I was unhappy n now m fine

Oct 23

Jus now d chat wit a client was d last straw. I lost my control.
When Regional Accountant said d email from fellow Regional is fine, that means I am snappish cos I m feeling resentful. I

Now I know why PA is like that, anytime someone ask her to do things. She is unwilling n hence resentful n hence snappish. Thanks to PA, she is my mirror.

Regional CFO also not happy n hopin to retire earlier n he is only 2 years my senior. But at least he seem to like d job.

M glad. I know.
I resisted cos I was afraid to find another fire. I resisted cos I m afraid I hav no more energy.
Perhaps this is it.
I always wan to be in control, able to overcome anything. Able to endure anything.
I can handle the job and I think I hav done a great job but if I m not happy, no point in continuing.
Will update resume - loads of things I hav done. My 1.5 years here is like 3 years of expereince.
Like my staff said I can handle CEO, its d Regional and WW reporting that I can't.

Now I understand the transformation card on Misuse of Power; Love open the eyes, love cleanses the eyes .... your perception becomes clear.

As per norm I attack internal. I m using my power to force myself to stay. I love myself n I had a good cry and now my perception is clear.

On the seed of transformation - to do a miracle is great but not great enough. To do a miracle is still to be in the world of the ego. A real greatness is so ordinary that it claims nothing; it is so ordinary that it never tries to prove anything.

Soul - at first I resisted n defend myself by becoming detached but not it has turn into resentment. This is something new for me. I resisted cos I didn't wan to quit, am afraid to quit, am afraid to say that I failed. Actually when I quit, they wil agree wit me cos d bulk of work is reporting - tons and I don't enjoy it at all. I can do it now but I don't enjoy it. Its ok, I failed.
I was also afraid people saying that even wit meditation, I can't cope. Its ok. I am also afraid to start again. Its ok.

Ok, let's target final day 6 mths from now. Three month to find a job and to give 3 mths notice - then I be here 2 years exactly. Even if worst case, cannot get job wil put in d letter end Jan 2010.

I m glad I came here. Real suffering but I hav overcome and now my control is gone. I am alive!

Inner awareness - trust in Allah but tether ur camel first.
You can do whatsoever u can do, but that does not make the result certain, there is no guarantee. He know best. Whatever happens accept it.

Soul - I resisted cos I hav put so much in this job, overcome my fear of reporting, my fear of failure, being oppressed by CEO, kowtoing. That's why I can't let go and I hold on. I m sad that after everything I still don't like the job, just like in d beginning, eventhough I can do it.
I guess before it was my fear of failure of reporting and then when I overcome, fear of failure of quitting but now its my love for myself. A big circle n m back stronger.
I guess He knows best, this job is just another stop in my journey. Led me to isha yoga n now that I finally took the pre-final programme - hatha yoga. Everything comes to an end.

Osho card - Inner influence that you are not aware
Laughter - laughter is eternal, life is eternal, celebration contnues. Existence is continuous, it is a continuum. There is not a single moment gap's in it.
No death is death because every death opens a new door - it is a beginning. There is no end to life, there is always a new beginning, a resurrection. It was not a death, it was a new life.
If you change ur sadness to celebration, then u will also capable of changing ur death into resurrection. So learn the art while there is time.

Soul - now I understand. It is referring to the closure of this job. And it is saying that with every closure, there is a new beginning.

The passion test
We take the passion test every 6 mths because we know that as our experience of life grows, we come to know ourselves ever more deeply. You may get married, have children, new opportunities will show up, u will make new discoveries.
Life is constantly evolving and with that evolution comes greater clarity about what is most important.
The deeper u know urself, the more completely you are able to align wit ur personal destiny.

Soul - actually its not that I m happy wit other jobs, its jus that I didn't know I m sad. I guess now that I know what is being joyful, I know when m sad and I was in d job.
So, don't have to judge myself. Alas when I evolved, m more aware.

It is so ironic - I seem happy go lucky, but inside I was sad n further in, I tot m meant endure, not to be joyful. Alas, d meditation has went all d way in and uncovered my hidden joy. All these years, I believe m meant to endure, to overcome challenge/problem before I can even be recognised. Aiyoh, no wonder I keep on attracting challenges.
Well, I m meant to be joyful. M am joyful during meditation and now I wil be joyful outside meditation.

Father, thank u. Finally m learning to love myself.

It is amazing. The timing I done up wit proving myself.

Evenin
My ex-staff has changed so much, spiral down on victim mode, projecting everything out to the world, similar to the other ex-staff.
So scary. I asked him if d present job better than d previous one. He said yes and I asked of d three jobs, which is the worst one, he said is the 1st one. So, I told him things has improved since 1st one, but he forgot. I said I told her to write a list of d things she hates abt her former jobs, so she can appreciate current one.

I shared abt nature house n when he asked abd d man. I hesitated cos for me getting d house is easy than getting d man. Of cos, I can say d man is d icing n d house is d cake, which is true before I saw his pix. But now, I don't mind having d man too. J asked how old is he and I said 42 n ex-staff immediately says he is gay. I guess it plays in my mind. I see him as man man, not too macho or too feminine. Infact, since he is handling SME, he is most likely man man or it wouldn't be easy to do his job.

Aiyah, ex-staff is now very negativ. So, better not share. He wld only smear n alleviate my hidden fear.

Jus now tot of the client that I told off this evening n bit worried but I shrug it off. I wonder if my mood was due to this week stress. But I realised its not.

Father, guide me.