Jun 28 eve
It was a lovely evening walk in the park. I felt energised by nature. The grass so green and the trees so majestic and alive. Throughout, just watching my breathe. At certain times I laugh cos just feel happy.
There were little tots of Z. But I just looked at it, not my doing.
Osho - Krishna
It is not a matter of becoming a king, it is a matter of remembering that u are a king. U are already a king, but u have forgotten.
Just remembering is enough. And within this moment of remembering, everything is transformed.
Soul
Similar msg to my this week Osho
- what to do card? Maturity
The distinction between the grasses and the blossom is the same as
between u not knowing u r a buddha and the moment that u know u r a
buddha.
Soul
It is not a case of becoming. It is a case of remembering.
Osho - Upanishad
The central theme of Upanishad is remembering. Man has only to remember what he has forgotten, to remember who he really is, who he is right now. He does not have to do a thing except to recollect what he has forgotten.
Soul
I am able to let go of food cos I came to realise food is not happiness.
Perhaps I can disengaged with tots of Z once I realise Z is not happiness or a partner is not happiness. Not sure cos I dreamed of a partner still.
For now, I just want to be in Present.
Mind giving msg that I m worse off without Z. That is false.
Father, why mind can't create stories that I m better off without Z: why only make me feel small; why can't it make me big.
Osho - Krishna
If u walk with Krishna, u will have to walk endlessly. His journey has no destination, or should I say journeying itself is his destination.
On ur part, u would like to reach somewhere and rest but Krishna would say, "We have to go farther and farther.
Soul
True.
This card also relate to my this week internal influence
2. Internal influence
Traveling
Life is a continuity always and always. There is no final destination it is going towards. Just the pilgrimage, just the journey in itself is life.
When this card appears, it indicate a time of movement and change. It may be physical or inner movement from one way of being to the other. This card promises is the going will be easy and will bring a sense of adventure and growth.
Osho - Krishna
Thought, thinking is not the ultimate, it is only the beginning. A moment should come into the life of each one of u when u can transcend tot, when u can go beyond words and images.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Presence is the key to end suffering - create space
Jun 28 aft 1
The power of Now
You have had a glimpse of how the timeliness can transform your perceptions. But an experience is not enough, no matter how beautiful or profound.
What is needed and what we are concerned with is a permanent shift in consciousness.
Soul
Precisely.
I have danced with the flower.
I can now feel the energy of the trees, energising me.
So many things happen to me that I previously tot not possible.
Main thing is I have disidentified with food.
The Power of Now
If all your problems or perceived causes of suffering or unhappiness were miraculously removed for you today, but you had not become more present, more conscious, you would soon find urself with a similar set of problems or causes of suffering, like a shadow that follows you wherever you go. (Soul - Back in the Past)
Ultimately, there is only one problem, the time
There is no salvation in time. You cannot be free in the future. Presence is the key to freedom, so you can only be free now.
Soul
So, this is good.
There is now way out on Z...only way is to go in.
I don't want the Past to repeat itself
Father, help me on this
It is time to go beyond my mind, my suffering.
I am ready
The Power of Now
When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution.
So, whenever you can, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.
Use your senses fully n observed.
Soul
No wonder..when the mind was projecting the Past, especially on Z,,I kept on asking for new tots.
Alas, nothing came.
The Power of Now
Are you polluting the world or cleaning up the mess? You are responsible for your inner space, nobody else is, just as you are responsible for the planet. As within, so without.
If human clears inner pollution, then they will also cease to create outer pollution.
Soul
Same message from recent IE. I too am responsible for my sadness.
The Power of Now
Deep pain body such as the loss of a loved one, usually needs to be transumted through acceptance combined with the light of your presence - sustained attention.
The power of Now
You have had a glimpse of how the timeliness can transform your perceptions. But an experience is not enough, no matter how beautiful or profound.
What is needed and what we are concerned with is a permanent shift in consciousness.
Soul
Precisely.
I have danced with the flower.
I can now feel the energy of the trees, energising me.
So many things happen to me that I previously tot not possible.
Main thing is I have disidentified with food.
The Power of Now
If all your problems or perceived causes of suffering or unhappiness were miraculously removed for you today, but you had not become more present, more conscious, you would soon find urself with a similar set of problems or causes of suffering, like a shadow that follows you wherever you go. (Soul - Back in the Past)
Ultimately, there is only one problem, the time
There is no salvation in time. You cannot be free in the future. Presence is the key to freedom, so you can only be free now.
Soul
So, this is good.
There is now way out on Z...only way is to go in.
I don't want the Past to repeat itself
Father, help me on this
It is time to go beyond my mind, my suffering.
I am ready
The Power of Now
When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution.
So, whenever you can, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.
Use your senses fully n observed.
Soul
No wonder..when the mind was projecting the Past, especially on Z,,I kept on asking for new tots.
Alas, nothing came.
The Power of Now
Are you polluting the world or cleaning up the mess? You are responsible for your inner space, nobody else is, just as you are responsible for the planet. As within, so without.
If human clears inner pollution, then they will also cease to create outer pollution.
Soul
Same message from recent IE. I too am responsible for my sadness.
The Power of Now
Deep pain body such as the loss of a loved one, usually needs to be transumted through acceptance combined with the light of your presence - sustained attention.
My mind is the cause of suffering..it prolongs it
Jun 28 aft
Krishna - Osho
Krishna accepts duality, the dialectics of life altogether and therefore transcend duality.
Soul
This is similar to my card today New Vision - when u open to the ultimate, immediately it pours into u. U r no longer an ordinary human being - u have transcended.
U come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
Soul
I m known to be dialectics. I am able to see both sides. That's where I m rational, where I got win win results.
Just now mind again tot of Z. I just waived it, not me. And it is truly false. Just some hallucinations.
Father, I m ready to transcend. Tell me.
Sadhguru
All our experiences are only happening within ourselves.
I refused to be influenced by a single tot or emotion around me.
Soul
Actually all experiences seem to happen in the mind. And the mind only can interpret and project based on Past. So, interpretation is false.
I don't want to be influenced by my mind.
Sadhguru
U r giving more importance to ur psychological process than the existential process.
Ur tots and emotional process becomes more important.
U r too full of urself.
Soul
Mmm, noted. But still how to transcend. I have danced with nature. But can I danced with my mind?? Mmm, this tot came in. Can I truly dance with my mind.
I tot I m supposed to ignore.
Sadhguru
Most human use their mind in rudimentary way; to think, struggle and stress but not to create or manifest what they want.
Soul
But I keep asking for new thing from my mind. But it keep on churning old things.
Sadhguru
I made a decision. Nothing happens inside me without my choice.
My choice is super good. I make it blissful.
Soul
Not there yet. But I make it neutral for now. No more hooking into suffering; into Past by the mind.
Sadhguru
The most important thing is to realise the immensity of what it means to be a human.
The whole process of suffering is that u have not open ur eyes and look at the grandeur of everything that is happening around u.
Soul
At times, the loveliness and aliveness of nature stops me from being my mind. But short lived.
Father, there is more.
I have danced with a flower during BSP.
Perhaps I need to dance with the mountain. Again tot of Kailash for next year.
Now updating the abridged book of The Power of Now
The answer came.
The Power of Now
So, once you recognise the root cause of unconsciousness as identification with the mind, which of cos, includes the emotions, you step out of it. You become present.
When you are present, you can allow the mind to be as it is without getting entangles in it.
The mind in itself is not dysfunctional. It is a wonderful tool. Dysfunction sets in when you seek yourself in it and mistake for who you are. It then becomes the egoic mind and takes over your whole life.
How to disidentify with mind?
Remove time from the mind and it stops - unless you choose to use it.
The compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. Endless preoccupation with past and future and unwillingness to honour and acknowledge the present moment and allow it to be.
The compulsion arise because the past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both are illusions.
Soul
Samyama is still the key
But I haven't been practising with eyes open.
Not sure how to reach there
Answer came, you used to be identified as the gourment food eater, love meat to ultimate. U 'fight' to death to protect that image. And now no more meat in your life but you are fine.
Why you didn't defend ur image? Why u didn't retain to keep ur identity?
Well, I did dreamed of meat in the early days. But now meat is no longer important to me. I know Food doesn't bring me happiness. Food is not happiness. Food is not me. I am not Food.
Then, the same that being Z's lover is not me. I am not just a lover. Being a lover is not happiness.
Mmm, a tall order,...but not impossible.
I am afraid to let go of being Z's lover or someother person's lover because I believed being a lover brings me happiness. Brings me 'more' as compared to others.
Why do I need to compare....
I always said I don't compare my spiritual aspiration...so why compare my relationship aspiration or status.
Answer came..because u lost your career...But did I really. I tot I won by having a 3 days week.
Krishna - Osho
Krishna accepts duality, the dialectics of life altogether and therefore transcend duality.
Soul
This is similar to my card today New Vision - when u open to the ultimate, immediately it pours into u. U r no longer an ordinary human being - u have transcended.
U come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
Soul
I m known to be dialectics. I am able to see both sides. That's where I m rational, where I got win win results.
Just now mind again tot of Z. I just waived it, not me. And it is truly false. Just some hallucinations.
Father, I m ready to transcend. Tell me.
Sadhguru
All our experiences are only happening within ourselves.
I refused to be influenced by a single tot or emotion around me.
Soul
Actually all experiences seem to happen in the mind. And the mind only can interpret and project based on Past. So, interpretation is false.
I don't want to be influenced by my mind.
Sadhguru
U r giving more importance to ur psychological process than the existential process.
Ur tots and emotional process becomes more important.
U r too full of urself.
Soul
Mmm, noted. But still how to transcend. I have danced with nature. But can I danced with my mind?? Mmm, this tot came in. Can I truly dance with my mind.
I tot I m supposed to ignore.
Sadhguru
Most human use their mind in rudimentary way; to think, struggle and stress but not to create or manifest what they want.
Soul
But I keep asking for new thing from my mind. But it keep on churning old things.
Sadhguru
I made a decision. Nothing happens inside me without my choice.
My choice is super good. I make it blissful.
Soul
Not there yet. But I make it neutral for now. No more hooking into suffering; into Past by the mind.
Sadhguru
The most important thing is to realise the immensity of what it means to be a human.
The whole process of suffering is that u have not open ur eyes and look at the grandeur of everything that is happening around u.
Soul
At times, the loveliness and aliveness of nature stops me from being my mind. But short lived.
Father, there is more.
I have danced with a flower during BSP.
Perhaps I need to dance with the mountain. Again tot of Kailash for next year.
Now updating the abridged book of The Power of Now
The answer came.
The Power of Now
So, once you recognise the root cause of unconsciousness as identification with the mind, which of cos, includes the emotions, you step out of it. You become present.
When you are present, you can allow the mind to be as it is without getting entangles in it.
The mind in itself is not dysfunctional. It is a wonderful tool. Dysfunction sets in when you seek yourself in it and mistake for who you are. It then becomes the egoic mind and takes over your whole life.
How to disidentify with mind?
Remove time from the mind and it stops - unless you choose to use it.
The compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. Endless preoccupation with past and future and unwillingness to honour and acknowledge the present moment and allow it to be.
The compulsion arise because the past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever form. Both are illusions.
Soul
Samyama is still the key
But I haven't been practising with eyes open.
Not sure how to reach there
Answer came, you used to be identified as the gourment food eater, love meat to ultimate. U 'fight' to death to protect that image. And now no more meat in your life but you are fine.
Why you didn't defend ur image? Why u didn't retain to keep ur identity?
Well, I did dreamed of meat in the early days. But now meat is no longer important to me. I know Food doesn't bring me happiness. Food is not happiness. Food is not me. I am not Food.
Then, the same that being Z's lover is not me. I am not just a lover. Being a lover is not happiness.
Mmm, a tall order,...but not impossible.
I am afraid to let go of being Z's lover or someother person's lover because I believed being a lover brings me happiness. Brings me 'more' as compared to others.
Why do I need to compare....
I always said I don't compare my spiritual aspiration...so why compare my relationship aspiration or status.
Answer came..because u lost your career...But did I really. I tot I won by having a 3 days week.
Intensity - me searching for answer to my suffering
Jun 28
Woke up with a tot of Z. But not keen on it. Tot of the mirror of consciousness.
Z and I were lovers but need not get identified to it.
Wake up 7.25 am to do my practices. Did 5 cycle of Surya Kriya. Both feet now can touch the ground more times. Standing posture also improved. Breathe fluttering also improved. All in all a good one. I was singing at the end.
Had a short Shavasana cos I don't feel tired.
Breathing was nice
Shakti was good. Only rest after the three cycle of Kapala Bhakti. My feet were totally stiff.
Shambavi was good. When I was doing fluttering, my hands went on helicopter mode swing.
Towards the end, a peaceful silence. I sat for quite a long while.
I knew if I m with Z, I can't have the time to do my practices.
A tot came, how to walk away. How to have my consciousness like in the mirror. Either totally in or totally out. Answer came, Krishna.
1. The Issue
Abundance
Unless u become existential, u cannot become whole.
If u r a woman, the King of Rainbows brings the support of ur own male energies into ur life, a union with the soul mate within.
Soul
For the first time, I found my physical release without using memory of Z.
My True love is within.
2. Internal influence
Traveling
Life is a continuity always and always. There is no final destination it is going towards. Just the pilgrimage, just the journey in itself is life.
When this card appears, it indicate a time of movement and change. It may be physical or inner movement from one way of being to the other. This card promises is the going will be easy and will bring a sense of adventure and growth.
Soul
Yea. Changes.
Today got this card
New Vision - when u open to the ultimate, immediately it pours into u. U r no longer an ordinary human being - u have transcended. U found ur roots.
U r being born anew.
U come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
Soul
Now I no longer resist the flow of Z absence. My mind is still rolling but that's not me.
But how to go beyond the mind. How to move away like a mirror. How to remove my previous identity as Z's lover.
3. External influence
Intensity
U have to find ur innermost core on ur own, with no guide, no guiding scriptures. It is a dark night, but with the intense fire of inquiry u are bound to come to sunrise.
The opinions of others matters little now. Nothing can hold u back.
Soul
Others tot me intense. Yes, cos it is important to me. I can't allow my mind to guide my life. I have seen my hidden consciousness and now all in open. Next step is the spinning of stories from my mind. They are not me and sometimes I forget and tot it was me. How to separate us forever?
3. What is needed for resolution?
Maturity.
The distinction between the grasses and the blossom is the same as between u not knowing u r a buddha and the moment that u know u r a buddha.
This figure stands alone, silent and yet alert. This inner being us filled with flowers that carry the quality of springtime and regenerate wherever he goes.
This inner flowering and the wholeness that he feels affords the possibility of unlimited movement. This is spiritual spring.
His joy and maturity cannot be diminished by externals.
Soul
True. My mind keep on giving me sad stories. I am not willing to be sad.
5. Resolution
Miser
The moment u start clinging to things, u have missed the target, ur innermost being, is the target - not s beautiful house, but a beautiful u; not much money but a rich u; not many things but an open being available to a million things.
Soul
Open up to Y and RA friend on Isha hata yoga.
Woke up with a tot of Z. But not keen on it. Tot of the mirror of consciousness.
Z and I were lovers but need not get identified to it.
Wake up 7.25 am to do my practices. Did 5 cycle of Surya Kriya. Both feet now can touch the ground more times. Standing posture also improved. Breathe fluttering also improved. All in all a good one. I was singing at the end.
Had a short Shavasana cos I don't feel tired.
Breathing was nice
Shakti was good. Only rest after the three cycle of Kapala Bhakti. My feet were totally stiff.
Shambavi was good. When I was doing fluttering, my hands went on helicopter mode swing.
Towards the end, a peaceful silence. I sat for quite a long while.
I knew if I m with Z, I can't have the time to do my practices.
A tot came, how to walk away. How to have my consciousness like in the mirror. Either totally in or totally out. Answer came, Krishna.
1. The Issue
Abundance
Unless u become existential, u cannot become whole.
If u r a woman, the King of Rainbows brings the support of ur own male energies into ur life, a union with the soul mate within.
Soul
For the first time, I found my physical release without using memory of Z.
My True love is within.
2. Internal influence
Traveling
Life is a continuity always and always. There is no final destination it is going towards. Just the pilgrimage, just the journey in itself is life.
When this card appears, it indicate a time of movement and change. It may be physical or inner movement from one way of being to the other. This card promises is the going will be easy and will bring a sense of adventure and growth.
Soul
Yea. Changes.
Today got this card
New Vision - when u open to the ultimate, immediately it pours into u. U r no longer an ordinary human being - u have transcended. U found ur roots.
U r being born anew.
U come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
Soul
Now I no longer resist the flow of Z absence. My mind is still rolling but that's not me.
But how to go beyond the mind. How to move away like a mirror. How to remove my previous identity as Z's lover.
3. External influence
Intensity
U have to find ur innermost core on ur own, with no guide, no guiding scriptures. It is a dark night, but with the intense fire of inquiry u are bound to come to sunrise.
The opinions of others matters little now. Nothing can hold u back.
Soul
Others tot me intense. Yes, cos it is important to me. I can't allow my mind to guide my life. I have seen my hidden consciousness and now all in open. Next step is the spinning of stories from my mind. They are not me and sometimes I forget and tot it was me. How to separate us forever?
3. What is needed for resolution?
Maturity.
The distinction between the grasses and the blossom is the same as between u not knowing u r a buddha and the moment that u know u r a buddha.
This figure stands alone, silent and yet alert. This inner being us filled with flowers that carry the quality of springtime and regenerate wherever he goes.
This inner flowering and the wholeness that he feels affords the possibility of unlimited movement. This is spiritual spring.
His joy and maturity cannot be diminished by externals.
Soul
True. My mind keep on giving me sad stories. I am not willing to be sad.
5. Resolution
Miser
The moment u start clinging to things, u have missed the target, ur innermost being, is the target - not s beautiful house, but a beautiful u; not much money but a rich u; not many things but an open being available to a million things.
Soul
Open up to Y and RA friend on Isha hata yoga.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Osho - Pleasure and pain is just our interpretation
Jun 27 eve
Had a good time with Ma. I gave her the silver chain cos Linga is hers.
She has Nine of Spades in Results, an ending of her previous life style; and a Five of Spades till end August which is true since she is getting married in mid July and become an instant mother to a 9 year old gal. I am truly happy for her.
She shared her experience in Isha. This time I can see mind wanted to be 'heard'. I hold it back and said let Ma have her say, it's her day. And her sharing on BSP volunteering really makes me wonder.
