Feb 20 Aft
Ekhart Tolle
Findhorn Retreat (DVD)
Compulsive striving for more to fulfill myself. More possessions, attaintment, recognition, relationships and etc.
Achieving "More" temporarily given u the feeling that u have now added urself into the universe, that u r special, that u achieved fullness of life.
There are 2 ways being unhappy
1. Getting what u want
2. Not getting what u want.
1. Getting what u want
Once people recognised me, I will arrive. At first it feels good. Then u realise u don't feel special after awhile. And u feel even worse as there is now no hope.
That sense of specialness - more than; better than. It worked through comparison.
We go through life; to strengthen the fiction of ourselves (story we give ourselves).
Some people who can't get the recognition, goes thru the victim identity instead. Their stories is that life is always unfair towards them. It gives them a specialness that they have suffering unlike others.
The mind is always afraid of losing its story. Only if the dream becomes unpleasant, then u will want to wake up. Otherwise, u continue with ur story.
Use ur awareness and see how the conceptual self act to survive, to protect themselves, to use others to make themselves feel better / fear them.
When u constantly complain about somebody or something that has no practical results, when u r constantly in conflict with the present moment; its means u r right, others are wrong and then u feel special.
U need something to happen, to become urself (Future). Or something had happened that prevent u to become urself (Past). U always live in the future or the past.
Ways that u can awaken
1. Physical illness can wake u up.
2. Connecting with animal can wake u up.
Animals, who are still rooted in being, are one with life. Animal does not have a conceptual identity, unlike human. With the animal, u can just be urself. U need not protect urself psychologically.
3. With nature, they r surrendered to life, one with life. When u watch them, u can also be present.
The more u r on ego, the more u have opinion about others. And at times u cannot even relate to animal.
A sense of self, which is always insufficient, always needing more, always needing someone / conflict / complaints to make urself be.
Relationship
Two sets of tots, they r not seeing each other. They r seeing the conceptual image of each other.
Each one both needing and fearing the other.
Ways to transform relationships:
Your relationship change because you don't demand that the other person should do something for u to enhance ur sense of self.
You don't compare urself with others or try to be more than someone else to add to ur sense of identity
You allow everyone to be as they are.
You don't need to change them; you don't need them to behave differently so that u can be happy.
The essence of specialness is the feeling of beingness. Beauty and specialness that is the essence of ur being.
The self that is identified in any form is an illusion. The essence of being incarnate in form. But u need to know that u r beyond form. To lose oneself, u suffer. U losing urself in some tot form. So everybody is looking for their essence of their being in the future, through having more.
The one place u can only find urself is the present moment. On the level of form, u can be temporarily more. U cannot to be more, as u r already complete.
To be who u r, u don't need time.
As long as u r identified with form, it is frustrating. U can never accumulate all the forms (health, finance, rship, work, living situation, etc.) u need at any point of time. Forms are never stable.
And hence u forever in a state of frustration.
U r demanding that the world of forms complete them, give them the sense of self. If it doesn't happen, u feel u r not complete.
The world cannot make me happy, even I achieved the forms that I think I need. Whatever forms u encountered in life cannot make u happy forever.
With the light of awareness, if u can see the impermanent nature of all forms, the fictitious nature of ur mind's story.
When u give up demanding, people, places or situation to make u happy. Then u allow the forms to be what they are. The forms is always is as they is.
Most human are in conflict with the isness of life either thru run away, complaining...
When u see the world cannot do for u, u stop demanding and u be with whatever is.
Drop the demand from the world, from situation, from people, from partner to satisfy u. Bring an inner alignment to Now. U do not internally separate urself from now. Whatever forms this moment takes, it all is as it is.
An enormous freedom comes when u drop the demand from world.
One step at a time. Nothing to do with form. The stillness arise because u allows the forms to be what they are. Just embrace it. It doesn't diminish ur ability to change whatever is required.
Then ur action is from a completely different energy field.
When u are alignment with what is, intelligence arise. Ur action is not to strengthen urself or diminish other; its win win.
Bring a yes to a present moment.
Accepting the present, also means accepting the past.
U can improve the forms, as long as u don't get identified with it. You can play with the world of forms, when u drop ur demands that it should make u happy.
Then wherever, whoever, whatsoever situations, persons will be quite satisfying. U have touched something within urself that is beyond ur tots of forms.
This requires a certain degree of presence to avoid being taken over by the ego.
The moment u become friendly with what is, no matter what forms it takes, everything become pleasant. And the forms will change anyway.
Soul
Is this effortless living.
Ekhart
Not to say yes to the story of ur life, eg accepting ur failures and etc.
Saying yes to the present moment only (takes u out of ur story), to break the continuity between past and future.
You step out of the story and feel the aliveness of ur presence.
Before u r dominated by time, use time instead. Experience the present.
When u r no longer dependent on the forms in ur life, ur stillness is. All the beauty, aliveness and joy is there even if the forms are crumbling.
U become intelligent when u have access to ur being. Ur stories will unfold more harmoniously because u no longer demand it to make u happy. You no longer depend on forms to define who u r, ur neediness is gone. Who u r comes out of ur stillness, ur aliveness.
U create problems by thinking.
The solution comes when u step out of tot, when u become stillness and alive.
Relationship
You don't demand the other do something for u
You don't compare with others
It is fine for everyone to be who they are.
Things not to do to ur partner, to people;
If u behave differently, I will be happy. In the meantime, I will be unhappy. I will show u my unhappiness.
Once u become one with nature. Nature will become helpful, to teach u to be still, to be alive.
If u can feel the stillness of trees, that's means u have the stillness.
Just be with nature. Firstly u see the form. Then u may notice the life form of urself.
The power of now - the sacred space.
Allow life to live freely through u so that it can flower. Flowering can take through form or its just a state of being/emanation of love.
Love is the recognition of the formless in another.
Soul
Father, thank U so much. I know I agreed to stay put. But mind is talking so much and I need a new approach. Alas I found hope of how to approach this.
I may say all that I want to deflate him and myself, but in the end I do want Z.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Facing my karma in relationship (35)
Feb 20
Father, had a good walk this morning. Followed with the big wet market, lovely time. Had a facial and light lunch.
I am not sure, but these days food no longer grabs me. I am fine with simple food. And my body also dictates what I eat. If I don't listen, it will just purge out.
Tot of Z, well I can see him for what he is. The good thing is that I no longer feel unlovable when he doesn't call as he said he would.
But I tot I deserved more. A few years ago I don't mind having such a relationship whereby both parties are freed up. But now I want a partner that is available. I want a companion, not a sideline. At least I now admit I am lonely. While I enjoy my aloneness, I wanted to have togetherness time.
Mmm, I tot I no longer feel unlovable. But I can see ego matching other pretty gals with Z. Anyway, I waived it aside.
Aiyah, let me just appreciate at least I am not projecting my need to him. I can see him not contacting as personal. I can see my jealousy. I can see all that. And we r meeting up, so let's see.
Father, had a good walk this morning. Followed with the big wet market, lovely time. Had a facial and light lunch.
I am not sure, but these days food no longer grabs me. I am fine with simple food. And my body also dictates what I eat. If I don't listen, it will just purge out.
Tot of Z, well I can see him for what he is. The good thing is that I no longer feel unlovable when he doesn't call as he said he would.
But I tot I deserved more. A few years ago I don't mind having such a relationship whereby both parties are freed up. But now I want a partner that is available. I want a companion, not a sideline. At least I now admit I am lonely. While I enjoy my aloneness, I wanted to have togetherness time.
Mmm, I tot I no longer feel unlovable. But I can see ego matching other pretty gals with Z. Anyway, I waived it aside.
Aiyah, let me just appreciate at least I am not projecting my need to him. I can see him not contacting as personal. I can see my jealousy. I can see all that. And we r meeting up, so let's see.
Facing my karma in relationship (34)
Feb 19 Eve
Still didn't call me. The thing is I am not surprised. I come to realised that he cannot multi task and when he is doing something, he does it to the exclusion of everything. When he said he is married, he focus just on family and ignore business. I think his focus is on his children and he forgot about the wife.
Now he is focused on the biz.
The good thing is I am no longer taking this personally. I don't see it as a personal rejection. Of cos, mind is saying he is seeing another gal. But somehow I know its not, which I don't know why.
For me, I am just wondering if this is the type of rship I want, an absent man.
A tot came, its this me finding excuse to run away.
Let me have another tot.
Transformation Cards
1. Your issues
Meditation
Do the small things of life with a relaxed awareness. Remain conscious and u r meditating. Then meditation is not separate from life.
Life is not a distraction, life is an occasion for meditation.
Pay attention, be careful and everything becomes spiritual. At the ultimate peak, everything is divine. This very world is the paradise and this very body the buddha.
Soul
Tot this to mean that I must be conscious in dealing with Z. If I am conscious, everything is divine. Yea, I already knew Z is my cosmic lesson and its meant as part of my lesson to fulfill my destiny. I have him in my prayer as he is here to help me to self-transform.
Mmm, a tot came. When I finally accepted my situation, it may turn around.
2. External influence that u r aware
Dropping knowledge
Truth is ur own experience, ur own vision. A truth becomes a lie if it enters ur being throught the wrong door. The truth has to enter through the front door, through the eyes. One has to see it.
Soul
Now I knew I project my need into them. That's why I have became an initiator. Now, no more.
3. Inner influences - Seed of transformation
Gates of heaven
Heaven and hell are geographical, they are psychological. They r here and now. It is a moment to moment question. Heaven and hell are within u. The doors are very close to each other. With just a change of ur mind, ur being is transformed.
Whenever u act unconsciously, without awareness, u r in hell
Whenever u act consciously, u r in heaven.
Soul
Noted. Now I no longer do the chasing. I am letting this see where he is.
He is who he is and I am who I am. He doesn't care for rship and I care too much. So, I have to be more conscious than him.
Now that I knew he is my lifetime cosmic lesson. I am taking this slowly.
4. Direction of growth
Renewal
The heritage of buddha
When there is no past, when there is no future, only then is there peace. Future means aspirations, achievements, goals, ambition, desire.
One has to be utterly present to the present, then there is peace. And out of that is renewal of life, because life knows only one time and that is the present.
In the present is the kingdom that is going to last forever, which cannot be conquered.
5. Key to integration
That which never dies - the grieving mother and the mustard seeds.
Before life disappears, us the opportunity to find out that which never dies.
Forget about the child. Initiate me into the art of meditation, so that I can go into the land, the space of immortality, where birth and death never happened.
Cutting the problem from the very roots.
Still didn't call me. The thing is I am not surprised. I come to realised that he cannot multi task and when he is doing something, he does it to the exclusion of everything. When he said he is married, he focus just on family and ignore business. I think his focus is on his children and he forgot about the wife.
Now he is focused on the biz.
The good thing is I am no longer taking this personally. I don't see it as a personal rejection. Of cos, mind is saying he is seeing another gal. But somehow I know its not, which I don't know why.
For me, I am just wondering if this is the type of rship I want, an absent man.
A tot came, its this me finding excuse to run away.
Let me have another tot.
Transformation Cards
1. Your issues
Meditation
Do the small things of life with a relaxed awareness. Remain conscious and u r meditating. Then meditation is not separate from life.
Life is not a distraction, life is an occasion for meditation.
Pay attention, be careful and everything becomes spiritual. At the ultimate peak, everything is divine. This very world is the paradise and this very body the buddha.
Soul
Tot this to mean that I must be conscious in dealing with Z. If I am conscious, everything is divine. Yea, I already knew Z is my cosmic lesson and its meant as part of my lesson to fulfill my destiny. I have him in my prayer as he is here to help me to self-transform.
Mmm, a tot came. When I finally accepted my situation, it may turn around.
2. External influence that u r aware
Dropping knowledge
Truth is ur own experience, ur own vision. A truth becomes a lie if it enters ur being throught the wrong door. The truth has to enter through the front door, through the eyes. One has to see it.
Soul
Now I knew I project my need into them. That's why I have became an initiator. Now, no more.
3. Inner influences - Seed of transformation
Gates of heaven
Heaven and hell are geographical, they are psychological. They r here and now. It is a moment to moment question. Heaven and hell are within u. The doors are very close to each other. With just a change of ur mind, ur being is transformed.
Whenever u act unconsciously, without awareness, u r in hell
Whenever u act consciously, u r in heaven.
Soul
Noted. Now I no longer do the chasing. I am letting this see where he is.
He is who he is and I am who I am. He doesn't care for rship and I care too much. So, I have to be more conscious than him.
Now that I knew he is my lifetime cosmic lesson. I am taking this slowly.
4. Direction of growth
Renewal
The heritage of buddha
When there is no past, when there is no future, only then is there peace. Future means aspirations, achievements, goals, ambition, desire.
One has to be utterly present to the present, then there is peace. And out of that is renewal of life, because life knows only one time and that is the present.
In the present is the kingdom that is going to last forever, which cannot be conquered.
5. Key to integration
That which never dies - the grieving mother and the mustard seeds.
Before life disappears, us the opportunity to find out that which never dies.
Forget about the child. Initiate me into the art of meditation, so that I can go into the land, the space of immortality, where birth and death never happened.
Cutting the problem from the very roots.
No safety in stagnation
Feb 19
Father, did my sharing of card with V's wife. I hope I shed some light to her.
On Z, I now know that his issue is balancing. He can focus only on one issue at a time.
Sadhguru
When u r in sathsang. U don't worry about what's happening with the rest of the world. You simply be where u have to be, focused on what u have to be. Then what has to happen will happen. What happens to somebody need not happen to u; but what has to happen to u will definitely happen; nobody can deny it to u. But u r so concerned about what's happening to somebody else that time goes waste; life goes waste.
Soul
I wonder if this can be applied in my relationship issue.
Sadhguru
There is no safety in stagnation. A seed is meaningful only for a certain span of time, but to remain a seed is stagnation. In stagnation, there is no safety. Seed is life, potential life and that's very important. But if u try to keep anything in a state of stagnation, for sure u will lose it. The only safety is to make it grow. The only safety is to make it sprout and prosper. Whether its ur body or ur mind or ur life, the only safety is in allowing it to grow, not in trying to preserve it.
But ur mind would speak otherwise. Ur mind would always say a seed is safe because generally its in a hard case and it looks more solid, more preservable. A plant out there is vulnerable.
Father, did my sharing of card with V's wife. I hope I shed some light to her.
On Z, I now know that his issue is balancing. He can focus only on one issue at a time.
Sadhguru
When u r in sathsang. U don't worry about what's happening with the rest of the world. You simply be where u have to be, focused on what u have to be. Then what has to happen will happen. What happens to somebody need not happen to u; but what has to happen to u will definitely happen; nobody can deny it to u. But u r so concerned about what's happening to somebody else that time goes waste; life goes waste.
Soul
I wonder if this can be applied in my relationship issue.
Sadhguru
There is no safety in stagnation. A seed is meaningful only for a certain span of time, but to remain a seed is stagnation. In stagnation, there is no safety. Seed is life, potential life and that's very important. But if u try to keep anything in a state of stagnation, for sure u will lose it. The only safety is to make it grow. The only safety is to make it sprout and prosper. Whether its ur body or ur mind or ur life, the only safety is in allowing it to grow, not in trying to preserve it.
But ur mind would speak otherwise. Ur mind would always say a seed is safe because generally its in a hard case and it looks more solid, more preservable. A plant out there is vulnerable.
Cosmic Lesson (14)
Feb 18 Eve
Father, a tot occurred to me. Since Z is my lifetime cosmic lesson, both spiritual and life, I might as well take it easy. Also, since it is cosmic, I should not accelerate it.
For the first time, I am willing to let him take the course. I don't know where is heading. I only know I need to stay put.
Seven of Heart is ur Pluto
Seven, being a spiritual number, promises success in love if u try a new approach and adopt a more selfless or unattached attitude. If we can allow others to be who they are and not place so many demands upon them, we not only become more aware of their true personalities, but also we allow ourselves the freedom to be just who we are and experience just how it feels to be free of fear and attachment. Many high spiritual experiences have occurred while a Seven was present.
Either friends, family or lovers will cause u to see areas where u hold expectations and attachment to others loving u in certain ways. At times, u may feel hurt or victimised by others, and u may be tempted to blame others for ur hurt feelings.
A deeper examination will reveal that u have set yourself up for those downfalls by placing unreasonable demands upon those you love and care for.
You will learn to rise above this level of attachment to a new way of being in a personal relationships that is more healthy and expansive than those in the past.
This means u have to face ur personal fears that have chained u to automatic reactions that are less than what u ultimately desire for urself. This will not always be an easy process. U may feel betrayed or even abandoned by others in the process.
This is a card of raising of 'love consciousness'. By contacting the higher forces within urself, u will emerge victorious.
Affirmation
I am learning how to experience unconditional love for others and in the process, I set myself free.
I create high spiritual and unattached love among those closest to me. I learn to release attachments and fears.
Soul
Here I tot I have done my lesson for the day. He msg me and we chatted for our date next week.
Father, a tot occurred to me. Since Z is my lifetime cosmic lesson, both spiritual and life, I might as well take it easy. Also, since it is cosmic, I should not accelerate it.
For the first time, I am willing to let him take the course. I don't know where is heading. I only know I need to stay put.
Seven of Heart is ur Pluto
Seven, being a spiritual number, promises success in love if u try a new approach and adopt a more selfless or unattached attitude. If we can allow others to be who they are and not place so many demands upon them, we not only become more aware of their true personalities, but also we allow ourselves the freedom to be just who we are and experience just how it feels to be free of fear and attachment. Many high spiritual experiences have occurred while a Seven was present.
Either friends, family or lovers will cause u to see areas where u hold expectations and attachment to others loving u in certain ways. At times, u may feel hurt or victimised by others, and u may be tempted to blame others for ur hurt feelings.
A deeper examination will reveal that u have set yourself up for those downfalls by placing unreasonable demands upon those you love and care for.
You will learn to rise above this level of attachment to a new way of being in a personal relationships that is more healthy and expansive than those in the past.
