Dec 27
Father, slept late yday, about
11.30 pm and so I woke up later and skip hata. I had a flu attacks, some green phelgm but I want to be healthy. Looking forward to my swim.
When I was meditating, tots of Z moved on came, but there were no sad tots. But there were some guilty tots on sathsang in chennai. Hope T don't cause too much trouble. Again, guilt is the outcome cos fear of losing approval.
Father, I enjoyed my silence during meditation. I had a lovely surka kriya this morning. Despite the blocked nose, I was able to focus on my breathe and violet flame emerge.
Osho
1. Issue - schizophrenic
2. Internal influence - possibilities.
3. External - guilt
4. What to do - Ice-olation
5. Resolution - Aloneness
Ice-olation.
We are miserable because we are too much in the self. Either u can be in existence or u can be in the self - both are not possible together.
To be in the self, means to be apart, to be separate. To be an island. To make a distinction between 'this I am' and "this I am not'. The boundary between "I" and "not I" is what the self is - the self isolates.
Soul
I now take this to mean going within and enjoyed my silence. A tot came, I recalled I make a promise to love Z when he shared his anguish on his divorce. Yea, I have fulfilled my promise made by me. He is loved, and now healed. He had already moved on and now ready to embark on another marriage.
I also recalled that I said my cosmic lesson in Z is both love and money. I commit not to leave the lesson and to leave when I graduate instead. Z had moved on and so I deemed graduated. I have done well. It was a great challenge but there were pleasures and self knowledge and self growth. I have grown up. My lesson on love and money is over. Z is healed and I too can be healed. Amen.
Your body speak your mind - Deb Shapiro
H2O exists as water, steam, rain, sea, cloud or ice, yet it is still H2O. In the same way, your feelings are experienced through your behaviour and actions, ur voice, or through different chemicals and physical systems within ur body.
Tots have energy; emotions have energy. They make u do or say things or act in certain way. They determine what u eat and who u love. The energy behind what u think and feel does not just disappear if it is held back or repressed. When u cannot or do not express what is happening on an emotional or psychological level, that feelings become embodied until it manifests through ur physical body.
The emotion most often repressed is rage, as that is the most inappropriate or difficult to express.
Invariably, this rage is connected to a loss control, which is also the most prevalent problem in stress producing circumstances.
Soul
As I was driving, suddenly felt like giving a strong shout, so I shouted. After two long shouts, laughter erupted and I laughed for quite some time.
I guess angry at myself for coming back to Z and got myself rejected. Angry at myself for hoping he will change, for hoping he will love me.
Today King of Spades card in Jupiter. Not sure how this goes. But I want to find the root cause of RA and cured it.
Mmm, was updating blog and saw that I made a commitment to contact Z to confirm on us. If he said no, I moved on. So,.I am on the right track. I took charge instead of waiting blindly. That took courage.
Yeap, another update that I have to ask Z. Just a loss of pride if he says no but main thing is no regrets.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Completion
Six of Spades
A smoothing out of affairs in the realms of work and health and brings a much needed peace into ur life.
Soul
Well, renovation is finally completed and Z is over.
Was updating my blog and suddenly remember Sadhguru says people who are fearful lives in the past and people who have desires lives in the future.
Z has lots of desires and definitely live for future, so he has moved on and left me.
Me, a fearful person, lives in the past and holding on to him. No wonder the osho card on the bird cage is open, asking me to fly. And then eagle flight, asking me to look ahead. Think big.
Amen.
Dec 26 Eve
Father, did Shoonya and Samyama. Had on tots that Z has moved on. But no tears came, just silence and I was laughing loads at the end.
Spend time chatting with P. Told her about the sathsang chat. She asked me to be careful in future. Yes, I forgot. I felt guilty and for a moment, I felt her disapproval. But I bounced back.
Just now saw Z put himself under movies. First tot was he is now with a gal. Second tot, he is with his mom. Anyway, he has already moved on. He is fine now.
Sadhguru
Meditation or any kind of yoga is just to loosen the identity so that there is a little more flexibility.
A smoothing out of affairs in the realms of work and health and brings a much needed peace into ur life.
Soul
Well, renovation is finally completed and Z is over.
Was updating my blog and suddenly remember Sadhguru says people who are fearful lives in the past and people who have desires lives in the future.
Z has lots of desires and definitely live for future, so he has moved on and left me.
Me, a fearful person, lives in the past and holding on to him. No wonder the osho card on the bird cage is open, asking me to fly. And then eagle flight, asking me to look ahead. Think big.
Amen.
Dec 26 Eve
Father, did Shoonya and Samyama. Had on tots that Z has moved on. But no tears came, just silence and I was laughing loads at the end.
Spend time chatting with P. Told her about the sathsang chat. She asked me to be careful in future. Yes, I forgot. I felt guilty and for a moment, I felt her disapproval. But I bounced back.
Just now saw Z put himself under movies. First tot was he is now with a gal. Second tot, he is with his mom. Anyway, he has already moved on. He is fine now.
Sadhguru
Meditation or any kind of yoga is just to loosen the identity so that there is a little more flexibility.
Facing my 1st day of final break up with Z
Dec 26
Father, woke up before 4 am but I slept back and wake up when alarm rang at 4.30 am. Wash my hair and shower. I found not only I feel refreshed and can do my practices better, not taking immediate shower also prolong my energy. So, a good change since I come back from ashram. During the practices, there were some tots of Z. Me judging myself on timing, but I waived it off. Me, thinking of defensive tots on Z and I waived it off. I love Z and he has never lied. There are no regrets and he is worth the pain.
When I m done, I msg him about his pluto challenge of change of mind, result Queen of Diamond, that's me. But looks like he is fixed on his plan. I put a sad face. That is my last msg.
Alas, our spiritual development is different or rather our dreams are different. His is for a happy family with children. Me, self mastery with a husband who preferably into same spiritual practices, sharing our journey.
Osho
The whole effort - whether of relationships or remaining busy in a thousand and one things - is just to escape from the idea that u r lonely.
And I want to be emphatically clear to u, that this is where the meditator and the ordinary man part. The ordinary man goes on trying to forget his loneliness and the meditator starts getting more and more acquainted with his aloneness. And those who knows their aloneness have known the greatest blissfulness possible to human beings - because ur very being is blissful.
After being in tune with ur aloneness, u can relate; then ur relationship will bring great joy to u, because it is not out of fear.
Soul
When I was driving, I tot I found uncut diamond in Z, so perhaps I can find a cut diamond next time.
At first I wasn't sure of going back to Z, a rship without commitment but I was so happy in Dhynalinga and all fears gone, and I was willing to give it a go. Just when I finally accepted Z's request for time, he decided time up and he doesn't want me anymore. Looks like my Cosmic lesson is over. Even now, there is still a small hope. Let it be.
Osho
Finding ur aloneness, u can create, u can be involved in as many things as u want, because this involvement will not be running away from urself anymore. Now it will be your expression; now it will be the manifestation of all that is your potential.
Soul
Now that Z and I are over, easier for me to open my blog. Very timely. Amen.
Osho
Only such a man - whether he lives alone or lives in the society, whether he marries or lives unmarried makes no difference - is always blissful, peaceful and silent. His life is a dance, a song, is a flowering, is a fragrance. Whatever he does, he brings a fragrance to it.
Soul
Yea, my name Joy Ong is very appropriate. Amen.
Osho
Once u have entered ur innermost core of ur being, u cannot believe ur own eyes: u were carrying so much joy, so much blessings, so much love ... And u were escaping ur own treasures.
Knowing these treasures and their inexhaustibility, you can move now into relationships, into creativity.
Father, woke up before 4 am but I slept back and wake up when alarm rang at 4.30 am. Wash my hair and shower. I found not only I feel refreshed and can do my practices better, not taking immediate shower also prolong my energy. So, a good change since I come back from ashram. During the practices, there were some tots of Z. Me judging myself on timing, but I waived it off. Me, thinking of defensive tots on Z and I waived it off. I love Z and he has never lied. There are no regrets and he is worth the pain.
When I m done, I msg him about his pluto challenge of change of mind, result Queen of Diamond, that's me. But looks like he is fixed on his plan. I put a sad face. That is my last msg.
Alas, our spiritual development is different or rather our dreams are different. His is for a happy family with children. Me, self mastery with a husband who preferably into same spiritual practices, sharing our journey.
Osho
The whole effort - whether of relationships or remaining busy in a thousand and one things - is just to escape from the idea that u r lonely.
And I want to be emphatically clear to u, that this is where the meditator and the ordinary man part. The ordinary man goes on trying to forget his loneliness and the meditator starts getting more and more acquainted with his aloneness. And those who knows their aloneness have known the greatest blissfulness possible to human beings - because ur very being is blissful.
After being in tune with ur aloneness, u can relate; then ur relationship will bring great joy to u, because it is not out of fear.
Soul
When I was driving, I tot I found uncut diamond in Z, so perhaps I can find a cut diamond next time.
At first I wasn't sure of going back to Z, a rship without commitment but I was so happy in Dhynalinga and all fears gone, and I was willing to give it a go. Just when I finally accepted Z's request for time, he decided time up and he doesn't want me anymore. Looks like my Cosmic lesson is over. Even now, there is still a small hope. Let it be.
Osho
Finding ur aloneness, u can create, u can be involved in as many things as u want, because this involvement will not be running away from urself anymore. Now it will be your expression; now it will be the manifestation of all that is your potential.
Soul
Now that Z and I are over, easier for me to open my blog. Very timely. Amen.
Osho
Only such a man - whether he lives alone or lives in the society, whether he marries or lives unmarried makes no difference - is always blissful, peaceful and silent. His life is a dance, a song, is a flowering, is a fragrance. Whatever he does, he brings a fragrance to it.
Soul
Yea, my name Joy Ong is very appropriate. Amen.
Osho
Once u have entered ur innermost core of ur being, u cannot believe ur own eyes: u were carrying so much joy, so much blessings, so much love ... And u were escaping ur own treasures.
Knowing these treasures and their inexhaustibility, you can move now into relationships, into creativity.
Z's finally said nope and he has moved on
Dec 25 Eve
Father, Z replied that he is now in the midst of restructuring and he decided he will get marry next year. He wish me all the best in my future undertakings.
This is him wishing me goodbye. We started with BB and now he is into Samsung. Me, feeling sad.
Mmm, was the bird of freedom telling me that we r both freed from each other?
Father, at least I asked for an answer instead of waiting for 3 months.
I replied that I m sad as it looks like I was never in his plan.
I won't keep my feelings to myself now. But no begging either. I will just need to have faith, my own faith since my Cosmic lesson is now over. I did promise that I will let the Cosmic lesson ends. Z knew I couldn't end and so he ended it. Anyway, no regrets. I had what I need. Main thing is I am now aware of my Outsider card.
I didn't expect this as I tot he will ask for time. And I was planning we can have our chat. But he wanted to end it...he don't want me to hold on any longer. He is the diamond that I knew.
I m sad.,,,and his card says that he will get his Heart gal next month. So his plan for mid year could be true. If his is true, then my dream of self mastery will becomes true too.
Still feeling sad. But I m glad I jumped and asked directly, so there will be no regrets, no what if.
Father, Z replied that he is now in the midst of restructuring and he decided he will get marry next year. He wish me all the best in my future undertakings.
This is him wishing me goodbye. We started with BB and now he is into Samsung. Me, feeling sad.
Mmm, was the bird of freedom telling me that we r both freed from each other?
Father, at least I asked for an answer instead of waiting for 3 months.
I replied that I m sad as it looks like I was never in his plan.
I won't keep my feelings to myself now. But no begging either. I will just need to have faith, my own faith since my Cosmic lesson is now over. I did promise that I will let the Cosmic lesson ends. Z knew I couldn't end and so he ended it. Anyway, no regrets. I had what I need. Main thing is I am now aware of my Outsider card.
I didn't expect this as I tot he will ask for time. And I was planning we can have our chat. But he wanted to end it...he don't want me to hold on any longer. He is the diamond that I knew.
I m sad.,,,and his card says that he will get his Heart gal next month. So his plan for mid year could be true. If his is true, then my dream of self mastery will becomes true too.
Still feeling sad. But I m glad I jumped and asked directly, so there will be no regrets, no what if.
Apprehension on Z's response
Dec 25
Father, did my practices. Suria was quite effortless. I had some resistance at first but I said let body decide and it chose suria. Breathing was fine. Shakti and Shambavi good too. Amen.
When I was doing my practice,a msg comes in. Got bit excited and then tot of Z and negative tots came. I told myself have faith.