I said I will make my wish for a good relationship from Linga.
I jay shared with her that I m thinking of Kailash next year, to be with Sadhguru.
I shared my website. She said the background pix of the tree is good, also the light that shines through.
Just received a long call from S. These day no longer feel burdened nor the need to advise as she just need a listening board.
Osho - Krishna
Both happiness and suffering are like clouds passing through the sky. They come and go.
In reality, pleasure and pain are just our interpretations, psychological interpretations. They are not real situations, they are largely interpretations of them. And it depends on us how we interpret something. And there may be a thousand interpretations of the same thing. It all depends on us. U can only understand Krishna when u accept both happiness and misery at the same level.
Soul
True. I can see both the pro and con of Z absence. I go with the flow of the interpretation that doesn't make me suffer and leads to acceptance.
Osho - Krishna
Bliss means that now u will not interpret it in a way that makes it really suffering. Bliss does not mean only happiness will visit u now. No, bliss means that now u will not interpret happiness in a way that u cling to it and desire it more and more. Now things are as they are; what is, is.
If it is dark, dark. If it is sunny, sunny. And as life is, it is going to be, by turn both sunny and dark.
But u r not going to be affected by either, because now u know that things come and go but u remain the same.
Pain and pleasure are like clouds moving in the sky but the sky remains untouched, the same. And that which remains the same, untrammelled and unchanging, is ur consciousness. This is Krishna-consciousness.
Soul
Going there.
Osho - Krishna
Happiness and unhappiness are not meaningful; they have been created by dividing bliss into two. The part that is in accord with you, that u accept, is called happiness, and the part that is discordant to u, u deny, is called unhappiness. They are our interpretations of bliss, divided.
Soul
This is interesting. No wonder I can have both suffering and redeeming interpretation of Z's absence.
Father, tots flowing in on Z, making me bit sad. I remind myself, go with the flow. The past is gone. Z is not for u. U already got the mirror goodness of Z (north node in 11th house) reflected in u.
Tot came in, look at the wedding card again. No need to make myself sad.
At least hearing my friend described about her marriage gives me an understanding of how Z can achieve such a fast track marriage within a spate of 3 months.
Had a good time with Ma. I gave her the silver chain cos Linga is hers.
She has Nine of Spades in Results, an ending of her previous life style; and a Five of Spades till end August which is true since she is getting married in mid July and become an instant mother to a 9 year old gal. I am truly happy for her.
She shared her experience in Isha. This time I can see mind wanted to be 'heard'. I hold it back and said let Ma have her say, it's her day. And her sharing on BSP volunteering really makes me wonder.
I said I will make my wish for a good relationship from Linga.
I jay shared with her that I m thinking of Kailash next year, to be with Sadhguru.
I shared my website. She said the background pix of the tree is good, also the light that shines through.
Just received a long call from S. These day no longer feel burdened nor the need to advise as she just need a listening board.
Osho - Krishna
Both happiness and suffering are like clouds passing through the sky. They come and go.
In reality, pleasure and pain are just our interpretations, psychological interpretations. They are not real situations, they are largely interpretations of them. And it depends on us how we interpret something. And there may be a thousand interpretations of the same thing. It all depends on us. U can only understand Krishna when u accept both happiness and misery at the same level.
Soul
True. I can see both the pro and con of Z absence. I go with the flow of the interpretation that doesn't make me suffer and leads to acceptance.
Osho - Krishna
Bliss means that now u will not interpret it in a way that makes it really suffering. Bliss does not mean only happiness will visit u now. No, bliss means that now u will not interpret happiness in a way that u cling to it and desire it more and more. Now things are as they are; what is, is.
If it is dark, dark. If it is sunny, sunny. And as life is, it is going to be, by turn both sunny and dark.
But u r not going to be affected by either, because now u know that things come and go but u remain the same.
Pain and pleasure are like clouds moving in the sky but the sky remains untouched, the same. And that which remains the same, untrammelled and unchanging, is ur consciousness. This is Krishna-consciousness.
Soul
Going there.
Osho - Krishna
Happiness and unhappiness are not meaningful; they have been created by dividing bliss into two. The part that is in accord with you, that u accept, is called happiness, and the part that is discordant to u, u deny, is called unhappiness. They are our interpretations of bliss, divided.
Soul
This is interesting. No wonder I can have both suffering and redeeming interpretation of Z's absence.
Father, tots flowing in on Z, making me bit sad. I remind myself, go with the flow. The past is gone. Z is not for u. U already got the mirror goodness of Z (north node in 11th house) reflected in u.
Tot came in, look at the wedding card again. No need to make myself sad.
At least hearing my friend described about her marriage gives me an understanding of how Z can achieve such a fast track marriage within a spate of 3 months.
North Node in 11th house (Aquarius) - Z was my mirror..
Jun 27
Woke up 4.30 am but feeling bit tired. Mind says skip hata but I already skipped on Tuesday. A tot came, real lack of self discipline. And if I m with Z, definitely sleep back. We are truly not meant to be.
So, I ignored the mind. Did one cycle of Surya kriya followed by asanas. Some stiffness but fine. On the sitting postures, my head can now goes down nearer to my knees.
After Shavasana, did breathing. Quite good.
Shakti was awesome. Totally different experience. For the first time I think Shakti may be more powerful than Shambavi. Increased count for Kapalabhakti. I went in deep. Did my one step rest after 3 cycles of Kapala Bhakti. My feet were totally stiff in the first rest. But after Shakti, it was fine.
Towards the end I was crying and tears fell.
Shambavi was good too. Only thing is I must have dozed off. This has never happen before. I doze off while my head was down on the floor.
Anyway, feels rested.
There were no tots of Z but some tots of office during my practice. Looks like the mind is trying real hard.
On the way to work, some tots of Z comes in, I said I want new ones.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Releasing scripts and roles
They are learning to release their mental pictures of the way relationships, projects, events and the like are supposed to unfold, and pay more attention to the opportunities that do arise.
These folks are learning to approach relationships from a position of friendship and experience the excitement of the unknown.
Soul
There is a control issue in me. It was to keep me safe. But that control turn into self attack and stagnancy. So, I can't flow. Well, now I m feeling safer, and flow whenever I remembered.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are here to bring in a New Age.
They are talented in applying humanitarian ideals to current situations. They clearly see what is for the good of humankind, are excellent networker and when they are working to translate their vision into reality - are extremely happy. Also, because they are doing what they are uniquely equipped to do, life supports them and their projects succeed.
Soul
I used to resist leadership in Isha. Leadership is easy to me. What I dislike was the loss of time alone and fear of loss pf disapproval.
Now that I have 2 days off, my time alone is fulfilled. And since I discovered my issue on validation, I m less affected by others and just do what is needed. So, leadership in Isha becomes easier.
When I got my Long range King of Spades in Ruling, I tot is with the new company but alas I quick in the Sept. and then I tot its with Z but alas we broke up in December. Then the core team break down in March and I had to step to support. It's been four month and I still hold the fort. There is no resistance now. I just do what is needed.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
As they contribute to humanitarian goals, using their power and energy as a channel for unconventional ideas, their past-life pride dissipates and self confidence returns. They are natural doers - they know how to get results. Their job is to act without identifying with the results of their actions, then they are truly free to experiment and be themselves.
Soul
This seems similar to Krishna's Leela that I m reading now.
I want to be in the world. I want all and I think Leela is the tool.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They see the next step that humankind needs to take for its own growth. They are messengers from the future, and by sharing their innovative ideas they empower humankind to evolve in consciousness. So, it is important for them not to hold back because of their desire for approval.
Soul
Similar message with my Pluto in Virgo and Saturn in Aries.
Z doesn't think of price to pay. M doesn't think of others approval.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are here to take an active role in furthering human evolution - both through the personal transformation necessary to set an example and through contributing their energy to humanitarian causes that helped others to gain a more universal view.
The sooner they play their part to further the idealistic causes they are drawn to support, the sooner they will feel more of a sense of wholeness.
They may begin their own project, using their creative talents (writing, painting, music, photography or etc.)
Soul
My dream of Self Mastery is my own personal transformation. I shared by putting it out to blog and stories in website.
I also contribute by volunteering to take charge of certain activity in Isha.
Father, I m right on track.
When I got this book I read this for Z but skipped thru cos not reflective of him. But I read his South node in Leo thoroughly cos that was so him.
Father, what I saw inside Z was myself. Z just started baby steps and I m way ahead.
He can't be my partner.
As I was driving. It dawned on me that I wanted him cos he is advance in physical whereas I m advance in mental. Both of us not good with emotion.
Since I am a newbie in physical, I look up to him to lead and I open up and grow. On the mental, he didnt open up to me. He just took the physical with me.
On the emotion, I learned when I was with him and grow leaps when we broke up. Whereas he clamped down on his emotion.
Father, I truly has a better deal. I always told him that I will used our rship to find myself and grow. It is up to him whether he wants to do so.
Woke up 4.30 am but feeling bit tired. Mind says skip hata but I already skipped on Tuesday. A tot came, real lack of self discipline. And if I m with Z, definitely sleep back. We are truly not meant to be.
So, I ignored the mind. Did one cycle of Surya kriya followed by asanas. Some stiffness but fine. On the sitting postures, my head can now goes down nearer to my knees.
After Shavasana, did breathing. Quite good.
Shakti was awesome. Totally different experience. For the first time I think Shakti may be more powerful than Shambavi. Increased count for Kapalabhakti. I went in deep. Did my one step rest after 3 cycles of Kapala Bhakti. My feet were totally stiff in the first rest. But after Shakti, it was fine.
Towards the end I was crying and tears fell.
Shambavi was good too. Only thing is I must have dozed off. This has never happen before. I doze off while my head was down on the floor.
Anyway, feels rested.
There were no tots of Z but some tots of office during my practice. Looks like the mind is trying real hard.
On the way to work, some tots of Z comes in, I said I want new ones.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Releasing scripts and roles
They are learning to release their mental pictures of the way relationships, projects, events and the like are supposed to unfold, and pay more attention to the opportunities that do arise.
These folks are learning to approach relationships from a position of friendship and experience the excitement of the unknown.
Soul
There is a control issue in me. It was to keep me safe. But that control turn into self attack and stagnancy. So, I can't flow. Well, now I m feeling safer, and flow whenever I remembered.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are here to bring in a New Age.
They are talented in applying humanitarian ideals to current situations. They clearly see what is for the good of humankind, are excellent networker and when they are working to translate their vision into reality - are extremely happy. Also, because they are doing what they are uniquely equipped to do, life supports them and their projects succeed.
Soul
I used to resist leadership in Isha. Leadership is easy to me. What I dislike was the loss of time alone and fear of loss pf disapproval.
Now that I have 2 days off, my time alone is fulfilled. And since I discovered my issue on validation, I m less affected by others and just do what is needed. So, leadership in Isha becomes easier.
When I got my Long range King of Spades in Ruling, I tot is with the new company but alas I quick in the Sept. and then I tot its with Z but alas we broke up in December. Then the core team break down in March and I had to step to support. It's been four month and I still hold the fort. There is no resistance now. I just do what is needed.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
As they contribute to humanitarian goals, using their power and energy as a channel for unconventional ideas, their past-life pride dissipates and self confidence returns. They are natural doers - they know how to get results. Their job is to act without identifying with the results of their actions, then they are truly free to experiment and be themselves.
Soul
This seems similar to Krishna's Leela that I m reading now.
I want to be in the world. I want all and I think Leela is the tool.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They see the next step that humankind needs to take for its own growth. They are messengers from the future, and by sharing their innovative ideas they empower humankind to evolve in consciousness. So, it is important for them not to hold back because of their desire for approval.
Soul
Similar message with my Pluto in Virgo and Saturn in Aries.
Z doesn't think of price to pay. M doesn't think of others approval.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are here to take an active role in furthering human evolution - both through the personal transformation necessary to set an example and through contributing their energy to humanitarian causes that helped others to gain a more universal view.
The sooner they play their part to further the idealistic causes they are drawn to support, the sooner they will feel more of a sense of wholeness.
They may begin their own project, using their creative talents (writing, painting, music, photography or etc.)
Soul
My dream of Self Mastery is my own personal transformation. I shared by putting it out to blog and stories in website.
I also contribute by volunteering to take charge of certain activity in Isha.
Father, I m right on track.
When I got this book I read this for Z but skipped thru cos not reflective of him. But I read his South node in Leo thoroughly cos that was so him.
Father, what I saw inside Z was myself. Z just started baby steps and I m way ahead.
He can't be my partner.
As I was driving. It dawned on me that I wanted him cos he is advance in physical whereas I m advance in mental. Both of us not good with emotion.
Since I am a newbie in physical, I look up to him to lead and I open up and grow. On the mental, he didnt open up to me. He just took the physical with me.
On the emotion, I learned when I was with him and grow leaps when we broke up. Whereas he clamped down on his emotion.
Father, I truly has a better deal. I always told him that I will used our rship to find myself and grow. It is up to him whether he wants to do so.
Expressing my frustration
Jun 26 aft
Father, yea I got exasperated with the taxi driver as I waited for half an hour when it was supposed to be only ten minutes. I didnt want to go through traffic jam. Throughout I called and give direction. He didn't listen and went wrong way again. Anyway, he said I raised my voice and he will cancel my booking and won't pick me up and hang up on me. I got my sister to drive me instead.
I asked myself was I fair and I think I m fair. I didn't shout but I know I sound exasperated. Then a tot came of Z. Once I raised my voice and he said he will walk away if I don't stop. Well, I matter and I only raises voice when I reach my peak. If they can't handle, so be it. From now onward, I matters and I will express myself. If others disapprove of me, so be it.
Today I didn't check my office mails except for some calls in the morning. I am on leave and must keep it that way. I think this is the first time I didn't think of office.
I also got my car back with a new dashboard. So, everything is fresh and I went to replace the spoilt
Just finished my evening Shoonya and Samyama. I went into a deep Shoonya. Samyama was fine. I can see my tots. Final resting is so peaceful. I savour the silence. Plough back was great.
Watched Korean drama. Time to get some feeling of romance. When I was with Z, I don't watch cos real life not so romantic. When we break I didn't watch cos don't want to feel sad. Alas, now can watch.
Father, yea I got exasperated with the taxi driver as I waited for half an hour when it was supposed to be only ten minutes. I didnt want to go through traffic jam. Throughout I called and give direction. He didn't listen and went wrong way again. Anyway, he said I raised my voice and he will cancel my booking and won't pick me up and hang up on me. I got my sister to drive me instead.
I asked myself was I fair and I think I m fair. I didn't shout but I know I sound exasperated. Then a tot came of Z. Once I raised my voice and he said he will walk away if I don't stop. Well, I matter and I only raises voice when I reach my peak. If they can't handle, so be it. From now onward, I matters and I will express myself. If others disapprove of me, so be it.
Today I didn't check my office mails except for some calls in the morning. I am on leave and must keep it that way. I think this is the first time I didn't think of office.
I also got my car back with a new dashboard. So, everything is fresh and I went to replace the spoilt
Just finished my evening Shoonya and Samyama. I went into a deep Shoonya. Samyama was fine. I can see my tots. Final resting is so peaceful. I savour the silence. Plough back was great.
Watched Korean drama. Time to get some feeling of romance. When I was with Z, I don't watch cos real life not so romantic. When we break I didn't watch cos don't want to feel sad. Alas, now can watch.
My True Love is within
Jun 26
Woke up 7.25 am on alarm. Had a good rest. Surya kriya was good. I can already breathe well on back bending posture and now need to work on breathe fluttering. I also need to work on my feet, way out.
After Shavasana, I did my breathing meditation. It was really good. Just focusing on my breathe and silence. So peaceful. I stayed for quite awhile. Wish I could stay more but I still got Shakti and Shambavi to do.
Shakti was in another dimension. Once I got into 4252 I was in deep. Breathe happens by itself. I did a small dosage of Kapala Bhakti as menses is ending. After three years I can finally experience the potency of Shakti. My feet no longer as cramped.
Shambavi was good too. Towards the end, gulp of air escaped from my stomach. Perhaps all those years of suppression. And then silence for awhile.
Suddenly love song erupted from me. Then I cried as I feel my heart, my True love is within me.
I cried when I said my prayer of thanks to Father, Sadhguru, Masters, Osho and Vijii. Thanks for all the tools I have received. Thanks for bringing me to Now. I also thank myself for making the inner journey.
A lovely peaceful silence. I stayed for quite along while.
Father, some tots of Z comes in. All are extrapolation of Past. I looked and asked my mind to give me new ones. It just evaporate. It can't give me new ones. I can't rely on my mind.
Just did all my volunteering mail. Things are falling in place, just when I decided I will do what is needed. Isha is in me. I just took charge. No more resentment. As I knew its one of my calling. My previous resistance was my issue on validation, coupled with my Saturn in Aries. Coincidentally Z is over and Isha is in. At first I tot I dropped leadership in Isha and take Z. Alas, that's not to be.
Today received King of Spades - my long range card ( to find an area that I can take responsibility and to be a leader of some sort.)
Be prepared to take a leadership role and to live by ur own wisdom when this potent card appears. Success is yours for taking, but u have to stand and claim it.
Soul
I accepted my role in Isha. I accepted Z is out. He truly doesn't fit my values now. But I thank him for opening me up physically and giving me the situation to overcome my Past.
My next step is to let go of my mind. It truly is not creative. It has nothing new, all old stuff being rehashed into misguided shapes.
Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro on Rheumatoid Arthritis
The most important is finding ur heart and expressing it, sharing ur love and in this way become ur own best friend.
Soul
Yea. My True love is within
Abundance
If u r a woman, the King of Rainbows brings the support of ur own male energies into ur life, a union with soul mate within.
Woke up 7.25 am on alarm. Had a good rest. Surya kriya was good. I can already breathe well on back bending posture and now need to work on breathe fluttering. I also need to work on my feet, way out.
After Shavasana, I did my breathing meditation. It was really good. Just focusing on my breathe and silence. So peaceful. I stayed for quite awhile. Wish I could stay more but I still got Shakti and Shambavi to do.
Shakti was in another dimension. Once I got into 4252 I was in deep. Breathe happens by itself. I did a small dosage of Kapala Bhakti as menses is ending. After three years I can finally experience the potency of Shakti. My feet no longer as cramped.
Shambavi was good too. Towards the end, gulp of air escaped from my stomach. Perhaps all those years of suppression. And then silence for awhile.
Suddenly love song erupted from me. Then I cried as I feel my heart, my True love is within me.