This means u have to face ur personal fears that have chained u to automatic reactions that are less than what u ultimately desire for urself. This will not always be an easy process. U may feel betrayed or even abandoned by others in the process.
This is a card of raising of 'love consciousness'. By contacting the higher forces within urself, u will emerge victorious.
Affirmation
I am learning how to experience unconditional love for others and in the process, I set myself free.
I create high spiritual and unattached love among those closest to me. I learn to release attachments and fears.
Soul
Here I tot I have done my lesson for the day. He msg me and we chatted for our date next week.
Facing my karma in relationship (33)
Feb 18 Aft
Father, Z is as complex as me. On the surface, both of us seems so simple and we have simple needs.
We faced and overcome many challenges to be where we are. Not sure about him, I am.
Surprisingly he just messaged me his pix 4 hours later after our last comm. I smilingly responded that he is worried I can't remember his face.
Mmm, a sign that I am in his tot, at least.
Father, the thing I also ponder. He is a rat zodiac, just like my dad. He is businessman, just like dad tries. Just like mom was more cultured than dad, comparatively I m more cultured than him. Mmmm, is there anything there??
Father, Z is as complex as me. On the surface, both of us seems so simple and we have simple needs.
We faced and overcome many challenges to be where we are. Not sure about him, I am.
Surprisingly he just messaged me his pix 4 hours later after our last comm. I smilingly responded that he is worried I can't remember his face.
Mmm, a sign that I am in his tot, at least.
Father, the thing I also ponder. He is a rat zodiac, just like my dad. He is businessman, just like dad tries. Just like mom was more cultured than dad, comparatively I m more cultured than him. Mmmm, is there anything there??
Cosmic Lesson (13) - motivation
Feb 18
Father, I contacted him. I realised I am happiest when I give. Its ironic, here I used to resent to give, but now I am fine. And who knows, he will replied back to me at nite.
Father, I have changed.
Like P said "The criteria is not how many days u can tahan but not to feel unlovable if he doesn't respond within ur expected time frame."
Yeap, my challenge is to feel lovable irrespective of the outer circumstances. Somehow its much easier to do so.
Surprisingly, he replied immediately and we exchanged couple of messages. Just at ease.
7thunder
If u truly want to become more conscious in ur life and have a life that contains more of the NOW and less of the past, future and pain body attacks, then the pain body activations that occur as stimulated by my partner present a unique and powerful opportunity to cut through the illusion that keeps me from being my true self.
To utilise this opportunity, I have to intervene, with awareness.
First of all, I have to be more aware of myself, my inner moods and state of mind/emotions. I need to know when a pain body attack is imminent.
How do we know we r being swept away by our own pain body? We know that because all our tots are focused on blaming our partner, thinking of ways to hurt them back, justifying our position or 'rightness', coming up with new tots or schemes to counter what they did to us.
So, we need to have the ability to stop our mind from going that extra step when we r activated.
Just sit there, be with the pain we r feeling from whatever our partner did and just be with that pain, without going into retribution, arguing, justification or other pain-body tots forms.
Ekhart Tolle
If we can just be with the pain that comes up in a situation, just shine our awareness upon it, we stop the pain body activation process and make room for miracles to happen in terms of our interaction with our beloved partner.
Soul
Thanks for the motivation. Whatever the outcome with Z, he is just a tool. I want to stay to face my cosmic lesson. Now I know what its meant by pain body.
7thunder
Knowledge is worthless unless it is somehow put into practical purpose or made real. I could not read any book that I can't practice.
I honor books and feels that it would be a dishonour to read a book and not practice it or make it real.
To realise something is to make it real. Another way of saying it is that to realise something is to have the direct experience of it. When people use the term, realised master, they are referring to someone who has truly come into the world, as it is, and fully accepted it in its true form. They are also referring to someone who has made his or her true self real.
Soul
Exactly how I feel. I am at times dismayed at how people just gather knowledge and sprout it. I am also bit disdain people who does that.
That's why now I am feeling bit off. I am not doing with my life. I am not really overcome my Cosmic lesson. And I have not do the dance or scuba that I wanted to.
Tot about it again. When there is music, I dance lah becos of joy. But to practice to dance is not my cup of tea. But scuba I m more keen.
Father, I contacted him. I realised I am happiest when I give. Its ironic, here I used to resent to give, but now I am fine. And who knows, he will replied back to me at nite.
Father, I have changed.
Like P said "The criteria is not how many days u can tahan but not to feel unlovable if he doesn't respond within ur expected time frame."
Yeap, my challenge is to feel lovable irrespective of the outer circumstances. Somehow its much easier to do so.
Surprisingly, he replied immediately and we exchanged couple of messages. Just at ease.
7thunder
If u truly want to become more conscious in ur life and have a life that contains more of the NOW and less of the past, future and pain body attacks, then the pain body activations that occur as stimulated by my partner present a unique and powerful opportunity to cut through the illusion that keeps me from being my true self.
To utilise this opportunity, I have to intervene, with awareness.
First of all, I have to be more aware of myself, my inner moods and state of mind/emotions. I need to know when a pain body attack is imminent.
How do we know we r being swept away by our own pain body? We know that because all our tots are focused on blaming our partner, thinking of ways to hurt them back, justifying our position or 'rightness', coming up with new tots or schemes to counter what they did to us.
So, we need to have the ability to stop our mind from going that extra step when we r activated.
Just sit there, be with the pain we r feeling from whatever our partner did and just be with that pain, without going into retribution, arguing, justification or other pain-body tots forms.
Ekhart Tolle
If we can just be with the pain that comes up in a situation, just shine our awareness upon it, we stop the pain body activation process and make room for miracles to happen in terms of our interaction with our beloved partner.
Soul
Thanks for the motivation. Whatever the outcome with Z, he is just a tool. I want to stay to face my cosmic lesson. Now I know what its meant by pain body.
7thunder
Knowledge is worthless unless it is somehow put into practical purpose or made real. I could not read any book that I can't practice.
I honor books and feels that it would be a dishonour to read a book and not practice it or make it real.
To realise something is to make it real. Another way of saying it is that to realise something is to have the direct experience of it. When people use the term, realised master, they are referring to someone who has truly come into the world, as it is, and fully accepted it in its true form. They are also referring to someone who has made his or her true self real.
Soul
Exactly how I feel. I am at times dismayed at how people just gather knowledge and sprout it. I am also bit disdain people who does that.
That's why now I am feeling bit off. I am not doing with my life. I am not really overcome my Cosmic lesson. And I have not do the dance or scuba that I wanted to.
Tot about it again. When there is music, I dance lah becos of joy. But to practice to dance is not my cup of tea. But scuba I m more keen.
Cosmic Lesson (12)
Feb 17 Eve
Father, I can feel the need coming in. Of course, start to project that he wants me to call. But this time I am not listening. Its just projection. He was projecting that I need a non commitment partner and I was projecting he wanted a commitment partner.
Like my song; if I can't have u, I don't want u baby.
Who knows, we both come to our senses. He know I don't want a non committed partner and I know he doesn't want a committed partner and we both walk away.
Aiyah. Let it be lah. I still want him but now its leaning towards need and hence I cannot call him.
Wah, can see the feeling of need going up. Feel bit constricted, bit breathless. Bit panicky, wanting to call him, like seeking shelter during swim. Feeling afraid that I won't be loved, as if he was the last chance. Needing him to prove my existence.
Mmm, now go to sleep. All in my head. I need not listen to my mind. This really require awareness and diligence to stick to my new path.
Father, I can feel the need coming in. Of course, start to project that he wants me to call. But this time I am not listening. Its just projection. He was projecting that I need a non commitment partner and I was projecting he wanted a commitment partner.
Like my song; if I can't have u, I don't want u baby.
Who knows, we both come to our senses. He know I don't want a non committed partner and I know he doesn't want a committed partner and we both walk away.
Aiyah. Let it be lah. I still want him but now its leaning towards need and hence I cannot call him.
Wah, can see the feeling of need going up. Feel bit constricted, bit breathless. Bit panicky, wanting to call him, like seeking shelter during swim. Feeling afraid that I won't be loved, as if he was the last chance. Needing him to prove my existence.
Mmm, now go to sleep. All in my head. I need not listen to my mind. This really require awareness and diligence to stick to my new path.
Cosmic Lesson (11)
Feb 17 Aft
Father, I am at ease. Just did shoonya, I am home.
Just now was sharing with a colleague that I cannot take big meal. I know I cannot take raw fish and chili. Stomach pained and follow up with purge.
I am happy with myself. I didn't have a need to contact Z. I still want him, but the need is gone. Somehow I think that if he wants me, the fact that I don't need him, won't 'kill off" the liking.
Previously, I always have to make the other party know how much I want them so as to keep their interest, to make them feel secure. Ah, now I know, it was what I wanted. If they made their feelings known to me, then I feel secure.
Actually Z didn't contact me and my liking for him is still there. I still want him.
Aiyoh, I gave them what I need and when they didn't respond in kind, I feel even more insecure. And then I would insist on a reply of the same and if no reply, I would force a closure.
So, I project my need to them.
Aiyoh, I did the same to Z when I gave him the mail. He didn't reply as he doesn't feel the same way as I do. I was feeling so bad for 2 days. Except this time, I gather my courage and I called him and I didn't blast at him And he was at his end but he really wanted to get to the root of it and we chat for 3 hours. But net net he said he doesn't want me as much as I want him.
Even then, I still hold on. Aiyoh.
The bad phase has past and we survived through it.
Mmm, now Z and I can start afresh if we r meant to be. If not, I am fine too. This time I know I am lovable and I did not jeopardize myself. I know that after Z, there will still be others. My spring time just started. Amen.
Father, I played the game to win, but I am ok to lose. And finally I am ready to expect a miracle in my relationship. I know my partner will be here. Thanks for the Destiny card for guiding me. So, a Seven of Heart need not be negative, I can turn it around.
Expect a Miracle
Change the energy and the experience change. Once we learn to see through the eyes of our higher selves, we come from a loving place rather than fearful one. With that problems are magically transcended and people just show up differently. Because we r not limited by our fear, our relationships are not dictated by our assumptions. We become fertile ground for the miracle of love to take root.
Soul
Exactly what I experienced earlier. I can now expect miracle in my relationship. It need not be Z, but it will come. I know it. I am blossoming and I want to share my love and joy with my partner. Amen.
Expect a miracle
We simply need to be present with our radiant stillness. We r open and available for a spiritual match; we need to have commitment, faith and joyful expectation.
Our stillness is the ideal ground in which to plant the seed of perfect partnership.
Soul
I bought this book a few years ago. And I couldn't relate to it, firstly because I don't meditate and practice stillness. Secondly because I can't believe a miracle will happen. Alas, I can now and I expect a miracle to happen. So many miracles has happen to me, what's there to stop my relationship from happening.
Expect a miracle
In every moment, we choose to come from fear or love. In order to get to the place where we are always choosing love, we have to learn to surrender our tenacious will and, through prayer and meditation, ask the spirit of Grace to help us.
Soul
This is my Osho transformation card. Heaven and hell is just a door away and I have the choice to open which door.
Expect a miracle
It can be pretty discomfiting to surrender like this because we think we are in control of our lives and that it will all just grind down to nothing if we stop policing things.
Surrendering allows u to relax into the knowledge that there is a greater intelligence at work in the universe and that u don't have to be on red-alert at all times.
Mantra - In our powerlessness, we find our greatest strength.
Soul
I got that in samurai game. Alas, I can surrender.
Expect a miracle
By just ceasing the act of trying, things begin to show up differently, and we find any mistrust we might have about trying to find a partner naturally melting away.
First step is to become conscious of what u r doing. U will feel a tightness in ur body when u try to control a situation that isn't within ur control. Once aware of ur ineffective behaviour, take a deep breathe, close ur eyes and say "Thy will be done." And then let it go.
Mantra; I surrender my tots of how things should be, and allow Grace to show my good to me.
It"s hard to trust that things will unfold perfectly for us if we can't see how they are going to unfold. But if what you've been doing hasn't been working, isn't it worth trying to surrender, to relax and assume that the Universal Mind is at work, making it all come together for u.
Soul
Thanks. For the first time in my life, I am not trying.
Expect a miracle
The kind of person that we want to meet won't materialise (or certainly wouldn't call us if they did!) if we are not embodying the very same loving qualities that we seek.
Soul
I am the happiest I have ever been. I am the healthiest. I am experiencing joyful moments And now finally I know I am lovable. I want to attract someone like myself or even better.
Expect a miracle
Once u can completely accept where u r presently, a particularly painful situations no longer needs to attach itself to u, trying ever so vigilantly to shake loose ur grip. Accept and surrender.
Then the energy clears, and the process of magnetism works its magic, and there is space for new energy to enter.
Surrender means recognising that we cannot control other people or situations. It also means letting go of the past so that it doesn't torment us, and in turn we are freed of any limited idea of what the future will bring. Relationships happen when we stop trying to make them happen. It doesn't mean u stop caring, it just means u give up the desperation.
Soul
That's what's happening to me now. I want him but I don't need him.
Soul
My past is gone.
Osho
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.
Soul
Amen.
Osho - to do
We carry our home with us wherever we go. There is no need to hurry, no need to seek shelter. Even as we move into the depths of the emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachments.
Ur dreams and hopes and desires are fading away. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is and u r able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.
Soul
I now know the Source is in me. My Source is my Home and I can keep connecting to my Home.
Osho
Resolutions
No more projections.
Soul
Only today I know I projected my neediness to my partners. I tot they need me and I try very hard eventhough at times I may not want them very much.
Father, I am at ease. Just did shoonya, I am home.
Just now was sharing with a colleague that I cannot take big meal. I know I cannot take raw fish and chili. Stomach pained and follow up with purge.
I am happy with myself. I didn't have a need to contact Z. I still want him, but the need is gone. Somehow I think that if he wants me, the fact that I don't need him, won't 'kill off" the liking.
Previously, I always have to make the other party know how much I want them so as to keep their interest, to make them feel secure. Ah, now I know, it was what I wanted. If they made their feelings known to me, then I feel secure.
Actually Z didn't contact me and my liking for him is still there. I still want him.
Aiyoh, I gave them what I need and when they didn't respond in kind, I feel even more insecure. And then I would insist on a reply of the same and if no reply, I would force a closure.
So, I project my need to them.
Aiyoh, I did the same to Z when I gave him the mail. He didn't reply as he doesn't feel the same way as I do. I was feeling so bad for 2 days. Except this time, I gather my courage and I called him and I didn't blast at him And he was at his end but he really wanted to get to the root of it and we chat for 3 hours. But net net he said he doesn't want me as much as I want him.
Even then, I still hold on. Aiyoh.
The bad phase has past and we survived through it.
Mmm, now Z and I can start afresh if we r meant to be. If not, I am fine too. This time I know I am lovable and I did not jeopardize myself. I know that after Z, there will still be others. My spring time just started. Amen.
Father, I played the game to win, but I am ok to lose. And finally I am ready to expect a miracle in my relationship. I know my partner will be here. Thanks for the Destiny card for guiding me. So, a Seven of Heart need not be negative, I can turn it around.
Expect a Miracle
Change the energy and the experience change. Once we learn to see through the eyes of our higher selves, we come from a loving place rather than fearful one. With that problems are magically transcended and people just show up differently. Because we r not limited by our fear, our relationships are not dictated by our assumptions. We become fertile ground for the miracle of love to take root.
Soul
Exactly what I experienced earlier. I can now expect miracle in my relationship. It need not be Z, but it will come. I know it. I am blossoming and I want to share my love and joy with my partner. Amen.
Expect a miracle
We simply need to be present with our radiant stillness. We r open and available for a spiritual match; we need to have commitment, faith and joyful expectation.
Our stillness is the ideal ground in which to plant the seed of perfect partnership.
Soul
I bought this book a few years ago. And I couldn't relate to it, firstly because I don't meditate and practice stillness. Secondly because I can't believe a miracle will happen. Alas, I can now and I expect a miracle to happen. So many miracles has happen to me, what's there to stop my relationship from happening.
Expect a miracle
In every moment, we choose to come from fear or love. In order to get to the place where we are always choosing love, we have to learn to surrender our tenacious will and, through prayer and meditation, ask the spirit of Grace to help us.
Soul
This is my Osho transformation card. Heaven and hell is just a door away and I have the choice to open which door.
Expect a miracle
It can be pretty discomfiting to surrender like this because we think we are in control of our lives and that it will all just grind down to nothing if we stop policing things.
Surrendering allows u to relax into the knowledge that there is a greater intelligence at work in the universe and that u don't have to be on red-alert at all times.
Mantra - In our powerlessness, we find our greatest strength.
Soul
I got that in samurai game. Alas, I can surrender.
Expect a miracle
By just ceasing the act of trying, things begin to show up differently, and we find any mistrust we might have about trying to find a partner naturally melting away.
First step is to become conscious of what u r doing. U will feel a tightness in ur body when u try to control a situation that isn't within ur control. Once aware of ur ineffective behaviour, take a deep breathe, close ur eyes and say "Thy will be done." And then let it go.
Mantra; I surrender my tots of how things should be, and allow Grace to show my good to me.
It"s hard to trust that things will unfold perfectly for us if we can't see how they are going to unfold. But if what you've been doing hasn't been working, isn't it worth trying to surrender, to relax and assume that the Universal Mind is at work, making it all come together for u.
Soul
Thanks. For the first time in my life, I am not trying.
Expect a miracle
The kind of person that we want to meet won't materialise (or certainly wouldn't call us if they did!) if we are not embodying the very same loving qualities that we seek.
Soul
I am the happiest I have ever been. I am the healthiest. I am experiencing joyful moments And now finally I know I am lovable. I want to attract someone like myself or even better.
Expect a miracle
Once u can completely accept where u r presently, a particularly painful situations no longer needs to attach itself to u, trying ever so vigilantly to shake loose ur grip. Accept and surrender.
