
My mind is still sneaking, telling me Z didn't reply my picture msg, telling me E didn't revert on my mail. I didn't want to be hooked. I don't want to go there.
Soul without shame
The only alternative to self-judgement is knowing the truth about who u r. If u have a deep belief that u r worthless, u must discover where that belief came from and why u believe that it is true. Until u understand that, nothing fundamentally will change.
Once u know deep inside u, with a direct and felt sense, that u have inherent value and are fully acceptable to urself, then u will begin to free urself from the need for positive judgement and approval, from others or from ur own judge. The path to truly knowing who u r requires challenging the presence of the judge.
U must find the courage and wisdom, the determination and clarity, the compassion and desire to see what the truth is and stay with the process of supporting that truth. All these qualities are needed to make space for ur own experience, regardless of whether u consider it good or bad, right or wrong, joyous or painful. Otherwise ur feeling of shame, guilt, wrongness and selfishness provoked by ur judge will make it impossible to stay with the richness and mystery of what u find.
The process is never finished; it will continue throughout ur life, for the judge's influence runs deep in ur soul and impacts u with amazing subtlety. The journey is not easy, but few others are more rewarding in expanding ur sense of who u r and in allowing u to live a full and meaningful life.
Self-judgement
Its function is to maintain the status quo in 2 ways. It keeps u away from what it considers to be dangerous or unmanageable parts of urself. And it directs u toward whatever ideals it feels will make u an acceptable, successful person.
It is based on the accumulation of all the knowledge u believe u need to be successful, safe, supported, recognised and loved in the world. Its standard are learned from others and they can run counter to what u urself want, feel or know to be true.
One of the greatest dangers of becoming aware of self-judgement and its negative effects is that awareness will become the basis of more self-judgement.
Soul
No wonder I felt so shitty back in 2008. And thankfully Sadhguru came.
Father, suria was effortless today. Shakti and Shambavi was fine. I doze off when I switched off the aircond. But this time I found myself becoming more quickly aware that I doze off.
I even had a vision of meeting Sadhguru. He just asked me to sit with him.
Father, I have accepted the water heater issue but even the installer said it is not ok and asked me to get a new replacement. But I realised that I am now used to the heat. Not sure if this is because of acceptance.
My mind is still sneaking, telling me Z didn't reply my picture msg, telling me E didn't revert on my mail. I didn't want to be hooked. I don't want to go there.
Soul without shame
The only alternative to self-judgement is knowing the truth about who u r. If u have a deep belief that u r worthless, u must discover where that belief came from and why u believe that it is true. Until u understand that, nothing fundamentally will change.
Once u know deep inside u, with a direct and felt sense, that u have inherent value and are fully acceptable to urself, then u will begin to free urself from the need for positive judgement and approval, from others or from ur own judge. The path to truly knowing who u r requires challenging the presence of the judge.
U must find the courage and wisdom, the determination and clarity, the compassion and desire to see what the truth is and stay with the process of supporting that truth. All these qualities are needed to make space for ur own experience, regardless of whether u consider it good or bad, right or wrong, joyous or painful. Otherwise ur feeling of shame, guilt, wrongness and selfishness provoked by ur judge will make it impossible to stay with the richness and mystery of what u find.
The process is never finished; it will continue throughout ur life, for the judge's influence runs deep in ur soul and impacts u with amazing subtlety. The journey is not easy, but few others are more rewarding in expanding ur sense of who u r and in allowing u to live a full and meaningful life.
Self-judgement
Its function is to maintain the status quo in 2 ways. It keeps u away from what it considers to be dangerous or unmanageable parts of urself. And it directs u toward whatever ideals it feels will make u an acceptable, successful person.
It is based on the accumulation of all the knowledge u believe u need to be successful, safe, supported, recognised and loved in the world. Its standard are learned from others and they can run counter to what u urself want, feel or know to be true.
One of the greatest dangers of becoming aware of self-judgement and its negative effects is that awareness will become the basis of more self-judgement.
Soul
No wonder I felt so shitty back in 2008. And thankfully Sadhguru came.
When ur self breaks down, you become ecstatic
Jan 17 Aft
I called on hot water and the service man said it is fine. Anyway, it is ok lah. Like mom said my previous shower water heat not normal.
Father, I am contented. I m happy on things between Z and I. We have come a long way. For the first time I can believe that he may be able to overcome his Pluto's Five of Club (1 April 2012) and have me as Result's Queen of Diamond.
He was my Cosmic lesson and Cosmic reward and I am now reaping my efforts.
Just now when I did shoonya, I experienced a depth of silence, that is much deeper than before. I am going in deeper into my self.
Father, I am not sure. But suddenly tot of Kailash. With my joints, it will take a few hours of tracking to dismantle me. Quite doubtful that I can do it.
Amazing that I didn't think of food.
Sadhguru
When who u are, is broken, only then u will be ecstatic.
As body becomes less and less important, all the undulations of life don't affect u any more, because all the undulations are only for the body. When I say 'the body', it includes the mind. It is only the physical and mental bodies which are affected by the ups and downs of life, isn't it.
Whichever way it is, u r only going upward. U go only one way. U don't go this way, or that way. U simply go the way u want to go, because physicality loses its grip on u, u take charge of life. If physicality has a grip over u, u r never in control of ur life.
The physical is ruled by too many forces. Nobody can ever understand it fully, nor can u ever control it. Too many; we will never control all of them. So, the only way to take charge of life is to distance urself from the physical, u r in complete charge of ur life, hundred percent.
Soul
Suddenly tot of my ankle sprained during samyama and how I sat through it and how it recovers miraculously.
(Feb 17 - now I know why I was laughing so much when I received the bad news of my new staff last Wednesday. Despite me being pressured..but part of me knows it doesn't matter. And the amazing thing is the next morning, I bounced back with input on how to set my new department)
I called on hot water and the service man said it is fine. Anyway, it is ok lah. Like mom said my previous shower water heat not normal.
Father, I am contented. I m happy on things between Z and I. We have come a long way. For the first time I can believe that he may be able to overcome his Pluto's Five of Club (1 April 2012) and have me as Result's Queen of Diamond.
He was my Cosmic lesson and Cosmic reward and I am now reaping my efforts.
Just now when I did shoonya, I experienced a depth of silence, that is much deeper than before. I am going in deeper into my self.
Father, I am not sure. But suddenly tot of Kailash. With my joints, it will take a few hours of tracking to dismantle me. Quite doubtful that I can do it.
Amazing that I didn't think of food.
Sadhguru
When who u are, is broken, only then u will be ecstatic.
As body becomes less and less important, all the undulations of life don't affect u any more, because all the undulations are only for the body. When I say 'the body', it includes the mind. It is only the physical and mental bodies which are affected by the ups and downs of life, isn't it.
Whichever way it is, u r only going upward. U go only one way. U don't go this way, or that way. U simply go the way u want to go, because physicality loses its grip on u, u take charge of life. If physicality has a grip over u, u r never in control of ur life.
The physical is ruled by too many forces. Nobody can ever understand it fully, nor can u ever control it. Too many; we will never control all of them. So, the only way to take charge of life is to distance urself from the physical, u r in complete charge of ur life, hundred percent.