I cried when I said my prayer of thanks to Father, Sadhguru, Masters, Osho and Vijii. Thanks for all the tools I have received. Thanks for bringing me to Now. I also thank myself for making the inner journey.
A lovely peaceful silence. I stayed for quite along while.
Father, some tots of Z comes in. All are extrapolation of Past. I looked and asked my mind to give me new ones. It just evaporate. It can't give me new ones. I can't rely on my mind.
Just did all my volunteering mail. Things are falling in place, just when I decided I will do what is needed. Isha is in me. I just took charge. No more resentment. As I knew its one of my calling. My previous resistance was my issue on validation, coupled with my Saturn in Aries. Coincidentally Z is over and Isha is in. At first I tot I dropped leadership in Isha and take Z. Alas, that's not to be.
Today received King of Spades - my long range card ( to find an area that I can take responsibility and to be a leader of some sort.)
Be prepared to take a leadership role and to live by ur own wisdom when this potent card appears. Success is yours for taking, but u have to stand and claim it.
Soul
I accepted my role in Isha. I accepted Z is out. He truly doesn't fit my values now. But I thank him for opening me up physically and giving me the situation to overcome my Past.
My next step is to let go of my mind. It truly is not creative. It has nothing new, all old stuff being rehashed into misguided shapes.
Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro on Rheumatoid Arthritis
The most important is finding ur heart and expressing it, sharing ur love and in this way become ur own best friend.
Soul
Yea. My True love is within
Abundance
If u r a woman, the King of Rainbows brings the support of ur own male energies into ur life, a union with soul mate within.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Sadhguru - Don't be influenced by me; Just stay with me and be empowered
June 23
Sadhguru - Compassionate conspirator video
There are two ways of managing situations. One is to manage the situation itself and the other is to manage the people. And the people will then manage the situation.
Most human being use their mind in extreme rudimentary way; to think, struggle and stress but not to create or to manifest what they want.
Soul
I think Z use it to create. For me, to defend myself against self attack.
Sadhguru
Be uneducated. Do not be educated by society or cultural or family influences.
Let no one influences u. Just sit here. All our experiences are only happening within ourselves. Unless we look at the mechanism.
Everyone is trying to be something more than who they are.
I refused to be influenced by a single tot or emotion around me.
If u r not influenced by me but u r with me, u will then be empowered by me.
Soul
That's it. All the while I felt guilty that I m not influenced by him. That despite taking in all his tools, I still don't let him influence me. I know I was afraid. I know I was recalcitrant. But I don't want to lose myself for anyone, not my parents, not even Sadhguru.
My boss said I m strong will thats why I m not influenced.
So, I m actually on the right track.
Father, as I was watching the video, suddenly I felt an overwhelming emotion. I just cry and tears flow.
Sadhguru
A psychoanalyst can only extricate you from the mess that u got urself into. He can't elevate u.
The messes happen because u r driving urself to go for something more than what they know.
What u call urself is just a software of memories.
How come a seed in soil become a mango or etc. it is because of the memory carried in the seed. That's why children looks like their father, mother or grandparent. It is because of the memory carried in the cell of the seed. The seed in fruits and human are make of up same materials, the five elements of water, earth, fire, wind and...
U can influence the memory in so many ways. Just by tots, emotion or by certain control over ur energy, u can influence the memory immensely to a point that everything in the memory can change. U r 72% water; so if I can influence the water that we drink, why can't I influence u, u r 72% water. This is the science of yoga. This is what they called mystical as they are ignorant of the process.
If u r borderless ignorance, thats means u have no knowledge of ur own. It is the knowledge that separates the existence.
Soul
I was judging my fluctuating sense of values that cause me to be affected by others. But it may also be this low sense of knowledge that cause me to be receptive to Energy.
Sadhguru
A guru is like a mechanic. If u have a disorder of any kind, u must go to a mechanic. Those who said they got no disorder, they definitely need to see the mechanic as that is a disorder. Not even open ur eyes and look at the existence around u, knowing where u come from, what u are, where u going, u definitely got disorder.
If u r looking for solution, u go to a Guru. He is to awaken u.
People asked for my blessing that nothing is to happen to them. I will counter by saying, I bless that everything should happen to u, joy should come, grieve, death, life should happen to u. Did u come here to experience life or to insulate urself from living?
Once something of significance has touched u. U must settle down, no more hunting and gathering. Just be there.
Spiritual is to transcend the physical/mental dimension of who u are right now. The nature of the physical is a boundary. Without a defined boundary, there is no such thing as physical. U want to touch a dimension that is beyond physical.
Life is receptivity. Ignorance of life is receptivity. It is only receptivity which empower ur body, ur mind.
If u r receptive, 60% of energy that u need cones from Water, air and sunlight. Only 40% comes from food that u eat.
If u r joyful person, food intake goes down and yet energy goes up. Why is this not happening everyday? It is because u have set the condition; only if this and this happen, I will involve myself, otherwise I will not get involve.
Ur breathe happens without ur involvement.
When I eat. Something that is not me becomes me. What is not me becomes me. The whole point of love affair is trying to include something that is not u to become part of u.
Food willingly becomes part of u. Not every person will get the same nutrients from the same food.
Ur spine is the center of universe. Ur experience is in ur spine. Everybody takes in the same thing but how it affects u is ur receptivity.
All the five elements have many memories. I can receive all their memories.
(Soul - all neuron in the spine)
Sadhguru
Perception and receptivity are not two different things. If perception is high, receptivity will increase and vice versa.
From the same morsels of food, what one receives is different for what everyone receives.
Soul
I have always been perceptive. That's why I m receptive. And now with my receptivity increased from practices, I become even more perceptive; hence the insights to heal myself.
And because of my receptivity, I m now sensitive to all spices, chilies . I just purged this morning breakfast, I had just a bit if chilli and yet my body is receptive and can't take it and purge it out.
Sadhguru
The center of ur experience is ur spine. If I activate the spine, ur experience is different.
Everything in ur life happens in comparisons. Sense organs need a context, always. Darkness is being feared because there is no context. U need Two for the mind to feel comfortable.
U do not know what is actually up or down. Nobody knows what is forward or backward.
Soul
That's why there should be no comparison, no judgement. Just as I don't know if meet up or break up is up or down.
My lesson is to live, to go with the flow.
Sadhguru
U only know what is inward and outward. The rest is imaginary. If u r enlightened, even inward and outward will also be lost. U will not know which is u and which is not u
Soul
This is similar to the auto immune information that the body is unable to discriminate what is her self and not her self. Father, there is something here.
Sadhguru
Human mind work only from the information or data it already has. It can only churned various combination or permutations. Actually it is only recycling from the past information that u already had. Spiritual process will not come this way.
Why do u classify a day as good day or bad day? Only human being does this.
One worm of tot can affect ur day.
U are giving more importance to ur psychological process than the existential process.
Ur tot and emotional process becomes more important. U r too full of urself.
More things goes wrong into my life compared with other people.
The whole process of suffering is that u have not open ur eyes properly and look at the grandeur of everything that is happening around u.
There is no bad day in existence.
I made a decision. Nothing happens inside me without my choice. I make it good, super good day.
If there is a choice for u today. Would u make it blissful or misery day?
The most important thing is to realise the immensity of what it means to be a human.
Soul
I do know. Tears start to flow. But I tot something wrong with me. Why no one knows how much we under deliver as a human. We are meant for more. I know and that's why my dream is self mastery. I want to be more than what I know and see around me. I want to be more than my psychological issues.
I am crying and tears flowing when I wrote this.
That's is why I always cry with Sadhguru. Cos I know I can be more than who I m now. But I am still afraid to be more than who I am right now.
Father, a tot came. I want to go to Kailash next year.
Sadhguru - Compassionate conspirator video
There are two ways of managing situations. One is to manage the situation itself and the other is to manage the people. And the people will then manage the situation.
Most human being use their mind in extreme rudimentary way; to think, struggle and stress but not to create or to manifest what they want.
Soul
I think Z use it to create. For me, to defend myself against self attack.
Sadhguru
Be uneducated. Do not be educated by society or cultural or family influences.
Let no one influences u. Just sit here. All our experiences are only happening within ourselves. Unless we look at the mechanism.
Everyone is trying to be something more than who they are.
I refused to be influenced by a single tot or emotion around me.
If u r not influenced by me but u r with me, u will then be empowered by me.
Soul
That's it. All the while I felt guilty that I m not influenced by him. That despite taking in all his tools, I still don't let him influence me. I know I was afraid. I know I was recalcitrant. But I don't want to lose myself for anyone, not my parents, not even Sadhguru.
My boss said I m strong will thats why I m not influenced.
So, I m actually on the right track.
Father, as I was watching the video, suddenly I felt an overwhelming emotion. I just cry and tears flow.
Sadhguru
A psychoanalyst can only extricate you from the mess that u got urself into. He can't elevate u.
The messes happen because u r driving urself to go for something more than what they know.
What u call urself is just a software of memories.
How come a seed in soil become a mango or etc. it is because of the memory carried in the seed. That's why children looks like their father, mother or grandparent. It is because of the memory carried in the cell of the seed. The seed in fruits and human are make of up same materials, the five elements of water, earth, fire, wind and...
U can influence the memory in so many ways. Just by tots, emotion or by certain control over ur energy, u can influence the memory immensely to a point that everything in the memory can change. U r 72% water; so if I can influence the water that we drink, why can't I influence u, u r 72% water. This is the science of yoga. This is what they called mystical as they are ignorant of the process.
If u r borderless ignorance, thats means u have no knowledge of ur own. It is the knowledge that separates the existence.
Soul
I was judging my fluctuating sense of values that cause me to be affected by others. But it may also be this low sense of knowledge that cause me to be receptive to Energy.
Sadhguru
A guru is like a mechanic. If u have a disorder of any kind, u must go to a mechanic. Those who said they got no disorder, they definitely need to see the mechanic as that is a disorder. Not even open ur eyes and look at the existence around u, knowing where u come from, what u are, where u going, u definitely got disorder.
If u r looking for solution, u go to a Guru. He is to awaken u.
People asked for my blessing that nothing is to happen to them. I will counter by saying, I bless that everything should happen to u, joy should come, grieve, death, life should happen to u. Did u come here to experience life or to insulate urself from living?
Once something of significance has touched u. U must settle down, no more hunting and gathering. Just be there.
Spiritual is to transcend the physical/mental dimension of who u are right now. The nature of the physical is a boundary. Without a defined boundary, there is no such thing as physical. U want to touch a dimension that is beyond physical.
Life is receptivity. Ignorance of life is receptivity. It is only receptivity which empower ur body, ur mind.
If u r receptive, 60% of energy that u need cones from Water, air and sunlight. Only 40% comes from food that u eat.
If u r joyful person, food intake goes down and yet energy goes up. Why is this not happening everyday? It is because u have set the condition; only if this and this happen, I will involve myself, otherwise I will not get involve.
Ur breathe happens without ur involvement.
When I eat. Something that is not me becomes me. What is not me becomes me. The whole point of love affair is trying to include something that is not u to become part of u.
Food willingly becomes part of u. Not every person will get the same nutrients from the same food.
Ur spine is the center of universe. Ur experience is in ur spine. Everybody takes in the same thing but how it affects u is ur receptivity.
All the five elements have many memories. I can receive all their memories.
(Soul - all neuron in the spine)
Sadhguru
Perception and receptivity are not two different things. If perception is high, receptivity will increase and vice versa.
From the same morsels of food, what one receives is different for what everyone receives.
Soul
I have always been perceptive. That's why I m receptive. And now with my receptivity increased from practices, I become even more perceptive; hence the insights to heal myself.
And because of my receptivity, I m now sensitive to all spices, chilies . I just purged this morning breakfast, I had just a bit if chilli and yet my body is receptive and can't take it and purge it out.
Sadhguru
The center of ur experience is ur spine. If I activate the spine, ur experience is different.
Everything in ur life happens in comparisons. Sense organs need a context, always. Darkness is being feared because there is no context. U need Two for the mind to feel comfortable.
U do not know what is actually up or down. Nobody knows what is forward or backward.
Soul
That's why there should be no comparison, no judgement. Just as I don't know if meet up or break up is up or down.
My lesson is to live, to go with the flow.
Sadhguru
U only know what is inward and outward. The rest is imaginary. If u r enlightened, even inward and outward will also be lost. U will not know which is u and which is not u
Soul
This is similar to the auto immune information that the body is unable to discriminate what is her self and not her self. Father, there is something here.
Sadhguru
Human mind work only from the information or data it already has. It can only churned various combination or permutations. Actually it is only recycling from the past information that u already had. Spiritual process will not come this way.
Why do u classify a day as good day or bad day? Only human being does this.
One worm of tot can affect ur day.
U are giving more importance to ur psychological process than the existential process.
Ur tot and emotional process becomes more important. U r too full of urself.
More things goes wrong into my life compared with other people.
The whole process of suffering is that u have not open ur eyes properly and look at the grandeur of everything that is happening around u.
There is no bad day in existence.
I made a decision. Nothing happens inside me without my choice. I make it good, super good day.
If there is a choice for u today. Would u make it blissful or misery day?
The most important thing is to realise the immensity of what it means to be a human.
Soul
I do know. Tears start to flow. But I tot something wrong with me. Why no one knows how much we under deliver as a human. We are meant for more. I know and that's why my dream is self mastery. I want to be more than what I know and see around me. I want to be more than my psychological issues.
I am crying and tears flowing when I wrote this.
That's is why I always cry with Sadhguru. Cos I know I can be more than who I m now. But I am still afraid to be more than who I am right now.
Father, a tot came. I want to go to Kailash next year.
Neptnue cards - clouds my perception
Jun 25 eve
Father, today I was less reactive. It is a humbling day.
I was exasperated with E but I recalled that it was my Neptune that has clouded me and the fact that we are karmic cousin and me being his Cosmic Rewards card, I calmed down.
But I did express my dissatisfaction with my staff.
Just now Shoonya and Shamyama was fine. But the silence thereafter was sweet. I just want to sit and savour myself. So contented.
Today I didn't take lunch, just don't feel like eating. I just had orange juice.
When I was having my dinner I saw the nice looking pork dish. But I didn't eat cos its not worth the price. Besides my body frame has reduced. I m back to my weight before I had Z. I like my body now.
Sadhguru is right, two meals a day is enough. Although I skipped lunch, I didn't have any increased appetite for dinner.
I will continue to read The Power of Now when I do compilation of book tomorrow. Now starts with Krishna by Osho. I read this just a month before I did IE in 2008. Near coming to five year, so good to read again especially since I watched the Leela DVD.
Krishna by Osho
Transcendence is only possible when u choicelessly accept both parts together. Krishna accepts duality, the dialectics of life altogether and therefore transcends duality.
Spirituality accepts and unreservedly accepts, all the dimension of life. It accepts sex and attachment together, relationship and indulgence, love and devotion, yoga and meditation, and everything there is to life.
Soul
I want all.
Krishna by Osho
The truth is, we can only change our friends; the question of changing those we treat as enemies simply do not arise. There is no way to even understand our enemy; it is just impossible.
Soul
That was my tot on E today. No point antagonising him, it will only aggravate and prolong the pain. Disarm him instead.
Krishna by Osho
Nietzsche says a tree that longs to reach the heights of heaven must first sink its roots go. If u want to ascend to the skies u will have to descend into the abyss as well.
Soul
I know. That's why I m not afraid to go in deep.
That's what I told M, to go beyond the surface but she doesn't want. Suddenly a tot occur, perhaps she can't. So, let her be.
Father, today I can see the similarities between P and S. Both of them raised voice whenever they feel defensive.
Father, today I was less reactive. It is a humbling day.
I was exasperated with E but I recalled that it was my Neptune that has clouded me and the fact that we are karmic cousin and me being his Cosmic Rewards card, I calmed down.
But I did express my dissatisfaction with my staff.
Just now Shoonya and Shamyama was fine. But the silence thereafter was sweet. I just want to sit and savour myself. So contented.
Today I didn't take lunch, just don't feel like eating. I just had orange juice.
When I was having my dinner I saw the nice looking pork dish. But I didn't eat cos its not worth the price. Besides my body frame has reduced. I m back to my weight before I had Z. I like my body now.
Sadhguru is right, two meals a day is enough. Although I skipped lunch, I didn't have any increased appetite for dinner.
I will continue to read The Power of Now when I do compilation of book tomorrow. Now starts with Krishna by Osho. I read this just a month before I did IE in 2008. Near coming to five year, so good to read again especially since I watched the Leela DVD.
Krishna by Osho
Transcendence is only possible when u choicelessly accept both parts together. Krishna accepts duality, the dialectics of life altogether and therefore transcends duality.
Spirituality accepts and unreservedly accepts, all the dimension of life. It accepts sex and attachment together, relationship and indulgence, love and devotion, yoga and meditation, and everything there is to life.
Soul
I want all.
Krishna by Osho
The truth is, we can only change our friends; the question of changing those we treat as enemies simply do not arise. There is no way to even understand our enemy; it is just impossible.
Soul
That was my tot on E today. No point antagonising him, it will only aggravate and prolong the pain. Disarm him instead.
Krishna by Osho
Nietzsche says a tree that longs to reach the heights of heaven must first sink its roots go. If u want to ascend to the skies u will have to descend into the abyss as well.
Soul
I know. That's why I m not afraid to go in deep.
That's what I told M, to go beyond the surface but she doesn't want. Suddenly a tot occur, perhaps she can't. So, let her be.
Father, today I can see the similarities between P and S. Both of them raised voice whenever they feel defensive.
North Node in 11th house (Aquarius) - afraid to tell due to hunger for aproval
Jun 25 aft
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are learning that when they try to remind everyone else of their lines and expected behaviour, they forget to play their own authentic part. They need to stand back and observe others objectively. Over time, the other person's qualities will become clear. The native won't be disappointed because she is simply observing who the other person is without any expectations. Then she can tune in to how the other person's behaviour affects her. Rather than trying to change people, she can decide who she feels good spending time with.
A further advantage of this approach is that by allowing the other person to be himself, it gives her space to be herself as well.
Then, keeping her goal in her mind, she can spontaneously express her reactions in ways that are appropriate to the situation as it unfolds.
Soul
Father, amen.
I did forget my goal. It got mixed up with my Past script.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
These folks are so hungry for approval that its hard to let go; they may be willing to play any role necessary to win the approval and love they want.
But they won't have a good sense of what role to play (what is actually desired by the loved one) if they haven't objectively observed the other's fantasies.
