Mar 11
Woke up at 3.50 am upon alarm. Pre sleep breathing meditation helps as body feels refreshed despite less than 5 hours sleep.
I woke up with a tot on Isha issues. Coincidentally saw the message from M, while I can't blame her for stupidity but the tot that we have to liaise with her in future is scary. And the way she talk yesterday makes me wonder how she is talking to others.
Did Bhoota Shuddi and sang guru pooja. Did one cycle of a Yoga Namaskar and surya kriya. Asanas were good. Not sure if I was lost in tots of Isha admin but somehow all the poses seems effortless.
When I was about to go into Shavasana, I saw that time is 5.30 am. What happen? Where was I? I seem to have half an hour.
I knew then I got to write down what I want to say to new teacher. So I wrote it down. A tot then came, no wonder my Osho tarot's postponement card.
So got time only for a quick breathing meditation followed by Shakti. Shakti was deep. There were some Isha tots coming in during Kapala Bhakti and I was lost a bit. But overall very intense. Towards the end my head was mopping the floor. But energy still intense and suddenly both hands were flinging fast. My body felt as it it want to get up and move about. Energy clamouring to come out.
It takes a long while for energy to settle. Today no Shambavi
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Admitting that I still love Y
Mar 10
Feels good after yesterday Sathsang. For the first time didn't feel the need to shower. Things were not in place and turnout was low but I was not affected. Must be due to me not being the guide and me just being a meditator.
The special meditation on cleansing of misery was truly powerful. I was crying loads and laughing too. When Sadhguru said picture of desolate, tot of me failing in the few romantic relationships that I have. Tot of Y, my love for him. Tot how sad it is for me to be alone with my unreciprocated love.
After the meditation, misery is gone.
Woke up 4.30 am instead. Did Bhoota Shuddi and sang guru pooja. Followed with 3 cycles of yoga Namaskar, which is getting easier. Able to straightened my held up hands much longer.
Did one cycle of Surya kriya, feet alignment was very good.
Breathing was good. Wish I could do longer.
Shakti was okay. Got distracted by tots of office and Isha during Kapala Bhakti. Also tot if I can let teacher correct my Kapala Bhakti. Towards the end, head mopping the floor.
Still no phelgm which is good.
Shambavi was good. Towards the end just contented silence. Songs start to come in mind but I didn't follow it as I prefer the silence.
Mmm, somehow knowing I love Y, feels bit settled. A tot came, instead of thinking its suffering that my love is unreciprocated; perhaps can think that I m give opportunity to practice unconditional love. Instead of thinking it is suffering, perhaps its growth.
Per face book
Fortunate are those who are able to love unconditionally, for that is what makes one complete.
Soul
Amen. What I know is that I m ready for Sharing of love. I have enough of bad experience and yet I persevere. Nothing fazed me.
Mar 10 eve
Went in deep into breathing followed by effortless Samyama. Sojourn was deep.
From Facebook
Be strong enough to let go and patient enough to wait for what u deserve.
Soul
Reading this I feel at ease.
Feels good after yesterday Sathsang. For the first time didn't feel the need to shower. Things were not in place and turnout was low but I was not affected. Must be due to me not being the guide and me just being a meditator.
The special meditation on cleansing of misery was truly powerful. I was crying loads and laughing too. When Sadhguru said picture of desolate, tot of me failing in the few romantic relationships that I have. Tot of Y, my love for him. Tot how sad it is for me to be alone with my unreciprocated love.
After the meditation, misery is gone.
Woke up 4.30 am instead. Did Bhoota Shuddi and sang guru pooja. Followed with 3 cycles of yoga Namaskar, which is getting easier. Able to straightened my held up hands much longer.
Did one cycle of Surya kriya, feet alignment was very good.
Breathing was good. Wish I could do longer.
Shakti was okay. Got distracted by tots of office and Isha during Kapala Bhakti. Also tot if I can let teacher correct my Kapala Bhakti. Towards the end, head mopping the floor.
Still no phelgm which is good.
Shambavi was good. Towards the end just contented silence. Songs start to come in mind but I didn't follow it as I prefer the silence.
Mmm, somehow knowing I love Y, feels bit settled. A tot came, instead of thinking its suffering that my love is unreciprocated; perhaps can think that I m give opportunity to practice unconditional love. Instead of thinking it is suffering, perhaps its growth.
Per face book
Fortunate are those who are able to love unconditionally, for that is what makes one complete.
Soul
Amen. What I know is that I m ready for Sharing of love. I have enough of bad experience and yet I persevere. Nothing fazed me.
Mar 10 eve
Went in deep into breathing followed by effortless Samyama. Sojourn was deep.
From Facebook
Be strong enough to let go and patient enough to wait for what u deserve.
Soul
Reading this I feel at ease.
I am fortunate, following my heart, being myself and finally loving unconditionally
Mar 9
Poem from FB
Fortunate are those that are able to follow their heart,
Fortunate are those who are able to be themselves, not hope to become someone else.
Fortunate are those who are able to love unconditionally, for that is what makes one complete.
Soul
Just got back from Sathsang. Great cleansing. Today when I was in the shower I realised I loved Y. Sad for me cos he doesn't love me.
It was this mode that I started the special meditation. At the end the sadness gone. Loving someone unconditionally - maybe I m big enough.
My Soul sure has great tenacity to grow.
As Sadhguru says when we like or dislike someone or something we tend to exaggerate. So I love Y and he is not that easy to live with as he got high expectation. So, maybe God making things easier for me. I don't know what's truly right for me.
But admitting that I love him somehow calm the suppressed feeling.
Now understand completion card.
Poem from FB
Fortunate are those that are able to follow their heart,
Fortunate are those who are able to be themselves, not hope to become someone else.
Fortunate are those who are able to love unconditionally, for that is what makes one complete.
Soul
Just got back from Sathsang. Great cleansing. Today when I was in the shower I realised I loved Y. Sad for me cos he doesn't love me.
It was this mode that I started the special meditation. At the end the sadness gone. Loving someone unconditionally - maybe I m big enough.
My Soul sure has great tenacity to grow.
As Sadhguru says when we like or dislike someone or something we tend to exaggerate. So I love Y and he is not that easy to live with as he got high expectation. So, maybe God making things easier for me. I don't know what's truly right for me.
But admitting that I love him somehow calm the suppressed feeling.
Now understand completion card.
Dessert also doesn't make me happy
Mar 8 eve
Been on sugar high this week over the new French bakery. Ate non stop today. I m like getting the max dessert. I don't quite like the after effects. The body is truly dull and bloated. Today I felt like I truly had enough of dessert.
A tot occurred to me, its like the max meat a couple of months prior to me dropping meat. Mmmmm, let's see.
I started by saying if I lost meat, I be enlightened. I lost meat but not enlightened.
Then I said if I lost coffee I be enlightened. But I lost coffee, now on decaf and not enlightened. But I have turned into a devotee with my shrine.
Bhoota Suddhi seems to have an effect on me. Now I said if I lost dessert I am enlightened; mmm.
Today I had the best cookie cake, the best walnut tart and yet I feel nothing. Used to think dessert makes me happy but it doesn't.
Not sure if this week desserts rush is due to me avoiding the sadness over Y. Truly not sure.
While I miss him and wish for a miracle that we be together. I am not affected much by his non response. Guess him finally coming back to town in one week just kill the hope of the miracle.
I can only have faith on Linga that she get me the husband that's meant for me. Mentally and spiritually compatible.
Soul
Looked at my Pluto Three of Hearts and Result Ace of Hearts - something or someone that brings me joy.
Well, at the very least I have my shrine that brings me love wherever I sat there.
Today feeling bit uncertain of my wish. Perhaps that's why eating dessert at full speed till getting bit put off now.
Just have to stay strong and have faith in Linga
Been on sugar high this week over the new French bakery. Ate non stop today. I m like getting the max dessert. I don't quite like the after effects. The body is truly dull and bloated. Today I felt like I truly had enough of dessert.
A tot occurred to me, its like the max meat a couple of months prior to me dropping meat. Mmmmm, let's see.
I started by saying if I lost meat, I be enlightened. I lost meat but not enlightened.
Then I said if I lost coffee I be enlightened. But I lost coffee, now on decaf and not enlightened. But I have turned into a devotee with my shrine.
Bhoota Suddhi seems to have an effect on me. Now I said if I lost dessert I am enlightened; mmm.
Today I had the best cookie cake, the best walnut tart and yet I feel nothing. Used to think dessert makes me happy but it doesn't.
Not sure if this week desserts rush is due to me avoiding the sadness over Y. Truly not sure.
While I miss him and wish for a miracle that we be together. I am not affected much by his non response. Guess him finally coming back to town in one week just kill the hope of the miracle.
I can only have faith on Linga that she get me the husband that's meant for me. Mentally and spiritually compatible.
Soul
Looked at my Pluto Three of Hearts and Result Ace of Hearts - something or someone that brings me joy.
Well, at the very least I have my shrine that brings me love wherever I sat there.
Today feeling bit uncertain of my wish. Perhaps that's why eating dessert at full speed till getting bit put off now.
Just have to stay strong and have faith in Linga
Osho Transformation
Mar 7 aft
Today card in Saturn
My Daily Card
The Seven of Hearts
The Seven of Hearts indicates that whatever time this card appears could be marked by many challenges in love and feelings in your close relationships. The Seven of Hearts can manifest as betrayal by those we love. In any case, we will be tested to see just how attached we are to others being a certain way.
Seven, being a highly spiritual number, promises success in love if you try a new approach and adopt a more selfless or unattached attitude. If we can allow others to be who they are and not place so many demands upon them, we not only become more aware of their true personalities, but also we allow ourselves the freedom to be just who we are and experience just how it feels to be free of fear and attachment. Many high spiritual experiences have occurred while a seven was present.
Soul
Well, even without looking at this, I share my love for dessert with Y.
He didn't respond..and somehow it no longer matters.
What matter is me living fearlessly.
14 days to go for my Saturn period...be over soon...
Today paradox card
Transformation
The central figure in this card sits atop the vast flower of the void, and holds the symbols of transformation – the sword that cuts through illusion, the snake that rejuvenates itself by shedding its skin, the broken chain of limitations, and the yin/yang symbol of transcending duality. One of its hands rests on its lap, open and receptive. The other reaches down to touch the mouth of a sleeping face, symbolizing the silence that comes when we are at rest. This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow, or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity." It is very much like the experience of Gautam Buddha when, after years of seeking, he finally gave up knowing there was nothing more that he could do. That very night, he became enlightened. Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And, like death, it takes you from one dimension into another.
Soul
something is arising..just have to be patient.
Mar 7 eve
New teacher said the fact that I tried to leave but can't leave means I am a true devotee.
Never tot of it that way. Tot it was my karma.
And he said the fact that I am ever ready to let go as a lead means that I m actually the right leader. Cos a true Isha lead need to let go.
What a paradox. Here I tot I m the 'bad' volunteer; always wanting to leave but now it turns out that is the best type.
Today card in Saturn
My Daily Card
The Seven of Hearts
The Seven of Hearts indicates that whatever time this card appears could be marked by many challenges in love and feelings in your close relationships. The Seven of Hearts can manifest as betrayal by those we love. In any case, we will be tested to see just how attached we are to others being a certain way.
Seven, being a highly spiritual number, promises success in love if you try a new approach and adopt a more selfless or unattached attitude. If we can allow others to be who they are and not place so many demands upon them, we not only become more aware of their true personalities, but also we allow ourselves the freedom to be just who we are and experience just how it feels to be free of fear and attachment. Many high spiritual experiences have occurred while a seven was present.
Soul
Well, even without looking at this, I share my love for dessert with Y.
He didn't respond..and somehow it no longer matters.
What matter is me living fearlessly.
14 days to go for my Saturn period...be over soon...
Today paradox card
Transformation
The central figure in this card sits atop the vast flower of the void, and holds the symbols of transformation – the sword that cuts through illusion, the snake that rejuvenates itself by shedding its skin, the broken chain of limitations, and the yin/yang symbol of transcending duality. One of its hands rests on its lap, open and receptive. The other reaches down to touch the mouth of a sleeping face, symbolizing the silence that comes when we are at rest. This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow, or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity." It is very much like the experience of Gautam Buddha when, after years of seeking, he finally gave up knowing there was nothing more that he could do. That very night, he became enlightened. Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And, like death, it takes you from one dimension into another.
Soul
something is arising..just have to be patient.
Mar 7 eve
New teacher said the fact that I tried to leave but can't leave means I am a true devotee.
Never tot of it that way. Tot it was my karma.