Soul
Suddenly tot of my ankle sprained during samyama and how I sat through it and how it recovers miraculously.
(Feb 17 - now I know why I was laughing so much when I received the bad news of my new staff last Wednesday. Despite me being pressured..but part of me knows it doesn't matter. And the amazing thing is the next morning, I bounced back with input on how to set my new department)
Settling down with going into new job
Jan 17
Father, today asanas were great. I was laughing throughout the lifting leg asanas. The rest just flow through. Today, I took bit of rest and ended practice just before 7 am. I could have go on.
On the water heater, actually it is fine. I now realised the water from the main source is cold unlike the one from the tank. Of course, mind keep on disturbing during practice. When I took my rain shower, it was warmer than previously. This time I elt the water run a bit. But no harm asking the guy to check.
Yday, Z and I reached a disagreement which we both agree to let go. Z wanted me to give some jobs to the companies intro by him. I told him nope. I also said that 50% of his sharing is on his debt settlement. At first, he feel rejected and said he was only sharing and he will stop to do so.
This morning, mind is still running but I asked myself this, do I love him? Yes. Is he a good man? Yes. Do I still want to be with him even if he is with debt? Yes. So, I msg him and said that I like his sharing but I am afraid of his accumulation of debt. For my case is accumulation of money and I will balance by sponsoring our meetup. He replied that his debt is nearly over. I counter by saying he keep on accumulating new debt. He replied that - what remain is common normal debt.
Honestly I was bit worried he will tell me off for asking since we said to be commitment free. I am glad he realised my concern and wanted to comfort me. However, I have to accept that his lifestyle will be imbalanced and I will be the one financially caring for our hygiene factors while his money is mainly for his car/house loan payout.
I felt we have moved closer than before. Z also said I am now in his circle list. He also takes every opportunity to highlight that we are a good match.
Looks like its my mom's karma to have all son in law that is not financially well off. But no worries, we are getting benefits in other forms.
1. The Issue
Politics.
All but the most innocent and sincere of us have a politician lurking somewhere in our minds. In fact, the mind is political.
Soul
True. It is playing on me and Z when things are going well. It plays on the new job. I am now also doubtful if I get increased pay but I feel I should.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Past lives
The real point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives, and their roots in endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.
Soul
I aim only for my happiness. I won't let my fear of pain prevents me from growth. I know I found goodness in Z and we r right for each other.
3. External influence
New Vision
When u open up to the ultimate, immediately it pours into u. U have transcended. U r no longer separate, u have found ur roots.
U r now presented to see life in all its dimensions, from the depths to the heights. They exist together, and when we come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Experiencing.
Experiencing is the feeling of wonder itself, the thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us.
Nature doesn't bang any drums when it burst forth into flower, nor play any dirges when the trees let go of their leaves in the fall.
Just give nature an opportunity to whisper to u.
5. Resolution
Rebirth
In Zen, u r coming from nowhere and u r going to nowhere. U r just now, here, neither coming nor going. Everything passes by u; ur consciousness reflects it but it does not get identified.
It is a time for growth and change.
Soul
Very apt. I am no longer fighting against growth. I will move to new company next month.
Father, today asanas were great. I was laughing throughout the lifting leg asanas. The rest just flow through. Today, I took bit of rest and ended practice just before 7 am. I could have go on.
On the water heater, actually it is fine. I now realised the water from the main source is cold unlike the one from the tank. Of course, mind keep on disturbing during practice. When I took my rain shower, it was warmer than previously. This time I elt the water run a bit. But no harm asking the guy to check.
Yday, Z and I reached a disagreement which we both agree to let go. Z wanted me to give some jobs to the companies intro by him. I told him nope. I also said that 50% of his sharing is on his debt settlement. At first, he feel rejected and said he was only sharing and he will stop to do so.
This morning, mind is still running but I asked myself this, do I love him? Yes. Is he a good man? Yes. Do I still want to be with him even if he is with debt? Yes. So, I msg him and said that I like his sharing but I am afraid of his accumulation of debt. For my case is accumulation of money and I will balance by sponsoring our meetup. He replied that his debt is nearly over. I counter by saying he keep on accumulating new debt. He replied that - what remain is common normal debt.
Honestly I was bit worried he will tell me off for asking since we said to be commitment free. I am glad he realised my concern and wanted to comfort me. However, I have to accept that his lifestyle will be imbalanced and I will be the one financially caring for our hygiene factors while his money is mainly for his car/house loan payout.
I felt we have moved closer than before. Z also said I am now in his circle list. He also takes every opportunity to highlight that we are a good match.
Looks like its my mom's karma to have all son in law that is not financially well off. But no worries, we are getting benefits in other forms.
1. The Issue
Politics.
All but the most innocent and sincere of us have a politician lurking somewhere in our minds. In fact, the mind is political.
Soul
True. It is playing on me and Z when things are going well. It plays on the new job. I am now also doubtful if I get increased pay but I feel I should.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Past lives
The real point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives, and their roots in endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.
Soul
I aim only for my happiness. I won't let my fear of pain prevents me from growth. I know I found goodness in Z and we r right for each other.
3. External influence
New Vision
When u open up to the ultimate, immediately it pours into u. U have transcended. U r no longer separate, u have found ur roots.
U r now presented to see life in all its dimensions, from the depths to the heights. They exist together, and when we come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Experiencing.
Experiencing is the feeling of wonder itself, the thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us.
Nature doesn't bang any drums when it burst forth into flower, nor play any dirges when the trees let go of their leaves in the fall.
Just give nature an opportunity to whisper to u.
5. Resolution
Rebirth
In Zen, u r coming from nowhere and u r going to nowhere. U r just now, here, neither coming nor going. Everything passes by u; ur consciousness reflects it but it does not get identified.
It is a time for growth and change.
Soul
Very apt. I am no longer fighting against growth. I will move to new company next month.
Feeling uncertain about my life direction
Jan 16
Father, suria went very well despite the stiffness on my right elbow. My body was agile and it seems effortless. Today not much tots. Shakti and shambavi was fine too.
Father, I am feeling uncertain. Not sure where I am heading. I haven't been writing the last few weeks and last weekend, I rested cos I had flu. I just slept in the afternoon and woke up 3 hours later. M fine now.
My rship with Z seems fine. I admit I am still surprised that he bought a fake watch. Of course the real one is worth 150k but to buy fake one. ...I am not sure. I tot of A and his ex-wife, they seems to have same values. Actually Z and I also same values on goodness and commitment.
Mmm, took wrong book. I was reading Soul without shame and I brought Success with soul instead.
Father, I seems to have lost momentum with my writing. I am a very good writer. I guess because I judged myself short vs the best writer, I let go.
Father, suria went very well despite the stiffness on my right elbow. My body was agile and it seems effortless. Today not much tots. Shakti and shambavi was fine too.
Father, I am feeling uncertain. Not sure where I am heading. I haven't been writing the last few weeks and last weekend, I rested cos I had flu. I just slept in the afternoon and woke up 3 hours later. M fine now.
My rship with Z seems fine. I admit I am still surprised that he bought a fake watch. Of course the real one is worth 150k but to buy fake one. ...I am not sure. I tot of A and his ex-wife, they seems to have same values. Actually Z and I also same values on goodness and commitment.