It is now noon and still no reply from him. But I m fine for now. I know I made the right decision by my declaration. Next step up to him. I just know I will be fine.
Just did our osho relationship card.
Me - abundance, Zorba card.
Him - evolution, changes
Composite - lovers
Insight - freedom.
Osho
The first lesson of love is not to ask for love, but just give. Become a giver. And people are doing just the opposite. Even when they give, they give only with the idea that love should come back. It is a bargain. They don't share, they don't share freely. They share with a condition. They go on watching out of the corner of their eye whether it is coming back or not. Very poor people .... they don't know the natural functioning of love. U simply pour, it will come.
And if it is not coming, nothing to be worried about., because a lover knows that to love is to be happy. If it comes, good; then the happiness is multiplied. But even if it never comes back, in the very act of loving, u become so happy, so ecstatic, who bothers whether it comes back or not.
Love has its own intrinsic happiness. It happens when u love. There is no need to wait for the result. Just start loving. By and by, u will see much more love is coming back to u. One loves and comes to know what love is, only by loving. As one learns swimming by swimming, by loving, one loves.
Soul
Father, thanks for this msg. Very timely.
Osho
Don't wait that u will only love when the right person happens. Then the right person will never happen. Go on loving. The more u love, the more is the possibility for the right person to happen, because ur heart starts flowering. And a flowering heart attracts many bees, many lovers.
One understand life, one understands the responsibility of life, one understands the problems of being together with a person. One accepts all the difficulties and yet decides to live with the person. One is not hoping that there is only going to be heaven, all roses.
When u have become alert to all these problems and still u decide that it is worthwhile to take the risk and be the person rather than to be alone, then get married.
Soul
Yea. I know. But Z is worth the pain.
Osho
Marriage itself never destroy anything. Marriage simply brings out whatsoever is hidden in u - it brings it out. If love is hidden behind u, inside u, marriage brings it out. If love is just pretension, just a bait, then sooner or later it will disappear. And then ur reality, ur ugly personality comes up. Marriage simply is an opportunity, so whatsoever u had to bring out will come out.
If u grow, if u know the art, and u accept the realities of love-life, it goes on growing every day. Marriage becomes a tremendous opportunity to grow into love. Nothing can destroy love. If it is there, it goes on growing.
If just by being in the presence of the other, u feel suddenly happy, u feel ecstatic. Just the presence of the other helps u to be together. U become more individual, more centred, more grounded. Then that is love.
Love is not a passion, love is not an emotion. Love is a very deep understanding that somebody completes u. Somebody makes u a full circle. The presence of the other enhances ur presence. Love gives freedom to be urself; it is not possessiveness.
Father, did my practices. Suria was quite effortless. I had some resistance at first but I said let body decide and it chose suria. Breathing was fine. Shakti and Shambavi good too. Amen.
When I was doing my practice,a msg comes in. Got bit excited and then tot of Z and negative tots came. I told myself have faith.
It is now noon and still no reply from him. But I m fine for now. I know I made the right decision by my declaration. Next step up to him. I just know I will be fine.
Just did our osho relationship card.
Me - abundance, Zorba card.
Him - evolution, changes
Composite - lovers
Insight - freedom.
Osho
The first lesson of love is not to ask for love, but just give. Become a giver. And people are doing just the opposite. Even when they give, they give only with the idea that love should come back. It is a bargain. They don't share, they don't share freely. They share with a condition. They go on watching out of the corner of their eye whether it is coming back or not. Very poor people .... they don't know the natural functioning of love. U simply pour, it will come.
And if it is not coming, nothing to be worried about., because a lover knows that to love is to be happy. If it comes, good; then the happiness is multiplied. But even if it never comes back, in the very act of loving, u become so happy, so ecstatic, who bothers whether it comes back or not.
Love has its own intrinsic happiness. It happens when u love. There is no need to wait for the result. Just start loving. By and by, u will see much more love is coming back to u. One loves and comes to know what love is, only by loving. As one learns swimming by swimming, by loving, one loves.
Soul
Father, thanks for this msg. Very timely.
Osho
Don't wait that u will only love when the right person happens. Then the right person will never happen. Go on loving. The more u love, the more is the possibility for the right person to happen, because ur heart starts flowering. And a flowering heart attracts many bees, many lovers.
One understand life, one understands the responsibility of life, one understands the problems of being together with a person. One accepts all the difficulties and yet decides to live with the person. One is not hoping that there is only going to be heaven, all roses.
When u have become alert to all these problems and still u decide that it is worthwhile to take the risk and be the person rather than to be alone, then get married.
Soul
Yea. I know. But Z is worth the pain.
Osho
Marriage itself never destroy anything. Marriage simply brings out whatsoever is hidden in u - it brings it out. If love is hidden behind u, inside u, marriage brings it out. If love is just pretension, just a bait, then sooner or later it will disappear. And then ur reality, ur ugly personality comes up. Marriage simply is an opportunity, so whatsoever u had to bring out will come out.
If u grow, if u know the art, and u accept the realities of love-life, it goes on growing every day. Marriage becomes a tremendous opportunity to grow into love. Nothing can destroy love. If it is there, it goes on growing.
If just by being in the presence of the other, u feel suddenly happy, u feel ecstatic. Just the presence of the other helps u to be together. U become more individual, more centred, more grounded. Then that is love.
Love is not a passion, love is not an emotion. Love is a very deep understanding that somebody completes u. Somebody makes u a full circle. The presence of the other enhances ur presence. Love gives freedom to be urself; it is not possessiveness.
Telling Z that I want him back, without condition
Dec 24
Father, I called but no response. At first I didn't take it personally cos I knew he must have put phone away. But I still don't understand why he doesn't return call. The last time he told me that there were always many missed biz calls which he needs to attend. By the time he is done, he forgot I called him. He told me he did the same to his family members, except his mother, cos she is home alone.
Suddenly I tot of messaging Z and I just did it. I told him I want him for good. I said I realised I still love him when I was meditating in Dhynalinga. But I also know he need more time and so I will wait. I asked him for his tots.
Father, since I m waiting, I should tell him. And since I have decided he is the one I wanted to marry. I should tell him my love.
I broke off the last time and I must have the guts to propose reinstatement. I don't want to sit on the bench anymore. And I must also ask what he thinks.
Father, I called but no response. At first I didn't take it personally cos I knew he must have put phone away. But I still don't understand why he doesn't return call. The last time he told me that there were always many missed biz calls which he needs to attend. By the time he is done, he forgot I called him. He told me he did the same to his family members, except his mother, cos she is home alone.
Suddenly I tot of messaging Z and I just did it. I told him I want him for good. I said I realised I still love him when I was meditating in Dhynalinga. But I also know he need more time and so I will wait. I asked him for his tots.
Father, since I m waiting, I should tell him. And since I have decided he is the one I wanted to marry. I should tell him my love.
I broke off the last time and I must have the guts to propose reinstatement. I don't want to sit on the bench anymore. And I must also ask what he thinks.
Great time with family
Dec 23
These few days I had a great time with my family. Was out at waterfall and nice energy. Msg Z on my whereabouts. But he didn't response.
Had some tots but I ignored. I have already decided to wait till end Mar 2013. So, will not dwell on my decision to wait for him.
One part of me said he forgotten and now aiming for future with another. But another part of me remember the diamond that he is, and I tot it be difficult for him to let go of me.
These few days I had a great time with my family. Was out at waterfall and nice energy. Msg Z on my whereabouts. But he didn't response.
Had some tots but I ignored. I have already decided to wait till end Mar 2013. So, will not dwell on my decision to wait for him.
One part of me said he forgotten and now aiming for future with another. But another part of me remember the diamond that he is, and I tot it be difficult for him to let go of me.
Life cannot be solved
Dec 20 Aft
Father, suddenly msg to Z cannot be sent. A tot came, perhaps he deleted me. But I ignored and called him instead. There was ringing tone. But it got disconnected, my mind is working over time. Perhaps he wants me out, he wanted to end it for us since I can't seem to let him go.
Let's see. If it is true, I be sad for awhile, but I will be fine.
Mmm, a tot came. He has changed mobile. I know he is no longer keen on BB.
Dec 20 Eve
Father, I tried to call Z again but no response. This time I knew he didn't disconnect me. It was his phone. Now I knew he bought a new phone.
Father, self mastery is not about stealthing ourselves against others. It is about living for what we want, without being affected by others. It is like Sadhguru says about Play to win, but it is ok to lose.
Osho
Your body and mind are not separate; they are one entity. Hence with the body, with the mind, 'masculine', 'feminine' - these words are relevant, meaningful. But there is something beyond both; there is something transcendental. That is ur real core, ur being. That being consists only of awareness, of witnessing, of watchfulness. It is pure consciousness.
Soul
Same msg as my this week awareness card.
Osho
Man is a mystery, woman is a mystery, everything that exists is a mystery - and all our efforts to figure it out are going to fail.
Life cannot be solved, cannot be understood. U can live it, u can rejoice in it, u can become one with the mystery, but the idea of understanding as an observer is not at all possible.
Everything is mysterious; it is better to enjoy it rather than trying to understand it. Ultimately, the man who goes on trying to understand life proves to be a fool, and the man who enjoys life becomes wise.
Soul
This is msg for schizophrenia card. .
Father, suddenly msg to Z cannot be sent. A tot came, perhaps he deleted me. But I ignored and called him instead. There was ringing tone. But it got disconnected, my mind is working over time. Perhaps he wants me out, he wanted to end it for us since I can't seem to let him go.
Let's see. If it is true, I be sad for awhile, but I will be fine.
Mmm, a tot came. He has changed mobile. I know he is no longer keen on BB.
Dec 20 Eve
Father, I tried to call Z again but no response. This time I knew he didn't disconnect me. It was his phone. Now I knew he bought a new phone.
Father, self mastery is not about stealthing ourselves against others. It is about living for what we want, without being affected by others. It is like Sadhguru says about Play to win, but it is ok to lose.
Osho
Your body and mind are not separate; they are one entity. Hence with the body, with the mind, 'masculine', 'feminine' - these words are relevant, meaningful. But there is something beyond both; there is something transcendental. That is ur real core, ur being. That being consists only of awareness, of witnessing, of watchfulness. It is pure consciousness.
Soul
Same msg as my this week awareness card.
Osho
Man is a mystery, woman is a mystery, everything that exists is a mystery - and all our efforts to figure it out are going to fail.
Life cannot be solved, cannot be understood. U can live it, u can rejoice in it, u can become one with the mystery, but the idea of understanding as an observer is not at all possible.
Everything is mysterious; it is better to enjoy it rather than trying to understand it. Ultimately, the man who goes on trying to understand life proves to be a fool, and the man who enjoys life becomes wise.
Soul
This is msg for schizophrenia card. .
Fear on the past comes in
Dec 20
Father, I was tired today. Woke up when alarm rang but body really tired, so I slept back. Put alarm at 5.30 am but body not doable and I immediately slept back and woke up 6.43 am. I shower and did my shambavi.
Towards the end, tots came in. My body, heart and energy say Yes to going back to Z. Only my mind says No cos not sure if can handle the hurt when Z leaves me. Not confident that he will turn around and change his mind. Not sure if I m being stupid on betting on him.
When I was in Ashram, I know Z is worth the pain. But now I m not sure if I can handle the pain or rather, whether it is worth it. I guess the weighing scale has shifted. The end balance depends on how much fear I am feeling.
My Osho cards this week is really telling.
1. Issue
Awareness
Mind can never be intelligent. Only no-mind is intelligent. Only no mind is original and radical.
The mind gives u a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by projection of the future, u go on living at the minimum. U don't live at the maximum. Ur flame remains very dim.
Once u start dropping tots, the dust that u have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. Ur whole life becomes a flame, and a flame without smoke. That is what awareness is.
A channel is now opening from the circumference of activity to that center of witnessing. It will help u to become detached, and a new awareness will lift the veil from ur eyes.
Soul
Well, yday I knew I was a fake. I and everyone tot I am fearless, able to handle stress. In reality, I can't and it was my auto control that kept everything intact.
Father, I was tired today. Woke up when alarm rang but body really tired, so I slept back. Put alarm at 5.30 am but body not doable and I immediately slept back and woke up 6.43 am. I shower and did my shambavi.
Towards the end, tots came in. My body, heart and energy say Yes to going back to Z. Only my mind says No cos not sure if can handle the hurt when Z leaves me. Not confident that he will turn around and change his mind. Not sure if I m being stupid on betting on him.
When I was in Ashram, I know Z is worth the pain. But now I m not sure if I can handle the pain or rather, whether it is worth it. I guess the weighing scale has shifted. The end balance depends on how much fear I am feeling.
