Unconscious need to drive myself to be the best, to be of value

Jan 19 Aft

My msg to V;
Hi. I broke down just now. Finally realised why I was not happy with Sadhguru coming. To me, more work and I got suck into leading Isha. I just want to do my practices, enjoy coffee and writing and reading. Again, when I volunteer, I had to be the best. No wonder RA was getting worse.

Reply from V
Then give it up. You are not going to be your best when you feel oppressed. Why dont you let someone else volunteer. Its not worth your sanity.

My response
Yeap, I just wrote to 2 core member that I want out and I want them to help ease me out.

V's comment
Life is to be enjoyed. Working gives you money to enjoy your life. Unless you LOVE volunteering, dont bother. Just stresses you out and there is no value in it.

My's reponse
I never like volunteer. I did it becos of commitment. Again, its my inherent ambition to be the best, even in position, that I never want or ask for...just like being contractor. IEO - ur life is 100% ur doing.

I wanted out after Sadhguru's visit in Sept 2011 but the enthusiasm of P held me back. I wanted to stay on and support her and she has now grown. It is time again.

Volunteering should be out of joy, not out of responsibility. The child in me feel oppressed, why others have a choice in saying No, but not me.

Now alas I know why RA acted up these last few months. It was because I was driving myself in Isha. Father, the drive is so unconscious. On the surface, it seems nothing but the oppression is there. And the worst thing is that I had to be the best volunteer.

The Issue
Politician
The whole game is a lie. Take a good look at yourself to see if you have been playing this game. What you see might be painful, but not as painful as continuing to play. It doesn't serve anybody's interest in the end, least of all yours. Whatever u achieve in this way will just turn to dust in ur hands.

Internal Influence
Past lives
The real point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour
This is a wake up call; the events in ur life are trying to show u a pattern as ancient as the journey of ur own soul.


Soul
Now I know it is about my volunteering in Isha, about me leading it.
Amazing, from resistance in volunteering to being a lead volunteer.
Just like from me being a thorn to my ex-CEO to me being an inseparable component.
Father, the way I drive myself. It is not so much external, it is driven internally and it is unconscious.
Thank u for RA. Looks like I am still unconscious. Back to the practices. Amen.

I have just chat with V and he said I sounded upbeat and excited. I said yes and I will write to teacher. Like V said while I am thankful to Sadhguru, I don't have to payback to Isha. My payback is through my writings. V said my writing help lots of people. I will payback through things that I enjoyed.

Father, main thing in life is to be happy. So, I want to do things I am happy with.

3. New Vision
When u open up, u transcended. U r born anew.

Soul
I feel good now. I feel like I got back myself.
I just wrote to M and P;
Hi. Not sure if u read my SOS email. Fyi, I will also be writing to teacher that I want out too. I won't be good for the team if I am unhappy. Hope u understand.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Experiencing
Feeling of wonder itself, the thrill of communion, the gentle touch of our connectedness with all that surrounds us.

Soul
I lost connecting with nature for the past 2 months. This week, I am back and I can feel the trees once more. I need not prove my worth. I can just be myself.

5. The understanding
Rebirth
Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being.
It is a time for change and growth.

Soul
Finally, I am out of Isha's grip or rather out of my unconscious drive to be the best.