And he said the fact that I am ever ready to let go as a lead means that I m actually the right leader. Cos a true Isha lead need to let go.
What a paradox. Here I tot I m the 'bad' volunteer; always wanting to leave but now it turns out that is the best type.
Those who are open, synchronicity can happen between them and their Guru
Mar 7
Yesterday I dreamed of Z cuddling me on bed with his wife next to him. I remember I woke up and shrug him off. Truly even in dream I don't want him.
Woke up 7 am to do my practices. Body is okay but my left shoulder is painful cos work too long on lap top yesterday. I think I spent around 6 hours, normally 4 hours. Couldn't do proper Surya kriya. Asanas was good.
Breathing was silent in arashidharna. It just happen. I sat longer today.
Shakti was okay cos distracted by tots in first and second cycle of Kapala Bhakti. After Kapala Bhakti and ending, head goes to the floor shaking non stop. After that stillness.
Shambavi was good too. Ending was snake hissing breathe. Just sat in arashidharna. I remember in Shambavi I tot of Y and I said I still want him.
Finished about 10.17 am
It is so good the authentic French bakery. Love my egg tuna and sinful cake. So yummy.
I just want to share with my good friends. I shared with my Isha team, my boss and colleagues and my sisters.
Tot of Y and then hesitate. Moment later I just sent. I wish he can eat this too. I showed my love by caring. Of course I deleted the whatsapp. Don't want to know if he receive. Just want to share.
Maturity
You go inward. It will be difficult to get out from the crowd of ur tots, but u are not a thought. U can get out of the crowd, u can create a distance between u and ur tots. And the distance grows bigger, the tots start falling like leaves that have died - because it is u and ur identity with the tots that give them nourishment. When u are not giving them nourishment, tots cannot exist. Have u met any tot somewhere standing by itself.
Soul
Today in the end song comes to my mind. Me now not keen on the song,"send u my love in letter". So I stop holding it and the song disappear.
A tot occurred to me. Just like my old tots that others need to respond to my love, that I suffer without their response; it is no longer true with me.
Maturity
The vertical line is very rare because it takes u on the journey of eternity and immortality. The flowers that blossoms on those path are inconceivable by the mind and the experiences that happen are unexplainable. But in a strange way the man himself becomes the expression. His eyes show the depth of his heart, his gestures show the grace of the vertical movement. His whole life radiates, pulsates, and creates a field of energy.
Those who are prejudiced, those who are already determined and concluded .... I feel sorry for them. But Those who are open, unprejudiced, have not concluded yet, they will immediately start feeling the pulsation, the radiation. And a certain synchronicity can happen between the heart of the man of the vertical and the heart of the one who is not yet vertical...., the moment the synchronicity happens, in that moment u also start moving vertically.
These are words simply to explain things that are not explainable through words.
Soul
I know the experience. I felt the pulsation and radiation even without knowing what it was. It just happen. My heart now connects to Sadhguru and Dhynalinga. Amen.
Maturity
Unless u are moving on the vertical line, u are missing the whole opportunity of life. When u move on the vertical line every day, u are coming closer to life, not farther away. Then ur birth is not the beginning of death, ur birth is the beginning of eternal life. Just two different lines and so much difference.
Soul
Amen.
Yesterday I dreamed of Z cuddling me on bed with his wife next to him. I remember I woke up and shrug him off. Truly even in dream I don't want him.
Woke up 7 am to do my practices. Body is okay but my left shoulder is painful cos work too long on lap top yesterday. I think I spent around 6 hours, normally 4 hours. Couldn't do proper Surya kriya. Asanas was good.
Breathing was silent in arashidharna. It just happen. I sat longer today.
Shakti was okay cos distracted by tots in first and second cycle of Kapala Bhakti. After Kapala Bhakti and ending, head goes to the floor shaking non stop. After that stillness.
Shambavi was good too. Ending was snake hissing breathe. Just sat in arashidharna. I remember in Shambavi I tot of Y and I said I still want him.
Finished about 10.17 am
It is so good the authentic French bakery. Love my egg tuna and sinful cake. So yummy.
I just want to share with my good friends. I shared with my Isha team, my boss and colleagues and my sisters.
Tot of Y and then hesitate. Moment later I just sent. I wish he can eat this too. I showed my love by caring. Of course I deleted the whatsapp. Don't want to know if he receive. Just want to share.
Maturity
You go inward. It will be difficult to get out from the crowd of ur tots, but u are not a thought. U can get out of the crowd, u can create a distance between u and ur tots. And the distance grows bigger, the tots start falling like leaves that have died - because it is u and ur identity with the tots that give them nourishment. When u are not giving them nourishment, tots cannot exist. Have u met any tot somewhere standing by itself.
Soul
Today in the end song comes to my mind. Me now not keen on the song,"send u my love in letter". So I stop holding it and the song disappear.
A tot occurred to me. Just like my old tots that others need to respond to my love, that I suffer without their response; it is no longer true with me.
Maturity
The vertical line is very rare because it takes u on the journey of eternity and immortality. The flowers that blossoms on those path are inconceivable by the mind and the experiences that happen are unexplainable. But in a strange way the man himself becomes the expression. His eyes show the depth of his heart, his gestures show the grace of the vertical movement. His whole life radiates, pulsates, and creates a field of energy.
Those who are prejudiced, those who are already determined and concluded .... I feel sorry for them. But Those who are open, unprejudiced, have not concluded yet, they will immediately start feeling the pulsation, the radiation. And a certain synchronicity can happen between the heart of the man of the vertical and the heart of the one who is not yet vertical...., the moment the synchronicity happens, in that moment u also start moving vertically.
These are words simply to explain things that are not explainable through words.
Soul
I know the experience. I felt the pulsation and radiation even without knowing what it was. It just happen. My heart now connects to Sadhguru and Dhynalinga. Amen.
Maturity
Unless u are moving on the vertical line, u are missing the whole opportunity of life. When u move on the vertical line every day, u are coming closer to life, not farther away. Then ur birth is not the beginning of death, ur birth is the beginning of eternal life. Just two different lines and so much difference.
Soul
Amen.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Osho - Christian cross (horizontal and vertical)
Mar 6 eve
Just now Shoonya I went in deep. Did a longer session of breathing followed by Samyama. It took me around one hour and fifteen minutes.
Just had a tot of Y. I remind myself there is an abundance of right partner for me. Let him go. Learn to be not negative. Learn to have faith. I was brought so far, I will not be forsaken.
Maturity
The Christian cross is an ancient, Eastern, Aryan symbol - the swastika. A swastika is nothing between two lines crossing. It represents the vertical, the horizontal. Christ's hands are horizontal; his head and his being are pointing in different direction.
In moment of meditation u suddenly see that u can move in two directions - ether horizontal or vertical. The vertical consists of silences, blissfulness, ecstasies; the horizontal consists of hands, work, the world.
Once a man has known himself as a crossroad he cannot be uninterested, he cannot be unintrigued about the vertical. The horizontal he knows, but the vertical opens a door to eternity where death does not exist, where one simply becomes more and more part of the cosmic whole - where one loses all bondages, even the bondage of the body
The vertical does not mean that u have to renounce the world, but it certainly means that u are no more of the world, that the world becomes ephemeral, loses importance. The penetration of the vertical line, just a ray of light coming into ur darkness of horizontal life.
Soul
Amen.
Maturity
On the horizontal line only beggars exist, because they are all rushing for more and the more cannot be fulfilled - not that u can't get the position u want, but the moment u get it, there are higher positions. For a moment maybe a flicker of happiness and the next moment the same despair and the same race for more. U cannot fulfil the idea of more. It is intrinsically unfulfillable. And this is the horizontal line of more and more.
And what is the vertical line? Of being less and less and less, to the point of utter emptiness, to the point of being nobody. To being immensely happy in being a nobody. Only emptiness can be pure - only nothingness can be in tune with the universe.
Soul
Amen.
That's how I feel.
Kabir
I was seeking and searching myself. Rather than finding myself I have found the whole world, the whole universe.
The dewdrop has not disappeared in the ocean but the ocean disappeared into the dewdrop.
Soul
Amen.
Just now Shoonya I went in deep. Did a longer session of breathing followed by Samyama. It took me around one hour and fifteen minutes.
Just had a tot of Y. I remind myself there is an abundance of right partner for me. Let him go. Learn to be not negative. Learn to have faith. I was brought so far, I will not be forsaken.
Maturity
The Christian cross is an ancient, Eastern, Aryan symbol - the swastika. A swastika is nothing between two lines crossing. It represents the vertical, the horizontal. Christ's hands are horizontal; his head and his being are pointing in different direction.
In moment of meditation u suddenly see that u can move in two directions - ether horizontal or vertical. The vertical consists of silences, blissfulness, ecstasies; the horizontal consists of hands, work, the world.
Once a man has known himself as a crossroad he cannot be uninterested, he cannot be unintrigued about the vertical. The horizontal he knows, but the vertical opens a door to eternity where death does not exist, where one simply becomes more and more part of the cosmic whole - where one loses all bondages, even the bondage of the body
The vertical does not mean that u have to renounce the world, but it certainly means that u are no more of the world, that the world becomes ephemeral, loses importance. The penetration of the vertical line, just a ray of light coming into ur darkness of horizontal life.
Soul
Amen.
Maturity
On the horizontal line only beggars exist, because they are all rushing for more and the more cannot be fulfilled - not that u can't get the position u want, but the moment u get it, there are higher positions. For a moment maybe a flicker of happiness and the next moment the same despair and the same race for more. U cannot fulfil the idea of more. It is intrinsically unfulfillable. And this is the horizontal line of more and more.
And what is the vertical line? Of being less and less and less, to the point of utter emptiness, to the point of being nobody. To being immensely happy in being a nobody. Only emptiness can be pure - only nothingness can be in tune with the universe.
Soul
Amen.
That's how I feel.
Kabir
I was seeking and searching myself. Rather than finding myself I have found the whole world, the whole universe.
The dewdrop has not disappeared in the ocean but the ocean disappeared into the dewdrop.
Soul
Amen.
My sadness is just another journey
Mar 6
Woke up 4.50 am but feel bit sorry for myself cos off days but need to wake up early. Just want to have bit if rest and so I slept back and wake up at 5.30 am.
Just did one cycle of Yoga Namaskar and Surya kriya. Feet alignment is okay.
Breathing in arashidharna but I didn't sat long cos tot I won't have much time.
Shakti was great...laughing towards the end.
Shambavi good too..towards the end just sat in arashidharna in silence.
Was in hospital with dad...just take it as it is. Remembering that this is more easier than volunteering in Isha.
Saw that Y has switched on his whatsapp but I am no longer in his calling list. Feeling bit sad...wish I got over him...
Never mind..there is an abundance of right partner for me...no need to hold on to someone who is gone..
Rebirth
"In Zen you are coming from nowhere and you are going to nowhere. You are just now, here, neither coming nor going. Everything passes by you; your consciousness reflects it but it does not get identified.Your consciousness is only a mirror. Neither do you come, nor do you go. Things come and go. You become young, you become old; you are alive, you are dead. All these states are simply reflections in an eternal pool of consciousness." Osho
Whatever the space you're in right now – sleepy and depressed, or roaring and rebellious – be aware that it will evolve into something new if you allow it. It is a time of growth and change.
Soul
Yes..I am ready...
Today card
My Daily Card
The Ten of Spades
The Ten of Spades is one of the best cards for success and satisfaction in your work and in health, though you may also expect to work very hard when it is present. Overcoming of all obstacles in work and health are the attributes of this card.
Like the Ten of Wands in the Tarot deck, your work may often seem to be a burden under this card's influence, or you may become obsessed with all the things that you have to do. This card can be a 'workaholic' kind of influence. However, if you have a list of specific goals and want to achieve them successfully, there is hardly a better card to have in your reading than this one.
Soul
So true..was working on Isha deck for the past 3 hours.
Woke up 4.50 am but feel bit sorry for myself cos off days but need to wake up early. Just want to have bit if rest and so I slept back and wake up at 5.30 am.
Just did one cycle of Yoga Namaskar and Surya kriya. Feet alignment is okay.
Breathing in arashidharna but I didn't sat long cos tot I won't have much time.
Shakti was great...laughing towards the end.
Shambavi good too..towards the end just sat in arashidharna in silence.
Was in hospital with dad...just take it as it is. Remembering that this is more easier than volunteering in Isha.
Saw that Y has switched on his whatsapp but I am no longer in his calling list. Feeling bit sad...wish I got over him...