Then the energy clears, and the process of magnetism works its magic, and there is space for new energy to enter.
Surrender means recognising that we cannot control other people or situations. It also means letting go of the past so that it doesn't torment us, and in turn we are freed of any limited idea of what the future will bring. Relationships happen when we stop trying to make them happen. It doesn't mean u stop caring, it just means u give up the desperation.
Soul
That's what's happening to me now. I want him but I don't need him.
Soul
My past is gone.
Osho
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.
Soul
Amen.
Osho - to do
We carry our home with us wherever we go. There is no need to hurry, no need to seek shelter. Even as we move into the depths of the emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachments.
Ur dreams and hopes and desires are fading away. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is and u r able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.
Soul
I now know the Source is in me. My Source is my Home and I can keep connecting to my Home.
Osho
Resolutions
No more projections.
Soul
Only today I know I projected my neediness to my partners. I tot they need me and I try very hard eventhough at times I may not want them very much.
Cosmic Lesson (10)
Feb 17
I swing between wanting and don't want love. Seven of Heart is about balance. I want and yet I don't want.
I now know the Source is my Home. I can go back to my Home. I am safe. I am home. Now I know what the transformation card meant.
Z is not the last guy. I need not hold on. I want him but I don't need him. For the first time, if we are off, I won't be taking this personally. I won't believe that I was unlovable, not good enough or etc. I would just tot that is ok cos its not meant to be. And I won't be holding on cos I know he is not the last one.
At the moment he think he is doing me a favour, he thinks that I really want him and maybe need him. Since I am offering, he won't block.
Well, I don't need such favour. So, I will just let this slide. Part of me says he will be back as I am his Mercury and Venus card and not easy for him to find replacement like me.
My song; If I can't have u, I don't want u baby. Amen.
Seven of Heart
A balance of want vs need.
Expect a miracle
Your body is a vessel through which Grace flows. The clearer u r, the more radiant and magnetic u become.
Soul
I am getting there. No wonder people said I have blossoms.
Expect a miracle
To break out of the self-fulfilling cycle of cynicism and negative expectation, we must open our minds by lifting the judgements that bar the miracle from manifesting.
Soul
Old belief that is no longer valid
1. Unlovable
2. Not good enough
3. Frigid
4. Suffering
5. Bad luck
6. No more chance
The fact that I can initiate new relationships mean I am lovable. My wrong strategy
1. Go for man who wants me
2. Afraid to get to know the guy in depth
3. Hold on even if I don't want to
4. Let them touch me even if I don't want to
5. Go for man that matches only my mental
6. Fear of failure, convert want into need - which accelerate the drop.
I swing between wanting and don't want love. Seven of Heart is about balance. I want and yet I don't want.
I now know the Source is my Home. I can go back to my Home. I am safe. I am home. Now I know what the transformation card meant.
Z is not the last guy. I need not hold on. I want him but I don't need him. For the first time, if we are off, I won't be taking this personally. I won't believe that I was unlovable, not good enough or etc. I would just tot that is ok cos its not meant to be. And I won't be holding on cos I know he is not the last one.
At the moment he think he is doing me a favour, he thinks that I really want him and maybe need him. Since I am offering, he won't block.
Well, I don't need such favour. So, I will just let this slide. Part of me says he will be back as I am his Mercury and Venus card and not easy for him to find replacement like me.
My song; If I can't have u, I don't want u baby. Amen.
Seven of Heart
A balance of want vs need.
Expect a miracle
Your body is a vessel through which Grace flows. The clearer u r, the more radiant and magnetic u become.
Soul
I am getting there. No wonder people said I have blossoms.
Expect a miracle
To break out of the self-fulfilling cycle of cynicism and negative expectation, we must open our minds by lifting the judgements that bar the miracle from manifesting.
Soul
Old belief that is no longer valid
1. Unlovable
2. Not good enough
3. Frigid
4. Suffering
5. Bad luck
6. No more chance
The fact that I can initiate new relationships mean I am lovable. My wrong strategy
1. Go for man who wants me
2. Afraid to get to know the guy in depth
3. Hold on even if I don't want to
4. Let them touch me even if I don't want to
5. Go for man that matches only my mental
6. Fear of failure, convert want into need - which accelerate the drop.
Cosmic Lesson (9)
Feb 16 Eve
Father, just did shoonya and samyama, about half an hour. Feels great. I was laughing and was connected to my Home. I now slowly realise that the Source is in me. The Source is my Home. The same Source is in everybody and everything. When I am in my Home, I can connect with the Home of nature.
I can get to my Home fast becos I already found the door to my Home. Firstly through the opening of all my doors of unconsciousness, secondly by raising my Energy and alignment of Body.
Father, thank U so much.
When I was in my Home, I sang if I can't have u, I don't want u baby. Its ironic, in the past its due to fear of failure as I tot if I cannot win, I don't want to play. But now, its becos I am fulfilled and I don't need to seek or beg for shelter. I am already at Home.
Expect a miracle
Within us is our past, our present, and predictably for our future, so in order to shift the potential for our future, we need to thoroughly relax the body and release the trapped fear-based energy.
Soul
Mmm, apart from RA, another motivator here. No wonder Sadhguru says doing hatha can uncover some of our karmic issue. Perhaps that's why I cried so much when I did suria, kapala bhakti and later hatha.
Expect a miracle
Mantra - I am grounded and comfortable in my body.
When u access a state of serenity, when u really feel it, how can u help but want more of it? And people can sense the peace in u and they want it too.
When u r totally comfortable with urself and the world, anything can happen!
Soul
Definitely can. Even the other, just standing grounding, I immediately connect to my Home and I start swaying.
Now I know why Z said that he like that I can connect to the Source so fast.
Late night
Yea, I did it. Didn't contact him. I am doing it for myself rather to get his attention. And I m not as bad as I tot eventhough he didn't call me.
Seven of Hearts is ur Pluto card
- I am learning how to experience unconditional love for others and in the process, I set myself free.
Seven of Hearts in the Saturn
U r being challenged now to practice non attachment in ur closest relationship and to overcome ur fear of abandonment.
Father, just did shoonya and samyama, about half an hour. Feels great. I was laughing and was connected to my Home. I now slowly realise that the Source is in me. The Source is my Home. The same Source is in everybody and everything. When I am in my Home, I can connect with the Home of nature.
I can get to my Home fast becos I already found the door to my Home. Firstly through the opening of all my doors of unconsciousness, secondly by raising my Energy and alignment of Body.
Father, thank U so much.
When I was in my Home, I sang if I can't have u, I don't want u baby. Its ironic, in the past its due to fear of failure as I tot if I cannot win, I don't want to play. But now, its becos I am fulfilled and I don't need to seek or beg for shelter. I am already at Home.
Expect a miracle
Within us is our past, our present, and predictably for our future, so in order to shift the potential for our future, we need to thoroughly relax the body and release the trapped fear-based energy.
Soul
Mmm, apart from RA, another motivator here. No wonder Sadhguru says doing hatha can uncover some of our karmic issue. Perhaps that's why I cried so much when I did suria, kapala bhakti and later hatha.
Expect a miracle
Mantra - I am grounded and comfortable in my body.
When u access a state of serenity, when u really feel it, how can u help but want more of it? And people can sense the peace in u and they want it too.
When u r totally comfortable with urself and the world, anything can happen!
Soul
Definitely can. Even the other, just standing grounding, I immediately connect to my Home and I start swaying.
Now I know why Z said that he like that I can connect to the Source so fast.
Late night
Yea, I did it. Didn't contact him. I am doing it for myself rather to get his attention. And I m not as bad as I tot eventhough he didn't call me.
Seven of Hearts is ur Pluto card
- I am learning how to experience unconditional love for others and in the process, I set myself free.
Seven of Hearts in the Saturn
U r being challenged now to practice non attachment in ur closest relationship and to overcome ur fear of abandonment.
Cosmic Lesson (8)
Feb 16 Aft
No one can add value or take value from me. I am intact
Father, previously I tot I was fated as not lovable and hence no one wants me. Since it was fated, I resentfully accept it and tot there is nothing to unveil per se. There is no problem per se.
Now that I know it was the lack of love for myself that causes me to sabotage my relationships, it does offer hope. But of course, I am now judging myself for lack of valuation. Aiyah, this is a happy problem. It is not easy knowing I am the cause.
Yeap, can be overcome. Just like when I realise I hankered for the valuation in job, I transcend it. The same can be done for relationship too.
First thing I want to do is I want to face the real Z. I don't want to project my feelings on to him. If he is truly keen, he will initiate. If he does not, I will let this lie down.
What is born will die. And I played death in Samurai Game. I sacrificed myself cos I tot I have flowered.
A tot came. I am afraid of facing me being a small devalued person in a relationship. I felt bit like dying, like I lost myself whenever the rship turn astray.
So I avoid it cos it makes me feel small. I tot the issue is the rship but now I realised the issue is me. The rship was just the tool to show me that I was mistaken in thinking that someone else can add value or devalue me. I was also mistaken that I can only love myself based on valuation mode.
When I was dying in Samurai Game, I realised that my valuation was intact, I was not devalued.
By not having a relationship I tot my valuation is intact. Father, this is the same concept with me not doing lower value job as I afraid it will lower down my valuation.
Father, why my love is tied to valuation.
Expect a miracle
Mantra;
I am breathing and listening. In this stillness I am whole.
I rest in sacred stillness, knowing my partner is on the way.
I accept where I am at this moment and allow myself the possibility of change.
Relationships are the perfect opportunity for growth and high expression and because growth can be frightening, and the best way to keep it away is to stay busy with the dramas of everyday life.
Soul
I know I am connected and I can see my connection with others.
Expect a miracle
Magnetism is that which begins as a connectedness within onself and then issues forth as a connection with others. Magnetism is bringing together our body, mind and spirit in perfect harmony.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Of course what we cannot feel toward overselves cannot be felt by a potential partner. If we don't like who we are, why would someone else? If we don't like who we are, why would someone else?
Soul
Yeap, I cannot love myself, so I create neediness.
Expect a miracle
So relax, stop being hard on urself, accept who u r right now, and begin to open ur heart to the possibility that u deserve a miracle.
When we are comfortable with all aspects of ourselves, self-love and magnetism come naturally.
Soul
Why not? I have so many miracles, what's more another one. It was a miracle that Z and I can connect so well. The foundation has been set.
Expect a miracle
Trinity self
1. Mind
2. Body
3. Spiritual
When all parts of the Trinity Self are operating at the highest level possible, we become magnets for love. Only then do we naturally link up with the partner who can join us for the lessons and experiences we most need in order to further grow and evolve.
Soul
I am already radiant. I know I am blossoming as this is my spring time. For the first time my body has finally caught up.
1. Mind - we r compatible. he is a strategist
2. Body - we r aligned - he more experienced than me
3. Spiritual - we do sync - I am more experience than him.
No one can add value or take value from me. I am intact
Father, previously I tot I was fated as not lovable and hence no one wants me. Since it was fated, I resentfully accept it and tot there is nothing to unveil per se. There is no problem per se.
Now that I know it was the lack of love for myself that causes me to sabotage my relationships, it does offer hope. But of course, I am now judging myself for lack of valuation. Aiyah, this is a happy problem. It is not easy knowing I am the cause.
Yeap, can be overcome. Just like when I realise I hankered for the valuation in job, I transcend it. The same can be done for relationship too.
First thing I want to do is I want to face the real Z. I don't want to project my feelings on to him. If he is truly keen, he will initiate. If he does not, I will let this lie down.
What is born will die. And I played death in Samurai Game. I sacrificed myself cos I tot I have flowered.
A tot came. I am afraid of facing me being a small devalued person in a relationship. I felt bit like dying, like I lost myself whenever the rship turn astray.
So I avoid it cos it makes me feel small. I tot the issue is the rship but now I realised the issue is me. The rship was just the tool to show me that I was mistaken in thinking that someone else can add value or devalue me. I was also mistaken that I can only love myself based on valuation mode.
When I was dying in Samurai Game, I realised that my valuation was intact, I was not devalued.
By not having a relationship I tot my valuation is intact. Father, this is the same concept with me not doing lower value job as I afraid it will lower down my valuation.
Father, why my love is tied to valuation.
Expect a miracle
Mantra;
I am breathing and listening. In this stillness I am whole.
I rest in sacred stillness, knowing my partner is on the way.
I accept where I am at this moment and allow myself the possibility of change.
Relationships are the perfect opportunity for growth and high expression and because growth can be frightening, and the best way to keep it away is to stay busy with the dramas of everyday life.
Soul
I know I am connected and I can see my connection with others.
Expect a miracle
Magnetism is that which begins as a connectedness within onself and then issues forth as a connection with others. Magnetism is bringing together our body, mind and spirit in perfect harmony.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Of course what we cannot feel toward overselves cannot be felt by a potential partner. If we don't like who we are, why would someone else? If we don't like who we are, why would someone else?
Soul
Yeap, I cannot love myself, so I create neediness.
Expect a miracle
So relax, stop being hard on urself, accept who u r right now, and begin to open ur heart to the possibility that u deserve a miracle.
When we are comfortable with all aspects of ourselves, self-love and magnetism come naturally.
Soul
Why not? I have so many miracles, what's more another one. It was a miracle that Z and I can connect so well. The foundation has been set.
Expect a miracle
Trinity self
1. Mind
2. Body
3. Spiritual
When all parts of the Trinity Self are operating at the highest level possible, we become magnets for love. Only then do we naturally link up with the partner who can join us for the lessons and experiences we most need in order to further grow and evolve.
Soul
I am already radiant. I know I am blossoming as this is my spring time. For the first time my body has finally caught up.
1. Mind - we r compatible. he is a strategist
2. Body - we r aligned - he more experienced than me
3. Spiritual - we do sync - I am more experience than him.
Facing my karma in relationship (32)
Feb 16
I used to think m not lovable.
Actually I am likeable and lovable. I had displayed double negative feminine energy. And because it conflict with my Ace of Diamond masculine energy, it makes me feel very unease, uncertain and I become resentful of the partner and hence push either him or myself to end it. And when it ended, I judged myself for being unlovable and I didn't want to go into relationship because it trigger so much unease and uncertainty and the chance of winning is slim base on my track record.
I also project my neediness to the guy. I tot I was giving them love cos they need it. Actually I need it and I was seeking. They don't need me.
Just now tot of Z and I wonder how he is, maybe can send a msg to him. 2nd tot is I want a msg from him, not him wanting mine.
Now alas I can see the projection.
External influence
The dream
U r afraid of ur aloneness and u want to drown it in relationship.
Nobody, whether its ur current partner or some dreamed - of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver ur happiness on a platter - nor could they even if they wanted to.
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner riches and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards to us.
Soul
Z is my past life card. He is also my Pluto and Saturn card, mainly due to my issue with relationship. For the first time I wan to take this challenge. I am willing to change my approach by giving love to myself and not seek for him. Z is just a tool to remind me to love myself unconditionally.
What is needed for resolution? Slowing down.
Each moment one has to be at ease with oneself - not trying to improve, not cultivating anything, not practicing anything.
Soul
I am fine on my own. I need not seek him to be fine. I need not have him to be fine. I have my home with me. I need not seek shelter with him.
Resolution
Projection
Through ur excitement the dream starts looking like reality. If u r excited then u r intoxicated, then u r not in ur senses. Then whatsoever u see is just ur projection. U r projecting an image of ur partner that u have constructed in ur mind, covering the real face of the person.
Projections happens when we are not fully aware of our own expectations, desires and judgements; instead of taking responsibility and owning them, we try to attribute them to others. A projection can be devilish or divine, disturbing or comforting, but it is a projection nonetheless - a cloud that prevents us from seeing reality as it is.
The only way out is to recognise the game.
When u find a judgment arising about another, turn it around; Does what u see in others really belong to u? Is ur vision clear, ir clouded by what u want to see.
Soul
Suddenly for the first time I saw my projection. I want to transform.
Perhaps my interest in him kindled becos I tot I won't be getting it from writing. I tot I may not succeed.
Expect a miracle
Kelly Preston
A relationship filled with long conversations, laughter and doing fun things together.
Admire him for who he was and he seemed to bring out my most creative and productive energy.
And instead of always picking at what was wrong, we celebrated this incredible relationship that seemed like a miracle to both of us.
Soul
Sounds familiar between me and Z.
Expect a miracle
We create our own reality, that healthy relationships can occur only when we are ready inside, when we r open to miracle.
Being open means trusting and having faith in the benevolence of Grace and realigning ourselves with the power behind it. When that happens, we no longer have to work at finding, and only wait for it to appear.
I used to think m not lovable.
Actually I am likeable and lovable. I had displayed double negative feminine energy. And because it conflict with my Ace of Diamond masculine energy, it makes me feel very unease, uncertain and I become resentful of the partner and hence push either him or myself to end it. And when it ended, I judged myself for being unlovable and I didn't want to go into relationship because it trigger so much unease and uncertainty and the chance of winning is slim base on my track record.
I also project my neediness to the guy. I tot I was giving them love cos they need it. Actually I need it and I was seeking. They don't need me.
Just now tot of Z and I wonder how he is, maybe can send a msg to him. 2nd tot is I want a msg from him, not him wanting mine.
Now alas I can see the projection.
External influence
The dream
U r afraid of ur aloneness and u want to drown it in relationship.
Nobody, whether its ur current partner or some dreamed - of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver ur happiness on a platter - nor could they even if they wanted to.
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner riches and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards to us.
Soul
Z is my past life card. He is also my Pluto and Saturn card, mainly due to my issue with relationship. For the first time I wan to take this challenge. I am willing to change my approach by giving love to myself and not seek for him. Z is just a tool to remind me to love myself unconditionally.
What is needed for resolution? Slowing down.
Each moment one has to be at ease with oneself - not trying to improve, not cultivating anything, not practicing anything.
Soul
I am fine on my own. I need not seek him to be fine. I need not have him to be fine. I have my home with me. I need not seek shelter with him.
