Sept 21 Evening
Father, GM called me yday and I was non-committal, hoping she gets the msg. Looks like not cos she called me this evening. At least this time, I didn't call her back. Will just let it slide. If she call me tomorro, I will say.
At least today, I took the opportunity to tell her that her team is not running well. Also told her abt A not responding to forecast and etc.
Father, mmm, I never tot I have an issue with confrontation. But looks like I have. What's my lesson here?
Father, thanks for samyama meditation. Its such a deep meditation and its effortless. Combination of shoonya and conscious breathing. No wonder, they asked us to start with shoonya. I m glad I was disciplined to stick with breathing meditation for the past 6 months despite no experience. Now, with the motion and my shoonya, it just click. Amen.
Osho - Nanak
Guru is like the wind. He cannot be seen, only experienced. Those who try to see him will miss, because who can see the wind? You can only experience it and feel its touch, but u cannot bind it in ur fist.
Soul
Perhaps that's why I experienced Sadhguru best when he is not available physically.
Osho - Nanak
Birds and animals have mothers but no fathers. Fatherhood requires a higher level of culture and conditioning.
The mind is the father, the body is the mother, wherever there is a body, there is mother. The father begins where the mind is born, so the institution of fatherhood is a very new happening.
The whole universe is a game involving time. There are two kinds of players: one has turned the servants into masters, and the other has understood the servant to be a servant.
Time is not ur master but ur slave. Make use of it, but do not let it use u.
2 types; in one, he who is master utilise his time to find the path to the one beyond time, which is meditation; the other is to be consumed by time.
When a person becomes liberated, many others are liberated by contact with them. Liberation is such a great and superb occurence - even a single person's liberation - that whoever comes near him is filled with his fragrance, and his life journey changes.
Keep awakening ur faith and ur feelings so that u can recognise the guru when he comes. He who has recognised the Guru, has discovered the hand of God; he has recognised that which is beyond the Universe. He has found the gate, and once the gate is found, everything is attained.
You have never lost anything, everything is intact within u and when u pass through the gate, u recognise ur own being. You reawaken to the light, the brilliance that is yours.
What treasures u always held within you are now unfolded. The Guru acquaints u with the self that u always were, and which was not lost for a single moment.
Soul
Amen.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Alternative tot on Power
Sept 21
Another tot of Power.
Just becos people didn't think of protecting me, doesn't mean they don't love me.
They just tot that I am fine and they don't need to worry about me.
I equate power with self-protect, which power = no love.
That's why I don't wan too much power. Becos if I am too powerful, how and where to find someone more powerful than me who will want to worry or take care of me.
Man - take care of me, especially physically. And if they want to take care emotionally, even better.
My parents didn't protect me. They says I can protect myself and let me be taken care by others. They only worry about my physical safety as I can be quite absent minded and not aware of my surrounding.
My brother hurt me instead.
My bosses said I self-protect
My close friend says that she is not worry about me as I can fight my own battle.
This is not about me
The tamil teacher were worried about a guy who was 'overdosed' with Isha and hence didn't see me saying goodbye to him.
As for the email, it didn't even reach him.
Ironically, I got all these info after I let go and no longer bother by it.
Father, how to change my belief of Power is no love to Power is love.
Or rather the 1st step is how to change the belief that just becos I can take care of myself mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically, doesn't mean that I don't want to be care for.
How can I stop asking for love.
Father, second time today that I exceeded the time for practices. Was only done by 7 am, took me 2.5 hours. During my asana, my left leg (masculine) was able to up straight and my face nearly touches my knee on the one leg asana. Looks like, m getting more flexible, the flower essence of Going with the Flow seems to be working.
Tomorrow will wake up 4.20 am.
The samyama meditation is deep, like there is no time. There was just nothing but my breathe. Of all the meditation, samyama is the one that takes all.
Osho Transformation
1. My question
The Quest - searching for the house of God
Gather all courage and take a jump. You will still exist, but in such a new way that u cannot connect it with the old. It will be a discontinuity. But it will not be a loss as u will be oceanic. The oceanic of existence is unlimited.
Blissfulness does not allow u to exist; u have to disappear. That why u don't see many blissful people in the world. Misery nourishes ur ego, that's why u see so many miserable people in the world.
For the realisation of ultimate truth, u have to pay the price and the price is nothing but dropping the ego. So, when such a moment comes, don't hesitate. Dancingly disappear ..with a great laughter; with songs on ur lips, disappear.
Soul
Yea, the oceanic power instead of my limited self power or even other people's power.
Father, Power is Love.
Yea, recently GM, the loss of 2 new staff, the continuous fight between W and S would have agitated me. Even tots r running but somehow its not connected to me and hence reaction not there yet.
My mind is screaming insecurity, red light. But part of me doesn't wan to react to it. Taking a wait and see attitude. This is not just me, its also them.
2. External influences u r aware of
Transmutation - Atisha's heart meditation.
Pain is natural; it has to be understood, it has to be accepted. Because naturally we avoid it. Hence many people avoided the heart and are hung up in the head, they live in the head.
The heart gives pain, but only because it can give pleasure - that's why it gives pain.
Pain is the way that pleasure arrives;
Agony, the door that ecstasy enters.
If one is aware of it, one accept the pain as a blessing. Then suddenly the quality of the pain immediately starts changing. You are no longer antagonistic to it and it has become a friend.
Pain is a fire that is going to cleanse u. It is a transmutation, a process in which the old will go and the new arrive, in which the mind will disappear and the heart will function in its totality. Then life is a benediction.
Atisha meditation - breathe in all the miseries of past, present and future and breathe out all the joy, blissfulness and benediction u have.
Drink in all the suffering and pour out all the blessings.
You will be surprised that the moment u take all the suffering of the world inside u, they are no longer suffering.
The heart is a transforming force: drink in misery and it is transformed to blissfulness.
Soul
That's it the answer. I tot by meeing my destiny, I have to give out love and with no one loving me, then I be totally wiped out.
With Universe unlimited power, all the misery I take will be transformed to joy. There is no loss and there is only abundance.
So, I need not be afraid of the Power. I need not be afraid that I be out of Love.
3. Inner influence u r not aware /seed of transformation
Dropping knowledge
Truth is a vision. One has to see it.
You have to become aware that knowledge is a false coin - it is not knowing, it is not understanding. At the most is intellectual - the word has been understood but the sense lost.
Soul
yeap.
4. New level of understanding /direction of growth
The gates of hell
Heaven and hell are not geographical, they are psychological, they are ur psychology. Heaven and hell are not at the end of ur life, they are here and now.
Every moment, the door opens; every moment u go on wavering between heaven and hell. It is a moment-to-moment question, it is urgent; in a single moment, u can move from hell to heaven, from heaven to hell.
Whenever u act unconsciously, without awareness, u r in hell, whenever u r conscious, you act with full awareness, u r in heaven.
Silence is the door. Inner peace is the door. Love and compassion are the doors.
Soul
I know why. I can see my negative tots of insecurity. I can decide whether I wan to be triggered or not. I chose not to be.
I will continue samyama meditation, the most important one.
5. Key to integration
The journey
Sorrow and suffering and misery - everything has to be taken nonseriously, because the more seriouslt u take them, the more difficult it is to get out of them.
The more nonserious u r, u can pass through suffering, through the dark night, singing a song.
So, why unnecessarily torture yourself? Make this whole journey from here to here just a beautiful laughing matter.
Become religious of out joy, out of the experience of beauty that surrounds u, out of the immense gift of life that God has given to u. Become religious out of gratitude, thankfulness.
When something comes from ur own inner being, it is never broken. But then, it is never a vow, it is a simple phenomenon like breathing.
Another tot of Power.
Just becos people didn't think of protecting me, doesn't mean they don't love me.
They just tot that I am fine and they don't need to worry about me.
I equate power with self-protect, which power = no love.
That's why I don't wan too much power. Becos if I am too powerful, how and where to find someone more powerful than me who will want to worry or take care of me.
Man - take care of me, especially physically. And if they want to take care emotionally, even better.
My parents didn't protect me. They says I can protect myself and let me be taken care by others. They only worry about my physical safety as I can be quite absent minded and not aware of my surrounding.
My brother hurt me instead.
My bosses said I self-protect
My close friend says that she is not worry about me as I can fight my own battle.
This is not about me
The tamil teacher were worried about a guy who was 'overdosed' with Isha and hence didn't see me saying goodbye to him.
As for the email, it didn't even reach him.
Ironically, I got all these info after I let go and no longer bother by it.
Father, how to change my belief of Power is no love to Power is love.
Or rather the 1st step is how to change the belief that just becos I can take care of myself mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically, doesn't mean that I don't want to be care for.
How can I stop asking for love.
Father, second time today that I exceeded the time for practices. Was only done by 7 am, took me 2.5 hours. During my asana, my left leg (masculine) was able to up straight and my face nearly touches my knee on the one leg asana. Looks like, m getting more flexible, the flower essence of Going with the Flow seems to be working.
Tomorrow will wake up 4.20 am.
The samyama meditation is deep, like there is no time. There was just nothing but my breathe. Of all the meditation, samyama is the one that takes all.
Osho Transformation
1. My question
The Quest - searching for the house of God
Gather all courage and take a jump. You will still exist, but in such a new way that u cannot connect it with the old. It will be a discontinuity. But it will not be a loss as u will be oceanic. The oceanic of existence is unlimited.
Blissfulness does not allow u to exist; u have to disappear. That why u don't see many blissful people in the world. Misery nourishes ur ego, that's why u see so many miserable people in the world.
For the realisation of ultimate truth, u have to pay the price and the price is nothing but dropping the ego. So, when such a moment comes, don't hesitate. Dancingly disappear ..with a great laughter; with songs on ur lips, disappear.
Soul
Yea, the oceanic power instead of my limited self power or even other people's power.
Father, Power is Love.
Yea, recently GM, the loss of 2 new staff, the continuous fight between W and S would have agitated me. Even tots r running but somehow its not connected to me and hence reaction not there yet.
My mind is screaming insecurity, red light. But part of me doesn't wan to react to it. Taking a wait and see attitude. This is not just me, its also them.
2. External influences u r aware of
Transmutation - Atisha's heart meditation.
Pain is natural; it has to be understood, it has to be accepted. Because naturally we avoid it. Hence many people avoided the heart and are hung up in the head, they live in the head.
The heart gives pain, but only because it can give pleasure - that's why it gives pain.
Pain is the way that pleasure arrives;
Agony, the door that ecstasy enters.
If one is aware of it, one accept the pain as a blessing. Then suddenly the quality of the pain immediately starts changing. You are no longer antagonistic to it and it has become a friend.
Pain is a fire that is going to cleanse u. It is a transmutation, a process in which the old will go and the new arrive, in which the mind will disappear and the heart will function in its totality. Then life is a benediction.
Atisha meditation - breathe in all the miseries of past, present and future and breathe out all the joy, blissfulness and benediction u have.
Drink in all the suffering and pour out all the blessings.
You will be surprised that the moment u take all the suffering of the world inside u, they are no longer suffering.
The heart is a transforming force: drink in misery and it is transformed to blissfulness.
Soul
That's it the answer. I tot by meeing my destiny, I have to give out love and with no one loving me, then I be totally wiped out.
With Universe unlimited power, all the misery I take will be transformed to joy. There is no loss and there is only abundance.
So, I need not be afraid of the Power. I need not be afraid that I be out of Love.
3. Inner influence u r not aware /seed of transformation
Dropping knowledge
Truth is a vision. One has to see it.
You have to become aware that knowledge is a false coin - it is not knowing, it is not understanding. At the most is intellectual - the word has been understood but the sense lost.
Soul
yeap.
4. New level of understanding /direction of growth
The gates of hell
Heaven and hell are not geographical, they are psychological, they are ur psychology. Heaven and hell are not at the end of ur life, they are here and now.
Every moment, the door opens; every moment u go on wavering between heaven and hell. It is a moment-to-moment question, it is urgent; in a single moment, u can move from hell to heaven, from heaven to hell.
Whenever u act unconsciously, without awareness, u r in hell, whenever u r conscious, you act with full awareness, u r in heaven.
Silence is the door. Inner peace is the door. Love and compassion are the doors.
Soul
I know why. I can see my negative tots of insecurity. I can decide whether I wan to be triggered or not. I chose not to be.
I will continue samyama meditation, the most important one.
5. Key to integration
The journey
Sorrow and suffering and misery - everything has to be taken nonseriously, because the more seriouslt u take them, the more difficult it is to get out of them.
The more nonserious u r, u can pass through suffering, through the dark night, singing a song.
So, why unnecessarily torture yourself? Make this whole journey from here to here just a beautiful laughing matter.
Become religious of out joy, out of the experience of beauty that surrounds u, out of the immense gift of life that God has given to u. Become religious out of gratitude, thankfulness.
When something comes from ur own inner being, it is never broken. But then, it is never a vow, it is a simple phenomenon like breathing.
Power is responsibility
Sept 20
Father, eyes bit blur today. Power has reduced and I m fine lah.
Today, did long time at Samyama. I was trying my best to get into the mode. Suria was effortless and I focus on my breathe, only lost during 12 cycle. During Shambavi, I felt I was in another space.
Father, tot of my issue power is responsibility. We were given freedom and hence power to make any decisions during childhood. But with that power, we were also held responsible for the results. While I am a Queen and use to power, but as a Child, not sure if I am equipped. Perhaps some part of me want to be protected instead of always being responsible for myself. I wanted a husband that protect me but difficult to find cos my persona is masculine energy and part of me valued my freedom too much.
I now see that it was my brother who try to grab power/freedom from me by criticising me mercilessly. So, I have 2 sides.
Father, something there. Guide me.
Now, I think it was not only foolish for my mother to always let's us decide and responsible for ourselves. I think she gave us the childhood she wanted. She is ever ready to be responsible and were not given by grandmother and hence give it to us. On my side...that's why I felt not loved.
My belief of love
Love is responsibility
Since I believed love is responsibility By making me responsible for myself since young, I tot my mom doesn't love me.
That's why I self-protect all these years and I self-love.
No wonder I self-promote cos it was just me giving myself a pat on the back.
Love is hard work
Love is Power
Power is Responsibility
Power is hard work.
I don't equate being given power as being loving. For me it is a burden. That's why I tot mom doesn't love me. That's why I tot God doesn't love me. That's why I tot Love is unattainable
The only reason I hold on to Power is my comfort, love for myself. While Power is hard work, it also gives me the freedom from authority.
So, there is pro and con about power. Mmm, I cannot have my cake and eat. With power, I have freedom. But with power I also have responsibility.
Father, guide me. Not sure where this leads to.
Sept 20 Eve
Just now L contacted me. Then she told me people calling and helping her to plan her trip. I can see my envious feeling came up. I comfort myself that I was powerful, independent and doesn't need help. Then a tot came Power means not lovable.
I just let the envious feeling arise and it went off on its own.
Another tot came. Whenever powerful people are in 'emotionally challenging situation, I noticed I tend not to symphatise with them. I would say they don't need me.
Father, this Power issue is really tricky.
I have attracted a few powerful people who doesn't use their power responsibly. What about me?
Father, eyes bit blur today. Power has reduced and I m fine lah.
Today, did long time at Samyama. I was trying my best to get into the mode. Suria was effortless and I focus on my breathe, only lost during 12 cycle. During Shambavi, I felt I was in another space.
Father, tot of my issue power is responsibility. We were given freedom and hence power to make any decisions during childhood. But with that power, we were also held responsible for the results. While I am a Queen and use to power, but as a Child, not sure if I am equipped. Perhaps some part of me want to be protected instead of always being responsible for myself. I wanted a husband that protect me but difficult to find cos my persona is masculine energy and part of me valued my freedom too much.
I now see that it was my brother who try to grab power/freedom from me by criticising me mercilessly. So, I have 2 sides.
Father, something there. Guide me.
Now, I think it was not only foolish for my mother to always let's us decide and responsible for ourselves. I think she gave us the childhood she wanted. She is ever ready to be responsible and were not given by grandmother and hence give it to us. On my side...that's why I felt not loved.
My belief of love
Love is responsibility
Since I believed love is responsibility By making me responsible for myself since young, I tot my mom doesn't love me.
That's why I self-protect all these years and I self-love.
No wonder I self-promote cos it was just me giving myself a pat on the back.
Love is hard work
Love is Power
Power is Responsibility
Power is hard work.
I don't equate being given power as being loving. For me it is a burden. That's why I tot mom doesn't love me. That's why I tot God doesn't love me. That's why I tot Love is unattainable
The only reason I hold on to Power is my comfort, love for myself. While Power is hard work, it also gives me the freedom from authority.
So, there is pro and con about power. Mmm, I cannot have my cake and eat. With power, I have freedom. But with power I also have responsibility.
Father, guide me. Not sure where this leads to.
Sept 20 Eve
Just now L contacted me. Then she told me people calling and helping her to plan her trip. I can see my envious feeling came up. I comfort myself that I was powerful, independent and doesn't need help. Then a tot came Power means not lovable.
I just let the envious feeling arise and it went off on its own.
Another tot came. Whenever powerful people are in 'emotionally challenging situation, I noticed I tend not to symphatise with them. I would say they don't need me.
Father, this Power issue is really tricky.
I have attracted a few powerful people who doesn't use their power responsibly. What about me?
Saturday, October 16, 2010
True Self (3)
Sept 19 Eve
Today had lunch with my two old friends. They were only keen on mundane matters. I tried to share about my spiritual experiences but they were not keen.
Father, thanks for at least keeping P in my path. I have to admit its true, I can easily let go of relationships.
True Self
Our reactive behaviour pattern is the way that we react when fear comes up. Some of us respond to fear by internalising it (stuffing it) and some of us by externalising it (projecting it onto others)
Inward Reaction Pattern, we try to hide from others or become invisible when we get scared. We don't confront. We internalise our anger. We blame ourselves. We become a victim.
Outward Reaction Pattern, we attack others when fear comes up. We become emotionally or physically intrusive, aggressive or overbearing. We yell, hit, blame and shame. We express our anger without owning it or looking at it. We come a victimiser.
Generally we tend to copy the reactive behaviour pattern of our dominant parent and to attract rship with people who have the opposite behaviour pattern.
Soul
Me, Inward. CEO/M/A is outward. C is Inward.
My dominant emotion
Envious
Hurt
Anxious
Worried
Father, anger and sadness not in? Why?
True Self
Your wound keeps u a victim or a victimiser. And, as we know, all victimisers were victims once.
There is a gift within the True Self that u have come here to give. Unless u find that gift and learn to give it, u will feel that u have wasted ur time in this life. You will have lived without discovering and fulfilling ur life purpose.
Your gift is what u do well without great effort. It comes naturally to u. You enjoy cultivating and giving ur gift and others appreciate receiving it.
Soul
My gift is Intuition, Dialetic can see both pro and cons; Ability to lift the veil and see the core. Connect to the Universe's energy. Able to write my feeling effortlessly.
True Self
When we work towards our strengths, we discover our gift and develop the confidence that we need to give them.
When we know what we are not good at and refrain from doing it, we make room for more appropriate work to come into our lives.
Soul
Good thing I was on d right track since day 1. I always worked on my strength and gets others to do my weakness.
People told me I must face it but it cause me to feel bad, not good enough.
Well, maybe reason for it.
I always sure of what I don't want and not sure of what I want. Thanks for the Intuition that guided me on the right track.
Father, people always use the description "authentic" on me. I guess that its becos I only do what I want. But I admit I am not authentic when my fear of rejection is triggered.