Since they lack the objective perception to play the game well, its much better for them not to play at all. Instead, they need to relax, go with the flow, and tell the truth about who they are and how they feel as the situation unfolds. Then the other person will either resonate or not, so the romantic relationship can be based on the same honesty as a friendship.
The irony is that they are coming from a place of such goodness and love that when they allow others to see their inherent innocence by releasing willfulness and revealing their honest responses, the other person most often responds with love.
Soul
I don't dare to ask and don't dare to tell.
Yea, I have wilfulness.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are learning that when they try to remind everyone else of their lines and expected behaviour, they forget to play their own authentic part. They need to stand back and observe others objectively. Over time, the other person's qualities will become clear. The native won't be disappointed because she is simply observing who the other person is without any expectations. Then she can tune in to how the other person's behaviour affects her. Rather than trying to change people, she can decide who she feels good spending time with.
A further advantage of this approach is that by allowing the other person to be himself, it gives her space to be herself as well.
Then, keeping her goal in her mind, she can spontaneously express her reactions in ways that are appropriate to the situation as it unfolds.
Soul
Father, amen.
I did forget my goal. It got mixed up with my Past script.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
These folks are so hungry for approval that its hard to let go; they may be willing to play any role necessary to win the approval and love they want.
But they won't have a good sense of what role to play (what is actually desired by the loved one) if they haven't objectively observed the other's fantasies.
Since they lack the objective perception to play the game well, its much better for them not to play at all. Instead, they need to relax, go with the flow, and tell the truth about who they are and how they feel as the situation unfolds. Then the other person will either resonate or not, so the romantic relationship can be based on the same honesty as a friendship.
The irony is that they are coming from a place of such goodness and love that when they allow others to see their inherent innocence by releasing willfulness and revealing their honest responses, the other person most often responds with love.
Soul
I don't dare to ask and don't dare to tell.
Yea, I have wilfulness.
North Node in 11th house (need to lose the script)
Jun 25
Had some cough last night due to haze. So, didnt sleep well. Body was tired when alarm rang. So, I adjusted and wake up 5.30 am instead. Had a good nap.
Did one cycle of Surya kriya and it was good. Breathing was nice, wish I had more time. Shakti was good. Shambavi was fine. I ended with a peaceful silence. A sense of sweetness enveloped me. I sat there for quite a while. Plough back was good too despite only one cycle of Surya kriya. Wish I have more time to sit and savour the peaceful silence.
Today I can see my body frame has definitely reduce in size. I m going back to my weight before Z, before I had the contraceptive pills, before I used food while pining for Z. I think Surya Kriya and the change of diet did it. Also, I m letting go of my past values. Definitely a new beginning and the journey continues.
Last night realisation of my anger is great. This is a new beginning for my expression. I need not hold my image anymore. Those repressed anger is attacking my joints. Father, I want to have manicure again. I stopped when my middle finger swell. And the swelling is there for nearly 7 years. I think is time for me to show the beauty of my hand. I can't help the swell, but it is only one finger, I need not hide the whole beauty just because of one flaw.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are learning to recognise that if they can't make progress on a current project, the universe is trying to send them in a different direction. They should allow the flow of natural events to show them where to put their time and energy, rather than trying to dictate decisions from their own point of view. If something doesn't turn out the way they want it, perhaps the outcome is destined to be something they aren't aware of.
Soul
Truly learning with Z. Amen.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Rather than putting out too much personal effort, they need to relax and remain open to the Flow - then they will travel with true power behind them. Eg, even though its their job to bring in the New Age, if they don't allow the Angels to help them, they will become too attached to their personal effort and won't have the power to accomplish their goal. If they rest in the Flow, they will find themselves using minimal effort to accomplish maximum results
Soul
Will take note. I admit that losing Z makes me focus on my blog, which may not be the right thing. Just go with the Flow; whoever should read will read.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Releasing expectation
Many of their expectation come from the fact that have already played out a situation in their head and given everyone their proper lines - so when they are actually with those people, they subconsciously force them into the role of their fantasy. This leads to 2 problems. First, when the other person doesn't go along with the script, they become confused and angry; their expectation are disappointed. Second, when she is focused on the "script" she can't see what is happening in the present, so she loses touch with her ability to change the situation to her advantage.
Soul
Z consciously force me into the role whereas I subsconciously force him.
I was caught off guard by his quick wedding, his avoidance mode and etc. that's why I keep on holding on to find the correction. I was judging myself for my stupidity. Why I didn't see it coming.
Father, this is truly humbling. I who take pride on my communication and strategy got my rug pulled out. It got pulled cos I keep on focusing my script, ignoring that the script has changed. I ignored cos I hope that I m not abandoned. I hope that I m not stupid for trusting Z.
This is similar to my lifetime challenge of Seven of Hearts. Will look at this.
Father, just like Z was caught off guard when his wife asked for divorce to marry another man.
The same I was caught off guard when Z marry another gal.
He was also willing to overlook her infidelity as long as she stays in the marriage. Previously I tot he has true compassion. The real reason is he don't want to lose the script.
That's the same reason why I still hold on for 6 months eventhough Z told me his wedding date and avoided me, I too don't want the script to be changed. I tot if I maintain my position, story remain. Alas it is not so. I did exactly what Z did. Guess he may have seen it too.
Father, this is truly humbling. Z was truly my mirror in Seven of Hearts.
Just got Osho card. The Mind. The cloud has to be dropped. And it is with ur decision to drop that it will disappear. U r clinging to it.
Soul
First tot is stop thinking of Z, is over.
Second tot is saying the Script is all in my mind. Yea, second one as it align with my Inquiry card. Alas can see my Seven of Heart.
Five of Spades
A change in ur life style. Something will affects the way u live or things that u do each day.
Soul
Yea, will drop script.
Father, so humbling. I too tot I was loving and compassionate in waiting for Z despite his avoidance.
I recalled Z used to wait for his ex gal who was two timing him for nearly 2 years. I tot what a fool, but also what deep love. In the end, it is just us trying to hold on to our script.
Father, so humbling.
Had some cough last night due to haze. So, didnt sleep well. Body was tired when alarm rang. So, I adjusted and wake up 5.30 am instead. Had a good nap.
Did one cycle of Surya kriya and it was good. Breathing was nice, wish I had more time. Shakti was good. Shambavi was fine. I ended with a peaceful silence. A sense of sweetness enveloped me. I sat there for quite a while. Plough back was good too despite only one cycle of Surya kriya. Wish I have more time to sit and savour the peaceful silence.
Today I can see my body frame has definitely reduce in size. I m going back to my weight before Z, before I had the contraceptive pills, before I used food while pining for Z. I think Surya Kriya and the change of diet did it. Also, I m letting go of my past values. Definitely a new beginning and the journey continues.
Last night realisation of my anger is great. This is a new beginning for my expression. I need not hold my image anymore. Those repressed anger is attacking my joints. Father, I want to have manicure again. I stopped when my middle finger swell. And the swelling is there for nearly 7 years. I think is time for me to show the beauty of my hand. I can't help the swell, but it is only one finger, I need not hide the whole beauty just because of one flaw.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are learning to recognise that if they can't make progress on a current project, the universe is trying to send them in a different direction. They should allow the flow of natural events to show them where to put their time and energy, rather than trying to dictate decisions from their own point of view. If something doesn't turn out the way they want it, perhaps the outcome is destined to be something they aren't aware of.
Soul
Truly learning with Z. Amen.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Rather than putting out too much personal effort, they need to relax and remain open to the Flow - then they will travel with true power behind them. Eg, even though its their job to bring in the New Age, if they don't allow the Angels to help them, they will become too attached to their personal effort and won't have the power to accomplish their goal. If they rest in the Flow, they will find themselves using minimal effort to accomplish maximum results
Soul
Will take note. I admit that losing Z makes me focus on my blog, which may not be the right thing. Just go with the Flow; whoever should read will read.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Releasing expectation
Many of their expectation come from the fact that have already played out a situation in their head and given everyone their proper lines - so when they are actually with those people, they subconsciously force them into the role of their fantasy. This leads to 2 problems. First, when the other person doesn't go along with the script, they become confused and angry; their expectation are disappointed. Second, when she is focused on the "script" she can't see what is happening in the present, so she loses touch with her ability to change the situation to her advantage.
Soul
Z consciously force me into the role whereas I subsconciously force him.
I was caught off guard by his quick wedding, his avoidance mode and etc. that's why I keep on holding on to find the correction. I was judging myself for my stupidity. Why I didn't see it coming.
Father, this is truly humbling. I who take pride on my communication and strategy got my rug pulled out. It got pulled cos I keep on focusing my script, ignoring that the script has changed. I ignored cos I hope that I m not abandoned. I hope that I m not stupid for trusting Z.
This is similar to my lifetime challenge of Seven of Hearts. Will look at this.
Father, just like Z was caught off guard when his wife asked for divorce to marry another man.
The same I was caught off guard when Z marry another gal.
He was also willing to overlook her infidelity as long as she stays in the marriage. Previously I tot he has true compassion. The real reason is he don't want to lose the script.
That's the same reason why I still hold on for 6 months eventhough Z told me his wedding date and avoided me, I too don't want the script to be changed. I tot if I maintain my position, story remain. Alas it is not so. I did exactly what Z did. Guess he may have seen it too.
Father, this is truly humbling. Z was truly my mirror in Seven of Hearts.
Just got Osho card. The Mind. The cloud has to be dropped. And it is with ur decision to drop that it will disappear. U r clinging to it.
Soul
First tot is stop thinking of Z, is over.
Second tot is saying the Script is all in my mind. Yea, second one as it align with my Inquiry card. Alas can see my Seven of Heart.
Five of Spades
A change in ur life style. Something will affects the way u live or things that u do each day.
Soul
Yea, will drop script.
Father, so humbling. I too tot I was loving and compassionate in waiting for Z despite his avoidance.
I recalled Z used to wait for his ex gal who was two timing him for nearly 2 years. I tot what a fool, but also what deep love. In the end, it is just us trying to hold on to our script.
Father, so humbling.
First time feeling and expressing anger
Jun 24 eve
Father, a coincidence. Me now reading The Power of Now. At the same time I m compiling abridged book that is also the same title.
After this would be Krishna. I read Krishna just before I did Isha. And I watched Sadhguru on Krishna's Leela a few months back. Perhaps good to read Krishna now with fresh eyes. Amen.
The Power of Now
Are u defending ur right to be unconscious, ur right to suffer.
Don't worry, nobody is going to take that away from u.
Once u realise that a certain kind of food make u sick, would you carry on eating that food and keep on asserting that it is okay to be sick.
Soul
This really hits me. I have been purging for the past 2 years on spices and yet I continue to eat.
I am truly wilful
At first there was no pain but recently it comes with pain.
Recently I am thinking that I am being stupid to continue to seek suffering...just so that I can take spicy food. What I am asserting on? What am I being wilful about?
Late evening
Just exploded into anger on the related company colleagues. I have been patient and nice but not only didnt appreciate, can even attack us.
I feel the heat up my face, my heart beat fast and I write the mail. I have been so tolerant but they really tested my patience.
I finally experience real anger.
When I got into my car, I exploded into tear. I cried loads and I then realised this is the first time I expressed my anger.
I cried cos I remember that I couldn't even get angry during BSP. I couldn't scream out my anger. I can only cry.
I cried cos I truly matters. My feelings are important too. I matters. I cried cos I now know why I can tolerate Z for his lack of care for me.
Now I know why 2013/14 Mercury is Two of Clubs (communication, fear and arguing) and Indirect card is Two of Spades (friendship and working partnership)
For the first time I expressed my anger. No wonder today Five of Clubs.
Cough
What is causing u to feel so irritated?
Is something or someone making u feel hot or angry?
Are u being asked to accept or swallow something u don't want?
Is something or someone making u gag?
Are u longing to express urself, to let out ur feelings.
Are u feeling overwhelmed or smothered by something or someone?
Soul
Yea, the related company colleagues. Especially my ex boss. Thank God I quit working for him. But he is truly making me angry. As my regional boss said he is trying to make life difficult for us so that we let them go off to form their own finance team.
Ur body speaks ur mind
Rheumatoid arthritis
The body mind symptoms indicate there may be repressed anger.
Do u lack assertiveness and feeling inhibited, find urself unable to express urself in the way u really want to.
Do u undermine urself through criticism or a lack of self respect.
Soul
Alas I got all.
My value of a high EQ person has resulted in my anger turning inward into resentment. And I don't even allow myself resentment, so it goes into attacking my body instead.
Father, thank to E relentless attack caused me to have my first true expression of anger.
My Destiny Queen of Diamonds to E's Ruling Ten of Diamonds.
E is my Neptune in Life spread and Spiritual spread. Try to see how strongly u project ur fantasies in him and take a moment to separate what u want them to be from who they really are. In this manner ur own projections will not block the truth and u will be able to have a relationship with a real person instead of a dream that is constantly threatening to become a nightmare.
I need to see the real him. Exactly my experience while working with him. That's part of the reason why I quit.
I am Pluto in Life Spread to E - his challenge. I have a powerful effect on him causing intense feelings. This may be the cause of battle of wills.
My Destiny Queen of Diamonds to E's Six of Hearts in Ruling
We are karma cousins to each other. Both of us have a debt to settle with the other.
Father, a coincidence. Me now reading The Power of Now. At the same time I m compiling abridged book that is also the same title.
After this would be Krishna. I read Krishna just before I did Isha. And I watched Sadhguru on Krishna's Leela a few months back. Perhaps good to read Krishna now with fresh eyes. Amen.
The Power of Now
Are u defending ur right to be unconscious, ur right to suffer.
Don't worry, nobody is going to take that away from u.
Once u realise that a certain kind of food make u sick, would you carry on eating that food and keep on asserting that it is okay to be sick.
Soul
This really hits me. I have been purging for the past 2 years on spices and yet I continue to eat.
I am truly wilful
At first there was no pain but recently it comes with pain.
Recently I am thinking that I am being stupid to continue to seek suffering...just so that I can take spicy food. What I am asserting on? What am I being wilful about?
Late evening
Just exploded into anger on the related company colleagues. I have been patient and nice but not only didnt appreciate, can even attack us.
I feel the heat up my face, my heart beat fast and I write the mail. I have been so tolerant but they really tested my patience.
I finally experience real anger.
When I got into my car, I exploded into tear. I cried loads and I then realised this is the first time I expressed my anger.
I cried cos I remember that I couldn't even get angry during BSP. I couldn't scream out my anger. I can only cry.
I cried cos I truly matters. My feelings are important too. I matters. I cried cos I now know why I can tolerate Z for his lack of care for me.
Now I know why 2013/14 Mercury is Two of Clubs (communication, fear and arguing) and Indirect card is Two of Spades (friendship and working partnership)
For the first time I expressed my anger. No wonder today Five of Clubs.
Cough
What is causing u to feel so irritated?
Is something or someone making u feel hot or angry?
Are u being asked to accept or swallow something u don't want?
Is something or someone making u gag?
Are u longing to express urself, to let out ur feelings.
Are u feeling overwhelmed or smothered by something or someone?
Soul
Yea, the related company colleagues. Especially my ex boss. Thank God I quit working for him. But he is truly making me angry. As my regional boss said he is trying to make life difficult for us so that we let them go off to form their own finance team.
Ur body speaks ur mind
Rheumatoid arthritis
The body mind symptoms indicate there may be repressed anger.
Do u lack assertiveness and feeling inhibited, find urself unable to express urself in the way u really want to.
Do u undermine urself through criticism or a lack of self respect.
Soul
Alas I got all.
My value of a high EQ person has resulted in my anger turning inward into resentment. And I don't even allow myself resentment, so it goes into attacking my body instead.
Father, thank to E relentless attack caused me to have my first true expression of anger.
My Destiny Queen of Diamonds to E's Ruling Ten of Diamonds.
E is my Neptune in Life spread and Spiritual spread. Try to see how strongly u project ur fantasies in him and take a moment to separate what u want them to be from who they really are. In this manner ur own projections will not block the truth and u will be able to have a relationship with a real person instead of a dream that is constantly threatening to become a nightmare.
I need to see the real him. Exactly my experience while working with him. That's part of the reason why I quit.
I am Pluto in Life Spread to E - his challenge. I have a powerful effect on him causing intense feelings. This may be the cause of battle of wills.
My Destiny Queen of Diamonds to E's Six of Hearts in Ruling
We are karma cousins to each other. Both of us have a debt to settle with the other.
North Node in 11th house - attune to Esoteric Sciences
Jun 24 aft
Five of Clubs
Change of mind and plan is the basic meaning.
This signal for a change in ur life. U will feel a dissatisfaction with things as they are and want to progress into new areas. Be open to new plans, new ideas, new places to go, etc.
Soul
Today feeling bit restless. Maybe due heavy flow of menses. But feels better after a nice cheese cake and coffee. Also glad I m having my time alone.
Father, I truly need time alone. That's one of the main reason I never wanted children.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They need impersonal feedback to gain perspective, because they are so identified with themselves that they can't see themselves clearly.
For example, in a romantic relationship they are usually blissfully ignorant of what is going on. Then, because of factors in the larger picture that they didn't see, they get hurt.
Soul
True. I was caught off guard that he went into marriage without telling me.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
To avoid emotional pain, they need an objective guidance system for their personal life.
These folks need to modify the ego and bring themselves into alignment with the Flow. The Esoteric Sciences (Astrology, Numerology, Tarot, Handwriting Analysis, etc.) can provide the objectivity to re-strategies. These resources increase Aquarius north nodes' power of correct observation and modify their tendency to automatically react to situations in an ego-centered way. The I Ching is an excellent tool for this; it gives them the "inside scoop" on what is troubling them and it empowers them to come into alignment with what is actually happening. Astrology is also an excellent tool for fostering objectivity. It allows them to see themselves and others impartially, releasing them from the frustrations of trying to evoke things in the other person that are not there, and providing otherwise hidden knowledge of who they really are. It helps them to accept themselves and others, and value others' individuality.
Soul
Father, perfect.
I used the following tools:
Astrology (natal charts, north nodes and Cosmic Love by Jan Spiller.
Humanmetrics
7thunders cards
Osho tarot cards
Actually 7thunders did say about the separation with Z via Five of Hearts in Venus and it also said letting go of Z, food and career via Nine of Diamonds in Results.
It also tells me that late last year, Z be meeting his new partner and this year he be marrying but I ignored it.
Osho tarot keep on giving me Completion card and Clinging to the past card, which I ignored too.