Mmm, took wrong book. I was reading Soul without shame and I brought Success with soul instead.
Father, I seems to have lost momentum with my writing. I am a very good writer. I guess because I judged myself short vs the best writer, I let go.
Seeing my former 'love' getting married
Jan 14
Today, I just saw A married to his girl friend. I am happy for him. I am glad I wasn't the one. I know now God knows best. They fit well together, same type of family. I tot of Z and me.
Today, I just saw A married to his girl friend. I am happy for him. I am glad I wasn't the one. I know now God knows best. They fit well together, same type of family. I tot of Z and me.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Still recoverinng from flu
Jan 13
Father, today practice was fine but I had to quicken cos sis has arrived for breakfast. After hata, my flu is better but now worsen again. It is one week now.
My water heater broke down and they said it takes 2 days to send repair man. At first I berate myself and then I said its ok, at least it is confirmed spoilt. I just hope can be repaired before new year.
Me, now at clinic, waiting to get medication for my flu. It has been one week already and I haven't been sleeping well. Doc said its allergy due to house renovation.
Jan 13 Eve
Sadhguru
If one is striving for growth, earthquakes and landslides keep happening in one's life. Everyday in its effort to grow, it dismantles itself, thus leading to a huge number of landslides and avalances.
Those who are stagnant, who don't grow, their life seems to be stable and steady, and looks better. But it's lifeless. For one who is striving to grow, an enormous amount of upheaval happens in his life.
Father, I used to attract to whites and now I am attracted to blacks.
Soul
I was having some doubt whether I am growing and receding with the new job offer.
Father, today practice was fine but I had to quicken cos sis has arrived for breakfast. After hata, my flu is better but now worsen again. It is one week now.
My water heater broke down and they said it takes 2 days to send repair man. At first I berate myself and then I said its ok, at least it is confirmed spoilt. I just hope can be repaired before new year.
Me, now at clinic, waiting to get medication for my flu. It has been one week already and I haven't been sleeping well. Doc said its allergy due to house renovation.
Jan 13 Eve
Sadhguru
If one is striving for growth, earthquakes and landslides keep happening in one's life. Everyday in its effort to grow, it dismantles itself, thus leading to a huge number of landslides and avalances.
Those who are stagnant, who don't grow, their life seems to be stable and steady, and looks better. But it's lifeless. For one who is striving to grow, an enormous amount of upheaval happens in his life.
Father, I used to attract to whites and now I am attracted to blacks.
Soul
I was having some doubt whether I am growing and receding with the new job offer.
Recovering from allergy
Jan 12
Father, I am recovering. The phelgm is diluted. There is a difference in energy between my room and guest room. In my room, I can sense a stronger presence. Asanas was fine considering my phelgm and I doze off after hata. Shakti and Shambavi ok.
Suddenly tot of Z. His ex is his CRR and CRRS, Cosmic Reward in both life and spiritual spread. It is under 3 and 4th cards after the Venus and Mars. Yea, the breakthru actually does Z good, otherwise he would just be a mediocre and we would not get together. Z and I have Venus and Mars but we also have Mercury and Moon, which makes us a more round rship. Venus and Mars is prequisite for sexual love.
With his ex, with a RC of Queen, it would be more pronounced and they don't like to lose.
Father, yday I went to the Immigration to make an appeal presentation to the committee. I had no idea there would be 12 of them in uniforms from all various ministries. I was scared and hands tremble but I did well. When I came out, I can feel my heart beat so fast.
Father, I am recovering. The phelgm is diluted. There is a difference in energy between my room and guest room. In my room, I can sense a stronger presence. Asanas was fine considering my phelgm and I doze off after hata. Shakti and Shambavi ok.
Suddenly tot of Z. His ex is his CRR and CRRS, Cosmic Reward in both life and spiritual spread. It is under 3 and 4th cards after the Venus and Mars. Yea, the breakthru actually does Z good, otherwise he would just be a mediocre and we would not get together. Z and I have Venus and Mars but we also have Mercury and Moon, which makes us a more round rship. Venus and Mars is prequisite for sexual love.
With his ex, with a RC of Queen, it would be more pronounced and they don't like to lose.
Father, yday I went to the Immigration to make an appeal presentation to the committee. I had no idea there would be 12 of them in uniforms from all various ministries. I was scared and hands tremble but I did well. When I came out, I can feel my heart beat so fast.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Without inner judge, we automatically become more open
Jan 11 Aft
Soul without shame
Disengaging from the judge thus serves two functions: to free u from the confinement of old, limiting patterns and beliefs and, at the same time, to demand that u actively participate living in a way that eliminates the need for the judge.
U cannot simply throw off a structure that has defined and supported u unless u have something more effective with which to replace it. U need to create a living conscience that is not based on rules, that will allow ur soul to express itself. This happens when u have transformed the self centredness of instinctual impulses, the self-distruction of compulsive patterns and the rigidity of internalised authority.
Disengaging from the judge helps free u from the harsh oppression of the judge and also accelerates ur movement into experiencing the aliveness of the soul.
Aliveness means the presence of passion and spontaneity, two qualities noticeably absent in the world of judgement. It also means the experience of urself as a life source. Life flows from and through u, taking on both familiar and unfamiliar forms.
As u learn to know urself each moment with curiosity and openness, u allow the process of self-discovery to open new doors. U find ur own natural resources that have gone unrecognised because of the judge's controlling influence.
Soul
Just now I ended my mail to Z by 'love'. To others, this meant little but to me, it meant a lot. I am careful with my words.
Soul
Father, this morning a tot occurred to me that the 2nd child may not be his. I try to dismiss it as I don't want to think badly of her but now the tot arise again without any prod from me.
Perhaps that's why the other guy is willing to marry her and take over children without alimony. That could also be the reason why she didn't want to grant him access. The fact that she made police reports after a slap shows her intention to ensure no access right by Z. She also waives right to the house. Waiving to company is understandable.
Logically she was in the wrong and there is no reason for putting Z off especially when Z been so nice. To smear Z with him being aggressive is laughable as Z always puts my interest first as his self-control is great.
Even M case, a full blown love affair with a bitter divorce and she was granted access to children.
Father, this is scary. I can't imagine someone that cruel and manipulative.
I informed Z of my tots and he thinks I am on the right track too. This is so sad for him.
Soul without shame
A good practice to support being with ur own aliveness as u function is to follow ur breath. Actively attending to ur inhalation and exhalation will keep ur attention and energy from becoming fixed, shut down or frozen.
The courtroom of life.
U can't relax and enjoy ur own life.
The common theme in the daily scenario is a particular kind of relationship between u and ur experience. This relationship involves expectation, standards, evaluations, judgements and consequences.
How much is ur response to ur experience and ur experience itself - determined by what u expect to happen?
How much time to do u spend evaluating ur performance, ur appearance, ur capacity, ur history?
How difficult is it to live up to the standards u use to judge urself.
How often is ur underlying sense of self determined by ur notions of right and wrong.
This is the courtroom of life and u r the one who is on trial.
In addition to setting standards, another activity integral to the judgement process is comparison. Ur judge doesn't only evaluate u according to its standards, it also constantly compares u with other people to evaluate ur worth. Comparison is a very close cousin of self-judgement. Comparison becomes self-destructive when it becomes the lens through which u experience yourself.