Resolution
Projection
Through ur excitement the dream starts looking like reality. If u r excited then u r intoxicated, then u r not in ur senses. Then whatsoever u see is just ur projection. U r projecting an image of ur partner that u have constructed in ur mind, covering the real face of the person.
Projections happens when we are not fully aware of our own expectations, desires and judgements; instead of taking responsibility and owning them, we try to attribute them to others. A projection can be devilish or divine, disturbing or comforting, but it is a projection nonetheless - a cloud that prevents us from seeing reality as it is.
The only way out is to recognise the game.
When u find a judgment arising about another, turn it around; Does what u see in others really belong to u? Is ur vision clear, ir clouded by what u want to see.
Soul
Suddenly for the first time I saw my projection. I want to transform.
Perhaps my interest in him kindled becos I tot I won't be getting it from writing. I tot I may not succeed.
Expect a miracle
Kelly Preston
A relationship filled with long conversations, laughter and doing fun things together.
Admire him for who he was and he seemed to bring out my most creative and productive energy.
And instead of always picking at what was wrong, we celebrated this incredible relationship that seemed like a miracle to both of us.
Soul
Sounds familiar between me and Z.
Expect a miracle
We create our own reality, that healthy relationships can occur only when we are ready inside, when we r open to miracle.
Being open means trusting and having faith in the benevolence of Grace and realigning ourselves with the power behind it. When that happens, we no longer have to work at finding, and only wait for it to appear.
Love is effortless (2)
Feb 15 Sadhguru
Himalayan Lust.
Question: Apart from doing our practices and having faith in u, is there anything else we can do to increase our receptivity?
Sadhguru's answers:
If u don't make ur tots, emotions, opinions, ideas, beliefs and yourself, important, u r absolutely receptive. The only barrier is urself, nothing else. U just keep the ideas, opinions, tots, emotions aside.
The moment u think u know what is good for u, ur ability to receive is crippled.
If u r full of things that u value, u cannot receive much. Only when u have no clue about the immensity of life, u think r smart. When u see that the way u think and feel is not enough, u become receptive. Once u have an inkling of the immensity of life, once u see how small and stupid u r, u become receptivity itself.
If u continue ur sadhana, u will find love is no more an emotion; it's just a certain way that u r.
If u make urself into an atmosphere of love, the possibility of going through this world more pleasantly is definitely there for u, no matter what's happening around u.
So especially if u want to walk the spiritual path, keeping urself - ur interiority pleasant, is extremely important because its a very challenging path. If u know how to keep ur interiority pleasant, if ur emotions are pleasant always, then walking the path becomes a joyful process.
Soul
I don't have love yet for anyone.
Sadhguru
If u r not like this, if there is no love in u, then u must know something else. U must know the blissfulness of just ur existence; not being happy about something, just being blissful, your very existence being blissful. Every cell in ur body has become sweet. U don't love anybody, u don't like anybody or dislike anybody - u r just pleasant.
When u r simply so sweet and pleasant within urself, ur very presence is pleasant.
Anything that u look at, anything that u touch or don't touch - everything is experienced as sweetness. Until u r like this, its good to be in love, the best way to be.
Soul
Father, I am experiencing this. And now I am learning to love myself.
Himalayan Lust.
Question: Apart from doing our practices and having faith in u, is there anything else we can do to increase our receptivity?
Sadhguru's answers:
If u don't make ur tots, emotions, opinions, ideas, beliefs and yourself, important, u r absolutely receptive. The only barrier is urself, nothing else. U just keep the ideas, opinions, tots, emotions aside.
The moment u think u know what is good for u, ur ability to receive is crippled.
If u r full of things that u value, u cannot receive much. Only when u have no clue about the immensity of life, u think r smart. When u see that the way u think and feel is not enough, u become receptive. Once u have an inkling of the immensity of life, once u see how small and stupid u r, u become receptivity itself.
If u continue ur sadhana, u will find love is no more an emotion; it's just a certain way that u r.
If u make urself into an atmosphere of love, the possibility of going through this world more pleasantly is definitely there for u, no matter what's happening around u.
So especially if u want to walk the spiritual path, keeping urself - ur interiority pleasant, is extremely important because its a very challenging path. If u know how to keep ur interiority pleasant, if ur emotions are pleasant always, then walking the path becomes a joyful process.
Soul
I don't have love yet for anyone.
Sadhguru
If u r not like this, if there is no love in u, then u must know something else. U must know the blissfulness of just ur existence; not being happy about something, just being blissful, your very existence being blissful. Every cell in ur body has become sweet. U don't love anybody, u don't like anybody or dislike anybody - u r just pleasant.
When u r simply so sweet and pleasant within urself, ur very presence is pleasant.
Anything that u look at, anything that u touch or don't touch - everything is experienced as sweetness. Until u r like this, its good to be in love, the best way to be.
Soul
Father, I am experiencing this. And now I am learning to love myself.
Transformation did happen (3) - Love Myself
Feb 15 Eve
Feedback from P
Not to be needy.
U become overwhelming when u become needy. It is especially worse as u r a self confident woman before. Just be ur confident self, love urself and let him be free.
U need to switch back the masculine energy when in relationship.
Father, I feel so liberated. I am lovable, its just that I become too needy.
What happen was whenever I faced uncertainty, I seek validation and become clingy.
Practice a non attachment to have a relationship. Remember my route in effortless work. The same goes in effortless love. Let go and let be. Yeah.
This is great especially now that I love myself and I don't allow anyone to affect my well being.
Z is my Saturn and Pluto
I am Z's Mercury and Venus.
How I see Z.
Saturn relationship is learning. U may feel restricted and burdened by this relationship, u may also sense that this relationship is something u must put up with for a while until u have learned or mastered the lesson at hand. With the proper attitude, a Saturn relationship will bring u to an entirely new level of maturity and strength.
Pluto relationship means that they will be in some way involved in changing u. U will probably feel challenged by their presence. There is something about them that u want to master in urself. Either they have something u want or they bring out a weakness in u that u want to overcome. If u take this person as a mirror for ur own personal challenge, u will be able to get the maximum benefits from this relationship. They are somehow reminding u of something that u want to achieve personally.
Soul - I want his courage and his ability to stay positive/have faith despite his setbacks in relationship and upbringing. He is a self made man, overcoming all difficulties, didn't have any bitterness or resentment for those who hurt him.
Of course, rship is my bigger challenge and I am now dealing with a player who always have upper hand. Even doubly difficult.
How Z see me
Mercury connection - a good connection.
U r given the gift of communication with them. u too have a good mental connection. This is someone with whom u r involved in a mental pursuit, such as school or classes of some kind. You probably have much in common and much to talk about. This ability to communicate is very good for intimate relationships such as marriage or love affair because communication is an important ingredient for long term success. Even if the person is not a lover or marriage, then u should at least be good friends and have something in common to talk about.
Venus connection
Is someone u love or have a lot of affection for. This can range from a dear friend or relative or to someone u would spend the rest of ur life with. The person will be friendly and helpful and possibly a source of financial help. This could be someone special in many ways.
Soul
What I want is to transcend my fear of failure in rship. Today I realised that the challenges was a way for me to see that I love myself and I need not be needy. Just like now I find that I can stand not replying to him. His msg to me was in response to my msg. Since there was no new initiation I need not respond. Previously I would respond for fear that I gave the wrong signal that I am not keen, I make myself so available. Since he find no qualms in taking 1 day to reply my message, I also need not worry that he is not ok with me not responding. I will not initiate, I have done loads. Now is his turn and if he doesn't, so be it. It not easy and I keep hoping he will initiate but for the first time I can do it. Holding myself back a bit and let the guy do the running. Father, this is a first time for me. Amen.
I need not worry that if I don't respond he will forget about me. I need not worry that he will let me go. Just like I didn't let him go when he doesn't respond, I too must give myself same respect and love.
Feedback from P
Not to be needy.
U become overwhelming when u become needy. It is especially worse as u r a self confident woman before. Just be ur confident self, love urself and let him be free.
U need to switch back the masculine energy when in relationship.
Father, I feel so liberated. I am lovable, its just that I become too needy.
What happen was whenever I faced uncertainty, I seek validation and become clingy.
Practice a non attachment to have a relationship. Remember my route in effortless work. The same goes in effortless love. Let go and let be. Yeah.
This is great especially now that I love myself and I don't allow anyone to affect my well being.
Z is my Saturn and Pluto
I am Z's Mercury and Venus.
How I see Z.
Saturn relationship is learning. U may feel restricted and burdened by this relationship, u may also sense that this relationship is something u must put up with for a while until u have learned or mastered the lesson at hand. With the proper attitude, a Saturn relationship will bring u to an entirely new level of maturity and strength.
Pluto relationship means that they will be in some way involved in changing u. U will probably feel challenged by their presence. There is something about them that u want to master in urself. Either they have something u want or they bring out a weakness in u that u want to overcome. If u take this person as a mirror for ur own personal challenge, u will be able to get the maximum benefits from this relationship. They are somehow reminding u of something that u want to achieve personally.
Soul - I want his courage and his ability to stay positive/have faith despite his setbacks in relationship and upbringing. He is a self made man, overcoming all difficulties, didn't have any bitterness or resentment for those who hurt him.
Of course, rship is my bigger challenge and I am now dealing with a player who always have upper hand. Even doubly difficult.
How Z see me
Mercury connection - a good connection.
U r given the gift of communication with them. u too have a good mental connection. This is someone with whom u r involved in a mental pursuit, such as school or classes of some kind. You probably have much in common and much to talk about. This ability to communicate is very good for intimate relationships such as marriage or love affair because communication is an important ingredient for long term success. Even if the person is not a lover or marriage, then u should at least be good friends and have something in common to talk about.
Venus connection
Is someone u love or have a lot of affection for. This can range from a dear friend or relative or to someone u would spend the rest of ur life with. The person will be friendly and helpful and possibly a source of financial help. This could be someone special in many ways.
Soul
What I want is to transcend my fear of failure in rship. Today I realised that the challenges was a way for me to see that I love myself and I need not be needy. Just like now I find that I can stand not replying to him. His msg to me was in response to my msg. Since there was no new initiation I need not respond. Previously I would respond for fear that I gave the wrong signal that I am not keen, I make myself so available. Since he find no qualms in taking 1 day to reply my message, I also need not worry that he is not ok with me not responding. I will not initiate, I have done loads. Now is his turn and if he doesn't, so be it. It not easy and I keep hoping he will initiate but for the first time I can do it. Holding myself back a bit and let the guy do the running. Father, this is a first time for me. Amen.
I need not worry that if I don't respond he will forget about me. I need not worry that he will let me go. Just like I didn't let him go when he doesn't respond, I too must give myself same respect and love.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Transformation did happen (2) - Breakthru
Feb 15 Aft
Father, no reply from him. Of course, the mind is working overtime. I ignored it and just focus on my breathe.
Was reading the info on Destiny card and it said the Environment card in age 52 is the lifetime challenge. Of course, I am not surprised mine is Seven of Heart.
Father, I am determined to overcome this and I have the tool to help me. Please guide me. Perfect tool of Z who is more afraid than me, hence runs even faster than me. Whenever he runs, I reacted by being angry at him and wanted to run. So, both parties running. And since it is mine to bear, I need to proceed
Environment card in age 52 is ur lifetime challenge
Seven of Heart
Real experience of Unconditional love
As u allow others to be who they are, u also allow yourself to be yourself, and in this way, u will be able to experience a new sense of personal freedom. To be totally free means having no attachment to others and no worries about whether or not they love us. It also means having a knowing that there will always be enough love in our life, because it comes from within.
(Mar 29 - I am finally getting it)
Soul
I only love myself when I achieve, when I have value. So, whenever in rship, I lost, I felt devalued and then I would beat myself up for trying to think I can do it.
A tot just came; perhaps that's the challenge: is for me to value and love myself irrespective of whether I succeed or failed in relationship; or even if they are keen or me or not.
So, all these challenges are just vehicles to push me to love myself in any condition. It is not becos God wants me to suffer or to make me humble.
Suddenly I cried and cried as I was driving. Later I was laughing and now I felt such sweetness for myself. I feel my heart.
It is becos the love I have for myself is conditional. What's there not to love about me! I am so lovable. Father, I will end the lifetime challenge by loving myself.
Nothing and no one has the power to rock my unconditional love for myself.
A deeper examination will reveal that u have set yourself up for these downfalls by placing unreasonable demands upon those u love and care for. U will learn to rise above this level of attachment this year to a new way of being in personal relationships that is more healthy and expansive then those in the past.
Lesson in the raising of "love consciousness". To experience unconditional love for others and in the process, I set myself free.
Soul
Amen.
(Eve - P has told me to be confident and let go of my neediness. )
Soul
Mmmm, not so simple.
Father, no reply from him. Of course, the mind is working overtime. I ignored it and just focus on my breathe.
Was reading the info on Destiny card and it said the Environment card in age 52 is the lifetime challenge. Of course, I am not surprised mine is Seven of Heart.
Father, I am determined to overcome this and I have the tool to help me. Please guide me. Perfect tool of Z who is more afraid than me, hence runs even faster than me. Whenever he runs, I reacted by being angry at him and wanted to run. So, both parties running. And since it is mine to bear, I need to proceed
Environment card in age 52 is ur lifetime challenge
Seven of Heart
Real experience of Unconditional love
As u allow others to be who they are, u also allow yourself to be yourself, and in this way, u will be able to experience a new sense of personal freedom. To be totally free means having no attachment to others and no worries about whether or not they love us. It also means having a knowing that there will always be enough love in our life, because it comes from within.
(Mar 29 - I am finally getting it)
Soul
I only love myself when I achieve, when I have value. So, whenever in rship, I lost, I felt devalued and then I would beat myself up for trying to think I can do it.
A tot just came; perhaps that's the challenge: is for me to value and love myself irrespective of whether I succeed or failed in relationship; or even if they are keen or me or not.
So, all these challenges are just vehicles to push me to love myself in any condition. It is not becos God wants me to suffer or to make me humble.
Suddenly I cried and cried as I was driving. Later I was laughing and now I felt such sweetness for myself. I feel my heart.
It is becos the love I have for myself is conditional. What's there not to love about me! I am so lovable. Father, I will end the lifetime challenge by loving myself.
Nothing and no one has the power to rock my unconditional love for myself.
A deeper examination will reveal that u have set yourself up for these downfalls by placing unreasonable demands upon those u love and care for. U will learn to rise above this level of attachment this year to a new way of being in personal relationships that is more healthy and expansive then those in the past.
Lesson in the raising of "love consciousness". To experience unconditional love for others and in the process, I set myself free.
Soul
Amen.
(Eve - P has told me to be confident and let go of my neediness. )
Soul
Mmmm, not so simple.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
To play is to live, and to live is to play (2)
Feb 15
Father, did my practices. Such sweetness. Thank U. Looks like sathsang was fine. This morning had a tot that I will start the next sathsang by briefing them on the process, tell them to close their eyes during intervals as this will help the energy to stay in. In subsequent sathsang, I will go thru with the shambavi process.
Father, I am committed to make them enjoy sathsang the way that I enjoyed it. I want them to experience the joy that I feel. Amen.
1. Issue - Celebration
Life is a moment to celebrate, to enjoy. Make it fun, a celebration and then u will enter the temple.
Don't be too wise. A little foolishness and a little wisdom is good and the right combination makes u a buddha.
True celebration arises from from a joy that is first experienced deep within, and spills over into an overflow of song and dance and laughter, and yes, even tears of gratitude. U r now becoming more and more available and open to the many opportunities there are to celebrate in life and to spread this by contagion to others.
Soul
Yeap, sathsang is one of them. They are now definitely more happier.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
The Fool
A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. Don't try to create a wall of knowledge around u. Whatsoever experience comes to u, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning ur mind continuously; go on dying to the past so u remain in the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe.
This card indicates if u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the rightness of things, u cannot go wrong.
Your actions may appear foolish to others or even to urself if u try to analyse them with the rational mind. But the zero place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
It was very difficult in the beginning. But its getting easier now. I am no longer afraid to lose my pride. I just want to share my joy with him cos I am thankful that he has the tenacity to open all my doors and the courage to open all of his doors and even more.
So, now whenever I feel like sharing I will seek him out and I let the past be bygones.
Like my boss said we never know what will happen in the future. Even if one are married they may separates, what's more when one says they r going to commit. So, it doesn't matter if he says he doesn't want to commit. We both doesn't know what will happen.
3. External influence that u r aware
The Dream
We come alone into this world, we go alone.
Nobody, whether its ur current mate or some dreamed of partner in the future has any obligation to deliver ur happiness on a platter - nor could they even if they wanted to.
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.
Soul
Yeap. He cannot make me happy. Only I can make myself happy. I am slowly but surely learning to seek him only when I want to give him love. I want him because I want to share myself, my joy, my happiness. And I am grateful to him for his tenacity and perseverance in helping me to cross over.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Slowing Down
Meditation is a kind of medicine - its use is only for the time being. Once u have learned the quality, then u need not do any particular meditation; then the meditation has to spread all over ur life. Do whatever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm and centred.
Soul
I now can go into the mode. Last week when I started to feel afraid cos cannot believe I was swimming the last circle, I remember the mode of meditation and I went into it and it calmed me down and I finished the circle effortlessly.
Slowing Down
Just like the tortoise, we carry our home with us wherever we go. There is no need to hurry, no need to seek shelter elsewhere. Even as we moved into the depths of emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachments.
Soul
I now truly relate what it meant. I am always safe. I need not run to seek shelter whenever I am afraid. I just need to back inside into my home that I am always carrying with me. The doorway to go back my home is the meditation mode. And I already know the quality. Even now sitting, I can feel me and my home. Amen.
Slowing down
It is a time when u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about urself or other people and to take responsibility for any illusions u might have been carrying. There is no need to do anything but to rest in the fullness of who u r right now. If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is and u r able to welcome this new development in a way u have never been able to before. Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising u r already at home.
Soul
Yea, I now know I am carrying my home with me. And I can go back anytime. I am safe now. I am at home. Amen.