My Osho cards this week is really telling.
1. Issue
Awareness
Mind can never be intelligent. Only no-mind is intelligent. Only no mind is original and radical.
The mind gives u a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by projection of the future, u go on living at the minimum. U don't live at the maximum. Ur flame remains very dim.
Once u start dropping tots, the dust that u have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. Ur whole life becomes a flame, and a flame without smoke. That is what awareness is.
A channel is now opening from the circumference of activity to that center of witnessing. It will help u to become detached, and a new awareness will lift the veil from ur eyes.
Soul
Well, yday I knew I was a fake. I and everyone tot I am fearless, able to handle stress. In reality, I can't and it was my auto control that kept everything intact.
Meditation...means to move beyond the dualities of life
Dec 18 Eve
Sadhguru
Dhyna or meditation means u r beyond the limitation of ur mind and body. When u exists here as a body, as a mind, ur suffering is inevitable. If u r happy, it is an accident, because the process you referred to as body or mind is not in ur hands. It is always is subject to the forces of duality in the Existence. So being happy or unhappy, peaceful or not peaceful, is no more your choice, it is just the situation which decides this.
To be in dhyana means to be in a state where u r in touch with the source which is the basis of this body and of this mind.
Body and mind are things that u gathered from outside; they are not the basis of life. They are only the surface of life.
Meditation means to know life beyond the limitations of the five sense organ; to know life beyond the sphere of that which is physical; to know life and experience it at the source, not at the surface.
Soul
When S called me, there were no anger in me, everything evaporated.
Dec 29
Suddenly tot, I had the same gut feeling when I faced the turmoil in my journey to and fro Ashram. The dualities of life is beyond my control. What is within is my responses.
Sadhguru
Dhyna or meditation means u r beyond the limitation of ur mind and body. When u exists here as a body, as a mind, ur suffering is inevitable. If u r happy, it is an accident, because the process you referred to as body or mind is not in ur hands. It is always is subject to the forces of duality in the Existence. So being happy or unhappy, peaceful or not peaceful, is no more your choice, it is just the situation which decides this.
To be in dhyana means to be in a state where u r in touch with the source which is the basis of this body and of this mind.
Body and mind are things that u gathered from outside; they are not the basis of life. They are only the surface of life.
Meditation means to know life beyond the limitations of the five sense organ; to know life beyond the sphere of that which is physical; to know life and experience it at the source, not at the surface.
Soul
When S called me, there were no anger in me, everything evaporated.
Dec 29
Suddenly tot, I had the same gut feeling when I faced the turmoil in my journey to and fro Ashram. The dualities of life is beyond my control. What is within is my responses.
Seeking to reunite with Z
Dec 17
Father, just spoke to Z. We had a short chat. He again reiterated that his financial commitment is now settled and he now wants to focus on growing his business. He also shared with me that he wanted to place some money in fixed deposit. Hmm, perhaps he wants me to feel secure with him. I hold back my question on us.
I love him and the same tot arise even when I was in Dhynalinga yesterday. I just know I want to be with him. Somehow it doesn't matter as much on our possible future. I know I wish for him to be my husband but I m not sure of him yet. Mmm, just let it be. Will cross the bridge when I have to.
Mmm, an alternative tot came. Perhaps Z tot I can't accept him truly without his financial security, that he is holding back.
Father, I m experiencing a silence within. I m not sure but I felt something changed in me.
I just msg him that I bought many Sadhguru's dvd and we can watch them together. I guess that my way of opening an invite to him. Actually I did think of watching the dvd with him when I purchased them. But there was no reply from him...
Sadhguru
A Guru is not a person. A Guru is a certain space, a certain energy; it can only happen to u. It is not somebody you meet. It is not somebody u shake hands or bow down to. When the space or that energy which u refers to as Guru happens to u, it will overwhelm u. It will destroy u the way you are, so that u will become unbounded. U will become the way the Creator intended u to be.
Soul
Yea, I just send the invite to Z. I love him and I want to be with him. I will face my past, The Outsider card, but now that I see it, I can now choose on managing it. Z is the tool.
Father, just spoke to Z. We had a short chat. He again reiterated that his financial commitment is now settled and he now wants to focus on growing his business. He also shared with me that he wanted to place some money in fixed deposit. Hmm, perhaps he wants me to feel secure with him. I hold back my question on us.
I love him and the same tot arise even when I was in Dhynalinga yesterday. I just know I want to be with him. Somehow it doesn't matter as much on our possible future. I know I wish for him to be my husband but I m not sure of him yet. Mmm, just let it be. Will cross the bridge when I have to.
Mmm, an alternative tot came. Perhaps Z tot I can't accept him truly without his financial security, that he is holding back.
Father, I m experiencing a silence within. I m not sure but I felt something changed in me.
I just msg him that I bought many Sadhguru's dvd and we can watch them together. I guess that my way of opening an invite to him. Actually I did think of watching the dvd with him when I purchased them. But there was no reply from him...
Sadhguru
A Guru is not a person. A Guru is a certain space, a certain energy; it can only happen to u. It is not somebody you meet. It is not somebody u shake hands or bow down to. When the space or that energy which u refers to as Guru happens to u, it will overwhelm u. It will destroy u the way you are, so that u will become unbounded. U will become the way the Creator intended u to be.
Soul
Yea, I just send the invite to Z. I love him and I want to be with him. I will face my past, The Outsider card, but now that I see it, I can now choose on managing it. Z is the tool.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Awesome melt down in Dhynalinga
Dec 16
Father, what a day!
I have not been for massage for the last few years after Isha. Today, suddenly I felt for a head and shoulder massage as my shoulders are tired from the 2 days intense hata yoga. No doubt, it is a refresher and I have been practicing, but yet I was tired and I must say I gave my full commitment to the training.
After the oil massage, I had a lovely warm shower. I then changed into my samyama white top and bottom. I took a dip in Teethakhoon, this time I started to sing Guru pooja's karpura gauram when I step into the water. I love the place and can now enjoy the water. I can control my giggle and now will be mostly humming some songs or some tunes. And I even helped others to walk in the water.
Then I went to Dhynalinga, I just went and sat down and immediately my head start to shake non stop and then tears start to fall. Since I had to control my cries, it is even worst as I had to control my cries. Tears coming non stop. And then Iaughter came which I had to squelch too.
Then moments of silence before I start to dance with my hands.
Few minutes later, a sadness arises within me, it was painful as I felt the sadness was wrung from deep within me, tears start to flow uncontrollably and me struggling to control my cries again. Such pain, I have never felt this much pain before, except maybe during guru pooja training back in 2009.
Father, perhaps that's why I can't open up to Dhynalinga, there are too much issues that is within me.
Finally, my soul was bared to Dhynalinga and he helped me to release the hidden pain.
Now in airport, had a few unexpected moments. Firstly, got caught in a mall because I wanted to eat McDonalds.
Suddenly my mobile Sim card is blocked and I couldn't call out. I asked others to call the taxi driver but cannot get thru because he was in lower car park without phone lines. I panicked for a moment as the elevators are also jammed up. Then I calmed down cos I recalled my big luggage is placed on top of the car, so I will find it. So, I went down to the parking basement again. I was so happy to see my driver waiting for me at the parking lift lobby.
We got into our car and wanted to drive out but it was jammed. We found out a few traffic lights were spoilt, just right in front of the mall and huge jam starting from the mall's car park. Finally we came out of the car park but the main road was so jammed, so we can't even turn out. So we had to find a detour road out to main highway. My taxi driver doesn't know the way and we had to ask a few persons along the way.
Finally we reached the airport and I found my flight delayed by 15 minutes, which is fine as my bag will be directly checked in all the way to final destination. Behold, I was then informed they cannot checked me in as my second flight was issued under a different airline. So, now I will have to rush out to do second check-in at Chennai. Then I recalled my last episode whereby I had to do second check-in with an additional two big boxes, so I can handle this.
My judge is blaming me for firstly select McDonald and then now didn't check my air tickets. This trip to Ashram has loads of surprises, starting from misplaced luggage when I arrived. Things are not in control, such situations normally doesn't happen in my life.
Father, what a day!
I have not been for massage for the last few years after Isha. Today, suddenly I felt for a head and shoulder massage as my shoulders are tired from the 2 days intense hata yoga. No doubt, it is a refresher and I have been practicing, but yet I was tired and I must say I gave my full commitment to the training.
After the oil massage, I had a lovely warm shower. I then changed into my samyama white top and bottom. I took a dip in Teethakhoon, this time I started to sing Guru pooja's karpura gauram when I step into the water. I love the place and can now enjoy the water. I can control my giggle and now will be mostly humming some songs or some tunes. And I even helped others to walk in the water.
Then I went to Dhynalinga, I just went and sat down and immediately my head start to shake non stop and then tears start to fall. Since I had to control my cries, it is even worst as I had to control my cries. Tears coming non stop. And then Iaughter came which I had to squelch too.
Then moments of silence before I start to dance with my hands.
Few minutes later, a sadness arises within me, it was painful as I felt the sadness was wrung from deep within me, tears start to flow uncontrollably and me struggling to control my cries again. Such pain, I have never felt this much pain before, except maybe during guru pooja training back in 2009.
Father, perhaps that's why I can't open up to Dhynalinga, there are too much issues that is within me.
Finally, my soul was bared to Dhynalinga and he helped me to release the hidden pain.
Now in airport, had a few unexpected moments. Firstly, got caught in a mall because I wanted to eat McDonalds.
Suddenly my mobile Sim card is blocked and I couldn't call out. I asked others to call the taxi driver but cannot get thru because he was in lower car park without phone lines. I panicked for a moment as the elevators are also jammed up. Then I calmed down cos I recalled my big luggage is placed on top of the car, so I will find it. So, I went down to the parking basement again. I was so happy to see my driver waiting for me at the parking lift lobby.
We got into our car and wanted to drive out but it was jammed. We found out a few traffic lights were spoilt, just right in front of the mall and huge jam starting from the mall's car park. Finally we came out of the car park but the main road was so jammed, so we can't even turn out. So we had to find a detour road out to main highway. My taxi driver doesn't know the way and we had to ask a few persons along the way.
Finally we reached the airport and I found my flight delayed by 15 minutes, which is fine as my bag will be directly checked in all the way to final destination. Behold, I was then informed they cannot checked me in as my second flight was issued under a different airline. So, now I will have to rush out to do second check-in at Chennai. Then I recalled my last episode whereby I had to do second check-in with an additional two big boxes, so I can handle this.
My judge is blaming me for firstly select McDonald and then now didn't check my air tickets. This trip to Ashram has loads of surprises, starting from misplaced luggage when I arrived. Things are not in control, such situations normally doesn't happen in my life.
The Outsider Card again
Dec 15
Did kapalvriksha meditation. My first wish was to be Z's wife, second mid term wish is to be a full time famous author. Then final wish is to be a philanthropist.
Looks like I finally make up my mind.
Then I tot of buying a shirt for
Z and so I text him for his size. There were no reply within 15 minutes and feeling of smallness arise. After two hours, some tots still flow in but this time I don't want to follow it and wallow in self pity like a small unwanted child.
One thing I have learned with Z is that he creates situation where my small unwanted Child arise...and I start to defend myself by attacking him and then myself. Well, Let me overcome this...
Did kapalvriksha meditation. My first wish was to be Z's wife, second mid term wish is to be a full time famous author. Then final wish is to be a philanthropist.
Looks like I finally make up my mind.
Then I tot of buying a shirt for
Z and so I text him for his size. There were no reply within 15 minutes and feeling of smallness arise. After two hours, some tots still flow in but this time I don't want to follow it and wallow in self pity like a small unwanted child.
One thing I have learned with Z is that he creates situation where my small unwanted Child arise...and I start to defend myself by attacking him and then myself. Well, Let me overcome this...
Enjoying Ashram (Vijii, Linga and Dhynalinga)
Dec 13
Father, didn't sleep well last night. Was too cold with the fan. Woke up at 1.15 am cos a lady was fighting and crying. Then I finally slept with air conditioner at 24 degree. Woke up at 4.50am and had some resistance but I recalled Sadhguru's darshan on hata yoga. So, I took a quick rinse and went to sadhana hall.
Did my practices and then adjourned to Vijii's place. The experience was lovely. I just open eyes and enjoyed being with Vijii.
Then I tot I drop by Linga. Bhairavi was lovely as ever, very pleasant being with her. Saw a guy getting ready for aura cleansing and tot maybe I can do that as Sadhguru always have proven me wrong. All the process he does, has benefits, but it is up to the participants. Like pancha bhuta, an amazing experience, an initiation process by itself, if recipients was receptive.