True Self
We have to be faithful to who we are. We have to be authentic and unique. When we make the choice to trust what is true within us, the True Self shines in all its glory and become an instrument of the Divine Will. Now all the chakras line up. Heaven comes to earth. Grace rules and miracle abound.
When the True Self is born, we come into our full empowerment. We are ready to find our gifts and to give them. We are ready to serve.
Soul
I have found my gift and I give whenever I can. I am still not sure on the serving part.
Was reading the stories. Father, why I always think it is me. As a child, I have always decided on what I want to do.
I always have to take care of myself. I recalled that I did resent my parents for not giving us parameters or teaching us protocol so that we can be accepted in the world.
While part of me admire her guts for making me decide if I am ok with the marks m getting, the other part also angry at her for making me responsible for my result, my life at such an early age. How can she expect me to make the right call, why gave me so much power?? She may have given me the power but the power comes with responsibility. It is not free ride.
My dad, I never have any dealings with him.
The only one giving me parameter was my brother who is forever criticising me, supposedly for my own good.
Here I was facing all these challenges, but I have to face it alone and have to weather for others.
I used to think that perhaps they don't love me. They always let me be.
Father, could I have absent father and ambivalent mother and I have a critical brother.
Father, "Power is Responsibility". Father, part of me afraid to fulfill destiny as I am afraid of the responsibility. I have been responsible for myself since I was a child and also take care of others too. Can I take care of so many people, what if I don't have time to take care of myself, my comfort.
Even now, I can see I don't want to giv to M and B as I don't want them to depend on me, I don't want to be responsible for them.
So, how??
Father, I have been responsible at too early an age. My parents let me roam wild. No one take care of me, no one knows what makes me feel loved.
So, I take care of myself by having rich friends/neighbours who gave me the comforts that I want. But of cos, it comes with a price. I have to endure their company. (Soul - suddenly tot this is my rship wit CEO. This is also my rship with my jobs )
From my brother, I gather that I am not good enough to be loved. I always need to be more to be loved.
Power equal responsibility
That's also the reason why I am afraid of too much meditation, too receptive as I don't want to have so much power. Then I can say I cannot give. But the power is coming in and I cannot stop it.
But the part of m not good enough and want to be more that is also pushing me forward. So, one part is going forward due to To be More and the other part, Be Stagnant.
No wonder, Go with the Flow.
Power is Responsibility
Responsibility means I have to take care of others and no one to take care of me.
Responsibility means I won't be loved.
At times, I am resentful for having the power. For power is a curse. Its a punishment. It is self-protection and no one would tot of protecting me.
That's why I am envious of those people whose needs are taken off. They don't have to be responsible. They don't have power, but they are loved.
I was the one who stand up for myself when the incident happen. (Father, where I got the courage, I don't know. But its becos I always have to take care of myself.)
Love is Unattainable for me becos I have power.
And that's why I don't want any more. But I have RA and I want to heal myself.
I felt God gives me the RA motivation to push me.
In a way the RA has also gained me some brownies point and I can seek care and to be a bit of victim.
Perhaps that's why I wasn't upset with having RA. Its only recently when the joints are bad that I tot about it.
That's why I cried whenever I see Sadhguru. My tears were thanks for the power but I cannot use it. I cannot follow u. I can't be a giver like U. My love cannot cover so many people.
True Self
Story
I learned to stay in my heart and feel my feelings. I learned to begin to hold my fear gently and to listen to the anger and sadness of the wounded little girl within me who was afraid to be herself for fear of being rejected.
We are very connected now. She tells me exactly what she feels because she know that I will listen to her.
As I continue to heal and to surrender to the power of love, I am beginning to embody this beautiful Mother energy.
Soul
I wanted to have the loving energy of Vijii and Tamil teacher.
Today had lunch with my two old friends. They were only keen on mundane matters. I tried to share about my spiritual experiences but they were not keen.
Father, thanks for at least keeping P in my path. I have to admit its true, I can easily let go of relationships.
True Self
Our reactive behaviour pattern is the way that we react when fear comes up. Some of us respond to fear by internalising it (stuffing it) and some of us by externalising it (projecting it onto others)
Inward Reaction Pattern, we try to hide from others or become invisible when we get scared. We don't confront. We internalise our anger. We blame ourselves. We become a victim.
Outward Reaction Pattern, we attack others when fear comes up. We become emotionally or physically intrusive, aggressive or overbearing. We yell, hit, blame and shame. We express our anger without owning it or looking at it. We come a victimiser.
Generally we tend to copy the reactive behaviour pattern of our dominant parent and to attract rship with people who have the opposite behaviour pattern.
Soul
Me, Inward. CEO/M/A is outward. C is Inward.
My dominant emotion
Envious
Hurt
Anxious
Worried
Father, anger and sadness not in? Why?
True Self
Your wound keeps u a victim or a victimiser. And, as we know, all victimisers were victims once.
There is a gift within the True Self that u have come here to give. Unless u find that gift and learn to give it, u will feel that u have wasted ur time in this life. You will have lived without discovering and fulfilling ur life purpose.
Your gift is what u do well without great effort. It comes naturally to u. You enjoy cultivating and giving ur gift and others appreciate receiving it.
Soul
My gift is Intuition, Dialetic can see both pro and cons; Ability to lift the veil and see the core. Connect to the Universe's energy. Able to write my feeling effortlessly.
True Self
When we work towards our strengths, we discover our gift and develop the confidence that we need to give them.
When we know what we are not good at and refrain from doing it, we make room for more appropriate work to come into our lives.
Soul
Good thing I was on d right track since day 1. I always worked on my strength and gets others to do my weakness.
People told me I must face it but it cause me to feel bad, not good enough.
Well, maybe reason for it.
I always sure of what I don't want and not sure of what I want. Thanks for the Intuition that guided me on the right track.
Father, people always use the description "authentic" on me. I guess that its becos I only do what I want. But I admit I am not authentic when my fear of rejection is triggered.
True Self
We have to be faithful to who we are. We have to be authentic and unique. When we make the choice to trust what is true within us, the True Self shines in all its glory and become an instrument of the Divine Will. Now all the chakras line up. Heaven comes to earth. Grace rules and miracle abound.
When the True Self is born, we come into our full empowerment. We are ready to find our gifts and to give them. We are ready to serve.
Soul
I have found my gift and I give whenever I can. I am still not sure on the serving part.
Was reading the stories. Father, why I always think it is me. As a child, I have always decided on what I want to do.
I always have to take care of myself. I recalled that I did resent my parents for not giving us parameters or teaching us protocol so that we can be accepted in the world.
While part of me admire her guts for making me decide if I am ok with the marks m getting, the other part also angry at her for making me responsible for my result, my life at such an early age. How can she expect me to make the right call, why gave me so much power?? She may have given me the power but the power comes with responsibility. It is not free ride.
My dad, I never have any dealings with him.
The only one giving me parameter was my brother who is forever criticising me, supposedly for my own good.
Here I was facing all these challenges, but I have to face it alone and have to weather for others.
I used to think that perhaps they don't love me. They always let me be.
Father, could I have absent father and ambivalent mother and I have a critical brother.
Father, "Power is Responsibility". Father, part of me afraid to fulfill destiny as I am afraid of the responsibility. I have been responsible for myself since I was a child and also take care of others too. Can I take care of so many people, what if I don't have time to take care of myself, my comfort.
Even now, I can see I don't want to giv to M and B as I don't want them to depend on me, I don't want to be responsible for them.
So, how??
Father, I have been responsible at too early an age. My parents let me roam wild. No one take care of me, no one knows what makes me feel loved.
So, I take care of myself by having rich friends/neighbours who gave me the comforts that I want. But of cos, it comes with a price. I have to endure their company. (Soul - suddenly tot this is my rship wit CEO. This is also my rship with my jobs )
From my brother, I gather that I am not good enough to be loved. I always need to be more to be loved.
Power equal responsibility
That's also the reason why I am afraid of too much meditation, too receptive as I don't want to have so much power. Then I can say I cannot give. But the power is coming in and I cannot stop it.
But the part of m not good enough and want to be more that is also pushing me forward. So, one part is going forward due to To be More and the other part, Be Stagnant.
No wonder, Go with the Flow.
Power is Responsibility
Responsibility means I have to take care of others and no one to take care of me.
Responsibility means I won't be loved.
At times, I am resentful for having the power. For power is a curse. Its a punishment. It is self-protection and no one would tot of protecting me.
That's why I am envious of those people whose needs are taken off. They don't have to be responsible. They don't have power, but they are loved.
I was the one who stand up for myself when the incident happen. (Father, where I got the courage, I don't know. But its becos I always have to take care of myself.)
Love is Unattainable for me becos I have power.
And that's why I don't want any more. But I have RA and I want to heal myself.
I felt God gives me the RA motivation to push me.
In a way the RA has also gained me some brownies point and I can seek care and to be a bit of victim.
Perhaps that's why I wasn't upset with having RA. Its only recently when the joints are bad that I tot about it.
That's why I cried whenever I see Sadhguru. My tears were thanks for the power but I cannot use it. I cannot follow u. I can't be a giver like U. My love cannot cover so many people.
True Self
Story
I learned to stay in my heart and feel my feelings. I learned to begin to hold my fear gently and to listen to the anger and sadness of the wounded little girl within me who was afraid to be herself for fear of being rejected.
We are very connected now. She tells me exactly what she feels because she know that I will listen to her.
As I continue to heal and to surrender to the power of love, I am beginning to embody this beautiful Mother energy.
Soul
I wanted to have the loving energy of Vijii and Tamil teacher.
True Self (2)
Sept 19
Father, did my morning walk with breathing awareness. I walked slowly. Did tot of C, but I have made my peace. Besides we r not growing any further.
True Self
Neither Shadow nor persona is an accurate representation of who we are. They are both distortions of Self because each conveys only part of us. Only when the two are integrated and the psyche returns to wholeness, do we begin to get a realistic sense of who we are.
The part that we don't want to see or feel is called the Shadow and the part that we accept is called The Persona.
The shadow includes the early childhood experiences that were too traumatic for us to process consciously. It includes all our fears and demons that run our lives at an unconscious level.
The Persona is that aspect of self that we are comfortable with and allow others to see.
Soul
My shadow is my Five of Hearts and my Personality is Ace of Diamond and part of Queen of Diamond. I have faced almost all my shadows. The one thing eluded me was rship due fear of rejection and also money and comfort issue.
I believe love is unattainable and I cannot find a man to give me the comfort that I want. Therefore I earn the money so that I have security to offer the comfort that I want. And now the destiny is even asking me to release money and to me that's means insecurity or no comfort.
What do I associate comfort with? Why is it so important? It brings me pleasure, it makes me feel important, it makes me feel loved and appreciated.
Guess what I meant was that my Inner Love can't buy me comfort. And like LY says to be in spiritual path is to be without comfort.
True Self
We could either try to manifest that belief (confirmatory behaviour) or we will try to prove that it is wrong (compensational behaviour).
We either wear our hurt on our sleeve or we build a mask to cover the inadequacies we perceive in ourselves.
Soul
I seem to do both. At first, I avoid unconsciously and have a brave front of I don't need men and I can earn my comfort. Then when I saw my shadow, I assert myself, thinking I could overcome it, searching for love and got myself into trouble. And now that I finally see my shadow, I consciously avoid as I don't believe I can overcome it and also seeing my shadow shaken my persona and I felt loss of control.
So, now the Power and Courage Card ask me to see it again.
True Self
All masks need to come off if we want to heal. Each of us must take the time to feel our pain and see our self-betrayal. We cannot change our behaviour without seeing the belief on which it is based. And we cannot challenge that belief without seeing the shame and unworthiness behind it.
Soul
Well, I now know the belief arise from my brother criticising me so much, out of love. But how do I move out from there?
True Self.
All of us cling to our mask because we believe that if people really knew the rage, the grief, the fear, the guilt and the shame we carry within, they would reject us. We learn to stuff our emotional wounds into the dark depths of the psyche where we assume no on will go looking.
Those who deal with the root pain will heal. Those who are in denial and don't deal with it, don't heal. Your healing cannot begin until u drop ur mask.
Are u willing to take ur mask off and allow urself to be authentic? Are u willing to be imperfect, vulnerable, human?
Soul
I am, first thing is I want to be authentic to people of authority who has helped me loads. I know somehow despite my gratitude, my show of appreciation is not comparable to my gratitude. I guess I was afraid to be rejected if they can see the depth in me.
Who knows, I may then show my appreciation/attraction to a guy without any fear that they may reject me.
True Self
When we take off our masks, we meet our pain head-on. Unless of course, we are an addict. If we are an addict, we try to compensate the pain or distract ourselves from it, by seeking some kind of pleasure (food, drink, drug, sex, television, internet, making money, work, etc.) But that 'fix' works only temporarily.
Soul
Suddenly a tot came, since I believe love is unattainable, I give myself the comfort and lovely food that I want. That's why I am so attached to comfort. Comforts represent love for me. If I don't earn money, I can't give myself comfort (expensive taste for food) and hence I don't have love.
Father, that's my fix - expensive comfort and also challenging job
1. Expensive comfort
That's why I find it difficult to release the money security issue cos it is the source for my fix.
And this need to hold on to the fix also puts up resistance to my spiritual path, which is my destiny, Self-Mastery (universal love).
Actually RA isn't suffering to me. My suffering would be the loss of comfort. I recall when I was diagnosed with RA, despite being sad, it was countered by the happiness of not having to curtail my comfort (good food).
That's is also why I cried so much when I have to eat the kanji. I guess it is perfect that my spiritual path brought me to India, a country I would never tot of visiting as it represent to me loss of comfort.
2. Challenging job and valuable tasks.
I felt a sense of worthiness when I overcome challenges. Then if no man wants me, at least the company wants me. And if company wants me, my value increase, money and security is intact and I can buy my comfort without fear.
That's why whenever there is no challenge, I run away. And when I finally put a stop to it. I felt loss again and I tot samyama can help me to transcend. Alas it only help me to deepen meditation and nothing more. That's why I was disappointed.
3. Television - romantic drama.
I enjoy what I tot I cannot attain. If cannot attain on my own, at least can imagine loh.
True Self
But ending the addiction is only the first step to recovery.
Soul
I survived the 40 days veg and now wil do the 30 days veg, but I cannot says its ending the addiction. But my attachment to food has lessen considerably.
As for the challenges, I have stopped it and now facing my valueless self.
True Self
True recovery means not only "not using" but coming face to face with the pain behind the addiction. It was this pain that the addict tried to escape by using. Now that he is not using, he has come face to face with his pain or he will not heal the cause of his addiction.
Addiction is a wall that we build between ourselves and our pain.
When we recover from our addiction, we have to learn to take down that wall. If we don't, we will recover from our addiction, but we will not recover from our pain. True healing will not be possible.
Anything that takes us up into our heads and away from our heart can be a tool of denial. We can find new addictions or compulsive activities to replace the old ones. If we don't want to feel our pain, we won't. We will leave the wall standing and keep our pain locked away behind the wall.
Soul
Well, I admit after taking of the Challenges at work, I have replaced it with Korean romantic drama. Today is the first time, I ignored it and read this True Self instead
(Oct 17 - whenever I felt edgy, its because I am feeling uncertainty, not a common feeling and I got scared, normally I would either eat lovely food or read.)
True Self
If we want to heal fully, we have to resist the tendency to build a new mask. We have to be willing to stand there naked, vulnerable, visible, without a mask. Then we can begin to dismantle the wall and look at our pain.
Acknowledging our pain and looking at it is the first step forward on our journey of healing.
Soul
I haven't really done that. This time in Samyama, let me just focus on releasing and forget about attaining. Amen.
Beliefs - I am not worthy of love
I have to be smarter than others to be loved
I am unlovable
I am unattractive
I show up for others, but no one shows up for me.
Love is too scary. I am better off alone.
I am weak or sickly
I am not enough, I have to be more in order to be loved.
Father, did my morning walk with breathing awareness. I walked slowly. Did tot of C, but I have made my peace. Besides we r not growing any further.
True Self
Neither Shadow nor persona is an accurate representation of who we are. They are both distortions of Self because each conveys only part of us. Only when the two are integrated and the psyche returns to wholeness, do we begin to get a realistic sense of who we are.
The part that we don't want to see or feel is called the Shadow and the part that we accept is called The Persona.
The shadow includes the early childhood experiences that were too traumatic for us to process consciously. It includes all our fears and demons that run our lives at an unconscious level.
The Persona is that aspect of self that we are comfortable with and allow others to see.
Soul
My shadow is my Five of Hearts and my Personality is Ace of Diamond and part of Queen of Diamond. I have faced almost all my shadows. The one thing eluded me was rship due fear of rejection and also money and comfort issue.
I believe love is unattainable and I cannot find a man to give me the comfort that I want. Therefore I earn the money so that I have security to offer the comfort that I want. And now the destiny is even asking me to release money and to me that's means insecurity or no comfort.
What do I associate comfort with? Why is it so important? It brings me pleasure, it makes me feel important, it makes me feel loved and appreciated.
Guess what I meant was that my Inner Love can't buy me comfort. And like LY says to be in spiritual path is to be without comfort.
True Self
We could either try to manifest that belief (confirmatory behaviour) or we will try to prove that it is wrong (compensational behaviour).
We either wear our hurt on our sleeve or we build a mask to cover the inadequacies we perceive in ourselves.
Soul
I seem to do both. At first, I avoid unconsciously and have a brave front of I don't need men and I can earn my comfort. Then when I saw my shadow, I assert myself, thinking I could overcome it, searching for love and got myself into trouble. And now that I finally see my shadow, I consciously avoid as I don't believe I can overcome it and also seeing my shadow shaken my persona and I felt loss of control.
So, now the Power and Courage Card ask me to see it again.
True Self
All masks need to come off if we want to heal. Each of us must take the time to feel our pain and see our self-betrayal. We cannot change our behaviour without seeing the belief on which it is based. And we cannot challenge that belief without seeing the shame and unworthiness behind it.
Soul
Well, I now know the belief arise from my brother criticising me so much, out of love. But how do I move out from there?
True Self.
All of us cling to our mask because we believe that if people really knew the rage, the grief, the fear, the guilt and the shame we carry within, they would reject us. We learn to stuff our emotional wounds into the dark depths of the psyche where we assume no on will go looking.
Those who deal with the root pain will heal. Those who are in denial and don't deal with it, don't heal. Your healing cannot begin until u drop ur mask.
Are u willing to take ur mask off and allow urself to be authentic? Are u willing to be imperfect, vulnerable, human?
Soul
I am, first thing is I want to be authentic to people of authority who has helped me loads. I know somehow despite my gratitude, my show of appreciation is not comparable to my gratitude. I guess I was afraid to be rejected if they can see the depth in me.
Who knows, I may then show my appreciation/attraction to a guy without any fear that they may reject me.
True Self
When we take off our masks, we meet our pain head-on. Unless of course, we are an addict. If we are an addict, we try to compensate the pain or distract ourselves from it, by seeking some kind of pleasure (food, drink, drug, sex, television, internet, making money, work, etc.) But that 'fix' works only temporarily.
Soul
Suddenly a tot came, since I believe love is unattainable, I give myself the comfort and lovely food that I want. That's why I am so attached to comfort. Comforts represent love for me. If I don't earn money, I can't give myself comfort (expensive taste for food) and hence I don't have love.
Father, that's my fix - expensive comfort and also challenging job
1. Expensive comfort
That's why I find it difficult to release the money security issue cos it is the source for my fix.
And this need to hold on to the fix also puts up resistance to my spiritual path, which is my destiny, Self-Mastery (universal love).
Actually RA isn't suffering to me. My suffering would be the loss of comfort. I recall when I was diagnosed with RA, despite being sad, it was countered by the happiness of not having to curtail my comfort (good food).