Self blame can be transformed only by coming to understand how ur sense of who u r and the options open to u is determined by ur past experiences and beliefs.
Relief from ur suffering is not a matter of getting better at what u think u need to do. It is about finding out how u ended up where u are in the first place.
By paying attention to ur self-judgement, u will recognise that ur standards are learned from others and they can run counter to what u urself want, feel or know to be true. If u see this, u will realise that the voice u hear is not urs. If belongs to a familiar companion who lives inside u, someone u have brought along on this journey of life.
And yet even when u realise the voice is not urs, u can't separate from it. It seems to live under ur skin, and etc.
The judge overrides ur inherent intelligence and ur direct response to life by superimposing its beliefs about what is real. It is a warped lens that distorts reality. Because of this distorted perception, u have come to distrust ur intuitive contact with life.
You are damned if u do and damned if u don't. The more u recognised and feel trapped by this situation, the more a natural response arises:"I want out. I want space from this taskmaster I carry around inside". And even as u suffer and crave relief, u find it hard not to believe what it is telling u. Recognition of the judge just makes u more aware of ur own helplessness.
The judge is the force in u that constantly evaluates and assesses ur worth as a human being and thus limits ur capacity to be fully alive in the present moment.
Awareness begins the process of disentangling ur worth from the facts of life. It is true that u have skills and capacities to develop as u grow and that u must learn from ur experience in order to make sensible and informed choices. But ur value is not dependent on achievement or approval. The judge lead u to believe that u r subject to evaluation and improvement rather than having inherent value and worth. Implicit in this belief is the judge's assumption that ur value is conditional, that u r worthless on ur own: u need to accomplish, u need to change, u need correction, u need to be watched and etc.
The only real alternative to self-judgement is knowing the truth about who u r. If u have a deep belief that u r worthless, u must discover who you are.
Soul without shame
Disengaging from the judge thus serves two functions: to free u from the confinement of old, limiting patterns and beliefs and, at the same time, to demand that u actively participate living in a way that eliminates the need for the judge.
U cannot simply throw off a structure that has defined and supported u unless u have something more effective with which to replace it. U need to create a living conscience that is not based on rules, that will allow ur soul to express itself. This happens when u have transformed the self centredness of instinctual impulses, the self-distruction of compulsive patterns and the rigidity of internalised authority.
Disengaging from the judge helps free u from the harsh oppression of the judge and also accelerates ur movement into experiencing the aliveness of the soul.
Aliveness means the presence of passion and spontaneity, two qualities noticeably absent in the world of judgement. It also means the experience of urself as a life source. Life flows from and through u, taking on both familiar and unfamiliar forms.
As u learn to know urself each moment with curiosity and openness, u allow the process of self-discovery to open new doors. U find ur own natural resources that have gone unrecognised because of the judge's controlling influence.
Soul
Just now I ended my mail to Z by 'love'. To others, this meant little but to me, it meant a lot. I am careful with my words.
Soul
Father, this morning a tot occurred to me that the 2nd child may not be his. I try to dismiss it as I don't want to think badly of her but now the tot arise again without any prod from me.
Perhaps that's why the other guy is willing to marry her and take over children without alimony. That could also be the reason why she didn't want to grant him access. The fact that she made police reports after a slap shows her intention to ensure no access right by Z. She also waives right to the house. Waiving to company is understandable.
Logically she was in the wrong and there is no reason for putting Z off especially when Z been so nice. To smear Z with him being aggressive is laughable as Z always puts my interest first as his self-control is great.
Even M case, a full blown love affair with a bitter divorce and she was granted access to children.
Father, this is scary. I can't imagine someone that cruel and manipulative.
I informed Z of my tots and he thinks I am on the right track too. This is so sad for him.
Soul without shame
A good practice to support being with ur own aliveness as u function is to follow ur breath. Actively attending to ur inhalation and exhalation will keep ur attention and energy from becoming fixed, shut down or frozen.
The courtroom of life.
U can't relax and enjoy ur own life.
The common theme in the daily scenario is a particular kind of relationship between u and ur experience. This relationship involves expectation, standards, evaluations, judgements and consequences.
How much is ur response to ur experience and ur experience itself - determined by what u expect to happen?
How much time to do u spend evaluating ur performance, ur appearance, ur capacity, ur history?
How difficult is it to live up to the standards u use to judge urself.
How often is ur underlying sense of self determined by ur notions of right and wrong.
This is the courtroom of life and u r the one who is on trial.
In addition to setting standards, another activity integral to the judgement process is comparison. Ur judge doesn't only evaluate u according to its standards, it also constantly compares u with other people to evaluate ur worth. Comparison is a very close cousin of self-judgement. Comparison becomes self-destructive when it becomes the lens through which u experience yourself.
Self blame can be transformed only by coming to understand how ur sense of who u r and the options open to u is determined by ur past experiences and beliefs.
Relief from ur suffering is not a matter of getting better at what u think u need to do. It is about finding out how u ended up where u are in the first place.
By paying attention to ur self-judgement, u will recognise that ur standards are learned from others and they can run counter to what u urself want, feel or know to be true. If u see this, u will realise that the voice u hear is not urs. If belongs to a familiar companion who lives inside u, someone u have brought along on this journey of life.
And yet even when u realise the voice is not urs, u can't separate from it. It seems to live under ur skin, and etc.
The judge overrides ur inherent intelligence and ur direct response to life by superimposing its beliefs about what is real. It is a warped lens that distorts reality. Because of this distorted perception, u have come to distrust ur intuitive contact with life.
You are damned if u do and damned if u don't. The more u recognised and feel trapped by this situation, the more a natural response arises:"I want out. I want space from this taskmaster I carry around inside". And even as u suffer and crave relief, u find it hard not to believe what it is telling u. Recognition of the judge just makes u more aware of ur own helplessness.
The judge is the force in u that constantly evaluates and assesses ur worth as a human being and thus limits ur capacity to be fully alive in the present moment.
Awareness begins the process of disentangling ur worth from the facts of life. It is true that u have skills and capacities to develop as u grow and that u must learn from ur experience in order to make sensible and informed choices. But ur value is not dependent on achievement or approval. The judge lead u to believe that u r subject to evaluation and improvement rather than having inherent value and worth. Implicit in this belief is the judge's assumption that ur value is conditional, that u r worthless on ur own: u need to accomplish, u need to change, u need correction, u need to be watched and etc.
The only real alternative to self-judgement is knowing the truth about who u r. If u have a deep belief that u r worthless, u must discover who you are.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Trying to ignore my inner judge
Jan 11
Father, today suria was not great but ok. My body was quite agile. Shakti and Shambavi was fine but I doze off at the end and didn't do plough back.
Father, I admit there is some apprehension in joining the new division. Not sure if I can cope with the dynamics especially since I saw the Reporting Analyst JD and also J's comments that E said he wanted to break down her easy relaxed composure. Mmm, now at least can admit I am not as confident. Aiyah, the rship card said I am a challenge to E rather than he is my challenge. Of course, since we are karma cousin, there will be fireworks just like me and S.
V reaffirm H's comment that my writings are insightful and will help a lot of people.
