Cosmic Reward - seeing the mirror in Z

Sept 19 Aft (Beyond Illusion on my rship with Z)
Father, meditation really works. Just discovered that our payroll margin has exceeded the benchmarks and quickly I improvise. The old me would have reacted. The new me, just did it and send a mail to inform the Mgm. I no longer take it personally.

I am feeling fine.

1. The Issue
Healing
U carry ur wound. With the ego, ur whole being is a wound. Nobody is interested in hurting u, nobody is positively waiting to hurt u; everybody is engaged in safeguarding his own wound.

When we are under the healing influence of the King of Water, we r no longer hiding from ourselves or others. In this attitude of openness and acceptance we can be healed, and help others also to be healthy and whole.

Soul
On Z, I realised like me, whenever he is wounded, he close up. He is used to having and spending money. Mmm, he said his ex-wife and new husband went for overseas trip. And previously his wife was not keen to go with him. And here, himself also cannot afford. Like he said, he cannot even afford my food. I guess I was bit tactless when he joked that I tendered resignation and my response was how could I do so as he cannot even support my living.
And here last weekend, I keep on sharing about my food appointments, it must have hit him also.

Father, he has been on dry zone for nearly 9 months. He cannot afford us, and yet he wanted it. So, I must be in his list of Top 5 too. He doesn't like to owe anyone, and yet he has to owe me.

(Oct 31 - I am always thinking that he is in my Top 5 and now I realised I am also in his Top 5 as he would make time for me.)

Yea, instead of thinking of me, he is just safeguarding his wound.
Father, I felt a sense of ease. For the first time, I am having alternative tots. I keep on saying I am in unfair position...actually maybe not so. A tot came, I want to ask him to come to my house when he needs me instead of waiting for our meetup, that he cannot afford.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Beyond Illusion
The space between the two eyes has opened, revealing the lotus of spiritual unfoldment and the rising sun of awareness.

Through the rising of inner sun, meditation is born. This card reminds us not to look out for what is real, but to look within.
When we focus on externals, we too often get caught up in judgements - this is good, this is bad, I want this, I don't want that. These judgements keeps us trapped in our illusions, our sleepiness, our old habits and patterns.
Drop ur opinionated mind and move inside. There, u can relax into ur own deepest truth, where the difference between dreams and reality is already known.

Soul
Yea. A tot came, I do criticised Z more than he did me. He only asked how he can be for me. He seldom tell me how I am not for him. He didn't even dare to tell me that he hated it when I called him arrogant bastard. He also didn't tell me that he prefer me in nightgown rather than pyjamas.

Father, suddenly I see a opposite pix, me being at higher vantage. I was so fixed on the fact that he doesn't want me as wife that I didn't realise how sweet he has been to me. His only vice is at times his lack of response, which used to hit me badly that I forgot the good.

I keep on saying he is using me for pleasure but I am also the same, I am using him for my growth. I keep on saying he will leave me when he is done and here I intend to leave him once I have learned my lesson and grown up.

3. External influence of which u r aware
Comparison.
Comparison brings inferiority, superiority. When u don't compare, all inferiority, superiority, disappears. Then u r, u r simply there.

The way to find out who u r is not by comparing urself with others, but by looking to see whether u r fulfilling ur own potential in the best way u know how.

4. What is needed for resolution
Success
Enjoy the peak while it last and the enjoy the valley when it comes. What is wrong with the valley! What is wrong with being low? It is a relaxation. A peak is an excitement, and nobody can exist continuously in an excitement.

Squeeze every drop of juice out of the happiness u r experiencing now, u will be able to take the future as it comes without regrets.

All the phenomena in the parade of ur life, whether they be valleys or peaks, is that "this too will pass".

5. Resolution
Aloneness
Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence. U r so full of presence that u can fill the whole universe with ur presence and there is no need for anybody.
Be a light unto urself.
Ultimately, each of us must develop within ourselves the capacity to make our way through the darkness without any companions, maps or guide.
Soul
Amen.