Natal chart tells me Z was my Soul mate, which is true as he is my mirror in many ways. Learning about Z natal chart also led me to understand his need for society's approval and children. But I choose to ignored cos I was wilful and I had abandonment issue.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are talented in Esoteric Sciences and could easily enter one of these fields professionally. They have an ability to "read the map" of the astrology or tarots.
Soul
Yes, I am talented. I seems to have inherent skill. But not keen in going professional.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Another resource is their friends. They have great friendship karma.
Soul
I normally go to P.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
When they step back and deliberately look at situations from the other person's perspective (what the other person wants and needs), then they can make choices in alignment with what will work for everyone including themselves - in each situation.
But ultimately, to gain the full measure of freedom and love they so fervently seek requires these folks to not only objectively view others but also objectively view themselves. As they begin to observe themselves without judging, they gain the perspective to authentically be themselves without fear.
Soul
Amen. On the right track. Still travelling. But I m no longer worried about uncertainty as I got loads of Help.
Five of Clubs
Change of mind and plan is the basic meaning.
This signal for a change in ur life. U will feel a dissatisfaction with things as they are and want to progress into new areas. Be open to new plans, new ideas, new places to go, etc.
Soul
Today feeling bit restless. Maybe due heavy flow of menses. But feels better after a nice cheese cake and coffee. Also glad I m having my time alone.
Father, I truly need time alone. That's one of the main reason I never wanted children.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They need impersonal feedback to gain perspective, because they are so identified with themselves that they can't see themselves clearly.
For example, in a romantic relationship they are usually blissfully ignorant of what is going on. Then, because of factors in the larger picture that they didn't see, they get hurt.
Soul
True. I was caught off guard that he went into marriage without telling me.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
To avoid emotional pain, they need an objective guidance system for their personal life.
These folks need to modify the ego and bring themselves into alignment with the Flow. The Esoteric Sciences (Astrology, Numerology, Tarot, Handwriting Analysis, etc.) can provide the objectivity to re-strategies. These resources increase Aquarius north nodes' power of correct observation and modify their tendency to automatically react to situations in an ego-centered way. The I Ching is an excellent tool for this; it gives them the "inside scoop" on what is troubling them and it empowers them to come into alignment with what is actually happening. Astrology is also an excellent tool for fostering objectivity. It allows them to see themselves and others impartially, releasing them from the frustrations of trying to evoke things in the other person that are not there, and providing otherwise hidden knowledge of who they really are. It helps them to accept themselves and others, and value others' individuality.
Soul
Father, perfect.
I used the following tools:
Astrology (natal charts, north nodes and Cosmic Love by Jan Spiller.
Humanmetrics
7thunders cards
Osho tarot cards
Actually 7thunders did say about the separation with Z via Five of Hearts in Venus and it also said letting go of Z, food and career via Nine of Diamonds in Results.
It also tells me that late last year, Z be meeting his new partner and this year he be marrying but I ignored it.
Osho tarot keep on giving me Completion card and Clinging to the past card, which I ignored too.
Natal chart tells me Z was my Soul mate, which is true as he is my mirror in many ways. Learning about Z natal chart also led me to understand his need for society's approval and children. But I choose to ignored cos I was wilful and I had abandonment issue.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are talented in Esoteric Sciences and could easily enter one of these fields professionally. They have an ability to "read the map" of the astrology or tarots.
Soul
Yes, I am talented. I seems to have inherent skill. But not keen in going professional.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Another resource is their friends. They have great friendship karma.
Soul
I normally go to P.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
When they step back and deliberately look at situations from the other person's perspective (what the other person wants and needs), then they can make choices in alignment with what will work for everyone including themselves - in each situation.
But ultimately, to gain the full measure of freedom and love they so fervently seek requires these folks to not only objectively view others but also objectively view themselves. As they begin to observe themselves without judging, they gain the perspective to authentically be themselves without fear.
Soul
Amen. On the right track. Still travelling. But I m no longer worried about uncertainty as I got loads of Help.
North node in 11th house - New Age
Jun 24
Father, I woke up 4.30 am. Menses finally came after a week delay. It is understandable as I was faced with much stress over Z's wedding. It is over and I m now going with the flow.
This morning I woke up 4.30 am. Did 5 cycles of Surya kriya. It was a lovely practice and I went in deep. Both feet touches the ground a few times. I m feeling something for breathe fluttering posture. Towards the end, laughter escaped.
Did a quick Shavasana as I was not tired. Breathing was good, just watching my breathe and going with the flow.
Shakti was great and I went in deep from the breathing. Even the 4252 for Kapala Bhakti was also good. Somehow I can do it the right way.
Shambavi was good.
Towards the end, a peaceful silence descends. All clearing been done. I also cut my hair yesterday.
I feel renewed today.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They need to make a choice; personal, ego-centred life vs impersonal dedication to humanity. When they choose to focus on personal life, they lose; when they choose impersonal dedication to humanitarian causes, they win - and the personal life they always longed for is magically added!
Soul
Mmm, Isha volunteering is with me. I even need to lead most times. I used to resent being a Sathsang guide but I accepted my role.
Last week volunteer meeting was small and cosy. It is not the quantity but quality that matters. For the first time I understand "putting others above ourself"; providing voluntary services for others.
Father, as I read this I can't help thinking Z is so far away from his North Node in Aquarius. The glimmer of good I saw in him was actually in me. I am much more reflective of North node in Aquarius than Z. The main part Z fulfils is the need for more and more to seek approval from others and resulted in him spending beyond his means. Now I know why I skipped it.
What I love was the possibility of him and what got me hooked was our physical connection and my fear of abandonment. I tot our communication was good but alas it was proven wrong by the ending. I can't ask and he can't tell. So, no true communication.
He was truly my mirror.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
These folks may have tough time hearing feedback in a constructive way, but they are learning to see the larger view.
For example, if they write children's stories, they first find out which publishers are interested in what kind of story. If they receive rejection slip, they should find out what the publisher needs and tailor their creative product to fit.
Moreover, they are recognising that they can't take credit for their ideas anyway, because none of them are truly "theirs"! New Age, innovative ideas are floating in the air, and Aquarius north nodes' gift is their "antenna" are tuned to the right frequency to pick them up.
Recognising this release their fears of both success and failure, because their ideas really have nothing to do with them personally. Their job is simply to "pick up" the idea and transmit them to others.
Soul
Exactly. I have fears of both success and failure.
So, this further reaffirm my path of keeping my part time corporate job to provide financial security and my website is my services to humanity. And I am just a "compiler" and "applicator" of ideas. I shared because I needed the release. So win win situation. Even if no one ever reads, I still need to share for my own release. Amen.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
These folks have access to inner knowledge that helps free people. This, when their intention is to empower others, the motive is so clear that the necessary Ideas just "come through" - intuitively, or from other people.
Soul
I always know I m a good filter and applicator and part of me wish that others have access to the knowledge that I have gathered. I want to help others save time, accelerate their inner journey.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Life is like a boomerang. When they use their creative energy to help others, whatever they need comes back to help them.
There is great power for these folks in altruism. When the ego is not involved and they are not personally invested in the results, its easy for them to be creatively involved. Self-gain will be a natural product. The Universe keeps filling them up because they're passing on the benefits of their creative energy to others.
Soul
My Jupiter is Nine of Hearts and my Cosmic Reward is Nine of Diamonds. My Venus is Three of Spades. My Neptune is Queen of Spades. All points to me compiling and sharing my inner journey via website.
I finally overcome my Saturn in Seven of Clubs and Cosmic Lesson of Seven of Spades.
Father, I woke up 4.30 am. Menses finally came after a week delay. It is understandable as I was faced with much stress over Z's wedding. It is over and I m now going with the flow.
This morning I woke up 4.30 am. Did 5 cycles of Surya kriya. It was a lovely practice and I went in deep. Both feet touches the ground a few times. I m feeling something for breathe fluttering posture. Towards the end, laughter escaped.
Did a quick Shavasana as I was not tired. Breathing was good, just watching my breathe and going with the flow.
Shakti was great and I went in deep from the breathing. Even the 4252 for Kapala Bhakti was also good. Somehow I can do it the right way.
Shambavi was good.
Towards the end, a peaceful silence descends. All clearing been done. I also cut my hair yesterday.
I feel renewed today.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They need to make a choice; personal, ego-centred life vs impersonal dedication to humanity. When they choose to focus on personal life, they lose; when they choose impersonal dedication to humanitarian causes, they win - and the personal life they always longed for is magically added!
Soul
Mmm, Isha volunteering is with me. I even need to lead most times. I used to resent being a Sathsang guide but I accepted my role.
Last week volunteer meeting was small and cosy. It is not the quantity but quality that matters. For the first time I understand "putting others above ourself"; providing voluntary services for others.
Father, as I read this I can't help thinking Z is so far away from his North Node in Aquarius. The glimmer of good I saw in him was actually in me. I am much more reflective of North node in Aquarius than Z. The main part Z fulfils is the need for more and more to seek approval from others and resulted in him spending beyond his means. Now I know why I skipped it.
What I love was the possibility of him and what got me hooked was our physical connection and my fear of abandonment. I tot our communication was good but alas it was proven wrong by the ending. I can't ask and he can't tell. So, no true communication.
He was truly my mirror.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
These folks may have tough time hearing feedback in a constructive way, but they are learning to see the larger view.
For example, if they write children's stories, they first find out which publishers are interested in what kind of story. If they receive rejection slip, they should find out what the publisher needs and tailor their creative product to fit.
Moreover, they are recognising that they can't take credit for their ideas anyway, because none of them are truly "theirs"! New Age, innovative ideas are floating in the air, and Aquarius north nodes' gift is their "antenna" are tuned to the right frequency to pick them up.
Recognising this release their fears of both success and failure, because their ideas really have nothing to do with them personally. Their job is simply to "pick up" the idea and transmit them to others.
Soul
Exactly. I have fears of both success and failure.
So, this further reaffirm my path of keeping my part time corporate job to provide financial security and my website is my services to humanity. And I am just a "compiler" and "applicator" of ideas. I shared because I needed the release. So win win situation. Even if no one ever reads, I still need to share for my own release. Amen.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
These folks have access to inner knowledge that helps free people. This, when their intention is to empower others, the motive is so clear that the necessary Ideas just "come through" - intuitively, or from other people.
Soul
I always know I m a good filter and applicator and part of me wish that others have access to the knowledge that I have gathered. I want to help others save time, accelerate their inner journey.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Life is like a boomerang. When they use their creative energy to help others, whatever they need comes back to help them.
There is great power for these folks in altruism. When the ego is not involved and they are not personally invested in the results, its easy for them to be creatively involved. Self-gain will be a natural product. The Universe keeps filling them up because they're passing on the benefits of their creative energy to others.
Soul
My Jupiter is Nine of Hearts and my Cosmic Reward is Nine of Diamonds. My Venus is Three of Spades. My Neptune is Queen of Spades. All points to me compiling and sharing my inner journey via website.
I finally overcome my Saturn in Seven of Clubs and Cosmic Lesson of Seven of Spades.
7thunders Destiny's Result for 2012/2013
Jun 23 eve 1
2012/2013 Destiny's Result
Nine of Diamonds
U will be less attached to values or money and will have a broadened perspective that gives u more freedom and less concern than ever before.
U will learn and master the art of finances by the true knowledge of the nature if prosperity - that it follows a cycle that goes in and out and that only by flowing with it can we have peace of mind.
Soul
Going with the flow. Me, finally can do breast stroke swimming style, that I can't do for the past fifteen years. Looks like I finally go with the flow.
This is what I let go:
1. Fear of losing my corporate career
2. Fear of Sadhguru
3. Fear of Dhynalinga
4. Fear of not having enough money
5. Fear of water
6. Fear of losing peer validation
7. Fear of losing my food.
8. Fear of being abandon by Z.
2012/2013 Destiny's Result
Nine of Diamonds
In reality, Nine of Diamonds represents the end of a certain thing that we once valued and accumulated. It is a graduation from one level of values to the next. If we can learn to let go, we can experience a feeling of freedom and exhilaration as we move to the next level in our personal development.
Endings are only disappointment to those who are not conscious of what is really going on in their life and who have no faith in life or love.
Soul
I am no longer resisting. I m going with the flow. What a year of turmoil, a year of growth and change. So many things happen. I faced it with the help from Father via Sadhguru and Masters and Astrology.
I truly needed the rejuvenation program to cleanse off and to prepare me for new year.
The timing is great. If I had waited a week for Sadhguru's schedule I would have delayed trip to ashram to September. But now I m going in July, exactly the timing of Z's wedding. So, everything is flowing perfectly.
Learning Faith.
2012/2013 Ruling's Result
Jack of Clubs
U will achieve much more creativity and success in mental field. This could mean success as a writer of some kind.
In the process u may be transformed by exposure to new forms of communication or information that advances ur thinking into the current age of advanced technology.
Soul
Now blog has a daily view of 60 or more. Can even reach to 120. My new website will be launched by next birthday.
Learning natal chart has truly open up myself.
Now checking my cards
I have Ace, Threes, Fives, Sevens and Nines in my Queen of Diamonds spread. My first tot was not an easy smooth life, many beginnings and endings. Second tot was I lived with many growths.
Jupiter in Nine of Hearts
Saturn in Seven of Clubs (overcome pessimism)
Pluto in Jack of Clubs (writing)
Cosmic Reward in Nine of Diamonds (letting go)
Cosmic Lesson in Seven of Spades (having faith)
Uranus in Five of Diamonds (unexpected change)
Neptune in Queen of Spades (dream of Self Mastery)
Father, I did the best. I lived thru my cards positively. I have come a long way to what I m today. The cycle is complete. Nothing will faze me anymore.
2012/2013 Destiny's Result
Nine of Diamonds
U will be less attached to values or money and will have a broadened perspective that gives u more freedom and less concern than ever before.
U will learn and master the art of finances by the true knowledge of the nature if prosperity - that it follows a cycle that goes in and out and that only by flowing with it can we have peace of mind.
Soul
Going with the flow. Me, finally can do breast stroke swimming style, that I can't do for the past fifteen years. Looks like I finally go with the flow.
This is what I let go:
1. Fear of losing my corporate career
2. Fear of Sadhguru
3. Fear of Dhynalinga
4. Fear of not having enough money
5. Fear of water
6. Fear of losing peer validation
7. Fear of losing my food.
8. Fear of being abandon by Z.
2012/2013 Destiny's Result
Nine of Diamonds
In reality, Nine of Diamonds represents the end of a certain thing that we once valued and accumulated. It is a graduation from one level of values to the next. If we can learn to let go, we can experience a feeling of freedom and exhilaration as we move to the next level in our personal development.
Endings are only disappointment to those who are not conscious of what is really going on in their life and who have no faith in life or love.
Soul
I am no longer resisting. I m going with the flow. What a year of turmoil, a year of growth and change. So many things happen. I faced it with the help from Father via Sadhguru and Masters and Astrology.
I truly needed the rejuvenation program to cleanse off and to prepare me for new year.
The timing is great. If I had waited a week for Sadhguru's schedule I would have delayed trip to ashram to September. But now I m going in July, exactly the timing of Z's wedding. So, everything is flowing perfectly.
Learning Faith.
2012/2013 Ruling's Result
Jack of Clubs
U will achieve much more creativity and success in mental field. This could mean success as a writer of some kind.
In the process u may be transformed by exposure to new forms of communication or information that advances ur thinking into the current age of advanced technology.
Soul
Now blog has a daily view of 60 or more. Can even reach to 120. My new website will be launched by next birthday.
Learning natal chart has truly open up myself.
Now checking my cards
I have Ace, Threes, Fives, Sevens and Nines in my Queen of Diamonds spread. My first tot was not an easy smooth life, many beginnings and endings. Second tot was I lived with many growths.
Jupiter in Nine of Hearts
Saturn in Seven of Clubs (overcome pessimism)
Pluto in Jack of Clubs (writing)
Cosmic Reward in Nine of Diamonds (letting go)
Cosmic Lesson in Seven of Spades (having faith)
Uranus in Five of Diamonds (unexpected change)
Neptune in Queen of Spades (dream of Self Mastery)
Father, I did the best. I lived thru my cards positively. I have come a long way to what I m today. The cycle is complete. Nothing will faze me anymore.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
North Node in 11th house (Aquarius) - approval is like food
Jun 23 eve
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are well equipped to use their powerful will in this lifetime - to keep the ego from feeding them counterproductive tots. For example, when things don't go their way, these folks tends to blame themselves or others for the outcome and become very frustrated. This is the time to stop the bombardment of negative tots and remind themselves; "I don't know what ought to be". That tot, summoned at key moments, stop their runaway will and brings them peace.
Soul
This what I have been doing recently. I can now see the tots, see if it is true and then waive them off if necessary.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Affirmations are excellent in helping them break free from negative tots;"I am filled with loving kindness. Love permeates my being".
Soul
Last week I got the realisation my True Love is within and I be my best friend.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They can also work to free themselves from ego entrapment by ceasing to judge and compare themselves with other people.
They need to learn that whatever a person is striving to become a president of the country, earn a college degree or make enough money to feed the family, the struggle is the same. They need to look beyond external appearances and realise that we all share the same struggle, they will relax and feel equal to others again.
Soul
Yea, if I don't compare I m fine. I m learning to appreciate what I have and knowing that I m the best I can be.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Approval is like food for them. Conversely their fear of disapproval may be so enormous that they avoid sharing their true feelings or opinions.
Soul
I used to. In work I can express better but no in rship. But now I learn to express.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They have had too many lifetimes of being centre stage star and having constant public attention, so in this incarnation part of them resists being in that position. Fear of not playing their role correctly and inviting disapproval is a great emotional risk, and now they are generally not rewarded when they take "star" position.
If they can't avoid being the center, their best bet is to shift the focus to something outside themselves. If he wins approval for his principled or projects rather than seeking it only for himself, his enthusiasm becomes boundless and he has tremendous creative power.
Soul
My Saturn in Aries and Pluto in Virgo.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
In this incarnation they are here to share unconventional knowledge and they may not always get approval because they are voicing something new. People seldom accept new knowledge easily because it takes time to see its value, come into alignment and integrate with it. These folks must be willing to risk disapproval in voicing their innovative ideas.
When they sees themselves as channels for knowledge to flow through, it frees them enormously because they don't have to be "right". It also frees them from the vulnerability of needing approval from others.
When they realise they are just "picking up" free-floating ideas and bringing them through, then whether other people approve or not isn't a factor.
Soul
Yea. That's the mode for my website.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Personal validation.