Osho
1. The Issue
The Source
We tap into our Source of energy not by thinking or planning but by getting grounded, centered and silent enough to be in contact with the Source.
Learn how to be at the Source and it will decide where your potential is. It can take u to ur very potential.
Soul
Yea.
2. Internal Influence that u r unable to see
Sorrow
The pain is not to make u miserable, the pain is to make u more aware! And when u r aware, misery disappears.
Time of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen, we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is.
Soul
The old me who have reacted by now. 2 msg and call not returned for 2 days. I now know it is just me. Besides reacting would only reinforce the defense mechanism. I realise it is more me who is afraid to experience sadness.
Anyway, I am not as sad as before. I will be fine.
3. External Influence
The Master
The whole work of meditation is to make u aware of all that is "mind" and disidentify yourself from it. That very separation is the greatest revolution that can happen to man.
Now u can do and act only that which makes u more joyous, fulfills u, gives u contentment, makes ur life a work of art, a beauty. But this is possible only if the master in u is awake. Right now the mind, the servant is playing the role of master. The servant is created by the outside world, it follows the outside world and its law. Once ur awareness has becomes a flame, it burns up the whole slavery that the mind has created.
There is no blissfulness more precious than freedom, then being a master of ur own destiny.
Soul
Yea.
4. What is needed for resolution
Harmony
Listen to ur heart, move according to ur heart, whatsoever the stake. To be simple is arduous because to be simple costs everything that u have. U have to lose all to be simple.
Let urself be softer and more receptive now, because an inexpressible joy is waiting for u just around the corner.
Soul
I love and want Z. We makes each other happy. I follow my heart.
Soul
To my surprise he called me this morning. He was travelling outstation and his batt was flat. He shared with me his problems. He is now fighting for his right for access to his kids. He is opening up on how much his ex-wife has taken from him. He now realised his goodness was misplaced. Now the Nine of Spades is confirmed.
Father, I am glad I trust my experience.
I told him about his Nine of Spades and that I will support him. I am even willing to help him financially on legal fees.
5. Resolution
Conditioning
Unless u drop ur personality, u will not be able to find ur individuality. Individuality is given by existence; personality is imposed by the society.
Soul
Alas, I finally breakthru my own sadness with Z. I just need to ride it and I no longer believe the auto-rejection mode. No one is out to reject me. I created my own sadness.
I am also willing to invest in the rship with Z.
Coincidentally, bedroom renovation is completed and I just started to sleep in this Monday.
Father, today suria was not great but ok. My body was quite agile. Shakti and Shambavi was fine but I doze off at the end and didn't do plough back.
Father, I admit there is some apprehension in joining the new division. Not sure if I can cope with the dynamics especially since I saw the Reporting Analyst JD and also J's comments that E said he wanted to break down her easy relaxed composure. Mmm, now at least can admit I am not as confident. Aiyah, the rship card said I am a challenge to E rather than he is my challenge. Of course, since we are karma cousin, there will be fireworks just like me and S.
V reaffirm H's comment that my writings are insightful and will help a lot of people.
Osho
1. The Issue
The Source
We tap into our Source of energy not by thinking or planning but by getting grounded, centered and silent enough to be in contact with the Source.
Learn how to be at the Source and it will decide where your potential is. It can take u to ur very potential.
Soul
Yea.
2. Internal Influence that u r unable to see
Sorrow
The pain is not to make u miserable, the pain is to make u more aware! And when u r aware, misery disappears.
Time of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen, we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is.
Soul
The old me who have reacted by now. 2 msg and call not returned for 2 days. I now know it is just me. Besides reacting would only reinforce the defense mechanism. I realise it is more me who is afraid to experience sadness.
Anyway, I am not as sad as before. I will be fine.
3. External Influence
The Master
The whole work of meditation is to make u aware of all that is "mind" and disidentify yourself from it. That very separation is the greatest revolution that can happen to man.
Now u can do and act only that which makes u more joyous, fulfills u, gives u contentment, makes ur life a work of art, a beauty. But this is possible only if the master in u is awake. Right now the mind, the servant is playing the role of master. The servant is created by the outside world, it follows the outside world and its law. Once ur awareness has becomes a flame, it burns up the whole slavery that the mind has created.
There is no blissfulness more precious than freedom, then being a master of ur own destiny.
Soul
Yea.
4. What is needed for resolution
Harmony
Listen to ur heart, move according to ur heart, whatsoever the stake. To be simple is arduous because to be simple costs everything that u have. U have to lose all to be simple.
Let urself be softer and more receptive now, because an inexpressible joy is waiting for u just around the corner.
Soul
I love and want Z. We makes each other happy. I follow my heart.
Soul
To my surprise he called me this morning. He was travelling outstation and his batt was flat. He shared with me his problems. He is now fighting for his right for access to his kids. He is opening up on how much his ex-wife has taken from him. He now realised his goodness was misplaced. Now the Nine of Spades is confirmed.
Father, I am glad I trust my experience.
I told him about his Nine of Spades and that I will support him. I am even willing to help him financially on legal fees.
5. Resolution
Conditioning
Unless u drop ur personality, u will not be able to find ur individuality. Individuality is given by existence; personality is imposed by the society.
Soul
Alas, I finally breakthru my own sadness with Z. I just need to ride it and I no longer believe the auto-rejection mode. No one is out to reject me. I created my own sadness.
I am also willing to invest in the rship with Z.
Coincidentally, bedroom renovation is completed and I just started to sleep in this Monday.
To remove the judge..is to be our authentic Self
Jan 10
Father, today practice is fine. I was quite agile during asanas. I sense a different energy, a quietness that is not there before. Somehow the renovation has brought it out.
On Z, well, I love him and he wants me. Even the other day when I talked about exit plan for him to find his wife, he waive it off that he has no time to find one. He wanted to take me out this Sat, which I don't think I can. He even wanted to fetch me to the place we mentioned last friday.
On the essay review by H, it was well commented and she even give feedback for me to ponder, which is great.
AH Almaas
When we recognise that the promise of fulfilment and what stands in its way are both within us, we begin the inner journey. It is a journey into our own consciousness and experience, a path of discovery and realisation of the inner riches of human potentiality.
One of the obstacles to inner work and spiritual realisation is the painful and difficult one of the inner critic, the coercive agency within us that criticises, judges, compares, condemns, blames and attacks us and others mercilessly and constantly.
Soul without Shame - Byron Brown
As u come to recognise that u r in a prison guarded by the judge, u appreciate the soul's powerful longing for freedom.
Every external form of bondage in human history reflects the psychic confinement of the soul resulting from ignorance and unquestioned beliefs. U r a slave to ur own ideas of who u r and how u need to be.
The ability to defend against the judge's attacks and disengage from its activity offers u the possibility of discovering who u r independent of ideas. Actively standing up for the truth of ur experience breaks the habitual patterns of ur familiar identity.
Soul
I intend to trust my experience with Z instead of trusting my mind.
Soul without shame
This capacity of the soul depends on the recognition of ur essential nature and the development of ur ability to be authentically yourself.
Father, today practice is fine. I was quite agile during asanas. I sense a different energy, a quietness that is not there before. Somehow the renovation has brought it out.