That's is also why I cried so much when I have to eat the kanji. I guess it is perfect that my spiritual path brought me to India, a country I would never tot of visiting as it represent to me loss of comfort.
2. Challenging job and valuable tasks.
I felt a sense of worthiness when I overcome challenges. Then if no man wants me, at least the company wants me. And if company wants me, my value increase, money and security is intact and I can buy my comfort without fear.
That's why whenever there is no challenge, I run away. And when I finally put a stop to it. I felt loss again and I tot samyama can help me to transcend. Alas it only help me to deepen meditation and nothing more. That's why I was disappointed.
3. Television - romantic drama.
I enjoy what I tot I cannot attain. If cannot attain on my own, at least can imagine loh.
True Self
But ending the addiction is only the first step to recovery.
Soul
I survived the 40 days veg and now wil do the 30 days veg, but I cannot says its ending the addiction. But my attachment to food has lessen considerably.
As for the challenges, I have stopped it and now facing my valueless self.
True Self
True recovery means not only "not using" but coming face to face with the pain behind the addiction. It was this pain that the addict tried to escape by using. Now that he is not using, he has come face to face with his pain or he will not heal the cause of his addiction.
Addiction is a wall that we build between ourselves and our pain.
When we recover from our addiction, we have to learn to take down that wall. If we don't, we will recover from our addiction, but we will not recover from our pain. True healing will not be possible.
Anything that takes us up into our heads and away from our heart can be a tool of denial. We can find new addictions or compulsive activities to replace the old ones. If we don't want to feel our pain, we won't. We will leave the wall standing and keep our pain locked away behind the wall.
Soul
Well, I admit after taking of the Challenges at work, I have replaced it with Korean romantic drama. Today is the first time, I ignored it and read this True Self instead
(Oct 17 - whenever I felt edgy, its because I am feeling uncertainty, not a common feeling and I got scared, normally I would either eat lovely food or read.)
True Self
If we want to heal fully, we have to resist the tendency to build a new mask. We have to be willing to stand there naked, vulnerable, visible, without a mask. Then we can begin to dismantle the wall and look at our pain.
Acknowledging our pain and looking at it is the first step forward on our journey of healing.
Soul
I haven't really done that. This time in Samyama, let me just focus on releasing and forget about attaining. Amen.
Beliefs - I am not worthy of love
I have to be smarter than others to be loved
I am unlovable
I am unattractive
I show up for others, but no one shows up for me.
Love is too scary. I am better off alone.
I am weak or sickly
I am not enough, I have to be more in order to be loved.
True Self
Sept 18
Today was my third Soul Sister session. They says I must be happy since I am smiling early in the morning. I noticed that when they shared, two of them keep on looking at me, as if seeking support.
I didn't offer my Insight during the session.
Later they asked me on who is my Guru and which place I am going to in India?
I felt open and hugged them individually and gave my insight to Fl.
I told LY about my RA joints pain and she recommend flower essence. Without looking, I selected "Go with the Flow" - Enjoy the freedom of movement.
And she also recommended me a book; Embracing Our True Self - healin our wounds, finding our Gifts, and fulfilling our spiritual purpose.
This is very timely. God always gave me what I need. Infact just yday I was thinking with my karma, how can I achieved Self Mastery and pursue my Destiny. Well, You always provide. Amen.
Embracing our True Self by Paul Ferrini (True Self)
Core Self is our essence. It is our blueprint. Many of us are not in touch with it. This is because Core Self can be encountered only with unconditional love and acceptance. If we look without love and acceptance, we will not see the Core Self and instead we see the wounded self. The Core Self is overshadowed by the wounded self.
The wounded self grows up with conditional love and lives in a state of fear. It seeks love but cannot find it.
The Core Self cannot be wounded as it is whole and complete.
When we are connected to our Core Self, we are connected to all that is. We live in relationship to our Source. We abide in who we are. The Core Self is our energetic connection to Love. There is just infinite, boundless love.
Soul
This is exactly what I know. I am glad to say I abide 50 percent of the time in my Core Self.
Our Core Self is the resting place of Universal Love. It lives there, breathes there and moves out from there into the World
Soul
My Jupiter Card is Universal Love.
True Self
We know that we are wounded because there is a lot of fear that comes up and we don't know how to hold that fear compassionately. We don't know how to be with our fear or the fear of others.
Soul
This is exactly same msg as the Courage in reverse card that I picked. It says to hold my fear.
True Self
The wounded self is not ultimately real, but if feels very real to us. We identify with our wounds. We feel pain and unworthiness. We attack, defend, build walls between self and other. We push away love because it does not feel safe.
Soul
Exactly. My belief says all.
Love is unattainable
Love is fragile
Love is hard work.
True Self
What is to purpose of the wound? The wound enables us to obtain knowledge of Self, to know the part of God that is us. Once we know the part of God that we are, we can see the God-Self in others.
This is a tool of consciousness. It creates separation and with it understanding of oneness.
We are all wounded, but we do not easily acknowledge the pain that we are carrying. Just as the Core Self is overshadowed by the wounded self, the wounded self is covered over by our persona. We learn to wear a mask that hides our fear, shame and pain. We think that wearing the mask will bring us love and acceptance, but it does not. It just moves us further and further away from our essence.
The wound can and must reveal itself. We cannot heal our wounds until we stop denying them.
Until we acknowledge our pain and take the mask off, we cannot encounter our wound. And until we encounter and heal our wound, we cannot find our Core Self. The process enable us to reclaim our innocence.
Soul
In the Soul Sister 2 session, they all says the saw my innocence. I recalled I cried and felt at ease that I am finally freed of guilt.
True Self
We must throw away our mask and with it the need to diguise or deny our pain. We must have the courage to look our fear, our shame and our heart. We must go willingly into the darkness of our psyche to reclaim the Light. In the process, we will encounter our unworthiness and learn to transform it.
Real healing happens when we have the courage to go where we hurt most. We must go through the tunnel of our pain to see the light that lies beyond it.
If we are courageous enough, we will find the roots of our pain and unhappiness. We will forgives ourselves for the pain we have caused and forgive others for hurting us.
We will wipe the slate clean and start life on a new page. That is when we come face to face with our Core Self. That is when we discover who we are and who we have always been. That is when we give ourselves permission to step into our purpose and manifest the blueprint of our incarnation.
Soul
Suddenly I tot of my attachment to comfort, such as good food and no housework. I used to endure loads as a kid, playing and being with friends, relatives or neighbours that I don't really like, just so that I can have my adopted comforts.
Father, isn't this similar to me being married for money/comfort in previous life.
So, now I stayed my job so that I too can have my comforts.
Following my Destiny means losing my comforts, just like going on spiritual path, means losing my comfort. Both purpose, I am still not willing to take yet.
True Self
The Core Self is always there, but we do not meet the True Self until the False Self dies.
We are the Core Self. We become the True Self
Because it is aligned with the Core Self, the True Self is energy incarnate. It harnesses the kundalini energy and puts it to work in our life.
The Core Self is a noun, an essence, a potential.
The True Self is a verb. It is action, movement and fulfillment.
The Core Self is nurtured by Divine Mother. Her work is all about helping us love and accept ourselves just the way we are ("about Being").
The True Self is the empowered by Divine Father. His work is all about helping us to discover and express our creative gifts ("about Doing").
These two aspects of our Spiritual Nature works together. We need both the masculine and feminine aspect of our divinity. We need to learn to receive love so that we are able to give it.
That re-parenting process is essential to our healing work. To do it, we need the help of both Divine Mother and Divine Father.
Soul
Tot of my Destiny Card - Queen of Diamond (female energy); Plantery Ruling Card - Ace of Diamond (masculine energy). You do have much to accomplish in this lifetime, as if u have been given some special commission by the powers that be.
True Self
For most of our life, our False Self has been attempting to manifest our soul's purpose, but it could not do it. Only the True Self can do that.
When we try to create or express without encountering our essence, all we create is the wound. Every attempt do without being is simply wrong doing. It leads to wrong relationship, wrong livelihood. It merely fuels the collective wound and its seemingly endless cycle of violence and inequality.
Soul
This is exactly what I tot. As long as we have not done our Passion List, we are not sure of what makes us happy. And we are forever in a journey without destination, or even wrong destination. We need to have the destination because we have so much fear (politic mind) that we tend to avoid unhappiness rather than pursue happiness.
True Self
None of this shifts until we come face to face with the Core Self. When we meet the Core Self, we align with it, and everything we do is congruent with it. As a result, we spontaneously honor self and other. This leads to right action, right livelihood, right relationship.
All doing must dissolve into being. There it finds it purpose. Then it can go forth and act in alignment with that purpose. That is how we learn to live in harmony with who we are.
Soul
You came to affirm what I was thinking about this last 2 mth. Amen.
Today was my third Soul Sister session. They says I must be happy since I am smiling early in the morning. I noticed that when they shared, two of them keep on looking at me, as if seeking support.
I didn't offer my Insight during the session.
Later they asked me on who is my Guru and which place I am going to in India?
I felt open and hugged them individually and gave my insight to Fl.
I told LY about my RA joints pain and she recommend flower essence. Without looking, I selected "Go with the Flow" - Enjoy the freedom of movement.
And she also recommended me a book; Embracing Our True Self - healin our wounds, finding our Gifts, and fulfilling our spiritual purpose.
This is very timely. God always gave me what I need. Infact just yday I was thinking with my karma, how can I achieved Self Mastery and pursue my Destiny. Well, You always provide. Amen.
Embracing our True Self by Paul Ferrini (True Self)
Core Self is our essence. It is our blueprint. Many of us are not in touch with it. This is because Core Self can be encountered only with unconditional love and acceptance. If we look without love and acceptance, we will not see the Core Self and instead we see the wounded self. The Core Self is overshadowed by the wounded self.
The wounded self grows up with conditional love and lives in a state of fear. It seeks love but cannot find it.
The Core Self cannot be wounded as it is whole and complete.
When we are connected to our Core Self, we are connected to all that is. We live in relationship to our Source. We abide in who we are. The Core Self is our energetic connection to Love. There is just infinite, boundless love.
Soul
This is exactly what I know. I am glad to say I abide 50 percent of the time in my Core Self.
Our Core Self is the resting place of Universal Love. It lives there, breathes there and moves out from there into the World
Soul
My Jupiter Card is Universal Love.
True Self
We know that we are wounded because there is a lot of fear that comes up and we don't know how to hold that fear compassionately. We don't know how to be with our fear or the fear of others.
Soul
This is exactly same msg as the Courage in reverse card that I picked. It says to hold my fear.
True Self
The wounded self is not ultimately real, but if feels very real to us. We identify with our wounds. We feel pain and unworthiness. We attack, defend, build walls between self and other. We push away love because it does not feel safe.
Soul
Exactly. My belief says all.
Love is unattainable
Love is fragile
Love is hard work.
True Self
What is to purpose of the wound? The wound enables us to obtain knowledge of Self, to know the part of God that is us. Once we know the part of God that we are, we can see the God-Self in others.
This is a tool of consciousness. It creates separation and with it understanding of oneness.
We are all wounded, but we do not easily acknowledge the pain that we are carrying. Just as the Core Self is overshadowed by the wounded self, the wounded self is covered over by our persona. We learn to wear a mask that hides our fear, shame and pain. We think that wearing the mask will bring us love and acceptance, but it does not. It just moves us further and further away from our essence.
The wound can and must reveal itself. We cannot heal our wounds until we stop denying them.
Until we acknowledge our pain and take the mask off, we cannot encounter our wound. And until we encounter and heal our wound, we cannot find our Core Self. The process enable us to reclaim our innocence.
Soul
In the Soul Sister 2 session, they all says the saw my innocence. I recalled I cried and felt at ease that I am finally freed of guilt.
True Self
We must throw away our mask and with it the need to diguise or deny our pain. We must have the courage to look our fear, our shame and our heart. We must go willingly into the darkness of our psyche to reclaim the Light. In the process, we will encounter our unworthiness and learn to transform it.
Real healing happens when we have the courage to go where we hurt most. We must go through the tunnel of our pain to see the light that lies beyond it.
If we are courageous enough, we will find the roots of our pain and unhappiness. We will forgives ourselves for the pain we have caused and forgive others for hurting us.
We will wipe the slate clean and start life on a new page. That is when we come face to face with our Core Self. That is when we discover who we are and who we have always been. That is when we give ourselves permission to step into our purpose and manifest the blueprint of our incarnation.
Soul
Suddenly I tot of my attachment to comfort, such as good food and no housework. I used to endure loads as a kid, playing and being with friends, relatives or neighbours that I don't really like, just so that I can have my adopted comforts.
Father, isn't this similar to me being married for money/comfort in previous life.
So, now I stayed my job so that I too can have my comforts.
Following my Destiny means losing my comforts, just like going on spiritual path, means losing my comfort. Both purpose, I am still not willing to take yet.
True Self
The Core Self is always there, but we do not meet the True Self until the False Self dies.
We are the Core Self. We become the True Self
Because it is aligned with the Core Self, the True Self is energy incarnate. It harnesses the kundalini energy and puts it to work in our life.
The Core Self is a noun, an essence, a potential.
The True Self is a verb. It is action, movement and fulfillment.
The Core Self is nurtured by Divine Mother. Her work is all about helping us love and accept ourselves just the way we are ("about Being").
The True Self is the empowered by Divine Father. His work is all about helping us to discover and express our creative gifts ("about Doing").
These two aspects of our Spiritual Nature works together. We need both the masculine and feminine aspect of our divinity. We need to learn to receive love so that we are able to give it.
That re-parenting process is essential to our healing work. To do it, we need the help of both Divine Mother and Divine Father.
Soul
Tot of my Destiny Card - Queen of Diamond (female energy); Plantery Ruling Card - Ace of Diamond (masculine energy). You do have much to accomplish in this lifetime, as if u have been given some special commission by the powers that be.
True Self
For most of our life, our False Self has been attempting to manifest our soul's purpose, but it could not do it. Only the True Self can do that.
When we try to create or express without encountering our essence, all we create is the wound. Every attempt do without being is simply wrong doing. It leads to wrong relationship, wrong livelihood. It merely fuels the collective wound and its seemingly endless cycle of violence and inequality.
Soul
This is exactly what I tot. As long as we have not done our Passion List, we are not sure of what makes us happy. And we are forever in a journey without destination, or even wrong destination. We need to have the destination because we have so much fear (politic mind) that we tend to avoid unhappiness rather than pursue happiness.
True Self
None of this shifts until we come face to face with the Core Self. When we meet the Core Self, we align with it, and everything we do is congruent with it. As a result, we spontaneously honor self and other. This leads to right action, right livelihood, right relationship.
All doing must dissolve into being. There it finds it purpose. Then it can go forth and act in alignment with that purpose. That is how we learn to live in harmony with who we are.
Soul
You came to affirm what I was thinking about this last 2 mth. Amen.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Suffering is blessing (4)
Sept 17
Father, thank U. Suria was effortless but tots came in and I was lost a bit. Breathing meditation is amazing. I have never felt such peace. I just watched the breathe and it operate and later as if the breathe was operating me. It is not a fluke. So far, has been like that since the last IE. It didn't die down like Shambavi's sweetness. But on the other hand, m now doing bit of dancing/singing with Shambavi.
Tots did come in Shambavi. I was aware and didn't follow.
Father, something is growing within me. Guess Venus period and I am feeling bit edgy and mind is workin overtime but m fine.
Evening
Did my first samyama meditation. It was good for a first timer and its definitely better than shakti and shambavi, even shoonya. I felt such contentment and peace. It was a depth that I didn't know exist.
(Oct 15 _ what i was doing was breathing meditation. It was so good that I had mistaken it for samyama)
Osho - Nanak
Austerity is meant for knowing that one's life and consciousness is beyond the body and the mind. He who this raises himself above the mind and body invariably finds the door to beatitude opened wide for him.
Everything is already present within you. All u need is the proper art of putting them together well. This putting together is what is know as self-restraint. You have everything within u, but u have never put them together with the proper system, proper tuning and music. They all lie inert within u.
Soul
Thanks to Sadhguru and Osho and 7thunder. Everything is coming together. Also much thanks to Vijii and Tamil teacher for showing me their loving presence, something that I want for myself too.
Osho - nanak
Master thief told his son
The old experience never come of use. Use ur intelligence and u land urself in trouble. Rely on ur intuition and u succeed.
The art of meditation is like house-breaking - u need as much awareness. Intelligence should be put aside and awareness should come into play.
Wherever there is suffering in life, take it as an exercise in austerity. Accept ur suffering fully and openly and be resolute. When u fall in, accept the illness. Do not fight against it. Then u will find that not only does the body get well, but also the mind attains a new kind of health.
Feeling is the crucible into which the nectar falls
Nanak specifies not thoughts but feeling. Feeling is the consciousness beyond ur tots. Thoughts flow in ur mind; emotion is the force of the heart. Feeling is not logic; it is love and so it is within the heart. It is a state of intensity, ecstasy, exhilaration.
When u r emotional, u r unified with the depth of the universe. Thoughts are ur most superficial layer, like the outer fencing of ur house. It is not even part of the house, only an outer limit to keep away outsiders. This is not u. You are ur emotions.
But we have become frightened of our emotions. Gradually we have clogged our emotions, if not cut them off completely. We don't listen to our hearts at all. We heed only the intellect and act according to our reasoning.
And where does ur intellect takes u? It is the shallowest thing within u, so it guides u only towards superficial things. That is why u r out to amass wealth - u gather all the trash - and why u r so concerned about ur honour and position.
Stand a little away from ur tots and drown ur feelings.
To awaken the emotions is to know that the world is full of consciousness. Whatever is seen does not end there; there is much more within, deep within. Emotion means the universe has an individuality, a soul.
Everywhere there is sensitivy. Man alone has lost his sensitivity and his emotions; therefore the world is so sad or gloomy. Without gaiety or mirth, it seems a useless place. As soon as ur emotions awakens, the world become transformed.
Begin to use ur heart gradually - and it can only be done gradually. Put aside ur tots for a while and bring in feeling. Sit near a flower, look at the flower without thinking it a rose or gladiolus. There is an invisible beauty around every flower. Just sit silently beside the flower and be a witness to it.
Soon u will discover that the process that has now started within ur heart has stopped the process of tots within ur mind. This is because energy can work only in one direction. The thrill u feel in ur heart, only u shall know. It is like a mute eating a candy, how can he tell the taste to others?
You have only to feel. You need not think about what is happening. Whatever is happening, let it happen, allow ur heart to thrill with ecstasy. You will soon discover a movement starting within ur heart as if a new mechanism that had been lying dormant has begun to function. A new melody now begins to play in ur life. Your life center changes and it is on this new center that nectar pours.
Soul
I think I am on the right track, thanks to Father. Amen.
Father, thank U. Suria was effortless but tots came in and I was lost a bit. Breathing meditation is amazing. I have never felt such peace. I just watched the breathe and it operate and later as if the breathe was operating me. It is not a fluke. So far, has been like that since the last IE. It didn't die down like Shambavi's sweetness. But on the other hand, m now doing bit of dancing/singing with Shambavi.
Tots did come in Shambavi. I was aware and didn't follow.
Father, something is growing within me. Guess Venus period and I am feeling bit edgy and mind is workin overtime but m fine.
Evening
Did my first samyama meditation. It was good for a first timer and its definitely better than shakti and shambavi, even shoonya. I felt such contentment and peace. It was a depth that I didn't know exist.
