To feel pain is a blessing

Evening
My meditation today, so much tears and for so long, started jus from the 1st leg session. Just crying out that "No one loves me".

Even when during the last session, I alternate between laughter, tears, laughter, tears and alas silence. I recalled during the end, a tot came to my mind "You are Loved".
Yeap, that is the depth of my pain. Finally alas allowing the pain to come thru.
This is different from d cries during guru pooja, that one was like something breaking down. This is like anguish and sorrow, just seeping out and finally flowing. While my eyes is not red, but I can feel its soreness, probably too much tears.

This afternoon, I realised d beauty of feeling my pain. It is a blessing and not a curse, it is becos I am aware that I wasn't happy that I am able to sleep everyday soundly.

Then later evening another meditator called me on d cottage. We talked and she also shared. She said that she happy that I am able to have so much experience during meditation. I told her I only surrender during meditation.
Outside I have resistance. She said that her meditative experience is jus half of mine but she find loads of benefits outside. I told her that for me, little change outside cos I am already acting right. But inside suffering from RA.

I also told her recently I was feeling lethargic and don't want to get up in d mornin. She said she also have felt it before, the mornin was d worst.
We talked abt sathsang and why almost no one joined. She said she is so enmoured by Sadhguru, just listening to his cd and she flew all the way to India. She was on d spiritual path for last 15 years. I told her that my colleague ask me to try different guru since I hav so much experience and I said I hav found my choice and I need not look further.

The meditator said it is Sadhguru who has chosen me. She said I am gifted, to be able to experience meditative mode in different surrounding. For her, is only in energised place, she can feel. This is the first, an acknowledgement that I found something. My friend has always said I am exceptional but this is the first time someone acknowledge it. My friend said others ignore or pretend what I have is normal cos they r envious of me. Perhaps is true. Coming from the senior meditator, is like an official. I was beginning to doubt since I am feeling sad, whether I will be able to next level. But d real thing m happy is that I think I can talk on same wavelength with another meditator.

Father, today d card was 5 club - change of mental mind.
Alas, is a change of my belief abt suffering. It is good I can feel suffering so I don't carry it unconsciously and disturb my sleep.

Alas, I now realised why I wasn't having deep sleep this 2 weeks, cos I was ignoring n suppressing my pain. Tonite wil sleep well.

I faced and accept my suffering. I am blessed to be able to feel suffering.
Alas ; my motto; suffering is blessing; I finally experience it thru and thru!!!!

Earlier my motto was founded on the precept that suffering is blessing cos we learn ourself from d suffering, letting out all unconsciousness that control us. So, suffering is a blessing or rather all lessons that lead us to ourself.
But, it makes me think I am unlovable, having to go thru so much fire before I can be freed and be in conscious control of my life.

Before meditation, I suppress d pain of d lesson. After meditation. I ignored d pain until I can't n invade my deep sleep.

But for the first time, I am acknowledging that to be able to feel the pain of suffering is also a blessing.

Suferring is truly a blessing. To be able to feel d slightest suffering is a blessing.
To be able to feel is a blessing. It is a gift.