But still I resisted, I went to office to book a place for aura cleansing. I tot, if no place, then don't do. When I arrived, two gals cancel their bookings meant for another half an hour and says they pass me their queue, so I got no choice and went. Can't say much about the aura cleansing but I laughed when it ended. I got 48 days to wear both pancha and now aura string on my wrist. This is a first for me.
Dhynalinga, a lovely pleasant place. I stayed there for more than one and half hour. I just open eyes and look at Dhynalinga, like a lovely old friend, like coming back to myself. With Vijii's, a sweet big sister.
Father, I felt I have totally accepted ashram. From Dhynalinga, Teethakhoon, Linga Bhairavi to indian food. Finally after 4 years, my resistance on indian culture and Sadhguru has been broken. Amen.
Father, didn't sleep well last night. Was too cold with the fan. Woke up at 1.15 am cos a lady was fighting and crying. Then I finally slept with air conditioner at 24 degree. Woke up at 4.50am and had some resistance but I recalled Sadhguru's darshan on hata yoga. So, I took a quick rinse and went to sadhana hall.
Did my practices and then adjourned to Vijii's place. The experience was lovely. I just open eyes and enjoyed being with Vijii.
Then I tot I drop by Linga. Bhairavi was lovely as ever, very pleasant being with her. Saw a guy getting ready for aura cleansing and tot maybe I can do that as Sadhguru always have proven me wrong. All the process he does, has benefits, but it is up to the participants. Like pancha bhuta, an amazing experience, an initiation process by itself, if recipients was receptive.
But still I resisted, I went to office to book a place for aura cleansing. I tot, if no place, then don't do. When I arrived, two gals cancel their bookings meant for another half an hour and says they pass me their queue, so I got no choice and went. Can't say much about the aura cleansing but I laughed when it ended. I got 48 days to wear both pancha and now aura string on my wrist. This is a first for me.
Dhynalinga, a lovely pleasant place. I stayed there for more than one and half hour. I just open eyes and look at Dhynalinga, like a lovely old friend, like coming back to myself. With Vijii's, a sweet big sister.
Father, I felt I have totally accepted ashram. From Dhynalinga, Teethakhoon, Linga Bhairavi to indian food. Finally after 4 years, my resistance on indian culture and Sadhguru has been broken. Amen.
Insight into my Osho Outsider Card
Dec 12 eve
Darshan with Sadhguru
There was a question on hata yoga. He said 80% of hospitals and pharmaceutical in this world can be closed if people practice hata yoga daily in its right classical form.
He said that both genetic and karmic issues can be addressed by proper hata yoga.
Soul
Good motivation for me tomorrow.
Father, when I was meditating this morning, I tot I was replaying my 'exclusion' cycle with Z. I broke off with him because I felt excluded. When he hides our relationship from his family and friends, that means he excluded me. The day I broke off with him back on mid Sept is when he wanted some time off from us to go to his business partner's son birthday. He was nice enough to have dinner with me before he goes, but I flare up.
Father, I am replaying my childhood's cycle. When my mom send me to be taken care by neighbours, it was a case of her excluding me from my family. And since I was excluded from my own family, I had to 'manufacture' myself to be a happy go lucky child in order to be accepted by my neighbours. So, I learned emotional control from a very young age, at 2 to be exact.
This replay with Z, now I m not sure which direction to take. There is so many pros and cons in my mind. I really need guidance.
Father, a tot came. Friendliness card. Yes, I will ask him again whether we r going to be a real couple, now that he is financially settled.
I must remembered my mom send me to neighbours out of 'love" for me cos she can't take care of so many children. She wanted to send second sister, age 4 instead of me, age 2 but my sister was a cry baby and she took me instead, a happy baby.
Father, I don't want to pretend I m happy if I go back to Z without a change. So, just ask. I need to ask cos there may be hope and I don't want to regret. I only lose bit of my pride for asking again, after numerous rejection.
Darshan with Sadhguru
There was a question on hata yoga. He said 80% of hospitals and pharmaceutical in this world can be closed if people practice hata yoga daily in its right classical form.
He said that both genetic and karmic issues can be addressed by proper hata yoga.
Soul
Good motivation for me tomorrow.
Father, when I was meditating this morning, I tot I was replaying my 'exclusion' cycle with Z. I broke off with him because I felt excluded. When he hides our relationship from his family and friends, that means he excluded me. The day I broke off with him back on mid Sept is when he wanted some time off from us to go to his business partner's son birthday. He was nice enough to have dinner with me before he goes, but I flare up.
Father, I am replaying my childhood's cycle. When my mom send me to be taken care by neighbours, it was a case of her excluding me from my family. And since I was excluded from my own family, I had to 'manufacture' myself to be a happy go lucky child in order to be accepted by my neighbours. So, I learned emotional control from a very young age, at 2 to be exact.
This replay with Z, now I m not sure which direction to take. There is so many pros and cons in my mind. I really need guidance.
Father, a tot came. Friendliness card. Yes, I will ask him again whether we r going to be a real couple, now that he is financially settled.
I must remembered my mom send me to neighbours out of 'love" for me cos she can't take care of so many children. She wanted to send second sister, age 4 instead of me, age 2 but my sister was a cry baby and she took me instead, a happy baby.
Father, I don't want to pretend I m happy if I go back to Z without a change. So, just ask. I need to ask cos there may be hope and I don't want to regret. I only lose bit of my pride for asking again, after numerous rejection.
Opening up to Ashram (Dhynalinga, Vijii and Teethakoon)
Dec 12
Father, was feeling bit lazy n tot of skipping guru pooja. Alas, woke up 5 am and managed to make it for guru pooja. Did my asanas, but unable to do one leg stand, not sure why. Breathing meditation was good. Shakti is good too and I was laughing half way. Start with shambhavi but stop half way for nada brahma chanting. At first I didn't want to do and just continues with my shambavi but then with the little crowd, only a few was chanting, so I had to lend my voice. I chanted and then continues with shambavi.
Then I walked to Vijii's Samadhi area. I told Vijii that I can't feel her as much as before during my last visit in August. Then I walked in and to my surprise, I felt a deep connection with her. I just watch her and I went into open eyes meditation. I sat there for more than half hour, dancing, humming n just sweet silence.
I went to Dhynalinga after my shower, I just sat there for one and half hour. I can finally open up to Dhynalinga. It was a sense of peace. I was dancing and stiffled my giggles. I m really happy that I finally open up. Amen.
Then around 2pm, I bought whole loads of Sadhguru's DVD, even The Leela's special edition dvd. This is a breakthru as I don't buy Sadhguru's dvd cos I wanted to avoid him. I tend to go into light meditation whenever I watch his dvd, so I save it for sathsang only.
Then I went into Teethakhoon, I was fearless, I spend nearly 20 minutes in the pool. I even help others to cross over. I even had Teethakhoon by myself for 5 minutes. I only come out cos its time up.
And then I went to Dhynalinga again. Effortlessly 15 minutes pass by. My head start to shake the moment I walked in. I guess the Teethakhoon water still fresh. I didn't shower it off, a second time for me.
What a day in Ashram. I have never spend such a day before.
And now finale with Sadhguru's darshan. This will be second time.
Father, was feeling bit lazy n tot of skipping guru pooja. Alas, woke up 5 am and managed to make it for guru pooja. Did my asanas, but unable to do one leg stand, not sure why. Breathing meditation was good. Shakti is good too and I was laughing half way. Start with shambhavi but stop half way for nada brahma chanting. At first I didn't want to do and just continues with my shambavi but then with the little crowd, only a few was chanting, so I had to lend my voice. I chanted and then continues with shambavi.
Then I walked to Vijii's Samadhi area. I told Vijii that I can't feel her as much as before during my last visit in August. Then I walked in and to my surprise, I felt a deep connection with her. I just watch her and I went into open eyes meditation. I sat there for more than half hour, dancing, humming n just sweet silence.
I went to Dhynalinga after my shower, I just sat there for one and half hour. I can finally open up to Dhynalinga. It was a sense of peace. I was dancing and stiffled my giggles. I m really happy that I finally open up. Amen.
Then around 2pm, I bought whole loads of Sadhguru's DVD, even The Leela's special edition dvd. This is a breakthru as I don't buy Sadhguru's dvd cos I wanted to avoid him. I tend to go into light meditation whenever I watch his dvd, so I save it for sathsang only.
Then I went into Teethakhoon, I was fearless, I spend nearly 20 minutes in the pool. I even help others to cross over. I even had Teethakhoon by myself for 5 minutes. I only come out cos its time up.
And then I went to Dhynalinga again. Effortlessly 15 minutes pass by. My head start to shake the moment I walked in. I guess the Teethakhoon water still fresh. I didn't shower it off, a second time for me.
What a day in Ashram. I have never spend such a day before.
And now finale with Sadhguru's darshan. This will be second time.
Reinitiated by Dhynalinga (Pancha Butha)
Dec 11
Father, unbelievable pancha butha.
I had no expectations. I just want to feel balanced. Instead I got reinitiated by Dhynalinga. For the first time I am finally comfortable with Dhynalinga. It was Sadhguru 100%, a concentrate version. The energy is consistent. I love it. In the beginning, giggle escaped from my mouth, then I start to sing or rather hummed. They allowed me to giggle. I just savour the energy. I m so happy that I finally connect with Dhynalinga.
During the process of offering 5 elements to Dhynalinga, I felt surface fire on my chest, as if burning something inside me. I was crying and laughing loads n body dancing. Not sure if this is initiation or the balancing of 5 elements in my body.
I guess this is a logical follow thru from my acceptance of Sadhguru a few months back. I felt this is a celebration.
I came out feeling refreshed. Didn't want to take shower. For the first time I understand what Z meant when he said he didn't want to shower after sathsang. For me, I normally wanted to shower after sathsang. I wish Z is here with me. I wonder why I had no tots of Z in prior visits. Then I realised that we got together after my Samyama sadhana in 2010. There were no Samyama sadhana in 2011 Then I didn't come to ashram till August 2012 n that time I was nursing our break up.
He didn't reply my message last Saturday, not sure of him. Let him be. Meanwhile, I just go with the flow.
Mmm, today I went voluntarily to Ashram's bakhsi hall. And I finished whatever food I asked for. This is a real breakthru. I finally can eat indian food. Amen.
Father, when I go back, I will ask Z whether him telling me that he is financially settled, is a message that he can now have a committed rship with me. If not, I will move on. Don't want to hope and stuck in a cycle again.
Father, unbelievable pancha butha.
I had no expectations. I just want to feel balanced. Instead I got reinitiated by Dhynalinga. For the first time I am finally comfortable with Dhynalinga. It was Sadhguru 100%, a concentrate version. The energy is consistent. I love it. In the beginning, giggle escaped from my mouth, then I start to sing or rather hummed. They allowed me to giggle. I just savour the energy. I m so happy that I finally connect with Dhynalinga.
During the process of offering 5 elements to Dhynalinga, I felt surface fire on my chest, as if burning something inside me. I was crying and laughing loads n body dancing. Not sure if this is initiation or the balancing of 5 elements in my body.
I guess this is a logical follow thru from my acceptance of Sadhguru a few months back. I felt this is a celebration.
I came out feeling refreshed. Didn't want to take shower. For the first time I understand what Z meant when he said he didn't want to shower after sathsang. For me, I normally wanted to shower after sathsang. I wish Z is here with me. I wonder why I had no tots of Z in prior visits. Then I realised that we got together after my Samyama sadhana in 2010. There were no Samyama sadhana in 2011 Then I didn't come to ashram till August 2012 n that time I was nursing our break up.
He didn't reply my message last Saturday, not sure of him. Let him be. Meanwhile, I just go with the flow.
Mmm, today I went voluntarily to Ashram's bakhsi hall. And I finished whatever food I asked for. This is a real breakthru. I finally can eat indian food. Amen.
Father, when I go back, I will ask Z whether him telling me that he is financially settled, is a message that he can now have a committed rship with me. If not, I will move on. Don't want to hope and stuck in a cycle again.
Sadhguru's foot print
Dec 10 aft
Father, just did my Shoonya. I felt good. It wasn't easy to get in but these days I can be still during Shoonya. There were some tots of Z.
A week ago, I had given hope on us and even decided that I will stop communications so I can forget him. Alas, there is hope cos he keep on using the key word he is now 'settled' financially. I recalled the first conversation he told me his plan of how he will get settled. Second conversation is on his expensive car and now third conversation is he is now settled and he wants us to catch up.
