Be willing to acknowledge fear of failure

Oct 22
Father, thank u. Its true, I told Regional CFO that m thankful he is here.
Yday CEO wanted to try her luck n said its bad to let go of PA I told her its not bad per se, Regional CFO is comparing PA to Acct Director - who can generate income. So, if we can afford PA at that high salary, we shld be hiring Acct Director instead.
Then she said she we shld keep planner. I jus replied well, if she said both can't let go, then she hav to think of other headcounts to let go. She was bit stunned n didn't like it. She was expecting me to give her alternative. We'll, no more. She was keen on retainin planner, no wonder raise her voice when I highlight to Regional CFO that not all our planners are chargeable.
This mornin, I had a tot that except for Shekar n GM all our direct staff are chargeable. Actually d best is option is to reduce CEO salary.
Father, thank u.

When food is love
Karen - my doctor told me that I was a manic depressive. He said I was feeling too much and swinging from sadness to joy too easily. He gave me drugs to take I went home and tot abt what he said - and I got very angry. I went back to him and said "Look, I spent thirty seven years of my life eating away my feelings, and now that I am not using food, it makes perfect sense that all those feelings are coming up, but I am glad they are. If you can't handle them. I find a doctor that can.

Soul - yeap, exactly my sentiment. When I went into depression n analytical. Friends asked me to snap out of it. We'll, I did hide in front of them, but when not meeting them I let go.

When food is love
Karen - being awake and alive is a package deal. I don't get to go through the line and pick only goodies. On one side is wonder, awe, excitement, laughter - and on another side is tears, disappointment, aching sadniess.
Wholeness is coming to me by being willing to explore all the filling. My life is a mixture of bliss and pain. Its hurt a lot these days, but its real. I don't know where this is leading, but one thing I know for sure. I am definitely going.
Yes, to the process instead of the goal.
Yes to the wonder, yes to the sadness. Yes, Yes.

Soul - that's how it has been for me. Yes, yes. I don't know where all my meditation wld lead me but m continuing for sure. And now into hatha. I hav to admit, my feet is not frozen in d mornin cos I did sun salutation. So, its true. I am excited towards the hatha. Looking forward to open up some nerves. I know I hav to wake up 5 am now, and m willing to come work at 9..30 am.

When food is love
Geneen - anyone who was stupid enough to love me, anyone for whom I didn't hav to turn cartwheels and break my heart was not someone I want to marry.

Soul - mmm, m not sure if I tot that way now. I recall I don't like guy who are not exciting, cannot par with me intellectually.
Mmm, funny, I tot I had an image m not smart n hence I guess I wanted smart guy. Not sure abt this.

When food is love
Geneen - His presence gladdened me, excited me, comforted me. I found him tender and interested, passionate and respectful. My problem wasn't Mike. My problem was that I didn't equate those feelings with love. Love was tense, unpredictable and urgent. Love was the feeling in my stomach that he was slipping and I had to do something before it was too late. Love was all up to me.

Soul - what's love to me. Love is never giving up, always there, like d korean drama where d hero said he will be the soil for the heroin so she can grow strong and bear fruits. He said he want her to follow her dream, just like he want to follow his. She said she has nothing to give back. He said she doesn't have to give back, jus loving him is more than enough.
Jus like the second korean drama, d younger guy stayed with d divorcee, supported throughout. Tot she is worth all, despite her rejection due to fear, he still preservere.
Love endures, loves lasts, love is forever, love is supportive, love is growing and sharing.
Mmm, I m now more clear of what love is. This is what I can offer now and that's what I wan to receive too. Amen.

When food is love
Being in a relationship is painful. But its real pain. Its not the pain of wanting someone who doesn't want u, nor is it the pain of trying to fix someone life so that they see the truth - or you.
Soul - actually, never been in rship. I can start but to stay n grow, nope. Cos, there is possibility of failure. I wonder, perhaps that's the way abt my job, I can start but I can't stay. I wld leave whenver I perceive my value drop, either by the Company's eyes or my eyes.
I guess when d guy m dating ends it after a few dates, I view that they think m not valuable enough to stay, to endure.
I am like a crab, I need time to grow. If he stays, he can see the beauty and joy in me. Or perhaps if I stayed, they can see.
At the back of everything, I am afraid of possibility of failure in;
1. Work
2. Rship
3. Love
4. Games.
5. Anything.