Soul
This fits Z to a tee. For me the validation is hidden. It affect my emotion and at times I suppress my negative expression.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
As soon as they allow themselves to think of personal loss, all the energy of accomplishment begins to dissipate and they end up doing nothing
Soul
I used to do that loads before I met Z. I learned from him not to think of price to pay first in order to grow.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They are well equipped to use their powerful will in this lifetime - to keep the ego from feeding them counterproductive tots. For example, when things don't go their way, these folks tends to blame themselves or others for the outcome and become very frustrated. This is the time to stop the bombardment of negative tots and remind themselves; "I don't know what ought to be". That tot, summoned at key moments, stop their runaway will and brings them peace.
Soul
This what I have been doing recently. I can now see the tots, see if it is true and then waive them off if necessary.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Affirmations are excellent in helping them break free from negative tots;"I am filled with loving kindness. Love permeates my being".
Soul
Last week I got the realisation my True Love is within and I be my best friend.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They can also work to free themselves from ego entrapment by ceasing to judge and compare themselves with other people.
They need to learn that whatever a person is striving to become a president of the country, earn a college degree or make enough money to feed the family, the struggle is the same. They need to look beyond external appearances and realise that we all share the same struggle, they will relax and feel equal to others again.
Soul
Yea, if I don't compare I m fine. I m learning to appreciate what I have and knowing that I m the best I can be.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Approval is like food for them. Conversely their fear of disapproval may be so enormous that they avoid sharing their true feelings or opinions.
Soul
I used to. In work I can express better but no in rship. But now I learn to express.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They have had too many lifetimes of being centre stage star and having constant public attention, so in this incarnation part of them resists being in that position. Fear of not playing their role correctly and inviting disapproval is a great emotional risk, and now they are generally not rewarded when they take "star" position.
If they can't avoid being the center, their best bet is to shift the focus to something outside themselves. If he wins approval for his principled or projects rather than seeking it only for himself, his enthusiasm becomes boundless and he has tremendous creative power.
Soul
My Saturn in Aries and Pluto in Virgo.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
In this incarnation they are here to share unconventional knowledge and they may not always get approval because they are voicing something new. People seldom accept new knowledge easily because it takes time to see its value, come into alignment and integrate with it. These folks must be willing to risk disapproval in voicing their innovative ideas.
When they sees themselves as channels for knowledge to flow through, it frees them enormously because they don't have to be "right". It also frees them from the vulnerability of needing approval from others.
When they realise they are just "picking up" free-floating ideas and bringing them through, then whether other people approve or not isn't a factor.
Soul
Yea. That's the mode for my website.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Personal validation.
Soul
This fits Z to a tee. For me the validation is hidden. It affect my emotion and at times I suppress my negative expression.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
As soon as they allow themselves to think of personal loss, all the energy of accomplishment begins to dissipate and they end up doing nothing
Soul
I used to do that loads before I met Z. I learned from him not to think of price to pay first in order to grow.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
North Node in 11th House - to regain group awareness
Jun 23 aft
Just woke up from afternoon nap. There were a few intermittent tots of Z. I just looked at it, knowing it is past. The future is unknown.
I woke up with a love song in my head
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They hate to lose when they take risks. Even in playing a simple card game or gambling with low stakes, when money is involved these folks are not "good sports".
Soul
I know I only do things if the stake of winning is high. True that I don't want to lose.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
One of the lessons they are learning is that "life" happens to everyone. But from past incarnation of being Very Important People, these folks are outraged when they are treated like everyone else - they are naive and spoiled.
Soul
That's why I couldn't believe it when Z went on avoidance mode and arranged marriage without discussing with me. I tot we had a open communication. But not true cos I don't ask and he don't tell.
And I didn't like to lead volunteers cos the chances of wins are low.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They have spent so many lifetimes building ego, determination and personal will that they lost their group awareness. Thus in this in incarnation they need to intentionally expand their thinking to include the individual need of others. Their will must be focused on promoting the general good in order to be supported by others. Problems arise when they try to control every step of how their dreams are manifested. If they try to control the process, frustration results. What they want us valid; but they are learning to release attachment to how it comes about.
(When I do what's best for everyone involved, I win)
Soul
Yea, age 42 to 48, Nine of Hearts. Cosmic Reward is Nine of Hearts.
Yea, me and my control issue.
I tot Z and I are meant to be and I was willing to compromise my values. Alas, it is not meant to be.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They have innate confidence in their power to overcome life's obstacles. Perhaps that's why they have resilience and are able to bounce back from catastrophes with a happy heart and a spirit that is willing to go on the next adventure. They accurately appraise their talents and needs and then set about creating positive solutions. They don't seek security through conventional means - they depends on their own wits to ensure their destiny.
Soul
True for me.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
In past lives, these folks did everything on their own, and this one reason why they are so wilful. They push until the desired objective is obtained or until the resistance is so great that they simply have to give up
Soul
I gave full commitment to Z, I persevere until alas Z left on his own.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
When they finally do let go of something that isn't working, they see a higher answer for why the situation didnt work out as they wanted. The Angels and their own intuition will show them the larger picture.
(I don't know what 'ought' to be)
Soul
Yea, my values and Z differs. I was lifted as I was uncertain about my values and was about to compromise it. And the timing was perfect as just when I myself wanted to let go.
I can now go forward on my destiny of Self mastery.
Now practising The Now whenever tots of Z came.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Their primary lesson is to transform their over active ego into a vehicle for furthering the evolution of humankind. To rein in the ego requires a spiritual connection and strong self discipline. They simply must not allow themselves to indulge in petty, negative emotional states. Those patterns of thinking feed their ego and hurt their hearts.
Soul
Father, thank u for my will to persevere to my dreams. Thank u for my low tolerance level to my pain. Thank u for my sensitivity that causes my receptivity. Thank u for my perceptibility.
Just woke up from afternoon nap. There were a few intermittent tots of Z. I just looked at it, knowing it is past. The future is unknown.
I woke up with a love song in my head
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They hate to lose when they take risks. Even in playing a simple card game or gambling with low stakes, when money is involved these folks are not "good sports".
Soul
I know I only do things if the stake of winning is high. True that I don't want to lose.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
One of the lessons they are learning is that "life" happens to everyone. But from past incarnation of being Very Important People, these folks are outraged when they are treated like everyone else - they are naive and spoiled.
Soul
That's why I couldn't believe it when Z went on avoidance mode and arranged marriage without discussing with me. I tot we had a open communication. But not true cos I don't ask and he don't tell.
And I didn't like to lead volunteers cos the chances of wins are low.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They have spent so many lifetimes building ego, determination and personal will that they lost their group awareness. Thus in this in incarnation they need to intentionally expand their thinking to include the individual need of others. Their will must be focused on promoting the general good in order to be supported by others. Problems arise when they try to control every step of how their dreams are manifested. If they try to control the process, frustration results. What they want us valid; but they are learning to release attachment to how it comes about.
(When I do what's best for everyone involved, I win)
Soul
Yea, age 42 to 48, Nine of Hearts. Cosmic Reward is Nine of Hearts.
Yea, me and my control issue.
I tot Z and I are meant to be and I was willing to compromise my values. Alas, it is not meant to be.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
They have innate confidence in their power to overcome life's obstacles. Perhaps that's why they have resilience and are able to bounce back from catastrophes with a happy heart and a spirit that is willing to go on the next adventure. They accurately appraise their talents and needs and then set about creating positive solutions. They don't seek security through conventional means - they depends on their own wits to ensure their destiny.
Soul
True for me.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
In past lives, these folks did everything on their own, and this one reason why they are so wilful. They push until the desired objective is obtained or until the resistance is so great that they simply have to give up
Soul
I gave full commitment to Z, I persevere until alas Z left on his own.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
When they finally do let go of something that isn't working, they see a higher answer for why the situation didnt work out as they wanted. The Angels and their own intuition will show them the larger picture.
(I don't know what 'ought' to be)
Soul
Yea, my values and Z differs. I was lifted as I was uncertain about my values and was about to compromise it. And the timing was perfect as just when I myself wanted to let go.
I can now go forward on my destiny of Self mastery.
Now practising The Now whenever tots of Z came.
North node in 11th house (Aquarius)
Their primary lesson is to transform their over active ego into a vehicle for furthering the evolution of humankind. To rein in the ego requires a spiritual connection and strong self discipline. They simply must not allow themselves to indulge in petty, negative emotional states. Those patterns of thinking feed their ego and hurt their hearts.
Soul
Father, thank u for my will to persevere to my dreams. Thank u for my low tolerance level to my pain. Thank u for my sensitivity that causes my receptivity. Thank u for my perceptibility.
Absorbing the energy from the trees
Jun 23
Slept around 1 am yesterday but woke up before alarm at 6.40 am. Went for my morning walk.
Despite the haze, the air in the park is fine. I thank the trees for keeping the air clean.
It was quite an effortless walk. I just absorbed the energy from the trees. They look good and strong and the grasses are so green and alive.
There were intermittent tots of past and I brought myself back to the trees. It is such a lovely experience to be able to receive from nature. Amen.
This is my Osho card today
Experiencing
Hug a tree and one day u will come to know that u hugged the trees but that tree also responds, the trees also hugs u. Then for the first time u know that the tree is not just the form, it is unknown God - so green in ur courtyard, so full of flowers, so close to u, beckoning u, calling u again and again.
Experiencing is the feeling of wonder itself, the thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us.
Soul
Lovely. I m back. I can even dance now.
I am also thankful that I m receptive to water. They too are lovely.
Slept around 1 am yesterday but woke up before alarm at 6.40 am. Went for my morning walk.
Despite the haze, the air in the park is fine. I thank the trees for keeping the air clean.
It was quite an effortless walk. I just absorbed the energy from the trees. They look good and strong and the grasses are so green and alive.
There were intermittent tots of past and I brought myself back to the trees. It is such a lovely experience to be able to receive from nature. Amen.
This is my Osho card today
Experiencing
Hug a tree and one day u will come to know that u hugged the trees but that tree also responds, the trees also hugs u. Then for the first time u know that the tree is not just the form, it is unknown God - so green in ur courtyard, so full of flowers, so close to u, beckoning u, calling u again and again.
Experiencing is the feeling of wonder itself, the thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us.
Soul
Lovely. I m back. I can even dance now.
I am also thankful that I m receptive to water. They too are lovely.
Things that I never tot can happen five years ago, now has happened after Isha
Jun 22 eve 1
Father, just watched Sadhguru's video. What a powerful experience, its like a Sathsang with him.
I m thankful that I m receptive to my Guru.
I just wrote down that I want to go Kailash and immediately fear came up, u cannot walk.
My reply, not sure.
I tot I can't do plough back but I did.
I tot I can't do meditation but I did.
I tot I can't wake up 4.30 am but I did.
I tot I can't receive Dhynalinga but I did.
I tot I can't receive Sadhguru but I did.
I tot I can't drop my career but I did.
I tot I can't have 3 days work but I did.
I also tot I can't drop food, but I did.
I tot I can't swim breast stroke but I did.
I tot I can't open up to Z but i did.
I tot i cannot release Z but its over.
So many things that I tot not possible 5 years ago has all happens. At least I can learn not to say no.
Father, just watched Sadhguru's video. What a powerful experience, its like a Sathsang with him.
I m thankful that I m receptive to my Guru.
I just wrote down that I want to go Kailash and immediately fear came up, u cannot walk.
My reply, not sure.
I tot I can't do plough back but I did.
I tot I can't do meditation but I did.
I tot I can't wake up 4.30 am but I did.
I tot I can't receive Dhynalinga but I did.
I tot I can't receive Sadhguru but I did.
I tot I can't drop my career but I did.
I tot I can't have 3 days work but I did.
I also tot I can't drop food, but I did.
I tot I can't swim breast stroke but I did.
I tot I can't open up to Z but i did.
I tot i cannot release Z but its over.
So many things that I tot not possible 5 years ago has all happens. At least I can learn not to say no.
Auto immune disorder - my mind creates attacking guilt
Jun 22 eve
A few hours of peace from tots of Z. Then suddenly a tot came in, trying to create guilt over me causing the break up in mid Sept. I looked at the tots and said this is Past. And besides if Z has no guilt over this, why should I even feel guilty?
But what strikes me was that the mind tries to create guilt.
I seems to have loads of unnecessary guilt. I am always envious of people who don't have guilt of hurting others, of causing unnecessary breakdown in communication. I want to find out how to go beyond my past, how to stop myself against unnecessary self attack.
Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Auto immune disorder
U need to ask about how u have become an enemy to yourself, and/or to what extent u allow others to influence u, in denial of ur own tots or feelings. These questions are not easy to answer as they demand honesty.
Soul
Father, a year ago I would say I can't relate. But now I can see I am truly not good to myself.
No wonder it was said in Natal Chart that I was easily influenced. I couldn't relate but now I can.
Rheumatoid Arthritis
How have u become ur own enemy?
Are u dismissing those feelings in ur heart as unimportant?
Are u destroying yourself with guilt or shame?
Do u have a tendency to undermine urself through criticism or lack of self respect?
Soul
Loads of self attack. On the surface, I seems to be self protect. In truth, I m self attack. No wonder I carry a burden in me.
No wonder own immune system attacking myself.
Father, no more. I no longer want to attack myself, no longer wants to cause myself pain.
I take responsibility for my mental, emotional and physical health.
Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Auto immune
Immune defense mechanism is to identify and destroy foreign substances, the immune cells have to be able to distinguish between what is harmful and what is harmless.
This is the ability to discriminate between what is u and what is not u. It is reflected in ur ability to determine ur own tots and feelings as opposed to adopting those of someone else.
When u believe another more than u believe in urself, u r giving away ur sense of individuality and surrendering ur power. This makes u vulnerable and liable to be affected or infected by someone or something outside urself.
In Rheumatoid Arthritis, the ability to differentiate becomes so confused that the self appears as non-self.
Soul
Ruling Card's Ace of Diamonds - learning from Eight of Diamonds to become Queen of Diamonds.
My north node in Taurus is to find and strengthen my values. To find and maintain what makes me happy.
My north node in 11th house is to stop seeking validation from others. To seek my path and stay on it regardless of what others think.
Father, on the surface I seems sure. I think I m sure when it comes to food and my work. That's why P said I got ego in food and work and none in others.
But on interpersonal relationship I m not, worst case is romantic relationship.
No wonder I was given some Parental mode to show me actually how affected I was, how vulnerable and lacking of confidence. I remember my breakthrough when I woke up and said parental people are not gospel truth.
Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid Arthritis
The most important is finding ur heart and expressing it, sharing ur love and in this way become ur own best friend.
Soul
My true love is within me. I will be my own best friend. That's exactly what M is doing. Despite what the world may think, she thinks otherwise and uplift herself. She is her own best friend.
Guess that's what I was envious of.
Father, I have all that she wants to emulate and yet I didn't uplift myself. I will now do so.
Amen.
A few hours of peace from tots of Z. Then suddenly a tot came in, trying to create guilt over me causing the break up in mid Sept. I looked at the tots and said this is Past. And besides if Z has no guilt over this, why should I even feel guilty?
But what strikes me was that the mind tries to create guilt.
I seems to have loads of unnecessary guilt. I am always envious of people who don't have guilt of hurting others, of causing unnecessary breakdown in communication. I want to find out how to go beyond my past, how to stop myself against unnecessary self attack.
Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Auto immune disorder
U need to ask about how u have become an enemy to yourself, and/or to what extent u allow others to influence u, in denial of ur own tots or feelings. These questions are not easy to answer as they demand honesty.
Soul
Father, a year ago I would say I can't relate. But now I can see I am truly not good to myself.
No wonder it was said in Natal Chart that I was easily influenced. I couldn't relate but now I can.
Rheumatoid Arthritis
How have u become ur own enemy?
Are u dismissing those feelings in ur heart as unimportant?
Are u destroying yourself with guilt or shame?
Do u have a tendency to undermine urself through criticism or lack of self respect?
Soul
Loads of self attack. On the surface, I seems to be self protect. In truth, I m self attack. No wonder I carry a burden in me.
No wonder own immune system attacking myself.
Father, no more. I no longer want to attack myself, no longer wants to cause myself pain.
I take responsibility for my mental, emotional and physical health.
Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Auto immune
Immune defense mechanism is to identify and destroy foreign substances, the immune cells have to be able to distinguish between what is harmful and what is harmless.
This is the ability to discriminate between what is u and what is not u. It is reflected in ur ability to determine ur own tots and feelings as opposed to adopting those of someone else.
When u believe another more than u believe in urself, u r giving away ur sense of individuality and surrendering ur power. This makes u vulnerable and liable to be affected or infected by someone or something outside urself.
In Rheumatoid Arthritis, the ability to differentiate becomes so confused that the self appears as non-self.
Soul
Ruling Card's Ace of Diamonds - learning from Eight of Diamonds to become Queen of Diamonds.
My north node in Taurus is to find and strengthen my values. To find and maintain what makes me happy.
My north node in 11th house is to stop seeking validation from others. To seek my path and stay on it regardless of what others think.
Father, on the surface I seems sure. I think I m sure when it comes to food and my work. That's why P said I got ego in food and work and none in others.
But on interpersonal relationship I m not, worst case is romantic relationship.
No wonder I was given some Parental mode to show me actually how affected I was, how vulnerable and lacking of confidence. I remember my breakthrough when I woke up and said parental people are not gospel truth.
Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid Arthritis
The most important is finding ur heart and expressing it, sharing ur love and in this way become ur own best friend.
Soul
My true love is within me. I will be my own best friend. That's exactly what M is doing. Despite what the world may think, she thinks otherwise and uplift herself. She is her own best friend.
Guess that's what I was envious of.
Father, I have all that she wants to emulate and yet I didn't uplift myself. I will now do so.
Amen.
Going with the flow - finally good without Z
Jun 22
Woke up 7.25 am. Did my opening and guru pooja followed by one cycle of Surya kriya. Just that one cycle and I knew I was already in. Shakti was a different experience abd i was truly in. Kapala Bhakti was amazing. I did only one rest and yet my feet were not as cramp as per norm. Then came Shambavi. It was great.
At the end, suddenly I cried with grief, that it is all over; I am alone, Z is gone. I cried and tears fell. Afterwards silence. And then followed by some singing. Towards the closing prayer I suddenly laugh and I said Z is gone and I laugh even harder. I laughed for quite a long while. Then I knew I m finally good without Z.
Went for my swim. It was lovely. I swam a few rounds of breast stroke. I was able to swim without stopping halfway. I was laughing loads and even singing at some point. It's been two weeks since I got into the pool. The water is great. Father, as I was swimming I suddenly realised I truly can breathe under water and my body like the relaxing breast stroke instead of fast paced free style.
