Source of RA - dismissal of feeling by controlling it

Oct 24

Jus now I was thinkin despite me being unhappy here, this job has propel me to the next level. M no longer afraid to be CFO.
Now I realised why I write journal. I hav no one to pour my feeling to. And d journal is for my release. I believe that if I express, people get uncomfortable n they wil dismiss it, making me feel small for having feeling. Jus like in India, I was feeling afraid of experiencing too much, feeling afraid I will stay. Prema said my fear r unfounded - she has dismissed my feeling.

Now I realised - my issue is my feeling not being recognised. Since people doesnt recognise, I have learnt to shut off and not recognise it myself. Last time people do it to me and for years I do it to myself - not acknowledging my feeling. Alas, finally m acknowledging my feeling when I said I m unhappy. The fact that close friend said its hormonal, I wasn that upset, unlike previously.

Now I realised what is d thing wit close friend and PA. Both of them tot they knew better than me n tot I m not clear n hence give me alternative perception. Of cos to me, again, they act like my parents, who thinks they knew me better than I knew myself n dismiss my feeling. Thats is why i seem to be receptive. Thats is why i seems to be open...in reality i m internally closed up..

I was laughing n crying when it finally crystalise. Now I knew why I hate authority. Authority represent repression of feelings. My family does it and I learn to do it. That's where I got RA.
From now on, I wld consciously ask how I feel. And now its crystalised, I m not happy in my job. It is not hormonal as what Pearly thinks. Amen

Thanks to close friend's issue on being imposed by others, I finally uncover my issue of dismissed feeling by people of authority.
Since m a queen, only people who perceive or I perceive higher than me would dare to give me an alternative view - which to me, is dismissing my feeling.

I hav shared wit close friend my finding. M not sure if she takes it, but it doesn't matter cos we supposed to be equal n I will do my part i But I now decided that I will state my part. Father, everything is crystalising n d past is unravel.

The issue wit conman was me dimissing my own feeling. The issue wit RA was me dismissing my feeling. My parents did it cos they are not able to accept their feelings n hence they dismiss ours. We were taught to be neutrel all d way.

Father, thank u.

My weekly Osho - with my new found understanding
1. The issue - Burden. See the lie, look deep into the lie of ur personality. Because to see the lie is to cease to lie. No longer to lie is to seek no more for any truth - there is no need.
The moment the lie disappears, truths is there in all its beauty and radiance. In seeing of the lie, it disappears, and what left is truth.

Soul - now that I finally unravel that I hav been dismissing my own feeling, I start to laugh cos I m connected. Then I cry for the wasted years n for RA.
When I unravel my control freak during Asia works, I tot I was jus havin high emotional control. I never intepret this as dismissing my feeling, which is much more serious. That's why PA said my feeling were repressed, dented.
When I first did reiki n first time do osho card, I got this Burden card. Now it finally crytalise.
M using this crystalise a lot. To me, it meant that all the past issues is unravel and the end is near.

Osho -You hav ur own mountains to conquer, ur own dreams to fulfill, but u will never have the energy to pursue them until u release urself from all the expectations you have gathered from others but now think r ur own. Its time to lighten up and send them on their way.

Soul - no wonder I never had any energy to think of my passion. Close friend also said she never tot of her passion. Close friend n I also mirror. I used my energy to repress n ignore my feeling so I can jus adapt. Close friend used her energy to proceed ahead despite not wanting to do; impose on herself on things she doesn wan.

Osho - internal influence. Creativity. The key is to abandon oneself to the energy that fuels the birth of all things.

Soul - the fact m snappish me that control has been broken n feeling is out n energy intact. Its time to tap into the energy to find my destiny, my mountain.

3. External - courage
There was no danger for the seed, the seed cld hav survive d millenia, but for the sprouts many are the danger. But the sprout starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the light, not knowing where, not knowing. Great is the cross to be carried, but a dream possesses the seed and the seed moves.
The flower shows us d way, as its passion for life leads it out of darkness and into the light. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower u r meant to be.

Soul - to find my passion and to manifest.

4. How to resolve - Control. There is a time and a place for control, but if we put it in charge of our lives, we end up totally rigid. Rigidity doesn't allow any spontaneity or vulnerability to enter it.
If mistakes happen, its okay. If things get a little out of hand, its probably jus what doctor ordered. There is much, much more to life than being "on top of things".

5. Resolution - clinging to the past. Take a deep breathe, put the past away. Life is passing u by, and u r in danger of becoming an old fossil before ur time.

Soul - amen. Finally all 5 cards is understood.

Transformational
3. Seed of transformation
A real greatness is so ordinary that it claims nothing, never tries to prove anything

My master,"When he is hungry, he eats, and when he is sleepy, he goes to sleep"

Soul - this means he acknowledges his feeling. If he is hungry, he realised and he act on it and find food.
For me, I didn't even know m hungry.
Now I know.