Seeing an alternative from my old picture of myself

Oct 13

Morning
Father, my mind is acting up. This mornin, tot of d 2 emails, simple error that PA need to correct me. Frankly, its insignificant. I wasn't focusing cos my mind still on the report. Here ego said m off, n meditation not helping me. Dear dear ego, let go.

Then another tot came, I don't like reporting, shld I be lookin for another job. Aiyah, its true another job may not hav reporting, but d stress still there n its not good for our RA.

This morning, woke up wit a sprint, not sure if this is a working day or not. Then wash face n wanted to start guru pooja n suddenly a tot came, d msg "Unceasingly". Part of me wonder m goin too fast n if I can spare the time. But now d msg is unceasingly, I can wake up at 5 am to do d yoga cos already m up at 5.35 am.

Also, yday reading abt Olivinol, recommending a DAILY destressing via yoga and meditation also spur me to make this decision. As Hasina said, it wil come after 5 years or more, so I want to be preventive.

Tot of the other day sathsang, Sadhguru mentione abt detachment from outcome. But that doesn't mean he doesn't pursue unceasingly to get the result he wanted. Cos otherwise, why do the action in the first place. The thing is NOT to have vested interest. I hav been wondering abt the quest of applying my intuition skill in manifesting what I want. Did tot that I shouldn't be wanting, but I guess Sadhguru has make it clear - to pursue to manifest but detached from the final outcome.

When food is love
Being able to move from apparent confidence to utter desolution in the time it takes a start to fall is one of the sympthons of being in an adult body and experiencing life through the shattered eggshell of childhood.
It seemed to me as a child, that in one moment, everything was fine and in the next moment, everything had fallen apart.

Soul - no wonder I even tot of d typo mistake I made cos my mind was focusing on reporting. I felt judged when PA highlighted the error. Knowing she will judge me. As if it matters. I guess its becos d PA always said m not up to par, found me lacking in terms of presentation, appearances, demenour, at ease n etc. I guess its my own ego judging muself, cos as a child, m always being judged against my beautiful friends.
When in primary school, my legs has so many mosquito bites, lost 1 front teeth n didn't have money to make denture for a few years, afraid to smile cos don't want people to know. By the time got money for denture, d place for teeth "taring" already gone.
Also hav no money to wear new cloth n school uniform, always having handowns, d clothes looked faded and old. Didn't hav money to buy facial pdt, so face oily n got pimple. Didn't hav money to pay tricycle man n hence have to sit behind.
My tumbleris d cheap one, not like d Tupperware brand that others have. Others looks great n I looked shabby.
Others can speak well n me impolite. Others always look great n don't have to justify their existence/prove their worth. Me, have to fight all the way.

For years, I keep to myself. Its only when I was doing yoga, abt 30 years old, I realised I look abt average in a group of at least 30 yoga students.
The negative image I have of myself;
1. Shabby
2. No poise
3. Not fun
4. Physically challenged, lack coordination Cannot play games, always hurt myself
5. Skin not good
6. Don't speak well
7. Slow minded.
8. Absent minded
9. Spatially challenged.
10. Not beautiful.
11. No presence _ Always have to do/act/talk before can get attention.
12. Untidy.
13. Lazy.
14. Cannot attract anyone good.
15. Unlovable.

The truth as I see it now
1. Shabby - m ok looking
2. No poise - I know how to carry myself well. My staff said I always look rich. Any jewellery I wear, looks like real.
3. Not fun - m funny
4. Physically challenged, lack coordination Cannot play games, always hurt myself - I can play games. Can swim now. I know know my physically challenged cos I was using my mind instead of body.
5. Skin not good - my legs ok eons ago. I got lovely fair skin, admired by loads of people. Of cos, now darken becos of swim, but d skin still look good especially when I wear colour that provides the contrast.
6. Don't speak well - I communicate very well, especially during meeting and also when I write. 7. Slow minded. - only in matters I m not interested in. I m actually an intellectual. I can relate to Carl Jung and Krishnamurti. Can read n understand philosophy n psychology like duck to water.
8. Absent minded - when m not interested. M quite focus n intense if the outcome is important, both in work and my spiritual development.
9. Spatially challenged. - Its becos I m ok without any direction that I don't bother to observe n remember d direction. M ok with uncertainty. I am adventureous
10. Not beautiful - I am sweet n cute looking.
11. No presence/charisma - Always have to do/act/talk before can get attention. - That's is still true. But I n longer need to create presence. I no longer need to std out to be noticed. I already noticed myself.
12. Untidy - not so if compared with others as I got ok threshold
13. Lazy. - only in things m not keen in.
14. Cannot attract anyone good - still true
15. Unlovable - m loved

So, all d negative images is Nullified except No Presence/Charisma and Attracting Good Men


When food is love
When u grow up believing that u r loved because of what u do, not who u are, ur survival depends on doing the right thing. If u made one wrong move, u believe u will die

Soul - in my case its not doing but it is being a mature person, being neutrel, able to see both side, able to ignore sadness, ignore anger, able to show only neutrel side. Able to be the person everyone is comfortable to be with, non-competitive, don't aggravate, don't shine.

Father, its like m hiding all these while. In order to hide, d mind has to take charge n d energy to ensure that I don't slip must be great. Both my body n feeling has been put on sidelines all these years.

Yday when doin meditation, I tot that I need hatha yoga to reactivate my bdoy, to reactivate my sensation. No wonder m physically challenged as my body is not allowed to show up and hence cannot perform. No wonder I got no presence/charisma cos my emotion is hold up too, so feeling cannot come up.

With meditation, feeling is coming up and now I need hatha yoga to freed up my body. Doing shakti is unravelling my internal organs make up and now need to work on my joints.
Father, amen.


When food is love
The one-wrong-move syndrome is a description of a reaction to a feeling, event or person in which it seems that in one moment everything is fine and in the next moment there is nothing, not a single thing that is right or good in ur world.

Soul - my dad is volatile, my mom is the ever neutrel one, able to absorb everything from anger to sadness, always showing the good side, the neutrel side. I grew up not wanting to be dad - lack of emotional control and yet also not wanting to be like mom, too full of control, always d goody one, the mature one.

But I turned out to be like mom in d need not to be like my dad.

Father, thank u so much. Finally I dare to look at what I am afraid to see, all d negative self image I hav. Now I knew why I blow up on PA cos she judged me mercilessly n she is not doing it. I freaked out.
Also, I now knew why PA affects me cos she is my Judgor for all the negative self image I have on my physical attributes.
My close friend affects me for my belief that I hav to be goody, otherwise m not lovable.
They affect me only to the extent that they are the External Voice of my Inner Judgement Voice.

My 7thunder card for today - Ace of spades
It represents "truth that lies behind the veil of illusions". So it has often been the symbol for the study and pursuit of esoteric knowledge and mystical wisdoms.
The Ace of Spades is also one of the traditional cards for death, change and transformation. With this card, u will go thru some sort of death and rebirth, or at the least, some important and powerful changes.

Soul - so true. Exactly how I feel. After the break up/confrontation with PA and close friend, I finally see the truth behind d veil. Its all me and I knew now that they wld no longer affect me.