Compulsive internal controller

Oct 15

Father, what a weird dream. Me n sis in a car, 2 man sat in n wanted to hijack us. But there were so many people n they were caught. We brought them to the Police station. Somehow, they brough corporate people, there seems to be no police who want to take in d hijackers that we caught. I was so exasperated that I had to call 911 to get attention. In the midst of all, I was feeling bewildered. I also noticed when d hijackers climb into the car, I was calm - which is not normal. I shld be freaking out. Mmm, perhaps I can't cos I was freaking in.

Yday evening had a tot that if my view of food is my view on life. Then m a compulsive internal control person. I controlled anything that I eat or rather I wouldn't let myself be exposed to bad food, low taste, low quality, anything that i perceived to be of low value...from work to food, to clothes, to people...

I wld say I wan everything in me to be of high value. Any low value, I swept it up n don't do anything that can let them show up.

I guess my 3 ex-bosses - all with their need to control external - people and environment is jus a reflection of my need to control myself. Also they project their emotion fully and here I keep mine fully.

Before d incident I was already in control, always managing people n situation. But when d sexual molest happen, as a child I decided that I didn't control enough n further emphasis on my strength of my control. After it happen, I express some sadness and anger (even then in control already), but it was ignored by my mom cos she too can't face her feeling.
I took it that it was me over reacting, had to switch off the incident, contain it, don't feel it. I don't feel other nor do I feel myself. I don't acknowledge other feelings especially sadness cos I don't acknowledge mine. In a way, I also don't acknowledge anger in others - I can be at ease wit them, I guess I also didn't acknowledge d anger in me.
When m happy, I also tone down, cos not sure if I m hurting people, cos they can't be happy like me, worried if they think that I lost my control.
I hav been detached n at times cold. After Asia Work, I start to feel n worry whenever I felt that I lose control - not at my tip top, says something wrong/hurt people and etc.

God, m scaringly amazing. How could I as a child exercised so much control, so much authority being exerted on myself personally.
Perhaps that's why I hated authority, cos there is so much in me already. I was a rebel at schools, at college, at work. Anytime anyone enforce authority on me, I flipped.
Too much internally enforced authority has resulted in RA.

Heal your body - Louise Hay
Rheumatoid Arthritis
Deep criticism of authority. Feeling very put upon.

Affirmation
I am my own authorty.
I love and approve of myself.
Life is good.

Mmm, I always exert control on myself for fear of not being approved. Guess my need to excel at work, excel at personal devt, everything is to seek approval of myself.

Even now, my spiritual devt is different from d isha yoga meditators, I too was worried that m off n they won't accept me. That's why I was hesitating being Sathsang leader, cos that's putting myself on d line, whether they approve of me or not. Guess that's my control again, never put myself in a place that I may lose or rather may not be 'approved'.

When food is love
As adults, we still want what we didn't receive as a child, and we want it in the form we didn't receive it in; another person who loves and cherishes ys; someone who is completely responsible for our well being.
Our parents were responsible for us when we were children, but no one is responsible for us when we are adults.
You are the only one who can provide yourself with unconditional love, safety and constant attention. Only you.

Soul
When I first started meditation, I start to experience that Universe love me Its been more than a year, I have learn to accept and love myself. I am too great, and now jus need to learn to be un-great. Then I wil be great, this time for real, without any enforced authority, either internal or external, but naturally great.

When food is love
Compulsive eaters spend their lives waiting. We r waiting to give the burden of ourselves away. We r waiting to feel complete.
The crumpled child is still crumpled, waiting for what she never received.
And in our unwillingness to listen to her, just as our parents were unwilling to listen to us, we mistake the longing to be loved for the longing to be thin.
It is an enormous, life-altering mistake.

Soul
I was a compulsive internal controller. I won't repeat the mistake again. The RA is a blessing, my suffering is a blessing, otherwise I wouldn't be on this journey for past 10 years. Amen.

When food is love
We learn to abuse ourselves from being abused.

Sou
I learn to control myself from being controlled. My mom afraid of sadness, my dad afraid of confrontation/fighting among sibling. Everything is neutrel, everything is detached. Everything is in control.

When food is love
You can cure compulsive eater by filling ur house with the foods u love, listening to ur body, learning ways to nourish yourself besides eating.

Soul
How do u cure compulsive inner controller?
I who need to be in control, always seem to attract to uncontrollable work environment. Is it a case of what I resist persist? I used to tot m meant to suffer cos m not lovable n Universe doesn't see fit to give me an easy life.

When food is love
Take the obsession away and u r left with feeling as trapped as a child in a family where there is no one to turn to and nowhere to go.

Soul
Yea, if I take out d control, what will happen. I recall d early years of depression, followed by sadness when I first lifted my control.
Now m going up back wit the help from daily meditation. I am now into manifesting what I want. I no longer do clearing.
My control still there, but not so high as before.


Oct 15 Afternoon

When food is love
Griieving is courageous because it looks like wallowing, in a culture that values success and achievement, we believe we have some important things to do than cry over something that happened 30 years ago.
Grieving is courageous because while we are in the middle of it, it seems it will never end.
Most of all, grieving takes courage because we have no idea what comes after grief.
The purpose of grieving is not just to heal. It is not just to understand the pain. It is not just to forgive or to accept it. Healing is the step between grieving and growing.
The purpose of healing is to become whole, and the peurpose of being whole is to move toward a vision of life in which you are fully alive, connected to what sustains you, available to receive and give love.
Healing from the past is the first step. Living in the present is the next. Creating a future that includes the enviroment n nature is the next.

Soul - yep, it took courage. I start the grieving back in 2000 n it was a depression mode. I continue grieving even when close friends asked me to snap out of it, saying m no longer fun. Am glad I have the grieving period.
After the grieving period, I tot I was over it, but the remnant is still there. While the pain is over, the defense mechanism is still in operation. I hav tried ways n means to be conscious not to activate my defense mechanism, but it was slow, up until I did isha meditation, its so liberating. I am now focusing on gathering all my fragmented self to be whole again. What a journey! Am so excited on whatever will come next. Am no longer afraid cos I can connect to the Universe whenever I meditate. Amen

When food is love
Friends would wince n wait for me to stop when, in the course of conversation, something triggers an old hurt and I described it.
They said that my fascination with the dark side of life is not particularly healthy.
I told them; "the more I move the dark side into consciousness, the less hold it has on me. I don't like mucking around in the pain but m willing to do it because its the only way I know to become whole.

Soul - I first read this book in 2001, re-read in 2004 and now 2009. Like her and Carl Jung, I believe in moving my unconsciousness out to the open. Of cos, the first pile is ton n ton of shit. I have been digging up till early last year when I came to the realisation the shit is never ending cos my ego keep on pilling it up from everywhere. Then I found meditation, something that I tot I can do and like usual, any possible failure, I don't participate. I did it n it was great, at least the shit has stop growing and the good things - joy, peacefulness, contentmenrt from within is coming out. Amen