Father, here we goes again. Aiyah, he is in my blood. For better or worse I m with him. He is worth the pain.,,, ha ha
evening
A great night. I was invited to a weekly guru pooja of Sadhguru's foot print carved stone and also linga Bhairavi's Budi. The energy was great, as if I m back at bhava Spandana hall. I was crying and laughing loads. I was dancing without music, like during samyama programme. Then I did abridged version of Shambhavi and I just sit quietly. Then when it time to wake up, laughter just erupted. Just like yesterday's isha kriya session. The owner gave me a flat buddha statute which he bought during a pilgrimage trip with Sadhguru.
What a great time in Chennai. Met so many lovely people.
I also bought 6 lovely tops and I plan to buy some more in Coimbatore. These 3 days in Chennai just passed by so fast. At first I tot it be long, but the days just passed. I be back next November for Samyama sadhana.
Father, just did my Shoonya. I felt good. It wasn't easy to get in but these days I can be still during Shoonya. There were some tots of Z.
A week ago, I had given hope on us and even decided that I will stop communications so I can forget him. Alas, there is hope cos he keep on using the key word he is now 'settled' financially. I recalled the first conversation he told me his plan of how he will get settled. Second conversation is on his expensive car and now third conversation is he is now settled and he wants us to catch up.
Father, here we goes again. Aiyah, he is in my blood. For better or worse I m with him. He is worth the pain.,,, ha ha
evening
A great night. I was invited to a weekly guru pooja of Sadhguru's foot print carved stone and also linga Bhairavi's Budi. The energy was great, as if I m back at bhava Spandana hall. I was crying and laughing loads. I was dancing without music, like during samyama programme. Then I did abridged version of Shambhavi and I just sit quietly. Then when it time to wake up, laughter just erupted. Just like yesterday's isha kriya session. The owner gave me a flat buddha statute which he bought during a pilgrimage trip with Sadhguru.
What a great time in Chennai. Met so many lovely people.
I also bought 6 lovely tops and I plan to buy some more in Coimbatore. These 3 days in Chennai just passed by so fast. At first I tot it be long, but the days just passed. I be back next November for Samyama sadhana.
Expectation has to be tempered
Dec 10
Father, woke up 6.25 am to do my practices. I did suria namaskara and by second cycle I was laughing and my feet were able to close together. Little laugh in the meditation but I am able to obtain violet flame during surka kriya.
I had tots of Z and we can use our voucher. Father, I have chosen him and I want to stay with him. I knew he will continues on his spending philosophy but I also know he will take care of himself and me, once he gave me his commitment. I will ask him when I see him. I can also see he is very involved in his extended family gathering. I m not sure if I want such hectic social life. I just want time alone.
The fall of Human Intellect.
The divorce rate among couples in most developed advance countries has reached an alarmingly high levels. Parents have constant confrontation with their children.
The cause for this sad state of affairs is the lack of individual assessment of humans. People do not study and determine the nature of persons individually and expect one to behave different from one's basic structure. Like expecting a lion to behave like a deer or vice versa.
U cannot expect people to behave according to ur mental pattern. This is just not possible. Unreasonable expectation cause mental anguish. Expect one to behave according to one's particular nature. And understand that every human helplessly manifest his own nature. As u do yours.
Soul
Father, noted. In my case, it is an even more grievous blunder as I can see people and predicts their behaviour. But I let my fear of losing approval affects me.
The fall of human intellect
U must learn and look at persons, beings and things, environments and situations as they are and not what u like them to be. U would then be able to appreciate the beauty in everything, everybody, everywhere.
Father, woke up 6.25 am to do my practices. I did suria namaskara and by second cycle I was laughing and my feet were able to close together. Little laugh in the meditation but I am able to obtain violet flame during surka kriya.
I had tots of Z and we can use our voucher. Father, I have chosen him and I want to stay with him. I knew he will continues on his spending philosophy but I also know he will take care of himself and me, once he gave me his commitment. I will ask him when I see him. I can also see he is very involved in his extended family gathering. I m not sure if I want such hectic social life. I just want time alone.
The fall of Human Intellect.
The divorce rate among couples in most developed advance countries has reached an alarmingly high levels. Parents have constant confrontation with their children.
The cause for this sad state of affairs is the lack of individual assessment of humans. People do not study and determine the nature of persons individually and expect one to behave different from one's basic structure. Like expecting a lion to behave like a deer or vice versa.
U cannot expect people to behave according to ur mental pattern. This is just not possible. Unreasonable expectation cause mental anguish. Expect one to behave according to one's particular nature. And understand that every human helplessly manifest his own nature. As u do yours.
Soul
Father, noted. In my case, it is an even more grievous blunder as I can see people and predicts their behaviour. But I let my fear of losing approval affects me.
The fall of human intellect
U must learn and look at persons, beings and things, environments and situations as they are and not what u like them to be. U would then be able to appreciate the beauty in everything, everybody, everywhere.
Tots of Z
Dec 8 evening
Father, recovered my luggage from the airport. I recalled while others were agitated, a laughter suddenly escaped from me involuntarily.
I shared my missing luggage episode with my brother and Z. My brother replied and the news travelled to my sister who text me. But no reply from Z.
My mind started to ask if my hope was real and whether I should ask him whether we can now be a true couple. Then I replied, I came to ashram, wanting to find out can I accept just be with him without expecting
Father, recovered my luggage from the airport. I recalled while others were agitated, a laughter suddenly escaped from me involuntarily.
I shared my missing luggage episode with my brother and Z. My brother replied and the news travelled to my sister who text me. But no reply from Z.
My mind started to ask if my hope was real and whether I should ask him whether we can now be a true couple. Then I replied, I came to ashram, wanting to find out can I accept just be with him without expecting
Desires...acquisition and enjoyment
Dec 9
Just finished attending sathsang in outskirt of chennai. The ambience is not there and they don't start on time, video is spoilt with stoppages in every 2 to 3 minutes. I tot our team back home is real great. We are professional, must give thanks to the team.
The ambience was not there n I couldn't understand tamil language. Despite everything, I was laughing. Just feeling joyful. Energy is good.
Tot of whether to extend my trip since office is closed on 21 to 25 Dec. But I don't think I can wait do long cos I will miss my family and Z. I want to go back to them.
The fall of the human intellect -
A. Parthasarathy
Desires manifest as two powerful motivations in life - acquisition and enjoyment.
U want to acquire whatever u desire from the world.
And after acquiring, u long to enjoy what u have acquired.
None has found true happiness in mere acquisition or enjoyment. Yet the chase never ends.
People are ultimately exhausted with their futile efforts and become frustrated and unhappy.
Soul
I tot both Z and V has strong desires. Me, I don't have cos I m not willing to pay the price. I preferred to safeguards what I have. I don't go for capital commitment because it not only reduce my current savings but also takes over future savings.
Dec 26
Perhaps Z really need to be gone from my life. Perhaps I am unwilling to change...to move forward and hence I go back. Like Sadhguru says, when you are in fear, you live in the past..but when you are in desires, you live in the future.
Z lives in desires and already moved on without me.
Whereas, I am in fear...and lived in the past and afraid to move on....
Just finished attending sathsang in outskirt of chennai. The ambience is not there and they don't start on time, video is spoilt with stoppages in every 2 to 3 minutes. I tot our team back home is real great. We are professional, must give thanks to the team.
The ambience was not there n I couldn't understand tamil language. Despite everything, I was laughing. Just feeling joyful. Energy is good.
Tot of whether to extend my trip since office is closed on 21 to 25 Dec. But I don't think I can wait do long cos I will miss my family and Z. I want to go back to them.
The fall of the human intellect -
A. Parthasarathy
Desires manifest as two powerful motivations in life - acquisition and enjoyment.
U want to acquire whatever u desire from the world.
And after acquiring, u long to enjoy what u have acquired.
None has found true happiness in mere acquisition or enjoyment. Yet the chase never ends.
People are ultimately exhausted with their futile efforts and become frustrated and unhappy.
Soul
I tot both Z and V has strong desires. Me, I don't have cos I m not willing to pay the price. I preferred to safeguards what I have. I don't go for capital commitment because it not only reduce my current savings but also takes over future savings.
Dec 26
Perhaps Z really need to be gone from my life. Perhaps I am unwilling to change...to move forward and hence I go back. Like Sadhguru says, when you are in fear, you live in the past..but when you are in desires, you live in the future.
Z lives in desires and already moved on without me.
Whereas, I am in fear...and lived in the past and afraid to move on....
RA - repressed anger
Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis
Bodymind symptoms indicates that there may be repressed anger.
Since it is in the blood, emotion are very involved here, especially the expression of love.
How have u become ur own enemy?
Are u denying feeling of love, caring and tenderness and instead become overly self-critical, dismissing those feelings in ur heart as unimportant.
Do you lack assertiveness, feeling inhibited, find yourself unable to express yourself in the way you really want to ?
Are you feeling resentful or bitter about something or someone - C or perhaps anyone that takes away my approval
Movement is essential, especially going with the flow and allowing change to happen. Life is movement, so the more stuck u r, the more lifeless u may become. However, most important is finding your heart, and expressing it, sharing your love, and in this way become ur own best friend.
Soul
If that the case, very important for me to drop S, as she is my worst critic.
Deb Shapiro
If u have an auto immune disease of any kind, u need to ask yourself about how u have become an enemy to yourself, and/or to what extent u allow others to influence you, in denial of ur own tots or feelings.
Rheumatoid arthritis
Bodymind symptoms indicates that there may be repressed anger.
Since it is in the blood, emotion are very involved here, especially the expression of love.
How have u become ur own enemy?
Are u denying feeling of love, caring and tenderness and instead become overly self-critical, dismissing those feelings in ur heart as unimportant.
Do you lack assertiveness, feeling inhibited, find yourself unable to express yourself in the way you really want to ?
Are you feeling resentful or bitter about something or someone - C or perhaps anyone that takes away my approval
Movement is essential, especially going with the flow and allowing change to happen. Life is movement, so the more stuck u r, the more lifeless u may become. However, most important is finding your heart, and expressing it, sharing your love, and in this way become ur own best friend.
Soul
If that the case, very important for me to drop S, as she is my worst critic.
Deb Shapiro
If u have an auto immune disease of any kind, u need to ask yourself about how u have become an enemy to yourself, and/or to what extent u allow others to influence you, in denial of ur own tots or feelings.
Lost of approval
Dec 7 afternoon
Father, a complaint and this time J over reacted. The emails from the client (my ex company) is getting nasty. The tone is not respectful. They wouldn't dare to do this previously. But I guess now that I don't have the power n with S's email getting more curt. I was not bothered with S, cos I never got her approval. But now the lower ranking staff who used to respect me and give me face also not bothered. And then a call from J as she too believed their complaint. I felt I lost her approval too. The old me would have reacted n scolded my team or attack the client. Now I truly knew I only sought to defend approvals received.
I guess I can handle this.,,, ,six of diamonds.
Z called me immediately after his hearing. He shared with me everything is now settled n his financials is concrete n he even got the loan to expand his business. A tot came to me, there is hope for us. I told him I m leaving for India tomorrow. I couldn't chat long cos I need to drive home. When I hang up, I tot why do I always hesitate whenever he makes a move. I recalled the house connection between us. Anyway, I already decided this morning to go with the flow. I love Z and will see how it goes. Need not restrained myself.
So, I called him back and we chatted for another half hour. He shared about his financials plan but this time I m not afraid cos I know he can handle it and care for me too. He shared about his family and also told me that he is now wearing an expensive reading glass. He ended the conversation by saying we will catch up once I come back from India. Father, there is glimmer of hope for us just when I have given up on him changing his mind.
Only thing, not sure why P keep on saying Z sees me like elder sister as he kept me abreast of his happenings. Z shares everything with me, I also do the same. We are each other friend.
Dec 26 (My hope on Z is dashed)
Father, a complaint and this time J over reacted. The emails from the client (my ex company) is getting nasty. The tone is not respectful. They wouldn't dare to do this previously. But I guess now that I don't have the power n with S's email getting more curt. I was not bothered with S, cos I never got her approval. But now the lower ranking staff who used to respect me and give me face also not bothered. And then a call from J as she too believed their complaint. I felt I lost her approval too. The old me would have reacted n scolded my team or attack the client. Now I truly knew I only sought to defend approvals received.
I guess I can handle this.,,, ,six of diamonds.
Z called me immediately after his hearing. He shared with me everything is now settled n his financials is concrete n he even got the loan to expand his business. A tot came to me, there is hope for us. I told him I m leaving for India tomorrow. I couldn't chat long cos I need to drive home. When I hang up, I tot why do I always hesitate whenever he makes a move. I recalled the house connection between us. Anyway, I already decided this morning to go with the flow. I love Z and will see how it goes. Need not restrained myself.
