I m too in control when it comes to food

Oct 14
We are only affected by judgement of others when we hav d inner judgement too.

You can only judge others if u hav d same traits too. If u can see u have it.

Father, I hav loads in my mind. Yday meditation, I cried to Sadhguru, help me to drop d mind. It was also an intense meditation.
This mornin I woke up, again wondering what day is it. Did my suria namaskara, still loads of tot, this time is abt conducting sathsang.
Father, help me.

Osho - Mind
The cloud of mind is not interested in u, you are the one clinging it. It is jus ur decision to drop it that it will disappear.

Soul - Yday, told mom abt Spore trip but didn't tell her m doin yoga, jus said I hav leave n I wan to clear it. She was bit agitated, perhaps suspecting m into yoga :).

When food is love
We eat the way we live. What we do wit food, we do it in our lives. Eating is a stage upon which we act out our beliefs about ourselves.

Soul - this mornin before meditation, I had a tot that I was attached to my personality of being in control, being strong, being neutrel, being good. Well, maybe its time to drop this cherished part of me. Let me go down n let it out. I know in d end, I be stronger after I be bad. I hav many people here who are bad, they live n survive, so wld I. I need not hold such a tight wind on myself.

I guess d need to be in control in order not to be swayed by feelings is my ego's strong hold. I guess that's why ego freaked out when it saw samyama. Why? Anyway, I jus wan to do hatha yoga for my RA. I wan to start before my body deteriorate. A few mths back, I wrote that my development would be prioritised as follows;
Karma - body (4)
Kriya - energy (2)
Bhakti - emotion (3)
Gnana -mind (1)

I knew that the last wld be the body and now I have reach there now. Its irony, its becos I did shoonya, I was exposed to suria namaskara, something I hated so much n now I welcome it - opening up all my nerve points. Its after Suria Namaskara, I tot of doing hatha but there were no programme n I shelved it. Later the medical check up spur me to take it again n coincidentally Spore has d hatha programme. Now I have decided that I wake up 5 am to do. Its good for me. I told d ego its ok, we don't hav to do sunday walk. But then a tot came, we can do yoga at the open tile space, as d rest. Aiyah again my mind.

Afternoon
Jus now overheard d PA again asked d other person to call d CEO directly. My first tot was why she do that. Always claiming she is not the expert n so cannt communicate, avoiding CEO scolding. The PA role is to handle the supplier so CEO need do so n here PA revert them back to her. If that's the case, then what's her role here since she doesn't hav office work.
Later after meditation, I tot she can't leave, perhaps d mirror of me who can't stay. It is not easy to liberate urself. But I guess in her case, she jus waiting for severance money.

When food is love
I have decided not to diet anymore. I am giving myself a year to eat what I want without guilt.
For the first time, I was asking for what I wanted and I wouldn't let anyone tell me I couldn't have it.
After 5 mths of eating whateve I want;
I am undoing 28 years of brainwashing, of being told that my hunger are bottomless and that I must be vigilant in my attempt to control them. I am not spineless, I am not devouring. I do not need to be afraid of myself.
I can - and will -trust myself to embrace what life us giving and dismiss what will destroy me.
I am lovable. I am loving; my choices abt food will reflect that, if I give myself a chance.

Soul - a bit like me. At the start of meditation, I hav stopped controlling what I eat and how much I sleep. I eat the full plate instead of leaving half full. I slept in the afternoon without alarm clock - instead of max 2 hour nap, I now can take 3.5 hours, without experiencing any difficulty in sleeping at night.
I eat dinner at 11 pm, I actually munch less during weekend.
I stop weighing myself for past 1 year since meditation. Here after going full steam, there is only abt 1 kg or so increase, but I still like me.
I eat indian food. I eat vegetarian. I eat what I used to deplore.
I have decided not to care what is my personality, what I took pride of, what represent me. Jus be what m feeling inside. If m bad, unloving, bias, not in control, anxous, not helpful, not solving problems for others, not strategising, so be it.

So, I have let go of my control.

When food is love
The first step in healing is telling the truth. When u tell the truth, u acknowledge ur losses. When u acknowledge ur losses, u grieve about them. When u grieve abt them, u let go of defining urself by how much and how badly u have been abused. You begin living in the present instead of living in reaction to the past. If u don't know what ur pain is about, you can't release it.

Soul - true. First step I told my first close Male friend. Second time I told stranger at AsiaWorks Third time I told close friends when d con man happen. Fourth time, d release of all guilt at Isha. Final time; in d blog.
I was not abused, but I was a sensitive child n when confronted with sexual molest takes full responsibility n vows never to let things get out of hand, to be always in control.
It was at Isha, I realised that I didn't even scream when it happen n therein lies my guilt n its all released. Am healed.
That's how much energy n mind power I had.


I m a control freak when it comes to food. Everything must be of certain quality for me to eat. I also control in terms of volume.

I don't let go in terms of food. I m too in control when it comes to food.
I don't let anyone influence me on my food taste.
I cannot let anything low taste to be near me.