Going Down is also Growth - expansion

Father, today didn't do meditation. Didn't realise that the alarm clock was off when the mobile was reset.

Woke up at 6.40 am wondering why sky is slightly bright at 5.40. Then it dawn that its 6 plius. Woke up for my changing time. I knew I was having another dream. Emotional control – can be taken as emotionally retarded. Now that my control switch is off, I start to dream day and night.

F4 yesterday. He being a coward, not willing to face upfront and asked others to do it instead. Jandi told him off that if that all he can do to avoid this wedding, then there will be another one coming. So, he might as well jus proceed with the wedding. Jungpo asked her to tell him not to walk the aisle and Jandi didn't reply cos its a decision that Jungpo has to made - losing his home, his family, his wealth, his company.

Remind me of myself - fear of losing my personality over food and chinese culture. I always tot my issue was I can't come down but can go up. Actually either coming down or going up - growth. The truth is I am afraid to grow. Now that I have come down in reporting, I have grown.
Now I guess I too perceive that proceeding with the spirituality - volunteering, herd mentality – may be low value and involve sacrifices and I was determine not to join the herd.
In reality, I was attached to my personality n I used my mom and family as a front. No one is preventing me from dropping my personality.

What a paradox, I who used to take pride that I have load of courage to change but I am actually unwilling to change. I was willing to go up just within a narrow range and don't even want to come down an inch. Me not wanting to go down - at the onset is my VFM mode, but the truth is I am afraid to grow. Another humbling experience.

1. Happy - Sad - Happy
2. Good at work - Inadequate - Good
3. Secure - Insecure - Trying.
4. Fearless - Fearful - Trying.
5. Courage - Coward - Trying
6. Growth - Stagnant - Trying. .

Now I knew what was d feeling that was nagging me behind, always buzzing, pushing me to conquer, to achieve....Actually I was stagnant, not in terms of work but my Being.
The last 5 to 6 years - to grow n I have resisted cos I tot it was to come down, to be humble and I resisted cos in my mind to grow is to go upward. I also resisted cos I thought God was unfair for wanting to make me suffer, wanting to make me humble. That is not the God that I thought he is and I won't kow tow...

Alas it is to grow, to expand. Insecurity is the only way to grow. This is similar to what Satprem said - growth in spirituality is not a vertical line going up, it is a spiral line going up and going down - expansion.