So, I called him back and we chatted for another half hour. He shared about his financials plan but this time I m not afraid cos I know he can handle it and care for me too. He shared about his family and also told me that he is now wearing an expensive reading glass. He ended the conversation by saying we will catch up once I come back from India. Father, there is glimmer of hope for us just when I have given up on him changing his mind.
Only thing, not sure why P keep on saying Z sees me like elder sister as he kept me abreast of his happenings. Z shares everything with me, I also do the same. We are each other friend.
Dec 26 (My hope on Z is dashed)
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
52 days in Jupiter
Dec 6 eve
Father, had a good time at the event. There were performance by a famous singer. He sang romantic songs and I tot of Z. Then when he sang a duet with s lovely lady, I was happy, just enjoying the show. No more envious feeling. On the way back, tot of calling Z. I just wanted a chat. Alas, he is not reachable. May have slept since hearing is postponed to tomorrow morning. Most likely he won't call me back. He doesn't want to give me hope that he will change his mind.
Jupiter in Ruling
Three of Spades / Queen of Hearts
This is a time where diversity usually brings many blessings. Success is possible in two areas at once or in business that involve artistic or creative expressions. This is called The Artist Card and thus very favourable for any sort of art or expression of ideas. In Jupiter, it could bring great financial success if channelled into positive creative work.
Queen of heart
This influence promotes ease, comfort, and pleasure, as well as good mixture of love and money. It also brings a spiritual quality to ur personal rships, causing them to glow with goodness and grace.
Jupiter in Destiny
Seven of Diamonds / Three of Hearts
This card here is called The Millionaire Card. It often indicates a great deal of money being spent, but also a lot of money coming in to cover it as well. If u r feeling prosperous during this period, u could attract huge amount of money. Of course, this will not occur if ur prosperous thinking is only masking an inner fear of poverty and limited resources. But the chances are good for overcoming any fears about money and realising the 'Lucky Seven' side of this card.
This card can also means a large financial investment in ur business or occupation for the purposes of expansion.
Whether it is about money, plans to make money, or love, situations will present themselves to test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realising and then releasing our fear, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.
Three of Hearts
An over abundance of charm and magnetism could lead to social or romantic problems during this period.
On the positive side, this energy is best used for success in social or business situations, as u apply ur charm to groups. The peoples u meet now could be very helpful.
Soul
One thing I m sure is investment in website.
Dec 20
Mmm, now I think it is possible that Z and I got back together. I can see we both have Queen of Hearts in second cards.
Father, had a good time at the event. There were performance by a famous singer. He sang romantic songs and I tot of Z. Then when he sang a duet with s lovely lady, I was happy, just enjoying the show. No more envious feeling. On the way back, tot of calling Z. I just wanted a chat. Alas, he is not reachable. May have slept since hearing is postponed to tomorrow morning. Most likely he won't call me back. He doesn't want to give me hope that he will change his mind.
Jupiter in Ruling
Three of Spades / Queen of Hearts
This is a time where diversity usually brings many blessings. Success is possible in two areas at once or in business that involve artistic or creative expressions. This is called The Artist Card and thus very favourable for any sort of art or expression of ideas. In Jupiter, it could bring great financial success if channelled into positive creative work.
Queen of heart
This influence promotes ease, comfort, and pleasure, as well as good mixture of love and money. It also brings a spiritual quality to ur personal rships, causing them to glow with goodness and grace.
Jupiter in Destiny
Seven of Diamonds / Three of Hearts
This card here is called The Millionaire Card. It often indicates a great deal of money being spent, but also a lot of money coming in to cover it as well. If u r feeling prosperous during this period, u could attract huge amount of money. Of course, this will not occur if ur prosperous thinking is only masking an inner fear of poverty and limited resources. But the chances are good for overcoming any fears about money and realising the 'Lucky Seven' side of this card.
This card can also means a large financial investment in ur business or occupation for the purposes of expansion.
Whether it is about money, plans to make money, or love, situations will present themselves to test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realising and then releasing our fear, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.
Three of Hearts
An over abundance of charm and magnetism could lead to social or romantic problems during this period.
On the positive side, this energy is best used for success in social or business situations, as u apply ur charm to groups. The peoples u meet now could be very helpful.
Soul
One thing I m sure is investment in website.
Dec 20
Mmm, now I think it is possible that Z and I got back together. I can see we both have Queen of Hearts in second cards.
Me defending approvals received rather than seeking for approval
Dec 6
Father, I woke up 4.30 am when alarm rang. Was having a dream about my family. Bit of resistance cos I slept about 11.30 pm but got no excuse. So, did my Suria Namaskara, was not able to close feet till
5th cycle but overall quite good cos I don't feel tired and was laughing a bit.
Finished practices earlier cos couldn't do proper kapala bhakti due to menses. Took a 15 minutes nap and had a dream of driving my big car into a parking tunnel inside a hill. Many turnings, remind me of ex company winding parking lot. I just bull dozed ahead eventhough I was afraid.
Father, I keep having recurring dream relating to car park.
I also realised that V is right on me defending the approvals I already have rather than seeking for approval. So, I m more afraid of losing current approval. That's why I am affected by friends n colleagues rather than stranger and acquaintances. Key word here is defending.
Father, I woke up 4.30 am when alarm rang. Was having a dream about my family. Bit of resistance cos I slept about 11.30 pm but got no excuse. So, did my Suria Namaskara, was not able to close feet till
5th cycle but overall quite good cos I don't feel tired and was laughing a bit.
Finished practices earlier cos couldn't do proper kapala bhakti due to menses. Took a 15 minutes nap and had a dream of driving my big car into a parking tunnel inside a hill. Many turnings, remind me of ex company winding parking lot. I just bull dozed ahead eventhough I was afraid.
Father, I keep having recurring dream relating to car park.
I also realised that V is right on me defending the approvals I already have rather than seeking for approval. So, I m more afraid of losing current approval. That's why I am affected by friends n colleagues rather than stranger and acquaintances. Key word here is defending.
When u enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you become a little child
Dec 5
Father, just briefed the web designers. I gave them a budget of 10k as this will be my life time project. I also decided to open up my blog. My audience are mainly from USA, European and India. One thing for sure is I m committing to this and finally open up. If anyone wants to dig my personal life, it be a happy problem.
V said a lot but I tot of 20k for a 2 weeks in kailash, 10k is reasonable since it is my calling n I use it 3 days a week.
Today 10 of Spades
Best card for success n satisfaction in ur work and in health.
Soul
Started on my journey. Tot of sharing with Z but I can't. V told me she got friends that do web site. Suddenly it occurred to me that the finale for 3rd ebook on rship is on The Outsider and Friendliness.
Dec 5 eve
Father, sexual dream again. Has been going on for 2 weeks. But today dream is very explicit. Guess its me missing Z. Never mind, I can find my own release. But I do wonder about whether Z faced it too. Most likely not cos he knows means of releasing n he won't let his body rules him. I will learn too.
Finished my practices. Was laughing bit during Samyama practices.
Ninth letter
U will successfully get rid of unwanted tots and re-actions, and u will then discover that laughter become more and more spontaneous. U will discover tensions are smoothed away n that u become lighter in tot, easier in rships, more caring, much more appreciative, more aware of life itself and all that it has to offer in sight and experience. U will enjoy simple pleasures more, u will be less jaded in appetites, u will need less food, less entertainment, will be more content in ur own company, and will eventually begin to rejoice in ur own company because Divine Consciousness will be infusing ur human consciousness with Its own exalted State of Well-Being. Little by little u will be returning to ur 'child' condition which views the world with happy enquiring gaze.
The phrase "unless u become as a little child, u shall in no wise enter the kingdom of heaven". I actually said that when u enter the Kingdom of Heaven, u become a little child - a child in wonder and joy.
I have given the world these Letters that those who read and absorb them may eventually enter the Kingdom of Heaven and reach that state of joy which comes of purity of mind and innocence.
Father, just briefed the web designers. I gave them a budget of 10k as this will be my life time project. I also decided to open up my blog. My audience are mainly from USA, European and India. One thing for sure is I m committing to this and finally open up. If anyone wants to dig my personal life, it be a happy problem.
V said a lot but I tot of 20k for a 2 weeks in kailash, 10k is reasonable since it is my calling n I use it 3 days a week.
Today 10 of Spades
Best card for success n satisfaction in ur work and in health.
Soul
Started on my journey. Tot of sharing with Z but I can't. V told me she got friends that do web site. Suddenly it occurred to me that the finale for 3rd ebook on rship is on The Outsider and Friendliness.
Dec 5 eve
Father, sexual dream again. Has been going on for 2 weeks. But today dream is very explicit. Guess its me missing Z. Never mind, I can find my own release. But I do wonder about whether Z faced it too. Most likely not cos he knows means of releasing n he won't let his body rules him. I will learn too.
Finished my practices. Was laughing bit during Samyama practices.
Ninth letter
U will successfully get rid of unwanted tots and re-actions, and u will then discover that laughter become more and more spontaneous. U will discover tensions are smoothed away n that u become lighter in tot, easier in rships, more caring, much more appreciative, more aware of life itself and all that it has to offer in sight and experience. U will enjoy simple pleasures more, u will be less jaded in appetites, u will need less food, less entertainment, will be more content in ur own company, and will eventually begin to rejoice in ur own company because Divine Consciousness will be infusing ur human consciousness with Its own exalted State of Well-Being. Little by little u will be returning to ur 'child' condition which views the world with happy enquiring gaze.
The phrase "unless u become as a little child, u shall in no wise enter the kingdom of heaven". I actually said that when u enter the Kingdom of Heaven, u become a little child - a child in wonder and joy.
I have given the world these Letters that those who read and absorb them may eventually enter the Kingdom of Heaven and reach that state of joy which comes of purity of mind and innocence.
Approval obtained from making others dependent on me
Dec 4 eve
Mmm, my journal for afternoon session was accidentally deleted. I can see The Outsider Card as my karma. And finally with 4 years of meditation, I can have the antidote of Friendliness Card.
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful, being alone is also beautiful. U don't depends on others and u don't make others dependent on u. Then it is always a friendliness. It never become a relationship. There is no urgency, no neediness, no desire to change the other into something else. U r no longer interested in all kinds of dramas and romances that other people engaged in. It is not a loss. It is a birth of a higher, more loving quality born of the fullness of experience. It is the birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectations or demands
Soul
I can finally see the fruits of my Self-mastery journey. Last week insight that my whole life is seeking unconscious approval opened the door.
Sadhguru saying that the conqueror is enslaved to conqueree is true. It is similar to me making others dependent on me. Once their dependence reach its limit, I felt the burden; hence The Burden. Card that I received frequently.
Today I finally sought my own sexual release. I cried in pleasure cos Z is not with me. It has been more than 3 years since I needed such release. Yea, don't have to depend on Z for my release. In order to truly walk the path of Friendliness, Z is the first one I had to let go. I can see Z updated his messenger profile. I didn't react. The old me would have done so.
Today received a mail from teacher, she said she love the joyfulness in me and hope I can help to spread my joy around. The old me would have 'slurp' this up. Infact I used to feel like an Outsider whenever I was criticised by her or I perceived she favours others over me. But the new me was not affected. I no longer sought her approval.
Mmm, my journal for afternoon session was accidentally deleted. I can see The Outsider Card as my karma. And finally with 4 years of meditation, I can have the antidote of Friendliness Card.
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful, being alone is also beautiful. U don't depends on others and u don't make others dependent on u. Then it is always a friendliness. It never become a relationship. There is no urgency, no neediness, no desire to change the other into something else. U r no longer interested in all kinds of dramas and romances that other people engaged in. It is not a loss. It is a birth of a higher, more loving quality born of the fullness of experience. It is the birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectations or demands
Soul
I can finally see the fruits of my Self-mastery journey. Last week insight that my whole life is seeking unconscious approval opened the door.
Sadhguru saying that the conqueror is enslaved to conqueree is true. It is similar to me making others dependent on me. Once their dependence reach its limit, I felt the burden; hence The Burden. Card that I received frequently.
Today I finally sought my own sexual release. I cried in pleasure cos Z is not with me. It has been more than 3 years since I needed such release. Yea, don't have to depend on Z for my release. In order to truly walk the path of Friendliness, Z is the first one I had to let go. I can see Z updated his messenger profile. I didn't react. The old me would have done so.
Today received a mail from teacher, she said she love the joyfulness in me and hope I can help to spread my joy around. The old me would have 'slurp' this up. Infact I used to feel like an Outsider whenever I was criticised by her or I perceived she favours others over me. But the new me was not affected. I no longer sought her approval.