(Oct 15 _ what i was doing was breathing meditation. It was so good that I had mistaken it for samyama)
Osho - Nanak
Austerity is meant for knowing that one's life and consciousness is beyond the body and the mind. He who this raises himself above the mind and body invariably finds the door to beatitude opened wide for him.
Everything is already present within you. All u need is the proper art of putting them together well. This putting together is what is know as self-restraint. You have everything within u, but u have never put them together with the proper system, proper tuning and music. They all lie inert within u.
Soul
Thanks to Sadhguru and Osho and 7thunder. Everything is coming together. Also much thanks to Vijii and Tamil teacher for showing me their loving presence, something that I want for myself too.
Osho - nanak
Master thief told his son
The old experience never come of use. Use ur intelligence and u land urself in trouble. Rely on ur intuition and u succeed.
The art of meditation is like house-breaking - u need as much awareness. Intelligence should be put aside and awareness should come into play.
Wherever there is suffering in life, take it as an exercise in austerity. Accept ur suffering fully and openly and be resolute. When u fall in, accept the illness. Do not fight against it. Then u will find that not only does the body get well, but also the mind attains a new kind of health.
Feeling is the crucible into which the nectar falls
Nanak specifies not thoughts but feeling. Feeling is the consciousness beyond ur tots. Thoughts flow in ur mind; emotion is the force of the heart. Feeling is not logic; it is love and so it is within the heart. It is a state of intensity, ecstasy, exhilaration.
When u r emotional, u r unified with the depth of the universe. Thoughts are ur most superficial layer, like the outer fencing of ur house. It is not even part of the house, only an outer limit to keep away outsiders. This is not u. You are ur emotions.
But we have become frightened of our emotions. Gradually we have clogged our emotions, if not cut them off completely. We don't listen to our hearts at all. We heed only the intellect and act according to our reasoning.
And where does ur intellect takes u? It is the shallowest thing within u, so it guides u only towards superficial things. That is why u r out to amass wealth - u gather all the trash - and why u r so concerned about ur honour and position.
Stand a little away from ur tots and drown ur feelings.
To awaken the emotions is to know that the world is full of consciousness. Whatever is seen does not end there; there is much more within, deep within. Emotion means the universe has an individuality, a soul.
Everywhere there is sensitivy. Man alone has lost his sensitivity and his emotions; therefore the world is so sad or gloomy. Without gaiety or mirth, it seems a useless place. As soon as ur emotions awakens, the world become transformed.
Begin to use ur heart gradually - and it can only be done gradually. Put aside ur tots for a while and bring in feeling. Sit near a flower, look at the flower without thinking it a rose or gladiolus. There is an invisible beauty around every flower. Just sit silently beside the flower and be a witness to it.
Soon u will discover that the process that has now started within ur heart has stopped the process of tots within ur mind. This is because energy can work only in one direction. The thrill u feel in ur heart, only u shall know. It is like a mute eating a candy, how can he tell the taste to others?
You have only to feel. You need not think about what is happening. Whatever is happening, let it happen, allow ur heart to thrill with ecstasy. You will soon discover a movement starting within ur heart as if a new mechanism that had been lying dormant has begun to function. A new melody now begins to play in ur life. Your life center changes and it is on this new center that nectar pours.
Soul
I think I am on the right track, thanks to Father. Amen.
Expressing my fear (3)
Sept 16 evening
Father, its true.
I send d sms but rejected. I send email no reply. Father, why I send becos I was doing it for me. Alas no reply I felt rejected.
But I am able to see this rejection and tot why do I see it as rejection. He got hundreds of email and if I were him I only respond to those wit queries or issues. So, its not me. Nothing with me. I just wan to practice expressing my feeling and not worry about reciprocity
Amen
Just now email came and I hope it was from him. Father, really have abandoning issue. But the good thing is I am smiling and seeing it. Amen.
(Oct 15 - Finally 1 week later, i received the rejected email. Looks like it didn't get through. As for him not responding to my goodbye, it was because he was concerned about the guy who is teaching IE without authority and now has negative physical outcome.)
Father, its true.
I send d sms but rejected. I send email no reply. Father, why I send becos I was doing it for me. Alas no reply I felt rejected.
But I am able to see this rejection and tot why do I see it as rejection. He got hundreds of email and if I were him I only respond to those wit queries or issues. So, its not me. Nothing with me. I just wan to practice expressing my feeling and not worry about reciprocity
Amen
Just now email came and I hope it was from him. Father, really have abandoning issue. But the good thing is I am smiling and seeing it. Amen.
(Oct 15 - Finally 1 week later, i received the rejected email. Looks like it didn't get through. As for him not responding to my goodbye, it was because he was concerned about the guy who is teaching IE without authority and now has negative physical outcome.)
Fear is an opportunity
Sept 16
Father, I want to get the root of my fear to express my emotion, both love and anger.
My Mercury is Five of Heart.
I just want to be my Natural Self.
In the end all my search, my dream of Self-Mastery is just so that I cannot get hurt.
(Oct 15 - I now know what i desire is love and money)
Five of Heart
Their path in relationship is spiritual. That means that success will only be found through developing faith and trust and letting go of personal attachments that are rooted in fear or anger.
Soul
Wow! Looks like either way its spiritually inclined. Let jus focus on Self Mastery and the rest will be taken care of.
Osho-Nanak
Just develop the ability to endure, then every situation that is aggressive, that shakes u up will make u all the stronger.
Make life an adventure. Don't run away from where u think the blows will fall. He who flees is defeated already; he has not accepted the challenge. Don't be a coward or a deserter but stand up to the challenges of life!
Struggle and friction is necessary for the flower to burn, because that is its food. When there is friction in life, the flash of knowledge appears; so don't run away from any situation in life. Stop; go through it. That gives u maturity and wisdom, and only that gives rise to understanding. Don't run away from it. Make use of all the doors that life has opened for u.
You have always run when there is fear. How will u progress? Fear is an opportunity. The basic fear is that u might not exist! And if u r not prepared to annihilate yourself, how can God happen within u.
The other possibility with fear is surrender. Do not turn your eyes away from u fear. The day u encounter ur fear with open eyes, u will see fear disappear into oblivion.
All fears of life flee in this manner if u face them in full awareness.
Don't be afraid of it, because the more u flee from danger, the more u fear it; ur life's austerity and fire will dwindle to that extent. When there is fear, accept the challenge, and enter into it.
The further u penetrate the fear, the more fearless u become; the more u run away from it, the more fearful u will become.
Soul
Aiyoh. Asking me to stay put on rship issue.
Father, I want to get the root of my fear to express my emotion, both love and anger.
My Mercury is Five of Heart.
I just want to be my Natural Self.
In the end all my search, my dream of Self-Mastery is just so that I cannot get hurt.
(Oct 15 - I now know what i desire is love and money)
Five of Heart
Their path in relationship is spiritual. That means that success will only be found through developing faith and trust and letting go of personal attachments that are rooted in fear or anger.
Soul
Wow! Looks like either way its spiritually inclined. Let jus focus on Self Mastery and the rest will be taken care of.
Osho-Nanak
Just develop the ability to endure, then every situation that is aggressive, that shakes u up will make u all the stronger.
Make life an adventure. Don't run away from where u think the blows will fall. He who flees is defeated already; he has not accepted the challenge. Don't be a coward or a deserter but stand up to the challenges of life!
Struggle and friction is necessary for the flower to burn, because that is its food. When there is friction in life, the flash of knowledge appears; so don't run away from any situation in life. Stop; go through it. That gives u maturity and wisdom, and only that gives rise to understanding. Don't run away from it. Make use of all the doors that life has opened for u.
You have always run when there is fear. How will u progress? Fear is an opportunity. The basic fear is that u might not exist! And if u r not prepared to annihilate yourself, how can God happen within u.
The other possibility with fear is surrender. Do not turn your eyes away from u fear. The day u encounter ur fear with open eyes, u will see fear disappear into oblivion.
All fears of life flee in this manner if u face them in full awareness.
Don't be afraid of it, because the more u flee from danger, the more u fear it; ur life's austerity and fire will dwindle to that extent. When there is fear, accept the challenge, and enter into it.
The further u penetrate the fear, the more fearless u become; the more u run away from it, the more fearful u will become.
Soul
Aiyoh. Asking me to stay put on rship issue.
Expressing my fear (2)
Sept 15 Eve
Father, was an amazing sathsang. There were 100 meditators instead of the usual 17 persons.
Was crying non-stop during the pre-sathsang songs. Really not sure why.
During shambavi, felt a twinge of sweetness and a depth of calmness.
During the special meditation, can sense the flow of energy on my palm, felt like a thick batch of wind/molecules. And when I bring my palms back to my navel, the energy erupted and I felt such joy and was laughing non-stop (despite me desperate to take a leak). Amazing.
Saying all that, while I am happy and also bit proud, I am not as appreciative of it becos the day to day living is what matters. Just like my 8 days of laughter, dancing and singing in samyama. No change. Hey. There is a change. Father, why am I not appreciative of my receptivity. To people, they consider is success. But to me, this is not my effort, nothing to do with me. So, I don't take credit for it.
I also slightly ignored the teacher. Just like I ignored Sadhguru. Why??? I am truly appreciative of them and they are in my prayer. I invite them into my inner space. But outer space, I don't acknowledge them.
Mmm, is this something to do with my INTP's behaviour of not giving affirmation when it is due. Now that I realised, I think teacher is waiting for me to say something nice to him. I didn't, firstly, there were so many people and besides they can fawn over him. I bow to no one.
Father, why can't I express how I feel inside?
If I can't express it to the gurus, how can I express it to my partner.
I need help in expressing myself. I am afraid to show my feeling, afraid of being rejected since they got tons of fan, one less of me has no impact. An alternative tot came. But what matters is not their response, it is my expression that I should take care.
Well, the moment is pass. I hope to take this samyama and show Sadhguru what he meant to me. Guess it always been my tears of regret of not able to show him my thankfulness and my immense gratitude for his grace. So, let's start with Sadhguru. Let me show him how much I love him, my guru. How much I am devoted to him, how much I am receptive to his energy, to his tots, his guidance.
Father, guide me. I want to show the natural me.
Success is not recognised by me.
Father, its becos I don't acknowledge the success and hence unable to show appreciation. For other, its major and they would have shown their devotion.
Father, my Inner Criticism is strong.
Now, perhaps this is the reason why I don't show my appreciation outwardly.
Father, my right elbow seems to have recovered slightly but I just twisted my left wrist. Aiyoh. One after the other. When will the pain end? A tot came, be patient, suffering is blessing must be hold true by me.
I am glad I overcome my resistance and photocopy the 7thunder for LK as she is going to do BSP.
A tot came on showing appreciation. Take a cue from how the rest of people are behaving when they like their guru. Yea, the rest of meditators are fawning over him.
Well, m not comfortable but I have to do necessary.
Showing and behaving like the rest is my lesson.
Osho - Nanak
Real knowledge carries an impact; it is born out of life's experience, the friction of life. When u take a jump into existence, knowledge is born - not through scriptures and words. Experience is a blow, so we try to avoid it to save ourselves.
No one can awakens in this world without a blow; u have placed shock absorbers all around u so u r safe. Nothing can affect u.
The sage attain knowledge by the impact of events and u use the very impact as a shock absorber. You take great care to protect ur ego, the very thing that need to break.
Father, was an amazing sathsang. There were 100 meditators instead of the usual 17 persons.
Was crying non-stop during the pre-sathsang songs. Really not sure why.
During shambavi, felt a twinge of sweetness and a depth of calmness.
During the special meditation, can sense the flow of energy on my palm, felt like a thick batch of wind/molecules. And when I bring my palms back to my navel, the energy erupted and I felt such joy and was laughing non-stop (despite me desperate to take a leak). Amazing.
Saying all that, while I am happy and also bit proud, I am not as appreciative of it becos the day to day living is what matters. Just like my 8 days of laughter, dancing and singing in samyama. No change. Hey. There is a change. Father, why am I not appreciative of my receptivity. To people, they consider is success. But to me, this is not my effort, nothing to do with me. So, I don't take credit for it.
I also slightly ignored the teacher. Just like I ignored Sadhguru. Why??? I am truly appreciative of them and they are in my prayer. I invite them into my inner space. But outer space, I don't acknowledge them.
Mmm, is this something to do with my INTP's behaviour of not giving affirmation when it is due. Now that I realised, I think teacher is waiting for me to say something nice to him. I didn't, firstly, there were so many people and besides they can fawn over him. I bow to no one.
Father, why can't I express how I feel inside?
If I can't express it to the gurus, how can I express it to my partner.
I need help in expressing myself. I am afraid to show my feeling, afraid of being rejected since they got tons of fan, one less of me has no impact. An alternative tot came. But what matters is not their response, it is my expression that I should take care.
Well, the moment is pass. I hope to take this samyama and show Sadhguru what he meant to me. Guess it always been my tears of regret of not able to show him my thankfulness and my immense gratitude for his grace. So, let's start with Sadhguru. Let me show him how much I love him, my guru. How much I am devoted to him, how much I am receptive to his energy, to his tots, his guidance.
Father, guide me. I want to show the natural me.
Success is not recognised by me.
Father, its becos I don't acknowledge the success and hence unable to show appreciation. For other, its major and they would have shown their devotion.
Father, my Inner Criticism is strong.
Now, perhaps this is the reason why I don't show my appreciation outwardly.
Father, my right elbow seems to have recovered slightly but I just twisted my left wrist. Aiyoh. One after the other. When will the pain end? A tot came, be patient, suffering is blessing must be hold true by me.
I am glad I overcome my resistance and photocopy the 7thunder for LK as she is going to do BSP.
A tot came on showing appreciation. Take a cue from how the rest of people are behaving when they like their guru. Yea, the rest of meditators are fawning over him.
Well, m not comfortable but I have to do necessary.
Showing and behaving like the rest is my lesson.
Osho - Nanak
Real knowledge carries an impact; it is born out of life's experience, the friction of life. When u take a jump into existence, knowledge is born - not through scriptures and words. Experience is a blow, so we try to avoid it to save ourselves.
No one can awakens in this world without a blow; u have placed shock absorbers all around u so u r safe. Nothing can affect u.
The sage attain knowledge by the impact of events and u use the very impact as a shock absorber. You take great care to protect ur ego, the very thing that need to break.
Expressing my fear
Sept 15
Father, today Suria Namaskara was effortless. I was not even tired at 12 cycle. Amazing. Then breathing meditation. Me jus being aware of it and then it happen, breathing in deep and slow happens on its own. I have experienced it yday and tot it was a fluke. It is not. When I give attention to my breathe, it shows me back.
Surprisingly the nightly laughing has stopped. And even during Shakti, I also learnt to contain. Mmmm, let the old one go and make room for new one.
Today is tamil teacher sathsang. I am looking forward to the big group of people and also the teacher. I was enthralled by Vijii's lovingness and the Tamil teacher also has it.
Heal Ur Life
If people are not treating you the way u would like to be treated, then there is a pattern in ur consciousness that is attracting such behaviour. Look around and bless everyone u work for and with.
Soul
Father, m bit disturbed about the rship between S and W. Both also important to me. S said that he is only staying becos of me. So, foresee he will go next year. W will also leave next year as she says 2 years here. Guess I am afraid that my newly found stability and ease of life may go off.
I tot I have reduced their issue but looks like I did not and it is now a deadlock that they cannot even be civil with each other.
I know S has the issue on being misunderstood and attacked by people. How abt W? It is just insecurity or its the part of King in S that W cannot stand. Will check on their rship.
On M, another Queen of Diamond. I am still flabbergasted on how someone can buy 5 blouses without meeting the person. Firstly, I tot its to view and not to buy. And if she buy, tot she would buy just one, but she buy 5. Today will speak to her. Hope she is fine, but most likely not. And these days m secured enough not to let rumours triggered me. (Spoke to her and she was fine. She admitted that she should not have bought first. I bought 2 instead. win win)
Father, when I saw the politic card, I tot why come back. And here this week, mind is working overtime.
For the first time, I am insecure that my staff leave. Previously m not bothered as I would do it but now I am no longer willing. I guess that's also the reason for my issue with GM. When she doesn't do her part, her dept in shamble and we lost control.
Father, I never felt insecurity in job, never tot of sticking to comfort zone.
Guess my fear is that if the easy life is off, then I may have to quit due to health. And that's even compound the insecurity.
I am worried for future. Not appreciating my present. What's the positive here? At least now I am thinking of ease of life and stability, something not in my radar before.
Mmm, suddenly tot of W and S. I have always act as a meditator at office. Tot of making this professional. Instead of seeing the situation between W and S negatively. See it as a tool for me to learn.
When I got to this job, I told myself no more mediation between peers/boss. And here I get on my staff.
Father, I do hav issue expressing my feelings to others. My feelings is deep and I fear people cannot relate and would shun me.
I have issue in acknowledging and express my emotion. So I have difficulty in meeting other emotional needs too.
Mmm, I got Nine of Spade today. Father, I m feeling more of my Queen of Diamond (inner)year spread as compared to my Ruling card (outer). Outer things r fine and stable, but inner I know m not at ease.
Tell me, guide me.
52 days - Three of Spade
It represents indecision, fear and physical stress.
Father, today Suria Namaskara was effortless. I was not even tired at 12 cycle. Amazing. Then breathing meditation. Me jus being aware of it and then it happen, breathing in deep and slow happens on its own. I have experienced it yday and tot it was a fluke. It is not. When I give attention to my breathe, it shows me back.
Surprisingly the nightly laughing has stopped. And even during Shakti, I also learnt to contain. Mmmm, let the old one go and make room for new one.
Today is tamil teacher sathsang. I am looking forward to the big group of people and also the teacher. I was enthralled by Vijii's lovingness and the Tamil teacher also has it.
Heal Ur Life
If people are not treating you the way u would like to be treated, then there is a pattern in ur consciousness that is attracting such behaviour. Look around and bless everyone u work for and with.
Soul
Father, m bit disturbed about the rship between S and W. Both also important to me. S said that he is only staying becos of me. So, foresee he will go next year. W will also leave next year as she says 2 years here. Guess I am afraid that my newly found stability and ease of life may go off.
I tot I have reduced their issue but looks like I did not and it is now a deadlock that they cannot even be civil with each other.
I know S has the issue on being misunderstood and attacked by people. How abt W? It is just insecurity or its the part of King in S that W cannot stand. Will check on their rship.
On M, another Queen of Diamond. I am still flabbergasted on how someone can buy 5 blouses without meeting the person. Firstly, I tot its to view and not to buy. And if she buy, tot she would buy just one, but she buy 5. Today will speak to her. Hope she is fine, but most likely not. And these days m secured enough not to let rumours triggered me. (Spoke to her and she was fine. She admitted that she should not have bought first. I bought 2 instead. win win)
Father, when I saw the politic card, I tot why come back. And here this week, mind is working overtime.
For the first time, I am insecure that my staff leave. Previously m not bothered as I would do it but now I am no longer willing. I guess that's also the reason for my issue with GM. When she doesn't do her part, her dept in shamble and we lost control.
Father, I never felt insecurity in job, never tot of sticking to comfort zone.
Guess my fear is that if the easy life is off, then I may have to quit due to health. And that's even compound the insecurity.
I am worried for future. Not appreciating my present. What's the positive here? At least now I am thinking of ease of life and stability, something not in my radar before.
Mmm, suddenly tot of W and S. I have always act as a meditator at office. Tot of making this professional. Instead of seeing the situation between W and S negatively. See it as a tool for me to learn.
When I got to this job, I told myself no more mediation between peers/boss. And here I get on my staff.
Father, I do hav issue expressing my feelings to others. My feelings is deep and I fear people cannot relate and would shun me.