5. Resolution
Projections.
Your mind is at the back of the whole thing and the mind is the projector.
So the only way to reach the truth is to learn how to be immediate in ur vision, how to drop the help of the mind. The agency of the mind is the problem, because mind can create only dreams.
If u r too excited then u r intoxicated, then u r not in ur senses. Then whatsoever u see is just ur projection. And there are as many worlds as there are minds because every mind lives in his own world.
Soul
Yeap, same analogy to my article. Everything is neutral and if u r overly enthusiastic when it has nothing to do with u, then there is projection.
Father, let me see the truth on Z.
Father, did my practices. Such sweetness. Thank U. Looks like sathsang was fine. This morning had a tot that I will start the next sathsang by briefing them on the process, tell them to close their eyes during intervals as this will help the energy to stay in. In subsequent sathsang, I will go thru with the shambavi process.
Father, I am committed to make them enjoy sathsang the way that I enjoyed it. I want them to experience the joy that I feel. Amen.
1. Issue - Celebration
Life is a moment to celebrate, to enjoy. Make it fun, a celebration and then u will enter the temple.
Don't be too wise. A little foolishness and a little wisdom is good and the right combination makes u a buddha.
True celebration arises from from a joy that is first experienced deep within, and spills over into an overflow of song and dance and laughter, and yes, even tears of gratitude. U r now becoming more and more available and open to the many opportunities there are to celebrate in life and to spread this by contagion to others.
Soul
Yeap, sathsang is one of them. They are now definitely more happier.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
The Fool
A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. Don't try to create a wall of knowledge around u. Whatsoever experience comes to u, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning ur mind continuously; go on dying to the past so u remain in the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe.
This card indicates if u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the rightness of things, u cannot go wrong.
Your actions may appear foolish to others or even to urself if u try to analyse them with the rational mind. But the zero place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Soul
It was very difficult in the beginning. But its getting easier now. I am no longer afraid to lose my pride. I just want to share my joy with him cos I am thankful that he has the tenacity to open all my doors and the courage to open all of his doors and even more.
So, now whenever I feel like sharing I will seek him out and I let the past be bygones.
Like my boss said we never know what will happen in the future. Even if one are married they may separates, what's more when one says they r going to commit. So, it doesn't matter if he says he doesn't want to commit. We both doesn't know what will happen.
3. External influence that u r aware
The Dream
We come alone into this world, we go alone.
Nobody, whether its ur current mate or some dreamed of partner in the future has any obligation to deliver ur happiness on a platter - nor could they even if they wanted to.
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.
Soul
Yeap. He cannot make me happy. Only I can make myself happy. I am slowly but surely learning to seek him only when I want to give him love. I want him because I want to share myself, my joy, my happiness. And I am grateful to him for his tenacity and perseverance in helping me to cross over.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Slowing Down
Meditation is a kind of medicine - its use is only for the time being. Once u have learned the quality, then u need not do any particular meditation; then the meditation has to spread all over ur life. Do whatever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm and centred.
Soul
I now can go into the mode. Last week when I started to feel afraid cos cannot believe I was swimming the last circle, I remember the mode of meditation and I went into it and it calmed me down and I finished the circle effortlessly.
Slowing Down
Just like the tortoise, we carry our home with us wherever we go. There is no need to hurry, no need to seek shelter elsewhere. Even as we moved into the depths of emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachments.
Soul
I now truly relate what it meant. I am always safe. I need not run to seek shelter whenever I am afraid. I just need to back inside into my home that I am always carrying with me. The doorway to go back my home is the meditation mode. And I already know the quality. Even now sitting, I can feel me and my home. Amen.
Slowing down
It is a time when u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about urself or other people and to take responsibility for any illusions u might have been carrying. There is no need to do anything but to rest in the fullness of who u r right now. If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is and u r able to welcome this new development in a way u have never been able to before. Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising u r already at home.
Soul
Yea, I now know I am carrying my home with me. And I can go back anytime. I am safe now. I am at home. Amen.
5. Resolution
Projections.
Your mind is at the back of the whole thing and the mind is the projector.
So the only way to reach the truth is to learn how to be immediate in ur vision, how to drop the help of the mind. The agency of the mind is the problem, because mind can create only dreams.
If u r too excited then u r intoxicated, then u r not in ur senses. Then whatsoever u see is just ur projection. And there are as many worlds as there are minds because every mind lives in his own world.
Soul
Yeap, same analogy to my article. Everything is neutral and if u r overly enthusiastic when it has nothing to do with u, then there is projection.
Father, let me see the truth on Z.
To play is to live, and to live is to play
Feb 14 Aft
Sadhguru on relationship
If ur body goes in search of a relationship, we call this sexuality.
If ur mind goes in search of a relationship, we call this companionship.
If ur emotion goes in search of relationships, we call this love.
If ur energies go in search of relationships, we call this yoga.
All these efforts are just to become one with something else, because somehow being who u are right now is not enough.
Yoga means union. Whatever is the longing behind any relationship, u will never really know that oneness.
But if u experience all this life around u as a part of urself, now the way u exist here will be very, very different. Now relationships will only become a way of looking towards the others' need, not about ur own because u have no need of ur own anymore.
Once there are no compulsions within u and everything that u do become conscious, relationships will become a true blessing, no more a longing, no more a struggle.
Soul
A reminder that my role now is to give him love and not to seek love.
(Mar 22 - Father, whenever I pass by trees, suddenly I felt such connection. I can go into humming, singing and even dancing. I just feel their presence. I guess this is my energy in search of relationship.)
Sadhguru
Joy is not something u do; joy is something that u become. Joy is not an achievement,
If u r not entangled with the modifications of ur mind, joyfulness is a natural way.
One knows misery in one's life not because of external circumstance. One experiences misery when one loses control over one's own mind, when one's ability to handle the mind is gone. Outside situations can cause physical pain; suffering and misery are always created in the mind.
Outside situations never happen 100% the way u want it. Not one person in this world is exactly the way u want them to be; not ur husband, not ur wife, parents and etc - nobody.
So, when this the reality, at least this one person - you - must be the way u want to be. If u r the way u want urself to be, the very natural choice is joy. If u become in tune with ur own basic existence, joyful is the only way u will be.
Soul
This is so familiar. Sound similar to my Osho card for the week.
Sadhguru
Whenever we involve ourselves in what we do, the ugly part is that people get entangled. When they get entangled, they feel ugly within themselves, and they will make sure everybody has a taste of it too.
So, the fundamental of any game is - If u want to play a game, u must have the fire of wanting to win, but also the balance to see that "if I lose, it is okay with me".
You never play a game to lose, u always play a game to win, but if u lose, it is all right with u.
If u maintain this fundamental with every aspect of life, u r a sport. Wherever u r, whatever u r doing, whatever kind of situation u r in, u r still a sport.
"To play is to live, and to live is to play"
Soul
Similar to my take away from the Samurai Game.
Sadhguru on relationship
If ur body goes in search of a relationship, we call this sexuality.
If ur mind goes in search of a relationship, we call this companionship.
If ur emotion goes in search of relationships, we call this love.
If ur energies go in search of relationships, we call this yoga.
All these efforts are just to become one with something else, because somehow being who u are right now is not enough.
Yoga means union. Whatever is the longing behind any relationship, u will never really know that oneness.
But if u experience all this life around u as a part of urself, now the way u exist here will be very, very different. Now relationships will only become a way of looking towards the others' need, not about ur own because u have no need of ur own anymore.
Once there are no compulsions within u and everything that u do become conscious, relationships will become a true blessing, no more a longing, no more a struggle.
Soul
A reminder that my role now is to give him love and not to seek love.
(Mar 22 - Father, whenever I pass by trees, suddenly I felt such connection. I can go into humming, singing and even dancing. I just feel their presence. I guess this is my energy in search of relationship.)
Sadhguru
Joy is not something u do; joy is something that u become. Joy is not an achievement,
If u r not entangled with the modifications of ur mind, joyfulness is a natural way.
One knows misery in one's life not because of external circumstance. One experiences misery when one loses control over one's own mind, when one's ability to handle the mind is gone. Outside situations can cause physical pain; suffering and misery are always created in the mind.
Outside situations never happen 100% the way u want it. Not one person in this world is exactly the way u want them to be; not ur husband, not ur wife, parents and etc - nobody.
So, when this the reality, at least this one person - you - must be the way u want to be. If u r the way u want urself to be, the very natural choice is joy. If u become in tune with ur own basic existence, joyful is the only way u will be.
Soul
This is so familiar. Sound similar to my Osho card for the week.
Sadhguru
Whenever we involve ourselves in what we do, the ugly part is that people get entangled. When they get entangled, they feel ugly within themselves, and they will make sure everybody has a taste of it too.
So, the fundamental of any game is - If u want to play a game, u must have the fire of wanting to win, but also the balance to see that "if I lose, it is okay with me".
You never play a game to lose, u always play a game to win, but if u lose, it is all right with u.
If u maintain this fundamental with every aspect of life, u r a sport. Wherever u r, whatever u r doing, whatever kind of situation u r in, u r still a sport.
"To play is to live, and to live is to play"
Soul
Similar to my take away from the Samurai Game.
Facing my karma in relationship (31) - live with uncertainty
Feb 14
A tot came; Z said "I am the only one that knows about his dream." I am the only one that knows about his life."
I just realised that he doesn't touch people because he is actually a private person and like me, he too has many layers. Perhaps now that he knows about me, he wanted to slow down too. So, give him time. Need not follow my time. I can be impatient.
A tot just came. I recalled I repeatedly told him I only date guys with brain, and he sheepishly said that's not him, he is only average. I wonder if he talks about non-commitment becos of me. He gave me the story of d gal to tell me that I have no worries.
Aiyoh. I just know one thing he does want me. He behaves like a Jack only when he is with me. Other times he is behaves like a mature adult, with other sometimes he crack some jokes. And I knows I want him. Just like I learnt during the swim in the Resort. Just see on what's is here and now, don't have to see the future. What will happen, will happen.
Father, I realised what I lost is just my pride at the moment. I am coming to 44, why do I need to worry about that? Like H said, nearly half lifetime is gone. I just text him. Amen.
Courage is ability to lose. Instead of thinking of I lost, why don't I think it makes him happy to know I want him too.
Found this by Ekhart Tolle in New Earth
As the ego is no longer running your life, the psychological need for external security, which is illusory anyway, lessens. You are able to live with uncertainty, even enjoy it. When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life. It means fear is no longer a dominant factor in what you do and no longer prevents you from taking action to initiate change.
If uncertainty is unacceptable - it turns to fear
If uncertainty is acceptable - it turns into increased aliveness, alertness and creativity.
Soul
Whatever happens, I am initiating change towards my Top 5. And I really want him.
He rejected. At first I took it badly and I said I want out. Having a rship cause more problem. I then stop myself, I just said it is a happy problem, one that I didn't have for many years.
Then a tot came, he can't come cos he is not coming to volunteer meet and he did say we go out separately one day...which means another time. This is not rejection.
Father, my negative tots are so auto. Anyway, I feel better now.
Just rec a text from him. He is giving me his bb pin number so that all my texts to him is free. That's good news, that's means he wants me to text him more. I guess I will also have to open up to him. Mmm, this is like giving me a key to his house, too big a comparison ... but something there.
Late afternoon
Told boss about Z saying that he doesn't want to have a commitment. She roll her eyes and said that we have not even start and we talked about commitment. We are talking about something in future that both parties does not know what will not happen. She asked me to ignore it.
Actually, she is right. We both doesn't know. That's means we both also got an issue. Just like Z's insistence on asking my stand whether I want to commit and here I was worried that he doesn't want to commit.
So, what I know is that we both want each other.
A tot came; Z said "I am the only one that knows about his dream." I am the only one that knows about his life."
I just realised that he doesn't touch people because he is actually a private person and like me, he too has many layers. Perhaps now that he knows about me, he wanted to slow down too. So, give him time. Need not follow my time. I can be impatient.
A tot just came. I recalled I repeatedly told him I only date guys with brain, and he sheepishly said that's not him, he is only average. I wonder if he talks about non-commitment becos of me. He gave me the story of d gal to tell me that I have no worries.
Aiyoh. I just know one thing he does want me. He behaves like a Jack only when he is with me. Other times he is behaves like a mature adult, with other sometimes he crack some jokes. And I knows I want him. Just like I learnt during the swim in the Resort. Just see on what's is here and now, don't have to see the future. What will happen, will happen.
Father, I realised what I lost is just my pride at the moment. I am coming to 44, why do I need to worry about that? Like H said, nearly half lifetime is gone. I just text him. Amen.
Courage is ability to lose. Instead of thinking of I lost, why don't I think it makes him happy to know I want him too.
Found this by Ekhart Tolle in New Earth
As the ego is no longer running your life, the psychological need for external security, which is illusory anyway, lessens. You are able to live with uncertainty, even enjoy it. When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life. It means fear is no longer a dominant factor in what you do and no longer prevents you from taking action to initiate change.
If uncertainty is unacceptable - it turns to fear
If uncertainty is acceptable - it turns into increased aliveness, alertness and creativity.
Soul
Whatever happens, I am initiating change towards my Top 5. And I really want him.
He rejected. At first I took it badly and I said I want out. Having a rship cause more problem. I then stop myself, I just said it is a happy problem, one that I didn't have for many years.
Then a tot came, he can't come cos he is not coming to volunteer meet and he did say we go out separately one day...which means another time. This is not rejection.
Father, my negative tots are so auto. Anyway, I feel better now.
Just rec a text from him. He is giving me his bb pin number so that all my texts to him is free. That's good news, that's means he wants me to text him more. I guess I will also have to open up to him. Mmm, this is like giving me a key to his house, too big a comparison ... but something there.
Late afternoon
Told boss about Z saying that he doesn't want to have a commitment. She roll her eyes and said that we have not even start and we talked about commitment. We are talking about something in future that both parties does not know what will not happen. She asked me to ignore it.
Actually, she is right. We both doesn't know. That's means we both also got an issue. Just like Z's insistence on asking my stand whether I want to commit and here I was worried that he doesn't want to commit.
So, what I know is that we both want each other.
Facing my karma in relationship (30)
Feb 13 Eve
Father, almost everyone said the sathsang was great. For me, I think its just doable as I faltered for a 2 to 3 minutes trying to recall the script. Then I just ignored and do it on my own and it become smooth. Also I didn't watch the dvd, so will do so in future for better preparation.
Earlier I broke the ice and called Z and I knew he welcomed me. Then at sathsang, I noticed that he tried to sit outside my view. Why? Then for dinner, at first we both sit across each other and then we have to split up. Then he didn't make any attempt to chat me up and I am disappointed.
Mmm, head being lowered. But I remind myself this is a happy problem as alas I felt it after such a long dry spell.
Father, I am having doubts again. And I tot if I m feeling this even before it start, then how after we become intimate. Father, this is scary. A tot came, I asked for him in my 2 to 3 months goal, become a famous published author in 2 to 3 years, become a famous transformational speaker in long term and I also pictured Z in it. Z following me when his schedule permit and we were on a plane ride together.
One thing I noticed is that I can speak quite well off the cuff and my voice sounded good. So, looks like me being a Transformational speaker does have merits.
Aiyoh, I miss him but he doesn't miss me.
I called him later and we chatted, the bad feeling is gone. He reiterated to meet up next week. Never mind lah, go slow.
Father, almost everyone said the sathsang was great. For me, I think its just doable as I faltered for a 2 to 3 minutes trying to recall the script. Then I just ignored and do it on my own and it become smooth. Also I didn't watch the dvd, so will do so in future for better preparation.
Earlier I broke the ice and called Z and I knew he welcomed me. Then at sathsang, I noticed that he tried to sit outside my view. Why? Then for dinner, at first we both sit across each other and then we have to split up. Then he didn't make any attempt to chat me up and I am disappointed.
Mmm, head being lowered. But I remind myself this is a happy problem as alas I felt it after such a long dry spell.
Father, I am having doubts again. And I tot if I m feeling this even before it start, then how after we become intimate. Father, this is scary. A tot came, I asked for him in my 2 to 3 months goal, become a famous published author in 2 to 3 years, become a famous transformational speaker in long term and I also pictured Z in it. Z following me when his schedule permit and we were on a plane ride together.
One thing I noticed is that I can speak quite well off the cuff and my voice sounded good. So, looks like me being a Transformational speaker does have merits.
Aiyoh, I miss him but he doesn't miss me.
I called him later and we chatted, the bad feeling is gone. He reiterated to meet up next week. Never mind lah, go slow.
Receptivity - being open (2)
Feb 13
Father, the course is over.
I have another realisation. The right mantra should be;
"To be able to lose means to Live" and not "To lose means to live"
So, just like in the office, be a Win Win situation. So, good place for everyone.
So, my song this morning is still valid; If I can't have u, I don't want u, baby.
Afternoon
The trainers told me that they were impressed with me since day one. They said I am a good negotiator and an honourable one too.
Father, I love U. I will share my experience today. A miraculous recovery for me to able to love him again after 30 odd years.
I just realised that this is a first swim I had since the recovery. So, perhaps both, me and also the stones. They were calling out to me. Today I was swimming effortlessly round the four corners of the pool without stopping. I just focused on the stone below me, didn't think of the distance. Amazing.
A tot came, my body can now moved to any type of music. Previously, only to isha music and I tot its becos of isha. But now, any music so that's means my body has become more receptive. And listening to any music is such a joy. I used to experience joy in the pool and now anywhere as long as there is music. I need not close eyes or focus, it just happen by itself.
The corner section of the pool, near the stone section called out to me. When I stayed there and float, suddenly I felt a wave of sadness, I was crying, then a wave of laughter, followed by singing. I felt their energy very strongly. I promised them that I will be back.
After I was done, I swam and I stopped when I saw this single white rock. I picked it up and its here with me now.
In the final lap, which I didn't plan to make. I was dancing with the water, with the stone. Amazing.