Fear of losing approval received
Dec 4
Father, I couldn't sleep yesterday. They probably slept well. I m really affected by people's opinions of me. I do seek approvals.
I get agitated when people criticised me for things which I m good at. I m not bothered at all about things I m not good at.
Yesterday did my journal till nearly 12 am and so put alarm at 5.30 am. I couldn't sleep for next 45 min and then I watch my breath and slowly the mind stops and I slept.
I spend longer in breath meditation, shakti n shambhavi was fine. I really enjoyed surka kriya that I forget about the pain on my elbow. I just enjoy my breathe, feelings it through each lungs. I was laughing in the end. It has been quite a while since I laugh so much during morning practices. I guess these last 2 days stress is finally released.
This Mars period is really stressful and I kept on losing my positions. The good thing is that it reminds me why I started on my journey.
This week Osho card.
1. The issue
The Outsider
Whenever we feel left out or excluded, it brings up this feeling of being a small helpless child. It is not surprising, as the feeling is deeply rooted in our earliest childhood experiences. The problem is that it is so deeply rooted, it plays over and over again, like a tape in our lives.
U now have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting yourself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past, and let go of the old pain. It will bring u clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
Soul
Now alas I truly experienced this. The feelings of being unwanted. I suppressed it for so long. As a child, I hide it and try to circumvent by becoming cheerful to continues getting attention, being included by others but not my own family.
I now recalled this is the same card I get the day that Z had to leave me n see his friends. It was not only the rship issue but also my child issue. I felt excluded. What I want was to be hold.
So, k email send me a msg that I m excluded. That's what caught me. I also recalled when T supported N instead of me, I too felt excluded.
Father, thank u
Father, I couldn't sleep yesterday. They probably slept well. I m really affected by people's opinions of me. I do seek approvals.
I get agitated when people criticised me for things which I m good at. I m not bothered at all about things I m not good at.
Yesterday did my journal till nearly 12 am and so put alarm at 5.30 am. I couldn't sleep for next 45 min and then I watch my breath and slowly the mind stops and I slept.
I spend longer in breath meditation, shakti n shambhavi was fine. I really enjoyed surka kriya that I forget about the pain on my elbow. I just enjoy my breathe, feelings it through each lungs. I was laughing in the end. It has been quite a while since I laugh so much during morning practices. I guess these last 2 days stress is finally released.
This Mars period is really stressful and I kept on losing my positions. The good thing is that it reminds me why I started on my journey.
This week Osho card.
1. The issue
The Outsider
Whenever we feel left out or excluded, it brings up this feeling of being a small helpless child. It is not surprising, as the feeling is deeply rooted in our earliest childhood experiences. The problem is that it is so deeply rooted, it plays over and over again, like a tape in our lives.
U now have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting yourself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past, and let go of the old pain. It will bring u clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
Soul
Now alas I truly experienced this. The feelings of being unwanted. I suppressed it for so long. As a child, I hide it and try to circumvent by becoming cheerful to continues getting attention, being included by others but not my own family.
I now recalled this is the same card I get the day that Z had to leave me n see his friends. It was not only the rship issue but also my child issue. I felt excluded. What I want was to be hold.
So, k email send me a msg that I m excluded. That's what caught me. I also recalled when T supported N instead of me, I too felt excluded.
Father, thank u
Got angry cos I lost my approvals
Dec 3 eve
Father, what a drama day. But this time I didn't keep quiet when I felt that I was being made to look as the party in wrong. K's email is very down putting, basically telling me off for not following protocol and have no right as I m not the sathsang head for Dec. At first I just swallowed in resentment and apologised. But later I found the email from C that said I tot C made a mistake n hence override her instruction.
That was totally not true and I had to correct it. I don't want to suppress this. Just like I took the beatings from S, I no longer want to take another beating without good reason. I m quite conscious n would normally admit my fault once I knew I m wrong. I m fine apologising humbly. But this one I did not do intentionally. I was only trying to help. And C, whom I tried to help didn't even defend me. I may be wrong but I felt she now claimed ignorance as usual. And I have to be the bad one.
My first tot was to shared with Z. Then I remember I cannot reach for him anymore. I shared with my staff on C being a Jack of Clubs.
I came back do my Shoonya. I needed the release. Then I cried cos I lost Z and I lost my standing in Isha. I wonder why. Then I realised that her emphasis that dec is not my sathsang n hence I should not interfere. I cried cos I was angry n hurt cos I lost their approval. It was the little child in me crying for approval.
In actual fact, all my sathsang email except for report, I includes C in the loops. And yet she didn't includes me in her email to N despite my SMS to her and especially with the change in venue.
And the worst case is that they reduced the hall size when our original and agreed proposal was for a bigger hall than our normal size. Because of their lack of commitment, they forgot to book the bigger hall and I was asked to cancel our current hall.
I was the lead sathsang guide for two and half years and I m not privy to one sathsang. I did it for people. And they didn't appreciate it at all. All the while I handled without hiccup cos I followed closely. Never once kudos for good job but for this miscomm, I was berated.
My wish is I got pull out from being a sathsang guide. I will make the final call once I come back from Ashram.
Father, they claimed they love to volunteer and it is joy to them, but commitment to execution is misplaced. I who declared I don't like volunteering give my full commitment once I m given the responsibility.
Aiyoh, 11.30 pm already and I cannot sleep yet. Stills need some clearing.
3 Clubs with Ace of Spades in Ruling _ worry, indecision, mental stress
- ending of rship with new company, ending with S, ending of my mask of self pride, opening up of fears.
3 of Spades with 7 of Hearts in Destiny - indecision, fear and physical stress.
Splitting ourselves into 2 so that we worked 2 jobs.
Soul
Tot I resigned from the new company and is freed. But I still got to work on it. So stressed for me and my team.
Thank god is ending 6 Dec, and I got my payroll freelancer in on 7 Dec and I m leaving for Ashram on 8 Dec.
Next period is Jupiter.
Just saw Z changed his display pix. I knew he is sharing with me. I can see but I can no longer contact him. My tears fell. I love him n I need to be away so I can forget him. Time will heal.
Father, what a drama day. But this time I didn't keep quiet when I felt that I was being made to look as the party in wrong. K's email is very down putting, basically telling me off for not following protocol and have no right as I m not the sathsang head for Dec. At first I just swallowed in resentment and apologised. But later I found the email from C that said I tot C made a mistake n hence override her instruction.
That was totally not true and I had to correct it. I don't want to suppress this. Just like I took the beatings from S, I no longer want to take another beating without good reason. I m quite conscious n would normally admit my fault once I knew I m wrong. I m fine apologising humbly. But this one I did not do intentionally. I was only trying to help. And C, whom I tried to help didn't even defend me. I may be wrong but I felt she now claimed ignorance as usual. And I have to be the bad one.
My first tot was to shared with Z. Then I remember I cannot reach for him anymore. I shared with my staff on C being a Jack of Clubs.
I came back do my Shoonya. I needed the release. Then I cried cos I lost Z and I lost my standing in Isha. I wonder why. Then I realised that her emphasis that dec is not my sathsang n hence I should not interfere. I cried cos I was angry n hurt cos I lost their approval. It was the little child in me crying for approval.
In actual fact, all my sathsang email except for report, I includes C in the loops. And yet she didn't includes me in her email to N despite my SMS to her and especially with the change in venue.
And the worst case is that they reduced the hall size when our original and agreed proposal was for a bigger hall than our normal size. Because of their lack of commitment, they forgot to book the bigger hall and I was asked to cancel our current hall.
I was the lead sathsang guide for two and half years and I m not privy to one sathsang. I did it for people. And they didn't appreciate it at all. All the while I handled without hiccup cos I followed closely. Never once kudos for good job but for this miscomm, I was berated.
My wish is I got pull out from being a sathsang guide. I will make the final call once I come back from Ashram.
Father, they claimed they love to volunteer and it is joy to them, but commitment to execution is misplaced. I who declared I don't like volunteering give my full commitment once I m given the responsibility.
Aiyoh, 11.30 pm already and I cannot sleep yet. Stills need some clearing.
3 Clubs with Ace of Spades in Ruling _ worry, indecision, mental stress
- ending of rship with new company, ending with S, ending of my mask of self pride, opening up of fears.
3 of Spades with 7 of Hearts in Destiny - indecision, fear and physical stress.
Splitting ourselves into 2 so that we worked 2 jobs.
Soul
Tot I resigned from the new company and is freed. But I still got to work on it. So stressed for me and my team.
Thank god is ending 6 Dec, and I got my payroll freelancer in on 7 Dec and I m leaving for Ashram on 8 Dec.
Next period is Jupiter.
Just saw Z changed his display pix. I knew he is sharing with me. I can see but I can no longer contact him. My tears fell. I love him n I need to be away so I can forget him. Time will heal.
Laughter
Dec 3
Didn't sleep well yday. Mainly due to office issues n then worry if I can wake up or not. Had a dream about my team. In the end, I woke up when alarm rang. I knew I m tired and right elbow is painful cos I write continuously without elbow rest. So, I changed the alarm to 5.30 am n got some sleep. Did my breathing meditation, shakti n shambhavi. My nose was blocked and so need more focus on surka kriya. I now really enjoyed it. It took me more than 4 years to finally got it. It took me 3 years for aum chanting. Father, I feel better after the practices.
Ninth letter
What is Laughter? It is a spontaneous consciousness response to a situation where two events or two incidents or two people, do not - in natural order of things - belong together, they are strangely at odds or in opposition to each other. It is a ripple effect expérienced in all living things of higher species capable of certain judgements or perceptions. It eliminate stress. This ripple effect is felt over the diaphragm which guards the heart and nervous system. Stress is inimical to health. Stress is contrary to the Will of Divine Consciousness.
A spontaneous and hearty burst of laughter is first experienced as a rush of rippling consciousness through the head bringing a lightening of the entire consciousness. This is immediately followed by the physical ripple effect of laughter, experienced as a light beating of breath on the diaphragm to break up any tension and to smooth away any residue of bitterness.
Soul
I generally laughed when I entered into meditation mode. I also laugh when I reached orgasm during sex. And I also laughed uncontrollably when I reached ecstatic joy during meditation. I also laugh during suria namaskara when I m in and during the lying down asanas.
I used to wonder why. Now I know because I hold and suppressed myself that laughter is given to me to release all my tension. So, I truly got issues. Others tend to use me as a benchmark. Now I can tell them so.
But on the other hand, when Sadhguru saw me, he laughed too, so not that sure. For now, accepts the gift of laughters. Amen.
Ninth letter
The ripple effect of laughter raises ur consciousness frequencies of vibration not only because it is energy released where u most need it - over ur heart - over ur diaphragm, the seat of ur emotions but because laughter is directly of Divine Consciousness. Therefore, laughter is divine.
Soul
Thanks for answering my long buried question. I too have wondered about my laughters, the same as others have questioned me.
Didn't sleep well yday. Mainly due to office issues n then worry if I can wake up or not. Had a dream about my team. In the end, I woke up when alarm rang. I knew I m tired and right elbow is painful cos I write continuously without elbow rest. So, I changed the alarm to 5.30 am n got some sleep. Did my breathing meditation, shakti n shambhavi. My nose was blocked and so need more focus on surka kriya. I now really enjoyed it. It took me more than 4 years to finally got it. It took me 3 years for aum chanting. Father, I feel better after the practices.
Ninth letter
What is Laughter? It is a spontaneous consciousness response to a situation where two events or two incidents or two people, do not - in natural order of things - belong together, they are strangely at odds or in opposition to each other. It is a ripple effect expérienced in all living things of higher species capable of certain judgements or perceptions. It eliminate stress. This ripple effect is felt over the diaphragm which guards the heart and nervous system. Stress is inimical to health. Stress is contrary to the Will of Divine Consciousness.
A spontaneous and hearty burst of laughter is first experienced as a rush of rippling consciousness through the head bringing a lightening of the entire consciousness. This is immediately followed by the physical ripple effect of laughter, experienced as a light beating of breath on the diaphragm to break up any tension and to smooth away any residue of bitterness.
Soul
I generally laughed when I entered into meditation mode. I also laugh when I reached orgasm during sex. And I also laughed uncontrollably when I reached ecstatic joy during meditation. I also laugh during suria namaskara when I m in and during the lying down asanas.
I used to wonder why. Now I know because I hold and suppressed myself that laughter is given to me to release all my tension. So, I truly got issues. Others tend to use me as a benchmark. Now I can tell them so.