Never mind..there is an abundance of right partner for me...no need to hold on to someone who is gone..
Rebirth
"In Zen you are coming from nowhere and you are going to nowhere. You are just now, here, neither coming nor going. Everything passes by you; your consciousness reflects it but it does not get identified.Your consciousness is only a mirror. Neither do you come, nor do you go. Things come and go. You become young, you become old; you are alive, you are dead. All these states are simply reflections in an eternal pool of consciousness." Osho
Whatever the space you're in right now – sleepy and depressed, or roaring and rebellious – be aware that it will evolve into something new if you allow it. It is a time of growth and change.
Soul
Yes..I am ready...
Today card
My Daily Card
The Ten of Spades
The Ten of Spades is one of the best cards for success and satisfaction in your work and in health, though you may also expect to work very hard when it is present. Overcoming of all obstacles in work and health are the attributes of this card.
Like the Ten of Wands in the Tarot deck, your work may often seem to be a burden under this card's influence, or you may become obsessed with all the things that you have to do. This card can be a 'workaholic' kind of influence. However, if you have a list of specific goals and want to achieve them successfully, there is hardly a better card to have in your reading than this one.
Soul
So true..was working on Isha deck for the past 3 hours.
The journey of Love prepares the ground for meditation
Mar 5 eve
Just now tot of sharing with Y, the new French cafe. Then I remember I can't anymore.
Maturity
Really love - just being in the presence of the other u feel suddenly happy, just being together u feel ecstatic, just the very presence of the other fulfills something deep in ur heart - something starts singing in ur heart, u fall into harmony.
Soul
When I asked Y what makes him happy. He was surprised as it never occur to him. Then after awhile he replied that when he read my messages, he feels happy. Alas he doesn't goes for happiness. His North node in Leo said his life path is to be happy.
I know the things that makes me happy. Being with Y do makes me happy. Knowing he is there makes me happy.
Maturity
Be alert - never think of sex as love, otherwise u be deceived. Be alert, and when u start feeling with someone that just the presence, the pure presence - nothing else, nothing else is needed; u don't ask anything, just that the presence, just that the other is, is enough to make u happy ... Something starts flowering within u, a thousand and one lotuses bloom, then you are in love.
And then u can pass through all the difficulties that reality creates. Many anguishes, many anxieties - you will be able to pass through all of them and your love will be flowering more and more, because all those situations will become challenges. And your love, by overcoming them, will grow more and more strong.
Soul
Amen.
Maturity
Love makes u real; otherwise u remain just a fantasy, a dream with no substance. But it is only half the journey; the other half has to be completed in meditation, in awareness. But love prepares u for the other half. Between love and awareness, between these two banks, the river of being flows.
Don't avoid love. Go through it, with all its pains. Yes, it hurts, but if you are in love, it doesn't matter. In fact, all those hurts strengthen you. Sometimes it really hurts badly, terribly, but all those wounds are necessary to provoke you, to challenge u, to makes u less sleepy. All those dangerous situations are to make u alert. Love prepares the ground, and in the soil of love, the seed of meditation can grow - and only in the soil of love.
So those who escape from the world of fear will never attain to meditation. They can sit in the Himalayan caves for lives together, they will not attain to meditation - they have not earned it. First it has to be earned in the world; first they have to prepare the soil. And it is only love that prepares the soil.
Soul
My soil is ready. Today I paid up for Kailash. After five years in Isha, I am ready to go home. Coincidentally this year Sadhguru will spend all 21 days in Kailash.
Maturity
Hence my insistence not to renounce the world. Be in it, take its challenge, accepts its danger, its hurts, its wounds. Go through it. Don't avoid it, don't try to find shortcut because there is none. It is a struggle, it is ardous, it is an uphill task, but that's how one reaches the peak.
And the joy will be more. The closer u come to the peak, the higher the joy rises in u. Ur spirit soars high. U earn it, it is not free. And the more u paid for it, the more u will enjoy it.
The journey creates the goal. The goal is not sitting there at the end of the journey, the journey creates it at each step. The journey is the goal. The journey and the goal are not separate, they are not two things. The end is spread over all the way; all the means contain the end.
Soul
For the first time I can now begin to understand this Osho card on journey.
So instead of lamenting why I haven't reach my goal of my husband. I can now see my journey and the profile development of my partner. It has definitely improved. And I have overcome my fear or rejection.
Maturity
Once u are Real, u can't become unreal again. But one had to earn it. Let me repeat; in life u cannot get anything free. And if u do get it, it is useless. U have to pay, and the more I pay for it, the more u will get out of it.
So never miss the opportunity of living, of being alive, of being responsible, of being committed, of getting involved. Don't be a coward. Face life, encounter it. And then slowly, slowly something in u crystallise.
If u can risk ur whole life in love, great will be ur attainment. Love will send u back to urself; it will gives u a few reflections of meditation.
Soul
Courage card.
Just now tot of sharing with Y, the new French cafe. Then I remember I can't anymore.
Maturity
Really love - just being in the presence of the other u feel suddenly happy, just being together u feel ecstatic, just the very presence of the other fulfills something deep in ur heart - something starts singing in ur heart, u fall into harmony.
Soul
When I asked Y what makes him happy. He was surprised as it never occur to him. Then after awhile he replied that when he read my messages, he feels happy. Alas he doesn't goes for happiness. His North node in Leo said his life path is to be happy.
I know the things that makes me happy. Being with Y do makes me happy. Knowing he is there makes me happy.
Maturity
Be alert - never think of sex as love, otherwise u be deceived. Be alert, and when u start feeling with someone that just the presence, the pure presence - nothing else, nothing else is needed; u don't ask anything, just that the presence, just that the other is, is enough to make u happy ... Something starts flowering within u, a thousand and one lotuses bloom, then you are in love.
And then u can pass through all the difficulties that reality creates. Many anguishes, many anxieties - you will be able to pass through all of them and your love will be flowering more and more, because all those situations will become challenges. And your love, by overcoming them, will grow more and more strong.
Soul
Amen.
Maturity
Love makes u real; otherwise u remain just a fantasy, a dream with no substance. But it is only half the journey; the other half has to be completed in meditation, in awareness. But love prepares u for the other half. Between love and awareness, between these two banks, the river of being flows.
Don't avoid love. Go through it, with all its pains. Yes, it hurts, but if you are in love, it doesn't matter. In fact, all those hurts strengthen you. Sometimes it really hurts badly, terribly, but all those wounds are necessary to provoke you, to challenge u, to makes u less sleepy. All those dangerous situations are to make u alert. Love prepares the ground, and in the soil of love, the seed of meditation can grow - and only in the soil of love.
So those who escape from the world of fear will never attain to meditation. They can sit in the Himalayan caves for lives together, they will not attain to meditation - they have not earned it. First it has to be earned in the world; first they have to prepare the soil. And it is only love that prepares the soil.
Soul
My soil is ready. Today I paid up for Kailash. After five years in Isha, I am ready to go home. Coincidentally this year Sadhguru will spend all 21 days in Kailash.
Maturity
Hence my insistence not to renounce the world. Be in it, take its challenge, accepts its danger, its hurts, its wounds. Go through it. Don't avoid it, don't try to find shortcut because there is none. It is a struggle, it is ardous, it is an uphill task, but that's how one reaches the peak.
And the joy will be more. The closer u come to the peak, the higher the joy rises in u. Ur spirit soars high. U earn it, it is not free. And the more u paid for it, the more u will enjoy it.
The journey creates the goal. The goal is not sitting there at the end of the journey, the journey creates it at each step. The journey is the goal. The journey and the goal are not separate, they are not two things. The end is spread over all the way; all the means contain the end.
Soul
For the first time I can now begin to understand this Osho card on journey.
So instead of lamenting why I haven't reach my goal of my husband. I can now see my journey and the profile development of my partner. It has definitely improved. And I have overcome my fear or rejection.
Maturity
Once u are Real, u can't become unreal again. But one had to earn it. Let me repeat; in life u cannot get anything free. And if u do get it, it is useless. U have to pay, and the more I pay for it, the more u will get out of it.
So never miss the opportunity of living, of being alive, of being responsible, of being committed, of getting involved. Don't be a coward. Face life, encounter it. And then slowly, slowly something in u crystallise.
If u can risk ur whole life in love, great will be ur attainment. Love will send u back to urself; it will gives u a few reflections of meditation.
Soul
Courage card.
Osho - mature people rise in love and not fall in love
Mar 5
Today woke up 3.50 am. Body was fine. Had tots of Y but I waived it off by reaffirming my wish.
Did Bhoota Suddhi and Guru pooja.
Did 3 cycles of Yoga Namaskar, the spine is less stressful during the squatting posture.
Did 3 cycles of Surya kriya. Feet alignment be out if I didn't ensure my hand correctly placed.
Did a quick Shavasana.
Breathing was automatically in arashidharna posture. Such stillness. A real breakthrough. Even the breathe is so silent that I could barely sense it.
Maturity
Those who fall in love don't have any love, that's why they fall in love. And because they don't have any love, they can't give. U can go on changing ur husband or wife a thousand and one times, u will again find the same type of woman and the same misery repeated - in different forms.
U can change wife but u are not changed - now who is going to choose new wife? You will choose. The choice will come out of immaturity again. U will choose a similar type of woman again.
Soul
Tot of Z and new wife. Truly same. Previous one was Queen of Clubs ruling and new one is Jack of Clubs ruling. At least previous one was Six of Hearts in Destiny, this one is Seven of Clubs in Destiny.
Maturity.
And one more thing - an immature person always falls in love in with another immature person, because they can understand each other's language. A mature person loves a mature person. When u are a mature person psychologically, spiritually, u don't fall in love with a baby. It does not happen. It cannot happen.
So the basic problem of love is to first become mature. Then u will attract a mature partner, then immature people will not attract u.
Soul
I have hope.
The partner I attract was physical with Z. And then mental and spiritual with Y. I am becoming more mature.
Maturity
In fact a mature person does not fall in love, he rises in love. Only immature people fall, they stumble and fall down in love. Somehow they were managing and standing. Now they cannot stand - they find a man and they are gone, vice versa. They always ready to fall. They don't have the integrity to stand alone.
A mature person has the integrity to be alone. When a mature person gives love, he gives without string attached. When a mature person gives love, he feels grateful that u have accepted his love, not vice versa.
And when two mature persons are in love, one of the greatest paradox of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone. Their oneness does not destroy their individuality. Two mature persons in love help each other to become more free. There is no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. Their individualities is not effaced - they have become enhanced.
Immature people falling in love destroy each other freedom, create a bondage, make a prison. Mature persons in love helps each other to be more free; they help each other destroy all sorts of bondages. And when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence, there is ugliness.
Soul
That's it. When I was young I said I love the person not because he woo me. I love him
Because its him. He need not do anything for me.
Looks like I m on the right track. Amen
Father, thanks for letting me wait for so long, thanks for letting me have time to grow to be mature.
I am finally ready.
Maturity
Maturity means that one is no longer a romantic fool. One understand life, one understands the responsibility of life, one understand the problems of being together with a person. One accepts all the difficulties and yet decide to live with the person. One is not hoping that there is only going to be heaven, all roses. One is not hoping nonsense. There are roses but far and few between; there are many thorns.
When u have become alert to all these problems and still decide that it is worthwhile to risk and to be with a person rather than to be alone, then get married. Then marriage never kills love, because love is realistic. Marriage can only kills romantic love.
Today woke up 3.50 am. Body was fine. Had tots of Y but I waived it off by reaffirming my wish.
Did Bhoota Suddhi and Guru pooja.
Did 3 cycles of Yoga Namaskar, the spine is less stressful during the squatting posture.
Did 3 cycles of Surya kriya. Feet alignment be out if I didn't ensure my hand correctly placed.
Did a quick Shavasana.
Breathing was automatically in arashidharna posture. Such stillness. A real breakthrough. Even the breathe is so silent that I could barely sense it.
Maturity
Those who fall in love don't have any love, that's why they fall in love. And because they don't have any love, they can't give. U can go on changing ur husband or wife a thousand and one times, u will again find the same type of woman and the same misery repeated - in different forms.
U can change wife but u are not changed - now who is going to choose new wife? You will choose. The choice will come out of immaturity again. U will choose a similar type of woman again.
Soul
Tot of Z and new wife. Truly same. Previous one was Queen of Clubs ruling and new one is Jack of Clubs ruling. At least previous one was Six of Hearts in Destiny, this one is Seven of Clubs in Destiny.
Maturity.