Suddenly a tot occurred to me, just like what Sadhguru says, if u receptive, u can connect with Energy anywhere, not just in Ashram or Himalaya.
For me, I can connect with water and now stone. Amen.
Suddenly I tot of Z and I laughed. He must be feeling more dismayed than me after our sharing. In his ernesty to breakthru my doors, he inadvertently open his. And his doors are far more 'private' than mine.
Yea, he can say I am not in his mind, and he doesn't miss me, he doesn't want any commitment but just my body but he has broken all "not to" and has exposed all his inner doors to me. He is smart, so by now he knows what he has done as he is now very vulnerable. Wonder how will he pull it back so he has an upper standing vs me. He doesn't want to lose.
Everytime he says nope he doesn't want me, he got deeper with me. Now I can see it as I am able to lose. When u don't mind losing, somehow there is more clarity as u know see it more objectively. No wonder I can see it. I will just be my loving self with him. I don't care what others think and even if I lose in the end, also doesn't matter cos I have lived.
Sadhguru
When we live with certain limitations, life imposes its own limitations. Only within yourself when u live without any limitations, life opens up its bounty for u.
When u approach life, if u r able to become nothing, something very small, u will have become a wonderful human being.
Soul
Similar to my mantra; To lose is to Live!
Father, why I felt a grab if people call me Aka, especially the chinese one. The indians I don't mind cos that's their language. Ah ha, I know. To me, if the chinese call me Aka, that's mean they think I am indian...really quite racist me.
Father, the course is over.
I have another realisation. The right mantra should be;
"To be able to lose means to Live" and not "To lose means to live"
So, just like in the office, be a Win Win situation. So, good place for everyone.
So, my song this morning is still valid; If I can't have u, I don't want u, baby.
Afternoon
The trainers told me that they were impressed with me since day one. They said I am a good negotiator and an honourable one too.
Father, I love U. I will share my experience today. A miraculous recovery for me to able to love him again after 30 odd years.
I just realised that this is a first swim I had since the recovery. So, perhaps both, me and also the stones. They were calling out to me. Today I was swimming effortlessly round the four corners of the pool without stopping. I just focused on the stone below me, didn't think of the distance. Amazing.
A tot came, my body can now moved to any type of music. Previously, only to isha music and I tot its becos of isha. But now, any music so that's means my body has become more receptive. And listening to any music is such a joy. I used to experience joy in the pool and now anywhere as long as there is music. I need not close eyes or focus, it just happen by itself.
The corner section of the pool, near the stone section called out to me. When I stayed there and float, suddenly I felt a wave of sadness, I was crying, then a wave of laughter, followed by singing. I felt their energy very strongly. I promised them that I will be back.
After I was done, I swam and I stopped when I saw this single white rock. I picked it up and its here with me now.
In the final lap, which I didn't plan to make. I was dancing with the water, with the stone. Amazing.
Suddenly a tot occurred to me, just like what Sadhguru says, if u receptive, u can connect with Energy anywhere, not just in Ashram or Himalaya.
For me, I can connect with water and now stone. Amen.
Suddenly I tot of Z and I laughed. He must be feeling more dismayed than me after our sharing. In his ernesty to breakthru my doors, he inadvertently open his. And his doors are far more 'private' than mine.
Yea, he can say I am not in his mind, and he doesn't miss me, he doesn't want any commitment but just my body but he has broken all "not to" and has exposed all his inner doors to me. He is smart, so by now he knows what he has done as he is now very vulnerable. Wonder how will he pull it back so he has an upper standing vs me. He doesn't want to lose.
Everytime he says nope he doesn't want me, he got deeper with me. Now I can see it as I am able to lose. When u don't mind losing, somehow there is more clarity as u know see it more objectively. No wonder I can see it. I will just be my loving self with him. I don't care what others think and even if I lose in the end, also doesn't matter cos I have lived.
Sadhguru
When we live with certain limitations, life imposes its own limitations. Only within yourself when u live without any limitations, life opens up its bounty for u.
When u approach life, if u r able to become nothing, something very small, u will have become a wonderful human being.
Soul
Similar to my mantra; To lose is to Live!
Father, why I felt a grab if people call me Aka, especially the chinese one. The indians I don't mind cos that's their language. Ah ha, I know. To me, if the chinese call me Aka, that's mean they think I am indian...really quite racist me.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Facing my karma in relationship (29) - to lose is to live
Feb 12
Father, I just text him to come. I am no longer afraid to lose. Once u r no longer afraid, u have courage.
They say courage exists when there is fear.
I also know that when I am afraid, I freezes.
Once I did the text, I felt bit apprehensive. Then a tot came, it is ok to lose. Then I realised that with Z the possibility is double loss. I felt lose if he didn't reply or if he says no cos that's 'rejection and I felt lose if he wants to come cos then I lost to him.
After that, I tot fine, I will be dead but at least I played the game. Once I says that, immediately the feeling apprehension is gone. So, when I received his reply with a rejection with smile. I replied in kind with a smile and cheer. Father, this is amazing. I also want to thank U. Whenever I reach my end and I wanted to flight, U always send someone or something to gave me motivation to stay on.
And then when Z and I finally open up and he says he wanted a relationship without any commitment, I wanted to flight. And here U send me Samurai Game. The only thing I did was to stop running and at times makes some move and U did the rest.
(Mar 21 - Recently, he told me that he really wanted to join me when I text him but he could not make it.)
Best of all U send Z who stood by me. I don't know what's tomorrow but what I knew was he pushed me to open up all my doors and stood by me. Somewhere, somehow something made him stayed on even though he wanted to turn away from me. It must be U.
I only have this mantra;
"To lose is to live!"
The ability to lose is the courage I need.
I want him because I want to transform myself.
I want him because I want him.
I want him because he is a diamond
I want him because he is the partner I dream off that I tot could never happen. His ability to be open and vulnerable with me.
Suddenly I recalled what he says. He saw a gal he has emotion for, then he plan for how to get her to bed. Emotion, mental, physical. In his ernest to get me to bed, he forgot to protect his own vulnerability. Of course, I am sure he now 'hits' himself.
In the end, he is afraid to lose, like me too. And he has more reason to fear loss. For me, no reason. And its perfect as my life lesson is the ability to lose.
Amen.
Father, I just text him to come. I am no longer afraid to lose. Once u r no longer afraid, u have courage.
They say courage exists when there is fear.
I also know that when I am afraid, I freezes.
Once I did the text, I felt bit apprehensive. Then a tot came, it is ok to lose. Then I realised that with Z the possibility is double loss. I felt lose if he didn't reply or if he says no cos that's 'rejection and I felt lose if he wants to come cos then I lost to him.
After that, I tot fine, I will be dead but at least I played the game. Once I says that, immediately the feeling apprehension is gone. So, when I received his reply with a rejection with smile. I replied in kind with a smile and cheer. Father, this is amazing. I also want to thank U. Whenever I reach my end and I wanted to flight, U always send someone or something to gave me motivation to stay on.
And then when Z and I finally open up and he says he wanted a relationship without any commitment, I wanted to flight. And here U send me Samurai Game. The only thing I did was to stop running and at times makes some move and U did the rest.
(Mar 21 - Recently, he told me that he really wanted to join me when I text him but he could not make it.)
Best of all U send Z who stood by me. I don't know what's tomorrow but what I knew was he pushed me to open up all my doors and stood by me. Somewhere, somehow something made him stayed on even though he wanted to turn away from me. It must be U.
I only have this mantra;
"To lose is to live!"
The ability to lose is the courage I need.
I want him because I want to transform myself.
I want him because I want him.
I want him because he is a diamond
I want him because he is the partner I dream off that I tot could never happen. His ability to be open and vulnerable with me.
Suddenly I recalled what he says. He saw a gal he has emotion for, then he plan for how to get her to bed. Emotion, mental, physical. In his ernest to get me to bed, he forgot to protect his own vulnerability. Of course, I am sure he now 'hits' himself.
In the end, he is afraid to lose, like me too. And he has more reason to fear loss. For me, no reason. And its perfect as my life lesson is the ability to lose.
Amen.
Facing my karma in relationship (28) - running
Feb 11
Woke up and before meditation
Father, I think I am on the right track. It is ok to end it. I guess the amazing interaction we had was the finale.
At the end, he is a cold man, things doesn't reach his heart. Me, am a warm woman.
Now I realised the Friendliness card meant, meditate, blissful, love + enjoy while u r and end when u r not. No drama required.
To continue with him would have drama. To continue with him would defeat my new mantra of effortless love and effortless life.
When I am keen, I become warm and I love to touch. Being physical is an expression of my love. It is unrealistic for me to expect myself to go through. Just end it like he suggested. We r like 2 ships that passed through the night.
He said he only now realised that. So that's means physical just an act, his emotion is not involved as confirmed by his story.
I am loved, loving and lovable and I need not accept a person that is not the same, that doesn't appreciate me. Amen.
If I can't have u totally, why start. Especially when u told me that u r so strong and won't change ur mind. Here I was thinking a one session will do that when a one full year session doesn't even stirred u. I need not settle for less.
No shame in being wrong. He tot I was attracted to his clothing, he was wrong. His clothing was lousily coordinated despite being so expensive.
I tot he was attracted to me as he always observed me, turns out he only likes to see me being connected to the Source. Guess he is envious of that and perhaps tot that having me can gain access to the Source.
If I can't have everything of u, I don't want u. If u don't want everything of me, then u can't have me too. I am a package deal person. I deserve everything, not just morsels like what I used to think. No more. I am lovable and my partner will come. I need not settle for morsel, I need no go thru fire to prepare myself for my partner. My main thing is just to do my body - dancing and scuba diving and getting lassik
After meditation
I was laughing and singing in my meditation and this song came;
If I can't have u, I don't want u baby....
So, I knew its fine. I deserved all,
Woke up and before meditation
Father, I think I am on the right track. It is ok to end it. I guess the amazing interaction we had was the finale.
At the end, he is a cold man, things doesn't reach his heart. Me, am a warm woman.
Now I realised the Friendliness card meant, meditate, blissful, love + enjoy while u r and end when u r not. No drama required.
To continue with him would have drama. To continue with him would defeat my new mantra of effortless love and effortless life.
When I am keen, I become warm and I love to touch. Being physical is an expression of my love. It is unrealistic for me to expect myself to go through. Just end it like he suggested. We r like 2 ships that passed through the night.
He said he only now realised that. So that's means physical just an act, his emotion is not involved as confirmed by his story.
I am loved, loving and lovable and I need not accept a person that is not the same, that doesn't appreciate me. Amen.
If I can't have u totally, why start. Especially when u told me that u r so strong and won't change ur mind. Here I was thinking a one session will do that when a one full year session doesn't even stirred u. I need not settle for less.
No shame in being wrong. He tot I was attracted to his clothing, he was wrong. His clothing was lousily coordinated despite being so expensive.
I tot he was attracted to me as he always observed me, turns out he only likes to see me being connected to the Source. Guess he is envious of that and perhaps tot that having me can gain access to the Source.
If I can't have everything of u, I don't want u. If u don't want everything of me, then u can't have me too. I am a package deal person. I deserve everything, not just morsels like what I used to think. No more. I am lovable and my partner will come. I need not settle for morsel, I need no go thru fire to prepare myself for my partner. My main thing is just to do my body - dancing and scuba diving and getting lassik
After meditation
I was laughing and singing in my meditation and this song came;
If I can't have u, I don't want u baby....
So, I knew its fine. I deserved all,
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Cosmic Lesson (7)
Feb 10 Eve 2
Evening
Just came back from the preliminary training briefing. He asked if there were last 24hours, what would I be doing. First tot was me writing response to comments on website. Second tot was having a heart to heart session with my partner, but I already done it yday.
Why I join the training? I know what I want, but it is not easy. It will take courage. Where did my courage gone to? How can I bring it back.
Then a tot came to me on my issue, bloody hell, the challenge has doubled. Just when I tot I nearly overcome my fear, u gave me a double shot. I have to face the challenge with a guy that says he will abandon me anytime.
Father, why lah?? Why double. I tot of my past. Nope I am not going back there. My love life is effortless, why do I need to choose to overcome a double challenge. There is nothing to prove. Why can't I wait for the right guy? Why do I need to take this lesson! The logical step is to walk away.
I proceed earlier cos I tot he was keen on me but since he isn't. There is no reason to continue. We can just be like the stranger that passed through the night. And at the end, I valued yday so much, even more than the physical. And if he can't even value it, there is no reason to continue.
As for his call for scuba dive, was for me to rendezvous with him. I tot it was because he wanted to share his interest. Looks like he already had the intention even from day one. And that is still without no liking. He was just looking for an outlet for his own release. I was just one of the many.
Father, my love life is effortless. And this one is not even a partner issue as he doesn't even has me in his mind. I don't have to pursue this. I can just drop it. He is a diamond but he is not mine.
A tot came, m I coming from fear?
An answer. Why am I afraid of walking away? Don't I trust that there will be someone else. Why do I need to jump in just because I am asked. He totally has no feeling for me and he said that if I cannot handle, we should not start. Yday, I said I want to. But now, why set myself up. Why don't I just say no. So, what if he abandoned me. I like him but he doesn't, he just want to have fun.
Yea, I recalled the korean drama. He truly supported her and was her soil.
My love life is effortless. So I need not pursue to change my physical status just to get ready for partner. My partner will understand and I can already flow. So, I need not take up the offer. Yea loh, why such drama? He doesn't, doesn't lah, I need not prolong it. So, what if we shared all the intimate chat, if he doesn't even value it, I need not also.
My love life is effortless. I need no go through such challenge. For now, I know I already can respond and I can do dancing. So, just go for dancing. I need not challenged myself. I need not prove myself. My transformation is to go with the flow......
To accept his rejection. To walk away knowing that my lovability is intact.
A sigh of relief! Let me valued the child in me. Just go for dancing. I already am ready, just wait for my partner, need not take a guy who doesn't even like me, doesn't value me, who wants to bed me and even had the gall to offer another guy to me.
Yea, I am fine. So what if he abandon me. He doesn't have me nor I him.
I will meditate and be blissful, my partner will come. Z was a false start.
I tot of going out again with Z. But a tot came, why start the drama, he already says he doesn't like u and he also said he is strong and won't change his mind. Use the energy on my writing.
So, tell him. I tot u like me and I want to explore further. But now that u don't, there is no need to go further. For u, its just a form of release, for me, it is an act of love. And I don't have the urgency nor feel desperate to change the status quo. U r projecting ur issue to me. I recalled Sadhguru says, when u can't have joy, you aim for pleasure.
I need not accept the challenge. My love life will be effortless and it is up to me to make it so by not accepting unnecessary challenges.
He and I are at different phase.
I have learnt me lesson, it is ok to be rejected. So, what if he doesn't like me or appreciate me, it doesn't affect my lovability.
He has helped me by explaining to me about the mixed signal. In future I will handle it.
Also yday sharing has cleansed up everything in our closet. So, that could be the finale.
He will understand. I will ask him, if I were his friend, would he ask me to take up the offer. I will tell him that taking up the offer will affect my joy. I don't want to risk it.
Evening
Just came back from the preliminary training briefing. He asked if there were last 24hours, what would I be doing. First tot was me writing response to comments on website. Second tot was having a heart to heart session with my partner, but I already done it yday.
Why I join the training? I know what I want, but it is not easy. It will take courage. Where did my courage gone to? How can I bring it back.
Then a tot came to me on my issue, bloody hell, the challenge has doubled. Just when I tot I nearly overcome my fear, u gave me a double shot. I have to face the challenge with a guy that says he will abandon me anytime.
Father, why lah?? Why double. I tot of my past. Nope I am not going back there. My love life is effortless, why do I need to choose to overcome a double challenge. There is nothing to prove. Why can't I wait for the right guy? Why do I need to take this lesson! The logical step is to walk away.
I proceed earlier cos I tot he was keen on me but since he isn't. There is no reason to continue. We can just be like the stranger that passed through the night. And at the end, I valued yday so much, even more than the physical. And if he can't even value it, there is no reason to continue.
As for his call for scuba dive, was for me to rendezvous with him. I tot it was because he wanted to share his interest. Looks like he already had the intention even from day one. And that is still without no liking. He was just looking for an outlet for his own release. I was just one of the many.
Father, my love life is effortless. And this one is not even a partner issue as he doesn't even has me in his mind. I don't have to pursue this. I can just drop it. He is a diamond but he is not mine.
A tot came, m I coming from fear?
An answer. Why am I afraid of walking away? Don't I trust that there will be someone else. Why do I need to jump in just because I am asked. He totally has no feeling for me and he said that if I cannot handle, we should not start. Yday, I said I want to. But now, why set myself up. Why don't I just say no. So, what if he abandoned me. I like him but he doesn't, he just want to have fun.
Yea, I recalled the korean drama. He truly supported her and was her soil.
My love life is effortless. So I need not pursue to change my physical status just to get ready for partner. My partner will understand and I can already flow. So, I need not take up the offer. Yea loh, why such drama? He doesn't, doesn't lah, I need not prolong it. So, what if we shared all the intimate chat, if he doesn't even value it, I need not also.
My love life is effortless. I need no go through such challenge. For now, I know I already can respond and I can do dancing. So, just go for dancing. I need not challenged myself. I need not prove myself. My transformation is to go with the flow......
To accept his rejection. To walk away knowing that my lovability is intact.
A sigh of relief! Let me valued the child in me. Just go for dancing. I already am ready, just wait for my partner, need not take a guy who doesn't even like me, doesn't value me, who wants to bed me and even had the gall to offer another guy to me.
Yea, I am fine. So what if he abandon me. He doesn't have me nor I him.
I will meditate and be blissful, my partner will come. Z was a false start.
I tot of going out again with Z. But a tot came, why start the drama, he already says he doesn't like u and he also said he is strong and won't change his mind. Use the energy on my writing.
