Fear to fail

Oct 21

My forte is in strategising n people.
It is a form of creativity.
On d margins, jus need to reduce compensation margin 1 percent - relook n increase revenue. Then adjust expense in pbt. I think we exclude severance.
CEO - 3 mths now - lower salary vs 12 mths later higher salary.
We may win biz n reinstate salary.
Wil work out a plan - balance payable plus dec leave - set off against next year leave. Next year leave - pay 12 mths.
Let's admit it, m good at strategy. So, it further points for me to stay here as there is a platform. Only thing is to get d salary.
Also tot of d IT guy. Talk abt challenges, his is ultimate. Since 18 years old, studying full time n working full time. It is unheard of. Also, without IT knowledge he jus picked up n grow. Talk abt being open to Universe. His writing show someone stil not sure of what he want yet, no consistency. But his signature show someone to be reckoned with. Father, if he pass IT Director test, it meant Universe is giving him a break n honestly apart from me, there be no one (who don't know him) that will give him a chance. And its a veil that I selected him for interview, which normally wouldn't happen.

So looking at my challenges - nothing compared to him. He give me motivation.
GM tot I stress eating. Nope, I love food. When m stressed, I don't enjoy my food. So, when m stressed, I jus like to be alone. Yday show was part of strategy to get CEO support.

When food is love
Hemingway says that the world breaks everyone and some of us are strong in the broken places. The purpose of healing is to be strong in the broken places.
When I first knew that there was a way out of compulsive eating besides dieting. I put an adv in the paper that read "Compulsive eating support group for women. I think its possible to stop dieting and lose weight and I think its possible to learn how to nourish ourselves in ways besides food and I think its possible to find out why we use food. If u wld like to participate in these discoveries, call Geneen at xxxx. The cost is USD1 a night for 10 weeks"
Ten women called n enrolled n I hold d the first group at a friend's house. I was then 40 pounds overweight n with a bad perm hair - two person left the group when they saw me.
The years I spend dieting and bingeing were living hell but the path I followed as I realised compulsive eating was my friend, taught me to believe in myself, to laugh at myself, to have courage, to take risks, to enter into life more deeply than I ever tot possible.
It is not the wound that determines the quality of ur life, it's what u do wit the wound - how u hold it, carry it, dance wit it or bury yourself under it.

Soul - I really wan to help all to liberate themselves. Well, my blog is a first step. The 2nd step is the Befriender.
Geneen is incredible.
I jus realised. I am in control cos I m afraid to fail. Even d issue wit PBT n Salary is becos m afraid to fail. Failure is even higher when m unable to control the environment n CEO makes the last call. Its like a sure fail. Even the rest of the Management team know. So why Regional CFO still insist.
That is why I wan to run away.

When food is love
No one knew where dreams are born. And what gives people the grit to follow them.
Life is about what happens as u live with the wounds. Life is not a matter of getting the wounds out of the way so that u can finally leave.
Wounds are never permanently erased. We are fragile beings, and some days we break all over again.
Being an abandonment person changes from year to year, depending on how conscious I am about that piece of myself. How much I am willing to take risk, how patient I am willing to be, how much mercy, I can give to the part of me that is forever frightened of being left.
The purpose of healing is not to be forever happy; that's impossible but is to be awake. And to live while u are alive instead of dying while u are alive.
Healing is about being broken and whole at the same time.

Soul - I m not abandoment case, but I felt m less valuable:, less lovable vs others cos that's why I was given away to be care by others when I was 2 or 3 years old. Of cos, I knew now I m so lovable, that's why neighbours want me and also mom knows she can't handle all n appreciate the neighbours who chip in to take care of me.
And d incident on molest, I tot I was not lovable n hence d matter was not brought up. Alas now I realised its painful for my mom n she has taken care of d situation n also she doesn't wan me to be sad. hence its not a reflection of my lovability. M real lovable.

My brother has forever judged me to be absent minded, not smart, bit slow minded, lack physical coordination, lazy and etc. Has reminded me of my shortcomings n I believe m of less value. Of cos now I knew its his own issue.

When I read abt others I realised my whole life has been a blessing, but I was so focused on the things that is not right n forever taking things personally as a reflection of my worth, my value, my lovability.
Anyway, its past. Laughter is back for sure.
Yday when CEO said GM says PA is grumpy cos she is unhappy as she is alone here without family. She asked CEO to give her due allowance. Of cos, I tot of myself, not loving n also plan to shift her out.
But what is loving? From a biz angle, definitely to remove. From personal angle, she is unable to break free. I think she jus waiting for the retrenchment n m facilitating it. Also, is easier for her to find job now rather than 2 years later.
So, on d surface not lovin but it is lovin. Then she doesn't hav to use back her old shell.

When food is love
Instead of saying "You have blown it, stupid... U never get it right". I would say to myself, "Okay, you are eating when u r not hungry - what's going on?"
In the past, whenever something hurt too much, I would pack up and leave myself because I was afraid that if I experienced the fear, it would eat me alive. I made a commitment to stay with myself, let the fear or hurt wash over me.

Soul - yea, instead of wanting to run away, I m now asking what m I fearing of to fail and what is causing me to think my lovability/value would drop.