But on the other hand, when Sadhguru saw me, he laughed too, so not that sure. For now, accepts the gift of laughters. Amen.
Ninth letter
The ripple effect of laughter raises ur consciousness frequencies of vibration not only because it is energy released where u most need it - over ur heart - over ur diaphragm, the seat of ur emotions but because laughter is directly of Divine Consciousness. Therefore, laughter is divine.
Soul
Thanks for answering my long buried question. I too have wondered about my laughters, the same as others have questioned me.
When u r afraid, past rules u
Dec 2 eve
Father, I just got back from family dinner. We had a good time, another one in my Top Five, just like Z. Suddenly missing him. Just checked his picture profile. Hope I be completely over him when I come back from Ashram in mid Dec.
Just now I had dream with sex elements. This has gone on for few days. Guess I m nearing my menses and missing my sessions with Z. It has been more than 2 months. I be fine.
Sadhguru
If fear rules, u will see that the past will be very important for u. But if desire rules u, the future will be very important for u, and life here becomes unimportant.
When an individual is not an individual but a whole mess of nonsense that he has gathered from the past, then this is the way life happens: either he clings to the past, when he is afraid or when he feels a little brave, he has desires about the future. He is never in the moment.
All of creation and the creator is in the moment, but the engine of life for most people is sustained or demolished by the process of memory and desire.
Father, I just got back from family dinner. We had a good time, another one in my Top Five, just like Z. Suddenly missing him. Just checked his picture profile. Hope I be completely over him when I come back from Ashram in mid Dec.
Just now I had dream with sex elements. This has gone on for few days. Guess I m nearing my menses and missing my sessions with Z. It has been more than 2 months. I be fine.
Sadhguru
If fear rules, u will see that the past will be very important for u. But if desire rules u, the future will be very important for u, and life here becomes unimportant.
When an individual is not an individual but a whole mess of nonsense that he has gathered from the past, then this is the way life happens: either he clings to the past, when he is afraid or when he feels a little brave, he has desires about the future. He is never in the moment.
All of creation and the creator is in the moment, but the engine of life for most people is sustained or demolished by the process of memory and desire.
Feeling friendly towards Z
Dec 2
Father, woke up at 6.45 am for morning walk in the park. I had a dream of my ex giving his approval on Z.
father, I had to admit I cannot hold back my feelings while still in contact with him. And he holds himself back because he knows it and wants to safeguards my feelings. He doesn't wants me to be hurt again. Thanks to him, he is a true diamond. This morning when I was walking in the park, I knew I wanted a full time partner. It be best if it were Z but if not, I don't mind.
Now drawing on the Relationship cards on Osho.
1. Me
friendliness
U relate; as long as things are moving beautifully, u share. And if u see that the moment has come to depart because ur paths separate at this crossroad, u say goodbye with great gratitude for all that the other had been to u, for all the joys and all the pleasures and all the beautiful moments that u have shared with the other. With no misery, with no pain, u simply separate. It is a birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectations or demands.
2. Him
Silence
Now is time to come home to yourself. The understanding and insights that comes to u in this moment will be manifested later on, in a more outgoing phase of ur life.
3. Composite energies
The master
The whole work of meditations is to make u aware of the mind and to dis-identify yourself from it. Once ur awareness becomes a flame, it burns up the whole slavery that the mind has created. U then become a master of ur own destiny.
Soul
For me, to accept it is ok to move on from Z. I loved myself and I am no longer seeking love from Z. I no longer feel bad that he can separate from me with ease.
4. The Insight
Breakthrough
It is greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously. It is greatest risk because there is no guarantee that the breakdown will become breakthrough.
The dawn is not far away, but before u can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will becomes darker.
Soul
Yea, accepting my ending with Z eventhough I love him and truly wants to be with him. Amen.
Father, woke up at 6.45 am for morning walk in the park. I had a dream of my ex giving his approval on Z.
father, I had to admit I cannot hold back my feelings while still in contact with him. And he holds himself back because he knows it and wants to safeguards my feelings. He doesn't wants me to be hurt again. Thanks to him, he is a true diamond. This morning when I was walking in the park, I knew I wanted a full time partner. It be best if it were Z but if not, I don't mind.
Now drawing on the Relationship cards on Osho.
1. Me
friendliness
U relate; as long as things are moving beautifully, u share. And if u see that the moment has come to depart because ur paths separate at this crossroad, u say goodbye with great gratitude for all that the other had been to u, for all the joys and all the pleasures and all the beautiful moments that u have shared with the other. With no misery, with no pain, u simply separate. It is a birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectations or demands.
2. Him
Silence
Now is time to come home to yourself. The understanding and insights that comes to u in this moment will be manifested later on, in a more outgoing phase of ur life.
3. Composite energies
The master
The whole work of meditations is to make u aware of the mind and to dis-identify yourself from it. Once ur awareness becomes a flame, it burns up the whole slavery that the mind has created. U then become a master of ur own destiny.
Soul
For me, to accept it is ok to move on from Z. I loved myself and I am no longer seeking love from Z. I no longer feel bad that he can separate from me with ease.
4. The Insight
Breakthrough
It is greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously. It is greatest risk because there is no guarantee that the breakdown will become breakthrough.
The dawn is not far away, but before u can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will becomes darker.
Soul
Yea, accepting my ending with Z eventhough I love him and truly wants to be with him. Amen.
Losing approval in work and seeking approval in love
Dec 1
Father, just finished my practices. Quite good but have tots of S and Z. On Z is a happy tot.
I was feeling judged by S. Then I said I m not a good manager but I am a good leader. I found myself going at ease. Then I knew it was my ego that is dented. I then said I m nothing. Now I knew the healing card is true.
S and I are different. I don't admire her, so I should also expect the same from her. As long as I still can't see her worth beyond a work horse, a manager, the same goes for me too.
I will get a Temp for 3 months, while waiting for handover. Cannot let the team suffer. father, I m fine now. All disturbance gone.
Father, I couldn't get hold of Z. Memories of past came in. I don't just want a lover, I want a partner that I can reached out to, I m now willing to do the same. Don't go back to the past.
Dec 1 eve
Father, I m sure I want a full time partner, so Z will not do. I love him but I can do without him. I want more.
J said I have done the best for S, including rescuing her from her ex-boss. It is time for me to move on with my life. Looks like completion card is correct.
But I want her to know that she is truly ungrateful, disrespectful, unkind if she ever contacts me again. She is not a good friend nor a good colleague, and definitely not a good boss. I have not been truthful to her. I let her continues to rant and rave.
(Dec 19 - she called and there is no anger within me. Infact, I symphatised with her as she is sick)
Father, just finished my practices. Quite good but have tots of S and Z. On Z is a happy tot.
I was feeling judged by S. Then I said I m not a good manager but I am a good leader. I found myself going at ease. Then I knew it was my ego that is dented. I then said I m nothing. Now I knew the healing card is true.
S and I are different. I don't admire her, so I should also expect the same from her. As long as I still can't see her worth beyond a work horse, a manager, the same goes for me too.
I will get a Temp for 3 months, while waiting for handover. Cannot let the team suffer. father, I m fine now. All disturbance gone.
Father, I couldn't get hold of Z. Memories of past came in. I don't just want a lover, I want a partner that I can reached out to, I m now willing to do the same. Don't go back to the past.
Dec 1 eve
Father, I m sure I want a full time partner, so Z will not do. I love him but I can do without him. I want more.
J said I have done the best for S, including rescuing her from her ex-boss. It is time for me to move on with my life. Looks like completion card is correct.
But I want her to know that she is truly ungrateful, disrespectful, unkind if she ever contacts me again. She is not a good friend nor a good colleague, and definitely not a good boss. I have not been truthful to her. I let her continues to rant and rave.
(Dec 19 - she called and there is no anger within me. Infact, I symphatised with her as she is sick)
Losing approval in work place...not easy
Nov 30 eve
Another complaint mail from the client. I can see the parental mode. At first, felt edgy for a moment. But now tot perfect excuse that things are not working well and we need their human resource to assist. I am willing to look bad. I now have the authority to ignore them.
The chapter is ending and I m looking forward to new chapter with M.
When I was driving back, I feel good n I tot of going back to Z. Then later, after my shoonya and Samyama, I decided I want an open partner, not a hidden one.
Father, I am feeling down. Mmm, its ok. Need not feel responsible for everything. Firstly I never checked payroll, ....never mind. Just accept that we didn't do a good job. Its ok if we got insulted. Suddenly I tot of my osho card today. Let the wound be healed.
Yes, guess I felt bad cos S seems to keep on spotting for inefficiencies, make us look bad. Never mind, just play stupid, no more fixing.
Another complaint mail from the client. I can see the parental mode. At first, felt edgy for a moment. But now tot perfect excuse that things are not working well and we need their human resource to assist. I am willing to look bad. I now have the authority to ignore them.
The chapter is ending and I m looking forward to new chapter with M.
When I was driving back, I feel good n I tot of going back to Z. Then later, after my shoonya and Samyama, I decided I want an open partner, not a hidden one.
Father, I am feeling down. Mmm, its ok. Need not feel responsible for everything. Firstly I never checked payroll, ....never mind. Just accept that we didn't do a good job. Its ok if we got insulted. Suddenly I tot of my osho card today. Let the wound be healed.
Yes, guess I felt bad cos S seems to keep on spotting for inefficiencies, make us look bad. Never mind, just play stupid, no more fixing.
Finally admitting I am sore with my friend
Nov 30
Father, I am feeling bit down despite doing my practices. Today there were loads of tots, happy tots on Z and unhappy tots on S.
A tot came, she is not worth the pain. Her aiming to be the best makes her unkind. She is also unappreciative of all that I have, me saving her from termination when I first met her, me listening to her woes on her boss for many years, me saving her from her boss, me matching her with the current boss. She forgets all that n start to judge n say unkind things. I don't expect gratefulness, but neither do I expect attacks. She has a tendency to blow up, speaking with her parental tone. I m able to switch off my feelings on her tone. But now I don't even want to entertain her as she is unpleasant to be with. For many years, I endured. It is enough. I have paid my dues.
I checked our cards via her Ruling of Four of Clubs, she is Cosmic lesson in both life and spiritual to my Ruling Ace of Diamonds and Mars and Venus n Jupiter card to my Queen of Diamond. Mmm, luckily, I left and now let go of the outsourced services too.
Yea, she too has been taking my time for many years already.
Z didn't return call. Instead upload a picture of himself off for sky diving via boat. The old me would have contacted him but new me is.bit pissed. Yea, he is worth the pain cos he is kind, he won't hurt me and I felt safe with him. But he must learn not to take me for granted. Not sure why, yday I finally tot there is hope for us be together, which is a miracle.
Just checked.
Mmm, just like I need E to push me to resigned my ambition in the corporate world, I need S to push me to drop outsourced services. Cos both of them not worth the pain. Just like I cannot be colleague with E, the same I can't with S. So, thanks to them both. I didn't fix with E, I too didn't fix with S. I m letting my validation from work goes, my issued with money dropped.
Father, I am feeling bit down despite doing my practices. Today there were loads of tots, happy tots on Z and unhappy tots on S.
A tot came, she is not worth the pain. Her aiming to be the best makes her unkind. She is also unappreciative of all that I have, me saving her from termination when I first met her, me listening to her woes on her boss for many years, me saving her from her boss, me matching her with the current boss. She forgets all that n start to judge n say unkind things. I don't expect gratefulness, but neither do I expect attacks. She has a tendency to blow up, speaking with her parental tone. I m able to switch off my feelings on her tone. But now I don't even want to entertain her as she is unpleasant to be with. For many years, I endured. It is enough. I have paid my dues.
I checked our cards via her Ruling of Four of Clubs, she is Cosmic lesson in both life and spiritual to my Ruling Ace of Diamonds and Mars and Venus n Jupiter card to my Queen of Diamond. Mmm, luckily, I left and now let go of the outsourced services too.
Yea, she too has been taking my time for many years already.
Z didn't return call. Instead upload a picture of himself off for sky diving via boat. The old me would have contacted him but new me is.bit pissed. Yea, he is worth the pain cos he is kind, he won't hurt me and I felt safe with him. But he must learn not to take me for granted. Not sure why, yday I finally tot there is hope for us be together, which is a miracle.
Just checked.
Mmm, just like I need E to push me to resigned my ambition in the corporate world, I need S to push me to drop outsourced services. Cos both of them not worth the pain. Just like I cannot be colleague with E, the same I can't with S. So, thanks to them both. I didn't fix with E, I too didn't fix with S. I m letting my validation from work goes, my issued with money dropped.
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