Projection results in Feelings

May 12 Eve

Father, just finished dinner with my friends.
J doesn't look good. Her eyes look tired and she said she cannot sleep well. I told her to do kriya in the evening to clear the remnants of the day.
Then she said she is unhappy and wants to resign. I asked her what is the thing she dislikes most. She said she dislike to have to beg to go on leave.

I told her that normally work for me is easy but this time the pressure were loads as I carry responsibility from everywhere.
I told her I always believe power comes with responsibility. So, I tend to play down my power. This time buying Teana is to acknowledge my power and also know that I need only to be responsible if I want to.
I told her I projected my feeling of overwhelm to my boss. I pitied him for carrying so many roles. The pity is for me. Since I couldn't pity myself, I project it on him.
I also shared with her that I had one difficult assignment and I resisted it cos I don't want to do it and tot the other gal should do it. Later when the gal finally admitted she can't, I took over. This time, within minutes I was able to do it. So, without resistance works flow easier. The same goes when I had the issue of doing excel reporting cos I feel it is valueless.

Then I said that J seems to have difficulty cos she always resist. She thinks the job should be done by others. She spend half an hour resisting, another half an hour to recover...then alas had to do it too. So, more time spent.

I asked her why does she resist so much. Somewhere she must have felt she is doing something not hers but she can't acknowledge it. I told her I suspect it was with her family. I always wonder why she has to do everything when she has so many siblings. She finally confess, she can't say no to her mother. She is doing everything for her family. She doesn't think it is her role but she can't say no cos her mother will be sad and she felt guilty for not being filial daughter.

I told her no wonder, she just wants to quit all. She doesn't want to do anything anymore cos everything she is doing is for others. So, nothing happens in her life. She lost energy for her own things. She doesn't even know what she wants. She just know she doesn't want anything. So, life gives her nothing.

Father, its all projections. Mmm, suddenly I tot of all my so call 'bad' bosses. They always exert their power, heavily. Whereas me, always afraid to exert. Cos I associate power with responsibility. Since I want to minimise responsibility, I minimise my power. Again, I was focus on the price to pay. The same thing for the big car. I want it but I knew I will have to learn to park the car. The old me wouldn't want to pay the price but the new me is ok in paying the price.

(16 Jun - I have the car for nearly 3 weeks now and I am comfortable with the car. So much dilemma over nothing.)

I am now focusing on what I want instead of price to pay. Everything comes with a price. If I let it overrides, then I will never get what I want.

I recalled that if I had focus on the price to pay, I wouldn't have been with Z. We wouldn't be having this rship that has last more than 1 year.