I have issue in acknowledging and express my emotion. So I have difficulty in meeting other emotional needs too.
Mmm, I got Nine of Spade today. Father, I m feeling more of my Queen of Diamond (inner)year spread as compared to my Ruling card (outer). Outer things r fine and stable, but inner I know m not at ease.
Tell me, guide me.
52 days - Three of Spade
It represents indecision, fear and physical stress.
Suffering is blessing (3)
Sept 14 Eve
Father, shakti is fine, not great. But the deep breathing is now effortless. My focus is 30percent more than my norm. Guess that's why I have to go Samyama refresher.
Father, my left foot is painful but I continue with shakti.
Osho - Nanak
When gold is thrown into the furnace, one has to exercise great patience. He who is impatient fails; he who is patient is successful. If u hurry, become impatient, it means u have not accepted suffering and are eager to be done with it. You do not know that as u suffer u r being cleansed and purified and absolved from all that is worthless and useless. You have not recognised suffering as a friend yet.
He who recognised suffering as a friend is in no hurry. He can maintained his patience, and God is attained only through patience - infinite patience. To attain God is not a paltry thing to be instantly attained. The process is like planting a seed and the seed remains under the soil for years before it sprout.
Remember the equation:
The quicker attained, the earlier lost. The more patiently u observe, the earlier u attain.
Because the more patient u r, the deeper inside u go.
The more u rush, the later u attain and u r the cause of the delay. Impatience is a sign of childishness.
He who wishes to reap the harvest of the infinite must sow and toil in the field of God. Let eons pass but never complain.
Soul
Father, thank U for motivation. I have always believed suffering is blessing and now I am given the strength to see thru my pain that has resulted from being unconscious. I realised I had no parameter at work. Guess that's what S represents to me.
Father, shakti is fine, not great. But the deep breathing is now effortless. My focus is 30percent more than my norm. Guess that's why I have to go Samyama refresher.
Father, my left foot is painful but I continue with shakti.
Osho - Nanak
When gold is thrown into the furnace, one has to exercise great patience. He who is impatient fails; he who is patient is successful. If u hurry, become impatient, it means u have not accepted suffering and are eager to be done with it. You do not know that as u suffer u r being cleansed and purified and absolved from all that is worthless and useless. You have not recognised suffering as a friend yet.
He who recognised suffering as a friend is in no hurry. He can maintained his patience, and God is attained only through patience - infinite patience. To attain God is not a paltry thing to be instantly attained. The process is like planting a seed and the seed remains under the soil for years before it sprout.
Remember the equation:
The quicker attained, the earlier lost. The more patiently u observe, the earlier u attain.
Because the more patient u r, the deeper inside u go.
The more u rush, the later u attain and u r the cause of the delay. Impatience is a sign of childishness.
He who wishes to reap the harvest of the infinite must sow and toil in the field of God. Let eons pass but never complain.
Soul
Father, thank U for motivation. I have always believed suffering is blessing and now I am given the strength to see thru my pain that has resulted from being unconscious. I realised I had no parameter at work. Guess that's what S represents to me.
Meditation manage ur mind (2)
Sept 14
Father, today was fine. My hatha is ok and this time I hold back more. The breathing was good. I find myself sensing the breathe as it move in and out of my body. Shambavi good too. Alas, no sweetness and bliss, but a calmness that has more depth than what I previously experienced.
Father, I am really amazed at CEO. She is really going inward and look and acknowledged her fear. This confirm my belief that high ego is also a good thing becos u need courage to go in and look at urself.
She gave me the motivation. This mornin I tot of making 7thunder cards as my base, Osho for specific issue. Personality card for ruling card.
Osho
1. The Issue - New Vision
When u open up to the ultimate, it pours into u. You are no longer an ordinary human being - u have transcended. You have found your roots.
Your inner being, when it opens up, first experience two directions: the height, the depth. And then slowly as this becomes ur established situation, it spread into eight directions.
Now u r presented an opportunity to see life in all its dimensions, from the depth to the heights.
We come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light an easy. By allowing all life colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
Soul
Great to hear that. The blissfulness was the height and now I have gone in deeper. My energy circumference has expanded.
Yeap, suffering is blessing.
2. Internal Influence - The Burden
A man's true life is the way in which he puts off the life imposed by others on him. The lie cannot become the truth, the personality cannot be ur soul.
See the lie, look deep into the lie of ur personailty. Becos to see the lie, is to cease to be and what is left is the truth.
So shrug of ur shoulders and see what it feels like to walk without these characters on ur back. You have ur own mountain to conquer, ur own dreams to fulfill, but u will never have the energy to pursue them until u release urself from all the expectations u have gathered from others but now think are ur own. Its time lighten up and send them on their way.
Soul
Tot of my Ace of Diamond ruling card and my Five of Heart mercury card. They are such opposite to Queen of Diamond in some aspects.
Father, I want to stay focus on the tools I have found and known to be good for my path as Transformational Leader.
I want to be focused in my Path. Mmm, a year ago I see this card differently as me carrying my expectation of myself. And now is me carrying my Ruling and Mercury cards. Guess I am going deeper and deeper.
3. External Influence - Consciousness.
There is crystal clarity available righ now, detached and rooted in the deep stillness that lies at the core of ur being. There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding u have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself.
Accept this gift, and share it.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Politics
All but the more innocent and and sincere of us have the politician lurking somewhere in our minds. The minds is political. It nature is to plan and scheme and try to manipulate situations and people so that it get what it wants.
Soul
Now I understand. This is in respect of my Five of Heart and Ace of Diamond. They are both of the mind's attributes. I need to ignore my mind so I can let go of them.
5. Resolution
Celebration
Life is a moment to celebrate, to enjoy. Make it fun, a celebration, and then u will enter the temple.
Don't be too wise, too clever. Your cleverness is your disease.
Always remember to stop. A little foolishness and a little wisdom is good, and the right combination makes u a buddha!
You are becoming more available and open to the many opportunities that are to celebrate in life and to spread this by contagion to others.
Soul
Yea!
Tot of great food this Sat. Great that its only 30 days, 25 Sept instead of 16 Sept. Father, funny I have accepted and here U gave me many gifts. Amen.
Sadhguru
The whole reason why u make a pilgrimage to Kailash is to understand and experience that there is something beyond what you logically know in this world as 'real'. Either u remain within the limitations of ur logic or u taste the magic. The logical will handle the mundane, which u must take care of. But at the same time, a point should come where u r willing to leave logic aside and taste the magic of life. Otherwise, life will remain mundane and nothing beyond it will ever touch u.
Soul
Same msg as Osho
Father, I have already experienced many time over, beyond logic.
For me, till now no interest on Kailash. For me, its not the spirituality that is the issue. Its the physical. In the end, I will reach the body. It is also the money.
Father, today was fine. My hatha is ok and this time I hold back more. The breathing was good. I find myself sensing the breathe as it move in and out of my body. Shambavi good too. Alas, no sweetness and bliss, but a calmness that has more depth than what I previously experienced.
Father, I am really amazed at CEO. She is really going inward and look and acknowledged her fear. This confirm my belief that high ego is also a good thing becos u need courage to go in and look at urself.
She gave me the motivation. This mornin I tot of making 7thunder cards as my base, Osho for specific issue. Personality card for ruling card.
Osho
1. The Issue - New Vision
When u open up to the ultimate, it pours into u. You are no longer an ordinary human being - u have transcended. You have found your roots.
Your inner being, when it opens up, first experience two directions: the height, the depth. And then slowly as this becomes ur established situation, it spread into eight directions.
Now u r presented an opportunity to see life in all its dimensions, from the depth to the heights.
We come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light an easy. By allowing all life colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
Soul
Great to hear that. The blissfulness was the height and now I have gone in deeper. My energy circumference has expanded.
Yeap, suffering is blessing.
2. Internal Influence - The Burden
A man's true life is the way in which he puts off the life imposed by others on him. The lie cannot become the truth, the personality cannot be ur soul.
See the lie, look deep into the lie of ur personailty. Becos to see the lie, is to cease to be and what is left is the truth.
So shrug of ur shoulders and see what it feels like to walk without these characters on ur back. You have ur own mountain to conquer, ur own dreams to fulfill, but u will never have the energy to pursue them until u release urself from all the expectations u have gathered from others but now think are ur own. Its time lighten up and send them on their way.
Soul
Tot of my Ace of Diamond ruling card and my Five of Heart mercury card. They are such opposite to Queen of Diamond in some aspects.
Father, I want to stay focus on the tools I have found and known to be good for my path as Transformational Leader.
I want to be focused in my Path. Mmm, a year ago I see this card differently as me carrying my expectation of myself. And now is me carrying my Ruling and Mercury cards. Guess I am going deeper and deeper.
3. External Influence - Consciousness.
There is crystal clarity available righ now, detached and rooted in the deep stillness that lies at the core of ur being. There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding u have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself.
Accept this gift, and share it.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Politics
All but the more innocent and and sincere of us have the politician lurking somewhere in our minds. The minds is political. It nature is to plan and scheme and try to manipulate situations and people so that it get what it wants.
Soul
Now I understand. This is in respect of my Five of Heart and Ace of Diamond. They are both of the mind's attributes. I need to ignore my mind so I can let go of them.
5. Resolution
Celebration
Life is a moment to celebrate, to enjoy. Make it fun, a celebration, and then u will enter the temple.
Don't be too wise, too clever. Your cleverness is your disease.
Always remember to stop. A little foolishness and a little wisdom is good, and the right combination makes u a buddha!
You are becoming more available and open to the many opportunities that are to celebrate in life and to spread this by contagion to others.
Soul
Yea!
Tot of great food this Sat. Great that its only 30 days, 25 Sept instead of 16 Sept. Father, funny I have accepted and here U gave me many gifts. Amen.
Sadhguru
The whole reason why u make a pilgrimage to Kailash is to understand and experience that there is something beyond what you logically know in this world as 'real'. Either u remain within the limitations of ur logic or u taste the magic. The logical will handle the mundane, which u must take care of. But at the same time, a point should come where u r willing to leave logic aside and taste the magic of life. Otherwise, life will remain mundane and nothing beyond it will ever touch u.
Soul
Same msg as Osho
Father, I have already experienced many time over, beyond logic.
For me, till now no interest on Kailash. For me, its not the spirituality that is the issue. Its the physical. In the end, I will reach the body. It is also the money.
Gain awareness in suffering
Sept 13 Even
Father, I know what it was. The gap between my department and the operations has both reversed and increased.
Previously under D, operations more in control than mine, that's why D was frustrated.
Now my department has improved so much and Operations worse off than previously and so it is now my turn to be frustrated especially since I am taking a pay cut.
I guess I have to do my part to talk to GM about my frustration and her action plan to pull up her department to speed.
(Oct 15 - finally told her about my edginess in her not fulfilling her role. But alas, that is because I too am not fulfiling my role in my Destiny)
This mornin when I read Osho - Internal - politics. I said cannot be. Well, its there now. Thank U.
Tot of GM; she says she is tired of doing the same thing. She is no longer enthusiastic.
Tot of CEO; she says she is tired of doing the same thing. She finds her job a drudgery now. It was amazing that CEO admitted she is fearful that she is no longer use, no longer contributing to the Company (no wonder she was so angry at me when I told her that she only does rship building and nothing else). It took guts for her to tell me. Amen.
Mmm, both of them facing the same thing. Actually I too now question the role of GM. She is not maintaining and controlling her team and processes, she is not bringing in new biz.
I guess for me is the fear that they will jeopardise my valuation. When the team member doesn't perform, it affects us. Also, now I no longer willing to do other dept's work unlike previously. I no longer want to carry other people burden. So, now need to learn to express myself. Will do that. Thanks to PD's advice.
Mmm, I have met my Saturn (MF) and Pluto (A and conman). I m fine. Now is Jupiter/Cosmic Result and Cosmic Lesson.
Evenin
Father, did my shoonya, a little samyama and shakti. Didn't focus that well, but my deep breathing was good. Guess its all the expectation, wanting to recapture. Is good for me.
Also, amazingly that I accepted 40 days vegetarian without much fuss and here am granted reprieve, only 30 days required and I need only to stay 1 day before and after. Definitely easier than last time. Well, not seeking enlightenment (no more such foolish hope ... Not so nice; just say high hope); I just want to deepen my meditation. I know I can go even deeper, just need Sadhguru's help to propel me.
Osho - Nanak
Self-restraint is a furnace where the goal is purified. But u must be prepared to pass through the fire. Only by going through the difficulties and troubles does a person attain supreme happiness.
When u pass through suffering in full awareness, when u accept the anguish and pain it brings, and when u look upon it as the path, the inevitable furnace of life through which u must pass in order to be purified, then the whole alchemy of suffering changes.
Soul
Is this my 40 days to 30 days veg and the 4 days to 2 days extra days.
Osho - Nanak
Everyone passes through pain and sorrow, be he in the world or a sannyasin. He who passes through suffering with full awareness, with the attitude of acceptance, makes his suffering a stepping stone and goes beyond suffering.
To practice restraint is to accept the suffering as the spiritual path.
One should not be vanquished by it, but on the contrary, make it a stepping stone and rise above it. Therefore, it is like a furnace.
Father, I know what it was. The gap between my department and the operations has both reversed and increased.
Previously under D, operations more in control than mine, that's why D was frustrated.
Now my department has improved so much and Operations worse off than previously and so it is now my turn to be frustrated especially since I am taking a pay cut.
I guess I have to do my part to talk to GM about my frustration and her action plan to pull up her department to speed.
(Oct 15 - finally told her about my edginess in her not fulfilling her role. But alas, that is because I too am not fulfiling my role in my Destiny)
This mornin when I read Osho - Internal - politics. I said cannot be. Well, its there now. Thank U.
Tot of GM; she says she is tired of doing the same thing. She is no longer enthusiastic.
Tot of CEO; she says she is tired of doing the same thing. She finds her job a drudgery now. It was amazing that CEO admitted she is fearful that she is no longer use, no longer contributing to the Company (no wonder she was so angry at me when I told her that she only does rship building and nothing else). It took guts for her to tell me. Amen.
Mmm, both of them facing the same thing. Actually I too now question the role of GM. She is not maintaining and controlling her team and processes, she is not bringing in new biz.
I guess for me is the fear that they will jeopardise my valuation. When the team member doesn't perform, it affects us. Also, now I no longer willing to do other dept's work unlike previously. I no longer want to carry other people burden. So, now need to learn to express myself. Will do that. Thanks to PD's advice.
Mmm, I have met my Saturn (MF) and Pluto (A and conman). I m fine. Now is Jupiter/Cosmic Result and Cosmic Lesson.
Evenin
Father, did my shoonya, a little samyama and shakti. Didn't focus that well, but my deep breathing was good. Guess its all the expectation, wanting to recapture. Is good for me.
Also, amazingly that I accepted 40 days vegetarian without much fuss and here am granted reprieve, only 30 days required and I need only to stay 1 day before and after. Definitely easier than last time. Well, not seeking enlightenment (no more such foolish hope ... Not so nice; just say high hope); I just want to deepen my meditation. I know I can go even deeper, just need Sadhguru's help to propel me.
Osho - Nanak
Self-restraint is a furnace where the goal is purified. But u must be prepared to pass through the fire. Only by going through the difficulties and troubles does a person attain supreme happiness.
When u pass through suffering in full awareness, when u accept the anguish and pain it brings, and when u look upon it as the path, the inevitable furnace of life through which u must pass in order to be purified, then the whole alchemy of suffering changes.
Soul
Is this my 40 days to 30 days veg and the 4 days to 2 days extra days.
Osho - Nanak
Everyone passes through pain and sorrow, be he in the world or a sannyasin. He who passes through suffering with full awareness, with the attitude of acceptance, makes his suffering a stepping stone and goes beyond suffering.
To practice restraint is to accept the suffering as the spiritual path.
One should not be vanquished by it, but on the contrary, make it a stepping stone and rise above it. Therefore, it is like a furnace.
To change others, we must change ourselves first
Sept 13
Father, my left foot is swelling. But m fine.
This morning shambavi is ok. At least these days, I bring myself back when I wander.
On 7thunder cards, its getting more interesting. I realised that there is a connection between 5 of Heart (my Mercury) to Queen of Diamond (my Birth card). Quite complex, but I think there is a trail.
Heal Ur life
This is the only way to change others - change ourselves first. Change ur patterns, and u will find that 'they' are different, too.
Blame is useless. Blaming only gives away ur power. Keep ur power. Without power, we cannot make changes. The helpless victim cannot see a way out.
Soul
Mmm, I forgot about that. I still practice blame, albeit less.
Heal Ur life
Love comes when we least expect it, when u r not looking for it. Hunting for love never brings the right person. It only creates longing and unhappiness. Love is never outside ourselves, love is within us.
What kind of love u want to attract? List the qualities in yourself and u will attract a person who has them.
Be ready for love when it does comes. Prepare the field and be ready to nourish love. Be loving and u will be lovable. Be open and receptive to love.
Soul
Be loving and u be lovable. So apt for Vijii and Tamil teacher. Both of them are loving persons, and they are lovable.
Father, I admit I never consider myself loving and I think my friends will agree.
Father, I believe I am not lovable and not loving too.
My Jupiter period is Universal Love.
I am willing to open my heart and be loving to myself first.
Heal Ur Life
I live in harmony and balance with everyone I know
Deep at the center of my being, there is an infinite well of love.
I now allow this love to flow to the surface.
It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied.
The more love I use and give, the more I have to give.
The supply is endless.
The use of love makes me feel good
It is an expression of my inner joy. I love myself, therefore I take loving care of my body. My body lovingly responds to me with vibrant health and energy.
Father, my left foot is swelling. But m fine.
This morning shambavi is ok. At least these days, I bring myself back when I wander.
On 7thunder cards, its getting more interesting. I realised that there is a connection between 5 of Heart (my Mercury) to Queen of Diamond (my Birth card). Quite complex, but I think there is a trail.
Heal Ur life
This is the only way to change others - change ourselves first. Change ur patterns, and u will find that 'they' are different, too.
Blame is useless. Blaming only gives away ur power. Keep ur power. Without power, we cannot make changes. The helpless victim cannot see a way out.
Soul
Mmm, I forgot about that. I still practice blame, albeit less.
Heal Ur life
Love comes when we least expect it, when u r not looking for it. Hunting for love never brings the right person. It only creates longing and unhappiness. Love is never outside ourselves, love is within us.
What kind of love u want to attract? List the qualities in yourself and u will attract a person who has them.
Be ready for love when it does comes. Prepare the field and be ready to nourish love. Be loving and u will be lovable. Be open and receptive to love.
Soul
Be loving and u be lovable. So apt for Vijii and Tamil teacher. Both of them are loving persons, and they are lovable.
Father, I admit I never consider myself loving and I think my friends will agree.
Father, I believe I am not lovable and not loving too.
My Jupiter period is Universal Love.
I am willing to open my heart and be loving to myself first.
Heal Ur Life
I live in harmony and balance with everyone I know
Deep at the center of my being, there is an infinite well of love.
I now allow this love to flow to the surface.
It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions and returns to me multiplied.
The more love I use and give, the more I have to give.
The supply is endless.
The use of love makes me feel good
It is an expression of my inner joy. I love myself, therefore I take loving care of my body. My body lovingly responds to me with vibrant health and energy.
Direction, path and goal, key to meeting your Destiny
Sept 12
Father, attended today sathsang. Mmm, I think m even more receptive now. I find my head shaking easily, fluidly. I felt lighter.
Just now on special vision meditation. I asked for
1. Health and Wholeness.
2. Famous published author
3. Famous transformational leader.
Father, thank U. Today reading my mercury - 5 of Heart - exploring new experiences or rship. Guess that's the reason why I am open. I want to experience all.
