Jan 24 Eve
Father, a text came and I freezed and bit piss at myself of cos I wanted it to be him. Then I stop myself and says its ok that I wanted to be him and if he is not him, also ok. Turn out it was not. Never mind. Just let compulsion mode passed.
(Feb 6 - now I realised that I do have high defense mechanism when it comes to relationship. It is as high as boss's defense mechanism towards her job/position)
I did my blog and then watch TV. The feeling of need for Z arise.
I told myself it is a need, then it is not sharing, then it is a beggar love and not an emperor. That's means its my mind on compulsion, add on with my emotional abandoment issue.
So, I didn't respond to the need.
I just watch it cos it is just a tot that comes in, he was not in my life. Then I start to watch my breathe, while the tot of need for Z continues. After a while, the need slow down and reduces and I finally feel me and I am at ease now. Amen.
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