Unconscious need to drive myself to be the best, to be of value (2)

an 19 Eve

Father, I tot I can say No to external easily but now I know I can't say No internally. Keep on driving myself.

It was a trigger when M said S suggested Friday instead of Wednesday. I quickly reply that I am not keen as volunteering is work and Friday is off day for me. When he said to listen to majority, I felt such intense anger and wanted to immediately replied that if it is on Friday, I am not coming. They can do without me. I drafted mail but didn't send. I was looking at myself, wondering why such intense anger.

Then I decided to calm down and do shoonya. When I close my eyes, I burst into tears and again it is I can't go on, I can't continue to lead this. I don't want to volunteer. A heart-breaking tears. Then I calmed down and I finally realised that I need to get out as the child in me is crying.

I wrote them a note asking for forgiveness but I can't carry on and I want out. I also said that I wanted out since Sept last year. Then I asked out for Sathsang but alas no takers. Then I tot I would bear with it and here comes Sadhguru's visit that will take a 7 months of hard volunteering work.

Now I know why I had such strong reaction in Singapore when they ask for volunteering. I absolutely refused to volunteer and sat there for hours. Then when I asked for the place and they said volunteers have to wait, I automatically retorted that I am not volunteering.

Now I know why I resist Sadhguru cos he represent work to me.

Its true, one may say that I have to break limitation. Let's face it, I did it and I don't want to force myself cos I am becoming unhappy. When I am unhappy and can't express, it is worse. It will be bad for the whole team. So, best I come out earlier rather than later. I have given many messages but it was ignored and also because I keep on continue and even flourish. Well, no more. I will not drive myself anymore. I need not prove my valuation.

Had a really good cry. I can't remember the last time I cried like that. Such tears of suffering, feeling that no one care for me, that I always have to be the one to lead, to be alone.

Then a tot that my breakthru is stopping myself from driving myself to overcome my limitations.

I also tot if I am driving myself with Z. I love him and he doesn't love me. Am I driving myself? Well, a tot came, nope. I have overcome my Cosmic Lesson and when it is time to end, it will end. The first time, I broke it off cos I was driving myself. Second time I was ready.
Father, all these crying confirmed that my decision to be out of leading Isha was the right one. I can continue to promote but I don't want to lead. I am a walking promotion, I need not do anything more. Amen. That's my payback to Sadhguru, being a happy, joyful person by myself.

(Feb 19 - I can't pull out yet. I am in not because of Isha foundation, but because of the friendship in Isha family. I can't leave them in a lurch especially with M going off now)