My wisdom gained is from my experiences.
Osho - Nanak
Self-restraint means giving direction to life, giving it vision and a goal. A life of restraint is one in which a person is well aware of his goal; he knows exactly where to let his arrow fly. An arrow that is let fly haphazardly cannot possibly hit the target. No power is attained without restrained and moderation.
Once u decide upon a goal, then u have to let go of everything that does not further ur goal. If u want to achieve one thing, u have to let go of a thousand others. U have to make a choice.
So, direction, path and goal. When these three are in complete harmony, u attain self-restraint and balance (integrated whole).
Your mind is like mercury; let it loose and it breaks immediately into a thousand pieces.
If and when u become at all awakened and look within urself, u will find one part of ur mind heading East, one to the West, one to North. One part wants to earn money, another wants to follow spiritual path, and so on.
The mind is fragmented, so never trust it.
If u do not listen to ur mind but instead heed the witness within, u will be able to remember what u have come into the world for, what u have come to buy from the market of samsara.
That remembrance will become ur goal, then u will gain the ability to throw off the fragments that besieged ur mind.
To practice self restraint involve the ability to leave the chaff for the wheat, to let go of the useless and worthless in favour of the useful and worthwhile.
There are thousands of path on which to go astray, but only one to reach the right place; therefore u need a very strong memory - uninterrupted remembrance is required.
Father, attended today sathsang. Mmm, I think m even more receptive now. I find my head shaking easily, fluidly. I felt lighter.
Just now on special vision meditation. I asked for
1. Health and Wholeness.
2. Famous published author
3. Famous transformational leader.
Father, thank U. Today reading my mercury - 5 of Heart - exploring new experiences or rship. Guess that's the reason why I am open. I want to experience all.
My wisdom gained is from my experiences.
Osho - Nanak
Self-restraint means giving direction to life, giving it vision and a goal. A life of restraint is one in which a person is well aware of his goal; he knows exactly where to let his arrow fly. An arrow that is let fly haphazardly cannot possibly hit the target. No power is attained without restrained and moderation.
Once u decide upon a goal, then u have to let go of everything that does not further ur goal. If u want to achieve one thing, u have to let go of a thousand others. U have to make a choice.
So, direction, path and goal. When these three are in complete harmony, u attain self-restraint and balance (integrated whole).
Your mind is like mercury; let it loose and it breaks immediately into a thousand pieces.
If and when u become at all awakened and look within urself, u will find one part of ur mind heading East, one to the West, one to North. One part wants to earn money, another wants to follow spiritual path, and so on.
The mind is fragmented, so never trust it.
If u do not listen to ur mind but instead heed the witness within, u will be able to remember what u have come into the world for, what u have come to buy from the market of samsara.
That remembrance will become ur goal, then u will gain the ability to throw off the fragments that besieged ur mind.
To practice self restraint involve the ability to leave the chaff for the wheat, to let go of the useless and worthless in favour of the useful and worthwhile.
There are thousands of path on which to go astray, but only one to reach the right place; therefore u need a very strong memory - uninterrupted remembrance is required.
All of life is relationships
Sept 11
Answer came.
I was feeling bit ungiving and resentful cos my Ruling is Ace of Diamond. Alone and if do something must have 'return'.
That's what I meant sharing. I give and I receive.
I want that becos basically I am happy alone.
So, its not that I am 'bad' and unable to love. I am loving.
Tot came - one day, meditation will ignite a flame and burn my personality and I become a new person.
I aspire to be like Tamil teacher's presence - universal love.
Father, my 2nd karma Card and Result Card in my Life Spread is Nine of Diamond - Universal Giver. This means the chance of success is great as I already have inherent positive card due to past live giving.
Father, Giving means I already have already received.
So, giving is receiving.
Let me absorb this further.
Heal Ur life
Reinforce new learning by-
1. Expressing gratitude - yes
2. Writing affirmations - no
3. Sitting in meditation - yes
4. Enjoying exercise - yes
5. Practising good nutrition - no
6. Singing affirmation - no
7. Taking time for relaxation - yes
8. Using visualisation, mental imagery - no
9. Reading and studying - yes
Heal Ur life
All of life is relationships. We have relationships with everything. The relationships you have with objects and foods and weather and transportation and with people all reflect the rship u have with urself.
The rship u have with urself is highly influenced by the rship u had with the adults around u as a child. The way the adults reacted toward us then, is often the way we react toward ourselves, now both positively and negatively
Perhaps they never praised u, so u have no idea how to.
(Oct 15 - Sadhguru says we cannot avoid relationships. We can only decide if we want to make it joyful or miserable. And miserable is the result if we are aiming to extract joy from the other person. If we aim only to give joy to the other person, then our relationship is joyful)
Soul
My authority always criticise me for not being good enough. Always telling me to strategise especially areas where I am weak in cos I don't have enough.
Words they used
Not beautiful (Now: I may not be beautiful but I know I am above average)
Stupid (Now: I know I am smart and can even be called an intellectual)
Cannot make it. (Now: I am head of department)
Since I don't affirm myself, I don't affirm others either. All my previous 3 boss (W, A, M and J) all sought my affirmation.
Nine of Diamond
Means that things and people they value will be taken away or at least need to be released.
Nine (ending) is the Opposite of Ace (beginning)
Nine (giving to others) is the Opposite of Ace (giving to self)
Nine must follow a higher path in order to be completely fulfilled. The higher path is often the exact opposite of what is believed and taught in our society.
Nine represents the letting go of our personal desires and identity and merging ourselves into the universal consciousness. In this regard, the Nine person often identifies themselves with a great purpose - that of saving the world in some way.
When they truly released, its Nines that are accessing the power of letting go that is inherent in the birth card (or 2nd karma card) are happy and somewhat carefree. They are giving and less attached to people and things in their life. Result is happiness and enlightenment having made transition.
They understand life as no others can because they can see well beyond their personal identity to the broad picture of the universe.
The compassion they exude is real and comes from consciously passed through many endings.
Their happiness is real because it is not based on the acquisition of any thing or person. It is based on the knowledge they are in tune with the will of God and the cosmic flow.
Nine of Diamond (Universal values - the Giver)
Entails a lot of giving to others and a willingness to release both people and materials things from their life.
Great at promoting things they believe in. Great talker and communicator.
Challenges - to develop and use their charm and power to do good work. Many of them are destined to make great contributions to the world, often by leading others to a higher form of knowledge
Answer came.
I was feeling bit ungiving and resentful cos my Ruling is Ace of Diamond. Alone and if do something must have 'return'.
That's what I meant sharing. I give and I receive.
I want that becos basically I am happy alone.
So, its not that I am 'bad' and unable to love. I am loving.
Tot came - one day, meditation will ignite a flame and burn my personality and I become a new person.
I aspire to be like Tamil teacher's presence - universal love.
Father, my 2nd karma Card and Result Card in my Life Spread is Nine of Diamond - Universal Giver. This means the chance of success is great as I already have inherent positive card due to past live giving.
Father, Giving means I already have already received.
So, giving is receiving.
Let me absorb this further.
Heal Ur life
Reinforce new learning by-
1. Expressing gratitude - yes
2. Writing affirmations - no
3. Sitting in meditation - yes
4. Enjoying exercise - yes
5. Practising good nutrition - no
6. Singing affirmation - no
7. Taking time for relaxation - yes
8. Using visualisation, mental imagery - no
9. Reading and studying - yes
Heal Ur life
All of life is relationships. We have relationships with everything. The relationships you have with objects and foods and weather and transportation and with people all reflect the rship u have with urself.
The rship u have with urself is highly influenced by the rship u had with the adults around u as a child. The way the adults reacted toward us then, is often the way we react toward ourselves, now both positively and negatively
Perhaps they never praised u, so u have no idea how to.
(Oct 15 - Sadhguru says we cannot avoid relationships. We can only decide if we want to make it joyful or miserable. And miserable is the result if we are aiming to extract joy from the other person. If we aim only to give joy to the other person, then our relationship is joyful)
Soul
My authority always criticise me for not being good enough. Always telling me to strategise especially areas where I am weak in cos I don't have enough.
Words they used
Not beautiful (Now: I may not be beautiful but I know I am above average)
Stupid (Now: I know I am smart and can even be called an intellectual)
Cannot make it. (Now: I am head of department)
Since I don't affirm myself, I don't affirm others either. All my previous 3 boss (W, A, M and J) all sought my affirmation.
Nine of Diamond
Means that things and people they value will be taken away or at least need to be released.
Nine (ending) is the Opposite of Ace (beginning)
Nine (giving to others) is the Opposite of Ace (giving to self)
Nine must follow a higher path in order to be completely fulfilled. The higher path is often the exact opposite of what is believed and taught in our society.
Nine represents the letting go of our personal desires and identity and merging ourselves into the universal consciousness. In this regard, the Nine person often identifies themselves with a great purpose - that of saving the world in some way.
When they truly released, its Nines that are accessing the power of letting go that is inherent in the birth card (or 2nd karma card) are happy and somewhat carefree. They are giving and less attached to people and things in their life. Result is happiness and enlightenment having made transition.
They understand life as no others can because they can see well beyond their personal identity to the broad picture of the universe.
The compassion they exude is real and comes from consciously passed through many endings.
Their happiness is real because it is not based on the acquisition of any thing or person. It is based on the knowledge they are in tune with the will of God and the cosmic flow.
Nine of Diamond (Universal values - the Giver)
Entails a lot of giving to others and a willingness to release both people and materials things from their life.
Great at promoting things they believe in. Great talker and communicator.
Challenges - to develop and use their charm and power to do good work. Many of them are destined to make great contributions to the world, often by leading others to a higher form of knowledge
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Queen of Diamond Life Spread (2)
Sept 10
Father, today my left shoulder is too painful that I cannot do hatha yoga. It will recover tomorro. Did my breathing (not in), followed by shakti (in - now the deep breathing is effortless), then shambavi
Good thing that I can do cat stretch. The fluterring breathe. For a few second, it was fast and effortless, only breathing thru the nose surface).
Father, some tots did come in and I admit the Tamil teacher's laughter always come in. But these day, I can ignore and proceed.
Then just a sense of total peace and towards the end a tinge of sweetness.
Father, thanks for the reduced pain.
Tot of yday meal, was out but for the first time I was fine despite having expectation. Thank U.
As for J, why now only found out that he is Six of Spades, this explain his inertia. His inability to change has nothing to do with me.
Afternoon
Father, meeting D is good. I am happy for her. Turns out 7thunder cards of 8 of Clube and her Planetary card is on the right track.
Just now I realised that I have the focus and intensity but its used elsewhere, not in my path to meet my destiny. I used it for my mind, worrying and etc.
Six of Spade - they accept their destiny.
Me, I have been resisting all these while but m slowly coming to there.
Evening
I am drawn to the Tamil teacher. He epitomise what I want for myself. His presence is loving and compassion. His is a universal love.
That's my Jupiter card - Nine of Heart - universal love card.
I guess that's what my Ace of Heart represent. Found someone who epitomised what I want for myself.
(Oct 8 - not so, just met another guy who is mor reflective of my vision partner
Father, got a text for L to photocopy her cards. My first reaction is I didn't like it. Second reaction is why I don't like to share. Answer, I am doing this for my interest. Why can't they buy the book and do it on their own. Can see bit resentment again.
Then I realised that its becos she is giving, she expect that I do the same.
C loves to share. For me, I learn for my interest and to get people keen on the topics. I am not here for people.
Father, there is still a tussle in me. I still can't do it freely.
I would wish people get on the bandwagon and explore it themselves and then there can be two way sharing.
Like my rship with D, there is a 2-way sharing. We learn from each other.
I don't like it when its one-way receiving from me. Aiyah, again d similar issue wit C. Perhaps its one-way with me but the person has one-way giving to others.
My Saturn and Cosmic Lesson
Seven
Positive (Spiritual) - detached and happy where there is abundance
Negative (Mundane) - attachment and worries about not having enough, feeling of lack.
Overcoming mundane challenges by releasing attachment and practice gratefulness in order to have spiritual enlightenment and freedom from the cares of the world.
Saturn
Seven of Club (Spiritual knowledge)
Challenge - negative aspect of the mind, which are worry, doubt and pessimism.
Tool - Insights, Inspiration, Power/Intensity
Result - Fame and recognition in Spiritual Knowledge that they secretly desire.
Overcoming pessimism and negativity
1. Relationship
2. Spiritual Work
3. Health
Soul
I keep on complaining about the challenge and hardship, I forgot to remember and be grateful for having the inherent Tools to overcome challenges and the Opportunity to achieve fame and recognition ("Special") that I secretly desire but tot I couldn't have it.
Cosmic Lesson
Seven of Spade (Faith Card)
Challenge - to learn to trust and keep their faith despite problems in work and health
Tools - inherent spiritual force.
Result - Spiritual enlightenment and the overcoming of all mundane problems.
Father, instead of complaining. Its true I was selected or perhaps I elected to come back to the world to achieve my desires and it comes with a price. And the price is an attachment that I need to let go also.
Pluto
Jack of Club
Challenge - transformation from youthfulness to responsibility.
Spoilt brat
Father, tell me why so difficult to for universal love card.
Father, today my left shoulder is too painful that I cannot do hatha yoga. It will recover tomorro. Did my breathing (not in), followed by shakti (in - now the deep breathing is effortless), then shambavi
Good thing that I can do cat stretch. The fluterring breathe. For a few second, it was fast and effortless, only breathing thru the nose surface).
Father, some tots did come in and I admit the Tamil teacher's laughter always come in. But these day, I can ignore and proceed.
Then just a sense of total peace and towards the end a tinge of sweetness.
Father, thanks for the reduced pain.
Tot of yday meal, was out but for the first time I was fine despite having expectation. Thank U.
As for J, why now only found out that he is Six of Spades, this explain his inertia. His inability to change has nothing to do with me.
Afternoon
Father, meeting D is good. I am happy for her. Turns out 7thunder cards of 8 of Clube and her Planetary card is on the right track.
Just now I realised that I have the focus and intensity but its used elsewhere, not in my path to meet my destiny. I used it for my mind, worrying and etc.
Six of Spade - they accept their destiny.
Me, I have been resisting all these while but m slowly coming to there.
Evening
I am drawn to the Tamil teacher. He epitomise what I want for myself. His presence is loving and compassion. His is a universal love.
That's my Jupiter card - Nine of Heart - universal love card.
I guess that's what my Ace of Heart represent. Found someone who epitomised what I want for myself.
(Oct 8 - not so, just met another guy who is mor reflective of my vision partner
Father, got a text for L to photocopy her cards. My first reaction is I didn't like it. Second reaction is why I don't like to share. Answer, I am doing this for my interest. Why can't they buy the book and do it on their own. Can see bit resentment again.
Then I realised that its becos she is giving, she expect that I do the same.
C loves to share. For me, I learn for my interest and to get people keen on the topics. I am not here for people.
Father, there is still a tussle in me. I still can't do it freely.
I would wish people get on the bandwagon and explore it themselves and then there can be two way sharing.
Like my rship with D, there is a 2-way sharing. We learn from each other.
I don't like it when its one-way receiving from me. Aiyah, again d similar issue wit C. Perhaps its one-way with me but the person has one-way giving to others.
My Saturn and Cosmic Lesson
Seven
Positive (Spiritual) - detached and happy where there is abundance
Negative (Mundane) - attachment and worries about not having enough, feeling of lack.
Overcoming mundane challenges by releasing attachment and practice gratefulness in order to have spiritual enlightenment and freedom from the cares of the world.
Saturn
Seven of Club (Spiritual knowledge)
Challenge - negative aspect of the mind, which are worry, doubt and pessimism.
Tool - Insights, Inspiration, Power/Intensity
Result - Fame and recognition in Spiritual Knowledge that they secretly desire.
Overcoming pessimism and negativity
1. Relationship
2. Spiritual Work
3. Health
Soul
I keep on complaining about the challenge and hardship, I forgot to remember and be grateful for having the inherent Tools to overcome challenges and the Opportunity to achieve fame and recognition ("Special") that I secretly desire but tot I couldn't have it.
Cosmic Lesson
Seven of Spade (Faith Card)
Challenge - to learn to trust and keep their faith despite problems in work and health
Tools - inherent spiritual force.
Result - Spiritual enlightenment and the overcoming of all mundane problems.
Father, instead of complaining. Its true I was selected or perhaps I elected to come back to the world to achieve my desires and it comes with a price. And the price is an attachment that I need to let go also.
Pluto
Jack of Club
Challenge - transformation from youthfulness to responsibility.
Spoilt brat
Father, tell me why so difficult to for universal love card.
Attachment to food - reduced
Sept 9 Eve
Father, just did destiny reading with J and found out we got the wrong Planetary Ruling card for him. Its Six of Spade and not Queen of Hearts.
Earlier he mention abt his belief he is here to take care of people, give way to people. I replied that's a very weak mother. I tot all Queens are strong mothers. Alas, he is not a Queen.
Also, finally know why no change after a decade. He is a Six and hence tot cannot change. No wonder.
Father, why now after more than 5 years, we found out about this.
Its funny, just when I gave up on him changing. I finally found out why he is not changing.
Anyway, at least my insight was correct. The destiny reading is for Inner path and planetary reading is for outer path, what we are experiencing.
Father, I am surprised. Today meal was quite bad. I was really looking forward to a good meal, in preparation of 16 Sept vegetarian period. Alas, meal was quite bad but surprisingly it didn't affect me.
Looks like my attachment to food has lessen considerably. Also, I didn't judge myself too much for having wrong selection. Amen.
Father, just did destiny reading with J and found out we got the wrong Planetary Ruling card for him. Its Six of Spade and not Queen of Hearts.
Earlier he mention abt his belief he is here to take care of people, give way to people. I replied that's a very weak mother. I tot all Queens are strong mothers. Alas, he is not a Queen.
Also, finally know why no change after a decade. He is a Six and hence tot cannot change. No wonder.
Father, why now after more than 5 years, we found out about this.
Its funny, just when I gave up on him changing. I finally found out why he is not changing.
Anyway, at least my insight was correct. The destiny reading is for Inner path and planetary reading is for outer path, what we are experiencing.
Father, I am surprised. Today meal was quite bad. I was really looking forward to a good meal, in preparation of 16 Sept vegetarian period. Alas, meal was quite bad but surprisingly it didn't affect me.
Looks like my attachment to food has lessen considerably. Also, I didn't judge myself too much for having wrong selection. Amen.
Queen of Diamond Life Spread
Sept 9
Soul
Just did my shoonya. It was deep. Father, thanks for guiding me to the next level.
Neptune in Life Spread
Queen of Spade - Self-Mastery
They are true mothers of the world who compassionately share and teach their wisdom. They are all born to rule, but they must actualise that destiny themselves.
They rise to their highest potential by following their intuition and inner guidance.
Soul
No wonder I reacted when I heard Sadhguru, can u be a mother to thousand of people.
I want to teach to lots of people and hence got money. But I also want to be alone. That's why its my dream and my fear.
Jupiter
Nine of Hearts - Universal Love Card
They are givers, endowed with great minds and hearts to share with the world
Many are found in counseling fields out of natural desire to give to others.
Soul
Looks like I am on the right track. This avenue is the one that can also give me blessing/money.
Saturn
Seven of Club
Challenge lies in the negative aspects of the mind which are worry, doubt and pessimism.
They have much inherent inspiration and insight, but when they don't follow it, they will be despair and depressed.
They have the power to overcome their problems and to attain the fame and recognition they secretly desire, but they must apply themselves diligently.