On Z, well, I love him and he wants me. Even the other day when I talked about exit plan for him to find his wife, he waive it off that he has no time to find one. He wanted to take me out this Sat, which I don't think I can. He even wanted to fetch me to the place we mentioned last friday.
On the essay review by H, it was well commented and she even give feedback for me to ponder, which is great.
AH Almaas
When we recognise that the promise of fulfilment and what stands in its way are both within us, we begin the inner journey. It is a journey into our own consciousness and experience, a path of discovery and realisation of the inner riches of human potentiality.
One of the obstacles to inner work and spiritual realisation is the painful and difficult one of the inner critic, the coercive agency within us that criticises, judges, compares, condemns, blames and attacks us and others mercilessly and constantly.
Soul without Shame - Byron Brown
As u come to recognise that u r in a prison guarded by the judge, u appreciate the soul's powerful longing for freedom.
Every external form of bondage in human history reflects the psychic confinement of the soul resulting from ignorance and unquestioned beliefs. U r a slave to ur own ideas of who u r and how u need to be.
The ability to defend against the judge's attacks and disengage from its activity offers u the possibility of discovering who u r independent of ideas. Actively standing up for the truth of ur experience breaks the habitual patterns of ur familiar identity.
Soul
I intend to trust my experience with Z instead of trusting my mind.
Soul without shame
This capacity of the soul depends on the recognition of ur essential nature and the development of ur ability to be authentically yourself.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Judgement is the root of problems
Jan 9
Father, I woke up with a very blocked nose. I was surprised that my body was agile and love the hata despite my initial resistance.
When I was doing suria, I had little tots and just enjoying the poses. Later I did shakti and tots of office matters came in. But I waived it off. There were also some tots of V, which I waived too. I just got over my suffering yday and I don't intend to start new one.
Suddenly I tot of what A said. When he came into the hall, he felt such calmness but he also feel unsure if it was the right place. Then he shifted behind and heard my laughter and he smiled as he now knows it the right place.
Father, I m feeling bit uneasy. I can see myself losing place in current job and new job also not certain if got full time work. Aiyah, let it be 3 days work. I will spend time on writing now that I have H as a spring board.
Father, now that I have acknowledged that I am a first time contractor. I am able to see objectively that I didn't do a bad job. Improvement still can be made in future. My mistakes was mainly because I didn't realise that I have to be contractor from on-set. So overall, quite an ok job for beginner.
Self-parenting
Working together, the nurturing Inner Parent and the enthusiastic Inner Child can become powerful allies. By becoming aware of ur Inner Conversations is an indispensable tool for resolving Inner Conflicts that are hurting u and limiting ur enjoyment of life.
If u want security, peace of mind and personal happiness, positive Self-Parenting in ur Inner Conversations will provide the foundation.
Father, I woke up with a very blocked nose. I was surprised that my body was agile and love the hata despite my initial resistance.
When I was doing suria, I had little tots and just enjoying the poses. Later I did shakti and tots of office matters came in. But I waived it off. There were also some tots of V, which I waived too. I just got over my suffering yday and I don't intend to start new one.
Suddenly I tot of what A said. When he came into the hall, he felt such calmness but he also feel unsure if it was the right place. Then he shifted behind and heard my laughter and he smiled as he now knows it the right place.
Father, I m feeling bit uneasy. I can see myself losing place in current job and new job also not certain if got full time work. Aiyah, let it be 3 days work. I will spend time on writing now that I have H as a spring board.
Father, now that I have acknowledged that I am a first time contractor. I am able to see objectively that I didn't do a bad job. Improvement still can be made in future. My mistakes was mainly because I didn't realise that I have to be contractor from on-set. So overall, quite an ok job for beginner.
Self-parenting
Working together, the nurturing Inner Parent and the enthusiastic Inner Child can become powerful allies. By becoming aware of ur Inner Conversations is an indispensable tool for resolving Inner Conflicts that are hurting u and limiting ur enjoyment of life.
If u want security, peace of mind and personal happiness, positive Self-Parenting in ur Inner Conversations will provide the foundation.
Settling down with Sathsang
Jan 8 Eve
Father, I am happy for C. She finally found her breakthru. She too went through a rough patch like me. We both know what the end of suffering means. We are now closer an more upfront with each other
I also like that these days we no longer have dinner after sathsang. I can then have my monthly claypot chicken rice.
On IEO, I am so happy that we have A and K. Both of them young and enthusiastic and the right candidate to pursue IEO.
On V's sharing. It sounds like "teaching"
(Feb 4 - that was my ego talking.)
Father, I am happy for C. She finally found her breakthru. She too went through a rough patch like me. We both know what the end of suffering means. We are now closer an more upfront with each other
I also like that these days we no longer have dinner after sathsang. I can then have my monthly claypot chicken rice.
On IEO, I am so happy that we have A and K. Both of them young and enthusiastic and the right candidate to pursue IEO.
On V's sharing. It sounds like "teaching"
(Feb 4 - that was my ego talking.)
Comparing myself with the best contractor (unrealistic judgement)
Jan 8
Father, I am great. I did well. Although it doesn't look professionally good but I am the contractor. My contractor didn't advise me what to do. Everything I had to plan myself. Even the table top fiasco he didn't realise.
Like P, she didn't even have to think of idea or etc. Everything done by her contractor.
So, no more blaming myself for botched design or etc. He never advised me. I have to source for everything myself. He is not a thinker. I have to think of measurement on my own, of placement of taps, mirror, shower screen height and etc on my own. I told him to change the height but he ignored it.
Luckily I also tot and insisted on the divider flooring. I was also good in deciding no door, otherwise, the bathroom would look even more smaller.
So, I did well for my bedroom but not bathroom. I even tot of zebra blinds. I need not beat myself up.
Father, thank U. I won't beat myself up for not giving value for money on my bathroom but it is first time for me and I tot the contractor will take charge. And that was my mistake.
I was walking in the park and suddenly it hit me. I have been beating up myself unconsciously for past 3 weeks and it intensifies the last week when the wc sanitary was installed.
I also realised that the burden I was carrying. On the surface, I seem easy going but below I aim to be the best at everything I do. I am a generalist that compares myself to a specialist. I also realised that's why I don't try new things as it is not because of failure but its because of not being good.
Coincidentally at the same time, my mom did a batch of steam bun that turns out badly. She too was judging herself non stop from last night till this morning. Guess I picked up from her, this achievement mode.
Well, after this breakthru I am no longer defensive about the bathroom renovation. Infact I also tot about the switch for hair dryer and this time I told myself well, next time.
On volunteering, Sadhguru is coming. I admit I don't feel excited and infact worried about meeting him. I guess I don't feel I am worthy of being his disciple. Since I can't be, better not take it.
Father, I am great. I did well. Although it doesn't look professionally good but I am the contractor. My contractor didn't advise me what to do. Everything I had to plan myself. Even the table top fiasco he didn't realise.
Like P, she didn't even have to think of idea or etc. Everything done by her contractor.
So, no more blaming myself for botched design or etc. He never advised me. I have to source for everything myself. He is not a thinker. I have to think of measurement on my own, of placement of taps, mirror, shower screen height and etc on my own. I told him to change the height but he ignored it.
Luckily I also tot and insisted on the divider flooring. I was also good in deciding no door, otherwise, the bathroom would look even more smaller.