And one more thing - an immature person always falls in love in with another immature person, because they can understand each other's language. A mature person loves a mature person. When u are a mature person psychologically, spiritually, u don't fall in love with a baby. It does not happen. It cannot happen.
So the basic problem of love is to first become mature. Then u will attract a mature partner, then immature people will not attract u.
Soul
I have hope.
The partner I attract was physical with Z. And then mental and spiritual with Y. I am becoming more mature.
Maturity
In fact a mature person does not fall in love, he rises in love. Only immature people fall, they stumble and fall down in love. Somehow they were managing and standing. Now they cannot stand - they find a man and they are gone, vice versa. They always ready to fall. They don't have the integrity to stand alone.
A mature person has the integrity to be alone. When a mature person gives love, he gives without string attached. When a mature person gives love, he feels grateful that u have accepted his love, not vice versa.
And when two mature persons are in love, one of the greatest paradox of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone. Their oneness does not destroy their individuality. Two mature persons in love help each other to become more free. There is no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. Their individualities is not effaced - they have become enhanced.
Immature people falling in love destroy each other freedom, create a bondage, make a prison. Mature persons in love helps each other to be more free; they help each other destroy all sorts of bondages. And when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence, there is ugliness.
Soul
That's it. When I was young I said I love the person not because he woo me. I love him
Because its him. He need not do anything for me.
Looks like I m on the right track. Amen
Father, thanks for letting me wait for so long, thanks for letting me have time to grow to be mature.
I am finally ready.
Maturity
Maturity means that one is no longer a romantic fool. One understand life, one understands the responsibility of life, one understand the problems of being together with a person. One accepts all the difficulties and yet decide to live with the person. One is not hoping that there is only going to be heaven, all roses. One is not hoping nonsense. There are roses but far and few between; there are many thorns.
When u have become alert to all these problems and still decide that it is worthwhile to risk and to be with a person rather than to be alone, then get married. Then marriage never kills love, because love is realistic. Marriage can only kills romantic love.
Osho - maturity happens when you start loving rather than needing
Mar 4
Woke up before alarm. Just doze back and woke up upon alarm at 3.50 am. Pre-sleep meditation truly works.
Tot of my unlived youth on romantic relationship. Guess just have to go through this. Don't want to judge myself. I can't undo the past.
Did Bhoota Shuddi and head shaking non stop during the ending. Guru pooja was good.
Did one cycle of yoga Namaskar and Surya kriya.
Asanas was quite effortless. The sitting posture was great. Two leg sitting feels good to my back. One leg sitting is now a resting posture to me.
A awesome breathing meditation. I was finally sitting in true arashidharna. Breathe just happen. Just sitting without movement. Time just passed. I took much longer than more normal time. And it was effortless. It just happen.
Shakti was great. Kapala Bhakti is coming good. I was lost in bit of tots during first and second cycle. So intense. Since I took much longer in Shakti, I did an abridged Shambavi and yet the flow was great. Towards the end just sitting in arashidharna in stillness. There were no singing just silent stillness.
Coincidentally now on romantic relationship topic in Osho book. Had sexual tots of Z during asanas. Maybe just me missing Y. But at least I knew now memories of Z is only physical. When I tot of Y I tot of the day we both were watching Sadhguru's webstream in respective house and yet connecting by type chatting each other. I also remember our last date where we spend a whole day at his place and he pressure cooked beans for me. I remembered our sharing on our spiritual path. I missed his sharing of snippets and pictures. I remembered our quarrels too. Good memories.
Maturity
Love can have three dimensions.
The first is that of dependence; that's what happens to the majority of people. Husband and wife dependent on each other; exploiting each other, dominating each other, possess each other, they reduce each other to a commodity. In ninety nine percent of cases, that's what happening in the world. That's why love, which can open the gates of paradise, opens only the gates of hell.
The second possibility is love between two independent persons. That too happens once in a while. But that brings too much misery, because there is constant conflict. No adjustment is possible; both are so independent and nobody ready to compromise, to adjust with the other. Mostly poets, thinkers, scientist, those who live in a kind of independence, at least in their minds, are impossible to live with; they are eccentric. Relationship seems to be superficial; they are afraid to go deeper into each other because they are more attached to their freedom than to love and they don't want to compromise.
Soul
Tot of me and Z. Can't say that's me. Besides I know I can't live the life he offers. What I gained from him is to live my life fearlessly. Whereas he just live financial life fearlessly.
Maturity
Third possibility is of interdependence. That happens very rarely but whenever it happens a part of paradise falls on the earth. Two persons neither independent nor dependent but in a tremendous synchronicity, as if breathing for each other, one soul in two bodies - whenever that happens, love has happened. Call only this love.
The other two are not really love, they are just arrangements - social, psychological, biological but arrangements. The third is something spiritual.
Soul
I want the third one.
Maturity
The need love or deficiency love depends on the other; it is immature love. In fact it is not truly love - it is a need. But that's what happen to almost ninety nine percent of people because the first lesson of love that u learn is in ur childhood.
A child is born, he is dependent on his mother. His love toward the mother is a "deficiency-love", he needs the mother, he cannot survive without the mother. He loves the mother because mother is his life. In fact it is not love - he will love any woman, whosoever will protect him, whosever will help him survive, whosoever will help fill up his need. The mother is sort of the food he eats. It is not only milk that he gets, it is love also.
Millions of people remain childish all their lives; they never grow up. They grow in age but they never grow up in their minds, their psychology remains juvenile, immature. They are always needing love, they are hankering for it like food.
Soul
G said Z's wife looks up to Z whereas I don't. True I see Z as my equal. I don't look up to him; I think he looks up to me in terms of my financial stability and spiritual growth.
Y is definitely independent...he don't want to merge to bond..whereas I am...
Maturity
Man becomes mature the moment he starts loving rather than needing. He starts overflowing, sharing; he stars giving. The emphasis is totally different. With the first, the emphasis is on how to get more. With the second, the emphasis is on how to give, how to give more and how to give unconditionally. This is growth, this is maturity.
Only a mature person can gives because only a mature person has it. Then love is not dependent. Then u can be loving whether the other is or not. Then love is not a relationship, it is a state.
If I m alone, then too I will be as loving as when I am with u. It is not u who are creating my love. If u were creating my love, then naturally, when u are gone, my love be gone too. U are not pulling my love out, I m showering my love on u - this is "gift-love", it is "being-love".
Mar 4 eve
Y is back home and reverted email on official matter. I replied but there were no immediate response. The usual negative feeling emerge. But this time I can see my feelings coming up. There is no more eruptions.
Father, I am definitely getting over the fear of rejection. I no longer see no response as a measure of my lovability.
Today I realised that I fear letting go cos I have the issue on lack. I will now focus on abundance. There is an abundance of great partner available to me. Have faith.
Woke up before alarm. Just doze back and woke up upon alarm at 3.50 am. Pre-sleep meditation truly works.
Tot of my unlived youth on romantic relationship. Guess just have to go through this. Don't want to judge myself. I can't undo the past.
Did Bhoota Shuddi and head shaking non stop during the ending. Guru pooja was good.
Did one cycle of yoga Namaskar and Surya kriya.
Asanas was quite effortless. The sitting posture was great. Two leg sitting feels good to my back. One leg sitting is now a resting posture to me.
A awesome breathing meditation. I was finally sitting in true arashidharna. Breathe just happen. Just sitting without movement. Time just passed. I took much longer than more normal time. And it was effortless. It just happen.
Shakti was great. Kapala Bhakti is coming good. I was lost in bit of tots during first and second cycle. So intense. Since I took much longer in Shakti, I did an abridged Shambavi and yet the flow was great. Towards the end just sitting in arashidharna in stillness. There were no singing just silent stillness.
Coincidentally now on romantic relationship topic in Osho book. Had sexual tots of Z during asanas. Maybe just me missing Y. But at least I knew now memories of Z is only physical. When I tot of Y I tot of the day we both were watching Sadhguru's webstream in respective house and yet connecting by type chatting each other. I also remember our last date where we spend a whole day at his place and he pressure cooked beans for me. I remembered our sharing on our spiritual path. I missed his sharing of snippets and pictures. I remembered our quarrels too. Good memories.
Maturity
Love can have three dimensions.
The first is that of dependence; that's what happens to the majority of people. Husband and wife dependent on each other; exploiting each other, dominating each other, possess each other, they reduce each other to a commodity. In ninety nine percent of cases, that's what happening in the world. That's why love, which can open the gates of paradise, opens only the gates of hell.
The second possibility is love between two independent persons. That too happens once in a while. But that brings too much misery, because there is constant conflict. No adjustment is possible; both are so independent and nobody ready to compromise, to adjust with the other. Mostly poets, thinkers, scientist, those who live in a kind of independence, at least in their minds, are impossible to live with; they are eccentric. Relationship seems to be superficial; they are afraid to go deeper into each other because they are more attached to their freedom than to love and they don't want to compromise.
Soul
Tot of me and Z. Can't say that's me. Besides I know I can't live the life he offers. What I gained from him is to live my life fearlessly. Whereas he just live financial life fearlessly.
Maturity
Third possibility is of interdependence. That happens very rarely but whenever it happens a part of paradise falls on the earth. Two persons neither independent nor dependent but in a tremendous synchronicity, as if breathing for each other, one soul in two bodies - whenever that happens, love has happened. Call only this love.
The other two are not really love, they are just arrangements - social, psychological, biological but arrangements. The third is something spiritual.
Soul
I want the third one.
Maturity
The need love or deficiency love depends on the other; it is immature love. In fact it is not truly love - it is a need. But that's what happen to almost ninety nine percent of people because the first lesson of love that u learn is in ur childhood.
A child is born, he is dependent on his mother. His love toward the mother is a "deficiency-love", he needs the mother, he cannot survive without the mother. He loves the mother because mother is his life. In fact it is not love - he will love any woman, whosoever will protect him, whosever will help him survive, whosoever will help fill up his need. The mother is sort of the food he eats. It is not only milk that he gets, it is love also.
Millions of people remain childish all their lives; they never grow up. They grow in age but they never grow up in their minds, their psychology remains juvenile, immature. They are always needing love, they are hankering for it like food.
Soul
G said Z's wife looks up to Z whereas I don't. True I see Z as my equal. I don't look up to him; I think he looks up to me in terms of my financial stability and spiritual growth.
Y is definitely independent...he don't want to merge to bond..whereas I am...
Maturity
Man becomes mature the moment he starts loving rather than needing. He starts overflowing, sharing; he stars giving. The emphasis is totally different. With the first, the emphasis is on how to get more. With the second, the emphasis is on how to give, how to give more and how to give unconditionally. This is growth, this is maturity.
Only a mature person can gives because only a mature person has it. Then love is not dependent. Then u can be loving whether the other is or not. Then love is not a relationship, it is a state.
If I m alone, then too I will be as loving as when I am with u. It is not u who are creating my love. If u were creating my love, then naturally, when u are gone, my love be gone too. U are not pulling my love out, I m showering my love on u - this is "gift-love", it is "being-love".
Mar 4 eve
Y is back home and reverted email on official matter. I replied but there were no immediate response. The usual negative feeling emerge. But this time I can see my feelings coming up. There is no more eruptions.
Father, I am definitely getting over the fear of rejection. I no longer see no response as a measure of my lovability.
Today I realised that I fear letting go cos I have the issue on lack. I will now focus on abundance. There is an abundance of great partner available to me. Have faith.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Re-living childhood in adult life
Mar 3
Boss trying to get a degree to feel complete. I can see her compulsion. How about mine?
Me trying to get a partner to feel complete.
At first tot I got to be the Sathsang guide for this week. Also hearing not so great review on him. But then decided that I need not push myself. No need to burden myself. So I asked him to be the guide instead.
Father, no longer wish to be validated in Isha.
Mar 3 eve
Maturity
If a child has not lived his childhood well, then that unlived childhood will enter into his youth - because where will it go? It has to be lived. If he lives his childhood completely, he will become a young man, beautiful, fresh, uncontaminated. He will shed his childhood as a snake sheds its old skin.
Soul
Mmmmm, a tot came. My teenage years to young adult was retarded when it comes to romantic relationship. Due to my childhood I suppressed and controlled all my romantic feelings.
Then I fall for A and It took me one year plus before I finally declare my feelings. Alas he was not into me. I took a year plus to heal my broken heart.
By the time I was in mid thirties, I started to open and got conned. I was too fresh and naive for the guys in mid to late thirties.
After I got burned I took a long break, a few years and finally open to Z after my first Samyama. It took me more than one and half year to get over Z and then I fall for Y. Alas he too was not into me.