So, tell him. I tot u like me and I want to explore further. But now that u don't, there is no need to go further. For u, its just a form of release, for me, it is an act of love. And I don't have the urgency nor feel desperate to change the status quo. U r projecting ur issue to me. I recalled Sadhguru says, when u can't have joy, you aim for pleasure.
I need not accept the challenge. My love life will be effortless and it is up to me to make it so by not accepting unnecessary challenges.
He and I are at different phase.
I have learnt me lesson, it is ok to be rejected. So, what if he doesn't like me or appreciate me, it doesn't affect my lovability.
He has helped me by explaining to me about the mixed signal. In future I will handle it.
Also yday sharing has cleansed up everything in our closet. So, that could be the finale.
He will understand. I will ask him, if I were his friend, would he ask me to take up the offer. I will tell him that taking up the offer will affect my joy. I don't want to risk it.
Cosmic Lesson (6)
Feb 10 Eve
Father, the pool was great. I just wade in and I was laughing non stop. Then I swam, I was swimming so effortlessly. I was swimming so slowly. Just floating, the feet barely moved, just my arm wading the water. After every lap, I was laughing, singing and dancing.
Father, I am safe. When I was swimming, I suddenly had a tot of how to go into this deal safely. I wanted the deal to proceed but I need to a safe exit cos I know I need some protection. So, I know, for the initiation, I would come here. It has a resort feel and the pool is very energetic. Just a one-off session will do and then we will do a cut-off.
When things have settled down, we will continue our friendship but without the intimacy. Who knows, I will be as receptive and adventurous in sex as I am in meditation. Both also I have never tries before, but I fell into it. Just like V pesters me for it, Z is also pestering me into it. And I myself also wanted to break free of the long hidden door. Perhaps the timing is right, when the student is ready, teacher comes. It was such a coincidence that I finally cleared the way with brother.
Father, I had some imagination of him not willing to let me go. I just drop the tot, need to move on. He said I am not in his mind and he doesn't miss me at all.
Tot of E. Who knows, as I didn't change my Vision Book. I wonder whether Z knows that what we shared yesterday is something amazing, its not an everyday event. If he doesn't realise that, its his loss.
And coincidentally after yday amazing incident which I broke through all my doors together with Z, tomorrow I will be attending a self realisation course.
Father, the pool was great. I just wade in and I was laughing non stop. Then I swam, I was swimming so effortlessly. I was swimming so slowly. Just floating, the feet barely moved, just my arm wading the water. After every lap, I was laughing, singing and dancing.
Father, I am safe. When I was swimming, I suddenly had a tot of how to go into this deal safely. I wanted the deal to proceed but I need to a safe exit cos I know I need some protection. So, I know, for the initiation, I would come here. It has a resort feel and the pool is very energetic. Just a one-off session will do and then we will do a cut-off.
When things have settled down, we will continue our friendship but without the intimacy. Who knows, I will be as receptive and adventurous in sex as I am in meditation. Both also I have never tries before, but I fell into it. Just like V pesters me for it, Z is also pestering me into it. And I myself also wanted to break free of the long hidden door. Perhaps the timing is right, when the student is ready, teacher comes. It was such a coincidence that I finally cleared the way with brother.
Father, I had some imagination of him not willing to let me go. I just drop the tot, need to move on. He said I am not in his mind and he doesn't miss me at all.
Tot of E. Who knows, as I didn't change my Vision Book. I wonder whether Z knows that what we shared yesterday is something amazing, its not an everyday event. If he doesn't realise that, its his loss.
And coincidentally after yday amazing incident which I broke through all my doors together with Z, tomorrow I will be attending a self realisation course.
Facing my karma in relationship (27) - pain
Feb 10 Aft
Soul
Was having tots of yesterday 3 hours of intense conversation, covering our dreams, fantasy, past, our reaction towards each other. Was giving myself hope that Z wanted to be my partner. Anyway, I dashed it. His Jack of Diamond states that he has the upper hand in relationship. He can be involved with a person physically and be emotionally detached. To him physical and emotion are two different matters.
I will remember he is just a good friend who wants to be my Sex Therapist because he wants to be happily married to another man.
1. The Issue
Slowing down
It is a time when u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about yourself or other people and to take responsibility for any illusions you might have been carrying.
There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who u r right now.
If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is, and u r able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already home.
Soul
My illusion that Z wanted to be my committed partner. He just want to be non-commital sex therapist.
There goes my little hope of valentine gift.
I don't need to do anything now. Infact he more excited about it than me.
I have courageously open up all my doors to Z.
2. Internal Influence
Transformation
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity".
Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And, like death, it takes u from one dimension into other.
Soul
About me accepting Z's ultimatum of no commitment but is willing to be my sex therapist and friend.
Soul
Was having tots of yesterday 3 hours of intense conversation, covering our dreams, fantasy, past, our reaction towards each other. Was giving myself hope that Z wanted to be my partner. Anyway, I dashed it. His Jack of Diamond states that he has the upper hand in relationship. He can be involved with a person physically and be emotionally detached. To him physical and emotion are two different matters.
I will remember he is just a good friend who wants to be my Sex Therapist because he wants to be happily married to another man.
1. The Issue
Slowing down
It is a time when u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about yourself or other people and to take responsibility for any illusions you might have been carrying.
There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who u r right now.
If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is, and u r able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already home.
Soul
My illusion that Z wanted to be my committed partner. He just want to be non-commital sex therapist.
There goes my little hope of valentine gift.
I don't need to do anything now. Infact he more excited about it than me.
I have courageously open up all my doors to Z.
2. Internal Influence
Transformation
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity".
Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And, like death, it takes u from one dimension into other.
Soul
About me accepting Z's ultimatum of no commitment but is willing to be my sex therapist and friend.
Facing my karma in relationship (26) - courage
Feb 10
Father, amazing nite. We spoke for 3 hours yesterday.
I am not sure if I can go thru with this relationship. He offers a relationship without any commitment, just companionship. Really unknown.
Suddenly tot of the Courage card needed to go thru Unknown. Inner was Transformation. What to do was - Creator, using passion to transform.
Resolution - release of all suppression.
So, I have to go through with this.
What I know is I am taking this becos it is part of my destiny, breaking through my limitation, my fear.
What I know is that my practices will help me to stay focus
What I know is I have a real thing. I dreamt of someone helping me to overcome my issue. Someone that understand. The only thing is that he is not in love with me, he is only doing this to help me, he can walk out any time.
What I know is that Z is a real diamond that is not mine. And he said that I am not in his mind and he doesn't miss me.
However, the fact that he was affected by me, the fact that he was triggered and he said he wanted to walk off. The fact that to him, I made him 'angry'. He do care for me and he will stop it if he finds that I cannot handle it.
Aiyoh, really scary. But I know that God is helping me. Without boss's intervention, I couldn't have come to this stage.
Just finished meditation. I was disappointed that he didn't want to be my potential partner and he just want to have sex with me. He is a good friend who volunteer to be my Sexual therapist because he cares for me and wants me to be happily married to another man.
I need not have to go all the way, I just want to test if I can respond sexually.
What a turn of event. Perhaps this is the best way to break my fear. A partner will have his own insecurities and would not be able to do this with me.
Because Z is not in love with me, he can help me to break free of my sexual issue. Amen.
So is a perfect solution.
Father, amazing nite. We spoke for 3 hours yesterday.
I am not sure if I can go thru with this relationship. He offers a relationship without any commitment, just companionship. Really unknown.
Suddenly tot of the Courage card needed to go thru Unknown. Inner was Transformation. What to do was - Creator, using passion to transform.
Resolution - release of all suppression.
So, I have to go through with this.
What I know is I am taking this becos it is part of my destiny, breaking through my limitation, my fear.
What I know is that my practices will help me to stay focus
What I know is I have a real thing. I dreamt of someone helping me to overcome my issue. Someone that understand. The only thing is that he is not in love with me, he is only doing this to help me, he can walk out any time.
What I know is that Z is a real diamond that is not mine. And he said that I am not in his mind and he doesn't miss me.
However, the fact that he was affected by me, the fact that he was triggered and he said he wanted to walk off. The fact that to him, I made him 'angry'. He do care for me and he will stop it if he finds that I cannot handle it.
Aiyoh, really scary. But I know that God is helping me. Without boss's intervention, I couldn't have come to this stage.
Just finished meditation. I was disappointed that he didn't want to be my potential partner and he just want to have sex with me. He is a good friend who volunteer to be my Sexual therapist because he cares for me and wants me to be happily married to another man.
I need not have to go all the way, I just want to test if I can respond sexually.
What a turn of event. Perhaps this is the best way to break my fear. A partner will have his own insecurities and would not be able to do this with me.
Because Z is not in love with me, he can help me to break free of my sexual issue. Amen.
So is a perfect solution.
Facing my karma in relationship (25) - breakthru
Feb 9 Aft
Father, just had a chat with boss. She asked about Z and I shared with her.
I told her that I m in a period of uncertainty. I know Z likes me but I think not as much as I like him.
I told her about Z always asking me the personal question; "Why am I not married?" to "Why don't I want to settle down?". He asked it everytime we meet. I told boss that I either ignored it and infact told him bluntly that we are not that close, so I can't tell him. The latest was I told him that relationship is uncertain, so I don't go into it.
Luckily, I was saved by the call from his brother or I will self jeopardize myself.
She also said that Z is definitely interested in me for him to ask me so many times. Z wanted to be sure that I want to settle down. He don't want to waste his time going out with someone that doesn't want to settle down.
I told her that Z's plan is to be settled by early 2012 and he gave himself 1 year for the relationship. So, that further confirmed her assessment.
Boss said Z is very brave to put himself up for rejection. I could have just said nope and that would be the end. Boss said she is puzzled on why I was defensive.
Boss said this is a good man. There are many men, but very few good man and I should keep him. I told her that I saw his value and I know he is good. Boss said that I have not open up to Z, the way he had. And infact, Z should feel more uncertain than me. He should be the one calling it off instead of me.
Boss said that once I tell Z that I am interested in settling down then the relationship will progress and not in stale mate like now. I was the one who is keeping it on stale mate, not Z.
I told her I did tell him that I like him and want to do things together. He responded by asking me again on "settling down" again. He asked why I don't want to settle down. He even said that he thinks I don't want to settle down. When I asked why he thinks that, he replied he doesn't know 'why'. Boss said this confirmed that he is definitely interested in me.
Earlier I tot is was because firstly he was fooling around, teasing me. Secondly I tot he was just being a busybody, invading my privacy.
Boss told me that uncertainty is the base of relationship. If I can't stand uncertainty, how to have relationship.
Father, Z really like me. I am now feeling love for myself. I have just text Z that I want to call him tonite.
Now I believed that there is a bigger possibility for me to have a relationship with Z.
Now I have more confidence of my card for the day;
King of Heart
Brings success in dealing with our own emotions, success with the public, artistic field and romantic success in one form or another.
For ladies, the King of Hearts represents the perfect lover or companion and so it often indicates having an enjoyable sexual relationship or in some cases, marriage.
Soul
I now know it is possible. Amen. Thank U.
I also recalled another thing. I asked Z how he shows his love, he said through eye contact.
(Soul - yea..he always asked me to open my eyes...)
I recalled when we were having dinner. He was watching me, saying that I looked hot. He noticed I avoided his gaze and he asked me to look into his eyes. Father, I even asked him to change topic as he is making me blush. Aiyoh.
I also told boss that Z said a few times that he wants to break away all my doors as I keep on saying that I can't answer him because he hasn't reach the inner door. Boss said that shows he is keen on me, otherwise he wouldn't be breaking the doors.
Like boss says, Z should be the one running off, not me.
(Mar 19 - when i called him, he said he would have given up on me if I haven't call him. He has enough of my yo yo. I am giving him 'hell'!)
Father, just had a chat with boss. She asked about Z and I shared with her.
I told her that I m in a period of uncertainty. I know Z likes me but I think not as much as I like him.
I told her about Z always asking me the personal question; "Why am I not married?" to "Why don't I want to settle down?". He asked it everytime we meet. I told boss that I either ignored it and infact told him bluntly that we are not that close, so I can't tell him. The latest was I told him that relationship is uncertain, so I don't go into it.
Luckily, I was saved by the call from his brother or I will self jeopardize myself.
She also said that Z is definitely interested in me for him to ask me so many times. Z wanted to be sure that I want to settle down. He don't want to waste his time going out with someone that doesn't want to settle down.
I told her that Z's plan is to be settled by early 2012 and he gave himself 1 year for the relationship. So, that further confirmed her assessment.
Boss said Z is very brave to put himself up for rejection. I could have just said nope and that would be the end. Boss said she is puzzled on why I was defensive.
Boss said this is a good man. There are many men, but very few good man and I should keep him. I told her that I saw his value and I know he is good. Boss said that I have not open up to Z, the way he had. And infact, Z should feel more uncertain than me. He should be the one calling it off instead of me.
Boss said that once I tell Z that I am interested in settling down then the relationship will progress and not in stale mate like now. I was the one who is keeping it on stale mate, not Z.
I told her I did tell him that I like him and want to do things together. He responded by asking me again on "settling down" again. He asked why I don't want to settle down. He even said that he thinks I don't want to settle down. When I asked why he thinks that, he replied he doesn't know 'why'. Boss said this confirmed that he is definitely interested in me.
Earlier I tot is was because firstly he was fooling around, teasing me. Secondly I tot he was just being a busybody, invading my privacy.
Boss told me that uncertainty is the base of relationship. If I can't stand uncertainty, how to have relationship.
Father, Z really like me. I am now feeling love for myself. I have just text Z that I want to call him tonite.
Now I believed that there is a bigger possibility for me to have a relationship with Z.
Now I have more confidence of my card for the day;
King of Heart
Brings success in dealing with our own emotions, success with the public, artistic field and romantic success in one form or another.
For ladies, the King of Hearts represents the perfect lover or companion and so it often indicates having an enjoyable sexual relationship or in some cases, marriage.
Soul
I now know it is possible. Amen. Thank U.
I also recalled another thing. I asked Z how he shows his love, he said through eye contact.
(Soul - yea..he always asked me to open my eyes...)
I recalled when we were having dinner. He was watching me, saying that I looked hot. He noticed I avoided his gaze and he asked me to look into his eyes. Father, I even asked him to change topic as he is making me blush. Aiyoh.
I also told boss that Z said a few times that he wants to break away all my doors as I keep on saying that I can't answer him because he hasn't reach the inner door. Boss said that shows he is keen on me, otherwise he wouldn't be breaking the doors.
Like boss says, Z should be the one running off, not me.
(Mar 19 - when i called him, he said he would have given up on me if I haven't call him. He has enough of my yo yo. I am giving him 'hell'!)
Facing my karma in relationship (24)
Feb 9
Father, he replied with a smile after 1 hour. Anyway, I was sleeping by then.
I tot why spend so much time on him. He is in my mind loads and part of me resent it cos I know I am not in his. And yet I can't get rid of him. The old me would do a self jeopardy just to end it.
Hey, having a loving husband is in my Top 5 list, so its fine I am spending time on him. Intention and Attention but without Tension, that's my motto.
I now realised whenever I seek him to give him love, I am fine if I can't get his response. But if I seek him to extract love then I be bad if I can't get him.
Sadhguru's message of give joyously if u want to give. Don't discriminate or judge as the sun shines on all. And this reaffirm the earlier message from the Passion Test, Jay Abraham that says if u want love give love.
So, learn 2 things that I need to do.
1. Seek him only when I want to give love
2. When I give love, give joyously, forget about his reciprocation, if any.
To do that I need trust in the Universe for the messages I have received.
The Passion Test
Stephen M R Covey
Trust is a great form of motivation of releasing talent, energy, passion;
of releasing ur own energy and passion by being trusted and also by extending trust to other people.
Today card
King of Hearts
Being the highest card in the suit of love, rules through love, compassion and wisdom. He has all the power and knowledge of love and knows how to use it, thus when this card appears, it gives u the opportunity to have more control over ur feelings and romantic impulses. This will bring more success in all ur personal relationships.
For the ladies, it represents the perfect lover or companion.
Soul
Sounds good. Will see. First tot was Z seeing me today. 2nd tot is that it may not happen but I definitely talk to him tonite.
The Samurai Game
Each player to adopt an attitude of service of the sort that was at the core of being a Samurai - service to teammates (clan), service to leader (daimyo), service to a personal idea or code of ethics.
Also each player was to serve all opponents by respectfully bringing the best of self to every contest - regardless of outcome. In so doing, each contestant would have the potential to generate similar attitudes in opponents.
Soul
Being the best of self even with opponents. And here I am not even being my best self with Z. If I be my best self, there is a potential that Z will also be his best self.
Talking to Sh gives me back my original purpose. My target audience are thinkers who can apply knowledge on themselves.
My forte is filtering and I gave the gist of learnings from each book. That was my purpose.
I need to do 2 facebook:
1. One for my comments on books.
2. One for my tots of the day??
Father, he replied with a smile after 1 hour. Anyway, I was sleeping by then.
I tot why spend so much time on him. He is in my mind loads and part of me resent it cos I know I am not in his. And yet I can't get rid of him. The old me would do a self jeopardy just to end it.
Hey, having a loving husband is in my Top 5 list, so its fine I am spending time on him. Intention and Attention but without Tension, that's my motto.
I now realised whenever I seek him to give him love, I am fine if I can't get his response. But if I seek him to extract love then I be bad if I can't get him.
Sadhguru's message of give joyously if u want to give. Don't discriminate or judge as the sun shines on all. And this reaffirm the earlier message from the Passion Test, Jay Abraham that says if u want love give love.
So, learn 2 things that I need to do.
1. Seek him only when I want to give love
2. When I give love, give joyously, forget about his reciprocation, if any.
To do that I need trust in the Universe for the messages I have received.
The Passion Test
Stephen M R Covey
Trust is a great form of motivation of releasing talent, energy, passion;
of releasing ur own energy and passion by being trusted and also by extending trust to other people.
Today card
King of Hearts
Being the highest card in the suit of love, rules through love, compassion and wisdom. He has all the power and knowledge of love and knows how to use it, thus when this card appears, it gives u the opportunity to have more control over ur feelings and romantic impulses. This will bring more success in all ur personal relationships.