I have been going on my life on fast pace. I recalled I got the realisation go with the flow doing free style a few years back. And now go with the flow with breast stroke.
A tot came; all my life was going against my natural body flow.
My last story was sometimes in March 2013. Then I was busy with Isha event for April and May. In June now, the final peaceful ending with Z. I just wrote two stories on the ending. What a beautiful finale. My journey continues.
I felt good release after writing my two stories. I truly write for myself. Today didnt take nap, which rarely happens.
Woke up 7.25 am. Did my opening and guru pooja followed by one cycle of Surya kriya. Just that one cycle and I knew I was already in. Shakti was a different experience abd i was truly in. Kapala Bhakti was amazing. I did only one rest and yet my feet were not as cramp as per norm. Then came Shambavi. It was great.
At the end, suddenly I cried with grief, that it is all over; I am alone, Z is gone. I cried and tears fell. Afterwards silence. And then followed by some singing. Towards the closing prayer I suddenly laugh and I said Z is gone and I laugh even harder. I laughed for quite a long while. Then I knew I m finally good without Z.
Went for my swim. It was lovely. I swam a few rounds of breast stroke. I was able to swim without stopping halfway. I was laughing loads and even singing at some point. It's been two weeks since I got into the pool. The water is great. Father, as I was swimming I suddenly realised I truly can breathe under water and my body like the relaxing breast stroke instead of fast paced free style.
I have been going on my life on fast pace. I recalled I got the realisation go with the flow doing free style a few years back. And now go with the flow with breast stroke.
A tot came; all my life was going against my natural body flow.
My last story was sometimes in March 2013. Then I was busy with Isha event for April and May. In June now, the final peaceful ending with Z. I just wrote two stories on the ending. What a beautiful finale. My journey continues.
I felt good release after writing my two stories. I truly write for myself. Today didnt take nap, which rarely happens.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Looking at my illness
Jun 21 eve
Children completes Z and thats why it is a compulsion for him. The choice of partner is irrelevant. Just like I tot a partner completes me. But I m not sure now. I know my true love is within.
Just had a good volunteer meeting. It was small but cosy.
Met a few potential independent volunteers.
Father, thank U. On the way back, mind had some negative tots on C but I let it be. It is the past. I have reaffirmed my commitment to Isha. It will be part of my life. People can come and go, I no longer hold them to what they say they will do but don't do. I no longer rely upon them. I will do what is needed.
Father, yea, Z didn't abandon me. I must be the first few that he sent the wedding invite. I checked with friends, they don't know about his wedding.
Anyway, it is no longer important. I make my peace. I found my true love within me. Amen.
Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Unshed tears will find their way into the nose, whether they are due to sadness, guilt or frustration. It may also imply that u have gone emotionally cold or being cold to ur feelings. It is also where there is too much happening at once and u need to shut off for awhile.
Soul
Yea, when Z told me he was getting married end Dec last year, I had a bad cold. And now this final confirmation of his wedding cause me to have cough instead. Or it could be due to me feeling overwhelmed with leadership on Isha. It has recovered but still some coughing of phlegm.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Dry skin implies withdrawal of emotion, a holding back so u do not have to deal with communication or feeling.
Oily skin implies excess of emotion - often passionate or angry ones - that are not finding release.
Soul
Uncanny true as my skin is dry.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Itching
When something is causing ur skin to itch, then either someone or something is scratching ur surface, rubbing u the wrong way or really getting to u and bugging u; or something inside u is itching to get free, to break out of familiar or restrictive old patterns.
Soul
As I was reading this, the last part "something inside u is itching to get free, to break out of familiar or restrictive old patterns" seems to click.
The itchiness and spot growth on my lower part of face is hormonal due to skin inflammation.
But I also tot it could be a discharge as it arise about one month after I went into seafood menu. And I finally learned my Cosmic lesson. And I found out my mind is living on time if both past and future on extrapolated past and my true love is within me.
Something inside is changing. Something inside wants to come out.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis
The body mind symptoms indicate there may be repressed anger.
Soul
Alas I can finally see it. Even when I was rightfully angry and assert my feeling; there is a guilty part. That I should not do it.
Now I know I repressed my anger because fear of losing validation; fear of losing my image of emotional stable person.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis
Lacking assertiveness and feeling inhibited, find urself unable to express yourself in the way u really want to.
Soul
Father, I truly fear to express my feeling. No wonder it gets blows up.
Yea, I tend to block it. I can be assertive in work as I felt I was "fighting for others" and not me. In work I m confident but outside work I m not.
I m envious of those "bitches" that can express their emotion without fear of losing validation.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis
Do u have a tendency to undermine urself through criticism.
Soul
I tot am not good enough and can't share yet. Here I see M, who has very surface knowledge and yet can claim to be knowledgeable and dare to "teach" others. I was dismayed at her and I was worried cos she is getting the knowledge from me. She may be teaching the wrong thing.
Mmm, now nearly 12 am and I m still alert. Guess its because of the energy field of meditators.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Movement is essential, especially going with the flow and allowing change to happen. Life is movement, so the more stuck u r, the more lifeless u may become. However, most important is finding ur heart and expressing it, sharing ur love, and in this way becoming ur own best friend.
Soul
Yes. I just found out that my true love is within me. And the love songs that I sang during my practices is about the joining of my own heart, my inner love.
For the first time in my life. I feel safe. I feel loved. Even if no one in the world loves me; I love myself. I am amazing, courageous woman.
Sadhguru
How deep is ur suffering u feel now is how far u are away from the Truth.
Soul
Amen.
Father, my mind is falsely giving me illusion of past and extrapolated past projected as future.
As long as I believe them, I will suffer.
I m ready to walk away from my mind now. Just like I walked away from food.
Children completes Z and thats why it is a compulsion for him. The choice of partner is irrelevant. Just like I tot a partner completes me. But I m not sure now. I know my true love is within.
Just had a good volunteer meeting. It was small but cosy.
Met a few potential independent volunteers.
Father, thank U. On the way back, mind had some negative tots on C but I let it be. It is the past. I have reaffirmed my commitment to Isha. It will be part of my life. People can come and go, I no longer hold them to what they say they will do but don't do. I no longer rely upon them. I will do what is needed.
Father, yea, Z didn't abandon me. I must be the first few that he sent the wedding invite. I checked with friends, they don't know about his wedding.
Anyway, it is no longer important. I make my peace. I found my true love within me. Amen.
Your body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Unshed tears will find their way into the nose, whether they are due to sadness, guilt or frustration. It may also imply that u have gone emotionally cold or being cold to ur feelings. It is also where there is too much happening at once and u need to shut off for awhile.
Soul
Yea, when Z told me he was getting married end Dec last year, I had a bad cold. And now this final confirmation of his wedding cause me to have cough instead. Or it could be due to me feeling overwhelmed with leadership on Isha. It has recovered but still some coughing of phlegm.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Dry skin implies withdrawal of emotion, a holding back so u do not have to deal with communication or feeling.
Oily skin implies excess of emotion - often passionate or angry ones - that are not finding release.
Soul
Uncanny true as my skin is dry.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Itching
When something is causing ur skin to itch, then either someone or something is scratching ur surface, rubbing u the wrong way or really getting to u and bugging u; or something inside u is itching to get free, to break out of familiar or restrictive old patterns.
Soul
As I was reading this, the last part "something inside u is itching to get free, to break out of familiar or restrictive old patterns" seems to click.
The itchiness and spot growth on my lower part of face is hormonal due to skin inflammation.
But I also tot it could be a discharge as it arise about one month after I went into seafood menu. And I finally learned my Cosmic lesson. And I found out my mind is living on time if both past and future on extrapolated past and my true love is within me.
Something inside is changing. Something inside wants to come out.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis
The body mind symptoms indicate there may be repressed anger.
Soul
Alas I can finally see it. Even when I was rightfully angry and assert my feeling; there is a guilty part. That I should not do it.
Now I know I repressed my anger because fear of losing validation; fear of losing my image of emotional stable person.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis
Lacking assertiveness and feeling inhibited, find urself unable to express yourself in the way u really want to.
Soul
Father, I truly fear to express my feeling. No wonder it gets blows up.
Yea, I tend to block it. I can be assertive in work as I felt I was "fighting for others" and not me. In work I m confident but outside work I m not.
I m envious of those "bitches" that can express their emotion without fear of losing validation.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis
Do u have a tendency to undermine urself through criticism.
Soul
I tot am not good enough and can't share yet. Here I see M, who has very surface knowledge and yet can claim to be knowledgeable and dare to "teach" others. I was dismayed at her and I was worried cos she is getting the knowledge from me. She may be teaching the wrong thing.
Mmm, now nearly 12 am and I m still alert. Guess its because of the energy field of meditators.
Ur body speaks ur mind - Deb Shapiro
Movement is essential, especially going with the flow and allowing change to happen. Life is movement, so the more stuck u r, the more lifeless u may become. However, most important is finding ur heart and expressing it, sharing ur love, and in this way becoming ur own best friend.
Soul
Yes. I just found out that my true love is within me. And the love songs that I sang during my practices is about the joining of my own heart, my inner love.
For the first time in my life. I feel safe. I feel loved. Even if no one in the world loves me; I love myself. I am amazing, courageous woman.
Sadhguru
How deep is ur suffering u feel now is how far u are away from the Truth.
Soul
Amen.
Father, my mind is falsely giving me illusion of past and extrapolated past projected as future.
As long as I believe them, I will suffer.
I m ready to walk away from my mind now. Just like I walked away from food.
My True Love is within me
Jun 21
My true love is within.
Woke up 7 am to alarm but snooze bit cos just want to savour my time freedom. Finally woke up 7.20 am to do my practices.
Surya kriya was amazing. I m now able to breathe comfortably on standing back bending posture. Looks like my lungs open up. I also can do breathe fluttering. Both my feet can touch the ground.
Shakti was great as now I m really into Kapala Bhakti, only rested once and full focus even during the last postures. Of course my legs were stiff. Towards the end I started to laugh. I contained myself before I start Shambavi. Love songs start to come in my mind and a sentence came, "true love is within". I just let it be and continue with my practices. Lovely Suka kriya, so peaceful. Explosive aum chanting as my head was shaking furiously, i was laughing and lovely towards the end. In the end, My mouth suddenly open and cried put loud for two times and then silence. After awhile suddenly a realisation came; my true love is within me and I start to sing "looking for love in the wrong places". Then I was crying loads, deep tears from within. I finally found my heart, my love is within. I laugh thereafter. And then just a sweet silence. Plough back was great.
Father, thank You.
When I was doing my practices some attacking tots of Z came in and I just brush it off and the wave of tot disappeared. Father, my mind truly is in time; past and future of extrapolated past.
A calmness descend on me. Just came back from dentist. When he was cleaning and drilling my teeth, my eyes was closed and I went into a peaceful meditation. Once my eyes is closed, I m in my inner space. Some pain is there but not so pain and hence I feel refreshed after the "teeth scaling session".
Nine of Spades
Universal Giver card.
This is one of death card and indeed there will be a death in ur life of some kind. We go through mini deaths just like the snake shedding its skin, arrive at a new and better place each time we do so. It cleared away all unwanted and useless debris in our life and put us back on a new course where we are more enlivened and satisfied.
Soul
My true love is within me. No more searching for love. Those love songs erupted from me is for me to look within. Amen.
My true love is within.
Woke up 7 am to alarm but snooze bit cos just want to savour my time freedom. Finally woke up 7.20 am to do my practices.
Surya kriya was amazing. I m now able to breathe comfortably on standing back bending posture. Looks like my lungs open up. I also can do breathe fluttering. Both my feet can touch the ground.
Shakti was great as now I m really into Kapala Bhakti, only rested once and full focus even during the last postures. Of course my legs were stiff. Towards the end I started to laugh. I contained myself before I start Shambavi. Love songs start to come in my mind and a sentence came, "true love is within". I just let it be and continue with my practices. Lovely Suka kriya, so peaceful. Explosive aum chanting as my head was shaking furiously, i was laughing and lovely towards the end. In the end, My mouth suddenly open and cried put loud for two times and then silence. After awhile suddenly a realisation came; my true love is within me and I start to sing "looking for love in the wrong places". Then I was crying loads, deep tears from within. I finally found my heart, my love is within. I laugh thereafter. And then just a sweet silence. Plough back was great.
Father, thank You.
When I was doing my practices some attacking tots of Z came in and I just brush it off and the wave of tot disappeared. Father, my mind truly is in time; past and future of extrapolated past.
A calmness descend on me. Just came back from dentist. When he was cleaning and drilling my teeth, my eyes was closed and I went into a peaceful meditation. Once my eyes is closed, I m in my inner space. Some pain is there but not so pain and hence I feel refreshed after the "teeth scaling session".
Nine of Spades
Universal Giver card.
This is one of death card and indeed there will be a death in ur life of some kind. We go through mini deaths just like the snake shedding its skin, arrive at a new and better place each time we do so. It cleared away all unwanted and useless debris in our life and put us back on a new course where we are more enlivened and satisfied.
Soul
My true love is within me. No more searching for love. Those love songs erupted from me is for me to look within. Amen.
Peaceful moment with Now
Jun 20 eve
Just back from dinner with S. she looks good. I m happy for her.
She asked me to get another partner to replace Z. I said not now, I just want to savour my freedom; my aloneness. Feels great.
Father, thank U. Today is a peaceful day. No flying tots on Z and even if it comes, it a peaceful tot. Amen.
Thanks for saving me.
The Power of Now
Once u have disidentified from ur mind, whether u are right or wrong makes no difference to ur sense of self at all, so the forcefully compulsive and deeply unconscious need to be right will no longer be there. U can state clearly and firmly how u feel or what u think, but there will no longer be aggressiveness or defensiveness about it. Ur sense of self is then derived from a deeper and truer place within urself, not from the mind.
Power over others is weakness disguised as strength. True power is within and it is available to u right now.
Soul
Amen.
The Power of Now
Another aspect of the emotional pain that is an intrinsic part of the egoic mind is a deep seated sense of lack or incompleteness, of not being whole, it manifests as the unsettling and constant feeling of not being worthy or good enough. If it is unconscious, it will only be felt indirectly as intense craving, wanting and needing. In either case, people will often enter into a compulsive pursuit of ego-gratification and things to identify in order to fill this hole they feel within. So, they strive after possessions, money, success, power, recognition or a special relationship, basically so that they feel better about themselves, feel more complete. But even when they attain all these things, they soon find that the hole is still there, that it is bottomless.
Soul
When I last read this in 2010 and later 2011, I didn't know how bad a case I have. Alas I m aware of now of my need for validation from peers and of having a partner.
The Power of Now
Death is a stripping of all that is not you. The secret of life is to "die before u die" - and find that there is no death.
Soul
I tot I died if I accept Sadhguru, but I didn't.
I tot I died without meat. Alas, I didn't.
I tot I died if I swim breast stroke, I didn't
I tot I died if I lose my career, I didn't
I tot I die if I lose Z, I didn't.
Father, the last six month without Z has been real growth path for me.
The Power of Now
The mind in itself is not dysfunctional. It is a wonderful tool. Dysfunction sets in when u seek urself in it and mistake it for who u are. It then becomes the egoic mind and takes over ur whole life.
Soul
Yea, my mind is not me. I know I m something beyond my mind. At the moment the experience is during practices but it is slowly coming out into open.
The Power of Now
Time and mind are inseparable. Remove time from the mind and it stops - unless you choose to use it.
To be identified with ur mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. This creates an endless preoccupation with the past and future and unwillingness to honor and acknowledge the present moment and allow it to be. The compulsion arise because the past gives u an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfilment in whatever form. Both are illusions.
Now is the only point that can take u beyond the limited confines of the mind. It is ur only point of access into the timeless and formless realm of Being.
Soul
True. Father, I now know future is unknown and mind can only extrapolate what it know based on past. And it's extrapolation is not real.
I just want to be in the present with my body.
Just back from dinner with S. she looks good. I m happy for her.
She asked me to get another partner to replace Z. I said not now, I just want to savour my freedom; my aloneness. Feels great.
Father, thank U. Today is a peaceful day. No flying tots on Z and even if it comes, it a peaceful tot. Amen.
Thanks for saving me.
The Power of Now
Once u have disidentified from ur mind, whether u are right or wrong makes no difference to ur sense of self at all, so the forcefully compulsive and deeply unconscious need to be right will no longer be there. U can state clearly and firmly how u feel or what u think, but there will no longer be aggressiveness or defensiveness about it. Ur sense of self is then derived from a deeper and truer place within urself, not from the mind.
Power over others is weakness disguised as strength. True power is within and it is available to u right now.
Soul
Amen.
The Power of Now
Another aspect of the emotional pain that is an intrinsic part of the egoic mind is a deep seated sense of lack or incompleteness, of not being whole, it manifests as the unsettling and constant feeling of not being worthy or good enough. If it is unconscious, it will only be felt indirectly as intense craving, wanting and needing. In either case, people will often enter into a compulsive pursuit of ego-gratification and things to identify in order to fill this hole they feel within. So, they strive after possessions, money, success, power, recognition or a special relationship, basically so that they feel better about themselves, feel more complete. But even when they attain all these things, they soon find that the hole is still there, that it is bottomless.
Soul
When I last read this in 2010 and later 2011, I didn't know how bad a case I have. Alas I m aware of now of my need for validation from peers and of having a partner.
The Power of Now
Death is a stripping of all that is not you. The secret of life is to "die before u die" - and find that there is no death.
Soul
I tot I died if I accept Sadhguru, but I didn't.
I tot I died without meat. Alas, I didn't.
I tot I died if I swim breast stroke, I didn't
I tot I died if I lose my career, I didn't
I tot I die if I lose Z, I didn't.
Father, the last six month without Z has been real growth path for me.
The Power of Now
The mind in itself is not dysfunctional. It is a wonderful tool. Dysfunction sets in when u seek urself in it and mistake it for who u are. It then becomes the egoic mind and takes over ur whole life.
Soul
Yea, my mind is not me. I know I m something beyond my mind. At the moment the experience is during practices but it is slowly coming out into open.
The Power of Now
Time and mind are inseparable. Remove time from the mind and it stops - unless you choose to use it.
To be identified with ur mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. This creates an endless preoccupation with the past and future and unwillingness to honor and acknowledge the present moment and allow it to be. The compulsion arise because the past gives u an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfilment in whatever form. Both are illusions.