Father, am I retard. I am now forty six. Shouldn't I have let go of this dream of having my partner. Well, it is not lived. Perhaps I just need to live through it. Who knows, maybe the blocked energy will dissolve.
Maturity
A rightly lived childhood brings u to a right, ripe youth - flowing, vital, alive, a wild ocean of energy. A rightly lived youth brings you to the very settled, calm and quiet life. A calm and quiet life brings u to a religious inquiry. A calm and quiet life brings u to meditative moments. Meditation brings u to renounce all that is useless now, just junk, garbage. The whole life becomes garbage; only one thing remain always, eternally valuable, and that is ur awareness.
Boss trying to get a degree to feel complete. I can see her compulsion. How about mine?
Me trying to get a partner to feel complete.
At first tot I got to be the Sathsang guide for this week. Also hearing not so great review on him. But then decided that I need not push myself. No need to burden myself. So I asked him to be the guide instead.
Father, no longer wish to be validated in Isha.
Mar 3 eve
Maturity
If a child has not lived his childhood well, then that unlived childhood will enter into his youth - because where will it go? It has to be lived. If he lives his childhood completely, he will become a young man, beautiful, fresh, uncontaminated. He will shed his childhood as a snake sheds its old skin.
Soul
Mmmmm, a tot came. My teenage years to young adult was retarded when it comes to romantic relationship. Due to my childhood I suppressed and controlled all my romantic feelings.
Then I fall for A and It took me one year plus before I finally declare my feelings. Alas he was not into me. I took a year plus to heal my broken heart.
By the time I was in mid thirties, I started to open and got conned. I was too fresh and naive for the guys in mid to late thirties.
After I got burned I took a long break, a few years and finally open to Z after my first Samyama. It took me more than one and half year to get over Z and then I fall for Y. Alas he too was not into me.
Father, am I retard. I am now forty six. Shouldn't I have let go of this dream of having my partner. Well, it is not lived. Perhaps I just need to live through it. Who knows, maybe the blocked energy will dissolve.
Maturity
A rightly lived childhood brings u to a right, ripe youth - flowing, vital, alive, a wild ocean of energy. A rightly lived youth brings you to the very settled, calm and quiet life. A calm and quiet life brings u to a religious inquiry. A calm and quiet life brings u to meditative moments. Meditation brings u to renounce all that is useless now, just junk, garbage. The whole life becomes garbage; only one thing remain always, eternally valuable, and that is ur awareness.
Sadhguru dvd - Spinal Steps
Mar 2
Spinal steps DVD
Whatever experience is via the spine. The spine is the axis of the universe. U know the universe only from the context of ur own experience. The base of what ur experience is what is conducted through ur spine.
If u have a little mastery over how it is being conducted in ur spine, then u can ensure what kind of experience you are producing for yourself. Otherwise everything that happens becomes accidental. Once ur experience of life happens accidentally. Your very way of being is accidental - it's like being a potential calamity. Fear of what will happen to u destroy everything. The beauty and grace of being a human will be totally lost. Once the fear of what will happen is there in my mind.
If you cannot look at the trunk of the trees with tenderness in ur heart, u are not yet human. U are not yet attuned. The evolution process has been handed over to u.
If u are determining the nature of ur experience 100%. Would somebody have to tell u to create a loving experience? Nobody need to tell u to be pleasant.
The problem is you are unable to determine the nature of ur experience, for whatever the reason. If u are able to determine, nobody have to tell u how to live. It is most insulting.
If u take charge of what causing experience within u. If u are in charge of that, I am 100% sure, u will create pleasant experience for urself. I am also sure that if u create pleasant experience for urself, u will create pleasant experience for people around u. When u are feeling pleasant, ur body and mind will work its best. And if ur body and mind works at its best, u will be successful. It is the ability to use this four limbs and ur mind that makes u successful. It is not alignment of stars.
Whatever u want to experience, u just have to become willing to explore what is this, to become the most pleasant state. To be blissful, to be pleasant is not a virtue. It is not the passport to heaven. If u are loving and ecstatic u don't need heaven.
If u want to ensure that the sound u produce is good, the more u know about the mechanism, the better u be.
This is just a different direction. Different from the way that u normally use ur sense perception. Grace is what you need. Grace is the help.
Grace is the little lubricant that makes things happen. Without the lubricant, the frictions happen. Just the friction of life destroy human life. In the process of being alive, their life is destroyed without lubricant, without Grace.
Spinal steps DVD
Whatever experience is via the spine. The spine is the axis of the universe. U know the universe only from the context of ur own experience. The base of what ur experience is what is conducted through ur spine.
If u have a little mastery over how it is being conducted in ur spine, then u can ensure what kind of experience you are producing for yourself. Otherwise everything that happens becomes accidental. Once ur experience of life happens accidentally. Your very way of being is accidental - it's like being a potential calamity. Fear of what will happen to u destroy everything. The beauty and grace of being a human will be totally lost. Once the fear of what will happen is there in my mind.
If you cannot look at the trunk of the trees with tenderness in ur heart, u are not yet human. U are not yet attuned. The evolution process has been handed over to u.
If u are determining the nature of ur experience 100%. Would somebody have to tell u to create a loving experience? Nobody need to tell u to be pleasant.
The problem is you are unable to determine the nature of ur experience, for whatever the reason. If u are able to determine, nobody have to tell u how to live. It is most insulting.
If u take charge of what causing experience within u. If u are in charge of that, I am 100% sure, u will create pleasant experience for urself. I am also sure that if u create pleasant experience for urself, u will create pleasant experience for people around u. When u are feeling pleasant, ur body and mind will work its best. And if ur body and mind works at its best, u will be successful. It is the ability to use this four limbs and ur mind that makes u successful. It is not alignment of stars.
Whatever u want to experience, u just have to become willing to explore what is this, to become the most pleasant state. To be blissful, to be pleasant is not a virtue. It is not the passport to heaven. If u are loving and ecstatic u don't need heaven.
If u want to ensure that the sound u produce is good, the more u know about the mechanism, the better u be.
This is just a different direction. Different from the way that u normally use ur sense perception. Grace is what you need. Grace is the help.
Grace is the little lubricant that makes things happen. Without the lubricant, the frictions happen. Just the friction of life destroy human life. In the process of being alive, their life is destroyed without lubricant, without Grace.
Love
Feb 28 eve
Did my first evening Bhoota Shuddi followed by Guru pooja. Samyama was good. Shoonya great too.
Watched a few hours of television drama.
Now night is here. Tot of Y came. Maybe its tot of me being alone came. Part of me said why never ending. The other part says that my Soul path. So don't judge myself.
From Facebook
Love comes to those who still hopes even though they been disappointed, to those who still believed even though they been betrayed, to those who still love even though they been hurt before.
Soul
Yes. That's me.
Feeling bit tired. Also guess don't want to know what's next. U
Did my first evening Bhoota Shuddi followed by Guru pooja. Samyama was good. Shoonya great too.
Watched a few hours of television drama.
Now night is here. Tot of Y came. Maybe its tot of me being alone came. Part of me said why never ending. The other part says that my Soul path. So don't judge myself.
From Facebook
Love comes to those who still hopes even though they been disappointed, to those who still believed even though they been betrayed, to those who still love even though they been hurt before.
Soul
Yes. That's me.
Feeling bit tired. Also guess don't want to know what's next. U
Mahashivarathri - amazing webstream experience
Feb 28
What a night...yesterday was my best Maha ever.
I was knocked out.
Head shaking furiously and body moving like it never did before.
There was a part whereby the head was turning in slow motion to right and left...I see it happening but unable to control it.
I was also in total stillness for quite a long while. It has never happen for such a long period.
I know it was still but I couldn't move my body.
K asked me whether I was in samadhi as i was sitting in stillness for a long while.
Time passed very quickly...without realisng, its was time for Shambo and later Aum Namah Shivaya meditation..and already 3 plus am.
I only took one break at 3 am plus after dinner...never happen before..
From 10.30 pm to 3 plus am, just sitting there.
Yesterday card was Jupiter, Seven of Diamonds...
Saw Z and wife..no more hurt..just wondering when is my turn.
Truly over...alas now just need to keep faith on myself
But while waiting, just savouring my aloneness.
Many people whom I haven't met for the past six months said I lost a lot of weight. Guess thats great..I am back to my natural size.
North node in Taurus
In past lives, they become dependent on soul mate relationship to provide the nurturing to feel renewed and satisfied. In this lifetime, whenever they depend on others to fill these needs, they feel let down. It's set up this way because their lesson is to become independent in meeting their own needs.
Their lesson in this lifetime is to focus less on bonding and more on building their values - then they attract the right mate.
In past lives, these folks are used to giving everything and having the other person reciprocate. But in this incarnation, much to their surprise, it's not in their charts for others to take care of them in the same co-dependent way. This is the universe way of helping them break abusive co- dependency and learn to be more self-contained.
When they no longer need a person to make them feel whole, only then will they attract the right life partner.
Soul
Good reminder on why I am still alone.
Like I told G, best to work out the karma in a few relationships rather than to one long karmic marriage.
When I do get married, it will be blessing marriage, not a karmic one.
What a night...yesterday was my best Maha ever.
I was knocked out.
Head shaking furiously and body moving like it never did before.
There was a part whereby the head was turning in slow motion to right and left...I see it happening but unable to control it.
I was also in total stillness for quite a long while. It has never happen for such a long period.
I know it was still but I couldn't move my body.
K asked me whether I was in samadhi as i was sitting in stillness for a long while.
Time passed very quickly...without realisng, its was time for Shambo and later Aum Namah Shivaya meditation..and already 3 plus am.
I only took one break at 3 am plus after dinner...never happen before..
From 10.30 pm to 3 plus am, just sitting there.
Yesterday card was Jupiter, Seven of Diamonds...
Saw Z and wife..no more hurt..just wondering when is my turn.
Truly over...alas now just need to keep faith on myself
But while waiting, just savouring my aloneness.
Many people whom I haven't met for the past six months said I lost a lot of weight. Guess thats great..I am back to my natural size.
North node in Taurus
In past lives, they become dependent on soul mate relationship to provide the nurturing to feel renewed and satisfied. In this lifetime, whenever they depend on others to fill these needs, they feel let down. It's set up this way because their lesson is to become independent in meeting their own needs.
Their lesson in this lifetime is to focus less on bonding and more on building their values - then they attract the right mate.
In past lives, these folks are used to giving everything and having the other person reciprocate. But in this incarnation, much to their surprise, it's not in their charts for others to take care of them in the same co-dependent way. This is the universe way of helping them break abusive co- dependency and learn to be more self-contained.
When they no longer need a person to make them feel whole, only then will they attract the right life partner.
Soul
Good reminder on why I am still alone.
Like I told G, best to work out the karma in a few relationships rather than to one long karmic marriage.
When I do get married, it will be blessing marriage, not a karmic one.
Seven of Diamonds - me to focus on abundnce instead of lack
Feb 27
Yoga Namaskar still not good..Quite stress on the knee
Surya kriya is good too
Lovely breathing
My Daily Card
The Seven of Diamonds
The Seven of Diamonds is one of the spiritual money cards. When it appears we are always confronted with how attached we are to our money and given an opportunity to experience the real prosperity that comes with an attitude of gratitude.
Whether it is about money, plans to make money, or love, situations will present themselves that test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realizing and then releasing our fears, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.
Soul
Was meditating..now that I lost Y, suddenly have memories of Z, I told myself just remember that Universe brought me Y...and the next right one will come along. Believe in abundance,..
Yoga Namaskar still not good..Quite stress on the knee
Surya kriya is good too
Lovely breathing
My Daily Card
The Seven of Diamonds
The Seven of Diamonds is one of the spiritual money cards. When it appears we are always confronted with how attached we are to our money and given an opportunity to experience the real prosperity that comes with an attitude of gratitude.
Whether it is about money, plans to make money, or love, situations will present themselves that test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realizing and then releasing our fears, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.
Soul
Was meditating..now that I lost Y, suddenly have memories of Z, I told myself just remember that Universe brought me Y...and the next right one will come along. Believe in abundance,..
Nine of Spades
Feb 26 aft
North node in Taurus
Exposure
A negative emotion floats by and they grab it, hold on to it and try to hide it. It takes tremendous energy to hide these feelings from others and the fear that someone will find out how they feel generates a lot of anxiety. They should practice revealing their emotions layer by layer. Through this process, their negative inner feelings are permanently discharged and they begin to experience less anxiety in all their interactions.
Soul
Just now just inform a meditator on his lack of commitment causing us distress. The old me would have kept this. But the new me..will release in the moment. No more keeping my feelings.