For the ladies, it represents the perfect lover or companion.
Soul
Sounds good. Will see. First tot was Z seeing me today. 2nd tot is that it may not happen but I definitely talk to him tonite.
The Samurai Game
Each player to adopt an attitude of service of the sort that was at the core of being a Samurai - service to teammates (clan), service to leader (daimyo), service to a personal idea or code of ethics.
Also each player was to serve all opponents by respectfully bringing the best of self to every contest - regardless of outcome. In so doing, each contestant would have the potential to generate similar attitudes in opponents.
Soul
Being the best of self even with opponents. And here I am not even being my best self with Z. If I be my best self, there is a potential that Z will also be his best self.
Talking to Sh gives me back my original purpose. My target audience are thinkers who can apply knowledge on themselves.
My forte is filtering and I gave the gist of learnings from each book. That was my purpose.
I need to do 2 facebook:
1. One for my comments on books.
2. One for my tots of the day??
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Samyama is a good tool (8)
Feb 8 Eve
Father, take Z as an icon. Both he and MF, a Seven of Spades still dreams on despite having so many setbacks. MF in terms of work, Z in terms of relationship.
Just now heard a text, hope it was from him but alas it wasn't. Move on.
Did my meditation. It was good. I felt much calmer and the screaming helps to release the inner tension. I am not as angry as before for having to undertake this challenge with Z. I deserved to be happily loved.
Sadhguru - Himalayan Lust
There is an endemic problem with people. People always want to know whether they are going to the right place or not. If they water the garden, they want to make sure they are watering only the fruit-bearing trees, not the weeds. If they give money to somebody, they would like to give to somebody who deserves it, not to somebody who doesn't deserves it. Is he exploiting me?
Now the sun rose in the morning, gave himself totally to the weeds and the flowering trees and the fruit-bearing trees, to the good man, the evil man, criminals, saints, the same way.
The little, petty things that u have to give, why do u calculate so much about making a mess out of ur life? If u have something to give, u give. Whether that person deserves it or not, that's none of ur business. If u don't want to give, don't give; that is also okay.
U want to give, so you give joyfully.
Why do u calculate? Because u want to know, whatever u r giving, if its earning u good enough marks. This is very bad karma. It is not necessary for u to keep accounts of what to give.
The giving is about u, not about the other person. Be glad there is somebody to receive.
Soul
Suddenly tot of me resist to give to Z because of its uncertainty, I don't want to lose out.
For the beggars, these days I have changed I tend to give whoever asked me. I don't care if they r real or not, they are pitiable and I have the money. And if they are willing to go thru such drastic measure to get money, I salute them and give. As for those who are 'commercialised", making their owner richer, at least by my giving, they got their food.
Sadhguru
There are too many forces working on the physical world, too many; we will never control all of them.
The only way to take charge of life is to distance urself from the physical (mind and body). Once u distance urself from the physical, u r in complete charge of ur life, hundred percent.
If u r a part-time yogi who practices at least a few hours a day, u r focusing on what to do with ur interiority, then it will happen very quick.
If u do only 20 min yoga, it will still happen, but it will take a longer time because u r taking small doses. With such a small dose, it will take much longer. If u increase the dosage, it will work fast.
So for those of u who think that u have a million year life span can go slowly. Those of u who know that they have a very short lifespan, those of u who are already grey, must hasten up, because it's a very brief life. There is no time to go in small doses. U should increase the dosage.
Soul
Samyama very important.
Aiyah, as I was reading this, I tot of Z who said I was crazy for waking up at 4 am to do my practices. I was laughing and tot to share the article with him. I text him without any reservation. No mind here. Anyway, he didn't reply. So, don't have to follow through. Yea!
Father, if I don't think so much, I just want to be with him. Its only when I think and calculate on its possible outcome that I pulled back. Its like what Sadhguru says if u want to give, u give joyfully. Don't spend time agonising if the person is worthy or not.
Father, take Z as an icon. Both he and MF, a Seven of Spades still dreams on despite having so many setbacks. MF in terms of work, Z in terms of relationship.
Just now heard a text, hope it was from him but alas it wasn't. Move on.
Did my meditation. It was good. I felt much calmer and the screaming helps to release the inner tension. I am not as angry as before for having to undertake this challenge with Z. I deserved to be happily loved.
Sadhguru - Himalayan Lust
There is an endemic problem with people. People always want to know whether they are going to the right place or not. If they water the garden, they want to make sure they are watering only the fruit-bearing trees, not the weeds. If they give money to somebody, they would like to give to somebody who deserves it, not to somebody who doesn't deserves it. Is he exploiting me?
Now the sun rose in the morning, gave himself totally to the weeds and the flowering trees and the fruit-bearing trees, to the good man, the evil man, criminals, saints, the same way.
The little, petty things that u have to give, why do u calculate so much about making a mess out of ur life? If u have something to give, u give. Whether that person deserves it or not, that's none of ur business. If u don't want to give, don't give; that is also okay.
U want to give, so you give joyfully.
Why do u calculate? Because u want to know, whatever u r giving, if its earning u good enough marks. This is very bad karma. It is not necessary for u to keep accounts of what to give.
The giving is about u, not about the other person. Be glad there is somebody to receive.
Soul
Suddenly tot of me resist to give to Z because of its uncertainty, I don't want to lose out.
For the beggars, these days I have changed I tend to give whoever asked me. I don't care if they r real or not, they are pitiable and I have the money. And if they are willing to go thru such drastic measure to get money, I salute them and give. As for those who are 'commercialised", making their owner richer, at least by my giving, they got their food.
Sadhguru
There are too many forces working on the physical world, too many; we will never control all of them.
The only way to take charge of life is to distance urself from the physical (mind and body). Once u distance urself from the physical, u r in complete charge of ur life, hundred percent.
If u r a part-time yogi who practices at least a few hours a day, u r focusing on what to do with ur interiority, then it will happen very quick.
If u do only 20 min yoga, it will still happen, but it will take a longer time because u r taking small doses. With such a small dose, it will take much longer. If u increase the dosage, it will work fast.
So for those of u who think that u have a million year life span can go slowly. Those of u who know that they have a very short lifespan, those of u who are already grey, must hasten up, because it's a very brief life. There is no time to go in small doses. U should increase the dosage.
Soul
Samyama very important.
Aiyah, as I was reading this, I tot of Z who said I was crazy for waking up at 4 am to do my practices. I was laughing and tot to share the article with him. I text him without any reservation. No mind here. Anyway, he didn't reply. So, don't have to follow through. Yea!
Father, if I don't think so much, I just want to be with him. Its only when I think and calculate on its possible outcome that I pulled back. Its like what Sadhguru says if u want to give, u give joyfully. Don't spend time agonising if the person is worthy or not.
Facing my karma in relationship (23)
Feb 8 Aft
Just finished my shoonya. It was great, I was laughing non-stop despite my emotion being bit-off due to Z. Looks like there is no worries as my inner joy is intact and not affected by my outer circumstances.
Osho
1. The Issue
Slowing Down
Each moment one has to be at ease with yourself. Do whatsoever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm and centred.
It is a time when u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about urself or other people, and to take responsibility for any illusions u might have been carrying.
There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who u r right now.
This is the time for acceptance of what is.
Just like the tortoise, we carry our home with us wherever we go. There is no need to hurry, no need to seek shelter elsewhere. Even as we move into the depths of the emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachment.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.
Soul
Yea. Will follow thru and stay with this. Mmm, just realised. Its like swimming, part of me wants to raise forward to finish the race, not caring if I fail or pass, I just don't want to be in space whereby I am not in control and chance of failure is looming, a place of uncertainty. Even willing to fail so that
Never mind, just slow down. I need to face this period of uncertainty. Remember its not the destination/outcome that is the challenge. My real challenge is being in the period of uncertainty. I must remember we r safe and my inner joy is intact. Just flow. I am safe. Amen.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to balance
Transformation
Symbols of transformation - the sword that cuts through illusion, the snake that rejuvenates itself by shedding its skin, the broken chain of limitations.
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity".
Soul
This is a period of uncertainty. I seem to be going nowhere or somewhere. And it is not within my control, I cannot do anything to direct the tide.
3. External influence of which u r aware
Courage
Long is the journey and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed.
Nothing can be guaranteed.
The sprouts starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why.
Much courage is needed.
When we r faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardship, or we can face the challenge and grow.
(Soul - seems similar with my article on my feelings towards Z; once decision is made, deal with ur insecurities)
The flower shows us the way, as its passion for life leads it out of the darkness and into the light. There is no point fighting against the challenges of life or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them.
Be courageous enough to grow into the flower u r meant to be.
Soul
So apt. I know I am not going to run from Z. So, I am feeling bit edgy. No wonder both colleagues also scared of me. I was really off when I told J that I don't need the preliminaries/greetings, just tell me what he wants. Just now E called me, I was also edgy and want him to get to the point. He was smart and hang up.
4. What is needed for resolution?
The Creator
The mystic creates himself. He doesn't work with objects, he work with the subject; he works on himself, his own being.
The Zen master has harnessed the energy of fire and is able to use it for creation rather than destruction. He is so integrated that there is no longer any difference between who he is inside and who he is in the world outside. He offers this gift of understanding and integration to all those who come to him, the gift of creative light that comes from the center of his being.
Whatever u undertake now, with the understanding that comes from maturity, will bring enrichment to our own lives and to the lives of others.
Using whatever skills u have, whatever u have learned from ur own life experience, it is time to express yourself.
Soul
Not sure. But I know I have the courage to face this period of uncertainty.
5. Resolution
Suppression
Find a healing outlet for this potential explosions. It is essential to find a way to release whatever tensions and stresses that might be building up inside. Do anything to shake ur energy and allow it to circulate freely.
Soul
I released my suppressed anger by screaming in my car, all the way home. It was great. I am freed as I now can scream. I recalled that I cannot even open up my mouth to utter a scream.
Just finished my shoonya. It was great, I was laughing non-stop despite my emotion being bit-off due to Z. Looks like there is no worries as my inner joy is intact and not affected by my outer circumstances.
Osho
1. The Issue
Slowing Down
Each moment one has to be at ease with yourself. Do whatsoever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm and centred.
It is a time when u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about urself or other people, and to take responsibility for any illusions u might have been carrying.
There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who u r right now.
This is the time for acceptance of what is.
Just like the tortoise, we carry our home with us wherever we go. There is no need to hurry, no need to seek shelter elsewhere. Even as we move into the depths of the emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachment.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.
Soul
Yea. Will follow thru and stay with this. Mmm, just realised. Its like swimming, part of me wants to raise forward to finish the race, not caring if I fail or pass, I just don't want to be in space whereby I am not in control and chance of failure is looming, a place of uncertainty. Even willing to fail so that
Never mind, just slow down. I need to face this period of uncertainty. Remember its not the destination/outcome that is the challenge. My real challenge is being in the period of uncertainty. I must remember we r safe and my inner joy is intact. Just flow. I am safe. Amen.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to balance
Transformation
Symbols of transformation - the sword that cuts through illusion, the snake that rejuvenates itself by shedding its skin, the broken chain of limitations.
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity".
Soul
This is a period of uncertainty. I seem to be going nowhere or somewhere. And it is not within my control, I cannot do anything to direct the tide.
3. External influence of which u r aware
Courage
Long is the journey and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed.
Nothing can be guaranteed.
The sprouts starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why.
Much courage is needed.
When we r faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardship, or we can face the challenge and grow.
(Soul - seems similar with my article on my feelings towards Z; once decision is made, deal with ur insecurities)
The flower shows us the way, as its passion for life leads it out of the darkness and into the light. There is no point fighting against the challenges of life or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them.
Be courageous enough to grow into the flower u r meant to be.
Soul
So apt. I know I am not going to run from Z. So, I am feeling bit edgy. No wonder both colleagues also scared of me. I was really off when I told J that I don't need the preliminaries/greetings, just tell me what he wants. Just now E called me, I was also edgy and want him to get to the point. He was smart and hang up.
4. What is needed for resolution?
The Creator
The mystic creates himself. He doesn't work with objects, he work with the subject; he works on himself, his own being.
The Zen master has harnessed the energy of fire and is able to use it for creation rather than destruction. He is so integrated that there is no longer any difference between who he is inside and who he is in the world outside. He offers this gift of understanding and integration to all those who come to him, the gift of creative light that comes from the center of his being.
Whatever u undertake now, with the understanding that comes from maturity, will bring enrichment to our own lives and to the lives of others.
Using whatever skills u have, whatever u have learned from ur own life experience, it is time to express yourself.
Soul
Not sure. But I know I have the courage to face this period of uncertainty.
5. Resolution
Suppression
Find a healing outlet for this potential explosions. It is essential to find a way to release whatever tensions and stresses that might be building up inside. Do anything to shake ur energy and allow it to circulate freely.
Soul
I released my suppressed anger by screaming in my car, all the way home. It was great. I am freed as I now can scream. I recalled that I cannot even open up my mouth to utter a scream.
Facing my karma in relationship (22)
Feb 8
Father, did my practices for about 3 hours. I was humming some songs during hatha yoga. As for shakti and shambavi, there were tots of Z. Ended by a stillness.
Father, let's face it, Z is not into me. He is a player who go after what he wants, so I cannot delude myself. I don't want to kid myself and I don't even think about valentine day. 10 days has passed and another 42 days to go. Saturn's lesson is unattachment. Let me remember that I am finally able to love my brother again and that's the miraculous part that I have accelerated from my confession and overcoming my self-judgement. So, the next 42 days should be easy.
Let me keep myself busy with my writing work. And its budget period by mid Mar, so this period will be over in a flash.
(Mar 18 - Nearly over...what a ride! Thanks to Father and all the masters who have guided me. Thanks for my Self for having the courage to go through this. It turns out he is not a player after all!)
Soul
Aiyah, having my husband with me is Top 5. So, not sure if I am reducing my Top 5 by running away from Z. I will stay put.
Ok, step by step, learn about unattachment first, learn not to take rejection personally, learn that I am still lovable. Past issue resolved and transformed. Yeap, these are the markers, so I am on the right track.
Anyway, I still have to warn him about his Jack of Spade period. This could just be an initiation and I need not think of the finale. Perhaps that was the finale and there is a next one come as I am now lovable. This is just the beginning.
(Mar 18 - it is for next year)
The Passion Test
The key is to get out of ur own way. Below are the things that can prevent u from living a passionate life;
1. False ideas
2. False concepts
3. False beliefs.
Eg of False beliefs, thinking "I am worthless", "I can"t do it", "I am not good enough", "I am not lovable".
Soul
Yeap, I am lovable. I have passed the initiation test.
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
The real fast-track path to getting everything, anything, and more than everything u want is putting others ahead of what u want and focusing on their needs, their wants, their desires, and fulfilling them.
Soul
Tot of me and Z. Yea, I believe in a rship we must know what we want and go towards fulfilling them together.
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
In order to be loved, u have to first love.
The mere opposite of what u want is what u have to give first and then u will get back the desired outcome in droves.
Soul
That one is something I am not sure. I guess its becos I tot of I don't have instead of what I have.
(Mar 18 - Mmm, i guess I was loving when I decided to pay for the trip when he said he is out of cash. But I made it cos I really appreciate his vulnerability in telling me he is down. He is so appreciative that I not only paid but didn't make him feel bad about it.)
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
Wrong question ; "Am I worthy of the goal?"
Right question; "Is the goal worth of me?".
Father, did my practices for about 3 hours. I was humming some songs during hatha yoga. As for shakti and shambavi, there were tots of Z. Ended by a stillness.
Father, let's face it, Z is not into me. He is a player who go after what he wants, so I cannot delude myself. I don't want to kid myself and I don't even think about valentine day. 10 days has passed and another 42 days to go. Saturn's lesson is unattachment. Let me remember that I am finally able to love my brother again and that's the miraculous part that I have accelerated from my confession and overcoming my self-judgement. So, the next 42 days should be easy.
Let me keep myself busy with my writing work. And its budget period by mid Mar, so this period will be over in a flash.
(Mar 18 - Nearly over...what a ride! Thanks to Father and all the masters who have guided me. Thanks for my Self for having the courage to go through this. It turns out he is not a player after all!)
Soul
Aiyah, having my husband with me is Top 5. So, not sure if I am reducing my Top 5 by running away from Z. I will stay put.
Ok, step by step, learn about unattachment first, learn not to take rejection personally, learn that I am still lovable. Past issue resolved and transformed. Yeap, these are the markers, so I am on the right track.
Anyway, I still have to warn him about his Jack of Spade period. This could just be an initiation and I need not think of the finale. Perhaps that was the finale and there is a next one come as I am now lovable. This is just the beginning.
(Mar 18 - it is for next year)
The Passion Test
The key is to get out of ur own way. Below are the things that can prevent u from living a passionate life;
1. False ideas
2. False concepts
3. False beliefs.
Eg of False beliefs, thinking "I am worthless", "I can"t do it", "I am not good enough", "I am not lovable".
Soul
Yeap, I am lovable. I have passed the initiation test.
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
The real fast-track path to getting everything, anything, and more than everything u want is putting others ahead of what u want and focusing on their needs, their wants, their desires, and fulfilling them.
Soul
Tot of me and Z. Yea, I believe in a rship we must know what we want and go towards fulfilling them together.
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
In order to be loved, u have to first love.
The mere opposite of what u want is what u have to give first and then u will get back the desired outcome in droves.
Soul
That one is something I am not sure. I guess its becos I tot of I don't have instead of what I have.
(Mar 18 - Mmm, i guess I was loving when I decided to pay for the trip when he said he is out of cash. But I made it cos I really appreciate his vulnerability in telling me he is down. He is so appreciative that I not only paid but didn't make him feel bad about it.)
The Passion Test
Jay Abraham
Wrong question ; "Am I worthy of the goal?"
Right question; "Is the goal worth of me?".
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