To change, you need to be willing to lose what you have

Jan 27 Aft
Father, just did my role in Isha. I realised I ended all my mails with "Thank You". I don't feel like using "Cheers".

I also realised what I miss what's the 'affection' from lead role. Well, I don't need anymore.

Osho
1. The Issue
Trust
Trust life. If u trust, only then can u drop ur knowledge, only then u can put ur mind aside.
When the heart is innocent and the walls have disappeared, u r bridged with infinity. And u r not deceived; u cannot lose ur real treasure.


Soul
Well, I took a leap with easing off from Isha leadership. I don't know if it is right or wrong, I just know I am unhappy if I continue.
Also, Z is changing; he has shared about his changing plan on having children but he also is not as responsive. He hasn't been replying my msg. I am not sure and mind is saying he is running off and asking me to run too. Well, I am staying put first.


2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Aloneness
Aloneness is the presence of oneself. It is a very positive. It is an overflowing presence and there is no need for anybody.

When we find no support among others for our deeply felt truths, we can either feel isolated and bitter or celebrate the fact that our vision is strong enough to survive the powerful human need for the approval of family, friends and colleagues.

When there is also no "significant other" in our lives, we can either be lonely or enjoy the freedom that solitude brings.

Be a light unto urself. Ultimately each of us must develop within ourselves the capacity to make our way through the darkness without any companions, maps or guide.


Soul
This week I felt I am all alone. I am not feeling cheerful cos I don't want to continue to rely on Isha and neither do I have Z as an alternative. I felt I lost both. But I am still determined to ease away from Isha and ignore my mind's calls of running away from Z.
Actually, going back to Isha and running away from Z is just my defense mechanism to retain what I had.
I am willing to lose all, the glory of Isha leadership and my self-control on Z.
I am determined to continue.
Suddenly tot of my Destiny's Result of Eight of Spades after overcoming Pluto of Seven of Spades.


3. External influence of which u r aware
Possibilities
Don't be content easily. Those who remain content easily remain small. But there is no need. This smallness is ur own imposition upon ur freedom, upon ur unlimited possibilities, upon ur unlimited potential.

U r at a point where a world of possibilities is open to u. Because u have grown more loving towards urself, more self-contained, u can easily work with others. Because u r relaxed and at ease, u can recognise possibilities as they present themselves, sometimes even before others can see them. Because u r in tune with ur own nature, u understand that existence is providing u with exactly what u need.

Enjoy the flight! And celebrate all the varied wonders of the landscape spread before u.


Soul
Very appropriate, I begin new job and Saturn period.

I guess the way I graduated from current company, same as I graduated from Isha. I no longer derive any joy from both. Earlier I was afraid to come out.
My only joy was the newsletter cos that's writing.

I don't really enjoy sathsang. Now I know why I need good food after sathsang, cos I need to love back myself as being a sathsang guide is forcing myself to do something I don't like.

Just now S said he thinks I won't enjoy new company as I am used to 4 days work. I replied that I tot about it but things will work out fine.

I am excited about the new company. Not sure where I will be but I know I be fine.


4. What is needed for resolution?
Going with the Flow
Be the last, be non-ambitious. Water goes down, it searches for the lowest ground, it wants to be a nonentity. It does not want to declare itself unique, exception, extraordinary. It has no ego idea.

Be available to the currents of life, with never a tot of saying " I don't like that".
Be ready to float now, trusting that life will support u in ur relaxation and take u exactly where it wants u to go.
Allow this feeling of trust and relaxation grow and more; everything is happening exactly as it should.

Soul
That's it. I am not activating my defensive mechanism of self-control. I am not taking charge, setting parameters. I am just going with the flow of my feelings.

I even declare to Z, that I am open to having one child. But of cos, I would prefer not to but I can't let my preference cause unhappiness to Z.


5. Resolution
Understanding
U r out of jail, out of cage; u can open ur wings and the whole sky is yours.
U r now spreading ur wings, ready to take flight for the very first time. It may feel a little shaky but don't let it overshadow the opportunity to experience the lightheartedness and adventure on offer, right there alongside the shakiness.

Soul
Yea, freeing myself from Isha leadership, from current company.

Today I feel settled. Six of Diamond.