My Daily Card in Mars today.
The Nine of Spades
The Nine of Spades can be a card of loss and disappointment. However, the true nature of the card reveals that its presence in your life for any period of time does not have to be a disaster. In actuality, the Nine of Spades represents making a completion of some importance. Whether this is the end of a certain occupation, way of life, or way of being with your health and body will depend upon the position of the card and the circumstances in your life at the time. But rest assured that some important aspect of your life is coming to an end when this potent card shows up.
This is also one of the death cards and indeed, when this card shows up there will be a death in your life of some kind. We go through many mini-deaths in the course of our lifetime and just like the snake shedding its skin, arrive at a new and better place each time we do so. Therefore the Nine of Spades is not a card to be feared but instead a card to be welcomed. It always has the ability to clear away all the unwanted and useless debris in our life and put us back on a new course where we are much more enlivened and satisfied.
Soul
So appropriate..thats my today card.
The Power of Now
To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease and lightness.
This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad.
It seems almost paradoxical, yet when your inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly.
Things, people or conditions that you thought you needed for your happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part, and you are free to enjoy and appreciate them - while they last.
All those things, of course, will still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone, there is no fear of loss anymore.
Life flows with ease.
Soul
this is similar to the one I read on Maturity this afternoon. About accepting life's duality.
In that silence and acceptance, we flower with fragrance of love.
North node in Taurus
Exposure
A negative emotion floats by and they grab it, hold on to it and try to hide it. It takes tremendous energy to hide these feelings from others and the fear that someone will find out how they feel generates a lot of anxiety. They should practice revealing their emotions layer by layer. Through this process, their negative inner feelings are permanently discharged and they begin to experience less anxiety in all their interactions.
Soul
Just now just inform a meditator on his lack of commitment causing us distress. The old me would have kept this. But the new me..will release in the moment. No more keeping my feelings.
My Daily Card in Mars today.
The Nine of Spades
The Nine of Spades can be a card of loss and disappointment. However, the true nature of the card reveals that its presence in your life for any period of time does not have to be a disaster. In actuality, the Nine of Spades represents making a completion of some importance. Whether this is the end of a certain occupation, way of life, or way of being with your health and body will depend upon the position of the card and the circumstances in your life at the time. But rest assured that some important aspect of your life is coming to an end when this potent card shows up.
This is also one of the death cards and indeed, when this card shows up there will be a death in your life of some kind. We go through many mini-deaths in the course of our lifetime and just like the snake shedding its skin, arrive at a new and better place each time we do so. Therefore the Nine of Spades is not a card to be feared but instead a card to be welcomed. It always has the ability to clear away all the unwanted and useless debris in our life and put us back on a new course where we are much more enlivened and satisfied.
Soul
So appropriate..thats my today card.
The Power of Now
To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease and lightness.
This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad.
It seems almost paradoxical, yet when your inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly.
Things, people or conditions that you thought you needed for your happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part, and you are free to enjoy and appreciate them - while they last.
All those things, of course, will still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone, there is no fear of loss anymore.
Life flows with ease.
Soul
this is similar to the one I read on Maturity this afternoon. About accepting life's duality.
In that silence and acceptance, we flower with fragrance of love.
Osho - Life is dialetic
Feb 26
Today woke up 4.50 am. Body feel fine but mind is acting up. Laze a bit before I finally woke up.
Light the flame for both Devi and Dhynalinga. Wrongly use left hand and split some oil.
Did Bhoota Shuddi and sang guru pooja.
Did one cycle of yoga Namaskar and surya kriya, followed by asanas. Asanas were good.
Breathing was lovely. I think I sat too long.
Shakti was not as focused. Tots coming in during Kapala Bhakti and I lost count for all three cycles. Despite this when I exhaled for Kapala I was laughing. Towards the end I felt an intense feeling within and immediately hissing of breathe happens. Singing comes in. Finally I can fly in Shakti.
Today no time to do Shambavi.
Just done afternoon Shoonya, a knockout. So thankful for Isha practices.
Maturity
Maturity is awareness. Ageing is just wasting yourself.
The most fundamental thing to remember is that life is dialectical. It exists through duality, it is a rhythm between two opposites. U cannot be happy forever, otherwise happiness will lose all meaning. U cannot be in harmony forever, otherwise u will become unaware of the harmony. Both harmony and happiness is followed my discord and unhappiness.
Every pleasure has its own pain and every pain its own pleasure.
Unless one understand this duality of existence, one remains in unnecessary misery.
Seeing this rhythm one is at ease, at ease with both. When unhappiness comes one welcomes it, knowing that they are partners in the same game.
This is something that has to be continuously remembered. If it becomes a fundamental remembrance in you, ur life will have a totally new flavour - the flavour of freedom, the flavour of unclingingness, the flavour of non attachment. Whatsoever comes, u remain still, silent, accepting.
And the person who is capable of being still, silent, accepting of pain, frustration and misery, transforms the very quality of misery itself. To him misery also becomes a treasure; to him, even pain gives a sharpness.
Soul
Mmmmm, used to see this. But today a glimmer hits on.
The last two days can see that all the teachers sees P as the lead. At first the ego takes a hit. But I look at it and I know I never want the lead. I don't want to do karma yoga. I just do what is needed. I just want to be mindless, to have my space.
Same as marriage. I prefer to work out all my karma on exes rather than to have to do with my husband. Z doesn't want to undo karma on his own and now have to go through the marriage process. Not for me.
Maturity
The quality of a mature person are very strange.
He is no longer a self - he has a presence, he is no longer a person. Second he is more like a child, simple and innocent.
Maturity has nothing to do with ur life experiences. It has something to do with ur inward journey, ur experiences of inner.
The more a man goes deeper into himself the more mature he is.
Maturity has a fragrance. It gives tremendous beauty to the individual. It gives intelligence, the sharpest possible intelligence. He is just a flower of love.
Soul
Amen
I m looking beautiful. Also no more phelgm in the morning after I started Bhoota.
Just know when I look at Kailash, I felt like its home.
Maturity
When u are mature. Something new arises in u, absolutely new and Virgin, which transform ur whole life into joy. U have become a stranger to the miserable world, u don't create misery for urself or for anybody else. U live ur life in total freedom, without any consideration for what others will say.
The people who are always considering others and their opinions are immature. They are dependent on the opinions of others. They can't do anything authentically, honestly can't say what they want to say - they say what others want to hear.
Today woke up 4.50 am. Body feel fine but mind is acting up. Laze a bit before I finally woke up.
Light the flame for both Devi and Dhynalinga. Wrongly use left hand and split some oil.
Did Bhoota Shuddi and sang guru pooja.
Did one cycle of yoga Namaskar and surya kriya, followed by asanas. Asanas were good.
Breathing was lovely. I think I sat too long.
Shakti was not as focused. Tots coming in during Kapala Bhakti and I lost count for all three cycles. Despite this when I exhaled for Kapala I was laughing. Towards the end I felt an intense feeling within and immediately hissing of breathe happens. Singing comes in. Finally I can fly in Shakti.
Today no time to do Shambavi.
Just done afternoon Shoonya, a knockout. So thankful for Isha practices.
Maturity
Maturity is awareness. Ageing is just wasting yourself.
The most fundamental thing to remember is that life is dialectical. It exists through duality, it is a rhythm between two opposites. U cannot be happy forever, otherwise happiness will lose all meaning. U cannot be in harmony forever, otherwise u will become unaware of the harmony. Both harmony and happiness is followed my discord and unhappiness.
Every pleasure has its own pain and every pain its own pleasure.
Unless one understand this duality of existence, one remains in unnecessary misery.
Seeing this rhythm one is at ease, at ease with both. When unhappiness comes one welcomes it, knowing that they are partners in the same game.
This is something that has to be continuously remembered. If it becomes a fundamental remembrance in you, ur life will have a totally new flavour - the flavour of freedom, the flavour of unclingingness, the flavour of non attachment. Whatsoever comes, u remain still, silent, accepting.
And the person who is capable of being still, silent, accepting of pain, frustration and misery, transforms the very quality of misery itself. To him misery also becomes a treasure; to him, even pain gives a sharpness.
Soul
Mmmmm, used to see this. But today a glimmer hits on.
The last two days can see that all the teachers sees P as the lead. At first the ego takes a hit. But I look at it and I know I never want the lead. I don't want to do karma yoga. I just do what is needed. I just want to be mindless, to have my space.
Same as marriage. I prefer to work out all my karma on exes rather than to have to do with my husband. Z doesn't want to undo karma on his own and now have to go through the marriage process. Not for me.
Maturity
The quality of a mature person are very strange.
He is no longer a self - he has a presence, he is no longer a person. Second he is more like a child, simple and innocent.
Maturity has nothing to do with ur life experiences. It has something to do with ur inward journey, ur experiences of inner.
The more a man goes deeper into himself the more mature he is.
Maturity has a fragrance. It gives tremendous beauty to the individual. It gives intelligence, the sharpest possible intelligence. He is just a flower of love.
Soul
Amen
I m looking beautiful. Also no more phelgm in the morning after I started Bhoota.
Just know when I look at Kailash, I felt like its home.
Maturity
When u are mature. Something new arises in u, absolutely new and Virgin, which transform ur whole life into joy. U have become a stranger to the miserable world, u don't create misery for urself or for anybody else. U live ur life in total freedom, without any consideration for what others will say.
The people who are always considering others and their opinions are immature. They are dependent on the opinions of others. They can't do anything authentically, honestly can't say what they want to say - they say what others want to hear.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Z and wife karmic relationship
Feb 24 eve
Today was truly hectic.
Couldn't even find time to do Shoonya as got to join boss for lunch.
Took comfort in some nice food.
Follow up by the best brownie I have ever eaten.
Today, Z and wife signed up for program and I saw their birth date. Took a check on Z's wife. She is Seven of Clubs Destiny and Jack of Club Ruling. Coincidentally, Z is Seven of Spades Destiny and Jack of Diamonds Ruling.
Truly both are the player that I saw through.
Z's ex wife was Six of Heart Destiny and Queen of Clubs Ruling and now he goes for another strong Clubs. He is repeating his karma.
Both Sevens and Jacks...truly strong mirror. Can see their attraction due to similarity. But these similarity will compound the problems that each other faces.
As I was driving, I am glad that Z didn't choose me cos he is truly not right for me. Eventhough I don't have Y but I am okay not having Z either.
Reach home, light both the flame of Devi and Dhynalinga.
Did Samyama...for a long while. I was just focused on Dhynalinga and connect to it. After a while, body was moving and breathe was hissing. Hissing continue for a long while and suddenly I found myself clapping hands for a long period. Then followed with hissing of breathe and then silence. This continue for 2 cycles. I can't remember that I clap hand in Samyama at home. I remember clapping hands in the Ashram during Samyama program and sadhana. Looks like home practices for Samyama went through another level. Amen
Now relaxing and suddenly tot of checking out Z and wife's card. Such irony..just when I go through them and I slowly but surely releasing Y and having faith that Linga will send me my husband and I got their cards.
Out of curiosity and also to check the reliability of 7thunder cards. Looks like my prediction was correct. Time will tell. In two years things will unfold...
Jack of Diamonds with Jack of Clubs - KRMA, SAR, NEF, NER and SAF = Attraction is 4, Intensity is 6 and Compatibility is 0
Jack of Diamonds with Seven of Clubs - PLR, CRF, MARS, VEF and MAR = Attraction is 6, Intensity is 5 and Compatibility is 0
Mmm, suddenly I recalled Z like Sadhguru's message of marriage is meant for growth and not for compatibility. When I first saw it, I tot thats weird as most people would go for compatibility to have a harmonious marriage. The fact that he goes for this means that his marriage is not compatible.
Seven of Spades with Jack of Clubs - VER, MAF, CRRS, MAR and CRR = Attraction is 7, Intensity is 3 and Compatibility is 3
Seven of Spades with Seven of Clubs - SAR, URF, VEMS, JUFS and VEM = Attraction is 2, Intensity is 0 and Compatibility is 2
Seven of Spades with Queen of Clubs - MAFS, CRFS, VEF, CLRS and VEFS = Attraction is 7, Intensity is 4 and Compatibility is 3
Similiarity between Jack of Clubs an Queen of Clubs. Looks like history repeats itself. No wonder when he go together with the wife, it was Neptune period and it was said not to make decision as the partner is 'dreamy' and not real.
(Mar 15 - well there is many Venus...so they are truly attractd to each other. Hope they both found the growth they need)
Today was truly hectic.
