Releasing the past burden

Oct 19

Did my meditation this mornin. Yday, while listening to cd, My Way of Heart, I went into meditation. The cd lasted 1 hour. Later when I went to bed, I start to laugh for no reason. It was a restful sleep. And today I am awake, while driving, noticing all d trees on d way, their leaves blowing. I feel contented knowing m fine, d fear is gone. I wan d mountain picture, not for protection cos m truly self-protect (ironically this is what everyone said to me. I would say m Universe-protect but d connection is thru me).

When food is love
At some point in my life, my pain has stopped being about abuse and abandonment. At some point in my life, I have to move away from being the child of a drug-dependent mother to being a woman who is connected to the Source of her own vitality and who is responsible for the ways she choses to ignore it or express it.

Soul - my point has come. I no longer need protection, m Universe-protect. I trust everything will be fine. Am not even afraid if I lose my job, I knew whatever is my path will arise. I have come another big circle - Self-protection

My circle
1. Happy go lucky - Sad - Happy
2. Confidence - Inferior - Confidence
3. Smart - stupid - Smart
4. High value job - low value - Invalueable
5. Lovable - unlovable - Loved
7. self-protect - insecure - Self-protect. - no longer a victim


When food is love
A victim is one who has no choices, someone who is dependent on those around her to protect her. A victim's sense of well-being or lack of it, comes from the love or lack of it, she receives from her environment. A victim look outside, not inside, herself for clues about her feelings, her next move. Children are victim.
We r not to blame for what happened to us as children, but we r responsible for what we do with our pain as adults. At some point in our lives, we have go to stop being someone's neglected baby

Soul - yeap, amen. I wld count my journey actually start in 1999 since Finland, when I got Wayne Dwyer book. From 1997 to 1999, I was into personal devt. What a journey n it will continue.
Tot of my cousin n her death. She being a Four of Heart, loves family live. The one she wants is to hav a house of her own, to create d family she want. If it was difficult earlier to get out from the ancestral home. It wld be nearly impossible to do after her birth, with her heart condition. So, I can understand why she let go. Amen.

When food is love
There are many things in life beyond our control but eating is not one of them; it is however, a perfect reflection of what we believe about responsibility, autonomy and blame. We must be specific.

Soul - this goes to affirm, my approach on Food - maximum control. I m specific on what I allowed into my life.
One food I don't allow is indian food. And that's why I m into isha yoga, loosen my control.
Last sat, knowin I wld go to indian house, I try to control by going late. Hoping they serve food before I arrive, so I don't hav to wait. I bought lovely cakes,hoping they wld serves mine instead n I don't hav to eat indian food. Alas, both also didn't happen. I hav to eat indian food.

When food is love
When we have been violated - sexually, physically or emotionally - the process of healing includes denial, confusion, rage, grief and acceptance. There is no right way to go thru the stages of healing, nor is there any limit on how long each stage lasts. Feelings cannot be skipped; u get out of them by going through them.

To heal we hav to believe that healing is possible. We must want to heal more than we r afraid to feel _ rage, grief and sorrow. We must want to heal more than anything else

I have cycled through the seasons of my sorrow and emerged wit a quiet heart. A quiet heart is all I wanted to begin with. Or end with.

Soul - amen

Afternoon
M joinin hatha in Spore, Teacher said m crazy. I guess from economy wise, cos I hav to pay air fare, difference in price and etc. But m fine cos its a break.
I actually m quite easy wit money once I decide to spend. Or is this new?

Osho card
1. The issue - the burden
A man true's life is the way in which he puts off the lie imposed by others on him. Stripped n natural, he is what he is. This is a matter of being, and not of becoming. Lighten up n send away all d external n internal expectation

Soul - yeap, I was feelin nervous cos thinking if whether I cld hav solved it on my own. Of cos, I knew this round is beyond me.
On the pay cut, if Regional CFO want to cut, I wan to discuss abt partial working time. I am already the lowest paid director n now to cut further, might as well make it worthwhile. First thing is 4 days work.

2. Internal - Creativity
The key is to abandon oneself to the energy that fuels the birth of all things. True creativity arises from a union with the divine, with the mystical and the unknowable. Then it is both a joy for the creator and a blessing to others.

Soul - a tot came on looking for job. This industry is now like a commodity n d biz model not changed yet. Also here, apart from my staff n also the variety and also m needed, I don't really enjoy it. But I don't know what my passion apart from inner journey.
All d books that I bought the other day will guide me, amen.
Last sat, while watching The Women, she doesn't know what she wants. She keep on photographin. I tot I wan to do that too.

Aiyah, I hav photo camera also never tot of using. What m I creative? Writing???
Mmm, I do write my journal but more for release. Father, I don't know anything for now. Mmm, things r not in my control n for once I go wit the flow. I guess I was jus thinking of close friend's expectation. Actually, none of my job I was ever passionate abt. The only thing different was I was effected by it emotionally since m validated by my job. Now m not. So what's next.

3. External influence - courage.
When faced wit a difficult situation, we hav a choice - to project to others /to be a victim or we can face it and grow.
Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.

Soul - I guess this card told me to hang on. Anyway -its only 1 and half year. So stay, at least until CEO retires n then decide. This place is good for me to test my control issue cos most things not within my control, volatile environment.

4. Control - controlled persons are always nervous because deep down turmoil is still hidden. If u r uncontrolled, flowing and alive, u r not nervous. Whatver happens, happens. You hav no expectations for the future, u r not performing.
There is a time and place for control, but if we put in charge of our lives we end up totally rigid.
Take a deep breathe, loosen up. If mistakes happen, it is ok. If things get a little out of hand, it's probably just what the doctor ordered. There is much, much more to life than being "on top of things".

