Seeing my complexes when it comes to relationship

Sept 17

Father, I had great conversation with S. For the first time, the food doesn't matter. 7thunder is really true, finally I saw her 7 Diamond.
One thing I saw was my envious feeling coming up when she said she attract guys with money. She then confessed he always ask for guy with money. The only part not ok is she forgot to focus on the attributes.

When the envious tot came up. Instead of feeling it. I asked myself. Do I really want guys with money? I used to think I want. But I wouldn't trade the Ferrari for Z. To me what is important is that my body must resonate with him. I recalled my judgement on my boss. She was beautiful and smart but married a hideous looking rich guy. I couldn't understand how she could bear to be with him.

Mmm, Z was right when he said I go for tall, good looking guy. Looking back on my history. The first boy was tall and handsome, then CT was tall but little looks but smart and somehow I couldn't accept him as my boyfriend and in the end we never took off. Then many years later I fell for M who is tall, fair, quite handsome and smart and rich. Then many eons later I fell for A, who I is tall, dark and quite handsome and we r compatible mentally. I also had attraction for Rj for his mental but later I found out he was tall and the attraction started.

Then eons later, I fell for Z who is tall, dark and handsome. He was the first guy who got through my barrier. He bulldoze through all my barriers. He ignore all my complexes and insist we bond on his terms. Later we broke off but he still hold on and ask for us to bond again. He peels of layers and layers of me. Whatever happens, I am always thankful he persevere and ignored all my complexes.

When I was sharing with S, she commented that I don't dare to call Z my boyfriend and insist of calling him my friend. I said yes, cos our rship is not "boyfriend/girlfriend" in the normal sense. Whereas Z already said he is my boyfriend. Then I realised I am the Sun, if I couldn't see him as my boyfriend, we cannot move. So, he is my boyfriend.

Text him.
Just realised I am home alone tonite. But I got dinner appt and u got running tomorrow. Maybe next time :)

Mmm, I realised that I already said no and I was even thinking he won't respond when I send the text and the price to pay 'rejection'. And true enough, he didn't respond. But luckily I am now fine and don't take his non-response personally. Besides he told me he read msg last.

Father, I must focus on what I want and know I will get it. Now I keep on saying he is my boyfriend. I must remember I am the Sun in both Life and Spiritual connection, I must lead. If I keep on being afraid of rejection, I won't initiate and I am stuck. And if I keep on saying no to him, I will also be stuck.