Couldn't even find time to do Shoonya as got to join boss for lunch.
Took comfort in some nice food.
Follow up by the best brownie I have ever eaten.
Today, Z and wife signed up for program and I saw their birth date. Took a check on Z's wife. She is Seven of Clubs Destiny and Jack of Club Ruling. Coincidentally, Z is Seven of Spades Destiny and Jack of Diamonds Ruling.
Truly both are the player that I saw through.
Z's ex wife was Six of Heart Destiny and Queen of Clubs Ruling and now he goes for another strong Clubs. He is repeating his karma.
Both Sevens and Jacks...truly strong mirror. Can see their attraction due to similarity. But these similarity will compound the problems that each other faces.
As I was driving, I am glad that Z didn't choose me cos he is truly not right for me. Eventhough I don't have Y but I am okay not having Z either.
Reach home, light both the flame of Devi and Dhynalinga.
Did Samyama...for a long while. I was just focused on Dhynalinga and connect to it. After a while, body was moving and breathe was hissing. Hissing continue for a long while and suddenly I found myself clapping hands for a long period. Then followed with hissing of breathe and then silence. This continue for 2 cycles. I can't remember that I clap hand in Samyama at home. I remember clapping hands in the Ashram during Samyama program and sadhana. Looks like home practices for Samyama went through another level. Amen
Now relaxing and suddenly tot of checking out Z and wife's card. Such irony..just when I go through them and I slowly but surely releasing Y and having faith that Linga will send me my husband and I got their cards.
Out of curiosity and also to check the reliability of 7thunder cards. Looks like my prediction was correct. Time will tell. In two years things will unfold...
Jack of Diamonds with Jack of Clubs - KRMA, SAR, NEF, NER and SAF = Attraction is 4, Intensity is 6 and Compatibility is 0
Jack of Diamonds with Seven of Clubs - PLR, CRF, MARS, VEF and MAR = Attraction is 6, Intensity is 5 and Compatibility is 0
Mmm, suddenly I recalled Z like Sadhguru's message of marriage is meant for growth and not for compatibility. When I first saw it, I tot thats weird as most people would go for compatibility to have a harmonious marriage. The fact that he goes for this means that his marriage is not compatible.
Seven of Spades with Jack of Clubs - VER, MAF, CRRS, MAR and CRR = Attraction is 7, Intensity is 3 and Compatibility is 3
Seven of Spades with Seven of Clubs - SAR, URF, VEMS, JUFS and VEM = Attraction is 2, Intensity is 0 and Compatibility is 2
Seven of Spades with Queen of Clubs - MAFS, CRFS, VEF, CLRS and VEFS = Attraction is 7, Intensity is 4 and Compatibility is 3
Similiarity between Jack of Clubs an Queen of Clubs. Looks like history repeats itself. No wonder when he go together with the wife, it was Neptune period and it was said not to make decision as the partner is 'dreamy' and not real.
(Mar 15 - well there is many Venus...so they are truly attractd to each other. Hope they both found the growth they need)
Osho - maturity is accepting the responsibility of being oneself, whatsoever the cost
Feb 24
Couldn't sleep last night. Not disturbed but somehow eyes can't close. Just feel alert. Around 2 am I felt my eyes not really close. I finally slept and woke up 3.50 am.
Just feeling bit tired and I slept back but couldn't sleep. So woke up again at 4.15 am.
Did Bhoota Shuddi and sang guru pooja. On guru pooja, singing slowly.
Did one cycle of Yoga Namaskar and 3 cycle of Surya kriya. Breathing was lovely but I stop earlier cos not much time.
Then I did Shakti but abridged version due to menses. Me now cautious these days. Shakti was good. Got some tots but it does not distract me from Shakti. Shambavi was good. Towards the end contented silence in arashidharna. So peaceful.
Maturity by Osho
As u become more sensitive, life becomes bigger. It is not a small pond; it is oceanic. It is not confined to u and ur wife and children. The whole existence becomes ur family.
Meditation will bring u sensitivity, a great sense of belonging to the world.
Secondly meditation will bring u a great silence because all rubbish knowledge is gone. Thoughts that are part of the knowledge are gone too ... an immense silence and u are surprised this silence is the only music there is.
In the oceanic state, the body takes a certain posture. As ur silence grows, ur friendliness, ur love grows; ur life becomes moment to moment dance, a joy, a celebration.
Soul
Today I looked at my face. It seems different. It seems to be a face of a lovely woman. For the first time I see myself as feminine. This is despite my short hair. I think that's what s saw that day, femininity and she described it as loving.
For me when I m in meditation zone, songs and dance arise in me. An expression of my inner joy.
(Mar 15 - St and Sj said that I have grown loving and feminine)
Maturity
Life should be a continuous celebration, a Festival of Lights the whole year round. Only then u can grow up, can u blossom.
Soul
Sadhguru said the suffering will not seek. If u have not known ur joy, u can't seek for beyond.
Maturity
Zen master - Lin Chi
There is nothing that is great and there is nothing that is small; it all depend on u, what u make of it.
Start with meditation, and things will go on growing in u - silence, serenity, blissfulness, sensitivity.
And whatever comes out of meditation, try to bring it out in life. Share it, because everything shared grows fast.
Soul
Mmm suddenly tot that sharing will deepen the experience. I know Sadhguru won't design something that is not necessary. The fact that he have sharing in Sathsang must have its usage.
Just as he has sharing in the lap of master.
Maturity
Be the person you are. Never try to be another, and u will become mature. Maturity is accepting the responsibility of being oneself, whatsoever the cost. Risking all to be oneself, that's what maturity is.
Maturity means the same as innocence, only eying one difference; it is innocence reclaimed; it is innocence recaptured.
Every society, up to now, has been a corruptive influence on every child. All cultures have depended on exploiting the innocence of the child, exploiting the child, on making him a slave, on conditioning him for their own purposes, for their own ends - political, social, ideological. The priest and the politicians have been in deep conspiracy.
The moment the child starts becoming part of society he starts losing something immensely valuable; he starts losing contact with God. He becomes more and more hung up in the head, he forgets all about the heart - and the heart is the bridge that leads to being. Without the heart, u cannot reach ur own being - it is impossible. Society condemned all lovers the ages simply because love is not of the head, it is of the heart. A man who is capable of love is sooner or later going to discover his being - and once a person discover.
Soul
Been in dilemma since yesterday of sharing with Y on the video I watched yesterday. I bought the DVD a few months ago but forgot to watch it. Only did so yesterday. Again wanted to share with him but was bit worried how he sees me and also is none of my business if he doesn't know the answer. Guess I don't want to lose my pride.
A tot came - live fearlessly. So I just messaged Y:
I once asked u whether Indians has anything to breakthrough in Isha path. U didn't answer me. I found the answer in Sadhguru's DVD's Cracking the human software. U guys have loads to breakthrough but I don't see it happening. U may want to watch the DVD.
Soul
No wonder its the non Indian that is getting in deeper into the path. For the Indian, it is still cultural.
Couldn't sleep last night. Not disturbed but somehow eyes can't close. Just feel alert. Around 2 am I felt my eyes not really close. I finally slept and woke up 3.50 am.
Just feeling bit tired and I slept back but couldn't sleep. So woke up again at 4.15 am.
Did Bhoota Shuddi and sang guru pooja. On guru pooja, singing slowly.
Did one cycle of Yoga Namaskar and 3 cycle of Surya kriya. Breathing was lovely but I stop earlier cos not much time.
Then I did Shakti but abridged version due to menses. Me now cautious these days. Shakti was good. Got some tots but it does not distract me from Shakti. Shambavi was good. Towards the end contented silence in arashidharna. So peaceful.
Maturity by Osho
As u become more sensitive, life becomes bigger. It is not a small pond; it is oceanic. It is not confined to u and ur wife and children. The whole existence becomes ur family.
Meditation will bring u sensitivity, a great sense of belonging to the world.
Secondly meditation will bring u a great silence because all rubbish knowledge is gone. Thoughts that are part of the knowledge are gone too ... an immense silence and u are surprised this silence is the only music there is.
In the oceanic state, the body takes a certain posture. As ur silence grows, ur friendliness, ur love grows; ur life becomes moment to moment dance, a joy, a celebration.
Soul
Today I looked at my face. It seems different. It seems to be a face of a lovely woman. For the first time I see myself as feminine. This is despite my short hair. I think that's what s saw that day, femininity and she described it as loving.
For me when I m in meditation zone, songs and dance arise in me. An expression of my inner joy.
(Mar 15 - St and Sj said that I have grown loving and feminine)
Maturity
Life should be a continuous celebration, a Festival of Lights the whole year round. Only then u can grow up, can u blossom.
Soul
Sadhguru said the suffering will not seek. If u have not known ur joy, u can't seek for beyond.
Maturity
Zen master - Lin Chi
There is nothing that is great and there is nothing that is small; it all depend on u, what u make of it.
Start with meditation, and things will go on growing in u - silence, serenity, blissfulness, sensitivity.
And whatever comes out of meditation, try to bring it out in life. Share it, because everything shared grows fast.
Soul
Mmm suddenly tot that sharing will deepen the experience. I know Sadhguru won't design something that is not necessary. The fact that he have sharing in Sathsang must have its usage.
Just as he has sharing in the lap of master.
Maturity
Be the person you are. Never try to be another, and u will become mature. Maturity is accepting the responsibility of being oneself, whatsoever the cost. Risking all to be oneself, that's what maturity is.
Maturity means the same as innocence, only eying one difference; it is innocence reclaimed; it is innocence recaptured.
Every society, up to now, has been a corruptive influence on every child. All cultures have depended on exploiting the innocence of the child, exploiting the child, on making him a slave, on conditioning him for their own purposes, for their own ends - political, social, ideological. The priest and the politicians have been in deep conspiracy.
The moment the child starts becoming part of society he starts losing something immensely valuable; he starts losing contact with God. He becomes more and more hung up in the head, he forgets all about the heart - and the heart is the bridge that leads to being. Without the heart, u cannot reach ur own being - it is impossible. Society condemned all lovers the ages simply because love is not of the head, it is of the heart. A man who is capable of love is sooner or later going to discover his being - and once a person discover.
Soul
Been in dilemma since yesterday of sharing with Y on the video I watched yesterday. I bought the DVD a few months ago but forgot to watch it. Only did so yesterday. Again wanted to share with him but was bit worried how he sees me and also is none of my business if he doesn't know the answer. Guess I don't want to lose my pride.
A tot came - live fearlessly. So I just messaged Y:
I once asked u whether Indians has anything to breakthrough in Isha path. U didn't answer me. I found the answer in Sadhguru's DVD's Cracking the human software. U guys have loads to breakthrough but I don't see it happening. U may want to watch the DVD.
Soul
No wonder its the non Indian that is getting in deeper into the path. For the Indian, it is still cultural.
Sadhguru (cracking human software) - when you are repititve; you can't be receptive
Feb 23 eve
Cracking the human software DVD - Sadhguru
The very basis of human population is simply memories. Culture is just memories. Another negative term for civilisation is just brain washing or conditioning or internal hypnosis.
Memories is useful. But If u do not keep it aside, it becomes the greatest bondage. Ur life become repetitive and if u become repetitive, u cannot be receptive.
Receptivity happens because u have kept ur repetitiveness aside.
If u can become primal but conscious, oblivious to who you are, what u are, ur culture, ur civilisation, ur nonsense, ur devil, ur god. If u can be oblivious to whatever u think u are, it is just a tot isn't it, what u think u are.
Eg, I am Indian. It is just a tot.
Shiva is not a nice civilised man. He is life. As life is, today could be cloudy, tomorrow could be pouring. He is not a pretension. He is not repetitive in any way. He is life.
Only if u are here as life, we can make u grow, we can make u blossom. If u are here as a bundle of memories, u are just half baked people. Then I can only add a few more tidbits to your memory bag.
The process of what u called as spiritual is not a psychological process. Ur memories has nothing to do with it. Spirituality can only happen if u allows urself to be just the life that u are.
To become silent is possible only if u does not think much of urself. If u think something about urself, how can u shut up. If u realised u are stupid. Then u can look at life with a great sense of wonder, without a tot in ur mind. The moment y think there is some value to what u think, u simply go on and on. When u see there is no value in ur tot process, that it just memories recycling itself, the same old nonsense again and again. If you are enamoured and think u are great, u can't let go.
Cracking the human software DVD - Sadhguru
The very basis of human population is simply memories. Culture is just memories. Another negative term for civilisation is just brain washing or conditioning or internal hypnosis.
