Guru purnima breakdown

Jul 12

Last year guru purnima. A fiasco also happen with L. I remember I broke down and cried.
This year guru Purnima is the same.
She hates me cos she think that I m the cause of her being outcast.
Since she cannot get my acceptance; she is hating me.
True she sought love but I can't take her.
Now I realised that my path is on the right track. My goal is Letting go of my karmic Two of Diamonds. In my life I never let go of friends. I always conscious of my own lovability.
First one was SL and then later Z   And now L.
On the right track.
Why Guru?
Cos I m Cancer and affected by the moon. And maybe she too is affected by Moon.

A breakthrough on Surya Kriya; both feet on the ground. Never tot it can happen. Alas; yes a breakthrough.
Breathing was nice.
Shakti was good; sounds coming. I realised now my head need to be even and then faced down in exhalation. I wrongly put my head facing up.
Shambavi was good too.
Today longer than usual

Went for my swim later.
The water is so lovely.
Today I am so calm, just enjoying the water.
My head was able to down in the water..just swimming effortlessly.
Today many newbies splashing around and some professional swimmers.
I just swim in my stride.
Many times there was near collusion but I stay calm.
The only time I had to stop was when one of the newbie kept holding one of my legs after I try to shrugged off.
So there were some panic and I had to swim to the side.
Later after I calmed down, effortlessly continuing.
The old me would have been affected.

As I was swimming effortlessly suddenly tot of my greatest fear is to be disliked by people.
I undertake the Self Mastery path because I don't want to be affected by people, likes and especially their dislikes of me.
Then I suddenly tot of all the bitchy and nasty CEOs that I reported to; I always wondered how can they take it when others dislike them; how come they stay unaffected and still be nasty.
I couldn't have done it.
Others used to say I have high tolerance. The truth is I practiced it and enforced control on myself. Since I can't control others, I can only control myself. It is my fear of being disliked, of losing validation that cause me to have so much self control.
Alas..for once in my life, I am being disliked or rather hated for just being me; I wasn't even being unkind. The person project her anger on me...
And for the first time I barred someone phone, my tolerance limit is up. Who is she to send me abusive messages. Now that I am no longer the guide, there is no responsibiilty,  I need not tolerate her.

A year ago, I decided this lady L, cannot be a friend and I dismissed her from my clique. I stop answering her phone. A year later and I tot she is okay and I was being my normal self and she reacted. Looks like her deep seated anger is still there.
This time it is okay for me to be hated....it is fine.
Main thing is for me to accept myself.
Once I accept myself and happy on my own, others validation no longer matters..even the hate no longer matters.
Amen...truly a major breakthrough.