Now is the only point that can take u beyond the limited confines of the mind. It is ur only point of access into the timeless and formless realm of Being.
Soul
True. Father, I now know future is unknown and mind can only extrapolate what it know based on past. And it's extrapolation is not real.
I just want to be in the present with my body.
Peaceful moment
Jun 20 aft
Father, after the peace truce on Z, there were no attacking tots on Z or myself. Amen
Louis Hays
Balancing slogan for imbalance immune system.
1. I love and respect my body.
2. I move easily with the changes in my life
3. I honor my personal vision
4. I am kind to myself
5. I am calm
6. I am supported.
Breathing deeply into my body, I calmly remember my destiny and know that all is well.
Now saw this msg from my blog dated Jan 19, 2010.
Intuitive wellness
Practice detachment
I urge u to let go the things to which u cling.
If u r meant to have something or someone in ur life, they will not leave u. People, objects and situations are woven like the threads of a fabric; the nature of the weaving will determine whether it holds or not. You can mend and patch, but if a tear is meant to be, it will happen. So be at peace with the way people and objects weave through ur life.
When people practice detachment, they report feeling more joy, freedom and balance. That's because with greater detachment, u create the space for life's synchronicities to enter ur journey and more fully tune in to ur innate wisdom.
Soul
A perfect message after my peace with Z.
Daily intuitive wellness
Enlightenment is achieved by working in a disciplined manner on ur spirit-led path. This is not an easy task, but it is an important one, because ur daily spiritual practice is ur connection to what is true about ur life.
The truth that comes from innate wisdom deep within u is the centering device that will assist u in maintaining balance in ur Being.
I have heard it said "Enlightenment is easy, keeping it is difficult"
In order to successfully develop ur intuition for daily wellness and abundance, give ur practice and intention priority in ur daily schedule.
Soul
Exactly, since I was not strong in my values, Z has to leave
Now that he has left, I am reaffirmed on my spiritual practices. It keep me sane. It helps me to feel safe in this world of uncertainty. Perhaps it is because I am safe that I can now swim breast stroke. Amen
Intuitive wellness
Your eternal soul flows like a river throughout eternity. When left unrestrained, it will follow its own natural impulses, drifting and rushing toward the ocean of wisdom, the one true source.
Do not restrict ur consciousness wit negative tots or emotions, or u will stagnate. Allow the pure, living waters of ur soul and consciousness to refresh urself and others.
Allow ur soul, mind and body to flow into wellness, enlightenment and peace.
The rewards; hearing ur body messages, sensing the energy moving through ur personal energy system, resolving emotional and physical pain and developing trust and confidence in ur own innate wisdom.
Inner healing is indeed within ur grasp and the time is to embrace it now.
Soul
Yeap, thats why I make my peace with Z. It is for me and not him.
7thunders
Self mastery is a mastery of our world through self-awareness. We can struggle and struggle to make money without success for a lifetime. Or, if we realise just how our inner fear of poverty is affecting us each day, we could completely remove the effects of this fear from our lives and become wealthy beyond imagination without any struggle or effort on our part.
This is only one example of how self-mastery works. Instead of trying to change the circumstances of our life on an exterior level, such as who we are in rship with, what kind of a job we would do, or where we live, we go right to the source and magically change our lives without doing anything.
The Queen of spades teaches us that we only need to stay aware of ourselves in order to master the Universe.
Soul
This is a perfect reminder of my 52 days Neptune in Queen of Spades and lifetime dream of Self Mastery
It is was my fear of abandonment that clings on to Z.
Once I realised that he didn't abandoned me; his leaving has to do with our difference in values. I was able to release myself and make peace with him.
Father, after the peace truce on Z, there were no attacking tots on Z or myself. Amen
Louis Hays
Balancing slogan for imbalance immune system.
1. I love and respect my body.
2. I move easily with the changes in my life
3. I honor my personal vision
4. I am kind to myself
5. I am calm
6. I am supported.
Breathing deeply into my body, I calmly remember my destiny and know that all is well.
Now saw this msg from my blog dated Jan 19, 2010.
Intuitive wellness
Practice detachment
I urge u to let go the things to which u cling.
If u r meant to have something or someone in ur life, they will not leave u. People, objects and situations are woven like the threads of a fabric; the nature of the weaving will determine whether it holds or not. You can mend and patch, but if a tear is meant to be, it will happen. So be at peace with the way people and objects weave through ur life.
When people practice detachment, they report feeling more joy, freedom and balance. That's because with greater detachment, u create the space for life's synchronicities to enter ur journey and more fully tune in to ur innate wisdom.
Soul
A perfect message after my peace with Z.
Daily intuitive wellness
Enlightenment is achieved by working in a disciplined manner on ur spirit-led path. This is not an easy task, but it is an important one, because ur daily spiritual practice is ur connection to what is true about ur life.
The truth that comes from innate wisdom deep within u is the centering device that will assist u in maintaining balance in ur Being.
I have heard it said "Enlightenment is easy, keeping it is difficult"
In order to successfully develop ur intuition for daily wellness and abundance, give ur practice and intention priority in ur daily schedule.
Soul
Exactly, since I was not strong in my values, Z has to leave
Now that he has left, I am reaffirmed on my spiritual practices. It keep me sane. It helps me to feel safe in this world of uncertainty. Perhaps it is because I am safe that I can now swim breast stroke. Amen
Intuitive wellness
Your eternal soul flows like a river throughout eternity. When left unrestrained, it will follow its own natural impulses, drifting and rushing toward the ocean of wisdom, the one true source.
Do not restrict ur consciousness wit negative tots or emotions, or u will stagnate. Allow the pure, living waters of ur soul and consciousness to refresh urself and others.
Allow ur soul, mind and body to flow into wellness, enlightenment and peace.
The rewards; hearing ur body messages, sensing the energy moving through ur personal energy system, resolving emotional and physical pain and developing trust and confidence in ur own innate wisdom.
Inner healing is indeed within ur grasp and the time is to embrace it now.
Soul
Yeap, thats why I make my peace with Z. It is for me and not him.
7thunders
Self mastery is a mastery of our world through self-awareness. We can struggle and struggle to make money without success for a lifetime. Or, if we realise just how our inner fear of poverty is affecting us each day, we could completely remove the effects of this fear from our lives and become wealthy beyond imagination without any struggle or effort on our part.
This is only one example of how self-mastery works. Instead of trying to change the circumstances of our life on an exterior level, such as who we are in rship with, what kind of a job we would do, or where we live, we go right to the source and magically change our lives without doing anything.
The Queen of spades teaches us that we only need to stay aware of ourselves in order to master the Universe.
Soul
This is a perfect reminder of my 52 days Neptune in Queen of Spades and lifetime dream of Self Mastery
It is was my fear of abandonment that clings on to Z.
Once I realised that he didn't abandoned me; his leaving has to do with our difference in values. I was able to release myself and make peace with him.
Peaceful ending with Z
Jun 20 morning
As I got into my car, laughter erupted and I was laughing and crying for a long period. The tears are for gratitude that I finally found my release. I m saved. I m on track once more.
Osho
The Source
Zazen means just sitting at the very source, not moving anywhere, a tremendous force arises, a transformation of energy into light and love, into greater life, into compassion, into creativity.
The source is pure energy within each of us, like a personal individual sun giving us life and nourishment. Pure energy, ready to give us anything we need to accomplish something and ready to welcome us back home when we want to rest.
Soul
Amen. I m back.
Two of Diamond
This encourage us to develop rships that are mutually beneficial between ourselves. The most success comes when we adopt a win-win attitude towards all our business dealings.
Soul
Father, I did it. I cleared the air. I feel lifted and can release him with peace now.
My msg to him.
I have calmed down. Thanks for ur wedding invitation but I can't join. I wish u and ur wife all the best. May you and ur wife have all the children u wanted.
He replied with an immediate thanks. I counter by saying if miracle happens in ashram, I will attend. He asked me to take care.
Father, feels good. Finally released. Thank you for ur loving guidance. Tears came. A sense of relief. He is truly gone and we wish each other well.
As I got into my car, laughter erupted and I was laughing and crying for a long period. The tears are for gratitude that I finally found my release. I m saved. I m on track once more.
Osho
The Source
Zazen means just sitting at the very source, not moving anywhere, a tremendous force arises, a transformation of energy into light and love, into greater life, into compassion, into creativity.
The source is pure energy within each of us, like a personal individual sun giving us life and nourishment. Pure energy, ready to give us anything we need to accomplish something and ready to welcome us back home when we want to rest.
Soul
Amen. I m back.
Two of Diamond
This encourage us to develop rships that are mutually beneficial between ourselves. The most success comes when we adopt a win-win attitude towards all our business dealings.
Soul
Father, I did it. I cleared the air. I feel lifted and can release him with peace now.
My msg to him.
I have calmed down. Thanks for ur wedding invitation but I can't join. I wish u and ur wife all the best. May you and ur wife have all the children u wanted.
He replied with an immediate thanks. I counter by saying if miracle happens in ashram, I will attend. He asked me to take care.
Father, feels good. Finally released. Thank you for ur loving guidance. Tears came. A sense of relief. He is truly gone and we wish each other well.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Releasing my past abandoment issue via Z
Jun 20
Alternative view on Z.
Didn't sleep well cos was coughing. Woke up at 4.30 am upon alarm. A tot came, if I m with Z, I won't have the discipline for my practices.
Body is fine. I did one cycle of Surya kriya followed by hata yoga, it was quite good, more flexible despite some skip these last two weeks. Surya kriya really helps. Did a quick Shavasana as body was not tired. Breathing was ok.
Shakti was great. I really got into Kapala Bhakti and only rested once. The ending was not great cos legs were cramped and I can't focus. Shambavi was fine. The ending a peaceful sweet silence. I sat for a long while savouring the sweetness. After closing invocation I said my prayer of thanks to Father, Sadhguru, Masters, Vijii and myself.
During my Shakti, a tot came, let me forgive myself for the long pining over Z. For being unaware that Z had moved on. A tot came, there were many break ups and reconciliation between you guys. So, u tot this break up is temporary as Z needed time.
Let me forgive him for his mishandling of our ending. He was never a communicator; so can't expect him to end well like A did.
I need to get him out of my system. Need to write a letter to Z but no need to sent. I want to release him from me. In truth I m relieved I need not go through a life with him. His values are different from mine. His dream is relationship and family. My dream is self mastery.
When I was in my silence mode, a tot came Z didn't abandon me. He invited me to his wedding dinner not because of show off but I m his group of close friends.
Father, we are both the same. I didn't dare to ask and he didn't dare to tell and vice versa.
After my break up with him in mid September I was still undecided on him and he make his own plans. When we caught up in December, we continue to chat as friends. I didn't ask his status and he didn't share. Only in late December after my trip to ashram I gained the courage to ask and by then he already accepted to the arranged marriage. Our friendship is real; it is not a fake. He didn't abandon me.
Father, not sure if I m on right track but at least I m able to forgive myself and Z. For the first time I accepted the ending in peace.
Father, I may be 'blinded' by my love for him and pine for him for so long; holding on unnecessarily when Z had moved on. But perhaps the blind period is necessary for me to discover myself deeper and able to accept the final ending with Z and knowing I m not abandoned; that I m lovable.
1. The issue
A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. Even if u r cheated and deceived and robbed, let it happen, because that which is really yours nobody can steal from u. And each time u don't allow situation to corrupt u, that opportunity will become an integration inside.
This card indicates that if u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the "rightness" of things, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear foolish to others or even to urself, if u try to analyse them with a rational mind. But the "zero" place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
Tot of asking Z, "was the wedding invite real or he is just taking the easy way out to inform me of his marriage. And who else in Isha that he invited".
Father. I know what this message meant. Thorough out I wanted to maintain a good ending. I overcome my fear to be his friend even after the brutal break up in late Dec last year. That's why I can't let the ending be on bad taste. He may leave a bad taste but doesn't mean I got to follow suit. I m not saying I will be his friend now or future but at least it ended well. Whatever it is, he was the tool that helps me to open up my fear of physical and emotional intimacy.
I am loving and that's who I m irrespective of whether Z is loving or not.
2. Internal influence
Innocence.
If u drop all that is given by others, u will have a totally different quality to ur being: innocence. This will be a crucifixion of the personality, and there will be a resurrection of ur innocence. U will become a child again, reborn.
There is a sense of grace surrounding him, as if he is at home in himself and with what life has brought. The pink flowers cascading around him represent a time of letting go, relaxation and sweetness. They are a response to his presence, a reflection of his own qualities. The innocence that comes from a deep experience of life is childlike but not childish.
Soul
Yea. I now understand this. Fathe, I feel anew.
3. External influence.
Trust
Don't waste ur life for that which is going to be taken away. Trust life. If u trust, only then u can drop knowledge, only then u can put ur mind aside. And with trust, something immense opens up.
That which can be taken away is not worth keeping, and that which cannot be taken away. ... Why should one be afraid of its being taken away? U cannot lose ur real treasure.
Just jump, with hardly a tot for what happens next. The leap is the thing and the thrill of it as we free-fall through the empty sky.
Soul
Z is gone. Z is not me. My valuation is intact.
I can't say I m not relieved that my Cosmic lesson is over, that I need not spend my life in financial insecurity and reduced practices and self contemplation time.
4. What is needed for resolution?
The Dream
We come alone and we go alone. All togetherness is illusory. The very idea of togetherness arises because we are alone and the aloneness hurts. We want to drown our aloneness in relationship. That's why we become so much involved in love. The source is that u r afraid of ur aloneness
Nobody, whether it is ur current mate or some dreamed of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver ur happiness on a platter - not could they even if they wanted to.
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.
5. Resolution
Rebirth
Everything passes by u; ur consciousness reflects it but does not get identified. Ur consciousness is only a mirror. Neither do u come, nor do u go. Things come and go.
It is a time of growth and change. Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being.
Alternative view on Z.
Didn't sleep well cos was coughing. Woke up at 4.30 am upon alarm. A tot came, if I m with Z, I won't have the discipline for my practices.
Body is fine. I did one cycle of Surya kriya followed by hata yoga, it was quite good, more flexible despite some skip these last two weeks. Surya kriya really helps. Did a quick Shavasana as body was not tired. Breathing was ok.
Shakti was great. I really got into Kapala Bhakti and only rested once. The ending was not great cos legs were cramped and I can't focus. Shambavi was fine. The ending a peaceful sweet silence. I sat for a long while savouring the sweetness. After closing invocation I said my prayer of thanks to Father, Sadhguru, Masters, Vijii and myself.
During my Shakti, a tot came, let me forgive myself for the long pining over Z. For being unaware that Z had moved on. A tot came, there were many break ups and reconciliation between you guys. So, u tot this break up is temporary as Z needed time.
Let me forgive him for his mishandling of our ending. He was never a communicator; so can't expect him to end well like A did.
I need to get him out of my system. Need to write a letter to Z but no need to sent. I want to release him from me. In truth I m relieved I need not go through a life with him. His values are different from mine. His dream is relationship and family. My dream is self mastery.
When I was in my silence mode, a tot came Z didn't abandon me. He invited me to his wedding dinner not because of show off but I m his group of close friends.
Father, we are both the same. I didn't dare to ask and he didn't dare to tell and vice versa.
After my break up with him in mid September I was still undecided on him and he make his own plans. When we caught up in December, we continue to chat as friends. I didn't ask his status and he didn't share. Only in late December after my trip to ashram I gained the courage to ask and by then he already accepted to the arranged marriage. Our friendship is real; it is not a fake. He didn't abandon me.
Father, not sure if I m on right track but at least I m able to forgive myself and Z. For the first time I accepted the ending in peace.
Father, I may be 'blinded' by my love for him and pine for him for so long; holding on unnecessarily when Z had moved on. But perhaps the blind period is necessary for me to discover myself deeper and able to accept the final ending with Z and knowing I m not abandoned; that I m lovable.
1. The issue
A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. Even if u r cheated and deceived and robbed, let it happen, because that which is really yours nobody can steal from u. And each time u don't allow situation to corrupt u, that opportunity will become an integration inside.
This card indicates that if u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the "rightness" of things, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear foolish to others or even to urself, if u try to analyse them with a rational mind. But the "zero" place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
Tot of asking Z, "was the wedding invite real or he is just taking the easy way out to inform me of his marriage. And who else in Isha that he invited".
Father. I know what this message meant. Thorough out I wanted to maintain a good ending. I overcome my fear to be his friend even after the brutal break up in late Dec last year. That's why I can't let the ending be on bad taste. He may leave a bad taste but doesn't mean I got to follow suit. I m not saying I will be his friend now or future but at least it ended well. Whatever it is, he was the tool that helps me to open up my fear of physical and emotional intimacy.
I am loving and that's who I m irrespective of whether Z is loving or not.
2. Internal influence
Innocence.
If u drop all that is given by others, u will have a totally different quality to ur being: innocence. This will be a crucifixion of the personality, and there will be a resurrection of ur innocence. U will become a child again, reborn.
There is a sense of grace surrounding him, as if he is at home in himself and with what life has brought. The pink flowers cascading around him represent a time of letting go, relaxation and sweetness. They are a response to his presence, a reflection of his own qualities. The innocence that comes from a deep experience of life is childlike but not childish.
Soul
Yea. I now understand this. Fathe, I feel anew.
3. External influence.
Trust
Don't waste ur life for that which is going to be taken away. Trust life. If u trust, only then u can drop knowledge, only then u can put ur mind aside. And with trust, something immense opens up.
That which can be taken away is not worth keeping, and that which cannot be taken away. ... Why should one be afraid of its being taken away? U cannot lose ur real treasure.
Just jump, with hardly a tot for what happens next. The leap is the thing and the thrill of it as we free-fall through the empty sky.
Soul
Z is gone. Z is not me. My valuation is intact.
I can't say I m not relieved that my Cosmic lesson is over, that I need not spend my life in financial insecurity and reduced practices and self contemplation time.
4. What is needed for resolution?
The Dream
We come alone and we go alone. All togetherness is illusory. The very idea of togetherness arises because we are alone and the aloneness hurts. We want to drown our aloneness in relationship. That's why we become so much involved in love. The source is that u r afraid of ur aloneness
Nobody, whether it is ur current mate or some dreamed of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver ur happiness on a platter - not could they even if they wanted to.
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.
5. Resolution
Rebirth
Everything passes by u; ur consciousness reflects it but does not get identified. Ur consciousness is only a mirror. Neither do u come, nor do u go. Things come and go.
It is a time of growth and change. Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being.
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