When failure is crystalised, it confirm that I am not valuable and then I hav to face facts. Perhaps that's why my search of partner, always filtering what I perceive to be unvaluable cos I too am unvaluable. Otherwise how wld I know.

Father, I haven't been living. I tot I live in my Work, but nope I ran. I tot I live in Isha, I also run, but I always come back. I wil do sathsang once a fortmonth, take turns with fellow meditator.
Perhaps that's wit food, anything not of high value - I reject.

When food is love
The hallmark of compulsion is the inability to know when we have enough. Of anything, food, work, love, success, money.
The hardest part abt compulsions is that when the behaviour ends, the emptiness does not.
Suzuki Rushi - Nothing happens outside of you. A relationship is not about finding peace by being with another human being. It is about making a commitment to maintain contact and not run away when your partner is a mirror for the hardness in your heart.

Soul - tot of PA. How can I jus drop her like that. We'll, she did say she drop me. Well, not sure lah.

When food is love
The question is not when or if you will meet someone you love; nothing will change when u met the love of your life. The work begins when the infatuation ends. And the question is not how glorious it will be to wake up with a warm body beside you, and have someone to go to the movies and celebrate holidays with and go to your parents house wit and be yourself with.
The question is what will you do when it gets hard. How can u trust someone when you have never learned to trust yourself?
What does it mean for someone who has replaced love with food to be in a loving relationship?
What do we need to learn about intimacy? What does being intimate with one person teach us abt our connection with all living things?
　
Soul - when I fail, I felt worthless and feeling of unlovability arise and the outcome is abandoment. That's why I won't put myself in any situation whereby there is possibility of failure.
That's why I stayed wit d con man cos I was adamant to make it work as I don't wan to fail. But with him, I reached my limit.

Oct 22. Not leaving when it gets hard
When food is love
What u learn abt intimacy
1. Commit urself
2. Tell the truth
3. Trust yourself
4. Pain ends and so does everything else
5. Laugh easily
6. Cry easily
7. Have patience
8. Be willing to be vulnerable
9. Be willing to fail
10. Don't let fear stop you from leaping into the unknown or from sitting in dark silence
11. Remember that everything get lost, stolen, ruined, worn oyt, broken; bodies sag and wrinkle, everyone suffers; and everyone dies.
12. No act of love is ever wasted.

Soul - m now in step 9

When food is love
Treating ourselves wit kindness, gentleness and compassion are necessary parts of breakin free. But the glue that holds the other parts together; effort and commitment.

Soul - Father, thank u. Never wld I ever tot am not supported. You hav always been there. I receive Osho - courage and this msg of "not leaving when it gets hard"
I was contemplating of running cos I don't wan to treat myself harshly. Of cos, I hav always run. Thank u. Also thanks for sending Regional CFO, a queen diamond like me.
Yea, I don't get support here but I get support from You.

When food is love
Not leaving when it gets hard.
The commitment is to a way of lving in the world.
The commitment is to staying with yourself, not another person, not an eating program - and arranging your eating, work, relationship and spiritual life according to your priorities.
Doing what you need to do, to let that life within you unfold and not letting yourself be seduced by glamour, money, fame, thiness, or the illusions that u can live a life free of pain.

Soul - in my case, a life free of failure

When food is love
Geneen. Earlier to me, if love wasn't frantic or tumultous, it wasn't love. To love, u had to long for. to love, you had to bleed.
Now I know - love is easy.

Soul - that's my feeling. Now I know love doesn't need drama. Its just 2 people ready for each other, connect and grow together.
Father, what a finale. I am ready for love.

Afternoon
Ekhart Tolle
The joy of Being, which is the only true happiness, CANNOT come TO you through any form, possession, achievement, person or event - thru anything that happens. The joy emanates from the formless dimension WITHIN you, from consciousness itself.

Soul - m joyful unconsciously whenever I m connectin to Universe during meditation.

Ekhart Tolle's New Earth
Allowing the diminishment of ego
The ego is always on guard against any kind of perceived diminishment. It defense mechanism is interested only in self preservation than in the truth.
A powerful spiritual practice is consciously to allow the diminishment of ego when it happens without attempting to restore it.
Do nothing. For a few second, you will feel uncomfortable as if you shrunk in size. Then you may sense an inner spaciousness that feels intensely alive. You haven't diminished n instead expanded.
Thru becoming LESS, you become MORE.

Soul - I finally admit to Regional CFO that m afraid to fail n it release the resistance towards him, CEO n d situation.