I am transforming (10)

Jan 22 Aft (Osho card picked up in New Age's centre)

1. Issue
Solar Plexus - defense mechanism due to lack of self confidence, self esteem

2. Internal influence
The Wall of protection

3. External influence
Exhaustion

5. What to do
Experiencing - living in the moment.

4. Resolution
Letting Go


I express that I am now in the middle of creating a new career in writing, having to prove my worth again now that I drop the corporate career. I am not sure if I am good enough.

Soul
I woke up and now I knew what the card meant.
First tot is my love life is effortless.
Then I had a quick question, why the cards?
Answer came;
The Past is gone and I need not hold on to It.
My old cast is gone. My wish is coming true
It was encouraging me that I am on track.

Amen
Its time to live in the spring time of my life.

Father, no wonder I somehow didn't like the mode of interpretation.

Just came out of shower. I received the text from F. Looks like I was defensive yday and retorted too fast. Later no reply, I try to cover by sending her a 2nd text. When there was no reply, I judged her, which she did few hours later

Father, its true. I really seek approval from people. Just like the discovery on having to say No at office. I used to keep quiet to keep peace and to ensure I m liked. It was so easy, to be in control.

These days, without the cast, when I am piss, I just reacted. And then I piss people off and I worried I lost people's liking for me, their view of me being a mature, emotional controlled, reasonable person.

Alas, that's what LY saw of me, the hidden defense mechanism of reaction. I wasn't able to react. And that's why I wasn't able to feel the arousal or respond when people kiss me. My mind controlled my emotion and body.
I used to judge J, A, M for their reactionary mode. In my case, I cannot react. Now alas, I can react.
So, its a happy problem that control cast is gone. I can react and give expression to. both positive and negative tots. I can now dance

Just now in the shop, they switched on music and I found my body moving and swaying without any conscious tots.

Hurray! I can now react! Now need not feel guilty nor worry about the loss of my old controlled image.