Soul - tot of me dancing close eye in the water. When my eyes was closed, there is no difference between outside n inside water - I remain calm.

5. The resolution.
Clinging to the Past.
Everything is going to become yesterday. Everything is going to go out of ur hands. Clinging simply create misery. You will have to let go.
The past is gone and any effort to repeat it is a sure way to stay stuck in old blueprints that u wld have already outgrown if u hadn't been so busy clinging to what h have already been through.
Take a deep breathe, put it down.


Soul - tot of me n my control nature, fear of live, afraid to face any remote failure. Nornally, I wld be finding another job. But I really don't wan to. What I wan n is KJ n staying in d house, I don't mind becomin d rest of workforce who want 9 to 6 pm.

Oct 19
I didn't like d part Regional CFO said abt me not able to manage CEO - actually that one m ok, I already conceded defeat.

What I didn't like is the threat of making 17 percent margin, as if I hav to make. Didn't like that I said nothing can be cut. I think my current pay doesn't hav to be responsible for numbers n also I hav a CEO that doesn't toe the line.

He said I hav given up my std. I said I wld give my input, but is d CEO call.

Father, I don't like it. My current pay is not worth this responsibility. Why shld I bear d burden when everyone else not bother. It is him wanting to meet the margin/numbers.

I m thinking of running off but then tot better of it. I hav a good team under me. I guess what I was pissed off is that how come is the FD charged wit delivering numbers, if that is the case. I wan to be paid accordingly. Since I can't change d role, I wan to be paid.

I defended myself that I did give my advice to CEo but its her call.
Regional CFO said I did std up but I give up on making my std. I said its CEO's call. He said nope if numbers are not met. He said I m not doing my job well.
He asked if he need to talk to CEO to listen to my advice. I said no, perhaps m jus not strong enough to std against CEO.
He said I shld inform CEO that we r protecting their job so they shld be appreciative.

Father, like Sadhguru said. Jus be upfront, nothing to lose.

Lookin at my Osho card,
1. Burden - heavy responsibility n difficult CEO.

2. Creativity - the important thing is to be open to what wants to be expressed through u. Remember that we don't possess our creations; they do not belong to us. True creativity arises from a union with the divine, with the mystical and the unlknowable. Then it is both a joy for the creator and a blessing to others.

Soul. I was searching for what I want, what is my passion. Alas my forte is business n operational strategy and people mgm. Many people has told me that I hav what it takes to be a COO but I said I don't wan cos I wan 9 to 5 job. Of cos in reality, m working 9 to 8 all these years. Actually, I m afraid of failure n now perhaps this is a chance to use my creative passion.

I discussed wit Regional CFO that we too focus on salary cost n expense n not focusing on growing revenue n he agrees.
Actually I had more confidence in him now that I know he is Queen of Diamond, I know he can support me. When he said to him, car is transport n both his staf has a more fancier car than him.

3. Courage
When we r faced wit a very difficult situation we hav a choice; we can either be resentful or try to find somebody to blame or we can face the challenge to grow.
There is no point fighting against the challenges of life, or trying to avoid or deny them, they are there, and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.

Soul - at first was resentful that FD has to take charge on numbers, which is not d norm in other industries. FD has to take care of CEO n m not paid for it.
Then I had a difficult CEO who overrides me n not appreciative. If she listen to me, we can make it.
Of cos, my normal operandi is to run.
I guess Regioanl CFO is correct, be myself. I was being submissive, giving in to CEO. Can I do it, yes. But I must make clear d position to JC n I tell her I can't do it if she continue to bull doze her way thru.
If I think deeper, my forte is business managing n here d role required so. Its only d CEO that's difficult. And my forte is managing biz. So, wil stay put. The thing not in favour now;
1. Difficult CEO - 1 year to go or at the most 2 years.
2. Pay not enough - I think can be reinstated again once I take chaege.

4. Control.
You hav no expectations for the future. You are not performing. Then why shld u be nervous.
His world is order n perfect, but it is not alive - he cannot allow any spontaniety or vulnerability.
Take a deep breath. If things get a little out of hand, it's probably jus what the doctor ordered.

Soul - yea, m afraid of failure. M afraid of havin responsibility and over burdening myself. Mmm, now look at burden card. Earlier I tot the burden is ask me not to take the responsibiluty. Not to listen to Regional CFO.

Burden - Shrug off the loads of shld n shldnt, u hav ur own mountain to conquer, ur own dreams to fulfill n u will never have the energy to pursue them until u release urself from the expectations you hav gathered from others but now think are ur own.

Soul - I guess I was afraid of faulure. Afraid that my brother is right, that m slow, bit dim witted, not smart. Its ok to give ideas when I don't hav d responsibility cos then it wouldn't be my failure. Of course, if successful, its not my success either. I don't think of success, I mostly think of failure.
Honestly, can I do it. I am not sure, but m here now n I accept the challenge. And I hav d meditation to help me.

Burden
This card reminds us to take a deep breath, loosen our neckties and take it easy. If mistakes happen, its okay. If things get a little out of hand, its jus probably jus what the doctor ordered. There is much, much more to life than being "on top of things"

Soul - Amen. Finally understood this week card. Thank u, Father. U r always here for me. Tot of d weekly horoscope card which says forget abt thinking those who didn't support u, focus on those who do. Father, I seldom hav support from people but I always have u, my family and my staff.

5. Clinging to the past
This figure is so preoccupied with clutching her box of memories that she has turned her back on the sparkling champagne glass of blessings available here and now.
Take a deep breathe, put the box down, tie it up n bid farewell. Its time to face up that the past is gone and any effort to repeat it is a sure way to stay stcuj in old blueprints.

Soul - yea, I finally found my Soul n its time to show up. Its time to manifest the Soul to the people. The champagne glass is here. The 10 of diamonds.