Cosmic Lesson (4)

Jan 31
Father, Z's issue is real life threatening and here mine is all in the mind.
I am humbled by him. I have never admired anyone for their courage but today I did.
Hope he doesn't find me so inconsequential. His story is real and mine is all in the mind.
But it will gave him an idea of me.

Soul
Today I fell into it. I am still not sure what happen. I didn't have my mobile and just do reading, but I kept having tots of Z. I went into the office and did my weekly tarot.

1. Issue.
Past lives
The point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour. This is a wake up call; the events in ur life trying to show u a pattern as ancient as the journey of ur own soul

Soul
When I read this, I tot of my issue with relationship. I want to go beyond it. I don't want to be tied down again. I have found my inner joy and I won't let my issue with relationship to cloud it.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
The Fool
A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. His trust is tremendous; his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it. Each time u don't allow situation to corrupt u, that opportunity will become and integration inside. Ur soul will become more crystalised.
Moment to moment and with every step the Fool leaves the past behind. The Fool has the support of the universe to make this jump into the unknown. Adventures await him in the river of life.
If u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of "rightness" of things, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear 'foolish' to others or even to urself if u try to analyse them with the rational mind. But the 'zero' place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.

Soul
I read this to mean forget about my past issue of failed rship or rship that got aborted even before it start; or of me being conned, which all makes me feel unworthy of being loved.
For once, I know Z do like me as he has hinted so many times and he also repeatedly emphasised that he wants me. and I like him, so why can't we proceed. Why I need to play hide and seek? What is there to fear? Why prolong it? Just believe this will be fine and cut the chase.
I want to go beyond this.

3. External influence that u r aware
Ripeness
Only if ur meditation has brought u a light that shines in every night will even death not be a death to u but a door to the divine. With the light in ur heart, death itself is transform into a door.
When the food is ripe, it drops from the tree by itself. One moment it hangs by a thread from the branches of the tree, bursting with juice. The next moment it falls - not because it has been forced to fall or has made the effort to jump, but because the tree has recognised its ripeness and simply let go.
U r ready to share ur inner riches, ur 'juice'. All u need to do is relax where u r and be willing for it to happen.

Soul
I don't know why. When I read this I suddenly sent him the mail about my humbleness and admiration for him. My confession that I too was lonely and my proposal to spend time together, doing things we like. I had no plan to tell, it just happen. Even now I wonder what happen.

4. What is needed for resolution
Schizophrenia
Man is split. The whole effort of Zen is how to drop the divided mind of man, how to become undivided, integrated, centered. U have many voices. If u want to say 'yes', immediately the 'no' is there. U cannot even utter a simple word 'yes' with totality... In this way, happiness is not possible; unhappiness is a natural consequence of split personality.

Getting stuck between a rock and a hard place. We r in precisely this sort of situation when we get stuck in the indecisive and dualistic aspect of the mind. Should I let go of my arms and fall head first or let my legs go and fall feet first? Should I say yes or not. And whatever decision we make, we will always wonder if we should have decided the other way. The only way out of this dilemma, is unfortunately to let go of both arm and feet. U can't work ur way out of this one by solving it, or in any way working it out with ur mind. Better follow ur heart, if u can find. If u can't find it, just jump.

Soul
Suddenly I knew I don't want to prolong ding dong. I wanted to shake it and face it. That's why I wrote the mail. I now have my inner joy and I don't want to be eroded.

5. Resolution
Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful. Then it is awalys a friendship, a friendliness. U don't depend on others and u don't make others depend on u.
The intertwined trees represent the essence of true friends, mature, easy with each other, natural. There is no urgency about their connection, no neediness, no desire to change the other into something else. This card indicates a readiness to enter this quality of friendliness.
U r no longer interested in all kinds of dramas and romances that other people are engaged in. It is not a loss. It is the birth of a higher, more loving quality born of the fullness of experience. It is the birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectations or demands.

Soul
When I read this I was reminded by my Seven of Heart msg. So, without a tot I declare my passion for him. I was surprised to see me ok for whole day besides no response.

Soul
There were no response from him at all. No text, no mail and no call. Complete silence. I was disappointed but not sad. Surprisingly I can cope. I then remember about him not responding to my mail on the Power of Deflation at all. It was one month later at sathsang that he commented on my writings and we then come to this stage.
I remember he didn't reply my call and forgot about it. I remember him watching the show with me.
Negative tots try to come in but I didn't want to entertain.
I wan to see the positive and it may be a good thing, that means he is pondering, thinking before he responds. He wants to be doubly sure. Yeap, choosing me means he cannot do other exploration. He asked if I drink and what time I wake up. He doesn't seem to like the answe per se.