So, I did well for my bedroom but not bathroom. I even tot of zebra blinds. I need not beat myself up.
Father, thank U. I won't beat myself up for not giving value for money on my bathroom but it is first time for me and I tot the contractor will take charge. And that was my mistake.
I was walking in the park and suddenly it hit me. I have been beating up myself unconsciously for past 3 weeks and it intensifies the last week when the wc sanitary was installed.
I also realised that the burden I was carrying. On the surface, I seem easy going but below I aim to be the best at everything I do. I am a generalist that compares myself to a specialist. I also realised that's why I don't try new things as it is not because of failure but its because of not being good.
Coincidentally at the same time, my mom did a batch of steam bun that turns out badly. She too was judging herself non stop from last night till this morning. Guess I picked up from her, this achievement mode.
Well, after this breakthru I am no longer defensive about the bathroom renovation. Infact I also tot about the switch for hair dryer and this time I told myself well, next time.
On volunteering, Sadhguru is coming. I admit I don't feel excited and infact worried about meeting him. I guess I don't feel I am worthy of being his disciple. Since I can't be, better not take it.
Settling down on my bathroom
Jan 7 Eve
Father, I like my bedroom but I still have tots on the bathroom. On the tightness of it (too small walkway), on the fact that I decided I don't want a closed shower door (water splashing out). I know I was right in not wanting the door cos then one can flow in and out from shower place. Of course some water may splash but I can put a bath mat. Main thing is that water cannot flow through.
Is the bathroom really bad to warrant my disturbance? Nope but just that the tot of 15k seems not worth it. The tiles are lovely and the table top is great except it reduces the room space. I also tot I should have lengthen the mirror. I tot I reduce the beam but looks like it still show the beam. Then I should have take the full length. Youngest sis house was well executed. Aiyah, I know what I don't want but I don't know what I want.
Again, does it matter to me? Nope, its just that I think I didn't do justice to the 15k. I should have planned better. I didn't expect the contractor not to have idea. He is an execution guy. I should have remembered that his strength was in tiles only. Again, 2nd sis recommendation is not good, just like the first one. I think the contractor works because her husband was giving him detailed plan, something I couldn't do. I guess she also not good in execution and hence didn't realise. I should have asked for first brother in law's input. On second tot, I should have asked for P's contractor.
Father, aiyah. It is inevitable. I cannot go back now.
Sadhguru
If u went to somebody and u experienced something a little beyond urself - not in terms of feeling more secure, but in terms of breaking ur limitations; if u r neither solaced nor made comfortable and if u r not comfortable with the person but still u want to be there - then that is a good place for u to stay
Soul
I am committed to the practice and yet I am still not comfortable in meeting Sadhguru. I have partially accepted him as my guru and hence I cannot give up myself yet.
Also tot of Z, so many breakthru I had with him. So much turmoil and we r still together. Now the water is still.
Mmm, and here I am worrying about what people will say about the bathroom. Aiyah, I will just say I too didn't like the execution but my contractor didn't advice me. I have to make decision all by myself.
Never mind, this is a bathroom. Next time I know my weakness and must get ID contractor.
Mmm, just read Sadhguru. Small matter. It is just my value for money and performance that was disturbing me. If anyone comment, I said I am learning. At least my wardrobe, bed and coffee table are lovely.
Father, I like my bedroom but I still have tots on the bathroom. On the tightness of it (too small walkway), on the fact that I decided I don't want a closed shower door (water splashing out). I know I was right in not wanting the door cos then one can flow in and out from shower place. Of course some water may splash but I can put a bath mat. Main thing is that water cannot flow through.
Is the bathroom really bad to warrant my disturbance? Nope but just that the tot of 15k seems not worth it. The tiles are lovely and the table top is great except it reduces the room space. I also tot I should have lengthen the mirror. I tot I reduce the beam but looks like it still show the beam. Then I should have take the full length. Youngest sis house was well executed. Aiyah, I know what I don't want but I don't know what I want.
Again, does it matter to me? Nope, its just that I think I didn't do justice to the 15k. I should have planned better. I didn't expect the contractor not to have idea. He is an execution guy. I should have remembered that his strength was in tiles only. Again, 2nd sis recommendation is not good, just like the first one. I think the contractor works because her husband was giving him detailed plan, something I couldn't do. I guess she also not good in execution and hence didn't realise. I should have asked for first brother in law's input. On second tot, I should have asked for P's contractor.
Father, aiyah. It is inevitable. I cannot go back now.
Sadhguru
If u went to somebody and u experienced something a little beyond urself - not in terms of feeling more secure, but in terms of breaking ur limitations; if u r neither solaced nor made comfortable and if u r not comfortable with the person but still u want to be there - then that is a good place for u to stay
Soul
I am committed to the practice and yet I am still not comfortable in meeting Sadhguru. I have partially accepted him as my guru and hence I cannot give up myself yet.
Also tot of Z, so many breakthru I had with him. So much turmoil and we r still together. Now the water is still.
Mmm, and here I am worrying about what people will say about the bathroom. Aiyah, I will just say I too didn't like the execution but my contractor didn't advice me. I have to make decision all by myself.
Never mind, this is a bathroom. Next time I know my weakness and must get ID contractor.
Mmm, just read Sadhguru. Small matter. It is just my value for money and performance that was disturbing me. If anyone comment, I said I am learning. At least my wardrobe, bed and coffee table are lovely.
Money is meant to be rotated
Jan 7
Bhupendra Kumar Modi - billionaire entrepreneur said this in an interview with media.
The most important thing in life is to be happy. Every day is a festival. He prefers to seek out positive environment, in people and silver linings in negative situation. It is like choosing between empty half glass or half full glass.
What u don't have, u put effort into it; what u have, u just enjoy it.
His motto is to create as much happiness for himself and the people around him.
(Feb 4 - It was a good reminder to me.)
Money should not be stored away in bank. It should be rotated either through investments or charity. Either u invest, set up institutions or companies or enjoy the money, otherwise, it would be a waste because u won't be taking it with u.
Bhupendra Kumar Modi - billionaire entrepreneur said this in an interview with media.
The most important thing in life is to be happy. Every day is a festival. He prefers to seek out positive environment, in people and silver linings in negative situation. It is like choosing between empty half glass or half full glass.
What u don't have, u put effort into it; what u have, u just enjoy it.
His motto is to create as much happiness for himself and the people around him.
(Feb 4 - It was a good reminder to me.)
Money should not be stored away in bank. It should be rotated either through investments or charity. Either u invest, set up institutions or companies or enjoy the money, otherwise, it would be a waste because u won't be taking it with u.
Inner Child need not have an ideal role - just needs to be itself
Jan 6
Father, we met up impromptuly and we have a great time. We didn't bring any clothes and just bought a toothbrush and toothpaste for both to share.
We had a great time. I had such joyful ecstasy when we were connected physically. Especially yesterday when I focus on energy connection with him.
Self-parenting
As a person gets older, the voice of his or her inner Child may tend to fade from oversight, inattention or neglect. It is not desirable for this condition to become permanent, however, for such a person will not be able to experience the joy and happiness in life.
The Inner Child does not have an ideal role. It only needs to be itself. Yet because the voice of the Inner Child may have been suppressed, ridiculed or punished, it has often retreated psychologically to safety.