Memories is useful. But If u do not keep it aside, it becomes the greatest bondage. Ur life become repetitive and if u become repetitive, u cannot be receptive.
Receptivity happens because u have kept ur repetitiveness aside.
If u can become primal but conscious, oblivious to who you are, what u are, ur culture, ur civilisation, ur nonsense, ur devil, ur god. If u can be oblivious to whatever u think u are, it is just a tot isn't it, what u think u are.
Eg, I am Indian. It is just a tot.
Shiva is not a nice civilised man. He is life. As life is, today could be cloudy, tomorrow could be pouring. He is not a pretension. He is not repetitive in any way. He is life.
Only if u are here as life, we can make u grow, we can make u blossom. If u are here as a bundle of memories, u are just half baked people. Then I can only add a few more tidbits to your memory bag.
The process of what u called as spiritual is not a psychological process. Ur memories has nothing to do with it. Spirituality can only happen if u allows urself to be just the life that u are.
To become silent is possible only if u does not think much of urself. If u think something about urself, how can u shut up. If u realised u are stupid. Then u can look at life with a great sense of wonder, without a tot in ur mind. The moment y think there is some value to what u think, u simply go on and on. When u see there is no value in ur tot process, that it just memories recycling itself, the same old nonsense again and again. If you are enamoured and think u are great, u can't let go.
Loving within, loving without
Feb 23
Took a quick shower before Bhoota shuddi.
Light the flame of both Devi and Dhynalinga...and start with Bhoota.
So lovely sitting there. Dont feel like getting up. But got to stop since I am bit late for my morning walk.
Anyway, decided to wake up earlier at 6.30 am in future to cater for Bhoota Shuddi.
When I reach the park, mind was singing guru pooja on its own. Today did 2 session of 3 and 6 cycles of stair case. I finally realised that I need to get my heart pumped. I only walk 2 cycles insead of normal 3 cycles.
Guess the 9 cycles of stair case make up for the last cycle.
And I was never this tired walking 3 cycles...so this is the right exercise routine to prepare myself for Kailash.
Love
We just block the flow of love. The love is inside of you. Love is who you are on a soul level. Love is your natural state.
Consciously let your love grow, and begin to recognize what it feels like to love.
Then, when you are in a relationship, enjoy the power and beauty of two people feeling the love within at the same time and sharing it with each other—rather than getting it from each other. It is, indeed, a beautiful thing. -
Soul
With my shrine completed..I can sit and let love grow in me.
Took a quick shower before Bhoota shuddi.
Light the flame of both Devi and Dhynalinga...and start with Bhoota.
So lovely sitting there. Dont feel like getting up. But got to stop since I am bit late for my morning walk.
Anyway, decided to wake up earlier at 6.30 am in future to cater for Bhoota Shuddi.
When I reach the park, mind was singing guru pooja on its own. Today did 2 session of 3 and 6 cycles of stair case. I finally realised that I need to get my heart pumped. I only walk 2 cycles insead of normal 3 cycles.
Guess the 9 cycles of stair case make up for the last cycle.
And I was never this tired walking 3 cycles...so this is the right exercise routine to prepare myself for Kailash.
Love
We just block the flow of love. The love is inside of you. Love is who you are on a soul level. Love is your natural state.
Consciously let your love grow, and begin to recognize what it feels like to love.
Then, when you are in a relationship, enjoy the power and beauty of two people feeling the love within at the same time and sharing it with each other—rather than getting it from each other. It is, indeed, a beautiful thing. -
Soul
With my shrine completed..I can sit and let love grow in me.
Feeling love within me
Feb 22
This morning couldn't for swim because of menses. So I did my hata yoga instead.
Did three cycle of yoga Namaskar followed by three cycle of surya kriya. My right elbow swell has reduced so no more pain when doing asanas. But still find it strenuous during third cycle of yoga Namaskar.
Leg alignment improved on Surya kriya. Breathing also slowed down. Towards the end I know I went in deep. Breathing meditation was lovely.
Shakti was good as I dud abridged version. Laughing after Kapalabhakti. Towards the end just a sense of deep intense silence. Shambavi was great. Towards the end just feel so exquisite. The energy is lovely.
Met J and read his card for the year. I shared with him about Y and how he helped me to get over Z. I shared how I learn to be fearless in personal and romantic relationships.
He has Ace of Heart as challenges. I liked the affirmation and tot good for me too.
Affirmation for Ace of Hearts:
I reach inside myself for the love that makes me happy and fulfilled. Then, I manifest that love inside as new people or relationships in my life.
Soul
That's how I m feeling recently, loved. Just a loving feeling inside me. And this loving inside me fill me up. I know I feel loving. S said she can see I changed and now have a loving expression apart from my normal cheerfulness.
This morning couldn't for swim because of menses. So I did my hata yoga instead.
Did three cycle of yoga Namaskar followed by three cycle of surya kriya. My right elbow swell has reduced so no more pain when doing asanas. But still find it strenuous during third cycle of yoga Namaskar.
Leg alignment improved on Surya kriya. Breathing also slowed down. Towards the end I know I went in deep. Breathing meditation was lovely.
Shakti was good as I dud abridged version. Laughing after Kapalabhakti. Towards the end just a sense of deep intense silence. Shambavi was great. Towards the end just feel so exquisite. The energy is lovely.
Met J and read his card for the year. I shared with him about Y and how he helped me to get over Z. I shared how I learn to be fearless in personal and romantic relationships.
He has Ace of Heart as challenges. I liked the affirmation and tot good for me too.
Affirmation for Ace of Hearts:
I reach inside myself for the love that makes me happy and fulfilled. Then, I manifest that love inside as new people or relationships in my life.
Soul
That's how I m feeling recently, loved. Just a loving feeling inside me. And this loving inside me fill me up. I know I feel loving. S said she can see I changed and now have a loving expression apart from my normal cheerfulness.
Awesome Shakti Chalana Kriya again
Feb 21
What an explosion
Woke up 5.30 am cos slept after 12.30am yesterday.
Did Bhoota Suddhi followed by singing guru pooja. Today guru pooja I was laughing. Mmm can't recall doing that.
Did one cycle of Yoga Namaskar and one cycle of Surya kriya went in deep. Followed by asanas. Today asanas was good. The sitting posture with both legs I finally can rest comfortably in the posture. I was even singing. This has never happen before singing in hata yoga.
Shakti was awesome. During Kapala Bhakti after third cycle I was so energised that hands start to clap non stop and I was laughing and head shaking This had never happen before.
Towards the end snake breathing for a long period and dancing and singing.
My first tot was to share with Y but then realised he is gone. I cried cos I miss him. I cry for a long while. Then just contentment.
After that I just messaged Y. But his phone is switched off. First tot was he reject me but second tot not only me. I recalled he said no phone during ashram. Anyway I did love him and I will love again. For the first time I am able to see there is an abundance of love.
Just had my lunch. Father, I m feeling love within. Love for myself. Just a sense of sweet loving feeling. Just feel everything is okay. There is a sense of peace enveloping me.
Maturity by Osho
Whenever you understand that u have missed life, the first principle to be brought back is innocence. Drop ur knowledge, forget ur scriptures, forget ur religions, ur theologies, ur philosophies. Be both again, become innocent - and it is in ur hands. Clean ur mind of all that is not known by u, all that is borrowed from traditions, convention. All that given to u by others.
Once again be simple, once again be a child. And this miracle is possible by meditation. Meditation is a simply a strange surgical method that cuts u away from all that is not yours and saves that which is your authentic being.
Soul
Now finally getting it.
Feeling reborn at age 46
Mmm today card was Queen of Hearts. Very true as I was crying out for him this morning. Today a Saturn day.
What an explosion
Woke up 5.30 am cos slept after 12.30am yesterday.
Did Bhoota Suddhi followed by singing guru pooja. Today guru pooja I was laughing. Mmm can't recall doing that.
Did one cycle of Yoga Namaskar and one cycle of Surya kriya went in deep. Followed by asanas. Today asanas was good. The sitting posture with both legs I finally can rest comfortably in the posture. I was even singing. This has never happen before singing in hata yoga.
Shakti was awesome. During Kapala Bhakti after third cycle I was so energised that hands start to clap non stop and I was laughing and head shaking This had never happen before.
Towards the end snake breathing for a long period and dancing and singing.
My first tot was to share with Y but then realised he is gone. I cried cos I miss him. I cry for a long while. Then just contentment.
After that I just messaged Y. But his phone is switched off. First tot was he reject me but second tot not only me. I recalled he said no phone during ashram. Anyway I did love him and I will love again. For the first time I am able to see there is an abundance of love.
Just had my lunch. Father, I m feeling love within. Love for myself. Just a sense of sweet loving feeling. Just feel everything is okay. There is a sense of peace enveloping me.
Maturity by Osho
Whenever you understand that u have missed life, the first principle to be brought back is innocence. Drop ur knowledge, forget ur scriptures, forget ur religions, ur theologies, ur philosophies. Be both again, become innocent - and it is in ur hands. Clean ur mind of all that is not known by u, all that is borrowed from traditions, convention. All that given to u by others.
Once again be simple, once again be a child. And this miracle is possible by meditation. Meditation is a simply a strange surgical method that cuts u away from all that is not yours and saves that which is your authentic being.
Soul
Now finally getting it.
Feeling reborn at age 46
Mmm today card was Queen of Hearts. Very true as I was crying out for him this morning. Today a Saturn day.
Osho - growing old is not growing up
Feb 20
Woke up at 3,50 am. Body is okay as I did 15 min of pre-sleep breathing at the shrine.
Did Bhoota Shuddi and sang guru pooja. Did 3 cycles of yoga Namaskar and 3 cycles of Surya kriya. In the third cycle I was in deep, can't even open my eyes. Breathing was good in arashidharna
Shakti was good, now can finally feel the intensity. Shambavi great. Towards the end lower body moving non stop and breathe comes out gushing.
During the practices had tot of Isha issues. Just now chat with P and got some concur direction. Alas me dealt with Two of Hearts and got Nine of Spades as result.
Maturity - the responsibility of being oneself by Osho
Man is born to achieve life but it all depends on him. He can miss it. He can grow old moving towards death. Growing old, any animal can do that. Growing up is the prerogative of human beings. Only a few claim the right.
Growing up means moving every moment deeper into the principle of life, it means going further away from death - not toward death. The deeper u go into life, the more u understand the immortality within u.
For growing up, just watch a tree. There is a balance. The higher the tree goes, the deeper the roots will go. In life, growing up means growing deep within urself - that's where ur roots are.
Soul
Sadhguru talked about intensity. He talked about one big desires. My greatest and longest and current desire is self mastery.
Woke up at 3,50 am. Body is okay as I did 15 min of pre-sleep breathing at the shrine.
Did Bhoota Shuddi and sang guru pooja. Did 3 cycles of yoga Namaskar and 3 cycles of Surya kriya. In the third cycle I was in deep, can't even open my eyes. Breathing was good in arashidharna
Shakti was good, now can finally feel the intensity. Shambavi great. Towards the end lower body moving non stop and breathe comes out gushing.
During the practices had tot of Isha issues. Just now chat with P and got some concur direction. Alas me dealt with Two of Hearts and got Nine of Spades as result.
Maturity - the responsibility of being oneself by Osho
Man is born to achieve life but it all depends on him. He can miss it. He can grow old moving towards death. Growing old, any animal can do that. Growing up is the prerogative of human beings. Only a few claim the right.
Growing up means moving every moment deeper into the principle of life, it means going further away from death - not toward death. The deeper u go into life, the more u understand the immortality within u.
For growing up, just watch a tree. There is a balance. The higher the tree goes, the deeper the roots will go. In life, growing up means growing deep within urself - that's where ur roots are.
Soul
Sadhguru talked about intensity. He talked about one big desires. My greatest and longest and current desire is self mastery.
Slowly accepting now
Feb 19 eve
Tried not to get Gudi through him. But alas have to. Guess this week Courage is this. I m still facing those that has gone to show me that I am fine without them. To show me my strength and confidence; it is not to make me suffer.
Anyway, one month to go for Saturn and Y is away. If and when he comes back my Saturn be over.
Just checked his card; looks like he got married in Uranus period.
Father, truly can't see anything. Let it be.
Tried not to get Gudi through him. But alas have to. Guess this week Courage is this. I m still facing those that has gone to show me that I am fine without them. To show me my strength and confidence; it is not to make me suffer.
Anyway, one month to go for Saturn and Y is away. If and when he comes back my Saturn be over.
Just checked his card; looks like he got married in Uranus period.
Father, truly can't see anything. Let it be.
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