(Oct 8 - Father, previously I couldn't relate to this. Now I can. I have loads of self-criticism. Even before things materialised, my fear will bring me back to earth. I am too pragmatic. I want to dream a bit more, be adventerous. I want my vision partner..perhaps thats why my RA was acting up cos I decided a few months ago to stop wanting. But fear of RA is more than fear of rejection, so will try and now that i know my challenge is being a pessimist, I will be focused on my vision partner.)
Soul
This reminds me of my Inner Child card I received last weekend during Soul Sisters program
Inner Child
You've got the Power!
Use your abilities to resolve this situation.
You can do it!
The fairy child is walking on a string of cow web
Just playing, knowing she has the power.
Soul
Yeap, I want to attain fame and recognition by way of Self Mastery.
A very tall order.
Neptune for the year
Six of Diamond
They are here to help others come to a greater understanding of values. If they accept what they receive through their natural intuition, they will always be happy, regardless of the circumstances of their life.
If they have discovered their special mission in life, they will not worry about how much money the have.
These people make great teachers. They are givers and can be entrusted with great responsibilities. What they have to give is a clear knowledge of higher values and the discrimination to make better personal choices. They are keeper of the law.
Soul
Exactly my dream for this year.
Soul
Just did my shoonya. It was deep. Father, thanks for guiding me to the next level.
Neptune in Life Spread
Queen of Spade - Self-Mastery
They are true mothers of the world who compassionately share and teach their wisdom. They are all born to rule, but they must actualise that destiny themselves.
They rise to their highest potential by following their intuition and inner guidance.
Soul
No wonder I reacted when I heard Sadhguru, can u be a mother to thousand of people.
I want to teach to lots of people and hence got money. But I also want to be alone. That's why its my dream and my fear.
Jupiter
Nine of Hearts - Universal Love Card
They are givers, endowed with great minds and hearts to share with the world
Many are found in counseling fields out of natural desire to give to others.
Soul
Looks like I am on the right track. This avenue is the one that can also give me blessing/money.
Saturn
Seven of Club
Challenge lies in the negative aspects of the mind which are worry, doubt and pessimism.
They have much inherent inspiration and insight, but when they don't follow it, they will be despair and depressed.
They have the power to overcome their problems and to attain the fame and recognition they secretly desire, but they must apply themselves diligently.
(Oct 8 - Father, previously I couldn't relate to this. Now I can. I have loads of self-criticism. Even before things materialised, my fear will bring me back to earth. I am too pragmatic. I want to dream a bit more, be adventerous. I want my vision partner..perhaps thats why my RA was acting up cos I decided a few months ago to stop wanting. But fear of RA is more than fear of rejection, so will try and now that i know my challenge is being a pessimist, I will be focused on my vision partner.)
Soul
This reminds me of my Inner Child card I received last weekend during Soul Sisters program
Inner Child
You've got the Power!
Use your abilities to resolve this situation.
You can do it!
The fairy child is walking on a string of cow web
Just playing, knowing she has the power.
Soul
Yeap, I want to attain fame and recognition by way of Self Mastery.
A very tall order.
Neptune for the year
Six of Diamond
They are here to help others come to a greater understanding of values. If they accept what they receive through their natural intuition, they will always be happy, regardless of the circumstances of their life.
If they have discovered their special mission in life, they will not worry about how much money the have.
These people make great teachers. They are givers and can be entrusted with great responsibilities. What they have to give is a clear knowledge of higher values and the discrimination to make better personal choices. They are keeper of the law.
Soul
Exactly my dream for this year.
Sept 8 Evening
Father, just finished my evening practices.
On the way back, I was conscious of my breathing and felt such grounding of silence. I need to check with Tamil, is there a difference between awareness of breathe and watching ur breathe.
Straight off start with shoonya without any invocation. Went in deep. This time tot came, I just left it fly by.
Then did guru pooja and followed by Shakti.
The Shakti was effortless.
Surka kriya did without any movement from the left hand. The stomach breathing was effortless and throughout I just focus on my third eye and my stomach just contract in and out naturally.
The Shakti was deep throughout.
Finally, the ending and this time I sit up straight and cross my leg sadhana style. At first, some slight numbness to the feet, but few minutes later I was fine. I continue to focus on my third eye.
Laughter trying to come out, but I contained and later the contained laughter become my slow stomach contractions in and out. Throughout I focus on third eye and I felt the orgasmic experience, better than this morning. So sweet a feeling. Amen.
Sadhguru, thank U for sending Tamil teacher. U have helped to propel me further. Now all my meditations, shoonya, breathing, shambavi and shakti has changed. You have revived my commitment. Amen.
Sadhguru
You are not bound, but u believe that u r bound. All u have to do is awaken urself.
Realisation is moving into a higher level of energy and a higher level of awareness.
Suddenly, u r awake in a different reality together, which we are referring to as the Ultimate Reality.
Soul
If anyone were to tell me that my meditation practice can go up another notch. I would disbelieve them. I tot I couldn't, that's it. And now I know that's not it. I have tasted the bliss one time and now I am tasting the sweetness of my being.
Father, thank U. Amen
I am attracted to the teacher's lovely presence and laughter. I wanted to have that too. We just met and somehow we connect. I like him. Just now watching d other guy n I didn't like the energy I saw there.
Father, I want to have the lovely presence. My outward presence is joyful and now inward is sweet. The sweetness will flow to bliss.
Father, I recalled that I said I want to focus in Feb samyama. Alas, I didn't know how to focus and my body also couldn't contain the energy. So, I only have laughter, dancing and singing in the 8 days. Now that I can focus and body is also ok, I will re-affirm my commitment. I want to have the lovely presence.
Ace of Diamond
Venus - Ace of heart
A card of soul-searching and often introspection. Its the search for self identity or for those things that help us to love who we are unconditionally. In order to love ourselves, we often find someone to love who reflects back to us what we are seeking within.
Bring a friendship from someone dear to u. Can represent a new relationship beginning.
Father, just finished my evening practices.
On the way back, I was conscious of my breathing and felt such grounding of silence. I need to check with Tamil, is there a difference between awareness of breathe and watching ur breathe.
Straight off start with shoonya without any invocation. Went in deep. This time tot came, I just left it fly by.
Then did guru pooja and followed by Shakti.
The Shakti was effortless.
Surka kriya did without any movement from the left hand. The stomach breathing was effortless and throughout I just focus on my third eye and my stomach just contract in and out naturally.
The Shakti was deep throughout.
Finally, the ending and this time I sit up straight and cross my leg sadhana style. At first, some slight numbness to the feet, but few minutes later I was fine. I continue to focus on my third eye.
Laughter trying to come out, but I contained and later the contained laughter become my slow stomach contractions in and out. Throughout I focus on third eye and I felt the orgasmic experience, better than this morning. So sweet a feeling. Amen.
Sadhguru, thank U for sending Tamil teacher. U have helped to propel me further. Now all my meditations, shoonya, breathing, shambavi and shakti has changed. You have revived my commitment. Amen.
Sadhguru
You are not bound, but u believe that u r bound. All u have to do is awaken urself.
Realisation is moving into a higher level of energy and a higher level of awareness.
Suddenly, u r awake in a different reality together, which we are referring to as the Ultimate Reality.
Soul
If anyone were to tell me that my meditation practice can go up another notch. I would disbelieve them. I tot I couldn't, that's it. And now I know that's not it. I have tasted the bliss one time and now I am tasting the sweetness of my being.
Father, thank U. Amen
I am attracted to the teacher's lovely presence and laughter. I wanted to have that too. We just met and somehow we connect. I like him. Just now watching d other guy n I didn't like the energy I saw there.
Father, I want to have the lovely presence. My outward presence is joyful and now inward is sweet. The sweetness will flow to bliss.
Father, I recalled that I said I want to focus in Feb samyama. Alas, I didn't know how to focus and my body also couldn't contain the energy. So, I only have laughter, dancing and singing in the 8 days. Now that I can focus and body is also ok, I will re-affirm my commitment. I want to have the lovely presence.
Ace of Diamond
Venus - Ace of heart
A card of soul-searching and often introspection. Its the search for self identity or for those things that help us to love who we are unconditionally. In order to love ourselves, we often find someone to love who reflects back to us what we are seeking within.
Bring a friendship from someone dear to u. Can represent a new relationship beginning.
Samyama Refresher
Sept 8
Father, did suria that was effortless and nowadays even the slopping down is via the chest and not the chin. My elbow is getting stronger. Tots came in and not as easy to focus on the Energy as we also need to keep track of the no. of cycles. Towards the eight cycle, I can feel the energy expanded. I follow it through and during the relax period, I felt in deep meditation. Full relaxation.
Then start on my breathing meditation. Tot of Tamil teacher and this time instead of watching. I become aware of the breathe instead and focusing on it. The experience was sweet. And these 2 days surprisingly, my back no 'cracking' sound. I can sit straight so comfortably. M surprised at my body.
Then did shambavi, did focus but tots do come in but only 50 percent of norm. I also did the 2 min of the first three session instead of my norm 1.5 min. Suria namaskara, back was errect and left hand was still, focus on the breathe.
In th end, don't have the bliss or orgasmic experience (aiyah, not due to me. It was Tamil teacher and Sadhguru ), just a feeling of sweetness. But I like it.
Yeah, my experience is sweet now. Thanks to Tamil teacher
Father, my mind is made up. I am going for the Samyama Refresher. This decision is confirmed by the Osho cards too. And the issue mentioned under No Samyama is the same in my this week
Osho.
Conscience vs Consciousness.
The Patient Card, I wonder, actually is Tamil teacher leading me to higher level.
Eight of Club
The card of mental power, the ability to focus one's mind on a goal or objective and see it through to a successful conclusion.
Soul
Really true. I choose natural detachment over food.
Whatever the outcome, at least I overcomed my attachment to food.
Father, did suria that was effortless and nowadays even the slopping down is via the chest and not the chin. My elbow is getting stronger. Tots came in and not as easy to focus on the Energy as we also need to keep track of the no. of cycles. Towards the eight cycle, I can feel the energy expanded. I follow it through and during the relax period, I felt in deep meditation. Full relaxation.
Then start on my breathing meditation. Tot of Tamil teacher and this time instead of watching. I become aware of the breathe instead and focusing on it. The experience was sweet. And these 2 days surprisingly, my back no 'cracking' sound. I can sit straight so comfortably. M surprised at my body.
Then did shambavi, did focus but tots do come in but only 50 percent of norm. I also did the 2 min of the first three session instead of my norm 1.5 min. Suria namaskara, back was errect and left hand was still, focus on the breathe.
In th end, don't have the bliss or orgasmic experience (aiyah, not due to me. It was Tamil teacher and Sadhguru ), just a feeling of sweetness. But I like it.
Yeah, my experience is sweet now. Thanks to Tamil teacher
Father, my mind is made up. I am going for the Samyama Refresher. This decision is confirmed by the Osho cards too. And the issue mentioned under No Samyama is the same in my this week
Osho.
Conscience vs Consciousness.
The Patient Card, I wonder, actually is Tamil teacher leading me to higher level.
Eight of Club
The card of mental power, the ability to focus one's mind on a goal or objective and see it through to a successful conclusion.
Soul
Really true. I choose natural detachment over food.
Whatever the outcome, at least I overcomed my attachment to food.
Tamil IE (5) - samyama
Sept 7 Aft
Father, why I find it so difficult to volunteer?
I don't mind doing the marketing side. But that's all.
Just now they call me to for Volunteer meeting - core team. Immediately I tensed up and I can find my resistance.
Actually, I don't like to volunteer and I don't get anything out of it per se. I am volunteering because I want to keep it going, that's all.
Aiyah. Don't resist.
Take this as a Lesson to learn so I can promote my own website.
Some more, I core team aiyoh.
Father, with budget delayed. I can now go for the Satir counseling course. But now looking at their website and also tot of mine. Doesn't seem to jive. 3500 - perhaps shld go for coaching course instead.
Today, I actually wan to ask Tamil teacher on samyama and breathing meditation. Just now did my shoonya with focus, it has more depth. I tot I can now learn to do samyama cos now I can focus and contain the energy. I wanted to tell the Tamil teacher abt my 8 days of laughing, singing and dancing. I was disappointed with my expectation of samyama. I tot it will help me to transform, alas it just a happy meditation trip. Also I now lost the samyama meditation. Tot of re-starting with new guidance since I can now focus.
Now just received email from isha about samyama on 26 to 30 oct - perfect timing for me. I would not hesitate at all if there is no 40 days veg. And now I have to start on 15 Sept and m going to my sister's place outstation.
Father, how?? Its like u asking me to go. I tot samyama was over in aug. And now staring at my face.
Father, guide me.
Evening
My tot was have an intense Shambavi and then do my own samyama.
Anyway, I didn't focus well. So, the session was like my normal one albeit 10 percent hike. I tot perfect, that teach me a lesson. Sadhguru saying not so easy. Have to do samyama refresh.
When I was going back, I didn't wan to ask teacher already. I want to decide on my own. Anyway, how can he help me? It has to be me lah.
I jus wan to say short goodbye but he seems inviting and I told him that I lost samyama meditation. I realised that he laughed a lot with me or rather he is also joyful like me and tend to laugh easily. Guess, just like local teacher, they can relax and be their joyful self with me
Surprisingly, he told me to come on 15 Sept and he will see if he can help me on the samyama meditation. He asked me how many years has lapsed and said its good to do a refresher. I told him only this year lah and he says perhaps he can see what we can do on 15 Sept. Meanwhile he asked me to do the breathing awareness. I said I m fine with that and now he tot me to focus, its even deeper than ever.
He says that samyama is not the last. There are other advance program that I can join, like 3 mths and 6 mths. After that is life. I told him that I am Seeker.
Mmmm, Father. Sadhguru has send him to help me. Who knows, perhaps this is my Past life karma, I got help now.
Father, both the 2 meditators says I go in very fast. I told them I didn't take any effort. He replied that its must have been my Past Life efforts. I agree.
Tot I should not let my Past Life goes to waste. I only need to do food thingy.
Osho
The cycle of death and birth is God's request for u to sing properly. It is part of ur training and u have to pass through it. He who understands this breaks his identity with death.
Father, why I find it so difficult to volunteer?
I don't mind doing the marketing side. But that's all.
Just now they call me to for Volunteer meeting - core team. Immediately I tensed up and I can find my resistance.
Actually, I don't like to volunteer and I don't get anything out of it per se. I am volunteering because I want to keep it going, that's all.
Aiyah. Don't resist.
Take this as a Lesson to learn so I can promote my own website.
Some more, I core team aiyoh.
Father, with budget delayed. I can now go for the Satir counseling course. But now looking at their website and also tot of mine. Doesn't seem to jive. 3500 - perhaps shld go for coaching course instead.
Today, I actually wan to ask Tamil teacher on samyama and breathing meditation. Just now did my shoonya with focus, it has more depth. I tot I can now learn to do samyama cos now I can focus and contain the energy. I wanted to tell the Tamil teacher abt my 8 days of laughing, singing and dancing. I was disappointed with my expectation of samyama. I tot it will help me to transform, alas it just a happy meditation trip. Also I now lost the samyama meditation. Tot of re-starting with new guidance since I can now focus.
Now just received email from isha about samyama on 26 to 30 oct - perfect timing for me. I would not hesitate at all if there is no 40 days veg. And now I have to start on 15 Sept and m going to my sister's place outstation.
Father, how?? Its like u asking me to go. I tot samyama was over in aug. And now staring at my face.
Father, guide me.
Evening
My tot was have an intense Shambavi and then do my own samyama.
Anyway, I didn't focus well. So, the session was like my normal one albeit 10 percent hike. I tot perfect, that teach me a lesson. Sadhguru saying not so easy. Have to do samyama refresh.
When I was going back, I didn't wan to ask teacher already. I want to decide on my own. Anyway, how can he help me? It has to be me lah.
I jus wan to say short goodbye but he seems inviting and I told him that I lost samyama meditation. I realised that he laughed a lot with me or rather he is also joyful like me and tend to laugh easily. Guess, just like local teacher, they can relax and be their joyful self with me
Surprisingly, he told me to come on 15 Sept and he will see if he can help me on the samyama meditation. He asked me how many years has lapsed and said its good to do a refresher. I told him only this year lah and he says perhaps he can see what we can do on 15 Sept. Meanwhile he asked me to do the breathing awareness. I said I m fine with that and now he tot me to focus, its even deeper than ever.
He says that samyama is not the last. There are other advance program that I can join, like 3 mths and 6 mths. After that is life. I told him that I am Seeker.
Mmmm, Father. Sadhguru has send him to help me. Who knows, perhaps this is my Past life karma, I got help now.
Father, both the 2 meditators says I go in very fast. I told them I didn't take any effort. He replied that its must have been my Past Life efforts. I agree.
Tot I should not let my Past Life goes to waste. I only need to do food thingy.
Osho
The cycle of death and birth is God's request for u to sing properly. It is part of ur training and u have to pass through it. He who understands this breaks his identity with death.
Tamil IE (4) - intense practices
Sept 7
Father, I finally know what being intense in practice means. I finally know what To Be With IT means.
All these while, I just fell into the zone without much effort. I just do the process, without any focus (no intensity) and since I got to be joyful. I didn't tot of doing anything until I become disatisfied and tot there shld be more.
So far, all the people I have met doesn't have the type of grace that I wanted too. Even, Sadhguru, when I met him in person, honestly I was bit disappointed. I am more affected by His Energy rather than his person. Perhaps, its becos I couldn't contain his presence and I just laugh and laugh. If I kept it in and contain it, I would have experience the bliss of his presence.
For the first time, I met such a lovely presence in the Tamil teacher. And I wanted to have what he has. He guided me to my first blissful meditation. He also led me to my first intense practice and the meaning of Be with IT. Amen.
The timing is amazing. I never plan nor expected this. I tot this was the 'peak' with Isha and I am doing it for maintenance purpose due to my health. And now I have propel forward. Like he said I can be a Seeker, which I am. I have never consciously did my practice. I just did it by the way, confident that the Universe wil connect and I be joyful.
Never have I consciously make an effort. I just let it happen. I never make it happen. Or rather for the first time, with the focus, I am able to contain the energy and experience the bliss.
Text P to attend the IE Tamil class. He just go back from Kailash, so timing is good too. For me, he represent my inroad to samyama.
Tot of what I have received from U. Father, I am so humbled by Your Grace. Thanks so much for everything from the bottom of my heart. My tears of gratitude for U.
Everytime, I am confused or stranded, U always send to me someone or something to propel me further.
Sadhguru, from today onward. I will do my practice with Intensity. Let's be pragmatic. I am already doing the hours, so I should do it with focus so I reap the benefits. Thank U for sending the Tamil teacher.
This morning, did my asanas with focus. I just focus on the point at my forehead and do all the closing of feet. Have break in between and when spurt of laughter came, I contained it and it makes the asanas more intense.
On the 90/45, I spend longer time. On the plough back, I stop at every posture, savouring it, just like I did for suria namaskara.
On the head touching ankle. I did bend down and stay there for more than 1 min.
On the relaxing, take 3 sets of deep breathe followed with open mouth release.
Did my 61 points consciously and the relaxation, I was totally relaxed. Later did 10 motion of open mouth/chest breathing.
After the asanas, I was just so nimble.
Did my breathing meditation and this time noted I didn't move with my breathe, just being aware of my body and I went in deeper than before. Head was shaking on its own accord.
My shambavi. I was focused on my forehead all the time. I only let go abt 10 percent of time. Did my surka kriya with focus, left hand was still and just focus on breathing and my back was straightened unconsciously.
