Osho - maturity happens when you start loving rather than needing

Mar 4
Woke up before alarm. Just doze back and woke up upon alarm at 3.50 am. Pre-sleep meditation truly works.
Tot of my unlived youth on romantic relationship. Guess just have to go through this. Don't want to judge myself. I can't undo the past.

Did Bhoota Shuddi and head shaking non stop during the ending. Guru pooja was good.

Did one cycle of yoga Namaskar and Surya kriya.
Asanas was quite effortless. The sitting posture was great. Two leg sitting feels good to my back. One leg sitting is now a resting posture to me.

A awesome breathing meditation. I was finally sitting in true arashidharna. Breathe just happen. Just sitting without movement. Time just passed. I took much longer than more normal time. And it was effortless. It just happen.
Shakti was great. Kapala Bhakti is coming good. I was lost in bit of tots during first and second cycle. So intense. Since I took much longer in Shakti, I did an abridged Shambavi and yet the flow was great. Towards the end just sitting in arashidharna in stillness.  There were no singing just silent stillness.

Coincidentally now on romantic relationship topic in Osho book. Had sexual tots of Z during asanas. Maybe just me missing Y. But at least I knew now memories of Z is only physical. When I tot of Y I tot of the day we both were watching Sadhguru's webstream in respective house and yet connecting by type chatting each other. I also remember our last date where we spend a whole day at his place and he pressure cooked beans for me. I remembered our sharing on our spiritual path. I missed his sharing of snippets and pictures. I remembered our quarrels too. Good memories.

Maturity
Love can have three dimensions.
The first is that of dependence; that's what happens to the majority of people. Husband and wife dependent on each other; exploiting each other, dominating each other, possess each other, they reduce each other to a commodity. In ninety nine percent of cases, that's what happening in the world. That's why love, which can open the gates of paradise, opens only the gates of hell.

The second possibility is love between two independent persons. That too happens once in a while. But that brings too much misery, because there is constant conflict. No adjustment is possible; both are so independent and nobody ready to compromise, to adjust with the other. Mostly poets, thinkers, scientist, those who live in a kind of independence, at least in their minds, are impossible to live with; they are eccentric. Relationship seems to be superficial; they are afraid to go deeper into each other because they are more attached to their freedom than to love and they don't want to compromise.

Soul
Tot of me and Z. Can't say that's me. Besides I know I can't live the life he offers. What I gained from him is to live my life fearlessly. Whereas he just live financial life fearlessly.


Maturity
Third possibility is of interdependence. That happens very rarely but whenever it happens a part of paradise falls on the earth. Two persons neither independent nor dependent but in a tremendous synchronicity, as if breathing for each other, one soul in two bodies - whenever that happens, love has happened. Call only this love.

The other two are not really love, they are just arrangements - social, psychological, biological but arrangements. The third is something spiritual.

Soul
I want the third one.

Maturity
The need love or deficiency love depends on the other; it is immature love. In fact it is not truly love - it is a need. But that's what happen to almost ninety nine percent of people because the first lesson of love that u learn is in ur childhood.
A child is born, he is dependent on his mother. His love toward the mother is a "deficiency-love", he needs the mother, he cannot survive without the mother. He loves the mother because mother is his life. In fact it is not love - he will love any woman, whosoever will protect him, whosever will help him survive, whosoever will help fill up his need. The mother is sort of the food he eats. It is not only milk that he gets, it is love also.

Millions of people remain childish all their lives; they never grow up. They grow in age but they never grow up in their minds, their psychology remains juvenile, immature. They are always needing love, they are hankering for it like food. 

Soul
G said Z's wife looks up to Z whereas I don't. True I see Z as my equal. I don't look up to him; I think he looks up to me in terms of my financial stability and spiritual growth.
Y is definitely independent...he don't want to merge to bond..whereas I am...


Maturity
Man becomes mature the moment he starts loving rather than needing. He starts overflowing, sharing; he stars giving. The emphasis is totally different. With the first, the emphasis is on how to get more. With the second, the emphasis is on how to give, how to give more and how to give unconditionally. This is growth, this is maturity.

Only a mature person can gives because only a mature person has it. Then love is not dependent. Then u can be loving whether the other is or not. Then love is not a relationship, it is a state.
If I m alone, then too I will be as loving as when I am with u. It is not u who are creating my love. If u were creating my love, then naturally, when u are gone, my love be gone too. U are not pulling my love out, I m showering my love on u - this is "gift-love", it is "being-love".

Mar 4 eve
Y is back home and reverted email on official matter. I replied but there were no immediate response. The usual negative feeling emerge. But this time I can see my feelings coming up. There is no more eruptions.
Father, I am definitely getting over the fear of rejection. I no longer see no response as a measure of my lovability.

Today I realised that I fear letting go cos I have the issue on lack. I will now focus on abundance. There is an abundance of great partner available to me. Have faith.