Comparing myself with the best contractor (unrealistic judgement)

Jan 8

Father, I am great. I did well. Although it doesn't look professionally good but I am the contractor. My contractor didn't advise me what to do. Everything I had to plan myself. Even the table top fiasco he didn't realise.
Like P, she didn't even have to think of idea or etc. Everything done by her contractor.

So, no more blaming myself for botched design or etc. He never advised me. I have to source for everything myself. He is not a thinker. I have to think of measurement on my own, of placement of taps, mirror, shower screen height and etc on my own. I told him to change the height but he ignored it.

Luckily I also tot and insisted on the divider flooring. I was also good in deciding no door, otherwise, the bathroom would look even more smaller.

So, I did well for my bedroom but not bathroom. I even tot of zebra blinds. I need not beat myself up.

Father, thank U. I won't beat myself up for not giving value for money on my bathroom but it is first time for me and I tot the contractor will take charge. And that was my mistake.

I was walking in the park and suddenly it hit me. I have been beating up myself unconsciously for past 3 weeks and it intensifies the last week when the wc sanitary was installed.

I also realised that the burden I was carrying. On the surface, I seem easy going but below I aim to be the best at everything I do. I am a generalist that compares myself to a specialist. I also realised that's why I don't try new things as it is not because of failure but its because of not being good.

Coincidentally at the same time, my mom did a batch of steam bun that turns out badly. She too was judging herself non stop from last night till this morning. Guess I picked up from her, this achievement mode.

Well, after this breakthru I am no longer defensive about the bathroom renovation. Infact I also tot about the switch for hair dryer and this time I told myself well, next time.

On volunteering, Sadhguru is coming. I admit I don't feel excited and infact worried about meeting him. I guess I don't feel I am worthy of being his disciple. Since I can't be, better not take it.