Everything flow thru.
When I reach the end, I contained the spurt of laughter and just take in the energy, keep on focusing on my third eyes, taking all inward.
There was an orgasmic experience rising from my pelvic and it was a real pleasure. I would gauge it at 30 percent of yday blissful experience.
But it is more than I have ever experienced with Shambavi or even Shakti.
I finised my practice at 7 am. I have never felt this refreshed before after morning practice. This is the first time in the 1 year since I started my 4.30 am practices.
4 of Hearts
Is a sign of protection in love, marriage and family
It represent at its most basic level, the foundation of love upon which all of our other relationships are built. It is the home of heart.
Soul
That's exactly how I feel. Alas, my heart is open up and filled with love.
Father, I finally know what being intense in practice means. I finally know what To Be With IT means.
All these while, I just fell into the zone without much effort. I just do the process, without any focus (no intensity) and since I got to be joyful. I didn't tot of doing anything until I become disatisfied and tot there shld be more.
So far, all the people I have met doesn't have the type of grace that I wanted too. Even, Sadhguru, when I met him in person, honestly I was bit disappointed. I am more affected by His Energy rather than his person. Perhaps, its becos I couldn't contain his presence and I just laugh and laugh. If I kept it in and contain it, I would have experience the bliss of his presence.
For the first time, I met such a lovely presence in the Tamil teacher. And I wanted to have what he has. He guided me to my first blissful meditation. He also led me to my first intense practice and the meaning of Be with IT. Amen.
The timing is amazing. I never plan nor expected this. I tot this was the 'peak' with Isha and I am doing it for maintenance purpose due to my health. And now I have propel forward. Like he said I can be a Seeker, which I am. I have never consciously did my practice. I just did it by the way, confident that the Universe wil connect and I be joyful.
Never have I consciously make an effort. I just let it happen. I never make it happen. Or rather for the first time, with the focus, I am able to contain the energy and experience the bliss.
Text P to attend the IE Tamil class. He just go back from Kailash, so timing is good too. For me, he represent my inroad to samyama.
Tot of what I have received from U. Father, I am so humbled by Your Grace. Thanks so much for everything from the bottom of my heart. My tears of gratitude for U.
Everytime, I am confused or stranded, U always send to me someone or something to propel me further.
Sadhguru, from today onward. I will do my practice with Intensity. Let's be pragmatic. I am already doing the hours, so I should do it with focus so I reap the benefits. Thank U for sending the Tamil teacher.
This morning, did my asanas with focus. I just focus on the point at my forehead and do all the closing of feet. Have break in between and when spurt of laughter came, I contained it and it makes the asanas more intense.
On the 90/45, I spend longer time. On the plough back, I stop at every posture, savouring it, just like I did for suria namaskara.
On the head touching ankle. I did bend down and stay there for more than 1 min.
On the relaxing, take 3 sets of deep breathe followed with open mouth release.
Did my 61 points consciously and the relaxation, I was totally relaxed. Later did 10 motion of open mouth/chest breathing.
After the asanas, I was just so nimble.
Did my breathing meditation and this time noted I didn't move with my breathe, just being aware of my body and I went in deeper than before. Head was shaking on its own accord.
My shambavi. I was focused on my forehead all the time. I only let go abt 10 percent of time. Did my surka kriya with focus, left hand was still and just focus on breathing and my back was straightened unconsciously.
Everything flow thru.
When I reach the end, I contained the spurt of laughter and just take in the energy, keep on focusing on my third eyes, taking all inward.
There was an orgasmic experience rising from my pelvic and it was a real pleasure. I would gauge it at 30 percent of yday blissful experience.
But it is more than I have ever experienced with Shambavi or even Shakti.
I finised my practice at 7 am. I have never felt this refreshed before after morning practice. This is the first time in the 1 year since I started my 4.30 am practices.
4 of Hearts
Is a sign of protection in love, marriage and family
It represent at its most basic level, the foundation of love upon which all of our other relationships are built. It is the home of heart.
Soul
That's exactly how I feel. Alas, my heart is open up and filled with love.
Tamil IE (3) - my first blissful experience
Sept 6 Eve
Evening
Amazing. I didn't plan to attend the tamil IE and only to do the Sunday initiation as my friend LK is not around, just want to volunteer.
This morning Shambavi was fantastic and I really liked the teacher and also I know the center's energy is good and of cos I wanted to ask teacher about his experience. I told him I am not keen in volunteer nor being a teacher. He said I can be a Seeker (which is exactly what I am). I shared about my experience, he said I am on the right track. I told him that there must be more than jus laughing, dancing and singing. I wanted to ask about his experience as he has a lovely presence. He told me that there is more than joy and what I experience is just a phase but I must let the laughter phase go.
I told him I am willing but not sure how.
He says that to cross over, it doesn't require time nor years of practices. It just require intensity. When I laugh, sing and dance, means my body cannot contain the energy. So this requires more sadhanas.
He asked me to do the shambavi together with the rests of the IE participants and volunteers, just be here, also asked myself to contain the laughter a bit and see what's else there
Firstly, I sit quietly to the music. I didn't follow my body to sway, I contain the movement and suddenly I found myself sitting erect and at ease for a very long time. Very surprising
I did shambavi, I just focused being there. I did intensely and the most amazing was surka kriya. My left hand didn't even lift up, and towards the middle, I found my back becomes erect without effort and the surka kriya was the deepest breathing I have ever done.
Then aum chanting, he was there to support. Then I did the fluttering and this time I try to contain the head swinging and focus on the breathe instead. I found it slightly difficult but he helped me by doing the fluttering and the energy got to me.
Then I did the bandana. I know the secret is locking the bottom and not the top, so I can still breathe. With that I managed to lock much longer on full and empty breathe.
Then the quiet moment, at first nothing, then a laughter try to escape and I close my mouth and a few more times, I just contain in and focus inward. And suddenly I found myself in a state of such pleasure, so orgasmic. And it went on and on, and it become so sweet, so full that I was gasping, exclaiming and also tears of gratitude came. I was there for a long long time until Teacher asked us to come out. I was still caught in the blissful experience.
Father, I finally encountered bliss.
When I came out, I felt my heart has open up and my hand goes to keep it warm. I felt love flooded within me.
I shared this with another fellow meditator, M and she says she also experience something more, she found herself laughing. She wanted to talk more to me.
Father, yea. Our local teacher normally ignore such sharing. So, its not just me.
Evening
Amazing. I didn't plan to attend the tamil IE and only to do the Sunday initiation as my friend LK is not around, just want to volunteer.
This morning Shambavi was fantastic and I really liked the teacher and also I know the center's energy is good and of cos I wanted to ask teacher about his experience. I told him I am not keen in volunteer nor being a teacher. He said I can be a Seeker (which is exactly what I am). I shared about my experience, he said I am on the right track. I told him that there must be more than jus laughing, dancing and singing. I wanted to ask about his experience as he has a lovely presence. He told me that there is more than joy and what I experience is just a phase but I must let the laughter phase go.
I told him I am willing but not sure how.
He says that to cross over, it doesn't require time nor years of practices. It just require intensity. When I laugh, sing and dance, means my body cannot contain the energy. So this requires more sadhanas.
He asked me to do the shambavi together with the rests of the IE participants and volunteers, just be here, also asked myself to contain the laughter a bit and see what's else there
Firstly, I sit quietly to the music. I didn't follow my body to sway, I contain the movement and suddenly I found myself sitting erect and at ease for a very long time. Very surprising
I did shambavi, I just focused being there. I did intensely and the most amazing was surka kriya. My left hand didn't even lift up, and towards the middle, I found my back becomes erect without effort and the surka kriya was the deepest breathing I have ever done.
Then aum chanting, he was there to support. Then I did the fluttering and this time I try to contain the head swinging and focus on the breathe instead. I found it slightly difficult but he helped me by doing the fluttering and the energy got to me.
Then I did the bandana. I know the secret is locking the bottom and not the top, so I can still breathe. With that I managed to lock much longer on full and empty breathe.
Then the quiet moment, at first nothing, then a laughter try to escape and I close my mouth and a few more times, I just contain in and focus inward. And suddenly I found myself in a state of such pleasure, so orgasmic. And it went on and on, and it become so sweet, so full that I was gasping, exclaiming and also tears of gratitude came. I was there for a long long time until Teacher asked us to come out. I was still caught in the blissful experience.
Father, I finally encountered bliss.
When I came out, I felt my heart has open up and my hand goes to keep it warm. I felt love flooded within me.
I shared this with another fellow meditator, M and she says she also experience something more, she found herself laughing. She wanted to talk more to me.
Father, yea. Our local teacher normally ignore such sharing. So, its not just me.
My Journey
My Journey
I started my journey in 1997 during recession as I was feeling insecure. Work used to be my security and I am good at it. But I wasn't as sure as before as I now know that outside circumstance is beyond our control. We can be the best worker, but when the economy is down, everything goes.
So, I started to read book to find answers on how I can be more secure. I start to read books on personal development, to better equip myself in my career and to find back my security level. But the more I read, the more insecure I felt.
In 1999, I took a gamble and quit my job as I won an offer for a 3 months scholarship to Finland. That was the turning point for me. I was introduced to spirituality by Wayne Dyer's Sacred Self.
In 2000, I was initiated into A Course in Miracles (“ACIM”) and it was the book that finally broke down my control self. I plummeted down into a mild depression. I just wasn’t my normal happy self, but I can’t seem to come out of it.
But I just couldn’t accept that God create me and leaves me here to suffer. I know there must be a way out and I keep on searching. Then I read the book, suppression of feeling led to depression, and from then on, I learn to let go of my control and let my feeling surfaced and my depression ended.
Around the same time, I found Carl Jung and I was totally connected to him. He taught me that it was my unconsciousness that rules me and I am not in control as I thought I am. I got scared cos I am the type of person that needs to be in control in order to feel safe. I made a commitment to open up all my doors of unconsciousness as I cannot allow others to control me.
And I was then able to practice ACIM with an approach to open up all my doors of unconsciousness, it was a humbling period. Every time I thought that it was someone/some people that hurt me, I would be brought back to see how I contributed to the unhappy situation that I was in. So, I learnt through the hard way about projections and mirrors. At the same time, I also read Krishnamurti who taught me about how relationship is always mirror for me to see myself (inwardly)
In Year 2001, I attended Asia Work workshop and became aware firstly that I have past wounds that need to be addressed and secondly I am an internal control freak. My self control operates on automatic mode closing all doors to my feelings.
With ACIM, I found my auto self control switch and turn it off and start to feel again.
While ACIM has turn my mind around by changing my behaviour but it does not address the inner wound. And I found Meister Eckhart and Cloud of Unknowing. When I read their words, my door crumble and past wound is expressed.
My life and relationship with others have improved so much but yet it is not yet transformed because I realised that I am continuously clearing shit from my mind. But it is like a never ending story, once I uncover and release a story, a new story will come up. I asked God, why can’t I overcome my fear, why so much fears? When will this ends?
I also know that I have not been able to get a grip on my need to be valued at work. Unconsciously, I drive myself in work and because I was disconnected from my feeling and body, my system break down and I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I can already see that my mind, which is my pride, is also my weakness. It is creating so much shit that I am unable to clear all of them. I prayed to God for help, because I know I can no longer help myself anymore. I cannot rely on my mind, I am disconnected with my feeling as I don’t trust them and definitely I cannot rely on my body, as I thought I am a physically challenged person, someone unable to play even simple game like badminton.
So, body, mind and feeling are out. I prayed to God, help me, I am at tail end and no longer can help myself.
Alas, in late 2008, I was introduced to Isha yoga, in d first session, Sadhguru said apart from mind, body and emotion, there is a 4th dimension that governs us, ensuring our heart beat n blood flow n it is Energy. This Energy is not within our grasp and hence we can't manipulate it.
I was ecstatic; alas there is another dimension in me that can help me. I who always tot I can't do meditation, fell into it and doing it diligently as d results of joy and peace is amazing. I wake up daily at 6 am to do my meditation. For someone who love food, I now delay my dinner by 2 hours so that I can do my evening meditation, clearing all my daily stress and be happy again.
In early 2009, I started a blog on my daily journal detailing my feelings, my thoughts and excerpts from books that I have read that connects me. It was a form of expression and I also hope that others can have a first-hand view of the inner turmoil and joy, the up and downs in our journey to be our Self.
My Rheumatoid Arthritis acted up sometimes mid 2009 and I decided to take up hatha yoga from Isha. And for someone who dislikes exercise of any forms, now wake up 4.30 am daily to do yoga. Amazingly, I love doing yoga with awareness, which gives me the same experience as meditation.
In late 2009, I finally acknowledged that I am no fulfilled in my current career as a head of finance in a corporate environment. I decided to resign, but was offered a 4 day week instead. But still I don’t know what I am looking for and I was guided to the Passion Book, that help me to zoom down towards my Top 5 Passion List and on top of the list is to be a Transformational Leader as I love to share about my experiences and how it resulted in Insights that have helped me and can help others too.
I am so happy, the happiest I have been in all my 43 years. I found myself laughing to sleep nearly every day and when I am in the pool, I just laughed with joy. And during meditation, I am in such contentment and peace that tears of gratitude just fell. I can now accept the good and bad part of me, because all is ME.
Just before I did this profile of mine, I was led to a book by AH Almaas, Diamond Heart Book 4, a book I bought back in 2006. I recalled that it couldn’t connect with it. But now I can. And coincidentally, the book is about combining spirituality with psychology in order to transform our personality. This basically outlines my approach in my journey, so looks like I am on the right track.
But the journey ahead is long, there will be ups and downs, but after a while, a sense of contentment and fulfillment will arise. What I know that we need to get clarity on our Self using psychological and spiritual tools, but in the end, we still need to act on it to enable our transformation to take effect. Otherwise, all the knowledge that we gathers will come to nothing.
I am now at this stage of transforming my personality to match my inner values, but it will not be easy, so much attachment to go through. In the end, even if I knew what is good for me, I tend not to change, cos I am afraid of losing what I have, not sure of the gain. But this is a choice that I will make everyday until my outer matched my inner!
For now, my first step is to act on my Passion as a writer and I am starting my website; joyong
I started my journey in 1997 during recession as I was feeling insecure. Work used to be my security and I am good at it. But I wasn't as sure as before as I now know that outside circumstance is beyond our control. We can be the best worker, but when the economy is down, everything goes.
So, I started to read book to find answers on how I can be more secure. I start to read books on personal development, to better equip myself in my career and to find back my security level. But the more I read, the more insecure I felt.
In 1999, I took a gamble and quit my job as I won an offer for a 3 months scholarship to Finland. That was the turning point for me. I was introduced to spirituality by Wayne Dyer's Sacred Self.
In 2000, I was initiated into A Course in Miracles (“ACIM”) and it was the book that finally broke down my control self. I plummeted down into a mild depression. I just wasn’t my normal happy self, but I can’t seem to come out of it.
But I just couldn’t accept that God create me and leaves me here to suffer. I know there must be a way out and I keep on searching. Then I read the book, suppression of feeling led to depression, and from then on, I learn to let go of my control and let my feeling surfaced and my depression ended.
Around the same time, I found Carl Jung and I was totally connected to him. He taught me that it was my unconsciousness that rules me and I am not in control as I thought I am. I got scared cos I am the type of person that needs to be in control in order to feel safe. I made a commitment to open up all my doors of unconsciousness as I cannot allow others to control me.
And I was then able to practice ACIM with an approach to open up all my doors of unconsciousness, it was a humbling period. Every time I thought that it was someone/some people that hurt me, I would be brought back to see how I contributed to the unhappy situation that I was in. So, I learnt through the hard way about projections and mirrors. At the same time, I also read Krishnamurti who taught me about how relationship is always mirror for me to see myself (inwardly)
In Year 2001, I attended Asia Work workshop and became aware firstly that I have past wounds that need to be addressed and secondly I am an internal control freak. My self control operates on automatic mode closing all doors to my feelings.
With ACIM, I found my auto self control switch and turn it off and start to feel again.
While ACIM has turn my mind around by changing my behaviour but it does not address the inner wound. And I found Meister Eckhart and Cloud of Unknowing. When I read their words, my door crumble and past wound is expressed.
My life and relationship with others have improved so much but yet it is not yet transformed because I realised that I am continuously clearing shit from my mind. But it is like a never ending story, once I uncover and release a story, a new story will come up. I asked God, why can’t I overcome my fear, why so much fears? When will this ends?
I also know that I have not been able to get a grip on my need to be valued at work. Unconsciously, I drive myself in work and because I was disconnected from my feeling and body, my system break down and I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I can already see that my mind, which is my pride, is also my weakness. It is creating so much shit that I am unable to clear all of them. I prayed to God for help, because I know I can no longer help myself anymore. I cannot rely on my mind, I am disconnected with my feeling as I don’t trust them and definitely I cannot rely on my body, as I thought I am a physically challenged person, someone unable to play even simple game like badminton.
So, body, mind and feeling are out. I prayed to God, help me, I am at tail end and no longer can help myself.
Alas, in late 2008, I was introduced to Isha yoga, in d first session, Sadhguru said apart from mind, body and emotion, there is a 4th dimension that governs us, ensuring our heart beat n blood flow n it is Energy. This Energy is not within our grasp and hence we can't manipulate it.
I was ecstatic; alas there is another dimension in me that can help me. I who always tot I can't do meditation, fell into it and doing it diligently as d results of joy and peace is amazing. I wake up daily at 6 am to do my meditation. For someone who love food, I now delay my dinner by 2 hours so that I can do my evening meditation, clearing all my daily stress and be happy again.
In early 2009, I started a blog on my daily journal detailing my feelings, my thoughts and excerpts from books that I have read that connects me. It was a form of expression and I also hope that others can have a first-hand view of the inner turmoil and joy, the up and downs in our journey to be our Self.
My Rheumatoid Arthritis acted up sometimes mid 2009 and I decided to take up hatha yoga from Isha. And for someone who dislikes exercise of any forms, now wake up 4.30 am daily to do yoga. Amazingly, I love doing yoga with awareness, which gives me the same experience as meditation.
In late 2009, I finally acknowledged that I am no fulfilled in my current career as a head of finance in a corporate environment. I decided to resign, but was offered a 4 day week instead. But still I don’t know what I am looking for and I was guided to the Passion Book, that help me to zoom down towards my Top 5 Passion List and on top of the list is to be a Transformational Leader as I love to share about my experiences and how it resulted in Insights that have helped me and can help others too.
I am so happy, the happiest I have been in all my 43 years. I found myself laughing to sleep nearly every day and when I am in the pool, I just laughed with joy. And during meditation, I am in such contentment and peace that tears of gratitude just fell. I can now accept the good and bad part of me, because all is ME.
Just before I did this profile of mine, I was led to a book by AH Almaas, Diamond Heart Book 4, a book I bought back in 2006. I recalled that it couldn’t connect with it. But now I can. And coincidentally, the book is about combining spirituality with psychology in order to transform our personality. This basically outlines my approach in my journey, so looks like I am on the right track.
But the journey ahead is long, there will be ups and downs, but after a while, a sense of contentment and fulfillment will arise. What I know that we need to get clarity on our Self using psychological and spiritual tools, but in the end, we still need to act on it to enable our transformation to take effect. Otherwise, all the knowledge that we gathers will come to nothing.
I am now at this stage of transforming my personality to match my inner values, but it will not be easy, so much attachment to go through. In the end, even if I knew what is good for me, I tend not to change, cos I am afraid of losing what I have, not sure of the gain. But this is a choice that I will make everyday until my outer matched my inner!
For now, my first step is to act on my Passion as a writer and I am starting my website; joyong
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