For a few years now, my lesson has always been the same. My job profile/tasks is going on a downward trends.
In my current job, I am miserable cos I have to do many manual reporting and little strategic work. I have now at least managed to overcome my resistance and able to do all the reporting but yet I am still not happy. Really not sure what is my lesson, which has been eluding me for many years.
This afternoon, I went to a potluck gathering, good food J
Towards the end of the session, my good friend asked me to see her friend’s accessories collection to see if I want to buy. I have earlier told her that I have a colleague who does accessories and while I thought it is bit pricey, but the quality is worth it. So, I had a look a the accessories and found them to be of poorer quality, but since the price is much lower, I told her that while it is of lower quality but it is still worth it cos is cheaper - so value for money. Immediately my good friend reacted and said that she doesn’t know how to ‘value’ the accessories as she has no comparison, unlike me. She was being defensive about it and it affected our time after that.
I went back and in the evening, I start to wonder, how did I cause such reaction in my good friend. How have I made her ‘undervalue’ or is it because she felt that just becos my perception of ‘value’ is higher than her, then she will lose my respect. I wonder.
Then, just before I went to sleep, I took out the Destiny card book and suddenly thought of browsing my personality card – Ace of Diamond again and see if I can find any idea of what I am facing since I was still bit disturbed. I have normally ignored my personality card and focus on my destiny card – Queen of Diamond, perhaps thinking that Queen is of higher ‘quality’ than Ace, so just focus on the higher value ones.
Below is the excerpt on the Ace cards
All of us identify with our values and our possessions to some extent.
We are adult n dislike being bossed around, matronised or patronised.
We are the ones who are always asking how much things cost.
To us, everything has a value, if not actual price.
Because we are so closely associated with values, we r constantly exploring what everything in our life is worth and not worth.
(Soul – Suddenly I thought of my current job which is transactional job and is not worth the money n hence undermine my value as in general, strategic job has more value vs transactional ones. Just realise that this is the overall guiding direction of my career path. Not focusing on my strength and avoiding my weakness. I dont think I know my strength and weakness when i was fresh out from college).
Ace of Diamond- the desire for love and money
We seek to acquire or attain something that is so valuable that it will make us the valuable person that we want to be.
The hidden motive is self acceptance.
We seek to find ourselves in the reflection of our accomplishment (job) instead of just stopping and looking within
Perfection in our work, either thru quantity or quality is our means of finding the love for ourselves that we seek.
We are ambitious because our value/ our love/ our approval of ourselves are tied to the value of the job.
Their lesson is to know that there is no dream job that can complete or give them love. Their lesson is to realise the love they seek is within and not without and definitely not in job.
They are the prodigal sons and daughter seeking to come home.
(Soul - This job - really low value in terms of output. It undermines me - make me feel low value, make me feel ashamed. I have always value/identified myself with my job. If my job is high profile - I become valuable too. It is not the power, it is being needed.
I left Sungard cos I felt my profile slowly eroding, firstly with the Regional Contract lady n d final straw was Regional HR (who I judge to be of little value) and here I was being put under them.
My current job - real shit job. Low value _ jus transactional n some more admin job. Such a shame to be called Finance Director. Even lower than Finance Manager because in previous job as Finance Manager, I don't have to be so admin even. And all this add up with me being weak in reporting and admin.
Actually, I didnt want to do admin n reporting cos I perceived it as low value. Because I have such belief, I avoid doing it. And because I avoid doing it, I don't have practice n hence not good at it. Because, I amm not good at it n yet has to be valued externally by it, it makes me even more helpless.
Being measured on reporting n admin, something that I perceive to be low value in d first place.
Father, I think there is realy some anology here....
Finally, it occurred to me that I who valued myself based on my job value now find myself in a low value job. That is what killing me.
Father, my boss also tied herself with high value everywhere n I tot she is creating her own misery.
Finally can see what is my lesson thru all d suffering.
My lesson is to learn to detach myself to my identification with my job.
My value - has nothing to do with d job level, profile or task, or security
There is no dream job that can enhance my value.
I am valuable.
I have been searching for my value in job, in everything that I perceive will reflect me, partner, boss, clothes, food, and etc. I found myself unable to eat low quality food, low quality clothes, low quality partner, staff…everything is attached to my valuation L
My need always to have valued thing - means I myself also have to be of certain value, and to be of ‘value, I would need to fork out more energy (similar mirror to my current boss). So, I too create my own misery.
Whenever my job profile fell, my value also falls.
That is why I told the Headhunter, I don't care what role I take, as long as it gives me the opportunity/power to direct/support the business.
What I want - is to ensure that my job profile doesn't drop so that my value won't drop. When my value drop, my self acceptance also drops. Also realized that is why I dropped Internal audit (eventhough I am good at it and enjoyed it). I dropped it cos I perceive Internal audit as less valuable, as it is nice to have (first to be retrenched during recession)
Father, thank you so much. I am sorry for myself that it took so long to see the answers.
Everything now fit into place. I now know that all my life – guided by Valuation.
The valuation mode has brought me to a certain level in my life, but now it is time to drop the valuation mode. As to what is next, I am not sure, will continue doing kriya to get my guidance cos I don’t trust myself anymore. What a fiasco….
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