Soul
He is now open to us being out having meals. We have a good lunch and this time he buys all.
Alas, he shared that he has money this week and can afford our outing. He wanted to accelerate this week rather than the planned next week.
Father, we met up impromptuly and we have a great time. We didn't bring any clothes and just bought a toothbrush and toothpaste for both to share.
We had a great time. I had such joyful ecstasy when we were connected physically. Especially yesterday when I focus on energy connection with him.
Self-parenting
As a person gets older, the voice of his or her inner Child may tend to fade from oversight, inattention or neglect. It is not desirable for this condition to become permanent, however, for such a person will not be able to experience the joy and happiness in life.
The Inner Child does not have an ideal role. It only needs to be itself. Yet because the voice of the Inner Child may have been suppressed, ridiculed or punished, it has often retreated psychologically to safety.
Soul
He is now open to us being out having meals. We have a good lunch and this time he buys all.
Alas, he shared that he has money this week and can afford our outing. He wanted to accelerate this week rather than the planned next week.
Staying cool with changes
Jan 5
Father, today practices is fine. I was quite agile. I noticed that my posture on body bending has improved. Father, thank U for sending Sadhguru.
Changes is coming and I am still not so sure in which direction. I am taking it easy. I know I be fine and I trust that Universe will direct me to what I need.
There is turmoil at office but I am taking it easy as I know it too will pass. I have done so many rounds of action plan.
Self-parenting
The characteristics u had as an outer child from birth to age seven are the same characteristics ur Inner Child has now. The dreams you once had and the adventures you have always desired are those of ur inner child.
Soul
Me, a bubbly, curious child. Happy to be alone and yet can get along well with people. I love eating good food.
I was sad when my mom let the neighbours take care of me.
Mom said I was very afraid of Indian people and would cry whenever I was send to Indian barber.
Self-parenting
One of the greatest strengths of the Inner Child is enthusiasm and curiosity. They love to seek and explore new territories.
Soul
No wonder so many people love to travel. I am an Ace of Diamond, no wonder I have much enthusiasm and curiousity about work.
Self-Parenting
Another wonderful trait of ur Inner Child is its natural affection and willingness to please.
Ur emotional feelings best reveal the voice of the Inner Child. Your Inner Child is the vital source of enthusiasm for both Selves. Ur inner child is in charge of and controls the emotions and the energies for the two Selves.
However, this understanding might not sit too easily with an Inner Parent who is used to thinking it can dominate or control the emotions of the Inner Child through logic or will power.
If u enjoyed a high degree of nurturing and support as u grew into adulthood, ur own Inner Child will retain much of its original enthusiasm for living. As an adult, u will continue to experience life with a freshness and joy seen only through the eyes of a child.
(Feb 4 - I must thank my mom for giving me the freedom.)
Father, today practices is fine. I was quite agile. I noticed that my posture on body bending has improved. Father, thank U for sending Sadhguru.
Changes is coming and I am still not so sure in which direction. I am taking it easy. I know I be fine and I trust that Universe will direct me to what I need.
There is turmoil at office but I am taking it easy as I know it too will pass. I have done so many rounds of action plan.
Self-parenting
The characteristics u had as an outer child from birth to age seven are the same characteristics ur Inner Child has now. The dreams you once had and the adventures you have always desired are those of ur inner child.
Soul
Me, a bubbly, curious child. Happy to be alone and yet can get along well with people. I love eating good food.
I was sad when my mom let the neighbours take care of me.
Mom said I was very afraid of Indian people and would cry whenever I was send to Indian barber.
Self-parenting
One of the greatest strengths of the Inner Child is enthusiasm and curiosity. They love to seek and explore new territories.
Soul
No wonder so many people love to travel. I am an Ace of Diamond, no wonder I have much enthusiasm and curiousity about work.
Self-Parenting
Another wonderful trait of ur Inner Child is its natural affection and willingness to please.
Ur emotional feelings best reveal the voice of the Inner Child. Your Inner Child is the vital source of enthusiasm for both Selves. Ur inner child is in charge of and controls the emotions and the energies for the two Selves.
However, this understanding might not sit too easily with an Inner Parent who is used to thinking it can dominate or control the emotions of the Inner Child through logic or will power.
If u enjoyed a high degree of nurturing and support as u grew into adulthood, ur own Inner Child will retain much of its original enthusiasm for living. As an adult, u will continue to experience life with a freshness and joy seen only through the eyes of a child.
(Feb 4 - I must thank my mom for giving me the freedom.)
When thoughts change, perception changes too
Jan 4
Father, today practices was fine. I admit I wasn't looking forward to suria but to my surprise I was so agile. Now my backward bending is fine.
I woke up thinking I am not a contractor, so any mistakes I make is fine. Infact I did well for a first time contractor. I went to check out the bathroom installation and I saw that it is fine. Just need to adjust the placement of hose. I told the contractor, he is happy and so am I.
Osho
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.
Soul
Just now contractor called to inform me that the WC I bought is spoilt and doesn't fit. Instead of lamenting, I focus on the positive and asked him to get a replacement unit since he is familiar with the owner. He agreed and we were both happy.
Father, today practices was fine. I admit I wasn't looking forward to suria but to my surprise I was so agile. Now my backward bending is fine.
I woke up thinking I am not a contractor, so any mistakes I make is fine. Infact I did well for a first time contractor. I went to check out the bathroom installation and I saw that it is fine. Just need to adjust the placement of hose. I told the contractor, he is happy and so am I.
Osho
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.
Soul
Just now contractor called to inform me that the WC I bought is spoilt and doesn't fit. Instead of lamenting, I focus on the positive and asked him to get a replacement unit since he is familiar with the owner. He agreed and we were both happy.
Rationalising with my Inner Judgement
Jan 3 Eve
Father, thank U. Despite so many external things not so good but I feel joyful inside. Thanks so much for this. I am my own sanctuary. I close my eyes and I can go in.
I cried cos the bathroom renovation doesn't happen the way I want. Then I counter by saying I am a good planner but not a good executor. I know what I don't want and hence can strategise and create parameters.
But since I don't know what I really want, it leaves room for error in execution.
Anyway, small matter. The things can be ratified. The contractor is a good man. Mmm, he agreed to ratify but that would means change the tiles, which I am not keen. Then the second best thing would be just to change the hose, which is simpler. As for the height, I will live with it as the ones in hotel is also high.
I waited for Z's call but he didn't call. I called him twice but no response. Anyway, I just msg him. These days I am not bothered.
Father, thank U. Despite so many external things not so good but I feel joyful inside. Thanks so much for this. I am my own sanctuary. I close my eyes and I can go in.
I cried cos the bathroom renovation doesn't happen the way I want. Then I counter by saying I am a good planner but not a good executor. I know what I don't want and hence can strategise and create parameters.
But since I don't know what I really want, it leaves room for error in execution.
Anyway, small matter. The things can be ratified. The contractor is a good man. Mmm, he agreed to ratify but that would means change the tiles, which I am not keen. Then the second best thing would be just to change the hose, which is simpler. As for the height, I will live with it as the ones in hotel is also high.
I waited for Z's call but he didn't call. I called him twice but no response. Anyway, I just msg him. These days I am not bothered.
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