Pulling back from leading Isha

Jan 19

Father, asanas was fine. Shakti and shambavi was good. I was lauging so much during rock baby in shambavi and later during aum chanting. I am just joyful.

There were some tots of the water heater since my brother also said it is not warm. Then I shrugged off and tot it is on 550, too little value to be bothered about. If I can't get replacement, I can buy another one and give this to my brother as their water pressure is low and heat will be enough. I also remember I got 250 voucher and will just Panasonic instead. Of cos, mind said how about hole. I don't think so.

(Feb 19 - given this to my brother as he needs it. For me, heater is no longer an issue. I have adjusted to the heat or rather the lack of it)

Suddenly tot of C and tot if I should send her a text. Aiyah, no need lah..as it would just be to cover my guilt.

Tot of sending msg to Z and then hold back as we have been contacting daily and he may not want it. Then I just send cos why hold back. I have already told him I love him and I already decided to stay with him till the end.

Father, on Isha. I be external communicator and M be the internal communicator. I don't want to lose focus. I want to go back to my Top 5. I am not sure I just want to escape from all or rather I don't really care about being good. Today the meet up with headhunter..not sure..but I will be open.

Soul without shame
Self-judgement is perhaps the greatest source of inner suffering and discontent. More than that - or because of that - it is one of the major barriers to change, growth, expansion and transformation. It prevents u from simply resting in urself from moment to moment.

Soul
True. When mind is still, ease naturally arise.

Soul without shame
When a judgement is directed to u - whether u r conscious of it or not - u tend to experience the world closing in on u. Ur functioning becomes impaired due to this narrowing of attention and loss of flexibility and aliveness.
The overriding manifestation is the marked decrease in awareness - of the environment, of what is going on around u, of ur possible responses, and especially of who u r. And what is profoundly frustrating for many people is the way judgement interferes with their capacity, clarity and sense of humour.

Soul
Could this be what happen to N. For myself, when I judged myself unlovable, I can attack and be cold, something I am not.

Father, alas I realised why I was not excited about Sadhguru's visit. It was because I would be focusing on Isha instead of my writing. I have lost focus on my Top 5. I don't have to inform them that I am not leading. I will just put Meg on this. No need to announce. Just do it quietly and leave the leadership. This is a first to me.

Suddenly tot of ; my life is my doing 100%.

Ace of Spades
A card of death, change and transformation. With this card, u will go through some sort of death and rebirth.

Soul
That's my Osho cards

What to do - experiencing - just do, don't have to announce

Resolution - rebirth.

Yea, I don't have to announce, just quietly leave. Announcing will only give me resistance. Just do it quietly.

Received the mobile contact from M and immediately tot of calling. But I hold back as that would be taking the lead, standing out, which is what I don't want to be.

(Feb 19 - I told them but somehow I can't go out as even M is leaving for good in April. Thats means I have to be in. No wonder Six of Diamond - no change.)